Bad Dates with Jameela Jamil - Give It To Pinecone! (w/ Meghan and Ryan Trainor)

Episode Date: January 22, 2024

On this episode of Bad Dates, Jameela welcomes siblings, songwriters, and podcasters Meghan and Ryan Trainor to discuss their most iconic dating fiascos. Meghan’s first makeout becomes an unsettling form of takeout, Ryan does everything he can to save that Uber rating, and a listener letter recounts the strangest Christmas we’ve EVER heard. If you’ve had a bad date you’d like to tell us about, our number is 984-265-3283, and our email is [e-mail], we can’t wait to hear all about it.Meghan Trainor: Takin’ It Back (Deluxe Edition), Dear Future MamaRyan Trainor: Workin’ On It podcast with Meghan Trainor & Ryan TrainorSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

I've made no efforts to overcome my poo shame. Mine is so bad that I've now given it to my boyfriend. So whenever he's been on the toilet, like the beginning of our relationship, whenever he was on the toilet, where more than three minutes had gone by and it became clear that he was probably doing a shit, I would send him a picture of Jesus that said, Jesus knows what you're doing. Oh my God. That's not comfortable as I was. I didn't want to be the only one with like a discomfort. Oh my God.

Bad dates. Megan and Ryan. Hello, welcome to Bad Dates. How are you? Hello, I'm so good. Fantastic. Lovely to meet you. Thank you for having us. It's an honor.

Thanks for letting us be on here. We love you. I'm so happy that you're here and Megan, I'm a big fan of yours and every kind of message you've put out there in the world. And Ryan, you seem fine. Same with you. You're both great. And I really love having a brother and sister on this show together because we've had husbands

and wives so far, we've had partners, but this is a really special dynamic and quite unique in that some brothers and sisters don't want to hear about each other's dating lives, but you two have managed to sort of surpass that. I mean, has that ever been a weird subject for you guys, Ryan, especially you being the older brother? No, I think, like, no, he's fine. Um, he just doesn't really have a choice anymore at this point, especially he's, he lives with me in my house.

So he's going to hear it. He's going to see some things. He knows all about my anal fissures and my butthole. And we're very open and honest. Why? Why Megan? Because I'm an open book. So we grew up in Massachusetts and like my parents were like,

my mom never talked about anything and I hated that. I never got a sex talk. I never got. I feel like it was up to us to talk to each other. I never got a poop talk of like, you can poop in public. So I like poop shamed myself, sex shamed myself. Wait, wait, wait, wait, hold up. When you say poop in public, what do you mean?

I cannot do it. Even with like Poo-Poo-Ree, like we have Poo-Poo-Ree on deck. Do you mean like out in the middle of the road, Bridesmaid style? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Just checking, just checking. If I'm shopping at a mall, I will suck it into my body. And like I can't even go at the mall.

Like, you know what I mean? No, like even airports, like standard places where you just, you gotta go. School, I never once pooped in No, like even airports, like standard places, you just got to go. I never once pooped in school. I held that shit in all day, literally. So now I'm just like an open book talking about it. And I want my kids to know, like, you can poop in public places. You got this.

But you've got to be a bit more specific than that when you give that message just to be clear. Enjoy. You're going to they're going to really like fuck up at your potlays. Otherwise, right, right. Yeah, exactly. Yeah like fuck up at your coat lay otherwise. Right, right. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, I understand that. Yeah, go on.

We've always been close and like I feel like Megan's always been my wingman really. The best one ever. In the East Coast I feel like we, sexual stuff happened younger in our schools and I don't know, I feel like that sounds bad. Anyways, he was hooking up. He was hooking up. You was the cool, right? No, he was the cool popular older bro.

So obviously all my friends wanna hook up with him. And I was like, that's fine. I was like, fine with it. I was like, here I'll be your wingman. Cause I thought like maybe he'll think I'm cool and wanna hang out with me and be my friends. What is the age difference? Where'd you see your part?

A year and five years. Oh right, okay, okay. So all my friends are twins. Yeah, yeah, exactly. But Ryan, if you're allowed to answer for yourself now, do you have you ever felt like a kind of protectiveness over Megan, being your baby sister, like especially with dating, like boys coming round the house?

