Bad Dates with Jameela Jamil - Floppy Fury (w/ Kyle Kinane and Guys We F****d)

Episode Date: June 26, 2023

On this episode of Bad Dates, Jameela welcomes comedians Krystyna Hutchinson & Corinne Fisher (the Guys We F****d podcast), and Kyle Kinane (Paradise PD, Aqua Teen Forever: Plantasm) to discuss their most iconic dating fiascos. Corinne tells us about getting funky with a guy who really beat himself up over his non-functioning monkey, Krystyna prepares to bed Superman but a medical emergency might be her Kryptonite, and Kyle describes the sh*ttiest vacation ever, literally. If you’ve had a bad date you’d like to tell us about, our number is 984-265-3283, and our email is [e-mail], we can’t wait to hear all about it.Kyle Kinane's comedy special Trampoline In A Ditch is available on YouTube, and you can find information about his upcoming tour dates at KyleKinane.com. Tickets for Krystyna's shows are at KrystynaHutchinson.com, and Corinne's live dates are at CorinneFisher.com. Their show together, Guys We F****d is wherever you get your podcasts.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Hello, Prime members. You can listen to bad dates early and add free on Amazon music. Download the app today. I dated a performer and I found out that their performance was she would like paint with her nude body. Oh, nice. Come on. Will you whisper? Affidift. Silver like, but you know, same thing. Will you whisper a bell, yeah.

Yeah, yeah. But I'd like, she was complaining because her parents wouldn't coast sign on a lease for an apartment. I'm like, you just take your clothes off and roll around on the canvas. I'm like, I wouldn't sign off on that either. It was okay. I feel like being able to paint something with your assholes a real skin.

I hope she was really undermined. Yeah. This one, I've already mentioned it. I'm not sure if she does. That's where the brush is being held from, I believe, in my imagination. Yeah, it wasn't even that far. It was just frontal.

Really more of just a arriving cover than I was. Her pussy lips. Sick. Bad dates. Hello and welcome to Bad Date, a podcast that celebrates the absolute fucking disasters that we can all face on the road to love to shagging all both. I'm Dramindage Mill and I'm inviting some of my favorite people to discuss their most iconic dating clusterfucks. Let's meet our guests.

We are so happy to have excellent comedian and actor Kyle Kahname with us. Kyle's new special trampoline in a ditch is available on YouTube and he co-hosts the podcast, The Boogie Monster. And we welcome Christina Hutchinson and Corin Fischer, very, very funny comedians, writers and actresses. Together they are the comedy duo Sorry About Last Night and they created and host the legendary anti-slut shaming and hilarious podcast, truly like one of the great cult followings I feel like of my generation guys we fucked. Hello everyone, how are you? Hello. So good. So happy to be here.

Right. Oh my goodness. And you guys all know each other, correct? Yeah. Our comedians kind of know each other, I feel. It's pretty incestuous, you know. Yeah. Every word to describe it feels like it's just filthy. Every time I ask that question on this podcast there's always just a filthy word to describe how one another know it's like. Well yeah, you know how like theater kids in high school kind of fucked. It's like that. Yeah, it's the comedy community. Yeah, but I mean it is a nighttime based job almost solely. So it makes sense.

Yeah. Open bar after parties. Yeah, definitely. Make impressions. Yeah. Kyle, can I ask before we start, what is it like to date you? I was trying to go over this with the Mrs. the other day. I'm in a long term relationship, but I feel like I don't. I used to be roommates with Matt Bronner. Matt Bronner is a big six foot four fella. And he said we go out to bars and women would just ask him if they could take me home. So that's the impression. to bars and women would just ask him if they could take me home.

So that's the impression. I would like. I was just always like, I was just a little guy. I was always just a little guy, dancing weird. Jack in the beanstalk and they were asking your job. Yeah, I had a permission. I was just a little drunk guy dancing like nobody was watching

and then the woman would think he was like the caretaker. Like, we'd take him home and I'd be like, all right, there we go. And then that's kind of how I found myself in most situations in life as I just get carried along. So Matt was your pin, is what I'm hearing. I mean, if there was money exchange, I'd say so, but in this case, I'd say it was just

a less than protective friend. And how long have you been off the market then? Oh, close to nine years. Close to nine years, okay, so it's been a minute. Is that, also, did you manage to get out in time to escape like the Tinder, the online dating generation, or were you one of those plenty of fish people? No, I had a hot minute where I was actually,

actually, it's Craigslist singles, which is why wouldn't you find love the same place you'd find like a new refrigerator? Oh my god. I feel like all of the serial killer sort of documentaries now are coming out of the Craig's list singles page, right? Terrifying. Yeah, I think I dated a couple of them.

