Bad Dates with Jameela Jamil - Keep It Slick (w/ Heather McMahan, Adam Ray, and Stacy Traub)

Episode Date: May 22, 2023

On this episode of Bad Dates, Jameela welcomes comedians Heather McMahan (Bone, Marry, Bury, Love Hard), Adam Ray (American Vandal, Good On Paper), and Stacy Traub (Black-ish, The Real O’Neals) to discuss their most iconic dating fiascos. Heather tells us about the banker who hankered to keep it slippery, Adam ponders a literal and metaphorical open door, then Stacy’s "Gorilla Time" leads her to a low point on the high seas. If you’ve had a bad date you’d like to tell us about, our number is 984-265-3283, and our email is [e-mail], we can’t wait to hear all about it.You can find ticket information for Heather McMahan’s The Comeback Tour on HeatherOnTour.com. Adam Ray appears in Young Rock, Welcome to Chippendales, and you can find tickets for his upcoming shows on AdamRayComedy.com. And Stacy Traub is a writer and co-executive producer on Daisy Jones and the Six, streaming on Amazon.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Hello, Prime members. You can listen to bad dates early and add free on Amazon music. Download the app today. My dating past prior to that, you know, raised by a single mom. So, you know, she gave me a couple pointers going into the, you know, the dating circuit like don't, you know, when you hug a girl with big boobs and they press up against you Don't don't say mm-hmm good, wow, she told me that. She said, uh, she said, I would have absolutely loved that. I'd see a fuck I know well. Yeah. Bad dates. Hello and welcome to Bad Date, to podcast that celebrate the absolute fucking disasters that we can all face on the road to love to shagging or both. I'm Dmitry Jamel, I'm your host and I'm inviting some of my favorite people to

discuss their most iconic dating clusterfucks. Now we've all had them, it doesn't matter how hot, smart, tall, short, funny, rich you are and if you don't think that you've had a bad date, maybe that's just because you're someone else's and you haven't considered it. So while I watch the blood drain out of all of my guest faces, let's introduce them. So we have three excellent funny guests today. We are so happy to welcome comedian and actress Heather McMahon, who's traveling the country with the comeback tour. She's been in Netflix movie Love Hard and hosts the podcast absolutely not. Hello Heather. We also have comedian and actor Adam Ray joining us. Adam has been in a million things including young rock, hacks and welcome to Chip and Dales. And we welcome the very

funny writer and producer Stacey Trawb, whose credits include Blackish, Glee and Trophy Wife. Her new Amazon show is Daisy Jones in the 6th. Hi guys, thanks for being here. Hi, that's her happiness. I'm here for Heather. Heather's my spirit animal. So right back at you Adam. I just like to start with Heather. I want to ask you, before we hear your story, what's it like to date you, Heather? Like, if you're being honest, it's fucking shit today. It's fucking shit today. Okay. All right. Wow. Didn't know I needed to take a trans. I'm coming in the hot. I like that. What's it like to date me. Okay, all right, wow. Didn't know I needed to take a trash dump.

I'm coming in the hall. I like that. What's it like to date me? Well, here's the thing. I am recently married. So my early dating years were like the formative like college years. You know, when you thought you were gonna like date this person

and end up with them for life and you look back and you're like, I got, thank fucking God, I got out of their relationship. But what it was like dating me in my early 20s, cheap drunk, you know what I mean? Like I put out often and easy, so that was fun. It was always fun for the other person. I think I have more trauma from it,

but I was like, you know, I was solid, a solid eight and a half out of 10, would you say? Yes, you took me to an outback steakhouse and like, you know, I would, I would definitely give you a BJ for sure. So I think it was great for everybody on the other side. That's great.

That is the opposite of me. For me, it was like an Olympic training marathon where I put you through three months of hanging out with me before I leave and kiss you. So it really did like weed out the the week or people who had self respect or like a job, you know, Because I have no self respect. So that's also a great reminder. It's zero self respect. We should have They did each other exactly my vibe. Yeah And Adam, how would you say it is to date you? You know, so also recently married as of a couple months ago Couple red flags already.

She's addicted to Citizens app. I don't know if you guys know what this app is. Wait, is this the one that tells you about all the terrible things that are happening in your neighborhood? Yeah, it's basically just giving you the heads up on the guys that dress like Jack Sparrow that are stealing coin star machines from the grocery store. And like, you know, sometimes you'll be like,

there's a guy in a tree with his, we buck naked holding a machete. And she's like, can you go see what he wants? And I'm like, I's a guy in a tree with his, we buck naked holding a machete and she's like, can you go see what he wants? And I'm like, I think a guy in a tree with his cock out holding a sword at three in the morning, already has his night played out, babe. But yeah, for sure, all step up and be the man of your dreams. Stacy, how's the love life? What's it like?

Um, I was basically like a serial monogamous, kind of all through high school, college, moving out to LA, and then I was married. I would say my dating career really happened in a two year period between my ex-husband and my now husband, and I got quite a lot done, which is why I call it guerrilla time, which I'll explain when I talk about, when I talk about my bad deed.

I can't wait to find out more. Oh my goodness. Yeah. Bad dates. Bad dates. Heather, let's just get going because these stories sound like they're going to be fantastic. Yours is sexily titled Body Oil. Yes, Body Oil, Baby Oil.

