Bad Dates with Jameela Jamil - Leaking Like A Hot Pocket (w/ Heather McMahan, Brandon Kyle Goodman, and Melissa Barrera)

Episode Date: November 11, 2024

On a new episode of Bad Dates, host Joel Kim Booster welcomes comedians Heather McMahan and Brandon Kyle Goodman and actress Melissa Barrera to discuss their most iconic dating fiascos. Heather relates an explosive backstory in which she’s left hanging at Cirque du Soleil, then tells us about the intervention that brought her hobby to a grinding halt, Brandon has to contend with a hoarder, emphasis on that first syllable, and Melissa meets Hugh Jackman at the stage door, but that’s unfortunately not who she’s kissing goodnight.  If you’ve had a bad date you’d like to tell us about, our number is 984-265-3283, and our email is [e-mail], we can’t wait to hear all about it! Subscribe to our YouTube Channel for video clips. Merch available at SiriusXMStore.com/BadDates. Joel Kim Booster: Psychosexual, Fire Island, Loot Season 2Heather McMahan: @heatherkmcmahan on social media, tour dates at HeatherOnTour.comBrandon Kyle Goodman: @brandonkylegoodman on social media, BrandonKyleGoodman.com, Tell Me Something Messy podcastMelissa Barrera: New movie Your Monster in theaters now Subscribe to SiriusXM Podcasts+ on Apple Podcasts to listen to ad-free new episodes.

Smart. Less. Media. My fiance and I are open, non-monogamous as well. We're not polyamorous. That's the one big thing is that like for me, I could give a shit who he fucks. But like if he was texting with somebody regularly, that would be cheating. You know what I think though? I do think that gay people, whether it's like men or women, they are just more open and chill in their relationships. I feel like straight people are a lot more...

Well, because we know we're already going to hell, so it's like, why not add one more thing on top of it? Black Beats! Why not add one more thing on top of it? Bad Dates. Bad Dates. Hello, hello, hello, and welcome to another episode of Bad Dates. I am your host, Joel Kim Booster. This is a podcast, as many of you I'm sure are aware, where we dive in with some of the most funny people we could find and they tell us tales from the trenches of their own time, dating, hooking up, etc. etc. etc. But before we get to them, I, as always, I'm going to start off the episode with a little bit of listener mail. This one is from Alicia. And she says,

had a first date with someone I met from an app. He said he loved reading that I said I was curvy on my profile. And in my naive mind, I thought we were both celebrating body positivity. We texted a while before we met and I was convinced he was normal. On the date, he picked me up at my apartment. I know insane. He opens the car door for me and as I get in, I hear him make an mm hmm sound like he likes the soup or some shit. Before he starts driving,

he starts a song from a playlist he named Big Booty. It was old school ass songs, starting with Bootylicious, then Back That Ass Up, followed by the Thong Song. We talked some, which was occasionally interrupted by him singing along. It was as cringe as you think it was. We arrived at a restaurant before the inevitable baby got back, which meant I was spared of having to hear him say, My Anaconda don't want none unless you got buns, hun. We all have our fetishes, but I wish he waited to play that card. I'm interested, but don't know if I can invest in someone who idolizes Sir Mix-a-Lot. What do you think?"

Well, listen here, Alicia. I gotta say, as an Asian man, I know what it's like to be fetishized, and it doesn't feel great. It doesn't feel amazing all the time. As I'm sure a lot of other people from a lot of other communities can attest, it does not feel good to know that the one thing that the person likes about you above all else is this one part of your identity that is just a puzzle piece in a very complicated tapestry that is your personality and your humanhood. So I think like he did kind of foreshadow this to you a little bit, not to victim lay, because you are a victim in this situation.

Just trust me on that, Alicia. But I do think that you can probably find someone who loves you for who you are, while also not sort of denying your personhood by watering you down to just this one thing about you. So that's just what I think personally, but I have a whole panel of other people here who are just itching to get in on this. And listen, if you have a question or a concern or a piece of advice that you would like answered, email us at baddatespod at gmail.com. But now, let's get to the real meat of it, okay? This writer, actress, and comedian,

who has a new comedy special called Breadwinner, streaming on Hulu, please give it up for Heather McMahon. Hello, how we doing? Hello, Heather. Hi, honey. Welcome to the pod. This next person, we also have writer and actor from shows like Big Mouth and Modern Love, and host of the Sex Positive podcast,

Tell Me Something Messy. It's my good friend, Brandon Kyle Goodman. Hello, Brandon. Hi baby, how are ya? I'm good, I'm good. I'm so glad to see you. And you might know her from Vita In The Heights. Her latest movie, Your Monster, won the audience

favorite award at Sundance and is out now. It's Melissa Barrera. Hello, Melissa. Hey, what's up? It's so good to see you in a little box as always. So what do you all think about Alicia's predicament here? We're all sort of I'm sure people who have been in similar situations at one point or another and um should she give this guy another shot or should she run for the hills? Definitely run. Yeah. That's a serial killer. That's a serial killer right there. That's the beginning of the funniest serial killer ever.

