Bad Dates with Jameela Jamil - Mole Money, Mole Problems (w/ Sam Morril, Sam Jay, and Steph Tolev)

Episode Date: August 28, 2023

On this episode of Bad Dates, Jameela welcomes comedians Sam Morril, Sam Jay, and Steph Tolev to discuss their most iconic dating fiascos. Sam M has an uninvited visitor, Sam Jay has two uninvited visitors, and Steph receives an uninvited medical procedure that will haunt your dreams. If you’ve had a bad date you’d like to tell us about, our number is 984-265-3283, and our email is [e-mail], we can’t wait to hear all about it.Sam Morril: Tickets and information at sammorril.comSam Jay: @samjaycomic on Twitter and InstagramSteph Tolev: @stephtolev on Twitter and InstagramSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Sam, I've never had anything to drink on a date ever. So I never get to get into these crazy scenarios, but I've been dating completely sober my entire life. That's crazy. Good for you, though. I mean, it wasn't just I just don't like the smell of alcohol and anything I don't like the smell of, I don't put in my mouth.

If that's a drink, or disco, or whatever, it's a flat out rule that I think has kept me quite safe, orally. Uh, uh, uh, bad dates. Hello, everyone. Uh, first up, we have comedian actor, podcast, and writer Sam Marill, also joining us as the fabulous Sam J.

And we are so happy to have Steph Tollev, a stand-up and sketch comedian and host of the podcast, Steph Infection. Which is such a great name for a show, which is all about her weird body ailment. So you know what, Steph, I'm just gonna jump in straight with you. It's true.

How is dating when that is a show that you put out to the world? Oh, it was bad for a long time. I tend to have very gross people like me and gross things happen all the time. So that's why I had to do a podcast about all my fucking ailments. We can swear. As in fucking ailments, ailments that you have while fucking. I currently have hives that I've had for about three months and I can't get rid of them so I'm covered in a welts constantly.

I found out I was allergic to the sun this year and I have like scars on me. Yeah, yeah, like open sore as my sister's wedding. I'm falling apart. I could be dying. I'm not really sure. Oh my God, we're so lucky to have you in your final moment. Oh, this is amazing.

So your dating has- This is like the story of Passover right here. This is like dating Humpty Dumpty. Yeah, I relate on many levels. Don't worry, you're not alone. Sam, Moral, how would you say dating you is? What's that experience? Like before we go and we talk about others, what's the vibe? What are people getting? Before we go and we talk about others, what's the vibe? What are people getting? An exercise in patience. Why? I'm never at home, I'm always on the road, and I'm not. I mean, going on dates in New York is exhausting too. A lot of the people

have just terrible personalities, so that's difficult. You go out and I use the apps a lot, so you look at a picture at a picture and they look great there and then they show up and you're like, Oh, this is fucking horrible, you know? What because they look different from their picture or because they're personal. No, no, no, they usually look like the picture. It's just yeah, I'd a girl like mad at me. She was showing me pictures of her dog for like the first 10 minutes and I was like, Oh, cool. And she goes, that's it. She's like, you can't you fake it a little bit.

And I was like, that was me faking it. That way that that's a we're getting a hell no from Sam. Yeah, I don't like that type, cool. And she goes, that's it. She's like, you can't you fake it a little bit. And I was like, that was me faking it. That way, that's a, we're getting a hell no from Sam. Yeah, I don't like that type of behavior. The dog picks? Yeah, it's just like, I don't know you. Don't force that. Don't force stuff on me like that.

Oh my God. Yeah, I don't want to see your kid picks. Let alone your dog picks. It's like, for 10 minutes, what the fuck? It was a lot, it was a lot of dark picks. I wonder if you did that with your dick picks. Why don't you just start off a date taking one of the two 10 minutes to take it.

I do, and I demand way more than cool. It's also like the one for her to want you to fake it. So she already knows this is not a cool thing to do to somebody. Because she's like, oh, can't you just fake it? It's like, who wants that out of a person? So you're already not a good lady. I don't say that during sex.

I know you didn't get off, so I don't ask you to fake it. I'm surprised to hear this, because I feel like the brag of New Yorkers. And I've always believed it up until now is that they have better personalities than everyone else. I feel that there's a lot of judgment coming from the island about everyone else's personalities. I live in Los Angeles, I know that New Yorkers shit on LA, they're shit on many. They don't really shit on the British because all of you are poisoned with this belief that we are good, but we're not with trash.

No, LA is worse. I'm just a New Yorker. For sure. Yeah, but New York's still got its duds. Come on. Fair enough. is worse. I'm just a New York show guy. Sure. It's does, yeah, but New York's still got its does. Come on. Fair enough. Fair enough. And you're just sort of sifting through them

for everyone else. Wait, for sure. L.A., you guys, you love to lean on the weather and the space. Well, guess what? That doesn't make for a great personality because when you're comfortable and in a spacious place, you'll put up with a little more shit. When it's cold out and you're with a terrible person,

you're like, I'm not gonna be cold and unhappy, you know what I mean? And spending too much money. Yeah, absolutely. Sam, how is dating you? What can people expect? Well, now, because I'm engaged in a lot of secrecy, if I was dating someone. Like, but prior to that, I don't know.

