Bad Dates with Jameela Jamil - Let's Get Messy (w/ Ian Fidance, Jordan Jensen, and Jeff Hiller)

Episode Date: August 14, 2023

On this episode of Bad Dates, Jameela welcomes comedians Ian Fidance, Jordan Jensen, and Jeff Hiller to discuss their most iconic dating fiascos. Ian proves everybody has a price, especially when it involves pizza, Jordan uses a window for more than fresh air, and Jeff stumbles onto a very awkward birthday celebration. If you’ve had a bad date you’d like to tell us about, our number is 984-265-3283, and our email is [e-mail], we can’t wait to hear all about it.Ian Fidance: http://www.ianfidance.com/Jordan Jensen: https://www.jordanjensencomedy.com/Jeff Hiller: @boomboomhiller on InstagramThis episode was recorded prior to the SAG-AFTRA strike on July 14th. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

I snuck a man through my window the other day and that's excellent. Why did you have to sneak him in through your window? Yeah, what's wrong with it? Because he's friends with my roommate. Wait, you would say that guy? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. How was it? I'm not, we were on that.

It was fine. Wait, you needed it to be so secret that he climbed through the window, but you're all, like, just blaring it on podcasts now. We are already told the roommate. It was, I just thought it would be fun to sneak him in through the window. I thought that would be hotter for me. I really needed to increase the heat of the situation because the person wasn't bringing a lot of it I really hope he doesn't listen to this podcast

I'm a massive fan of all of you. I continue to be quite star struck on this podcast. I think you're all fucking brilliant. And I can't quite believe you're here. Ian and Jordan, you guys have been friends for how long now? Because you have a podcast together. But how long does this go back? Seven, six, six years. You have all the dirt on each other. Correct. You'll be able to correct one if one starts lying. Oh, yeah. I already lied. I said eight years, she called me out, it was sick. So, what are we out of here? I'm going to call BS too, even though I don't know y'all. I'm just going to do it.

Just do it. Yeah. Let's get messy bitch. Let's do it. Okay. Okay. Okay. Well, I really appreciate you being here.

This is where everyone gets to let their freak flag fly when it comes to everything that they have done or been through on the road to love, shagging, or both. I have had a nice experience than most regrettably, and it's nice for me to be able to learn from everyone else as to what it is like out in the wild. Jeff, I'm going to ask you first, before we get started, how do you feel about dating? How do you feel that you are as a date? Was it like to date you? Oh, I don't think I'm very good at it.

I think, but I do think that people know if they're wanting to continue the date with me very immediately, but when I was dating, people would be like, I'm out within like five minutes of me coming into the restaurant. Really? That just means I'm an acquired taste. Yeah. They bring the bell, but they'd leave in like fairly early into being there. That's fucking crazy.

Like before you ordered a drink, yeah. I mean, that's a bit, that's too, that's too harsh, it's too honest, but it was also nice to not have your time fucking wasted and have you go and spend a bunch of money. Do you know what I mean? It's efficient. Absolutely, 100%. Why, why is that?

Are you walking in? They can hear you in speaking. Sorry, sorry. What, why is that? Is that because you're walking in and they're like, is that Jeff and you're like, hey, I'm Jeff. And they're like, okay, no, thank you.

Like, what is? No, he, you cut the date off. No, no, they did. No, they cut the day off. Yeah. Why do you think it is? And I think it's because I was. Just stick was out.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, I mean, they were casually just out of all the means. And out of the flap. And it was my ear. It was out of my ear., they were casually just out of this like and out of the flap. And it was my ear. It was out of my ear. So people were like, we're we call that a Delaware hello. We're on. Yeah.

Delaware. I love it. You're so hard. Delaware. That's the deal. Well, I'm I just the Delaware den. Delaware. Delaware.

Hello, too much. I think it's because I was dating on not even apps. There's pre-apps, but it was like websites. And I think I had curated my photos perhaps too well. That you know. I think they just knew they couldn't handle you, Jeff. Yeah. Also, I think I read tiny, but I'm very big. Like, in a photo, I think I look small, but then I show up, but I'm very big like in a photo

I think I look small, but then I show up and I'm six for five and it's a lot. I have I have the same thing everyone Do you horrified by how large I am? Yeah? Oh? Looking at you two bragging about being able to oh How's the weather easily at concerts are you kidding me? Yeah, but but being despised by everyone at concerts. Are you kidding me? Yeah, but, but being despised by everyone at concerts. Exactly. I can't. It's easy as you think it is. And they're past the address. How tall are you guys? How tall are you? 6.5. I'm 5.11. Yeah.