Yeah. Did you enjoy the dating world? No, I'm not. I don't know if you guys have stand up like realizing like, oh, do I, am I supposed to be a comedian through this whole thing? Or should I turn it down so much that I'm a complete bore? Well, men don't like funny women. They say they do, but they mean like,

they like when you laugh at their jokes. So we definitely turn it to, yeah, when female comedians go on dates, I'm like, I'm gonna rev it up and make you hate me by the end of this. Yeah. Christina and I famously, we had to change our occupations on Raya because no, you get no hits if you write what your real occupation is as a comedian,

but if you change it to like author or performer, then you just get so much dick. Yeah, I was like, what can I wait, so what is that wait, no, sorry, go on. Keep it going. So I originally had my occupation on Raya as stand up comedian, because I was like, that's cool as shit.

I've been doing it for over a decade. I was like, that's cool as shit. I've been doing it for over a decade. I'm proud of the work, body work I have. Like, let's go. Zero hits and my titties were out in a most of my pictures. They were. And I was like, this doesn't make sense. And I was telling Karina, I'm like, look at my profile.

What? Tell me what's wrong with it. And she goes, you got to change your occupation to like writer. And I was like, no, I can't. Something quashed. It's New York City. Guys are cool here. I occupation to like writer. And I was like, no, I can't. Something quash, it's New York City. Guys are cool here. I changed it to writer.

Jemila, I had. I was like the hottest bitch on the block. It was in, it was so insulting how much word messages I got. So I mean, Christina, as you've mentioned that, what has dating been like for you now that you have lied about your profession? You know what I stopped using dating apps

because I'm really good, I'm very bold. If I'm in the wild, my body will react if I'm attracted to somebody. And so I all go out to bars with my girlfriends and there was this one guy that I met at a really gorgeous bar and he was behind the bar. And I wrote him a note, I was like, I don't know if you're straight, I don't know if you're single.

But if you're both of those things, I'm Christina. I think you're really, I think you're smoking hot. This is my number. And I gave it to like, Jesus Christ, you're like, James Bond. Yeah, I don't give a fuck. And I gave it to him and I was like, Hey, I think you're really hot and I wanted to give you this.

And he was like, oh shit. And then we went on a date and he sucked. But I don't care about that because I'm a comedian. So if anything, the worst second happened as I turned it into a bit, but um. Yeah. And Corinne, what's it like to date you? What are you like out in the wild?

Well, she's a tree. I don't, I'm not really like a big date or I let people come to me and then regret it later. I'm just like not, I'm kind of like notoriously on our show. I love doesn't do much for me, which is like something that I say. Wait, what does that mean? What does that mean? Does that mean it doesn't service you or you're not very into love and romance and dating?

I mean, it's a romance, but the type of romance that I was looking for doesn't exist because I realized everyone's just trying to fill a hole, but an emotional hole. Not the fun hole. Bad dates. Corinne, your story is called Pudding Through a Keyhole. So many holes.

Yeah. So little time. Yeah. I guess the story starts with the fact that I was, I was seeing a guy that I really liked with what I will call the perfect dick. Um, he didn't necessarily- So what, sorry, what constitutes the perfect dick? Just, it was like, I have talked about like, I know other women who have seen this dick and it's just, it's

like a work of art. And when I told him that he had the perfect dick, he was like, yeah, it was kind of like, yeah, I hear that all the time, like, you know, like snooze fast. Like it just, I want to know. I want to know. Sorry, we all want to know what this means. I'm aesthetically pleasing, like the shape, the veinage, the coreng, the shape.

Vainage, do you like a lot of vein? Do you like an absence of vein? Oh, you do like just one big vein, like that one that's on top of Julia Robbins head when she's doing really intense acting. A smattering of not two intense veins, I think, is good. Like the way, like if you were crafting a sex toy, perfectly. We went to Doc Johnson and we saw a little, these old ladies.

So many cubes and painting veins on it. And inserting veins. And so it was like that, a little lady at Doc Johnson had made it for me. And it was fresh. And it was fresh. Glasses on, you could see real well. I don't know. Because you meet so many people in comedy, but I had met in passing this Fox news pendant,

but he didn't have the bad, he was just there for like comic relief. So a guy who was just there for comic relief, it wasn't like a guy who was... What's the premise? He wasn't like trying to take away, you know, rights for women or anything, don't get worried. Okay.