Yeah, I just never wanted her to, I'd never wanted her to feel like too uncomfortable, but I would be secretly protective. Like my friends knew not to, even though Megan would have crushes on my friends. But unfortunately- There was like a law that was like, oh, your trainer sits, you can't do enough.

Unspoken. Unspoken. That's such a double standard. Her friends are allowed to hook up with you, but not the other way around. Oh yeah, Megan still hovering. Some resentment. I would never like say no, don't ever do that.

In fact, there was one moment where I was telling my buddy, I was like, come on, it's New Year's Eve, give her a smooch. He's like, I could never do that. I could never do that to you, bro. Like, it's your sister, it's weird. I'm like, no, dude, we're adults. That was like after college. I was like first year being famous.

I had my extensions and I've never felt prettier. We went to Vegas. I was like, I'm gonna get a fucking kiss. And it was New Year's Eve. It was only me and all his guy friends. Not one of them. Not one of them wanted to kiss me. And I was like, we were drunk in the bath tub.

I think it made it worse that Ryan was sort of pimping you out at that point. I think that's why we had to turn someone off. I was drunk and sad. I was sitting in the bathtub, there was no water. We were all fully clothed and I was in the bathroom with him and I was like, bro, what's wrong with me? No one wants to kiss me.

And he's like, I don't know. I tried to tell them that it's okay. And they just didn't. I'm like a scary pop star. Like it's scary, you're scary. I don't know what to tell you. It's not your fault. You're just, you're so like, you got your own money, you have a big, a scary pop star. Like it's scary, you're scary. I don't know what to tell you. It's not your fault. You're just, you're so like, you got your own money.

You have a career like that scares a lot of guys. I'm going to be honest. I just, it was a situation at the time. And then now she has Carol. Exactly. I found my hero. It was all worth it. You didn't need that kiss.

Yeah, I didn't need that kiss. I kissed my bestie instead. Yeah. As you should. I was thinking, so wait. So when you got into your relationship that you're in now, obviously we know from, you know, from a lot of toilet talk that we've heard, that you guys for a while shared a toilet, you no longer share a, is in like you had two toilets next to each other in the bathroom, that's no longer the case or it is still the case? Oh, it's forever the case.

Okay, so that is remarkable. That is remarkable progress from being someone who was terrified of shitting in public places. So I am, I'll never do that, but I'm very proud of you because I've not over. We don't, we still don't fart in front of each other. So I don't know. I don't know if I've spoken about it on this podcast before. We've never farted in front of each other, at least not all awake. You've got to fart! Does your tummy hurt? Constantly. But we have to. But we leave the room to fart.

So we go on to like, we refer to them as thoughts. We're like, I've just got to go outside and think about something for a second on the balcony. Bitch, no! So we refer to farts and I have thoughts. And like, one time, one of my favorite things James ever said and he's going to hate, I'm saying this, and I'm probably going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, about something for a second in the balcony. And so we refer to parts of our thoughts and like one time, one of my favorite things James ever said and he's gonna hate that.

I'm saying this on a podcast, but he was like, you need to leave the room right now. And I was like, why? He was like, cause I'm worried that this thought has turned into a memory. Oh my God. I love this actually. This is my favorite way to do this.

That's such a songwriter move right there. Megan, what would you say it was like to date you? Like, what's the experience like if you could just pitch it to me? I'm a fun time, I think. I'll make you laugh. She's like a bro, dude. Oh, just a bro. She'll just crack jokes. She'll burp. I don't know why you're afraid.

She doesn't want to fart, but she'll burp all day. Cracks jokes. Complains about the food. Probably wants better food. I also like hook up early because I wanna know if it's worth my time. You gotta see, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You gotta see what's going on.

You try before you buy. Yeah, I don't like wait three months and then do it. I'm like night one, sometimes with Darrell's night one and then I was like, we should do this again, you know? Then I knew like, and I could tell by a kiss if they're good, you know, I don't know. So therefore, if you're saying that you're a good time, did you have a good time? Not everyone loves dating. Did you enjoy it? Sounds like you enjoyed yourself.