Oh, 5.11 is tall. I'm 59. I would climb both of you like a spider monkey. And I would let you in. Yeah. I would fucking. I'd rather just say that. say that I would not say like, I'll be your tree. We'll be your tree warning. So Jordan, I've been a big fan of you now, this whole year after watching a video of yours that went viral in which you told an audience that you used to sleep with your step brother. And it's one of the funniest videos. I slept with it one time.

Okay, you slept with it one time. But I will have done it more, but we live in different states. One time. I was instantly obsessed with you, as was I think the entire internet. I have sent that to about 90 different comics, all of whom are deeply jealous of that bit and that performance, but they're a bunch of nonsense to me. Through all of your content and I feel like you just, there's no fucking way you won't go Jordan. And so therefore, I'm thrilled to learn what your dating life is like.

Like how do you feel about dating? Do you enjoy it? Oh well. I have a bad dating life. I'm very bad at it. I choose poorly and I reject. I reject very sweet and nice compassionate people and I only go for insane assholes who hate me. If you hate me, we're dating. You know,

if you like me, it's disgusting. No, I understand that. I understand that. That's fair. Ian, what about you? I feel like you seem like a fun date. I, you know, I'm a bit too fun because you like me. You like me because I'm fun and I'm wild and you never know what'll happen. And then I'll, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I come in the house and I go, you are my girlfriend. La la la la.

That's true, it's true. And no one likes it, no one likes it. People like it for a bit. That's the thing, I'm good in small doses. And when you date me, I've come to realize the best way to be in like a fully intimate, loving, committed relationship is to never fully be myself. A-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha the most amazing biography title ever. Oh, that's a good idea, thank you. Yeah. Yeah, I mean, I would love to have you

write the forward of that biography, but I never had a good, nothing good ever happened when I drank. Like, one time I woke up in a guy's bed, I didn't know how I got there, and he was like an Australian man, and I was like, how'd I end up here? And he goes, well, in a pizza shop, you bet me that I couldn't fucking in the ass for a slice of pizza.

And I go, did you fuck me in the ass? He goes, no, you came back and passed out like a naked stuck pig. And I was like, what? Yo, me a slice of pizza. You know? When you said he was Australian, I thought you were going to be like, I turned out I was in Australia. Like you had black fat on a plane. 24 hours. Instead of waking up in another state or country, I would just wake up in another person,

another person. Yeah. Like another person. I think I was in another country because I had an accident, but it just turns out I was living a degenerative life. So there's a time where you showed up on acid? Oh yeah, yeah, years ago, you know, when you have like a day off

and you don't think anything's gonna happen, so you're like, why don't I toast myself with a heraculent amount of acid and go to the park? So I did that and this girl I met was like, I made your neighborhood meet up with me. And I was like, oh no. So I got, so I went, so you went. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I went skipping steps. How did you meet her? And why did you make the decision to go from, oh no. Okay, because I met her after a show and she was like into me and then she told me she had a kid and my life was a mess and I was like, well, maybe I just need to be a father. So. I said you had to go.

I'm like, maybe I need to be a tree on acid. And you're like, so I showed up to this impromptu date and she's reading the New York Times a bichy-wery section at like when I get there and she's like, oh I love reading a bichy-wery. It's so interesting to read about people's lives. Oh, what a manic pixie dream. Yeah, manic pixie. I was just going to say that. That's so fucking annoying. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, Oh, oh, oh, it ticked off. It's taken off. Natalie Portman, big. Yeah, ticked off.

Every box for me. So I was like, oh, I'm into this. And then when she started talking, I was like, what if she reads my abituary? And like, the wall started melting behind her. But I sounded, I kept thinking she was gonna, I was dead and she was gonna like, read my abituary and be like, like, you know what the end of Beetlejuice

when they all the dead people show up in the waiting room? I thought the chance. Yes, I thought that I, she was gonna like, let me know, you've been dead this whole time. So this is going on in my brain and like my reality is unfolding, but out loud I sounded so cool because I go, why don't you put that paper away? And let's say we get out of here and, I sounded so cool, because I go,

why don't you put that paper away? And let's say we get out of here and she was like, yeah, let's go. And I was like, woohoo. So, you know, I don't know if you guys have ever done an acid, but when you enter a new space, it's like opening up a new part of the world. And like when we walked outside,

