Bad Dates with Jameela Jamil - Opening Night (w/ Sean Hayes and Conan O'Brien)

Episode Date: March 27, 2023

On the premiere episode of Bad Dates, Jameela welcomes Sean Hayes (SmartLess, Will & Grace) & Conan O’Brien (Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend) to discuss their most iconic dating fiascos. Sean tells us tales of Chicago, bears, and glue traps, Conan talks about an opening night that never was, plus Jameela tells her own story of an attempted hookup that ended in a 911 call before it even began. If you’ve had a bad date you’d like to tell us about, our number is 984-265-3283, and our email is [e-mail], we can’t wait to hear all about it.Conan O’Brien hosts the podcast Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend, available wherever you get your podcasts. Sean Hayes stars in the new play “Good Night, Oscar” on Broadway now, and he’s one of the hosts of SmartLess, the number one comedy podcast in the world.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Hello, Prime Members. You can listen to bad dates early and add free on Amazon music. Download the app today. Oh my God. I hear Sean Hayes. Yeah, you're in your dreams. There it goes. Boy, you have a high penis. You have a very tall penis. It grunts goes all the way by your heart. It runs up through the right and left ventical. It impedes blood flow. Wow. Oh, it's like the opposite of mine. Fuck me sideways like a chicken. It's Conan O'Brien and Sean Hayes. Welcome to Bad Dates! Welcome to Having Us. This is beautiful. This is exciting.

I really do. As Sean says, welcome to Having Us, which is my favorite saying that I've never heard before. Welcome to Having Us. You should try it. Welcome to Having Us. Welcome us. We're thrilled to be with here, Jamila, we really are. Guys, I'm so happy to have you here. This is a new podcast for me. It's a subject that I feel very passionately about because I have not had a lot of experience out there in the dating world. You have it. Because of my, no, no, it's a personality issue. I think is what we pulled it down to.

What do you mean, Brian? Poor, eating signals, terrible. Now, Conan, you were surprised when you first learned that about me, but I feel like we're several years into friendship now. I think we are. I think you get it now. No, I don't.

I still don't get it. You are. You are stunningly beautiful. Yeah. And very funny. And I always have a that time with you. And British, oh my God, that accent is so sexy. So I don't understand. I would think that you'd be approached all the time.

Yeah. Oh, I get approached all the time. It's what happens after I open my mouth. The approach just doesn't last very long. It's just a, yeah, bad. Why do you think that is? Bad at giving signals, bad at reading signals, extremely shy, didn't kiss anyone,

what no one kissed me until I was 21. So I feel like I have poor confidence in that area now. I mean, on my 21st birthday, I was given. You should, Jemilla, I had my first kiss late in Obama's second term. And I just want you to know that these things happen and both me and Conan were drunk. We were both drunk. Yeah, we were drunk.

We were drunk, it was. Sean was there and he just smelled lovely and we went for it and it was fantastic. Well, that makes me feel better. But I love this subject. I love hearing about other people's dates and I also think it's just such a bonding subject. Runny, any given dinner party,

I feel like this is the one that opens everyone up the fastest. And so it's a great way to know people. And also a great way to warn people about what's out there. At the echo, what Conan said, like look at you. Like I don't understand. I want to go deep into like, now I've bathed, I've put myself together. I like Saddam at the end, at the very end in the game.

Oh, and you're pulling him out of the hole. Yeah, with the little Coca-Cola and the fun-size Mars bar. Yes, when the Marines find him in the spider hole. That's what you look like when you first wake up in the morning. 100 to the point where? I thought he looked hot when they pulled him out, by the way. I don't know, that's still missing. No!

And by the way, Conan, it's nice to see you again. I haven't seen you since your Christmas party, which feels very toharny of me to like name drop though I went to your Christmas party. No, but you came by and you brought your forever. You brought your incredible boyfriend with you. Who is? I'm quite tall and he's taller than me, which I think is too tall. I'd lose him if I were you. Can you brought your dog? Remember you brought your dog? I'm co-parenting a dog with a friend. I brought it with me and

it escaped from my arms towards the end of the night and got the zoomies and went straight into your pool. Yes, the dog didn't. Yeah, and this dog is eight weeks old, has definitely no idea how to swim. And so I had to jump into Conan's pool. It was December, it was fucking freezing. I'm in a tuxedo and I went straight into your pool. And the dog was in a tuxedo as well, which I found out. And which weighed it down.

It sank immediately. But I, I know, all I know is that I was inside the house and my son, who's 17, came rushing in and grabbed a whole bunch of towels and then went rushing out. And I didn't know what all the commotion was. No, he rushed out of the house. He just grabbed towels for a different party. He went going to, right. He went to go sell them at the boardwalk in Santa Monica.