I'm a good, crazy time. That's how I feel. It's a good, crazy time. So you feel like you're not the bad day ever? I'm not ever the bad day, but I can be alive. I can be alive. Okay. But it always pays off.

It's always a payoff. Listen, I feel like the fact that it's ending with an engagement feels like you can't be too bad. Does everyone single, engage, married, babies? Just me. I'm single. I have a boyfriend now for the first time in eight years. Oh my god, I'm so happy for you. I know. Thank you. I'm so single that the other day I was a microwaving eggs. I do that.

That's really bad move though. That's a single guy move though. I make scrambled eggs in the microwave. Don't they turn green? Don't they turn green? No, I don't know. It doesn't sound good. It's also very rich of me to now become judgmental of you.

But yeah, no, with the fork, can you make a little scrambled? They become very fluffy. As long as you eat them, you have about 0.5 seconds to eat it before it disintegrates. Yeah, gross. That is gross. And we're going to special egg hell. And bad dates.

Bad dates. Sameral's story is called surprise ending, and it feels like a porn category. It should be a porn cat. I mean there might be footage of this. There could be a video of this out there. Unfortunately, yeah, what happened was I went on a date with a girl. This is probably like 10, 11 years ago. I had to break up and, you know, I was pretty sad and I met this girl. I think it was like fucking early days of Tinder. And she looked better than the photos.

When she showed up, she was super hot. Love that. And it was some, you know, dive bar in Brooklyn. And I would love to say that we got wasted, but it was just me. And I was smashed. I remember because at the end of the day, it was like a cold New York winter and I kissed her. And as I let her go, she was like very proper

and she goes, oh my, I didn't expect that. And I was wrecked. So I said, you better fucking expect it. And. Oh no. Never, never heard from her after that obviously. How often do you get juggle on the first day? Like how often do you get like fucked up?

I like to give someone the worst version of myself early on instead of working up to it, you know, how about you? I never get hammered on the first day. Really? Yeah, I'm too busy trying to like keep it all cool. You'll stand right now. Yeah. Fucking lit up. If it's a off-tender, I'm pre-gaming at my house alone. I'm going in, I'm going in warm. Yeah, I think that like if you're the like the feminine side of

the day, it's okay. More than if you're, yeah. Wait, why? I guess I don't know. I'm the lady, I guess. I just feel like get like when you're yeah, I think it's I I just don't know the lady I guess in this date I just feel like get like When you're like the guy and you get like hammered. It's just like This it's a warning that you're a loser. It's like this. I would think that Jesus Christ. I'm Jay coming in fucking hall Look look it was like a dive Tiki bar. I'm not a fucking winner. I was excited. You were thrilled. Well, look, it was like a dive teaky bar. I'm not a fucking winner. I'll give you that.

She's not wrong. But then what happened was I get a texturer. Like I never, I texturer like one follow up, no reply. So I was like, all right, we're done here. I get it. I blew it. And then like two or three months later, I get a text during the afternoon, where are you?

And I was like, you know, I was in like a union square with my, you know, just like having lunch. And I was just like, I'm a union square and she writes, I wanna see you when I wanna get freaky with you is what she writes. And I just wrote back, I wrote back, oh yeah, with a question mark. And she, I don't know how to respond to that.

And she wrote back, do you to get your dick sucked or not? So you know, I excuse myself and lunch with my parents. That's where I was. Because I was like, I don't want to take this. I got to call, to me, I'm like, it seems like someone robbed her and stole her phone and is looking for the dumbest fuck. Yeah, you're being human trafficked in this scenario.

I'm dead. I'm dead meat. I'm 40 dead guy. So I call her and I say, what's going on? She goes, look, I had a bad week of work. I just want to see fuck you. I knew it. Yeah.

So I go back to my parents. I lied to my mom and said I had an audition that just came up, which is like not a high point in my life. It's kind of true. No, but it's kind of in a way. Yeah, but you don't want your mom to be like, go get them after you fucking leave it for oral sex. You're like her safe school of dick.

Like you know, they're like picked as a safety college. But like a dick. Yeah. I'm Arizona State. Yeah. Wait, so then what happened? Did you go? I, yeah, went and I remember I was with my friend Rachel Feinstein earlier that day and

I was like, hey, just this is how you know I'm going into a bad situation. I said, hey, I'm going to go to this girls apartment in Brooklyn. Just in case anything shady happens, here's the address. Let's take my, if I get murdered. I'm a total idiot. Like clearly this is a bad decision. It was a different apartment than when I dropped her off at. But I'm like, I'm in New York,

or I'm like, yeah, people sublet. This is an expensive city. So I go to the place and I say, hey, meet me downstairs. Maybe downstairs, there's a good, like, die bar here, we'll have a drink. It's the afternoon. I need some liquid courage. Yeah. And she goes, no, I got a bottle of die bar here, we'll have a drink. It's the afternoon, I need some liquid courage.