And we had been talking, so I was like, hey, you're gonna be my New Year's date. So this Fox News pendant, he picked me up afterwards, and then, you know, it's New Year's Eve, so there's no cabs to get in anywhere. We were just decided to go back to his house, because I knew him enough that I felt comfortable to just like, we all know why we were there. You know, you're picking me up after a gig on New Year's Eve. We've already been flirting for a week, so it's fine. Let's just go hang out at your apartment.

So there's only those bicycle cabs that are like $100 for three blocks. And you also feel like it's such a ripoff, dude. It's like a four-way play, such great music. And they give you a blanket. They give you a blanket. But it also feels like when you get in, like the weight of two adults to bicycle around is like, it feels like it should be illegal.

The price is, the price feels like the guy should eat you out afterwards. Yeah, it's, it's, it's pretty crazy. And so I thought, I mean, in my experience, they do, but maybe that's, well, what the fuck? That was a special. That was a special for you. And then so then we just, I just end up walking in this very, very tight dress that I can barely move in, in heels, like, you know, 20, 30 blocks to his apartment. Of course, it's a walk up, because why would I ever date anyone with an elevator?

It's never happened. It was sitting down, maybe always sitting down. Yeah, punch down, date down. And we go into his apartment and it's fine and we're like chilling and you know we have a beer or whatever and then we go to the bedroom and- I know the story. We fucking want it. You know it should be pretty simple.

I'd had sex before. I knew how to do it, you know. And I don't know what hat like like, so few times people just get nervous and that's fine. Like, I'm a content real life, but I honestly, I'm so nice if your dick doesn't work. Like, I'm so nice about it. What I'm not, what I'm not nice about is if I'm on top of you

and your dick is kind of inside me, but not really, because it just can't get hard. And then, out of your own, out of your own frustration at your dick not getting hard, you start hitting yourself in the face with you, oh, with you kind of inside me, like that scene in Liar Liar, where Jim Carrey goes to the bathroom

and beats himself up so that they can have a break. What are you doing? A kick in my ass, do you mind? That was exactly it. This pen is blue. Um, so damn, this blue. So my first... Oh god, this is a pass.

You have painted such a vivid picture. I can completely imagine this scene. I mean, absolutely amazing. So he's smashing his face in screaming angrily, which I doubt is doing anything to like propel the erection for. I'm getting scared because I get he's kind of inside me and then he's having a physical fight with himself

and I go, I mean, I go, I honestly, what are we? Totally naked. Yes, I would have rather had him hit me. I don't know, just something. So I'm at a one bedroom walk up in Midtown West, and I barely even knew where I was. It's New Year's Eve, you can't get a cab home. I live very, very far from there.

This guy's hitting himself. And so I just kind of put in cup to dig in you. I got to close, close, fist, open hand. I see you're too excited. No, it was like, oh, closed, fist, open hand. Uh, he hit it. No, it was like, like, like, oh, Oh, close, close. Yeah, I was going with fist. I thought he was trying to break his own nose.

No, it was like, open slapping, but there, but there's also like, you know, like a monologue going on. Like, he said, I'm not even there. Yeah, he's like, stupid. And I'm like, I wasn't upset. I was like, we could just do something else. You had your fingers. Really anything else we could do at this point.

So I just kind of like just roll off to safety from his body. Scoot, scoot. And the only good thing is like, I'm pretty small. I'm 5'3 and a half, but he was also on the small sides because at this point, I start calculating in my head, can I fight this man if I need to? I was like, could I take him?

And I was like, after I take him. I thought he can fight himself. Yeah. So I roll off. And then I was like, why don't you just go take a breather? So he exits the bed for a patient and closes the door. Time keeps passing. He's gone for a lot, it's 10 minutes, 20 minutes,

30 minutes, 40 minutes. Then I start hearing things breaking. Like, dishes breaking. I hear him pacing back and forth. And at this point, I'm actually quite scared. So I start scanning the room to see if I can leave through a window. Because I'm like, there's a fire escape,

I could climb down a fire escape. And then I finally get the courage up to open the door and see what's going on. And he is just chain smoking and pounding Modellos and just walking back and forth. And I had never seen anything in this, like this in my entire life. I was like, Godfather.

And I was like, are you okay? Like what's going, like what is going on? And I basically kind of just like talked, like talked him down emotionally as I like walked backwards out the door because I didn't know how to, I didn't know what was going on. And I now know in my 30s that he was coked out of his fucking mind. And that's why he was acting like that.

You don't know until you know when you don't know about co-op. And that's why he didn't work. Yeah, why is this guy like a murderer? Yeah. And then you go, oh, cocaine. So the whole thing, cocaine stops you from getting the erection. Oh, exactly. It all makes sense now.

