Bad Dates with Jameela Jamil - Is Your Grandson In Town? (w/ Veronika Slowikowska, Patti Harrison, and Casey James Salengo)

Episode Date: May 27, 2024

On a brand new episode of Bad Dates, guest host Marie Faustin welcomes comedians Veronika Slowikowska, Patti Harrison, and Casey Salengo to discuss their most iconic dating fiascos. Veronika asks for something new but it’s her date that loses face, Patti’s patrolman is 20 years out of time, and Casey’s just trying to make his friends laugh at knifepoint. If you’ve had a bad date you’d like to tell us about, our number is 984-265-3283, and our email is [e-mail], we can’t wait to hear all about it.Marie Faustin: @reeezy on social media, @whyare.yousingle on Insta for ticketsVeronika Slowikowska: @veronika_iscool on social media, tour dates & tickets, Nevermind podcastPatti Harrison: My Huge Tits Huge…, Edinburgh Fringe FestivalCasey Salengo: @caseyjsalengo on social media, I Love You…But Your Music Sucks podcastSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Smart. Less. Media. Media. Media. Talking to somebody every day is a lot. Yeah, and ex, I don't, it's wild. Just in general, like I don't even talk to my own mother every day.

Every day? Once a year maybe. Well you and your mom didn't date that long, so it's like not a comfortable... It's like not a comparable. Two weeks in the 90s. Like nine months. We were at the VMAs. Things get hot and heavy.

Which one? It was the one, Eminem won best new artist. Wait, you and your mom went to the VMAs? We started hooking up. No, I'm just riffing with Patty. I didn't. I got scared. I wasn't riffing with you, Casey.

I'm sorry. Are you okay? Cause I wasn't really saying anything at all. I was fucking serious. I'm sorry. Are you okay? Because I wasn't really saying anything at all. I was kind of here quietly and then you started hooking up with your mom. Yeah, fuck my mom. Wait, what are we talking about? Casey. Bad Dates.

Bad Dates. Hi guys. Welcome to Bad Dates. I am your host, Marie Faustin. Let's talk about what a bad date is. A bad date is like the time I went out with this guy who had been like really, really trying to go out with me for a while. And so we finally went out and we went to a restaurant. Anytime I go to a restaurant with anybody, I'm assuming we're gonna eat.

And he's like, let's just get a drink. And so we got some wine and sizzling fajita platters are being crossed in front of my face and stuff like that. Those are fucked up. We don't need to sizzle. Sizzle on the back. Don't make these poor waitresses burn their arms so you get a little shout.

But the sizzle is scary. So put all these like hot plates are going by and I'm like, ooh, I kind of want some wings. Cause you know, what pairs better with wine than wings? And I was like, ooh, I want some wings. And this guy was like, I'll tell you what, you get the wings and I get the wine. And I was like, what does that mean? And he was like, you get the wings and I get the wine. And I was like, what does that mean?

And he was like, you get the wings and I'll get the wine. And I was like, well, who's gonna pay for the wings? And he was like, you. And I was like, oh, I mean, I got them. And then when we got to my house, he kept trying to, like, I was like, well, bye. Like, I opened the door and I was trying to shut it and he like shoved his foot in the door

and he was like, can I come in and use the bathroom? And I was like, was like no when he was like can I come in and see what you did with the place and I was like No, and he he had his foot in the door in a way that felt very low-end or SVU II and so I say It sounds like he's so forward the rest of the date to be like I'm not gonna have Wings you can get wings and you pay for that like Like he's very forward in that way, except for the part when it comes to like physically assaulting you. It's like he's being passive about his honesty around that. And it was like, I'm not going to play tug of war with this door. And I don't have Olivia Benson on speed dial.

So I was like, you can go pee. And so he went into the bathroom and I stayed. He said, no, no shit, I'm timing it. Yeah, no number twos, just number one. And he went into the bathroom and I stayed at the front door with the door open behind me the entire time he was in the bathroom. And you know, I just had to kind of,

he came out and I was like, right this way, like a flight attendant on a plane, right this way. And I had to get him out of my house. And then he tried to kiss me on the way out. And it was like, sir, the only thing that's wet in this apartment is the seat that you probably peed on. So I'm not doing this with you. I was gonna say, it didn't sound like,

it sounded like a pretty good date until the foot thing. But other than that, pretty good. You got wing money. If he bought the wings, would you have let him in the house? Maybe. All right, that's fair. But this was also like, this was years and years ago.

This is before I had wing money. Before you had wing money. You know, I had to move money from my savings into my check-in, you know. See, and he was willing to accept that about you and try and give you a kiss. And the fact that you were- Oh, so you're saying that I was the bad date?