That is the vibe that I'm also getting. I think follow him on Spotify though, because... that playlist is repoppet. That's what I'm saying. Bootylicious? Come on. Yeah, that's the thing. This is the most disturbing thing, is the playlist to me. I think like the soup noises and then the playlist on top of it

is pretty, it's pretty rough. But can I tell you, I enjoy the enthusiasm and as a curvy woman, I wish that I got into more cars with men on dates where they were like, damn mommy, like I wish. Instead it was always some like white guy named Dylan who was like, oh God, you know, like I wish there was more enthusiasm

when I got into your Toyota Tercel. Does he care about what's going on in her inside, inside that curvy body of hers? That's my concern. But doesn't matter. I mean, also like they're never concerned at any point, whether you're 14 years into marriage later, they're never concerned. They are looking for that fat ass, you know, They are looking for that fat ass, you know? I can attest. All he has is a fat ass, baby. Do you think, though, that he thought, like he put some thought into this playlist

and thought that like maybe, I don't know, like is there a version of this that he was like maybe like trying to make her feel very comfortable and loved and just like fucked it up? You know, like maybe, I don't know. Yeah, I mean, best intentions. But I'm just saying that if I got into a car and someone was playing like turning Japanese

and like, you know, kung fu fighting, I would feel uncomfortable. I would feel uncomfortable that they felt the need to create a playlist based solely around this one thing about me. The amount of older men that would ask me out that thought I was like the, you know, the ghost of Anna Nicole Smith. I mean, if I had a dollar for every time somebody said, Trim Spa, baby, can I buy you a drink?

I'd be a billionaire. We're going to move on here to our first story. This is from Heather. Now, Heather, before you jump into the story, give us a little context. You mentioned you're in a 14-year marriage. So that's where you're at currently. That's where I'm at currently. Off the menu for single men who want you to be Anna Nicole Smith for them. But where were you a serial monogamous before you met your husband? Were you bopping around? What was your style? I met my husband early on after college. Now, just a little preference. I went to a very southern university where everybody was there trying to find a husband. So I was kind of the

black sheep in college because I told everyone I'm moving to New York. I'm doing comedy like relax. Like I'll go to a date party with you. I'll go to a fraternity formal with you. But not an MRS degree. You were not there for that. No. You get a quick hand job and you buy me a drink, but that's it. I am not looking to get tied down. The quickest. The quickest. I mean, three minutes were in and out. So it was a real shock to me when I met my husband in my early 20s in New York. I was like, oh shit, I like this one. Like

now I have to be tied to him. But he was very sweet and romantic. And this is how you know he's the right person. So I want to start off with a little positivity. If they wanted to, they would. I fully believe in that. Like if they want to do it, they're going to make it happen. So my husband was very cute in our first couple of dates.

Our first date, we were ice skating at Bryant Park. It was adorable. He was a gentleman. He did not try and take me home. His dad picked him up from the date. So I was like, he must be gay. Like, I didn't even think he'd say that to me. Because, you know, I was so used to guys

just being absolute perverts, you know, just terrible. So our second date, he took me to Radio City Music Hall to see a Cirque de Soleil show. And I was so excited. Yes, so great. But again, especially with like straight men, they only get you like to the point, right? They buy the tickets,

but then they don't think of like anything else, right? So he decides we don't have a dinner reservation on the way to the show. So I'm like, all right, well, I'm starving before the show. Where are we gonna go? He's like, oh, I know this soup dumpling place. We go to this great little place, used to be on 52nd, I think between 9th and 10th, called Grand Szechuan.

Phenomenal, phenomenal food. But we get there, and again, Jeff, who you think is trying to impress me, this is like our second or third date, he, when I say goes so hard in the paint on the garlic green beans, the Mongolian beef, he got enough soup dumplings with hot chili oil on them to feed a fucking army, okay?

And I'm like- Before the show? Before the show. Because he's just, he's not, you know, he's a grown man, he's six four, he's an Italian dude. He's just like, I gotta eat. That's a lot of man, yeah. That's a lot of man. That's a lot of food to feed.