Worst effect. So then I later learned that this was just a very coaked out person who couldn't get an erection and then was having like a co-communia in his living room. But I thought this guy was about to kill me. I thought this was American Psycho and then I was about to die and get rolled up in some kind of a paint thing. But yeah, I prefer himself.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, this is the best thing. He claims that the reason that he left the bedroom for such a long time was because we had fallen asleep for a moment and I was snoring and he couldn't get any rest. I go, was that before after you knocked yourself out? He did. That's the most my guy.

You did. He just calls Tucker Carson and I'm like, please be proud of me, Danny. It was. most my guy. You just call Tucker Carson and I'm like, please be proud of me, Tania. It was. Oh my God. Yeah, I was like, I mean, and I have seen him at like mutual friends birthday party since then I just look across at him and I go,

you know what you did. I was gonna say, yeah, that guy is still rolling around spots, huh? Oh, yeah, he's. So it's going up like, new years, huh? Wow. Yeah, well, he's not a comic, but he Oh, yeah, he's so show it up like, ha ha. New years, huh? Wow. Yeah, well, he's not a comic, but he's free. Yeah, he's friends with a lot of comics.

So he definitely shows up in circles from time to time. And he, I don't trust anybody who's friends with a lot of comics who is in the comics. I don't trust anybody who's want to hang out with comedians without being in the media. Is people who go to like, children's or dog parks without children or dog? Yeah, you know what I mean?

Yes, just a bit of fucking weird. Yeah, yeah. So I learned a lot about drugs that night. It was like my own personal dare program. You really see the drugs alive in action. Did you just tell kids in high school that like Coke makes your dick limp and then no one will do it?

Yeah. Do you think 100%, 100%. Yeah and then no one will do it. Yeah. You see, 100%. 100%. Yeah. Yeah. I still do it. I know that. I still do it.

I mean, the lesson of this is Dr. Dr. Drock's kids. Yeah. Oh my goodness. All right, we'll be right back off for this. Bad dates. Looking for love. I'm Jujube. And on this season of Queen of Hearts, we're going all the way down to sunny sexy Miami.

I'm setting up the hottest singles in South Florida. Maybe I can find them their perfect partner or someone to fulfill their sexiest fantasies. A man who unconditionally loves me and is a raging feminist and then ties me up rubbing oils on me then surprise gets a girl to lick my foot and another guy to put it in my and as a huge but remember there's a twist no one can see each other until the very end. Amazon. Oh, hi. Got me blessed. Follow Queen of Hearts on Amazon Music or wherever you get your podcasts. You can listen ad free on Amazon Music, included with the Prime. Download the Amazon Music app now, or you can listen ad free by subscribing to Wondery Plus and Apple Podcasts or the wonder yet. Yeah, oozing from all holes. Nice. That's correct, you read that right.

Oh God, please. Please, just do it, just say. Yeah, let's get this over with. Now it's a good story. It's pretty badass if I do say so myself, but I love it. I got an out of a seven year relationship. If you say with somebody too long

and you don't wanna fuck them, at the end they're like, you physically repulse me, like I don't ever wanna see you again. And so that's kind of what happened. And I'm a very sexual person. So when we broke up, I was getting it in. And I had a lot of fun.

And I had a fuck buddy who was very, he's in the industry, very sexy, somebody, he's a comic, somebody I had had my eye on for a very long time, very handsome, very funny, and so I was also a laminate while you were in the relationship. Yeah, it was one of those people that like,

if I ever broke up with so and so I would, woo, and when I broke up with my boyfriend at the time, I told him and he was like, I've been wanting to fuck and it was like, woo. And when I broke up with my boyfriend at the time, I told him and he was like, I've been wanting to fuck and it was like, is the best. And so him and I sexual chemistry was off the charts. And he's, I'm a very sexually adventurous person. And I let him know that. And I was like, if you're into doing anything adventurous,

like, wow, what'd you got? Throw it at me. And he was like, I would love to see you get fucked by a guy. And I was like, yeah. I think I'd be on board with that. And so he's like, I know this porn star, this famous porn star, and his name's Ryan Driller. He came on the guys who fucked,

so you know, all his names, I'm a secret. Very good looking. He played Superman and the Superman porn, very handsome. Like he's like Prince Charming, like he looks like Prince Charming. True. Huge dick. Like one of those that you're like,

I don't know if that's gonna fit in there, but I'll try. The like penis, I understand. Yeah, the third leg. And gorgeous, really sweet. And so we made this plan, maybe like a month in advance. And my fuck buddy was like, all right, all get the flight. And I was like, I'll get a really sexy hotel.