Yeah, he's a great guy. I think so. Yeah, this guy's awesome. I think he had a lot bad day. Yeah, he's got a great He had a lot to give well, you know what speaking of giving I might as well give all these voices a name The voices that you hear in the background. First of all, we got three hilarious people on the pod today Let's start with Veronica slow ekovskaya. Did I say it correctly? Oh My gosh, she's muted. She's muted! We can't hear you, girl! It's a button on here, on the mic.

Oh my god. I'm so sorry. Yeah, you actually did like a mixture between like the Polish pronunciation and the English and it was actually perfect. And I loved it. Slowikowska. Slowikowska, that's right. Thank you for having me. So I was, yeah, I was like trying to riff. I was like, oh, let me just like get in there

and no one can hear me. So no worries. That's fine, that's fine. They're gonna hear you for the rest of this episode. We also have the incredible Patty Harrison with us today. Hey, Patty. Hey. Hey. So glad you're so excited to be here. Yeah. My, uh, I had, uh, my mic turned on so that I could hear my own voice at one point

and I turned it off. So there was a moment when I thought maybe that I couldn't because what happened to Veronica, I was like, oh, that's happened to me now. I think because I'm an empath and other people's trauma is very quickly experienced in my own body that that's kind of what... That's gotta be hard. That's gotta be hard. I'm sorry. Yeah, it's really fucking hard.

Wow. And I hear you. And the third voice that we hear in the background is Casey James Selengo. How you doing? Great to see it's also Polish, but they couldn't spell it, so they just made something up. Selengo.

Wow. And Ella's silent. Okay, so you guys all have things going on. Obviously, you're very busy comics, you're on TV, you're doing things in movies and stuff. But Patty, your tour's name is My Tits Are Huge Because They're Infected, Not Fake. I just wanted people to know that's the name of the tour. That's not what it's called.

What's the name of the tour? Oh, why? And it's not the name of the tour. It's just a show that I'm doing. So I just have to stop you right there. The show is called, it's called My Huge Tits Huge because they're infected.

Not my. Oh, my bad. I'm sorry. My Huge Tits Huge because they are infected, not fake. And it's a one-time show. And I just want to, and I want to point out that you said My Tits Huge, and it's My Huge Tits Huge. My Huge Tits.

My Huge Tits Huge. Yeah, it's a one- time show that happens in my bedroom and there's one ticket. Oh! Hey! Oh! Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, okay! Yeah, and it's in children's candy and it's candy that's marketed only to children.

And you can actually only see the ticket if you're a child because it's like, you know how you can only hear certain frequencies if you're a dog or a child. Yeah, they did that technology for kids so that only kids can see the ticket for my show. It's a memory of them. That's cute. What's the cutoff?

And then I show them my breasts. What's the cutoff? Yeah, like when can't you see it anymore? What age can you see anymore? Or is it more personal for each person? The age is three. Okay. Got it. Three and under can see your big infected. Three and below. Got it. Huge, huge, huge.

It's also about a perspective thing too. It's like for a kid. To suck on. Yeah. Oh yeah. So I'm, it's a parent, it's like a parent-daughter... parent-daughter? It's not the other thing we were thinking. It's actually a maternal sort of thing. No sex allowed. No sex. Only sucky. Only sucky today.

Alice and Matt here from British Scandal. Matt, if we had a bingo card, what would be on there? Oh, compelling storytelling, egotistical white men and dubious humour. If that sounds like your cup of tea, you will love our podcast, British Scandal, the show where every week we bring you stories from this green and not always so pleasant land. We've looked at spies, politicians, media magnates, a king, no one is safe. And knowing our country, we won't be out of a job anytime soon. Follow British Scandal wherever you listen to your podcasts.

Have you ever felt like escaping to your own desert island? Well, that's exactly what Jane, Phil and their three kids did when they traded their English home for a tropical island they bought online. But paradise has its secrets, and family life is about to take a terrifying turn. You don't fire at people in that area without some kind of consequence.

And he says, yes, ma'am, he's dead. There's pure cold-blooded terror running through me. From Wondery, I'm Alice Levine and this is The Price of Paradise. The real life story of an island dream that ends in kidnap, corruption and murder. Follow The Price of Paradise wherever you get your podcasts or binge the entire season right now on Wondry Plus. So Veronica, let's get into your story and hear what's so bad about it. So, okay, last year I went to Europe with, yes, two different men that I, I love that. That I knew for a week.

No, it's like so fine and so normal and everyone does that. At the same time, two different men that you were seeing. Two different, so I didn't learn my lesson the first time and then I was like, oh wait, it's like fire. I'm like into like fireworks, you know what I mean? Where it's like totally like so explosive and passionate and you know, we're planning the wedding and then within three months, it's like the worst time of my life.