I had like under a handful, I think of like, this is my boyfriend. One of them I did it for two years, like my high school sweetheart, you know, that was my first only other real relationship. And then my only other longer one was my husband, you know, everyone else was first only other real relationship. And then my only other longer one was my husband, you know, everyone else was like a fling thing that I knew would end or lawyer or just like a hookup buddy, you know. And I a lot of it was never done that before. I didn't want to hook up buddy, they just didn't want to commit to me. And I was like, he'll do it someday. And he never. And yeah, a lot of it too was because when I got,

I feel like when I got famous and started feeling beautiful and started feeling confident, no one talked to me, you know? Like not a single soul was brave enough to talk to me. But he would go to the clubs and she's like, I fuck no one's talking to me at this table. Like what are we doing at this table? I was like, I mean, this is what you do. You're a star, you get a table. She's like, bring me to the dance floor.'s like, I fuck no one's talking to me at this table. Like what are we doing at this table? I was like, I mean, this is what you do. You're a star, you get a table.

She's like, bring me to the dance floor. Still around the dance floor. And then the problem is she's like, fuck, baby we're dating. I was like, you're right. I'll do a lap. Turn around. I'll do a lap.

I'm pretty sure. Ryan, how did you find dating? Like, you may not have had a girlfriend, but it doesn't mean you didn't catch dates. And it sounds like you had a bloody whale of a time when you went to the gym. Yeah loved I loved dating because I could go to All the best like clubs in LA so you know I would just find myself at nice guy often That that was like my go-to dating spot

He was a celebrity, you know I'm a for her and I'm Peter Frank a celebrity, you know? Bad Beats! I'm Effa Wuhersht. And I'm Peter Fragerpen. And in our new podcast, Legacy, we explore the lives of some of the biggest characters in history. This season, we delve into the life of Pablo Picasso. The ultimate giant of modern art. Everyone has heard of or seen of Picasso work. Or the Picasso brand on something.

But a man with a complicated, difficult, personal side too, that makes us look at his art in a different way. He was a genius, and he was very problematic. Follow Legacy Now wherever you get your podcasts. You can binge entire seasons of Legacy ad free on Amazon Music, or by subscribing to Wondery Plus on Apple Podcasts or the Wondery app. Hi, I'm Anna.

And I'm Emily. We're the hosts of Wondery's podcast Terribly Famous, a show where we bring you outrageous true stories about our most famous celebrities. Our latest season is all about the catwalk queen, Naomi Campbell. For years, Naomi had to fight to be treated fairly in an industry that was overwhelmingly white. That drive saw her break down barriers and reached the pinnacle of high fashion. But it also got her into some dangerous situations when it spilled over into an anger she couldn't control.

In our new season Naomi Campbell's model, we tell the story of how a young girl from South London became a trailblazing black icon, but had some very public falls, of how she stood up to the British tabloids and won, and the lengths she had to go to to be the first black woman in history to make the cover of French Vogue. But she risks losing it all when her explosive behavior lands her in court. Follow Terribly Famous wherever you listen to podcasts or listen early and ad-free on Wondery Plus on Apple Podcasts or the Wondery App.

MEDICAL MUSIC RADDATES! Megan, your story is called Dorito Burp. What happened? So this guy, like, it was, he was a year older. He was in their grade. That's why they knew he was a loser. They just knew it.

And he, um, he was like my first boyfriend ever. And I was like, wow, somebody likes me and they're an older guy. And he came over to my house and we haven't kissed yet. And he walked up, uh, he came over to my house and we haven't kissed yet, and he walked up, he walked closer to me, like flirting, and I was up against the wall literally, and he was like, can I kiss you? And he wanted that to be like the first moment,

our first kiss, and I got really nauseous, like I thought it was nerves, and I said, hold that thought. And then I ran to the bathroom and I threw up a bunch. And he came- Wait, why? Wait, wait, why? I don't know, I don't know bathroom and I threw up a bunch. And he came. Wait, why? Wait, wait, why? I don't know. I don't know.

So I was like, oh my god. Was that like a sort of caveman era fight or flight moment of this is I'm about to kiss a loser? I was like, yeah. I thought I was like, oh no, this is my first kiss. Kill me now. And I went and I started throwing up and I shut the door. And he came outside the other side of the door

and he was like, so you think I'm gross? And I was like, no, mom. And then my mom came to help me and then it turns out I had like the flu. I was truly ill. Like I was sick for the rest of the night but I didn't know I was sick and it hit me at that moment. And I was like, my life is a fucking rom-com

and this is like a terrible scene. But I thought, wow, this would be a great story to tell someday. So that same guy, later we finally get to like hang out and go to the movies and go on a real date. And we're finally gonna have that make out that he really wanted and it was gonna be my first make out ever and we're doing it and there's tongue.

