Bad Dates with Jameela Jamil - Other People Soup (w/ Sabrina Wu, Catherine Cohen, and Gavin Crawford)

Episode Date: October 23, 2023

On this special LIVE episode of Bad Dates from the Just For Laughs Festival in Toronto, Jameela welcomes comedians Sabrina Wu, Catherine Cohen, and Gavin Crawford to discuss their most iconic dating fiascos. Sabrina scratches and scratches but barely gets below the surface, Catherine serves up regretful sex three ways, and Gavin unexpectedly learns his worth. Plus, two audience members offer their stories live. If you’ve had a bad date you’d like to tell us about, our number is 984-265-3283, and our email is [e-mail], we can’t wait to hear all about it.Sabrina Wu: @asabrinawu on InstagramCatherine Cohen: Seek Treatment with Cat & PatGavin Crawford: Because News with Gavin Crawford, Let’s Not Be KiddingSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

You ready for the host? Yeah! I can't hear you, you ready for the host? You love her, you know her, so please go to the floor, Jamil Jamel! Thank you. Toronto, hello, are you well? I'm going to ship my pants. Oh my god, there's so many of you here. Anyone on a first date here? No, good. I'm glad. I'm relieved. It would have been a terrible decision.

Thank you so much for coming. Please give another round of applause to the amazing Dulsey Sloan. Jesus Christ, when they told me that this is the venue that we were going to do this podcast in, I was like, you're fucking crazy. There's no way that we're going to be able to sell this out. But then they told me that Canada is by far one of the biggest territories of listeners of this podcast in the world. Well, given how much this podcast is about jizzing and shitting, it means you're a right bunch of filthy bastards, aren't you? And it makes me love you all the more. This is my first time in Canada and so you are taking my Canadian virginity.

I've already had such a blast. I fucking love you guys so much. And it's also my first time ever at a comedy festival. And obviously I am not a comedian, but I'm joined by three very talented ones. And so will you please join me in welcoming on stage, the fabulous Sabrina Wu, Catherine Cohen, and Gavin Crawford. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Hello, all. How are you? Hi. I'm electric. I'm OK. LAUGHTER Now, anyone who's here, hopefully knows this is a podcast about the silliest and most degrading

things we've done or seen on the road to love to shagging or both. Before we get into everyone's stories, I want to know just a little bit about your dating histories. I'm going to start with you, Gavin. My dating history is just that. You don't have to take me through the whole thing. No, it's very history. Because I think the last time I went on a date,

no one on this panel was born. So it was a while ago. I've been with my husband for like 25 years or so. So I haven't gone on a date for romance in a while. Right. But did you enjoy dating when you did it? I was born in the middle of the year, and I was born in the middle of the year. I was born in the middle of the year, and I was born in the middle of the year, and I was born in the middle of the year, and I was born in the middle of the year, and I was born in the middle of the year,

and I was born in the middle of the year, and I was born in the middle of the year, and I was born in the middle of the year, and I was born in the middle of the year, and I was born in the middle of the year, and I was born in the middle of the year, and I was born in the middle of the year, I would often go out with someone, I have no idea if they're flirting with me. So often that I would just go on a very long date and have a great time with someone on the end, be like, okay, that was fun, bye.

Yeah, someone has to be inside me before I realize that they're interested, which, that's literally- Both me too is incredibly complicated. I've had things in my mouth and been like, I think I like it. That's when I know. Yeah, so I'm not really great with signals. I sort of become like, maybe I just am, but I get a little spectra me at the end of a date and I just, I'm like, is this going to be like a kissing

thing or just like a going home thing? Because I'm good with either, but I'd like to know. Yeah, I feel very much so the same way. And I've mentioned a few times on the podcast to the shock and horror of my guests that I've only ever kissed six people, not for lack of trying. I was fucking giving out all the vibes I thought, I'm sorry I did that.

I'm very sorry, but I... The lifeboat. It was to no avail. But thank you for sharing that with us. Catherine, this is not your first time on the podcast, but welcome back. Thank you for having me back. Wait, first, I'm like, what's the secret to 25 years?

Laziness. Laziness. Laziness. Mutual laziness. That's beautiful. I could have said rimming, but I went with laziness. That's gorgeous. I too.

So did you say rimming? No, I said I could have said. Sorry, could you say rimming? Nice that I could have said. Can you describe what lazy rimming is like? I mean, that won't play well on the podcast, but just you just lay back and think of England. He's being actively rimmed right now for those of you who are listening. It's great. OK. I'm just sorry.