Sure, yep. Like it's like random. Spice of life. It's like life. Classic relationship, sure. Sure. And okay, life. Classic relationship, short. Short. And okay, so this one was, I want to call it a firework. And so we had met here in New York

and it was the best night of my life. Like we had clicked and it was incredible. And so- Where did you guys meet? We met Instagram. Hey. and it was incredible. success from them. I bet your DMs are full of millions of deals you're trying to date. No, my DMs are kind of dry. And I think it's because I'm allegedly intimidating, whatever that word means. And yet there is always riffraff falling through the cracks that just like, you know, that can't spell, that can't read,

that can't like, see what I, like they see me and they don't see them and they're like, hey, so. Your bar is so high. My bar is not high. You're intimidating, you need to read? Jesus. Judgmental. Let a man live. Okay, maybe that's why I've never been flown

to Paris or whatever by a man. To wherever. So, oh God, well, okay, so we go. It's truly like we had known each other for a week. We had this kind of weekend of amazingness. He lived in New York, I lived in LA. So we were long distance. And so this was his way of being like,

I wanna see you again. I wanna take you to my favorite place in the world, Paris. And I was like, and I was like, yeah, I'm actually free and unemployed and I would love. So- That's the best time to go to Paris when you have no money. When I have no money. Like, yeah, I'm actually free and unemployed and I would love, so. That's the best time to go to Paris when you have no money.

When I have no money. And so, whatever, we have this night where we have a little bit of wine, French, did I mention, yeah, French wine. And French chicken wings, obviously. Some chicken wings. Yeah. And so.

French people say, ooh la la. Ooh la la. That's what they call chicken wings. And so we, yeah, we go to, and I think like we're like, let's do, let's have like a club night. And we're in line for a club and we're like getting a little bit, oh my gosh, I like, I never open up like this, but we're getting a little bit

like, you know, turned on. We're like, okay, like this is kind of fun, whatever. Like let's get, we have to get back to the hotel. Like, let's go. And so at this time, you know, I was like, we were a little bit like, a little wine drunk, we're a little frisky, we're like, it's getting a little like heated.

And so I was like, okay, like, this was kind of like a dream of mine that I wanted to have come true that I never really told anyone. And I just kind of was like really trying to be hot, but it came out very like insecure. Okay. Kind of like just like how I am. So I go like, I'm like, oh, like, oh, wow. Come on my face. Did you say it like that? And I said it like that.

I was like, oh, come on my face. And he's like, what? I was like, come on my face. And so he did, right? They will, they will. If you tell them. Every time. My first time, my first time getting a facial.

And so I go and I'm like, okay, okay. Right? Like it was like, whoa, that was crazy. Of course we use, this person also is younger than me. Like this is a younger man. So that may- So that affects like the consistency of it? It definitely, it affects the what- The shoot, the harder it comes out harder.

It is true. It's just something you should know. Just something you should know. It affects the what's... The shoot, the harder it comes out harder. It's true. It's just something you should know. Just something you should know. So I'm like, okay, cool. Whatever we... I'm like this, like my eyes really... I'm like, you can, you know,

you can let the imagination do its thing. And I'm like, all right, like, let's, you know, clean this up. So I think I had to tell him that too. I was like, could you help me? You're blind and he's like, I'm going to go back to the club. So I'm whatever. I think we got a towel or honestly a t-shirt probably.

Um, and then I go to the bathroom, right. And I'm, and all of a sudden I'm like, I wear contacts and something's a little off. And I'm like, girl. I'm like my eyes like really red. And he's not, he's not like right behind me, right? Like, I don't know where he is. So I'm like, oh. Like, it hurts.

Wait, your eyes were open for this facial that you just got? It was your first time. I think I like opened them. It's like when you're not supposed to, you open your eyes. So your eyes are all red and puffy. And I'm kind of, you know, washing them through. And again, I had time to like Google if this was like a normal thing. He's just not behind me. Like I'm like, okay Google if this was like a normal thing.

He's just not behind me. Like I'm like okay like this is I don't know what's going on. Was he below you? Like where? Are you okay? Like just yelling it from the hotel room like okay and then I yeah I Google it. Apparently it's like totally fine. It will like then the morning it should be should be all good for anyone who might have this problem Apparently it's like totally fine. It will like, then the morning it should be, should be all good for anyone who might have this problem or it's, it's fine. So, but still, right? I'm like a little bit worried. Right.

Then I walk out, my eyes are like truly like, like two like bees had stung them. And he's on the bed and his boxers blasting rap music from his iPhone. He's like, what do you want from McDonald's? Oh, hell yeah. It's actually pronounced McDonald's. And I'm like, well, I was like, and I'm like trying to be cool because again, we don't know each other. And I'm like, I'm like, oh, just chicken nuggets.

