Bad Dates with Jameela Jamil - Namaste Away From Me (w/ Rob Cohen, Maria Bamford, and Paul Greenberg)

Episode Date: December 11, 2023

On this episode of Bad Dates, Jameela welcomes Maria Bamford, Paul Greenberg, and Bad Dates series creator Rob Cohen to discuss their most iconic dating fiascos. Rob goes on a blind date but leaves in a blind rage, Maria meets a dream guy who taps out when she needs a ride, and Paul swallows when he should have split. If you’ve had a bad date you’d like to tell us about, our number is 984-265-3283, and our email is [e-mail], we can’t wait to hear all about it.Maria Bamford: NYT Bestseller Sure, I’ll Join Your Cult, tour dates at mariabamford.comPaul Greenberg: Hangin’ With Doctor Z on YouTubeSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

I find especially when we're hot and entitled, Coke really does just help someone's soul shine. Yep. You know, we've all seen it, we've all been Hollywood a while. Yep, I gotta do some Coke. Does it give you a wobble walk? Coke? I've never even smoked pot or anything,

but she basically went from being a beautiful gazelle in Union Square to a sort of wobbly, drunk, and crosswalk. So I say, you know what, maybe we should just call it, and she grabs my arm really hard and screams, no, I'm having the best time with giant dinner plate eyes. Oh, God, no. Bad dates. I'm glad I'm at a night on a date. Oh, yeah. Oh, it's so kind of like... Poly set up.

This is an orgy. Welcome. Welcome. It's going to be interesting to do this just by a sound. If it's an orgy, am I just holding the person? I'm going to do this. I'm going to do this. I'm going to do this.

I'm going to do this. I'm going to do this. I'm going to do this. I'm going to do this. I'm going to do this. I'm going to do this. I'm going to do this. I'm going to do this. I'm going to do this. I'm going to do this. This is an orgy welcome. Welcome. It's going to be interesting to do this just via sound. If it's an orgy, am I just holding the purses?

Because that's how I assume I would be the guy at the orgy doing that. You know, it's funny. I'm normally the coat check in those sorts of little clothes. Oh, OK. Those are the situations. So I will talk. So we'll be able to get it. Before we get into your stories, I would love to know Maria first and foremost.

What's it like to date you? What would that experience be? Let's put the shoe on the other foot. Well, this is what I remember doing. So whatever this would appear like, but with, so I also be tremoring at the same time. I'm on a number of psychiatric meds and I remember not stating That would be comment on like oh, you're shaking a little are you cold and no No, I'm on I'm very open about that. I didn't have that problem with that, but there was sometimes shut down the date right there Really? Yeah, yeah, did you have to take it as flattering?

Because I, um, I dated a rugby player for a while. Um, but when, like, one of the things that indeed me to him, and I'm actually really mortified now to admit this, is that, like, he was, like, shaking when I, uh, first, uh, would hang out with him and engage with him. And I was like, oh, my god, he likes me so much. I, um, but I think it was like a more of a neurological issue from the impact of rugby. But I later learned, yeah.

It was CTE, I think it has. Yeah, I was so flattered. I wonder if if men have got the wrong idea. Paul, what about you? What was your experience dating? Well, I got all my dating in from about 16 to 24 and then I was done. And then I did a lot of dating and every time it would be like, well, that was fun. And they'd be like, are you gay? I get a lot of that. And I go, no, I'm just friendly. And that happened a lot with a lot of girls. What?

As Rob can attest, you know, being a Canadian, there's an aggressive gene that just really isn't there kind of with us, with the rating. It would be like, I'd get a lot like, so do you like me or what's going on? That's, I get a lot of that. Like, oh my God, what do you like me or what's going on? That's, I get a lot of that. Like, oh my God, what do you mean? I bought you a, I bought you that caramelic bar.

Of course I like you. It is definitely a kryptonite and, and I agree with Paul completely that, and the one sense version that I have to back that up is some male friends and I went to Cabo once years ago and I sat next to this woman on the plane who was the most prim and proper person. But then we bumped into her later at a bar and she was hammered and she saw me and she

yelled the plane, the plane, like tattoo in the fancy island and then ran at me and sat on my lap and started whispering the filthiest things into my ear. But being Canadian I wanted to be respectful. So I spent the whole night like this to sort of show her with my arms up that I was not going to invade her space, even though she was grinding my pelvis into powder. Hello listeners, this is Mike Corey of Against the Odds. You might know that I adventure around the world while recording this podcast. And over the years, I've learned that where I stay when I travel can make all the difference. Airbnb has been my go-to place for finding the perfect accommodations.

Because with hotels, you often don't have the luxury of extra space or privacy. Recently, I had a bunch of friends come down to visit in Mexico. We found this large house and the place had a pool, a barbecue, a kitchen, and a great big living room to play cards, watch movies, and just chill out. It honestly made all the difference in the trip. It felt like we were all roommates again. The next time you're planning a trip,

whether it's with friends, family, or yourself, check out Airbnb to find something you won't forget. the bursting bank account, the people trying to get the grubby mitts on it. What's he all about? I'm just saying, being really, really famous. It's not always easy. Whooo! I'm Emily Lloyd-Saini, and I'm Anna Leongrofi, and we're the hosts of Terribly Famous from Wondery, the podcast which tells the stories of our favourite celebrities from their perspective.