And she goes, no, I got a bottle of Scotch upstairs, just kind of. No, no, no, no, no, I've seen this horror movie. Yeah, so I say, just come down and get me, I'm nervous, I'm like a little off. And then she comes down and she goes, it is her. Okay. So we go to the apartment, there's nothing in the apartment except a couch. And she goes, And it is her. It is her. Okay. So we go to the apartment, there's nothing in the apartment except a couch

and a bottle of scotch as well. She wasn't lying about the scotch. So I down one scotch, she pulls me another way down and she's starting to... We don't have a question that there's nothing else in the apartment. I guess it's... Couch and a bottle of scotch, that's it. This is why something got taken. I know.

Your penis can be a really over-eager friend. You're questioning something up here, but my dick is like, you know, opportunist. Yeah. So I said, all right, what, we start making out. She starts going down on me. And then she just stops the blowjob and goes, I sure hope my roommate doesn't catch us.

And I was like, yeah, me too. I also hope your roommate doesn't catch us. And I was like, yeah, me too. I also hope your roommate doesn't catch us. Let's go to your bedroom and she goes, no, I want him to catch us. And I was like, wait, what? Him? Oh my God. This is when I should have left.

Oh my God, you didn't leave. I didn't leave here. This is when I should have left. But we go to a bedroom. She continues to go down to me. And I want to say it was like 45 seconds later, the door swings open. It's a dude, he's shredded. He's got a, yeah, he's got like a cast on his hand, which I'm like, in the moment.

He hits people. Yeah, that's what I thought. He fucking fight, he's tatted up. He's just staring at me while she's sucking me off. And I remember this moment the most clearly I just turned to him and I go, can I help you? That's what came out of my mouth. I don't know what else to say. Still sucking your dick while you're saying this to him. She's still, I'm still hard, but I'm fucking confused. Okay. And I was like, what's going on? And he goes,

are we going to do this? And I was like, do what? And he said, holy shit. Is a pretty bad day. So I was like, are we gonna do what? And he goes, her and I said, oh, no, I'm not that type of person at all. And he goes with the doors, the doors that way. Like he gave me like, you're either in your app. That was the vibe.

And I was like, oh, I'm fucking, I'm out. Obviously, this is, I'm not doing this. And she, and he looked at, I looked at her for something like, why, like, would you do this? And she just kind of like was like, all right, then leave. That was like the look she gave me. So I, uh. What happened to the woman who said the words,

and I've not heard anyone say this in like a hundred years, oh my, like, what happened to that girl, the proper girl who was surprised by the kiss at the end? It was an act, I guess, I mean, you know, so I'm still in the mode now where I'm like, picture no, he's got a cast, are they gonna beat the shit out of me and rob me? I don't know what's gonna happen.

So I didn't even pull my pants all the way up, I grabbed my backpack, this is the hard one into an orgy potential orgy story. And I left and I remember walking out like, briskly and walking around. This was in like Williamsburg. I remember walking around the McCarran Park and just feeling like such a fucking loser. And when I hit my absolute lowest,

my mom called me to see how the audition went. Oh my God. You told her that you had an audition? Yeah, that's why I got to get out of here. This audition came up. That's how I left lunch. Oh my God. So yeah, no, I felt like, and then I called Rachel

and she's like, you're a fucking idiot. You're so stupid, I'm glad you're okay. Yeah, I'm stupid. But what's so funny is like, clearly she was like, who's, what's like, Steve? Do I know that will be down? Like you gave her the impression that you were the guy to call for this job

for some so much shaming coming out of Sam Jay. What was Sam? No, I gave, I think actually that's not shaming. I think Sam is saying that I'm, I put out a more bad S5 than I am. Yeah, because the way you kissed her and you were like, all drunk and like, yeah, you better be ready, baby. And she was like, oh, I know who's like down for this type of action. And then he wasn't even down for the action.

Because she didn't think you were respectable enough to date. Like that behavior took you off the menu as dateable. That's true. But I don't know if she sounds like she's the type of person who does date. It sounds like I think she does. I think she has two different lives. That's why I think you got the O My. I think she's like two different girls. And she was like, she was coming to Sam being the O My girl. And she was like,, oh no, he only deserves to meet the slut. So that's when she called her for slutty time.

No, you're totally right. She was trying, I was trying to get on the dinner menu and she pushed me to a brunch special. Yeah. And even then I couldn't deliver. I mean, that's what you're saying. And that's what they you face into the buffet. Yeah. I was waiting like the buddy like waiting in the hallway like we're in a closet.

By the way, if I did this to her, my fucking career would be over. I was thinking that as soon as you said it. I was like, this is only, this is only amusing because you're a guy that that is, that's such a bold thing to do. I'm so amazed when I hear of people who are this sexually bold like to do it in the daytime. I know. Extraordinary. I can't believe you didn't sexually bold, like to do it in the daytime. I know. Extraordinary.

I can't believe you didn't go immediately limp when the guy walked in. You're still like, I'm still kind of hard here. Let's see where this takes us. You didn't even. I get that. Yeah, we all caught that soft brag. I don't know that you could just turn it off, you know?

