Bad Dates with Jameela Jamil - I’ll Knock Ya Down... (w/ Sam Morrison, Ali Siddiq, and Aminah Imani)

Episode Date: July 29, 2024

On a brand new episode of Bad Dates, guest host Marie Faustin welcomes comedians Sam Morrison, Ali Siddiq, and Aminah Imani to discuss their most iconic dating fiascos. Even years afterwards, Sam is able to make a positive identification, Ali really wants to know what that third strike is, and Aminah is forced to blame it on the espresso martini.If you’ve had a bad date you’d like to tell us about, our number is 984-265-3283, and our email is [e-mail], we can’t wait to hear all about it.Marie Faustin: @reeezy on social media, @whyare.yousingle on Insta for ticketsSam Morrison: @samuelhmorrison on social media, Sugar Daddy in LAAli Siddiq: @alisiddiq on social media, alisiddiq.comAminah Imani: aminahimani.comSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Smart. Blast. Neon. We've all bumped into people that we've dated in the past. And sometimes you want them to see you, sometimes you don't want them to see you, sometimes you want to see them doing bad.

And you want them to see you doing good. But yeah, it seems like y'all both doing great. Sometimes you don't see them until they're inside you. If I had a dollar. I would just have a dollar. Yeah. Hi everybody and welcome to Bad Dates. I am your host, Marie Faustin.

And you know, the show, this podcast is all about hearing funny people tell good stories about bad dates. And when I say bad dates, I mean bad dates like the time I have been texting this this guy for weeks. I was in college and he was telling me all the things he was gonna do for me. He was gonna cook for me. Oh, I'm basically a chef. He said he said you gonna be coming so much you won't be going. He said all this stuff. Oh, I'm like, you know, I'm young, I'm dumb. I don't know no better. I'm like, cool. Like, you know, I'm young, I'm dumb, I don't know no better. I'm like, cool, like, you know, where am I meeting you?

What's the address? He's like, oh, I live in a great building. It's a new building. Can I ask a question? Can I ask a question? What does being a chef and coming have to do with each other? You just listen to anything. You don't have to be a anything. You just listening to anything.

You're gonna be a champ. I'm gonna build you a house. You just listening to anything he's saying. He was a carpenter. It was all this stuff. So anyway. I feel like I can answer that. If you can cook, I'm gonna come. It's kind of a one to one for me. I mean, honestly, truly shout out to Bobby Flay.

So... Okay, and I take it back immediately? Yeah. Actually, I just changed my mind. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So he sent all this stuff. He sends me the address. I get there.

I said, oh, I know I'm not in the projects. This can't be where I'm supposed to be eating this gourmet meal at, right? Yeah, great building is crazy. Girl, I said it's a new. I'm in a great building. It's a new build. I said, new for me.

I get there. He doesn't cook breakfast. He made egg or waffles. Not even the chocolate chip egg or waffles, just regular waffles. So the and then the bacon was turkey bacon. It was a lot of lies. I was deceived.

And the only person who came that night, that day is his mom. She came home early from work and I had to sneak out of the house, like crawl behind the couch while he distracted her in the kitchen and then knock on the door like I had just got there. So you ate the Eggo waffles.

That's what I took from this. You ate the Eggo waffles and you faked it and then you gonna try to complain. You probably had orange juice, you probably had, you had your orange, oh my bad, orange drink cause it's a project. And you said. And you came back. And you came back knocking on the door. You just left. I had to knock. I had to knock back on the door because I left my phone. So it was like, yeah, he's like, hey, I'm trying to eat on this day when you when you ate everything.

What? This meal was terrible. But the plate is empty. What's cold blooded man? Please. He didn't even have maple syrup. Anyway, disrespectful, disrespectful. No maple anyway. Disrespectful, disrespectful. No maple syrup, disrespectful.

Yeah, but yeah, he introduced me to his mom like I had just gotten there and he said, hey mom, this is my friend Marie, she just get in here. His mom said, mm-hmm, she just get in here. So that's what I mean when I say a bad date. His mom knew, his mom knew because he's done this before. A hundred percent. Daddy.

That's why she came back early. First of all, who announced that somebody just got here if they just got there? Who? That's how you already know. Hey, this is my friend Marie. She just got here. She just got here. She just got here.

Anyway, I think we're going to have a good time today. We have three great guests for y'all. One of the first voices you heard is a comedian, a writer who's got great specials on YouTube. The Domino Effect 4 is on YouTube right now. It's Ali Sadiq, hi. Hello, hello, hello, hello. Uh-huh, uh-huh.