So Catherine, how do you feel about dating? Well, I'm currently in a relationship, but for many years, I was one of the dumbest sluts in New York City. And so it's cool to be here and get to share that with you. Is it a bender or are you collecting stories? That's kind of something I had to ask myself for many years. Yeah.

And so do you feel like you are a fundite? I'm the most fundite. Too fun. Too fun. What does too fun mean? I guess I mean, just always drunk and needing to be fucked. Lovely. Is that more of that? Is that nice and romantic?

Yeah. I'm a romantic at heart, though. That's coming across, clearly. I was just actively searching for validation from men for years. Anyone else? Yeah. Yeah!

Let me hear you go. Yes! My therapist is backstage And Sabrina what about you do you enjoy the world of dating? I I seek out the world of dating. I enjoy his talk. I like like Genuinely like if someone has sex with me I'm literally like without fail sort of. And you can call me whenever.

Until the day that you die, to the point, I used to be in this relationship with someone who literally said to me, we had been casual for a year, and she was like, actually, I love you. And I want you to be my squirrel friend. And basically, she said squirrel friend, because girlfriend was too scary. And I, instead of being like, OK, you actually fuck up,

I was like, oh! You're like, oh! Like, oh! Like, oh! And it's OK that I'm going on and on. But you know what? It has paid off because I am in a bit of an unconventional, so I am now in a molecule.

Like, I am the hinge in a V, so I'm dating. What is the polycule? Just, I'm explaining. And. No. I'm sorry for doing my job. I'm in. OK, so I'm breaking it down for all of you.

So OK, so I'm like the hinge in a V, so I'm dating two people who are not dating each other. And if you have to put a label on it, I am technically kind of a baller. And... ...and... ...and... ...and... ...and...

...and... ...and... I'm Rob Briden, and welcome to my podcast, Briden and... ...and... ...and... ...and... ...and... ...and... ...and... ...and... to my podcast, Brydon and. We are now in our third series. Among those still to come is some Michael Pailin, the comedy duo Egg and Robbie Williams. The list goes on.

So do sit back and enjoy. Brydon and on Amazon Music, Wondery Plus or wherever you get your podcasts. However, you'll get your podcasts. Ghosts aren't real. At least as a journalist, that's what I've always believed. Sure, odd things happen in my childhood bedroom. But ultimately, I shrugged it all off. That is, until a couple of years ago, when I discovered that every subsequent argument

of that house is convinced they've experienced something inexplicable too. Including the most recent inhabitant who says she was visited at night by the ghost of a faceless woman. And it gets even stranger. It just so happens that the alleged ghost haunted my childhood room might just be my wife's great grandmother. Who was murdered in the house next door by two gunshots to the face. From Wondering and Pineapple Street Studios

comes Ghost Story, a podcast about family secrets, overwhelming coincidence, and the things that come back to haunt us. Follow Ghost Story on the Wondering app or wherever you get your podcast. You can binge all episodes ad-free right now by joining Wondering Plus. So, Sabrina, what is starting from scratch? Tell me your stories. Okay, so this great story, it doesn't start right at the date. In fact, I kind of have to justify that it was a date at all, but I was like very, I came out in high school as a lesbian, like 16. And I was one of the very few people in my school that were out. And I put a ton of sports. And I obviously

had crushes on some of the people that I was playing with. But I would never like, I was like so afraid. I was like, I'm gay, but I'm like, I'm not like creepy. I'm not like gay. And that, and there's this girl on the team that I had this crush on. And the thing about volleyball, like we played volleyball together, is like, after every point, the girls come together and like spank each other on the butt. It's just sort of like, go-grapants.

Like, and I was always always way too afraid to ever... Like, spank, because I was like... You know, everyone would be like, Go-Graphance, I'd be like... And I respect all of you so much, Thank you for being on my team. And then one day, someone was like,

Hey, like... Do you not like spank, Sabrina? And I was like, No, no, I spank. And... I do, I spank. And I do, I spank. I've literally never, and it was like the girl that I had a costume was like, I've literally never seen you spank. Spank, can we right now?

And so then I was like, well, now I'd be like, if I don't spank, it would be gayer. And you know what I mean? And also, there was just, I was like, right, so I'm spankier. It's a sports spank. I'm not feeling her up. So I wind back.