It's a lot of food. But you know, you're sitting there on a date and you think he'd be trying to mine his Ps and Qs and like be a little reserved with the amount of food he's consuming, because you're like, all right, I'm trying to impress this girl, I don't want to get messy, Whatever. I barely have two bites of

the food because I'm nervous. I'm having my drink. We go to the show. We sit down in these seats, amazing seats at Radio City. I'm so excited for the show. I'm like, God, this is such a great night. And then he immediately gets up, hey, I'm going to run to the restroom before we before the show starts. Don't think twice about it. Yeah, sure. Pretty smart. I'm sitting there 30 minutes into the show. He has not returned. So I think, oh, this is it, I said something, he's gone, or, you know, he met his boyfriend in the bathroom, like he's a wrap. You still think he's gay?

Yeah, like this, Elmo. Yeah, I'm like, okay, all right, honey, I get it. So he doesn't return. So the woman sitting next to me is just like, kind of looks over, because she thinks now I've been left on this date too. And she's kind of looking at me like, are you good? And I'm like, I'm fine.

Desserted at the Cirque du Soleil show. That is a tough thing to bounce back from. Desserted at Zootopia, okay? It does not get darker than that. He comes back, he's dripping sweat. He's got his like, you know, his sports coat on. He's like, sorry, I, I, something didn't settle right. And you're already like, okay, we're on the third date.

We don't want to talk about bathroom stuff, but it is what it is. Maybe five minutes And you're already like, okay, we're on the third date. We don't wanna talk about bathroom stuff, but it is what it is. Maybe five minutes later, I'm like, well, it could have been the 45 soup dumplings and the hot chili oil, but I'm not gonna mother you. We're only two dates into this. He gets up three minutes later. And he doesn't show back up for another 30 minutes.

I'm a quarter into the show. I don't see him. I'm texting him, are you good? He's like, 911, I'm not okay. Then he comes back at intermission. He's like, I'll be okay. I mean, the guy looks so ill. I mean, he got great food poisoning on this date. So afterwards, now at this point, I'm pissed.

You could have settled down. You could have not had 45 soup dumplings, but you still acted like just a barbarian. And then I'm like, fuck this, you've ruined the date. So he's like, I lived in Hell's Kitchen at the time. He's like, I got gotta go back to your apartment. So the show's over. I text my roommates. Is this the first time you're bringing him home?

You're bringing him back to your place? First time. Oh my God. To shit at your place, girl. To shit at my place. So one of my roommates is home. Now she grew up, my husband grew up with a bunch of two of the girls that I lived with. So I texted one of my girlfriends who's like sitting on the couch watching Vampire Diaries, High as a Kite,

and I said, Jeff's on his way home. You corner him. He is running home to this apartment to like blow up the bathroom. Just corner him. Talk to him about sports. Talk to him about the fucking weather. I don't care, because he ruined this night

for being an animal. So you're gonna ruin it. You need vengeance, you need justice. You need justice in this moment. He was sick in the bathroom for like an hour and a half. He said he almost shit himself on the way home. And I was like, just go for it. Just run. And that's the man that I married.

And to this day, we still reference this date. I'm like, you know, there's a big event. Like, the irony of it is, you know, what? Ten years later, I end up playing Radio City on my tour. And I looked at him and I said, if you have diarrhea this whole show while mama's on stage, I will fucking kill you. So lock it up, have a neutral grilled cheese

before this show, because I have bubble guts. I know you do. Take that emotium. Yeah, take the emotium bit. And that's what happens when you're married to a straight man. Every day of your life, people are always like, yeah, you guys really into butt stuff?

I'm like, no, and I'll tell you why not. Because when you're married to a straight man, all you hear all day long is how they have diarrhea. So I just stay. I avoid. I avoid. It's bad. Well, how did he come back? How did he claw his way back into your good graces after this event? That's what I'm curious about. Like, how did you end up in a 14 year marriage?

You seemed pretty upset. He missed Zootopia. He missed Zootopia. I was more annoyed because I saw it going down, but I was just so used to like men just being idiots. You know, it was kind of endearing and it did break the fourth wall quite literally because I, you know, where I was in my tiny apartment

listening to him just literally had the scene for bridesmaids. So I just found it kind of cute and endearing and that's what's so sick about women. You know what I mean? Where like this man shit himself. Yeah, I was about to say the car, once again is on the floor.

On the floor. For you to find diarrhea, truly a stomach parasite. Cute and adorable, all of these things. It is Stockholm syndrome, that straight women share, I think, across- We're all trapped. We're trapped a little bit by IBS. Yeah. Well, I share it with you.