Yeah. So when English people see movies about Hollywood parties, you know, when you jump in the pool, everyone jumps into the pool and it becomes a pool party. Instead, everyone just stared at me and horror as I rescued this tiny one now and looks like a rat. I'm just going back in, by the way, I don't know if we can say these kinds of things on this podcast, but. I'm just going back and by the way, I don't know if we can say these kinds of things

on this podcast, but like I'm just going back to how tall your boyfriend, if it's tall and then cone in, then you don't go down on the guy, you just go to the left of the guy. Yeah. Right. Like you don't have to do, you don't have to do right or the right.

You don't have to do any of the work. No, I still have to go up on him. I would say. Oh, okay. Yeah. a little tiny step ladder. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just one or two steps. The yellow pages, I stand on the yellow pages. But don't we all?

Guys, there haven't been yellow pages in 30 years. Get the yellow pages. Pronto, right. I said first thing I thought of yellow pages. And so I remember just like crawling, like, mortified, crawling out of Conan's pool on my own, holding this now little kind of wet rat dog, and I'm dripping wet in this tuxedo. And a tuxedo really just holds on to like every ounce of water and I arrived at the party with Larry David, who is a good friend of ours, and we all know him, but as soon as he saw that I was talking wet with the dog, probably didn't want me to get in his Tesla and was just like, okay then, bye-bye!

And he just immediately abandoned me, didn't check on me, didn't check on the dog, he just basically told me to go fuck myself and... What's great about Larry is that he is exactly the same person that you see on curb with this. Absolutely. Absolutely. Absolutely. He takes care of number one. He takes care of Larry David. And if he sees that the person he drove to the party is wet, he's out.

He's out. And no apologies and you love him for it. I still picture the dog in the tux working the party. Like if it'll tray, or the tray of our derbs. Hey, he got paid. We got paid money. We got paid for the long cigarettes from breakfast to Tiffany's.

Yeah, yeah. Bad dates. Bad dates. Sean, will you please now tell me your story? I know it's called Hookups from Chicago and I'm intrigued. Growing up gay, I was super skinny and I was into the opposite. Because in the gay world, you know, it's a lot of the times, you know, similarities, you know, you're attracted to the same thing.

I wasn't, I was more attracted to like, sicker, bigger guys. I mean, look at my husband, Scotty. He literally looks like an Amazon box. Like he's just a shaker of a... He does not. He's just a square box. And I was like, yeah.

I was like, yeah. He's a good looking man. Thanks, buddy. He, that's kind of like my type. Like what the gay community calls bears or cubs or whatever that is. So, but my thing is like, you know, and I grew up gay in Chicago in the 90s,

it was like super fun, it was the best people I'd go out every night and just get hammered on my mind with a bunch of friends. And usually you know you hook up that night. That's like, we would start out by having sex first. Then if the sex was good, then you'd be like, hey, what's your name do you wanna date? You know, I mean, it's kind of like,

it's kind of like, you know, Jersey Shorten with the original Jersey Shore. I was like, oh, that's the gay life, but it's straight people, right? Because they would just hook up, they would hook up with girls every single night. It was like, I used to watch the show all the time. Anyway, so, there are a couple gay bars in Chicago

that I would frequent. One was called Cairo, and the other one, which is still open, by the way, it's called Berlin. And whenever I'd leave to go out, my mom would, my mom, you know, she was the self proclaimed life of the party and the funniest person in the world, she thought.

She just asked me where I'm going, I'm going to Cairo, she'd be like, any Egypt, and she thought it was the most clever joke. Anyone had ever thought of, nobody ever thought of that joke. And then of course, when I said, mom, I'm going to Berlin tonight, she'd say, where are you going to catch a flight to Germany at this hour? And she would laugh so hard at around, and I'd leave the house, and I could still hear her laughing.

But so one night I went out to Cairo, Conan. Egypt. Okay, sir. And I met this guy. He was this huge bodybuilding guy, and he had plugs for hair. But he was really good looking, just gigantic, massive body.

And I think his name was Lars or something. Really nice guy. But when I met him, he had on those 90s workout pants, you know, in a bar. So I knew he wasn't a husband material, but that's not what the night was about. So I'm there, and I'm chomping, I'm bubblegum, and we did the eyeing across the room thing,

and then we flirted, and we got along enough to hook up, and I loved his body, and I guess he loved my dracar noir, I don't know. And we both been drinking pretty heavily, and we went back to his place, and he was like, he's sort of got, he said, hey, before we go out, it might have a microwave of burrito really fast, and he was like, it's sort of got, he said, hey, before we go out at it, might as well make a microwave a burrito really fast.