It's how I went from being a southern bell to covered head to toe in Baby Oil on Canal Street. Okay. So I, consens. Okay, so I, consensually though, so let's just dive right in. When I moved to New York, I was like, fresh out of college. I just moved from the University of Mississippi, so I went from Mississippi to New York City doing comedy.

And my mom, and I thought it, like this guy that I dated in college was a little bit heartbroken about, but I knew I was never gonna like move to the coast of Mississippi and like be a brat. Like that was not for me, you know? So I was chasing my dreams in the big apple, but my mom told me I was like, Mom, how do I date like, you know, after being in college?

She said go down to basically Wall Street, dress like you're going to the Kentucky Derby and have a map that makes shows that you're lost and just stand outside of Wall Street and see if you can pick up a hot like finance guy. You know, my mom is still in that age, was she's like, you know, the men make all the money kind of like. So I'm down on Wall Street. I feel like I've seen this pool now. Yeah, yeah.

And I'm down there. Literally. Money shot. Yeah. Hair sorority blown out. I'm dressed like I'm one of the Kentucky Derby. I'm standing outside like the biggest take-house down there, like right at the corner of Wall Street. And I'm like, I'm so lost. I know what she does. She does it. I'm dressed like I'm one of the Kentucky Derby. I'm standing outside of the biggest stake house down there, like right at the corner of Wall Street.

And I'm like, I'm fine. No, she does a stake house. Go on. I am so lost. It's one o'clock. I know they're going to lunch. It's a whole vibe. In a meeting this guy, anyways.

Oh my God, that's weird. It works. It fucking works. It works. I tell all women who are newly single, stand outside of Wall Street. If you want to deal with a finance guy or the Delta Sky Club on like a Friday at like 10 a.m. because that's when people are jet setting. Do you know what I mean? Right. You know, in the middle of the week, like a Wednesday Sky Club is not going to be as profitable

as a Monday morning or Friday morning. But how do you strike the balance of like how to look like? Because I feel like I'm so poor at this sort of thing that I would, I would look like I'd freshly escaped a sort of mental institution, like I would look, I'm worried I would overdo the looking lost. Are you just sort of, you know what I mean? I feel like I'd go full girl interrupted, you know? Yeah, but your accent coming out of a mental institution, escaping, is like a lot like less demonstrative than a fight came out and was like,

ah, where's the Arby's? You know, like, so I don't think you have a tough time with that. Okay. But I go on a date with this guy and everything I think is just totally fine, right? I'm like, okay, he's a little bit older. It's fine. I can handle it. He's purchasing everything. Takes me to a nice dinner and so we're living it up. We're having a couple drinks, but there's just little like inkllings this entire day that I realize he might be a sociopath, right? Just like, he kept talking about his trust fund, but he didn't have a good relationship with his family.

And that's always kind of a ticker for me, like listen, we all a family drama, but there was something about he just kept talking about his trust fund from his step dad. It was his step dad. And when anybody ever brings up their step parent, you know, like, you know that one girl in high school always had a bad relationship,

her name was Brittany. She always hated her step mom, Kathy. You know what I mean? And you do a wellness check on Brittany now. She's not well. Like that bitch is not well. So I started to get a little worried about the trust phone with the step dad.

So for a second, I'm like, maybe this isn't really his money, you know? Anyways, long story short, I'm like, all right, have a couple drinks. He's still pretty cute. I'm like, you know, I'll go back of drinks. He's still pretty cute. I'm like, I'll go back to his place. He lives in this old chocolate factory that was in these insane apartments in New York.

So he had the entire floor, which was this old chocolate factory. So being 22, right I didn't push you tailed, looking for a sugar daddy. I come up this elevator. Literally sugar daddy. Literally sugar daddy. In a chocolate factory. He likes that. Literally sugar daddy. In a joggo factory. The doors open and I'm just like, okay, we've, you know,

we've made it, we've struck gold, we've made it big. We end up, you know, looking up. Where would the doors open? Was there any song and dance like, well, come, head, you're gonna. This guy doesn't have daddy. I got a good one. It was weird because he had those, I didn't believe it. This guy doesn't have daddy. I got a good one. Cheers.

Yeah. It was weird because he had those, where are those candies, the gold ones and they have a hazelnut, the rosé candy. The rosé. Yeah, yeah. He did, it was kind of like he was feeding a piglet. Like if you have like bowls of candy out or something or not, like I love a warmed mix nut, I'm going to eat it.

And they were just everywhere in this chocolate factory. And I'm just like, wolfing this down. Foming at the mouth. Yeah, I'm half covered in chocolate. We start hucking up for whatever. It's fine. All right. And you know, he's like, let me give you a massage.

The next thing I know, I've processed this. I've worked through it. I am now covered head to toe in baby oil. There is a just a bottle of like baby oil on the side of the bed. And bed and it's down my hair. It's on my, like I'm just covered. What do you mean, what, sorry, did you just say the next thing you know,

you're confident? The next thing I know. Yeah. You passed out for a couple minutes. Hi. Was there something in the Ferrara Rache Heather that we need to discuss off your cook costs maybe? Here's the thing.