Especially if you know. This is me 10, 11 years ago. Okay. The same route today, he's going soft a little sooner. Some people get an erection when they're excited or stressed. Like there was that guy, there's the amazing photograph. We've ever seen them of the guy that swam like the,

I think he'd won like the race across the channel tunnel or something that he'd swam the British channel. And he had a raging erection while he's getting all of his photographs taken and he's so like caught up in the adrenaline. He can't even tell so he's standing there and very tight like light blue, swimming trunks. Oh you got the details. Rock solid. Yeah, yeah, but they're my screens everywhere on my phone. Oh my god, well Sam, I'm so happy that you made out of that alive. Yeah, what an awful death that would have been.

If my mom had to identify my body with my pants down and maybe still hard, I don't know, that would suck. But he could have made it more appealing to like, he didn't make it sexy for you. They didn't make it sexy for you. I actually feel bad for you. They could have gotten you a better setup. She could have like gave you a nice drink when you walked in,

but him just walking in like, what's up, we're gonna bang her bro, it's like, dude, you're not even making this cool. This is off to couch and scotch, and now, the furniture, everything screams in my cast. And you have a cast on your hand, man. Yeah, explain the cast. Also, you're in or you're out as Ocean's 11 vibes.

That's not like brand new orgy vibes. Yeah. I told my friend this story at a Caroline's comedy club, which is no longer with us. I remember Tony I'm like right after the next day. And he goes, he just like took a drag of a cigarette and he goes, I would have fucked both of them. What was this friend? Ian Biden. Okay, well, on that note, we're going to go to a quick break. Welcome to Bishop Gray Academy, the country's most exclusive boarding school, a place where the best and brightest art fighting to be prom queen or captain of the football team. They're on track to become the next Supreme Court justice.

Academy is a new scripted podcast that follows Ava Richards, a brilliant scholarship student who must quickly adapt in a school where rules mean nothing, and money means everything. Ava sets her sights on being the first scholarship student to make the list. Bishop Gray's all coveted academic top 10, curated by the headmaster himself. But with no clear path to the top, she joins the Knight of the Wolf, Bishop Grey's underground society. If she bends to their demands in exchange for her own success, one of the 10 coveted spots will be hers, but at what cost?

Enjoy Academy on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. Binge all 10 episodes of Academy Early and Add Free on Wondery Plus. Join Wondery Plus in the Wondry app or on Apple Podcasts. [♪ Music playing in what to expect, but I know you have two stories, and the title I've been given, because I never get to hear these stories beforehand, is first time for everything. Okay, so one of these stories is from my straight life, and then one of these stories is from my gay life.

Okay. So when I was young, it's maybe 16, I was head of boyfriend, and I thought I loved him. He was, he was light skinned, and he had hazel eyes with, in the black community is a big deal. This is a big fine, this is a big catch. So I felt very cute and lucky. And we finally, after a few make-out sessions at his house

where no one was home, he like, you know, got first, a second, a at his house when no one was home, he, like, you know, got first, second to third type of action over the top of the pants. And finally, he kind of convinced me like, hey, let's do it Friday night. Cause like when you're young, you set a date in a time for real. You gotta like truly schedule it.

Was it been like when you're old and you're a parent? Yeah. Yeah, exactly. It just kind of like reversed it so, in that way. So he was like, you know, Friday night, let's do it. My mom's not gonna be home type of deal. And I was like, totally sure, I'm all in. So I go over, I made sure I had on my new Calvin Klein

underwear that I got for Marshall's, cute, very cute. When they were making like the boy shorts for girls, which also probably was a sign that I got for Marshall's cute, very cute. When they were making like the boy shorts for girls, which also probably was a sign that I was gay because I was really into those boy shorts for girls. That was really into that run. So I get over there and he pulls out a magnum, which I didn't think was gonna fit. No, the ice cream.

No, not the ice cream, but the condom, which all black men think they are supposed to be able to wear magnums. It's like just embedded in their brain, but it didn't fit. So luckily, he also had a lifestyle because he wasn't sure. So he started large and then downsize himself.

Mm-hmm. Oh. And we start to have sex, which I'm absolutely not into. Like as soon as it starts to happen, I'm like, this is a fucking mistake. What am I doing? I'm not enjoying this at all. But luckily for me, the game was on and it was the Pacers versus the Bulls, it was the NBA Finals.

So it was the game where Reggie Miller pushed off Michael Jordan. It was a controversial pushoff. So I was watching the game kind of like over his shoulder while he was just like pumping in and out of me. And that's kind of what was called. I know just an awful way to lose your virginity. An awful way to lose your virginity. And I'm watching the game.

I'm totally like into it hanging out, mine in my business while he's doing whatever he's doing. And this suddenly someone walks in the room. Was it a man with a cost? A man. It's a man who looks like him but is older. And he goes, oh yeah, my brother just got out of jail. So his brother, who's just happening today, who just got out of prison, is standing in the room and he's like, oh yeah, dog, you hit in that shit. He just starts like, oh, having this conversation with him about him fucking me. And he's like, yeah, dog, you hit in that shit.