And then next we have my friend, you know her, comedian, actress on the rise from shows like Inside Amy Schumer and Flatbush Misdemeanors. It's Amina Imani. Okay. You see it? You see the professionalism? Yeah, yeah, I do. Why you ain't announcing I was on Flatbush Misdemeanor?

I'm the man's father. Oh, wow. That's not in your credits. My bad. Yeah. Well, give me all my credits. No. She's being as professional as possible. Yeah.

Yeah. It ain't good enough. And last but not least, we have comedian who's appeared on Seth Meyers. And his one-man show, Sugar Daddy, is coming to Broadway It's Sam Morrison. Hi Sam. Oh, thank you for having me sugar daddy. Yeah I'm Mike Bubbins. I'm Ellis James.

And I'm Steph Guerrero. And we're convinced that our podcast, The Socially Distanced Sports Bar, is going to be your new favourite comedy podcast with just a little bit of sport thrown in. You don't have to love sport, like sport or even know anything about sport to listen. Because nobody has conversations which stay on topic. And it's the same on our podcast. We might start off talking about ice hockey but end up discussing, I don't know, 1980s British sitcom Alo Alo instead. Let's use the word nuance in your pitch for Alo Alo. He's not cheating on his wife, he's French. It's a different culture. If you like

me and Mammoth or you like Alex in Fantasy Football League, then you'll love our podcast. Follow The Socially Distant Sports Bar wherever you get your podcasts. The Socially Distant Sports Bar, it's not about asymmetrical overlords. James, podcasting from his study and you have to say that's magnificent. Hello I'm Alice Levine. And I'm Matt Ford. And we're the hosts of Wanderers podcast British Scandal. Where we tell you outrageous tales of how the mighty have fallen on these pleasant pastures.

In our latest series, we're donning the tennis whites and downing the Pims for a Wimbledon themed scandal. Yes, we're telling the story of Boris Becker. How he went from being a tennis child star Wimbledon champion to having a one night stand in a London bar that turned into a headline grabbing paternity row. And then tax evasion that saw him behind bars just a couple of miles from Wimbledon Centre Court. So if you need something just a little juicier

than the current rolling coverage of aces and juices and people queuing for things, then this might just be for you. To find out the full story, follow British Scandal wherever you listen to podcasts or listen early and ad free on Wondery Plus on Apple Podcasts or the Wondery app. I would love to hear what bad dates you have for us because with a show called on Broadway like that, I feel like it's going to be full of mess. Beautiful mess. You know, when you were like, do you guys like going on dates? I was like, I don't, I do. I love it.

But my people don't really go on dates. It's so hard to find like gay men that are like, want to go out on dates because we have Grindr. I thought that it was like a Grindr hookup. And I get that this guy's much older. I think I was like in college. I might've been like 19 or 20. When you say much older, what are we talking about?

And I know Coach Smith or... No, no, no. Sort of famously into older guys. So I'm talking like 50s. How old are you? 20. You said 19 before. You lying. He was 17.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, call me out. Absolutely. So you 17? I'm 14. In the story, you 14. No, I'm 12. Ben, how old are you in this story?

This man is 50 in the old grinder. In the story, I think I just graduated college. Okay, so like 22. So I just graduated college, I moved to the city, I go to get my dick sucked, and I get there, and the guy is like fully cooking. Oh. Like pasta.

Okay. Like a meal. Okay, like a fettuccine, like a lasagna. What is he having? I don't even remember my age. I definitely don't remember the kind of pasta. Honestly, at this point, like I didn't know the rules of hooking up enough. I hadn't done it like enough, especially not in New York City.

So I also just like such a non confrontational person in general. Is that they pull enough? Hey, something my dick so I can get out of here. Damn the pasta. Wait, so Sam, Sam, did you say that or did you eat your fettuccine? Oh, absolutely not. No, of course not. I've never had that kind of confidence. Oh, so you ate the waffle, he didn't eat the fettuccine. This some bullshit, Sam. You ate that fettuccine.

I ate all the fettuccine. I ate all of it. And then I got, I asked for leftovers for the week. You had to! This man 50 years old cooking, cooking for you like a family man's supposed to. I know I should have married him. I don't know what I was thinking. He's drizzling basil on it. Okay, wait. You want some extra parmesan?

And Sam rude ass come in there, suck my dick so I can go. God damn, Sam. And let me say, that's the best impression of me I've ever heard. It was really good. Suck my dick so I can go. Yeah, yeah, yeah. How was that? Put that on the shirt.