I've processed it. I do think I set myself up for this situation. Like, you know, it was like a heavy petting, but it was just, no, he said the next step was, let me rub your shoulders. Okay, they weren't, they weren't roofie almonds. I said, no, no, I wasn't like down and then I woke up four hours later, covered.

Okay, covered. Yeah. So he goes straight for the massage, which I'm like, all right, I'm literally over the couch now. I'm over the couch. And there's just a bottle as big as the Stanley Cup. Are you bent over the couch?

Is that what you mean? I've bent over the couch. Your knees are on the seat part and then your body is like, yes. And I'm like, okay, maybe like, you know, you can't do like a little roll off the couch. Like maybe we're just trying to get a justice. Like, no, no, no, let me rub your shoulders. Then pulls out a giant thing of body oil. To me was baby oil, you know what I mean?

It was, that's what it was. To me. Also red flag if that's just already in the living room. Do you know what I mean? Where the fuck did that come from? Yeah, we're at high tide. The sharks are fucking out. All of the flags are right.

So like chocolates and oils everywhere. Chocolate's an oil, but then again, like, I took a second, I was like, all right, this is weird. But then again, I took a second. I was like, all right, this is weird. We're getting a rub down very quickly. But then I'm looking around and like, but I am in a chocolate factory. You know what it means? Sure, you can't be surprised.

Yeah. Can't be surprised. Also, it was kind of like sweet charity where you're like, this is healthy. The half-lifts, like, you know, I mean, like, you're, you're unsure of. I was thinking, it's a hard enough life in my mind the whole time. I have little orphan Annie. She has made it out. Also, isn't this just like consistent with dating at the stage where you're like,

you're given a lot of benefit to the doubt of like, who doesn't have baby oil? This guy's actually prepared. But also I would love it if Heather like has taken that through the rest of her life. And now like, she's got baby oil in her cow in like her living room because she's made it made a lot of money now. So this is how I'll be. This is how the other half. I keep it slick and slippery now.

Okay. So I'm thinking, I'm with an older man. He is, oh my God, it's about my needs first. Sure. So at first I'm into it. But then when the giant bottle of oil, it just starts rushing down my head. It's all over me.

So he goes head first, he goes head first. Head first. And goes through your hair. So he goes head first, he goes head first, and goes through your hair, is this might through your Southern blowout? Yeah, and bitch, you know how long I sat in hot rollers. You know, and this is not real blonde. You know what I mean? I can already just feel like the fall-aids

like just stripping my hair. But it takes a second when somebody puts oil on your head. It takes a second. I just felt it on my back first. It took another like 30 seconds before I feel it rolling down my face. Oh God. Do you think this was his call or do you think he had a buddy that was like Troy, dude? I'm telling you, start at the top, squeeze it, let it cover the fucking head and drip

to the toes. It sounds like I'm in guns at the Nickelodeon Awards. Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Literally it was GAC. What did they call that? They're like the slime. I was guns to the Nickelodeon awards. Okay. Literally it was gacked. What did they call that? They're like the slime. I was slime. The Nickelodeon awards.

And honestly, the age difference, I'm sure it was like, it was fucking creamy. But again, I keep my eye on the prize. I'm like, all right, this is weird. He's into it. And I was like, oh, it's on my head. Okay, that's enough. And I like awkwardly like try and roll out of it. But it then started being a good massage.

And here's the thing, if you know what this is about me, I let anybody rub my shoulders. Like, you could be a line cook at Panda Express. If you got a little cooking oil, you can hit the L7. You know what I mean? I have a backpack. I don't care.

I get massages everywhere I go. I will let anybody rub me. So I was kind of into it. Next thing you know, though, full body covered head to toe, every inch, every acrylic nail, everything body covered head to toe. Every inch, every acrylic nail, everything is covered head to toe and baby oil. I go along with the evening, end up having a fairly decent time,

but at about 4 a.m., I'm laying in this man's bed, and I'm like, I gotta get the fuck outta here. I look over, he's like in a deep snore. I realize he's too old for me. Like, I gotta fucking bounce. Would you know what it's like to put on clothes after you've now been covered head to toe and baby oil? It's fucking awful. Very easy, no? Oh really?

Well, you think it's just sliding right in, yeah. You think it's slide right in? It's a sticky situation and I'm trying to put my heel. So I'm now walking out of this guy's apartment, trying to catch the elevator without waking him up. And you know, the elevator is going to be a thing. Oh, no, so is it, is that you're shoe making that sort of, you know, when you put like a wet foot or a freshly moisturized foot into a heel, it sounds like a queep every time you step. So it's wet fart. I am queeping all over the place. I'm queeping my way to freedom. Naturally, I stole a handful of the chocolate on my way out. So I go downstairs. It's not like 4.50 in the morning. I've escaped. And I realize I got to get home, but there's like no cabs running, okay? I see one cab sitting in front of this Popeyes, all right?

There's an infamous Popeyes on Canal Street. I bang on the door, my shoes are my hand. I'm literally slit, covered head to toe, shiny. And no point does this baby oil get taken off. I like, listen dude, I desperately need you to take me. He's like, I'm not running. I'm like, please take me up town. $40 cash, take me up town.

He's like, what the fuck are you covered in? I go, don't ask questions. And I slid in the back of this guy's cab, paid him $40 cash and he took me back to my apartment. I had realized at some point I was like, oh, this is it. Like Adam said it earlier, you know, like I picked up, I was like, this is the kink. It is, it's, this is gotta be what he does to everybody. And I just couldn't live that.