Each season we show you what it's really like being famous by taking you inside the life of a British icon. from their perspective. Each season we show you what it's really like being famous by taking you inside the life of a British icon. We walk you through their glittering highs and eyebrow raising lows and ask, is fame and fortune really worth it? Follow terribly famous now wherever you get your podcasts or listen early and ad free on Wondry Plus on Apple Podcasts or the Wondery app. MUSIC MUSIC APPLAUSE

MUSIC MUSIC MUSIC MUSIC MUSIC MUSIC MUSIC MUSIC

So now that I kind of have like a firmer understanding of the fact that this is basically just four cowards coming together to comfort one another. And so I'm just going to get straight in with coward number one. Nice. Rob Cohen. Rob Cohen one. Nice. Rob Cohen. Wow. Your story is called Call Me an ambulance turdface, which I think might be the best title of any dating story so far. Please explain. Well, we'll see about that.

So this all ties into what we were talking about. But the story is that I was recently single and I just ended a very crazy relationship. It was crazy for a bunch of reasons, but I was in New York for work for a few weeks and really enjoying my newfound free time and my freedom and just walking around. I'd love to walk around New York. And then a female friend of mine called me up on the phone and she asked what I was doing the next night and I said just walking around,

happy to be out of a relationship. And she said that I should meet her friend and we'll call her friend Janna. And she said I should meet Janna because Janna was a friend of hers Zalivne in New York. She was really attractive. She was a yoga instructor, super cool. Because my female friend knew who I just broken up with, she said, Janna is the opposite

of who you just were done with. So it'll just be a nice little palate cleanser. So I didn't feel comfortable doing that. It was like a weird blind date. She goes, just try it. Jan is really cool. So, let me check with Jan. So, she called me back in five minutes and said, Jan is totally into it.

And you guys should meet at Union Square in front of the specific statue tomorrow. And I'm like, okay, fine. I'm in New York, I'll try it. So, the next night, I meet in front of the statue at Union Square and I see this beautiful athletic tan, lovely woman approaching me. And I cannot believe she looks like she's a sports illustrated model and she's walking

towards me, which is, of course, terrifying for me. And she's got a casual flannel shirt and these really short blue jean cutoff shorts and Hops super hot and because she's a yoga instructor. She's in an amazing shape so we introduced each other and We're chatting and she stops and she goes look I have this rule when I meet strangers Which is we'll talk for five minutes and if we don't one of us doesn't want to hang out anymore, we'll just walk away, no harm, no foul. And I thought that was so cool. It took all the pressure off right away. And so we sat on this bench and we just started to chat. She's telling me about being a yoga instructor and how health was her main thing and being nice and sweet. And again,

everything, the opposite of what I just dealt with. So five minutes were up. And I thought you absolutely let me try this. So she said great, let's go to this Thai restaurant down the street. I wish she started walking away during her five. I thought you said I'm done. I'm out of here. That would be a better ending than the story. So I know this Thai restaurant across the way. It's really healthy. I go there all the time. And I thought that's great. So we're walking. And again,'m a guy, I'm checking her out. And I'm like, how am I ending up with this really cool, beautiful woman? So we get to the restaurant. And when you go in there instead of chairs, they had those huge burlap sacks of rice,

the way that they ship them around the world. They're gigantic. And they would use those as chairs. So they stacked a couple and that would be your chair. And so we're sitting there. we're showing to our table, and Janna just plunks down on her rice bag, pretty heavily, and kind of scoots his or butt in and gets cozy and she says,

I'm gonna order a couple of my favorite dishes. Then she looks up and she starts snapping her fingers, like really like loud, I won't snap in the mic, but it's like snap, snap, snap towards this waiter. Oh no. Uh oh. Uh oh. Uh oh.

And he's a little irritated that she's snapping at him and he comes over and very nicely asks what's going on and he has a mustache just like a sort of magnum PI kind of mustache on for all you young kids out there. And he says, what can I help you with? And she goes, well, you could start by shaving that turd off your lip. And so I didn't quite hear her correctly. So I did sort of a fake laugh just to cover myself.

Like, ha ha, that's either really great. It's always a fucking way, isn't it? It's always the namaste people who are the namaste away from me. You know what I mean? Like always the ones who fucking pretend to be the most zen who come out with this or shit. Not to be trusted.

Straight out the guy, yeah. Exactly, exactly. So she- When she at all trying to make a joke, but it was going- it was just falling flat, like us, sort of a just a terrible, awful joke. I couldn't tell because she was laughing it off and I thought she's a regular here, so maybe this is a thing that they do- It's like a roasting, okay. And she's not funny, which doesn't help. I thought it was like a bit. So I thought it was a bit. So anyways, she's snapping it. The guy he comes over. She tells him he's got a wipe that turned off his lip. He's not really that excited about it.