My husband had Giardia on our first couple of dates and so it was constantly pooping and I fell in love and we've been together for 10 years. So, point ladies, I get it. Brandon, you kind of knew at that moment, you're like, he eats ass. He eats ass. I mean, how else would you get it? He wasn't drinking from rivers and streams in the forest. He's not a camper.

I know that much. He was eating ass. So Heather, that was just the first, that was your positive story. Yes. What's your negative story? Cause if that's the positive, I can only guess about what the negative is.

Here's the deal. I may or may not have gotten addicted to Grindr for a little while. Okay, now hold on. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, hold on, Heather, stop. There wasn't any Grindr 14 years ago. There wasn't any Grindr 14 years ago.

No, there was. Yeah, Melissa's doing the math. Yeah, no, wait, actually, wait. This is actually on me. It wasn't even a bad date. I was just like being bad in the community, okay? So when I lived in Hell's Kitchen, this back in like 2010,

I worked at this great bar right in Hell's Kitchen and Grindr had just come out in beta phase. Well, of course I worked with all my boys at the bar and they were like, Heather, you're gonna be obsessed with this app Grindr and they'd show me all these guys. So one day I downloaded it, I was like, all right, let me just, whatever. I'm dating my husband at the time.

I call him, I'm like, honey, there's this app. Can I use your photo for this app? And he's like, what is it? I'm like, it's called Grindr. How do you not know what Grindr is? And he's like, bitch, it? And I'm like, it's called Grindr. How do you not know what Grindr is? And he's like, bitch, it's not the ESPN app. Like how the fuck would I know what Grindr is? So I ended up going to the Lord and Taylor

on Fifth Avenue and like 38th, and I take a photo of one of the Ralph Lauren Polo models. And I put him up as my thing. And it was just amazing. Like this is early on before any of the apps, because I'm locked in this relationship. I just wanted to see what we'd get. And I'm telling you every other day,

honey, ping, ping, ping, ping. I'm getting pinged, okay? And I'm just like getting free dick pics. I'm having the time of my life. My husband's like, who are you chatting with? Online, I'm like, two guys that live in our building. I don't know if this is fun. So I'm catfishing in the early beta phases on Grindr.

I was obsessed. Then finally one day- You were catfishing before we knew what it even was. Yes, exactly. I was catfishing before and it was all harmless. You know, I was just like, yeah, show me that big dick, daddy. Like, it was just fun. And because I lived in a, you know, the gay neighborhood,

I could see like, you know, it'd say like, uh, you know, big slick muscles is three feet away. And I'm like, oh my God, that's my neighbor. This is so much fun. And then eventually all my gay friends sat me down and they had an intervention and they said, you have to delete Grindr. You turned into a monster.

So I, yeah, they had an intervention and I had to delete Grindr. And then I couldn't go on like fake dates with gay guys anymore. It was so depressing. So that's, yeah. Do you miss it? Do you miss it?

I miss it every day. I miss it every day. There's so many, you should get on Sniffies, Heather. That's what I want for you miss it? I miss it every day. I miss it every day. There's so many. You should get on Sniffy's, Heather. That's what I want for you. Yeah, yeah. That's a new one.

Check out Sniffy's. I think you'll really like it. It really cuts straight to the point. It's just a lot of ass and dick on the profile. That's fine. Yeah. And it's desktop too. It's not even an app.

Oh, wow. It's desktop. Because that's how gross it is. Old school. They won't even let it on the app store. Cause that's how gross it is. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They won't even let it on the app store. That's how disgusting this happens. Wow. Okay, I'm gonna look into that.

Cause here's the thing, when you're getting dick pics from straight guys, it's not as fun because there's always like some like loose protein shake in the background. It's like the apartments disheveled, it's a mess. I hate the stereotype, but it's just gross. You know what I mean? It's emptygatoradebottles.com.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Exactly. Yeah, but okay, thank you for that suggestion. I appreciate it. So Heather, from either of the stories, what is the takeaway that you put into place about dating or love or relationships that guided you through dating your husband

until they alter? You know, again, I said, like, if they wanted to, they would. And the fact that my husband was actually so not threatened by the fact that I was sitting on a couch talking to, you know, like, just trying to get loose dong photos. He was like, you're insane. I think if you find somebody who puts up with your insanity

and lets you be you, then you found the right person. Yeah, that's great. Thank you so much, Heather. That was illuminating and scary. And what a then you found the right person. Yeah, that's great. Thank you so much, Heather. That was illuminating and scary. And what a ride you've taken us on. Thank you for letting me share. I really appreciate it. I feel so, I feel light as a feather