Do you think he just sort of wants to shack a wet fish? Probably. Yeah. What do we think? Is it an eel? Does he want to be his eel? Like, probably. And I have really bad exema, so I can already feel the flare up coming.

You know what I mean? The skin was getting hot. Did you say that during, was that some dirty talk? Hey, my exema's flaring up. Take it down or not. Let me tell you right now that patchy skin behind my ass is going to get real hot. I always get really confused because they're like during sex. Do you like sort of slip and slide all over each other?

Like it's like hazardous, no. You can't even open flame. There's a time that plays for that. Yeah, do you have a will? Guys, he had no will. What he did was... Oh, God, Jesus Christ! When I lay down, he then laid on top and, you know what I mean?

Sling rubbed himself. It was a quick shit thing. But to use you, it was like a lufa, just sort of, I was able to go into him. Yeah, I was a slip and slide, like just a slip and slide, yes. I wanted to say, like, I think I've blocked a lot of it out.

The dirty talk was not as alarming because as he was like taking the loob and putting it over every fingertip, I kind of was just like, what is happening here? You know what I mean? Like, I mean, he could have been, you know, saying duck duck goose and I would have been like. At the point in which someone's like

looming up my hands, I'd be like, do you want me to put, is this gonna have to go up something like? And I did ask at some point, I'd be like, do you want me to put, is this gonna have to go up something like? And I did ask at some point, I said like what, you know, why so wet, why so slippery? And he was just, what did he say? He was just gonna say I'm gonna rub you down.

I was like, okay, great, like just sit here. Did you report back to your mom? I sure did. She's like, then my makeup was smeared everywhere. The hair was wet and I was like, this can't be attractive for him. Let me ask you this, if he had suggested, right? And this is where my dude brain goes and maybe it's premature.

But like, if it is too messy, do you suggest like, oh, do you need to shower it off or should we shower it off? Is that exciting or is that too early? I definitely think, I mean, at some point. I don't feel like boundaries are a thing in this case. I don't like he's gone straight from like, he's poured a popular baby all open, taken the cap off, like not even using the little squarety bit and just poured it down her scalp like I don't.

But no Adam, there was never a suggestion to be there was never like you want to hit the shower. I've got a hot foot shower in the back of my chocolate factory. Don't forget to take it ever after God stop. Never say yes to a hot-foot shower. Never. Never. No. All right.

We will be back with more bad dates after this. Bad dates. Hello listeners, Jimmy LeHear. I wanted to let you know about a new show from Smartness Media and Wondery called Just Jack and Will. It is the ultimate Will and Grace rewatch podcast. Sean Hayes and Eric McCormack, who starred as Will and Jack, will be watching the whole series from the beginning, and it turns out that while Eric has seen the show many, many times, Sean has somehow never watched his own sitcom.

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Episodes are available one week early, and add free on Wondery Plus. Follow and subscribe to it now. And we're back. Okay, Adam, while I still recover from Heather's story, can you please tell me the story behind plus one? Sure. It's a great tale. It takes us back to Seattle, Washington, where I'm born and raised.

And we're looking at 2009, okay? I'm about two years into stand-up comedy. And I went back once. One year after the big economic crash. Great. The times were exciting. Put it in the timeline. Thank you.

That's imperative for the story. People need to know that everyone was running on hard times. Yeah. Feel the plot points, even more so. This is your show clearly. So everyone's just looking to step out and have a good time. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, messages and people coming to shows and whatever. So do the show in Seattle and get a message that night. Oh great, great show. Like it was really funny.

And I was like, oh, thanks. Did you like my Fulger's coffee bit? And yeah, I don't drink that, but it was like, get it. It's at the best part of waking up. And so what do you want to maybe, what are you doing tomorrow? Oh, I, my shows were done do you want to maybe, what are you doing tomorrow? Oh, I, I, um, shows were done tonight. I loved to meet up. So at this place, there was a lucky strike, right?

Well, bowling, all that. And so we go down there and meet up in my buddy, my, my opener was with me and, and, and we go down and she's not there for a bit. I was running late, but then she hits me up and goes, my friends are all there. Um, there are a lot of fun. So, lot of fun, so get to know them or whatever. So right out of the gate, again, I'm just like, woohoo, this is gonna get crazy. Again, there's no prep for extra people

for the escapades, but that's when my head went immediately, which is very dude like, oh dude, this is about to be fun. Well, is it like Orgy? Is that what you're thinking? That's when my brain went. I was like, you were in my name, she's about to be. Well, it's like, orgy. It's not what you're thinking. That's where my brain went. I was like, you were imagining, she's got like six supermodel friends

who are at the, who are all like, looking for bowling tips. All looking for bowling tips, some sort of tip, and they, they were all looking to, to have a good time. And so with you, with me, I guess, yes, that's how it seemed like she was phrasing it. And so we get there, and they're all pretty drunk and pretty annoying but also I'm just like

I'm a good people person and I'm like you know she see you know from the pick and uh because I hadn't met her at the show he hit me up after and I you know she seemed real sweet and and um just again giving benefit of the doubt I'm like I want to make a good impression with the friends I feel like that pays dividends for when she shows up. You're like, he's so nice. And I'm like, yeah, and like, what's, you know. I really admire your long game. All right.