And I sit down and I'm like, oh, just chicken nuggets. And I sit down and I'm like, okay, that's fine. And then like, you know, it's like, fuck me like a slut, treat me like a princess. Like that's the whole thing. Right, I think that's Ephesians or like Corinthians or something like that. People say that. And I'm like, okay, like that's,

everything was totally, totally consensual, loved, like actually, did I enjoy it? Yes, I did. The second it happened, I was like, hmm, now I don't know if I would do that again. Like, you know, never say never, but like, hmm. And then the next morning, I'm like, hey, I like, don't, like, I didn't know how to say it. I was like, I, and then of course, I was just crying. I just don't know how to communicate it. I was like, of course I was just crying. I just don't know how to communicate. And I was just crying and I was like, so that's like not how we do it.

I was like, I need you to like love me after and like, you know what I mean? Like just like give me a kiss. Like let's get back, you know, whatever. And he's like, and he thought he like did something bad. And I was like really communicating that it's totally okay. Everything was like so consensual. It's just the things that you do after you come on someone's face. Come help get some stuff out of my eyes and you know

what happened to the like steak dinners like maybe that would have been nice after. I mean a facial in Paris is better than a facial in New Jersey. That's true. Yes. Yes. Yeah. Marie, yes. Yes. I read that in a fortune cookie once.

Did he get you your nuggets? He did. He did. But... A gentleman? Yeah, a gentleman. A gentleman. Bad dates! I'm Afua Hush. I'm Peterua Hirsch.

I'm Peter Frankenpern. And in our podcast, Legacy, we explore the lives of some of the biggest characters in history. This season we're exploring the life of Cleopatra. An iconic life full of romances, sieges and tragedy. But who was the real Cleopatra? It feels like her story's been told by others with their own agenda for centuries. But her legacy is enduring

and so we're going to dive into how her story has evolved all the way up to today. I am so excited to talk about Cleopatra Peter. She is an icon. She's the most famous woman in antiquity. It's got to be up there with the most famous woman of all time. But I think there's a huge gap between how familiar people are with the idea of her compared to what they actually know about her life and character. So for Pyramids, Cleopatra and Cleopatra's Nose. Follow Legacy Now wherever you get your podcasts. Or you can binge entire seasons early and ad-free on Wondery Plus.

binge entire seasons early and ad-free on Wondery+. The early 2000s was a wild time for reality TV. There seemed to be an endless supply of shows that delivered entertainment for us, but trauma for children. I'm Misha Brown, the host of Wondery's podcast, The Big Flop. Each week on The Big Flop, comedians join me to chronicle the biggest pop culture fails of all time and tried to answer the age-old question, who thought this was a good idea? We recently looked behind the scenes of what was really going on at Abby Lee Miller's dance studio. Abby's biggest misstep wasn't screaming nonsensical catchphrases or throwing chairs on television, but instead, she was choreographing financial fraud in plain sight. Join me to break down all the wild details

of Abby Lee Miller's story. Follow The Big Flop on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcast. You can listen to The Big Flop early and ad- free right now by joining Wondery Plus. Patty now we want to get into your story because what happened to you? I have never had a bad date before because I met my husband like as I was being pulled out. Yeah, my mom. And it was my dad. Oh. Yeah.

I love that. And we're not blood related, so it's fine. Love wins. That's why the sex works so well. Now, I went, I've been on a billion terrible dates, but I think the one I was kind of reminded of recently is pre-pandemic. I was in Portland, Oregon, working on this TV show, Shrill, and that filmed in Portland.

Thank you, Casey. You're welcome. You will get that aftercare if you keep it up with someone someday, I hope for sure. I can't wait, Fran. It does, Casey, your setup, it looks like you're kneeling at the end of your bed, like in prayer position.

I am, I was hoping you wouldn't comment on it. Like a little prayer stool. Yeah, it's not great. The dog is back there waiting to be spooned. Yeah, the dog's back there. I didn't realize you could see my frame photo, Bruce Springsteen on my dresser. I didn't realize it was the scope of the mirror.

Don't look around. How's your story, what happened, Patty? I don't wanna be gauche, but Casey, your dog has a post-coital afterglow. Aw, she always has that. You get them bred specially, but it looks like it just got fucked. I don't, take that back.

Your dog's got your body shaking from you fucking it so good. And it's like, and you're just gonna do a podcast. It's listening to Veronica, like snapping. The dog is like, where is my aftercare? I need a washcloth. She would love chicken nuggets, I'll tell you what. She popped up when I said it.

She's looking herself. Okay, so pre pandemic. Okay, sorry. Portly Morgan. Yeah, I went on, I met this guy on a Tinder date who his profile said he was 26. And, um, I showed up to the date that was at a beer garden, which is, you know, it's already a haunting, uh, foreshadowing.