now that I got that off my chest. You feel like your husband after hour four of diarrhea. Yeah. In your apartment. Bad dates. Bad dates. Next up on the menu, we have Brandon Kyle Goodman. Brandon, you also mentioned you have a husband. I do. And you've been together for a long time. So we know that that's sort of where we're

starting at now. But again, tell us a little bit about your history leading up to your husband, even, I mean, up to now. Um, were you a serial monogamous? Were you a slut? What was your deal? I've always been a slut. Will always be a slut. We are, uh, we've been together for nine years total, married for five years. We're polyamorous, so I have a husband and I have a boyfriend who will be celebrating a year in two months together. Wow. Wow. That sounds like so much work.

It is. It is. It is. If you want to help, you can come over. You know what I'm saying? I'm too pictures of your husband. I'd be glad to take up some of that slack. Take some of the load. The load. You get it. So, but yeah, it's been wonderful to kind of navigate

non-monogamy and figuring what that is and not having to be just kind of regale to one person, which I appreciate. I have so many questions for you. Ask, what's the first one? I do too. Well, does he also have a boyfriend? So yes, he does.

Uh-huh. He's wonderful. And do the boyfriends of each of you both, do they know each other? How does that work? No, so the boyfriends haven each of you both, do they know each other? Like, how does that work? No, so the boyfriends haven't met each other. You gotta have a play date. You gotta get the kids together. I really want to go to a museum or something with everybody.

A little family trip. But yeah, I've met my husband's partner and he's met my boyfriend. But the four of us have not gotten together. But you know, Christmas is coming, so we'll see. Yeah, yeah. The holidays. Well, Brandon, so, um, I know that you have a doozy of a story for us today. Oh. Place us in your timeline, though.

When and where did this story take place? -♪ Piano music playing. -♪ This is about a couple years ago, so I'm still... I didn't have a boyfriend at the time, but I did have my husband. But I was in New York, so I'm living in LA, but I'm from New York, and so I'll go back from time to time for work or to see people. And so I was in New York doing some work, and as one does, you also want to have a little play.

So I hopped onto the grinder, as one does, to, you know... Talk to Heather for a while. Of course. And you get the grinder unlimited when you're away, so that you can just keep to Heather for a while. Of course. And you get the grinder unlimited when you're away so that you can just keep scrolling and scrolling and scrolling. And I don't usually like to,

I don't always meet up with people off a grinder because, you know, I'm always afraid of the, as Wendy Williams would say, the killer in the house. So, how you doing? But I like when I meet up with some, or I find somebody that I've maybe seen before or gone out with or met out before. So I was on there and somebody popped up who I had known.

I knew through a friend of a friend and they are gorgeous. Also six to which I have a problem with. It really fucks with my equilibrium. It really is like an eye line thing. Like if your eye line reaches over the horizon to look up, that's where everything changes. It changes. The blood goes to your head, you're not thinking straight anymore.

And you know, you're confused and I want that. I want that in my life. So we were chatting a little bit. And then of course, he was, I was uptown. He was staying downtown by Gramercy for anyone who's not from New York. That basically means it'd be like two trains, a bus and a walk, which is not really the vibe.

But he sent me his album and his dick, circus dick. And what I mean by circus dick is not like Ringling Brothers, Fuck Boy, you know, somebody who goes through you three times. I'm talking about Cirque du Soleil, Heather, I'm writing it with you again. Zootopia dick. Zootopia dick, where like it takes skill to balance on that being, you know what I'm saying?

Wow, yeah. It's the girth, it's the length. You really want to ride that elephant Melissa's face right now. So I was like, we'll work. Circus, dick, I want to join the circus. I will miss the mice and the rats and the roaches on the subway and take myself a little Uber. So I Ubered down-

Like a high class prostitute. Exactly, high class. Black car all the way. You know what it was, it was an Uber Black, honey. And so I got myself downtown to, because I was going to Gramercy, and so you wanna work the part. You wanna feel upper echelon.

Exactly, you wanna feel sexy and fancy. So I showed up and I got out, it's a beautiful building, doorman building. So I'm a tourist, the environment matters, honey. The elevators were like a gold door, mirrors in the elevator, building. So I'm a tourist. The environment matters, honey. The elevators were like a gold door, mirrors in the elevators. I know it's going to be luxury. Okay? 30th floor, it's going to be a view. Everything is check, check, check, check, check. So I get off on the 30th floor.