Yeah, sure, yeah. I mean, I just feel like it's the move in general, right? And so we're hanging out. They're fine. And we're all shooting the shit. And then she's like, we have a we have a tab, go grab something. So I go and the bartender tells me, hey man, I've told them many times their card is declined. And I was like, oh, I was like, well, let me just step up to the plate here and do the cool

guy move. I go, just put him on my card. That's fine. Not thinking it's too much. Wait for it. And so then she shows up. The girl that had shot me a message. And I was very pumped and she's walking through.

And as she's walking through, you know, very pretty and very pregnant. And very pregnant. Oh man, she's rolling to a lucky strike slash club with her friends who were fucking hammered, baboom, baby full. And so I don't know how you react. I definitely tried to like, I didn't just go like,

oh baby, I just, I probably felt it behind the eyes. I was just, I was like, hey, like how do you, there's no prep for that. You don't just, you can't go, huh. Yeah. So I was a little taken aback and I waited for her to, she goes, yeah, sorry, I didn't say anything and I was like, yeah, I couldn't tell from the picture you didn't bring it. But also, how do you bring that up?

Like can I bring my baby? I don't know, like I'm gonna, yeah, I don't really know. Yeah. So, so I'm like good. And she's real sweet. And then she started to, you know, flirt pretty hard. And I'm just, again, now I'm just, this kind of middle ground of like, fuck, I don't, like, I don't, I merely go to like, I'm not ready to be a dad. We're just probably like jumping to dude conclusions, which is a great name for a spin-off pod. But, so I'm trying to be like as neutral and fun as possible.

And my buddy there is like, post me a sign and he's like, what the fuck? He's like, dude, a bored situation. And I was like, yeah, I- That's a poor choice of words. We'll be right back. We'll keep be right back. We'll keep right back. We'll keep right back. Uh, so, uh, so he's like, dude, this is not, uh, no bueno, like whatever. And then I was like, dude, you're just being a hater and a cock block and he goes, dude,

she thinks I'm being a cock block. She's already pulled me to the side three times and said, hey, like, can you get the fuck out of here? Like, I'm trying to get with Adam and like, and he's my good buddy. And we just were having a good time. So we're mixing it up. We're bowling and she's like, but she's like, dude, she's like telling me the like, can you get the fuck out of here? Like, I'm trying to get with Adam and like, and he's like, good buddy, we just were having a good time. So we're mixing it up, we're bowling, and she's like, he's like, dude, she's like telling me to like, to fucking bounce, like that I'm getting in the way

of like her trying to hook up, and I was like, fuck dude, I don't even know if that is on the table at this point. I'm like, I can't. Well, it's something like, you've got to wonder, like, is there, where's the dad? You know what I mean? Or you're like, are you together? Like, what's happened?

Like, also, I don't know, there's like, yeah, I get it. I love that there you together? Like what's happened? Like also, I don't know. There's like, I get it. I love that there's an uncertainty here. He's like, well, I'm not sure what this is gonna go. Like that is, this is like, Konic. Go. I don't know. It's the first time for everything,

but like when you haven't, I'd never been with a pregnant woman before so that this was new territory. Right. They're like, hey, let's go back to my place. You know, when a friend's gonna come over and my buddy was talking to one of her friends and we were like, on, let's go back to my place. You know, and her friends were gonna come over. My buddy was talking to one of her friends and we were like on the fence

about even continuing the hang at this point, but you know, she's like, we got a bunch of weed. My roommate grows it and we have our cady games in our place and whatever and we got for whatever. She just made the night sound like more fun. And I was like, you know what? Let's at least like keep it rolling. I didn't feel right ending it.

And at one point, and this is kind of what she tugged at the hard strings. You also don't want to make a pregnant woman feel like shit, right? Yeah. And so I was like, all right, let's all go back. We go back. First of all, I go close out of the bar. Over $300 in drinks.

Boom. Fuck. From the friends. And just fucking swiped it and was just like, hey, I don't need that avocado know, that avocado at Subway. And so, so we go back to... They use our expenses. They use our expenses.

Yeah, it's good practice. So we go back to our place and arcade, weed, food. And this is where, what titled the story plus one in multiple ways. You got the baby that was an unexpected plus one. And her roommate is done, done, done, done. Her baby daddy. And so he creeps me and he was so nice. And we walk in and we're all hanging out.

And she was still super flirty and I'm super uncomfortable. And we got. Is she being flirty in front of him? Oh yeah. And now I'm thinking I'm like on some hidden camera show or something. Yeah, he. Yeah, he.

Now I'm just going into like fuck dude about it. To catch a predator. Yeah, we went, oh we went thousand percent. Yeah, to catch a baby daddy. And so my buddy is like, dude, I don't like this whatever. He's like, he does have NBA jam. So maybe we should play a couple games and then bounce. So we're kind of all kicking it and getting along.