That's was up. That's was up.. That's what's up. She eyed too. And he's like, next time you either use these, and he like left some rough riders on the bed. And he was like, that's how you, and it's like clear, he's just like a jail dude, and he's used to having these type of conversations

when people are, it's very normal to do everything in front of each other. It's taking a shit alone in years. Exactly. So he has no, like he doesn't care that I'm losing my virginity. He doesn't It isn't taking a shit alone in years. Exactly. So he has no, like he doesn't care that I'm losing my virginity. He doesn't care that he's a grown man and I'm a little girl with little girl titties. He's just like, yeah, beat that shit up.

And then he like, oh, he like goes in the closet. He like picks out an outfit. He changes his shirt at all times. We all in the room. All in the room. And I can't. He's still being pumped to hug. And all the time. We all in the room. All in the room. And I can't. He's still being pumped to high. And I'm just telling you,

he's literally at this point, just like laying, like penis in me, laying in me like Mormon style. Like he's just in me. Not moving. Soaking. Soaking. Yeah.

Just soaking. Just soaking. And I can't get up, because I'll be naked in front of this guy if I get up. So I had to wait for him to like fully get his outfit together. And then he was like, all right, yo, I'm going out to fuck with these freaks. I'll be back later and then he just left. And that's how I lost my virginity.

I just want to say just a declarative fight. It's not just black man who wear made-in condoms. Every single fucking man thinks they're dick-confident. And it happens all the fucking time. The amount of men I've seen trying to put a plastic bag on their tiny little cock, I'm like, who are these four? Like, it's every guy, just so you know, it's every... Thank you, for that. Good to know, good to know.

I knew this story was going to take a dark turn when a woman was facing out to watch basketball during sex. Yes That's a bad sign You're getting caught and you're like may a Mark Jackson's having a good game bad dates. So story number two Okay It's now many of years later. years later, young gay salmon Atlanta. And I meet this girl via Craigslist, right? When people were still doing anonymous hookups off Craigslist. And she had this post, it was like,

oh, I like anime and hanging out. And I was like, John had just figured out my gayness. So I was like, I kind of like that stuff too. Maybe this will be a cool hang. So I end up going out, hanging out with this girl, and I can't believe you've dated someone of Craig's list. That is fucking... I totally dated someone my first girlfriend.

My first girlfriend, I know, terrible. I, we hang out, and I'm like, I fucking dig this chick. She's cool. So she invites me back over the next night. And she lives in like this big house in North Druid Hills with like her mom and her brother and she had like that, whatever. So we're over there with kicking and watching heroes.

Things are getting steamy during the commercials, right? But we're both dorks. So it's like, we're both totally in the heroes. It's a good time. It gets late. And she's like, well, why don't you just stay? And I'm like, cool. And this whole time, I don't tell her, like, I've never been with a woman or anything like that

because I'm like, being the man and I'm being cool. You know what I mean? Like, hell yeah, but I've never even seen a vagina in my face at this point. So we get in the room, we're just hooking up, it's going in, I'm like, I'm gonna go down on this chick. Like, I know it, I make this decision. Like, it's time to pop this thing on off.

And we're listening to music and I go down on her and the song from Little Mermaid starts to play. Like, which one? I wanna be where the people are. That's one, that one. Cause she has it in her mix. She just had her thing on random. Red fucking flag.

So, little Murray talk goes on and I'm like, oh, this is fucking kinda weird, but I'm not gonna stop eating this pussy. Like, I've never done this before and I'm here and I'm not turning back. So, I eat her out through the little mermaid song. We're still going and then a guy walks in. Oh my God.

Shot the fuck up. Is there a theme that I didn't know about in this episode. What's happening? This is my first time again, mind you, my first time with a woman and a guy walks in and it's her uncle. He just starts talking and he's like, uh, when a young mother leaves the kegs and she's like, and I'm under the covers in this girl's like, whole vagina. Do you think she knows you're that? I don't, I don't know. So she's like, she's like, you know, I don't know. You need to get out and he's like, oh, oh,

I just need to know where the keys are. I'm just trying to go get something from the store. And she's like, you need to leave. And he's like, oh, why? Cause you got company and I'm like, oh, she knows that I'm eating her pussy right now. This guy is like, you need to leave. And he's like, oh, why? Because you got company. And I'm like, oh, he knows that I'm eating her pussy right now. This guy is like cutting. And there was a bathroom off of her room.

He goes, well, I'm just going to use the bathroom real quick. He proceeds to go in the bathroom. He's wearing headphones. He's still always wearing these wireless headphones. He would wear them and listen to the hip hop. Like, anywhere he was, cooking eggs at the stove, like truly like a prisoner. Like he would be at the stove, cooking eggs, listening to these headphones.

So he's on the toilet, he's taking a shit. You can hear him straining, and he's also wrapping 50 cents. So he's all like, Oh! Oh! So he's like, he's like shitting,, so he's like, he's like shitting and then he's like, gee, you in it.