And we're like, we're the shit, we're so cool. And so it was two days before the schedule three way. I woke up and I was like, my eye is like itchy. It's so weird, like weird allergies. And he's like, oh, I don't know. And he looks, he's like, oh, your eye looks kind of red. I'm like, yeah, it's so weird. And I went home and didn't think anything of it. And then a couple hours later, my eye is blowing out of my skull. I'm talking

plus everywhere. The eyelid, Corinne and I had a run out of the soda guys. Yeah. She came over and as we were recording, the eye got bigger. And she's like, girl, you got to go to the doctor. Like, you got to, oh, this isn't good. I was walking around like Mr. McGill and I was like, we got to find some doctor for you. And I was like, oh, no, my three ways in two days. I was so upset. I was like, we're fine.

A porn star from Los Angeles to fuck me in front of a hot, like, this can't go bad. Timing's a bitch, man. And I went to hotels have no refund policies. Okay, so go on. I didn't even think of that part. So my eye, it hurts so bad. And I was like, this is, and I freak out with eye stuff.

I wear contacts, but like, I am not okay with eye stuff. So I don't think anyone would be okay with that eye turning into like a bulging oozing bullet. Yes, that's not okay. It took for anyone. I don't think anyone would be okay with that eye turning into like a bulging oozing bullet. That's not okay. I took for anyone. So this guy walks me to the ER and everyone there is like, I'm like, you stop, look, do you stop owing?

So I just walked in with an eye, I like put an eye patch, eventually I put like a paper towel over it, but it was like oozing from the paper towel. And then I had to, so they admitted, they ended up admitting me right away. They took blood tests, they took, they took all these x-rays of my eyeball and the one guy was like, I'm worried you're gonna lose your optic nerve, your capability of your optic nerve

in this eye, we might need to operate. And I was like, what, what is, can you tell me what it is? He's like, I don't know. And I was like, this is, okay. And so, but I'm He's like, I don't know. And I was like, this is, okay. And so, but I'm overnight in the ER and they eventually, they give me intravenous antibiotics but like jacked up ones and all these meds. And I'm overnight in the ER.

This is three days before the two days before the three way. And then it eventually goes down. So I stay overnight and I go home and it still looks scary. And so I like didn't I wear contacts. I didn't have my contacts in and then the next day was one day before the three way and I called my fuck buddy and I was like, Hey, I'm gonna be there. But I can't I can only put a contact in one eye and my prescription is negative 6.5. I have if't have contacts in, I can't walk outside. I will get run over by a car.

I cannot see shit. It is, I'm almost blind. So I told him I was like, I'm gonna have one. I've dated someone like that and it was kind of amazing because in the morning I really look like shit. Like I looked like Saddam Hussein at the very end of his life and he was in that cave and that fun-sized Mars bar. And so I would just sort of slightly move his contact lenses out the way

so he could have fun and so I could have a bit longer to just look like. You know what? I always had a fantasy of dating a blind guy and that's exactly what it's exactly what it was like. It was bliss. Sorry, go on. It's amazing. So I gave him a warning and he was, oh actually I wanted to tell you I like have the flu and I was like oh fuck but we were both very determined because this guy was flying in from Los Angeles. Got this poor porn star. God knows what is coming out of your eye. God knows what is coming out. Yeah, there's porn stars never dealt with oozing offices in his career. He must be horrified. So as this is happening, we had the porn star guy was like, let's, let's like sex with the three of us.

Let's sex so we can kind of get an idea of our chemistry and like talk about like what we like, what we'd want to see. So I'm pretending I'm not like cooking from the army. And my, my guy friend was like, we were all participating in this three way sexting exchange to kind of like, you know, get the wheels start, like, churn and, and as I'm oozing and as he's like coughing. And then the next day, my eye,

it looks like I got punched in the face, but just the eyeball part. The eye lid was good. So I was like, oh, I can put on some mascara. That's good news. And so my fuck buddy comes over my house. And he's like, all right, I'm gonna come over with my bag and then we'll go to the hotel together, meet him.

He had already checked in. And so we do that. And he comes over at he sneezing and coughing. And I'm like, dude, you need to get like a cough. Like this is, you gotta cut the shit. And he's like, you're supposed to call it starting. Yeah. This is how it started.

I might have been the bad. It was also how Chernobyl ended. Oh my God. It is. So we get there and the guy, I'm so nervous. Like I'm sexually adventurous, I talk a big game, and I live up to it, but like it's still very nerve-wracking. But it's equally nerve-wracking.

Like one of the things that makes me feel confident going into a sexually adventurous situation, especially is like feeling hot. Any woman will tell, like, I wanna feel set, I wanna feel my best. If I feel my best, I'm good. Like I, I, whatever happens, it's gonna just flow like a tramp thing.

