Bad Dates with Jameela Jamil - Habitual Flap Shifter (w/ Ian Lara, Kate Willett, and Nick Callas)

Episode Date: July 1, 2024

On a brand new episode of Bad Dates, guest host Marie Faustin welcomes comedians Ian Lara, Kate Willett, and Nick Callas to discuss their most iconic dating fiascos. Ian’s hookup gives him a painful squeeze and he alerts the council, Kate knows nobody goes to Burning Man with a Plan A but now she really needs a Plan B, and Nick’s date waits patiently while he’s scoffed at by a slippery Swede. If you’ve had a bad date you’d like to tell us about, our number is 984-265-3283, and our email is [e-mail], we can’t wait to hear all about it.Marie Faustin: @reeezy on social media, @whyare.yousingle on Insta for ticketsIan Lara: @ianlaralive on social media, ianlaralive.com for tickets, stand-up special Romantic ComedyKate Willett: @kate.willett on social media, new stand-up special LoopholesNick Callas: @mrnickcallas on social media, new stand-up special Wolf Pup out June 27See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Smart. Bless. Me. I think as a guy, if you don't like murder, you're like, it's like pretty good. It's like I feel like when I'm on dates, they're like, oh, you you're like not a murderer. That's pretty nice. So if you're not that and you're like borderline, like you're like not a murderer. That's pretty nice. So if you're not that and you're like borderline, like you're like moderately respectful, I think that's like pretty good. Oh my God. The bar is hell. If you're not a murderer, you're a good guy. That's pretty, yeah, it's pretty solid. That's a good way, place to like start. Hi guys and welcome to Bad Dates, the show where I talk to funny people about bad dates.

Today we got some really really funny people here. Let's introduce the voices that you've heard. Are you guys ready? I'm ready. Okay. Up first, we have a comedian who's appeared on The Tonight Show and Comedy Central, and his special romantic comedy is currently streaming on Max. It's Ian Lara. Hi, Ian. Hey, Marie. Thank you for having me. Yes. And then we have Kate Willett, a comic actress and writer who's appeared on The Late

Show with Stephen Colbert and Netflix's comedy lineup. Hey, Kate. Hey, nice to see you. And finally, Nick Callis, actor, comic, and you've seen him on Comedy Central and recently made his first special, Wolf Pup. Hey, Nick. Hey. Have you guys ever been on a sitting in a car date?

Oh, yeah. Yeah, that's- Oh yeah. I think that's most of them in high school. Yeah, that was like, you couldn't go nowhere. Yeah, I lost my virginity that way. In a car? Well, yeah. What kind of car was it?

I want to say it was a Toyota Camry. That's spacious. Like an 80s Toyota Camry, like a Burgen G model. Yeah. They're very reliable, that's good. Reliable, yes. Like an 80s Toyota Camry, like a burgundy model. They're very reliable, that's good. Reliable, yes. And can all pass. To me it was my high school boyfriend,

it wasn't a rando. We were looking forward to it together, we had been together for a while. We were ready to take that step in the Camry. It was very, very, very bad. It was like maybe a 60 to 90 second long attempt. Oh, yeah. OK. Wait until 16 is very responsible.

That's like it's like the Toyota Camry. Like it's as as responsible as the Camry. It's like a good move. It's like a very safe way to live. It's that irresponsible. It's still 16. Yeah, I lost it on my 18th birthday. That's pretty good.

Yeah, I lost it on Christmas day. Oh, okay. Wait, how old were you? On Jesus's birthday. 17, yeah. Okay. Okay. That's late for like a guy.

Yeah, 16, 17, 18. Nick, how old were you when you lost yours? I was 18 too. Kate, you were the youngest. I heard 16. I don't know if this is still true, but when I was growing up, I think I remember reading that 16 was the average for women

and that 18 was the average for men. So I think that's why I decided to make that decision. 18 is the average for which men? None of the men I know. I know. Wait, that they're later or earlier? Earlier. Earlier. the average for which men? None of the men I know. I know. Wait, that they're later or earlier? Earlier. Earlier. Maybe you just know some slutty men. Em, what do you look for in a globally massive pop star? Oh, I want sensationally inappropriate outfits, incredible glamour and an almost unapproachable cool.

Well, for the latest series of Terribly Famous, would you settle for some plaid shirts, ginger hair, and an acoustic guitar? No, no I won't. What if there's a loop pedal? All right, keep talking. That is actually it. Well, it just sounds a bit ordinary.

Emily, this is Ed Sheeran. You really won't believe the twists and turns his story takes. Okay, fine. Sell me Ed. Addiction, shame spirals, family interventions, grief, massive court cases, obsession. Okay, okay. I'm listening. Ed mapped out his whole career when he was just a teenager and he has followed that path to some very strange places. How strange?

Jennifer Aniston's son, Langer. Just an ordinary guy. Follow terribly famous wherever you listen to podcasts or listen early and ad free on Wandery Plus on Apple podcasts or the Wandery app. I'm Mike Bubbins. I'm Ellis James. And I'm Steph Guerrero. And we're convinced that our podcast The Socially Distanced Sports Bar, is going to be your new favourite comedy podcast with just a little bit of sport thrown in. You don't have to love sport, like sport or even know anything about sport to listen.