And then we start playing some NBA jam. She's flirting. She's like now taking the flirting from like light petting to heavy petting. Now she's like on my arm. She's like giving me back rubs with no baby oil. Yeah. Starting to like neck me and stuff. And now I'm in this position where it's like we're all there. And the guy, it was almost like is it's it's cuckling right? That's the term where it's like people are like he's like watching in the corner of his eye, almost like, like this was like a part of the plan where it was like, bring me home, do stuff,

he's watching, I'm very proud of that. No, I'm very nervous, is what I'm, it's, no, I'm very, very comfortable. And so, always very into it. And so then when he and I start playing NBA jam, and then he just stops when boys and goes, Hey dude, like a really, like you're good dude. Like, and gives me like a fucking man to men talk he goes, he goes dude to dude, like, like she really digs you. Like I'm, I'm in full support. This is after by the way,

maybe like 80 minutes of hang, right? I don't think this guy, no boundaries. I don't think this guy knows my last name or my second favorite color and he's already being like, dude, you're much choice. And then look over, by the way, my buddy, full on make out with a couple of the girls. So he's having the time of his life, my opener. And so now, by the way, I'm. I mean, it's not a fun group by the sound of things. Not a fun group, not a fun group. And so now you're thinking to yourself, oh, so Adam, you throw out the cocoa thing,

like was this like, was it just kind of like, oh, you, you, a good guy date whatever? No, no, no, then there was a room where he was like, hey man, whenever you like want to like fucking like 1000% of whatever. Like, like, yeah, like he's like, dude, you got my, you got my blessing based. No. And, well, this is a version of an orgy, which is what you thought beginning sure and I was like, hey man, like I fucking I gotta make my mom breakfast at eight and I mean, I was like search for excuse. I'm like, I'm in a halo tournament. It's overseas

I fucking there's a subdued goo that I. I told myself I'd finished by the new year. And so I'm just looking for ways to get out of this. How sorry, how many fucking hours were you with all these people? Probably total like two and a half to three. I will say it was, it was a good couple hours into it before like the door was open literally and figuratively to like, hey, there's the pregnant sex room. And, but it was a sign on the floor.

I wish you would have done it. I know, I know, I know, I know. I'm really sad. You don't know. I'm sad, you do. Okay. Definitely a little bit of like, man, probably should have done it. Probably should have done it.

Not only for him, but like she, I could tell she sometimes she's going to get it. Need it. Need it. Yeah. What a wild girl. I always feel so like amazed and kind of oddly proud of humans when they are so fucking bold in their expectations of strangers. Do you know what I mean?

We've just heard two stories of two people who really put their fucking freak out there in a way that I don't know if I would ever have the balls to do. By the way, let's not skip over the fact that he said we'd an NBA jam and I was like, yeah, we'll come over for a little bit. That's how it took. That's how it took. I mean, all in all, it sounds like you had a pretty

fantastic night, just with a little bit of quite scary sexual harassment. A couple of fans, yeah. Yeah. Couple new followers, yeah. A fun time fan. I love me. Who will murder you in that?

That man is gonna murder you in that. Cause I know who's gonna murder me, but like this guy's eventually with you. Yeah, if Adam goes missing, we'll know to head straight to his dear. Well, you did it. Yeah. You know where to go.

You did ask me what my liver tasted like, and that was a little, that was kind of like a, Yeah. Let's joke. All right, what at that end? Yeah, what? Yeah.

Yeah. I'm so glad that that didn't take her wrong turn and you were able to like pull that shit back. And still wingman your friend. What a legend, you're a legend, Adam. Yeah, I stuck around. Yeah, let's not skip over that. Well, fucking played. No, I'm not fucking played. All right, more bad things.

He passed away last night, but yeah. Well, more bad dates right after this. Bad dates. We're more bad dates right after this. Raising kids can be one of the greatest rewards of a parent's life. But come on, someday, parenting is unbearable. I love my kid, but is a new parenting podcast from Wondry that shares a refreshingly honest and insightful take on parenting. Hosted by myself, Megan Galey, Chris Garcia, and Kurt Brownauer, we will be your resident not-so-expert-expert.

Each week we'll share a parenting story that'll have you laughing, nodding, and thinking. Oh yeah, I have absolutely been there. We'll talk about what went right and wrong. What would we do differently? And the next time you step on yet another stray Lego in the middle of the night, you'll feel less alone. So if you like to laugh with us as we talk about the hardest job in the world, listen to, I love my kid, but wherever you get your podcasts.

You can listen ad free on the Amazon Music or Wondery app. And we're back. Stacy, you have a story called Gorilla time. Given what I've heard already today, I now can't imagine where this is going. I know I'm starting to get nervous that I'm actually the freak in the story, but let's see how I go. Yeah, so gorilla time is the time when you're divorced and you basically, you're not really thinking straight and you just do whatever the fuck you want. So you'll fuck whoever you want, you eat whatever you want, you do things that might not be safe. Because you become the embodiment of that like really famous photograph of Nicole Kidman,

straight after she walked out of her divorce from Tom Cruise. Do you know the one I'm talking about where she's like looking up and her eyes are closed into the sun and her hands are like a fist acclent to be freedom. That's you in the moment. Ultimate freedom. Yeah. OK. So I'm kind of going through that time. And then weirdly, my sister was going through a divorce the exact same time as me. So we decided we would meet in New Orleans.

