Bad Dates with Jameela Jamil - Gay Escrow (w/ Caitlin Reilly, Jacquis Neal, and Tien Tran)

Episode Date: September 16, 2024

On a new episode of Bad Dates, host Joel Kim Booster welcomes comedians Caitlin Reilly, Jacquis Neal, and Tien Tran to discuss their most iconic dating fiascos. Caitlin’s hipster rom-com dissipates by the fourth location, Jacquis keeps his eyes on the road, and Tien processes her breakup by LARPing straight at the EDM tent. If you’ve had a bad date you’d like to tell us about, our number is 984-265-3283, and our email is [e-mail], we can’t wait to hear all about it! Subscribe to our YouTube Channel for video clips. Joel Kim Booster: Psychosexual, Fire Island, Loot Season 2Caitlin Reilly: @hicaitlinreilly on Insta, Dead Boy Detectives on Netflix, In The Know on PeacockJacquis Neal: @jacquisneal on InstaTien Tran: @hanktina on Insta, Mr Throwback on Peacock Subscribe to SiriusXM Podcasts+ on Apple Podcasts to listen to ad-free new episodes.

Smart, last, me-a. I've had like four boyfriends in my life and three of them have been Patrick's. So this is like a safe space for me. You have a type. You have a type. Yeah. I have a type. When I was straight, I had a type.

Wait. There's Patrick's. Their names were all Patrick? Yes. That's wild. Wow. Okay. Have you dated a Patricia or anything like that? No, I didn't, I didn't cross it over.

Okay. Thank God. Hello, hello, hello, hello, and welcome to another episode of Bad Dates brought to you by Smartless Media. I'm your host, Joel Kim Booster here for another round of incredible, funny, sad, disturbing stories from some very funny comedians about their bad dates. And listen, this is all in good fun. No one is a villain in these stories, except for possibly the people telling them. So, you know, lighten up, have some fun, and maybe learn something for once.

Learn something from their mistakes, okay? Before we jump in though, as always, I have a little bit of listener mail to get through. I got this text from Georgia. Bad Dates. Hi Bad Dates. I just ended a 15 year relationship with a man and I've been out of the dating scene for a while. My single friends keep warning me it's a whole different world now. Like how I need to be okay if someone starts choking me a little and how I shouldn't be surprised if a date spits in my mouth. Why are people doing that and what the hell is going on? Are there other awful surprises waiting for me? Don't sugarcoat

it. What am I in for? Also, should I try poppers? What are they?" Now, Georgia, I am the new host of Bad Dates. You probably didn't know when you texted in that a terminally gay man would be hosting this podcast that you're asking advice for. So I don't really know what the landscape for straight women looks like. We will be bringing in some people who might be closer to your situation, might be able to answer more accurately than me. But just from an outsider's perspective, I got to say, I don't think you have to be okay with being choked without your consent or spit on without your consent for that matter. I think this is your friend's problem, not yours. They're certainly making it yours though. So I would look at your

friend group and really reconsider them from top to bottom. You just got out of a 15 year relationship with a man, maybe it's time for a complete overhaul of your social life. Because that's fucked up. No one should be getting choked or spit on or really have any invasive sexual act thrust upon them without their consent. In fact, I think I assumed that we here in 2024 were on a consent kick. So I would definitely do that. And as the poppers, if you're looking to have more normal sex and less weird sex, I wouldn't try it. I wouldn't. That's for gay guys. Okay. And yes, it does work for women. It loosens you up. It makes your muscles looser. But you know, it makes things a little weird too. So I wouldn't, if you're not willing

to dip your toe in the weird pool, I would avoid poppers. Also straight people have a terrible history with them. I don't know if you knew about this group of straight people at Coachella who took them as shots instead of sniffing them and all ended up in the emergency room, which I say that's what you get for appropriating gay culture without at least one gay friend in the room. So, like I said, we do have people on the show today who might be able to give you a better perspective of what things actually look for straight women out there right now,

including the first and only straight woman on the panel today. Very, very funny comedian and actor from Hacks and Loot. Please give it up for Kaitlyn Riley! Oh my God, I'm honored to be the only straight person here today. Well, you know, DEI has gotten out of control, as everybody knows. Next up, we have Juckey Sneal, actor and comedian from Grant Crew and Physical.

Hello, sir, how are you doing? Oh, I'm doing so good. And Joel, I just want to say, you're absolutely right. Yeah, don't spit on people. And don't get spit on without your consent. It really stops there. I'm not always right, but on this I feel pretty, pretty good. And last, but definitely not least, someone that I have known for probably the entire 13 to 14 years

that I have been doing stand-up. We were in the trenches in Chicago together. She is so funny, actor, comedian, writer from How I Met Your Father and Candyman. Please give it up for Tien Tran, everybody. Hello. Hello, my love. It's so good to see you.