Because nobody has conversations which stay on topic and it's the same on our podcast. We might start off talking about ice hockey but end up discussing, I don't know, 1980s British sitcom Alo Alo instead. Imagine if there were nuance in your pitch for Alo Alo. He's not cheating on his wife, he's French. It's a different culture. If you like me and Mammoth, or you like Alice in Fantasy Football League, then you'll love our podcast. Follow the Socially Distant Sports Bar wherever you get your podcasts.

The Socially Distant Sports Bar, it's not about asymmetrical overloads. James, podcasting from his study, and you have to say that's magnificent. Ian, let's get into your story. What's the bad date that you want to talk to us about today? This date, it's, it's, it's, it happens. It was on the road. I was on the road. I was like 25 years old.

I was in Minnesota. I did a show at the comedy club and this comedy club was in the mall. So the hotel where you stayed in was actually like right next, you didn't have to go outside, you can just do everything in the Mall of America. And I did a show and after the first show, this was like first show Saturday night, I meet a girl like in a meet and greet and she was there with like her friend and we start talking and we kind of hit it off and she's like, hey, what are you doing after?

And I was like, I have another show. She was like, what are you doing after the show? And I was like, uh, I don't have any plans. You know, I'm just, I'm kind of staying in a hotel. I haven't been outside. It was like negative 30 degrees. And she was like, well, there's a place that stays open to like four in the morning, this is Mexican restaurant.

She was like, if you're, if you're down, we can just like go hang out or go eat at the Mexican restaurant stays open to four in the morning in the mall. So I was like, yeah, okay, I'll do it. Okay, so she had a plan. She showed up. She was from out of town too. Oh, but she knew about the Mexican place? Yeah, but she knew about the Mexican place.

I think, yeah, I didn't ask. I was 25, you know, he's going with it. So I do the second show, she leaves, she comes back after the second show, and she's like, hey, are you still down to go to the Mexican place? And I'm like, yeah, I'm not doing anything. It's not just me, also it's her and her friend.

They seem like professional people. I'm like, worst case scenario, I could just leave. I'm right here, I don't gotta go outside. So we go to the Mexican place, and at that point, I was was like a pretty, you know, I think I would say like I was like an average drinker, but they start pounding shots, like pounding. Yeah, yeah, like tequila next round, tequila next round, tequila.

End of the night, her friend is ready to go. Like they're both, they traveled from like two hours out of town. So a friend, they're staying at a hotel like across the street and it's negative 30 degrees. So her friend is like, Hey, I'm just going to call an Uber. You guys can do whatever you guys want. So we're like, okay, we'll walk you to like the front. We walk into the front. She gets an Uber, she leaves. The girl is now she's like, Oh, so what do you, she's like, so what do you want to do? I'm like, it's four in the morning, there's nothing,

you know, like my hotel is right here, there's nothing, but she was like, do you have like more alcohol in your room? And I'm like, well, I mean, there's a mini bar or whatever. She wants to keep drinking, but I'm like. How old are these girls? Like younger, older? The older one was like, she was like in her late 30s

and a mom. So I get her wanting to party as hard as she can for like 45 minutes and then go home. Yeah. She's going to go home and wasted taking care of her kids. She's like, woo, let's party. Yeah, that's how moms do. Well, yeah, cause once you, once a mom gets outside,

they don't want to go back inside. Right, right. And they have to like really take advantage of the free time. So they're like, I have to do, Once a mom gets outside, they don't want to go back inside. No. Right. And they have to like really take advantage of the free time. So they're like, I have to do. So she hit it like really hard for like 90 minutes. And then she was done. And then she was like, I gotta go.

Gotta go relieve the babysitter. Yeah. So she left. So the girl, she comes back to my room. She starts drinking. Like she takes like, and this was like a nice hotel at the time. She takes like the most expensive bottle of like tequila off the thing and just starts drinking like just starts downing it, right?

And I'm trying to like, I'm trying to go with her, but it's hard. You know, I'm 25. I'm not really a big guy, you know? I can't be downing that expensive hotel tequila. We were just talking for like a little while. It gets late. It's like five thirty in the morning. By now, we start like making out, just kissing in the hotel room. I remember this part like this is when like I came back to life. I woke up. I remember as we're kissing out of nowhere.

And I want to preface this completely unprovoked. This was not a request that I had. This is not a kink that I have. This came completely out of nowhere, and I want to preface this, completely unprovoked, this was not a request that I had, this is not a kink that I have, this came completely out of nowhere. Okay, tell us! She grabs me by my head, like she grabs the back of my head, like as we're kissing, she's like holding my head, like intensely, and I'm like, okay, what is this?

All right, and then she takes her thumbs and just starts pushing them into my eyeballs. Like she just starts squeezing in my eyeballs. Like, oh, my God. Yeah. As intense. I mean, I've never done that. I'm not like I'm not into really like I play, but this is as intense. Is that even a thing?

I've never heard of that. Apparently we'll get to that. This is as intense of a thing as I've ever felt in my eyes. In my mind, I'm like, she was, she was, she was a white girl from Minnesota. So in my head, I'm like, don't make it a big deal. Maybe this is just something that they do out here. This is something that they do. Yeah, you're from New York. You're a foreigner. It's probably're from New York. You're a foreigner.