He had a lot of tongue and I realized I hate tongue so much. And like spit. When people use it like it's a fist. Like it's a fist. I was like, ah, ah, ah, ah. Was it dry? Do you remember if it was dry? He kept like spitting in my mouth, honestly.

And I was like, oh, that's horrible. Someone once bit my chin during a kiss and that was like genuinely one of the most traumatic memories of my life. Yeah, Italian. Jesus. Love a good nibble. So we're kissing in the movie theater and I'm like, God, Italian. Ha ha ha, Jesus. Love a good, love a good nibble. So we're kissing in the movie theater and I'm like,

God, so I realize I hate tongue, I might hate guys, this is awful. And then he burps in my mouth. In the middle of the kiss. In the middle of the spitty kiss and I know that taste cause I love that flavor. And that is my red Doritos. And I was like.

So did you like it, Loki? I didn't like it. I just know. I said, did you just burp Doritos in my mouth? And he was like, yeah. And I was like, oh my god. Like he was proud of it. No, like he giggled like oopsies and I was like, you know in that burp.

It was a violent, disgusting burp. You felt that coming up and you did nothing. And that was my first. Yeah, you gotta switch up to like a neck cast purple ass. That was my first make out ever. Yeah, you have time. It's not like a soda burp. You have time when it comes from the gut,

when it comes from like your small intestine, you've got time, he's just a cunt. That's a fucker noo. So yeah, that's a fucker noo. And I should have known right then and there, leave him now. But yeah, I was like, God damn it, this was my first make out experience and it was so sad. Is there a flavor of food that we would be,

I wonder, is there anything that someone could burp into my chocolate? If it was gonna be anything, it was gonna be Doritos. I love Doritos, but then I couldn't eat them for like five years after that. Of course you couldn't. No. I was like, mm-hmm. Of course you couldn't. No. I was like, yeah.

A chocolate burp though. No burp, no other flavors in your mouth from someone's belly guts. I think it tastes good. It's very assidious. I think, like my husband, he said that he threw up pizza recently and was like, or as a kid he threw up pizza too and he was like, I liked it because it was like, mm, round two. And I was like, no a kid, he threw a pizza too. And he was like, I liked it because it was like, round two. And I was like, no, Darryl.

Well, I don't know about you, but I'm now wet. I was like, that's my man. And I'm sticking to him. Did he tell you this while you were on the toilet next to each other? We don't poop together. His boobs are vicious. We pee together all the time. That's fine.

I've misunderstood this whole time. This whole time since I saw those headlines. I feel like this is a good chance to like clear that up. Cause I feel like a lot of people only read headlines. We have no media training in our generation. Everyone thinks you have been shitting next to your husband this whole time. Yeah, they think we wipe each other's butt.

We don't. We sit because we have a baby. And when you, we're not violent, we're not vicious. We, we, we get up like every two hours to feed our kid, right? And we would pee at the same time because the boys, I don't know what's wrong with his bladder, but we would pee, always pee. And I'd be like, move. Like I have to pee and then breast fees to like get up. So at this new house, I have an extra toilet.

Like instead of that bidet that we won't use, probably pop in this other toilet and we sit and pee together all the time. I like, dream the morning when I get up, he'll come with me and we'll hold hands. And it's so lovely. In the morning when we pee together and I'll be like, what are you doing today?

You know? See they're gonna have pillow talk and piss talk. We have a a calendar in our bathroom and I'm like, well, what's great schedule, you know, oh, it's so weird. I love it. I love it so much. We'll be right back. And we're back. Okay.