In a little box. It sucks that I see you in more little boxes these days than I do on my own. I know. But that is, that's just the world we live in. So guys, what do you think about George's predicament? I think this is a symptom of porn brain. I think this is a big symptom of porn brain by guys of a certain generation.

And I think maybe like cluing them in on how vanilla you are during the date is good. Like being like, you know what I hate? Strangling. I love to breathe freely during sex. It's a big part of sex for me. We're actually going to start with Caitlin. So this dating story, at this point in my life, I had gone through the most violent breakup I've ever had.

I was in a relationship with a guy that I met off of Tinder. We were together for two and a half years. And then all of a sudden he just kind of started to be a dick to me, which was so fun to unpack in therapy years later. But I got back on the dating apps, and I was like, it's fine, I'm just going to feel myself, live, laugh, love, eat, pray, love. Swipe away the pain, yeah. Swipe away the pain, and it's fine, I'm hot.

And I was so poor, I was living in a shit hole apartment in Glendale, I was not having a good time. And I matched with this guy on Bumble and he's a writer for Vice. And I was like, okay, that's like a really cute rom-com job, but like also alternative. And I liked that for me. I liked the fact that he was a writer for Vice.

Where, what year is this by the way? This was 2018. Okay. So Vice is like still very like. Vice is still cool. Vice is still rolling. Vice is still very cool in 2018. I was like, wow, he's a writer for Vice.

That's so hot. Yeah, digital media wasn't completely dead yet. Yeah. Exactly. It's very Matthew McConaughey, how to lose a guy in 10 days. Yes, and that is what I wanted. And so we matched and my whole thing is that if I matched with the guy and we were vibing, we're going to go on a date, I was like, give me your phone number, we can text or we could

talk on the phone. That was kind of my role. That was my one boundary back when I was 27. We're texting and it's flirtatious and all of a sudden he kind of changes the conversation to be super hypersexual. So it goes from being flirtatious and being like, oh yeah, I like this and I like that too. I fucking love seeing down the throat of a girl's open gullet.

Like it was so intense. What? And he started to get really detailed with certain sexual things he liked. And for some reason I was like, okay, yeah, let's meet up. I don't know what, I was in the trenches of like severe breakup depression. Don't tell anybody you want to see their gullet.

That's not a- Yeah, gullet is an especially disturbing word to hear in a sexual abuse. Or down your throat, nothing inside. No descriptions of inside. Yeah, he got very, very detailed about that. And me, I'm chronically too nice. And I was like, oh yeah, I can see how you would enjoy that. I just didn't know. I was like, I'm cool, Oh, yeah, I can see how you would enjoy that. I just didn't know. I was like,

I'm cool. It's fine. I get it. I gotta say that is like my biggest problem with like Japanese anime porn sometimes is they love a shot from inside the body. And I know a lot of this is alienating a lot of people who don't listen to an or watch anime porn. But yeah, you you'll get a lot of this is alienating a lot of people who don't listen to an or watch anime porn But um, yeah, you you'll get a lot of POV shots from inside the anal canal Which I think is like he's probably watching a lot of that porn, right? Well, I see yes So so um, he also went into the kind of girl that he prefers And he was like I only date Asian girls. I was like, oh, okay.

All right. He was like, I don't, right. And so, and so I didn't love that because I was like, I feel like that's sort of your objectifying women, you're objectifying Asian women, you're fetishizing Asian women in a way that feels like very weirdly disrespectful to me. Like I was very weirded out by that.

I don't know why I decided to meet up with this guy. I don't know what I was thinking. He was a writer for Vice. I was vulnerable. You were vulnerable. It's called depression. What did he expect you to do by telling you that, by the way? I only really like Asian girls. How did he want you to do?

Do you want you to just like put on a lot of eyeliner? What was the end game there? Yeah. I'm assuming he's seen you. And like, why would you say that to anyone? I don't know. I told him that I had two Japanese sisters. Okay. And because I do. And he, I feel like I don't, I don't know. So you kind of opened the door.

He was probably like, she's Asian coded. Asian coded, which yeah, Asian adjacent, very Asian adjacent. Where I was like, oh yeah, I grew up very heavily involved in Japanese culture, two Japanese sisters, it's very much a part of who I am. And he was like, oh, I only fuck Asian girls. And I was like, okay.

I love to hear that. But I guess I'm an exception because I'm so awesome. Anyway, so I meet up with him because I'm like, he's a writer for Vice. And so he has me. I get in a 30 minute Uber to meet him at some stupid bar downtown. I'm in the trenches, guys.