That's merch. And suck my dick so I can go. But honestly, if you meet on Grindr, that's the baseline. Yeah. It's suck my dick so I can go. Right. If you meet on Grindr and then a guy is cooking

fettuccine pasta, that's a serial killer. Sam, you rude as shit, Sam. Yeah. You help me out. They don't understand. So you, so just, I just need to hear the rest of this. You go, he's cooking. The story is crazy.

All right, so he cooks me the pasta, and I'm like, sure, I guess this is what I have to do. I don't know why I thought that. And then, so we end up having sex, and he's this really diminutive, he's a sweet, sort of insecure corporate daddy with just the largest penis I've ever seen in my life. And you.

Oh, not pasta penis, okay. I know he's got a big dick, Andy Cook for me. I hear it as I'm saying it, I am the worst person in the world. He should be my wife. Were you the bad date? Like what? That's what it might look like.

In the end, maybe. You know, suck his dick. Great time. Eventually do go home. And then, OK, fast forward, like, I don't know, eight or nine years. This was just a couple of years ago. OK, I'm in D.C. I go to get my dick sucked as our people are want to do. Right. And then

I meet this guy. It's like this gorgeous place. I'm like And then I meet this guy. It's like this gorgeous place. I'm like, do I know this guy? This is like a celebrity. I feel like it's like someone that I feel like I should know. I like kind of recognize him. I'm trying to figure it out. And then he takes his dick out and then I suck it.

And then- Yeah. I'll take questions. Go ahead. While you're sucking it, you remember who's dick it is. As it's in my mouth.. Is it in my mouth? A full circle moment. And I'm like, oh, I've sucked this dick before.

I know this man. It was like in the mouth and I was like, I know you! You're like Senator. Oh my God, he could be. Maybe he is. This guy's a celebrity? I was in DC. That's right. Senator? Oh my God, he could be, maybe he is. This guy's a celebrity? I was in DC, that's right. So wait, he didn't remember you neither. Both of y'all didn't remember each other.

Well, he's 900 years old at this point. Yeah, he's a man of a particular age, girl. You know he got Alzheimer's. But y'all still got the same face. I know it's actually kind of sweet when you think about it in the end. You know, we found each other again. You found love in a hopeless place. Washington, D.C.

We even like compared the text messages and they were like, you know, because we found the old text messages from like all the way back then. I got some good storage. Yeah, it was the same guy. Wow. So that's that story. Okay, great. Well, I don't think I've ever had deja vu, Dick, but I appreciate you sharing that.

I feel like it's the contrast. When a guy has small dick energy and he has that large of a penis, you remember. Oh, okay. Thank you for sharing your story. Yeah. Nancy's love story could have been ripped right out of the pages of one of her own novels. She was a romance mystery writer who happens to be married to a chef. But this story didn't end with a happily ever after.

When I stepped into the kitchen, I could see that Chef Brophy was on the ground, and I heard somebody say, call 911. As writers, we'd written our share of murder mysteries. So when suspicion turned to Dan's wife, Nancy, we weren't that surprised. The first person they'd look at would be the spouse. We understand that's usually the way they do it. But we began to wonder, had Nancy gotten so wrapped up in her own novels,

There are murders in all of the books. that she was playing them out in real life? Follow Happily Never After, Dan and Nancy on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. You can binge all episodes of Happily Never After, Dan and Nancy, early and ad-free right now by joining Wondery Plus. Peyton, it's happening. We're finally being recognized for being very online.

It's about damn time. I mean, it's hard work being this opinionated. And correct. You're such a Leo. All the time. So if you're looking for a home for your worst opinions. If you're a hater first and a lover of pop culture second, then join me, Hunter Harris, and me, Peyton Dix, the host of Wanderys newest podcast, Let Me Say This. As beacons of truth and connoisseurs of mess, we are scouring the depths of the internet so you don't have to. We're obviously

talking about the biggest gossip and celebrity news. Like it's not a question of if Drake got his body done, but when. You are so messy for that, but we will be giving you the b-sides, don't you worry. The deep cuts, the niche, the obscure. Like that one photo of Nicole Kidman after she finalized her divorce from Tom Cruise.

Mother, a mother to many. Follow, lemme say this on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. Listen to episodes everywhere on May 22nd or you can listen ad-free by joining Wondery Plus and the Wondery app on Apple Podcasts. Okay, well Ali, let's get into your bad date. What happened to you? What you want to talk about? Oh, I'm in this historic spot in Texas, Austin. We is called the Texas Relays where people who are not a part of the relays go to party as hard as they possibly can.