she immediately goes, what's the worst thing that's ever happened to you? I hate her so much. I'm sorry. She's so, she's so, she's so, she's so, she's so, she's so, she's so, she's so, she's so, she's so, she's so, she's so, she's so, she's so, she's so, she's so, she's so, she's so, she's so, she's so, she's so, she's so, she's so,

she's so, she's so, she's so, she's so, she's so, she's so, she's so, she's so, she's so, she's so, she's so, she's so, she's so, she's so, she's so, she's so, she's so, she's so, she's so, she's so, she's so, she's so, she's so, she's so, she's so, she's so, she's so, she's so, she's so, she's so, she's so, she's so, she's so, she's so, she's so, she's so, she's so, she's so, she's so, she's so, she's so, she's so, she's so, she's so, she's so, she's so, she's so, she's so, she's so, she's so, she's so, she's so, she's so, she's so, she's so, she's so, she's so, she's so, she's so, she's so, she's so, she's so, she's so, she's so, she's so, she's so, she's so, she's so, she's so, she's so, she's so, she's so, she's so, she's so in this scenario. I was a man, Mr. Jamila. I was an insane person. That's why I've stopped doing drugs and drinking. Amazingly, you still have more stories. Oh, I was on like my last run of drinking.

I was doing coke on a metro card waiting to get into a bar. And some girl showed up and was like, can I have some? And I was like, okay. So I shared it with her and she's like, let's go to another bar. I always get drinks for free. And I was like, my kind of gal. So we get in this bar and I swear to God, the second we walk in, the bartender goes, Michelle, get out!

And I was like, what? And she's like, yeah, I got kicked out in band because I would always steal drinks. So her idea of free drinks was stealing drinks. And I was like, she's an icon. We went to another bar and I blacked out and I came to and we were both naked in the bathroom doing coke. And I was like, huh? Shit, why are we both naked? And then we put our clothes on to go back to my place. And then she hits me with, I'm kind of in between places right

now. Can I stay here? And I was like, I mean, obviously, yeah, but then she got to, you know, leave. She left and then this is kind of sad. My roommate fell me drinking whiskey behind a dumpster. And then I just like blacked out again and came to and I was just bleeding out of my nose doing coke. And I was like, there's, there's gonna be a change. Wait, why are you behind the dumpster? Because I didn't want anyone to see me. Oh, that was your last night of drinking. No way.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Really? Oh, good. Yeah, last night of drinking. No way. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, good. Yeah, last day of drinking is the top. I've been sober eight years since God, God willing. If I do tomorrow, what I did today, I'll get another day. And it's been heavenly ever since almost kind of anyway, Jordan, you're a whore, go ahead. Thank you, Pissarie, those amazing stories. Come, no problem.

We'll be right back. Bad dates. It is every parent's nightmare when folding in South Jersey with searches on for an 11-year-old Cape May County boy, missing since yesterday afternoon. So far, searchers have found only his left sneaker near his home. It's hard to imagine losing a loved one, a wife, a husband, a child.

For many, it's their biggest fear. Amarissa Jones, host of The Vanished, a podcast that tells the stories of often overlooked and unsolved missing person's cases. Every week, I dive into a new case, sharing the details The podcast that tells the stories of often overlooked and unsolved missing persons cases. Every week I dive into a new case, sharing the details of their mysterious disappearance, including interviews with family, friends, law enforcement, and even suspects in an effort to reveal the truth.

And I'm proud to say that this podcast has aided in a number of arrests. It's important to me to remember the human behind the headline and help family members find their vanished loved one, or at least a sense of peace. Follow the vanished wherever you get your podcasts. You can listen ad-free on Amazon Music or the Wondery app. And we're back. Alright Jordan, you are in fact up. You have a story's called The Gayest Straight Go. Um, that is my, that is my cross to, I was raised by Lesbians. So I don't really know how to be anything but Lesbian, but I like men.

Okay, so there was this guy who I worked for. This is crazy. I put an addition on this guy's house and he was very annoying about it because my name's Jordan, right? So I changed my business name to Lady Parts Carpentry so that people would know as a woman because before this they would call me and I would show up and I'd be a woman

and they would feel masculated but they didn't want to unhire me so they'd be like, okay. But then this one guy would just follow me around. The whole time I was building this edition he would just be trying to help me out, fucking things up, I would have to undo it. And then like, his like wife comes in, I meet the wife, she kind of was okay, I felt bad for her because she had to be married to this guy.