And she excuses herself. And I'm thinking that's a bit weird. And then she orders some starters and says, well, you excuse me. She goes off to the restroom. So the waiter gives me a look like, he almost feels sorry for me, but I felt sorry for him. So I'm waiting, I'm looking around, it's kind of a cool place. And I noticed that a couple minutes have gone by, and now five minutes have gone by, and then 10 minutes have gone by, and she hasn't come back.

And I don't know, did she ditch me? Or I didn't know what was happening. And then she comes off out of the bathroom and sits back down in our starters that she's ordered are there, but now they're cold. So, the other thing that I noticed is, when she was leaving, besides checking out her and her gene shorts,

she had like a tramp stamp above her tailbone which will come back in the story later. And all it says is the words is made. So above her tailbone which will come back in this story later and all it says is the words is made. So over her tailbone, her beautifully tan skin it says is made. It's like a game. Exactly. So she comes back but now she's walking a bit strangely and not in really a straight line. I can't figure what's happening and I say is everything okay. And she says everything's great And she gave me this beautiful smile that she gave me in Union Square.

And then she starts snapping at the waiter again, snapping her fingers, which I won't do right here, but she's snapping. And she goes, hey, get me some chopsticks, turd face. And everybody in the restaurant is sort of uncomfortable now because of what she's doing. I'm definitely uncomfortable. And-

Have you said anything? I haven't said anything yet. I'm about to say something, but the waiter comes over and he's clearly pissed off. So he's about to say something to her and I try to intervene just to kind of calm things down. And I say to him that I think she might be a little sick or a little under the weather because she's walking a bit weird and she's snapping and she's being a bit aggressive. And just as I'm saying this, she gets up and says, yes, go to the bathroom again. So she gets up, she stands up from her burlap sack. And I noticed two new things. I noticed is made. She's now off the rice

bag. And something has punctured her rice bag from when she sat down the last time. And now a little handful of rice has started to fill in her shorts over the rice bag. Yeah, that's another show. But now dry rice has started to fill in the back of her shorts over the, I guess the hem or the waistband of her shorts. And little bits of rice are dangling out of her pant leg as she's going to the bathroom. So just a little bit of rice. And now the waiter sort of rolling his eyes at me. So anyway, 15 minutes later, she comes out of the bathroom and she's even more unsteadied

than that she's come out. She plunks back down really hard on the rice bag and I go, is everything okay, you sure you're feeling right? And she's got giant eyes and she's like, everything is great. I'm having the best time with you. And I notice that around her nostrils are little white powder. There it is. Bingo. There it is. Yep. So I realize I'm with a coke freak. And then she

starts snapping your fingers again. And she goes, Hey, get me a water turd face. And I'm like, Oh my God. And then time starts to speed up. And she's basically starting to snap and ask for all these things. Like, get me this turd face. get me this turd face, get me this, and she runs to the bathroom again. But this time... Is this because she thinks at this point she hasn't had enough coke. That's what the problem is. Hold that thought.

I need more coke. Exactly. I just want to get out of there. But now this time, there is a giant pile of rice that is poured into her pants because the rice bag hole has gotten bigger. So now she's like a kangaroo's pocket full of tons of rice, is poured into her pants because the rice bag hole has gotten bigger. So now she's like a kangaroo's pocket full of tons of rice, which she's now streaming out of her pant legs. She doesn't even know it to the bathroom.

And I again see is made on her back. Like this is a nightmare. So she's like snapping and crazed with cocaine and rice is pouring out of her pant leg. And she's screaming at me that I can't leave. And she's screaming at the waiter for like toilet paper and shop six and ordering food literally from the door of the bathroom. She's like screaming all this crazy crap.

Get me this turd face, get me this turd face. And then she goes, oh yeah, and one more thing. Get yourself through the unemployment office tomorrow because you suck at your job turd face and then starts clapping for herself and for her joke. And goes back into the bathroom and I just stand up and I go fuck this. I'm out of here and I reach into my pocket for all the cash that I have and I'm just say to the waiter, I'm so sorry. And then she comes

out of the bathroom again and sees what's going on. It was like a crazy video game because she starts to run at me full bore with these insane eyes and And she's like, got coke and her hair is crazy and whatever. And she's running towards me. And as she's running towards me, I see the following sequence happens in slow motion. But basically, she is running to try to stop me. And all of the rice that she has dangled,

it's tripped on the floor out of her pants, is now this path, her foot hits it. And she goes up into the air, slipping on the floor out of her pants. Oh, yeah. Is now this path, her foot hits it and she goes up into the air, slipping on the rice that has been pouring out of her own pants. And she flies through the air with this beautiful, arcing thing slow motion, like in the natural when Robert Redford hit a homerun, is everybody's looking at this glorious, glorious, and the scoreboard, and the spark, yeah. Music swelling. I'm a mad thing, this sort and the sparks, yeah. Music swelling. I'm imagining this sort of chariot survive. Like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no then she comes down and lands face first,

like 30 miles an hour face first, into her rice bag and just completely falls flat and does not move. And so I noticed two final things, one of which her shirt has now flipped up, the flannel shirt that she was wearing, and her tramp stamp, now it says, fudge is made, and I realized she got a tattoo that was milk, milk,

lemonade around the corner. Fudge is made because under the word made is an arrow pointing to her butthole. Where? Wow. Where Fudge is apparently made. I think I like her now. It's a real story around.