Yeah. Dream come true. A sweet dream of beautiful nightmare. Um, and, uh, and he was fully like 45 and it was him. Like it definitely was him using old pictures. Oh. But, and then he just- Why would he do that to you as if you don't have eyes?

Well, here's the thing. When I said that like, I think in the past, I was a much more passive and codependent person and conflict-averse. And, like, I remember walking up to the table and him being like, Patty, like, waving me over. And we had a day date.

You were like, is your son coming? Or... Yeah. Excuse me, mister. Is your grandson in town? He, as I walked up, immediately before I even sat down, was like, what are you wearing? Oh my God.

Oh! Oh, I was like, you don't, do you not like it? And he was like, you look like you're wearing genie pants. Is this like a genie costume? Oh boy. And immediately started nagging me for like, what look like you're wearing genie pants. Is this like a genie costume? Oh boy. And immediately started nagging me for like what was a full three hour date. To his credit, I was wearing a horrible outfit.

I was wearing a really bad outfit. What was it? It was like these big silky like- Princess Jasmine pants? Elastic waist, yeah, it was like pajama pants from the thrift store that were like, kind of like tattered a bit and they were like light purple silky and had like a floral stitching on them.

And then I was wearing this denim. It was like a denim overall crop top. It was like the top of overalls, but it was cropped. It was like the top of overalls, but it was a drop. But the, it was really bad. Like, and I think at the time I was like, I'm pushing myself into new, the new like beyond my limits of fashion and personal style. Like at the time, that's how you know,

like my open relationship is falling apart. I think my hair and makeup was probably bad too. Wait, your hair and makeup were bad, but he fully was using TBT photos from 15 years ago. Were the photos like black and white? Like, you know what I mean? Vintage? There was President Roosevelt was like in the background. So what happened on this date with this guy?

I'm not telling you shit. You know, I have the notes here. So he the gist of the story is that we go on this date for truly three hours. It's in the middle of the day at this outdoor brewery, beer garden. And he is a, I learned he's a border patrol officer. Oh my Lord. And he's going down to,

which explains like the military stuff. He's going down to, I think, Texas to work the border. And he was like, I think the kids in cages stuff is absolutely despicable. ICE is absolutely despicable. And I've wanted to quit so many times. But I had this moment where I'm like, there needs to be more people like me down there

who really care and want to change it from the inside. And at the time I was like, that's, I mean, thank you for your service. That's awesome. Truly learned everything about him while he continued to neg me, like all any response I had, he'd be like, OK, you're you're kind of weird is what I'm getting. Kind of that stuff, which is true.

He's like he he clocked it. Everything was meant to be true, but you just didn't like it. Yeah, no, he's like showing me stuff about myself. And then at the end of the date, we're like leaving, and he was like, so, you know, I leave tomorrow, it's my last night, do you wanna come back with me? And I was like, I had been pretty passive and like conflict diverse the whole day,

even though like things were like pinging for me the whole time, but I really was like, I'm gonna use, I'm gonna, for once today, I'm gonna advocate for myself. So I was like, I have to be honest and say, I don't think we really had chemistry. I didn't really have that much fun on the date. So I'm not interested in that.

Is that okay? And I specifically was like, is that okay? Cause I was nervous and we were like on the street. And he was like, no, it's not okay. And then he walked away, like went back to his truck. But, and then like when he went to his truck, is like the moment I realized I had never confronted him about him fully being 20 years older than he said he was.

I remember being glum and being like, I just wanna like have sex with someone stupid. But, and like get that out of my system. And I, in those moments, realized that I'm the stupid person in the equation who is to be having sex. No, it's true. And I should be killed. I'll never kill myself, but I will let someone do it. I will not fight them.

At Casey. Bad Dates. Bad Dates. Bad Dates. Casey, now I need to hear your story, your bad date. It wasn't with your mother, was it? So this is back in the day. I was in my late 20s, right?

Living around Bushwick, doing comedy, having fun, you remember. And this was my first time going on dates. I was a serial, what did you say, monogamist? You're gay. I was a monogamist. I was in two like five year relationships, back to back. That was all my dating history. And then I was let loose in New York City with all these wild gals. Whores. Whores. A bunch of whores in this town. I was let loose in New York City with all these wild gals. It was a lot. Of course. A bunch of whores in this town.