Forgive me. You have to understand I'm in the trenches. No, that's a lot of money and I get it. Yeah. I get in a 30 minute Uber. I get out of the Uber. He's standing outside. We are wearing the same jacket. And the jacket that I'm wearing.

I love this. The jacket that I'm wearing is like an oversized Forever 21 acid wash denim jacket. Mind you, it's the height of 2017 acid wash is still very much a thing that's happening. So I'm like, Oh my God, we're wearing the same jacket. And he goes forever 21. And I'm like, yeah, that's crazy. So we hug, we go inside, we get a drink, we sit down,

and I'm just, I'm just bada-bing, bada-booming. I'm just trying to be charming, I'm trying to be funny, I'm trying to tell more about myself, whatever. And every other thing that comes out of my mouth, because I made the grave mistake of telling him that I was a comedian and actress, every other thing out of my mouth, he would say, you're nuts.

Or, wow, you're one of the crazy ones aren't you or god you're hilarious and like I was like oh yeah my dad is Alzheimer no way like it was it was actually crazy and he was like in a super speedy energy I kind of feel like he did blow before the date um likely thing for a Vice writer to do. Exactly like he's like I'm going on a very demure, very cutesy demure date with a girl from Glendale I'm gonna do some cocaine. So we're sitting at the bar, he's really boring, he's not telling me anything about himself. I'm like, he's so like he does not reflect being a writer for Vice.

It's such a boner for that. We're at this fucking bar and, you know, the sun goes down. He's like, do you want to get some ice cream? We're at the bar for 30 minutes. He's like, do you want to get some ice cream? And I'm thinking like, yeah, sure. I guess. He pays the tab. We get in his car. We drive five minutes to this ice cream shop. He's like, have you ever been here? It was Salt and Straw.

I was like, no, I've never been to, I hate Salt and Straw. I was like, no, I've never been to Salt and Straw. Get the fuck out of here with your candle ass ice cream flavor, Salt and Straw. Thank you! I don't want lavender ice cream. No, no, no, no, no. I do not want an ice cream flavor

that is like rain on the asphalt, okay? I don't need to know how moon dust tastes like. Yeah, no. Black sesame, poppy, like get the fuck out of here. Anyway. Thanksgiving dinner, no, no. Yeah, Thanksgiving dinner ice cream. Yeah, so all the places he was taking me to

was very like hipster coded and I'm just, I hate that. Well, you are on a date with a vice writer there, Caitlin, no. I know, I a vice writer though, Kailin. I know. I know. Look inward, but continue. So we get the ice cream. He takes two bites. He looks at me and he's like, do you want to do karaoke?

We're in, I think we're in the little Tokyo area. We're in the little Tokyo area, which I think he did on purpose. I just put that together. Oh my gosh. So he's like, do you want to do karaoke? And I was like, uh, sure, I guess. Like we were now going to a third location that we had only, and we're at the second location.

We'd only been at the second location for 20 minutes. Like it's like the date that would never end. And I kept looking for windows to get out of the date, but he kept taking me to other locations. Well, and think back, Caitlin, did he get like matcha ice cream? Or like boba? It was probably mochi something, I don't know.

Yeah, no, it was mochi for sure. I'm sure it was, I'm sure it was. Anyway, so we go to this karaoke bar, he's like, I come here all the time, they know me. I'm like, cool. So we go into this room, I don't know this person, so I'm, and I'm also not drunk, I'm stone cold sober, I'm not gonna get on the microphone

and start singing a song at the top of my lungs in a way that's like flirty and cutesy and fun. And we're vibing. None of those things are happening, right? But I'm in this karaoke bar in this room, just the two of us. And he puts in a song. I think it's like a journey song,

like, oh, how fucking ironic, you know? He starts singing at the top of his lungs, really not speaking to me at all, gives me the microphone, he goes, your turn. I'm like, okay. I pick a song from Wicked, so I start singing Defying Gravity in like a way that's fun.

And then afterwards, kind of no like, ha ha, no camaraderie, no connection. He looks at me, he's like, you're a nightcap? And I'm like, what the fuck is happening? Anybody that hits that note at the end of Defying Gravity and don't get a compliment, cut them out of your life. Immediately. I know, that's true.