It's probably just ain't reached Queens and Brooklyn yet. You know, maybe it's like a thing that's coming. So I don't stop her. I continue. We are like, you don't say, oh, you don't say nothing. You don't you don't break her hold. Nothing. And this is like as far as I remember, it was a painful.

Squeeze. Oh, but I'm just like, as far as I remember, it was a painful squeeze. Oh. But I'm just like, I'm also drunk, and I have that. I have like drunk bravery. Mm-hmm. So we end up hooking up. She continues to gouge my eyes for the rest of the night. I remember being in a lot of pain,

but she gouges my eyes, and then she calls an Uber and leaves. Leaves out of my life. Oh my God. Yeah, I go to sleep. So weird. In the morning, I wake up with intense pain in my eyes. I'm like, this is really painful. She tried to re-trial you, Ian.

Yeah, I'm like, this is really painful. I go look in the mirror, my eyes are bloodshot red. Side note of the story, I had just gotten LASIK surgery three months prior. Shut up! Oh my God. Not LASIK. I am not making this up. LASIK surgery three months prior.

She shifted your little flaps. Right, right. She's a habitual flap shifter. I text my most fuck boyfriend, cause everyone got a guy that, if there's like a new thing going around, he's heard of it. Like, this is, yeah, this is my guy who's,

he's hooked up internationally. I mean, he's like, he's like 6'4", with a hairline. Like, he's doing it. He's doing it all over the world. He's been everywhere, like, and hooked up everywhere. I text him, I'm like, bro, can I call you? He's like, literally, like it's a movie. He's like, yeah, I'm leaving this girl's crib right now.

Just give me a couple minutes. So he hits me up, he's like, all right, call me. I call him, I'm like, bro, this happened to me yesterday. Have you ever heard of this? Have you, like, I know you've experienced a lot. Have you ever been in a situation? Have you heard of this? He's like, no, I've never heard of the eye gouging story.

He's like, I'll do some research with my fuck boyfriends. He said, I'm gonna talk to the council of fuck boys. Yeah, yeah, he's like, I'll put it in the group chat, but I don't think that this is a thing, bro. Wait, so you wake up, your eyes are falling out of your face. Correct. You had Lasik that's probably just like starting to really.

Not fully healed yet. Yeah. You don't call a doctor, you call a fuck boy? Well, this is my first step. Before I went to the doctor, I wanted to have my story straight. I didn't want to just go to a doctor and the doctor was like,

wow, you can't just take a little eye gouging. That's like normal. So that's why I went to the fuck boy first. Who is your doctor that they would say that to you? Also, I'm in Minnesota, so it's not like I have a local doctor. You can. So listen, when I got my get to it, let me get, I feel like you're doing it wrong. No, I had to do it. So I hang up my friend.

He puts it in the group chat. He's like, yo, I put it up at the Fuckboy Council, no one knows what you're talking about. I'm like, I'm gonna have to go see a doctor. Luckily, I'm in the Mall of America, which has everything. So I Google, is there a LASIK doctor in the Mall of America? Turns out, there is, I can just walk over. I put on shades, I walk over to the LASIK doctor and she's able to squeeze me in for

a consultation. No pun intended, squeeze. Of course, just like a movie. Yeah, exactly. Just like a movie, it's like the hottest doctor I've ever seen. Like the hottest doctor comes out and she's like, yeah, how did this happen to you? And I'm like, look, this is very embarrassing, but this is what happened.

I met this girl yesterday. She started getting into my eyes. She's trying to be professional, but I could see the smirk behind her thing, where she can't help but laugh. She's like, look, you shouldn't do this. I'm like, I promise you I don't. I know you probably get people that come in here

all the time and they tell you the same story. Like this is the first time it happened, but I promise you I don't I know you probably get people that come in here all the time and they tell you the same story like this The first time it happened, but I promise you I don't do this. This is just what happens to me Keep it short. She ends up prescribing medication. I have to get back on steroids. I get back to New York I got to see my LASIK doctor. She ends up messing up something with the surgery a couple months go by I had to get LASIK surgery again. So I had two Lasix off this date. Two Lasix surgeries. Okay, two Lasix, but how many orgasms? One and a half.

One and a possible. You're gonna solve a crime one day. There's gonna be some eyeless dude walking out of an apartment, goes to the police, they can't find her, and you're gonna be like, I got you. I know this girl. Yeah, I know the police, I can't find her, and you're gonna be like, I got you? I know this girl. Yeah, I know this girl.

I know this girl. How hot was she that you were like, yeah, I don't need to be able to see after this? Listen, I'm not a superficial person. I believe it's more important, a person's character is more important. But to answer your question, she was not that hot. That's probably why he didn't want you to see.

She was like, don't look at me. Hello, I'm Alice Levine and I'm Matt Ford. And we're the hosts of Wanderers podcast British Scandal, where we tell you outrageous tales of how the mighty have fallen on these pleasant pastures. In our latest series we're donning the tennis whites and downing the Pims for a Wimbledon themed scandal. Yes, we're telling the story of Boris Becker. How he went from being a tennis child star Wimbledon champion to having a one-night stand in a London bar that turned into a headline-grabbing paternity row. And then tax evasion that saw him behind bars just a couple of miles from Wimbledon Centre Court.