Anyway, and then a few weeks later, he emails me, he goes, oh, I'm glad that you're female carpenter, so I don't have to worry about you fucking my wife, right? And I was like, yeah, but I am like finger banging all of your candies and snacks and jam jars, right? And then, so, and then like a month later, he emails me and he's like, me and my wife want to invite you back. And we were wondering if you wanted to have

a threesome with us. And I was like so live it at this point at how inappropriate it was that I wrote back having a three-some with you and your wife is going to be the same feeling as putting an addition on your house. You're going to follow us around with your shitty little tool trying to help us out, pretend to know what you're doing. And I was like, even your wife is going to be like the addition. I'll be the one to finish it up and I'll be the one to Michelle ever again. That's the greatest possible answer you could have given.

Did you think it was like topless maids when he hired you? I think he thought that that's a good idea. Topless women construction workers. I think it's not a great idea. What? Well, it's a lot of power tools. No, with the maids, it's like you've got mobs, you've got flannels like it's different. It's different. I think with a power saw, don't have your tits out.

I think, you know, hey, look. Call me old fashioned in. So I think it would jiggle them and not cute way. I think it would jiggle them. No, I think it's always a cute way, but I still think it's dangerous. Yeah. Did you get a lot of men creeping on you then, Jordan, when you're doing that job? The most creepy I get is outside of the jobs.

Like if I, like walking from truck to job with nail beg on, I mean, people just lose their minds. They cannot believe that they see a lady with a nail beg on. A lot of people scream, you got balls, which is really annoying to me. Not because I'm a woman, but I just think it's stupid to. A quite testicles with a nail bag. Yeah, that doesn't help at all. Testicles don't know.

It's like saying to a cop, you know, you have like a dream journal. It doesn't make any sense. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha I just, you just, you just, you just, you just, you just, you just, you just, you just, you just, you just, you just, you just, you just, you just, you just, you just, you just, you just, you just, you just, you just, you just, you just, you just, you just, you just, you just, you just, you just, you just, you just, you just, you just, you just, you just, you just, you just, you just, you just, you just, you just, you just, you just, you just, you just, you just, you just, you just, you just, you just, you just, you just, you just, you just, you just, you just, you just, you just, you just, you just, you just, you just, you just, you just, you just, you just, you just, you just, you just, you just, you just, you just, you just, you just, you just, you just, you just, you just, you just, you just, you just, you just, you just, you just, you just, just, you just, just, you just, you just, you just, you just, you just, you just, you just, you just, you just, you just, you just, you just, you just, you just, you just, you just, you just, you just, you just, you just, you just, you just, you just, you just, you just, you just, you just, you just, you just, you just, you just, you just, you just, just, you just, you just, you just, you just, you just, you just, you just, you just, you just, you just, you just, just, you just, you just, you just, just, you just, just, you just, you just, you just, you just, that was, but it's like an art show in Italy, but I had just been to the Whitney Biennale. So that was like freshen my mind and he was like the Biennale, and I was like, are you trying to say the word Biennale? By any chance?

And then he was like, that's an English and Italian, the word is Biennale. And I did not say this out loud. In my standup, I say that I said it out loud, but I started like sweating. My pupils got, I started panicking

and I thought that we had been speaking Italian to each other. And then, and the mushrooms had like tapped into something that I didn't know that I had, and I was freaking out. It was crazy. And then,

we went thinking that you were speaking a different language the whole time. It's insane. It's so funny while still trying to be like cute on a date. Yeah, are you thinking about the Whitney? Yeah, yeah, yeah, totally. Me, Juan, your head, you're just using babble and Google translate. My head is just, wow. And then we go back to, we go back to his place.

He lived like around the corner for me. And he had the same truck as me. to, uh, we go back to his place. He lived like around the corner for me and he had the same truck as me. That's what I remember because he had, I thought that he was my height because he had the same truck as me and there was a picture of him with the, with his truck, but turns out he had like a Toyota from like 89 as opposed to like, I had like a 98. So his was like, that's a big difference. So he had like a tiny truck and he was a tiny man. Okay.

But it just looked from the photo that we were the same size. So then when he showed up on the date, he was like walking towards me and I was tripping out because I was like, he needs to be getting bigger. Like he has like my depth perception was like, like he should be getting bigger. And he's a little. He was a bit smaller than you just thought, no. Well, mine, that you were an Italian woman who'd lost her.

He's a drunkard. Yes, yes, yes. That was a tiny world. A tiny, tiny box. Oh, yeah. Yeah. That's a man. And then, and then, okay, anyway, we were hooking up

and we were having mushroom sex, which is the sex that you have when you're just like mashing, right? You're just like going at it. And he went, shut up. He went to, what did he do? Oh yeah, he pulled me on top of him and I am very bad at going on top. I really hate doing it.