So Ryan, tell me about the Instagram mobile. He calls them Instagram models because he shows me the picture and then they show up and I go, that's not her. I saw all the pictures. You got Catfish, my guy. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,

whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, really calfish like it pictures are wrong pretty just enhanced photographs okay but this yeah this one girl we would have like these kind of a date once in a while and I would always be like why did I never stick with this one what happened and then every time it was kind of messy and you know she hit me up to hang out again I go fine we'll have another day let's we'll go out to dinner we'll have fun loved the wine and dine at the time. But my thing with the wine and dine is I would drink heavily at these dinners. Like anyone who tried to hang out with Ryan would always come home

puking or would be like, oh, I fucked up. And I'm just kind of just chill. He's like fine. I start right away, double to kill on the rocks. That's kind of how I set the tone for the dinner. That's where we're at before we order anything. Okay. and then you know, you got to get a bottle of wine Maybe maybe two bottles of wine She's and then you got to go back to the tequila after the dinner for dessert. You gotta have dessert a little ice cream

Little more tequila and then we get back to I say my house, but it's Megan's house my house and um Can we get back to, I say my house, but it's Megan's house. My house. Sissy's house. Yeah, she just projectile vomits right at the doorway when we walk in, I go, what's happening? Good, good. So dinner fucked her up. And it just exited her body. Immediately I go, uh oh, good God.

Oh no, did you see that at the time? Were you up? I don't know. Now you cleaned that up. Was it like a South Park vomit where you just sort of like, I remember once walking up, running in Cunningham and just going like, you know, your mouth just barely opens and you just throw up down yourself or is it exorcist? No, it was a shit ton of throw. It was exorcist style. It was a mess. It was a mess that I immediately had to clean up. I go, oh my God, I'm so sorry.

Let's get you home. Let's get you are unwell. And I was like, let's just, we'll get you home. So. How did you transport her? Did we Uber everywhere, Uber everywhere? Oh my God, were you not so afraid of your rating? I would never let anyone. Like I have a friend who slams cars, car doors too hard

and I don't ever let her use my Uber. That is so great, because my rating goes down. I take that shit very seriously, all right? I do too, mine is still like a 4.8. He didn't have a choice. It was like, should she throw up at our house all night or get her the fuck home? Yeah, so, yeah, I just felt like,

she was embarrassed, which is understandable. So I'm like, yeah, you probably wanna be in your own bed, tucky, tucky, night, night, the day, it's over. So I get an Uber to go back to hers after I clean up the mess, because it's not my house. And I just go, it's okay, everything's all right. We're in the Uber ride and she's looking unwell. She's looking unwell and we're on the-

Is that why your Uber rating ratings only a 4.8? I mean, there, many things have happened in my time with Uber. I feel like I got to experience the beginning of Uber. Well, it sounds like you were a very charming drunk in that case. Yeah. I, well, I could be blackout drunk, but still like have my shit together. She puked an Uber. Um, she, yes, I was getting there.

She looked unwell in the Uber and she just, she's like, I'm not going to make it. I'm not going to, I was getting there. She's looked at him on the Uber and she just she's like I'm not gonna make it I'm not I was like, please hold it. Please hold it sir sir sir. We have to pull over. He's like I just can't I can't I can't on the highway sir sir quickly my friend I always say my friend to the Uber drivers other one my friend She's going to throw up in your car and she's she is Rolling down the window as she's rolling down the window. It's going it's going to throw up in your car. And she is rolling down the window. As she's rolling down the window, it's going. It's going everywhere.

It's all on the side of the door in the Uber. Oh, no. It's a goddamn mess. It's a goddamn mess. And we pull over. She's puking some more out of the car. And then I'm talking to the driver. I'm like, listen, I am so sorry.

Did not see this coming. She was totally fine before we got in this car. Lies. And I was like, let's just go to a gas station. I'll clean it up right now. So after she does her business, we head to a gas station. I'm buying all these cleaning products. That makes it sound like she then took a shit in the car.

No, no, no, no. I buy the cleaning products and I'm just like, I got this and I'm just cleaning it the best that I can. And he was appreciative of that. It was okay. And he was fine because the money's going up. This is a long experience. And then we get to her place and it's a really nice apartment complex. She's covered in puke, we're stumbling in, and she goes, fuck, I don't have my key. I go, what? Excuse me? I don't have my key.