It's one of those big buildings where the directions, the department's this way, very small. So I was kind of mosey. It's a maze. A maze. And I'm, you know, listen, I'm a chocolate black, I'm not trying to be mosing around Park Avenue apartment crazy. So I'm like smiling extra hard, like, hi, do you know what this is? Hi, you know what the circus is? What time of night is this? It's evening, it's like at seven o'clock at night.

Okay, so it's not, yeah. Completely dark, you know, yeah, if it was midnight, maybe, I'd be rushing. So I'm like, you know where the circus is? And somebody points me to 30 or three, which where's the guy is. And he opens the door and he is beautiful wearing his like a wife pleaser, little boxers.

He steps aside to reveal his two bedroom, two bath apartment, and it is covered in clothing, trash, papers, books. My boy is a hoarder down. Hoarder down bad. Hoarder down bad. But he has circus dick, so I'ma stay. So I walk in and I try to find a place to lean up against

because everything is covered. I find a little spot against that little kitchen counter. I asked for some water because it's been a journey. It's been a long journey. He didn't have any water. What do you mean? He didn't have, he had no like filter water, water bottles. Like a brita, anything.

A brita, nothing. He didn't have no glasses, clean. He just had the tap. You know what he offered me? What he had was Hawaiian punch. He offered me the tap. You know what he offered me? What he had was Hawaiian punch. He offered me Hawaiian punch. That I would have to drink out of the jug. Which I said, I'm good, thank you so much.

I popped some gum and I'll use this on my breath. This is what happens when you have a big dick though. You think you can get away with shit like this. You think you can get away with fucking murder because that is a currency that goes a long way in our community, unfortunately. And so they think they can get away with this shit. And also, like, if you're bottoming, like, I just spent an hour douching.

I just traveled, you know, across the country. But, you know, like, it's a whole lot of it's been a whole lot of process. So I'm not as easily willing to walk away. I'm really I'm like, I'm going to stick this out. So I pop the gum in, chew on the saliva. I'm going to just hydrate myself with my own saliva. So I'm like, this living room kitchen situation is gross. Maybe the bedroom is a little better.

So we make our way into the bedroom, baby. The bedroom is just covered in clothes. Like I've never seen this many clothes in my, like Zara exploded. And it's a big bedroom. But there's no like dead cat carcasses or anything like that. Not that I've seen, not, Zara exploded. And it's a big bedroom. But there's no, like, dead cat carcasses or anything like that. Not that I've seen.

Not that I've seen. All I'm seeing is just a bunch of, like, he has a... Like, the bedroom was big enough to... What was the olfactory senses? What was happening with your sense of smell? Yeah, what's that? That's a really good question. The smell, there wasn't a bad smell.

So that's good. Like, it didn't smell, like, mildewy or trashy. It just was, like, clothes. And, like, papers and books. And the bedroom is big enough that he has, like, a couch in it. So, like, just to give you, like, it's not a small New York apartment, so that's a lot of fucking clothes. He shoves all the clothes off the couch. We sit down on the couch.

What I do see on the coffee table in front of the couch is an Oprah Winfrey book, and I'm like, okay, I feel safe, because, you know, come on, I feel safe. Here we are. Great. So we're sitting down, we're talking, we're chatting. I see the dick book and I'm like, okay, I feel safe. Cause you know, come on, I feel safe. Here we are, great. So we're sitting down, we're talking, we're chatting. I see the dick print and the boxers, the circus is here. I am gonna pull it out.

I get on my knees. What is helpful is that the clothes are now padding my knees. So that's good. So, you know, it's an irritant rug at the end of the day. So we start doing the thing, you know, and you know, the elephant is really, the trunk is up and he wants to move me to the bed. So we have to cross over all of the clothes, all the whole, like, moat sponsored by Zara

to get on the bed. The bed is also covered in clothes. So he moves the clothes to one side. He takes off my stuff. But listen, I'm focused on that dick, and it's beautiful. So, you know, he takes my clothes off, puts it where, to the side. I decide to sit on it.

Because when it's a circus dick, you got to sit on it. You can't just let it, you know, life hack. So I sit on it, we're doing the thing, and then maybe like 46 seconds later, he says, Shorty, I'm about to cum. No, cum where baby? Communicate, what are we talking about? He's like, no, like I'm about to,

and then I see, you know, the boys, when the eyes roll back a little bit, and you're like, oh shit, okay. And then I felt the babies released inside of my womb, my gut dismounted. And you know, when you see that face, when they're like kind of glazed over, so you're like, oh, you're not even gonna try

and get me off, are you? So, okay, great. So. Yeah, yeah, no, it's done, it's over. It's done, it's done, he's done. He's looking at me, he's about to go take a nap. So I am like now trying to find my clothes, but he has tossed them into.