All I really wanted was, this is going to sound so quaint. But I just wanted a guy to buy me a drink. Because in my life, I'd never had a guy buy me a drink and it seemed fun and free and whatever. So we go to this bar and this guy comes up and he starts kind of hitting on my sister and says, can I buy you a drink to her? And I'm there and I say, you can if you buy one for me too, because this is important to me. And I'm not trying to get in the way. I'm not into this guy, but I'm like,

I want to fulfill this goal. So he's like, actually, I'll buy you a drink, but my friends over there, maybe you should go talk to him. I'm gonna talk to your sister. And I'm like, okay, that's fine. So I go and I start chatting with this guy. And you have to understand like, when I was in grill a time, like if a dude

stepped foot in my house, we had sex. Like there was no, there were no rules. Like there was no, it was on. That's the hang of it. It's like two years of the hang of it. Yeah, it was a two-year also because my ex had cheated on me and I was really out for revenge. There were some people I hooked up with that I knew he knew. So I was like, he didn't even back to him. How close? Like that? No, like a couple degrees, no, no, no, no, no. Like a friend, like a friend of a friend, like a friend of a friend.

Okay. Who was a model? So I thought that was extra good. Anyway. Hell yeah, I really want to see the movie of this. Go on. Well, yeah, I'm working on it. So anyway, I start chatting with the guy.

He ends up, we end up hitting it off, and I go back with the guy to his hotel. And we hook up, but we don't, I think we do everything but have sex, and it's getting late, and I have a plane to catch. So I end up doing this like walk a shame through New Orleans, you know, back to the hotel. Which again, it's super exciting for me because I've never done a walk a shame. So I'm like super into it. Like obviously no one knew me, but it felt good. I go home.

I was gonna say, can I ask what you walk a shame? Like is there pep in your step? Do you grab like a continental breakfast on the way out or are you like, or are you just like, or? Yeah, I was like, this is all like, it's how we're the fame really in this mode. Yeah, there it is. She's loving it.

Yeah, yeah. Like I got a drink, I hooked up with a stranger. Like not thinking any of this is unsafe. I have small children at home. I'm just like, I did it guys. Big fan. Yeah, I'm imagining again that someone, you know, I'm being filmed and it's all going to be so nice.

I was going to say, I feel very main I'm being filmed and it's all going to be so nice. I was going to say, I feel very main character. Yeah, it's all my character. Wait, please, please tell me you looked like into like the security came in the lobby, the hotel before you walked out and went. Yeah, yeah, totally. The wings thumb up.

Right, okay, so then we end up staying and touch me in this guy. And he is like, hey, would you ever want to hang out again? And he lives in Minnesota or something, I'm in LA. And I was like, yeah, but I don't know how that's going to work. And he goes, well, what if I came to LA and we went away for a weekend? So again, I'm going to do everything. It's guerrilla time.

So I'm like, yeah, sure, I'll do that. It's also nice review of the first shack. Do you know what I mean? Now someone wants to weekend with you. It's like ghost agency. Yeah, I was like, okay, this is cool. And again, I'm trying to like get a roster going and all of that. So I say yes. And he goes, how about the crews? No. And that's that's bad. That is bad. That is red flag. Yeah, you lost the crews. No. And that's that's bad. That is bad. That is red flag. Yeah, you lost the crowd.

Okay. Oh, yeah. No, no, no, no. I should as that's why I'm saying this is where it turns that I'm the freak, but we got on the boat and I bought like nausea bands and anti nausea bands, which I kept on the entire time. And so we get on the boat. By the way, yes, I hope you were well I kept on the entire time. And so we get on the boat. By the way, yes. I was actually, I hope you were.

Yeah. The whole time, but I never took them off. War them in the shower. I'm not. We're snapping during a blowjob. Yeah. Yeah. Good.

Hold on. So we get on and we're like, let's go to the room and he starts walking down like flights of stairs and We walked down one flight and then another flight and then and I'm like fuck Now I'm thinking about Titanic because I'm like we're going Someone else said like someone else put it like I wish My people yeah, it's gonna be a lot of table dancing. Yeah, we are literally Seven flights down. I don't know. And I got getting more and more nervous and I'm thinking now we

must be underwater, but we get to our room. We actually, there's like a tiny little window and we, there is, we're just above the water. Just above. Like we're the bottom floor. You pass by dolphins playing like backgammon, like what are you doing down here? Right. Exactly. There's no light anymore. So also the room is basically the size of a king bed.

The whole room. So there's maybe like a double bed in the room, but the room, so imagine a room that's small. And I've now decided to be in this room with a stranger. The bathroom is part of that space. And I'm like, okay, well, I won't be going to the bathroom in here, which I didn't. Well, thankfully it's only a short seven flights up to be able to go to the lobby bathroom. I think there was a, I think there was an elevator, but I never found it. So it was, yeah, I would be running out of that.

Oh, is that anything scarier than an elevator on a cruise? I can't do that either. Yeah. I want to do that either. Okay. So we start hooking up and literally upon insertion blood, everyone, just blood. From who? From me, like, I've got my period. You never know. All right. There's a banjo string there. You got a bloody nose immediately.

Yes, yes, he was so, yeah. No, no, no, no, no. I basically, I, and it's like, it is like a crime scene within minutes. And I'm super embarrassed, but thinking, well, maybe he's into it, could be a king of his, he's not, he's not into it. No, no, no, no, he's just like, he's not into period sex on a carnival cruise. No, this is insane. This man is crazy.