I go, okay, let's just talk to someone that works here. It's just a security guard. He goes, what are you guys doing? I need to get to my room right now. He's like, wait, you don't have your key? No, you're not going up. She's covered in puke. We were disheveled. He's like, I don't care. key. No, you're not going up. She's covered in puke. We were disheveled

He's like, I don't care. She's like I have the penthouse My parents pay so much money. Let me up right now. Oh anything It's that kind of tone exactly she was just going I was like, please stop. Please stop. Please stop talking Please stop. Please stop. Let me try let me try just absolute mess So I'm like fuck the guy's not letting us up. I call my buddy tofu was living with us at the time Great guy. I'm like dude. You say your friend tofu Tof toph over Christopher called off

Good Boston boy, and I'm like yo, dude. I'm sorry to wake up. Any chance you see like keys on the glass table in the house? He's like, oh, yeah, I got him right here. OK, take another Uber back to the house. Why didn't we just get an Uber? No, because I didn't want to bug him. Toph is a prick. I think what we were wrong. No, no, no, no. We've learned anything today.

He's the one that, he found the keys. He got the keys. He's a good guy. Go all the way back to the house, get the keys, bring her back. She's still covered in puke. She almost is about to say something to the door and I go, don't you, don't you dare. Don't you dare. And then, yeah, we make, I send her, uh, apartment and I never see her again.

And this girl also puked up at, puked at our house, right? That was the beginning of the night. Another day by the pool. No, that was different. That was a different one. What, what's wrong with the food at your house, Megan? No, no, no, no, no, no, it's, it's the booze that the spell will consume. No, the booze. And then she was like, I want to do mushrooms too. Megan? No, no, no, no. It's the booze that this guy will consume. No, the booze.

And then she was like, I want to do mushrooms too. I was like, no you don't. She did mushrooms. And then that was just a whole nother one. Yeah, that was probably, that was the most. He had a crazy 20s. I had a good time. He did it, he did good.

He brought it for all of us. I think you showed, like, because you were drunk, right? As well, is this? Yes. I know it's quite a sobering experience. Sounds like you are genuinely like an incredibly decent person because every step of the way, you did the most chivalrous possible thing,

which while pissed, like it says a lot about you. I really feel like, you know, you learn everything about a person when they're absolutely wasted. I remember like the moment I knew that my flatmate Dave was like one of the greatest men I would ever meet in my life is when my whole life I've been too scared to open windows at night because I was terrified of bee would get in because I just feel like I have this like bee is in

my nemesis and they're like all out to get me and it's like conspiracy. It's a conspiracy like we have bee from like another life. I don't know what's going on. So I would never, ever crack my window but but in London, we don't have air conditioning. So we, and we have the hottest fucking summers. So one day I was like, fuck this, I can't live like this anymore. I'm going to just crack my window.

I crack it maybe five inches. I wake up at five AM and a pigeon, a ginormous pigeon has somehow managed to finesse its way into this tiny fucking like cracked window. It's almost worse. And it's cracked window. That's almost worse. And it's now flying. Way worse. Definitely worse.

It's now flying around my bedroom, my tiny bedroom. I'm freaking out, it's freaking out. It's flying low, like right into my face. And it's now shitting all over my bedroom. I'm panicking, I hate anything that flies. I run into my roommate Dave's bedroom. It's 5 a.m. He's only come home an hour before big drinker,

big, big drinker. Like, you get it, Ryan. Like, he had a similar 20s to you. And absolutely fucking shit-faced. He jumps out of bed and I'm like, you've got to get, you've got to help me. There's a fucking massive pigeon. It looks like an elephant with wings.

It's flying around my bedroom. And he just grabbed his duvet with both hands, like knocked me out the way, run into my room and somehow jumps and captures the pigeon and releases it out of the window, all while completely drunk, showing that he's not only incredibly stealth-like, but such a good dude to help me in the middle of the night.

Yeah, quick acting, ready to save the day, shit-faced. Like a hero at his core, and I feel like you've got that in you. The fact that while drunk, you washed the inside of an Uber that was covered in a woman's sick who you weren't in a loving relationship with is either what a good guy you were or how hopeful you were that you'd still get laid at the end of that night. No, no, no. Very concerned about my Uber rating. Very, very concerned. Highly concerned. I just did not want that rating to go down. Honestly, I would have had it. And it will be.