And I was like, I was like, I was like, which could have been a euphemism. Yeah, right, exactly. And I was, I knew you don't want a microwave, my burrito. And then I said,

what do I care, right? So I'm sitting there, like shit face from the long island I see, and I'm watching him scarf down a burrito. And I'm 22 years old with no money, and I was like, in my hat, I was like, boy, this guy's class act, meaning I was like nothing. But I didn't care because all I wanted to do was,

you know, get inside Mr. Universe. So I'm sitting there chewing my gum, waiting for his burrito to ding, so we get down to business. So we're going at it. I'm still chewing my gum and blowing them at the same time. And the gum falls out of my mouth into his hair. And before he notices, I try pulling it out.

And it's like, it's getting every... Wait, it's a pubic cap. Yeah, of course. And I'm like, trying to pull it out, it was like a glue trap. And I was like, he was like, how, what the fuck are you chewing gum? And I go, not anymore.

And he said, and so he stopped and he got up and pain. And he's like, he went to go cut it out in the bathroom. And I thought, you know what? No, I sat through a burrito. I'm not sitting through this. And so I stole a necktie and I left. That's a, that's a, that's my true. I have no story that's anything like that story.

Yeah, nothing. I hope not. I hope not. You're anything like that story. Yeah, nothing like, I hope not. I hope not. You're like, I'm the exact, I'm the exact stuff in college. Yeah, we all experimented. You're like, my story, I have no story that's anything like that except for the burrito.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Everything, all the other stuff is the same. Oh, it was Mike Repop, Tony and Conan. Come out of your mouth. I went over stuff is the same. It was Michael Poppoy and Conan. I went over. I didn't. That's a choking hazard.

I was in my mouth. I wanted it. It's responsible. I wanted good breath. And then like who goes down on anybody? Straighter gay. We've done your mouth. Yeah, I'm penis doesn't inhale. You know, what do you mean? You want a good breath. The penis isn't going to go. No, wait a minute.

I want you to smell like peppermint. I've definitely been hungry during sex. Like one time, early days of dating James, he's not going to be thrilled to know what I'm saying, but I reached into my pocket to grab a condom. But in my pocket, it was also, at all times, loose chocolate almonds. OK, sure, sure. I wouldn't have been here. Melted and then re-fro loose chocolate almonds. Okay sure sure I wouldn't there be a

melted and then re frozen chocolate almonds in my and so I was surprised to find this chocolate almond and immediately forgot about the condom or the naked man lying on top of me and just put it in my mouth and started eating it. Yeah. And just like I had to realize how awkward this he's in silence like one inch from my face just watching me now, happily chewing my little arm. And when he saw my hand go back for another, he was like, are you fucking serious?

At which point I realized I'd taken it too far. Yeah, well, first of all, it's always good to have a snack. I can't get you. You know, so I think that was responsible. Aren't you always conscious of your breath? Don't you always have like a mint or gum ready to go? I do it now just like in public, think like, if I go to Conan's Christmas party, wherever,

you always have like a breath thing because you're very close to people. Right? No? I haven't thought about that, but maybe I will now. Maybe I will. I think since I've been married, I don't think about my breath. Well, yeah, well, I'm talking to Liza, and she's, she really wishes you a wish.

I know, but it's why Liza weeps usually when I'm in the room. She's like, she has an old wooden clothes pin on her nose, like from the cartoon in 1920. I'm being long, suffering Liza. Yeah, I did have another one. It's very short. Go on.

Well, one person I dated a long, long, long, long time ago, for a while, like a year. Is this actor Harvey Kytel? This is. Do you know the story? Did I tell the story? The shoot. I already told him. Oh, I love random names. It's so much fun. It's the best thing to do.

No, this is between when I was dating Tyne Daily. We, no. No, it was gay pride. I was on Santa Monica Boulevard. There was tens of thousands and probably a million people out on the Boulevard. And you know, there's a restaurant thing called the bungalows. I don't know if you like the San Vicente bungalows.

And before it was that, it was, it was a, it was like a hotel, but they used it to shoot porn. I mean, it was the sedious place in the world's disgusting. And so I'm on the corner of San Vicente and San Monica. And there's this guy standing next to me, ready to cross the street and I was alone too. At the time, I left my friends

or whatever just wandering around. And he looked at me and he's really, really, really, really good looking guy. And he was looking at me and I did that old looking people around me. Like, are you looking at me? And he's like, yeah, so we just talked for like 10 seconds. He goes, I'm saying that the bungalows, you know?

And he goes, do you want to, and I go, sure. So we go back and we just go into his room. We do it. We're done. I get up to go in the bathroom. I come back out and it was two of those beds with the nightstand in the middle kind of hotel. Yeah, and this like man in his 60s or 70s was sitting on the bed. I was like what what? What? What? So freaky. So yeah, this is my friend, you know, I thought you were going to say you were in the bathroom for 50 years. No. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.