I'm very insecure. Same, same, same, same, same. Really? Oh, that's so serious. The fucking worth, the fucking worth. And reverse, the pocket. He makes me want to kill myself. I, yeah, all of it.

You were on top of this man having mash sex, mash reflex. Oh yes. He tried to pull me on top of him. I put up the resistance, which is like, when you take a dog away from a tree, you know what I mean? And they're like, like that. Like this, you know?

And then I just was like, fuck it, just go for it. You're on mushrooms, who cares? You're never gonna see this person again. And then I went for it, and my knee went right through his drywall. I was like, I truly, I truly did not think about it. I just immediately, it was like, oh, don't worry about it, I have spackle in my truck. And he was like, and you could tell

that he had been like sitting on this question for a while, and he was like, are you sure you're not gay? And I, it was like I sobered up immediately. I was so mad. I think I remember because I had a t-shirt on because I'm insecure, but I had no pants around around. So I was just standing up, poo-bearing it, just furious. And I remember I was so mad.

And I was like, dude, I just had your dick in my mouth for like a while. I was and he was like, yeah, that's right. I was like, okay, so maybe, you know, look in the mirror. And he was like, and I thought I remember being like, he's going to get it when I say look in the mirror. And he was like, why, why should I look in the mirror? And I was like, because you're the one fucking the handyman. Are you gay? And you did not know what to say that. But that is how I feel about it. I'm like, dude, you're the one fucking the guy that you think is a dude who wants to fuck women.

Did you have to fix his wall? No, fucking way. No fucking way. No, I'm not. No, he's like it and punch it again. I mean, you've got the tools and you have to take his whole fucking house. The good thing is you don't have a lot of strong feelings about it afterwards, Jordan. Um, yes, I've let it go.

I'm really good at it. He's really doing it. He's really doing it. Yes, yes, therapy is really working. I do hate that though. I hate the like, M.I. So every boyfriend I've ever had is like, I'm worried that you're going to become a lesbian. And I'm like, I feel every fucking girl knows I suck cock and they're like, you're gonna leave me for a pussy, dude.

I have no like a cock at my mouth. You're like, don't worry, I'm not gonna fucking. You're faking the funk. But the stereotypes are really fucking real because I was always like a quote unquote, tomboy at school and into my 20s and have never had like, look, very many like girly attributes, I guess, my whole life.

And so it is really weird to get like pigeon-hold as to who it is that you must be. And be told that you don't know who you are yet, because you don't fit into their stereotype of like, what it is that you're supposed to be. It's very normal. I drive a motorcycle, but I don't have a house in my car that I could, you know, fuck everything I've got with. But that's not lesbian, that's just something women dream. I know how to do, but every woman in my life.

No, I'm saying, I'm jealous of you that you have the tools to take them. Yes, I should teach. My mom teaches women how to build and she says it is the most infuriating thing in the entire world because women are so lacking in like a hand-eye coordination thing. Oh yeah. I can't even finish a story. I can't imagine finishing building a birdhouse. It would be easy. It's easier for you to finish a story. If you didn't interrupt me every two seconds with your sad fucking A.A. shit. All right. All right. Shush. How you had Shush and Shush and Shush and Shush and Shush and Shush and Shush and Shush and Shush and Shush and Shush and Shush and Shush and Shush and Shush and Shush and Shush and Shush and Shush and Shush and Shush and Shush and Shush and Shush and Shush and Shush and Shush and Shush and Shush and Shush and Shush and Shush and Shush and Shush and Shush and Shush and Shush and Shush and Shush and Shush and Shush and Shush and Shush and Shush and Shush and Shush and Shush and Shush and Shush and Shush and Shush and Shush and Shush and Shush and Shush and Shush and Shush and Shush and Shush and Shush and Shush and Shush and Shush and Shush and Shush and Shush and Shush and Shush and Shush and Shush and Shush and Shush and Shush and Shush and Shush and Shush and Shush and Shush and Shush and Sh and Sh and Shush and Shush and Shush and Shush and Shush and Sh and Shush and Shush and Shush and Shush and Shush and Shush and Shush and Shush and Shush and Shush and Sh and Shush and Sh and Shush and Sh and Sh and Shush and Sh and Sh and Shush and Sh and Shush and Sh and Shush and Sh and Shush and Sh and Shush and Shush and Sh and Sh and Sh and so much for these fucking wild and insane stories. You're a trooper, and you do sound like a very fun day, actually.