You know, we not a part of relay. We drunk from the morning. Relays like a relay race, like track. Yeah, like, yeah, like track and field. Got it. So I'm there and I'm at this spot, Maggie Mays, which is the jump in this spot. And man, it's crazy. And I'm full of everything.

I got Heineken's, I got this little vest on, and got Heineken in all the pockets and all the pockets of the vest and I'm drinking Hennessy for sure. Definitely drinking Hennessy. Right. And yeah, definitely drinking Hennessy and Hennessy and Heat don't match. Hennessy don't really pair well with with good behavior. So Yeah, yeah good. Ain't is no pleasant Hennessy story.

All Hennessy stories start off with men. I almost died last night. I was on the phone. So I'm punching this cop in the face. So, yeah, without you know, you know, saying what I was doing, what I was doing is all that. And I know I was drunk

because before that, all right, I'm on. It's this guy named Janky Joe. He a cute dog. Right. And this in the queues are going around and I'm on Janky Joe's shoulders. I'm on his shoulders. He went to Texas Southern University. I'm on his shoulders. And I know Janky Joe had on clothes when I got on his shoulders for damn show. He had on clothes for damn show on his shoulders. For damn sure he had on clothes. For damn sure. Yeah.

For damn sure. And man, we in the middle of the crowd, we coming around and I look down, Jackie Joe ain't got on nothing but a crown roll bag. You know, the few be having, I mean, he ain't got, I'm talking about no shirt, no nothing, just crown roll bag. I said, man, put me down.

Put me down. Put me down. Put me down. How do you take off clothes with someone? I don't even have no idea how to get a shirt on. Man, it's mad. I helped him. Man, you understand. You got on his shoulders and you took his jacket off. Man, I got on that man showed he had on a full shirt.

Sounds like you got really drunk. You got, made your friend get naked. This man bare chested. He did the Hulk Hogan and ripped you right off. In front of everybody. It meant there's 600 people in this club. There's 600 people in this club. I'm saying, and it's wild.

These cues is wild. So boom. So now I done got off there. I'm on stage. Then I go to the bar and Steve Nikes is DJ. I go to the bar and I see this chick. I ain't gonna say her name, but we gonna, her name starts with an A. Okay. I see this chick.

Amina! So she and her friend drinks, I brought him around to drink cause I'm told up and boom, boom, boom. So we end up exchanging numbers, talking whatever. She's an AK. She go to Baylor. Okay. So we out. We talking a little bit on the phone.

Now we go out. As we out, we just chit chatting it up. And I say, I bring up my daughter, that I'm a father. And she says, oh. Did she say yuck? Cause that's what I said once. Basically she's like, oh. That changes things.

That changes things. You're a father. You know, and then we talking, and I'm like, what does that mean? And then she's like, first, you Muslim, you know, I let that pass. First of all, what did you think my name was? She said, I let that slide. She said, I'll let that slide. She said, I thought you was Christian. So then she's like, you know, you having a daughter is like strike, strike two.

I really don't date men that have kids. And I said, so what's strike three so I can do it? Like whatever strike three is. Because you judging me on things that's not gonna change. You know what I'm saying? I'm not gonna not be mother of, and then you want me to get rid of my baby to date you? What you want me to do?

It's not happening. You know what I'm saying? So, you know, we kinda, you know, I ain't just, I like just stop talking to her. So then we run into each other, a year or so later. Run into each other, right?

Oh, deja vu. Oh, we have a time jump. I think I got the resistance going. Yeah, we run into each other, right? And as we run into each other, we just happen to just have a conversation, blah, blah, blah, and she says, oh, I'm getting ready to go with my stepmom to do whatever they was going to do.

And I said, stepmom? I said, oh, your daddy must have just got married. She said, nah, I've been knowing her my whole life. You know, I love my stepmom. Hmm. Wow. And she said- That's interesting.

She said, why you say that? I said, I said, because you told me that you didn't date men that had children. What if the lady that you love, I'm not talking about the strange thing that you hate. I'm just talking about the lady that you love. What if the lady that you love didn't date your father and y'all wouldn't have grew to love each other

and all the rest of the, what if she had that type of attitude? Well, Ali, I was just, and y'all wouldn't have grew to love each other and all the rest of the, what if she had that type of attitude? Well, Ali, I was just, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh a function. And I'm out doing my thing, being a star, and then she sees me. Yes! Ew! She buying bottles, doing what I do.