You went. Both, that's what you're breaking up. This is like, yeah. Yeah, I came out, it was 2021. It was crazy. No. No. No. No. The whole time.

The whole time he was hiding behind the bed. So this is really good looking. No. No. No. No. No. The whole time he was hiding behind the bed. So this really good looking thing. Wait, he was hiding behind the wall? Behind the other bed. Oh my. Right. And was there a thing that he wanted to watch?

Yes. So this guy that I hooked up with, this must be like an old like sugar daddy or some kind of arrangement that they had where this really good looking, you know, body builder guy and other. It was like, I'll just go get these guys and you can watch it. And I, isn't that crazy and creepy and bizarre? That is fucking mad. Yeah. That's a fuck hold, isn't it?

If you haven't, like, if you haven't been informed, that's what I'd call that. That fuck hold. Yeah, I think this is what people did before streaming television. Now with streaming, there's always something to, you know, you know, this is what people did before we had all the options we had today. Right. Right. Is cable buttons in to get?

No. Then go out and find somebody and fuck them. And I'll hide behind the bed. All right. So I guess what they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they what they, they, they, so more often, you discovered this old layering. I was, it was like, I go, hi, how are you? I didn't know what to say. And I, and we were done and he's like, you know,

let's exchange numbers. I was like, this guy's crazy. But he's a very good looking. You know what I love about that? Is it, it sounds like they're a con couple, like a gripping couple, but I don't see, I don't see how they make any money on it. Like it's this grid where it sounds like they're a con couple, like a gripping couple, but I don't see, I don't see how they make any money off of it. Like, it's this grid where it's like,

we play, they're just traveling around America. He's going out and finding guys to have sex with and the other guy's like, time for me to hide behind the radiator. And then afterwards, they're like, we sure show that stuff. Yeah. And I feel like, I feel like we're missing something.

Yeah, we haven't made a dollar, man. Yeah, we're out of money. We'll be right back. Bad Dits Hello listeners, Jameela here. I wanted to let you know about a new show from Smartness Media and Wondery called Just Jack and Will. It is the ultimate Will and Grace rewatch podcast.

Sean Hayes and Eric McCormack, who starred as Will & Jack, will be watching the whole series from the beginning, and it turns out that while Eric has seen the show many, many times, Sean has somehow never watched his own sitcom. So they're going to be looking at it with fresh eyes, bringing on their fellow cast members and fabulous guest stars, the writers and the director of the show, and all the people behind the scenes, who helped Will & Grace win an astounding 18 Emmy Awards. Sean and Eric have hilarious chemistry and if you've listened to Smartless or Sean's appearance with Conan on our very first episode of Bad Dates, then you will know just how

silly and irreverent they can get and you will not want to miss it. Just Jack and Will is available anywhere you get your podcast. Episodes are available one week early and add free on Wondery Plus. Follow and subscribe to it now. And we're back. Conan, it's been a while you've been married to the love of my life for a while. I've been married to Liza since, well, we got married at the very beginning of 2002. So it's been 21 years that we've been married.

That's amazing. I love her. She's the greatest. She's everyone, as my assistant loves to say, the only part I like about you is Liza. Okay. Boy, it's time for you to be great to work for you. That's going to be great. Yeah, exactly.

But, yeah, it's, and it's funny. I just mentioned my assistant. I just want to quickly mention, I know we're talking about bad dates. She. She. No, no, no, she had more bad dates. You know, I hired her when she was in her early 20s and she worked for me. She's still working for me.

She's been working for me now for I think 13 years. And I've seen her have so many bad dates. She finally met the right guy and and and married him, tack, and they have these lovely kids and everything's fine now. But she went on so many awful dates. And I'm like her sort of her second father. She would come in to work and tell me about them the next day and she told me about one where she came, she came into the office and she said that she had had a bad date and I said, what happened? And she said, well, he said, meet me at my house.

So she went to his house. She rang the bell. He opened the door in his t-shirt and his underwear, not Boxer's briefs. And he said, hey, I'm in the middle of a really good video game. Do you mind chilling till I'm done? You're joking me. No, so she came in. He continued playing his game.

And she sat down in a bean bag chair and waited for like 45 minutes, then he finished his game, put on some jeans and sandals, took her to like a sizzler or something, some place where you get your food on a tray, and then split the bill with her. And I said, that, why did you, I said, why did you, and she's a very attractive, funny, great person. She'd had more dates like that. I said, why did you go in? She's like, I don't know. He just said it would be 45 minutes. So I just sat in the bean bag chair and waited. And he's in his underwear. So that's what of Chris Hansen came out from around the corner and was like, I remember to catch a predator. And he was like, it was all a setup. That's what it sounds like. There should be a Chris Hanson for bad dates.