So if you need something just a little juicier than the current rolling coverage of aces and juices and people queuing for things, then this might just be for you. To find out the full story, follow British Scandal wherever you listen to podcasts or listen early and ad-free on Wonderyery Plus on Apple podcasts or the Wondery app. I'm Afua Hirsch. I'm Peter Frankenpann. And in our series Legacy we look at the lives of some of the most famous people to have ever lived and ask if they have the reputation they deserve. In this series, we look at J Edgar Hoover. He was the director of the FBI for half a century.

An immensely powerful political figure, he was said to know everything about everyone. He held the ear of eight presidents and terrified them all. When asked why he didn't fire Hoover, JFK replied, you don't fire God. From chasing gangsters to pursuing communists to relentlessly persecuting Dr. Martin Luther King and civil rights activists, Hoover's dirty tricks tactics have been endlessly echoed in the years since his death.

And his political playbook still shapes American politics today. Follow Legacy Now wherever you listen to podcasts. Kate, let's talk about your bad date. What happened to you, sis? Walk us through this journey. So I feel like date is kind of a loose term for what happened, but let's call it a date. So I went, this was a while ago, this was probably 10 years ago at this point. I went to the Burning Man festival in Nevada.

You wanted all those white people? I was at a time. I was at a time, I was at a time. I lived in the Bay Area and it's kind of like this thing that just a lot of people end up going to. And it was a bit before it became totally subsumed by weird tech guys. It was kind of like everyone I knew was going.

I had been sleeping with this guy that lived in the same art collective that I did. There was probably like 23 people that lived in the same art collective that I did. There was probably like 23 people that lived there and he was one of them. And we had the same chore night in the collective. So we started getting flirty and we started sleeping together. And it wasn't serious, but you know, we did live in the same house. So we saw each other a lot. He went to Burning Man with our house, we all went. And, you know, I wasn't in a committed relationship or anything, but once we got out on the playa,

maybe like the second or third night, I ran into him when we were out and we decided, like we were gonna have sex on at Burning Man, you know, just- Sex in the sand. Well, that's not so easy, right? Because so we were like, well, where can we do this? And then so we decided like, okay,

cause we're Burning Man, let's go to the Orgy tent. Let's experience that. Ooh, the Orgy tent. Yeah, so there is like an Orgy tent at Burning Man and we go there and there's a long line. Almost like it's a Disneyland attraction. And in the line is like all of these, like exactly what you think of like sex positive white person.

You know, like there's like a guy in like a utility kilt and like a lot of people who look like they've been to the Ren Fair again and again. And you know, just like. White people with dreadlocks. Yeah, probably especially in those days, I would say there was dreads. You know, and you know, it was just,

it was kind of like, it was a really long line. We go in there and it's the least sexy environment I've ever been in in my life. Like, it is just, it's like all of these like D and D 50 year olds, D and D like Dungeons and Dragons, you know, just like hardcore nerds, sex nerds. In the orgy tent? Yeah, yeah, in the orgy tent.

It's mostly people who are just hooking up with the person that they brought. There are some people that are kind of participating in an orgy. It's just very kind of straight for the most part, because I think the gays have their own orgy tent where everyone is a little hotter. Their orgy tent has abs.

Yeah, exactly. And so we decided to hook up and, you know, there's like all of these beds on the floor. It's a huge tent. When I say tent, I mean like massive tent. Like it's huge. There's probably 80 people in there. So it's a bunch of beds on the floor in this big ass not sexy tent. And are they changing sheets?

Y'all just jumped on somebody else in somebody else's juices? You have to bring your own towel, actually. Everybody has to bring their own towel. But I thought the towel was for after. So what are you laying on? Yeah, we're laying on the towel we're laying on the towel that we brought Yeah, we're laying on hold on when you say cuz I'm trying to picture it when you say there's a line The line is waiting to have sex. Yep. So people are like hurry up Yeah, you know kind of I would say yeah

I like you don't want to abuse the privilege of being in there for too long for sure. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. It's like, is it it's just mattresses? It's like Annie's. It's mattresses, like mattresses all over the floor.

And then they probably have like tapestries on the wall. This is like a FEMA tent, like a FEMA tent, like when when they when there's a natural disaster and they put everyone that's how it is. It's like have you ever been to like a like like maybe like a it's like a festival tent. Like if you go to like a festival and they'll have like a dance tent with like a DJ in it or something like that. Like a church revival tent. It sounds like you stepped on a landmine in like 1921. And so we started having sex. It was not sexy at all.

No. I was just like, let's get this. It didn't sound like it was gonna be. No, it was like, let's get this over with. It's more of those things where you're like, I wanna say that I did this. You know, like it was like how people fuck in airplane bathrooms where you're like,

you know, I just wanna join the Mile High Club high club is not necessarily about having the best sex. It's just like, Yeah, it's just, but never have I ever when that comes on, you could say you didn't. Exactly. Exactly. You know, but it's kind of distracting because there are all these like, you know, really sweaty weird people all around and it's just, it's kind of gross. So I'm just like, yeah, let's get to it.

And we, we have sex and then the sex is pretty short. You know, it's just, it's kind of gross. So I'm just like, yeah, let's get to it. And we have sex and then the sex is pretty short. You know, it's not, it's not great sex. There's a line, right. It's like being in a coffee shop where you're like, you know, like, okay, like, you know, you can't stay there and work all day. Like an hour is maybe reasonable. Honestly, realistically, I always leave Starbucks

right after I come. So I can see that. Yeah. Exactly. Yeah. But so then things kind of changed because the, when he pulls out of me, we noticed that the condom has broken.