That's exactly. So I have like one eye and it like, almost started oozing and then it stopped and I was like, oh my god, cause I was putting in my antibiotic eye drops. And my eye, like the white in that eye was just dark red, like dark red. So it was kind of scary. And so we met the guy, the porn star. And he was like, hey, and I was like only showing him my good eye. And I was like, I, it's not no alarm. But I got a weird thing with my eye.

And that's why it's red. I just wanted to know now. and he's like, oh, okay. I thought you were just being sexy. Of course. Oh, hello. So the three of us, we started having sex, and my other contact got knocked out, and I was totally blind, I couldn't see. And I was trying to lower myself on the guy's dick, which was huge. And I was like, I need to be able to see where I'm going with this,

but I figured it out with the hands. But then I have this thing, my boyfriend dated a famous porn star right before me, and I pretended to like all these things sexually, just to feel like not insecure compared to her for in my own life. So one of the things that I did was like, he got me this dildo that was insanely large

and we used it because I was like yeah that's nothing and then an ovarian system I overy burst and I had to go to the ER that. Oh my god. And so that's what you can't lie about that. You can't you can't try it and I say this is the thing but I'm like don't ever try to one up a porn star it's not going to go well. Landed in the air. No problem. Yeah. So I knew this about myself, and this porn star guy's dip was like, it was that big, and I was really like, I don't know if that's gonna fit, man.

And as we were having sex, I started to get the same exact cramping that I got before my old parents' first, and I'm like, I'm literally holding. I'm holding my entire chest and stomach right now. Go on. And I couldn't see. And my eyeballs still hurt at this point.

I heard. I couldn't see, but I held it together. And that is the end of it going bad to be honest, because my ovaries ended up being okay. My eye didn't go any further than it already was. And we all had intercourse, well, I had intercourse with both of them. And it was truly like a dream scenario for me,

not dream circumstances, but it ended up, it ended up like we walked out of the hotel, the guy and I, the poor star guy stayed there. And we just walked out, we like out of the hotel, the guy and I, the poor star guy stayed there, and we just walked out and we high-fived each other, and then I went home and I patched up my eye with ice. Ha-ha-ha. Holy Jesus Christ, that's, you have the bravery

of someone in saving private Ryan. Ha-ha-ha. That is, I don't know if it's bullshit. Yeah. I'm so proud of you. Thank you. I really, I mean, we don't know each other like that, but I feel deep-pride that you were able to soldier, you were able to soldier through that. One quiff and I'm out. We'll be right back. Like for short, and it's full of a lot of interesting questions.

What is happiness really mean? How do I get the most out of my time here on Earth? And what really is the best cereal? These are the questions I seek to resolve on my weekly podcast, Life is short with Justin Long. If you're looking for the answer to deep philosophical questions like, what is the meaning of life? I can't really help you, but I do believe that we really enrich our experience here by learning from others. And that's why in each episode I like to talk with

actors, musicians, artists, scientists, and many more types of people about how they get the most out of life. We explore how they felt during the highs and sometimes more importantly, the lows of their careers. We discuss how they've been able to stay happy during some of the harder times, but if I'm being honest, it's mostly just fun chats between friends about the important stuff. Like if you had a sandwich named after you,

what would be on it? Follow Life is short wherever you get your podcasts. You can also listen to Add Free on the Amazon Music or Wondering App. your podcast. You can also listen to ad free on the Amazon music or wonder yeah. Kyle, please can you tell me what is the story behind what Spanish the sinkhole? So there's what my girlfriend now we decided to get out of town and go to like god, everybody's going to Tulum, going to Mexico. Like I'll just do that with no research. Let's be one of those people, just books a trip, you know? It's like, I just booked a trip, a couple weeks,

we just booked a trip, we'll go to Tulum, Mexico, without even knowing. That's like, you hear people talk about it, it's a fun place. Yeah, we're going to Tulum. That's what young people do. So, we find out we get there, it's actually monsoon season in Mexico, and it's the affordable trip. So, it's monsoon season in Mexico. It's the affordable trip. It's monsoon season.

We pull into Tulum. I don't know if anybody's been to Tulum before. We went together. We went together. Really sure. Yeah. It is the mo, it's like if Instagram designed town. It's all the wing walls in LA.

It's all there. It's every mirror. It's like, oh my god. If there's a lack of dream catchers anywhere It's every mirror, it's like, oh my God. If there's a lack of dream catchers anywhere else in the world, it's because they've brought them. It's like a Gwyneth Paltrow designed a resort town. It's just, yeah.