And it will be. I was sucked off the driver. Had that happened, I swear to God. I mean, if it was going to come down to that, I could not have it go lower than a four point half. Oh my goodness. All right, we'll be right back after this. Bad dates. I have a goat lower than a four point. Oh my goodness. All right, we'll be right back after this. And we're back. We asked our listeners to write in some of their bad date stories. And we got a really good one, especially for today. And so I'm going to read it to you guys, and I would love your thoughts, opinions and questions. So it begins. My name is Jessie. I live in Rhode Island and one Christmas, many years ago, I was dumped by my current girlfriend three days before the two of

us were going to drive up and visit my family in Vermont. She did it over text and I was so embarrassed I didn't immediately tell my family I was coming solo. Through a combination of nerves and sadness I went to a local pub and began getting hammered. When out of the corner of my drunk eye I swore I saw an elf. Immediate red flag. I checked again and yes there was an elf sitting at the other end of a bar. Having nothing to lose at this point and full of Dutch courage I slid over to the magical creature and discovered it was actually a very nice young lady in an elf costume. She had just

been fired from her job working with the department store Santa and was also looking for some liquid escape. I asked her her name and she said my real name or my elf name and I said your elf name and she said Pinecone. I loved it and I loved how cute she was saying it and we agreed to share our evening. But as the night wore on, a more and more empty glass has littered the bar in front of us. It was closing time and the bartender kicked us out. So there were me and Pinecone standing outside a freezing winter's night bar wondering what's next. She smiled and pointed toward the parking lot where a white van waited, written on the side with the words Vistavilla Senior Centre. She drunkenly explained that she also entertained at the

senior home around the holidays when she's done at the mall, which was so sweet. And then began dragging me towards the van with a devilish look in her eye. One thing led to another and in moments we were both naked in the back of the van. It was very dark and she suggested that she keep her elf ears on so it would be easier for me to find her. Kinky, but no problem. Things heated up immediately and then got kind of weird. The wilder we got, the louder she kept yelling, give it a pinecone, give it a pinecone. No! No! Then she started yelling, oh no! I think Christmas is coming! No! I'm like this woman, okay?

She sounds like a fucking riot. Then screamed louder and louder and louder. She forced my hands to grab onto her elf ears. So I started yelling stupid things like, I'm about to unwrap my presents! And I'm raising up the North Pole! It was a frenzy of dumb sayings and genuine sexual wildness. The big moment finally happened

and we collapsed onto the floor of the van, spent and we hugged each other until the applause started. Quietly at first, then louder and louder from multiple sources. I leapt up and looked around and my horror saw three very old people sitting in the front seat, clapping and hooting and hollering. Panicking, I asked Pinecone what the hell was going on and she told me very casually that they were from Vista Villa and also had nowhere

to go tonight so she brought them out for some fun. I screamed at her as I gathered my clothes. Are you fucking crazy? What sort of sick person dresses as an elf and gets drunk in a bar while they leave three seniors alone outside in a freezing van? And she yells back, stop yelling! They all have bad hearts! I was so overwhelmed I just started laughing and walked through the snow, nude, my clothes in a ball, got in my car and drove home. And the last thing I saw wasn't Santa's sleigh in the sky, but a nude elf and three old people all flipping me off yelling, thanks for ruining Christmas, Ardell. What?

That's a movie. We have to mention that movie. Yeah, I was gonna say this, guys. Jason Seigel's in it, Natalie Portman's the elf. It's clear. Oh my God. My life is so fucking boring. I do.

Pine. Yeah, you think you had problems with your fucking Dorito, but what about Pinecone? Yeah, Pinecone. But this guy should be like a writer, like, should write fictional stories for a living. That was so well written. I was just along for that ride the entire time. It's real, dawg. It's real?

It's a real thing, I think. How the fuck do you go into a van and not see anybody in the van? How could you? Because he's working at her. That's why she kept the ears on, because it was so dark in there. It's dark outside. There's no lights in my parking garages, which is why women are always terrified when we go to our cars.

Like, it's pitch black. They're sitting in there. What I do think, I believe it. Like, one thing I do think is that, like, I feel like there's something we call dogging in England. Have you got this in America where so two people will park up in a park or like a kind of view point and they'll fuck each other in the car. And other people know they're going to be there and other people watch them shagging in their car. No, you had me on the first bar.

I was like, yeah, sure people park there there. No, no, no. So other people watch and they masturbate like sort of around the car watching people shag. It's a thing. And you know what? That's what happens when you allow people to be very repressed. They go and do stuff like that. Got you, got you. It comes out underneath.