Sure. And I kind of think it through and I realized that I am at the peak most fertile time of my cycle. Like I'm ovulating. Like this is like, you know how for women there's like probably a few day range where you can get pregnant? Like I'm definitely in that range and I'm just like, holy shit, because I have no way off the Playa. Like we're probably five hours, six hours, seven hours from civilization. I didn't drive myself.

And so I'm like, what am I gonna do? And then I'm like, okay, well, they probably have plan B, the emergency birth control at Burning Man. Like, doesn't that seem like something? Yeah, that seems like something they'd have, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, so I'm like, they'll have plan B at Burning Man. Burning Man isn't a place where many people have a plan A.

So let's, you know, like this is probably a thing that happens not to, not to. I mean, they have an orgy tent. They should have a plan B. Exactly. It's kind of responsible for them not to have at this point. It should be like, how you walk out of a theme park ride and then you go to the shop.

You can exit through a Plan B store. Yes. Right. Yeah, it should be. So I'm like, okay, well, you know, it's probably 4.30 in the morning by that point. So I decide to go back to my camp and he decides to go back to his camp and we're like,

we'll meet up and we'll deal with this in the morning. Cause you basically have like a three day window to take Plan B, but it definitely works a lot better if you take it within the first 24 hours. You've been here before. Actually, this was the only time, the only time I've ever taken plan B, but I knew about that.

I was like, you know, trying to go in armed with knowledge of sexual health and stuff. So I was like, we'll meet up in the morning. So I go back to my tent, sleep for a little bit. He goes back to his tent and sleeps for a little bit. And he's like, I'll come by your camp in the morning. And so then, you know, wake up, he's not there. He's not there.

He's not there. I decided to walk to his camp, which was maybe, I don't know, half an hour walk away, 30 minutes. I go there, he's hooking up with some other girl. I like walked in on them. I left. You go, you walk into, you unzip the door of his tent. No, he was hooking up in the center of the camp.

I did not. Oh. Yeah, he was hooking up in whatever was like the camp, like living room or whatever. Um, was hooking up. This guy bangs. Exactly. That's what I was saying.

Is this Ian's friend? Yeah, that's kind of this guy. It is the white guy with dreadlocks version of that friend. It's Ian. He's a monumental fuckboy. And so I'm like, OK, I guess this guy is going to be of no use, you know? And so I just was like, OK, I'm going to go to the medical tent by myself because they have like a medical tent.

And I was like, they'll probably have it there. So I go and it's a ton of people that have either, you know, like taken too much drugs or they've gotten like really dehydrated. And then I finally asked the nurse who, you know, is of course like, you know, purple hair, glitter, like they don't have. She hot too.

She's like, what? Yeah, exactly. And she's like, oh no, we don't, we don't have that. And I'm like, what do you mean? Like, how can you not have that? And she's like, yeah, you, exactly. And she's like, oh no, we don't have that. And I'm like, what do you mean? How can you not have that? And she's like, yeah, we don't carry that or whatever. So maybe you can check in with the doctor camp, right? So then I go there and they don't have it.

And they're like, maybe you could ask one of the Rangers. So then I'm starting to really panic by this point because I'm like, oh my God, like, what if I get pregnant with this like weird fuck boys baby, a burning baby, just a burning baby where it's just like just this horrible baby that like comes out of my womb with like crystals and shit or, you know, like, and I'm like, I don't even want, I don't even want to depend on this guy. If I have to have an abortion, I'm like, he's just going want to depend on this guy if I have to have an abortion. I'm like, he's just going to be such a flake about it.

Girl, he couldn't even meet you for Plan B. Plan B is like $53. Exactly. He definitely didn't have it. The price went down, but yeah. It went down. And so I go up to the ranger and I'm like, dude, do you know where I can get Plan B? I explained the situation and he's like, maybe you can get it at Camp Beaverton, the lesbian camp.

And I'm like, why would these lesbians have birth control? Why would they? They already figured out their birth control. Camp Beaverton? Yeah, Camp Beaverton. Famous lesbian camp at Burning Man. And I'm like, they have already they have a method of birth control with 100 percent success rate. They don't need us.

They don't need plan B. They have a great plan already for not getting pregnant. Yeah, plan A is good. But I go there anyway and I'm like, please, do you guys have anything? And they're like, why would you think that we did? And then so I'm just completely despondent at this point because I'm like, what am I gonna do?

I'm gonna be pregnant with this weird guy's horrible baby. And then I go to my own camp. I'm so sad and dejected at that point. But then there's this girl that I know from home, from the house that I live in, and she is tripping balls on acid, kinda coming on the downside. And I'm like explaining the situation to her.

And she's like, you know what? I can help you out. I have birth control. If you take eight to 10 regular birth control pills, then you will be, that's basically what Plan B is. It's a very high dose of birth control. And she's like, you know, just take mine.

I realized when I've been on this acid trip that I just want to sleep with women for the rest of the year. I don't want to have heterosexual sex. That is something I've come to on this acid trip. So here have this. And I'm like, okay, in my head, I'm like, am I really going to trust, eight, I don't know. I super don't want to get pregnant.