We in here, bo, but then he's like, and it was like fucking wild. He took like a 30 minute dump. It felt like, and then he like, Lee. Were you still going during this? I was gonna think, kudos, if you're still going down and have a nice few minutes. I stopped. I stopped when he was dumping. I was like, Kudos, if you're still going down and have a nice few minutes. No, I stopped.

I stopped when he was dumping. I was like, this is, I can't, I can't. This is crazy. So I just came up for air and I'm just laying in the bed at this point. Like, I will just wait for whatever this is to be over. He comes out and he's like, what's up, man? To be, he daps me.

I'm not confident he watched his hands. And then he leaves and she's just like, oh, I'm sorry, that's my uncle. He lives with the blah blah blah and I mean afterwards I kept eating her pussy or whatever because by that point I had been distanced and I wasn't gonna leave with nothing. So I was like, fine, let's fucking finish this. But I mean, that's how I lost my gay virginity. Oh, damn. God, that is fucking crazy.

The uncle for some reason is grosser. I don't know why, it's something set me off with that. I don't like that. Well, a dad might have lost it. And uncle has the comfort level to drop a doose. That's the problem. A hundred percent, but it's definitely wrong and then the wrapping of 50 cent. Almost if that's an attempt to try and give you privacy or something, you know what I mean?

He was setting the moon. He was wrapping about the candy shop at the lollipop. Do you remember what he said? Yeah, which song was ruined? It was the intro, the intro to get Richard died trying to get in. But we are here. But we're gonna get the drama started. We're gonna bump up up up. It's going to now because I'm around that one. So this is so what up gangsta? That one that one though. So you show so, so a little mermaid and 50 cents are really on the same day. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's the moment. On this real theme of like no locks on doors, or doors even, were there any doors in any one's stories today? Oh yeah, cause Sam, your door just came bust and open too. Yeah. Wasn't my door, but yeah, yeah, no, it's, I mean,

that's the thing is like, all you want is the other person. This is this episode is just cock blocks. Like a mug. Yeah. Okay, great. Oh my goodness. All right, we'll be right back after this. Back dates. It is every parent's nightmare when folding in South Jersey, the searches on for an 11-year

old Kate-Mate County boy missing since yesterday afternoon, so far searches have found only his left sneaker near his home. It's hard to imagine losing a loved one, a wife, a husband, a child. For many, it's their biggest fear. Amarissa Jones, host of The Vanished, a podcast that tells the stories of often overlooked and unsolved missing persons cases. Every week, I dive into a new case,

sharing the details of their mysterious disappearance, including interviews with family, friends, law enforcement, and even suspects in an effort to reveal the truth. And I'm proud to say that this podcast has aided in a number of arrests. It's important to me to remember the human behind the headline and help family members find their vanished loved one, or at least a sense of peace. Follow the vanished wherever you get your podcasts. You can listen ad-free on Amazon Music or the Wondery app.

And we're back. All right, Steph, I'm dying to hear your story. It is curiously called Moulbite. I mean, I feel like the title itself is giving some away. In this day and age, that could mean anything. So, yeah. And we know it could. It could be like a little ground mold that came out, gave me little nibble somewhere in the long spot. There could be a lot of options here.

But so this happened off a man that I met off of Tinder, I believe. It was Tinder Hinch, who knows anymore with fucking apps. You meet these clowns off of. He did say he was a glass blower. And I don't know why, that's not good because what I met up with him at this bar, he'd let open source. And I was like, oh, I'm assuming it's from the glass blowing. I don't know a lot of glass blowers, I'm not sure.

I'm sorry, what do you mean by open source? Like he had like scabs and some of them were not healed. Okay. So I assume those are all the stores. On his face, mostly on his face, and a little on his arms, maybe glass flies around, I don't know. So he immediately gives me this little glass thing he blew,

like a little tiny, it was like a little tiny thing, like put on a necklace and had like a little S on it. And I was like, he's like, this is for you. And I'm like, we are to give somebody you've never met in your life a little thing you blew at work today. Hopefully the Scab was born from making that, I don't know for sure. So we go to this bar. I'm like, I don't know if you ever want those dates where you're just like, you just kind of want to get Foxy to like care. So we have a couple drinks. I already went there buzzed my fault.

I need to get into my house. Yeah. I got a gift. I'm like, he's a nice guy. I want to have a sex with a strange man. But I bring him back to my house and we immediately go to the bed. I'm disgusting, Peg. I'm not waiting around. Start making it all the bed. He's a little aggressive. He's doing a little, kind of like, bitey, kind of like, little, not too much, not like a full, nothing nuts yet.

But I can tell he keeps going. So I have this giant wall on this one side of my neck. It looks like a junior meant very large. Kind of for years. My parents wouldn't let me get it removed because they said it was cancerous. They said that their, my doubt always for you, he's a great ant had the same mole in the middle of a forehead.

And she got it removed and she can'ts her and died. So my whole life I had to keep his fucking mole is so stuff conscious as mole. So every time a guy would kiss me, they'd always go to the right side. I'm like, hello, the left side, a lot of real estate over there. And I think no fucking mole over there.