So we're down there. And all right, we've got the car. We're gonna go these things called cenotes, which are, yeah, that's just a sinkhole. What is the, oh. That's a sinkhole, which I've seen sinkholes. You've seen sinkholes, they'll take somebody's Volkswagen down with them.

But now we're paying money to go see them. And some of them are like these magical anomalies in the Earth's crust. And it's, oh, it's designed well. And it's an elaborate staircase to get down into this crystal blue water that's underneath the Earth's surface. Yeah, God put this here in a huge discover.

Gwyneth, may that stick. Gwyneth, may that stick. It's crystal. Yeah, I wish Gwyneth had made a few more of them because then we're just following this map. And some of them are just like, yeah, I found this in my yard. So now I can charge people whatever I want to go see it.

And you just kind of like fall down some mud into this hole. And then there's like, there's lights in the water. Like, yeah, some guy put electricity into the water and you're in the water. And you're like, this, I don't think this is safe. We repelled into a cenote too. And Christina wore the sexiest bathing suit of all time because she had no idea how fated to call color what I got an agent provocator bathing suit that was like all only thing that

couple was my clit was covered and my name was for guy didn't know I brought that bathing suit and we're getting lower down into a back cave at the top of COVID and I was like I don't know what should we do in this yeah and I yeah it was all the guy our tour guide because you get these tour guides that like lead you into the woods or the Yeah And some of them some of them are legit, but like it turns out if it's just on your property you own it You could just charge people You have a cenote it's like it's like there's an event and you can charge people to park on your lawn like in Suburban. Yeah, that's exactly what it was

So some of them some of them were legit like here's a booth and you pay money and somebody guides you to park So some of them, some of them were legit. Like here's a booth and you pay money and somebody guides you to park and other of them, but there's just like some guy in a folding chair, like it's over there. And so whatever Spanish for at your own risk, it is like, yeah, go dig around in the hole in my yard, like through some, I threw some string lights in there, wrapped them with electrical tape.

And so we're doing that like, you know, this vacation really isn't shaping up. You know, it's hard to believe it's gonna happen. How are you two getting on through this? Cause I feel like that can be very telling. It's either very bonding or it can really rip you apart. Pretty good. I had one moment where I yelled at her

because she yelled because I ran over a snake. And she got angry. But I didn't do it on purpose. The option was to swerve our way and go to an oncoming traffic. I'm gonna take a snake over a local Talmudian. That's five. But so you get back and you're trying to hose off

all this weird cenote underground questionable water and bat in the bat poop too. The guy was like, oh, and here's a bunch of bats bats and you're like, isn't bat poop bad? And the guy's just like we're all just up to our noses because the cave top is here and he's like, at least no one can accuse me of this being like a secret advert for going to Tulum. Jesus, no, no, I would advise, I would advise against, unless your Instagram is suffering. Well, our cenotes, our cenotes, they had corpses in it too.

Like, he was like, he was like, they gave us goggles and they were, and they were like, look underground. There was like a guy down there. There was like a guy down there. I was like, I just go on to that. I keep, like the goggles weren't working. I'm okay. Yeah, he's like, there's like dead, but there's like, full on skeletons, fully intact in the bottom of this. And I was like, just wearing little Asian provocateurs

is a skeleton wearing Asian like clothing now, but like, sorry, I don't mean to be disrespectful. Yeah, I was given the quality of the ones we were going to. I'm sure it was just some Halloween decorations with like an eye patch stuck to it. Like, I don't know how to trust it. Yeah, nothing was sincere about the facts

they were giving us, because the guys like, sometimes you just eat the bat poop like cause it's at our, like we're here with it. And I'm like, that's, I don't wanna go like, first world, second world, things that you learn about. And I know there was gaps in what I was educated on, but I know that you're not supposed to eat bat poop.

Like I know that's like a real bad thing. You could put on your face though, it's in mascara or they used to use it in mascara as an ingredients. So you can't hack niggas. Really? Yeah. Yeah.

What are these bags still doing here then? How's that in that cenote for a good hour and a half? Well that's not, that's not mascara. I'm a scurried on the lashes. Okay, so you've had like a shitty time up until now. Literally a bat shitty time. You are covered in dirt and it's raining. And you've had one fight over a snake.

Yeah, I'll still say we were having laughs about it and then it came to the point of like renting bikes to go into town, you could rent bikes and we're riding through floodwater, cause it's monsoon. It was like, that was real man. It's like a foot and a half deep and we're riding these rental bikes or water. We're just having a good time being soaked in wet.