So I took like between 12 and 16. I felt incredibly sick. 12 and 16 birth control pills. Yes. I felt incredibly sick. I was really felt so bad for the rest of the trip. But it worked. I did not get pregnant. I came home. I ended up doing some standup comedy about it

that ended up going pretty viral. And now, kind of happy ending, I have heard from people who go to Burning Man still that Burning Man now does have plan B. Oh, thank God. You did that. You did that. Yeah, I think so.

Thank God. That's the end. And luckily I You did that. Yeah, I think so. Thank God. That's the end. And luckily I'm not a mom with this guy's weird little kid. Yeah. Wow, clap it up for not moms. Yeah. Yeah. Wow.

Bad Dates. Hey y'all, it's your girl Kiki Palmer, your favorite quadruple threat, actor, singer, dancer, and my new role, podcaster. My podcast, Baby This Is Kiki singer, dancer, and my new role, podcaster. My podcast, Baby This is Kiki Palmer, is blowin' up, y'all, cuz every episode I bring on an icon. Like, when John Stamos and I talked about internet trolls hating on Disney adults, or

when Jordan Peele explained why we love scary movies even though the world is already creepy as fuck. Tune in to learn a little and laugh a lot, cause your girl keeps it real. Listen on Wondery Plus. Join Wondery Plus in the Wondery app or on Apple podcasts. Payton, it's happening. We're finally being recognized for being very online. It's about damn time.

I mean, it's hard work being this opinionated. And correct. You're such a Leo. All the time. Yeah. So if you're looking for a home for your worst opinions. If you're a hater first and a lover of pop culture second, then join me, Hunter Harris, and me, Peyton Dix, the host

of Wanderys newest podcast, Let Me Say This. As beacons of truth and connoisseurs of mess, we are scouring the depths of the internet so you don't have to. We're obviously talking about the biggest gossip and celebrity news. Like it's not a question of if Drake got his body done, but when. You are so messy for that, but we will be giving you the b-sides, don't you worry. The deep cuts, the niche, the obscure. Like that one photo of Nicole Kidman after she finalized her divorce from Tom Cruise.

Mother. A mother to many. Follow Lemme Say This on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. Listen to episodes everywhere on May 22nd or you can listen ad free by joining Wondery Plus and the Wondery app on Apple Podcasts. Let's get into Nick's story. Nick, what you got for us? So in college, I was not part of a frat. I was a commuter student at NYU and I had a group of best friends that all lived in this one dorm. And each of these guys are in the frat.

At night, I was, I either had class or I was doing stand-up. So I wasn't really going out a lot. And I also was not much of a drinker. Now I haven't, I haven't had a drink in a decade. At the time I was in my college phase, you know, like doing whatever it took to feel cool and have a good time and make food taste even better. So my buddies are like, dude, like there's this big frat thing tonight. We're meeting up with the girls from the sorority at this bar. Like, you gotta come, you're gonna meet people.

Like, it's gonna be a good time. And I'm like, okay, all right, fine, I'll come. So I show up to this like mixer event at this bar. I'm like honorary frat guy. All the guys know me, so they're introducing me to people and it's whatever. And I'm drinking. So I start getting pretty drunk.

What are you drinking? Just beer in a shoe, basically. Just whatever cheap beer I'm being handed, it's probably warm. I'm like halfway sloshed at this point. And I start talking to this girl and her friend. And one of my buddies is with me from the frat too. And so it's kind of this wingman situation

where we're talking to them and then they're like, all right, well, like, you know, we're gonna get out of here. Do you guys wanna come back to our apartment and like, we'll hang out there. And I was like, okay, yeah, sure. And my buddy just ditches. He just starts talking to this other girl

from the sorority. The girls that we were talking to, little did I know at the time, were not from the college. They were just two random girls, but they were our age. They were like in their early 20s or whatever. So go back and the girl, the friend of the girl that I was talking to just kind of leaves. She gets home and she leaves.

She goes somewhere on the way, whatever. And so now it's me and the girl and we're hanging out in her bed. I'm just kind of like sitting on her bed, laying, talking with her. And I'm so nervous because I had not ever had a one night stand. I had never had like a hookup with a stranger, somebody I didn't know.

I was like completely ill equipped for it because I'm also so nervous. I'm drunk because I'm nervous to begin with. Everything I'm doing is in some attempt to make myself feel cool and like the doer. I just keep betting on myself to show up for myself as a manly man in the moment and just not being prepared for however that feels. I'm like at this girl's place. I've never been to the apartment of somebody I don't know to, you know, so it's like all uncomfortable.

So I'm laying on the bed with her and we start talking and it's like kind of flirty and we like kiss and then she's like, all right, like, you know, like let's do it. And I'm like, yes, absolutely. I wanted a yes. I'm so ready for that. And then I was like, I'm so nervous. I need to just go, can I go pee real quick? I'm gonna go pee.

And she's like, have at it champ. So I go to the bathroom and I opened the door to the bathroom and it's one of those bathrooms where there's like a we almost like you know those like hexagonal showers like standing showers of glass doors yeah like no bathtub just like straight-up shower and right when I open the door there's a girl who I later realized is her roommate and a guy, butt naked in the shower, water coming down on them, having sex standing.