I hit the note, I did. I used to do musical theater. I bet you did. Crazy. Yeah, so then, so he talks me into a nightcap and I'm like, OK, we go to the short stop in Echo Park. And I don't know if you guys know this place, but after 10 p.m. it turns into a nightclub

and you cannot have a conversation. It's past 10 p.m. I'm like, oh, God, what does he want to do? Make out in the corner. And that's exactly what he wanted to do. And I wasn't down. And he's doing that thing that guys do where we have our drinks, we're talking,

and he's kind of doing like the up and down, looking at me, like looking at me, and then looking at my chest and looking at me. And then in the middle of me talking, he'll be like, wow. And then I have to say, what? And then he says, you're just, you're gorgeous. And then I have to say, Oh my God, thank you. And act like no one's ever told me that before.

And listeners, I would like to point out she is. Oh my God. Thank you, Joel. Thank you. But he's doing that whole thing, right? He's doing that whole like, I'm going to make you feel good about yourself because you're so beautiful and you're just a little bambi in the wild. I don't think you've ever felt good about yourself before. And I'm here to make you feel good. Straight men love that.

Straight men love thinking that you have no confidence. To be fair, you are at a fourth location with this man. I know. Maybe it was a good thing he said that. Listen, and maybe he was right. You know what I mean? Anyway, so he finally drives me home. And this was, and mind you, fourth location, I went through a phase where even if I was

on the worst date ever, I had to kiss the guy on the first date to see if they were a good kisser. Because people are bad kissers out here. I didn't know that people were bad kissers. It's an epidemic. People are terrible kissers. I don't know what the fuck's going on. So we pull into my driveway.

He leans over. We're kissing. As we're kissing, he takes his hand and he puts it around my neck and he starts choking me. Woof. No. He starts choking me and I'm like, what the fuck's going on?

So I have, you know, I can still breathe obviously. He's doing it in a sexual way. We're just sitting in his car kissing. Like the console's between us. I'm in my seat. He's in his. His hands are around my throat. Yeah. He starts choking me.

Getting choked out in a Prius on a first date, that is rough. Unbelievable. Unbelievable. I pull his hand away for a second and then he puts it back. I don't know what's happening. So I pull away and I go, all right, I think I'm going to go inside. And I feel like he thought that I pulled away and cut it short because I just I got so Flustered and turned on I had to leave

But I was trying to get out of a super creepy weird situation So I go into my apartment. He leaves he texts me he goes Wow, you're incredible I'm like I never ever want to see this man ever again I then proceed to break out in hives all over my face and my neck. And I'm like, what the fuck is happening? It's really bad. I'm having a full blown allergic reaction.

I take a Benadryl. I eventually text him back and I think to myself, what could be giving me this reaction? And then I texted him, I was like, do you have a cat by any chance? Because I'm like borderline anaphylactically allergic to cats. He texts me back and he goes, yeah, I have two cats actually.

I was like, okay, cool. I just, LOL, I just like broke out in hives after we made out, LOL. But fucking weirdo, he choked me in his car on our first date. And then gave you hives. Yep, I know. And I gotta say, I decided this

even before the end of your story. I think you're somewhere between location two and three, but you are, I do this sometimes on the pod, I'm awarding you with the, our straight women okay memorial purple heart for your tale. Thank you. I'm awarding you with the, our Straight Women Okay Memorial Purple Heart for your tale. Thank you. And they're not, they're not.

We'll be right back. Bad Dates. Bad Dates. Bad Dates. Bad Dates. Bad Dates. Bad Dates. Bad Dates.

Bad Dates. Bad Dates. Bad Dates. Bad Dates. J'Kies, I can't wait to hear what you've brought to the table today. This story is insane. I'm going to let you know that now and it takes a couple of turns.

Buckle up. I'm so excited. Buckle up. Let's start with this. I was a tour guide. I've been a tour guide for a long time. I'm not anymore, but that was like my job when I was still in the workforce. And I was a tour guide for a company here in Los Angeles

called the Rasta Bus. Have you guys ever seen the Rasta Bus driving around town in LA? I've seen it. Oh my God. Yeah. No, I was a tour guide and I eventually became the manager of that company.

But this story is when I was a tour guide with that company. So the Rasta Bus, if you don't know. You were the manager of the Rasta Bus company? I was the manager of the Rasta Bus company. A day in LA tours on a Rasta Bus. That was me. That is unbelievable. I didn't own it. I didn't own it, but I did become the tour manager

for about a year or so. And what is your relationship to the Rasta lifestyle? Shakeeth? I mean, you know, listen, I'm gonna tell you this in case anybody wants to know, the company was definitely owned by appropriators. They were not Jamaican, they were not, I also was not up there doing Jamaican accents

or anything like that. I was curious, thank you. You weren't gonna go down that way. That's not how you're getting canceled. I know, I know. I didn't do anything cancelable. I don't know how to say that. I didn't do anything cancelable. I don't know how to say that. I didn't get canceled for my job with the Rasta Bus.