She's the one you over. She's the one you over. She's the one you over. Yeah, she's the third face. And it's almost done. So now she's there, but she's not moving. So everybody's wondering if she's dead and then like a horror movie. Her hand starts to sort of shakeily rise up like a zombie and she makes the weakest snapping finger that she ever could do.

And then there's this muffled thing that you hear, which is, I won't muffle my end, but she basically muffles, get me an ambulance turd face. And just is lying there, but she's saying it through the rice. So it's like, be a turbulent part of this. And the waiter looks at me like, what should I do? And I just shrug back and I'm like, this is your call.

I'm so done with her. So the waiter basically says to like, what should I do? And I just shrug back and I'm like, this is your call. I'm so done with her. So the waiter basically says to her, fuck you, I'm going in my break, and he walks past her and he gives her this little shove and everybody in the restaurant stands up and gives him a standing ovation and starts throwing money at him. Like it's a crazy bar mitzvah.

Where as this guy sort of walks out with the Jefferson's theme going on in his head. We've ran up. Exactly. And then the tag to the story is the next day, as I'm walking around, my female friend that had called in the first place called, and basically said she had some bad news, which is that it wasn't going to work out between Jan and I because I didn't offer her ride to the hospital, and she didn't think that I had her needs in the forefront. So that was the end of my day with a lot of these.

I'm glad to be here. Yeah. Exactly. Oh my God. That's a good one, man. Yeah. That is a epic. Yeah, that is epic.

It feels like a movie. Every year, it's like a movie. I can't believe you haven't put that in something. Write it up. I'm your director. I can, believe you haven't put that in something. Write it up. I'm your director. I can, oh my God, it feels like, but it feels like only Nicholas Cage could play her, doesn't it? Exactly.

Yeah. Nicholas Cage and some hot tight gene shorts with rice coming out of this. Love it. Fuckin' love it. I think he could deliver a strong turd face. What a fucking asshole. Oh my God.

We'll be right back. Bad deeds. Fucking asshole, oh my God, we'll be right back. Bad deeds! Hi, it's me, the Grand Poova of Bahambad, the OG Green Grump, the Grinch. From Wandery! Tis the Grinch Holiday talk show is a pathetic attempt by the people of O'Vill to use my situation as a teachable moment. So, join me, the Grinch, along with Cindy Luhu, and of course my dog Max every week for this complete waste of time.

Listen as I launch a campaign against Christmas cheer, grilling celebrity guests, like chestnuts on an open fire. Now try to get my heart to grow a few sizes, but it's not gonna work, honey. Your family will love the show. As you know, I'm famously great with kids. Follow Tiz the Grinch Holiday Talk Show on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. You can listen to Tiz the Grinch Holiday Talk Show early and add free right now by joining Wondery Plus.

Today, hip-hop dominates pop culture, but it wasn't always like that. And to tell the story of how that changed, I want to take you back to a very special year in rap. 88, it was too much good music. The world was on fire. I'm Will Smith. This is Class of 88, my new podcast about the moments, albums, and artists that inspired a sonic revolution.

And Secured 1988 is one of hip-hop's most important years. We'll talk to the people who were there. And most of all, we'll bring you some amazing stories. You know what my biggest memory from that tour is? It was your birthday. Yes, and you brought me to shot a life size hard work. Now, this is class of 88, the story of a year that changed hip hop. Listen to class of 88 wherever you get your

podcasts. You can binge the entire series right now on the Amazon Music app or audible. on the Amazon Music app or audible. And we're back. Okay, so Maria, you have your own story and it is called Curiously, the Canadian. Interesting. We all know that people from Canada are perfect. Yeah.

They're so close to us, but so it seems like we're just like them but we're so much less. Like they just have everything figured out in a wonderful way and they seem calm. So I met this guy, I met the okay cubes and the thing is he seemed perfect. You know, you know perfect person who, you know your mother's going to love. Well, anyways, he was very handsome. Everything. Charming. He was a writer, a comedy writer.

But what? Very hot. A comedy writer. Hot comedy writer. Hot comedy writer. Yes. Yes. As if the one.

Sorry. Yes. Yes. No. the one, sorry. Yeah, it's odd. No, and I'm going to say this, he was also Jewish, which is a very positive thing. I grew up with Jewish nursery school with a few Jewish friends and I love Judaism. So these are all positives.

So he had just gotten divorced. He had fully grown kids and all. Fully grown kids. I heard kids are kids. Kids. Okay, okay. Just checking. Just checking.

So both. Wonderful. Okay. And accepted. I'm frightened by children. No, yeah. This is the perfect. Also the perfect situation for me.

Because you don't want to have children, so he's got his own, so he's got to have the system. He doesn't have children. He does make his own grandchildren on his own. And so that's all going smoothly. He thinks I'm the greatest. He says, within a month, I love you. I love you. Mm-hmm. Okay. I love you. And well, like emails to me while he's supposed to be working on some TV show. My God.