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And we're back. Jeff, you are up now with First Date Swisher. What happened, babe? You are up now with first date swissaroo. What happened, babe? Uh, okay. Well, uh, when I was first in New York, I was an actor and a non-equity play, and the play was called slut, um, cause class. And- You are the man in Pixie Dream Girl here. You're aware of that. Am I?

This is just back. I'm not trying to spend nothing. And I had a showman, which is just like, I hooked up with somebody in the cast. And I like immediately loved him. And he was exactly my type, which is willing to kiss me. And he was like, I don't know, kind of cute, cool. And you know, like sort of didn't talk to me much. So it was one of those things

where you could like place what you believe is happening onto him and, and, and, and then you believe it. So, I don't know. I was like, we're in love. We're gonna, we're gonna have kids together, whatever. And, but also like we had never gone on a date or anything we had just, like, not even gone home with each other just like in bars You know doing hand and mouth stuff in the stall you know that thing and

We're more comfortable doing it than you are talking about it right now. Um, I hope yes. Yes. I am. Yes That's Ian's little name hand and mouth stuff in a word. Yeah, yeah, wait, because you know, in the moment, you're like, yeah, let's do this. But then when you're recounting it, you're like, I sound gross. I don't want everybody to like imagine me doing this right now. I thought I heard the stories from this podcast today. Two shade, two shade.

I'm hard. Keep talking. Enough with the shine. Okay. All we did was oral installs on each other, not just me on him either. And you're a true gentleman. Good to see you.

I am bragg. I got some too. Anyway, so he just kind of ghosted me for a while and I was texting him and calling him. He shows up at my house one night because we had tickets to see a show the next night and he showed up the night before to be like, hey, what's going on or whatever.

And I was like, I'm so glad you're here. And he's like, look, I have to tell you something. I fooled around with a next boyfriend of mine. And I'm really sorry. And I was like, oh, that's okay. Like we hadn't talked about monogamy or anything. Like I was like, oh, that's totally fine, whatever. You know, that's toy fine whatever You know that

Well, you just want to be you want to be the cool person, do you know what I mean? Like you want to be nonchalant like whatever. I'm fun. Yeah Yeah, you're right because I was a little hurt But also I was like I have no room to actually be angry about this and so then he I was like well Why don't we go on a date? Let's go on an actual date tonight. And he was like, okay, but I want you to know I want us to be monogamous. I'm for real this time. I'm going to be I want to like just be your boyfriend. And I was like, yes, please. That's all I wanted. I just wanted to be loved so so bad. And so I was like, great. Yes, I'll be your boyfriend.

I'll totally be monogamous. That sounds great. Awesome. So we were going out and he's like, I wanna go out and celebrate. Let's go somewhere crazy. Let's do something fun. I was like, well, I got an invitation.

A friend of mine is having a birthday party tonight. Do you wanna go to my friend's birthday party? And he's like, yeah, let's fucking go to your birthday party. We'll be going as boyfriends and I was like, yeah. And so we go. And it was full of people. It was pretty pandemic. Everyone was just like, let's get to the eases.

And so I was talking to this, these women who I had not met before, but they were mutual friends of the birthday boy. And I was friends with the birthday boy. He was so many tempt with. Are we that good of friends? I don't know. We saw each other in the break room. Anyway, so I was talking to them and they were like, what'd you do tonight?

And I was like, well, I got a boyfriend. And I was also on fire and they were laughing so hard. But they were really kind and warm and they were excited for me that I was dating someone. I pointed them out across the room. And then one of the women was like, which one was he? And we couldn't find him. And I was like, I don't know where he is. And I just was like, oh, he's in the kitchen,

which is sort of off the thing. He's probably getting a drink in the kitchen. Probably getting me a drink, because I'm eating a new boyfriend. He's probably getting me a drink. Oh, Jimmy, he's not so sweet of him. Anyway, then finally, what on goes, no, I just saw him go into the bathroom

And and I was like, oh, I was like oh, so he's he's peeing and they're like well He's been there a long time and he didn't go in alone and I was like oh Well, they're probably just doing illicit drags, you know He's there you're just, he's shooting up. Like, please, I don't believe. Yeah, please be shooting for a stalemath. I hope it's hard to find a vein. That's why it's taking so long.

So then they come out and it was him and the guy whose party it was, the birthday boy. And they didn't know each other. Like, I just brought him to this party. And so one of the women was like, oh God, do you think they were hooking up? And I was like, no. We're monogamous. It was stated explicitly by him after or after nothing.