Her back is to me and his head is on her shoulder. So they're standing having sex and she turns to see me. So her head is here looking at me like that, and then his head's right here looking at me. And again, I'm in this head space, I'm like, oh god, I don't know what to do. And then I open the door and I see that and I'm like, ha, oh my god, I'm so sorry. And I go to close the door and they start laughing hysterically. They're having a blast. Yeah, well, they having sex, so it's funny. Yeah. It's fun, yeah.

They weren't embarrassed at all. Like, this was not their first rodeo. They were probably kind of drunk too. I don't know. You know how good you have to be at sex to have shower sex drunk? I'll be honest with you. Well, you also have to be height compatible, I would say. I've thought about this many times.

He was taller than her by a lot. I don't know how it was happening. I don't know how it was happening. I don't know how it was happening. I think that maybe he was so blessed that he could come all the way down and then I don't know the physics of it. But she was enjoying. So they start laughing hysterically, like dying.

They're just like, oh my God, this is so funny. I can't believe you just opened the door. And I was like, ha ha god, this is so funny. I can't believe you just opened the door. We're so silly. I go to close the door and the girl goes, no, no, no, it's fine. Like come and pee. Like you have to pee. You can pee. Just come. Just come. Okay. It's given orgy tan. I was so shook to be honest with you that normally, especially now I'd so shook, to be honest with you, that normally, especially now, I'd be like, this is an uncomfortable situation. I don't like this.

I will use my legs to leave. At the time, college Nick was like, I was doing like backflips off of trash cans and climbing up scaffolding, like anything for a laugh, anything to like just impress the people I was around, and mostly myself. So I'm looking at these people and I'm going,

I can pee, I can obviously pee in front of these people and it'll be hilarious. And then I'll tell my friends and they'll be like, ha ha ha. So I'm standing in front of the toilet with my pants down and I'm trying to pee. I'm thinking about tsunamis and just whatever I can do. Warbles.

Just pee. Yeah. And at this point too, I'm thinking about tsunamis and just whatever I can do. Warbles. Just pee. Yeah. And at this point too, I'm not even, I have to piss so badly too. That's the ironic thing. I have to piss so goddamn badly and I just can't. It was like my thoughts had put some type of like plank of wood between my bladder and the tip of my penis.

It's so hard to go in those kinds of situations. I understand and I identify as a shy peer. Like if people can hear me, I can't pee. So if people are watching me and laughing, I know I can't pee. Yeah. Oh yeah, completely. So I'm standing there and mind you,

they haven't stopped laughing. Every second of this is getting better and better for them. So there's this cacophony of just heckling and chuckling and all that's just coming right at, and by the way, it's a New York City apartment. They're this close to me. They're right here. Like, oh my God.

Like, oh my God. Like, oh my God. Like, oh my God. Like, oh my God. Like, oh my God. Like, oh my God. Like, oh my God. Like, oh my God.

Like, oh my God. Like, oh my God. Like, oh my God. Like, oh my God. Like, oh my God. Like, oh my God. Like. Oh my God. They're having sex. Her, she's like this. She's like, oh my God, are you gonna be here or not? Where is your date? She's in her room, just chilling going like, oh, I wonder what that's like. So I'm like, for now, for now. So this is the moment of the story

where I realized that it was actually much weirder than I thought. Cause in my mind I'm like, oh, that's her boyfriend. They're a silly couple. She looks at me, she's looking at my dick. She's seeing that I can't pee, that I'm shook, that I'm nervous. I'm trying to play it off. And so she goes, oh, are you having a little stage fright?

Which was so mortifying. So mortifying, because I can't lie. I can't be like, oh no, I already peed. Or like, oh, I'm about to be like, there's nothing I can do. I'm just like, huh. Before I can even say anything, she starts going stage fright, stage fright, stage fright.

And I am, and I can't leave. I don't know why, but I can't leave. I don't know why, but I'm, I can't leave. I'm like, you have to pee, Nick. This is everything now. You are not a man if you don't pee in this toilet while these people have sex. This is it. So she's chanting stage fright.

And then the guy who at this point has just laughed, he hasn't said anything, reveals himself to be, I think like Scandinavian. Because he hears her say stage fright, doesn't know what it means, but sees that it embarrasses me, like sees that it really lands on me. So then he chimes in, she's going,

stage fright, stage fright. And then he starts going, staunsch frau, staunsch frau. It's like he doesn't know what she's saying, but he's trying to repeat it because he sees that it works. And then the girl that was in her bedroom waiting for me opens the door all the way and sees what's happening. So I'm in my head, I'm like, oh, thank God.

She's going to like rescue me from this embarrassing situation. She's not gonna know the details. She's gonna be like, oh my God, Marissa, you're crazy. And pull me out. She witnesses what's happening, sees me dick out, soft as rock, sees Skando, sees her girl, all laughing, all chanting out me, and then she goes stage fright, stage fright. So now all three of them are just peppering me. And so I can't handle it anymore.

So I'm like, all right, like, fuck this, this is over. This is embarrassing. So I go, I pull my pants up and I go to try to leave. And then they come out of the shower. Like they push the door open and they step, ass naked wet, into the bathroom. And now the three of them kind of turn. It was like a nightmare dream.

Like they're all, it was just like, stage fright, stage fright. Like it was eerie. So I'm like, well, fuck this, 100%. So I, I sprint into the hallway. It's like a long hallway to the, to the apartment door. And I, I swing into the hallway. It's like a long hallway to the apartment door. And I swing the door open, I reach down, I grab my shoes, because I'm respectful.