Oh no, the Zara pile. No, the abyss. Baby, into the abyss. So now I am searching through his clothes. He had to turn on the fluorescent lighting, which you know we hate. I am stumbling around, leaking like a hot pocket at this point, trying to find my clothes. And you know the visual. Melissa had to push back.

You understand the visual, okay? Finally, after like seven minutes, like longer than the sex, I found my clothes, I put it on, he's like walking me out, he's walking me out to the kitchen. And to talk about a cat carcass, a little scurry happened under one of the clothes, and then a little mouse ran right past me. And he said, oh, don't worry about that shorty.

And then walked me to the door and I left, don't worry about that shorty. And then walked me to the door and I left. Don't worry about that shorty. Don't worry about that shorty. You said you got a vermin problem. You got a vermin problem. Burn this building down. Burn this building down. I mean, you're in New York.

The fact that it was just a tiny little mouse, you got off easy, bitch. You got off easy. Bad dates. Bad dates. Easy. Bad Dates Bad Dates We're at our final story of the day. And last but certainly not least, it is Melissa's turn. Melissa, you've been married for five years. Wow. And how long have you guys been together in total?

13. Wow. Long time. You must have been such a baby when you met. I was 21, yeah. We were both time. You must have been such a baby when you met. I was 21, yeah. We were both babies. That's incredible.

So I haven't dated in a while. And when you were saying that you had your grinder thing, I kind of got jealous that why didn't I ever do that? I should have done that. You still can, not too late. It's not too late. Not too late. I think every straight woman should be allowed two weeks

at minimum. On grinder. I think so too. should be allowed two weeks at minimum. On Grindr. I think so too. Yeah, I miss all the swiping. Like I've never ever been on an app like that. Let's call it reparations. Yeah. Like, my roommate, when we were at NYU,

she was on like match.com and OKCupid. You know, like she was on those like websites. That was pre-aps. But my, yeah, I've been with my husband for a really long time. So I had to like go back to my college years to dig for stories. And I remembered a gym because I grew up very Catholic in Mexico and so very

goody girl like you know just very scared of anything sex related. The guilt is very real. So anything remotely sexual was terrifying to me and and I was like, I would feel so ashamed. So it was really hard for me, even dating in New York, I felt like everybody thought that I was a prude, is prude the word? Yeah. Because I was like, I'm not going back with you,

I'm not going to kiss you, and if I kiss you, it's like a peck, and I'm not gonna kiss you, and if I kiss you, it's like a peck and like, I'm like running home, you know? But then after a year in college, I was like kind of loosening up. I was in drama school. So you know you're like getting naked with everyone and like rolling around on the floor. Yeah, of course.

Massage trains, a lot of those. Yeah, it really does open you like your mind and you're like, ah, I'm experimenting, I'm living. And so, you know, I'm experimenting, I'm living. And so, you know, New York City, I was waiting for the subway once and this guy kept staring at me. And he was like, okay, he wasn't like super cute.

He was like just like, you know, cute enough. But I was like, you know, I'm a romantic. So I was like, oh, like, hmm. And like a meat like I'm going to am I going to meet someone in the subway? Like that's such a yeah, I was like, I was kind of down. Normally the only people who are staring at you on the subway are guys who are also their hand is straight down their pants. Yeah. Maybe dick. Yeah.

Yeah. So, yeah, yeah. Not, yeah. Yeah, not this guy. He was like wearing like a cool trench coat. Like very like moot. It was very cinematic. Very cinematic. Mostly the guys who are jerking off on the subway too are in trench coats. Maybe. Now that I think about it.

But anyway, so he finally like came up to me and was like, something along the lines of like, you're so beautiful, can I have your number? I would love to ask you out. And I said yes, because I had never been asked for my number before on the street. And I thought- It is very old school, it's very cool.

Yeah. Yeah. I can see. And I was like, cute, sure. And so I gave him my number and he was like an actuary. Do you know what that is? No, no. I've heard the word but I couldn't tell you what it is. Yeah.

I honestly don't know either. At the time he explained it to me, something math related, like something like very bright. And he was young-ish, like I think he was like 25 at the time, I was probably like 20. I was 20. The young actuary, yeah. Yeah, like the young actuary.