And the party bus was just, people get on the bus, we drive them around, they get drunk, they do drugs, they go to places, it's a party, it's a party bus. First time I ever got gonorrhea was on a party bus, actually. That makes perfect sense. How did you know that you got gonorrhea from the bus? Well, it wasn't from the bus. It was from someone on the bus. Mm-hmm.

And you can get pretty wet and wild on a party bus. At the end of the story, it'll make more sense how Joel probably got gonorrhea on a party bus. I love the foreshadowing. It's crazy. All right, so I met this girl. I don't do apps. I think I've been on apps for, like especially since my, in between my long-term and my current relationship,

I was on the app for like two weeks and I was like, this sucks. And then I got off. So I'm also an organic person. Okay, gloating. I mean, you know, we in these streets, no. But I don't love the apps. So I met this person at a party through a friend.

And she was cool. She was great. We talked. I'm kind of new in the dating scene again, because at this point it had been about seven, eight years since I had dated anyone. And so I'm like nervous and things like that. So we go out on a date.

It's a fun date. Everything is good. We don't kiss or anything like that. So we go out on a date. It's a fun date. Everything is good. We don't kiss or anything like that. We just get to know each other. No choking. No choking. I didn't choke her. She asked me to and I was like, no, I can't do that.

Can't do it. Was it me? It was, I mean, listen, maybe. She was cool. I thought she was cool. And obviously the conversation of where I worked came up. And I, when I was working there, I was able to get people pretty much free roster bus,

like party buses, you know, or very discounted, like a hundred dollars for four hours, which is very cheap. So I told her that and she was like, oh, that seems so fun. I would love to do that. So, you know, you knew in the dating scene, I'm like, oh, that seems so fun. I would love to do that. So, you know, new in the dating scene, I'm like, let me use what I get. Hey, you wanna actually do, I texted her like a couple of days,

you wanna do this? We can get something up. I'll drive it for you. Cause in my mind, I'm thinking, all right, I'll drive her around with her friends. They'll have a good time. I'll be the cool like driver who showed them a good time and stuff like that.

And then like after I dropped them off, you know, I'll get the bus all situated and then we can go and have a good time at night, right? She takes me up on that. She has me, she books a party bus to go to Temecula. Which is not uncommon, but it is pretty far. So it's like a seven hour. It's pretty far. So it's a seven hour.

To people who don't live in LA, how far is Temecula from say Hollywood? About two, two and a half hours. Yes. And that drive sucks. Cause I have to do it all the time with my parents. So that's a lot. Yeah, it's not great.

Especially depending on the time of day you go. It's not great. But I'm like, you know, all right, whatever. I'm like early thirties. So I'm like, whatever, that's cool. So it's gonna be a bunch of her friends. And if you can't tell by my voice, I am a black man. This was a white woman.

So it was a bunch of her white friends. And I'm like, all right, cool. I'm gonna take them to Temecula, two hour drive. They'll listen to music. They'll start drinking on the bus. They were doing cocaine on the bus. They were having a good time. It was all chill, right?

So we're going to wineries by the time we get into Temecula. At one of the wineries, I dropped them off. I have time to myself. I'm chilling. And she comes back to the bus. So I'm like, oh, dope, she's coming back. We'll have a nice little conversation. We'll see what's up.

She comes back in the bus and I can tell she's, I mean, she's a little, she's been drinking, but I can tell like, I'm coming to flirt. I'm coming to flirt, I'm coming to talk to you. In the midst of us flirting, she lets, I don't know if she lets slip, but she lets it get out that her boyfriend is in the bus with us and on this party bus.

And I'm like, what the fuck? Like, what the fuck are you talking about? Your boyfriend, he was like, yeah, yeah, like he's here. But I'm like, and you're still flirting with me? And at the time, I guess I was vanilla. I didn't really have a barometer for, all right, maybe they're open or a polyamorous or anything like that. I'm just like, oh, you want some,

you're doing some dirt right now, right? So I could tell she's like pressing, but at this point I'm like, nah, I'm working. You know, it's chill, I'm good. Cause in my mind I'm like, I don't wanna start doing anything with this person. And then her boyfriend comes back and then I gotta drive these motherfuckers back two hours,

like with a mad boyfriend while I got my back turned to him for two hours. Like I don't trust him. Not on the Rasta bus, a sacred place. Not on the Rasta bus. Also, place. Not on the Rasta bus. Also did you notice him at all? I just pictured it was all women. No, it was dudes and it was the group of friends.