I took my shoes off and I run into the hallway. And it's one of those like, almost like in American Psycho, like the spiral staircase that goes all the way down. We're on the fourth floor. And I was so embarrassed and just so disconnected from what I felt like made me just Chad like a cool guy and I needed it. This is all straight up dude stay Chad. So I don't think I knew this then but looking back on it I've never told I've only told a story to my brothers it's the only reason I have it as a story is because they heard it. Oh, this is an exclusive.

Okay, what happened? As I thought about it, I wanted to feel cool. So I jumped off the balcony holding these shoes in my hand. And by the way, they're looking over the top. Stage fright, stage fright. Like, it is. Oh my God, these jerks. And I land and I immediately sprained both my ankles.

Oh no. Immediately, I knew it, I knew it. The second that I hit the ground, I was like, I'm injured, this is bad. I walk out, they stay up there, thank God, door closes. And by the way, at this point, it's five in the morning. It's like, you're never supposed to see the sun twice in one day.

The sun is coming up. Oh yeah, no. And I looked down at the shoes and I took that guy's shoes. I didn't have my shoes. I had a pair of like Nike Airs and I took whatever wooden clogs this dude was wearing. Oh! Oh!

Thank you, Nick. I'm so glad you didn't die. All of your stories are kind of connected. It involves white people. Yeah. Well, there you go. We're up to no good. I'm sorry.

And there you have it. Any one of those stories could have been like a TV spin-off of a get out show. Yeah. Oh, 100%. Bad dates. Let people know where they can find you, where they can catch your stuff, if you have anything coming up. Let's start with Kate and then work our way around.

So I am going to be touring all over. I post all of my tour dates on Instagram, Kate.Willet with 2Ls and 2Ts on Instagram. And I also have a new special out called Blue Poles and it is on Amazon and Apple TV. So just search for me there. Thank you so much. This has been a blast. Thank you, Kay. Nick, where can people find you?

What you got going on? Hey, so I am at Mr. Nick Kallis on Instagram, TikTok, YouTube, and my first one hour special is coming out June 27th, and that'll be available through 800lbGorilla's YouTube and also my website a week before. But we're also doing the Alamo Draft House here in lower Manhattan. It's screening it like a movie the same night, June 27th,

and there's a handful of tickets left. So if you're in the area and you want to come see the premiere, it's going to be a blast. There'll be a party and all that stuff. So please come check that out. And you won't have any stage fright. Well, because it's pre-recorded. It's just special. I never have to be again. Ian, what's going on, friend? Tell us where we can catch more of you. Yeah, I'm at IanLaraLive on Instagram

and all the social media stuff. And all my dates are at ianlaralive.com. And I have the special romantic comedy is still streaming on Macs. So you can check it out. And I'm on YouTube and stuff. You can check out the stuff there too. Okay.

I love everything that's happening here. You guys were awesome. As always, you can catch me right here for more Bad Dates or come to Why Are You Single if you're single or if you're in a relationship and you wanna laugh at people who don't have love. Ha ha ha ha ha. Bye guys, see you next week.

Thank you so much. Bad Dates is produced by Smartness Media and Wondery. Created by Robert Cohen. Executive producers are Robert Cohen and Stuart Bailey. Produced by Anne Harris and Devin Torrey Bryant. Engineered and edited by Devin Torrey Bryant and Kyle McGraw. Talent producer is Anne Harris. Associate producer is Maddie McCann. Executive producers are Will Arnett, Sean Hayes, and Jason Bateman.

Executive producers for Smartless Media are Richard Corson and Bernie Kaminsky. Music by Kushy and Eben Schledder. If you've had a bad date, please share it with us at 984-265-3283, or write us at baddatespod at gmail.com. We would love to hear all about it. That's all for this week. We'll be back next week for more. Bad Gates.

Smart. Less. Media. Nancy's love story could have been ripped right out of the pages of one of her own novels. She was a romance mystery writer who happens to be married to a chef. But this story didn't end with a happily ever after. When I stepped into the kitchen, I could see that Chef Brophy was on the ground and I heard somebody say, call 911.

As writers, we'd written our share of murder mysteries. So when suspicion turned to Dan's wife, Nancy, we weren't that surprised. The first person they look at would be the spouse. We understand that's usually the way

they do it. But we began to wonder, had Nancy gotten so wrapped up in her own novels There are murders in all of the books that she was playing them out in real life? Follow Happily Never After, Dan and Nancy on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. You can binge all episodes of Happily Never After, Dan and Nancy early and ad free right now

by joining Wondery+. worst opinions. If you're a hater first and a lover of pop culture second, then join me, Hunter Harris, and me, Peyton Dix, the host of Wondry's newest podcast, Let Me Say This. As beacons of truth and connoisseurs of mess, we are scouring the depths of the internet so you don't have to. We're obviously talking about the biggest gossip and celebrity news. Like it's not a question of if Drake got his body done, but when. You are so messy for that, but we will be giving you the b-sides, don't you worry. The deep cuts, the niche, the obscure. Like that one photo of Nicole Kidman after she finalized her divorce from Tom Cruise.

Mother. A mother to many. Follow, let me say this, on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. Listen to episodes everywhere on May 22nd or you can listen ad-free by joining Wondery Plus and the Wondery app on Apple Podcasts.