But I didn't really enjoy the whole casual thing and I always just wanted to be with somebody. So there's one girl, I don't know if you ever go on a first date with someone and it's like, I don't even know if it's the person or just like the moon and everything just lines up and it feels like perfect. And you're like, you know know, we're gonna have grandkids someday and they're telling your friends for some reason I want like this with this girl And then we had a second date and I don't know what like the magic wasn't there. It was weird Well, we guys on like drinking and are doing drugs. We were drinking the old. Yeah, we're drinking the whole time. Maybe drugs

I don't know That's just every day but um, we were definitely drinking the whole time. Maybe drugs, I don't know. That's just everyday. But we were definitely drinking the second time. I would not go on a day date, that's wild. Or a date in a restaurant. I never took a first date to a restaurant. I'm like, I don't know this person. You're not getting food, all right, we're gonna talk.

And then we can move on, all right? And I've gotta hide. I had an adult razor scooter, so I had to get there early to hide it before they got there. And also you had to get there early so you could like, the sweat would, you know, evaporate from your body. I do sweat a lot.

I do sweat a lot. So second date didn't go great. And at this point, I never, I was like four or five years in a standup, and I still don't like anyone I know watching my standup. It's very humiliating, and I definitely would not bring a date to a show ever. But this girl one-stopped, you know, pressing it, that she wanted to come to a show sometime. So I finally said yes, and I had a show at one of those,

the, what are they, the McCarran lofts or whatever, you know those like lofts in Bushwick, they're always, when they have shows in there, it's always like, it used to be super fun and wild, there's like cool young people, artists, and like there's like a punch bowl. And I was like, I'm bad old people. There's like a little people skating. Yeah, there's a skateboard ramp.

Halfpipe. Yeah, I remember John Cameron Mitchell. That's just me. He was that one right in the front row. I bombed so hard and he was just like a foot away from me. And it made me very sad because I like him a lot. John Cameron Mitchell. He's the guy that's his name, right, Patty? I think. Yeah, he was. like a foot away from me and it made me very sad because I like him a lot. John Cameron Mitchell. He's the guy, that's his name right Patty? Yeah, he was in Trill.

Oh, he's in Trill. He played my boss. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. He's great. Okay. So I, anyway, we go to the show, I'm like, this might be okay. We get in there and this is not like that at all. There's the host and his two roommates there and then like the four comics, those are the

only people there. And I'm like, this is going to suck. So, you know, she's sitting in the crowd and the guy hosting, he's a strange little guy. His name is Boo. I don't believe that was his real name. And he changed to a character. He was like a little comic guy, normal. And then all of a sudden he started wearing a leather jacket and call himself Boo.

And it was hard to tell what is a bit, what's not. But he's hosting the show. The first comic goes up, tries to do his material, but he's just bombing because it's basically only comics. You know, we've heard it all. The second guy goes up and he starts, like, just fucking around trying to make the comics laugh. So that goes way better. So we all start doing that. Just like fucking around.

I go up and I'm doing all this stuff. I'm like, pretending I'm going to jump out the window, all this stuff, whatever. And then... And the set is going good. People are laughing? The comedians are laughing. That's what most of the people in the room, so that's all I'm saying.

And then the host Boo gets up after me and he goes, you know, I didn't book you guys to fuck around with your friends, all right? I booked you to do your A material. Now you're gonna do, and while I say it, he pulls a knife out of his pocket, like a big fucking knife, and he's like, you're gonna do your A material.

And we're all kinda like- So Keefie, let me just, is this the person you're on a date with? No, sorry, this is the host, Boo. I'm not great at telling stories, I jump around a lot. My date, let me set the stage. My date's in the audience, here's Boo on stage, with a knife, and here's me.

Uh-oh, is this real? Is it not? And Boo is normal in the audience, here's Boo on stage, with a knife, and here's me. Uh-oh, is this real? Is it not? All right. And Boo is normal without the jacket, with the leather jacket. He's got the leather jacket, he's got the knife. It's a different, it's like an alter ego. It's a different Boo.

And I'm thinking maybe this is- This is his Sasha Fierce. I'm thinking maybe this is some weird bit that is not going well, but his roommate from the kitchen, who's not a comic, you know, not a bit person, she's like, yeah guys, honestly you're being pretty rude. Like he put a lot of work into this

and we're like, oh god, this isn't a bit at all. So. Did she have a knife? No, she didn't have a knife, but she was just, this is, we were comedians in our 20s, getting to a show, so none of us left. We all went up and did our sets, just scared for this man threatening us with a knife.

Right. And we were all just like- Did you go on another date with him? With who? No, I didn't. How did you meet him? We met at a dog fucking convention. Wait, so you're at the show.

Oh, I was at the show. Four people in the audience. You bring a date to the show. Yes, it was a bad idea. So we just, they're trying to make light of it, whatever you mean in the comic. But this guy, it's serious, he's mad the whole time. The tension is bad, weird.

So we finally get out of there when the show's over. It's very weird. We leave the comics, we were laughing about it, and I'm walking to the train with this girl, and she won't look at me or talk to me, and it's very strange. No. And then we get on the train finally and she looks up, she's like, what is wrong with you?