So it was dudes and girls. And so like I didn't notice him, but obviously after that I started to clock shit. Cause I'm not really, you don't really pay attention to everything that's going on in the back while you're driving them. So I'm not seeing stuff and things like that. So I'm like, all right, this is weird. This is wild. Her boyfriend is here.

She can obviously tell I got cold and I kind of like start turning her advances down. She goes back to the winery. The day finishes. We're on our way back. As we're on our way back, this is not uncommon, but people start to make out on the bus. Not uncommon, that happens, especially at the end of a party bus.

Everybody's drunk, faded, whatever. And- I hate being around people that are making out. It is, I do too, especially now, because it didn't stop there. It didn't stop there. It didn't stop there. So as I'm driving, I have a little like rear view mirror that I can see in the back of something that's going down.

I'm starting to see like, shit is getting heavy. Like hands are going places, shirts are coming off. Oh. And I'm like, okay. From, wait, just one, like one coupling or kind of everybody? It was about nine of them and about six or seven of them were starting to like make out and mingle and have fun together. And like switch a route, like switching around like.

And within 10 to 15 minutes, they were having an orgy on my bus. Okay. They were having, Gang I've been here. They were having an orgy on the Rasta bus. So I like pulled the mirror up so I can't see. I'm like, well, I guess I should slow down so like they can be safe.

Cause they're not customer service. That is so good. What are you seeing? What are you seeing? What's happening? So before I like put the mirror up, I definitely saw some head. I definitely saw, I saw a lot of,

I saw about three people getting hit. And I definitely saw, I heard penetration. What do you mean? You can hear, I can hear them fucking. You know what he means, K-Way. You know what he means. You know what penetration sounds like. Was there any reciprocal?

Were women getting head? I did not see any women getting head. Damn it, God damn it. I did not see any women getting head. Which sucks, right? Doesn't it? Okay, okay. So there's an orgy going on on my fucking bus.

They're having fun. I definitely know there was some switching going on. So now I'm like, okay, maybe that's why she was like, hey, even though my boyfriend is here, I'm still wanting you, right? We get back to like their destination where I dropped them all off. And as they're all going off, they're all, you know,

you get that little embarrassed look, they're like looking and laughing and like trying not to make eye contact because they know what they just did. And she's the last one. And she was like, that was so fun. Thank you so much. Hands me a $300 tip, walks off the bus.

I've never talked to her or seen her again after that. Wow. Never. Listen, listen, I'm going to say something that she, like she's an icon. Crazy. I love it. She's an icon. I mean.

No, honestly, I'm listening to this story, Chiquis, and I'm sort of like, when is she dropping an album? How can I support her? Yeah. Seriously. Yeah. What does she do now? And she retired that bus. That bus after that was retired.

Well, no, I mean, full Viking funeral. You gotta like set it out into the Hollywood reservoir on fire at this point. Yeah. Bad Gates. Bad Gates. on fire at this point. Yeah. BAD DATES BAD DATES BAD DATES

Tian, give us the context. Give us the lowdown. Where are you at now? What is your dating style? Monogamy, lots of single, like, first dates. What's the deal? -♪ So I was, well now, I've been with my now wife

for 11 years now. So my story starts with like the very last day I was straight. Like officially. And it's a wonderful bookend to start with Caitlin and then end with you sort of. I'm still in the trenches. You are still in the trenches and there's still time to change. Hey, I'm all about that. It's very trendy now for late in life lesbians.

I love that for me. I really do. So this takes place just like right after my very first girlfriend broke up with me and I thought I was like in love with her. And we had dated for a year and a half and she broke my heart and she immediately started dating another Asian woman who did unfortunately look like me. You have been there. It's right after this. I'm feeling pretty sad, feeling pretty low, and my college friends were like,

let's go to Lollapalooza, like it's 2011, let's go see the postal service, and leaky-wee, this is the time, we can do this. Yes, yes, take me back, take me back to that time. The last time we were all truly happy. Like, things are carefree, things are feeling good, we're not on the internet as much. Yeah, I'm going to Lollapalooza 2011. And so I knew that this one particular man was going to be there who had already shown

interest in me when we were in college. And I had told him I was gay. Like I actually came out to him like senior year of college. But I knew he was coming and I was like, you know, I'm feeling so sad right now that I could be straight for a day. Like that is how sad I'm feeling. And so I put on my nicest outfit,

which at the time was an American Apparel crop top. I was literally about to guess crop top. I knew you were gonna say American Apparel. And you know the cut. I know exactly the cut. In fact, Tien, I can literally pull up a picture of us together. Together wearing the same crop top, basically. It's like a little loose.