Just radiating light. Yeah. You know what I'm saying? You know, just being who I am. You know what I'm saying? And then, just being who I am. And then she want to pull me to the side and say, hey, I would just like to apologize for the immaturity of me when I first initially met you. And I said, you know, me, you know, I'm going to act like I don't know. What is that, pray tell?

I don't know what you mean. What is this? What is know. What is that? Pray tell. I don't know. I don't know what you mean. What is this? What is this? What is this? What is this? What is this? What is this impetuity that we speak of? It's like, you know, I remember when I told you

I didn't date men that have children with whoop. And then let me go back to another fine point that I made during the course of that. I said, well, because I do have children and then I'll take care of them, I'm already proven. I'm already proven, like that I'm going to, what I'm going to do. Now you may get with somebody else

and they don't have no kids and you don't know what that is. Now I wanted to put that little tidbit in there because we need to fast forward that she has a child by a dude that did not have children and then they're separated. So now pop, pop, pop, all to the same glory. We back to the same thing. Now, if you would have had that baby by me,

then I would have still been in that child's life. You'd have been right there with, you know. But don't even worry about it. Band-Aid. It's gonna tell me some damn, give me some damn imaginary strikes, strike one and strike two. you know what I'm saying? I just wanted to know what strike three was.

I was damn so ready to grasp, I wish it was the B word because I was so ready to be it down, you know what I'm saying? But yeah. Well, what was the third strike for her? Did she ever answer the question? We never even got to it because I was all striked out. You going to talk about my baby. You ain't going to put no strike on my baby like I was I was all striked out. You don't stop by my baby. You know, put no strike on my bed like I'm going to throw my baby away.

She said with the baby. Yeah, I tell my dad, sir. And first, I didn't know about the first try. You know, just pop a strike to me and I see the first pitch. What type of shit is that? Oh, that's strike two. I feel like I feel like I give people strikes too, but in my mind, in the group chat after the date,

I'd be like, well girl, you know that strike. I'm not in the person's face. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, barbly. I don't play baseball on dates. Man, that girl face, that girl face to face. I'm talking about she umpire me and she's just, errrrr. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right.

Right. Right. You just trying to slide into home plate. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right.

Right. I said, she ain't even wait all it on. Oh, I'm gonna do it in the group chat. Oh no. Right. Right. Right. Right.

Right. Right. Well, I guess I hope this for her. I hope that she never goes on another date because she has a child. There's gonna be so many men that's gonna be like, I don't really date women who have children. I knock you down, but I ain't gonna really date you.

I knock you down, thank you. That's the name of the episode today, I'll knock you down. You can cook me pasta and suck my dick. Yeah, suck my dick, cook me pasta, I'll knock you down, yada go. Bad Gates. Peyton, it's happening. We're finally being recognized for being very online.

It's about damn time. I mean it's hard work being this opinionated. And correct. You're such a Leo. All the time. So if you're looking for a home for your worst opinions, if you're a hater first and a lover of pop culture second, then join me, Hunter Harris, and me, Peyton Dix, the host of Wondry's newest podcast, Let Me Say This. As beacons of truth and connoisseurs of mess, we are scouring the depths of the internet so you don't have to. We're obviously talking about the biggest gossip and celebrity news.

Like it's not a question of if Drake got his body done, but when. You are so messy for that, but we will be giving you the b-sides, don't you worry. The deep cuts, the niche, the obscure. Like that one photo of Nicole Kidman after she finalized her divorce from Tom Cruise. Mother. A mother to many. Follow Lemme Say This on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. Listen to episodes everywhere on May 22nd or you can listen ad-free by joining Wondery Plus and the Wondery app on Apple Podcasts. Hey y'all, it's your girl Kiki Palmer, your favorite quadruple threat actor, singer, dancer, and my new role, podcaster.

My podcast Baby This is Kiki Palmer is blowin' up y'all, cuz every episode I bring on an icon. Like when John Stamos and I talked about internet trolls hating on Disney adults, or when Jordan Peele explained why we love scary movies even though the world is already creepy as fuck. Tune in to learn a little and laugh a lot cause your girl keeps it real. Listen on Wondery Plus. Join Wondery Plus in the Wondery app or on Apple podcasts. Bad Dates.