So me and this guy are fooling around my bed and he keeps going to kiss the one side of this mole. Like for fuck's sake, so I keep trying to like angle his head away from the mole, but I guess he thought that angling away was him thinking I was getting kind of like aggressive. So he goes in, bites down. Now he bites, I don't know if he was trying to bite the mole or just trying to bite my neck. But he bit down and I believe the teeth went directly through the mole. I just heard like a little squish down, I'm like, oh my fucking God.

Immediately. It was a crunchy squish. It's like if the junior men have been left in the sun for a long time, so the outer chocolate layer had a bit of a crunch to it. So I was like, oh my god, immediately, are feeling blood trickling down my neck. Like, and a lot of it. And I was like, oh my fucking god. I run to the bathroom. The gag is what I was doing. So I'm not good with blood. So I'm literally in my own bathroom going, oh my god, oh my god.

And it's like, it's not on all the way now. The mole isn't completely removed, but it is hanging on for too long. Oh, I'm like, the final opening scene of Cliffhanger is what I'm imagining. Yes, yes. Just so it's just literally dangling on from fucking dear life here. Fuck me.

So I'm wiping the blood as I'm gagging, as I'm like, what do I do with the mole? I've never had a mole dangling. Like, is it do I pressure on it? I don't know what's going on. I come back in the room, he's now fully nude. He thinks it's time to go. I'm like, time to go. Time to go.

I ripped my blanket out, I just bought a new white comfort for my kid. I was like, I'm not getting this soiled. I just fucking bought this insane. So I take it, so now I'm scrubbing my fucking thing. He's still hard in the bed. I don't know how to. Yeah, this is getting off. I'm blood at the old thing. He's still hard in the bed. I don't know how to do that. Yeah, he's, this is getting off. A blood, old egg, look at him getting him off.

So I'm like, I come back here, I'm finally like, the sheet is now soaking in my fucking laundry job. I'm still bleeding. I'm like, you have to go. It's time for you to go. What? I'm like, what the fuck, so we,

this is the worst part, look at the worst part. So he's finally, I'll show him to my front door. I'm like, okay, bye. He goes he's finally, I'll stream to my front door. I'm like, okay, bye. He goes and takes my hands and puts them around his neck. I'm like, a goodbye choke. I'm like, what the hell is going on here? I'm like, you're digesting half my fucking mold. Get the hell out of my house.

Doesn't get it. Here's the thing, I will say. I'm sorry, no, stop. Stop. There's more, there's more. He tried to make you choke him. Make me choke him. A good bye choke, which I've never seen before in my life.

Like that was, I guess he was like, he's all riled up now. This clearly is something he'd like to do. He had no, nothing was bothering him about the blood, the more chunks that might have been inside his teeth. I don't really know what's going on at this point. God, that is a garlic and onion situation, isn't it? Where you need to cross. You need to really know what's going on at this point. God, that is a garlic and onion situation, isn't it, where you need to like cross. Oh, yeah.

Yeah. You need to like get the fuck out of my house now. He's a demon. So he, yeah, oh, he's, he's some drunk again, glass blower. So he leaves. I go to bed and I'm freaking the fuck out. I end up like, so my parents live in Canada. So there are three hours ahead.

So I call my, he lives like four in the morning. I call my parents like seven. And I'm like, there's something wrong. So I face them and they're like, what the fuck? I didn't tell them how I got them. I'm like, I'm like, mom and dad. I'm man, he lives in like four in the morning. I call my parents like seven, I'm like, there's something wrong. So I face time and they're like, what the fuck? I didn't tell them how I got them. I'm like, my mom and dad, I'm man, bit my neck more off. I have to know, fucking go to studio city, pay $400 to get my more fully removed, more money, more problems, my right?

I had to get fully removed. I had to send the more, I was also being hilarious. The more doctor, which I wish I knew his name was I wanted to shut him out, I was being so funny with him, I ended up giving him a copy of my album because he was dying laughing because I was like, I have a minute alone with a mole and he's like, Oh, okay, I'm like, I don't actually want to say goodbye to my mole. You fucking weirdo. Well, they had to test the mole for cancer. Thank God, it came back no cancer. But the funny thing is the thing that guy blew the little glass thing he blew me was conveniently very close

to the same size as my mole. So I mean, if I really missed my mole, I can just maybe have him, maybe I'm surgically the glass blowing thing back to my neck. Um, never got the stain out of my sheets. I had to throw those out. So, all in all, it was a date that cost me roughly $500. And I didn't come, he didn't come,

and I didn't even get a fully choke him. He's... Mo Mo Mo Problem. No more. It's gone out. No more more problems. It's one of the best funnier things I've ever had. Wow.

You know what, so actually kind of free, like a kind of, technically free molectimate. The mole was like a burden. It was. And it's like, sometimes you know, the Lord works in mysterious ways because you probably would have never taken it off yourself

because your dad made you think you were gonna be cursed. So it was like, this guy had to bite it off for you to make the move to free yourself. So much happened. So much, what an exhausting, disgusting date. Yes, it was. It was like, oh, let me grow back or are you now, Mo?