Exactly. I didn't even prompt it. And then time goes by and another, the woman comes up to me and is like, Hey, your boyfriend is in that loft bed. And I turned around and I could just tell from his feet that he was performing oral sex on someone. You know, like you could just see them out and kind of like,

like just the motion was like, yeah, that's a rhythmic motion that feels like a blowjob, you know? He's changing a tire or sucking a dick. Yeah. I'm pleased let it carb you up there. Please let it be a Ford. So I climb up the little stairs of the thing and he's totally giving head to the birthday boy.

And I was like, let's just call him Brian. I was like, Brian, I think I'm gonna leave. And he was like, oh, my God. Well, he actually did come up and he was like, okay, I don't want to go yet. And I was like, oh, my God. Okay. Um, and then I was like, we had tickets to a show the next night. Somebody else who was in the show with us,

we were going to see their new show. And I was like, are we gonna still go see Meredith's show? Oh no. And is this another guy lying there like dick out while you two are having this chat over his talk? Yes. And by the way, I know him. And he just doesn't speak to me. Like I know him more than the guy who, more than my boyfriend or whatever.

I mean, I can't imagine what he was going through just getting a blowjob and then you pop up like a sad go for. Just like, and so then I climbed down the stairs and and instead of being like, hey, this is fucked up. I was just like, I'll walk home in case he calls me. I don't wanna be in this somewhere. So I walked from 23rd and 6th to second, and sixth street, second Avenue and sixth street. Yeah, queen.

And I just kept turning up the volume on my phone. Oh, Jeff Moe. Did he have a cool? I'm pretty sure he just didn't talk to me at all. And I just went to the show by myself, hoping he would show up. Oh, my God. And then eventually he did show up because he had left some stuff at my apartment.

I was so stupid. I was like, I just want you to know, it didn't end well, but I really enjoyed our time together. And he was like, whoa, dramatic. Oh my God, that's not stupid. That's very sweet. And he probably started writing it. He's stupid.

He doesn't understand what monogamy means. He asked for monogamy with absolutely no understanding of what that meant within the hour. With the suggestion. And I have to tell you, I never called him out on it either. I never like was, I never said, wait, you said we were going to be monogamous and then you cheated on me while I was in the room. Yeah.

Jeff, I want to put you in my pocket and find this man and just give him an e and I'm too big. I'm too big to fit in your pocket. I'm so big. You know what? Just the right size for my pocket is fine, babe. You know, between the three of us, we could get you in our pocket, I feel like, we can go and beat the shit out of this man. Jeff, that story is honestly one of the most heartbreaking

of this entire season. I will never recover from this story ever. It's so refreshing that you admitted all of the little details. We've all been there, but we never, we never like actually say them, they're like, they're not wanting to go underground. I've done that so many times, but like, that's a nice night. I'm going to walk. It's a blizzard. Oh, yeah. I'm just getting hailed to the eyeballs.

It's just two hours. Yeah. My version of the warriors just like going back to Brooklyn fighting people on the way. Maybe he'll call. Yeah. I don't know. It just brings out the most vulnerable in us, doesn't it? Are you alright?

We have all been there. We've all we've all done that. It's so infuriating. It's so infuriating and they never deserve it. I'm glad to see that you've ended up with someone who does, Jeff. Yes. Nice happy. I don't worry.

It ended up being fine. You fucking win. All right, big fucking TV star. Look at Jordan and just cobbling. We have each other. Plotanically. Yeah. Yeah. These stories have been absolutely bonkers

and you're all a fucking dream. And before you go, our listeners are a wonderful part of this show and they send in letters and voicemails. and I'd love to play one now that just came in. So, should we take it away? Hello Jamila and esteemed guests. Here's the story of my worst date, which I've called a hopeless fister's journey. I started chatting online to a guy that lived in the city. I was moving too soon. I was going there for a weekend to apartment hunt and we decided to go on a date and to meet up for dinner.