Yeah. Something wrong with him, right? It's not absolutely. Yeah. fucking freak. Yeah, I bet he got a cast station sandwich. Jail in me, too. So up until now, he seemed like a really cool guy. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You should have asked for a note. If he's an expert on the boat, you got to know how to like roll with every sort of exactly. Every wave, every wave. Every wave. Chris in the right wave. Yeah. There are many ways he could have handled it and he and he didn't.

So I take the I take the bloody sheets off the bed and I kind of sneak into a whole way and I find like a housekeeping cart that no one's at and I just shovel the sheets in there trying to get rid of the evidence and kind of pretend like that didn't happen. So, yeah, so that was day one. And we basically didn't, we didn't have sex the rest of the time, which was really the only reason to go on the cruise, right? Because the rest of it is just gross food and karaoke. And we went to Mexico and they were just trying to sell us

pills that you can't get in America. And yeah, I'm supposed to score at least. Yeah, I would have scored these things in advance. Immediately turned around. Oh, karaoke check. So you're right, you're gonna have to get out of that. That was a check.

You know what, I think it's because I'm Canadian and I can get them there that it wasn't such a big was Right, right? It's got to be. As an English person it literally sounds like disnia. Yeah, yeah, the only reason I cruise is for the pills. It's a portable cruise. Oh, I forgot to add that people were very worried before I went. Obviously, because I have. We've all been worried for like 10 minutes. We've been

saying where are you? Yeah. We'll go back up. We're an amazing detail. I had about 60 text messages day off being like, don't go stays. But you know, my instincts said, I bet it's going to love period sex. And then we, you know, we get off and then I have to drive him back to the airport and I don't know why and this does say a lot about, you know, how I feel about myself, but on the way out, we stopped at like the cell phone lot. They used to have like this lot near the airport where you could like call to see if the your person can, I don't know. We kind of parked there and I gave him a blowjob, like on the way out.

I just, I just felt like, I don't know. I just was like, this hasn't been bad. I'm clapping out of the bro. Yeah, this decision. I mean, listen, this is all relatable. He almost slept with a pregnant woman because he felt bad. I ended up covered head-to-toe, maybe well, and you blew this guy at the cell phone lot.

Because you were like, that was for you, by the way, that wasn't for him. That was for you to go. This trip was fucking like, you need to prove to yourself. I'm not just a period for a giant girl. I'm fucking like, I'm parking lot. Look at me. I'm blowing you outside the Apple. Oh, you think the ship wasn't fun?

I'll show you. We should have just come to the fucking eye out parking lot like a real adult couple. Right. We could have done it for free. For free. Good for you. That's right. And I crushed it. And I was like, I did that. I think round of applause for the blowjob at the end of really horrendous three days. You really like took one for the team to secure your legacy there.

And while I don't like the fact that he got rewarded for his slightly weird stingy, like judgy behavior by getting a great blowjob, I'm happy for you that during your guerrilla time you remained a legend. Yes, right? That was the goal. Mm, yes, I feel like that's how that would be.

Again, that was for you. That was a brilliant idea. And that was 100% for you. I can imagine you like, going out of the car afterwards, like walking in slow motion, hair, like blonde hair, blow in the wind. Like, it's a hero's ending.

Guys, thank you so much for all of these amazing stories. Try and fuck on land, you know, as much as you can. Yes. Keep it on land. Be a landfucker as much as you come. Yes. Yeah. Keep it on my hands. Be a landfucker as much as you can. I also think this is a good lesson for people in relationships now, right? It's like have a bigger attitude of gratitude for your significant other now. Now that I've heard all these horror stories and the things that we've been through,

it's like, I am going to hug my husband hard tonight and just go, oh my God. Thank you for doing the bare minimum today. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Well, well done for surviving single life guys. Thank you so much for sharing these stories with me. You're all very brave, very cool people.

I really appreciate everyone's yes and approach to live. Mine is very much so no thank you. And so I'm always inspired to meet people like you. Love it. Thank you. Thank you. You can find ticket information for Heather McManns, the comeback tour on HeatherOnTour.com.

Adam Ray appears in Young Rock. Welcome to Chip and Dale's. And you can find tickets for his upcoming shows on Adam Ray.com. And Stacy Trobe is a writer and co-executive producer on Daisy Jones and the Sixth, streaming on Amazon. Bad dates is produced by smartness media and wonderry, created by Robert Cohen. Executive producers are Robert Cohen and Jameena Jamil. That's me, produced by Stuart Bailey, produced and engineered and edited by Devon Torrey Bryant. Talent producer is Anne

Harris. Associate producer is Maddie McCann. Music by Kushy and Evan Schletter. Executive producers are Will Arnett, Jason Vaatman and Sean Hayes. Executive producers for Smartless Media are Richard Coulson and Bernie Kaminsky. If you've had a bad date and you'd like to tell us all about it, our number is 984-265-3283 and our email is baddatespod at gmail.com. We can't wait to hear all about it. That's all for this week, we will see you next time for more bad dates. Hello, Prime Members! You can listen to bad dates early and add free on Amazon Music. Download the Amazon Music app today, or you can listen early and add free with Wondery

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