It's like short and like comes in such fun colors. And you look great in it. You look fantastic in it. Thank you. At the time, side boobing was a strength of mine. It was like my favorite. It was the thing that made me feel hot. So I was side boobing, crop top, everything was, I was feeling good.

So we all meet up like down by, Lollapalooza takes place downtown in Chicago at Grant Park. And so we all took the train down. We all have big 7-Eleven slushies. And I see him kind of giving me eyes. And I was like, okay, please pass the Bacardi to me. I'm gonna be very, very, very fucked up

if I'm gonna do this. So I was just drinking Bacardi and slushie the entire time on the train down to Grand Park. Been there. Mm-hmm. Yeah. So we get to Grand Park and Patrick is like, actually, I really want to go to the EDM tent. Does anyone want to come with me?

And I was like, OK, I have a choice here. I can go with my friends, have a really good time, not make out with anyone, or I can really immerse myself in the heterosexual culture and go into the EDM tent and make out with someone, have someone make me feel good about myself. I of course chose to go to Perry's to go see Skrillex and Glitch Mob.

I don't know if you either. You know, I've made some appearances at the EDM tent myself. Yes. And I think EDM music to me feels very straight. And like the EDM tent was maybe this one of the scariest, straightest places I've ever been in my entire life.

Famous and stuff, yeah. So I'm there. I barely remember talking to him. I don't think we had a conversation the whole time. We get in there, we're both drunk. I just remember, it turns into sort of like a montage of like the straightest day I've ever had. I was one of those women that got up on his shoulders. You got to. No.

No, listen, I think it is a genetic, it is an evolutionary need for women straight and otherwise. When they are seeing EDM music, they got to see it from this guy. And honestly, the people around me were being very nice about it. They were like, oh my God, look at you up there. I'm like, yeah, look at me, I'm on top of the world. I was having the time of my life. Look at you, look at you up there. You're having fun. We took one little break to step outside

to try to meet friends that were by the EDM tent. So I had a, there was a, like two hours into Perry's, there was a moment that I could have been like, okay, Tian, remember you are actually a lesbian. This is like not at all what you want in your life. And my friends, I think my friends were confused. It was like all of my college best friends for, and they were all straight and I had just come out to them probably for a year, and I could see their faces kind of being like, what the fuck is she doing?

Like, no one said anything, they were all being very loving and supportive, but I think they were just kind of like, okay, I guess she's not gay, I think she's been lying to us. That's not what I'm talking about. Right, well no, it's like buying a house. When you come out, you have a window

in which you can back out. You know? It's roughly a... Eskro? Eskro. Yeah, exactly. I was currently at Lollapalooza Eskro. You were in the gay escro period. Gay escro.

I was gay escro-ing. And they were kind of like, okay, is she gonna follow through or is she gonna buy another house? And so I go back to the fucking tent and this time he grabs my hand and is like, let's get to the front. And we push our way all to the front, which I've never experienced that before.

I feel like lesbians don't push their way to the front of the concert. Like there's a certain amount of straight privilege that I got to experience that day. And I gotta say, I kinda loved it. I loved it. You go to an Indigo Girls concert, the whole front, first five feet from the stage, empty.

Just empty. Nobody's- Everyone's, yeah, just empty. It's just empty. We're kind of like, we need to give the performers space. Like, nobody's pushing to the front, so we're pushing. He's getting in kind of like fights with people, but he's pushing to the front, so we're pushing. He's getting in kind of like fights with people,

but he's kind of like a, okay, I have to kind of explain. He's like a Boston baseball bro. Like, so hot. Good Lord. So hot. So hot. Good Lord. Boston baseball bro.

I would have let him ruin my life. Yup. His name was Patrick. Without question. So like he was wearing like one of those flat brim. Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. Oh, now don't get Caitlin too excited now. And you bet your ass I took that hat off his head

and put it on mine. Oh, you had to. Yes you did bitch, because that is the way. Yes you did. So I'm is the way. Yes you did. So I'm wearing this like Boston's Red Sox hat being like dragged to the front of the Perry's tent. Dragged back into heterosexuality at the same time. Truly dragged back into, you're absolutely right.

Dragged back into heterosexuality. So we're at the front row, we're going crazy. He turns to me, we're making out really, really hard. He grabs my crop top and rips it in half. No. Which those crop tops for me at that time, that was an investment. Those are expensive crop tops.

So he rips it in half and I kind of remember grabbing his tank top because he was wearing one as well and trying to rip it in half. Couldn't do it. And then we stopped and like started making out. But I'm just like, so I'm standing in the front, baseball bro, just a vest now. I have a vest on from an American Apparel crop top, my like tiny little strapless bras on, and I'm just like, this is, what am I doing? So instead of stopping there, he ripped, the ripping of my crop top motivated me to go,

hey, let's go back to my place. Oh my God. That is that naturally, you are so deep in your female heterosexuality. I could tell the rest of the story for you. Yes. I was like, OK, I'm already here. I'm already I'm already in I'm already in the house. Like, I might as well just like. Try it out for like, let's just keep trying.