Huckley and Sinker totally interested. There's only one downside. Occasionally talks about his ex-wife. Let's say almost every time we talk. wife. Let's say almost every time we talk. And what how she's so sensitive and she's so into spirituality and she's kind of depressive and you know, God, he just can't stand anything about her anymore. And I think to myself, I think I might like her, but let's get back to talking how beautiful and great I am. And then what happens after this whirlwind, he meets all my friends because he asks to. Have you met the kids? Yes, I meet the kids before a month. That is fucking wild. It's pretty serious man Yeah, I think over after a month. I meet the kids. They're somehow

They're going to college and both are available during break and it extremely awkward, but I meet those kids Also, he has two homes meet those kids. Also, he has two homes, one in Canada, one here. I mean, he's financially, he does complain a lot about money, but he seems financially stable. He starts talking about his mom, his mom, I guess, later in life when in her 60s, started feeling suicidal and was hospitalized and he and I waited for it for him to say you know and then she went for help and I've just been so proud of her. That is not where I went with it. Oh he said. Wow. He said I am so ashamed of what she did. She really was too dramatic about the whole thing and she shouldn't have been in the hospital and she abandoned all of us.

Despite the fact that she's in her 60s, she, it's her time to abandon you. And so that happened and we had not had sex yet. I was waiting to have sex per my 12 step cult program. Step nine, huh? Step. No. No, I don't know. I don't know.

I think I have the stuff. No, I don't know. No, I think that's the 13th step. That's the thing you said you said you said you said you said you said you said you said you said you said you said you said you said you said you said you said you said you said you said you said you said you said you said you said you said you said you said you said you said you said you said you said you said you said you said you said you said you said you said you said you said you said you said you said you said you said you said you said you

you said you said you said you said you said you said you said you said you said you said you said you said you said you said you said you said you said you said you said you said you said you said you said you said you said you said you said you said you said you said you said you said you said you said you said you said you said you said you said you said you said you said you said you said you said you said said you said you said you said you said you said you said you said you said you said you said you said you said said you said you said you said you said you said you said you said you said you said you said you said you said you said you said you said you said you said you said you said you said you said you said you said you said you said you said you said you said you said you said you said you said you said you said you said you said you said you said you said you said you said you said you said you said you said you said you said you said you said you said you said you said you said you said you said you said you That's supposed to be a no-one-o-o, but it happens a lot. So we go, we finally do the deed. Mm-hmm. What a lovely way to put it. And because I'm anxious, I told them from the beginning that I've got mentors. I told them, but I think I feel so. And by the way, what was his reaction to finding out that you have mental health stuff, considering he

was so unsympathetic about it? Was he more sympathetic towards you? He seemed, I think, because I was so high functioning at that moment. I also had long blonde hair. I think the penis shrug is coming back in here. Oh, yeah. Oh, blonde hair, I think the penis shrug is coming back in here. Oh yeah. Oh, blonde hair. Oh yeah. I, you know, I've, um, was had some rising buzz of fame alongside myself.

So I think those things were kind of confusing him. Then we had sex. And it was not good. Now I knew it wasn't gonna be good because I have something called vaginismus for my whole body, shuts down and clamps. It's like a penis flytrap. A penis flytrap with a penis, it can't get in.

It can't get in. It can't get in. It can't get in. Yeah, yeah, it's very common. And no antrata. Yeah, no antrata. Yeah, 100%. It's like a panic, no, in Trata. Yeah, 100%. It's like a panic, it's like a panic room.

The border is closed. It's created in your bulba. And it just like shuts down and Jodie Foster's inside. Yeah. But she was busy TV. Go on. But it's Jodie Foster from Nell. That's the weird part.

Sorry Maria, go on. But it's Jody Foster from Nell. That's the weird part. Yeah. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha So this might not be what I think it is. And then I tell him, about a week after we're still dating, still talking, still saying I love you, I tell him, hey man, I think I just got to go into the side court for a weekend to change my meds, because I got recommended to change to a certain kind of mood stabilizer. And he said, say what? To me it wasn't that dramatic, but to him, I think, combined with the terrible sex. And then after I got to the hospital, he said, hey, how you doing? Can I take you to dinner? And I will have a surprising, which is very, very nice.

I mean, the vitals were pretty good in the hospital, whose gal, but he, then this is a really genuinely way to, he did break up with me in the most adult way I've ever been broken up with. With, he picked me up, we walked all the way to this local restaurant, my neighborhood. We had dinner, he broke up with me face to face there. Said I wasn't good.

I'm going out what point in the dinner? At the end. Desert. I think that's a slight son of a bitch move. Like, I think it's good to do it at someone's face, but I string them along. Like, I wouldn't even be able to get through the walk without telling someone I wanted to end it with them.

Don't you feel like that's a quick coffee? Very close to your house. Oh, but here's the ending tag. I googled him recently as he do. Uh-huh. He's married to a therapist. Oh, that's good. No.

To a married family therapist. I thought it was hilarious. Perfect. New kids, new family. Exactly. Fresh kids. No, his kids, he was older, so I don't think any more kids are on the way. Well, your mouth will say his name.