It was nice. And we get in a town and we're in some bar, some middle of the day. And she just goes, she goes, oh, they got like a, it's like a 500 pay so buffet over there. And I was like, don't do that. Like I eat, I eat like, I'm gonna say so buffet over there. I was like, don't do that. Like I eat, I eat like a stunt man. Like I eat like I'll take it, I'll take it like I'll jump out in front of the train

of whatever kind of weirdness. I call that playing Oshole roulette. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, she lost. She came back, because she came back like for once, I'm the one like, don't, that's a bad idea. I'm never that guy. And she comes back.

She's like, they got tuna sandwiches. I'm like that, you just pay 11 cents for a tuna sandwich that's on the sunny side of the business. That's just been sitting out, getting some vitamin D over there on the sidewalk. I'm like, this is a bad idea. I've got to tell you this is a bad idea. It's like, it's fine.

That dictated the rest of our trip, which was her being incredibly sick. And then realizing that you can't drink the water, so I would ride the rental bike to 7-Eleven and I bought a bunch of water. I didn't realize that I bought the water. So I would ride the rental bike to 711 and I bought a bunch of water. I didn't realize that I bought soda water. So then I bring like all these two liters back because in Spanish and realize it's carbonated water. So now like she's like dying of dysentery. We both can't stop belching. And it's like a fun thing to like, she's trying to throw up, but it's carbonated water because that's all you can get.

So she's like, blah, blah, it just sounds. And I'm like, that stuff makes me laugh because I'm a child. It's hilarious. But I'm also trying to be supportive of like, are you okay? Like, good one, you know? And then, and then the last day we're on a beach

and a donkey with a big boner came walking by. And we're like, this is like the most, this sums up this entire trip so well. Oh, it wasn't. How big was it? We're like, I got a picture somewhere like way bigger than what, I mean, I'm not to be crass but that's what we're talking about these days.

Like, boy, this trip's been pretty wild and then we turn around and it's just a beach donkey. It's not like doing a job. It's just a donkey. It's on the beach with, you know, just a very aroused beach donkey looking of all those titties on the beach. Like, yeah, stop and find everybody for the perfect selfie

to sum up the vacation. So it's like me and her and a big old donkey hog right in the middle. And just like, yep, we made it to Mexico. We didn't get a picture in front of the angel wings, but this is a pretty good one. That's not it. Jesus Christ on a bicycle. So not all places are created equal for food poisoning.

I mean, friend of mine went with his family to India and his parents both got terrible food poisoning for meeting vegetarian food, which you would think would be safer, but it's been cooked in all that water, and if the water isn't 100% safe, and that food is like waterlogged, it's like 70% dirty water, those vegetables.

And they shat so much that they weren't able to get to the toilet, sorry to the listeners, but they had to just, it was their big anniversary trip and they had to lie there. And I just like, I think about this, I think of this image all the time, they had to wear adult diapers and just lay there, lay there because they were too weak to get off and go to the toilet again and again so they were given adult diapers by their hotel and they just lay there like as kind of in these two staffish positions, holding hands, just shitting and crying.

And I was like, that is the most epic anniversary one could ever imagine, just openly lying there, crying and shitting holding hands. And I was like, oddly, there's something that feels so much more romantic to me. You know what I'm saying? When the elderly couple, the elderly couple dies on the Titanic and they're like, fuck it, I'm just gonna stay in the bed and go down with the boat.

It's kinda like that. May as well take a shit while we're doing this. We're out. We're out. All right, well, thank you so much for that wild ride. Yeah. Oh, Jesus Christ, guys, how are you all still alive? Ask myself that every day.

Please come back. These stories have been fucking mental. Bye guys. Bye, thank you. Kyle Canaine's comedy special, Trampalina the Ditch, is available on YouTube and you can find information about his upcoming tour dates at KyleCanaine.com. Tickets for Christina shows are at Christina Hutchinson.com and Corinne's live dates are at CorinneFisher.com.

And their show together, Guys We Fucked, is wherever you get your podcasts and it is hilarious. Bad dates is produced by Smartless Media and Wondery. Created by Robert Cohen Executive producers are Robert Cohen and Jemida Jemil. That's me. Produced by Stuart Bailey, produced, engineered and edited by Devon Tori Bryant. Talent producer is Anne Harris.

Associate producer is Maddie McCann. Music by Kushy and Evan Schletter. Executive producers are Will Arnett, Jason Vaatman and Sean Hayes. Executive producers for Smartless Media, are Richard Coulson and Bernie Kaminsky. If you've had a bad day and you'd like to tell us all about it, our number is 984-265-3283 and our email is baddatespod at gmail.com. We can't wait to hear all about it.

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