While in his apartment, he points me towards a wooden chest to pick something out for the night. Opening the chest, I find at least 30 individually wrapped sex toys in Ziploc bags. That he then tells me that him and his friends all trade and share. Goes into the bathroom and leaves the door open. He yells at me asking me to come in. I go in and find him there completely naked standing, bending over the sink. He asks, would you shave my asshole? I want it to get ready so you can fist me. He asked me this as he's making my contact with me through the mirror. I told him I forgot something in the car and would be

right back. I got my car in drove to my hotel as fast as I could before my fist could be gobbled up by his booty. He messaged with the next day, wishing me the best, but that he didn't really feel a connection. I can't say I disagree. Thanks for listening. Oh my God, gobbled up. That's the best use of gobbled up I've heard in years. Also, he just said, I'm going to get something in my car and left. And the guy still said, I'm going to get something in my car and left and the guy still felt the next day the need to email and be like, I don't think it's working. I didn't feel a connection.

I didn't feel your fist connect with my anus. Yeah, that'd be fun if he was like, hey, so I'm still waiting for you to come back. I hope the sound would be looking forward. Just, likes a Kimbo and she had somebody else walked in and they're like, yeah, I applied the shaving cream. The pride for me. Like also, how long do we think he stood there? Like shaving cream on our toe, bent over. Oh my God. He's just looking at his watch. Minimum. Minim He's like, oh, I hate him. It would start to burn after a while.

I'm sure all those people. How many times has he done that? He feels that comfortable to do. Yeah, and also, is he boiling these sex toys? Why are they in a ziplock bag? Okay, I was worried like, and his friend said them. Am I just super vanilla or do you share them? Is that normal to share?

I mean, it's not sisterhood of the traveling pants. It's not, you know, it's not a book club. What is happening? Yeah, that's crazy. I don't know any of this. I don't know any of this. Post pandemic, I don't even want to shake anyone's hand because of the potential penal imprint that's on it. So I can't even imagine sharing a sex. So I don't even want to go bowling anymore, post pandemic. I can't imagine that. I don't know any of the people who've visited someone and then bowled.

Exactly. I mean, bowling is kind of the first step to fisting. You got to put your fingers in there. Yeah, exactly. It's a gateway. It is the gateway. It's the educational diagram. Yeah. You're all a fucking dream. Thank you so much for these stories. It's been incredibly bonding this episode. It feels like we're all very close dream. Thank you so much for these stories. It's been incredibly bonding this episode. It feels like we're all very close now, especially you Ian and Jordan. You're basically asleep on each other now.

Before we go, when you tell people where we can find you and what we should be watching of yours, un-istening to. Me and Jordan have the most fun together on our podcast. Ian Ian with Jordan comes out every Wednesday on YouTube. Our Patreon is patreon.com slash beanie and pod for bonus episodes. Lots of cool bonus stuff.

Lots of cool bonus stuff. We get real wild. Little crazy. Little crazy. I guess that's about now. I have a bunch of, I just got two dates. Two or dates coming up, eandfydance.com and iAnimal69 on Instagram and twitter. Thank you. Nice. My dates are all on

jordanjensencomedy.com right? Yes. And then yeah I'm on instagram at jordanjensen.lll stop and I need people to subscribe to my YouTube, which is Jordan Jensen comedy. Please do that because I have a half hour coming. Tell them about your special. Yeah, that's what you said. I have a half hour coming out. She's shooting a special on July. It's going to be so far.

Yes. But I need people to subscribe because it's going to go there. It's going to go there. You're both hilarious. I'm so excited for the special. I can't wait. And Jeff, my darling. Oh, and I'm on Instagram at Boom Boom Hiller.

We'll go find all these people, they're all very funny, they're all very lovely. And I'm very glad to have met and hung out with all of you. Thanks for coming. Thank you for having us. Thank you. This was a blast. Thank you. Right, so crazy. Bad dates is produced by Smartless Media and Wondery, created by Robert Cohen. Executive producers are Robert Cohen and Jemida Jamil.

That's me, produced by Stuart Bayley, produced, engineered and edited by Devon Tori Bryant, also engineered and edited by Karl McGraw. Talent producer is Anne Harris, associate producer is Maddie McCann. Music by Kushy and Evan Schletter. Executive producers are Will Arnett, Jason Vaatman and Sean Hayes. Executive producers for Smartless Media are Richard Coulson and Bernie Kaminsky. If you've had a bad day and you'd like to tell us all about it, our number is 984-265-3283 and our email is baddatespod at gmail.com. We can't wait to hear all about it. That's all for this week. We will see you next time for more bad dates.

Hello, Prime Members! You can listen to bad dates early and add free on Amazon Music. Download the Amazon Music app today, or you can listen early and add free with Wondery Plus in Apple Podcasts. Before you go, tell us about yourself by completing a short survey at Wondery.com slash survey. podcast. Before you go, tell us about yourself by completing a short survey at Wondery.com slash survey.