Amina, this is the perfect time I think to get into your bad date. Please tell us your story. Um, so, so I'm on a date and naps. Why y'all laugh? Just because I think it's just about, um, so. So. Well, because I just feel like to follow all of that is crazy, but

Amina, you better bring your A material. Right, right. A bad date. So far we've had like six time jumps. I hope you deliver. Yeah, it's like suck my dick, cook pasta. I'm gonna be getting locked up and never going on a good date. Crown royal bags.

Wow. Yo. I'm just out here. So you're on a date now, go ahead, we're ready. Oh thank you Ali, check me. At least I got a heart out. Yeah, yeah. No, anyway.

No, that's fair. So I'm on a date and nap. I'll stay on here and talk about Grindr for hours. I'm not on Grindr, I'm on like, you know, Hinge, whatever, the other dates, date naps. And so at this point when I was on the date naps, I was just, I was down for whatever. I was just like, you want to meet up?

Let's meet up. Okay, I'll pull up. Okay, where we pulling up at? Okay, cool. And my friend saw me doing that. She was just like, whoa, whoa, whoa. She was like, you don't think you should like talk to them, video call, nothing? I was like, whoa, whoa, whoa. She was like, you don't think you should like talk to them, video call, nothing.

I was like, nah, I'll just pull up and see the vibes. So. Just waiting to be on Special Victims. Just, I don't give a damn. Not Olivia Benson. I don't give a damn who y'all, just pull up, man. I don't, I'm not, I'm not screaming shit. Yeah.

I was the same way. I wanna go go out no matter how we going out. Go ahead. I mean if he try to kill in public with a lot of eyes around. This nigga pull up in the van, gloves on. This is going to be good. So then this is what my friend was like, OK, no. I'll come with you. I'm going to come with you on your next date, because it sounds real goofy.

So I was like, all right, cool, come. So she came to the spot. She's at the bar. I'm at the table with the guys. So we're at the table. We're having our date. We're ordering a little bit of food. Why did your friend say it sounded goofy?

Well, because she just was like, I feel like you should meet these people. Well, also, she wanted to hang out with me that day. So she was just like, I'm going to come just in case it's bad. And then we can go hang out. So it was like a twofold. She was like, I'm going to support you and make sure you don't get like in trouble. But also, like, I'm let's share a car. Right. Right. Right. So she needed a ride. Right. I'm going, let's share a car. Right, right, right. So she needed a ride.

Right. I'm gonna remember this. No, but also my thing too was just like, I was like, you need to find you something else to do cause this date is gonna be good. So I was like, make sure you have your backup plans. And she was like, I do, it's fine. But I still wanna just make sure you good on your date.

So I'm on a date y'all. And I mean, I never wanted to fall asleep. Like I was dozing off. The date was so bad. Like just, I mean, just no personality, no charisma, no vibe, y'all. But like, sound guy, like I hate that this is the case. Like, you know, he had a good job.

He's been working there. He like what he do. But like literally I was yawning on the day. It was so bad. Like it just, and so he's like, is everything okay? And I'm just like, oh, it's just been a long day, a long life, you know what I'm saying? Like the sky's blue, just making up any kind of reasons

for why I'm sitting here yawning on this. Yeah. But I was just like, you know what, let's keep in touch. We wrap it up. And I was like, I'm gonna just go home cause I need to get some sleep. So we leave, I circle around the corner, come to the bar and now me and my friend,

we kept cracking it up. We like, ah, people be, they bored, you know, just dragging, dragging to do. What friends do, exactly, sure. Exactly, doing what friends do. Now I need to tell y'all this, before me and the guy left, he was like, I'm about to go meet up with my other friends and go hang out.

So I was like, yeah, cool, do your thing. I'ma go home and get some sleep, cause I need rest and it's not you boring, it's me just having a hard life out here, right? You yawned in his face and then you were like, how long, did you wait for him to walk away? Did he hop in a car? No, we left together.

Like I actually, I literally walked down the block like I was leaving and came back around. So we both left. Right. Have you done this before? No, this was my first, cause before I was just meeting up with, meeting up with guys just all willy nilly,

just having a date and then I would just end the date if the date wasn't good. You don't always bring a friend, that makes sense. Yeah, no, I don't always bring a friend. And then at one point, I had like three dates in one night. Like I was just on some like, just. Look, so she was bored. Yeah.

Oh friend, you were hungry. Okay. Okay. Okay. So I come back to the bar and me and her, we just laughing. She's like, well, anyway, come with me to this event. It's not too far from here.