A guy who just comes out and says, now hold on. All right. He's inviting you in. He should have picked you up. You know, there should have been a man. Exactly. What was it like to date you? When I came out to Los Angeles in 1985 to start my career in comedy and was looking to

date people and single guy, I was 64 and maybe 160 pounds. Wow. Now, do the math on that. It's not good. And 30 pounds of that was Pompadour, you know? So I was... The tall skinny thing just briefly reminds me of something that Steve Emertchent once said about how, at one time he was like standing there,

and he realized, this is like the moment he realized it was like really just like a hindrance to him. He was standing, it was New Year's Eve, he was standing by the River Thames where everyone gathers to watch fireworks go off, and he sees this beautiful woman start walking towards him and she's making eye contact directly with him and it's not something that Steve Emerchant always gets in his life because he was another

late bloomer like the rest of us. And he's really excited because he hasn't got a date there that night. She walks right up to him and then says to him, she's just just for him to come down to her height. He does excitedly. And she's like, do you mind staying here so that my friends and I can meet at you if we get lost?

Basically using him simply as like a light pole. Yeah, as a marker circle. Yeah Eventually I got into a little bit more of a rhythm and it took a while, but I would say it was my It took a while, but I would say it was my mid to later 20s when I started to have more success and have more confidence. It took me a long time to build up confidence. But how would you meet them? Because obviously there's all these apps now, but back then, what would you do? Was it just all going to bars and stuff like that? No, I never did the bar thing. I found one of the things that I would meet people at was if a friend invited me to a party,

parties were pretty good because what I found out, Lauren Michaels has a saying that if you have a sense of humor, your kryptonite is loud music. And I realized he was right, which is because there was so much I didn't have, it didn't recommend me, but I could make people laugh, I could make women laugh. But if we were in an environment, there was a lot of people laughing. Yeah, lost to go straight through all the gin is, it goes straight in via the process. Trust me, that's how I approach a vagina. That's science. Yeah, that's that's how I approach a vagina and yeah, but when there's loud music

They're just going off of what does this guy look like and what's he wearing? Oh, he's wearing the same jeans his mother bought him in high school still and his car is in 1977 Isuzu Opal that he bought it used car lot at the airport and Girls who likes who gets first tips and nobody raised. Yeah. I just want to stop you there for a second, because you are literally describing my current boyfriend.

So don't, don't, don't do down the tall and skinny too much, okay? Right. There's something to be said for a string bean. He's a very good looking accomplished gentleman. I was not at the time and it was it was rough sledding for a while, but I would say as I got into my later 20s, I got a little more confident. Yeah. It's fun to do at a party. If no one's talking to me, I I always bring a pen with me and I go to their library and I start signing, I open the book and I sign the inside with the fake

author's signature as if. So if it's like Ernest Hemingway for whom the bell tolls, I write, you know, I hope this finds you well. All best wishes off to drink now and then Ernest Hemingway. And I've done that countless times and I know that I'm completely, these people are taking these things to Antique's Road Show with being told it's worth six million dollars. That's brilliant. I love that.

Yeah. All right, Conan, I really want to hear your story. All I know about it, I haven't been told is it's called opening night. I don't think I can compete with, with, with, with Sean's. It's just, that's, that's got so much imagery, but this, that's just very powerful, very powerful imagery, like an e-comings poem. But I, as I said, I got more confident and I remember it as I got into my later 20s. I was in New York, I met somebody who was a tall, attractive. I think I had some game then, a better game.

I filled out a little bit. I had done well. I was up and coming in the comedy world. Things are starting to come together. But then I have to leave New York. I have to go back to Los Angeles. She tells me, well, you know, things haven't really heated up yet. We can tell there's a real attraction there.

And there's going to be this great date that's coming. So I hear from her when I'm back in LA and she says, I'm in Portland and I'm going to be in a play. And I don't know what happened, but I just said, Portland in a play, I'm in Portland and I'm gonna be in a play and I don't know what happened But I just said Portland in a play. I'll come up and see you. Oh, I thought you're gonna go the other way Yeah Now she said I'm in Portland and I'm in this plan. I said yeah, I'll come up and see you opening She said what's opening night would be great if you were there and I said be there. I'm there

You know reserve me a seat the, I'm there. You know, reserved me a seat, fuck row. I'm coming, baby. He tons of shit. He works, baby. He's a joey's agent, a stale. Yeah, exactly. I just suddenly I had a cigar where there wasn't a cigar before. And I said, by some lingerie, I'm coming your way. And now what's important to remember is that right at the same time, I was working in Los

Angeles, I think I was working on the Simpsons and I had just purchased a new car. Yes, that's right. I had purchased a 1992 Ford Taurus. Congratulations. Okay, big time. Yeah, and I had this idea and I told her, I'm driving up to see you, not flying, driving up to see you. And she said, and I said, yep, I'm coming up to see you, not flying, driving up to see you. And she said, and I said, yep, I'm coming because I really wanted to test out this new car.