And I was like, I don't know. I mean, that wasn't a great show. I'm sorry. That kind of sucked. I was like, that's not my normal material. I swear. I guess. She's like, you know, it wasn't even like the knife stuff.

All that was crazy. But your jokes, she's like, you kept saying you were gonna kill yourself and all this fucked up stuff. And I was like, I was just like trying to make the comics laugh, I guess it was a little dark. I guess it went a little dark. She's like, it's not dark, it's sick. She's like, you're a sick person. She's like, you got a very dark aura about you.

I never saw this. And then on the train, we're in like the two seater thing. She gets up and like go walks to the other end of the train and there's like people in between and she's like hiding behind a pole. I try to like look at her and she's like, like as though I hit her and as though this pole, if I were going to hit her, this pole is not going to protect her. All right, but I'm not. You have a powerful punch. I've got a powerful punch. Can go through poles. I could kill any woman with one punch.

He can kill any woman with one punch. Yes. man. He can kill any woman with one punch. Yeah, so I have to ride seven stops with this girl. And the people getting on it looks like I just abused her. I'm just trying to like, like, meek because she's looking at me all terrified. Yeah, because everyone's looking at you like you're a murderer. Yes, I was looking at me like a murderer. I get off. I never see her again. But here's a key little story is that my future wife, Courtney McGinnis,

was a comedian on that show. So, yes. Oh. And you're making her laugh. I knew. Oh. The suicide attempts. I never dated a comedian.

Yes. She loves the suicide attempts. She still loves it to this day. But yeah, so I need a new gal that we laugh about this story someday, and I got her. So, it's great. I mean, your bad date actually kind of had a happy ending. It did, I'm sorry, yeah, it turned out. I didn't get come on my face, but I got threatened

with a knife. Happy endings, yeah. Yeah. Bad dates. Listen, we've made it to the final portion of the pod where listeners sent in stories and we are going to judge them before I let you go. Now I'm going to read the first line to each story and then at the end, you'll tell me which one you want me to actually read.

Go. Yes. Story number one. Here is my story called Butter Man. I love this. Yeah. Let's do this. This is great. I can't imagine it's going to get better than Butter Man. I love this. Let's do this. This is great. I can't imagine it's going to get better than Butter Man.

Number two. Is he gay? Do you think Butter Man's gay? Let's call this story Brown Downtown. Oh boy. Oh yeah. I want Butter Man, but I want, I don't know what you guys want. I bet you that has to do with poop.

It's probably gay person. Okay. And story number three So that means if you don't know if you don't pick number two your homophobic story number three This was girl on girl gone horribly wrong. Yeah, that's gay No, this is tough So butter man brown downtown or girl on girl gone wrong. Girl on girl gone wrong. What do you think? How could that have gone wrong?

These all sound like good options. I know they do. Butter man is the only one that I can't quite envision. So that's my most intrigued by it. But also- Butter man, I think. I give butter man. I'm guessing he uses the butter

as some kind of lube or maybe he's got a stick of butter. Fetish. Yeah, he's got a butter fetish. For a cock, his stick of butter for cock. So we're doing Butterman tonight. She thought it was a cock and it was butter. He's a baker. Is there another dog back there?

Oh, it's a cat. Oh my God, he put his penis in the oven, Sylvia Plast style, and there was some, and he didn't realize there was someone in the oven already who was gay, who was ready for their ass to pass. Patty, let me read this. Let me see. We're pushed into a gay piece of bread. She stole me out.

Okay. Here is my story called Butter Man. A couple years ago, I met this guy off Bumble. He was super into holistic medicine and alternative health treatments, which might have been a red flag, but I thought it was attractive. I gave him my address.

No, what? No, and he picked me up at my house. When he pulled up to the front, he looked at least 10 years older than his photos. Okay, Patty. Wait. And had long scraggly, a long scraggly ponytail and a long scraggly beard to match.

I don't think that's him. I like it. No, it's not the same guy. I got into the car and when I tell you it smelled so fucking bad. Like butter? Ugh, I gagged through my mask. Okay, so this is a period piece.

Okay. I gagged through my mask. He, so this is a period piece. Okay. I gagged through my mask. He asked me, oh, I'm so sorry. Does it smell bad in here? It reeked because this man stores his cheese collection in his car. What? Wow. This was also when I found out when he lived out of his car,

which is totally fine. I've done that. Just not- It's cool, It's fine. Just not exactly what I was looking for. But you weren't storing wheels of cheese in your house car, right? If I had them, I would, but that was obviously quite port of time.