Let's go have a good time. I was like, cool. So y'all we get to the next event and it's fun. We having a good time. I'm talking about like, you know, when your song like, say back that ass come up. I'm like, yeah, just lit, right? My friend got shots in the air.

It was like a movie. So I'm coming to get the shots, y'all. I look across the room. Why is this dude standing, watching me turn up? As the shots might come to hit my head, I was like... He's like this. He... He...

Across... I couldn't believe it. Like this. Oh. Oh, cross, I couldn't believe it. I was just, I couldn't even believe. So now I was at Braids at this time. So I'm trying to hide behind my braids. I tell my friend, I tell my friend, I'm like, yo, that's him, that's him. So we go upstairs. He sends me a text and he's like, where did you go?

I'm already still ready to lie. I'm telling him reasons why I was out as opposed to sleep. Like I told him I was going to sleep. I was just like, oh yeah, my sitter was like, it's fine, just stay out. And then my friend hit me up on the way home. And so we, it was just so bad. It was so bad.

So you gave him a bunch of lies to explain why you weren't there. A bunch of lies. It was so bad. So you gave him a bunch of lies to explain why you were there. A bunch of lies. It was a bunch. Oh my God. I pay so much money to listen to that. Yo. To listen to you being like, well, we were on the way home

and there was a babysitter and then my friend. And then I realized I'm not tired. And then can you believe this party? You know, it's an espresso martini shot. So that's why I'm lit now. I was so embarrassed. I'm lit now. I was so embarrassed. I was so embarrassed.

But like, like after that, my friend definitely you know, like it's like one of those I told you so it's like girl, this is why you could have been found out he was born on a phone call or video call or some kind of screen. So now when I'm on the date now, that's something that I do. I'm like, okay, I got to at least have a phone call or I got to at least do a video call. So you screen every date before you go on them now? Girl and I have not been on a date since. I was on a call with a guy and he was just, we was on the phone and everything was chill.

We on the phone and he starts talking about how his dream is to move his mother into his apartment. He hasn't been to the dentist in like a year. It also sounds like kind of he's moving into his mom's house, but he's phrasing it this way. Like. Well, he was just prefacing that whole movement of just like, she's all I have, I'm her only child, I gotta make sure she good.

And I was just on the phone like, okay. And I said it out loud too. I said, so you wanna be with your mother. It's giving mama's boy, yeah. Girl, yeah, then we got into it. We got into it. He was like, instead of laughing at me, you need to be understanding and I'm like, bro. This is our first phone call And I don't know you

We have time for one listener Story, I'm gonna read it and then I'm gonna get your reactions and then I'll let I'll get you guys out of here Cool. Sounds good. Here it is. The one time I agreed to outdoor sex was with a guy I met on Hinge, where I go to find fuckboys, okay. Feeling adventurous, we went inside the woods

near his house. Wait! What? Inside the woods near his house. His house? What? So he has a house. You go to the Rambles in Central Park like a respectable whore. I'm sorry.

I thought they went camping, but this is not that. Okay, boom. It gets worse. He brought a blanket, and as we were getting ready to bump uglies, he starts screaming, ow, ow, ow, what the fuck? And digging at his nuts. What?

He smacks his hand on them, still freaking out. We learned that he had been stung by a bee, both on the twig and the berries. I had to pull the stinger out of his nut sack. Bitch. He's still hopping around in pain and asking if we could still fuck. I told him, it doesn't seem like a good idea.

He's allergic and starts to break out in hives. Welts appear all over his skin. It's crazy looking. He starts crying saying he hasn't gotten laid in four years and he was so close. And he was so close he could taste it. That was the final nail in the coffin for him. I'm sorry. You haven't had sex in four years and you want to do it in the woods. Oh, there's so many weird parts about it, primarily that he said bumping uglies. Who says that? She was, she sounds certified. You pulled the bee out of the penis. What?

I don't know what the- How hot was this guy that you were willing to be like sort of an ad hoc nurse? I don't, I don't know the gender of the listener who submitted this, but I don't think a woman would go into the woods with a man to have sex, right? Yeah, I hope it's a gay man. Not great for our image as a people, but in terms of getting murdered.

Let me not generalize. There's some women that might do it. You really can't assume, because I just saw a video of some people out in the park getting in and it was a woman and a man, so. In the woods next to a house. Near his house. It's crazy.

The fact that he got hurt and was breaking out in hives, and he still was trying to get in. And still wanted it. He said, but whoa, whoa, whoa, I'm turned on. They just love to be on. They just want to be on special victims. They want to be gone, girl, so bad. He said I was so close I could taste it.