I had a friend in town who said that he'd come with me because he just wanted to do a drive up the coast. And I started driving with my friend and we start driving and driving and driving. And along the way, I'm stopping at phone booths and saying, I'm coming. We did 40, we did 500 miles today, baby. You know, I just, and you're so, and your cigar is down to one inch.

Yeah, it's a one inch. A lot of things were down to one inch. And then I finally, everything is shrinking as I go. And then at some point, my friend and I were driving around, we like stop and ghost towns, we get distracted by goofy things. We're taking this security route. And then finally, this is back in the day before satellite. You didn't, you didn't just have, you know, a satellite map. We had one of those, I had one of those, uh, trip dick maps that unfolds and you want to fold it one part of it.

I like it. Thomas guide or something? Yeah, like a Thomas guide thing. At some point, you go to AAA and they give it to you. At some point, uh, I undid the map and saw for the first time. I hadn't looked how long it takes to fucking get to Portland in a car. And then you have to get your way back. And I started to look at it and I looked at it with my friend and I went, we have like,

we have like 1100 miles to go. We have like this week and a half left. And this and not even this play is coming, this opening night is soon. And I just decided I went from hang on, baby. So saying to my friend, I don't think we can do this. And he was like, what are you going to do? And I said, alcohol or it'll be fine. And we stopped. And he was, we were in it like a really cruddy motel. He was sitting across the bed for me. And he could only hear my side of the conversation. But I was like, Hey, baby. And she was like, Yeah, I'm so excited. I told people to cut two, four, three, please. And a cop two, four, three. And a cop two, four, three, please. Um, and I told her, uh,

it's, uh, yeah, it's me and she said, well, I can't wait. And I found this restaurant and did it and there's this place we can go. and I went, yeah, it's really far. I'm not going to come after all. My friend could only hear the other side of the conversation, which was, no, no, hold it. Wait, no, no, I'm sorry. I just suddenly, I was getting chewed out, never talked to her again. It was a, it just, it was, it was, did she live in Los

Angeles? You're just up there doing a play or did she live there? No, no, she lived in New York, but she was doing a play in Portland and I, I just, you're like, call me, call me when you do a play in New York. Yeah. Call me when you do a play. Yeah. Call me when you make it on Broadway. Yeah, exactly. And it was the most awkward, sad, deflating conversation. Oh my God. That I can remember. I just remembered feeling like you, you came on so strong, and then you ended up just saying, it's really far. It's just kind of a long way to drive.

Wait, so how far did you get? How far did you get? Like out of California, we're still in California. Give it to us in days. I don't think I got as far as San Francisco. I'll be honest with you. How far did you get? Like out of California, we're still in California. You've been to us in days. I don't think I got as far as San Francisco. I'll be honest with you. Oh, that's a good strong six or seven hours. I think we screwed around a lot.

And my friend and I, actually, that's the guy I probably should have dated is my friend because we had a blast. Hey, what are you doing? Are you in a play? Yeah. Yeah. I feel like there were red flags all over that. Like you were the first red flag, well, being willing to go all the way to Portland for someone's opening night and then for tourists. And then how high

maintenance years for being that mad at you that she never speaks to you again, because you didn't travel across the fucking country to come see her too much. I think it might have been partially my fault because I was filled with shame too. I just was so ashamed that I had come on strong. There had been a lot of I'm coming, baby. And to her credit, she had said, really, all the way up to Portland and I'm like, what do you mean all the way up to Portland? You know, it's the United States of America.

It's on the road. I'm a cool beat poet, you know. I'll call Conan now to have a bite to eat and he'll be like, he'll call me from Beverly Hills because he left the palisades like, I'm not coming to Hollywood. I can't make it too far. Yeah, too far. I have to change currency. He'll still use the pay phone to call me too. I'm sorry, I came on so strong, but I got to turn back, I can't make it. I think I've actually bailed on someone because of distance, but in like a much more pathetic way than you did. I went on a date briefly with this man in Los Angeles who was like truly just one of the handsome as people I've ever seen.

He looked like a fucking cowboy from a movie and he asked me out and I was so stunned that I said yes. And he asked me if I wanted to go on a hike. Now I am not an athletic person, you know, I have been compared by several lovers to a memory foam mattress. There are no muscles in this guy. And so I, the first time I ever walked up running slowly, I threw down myself, like a character in South Park, just like, you know, not a projector, just like that, because straight down your shirt. But this man was so hot that I was willing, this man was so hot that I was willing to try and hike for him. And halfway up the hike, he's now getting way ahead of me, which I think is also just

fucking rude. That's strange. That's strange, yeah. Exactly. But I think he just presumes that an adult woman would be able to keep up with him at his relatively normal pace, but I am fucking dying and I'm now halfway down. And I just stood there.