And so he invited me to go see a Broadway show and that's the way to my heart. Oh. Because I am a musical theater geek. He invited me to go see a Broadway show, and that's the way to my heart. Because I am a musical theater geek. And so he took me to see, at the time Hugh Jackman was on Broadway also, like my weakness. And he took me to see Hugh Jackman. And I think I was more enamored by the lifestyle than by him. You know, I was like, he bought these like, you know, great.

Yeah, yeah. But like, but also like, oh, like a guy who can take me like premium seats to a Broadway show. And he planned, he planned like a whole date of like, we're gonna go for an appetizer at this restaurant, then we're gonna go for an appetizer at this restaurant, then we're gonna go and get our main at this restaurant. Oh, a progressive dinner. And then we're gonna go and get our dessert here.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I kinda like Epcot. Drinking around the world, like eating in like some of his favorite restaurants, and then we went to the show, and I got to like meet Hugh Jackman at the stage door. So it was like a perfect night for me. Wow. Like perfect night, I felt so good.

But I didn't, I wasn't attracted to him was the problem. It was the only problem. You know what I mean? That's a big problem. Yeah. It's a big one. Yeah. Yeah.

And then he walked me back to my dorm because I was, you know, I was in the NENWU dorms. And I felt like I had to kiss him, you know? And I feel like, you know, that feeling of like, he gave me like such a great night. Like, this is like a thank you. Like, I'll kiss you. I'll be honest, I've done way worse as a thank you for people that have done way less.

So a kiss, yeah, sure. Well, it was more, it was like a make out. Like he was like, his tongue was like fully down my throat. But I was just kind of like, I guess, I guess we're making out here, but I was like fully eyes open. You know? Like I was like literally,

literally like, you know, I'm like making out, but I'm like looking around if anybody's seeing me. How long was the make out? It felt like it was five hours. It must've been, it must've been like maybe three minutes, but it felt eternal to me. Three minutes is a long time. Well, when your eyes are open during the make out, but it felt eternal to me. Three minutes is a lot. Well, your eyes are open during the make out.

Searching, searching the whole time. Yes. And I could see people staring at us is the thing, because we were like right in the entry of the dorms. So I was just very embarrassed, but I was also like too polite and too much of of a people pleaser to pull away and be like, that's enough.

You know what I mean? So I was kind of like, I'll wait for him to stop, but he wasn't. Was he in the trench coat too for this horrible make out? You know? Possibly, possibly. Yes, possibly. And then finally, the night was over, I went home, and then I was like,

okay, I'll never see him again, but then, he invited me to see another Broadway show, and I was like... Ah. Listen, no. I know, I know. You said yes, didn't you? Which one was it? Yeah, I think it was.

You're like, this time I get to be Jonathan Groff. So, I'm gonna go. BAD DATES. So listen, that was the three incredible stories. Once again, I am blown away by your transparency with me and however many people listen to this podcast. I couldn't do it without that transparency. Thank you so much for being with us.

Heather, where can people find you? And where are you doing these days? You know what? I'm about to announce a new tour. Go to Heather on tour.com and find me on the Instagrams, TikToks, and HeatherKMcBam. Love it, love it, love it. Brandon, same question.

Where can people find you? What are you doing? You can find me on Instagram, Brandon Kyle Goodman or BrandonKyleGoodman.com and check out the podcast, Tell Me Something Messy, which is every Thursday on iHeart and Not Spoken Networks. Love it. And finally, Melissa, where can the people find you?

Where you want them to find you, honestly. And what do you have coming up? I want them to find me at the movies. Go watch Your Monster in theaters. Yeah. That's where you can see me. You can see me be very messy. Very, very messy.

Go, girl. I definitely want to see what that looks like. Well, thank you guys so much for joining me. We'll be back next week with more stories, both horrific and exciting and titillating as well. If you liked what you heard today, please give us a rating and a review. Five stars on iTunes or Spotify or wherever you're listening to this podcast. It really helps us out and helps other people find the podcast. Until next week, I've been Joel Kim Booster. Goodbye.

Bad Dates is a production of smartless media created by Robert Cohen. Executive producers are Robert Cohen and Stuart Bailey. Produced, edited and engineered by Devon Torrey-Brien. Produced by Anne Harris. Edited by Kyle McGrath. Associate producer is Maddie McCann. Social media producer is Tommy Galgana. Executive producers are Sean Hayes, Will Arnett, and Jason Baitman. Executive producers for Smartless Media are Richard Corson and Bernie Kaminski.

Music by Kushi and Eben Schleder. If you've had a bad date or would like our advice on any dating issues, please tell us about it at baddatespod at gmail.com or call us at 984-265-3283. That's 984-265-3283. That's all for this week. We will be back for more For more, Bad Dates!