Ugh. Who says stuff like that? Also, I didn't know when a bee stung you, the stinger stayed in you. Yeah, the stinger stays in you. Oh, wow. That's, cause when they sting you, they rip their guts out,

cause the bee died that they sting you, and the stinger is left in you. Oh. That's how they die. Sounds like a good, I'm sorry, National Geographic. Or Planet Earth. As they make their move to mate,

a predator, in the form of a bee. I'm not trying to be on Special Victims. I'm sorry. No. Also, don't you go to have public sex where it's like a sexy thing and you're sort of, I don't know, if you're in the woods by your, just go in the house. The woods by the house?

Do it on the porch at least. If you guys, he has a house. My public sex is in the pool. That's a good place to do it. In a private pool? No, in a public pool. That's what makes it public. A YMCA pool. A private pool is regular sex.

I don't know if this is a joke or not. That's at your house. It's regular sex. You gotta be in public. All the children around. Everybody's wondering why my aunt and uncle keep backing up on each other? Don't worry about it. Wow, wow. Hey, you know how your aunt and uncle be in the pool? Your uncle, don't come over here, don't come over here.

Don't come over here. Ah! We don't know. Yeah. Yeah. Your uncle on Frank and Beverly and May's playing, you had to cook out your uncle and your aunt. We're not familiar.

Your aunt's been drunk since noon. And they keep bagging on food. I'm right. And they ain't nobody swing by them. I'm not gonna lie. I kinda wanted a happy ending for them. Since they was at the house, he could have went and took a vintage reel. And they could have handled that.

It says he started breaking out and then he started crying. And then he confesses he hasn't been laid in four years. I'm not banging. She had to go. I can't believe y'all had sex in the baby pool. I'm tripping. I'm trying to figure out why I'm the only one. You are absolutely tripping.

I don't agree with this panel no more. It sounds like you did it in a baby pool at a barbecue and those are a lot of, that's your third strike, sir. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Say it.

That woman was right to not date you. Hold on, hold on, Amina. You're out here eating everybody. You can't be in a baby pool back there with me at a cookout. What is wrong with you? Amina's meeting strangers in public. You banging people you know in front of strangers.

Amina, you listen to me. You keep them shades on. You have a bikini. I pull that to the side. We be backed up in the pool at the cookout. You know what I'm saying? Don't nobody come on. Stop swimming by us.

Ali, what is in the cup? Is it Hennessy? Why you keep shooting balls? Get your son. Get your son. We got to go. We learned a lot today. Oh, my God. I can't wait to get in the pool and then jump right back.

Ali, tell the listeners where they can catch you or where they can see more from you. Oh man, just go to my website, ali sadik.com, A-L-I-S-I-D-D-I-Q. Look at all the tour dates that's on there. Go to my Instagram, go to YouTube, Ali Sadikq, comedy, and watch the specials. You know, start with one and go all the way to four. You know, it's a long ride. So that's why I'm mad people. And catch me in a pool backed up with your ain't it. I'm going to throw a bee stinger at you.

Amina, where can people catch you? Where can they see more from Amina and Moni? Um, I'm here in New York City. I perform frequently at the Comedy Cellar, and you can hit my website, AminaImani.com. Amazing. And Sam, finally, where can people see more of you and what you have going on?

My solo show, Sugar Daddy, which was not about the story I told today. It was opening at the Wallace Annenberg Center in L.A. September 20th. So go check that out for all other tour dates. You can go to my Instagram, Samuel H. Morrison. Amazing. You can catch me live at my show. Why are you single here in Brooklyn and touring all over the place? Soon come more bad stories next week.

So make sure you tune in and come back. Bye! Bad Dates is produced by Smartless Media and Wondery. Created by Robert Cohen. Executive producers are Robert Cohen and Stuart Bailey. Produced by Ann Harris and Devon Torrey-Briant. Engineered and edited by Devon Torrey-Briant and Kyle McGraw. Talent producer is Ann Harris. Associate producer is Maddie McCann. Executive producers are Will Arnett, Sean Hayes and Jason Bateman. Executive producers for Spartless Media

are Richard Corson and Bernie Kaminsky. Music by Kushy and Eben Schledder. If you've had a bad date, please share it with us at 984-265-3283 or write us at baddatespod at gmail.com. We would love to hear all about it. That's all for this week. We'll be back next week for more.

Bad Dates. Smart. Last. Media. Smart. Glass. Minion.