I caught my breath. And then I just shouted up to him. I was like, hello. I think he turned around. He was stunned to see how far down I was. And I was like, I'm so sorry. I was like, I think you're really good looking. But I just don't think you're good looking enough. For me to have to go up the rest of this hill. So I'm going home. You pulled what's now known as a Conan. Yeah, that's called the Conan Yeah, I had a Ford Taurus. Yeah, yeah

I'm not To the nearest McDonald's but also keep in mind that everything you said had an echo Hello I do like you like you like you like you like you like you like you. But not enough, enough, enough, enough, enough. To push myself physically, physically, physically. We'll be right back. Bad dates! Raising kids can be one of the greatest rewards of a parent's life. But come on, someday's parenting is unbearable.

I love my kid, but is a new parenting podcast from Wondry that shares a refreshingly honest and insightful take on parenting. Hosted by myself, Megan Galey, Chris Garcia, and Kurt Brown-Oller, we will be your resident not-so-expert experts. Each week we'll share a parenting story that'll have you laughing, nodding, and thinking, oh yeah, I have absolutely been there. We'll talk about what went right and wrong, what would we do differently? And the next time you step on yet another stray Lego in the middle of the night,

you'll feel less alone. So if you like to laugh with us as we talk about the hardest job in the world, listen to, I love my kid, but wherever you get your podcasts, you can listen ad-free on the Amazon Music or Wondery app. And we're back. Okay, so now that you have both shared your bad date stories, I'm going to tell you mine and it's a bit of a doozy. Okay, go, go. Okay, so eight years ago, I decided to move to America on my own and I wanted to be a sassy, slutty woman. You know, I'd had not a lot of luck in dating before that and I was like, I'm going to be

new, I'm going to be new. I'm going to be sexy in America. It's going to happen. And so I heard that, you know, you go out there and you snag someone and so I went out to Soho House. And I met this incredibly handsome and funny and cool man. He was an actor and he was immediately somehow responsive to me, which wasn't the way it had ever gone before.

And we were having, you know, like brilliant chemistry over chats So we met up for coffees and stuff and one night I get a text from him asking me if I would like for him to come over Now bear in mind I haven't even kissed him yet, and it's 11pm at night. So I'm like, holy fucking shit guys I don't have to have my first ever one night stand. I'm so excited. I was like, I have been waiting for this my whole life. How young of a gal were you? 30. 30, okay. So, you know, I, or 29, I think. And so I was so fucking excited and absolutely nervous. And you know, we haven't discussed any of this before until now. It's been light, kind of flirting, but we clearly like each other. And he rings the doorbell at 11 p.m. sharp,

and I'm run to open the door, and he takes three steps in, and before he even gets to kiss me on my cheek, he collapses face forward on the floor. Mm-hmm. And all of his teeth, all of his front teeth, blow out of his mouth, all of his front teeth. Oh, God. Blow out of his mouth. Oh, my God.

Across my entire living room floor, bear in mind I have lived in the United States for one week with a roommate who doesn't know me. Now this is making the worst possible fucking impression on her that I bring home basically a stranger who's now covered her perfect beige living room in blood and teeth. And he's totally unconscious and seizing at the same time.

So I was like, oh Jesus Christ, he's going to die. This man is actually going to die on me. So I call 911 for the first time, which I will admit was actually quite exciting because as a Brit. Because in England, it's not 911, is it? No, it's 999, but you see people in the film say 911. And so that felt actually just briefly amazing. They changed it.

While this man was dying, that was quite exciting. Be great if you spent 45 minutes dialing 999. And while he was dying, and it's Casey Kessum. He's a bit of a party. What's your request? So they send in the police, but in America, they also send the fucking fire brigade, right? It's very, very intense here. This is not the way it is in England.

In England, you get one man who's got a sandwich with him. This is a whole fucking palava. So they come pouring into my house. But at least 15 men, and they resuscitate him, and they kind of bring him around, and they're trying to see if he knows his name and where he is, and he does, but he's having to think, I don't know, he's got an antique thing.

I think I know. And his chin has split all the way open, so he's just like, there's fucking blood everywhere. It's wild. But the whole thing gashed open. So they're like, have you taken any drugs tonight? And he's like, yeah, I did some cocaine, but I always do cocaine.