Yes, say it. No. No. Just say it. Okay, so I mean, it just feels like there's a lot of shrugging that went on here. There's a lot of red flags on both sides that feel like they were missed. I think it's amazing that you got past some of his early, early red flags of being a bit of a sociopath. And he was trying to kind of see it through with with his his ex-wife was that she wasn't physically.

I think he didn't use the word loose, but easygoing like sex wasn't just an easy thing with his wife. Like he's like, I just like sex to be an easy thing. I just wanted to be so familiar with vaginismus. Wow. Can I can ask a couple of questions? Okay, so first of all, vaginismus, real thing. Real thing. Yeah, very real. Listen, all I can say is like from my personal experience, is that things like vaginismus can be gotten around, I think, especially when you feel very like safe and comfortable in a scenario.

And I think your body is very, very clever and recognized. I think this man might be a bit of a prick. Yep. Good for you. You're body knew before you did. But yeah, just one more dumb question. Unlike Rob's. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. Just maybe, maybe your date had some Thai cocaine. Maybe that would loosen things up. Oh yeah. But in a rice bag, but if you forgot that part, if you had not gone to the hospital to take care of yourself, how do you think things would have gone? Oh my God, I would have felt terrible in mentals.

And then I would have fully become the nightmare that he thought people with mentals are, which is that sort of like in denying that there's someone going on, you become a mess, like the selfish mess that nobody, everyone's bored by. Right. So I thought I was so glad that I ended up doing that instead.

And do we feel like he drove you to the hospital? Oh God, no. Oh boy, no. No, no. God no. No, no. Oh boy. No, they don't. No, no. To an arrow. OK, so any lessons learned, Maria? What have we learned here?

The lesson is, well, my husband, now, we've been together. It'll be 10 years in about seven days. What's amazing. Thank you. One of the first things he said was said, if you had to go into a psych facility, I'd come in and shave your beard.

They don't let you have a... That's true love. That's technically true love. I told them, I told them, I told them, I told them, I told them,

I told them, I told them, I told them, I told them, I told them, I told them, I told them, I told them, I told you. Hooray, fucking hooray, a win is a win. All right, we'll be right back. It's me, the Grand Poova of Bahambud, the OG Green Grump, the Grinch.

From Wandery! Tis the Grinch Holiday Talk Show is a pathetic attempt by the people of O'Vill to use my situation as a teachable moment. So join me, the Grinch, along with Cindy Luhu, and of course my dog Max every week for this complete waste of time. Listen as I launch a campaign against Christmas cheer, grilling celebrity guests, like chestnuts on an open fire. They'll try to get my heart to grow a few sizes,

but it's not gonna work, honey. Your family will love the show. As you know, I'm famously great with kids. Follow Tiz the Grinch Holiday Talk Show on the Wondery app, or wherever you get your podcasts. You can listen to Tiz the Grinch Holiday talk show early and add free right now by joining Wundery Plus. And we're back.

So Paul, last but certainly not least, I'm extremely excited to find out what the organ grinder is about. You're saying that now. Okay. All right. I mean, it sounds like a scary movie starring Angelina Lolli. So I'm dying to find out. That's not that far off, in some ways. My dating story is a very young dating story.

I'm unlike Rob. I didn't wait until I was 45 to date. I started. You correct? Let's trick. I was 16 and this was one of my first dates. And it was my friend Steve Moyer, who I'll name Czech, because he doesn't appear on Facebook

or anywhere I don't know what happened to him. It was my best friend and he said, I've got these two girls, they're really pretty. But they're gonna expect a date. You know, and we should go in a date and I'm like, all right, let's do a double date, man. This is gonna be awesome. When he says, I've got two girls, but they're going to expect it. It sounds like they've been kidnapped. So what does he mean? Well, they were in the basement. They were tied to a post.

They were, I believe they were both Catholic school girls from an all-girl school. So, which was really the goal in our age. Yeah, that's good. To date the girls from there. Because they're all super pretty. That's good, I too. They're all really, you know, yeah. You're you you hedge your bets.

Let's just say by doing that. So, I was like, all in. I'm like, this is going to be great. I'm going to go on pretty much my first technical date. So, Steve said, you know, you got to look good. We're going to take him to a restaurant. And I'm like, where are we taking him? And he was like, we're going to take him to the Oregon Grindr. Okay. So the Oregon Grindr is a action theme. The Oregon Grindr is a a restaurant where a guy sat, it's a pizza parlor, but it was kind of high

end, where a guy sat at a giant, a Whirlitzer kind of church organ and took requests and played the organ really. That kind of organ. Right. Okay. So he would play the organ and he would take requests and you'd eat pizza. So it was a perfor for us. Sixteen year olds. So it's in February or March, I believe this was. And it was in Toronto, Canadians.

We're all Canadian in this story. And I put on my bar mitzvah suit because it's still fit, because it was the fanciest thing I owned. And it was a little tight but it still looked pretty good. And I had the tie and everything and Steve put on his confirmation suit. And we looked pretty pretty sharp. We met the girls at the subway because that's how it works in Toronto. And she was, you know, about four inches, five inches taller than me, I guess. And it was cool. She seemed to be kind of like me. She was talking to me and it was all great. And I'm like, I'm gonna make this the best day ever.