Yeah, you wish, bitch. At this point, I'm trying to find any way to get away from this man, and he agrees to take me home. On the way back, he says he's feeling a little peckish and pulls a whole Costco-sized stick of butter from the back seat and starts to eat it whole. This is incredible. I'm watching a chunk of butter hang from the corner

of his mouth while he's trying to convince me that I need him in my life. Oh my God. I don't know what the fuck to say. And all I could think about was the chance I could beat this man in a fight, considering he's probably suffering from extremely high cholesterol.

I start giving him the, it's not you, it's me spiel because my survival instincts are finally kicking in. And he seems to accept that as he pulls into a grocery store instead of my home, this man goes in, this man goes in and I guess this person stays in the car, and walks out with packs of lamb chops and a whole carton of eggs. He cracks seven raw eggs into his shift knob

and into his mouth, what's a shift knob? Onto his shift knob. That's what you shift your car with, but I don't know how you shift. Oh, he cracks them was a shift knob. I'm sure you shift your car with. But I don't know. Oh, he cracks them on. He cracks them on the. OK. And that's road out. That's cool. That's fucking hot.

So seven raw eggs. I'm nodding as well. And keto people are fucking crazy. And into his mouth and explains to me that it's safe to store raw meat in your trunk in LA because it's cold enough in the winter. That is true. This is what he meant by keto, y'all. Butter and raw meat.

Anyways, he takes me home after and I never see him again. Oh man, that guy fucks like a goddamn king. She shouldn't have gotten in there. Imagine what it smells like. Oh, it doesn't, you're gonna like the smell. You're gonna like the smell after a while. You're gonna like the smell of the food. It's not just cheese, it's raw egg yolk drip

and meat in the trunk that she's been smelling this whole time. At the grocery store, like while he goes in, I think I would have just left the car and that's what I'm saying. I don't think I would have sat in a smelly car. I was waiting for the bad part of the day to start. Bad dates.

Let people who are listening know where they can see you, catch you if you have something coming up. Let's start with you, Casey. Hi, you can find me at Casey J. Salengo on all platforms. I recorded a comedy special. I think I'm going to call it Welcome to the Jungle. And I don't know when it comes out because I'm not sure how this works. I got a podcast with my wife called I Love You, But Your Music Sucks.

We've got opposite music tastes and we try to convince each other to like each other's music. It's very fun. We did Kesha and Jimmy Buffett this week. Thank you. Kesha and Jimmy Buffett. Yeah, I'm Jimmy Buffett. Are you Kesha and she's- I'm Jimmy Buffett, she's Kesha.

Okay, interesting. Patty, let people know where we can see your huge tits huge. So my huge tits huge ellipses show is going to be at the Soho Theater in London from May 24th, I think, to June 14th. And then I'll be at the Edinburgh Fringe for the first two weeks, which I believe is July 31st through August 13th, 12th or 13th, 14th maybe even. We love that. Also I will say, my first run, I did a show there, I've done a couple runs there and my first time I went,

I saw Hugh Grant on the street. There's nothing more British than seeing Hugh Grant on the street. Except for maybe seeing all the Spice Girls at like Starbucks or something. Yeah, oh my God, and they're getting like physical, they're in an altercation with Hugh Grant Veronica where can people catch you see you hear you follow you follow me you could follow me at

Veronica V E R O N I K A Underscore is cool I am Going on a tour. I'm like kind of going around. I'll be at Netflix is a Joke festival. Great. And I have a couple of shows in LA and San Diego and San Francisco and Philadelphia and Pittsburgh. I'm looking at my calendar and Toronto and Atlanta and listen to my podcast, Nevermind on Spotify and everywhere and watch it on YouTube.

Oh my God, you guys are so busy. Yeah, I've got shows everywhere too, all over the world. Maureen, you're hosting a podcast and you're going to London next week. Yeah, this week, oh my God. And I host a dating game show every month called Why Are You Single. You know, just find me on Instagram or find me here.

Bad Dates, the podcast. Anyway, as always, thank you guys for listening to Bad Dates and thank y'all for telling good stories about terrible dates. Love it, bye. Bad Dates is produced by Smartless Media and Wondery. Created by Robert Cohen. Executive producers are Robert Cohen and Stuart Bailey.

Produced by Anne Harris and Devin Torrey Bryant. Engineered and edited by Devin Torrey Bryant and Kyle McGraw. Talent producer is Anne Harris. Associate producer is Maddie McCann. Executive producers are Will Arnett, Sean Hayes and Jason Bateman. Executive producers for Spartless Media are Richard Corson and Bernie Kaminsky. Music by Kushy and Eben Schledder.

If you've had a Bad Date, please share it with us at 984-265-3283 or write us at baddatespod at gmail.com. We would love to hear all about it. That's all for this week. We'll be back next week for more. Bad Dates. Smart.

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