And I was like, okay, that's, it was a bit of a red flag, actually, he's age. At his big age, he had, he had children. So I was like, that's, okay, it's a little bit worrying to always do cocaine. And they were like, okay, have you done anything else? You haven't taken anything else and you was like, no, no, no, no. So they start putting the blanket over him, you know,

to carry him off on the stretcher. And as the blanket goes past his cock, he starts to get an erection. What? At which point? It becomes quite clear that maybe cocaine isn't the only thing who's taken. And he has to look right at me. Oh, right. Looks me right in my eyes and says, in the saddest way I've ever seen, I might have taken some

Viagra. No, no. Poor guy. Oh my God. This poor, sweet man, because cocaine can kill an erection, so he was, you know, to be fair to him, he was being extremely presumptuous, but also highly organized, it chemically organized. He knew he had some of the cocaine. Yeah, he sounds like a chemistry major. Yeah, he's counter-balancing.

But this man, this man who was a very well-known actor was carried out of my house in the middle of West Hollywood. Oh, well, no, I'm trying to think of a well known actor with no front teeth and a permanent erection. It can't be, Kytel. You're right. So I have to have this man carried out of my apartment in West Hollywood, where we've had to cover his face for his identity,

although he's kind of unrecognizable at this point. And he's got this raging erection, sort of pitching a tent in his hospitalization. Can you tell us who it was and we kind of unrecognizable at this point. And he's got this raging erection, sort of pitching a tent in his hospital. Can you tell us who it was and we kind of had an honor? No, I can never, no, no, I'm never gonna tell. I've never told anyone who it is to preserve his, it's like mine and my roommates, like secret in blood forever, just because I believe in karma.

Secret in blood. You should have done, you should have kept one of the teeth. Yes, because they've worn a run. That has DNA and you will always have that on that person. Like a warrior. My guess is they have a lot of money and you could always have that in your back pocket. His blood is still on my couch. Some of his blood is still on that beige couch, but his blood is thicker than cotton.

He had to have 33 stitches. So while I will never say who it is, just investigate the underneath of the chins of all the men in Hollywood. It's all I do anyway. What do you do? It's my outfit. Some people knit, some people, you know. He'll have a beard for the rest of his career, but yeah, I looked after him that weekend in the hospital and I stayed with him, but I was like, at the end, I was like, I think,

perhaps you might need some help, rather than to date right now. And to the erection ever go away, or was it the whole time you were in hospital? Oh, yeah, sorry, that's the other tip. Look for a man with a bid and an erection. I was just going to say, you know, thank God all of us are off the market, to be honest. Yeah, I never said I was off the market, I said I had been married for 20 years. Yeah, don't confuse the two. Guys, you're the fucking best. I enjoyed this episode so much. It just was a swearing, okay? Yeah. If it weren't for that F-bomb, this whole thing would be suitable for children. We're gonna save the episode.

I thought this was on Nickelodeon until that F-bomb. Nice going, Jamilla. Jamilla, we love you. This is great. We love you, Jamilla. And Sean, I love you. I love you, Conan. I've always had.

I'm such big fans of you both. And I adore you as people, and Conan, sorry again, for ruining your past, you temporarily, and then having to carry around my dog wrapped in white towels as if it was baby Jesus that was not a great fasting impression, or behave myself next to you. Tows, you stole, by the way, you left with them and never sent them back. But I still have your towels, shit. Yes, you do, sir. And I took those, and I took those from a top shell for seasons.

So... You know what? I'm going to pay it forward and invite Sean Rand, because he likes to steal. Yes. I'll steal. Watch your back, yeah. Bye guys. Bye, honey.

Thank you. Bye later, bye. Bye, bye. Bye, bye. Conan O'Brien hosts the podcast. Conan O'Brien needs a friend available wherever you get your podcast. And Sean Hayes stars in the new play Good Night Oscar on Broadway now. And he's one of the hosts of Smartless, the number one comedy podcast in the world. Bad dates is produced by Smartless Media and Wondery. Created by Robert Cohen.

Executive producers are Robert Cohen and Jameela Jamil. That's me, produced by Stuart Bailey, produced, engineered and edited by Devon Torrey Bryant. Talent producer is Anne Harris, associate producer is Maddie McCann. Music by Kushy and Evan Schletter. Executive producers are Will Arnett, Jason Bateman, and Sean Hayes. Executive producers for Smartless Media are Richard Coulson and Bernie Kaminsky. If you've had a bad date and you'd

like to tell us all about it, our number is 984-265-3283. And our email is baddatespotatgmail.com. We can't wait to hear all about it. That's all for this week. We will see you next time for more bad dates. Hello, Prime Members! You can listen to bad dates early and add free on Amazon Music. Download the Amazon Music app today, or you can listen early and add free with Wondery Plus in Apple podcasts. Before you go, tell us about yourself by completing a short survey at Wondery.com slash survey. Apple podcasts. Before you go, tell us about yourself by completing a short survey at Wondery.com slash survey.