No, no, but the worst part is the weirdest part. I don't know if you, you just seem like you don't have any moles. You seem molest. I am currently molest. Yeah, yeah, yeah, you had no skin. I don't know. I'm my 40s, we'll see. Go on.

They pop up. But this one, we said hair growing out of it. So I thought when the mole, this is so gross. I thought when the mole was removed, there's no, there are long-be hairs. Now I still get the hair. I still get the one hair. How did that hair?

This ghost had that, that's good. Yeah, and so I can't, right now, I'm feeling it right now. I'm like, oh, it's there. She's back. She's back and she's angry. She's angry, she's every little mole to get through. Disgusting. It's like a little cemetery, isn't it?

It is, and every day, I just remember. It's a grave, a phantom, yeah, it's my little Phantom. Oh God, he bit off your hairy mole. Bit it off. The fact he didn't notice, and the fact like, he was, I mean, he didn't, he pulled the sand. He stayed hard the whole time. Like, he was still sitting,

fucking waiting for it to come, like I was like, this is, Oh my God, thank God you didn't let him near your clitoris. I do want to do it. We say pull a sand. I like that we're calling it pulling a Sam. I do think we want to point out that he was the aggressor and I was the victim of the story.

I stayed hard as a victim, which I think is kind of heroic. It's different. And this guy stayed hard as the aggressor. Let's just differentiate it a little. I can't believe he sexually bitch you so hard. It took your mole off as well. He didn't just go in for like light nibbles. He like Why do you write anything hard enough for it to come off on the human body?

The fuck is wrong with him? Like also so if he was going for my nap he would have fucking That's a fucking vampire shit. Yeah, that's actually good for your health Literally, I mean well, thank God, but thank God Christ him being rock hard When the whole running back and forth screaming to the toilet covered in blood is one of the more upsetting things I've ever heard. I'm so glad that you never saw that run again. Yeah, he's dated a fucking fan-pire. Let's not say date.

Let's not say date. Let's say awkwardly fooled around with and hit my neck more removed. We're not putting the word date in front of us. This is with a big mistake. Oh, Steph, I'm so sorry. No, it's, you know, it's fine. We're fine now. We're living life. I'm not fine. I'm not fine. I'll never recover from this story. Look, I can, I can find a photo of them. I do have a photo somewhere of the mole like right after the dangling. I'm good. It was flapping in the wind the next morning when I had to go get it. Okay.

I was really just making a wish. I was just trying to kill me now. I am. I am. I'm sorry. My God. You are some real survivors. Like, I feel like I've like on a like body level, I feel like I've just been through so

much in the last hour just hearing these stories. You're veterans. You're true. I'm honored to meet you all. The biting is so unacceptable too. I hate a bite. I had a girl once bite me so hard on the lip that I was like, geez, don't do that again, please. And then she did it again.

I was like, that really fucking hurts. And she just said, that's my move. And I was like, you're fucking move. I don't give a shit about your market research. I don't like it. What's wrong with you? That's so horrible. Yeah.

I hate it by the way. Just fart in her face and be like, what? That's my move. You don't get to do that. That's my move. It was such an ear to show you a thing. Oh my god. OK, so I think we've learned about locking the door.

Any other lessons, anyone feels that they've learned about locking the door. Any other lessons, anyone feels that they've come away from this with any moments of inspiration? Don't let your parents fear of the past dictate your present. Okay, that's slightly more than that field than I was expecting, but thank you, Gandhi. I appreciate that. I got one for you. I got one for you. Be the difference you want to see in the world. Oh, wow. Yeah.

Yeah. Sure. Deep. Do you have one, Steph, any? If you need any skin tags or malls removed, I got a guy. Mine is always anything for Dildo if you're brave enough. And so on that note, both Sam's and Steph, thank you so much for coming. This has been quite a world ride. And goodbye. Bye.

Tickets for Sam morals 2023 class act tour can be found at SamMoral.com and he co-hosts the You Might Be Drunk podcast with Mark Norman. Sam J can be seen on Hors with Sam J and bust down and you can find out about Steph's upcoming standup shows by checking out at Steph Tollev on Instagram and listening to her podcast, Steph Infection, where she and a guest talk about any and all things related to the body, as we now know.

Bad dates is produced by Smartless Media and Wondery, created by Robert Cohen. Executive producers are Robert Cohen and Jermila Jamil. That's me, produced by Stuart Bailey, produced, engineered and edited by Devon Tori Bryant. Talent producer is Anne Harris. Associate producer is Maddie McCann. Music by Kushy and Evan Schletter. Executive producers are Will Arnett, Jason Vaatman and Sean Hayes

Executive producers for Smartless Media are Richard Coulson and Bernie Kaminsky If you've had a bad date and you'd like to tell us all about it Our number is 984-265-3283 and our email is baddatespod at gmail.com We can't wait to hear all about it That's all for this week, We will see you next time for more Bad dates Thank you Smart

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