I'm gonna be like, I'm gonna be like awesome. Go, Paul. So we're walking to the place. We get out of the subway and this is kind of the end of winter where everything is just slush into a... there's nothing but muddy, disgusting, black snow everywhere you look. That's all Toronto's made up of filth. Filth. It's literal filth and the Organgranger is in a part of town that has, you know, kind of a larger homeless population It's a little rougher, but you know, it's Canada. So nothing happens to kids when they walk around in Canada Is this the gas lamp or no, that's a fake Hoover, sorry. Yeah, yes, that's Vancouver. This is this is, you know

It was called I forget the district anyway, so we're walking and I'm trying to impress this girl. And I say, so, you know, I'm a bit of a track star, which I kind of was two years ago. And I tell her, yeah, long jump was my thing. You know, I used to do a lot of long jump. And she's like, uh-huh. And I'm like, yeah, I won the city for my age, which was, you know, true, but I was 13. So this is three years ago.

And so everything about you that night is from three years ago, right? You're in a suit from three years ago. It's only a stunt from three years ago. Exactly. My hair is the same as three years ago. So we get to a corner and there's this massive puddle, like a slush puddle, and Steve and the two girls walk around the puddle and I'm like,

I'm like, nah, I can make it over it. I'm a long jump guy, right? So I also worry my permits for shoes that have no tread on them, they're kind of dress shoes. And so I take a kind of dress shoes. And so I take a kind of a knot. It's cold weather, right? Cold weather on you haven't stretched.

It's, I have not stretched in about three years. In three years. And it is freezing, but it's warm enough for there to be slush, not ice. So, and I take a run at the, run at the puddle. I make it over the puddle. It's like, because I'm really good. And then my feet hit the end of the puddle

and my legs come up and my body goes flat like in the air horizontal and I land in the puddle. All the water comes out of the puddle into the air and lands on me on my face. I don't have a single dry part on my body. Not only that, all the homeless hobo filth goes into my mouth. And so what are you cooling this much? So it's the Hobo Filth.

Yeah. And then, so I just kind of... It's Bum Juice. Bum Juice, exactly. Exactly. Oh, Bum Juice is the worst thing I've ever heard. Especially because Bum means arse in England, so it's really like...

Yeah, it is Bum Juice. It's literally... It's literally Bum Juice. And has it gone in your mouth? A lot of it went in my mouth. I don't know if who's part of my face or anything is dry anymore, because I put under water.

And they're like, oh my God, are you okay? And I'm like, hey, I'm fine, I'm fine. And I kind of weighed out of the puddle, you know? Like it's literally almost to my knees. You have to act like it was planned. Yeah, you're like, ha ha. That was crazy, huh? I'm sure, yeah. So the girl's like, oh man, oh, let's, let's just go home.

You're gonna, you're gonna, you know, you're, you're disgusting. Let's go home. And I'm like, no, we are doing this date. Oh, bless you, Paul. So I said, I'm taking you on the date. We're going to go on a date. So we kept going to the organ grinder. We sit down at the table, I start shivering because I'm covered in cold ice and hobo filth. And we have our pizza, Steve and the other, her friend are trying to end the date for the entire night. I just keep putting stink.

It's disgusting. And I'm like, I'm like, I excuse myself halfway through the meal. And I say, just, I'll be back in a second. And I go into the bathroom. And now, apparently, I have some sort of bacterial bowel problem because I've eaten too much hobo fill. So I'm actually ill in the bathroom. Oh, it's disgusting. It's immediate. It waso fill so I'm actually ill Oh my god, it's disgusting. Oh, so I'm just and you're freezing cold and wet on the toilet

I'm shivering. I'm I'm completely shivering on the toilet and I you know kind of Exploed a little bit and then I come back out and I'm like hey, I'm okay. Everything's good Oh and we sit down again and Okay, everything's good. And we sit down again. And she's like, maybe we should go. And I'm like, no, we are not going. I just gave the organ grinder three songs to play. For at a dollar each, we are staying for all of these songs.

Oh my God. We heard Muscrat love. And then we heard, I think, a family opera was the big number that they always played. Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, heard, you know, I think family opera was the big number that they always played, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, you know, in the organ. Paul, can you sing a little bit of Muscrat love? Paul, go ahead. Do you remember that?

Oh, I can't think of it right now, but it was just happening. Muscrat, easy, Muscrat, Sam, do the jitterbug in Muscrat, this is a fast for this Poggy. Oh, really good. And then it's like, and they're hugging, or it's something like that, must get less. This is a fast for this bug. Oh, really good. And then it's like, and they're hugging, or it's something like that, right?