No, you're larping and you're really doing it. And when I lark, I go 100 percent. It's no, you're LARPing and you're really doing it. And when I LARP, I go 100%. It's something that everybody knows about me. I am not gonna half ass LARP this. So we go back to my apartment and we go right back to my room and we start hooking up just like really making out really, really hard.

We're taking clothes off. In my head, I'm like, okay, this is, okay, we're, okay. Like this is happening, this is happening. We're okay. Like, this is happening. This is happening. How long had it been since you'd last seen a penis? It had been five years. Okay, wow. Whoa.

Yeah. So Wow. It had been a long time. It had been five years since I'd seen a penis, and we're in my room. I remember very distinctly, I am on top of him, we have our clothes off, and I remember reaching down to unbutton his pants, and I go, Patrick, I'm gay. And he goes, I know. Ha! Ha!

All knowing, all knowing. Patrick is all knowing. And we stopped, and surprisingly, not surprisingly, I mean, I, he. You were friends with this man. We were friends before. Yeah. And he was like, Tien, that was really fun,

and that's all that it has to be. And I was like, okay, great. Patrick! Patrick! That's a good response to end, yeah. Yes! So, Tien, just to close us out here, That's a good response to end, yeah. Yes. So, Chan, just to close us out here, I mean, I think I know sort of the lesson that you took away, the rule,

maybe that you put in place afterwards, but just sort of drive it home for us. I mean, I guess the lesson that I learned is that if you are a lesbian, chances are you still are for the duration of your life after you come out. And also there are some okay straight men out there. Wow.

Good to know. Did not see that one come in after Caitlin's story, but you know, we really built from the bottom and then Jacque sort of, you sort of upped the estimation for us. And then you really drove it home. You drove that bus. You drove that bus home. You drove this straight bus home.

I drove the straight bus home. Well, I gotta tell you folks, I did not in a million years think I would come out of this episode thinking better of Straight Men as a whole. But that's why I love this show. It's always surprising me. Bad Dates. This was such a great one. Caitlin, tell the people where they can find you, what you're doing these days. What do you want them to know?

You can find me on Instagram at hiCaitlinreilly or TikTok if you're still doing that, because I'm not, at it'skatelinhello. You can watch Dead Boy Detectives on Netflix. She's right. And thanks. And watch In the Know on Peacock. Love it. Okay, Jockeys, same question.

Yeah, you can find me at joc Neil on Instagram I don't really tweet anymore But if you guys want to see a tweet that I make every six to eight weeks, you can follow me on there And right now I'm kind of my live show Era I got a couple shows that I'm taking on tour around the city So follow me around the country. So follow me on Instagram and see where I'm gonna be at. Amazing, and finally Jen. You can follow me on Instagram at Hank Tina

and check out Mr. Throwback on Peacock, is a new show that I'm in. Love, excited. It's really super fun. And yeah, I'll just be around LA doing standups. So if you just follow my Instagram, you'll see that too. Amazing. You guys, this is such a good one. I had such a blast today. Learned a lot. You're all stars. And that's been another episode of Bad Dates. Once again, if you love this episode, please give us a rating, a review on iTunes or Spotify or

wherever you listen to the podcast right now. It brings more people to the show so they can hear funny stories like the one you just listened to. And again, the email address is baddatepod.gmail.com. We love to hear from you. Questions, comments, concerns, stories, judgments, whatever you need. I am here. And me, I'm Joel Kim Booster and I can't wait to, whatever you need, I am here. And me, I'm Joel Kim Booster, and I can't wait to talk to you next week.

Bye bye. Bad Dates is a production of Smartless Media, created by Robert Cohen. Executive producers are Robert Cohen and Stuart Bailey. Produced, edited, and engineered by Devon Torrey-Brien. Produced by Anne Harris. Edited by Kyle McGrath. Associate producer is Maddie McCann. Social media producer is Tommy Galgana. Executive producers are Sean Hayes, Will Arnett, and Jason Bateman.

Executive producers for Smartless Media are Richard Corson and Bernie Kaminsky. Music by Cushi and Eben Schleder. If you've had a bad date or would like our advice on any dating issues, please tell us about it at baddatespod at gmail.com or call us at 984-265-3283. That's 984-265-3283. That's all for this week. We will be back for more... Bad Dates.

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