But I think that this was a bit of a like, this was a pine cone maybe like dogging situation. You know what I mean? Like maybe she took, I think she went in there on her own to lure some guy in to fuck them in front of these very old people. And I like it. Okay, this makes sense.

Yeah, I'm into it. I don't, what I don't like is that she didn't tell him first. That's fucked up. Oh, there has to be an understanding like, hey, you need consent for an audience. Yeah, you can't be like gladiator, you know, are you not entertained? Like that's not okay.

Yeah, okay, okay. I do love the improv, the improv skills from both people to keep going with the Christmas Eve sex. I would have snotted. I would have died laughing. I would have died laughing and like snotted on him, like just laughing too hard. No fucking way.

But yeah, it works. It works for me. One of my favorite movies is Bad Santa. And that's kind of like what was on the story. It was his daughter? Yeah. Clearly. Yeah.

That's his daughter. I also love the fact that they, all these old people flipping him off at the end. What an amazing end to his naked. Yeah, it's based on ruining Christmas. Oh, so good. Well, thank you very much to that excellent writer of a listener. We really appreciate you. Such a good writer. Such a great story. I'm going to be thinking about that all day. Jesse, Jesse's a legend.

Yeah. Yeah. Jesse, we're obsessed with you. And you two have been such a joy. It was so, it's always so fun to have people who know each other so well on this show, cause then I feel like no one can, no one can bullshit me. You know, no one could give me like a hard sell. I feel like I really got to know the two of you. And I think you have an incredibly refreshing relationship.

It was really nice to witness it. Aww, I love you Megan, look at us. I love you, you guys. Do you have any words of wisdom about dating that you would like to impart to our listeners? You could take a second to think about it. A lot of, I'm like immediately. My dad and everyone else too, I was always looking for love.

I was like looking for love. I was like, where's my husband at like a young age, like 22? I was like, where is he? I don't get it. And they would all tell me as soon as you stop caring and stop trying so hard to find him, he'll appear in your life. And that's not true for me. I manifested that motherfuckin' till I found him. I wrote songs for him.

Damn future husband. I was talking to him and that worked. She did a seance. I did a seance. No, I, but I, I think it's okay if you manifest and you ask the universe, please, I want, I'm ready for the love of my life because it worked for me. So never give up on your love dreams. That's lovely. Period.

All right. Well done. Um, okay. What do I got? Also, don't waste your time with red flags. All right. Well done. Okay, what do I got? Also, don't waste your time with red flags. Fucking get out of there. Stop eating the Dorito burp and going on another date. Yeah, that's good. Okay, he became your boyfriend, didn't he?

Yeah, whatever. I didn't have any attention or love. I tried to tell. I just was so upset with Megan. She had low self-esteem and I thought she was a superstar. Low standards. It's okay. But incredible taste buds.

I did the same shit. Megan and Ryan, you guys have been great. So nice to meet you guys. But yeah. Well, you never know. This was the most fun. Yes. Thank you so much for letting us be on your podcast, your show.

We love you. We worship you. You're so sweet. And congrats on everything. Bye guys. Bye. Megan Trainor has released the deluxe version of her album Taking It Back with the lead single Mother and her new book as Dear Future Mama.

Together, Ryan and Megan host the podcast Working on It. Bad Dates is produced by Smartless Media and Wondery. Created by Robert Cohen. Executive producers are Robert Cohen and Jamila Jamil. That's me. Produced by Stuart Bailey. Produced engineered and edited by Devon Tori Bryant. Also engineered and editedila Jameel. That's me, produced by Stuart Bailey, produced, engineered and edited by Devon Torrey Bryant, also engineered and edited by Kyle McGraw.

Talent producer is Anne Harris, associate producer is Maddie McCann, music by Cushy and Evan Schletter. Executive producers are Will Arnett, Jason Bateman and Sean Hayes. Executive producers for SmartLess Media are Richard Cawson and Bernie Kaminski. If you've had a bad date and you'd like to tell us all about it, our number is 984-265-3283

and our email is baddatespod at gmail.com. We can't wait to hear all about it. That's all for this week. We will see you next time for more... Hello Prime members, you can listen to Bad Dates early and add free on Amazon Music. Download the Amazon Music app today. Or you can listen early and add free with Wondery Plus in Apple Podcasts. Before you go, tell us about yourself by completing a short survey at Wondery.com slash survey.