Yeah. Yeah. That was my big move. By the way, it was playing must-grat love. I thought that would get her in the mood, you know. That's Captain Teal. Yeah. Well, if the sight and smell of you

hadn't already aroused her heavily. Yeah, and I'm in complete denial. I'm like, I look fine. I feel great. They keep saying, are you OK? And I'm like, great. I'm like, I look fine. I feel great. They keep saying they're you okay? And I'm like, great. You still seen yourself in the mirror when you went to the doctor. I did want to come to the bathroom. I ran it. And I tried to fix my hair a little bit. Oh, I tried to wipe something. You know what? I've heard that actually Hobbages can actually be very good for keeping hair in place. And my hair was super, super shiny.

And it's cool. Cool. Cool. Cool., which was really nice. Are you trying to like, act casual and eat your pizza as you're shaking with bacteria and? Yeah, yeah. I'm shivering. I'm shivering because it was ice water covered and filled every part of my body. And I'm ill.

I'm ill, the whole time. And finally, we decide, okay, they've had enough and we're like, okay, let's go home. And we decide, Steve goes, you should just go home. And I'm like, no, I'm walking her to her door because that's what guys do. So we took her on the subway, took her all the way back to her house. And she's the awkward moment where you don't know what you're, you know, to hug or whatever and we're 16. How is that awkward at this point?

How is that even up for the debate? How, A, what's left, but also like, what part do you think someone wants to touch your slushy, like filthy, cold, bloody? Yeah, all this last, even three dinner. Let me clarify, suddenly it was really awkward. We had to take a good tour. Okay.

So I decide we do this kind of weird thing, and then I hug her, and I hug her maybe a little, you know, and she's trying to stay away, and I hug her a little tight, and I immediately crap my pants with the things. Okay. Do you ultimately say okay? There was a slight audio, there was a slight audio to it,

but I immediately brought my hands back. Like I walked backwards away from her. I walked backwards away and I went, that was really fun. Let's do it again. What did she say? She walked in her house. She didn't say anything. I can't believe you tried to even talk to her. Like honestly, was there an audio version

of your crapping your pants? Was there some sort of... Well, there was some, yeah, there was some at the end and I pretended to call for her. How would that go? Yeah. Huh. It's like, I had a wonderful time.

Yeah. Yeah. Well, that was great. You know, I didn't kind of like that. No. And then walk backwards. And I am worried. And yeah, that was my kind of intro,

intodating. That was like one of the, one of the, you know, it set me up. Well, yeah, well, the only way is that, like, honestly, literally, and that's so fucking foul, that is so foul that what you slipped in that went in your mouth was so rancid that it made you instantly violently ill. That makes it literally giving me nauseate, like,

and we've heard a lot of really fucking gross stories on this podcast, but that has really, like, it's emotionally like moved me, like a feel. Yeah, I ate downtown Hobo Phil. Did you eat at dinner? Did you manage to eat pizza? Oh, yeah, I ate pizza. I ate four of them. I'm only got dinner.

I just, 16-year-old boys are unbreakable. I can't believe you did that. I'm in here muskrat love. I'm going to hear some cheap trick on that organ and then I'm going to hear the fucking fan of the opera. And you're a date. And you genuinely believe you might get a kiss. You're like, oh, I wonder what's going to happen at the end. Your immune system must be fucking amazing. Did you make that COVID? Did you catch COVID? Nope. Exactly. Fucking exactly, Paul. We all need to go to that puddle. Amazing, did you even get COVID? Did you catch COVID? Nope exactly fucking exactly pulled We all need to go to that puddle country hobo film. Yeah, yeah, you like some

Canadian super soldier. Yeah, that's right. I am I am I'm captain Canada. Yeah captain Oh my god, Paul's never gonna die. No, it's gonna. it's, I'm immune. Oh my goodness, guys. It was bad. It was a bad scene. What a fucking time. Well look, I'm incredibly proud of all of you for surviving these events. And I think that you're all great people.

And I'm sorry that you had to go through these things, but I'm absolutely fucking thrilled that I got to hear about them. Hobo juice will live with me forever more. And the next time I see some, I will not only think of you, I will drink it, Paul. You drink it, man. Guys, it's been such a pleasure and a joy.

And an honor to meet you all. Please, this was fun. Thank you so much. Thank you so much, this was fun. I was finding it. Thank you, Paul. You're going to be amazing, Awa. Thank you all for sticking to me.

Goodbye. Bye. Maria Banford's new book is Sure. I'll join your cult and you can find her upcoming tour dates on MariaBanford.com. Paul Greenberg is a writer of a former on the YouTube comedy series, Hangin With Doctor Z. Bad dates is produced by smartness media and Wandery, created by Robert Cohen. Executive producers are Robert Cohen and Jameela Jramil. That's me.

Produced by Stuart Bailey. Produced, engineered and edited by Devon Tori Bryant. Also engineered and edited by Karl McGraw. Talent producer is Anne Harris. Associate producer is Maddie McCann. Music by Kushy and Evan Schletter. Executive producers are Will Arnett, Jason Bateman and Sean Hayes. Executive producers for Smartness Media are Richard Coursen and Bernie Kaminsky.

If you've had a bad date and you'd like to tell us all about it, our number is 984-265-3283 and our email is baddatespod at gmail.com. We can't wait to hear all about it. That's all for this week. We will see you next time for more. Bad dates. Smart, blessed,

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