I like take steps back. Can I stand up? I literally was like, that's, um, and then, okay. so then she actually like wailed in pain. And everybody was like, oh my god. But then we, I'm taking away too long, but we then, and then we started this like, I'm loving this. Okay, as long as you're eating it up. So we're, so now we're closer to me in this girl and like, and we start like talking and texting and calling and and and she was straight, she was cognitively dissonant and like, because we would touch each other like all the time like the, you know, like high school girls like it was such a thing to be like, sit on my lap

Let's cuddle and we were like touch and and we were having actual dialogue We're like she would touch me and I would touch her and she'd be like this feels weird and I'm like, yeah, I feel so weird And like before games it got to the point that before games we were literally like Like over the pants rubbing each other's clits But just friends Just two athletes Get you know you can't play a game of basketball until your clit is the size of a ping pong ball, okay?

So we're rubbing each other's, and we're just literally going like, this feels so weird. You know, I can't even think right now. Like, I can't think, and then we would like, we would do like, we'd be like, let's try to do long division, and like, we would like, crazy, we would do like, we'd be like, let's try to do long division. And like, like, we would look through like, I'd be like, try to find this artist on your iPhone so we can list to a whole, we were, anyway, so. So, so one day at the courage,

you wanna come, like, you wanna have like a sleepover, like hang out. And that is what I'm considering a day at that point. Like, given that we had already, like, basically lost our virginities to each other, I was like, will you come over? And she was like, yeah, and so we had our first sleepover. And I honestly, like, my back just got really itchy.

And I was sort of like, oh, like, can you like scratch this part of my back? And she was scratching it and I was like, she feels amazing. It feels so weird. And she was like, oh, can you scratch my back? And I was like, yeah. And then I'm not even kidding.

We literally on and off scratched each other for like 10 hours straight. Like it was literally the morning, like, and, and basically in the morning I had one point was like, well we haven't kissed, like I should like say something so I was like, oh, like, you know, like my mouth is a little itchy. Yeah, fuck. Yeah, I have two girlfriends now.

Okay, my mouth is a little itchy, and she honestly took her hand and just put it in my mouth. And started scratching, LOL. I was like, this could mean anything, I get. But I like, yes, and did, and I put my hand in her mouth, and then, why are you my hand in her mouth. And then, why are you groaning?

This is a beautiful queer love story. This is the next love sign, man. And I'm so hurry. And then we're just like scratching and rubbing. And at one point, I'm like even on top of her, but we're not like kissing or doing, but there was like some grinding, is anybody painting a graphic picture for you?

So all of that is happening. And then I hear the words ball ball. And I turn to my right. And basically what I see is my like 80 year old, like immigrant Chinese grandfather watching us. Oh. Like he had some end to my room and I was so scared. Like I was not out to my family.

My parents were always told me if they ever found out your grandparents would die. Like they would literally physically have a heart attack. And so I freaked out, like jumped off this girl's back. I like jumped off her. You don't need, I, okay, we were like, okay, so I'm off of her. And I'm like, oh my god, I'm about to be kicked out of this family.

But I also was like, what does my grandpa think he just saw? And so I was just waiting for him to say something. And then he literally just goes, Sabrina, your grandmother has not pooped in three days. She is so constipated, we need you to go to the store because you drive and buy her some stool softener. He was like, sorry to interrupt. Grandma can't shit. And then he, and I was like, okay, I'll get it. And then he just leaves. And we've never talked about it to this day.

I literally think he was just like, yeah, no, Sabrina's not gay. Sabrina's like, eczema or whatever. And so then he leaves, and then it's just me and this girl, and she doesn't speak Chinese, so she was like, what just happened? And I was like, I, my grandma can't like poop and like,

and she was like, you know, I could like see the sexual energy leaving her eyes, so then I was like, no, no, no, no, no, and then we kept scratching backs. First soul, like, and you know what you're, I mean, I don't know, if you're straight, I don't know if you have this equipment.

Like, if you just like have like months of like pent up sexual energy and you've never kissed, you're just rubbing each other like, you're literally in this like time vortex. Like, you feel like you're on like Molly. Like, it's like insane. And I just, we were scratching and humping and then my grandma busts through the door. And I was like, harmically, I was like, actually I deserve to like be kicked out. Like that woman has not,

she busts through the door and I'm like, fuck, like what does she think? And then she literally goes, Sabrina, I have not pooped. I have not pooped in five days. And when, and honestly, like, because, because it was so weird to be scratched, like, you know, because I was in that weird, like, sex,

space, time, I literally was like, I had the thought, have we been scratching bags for two fucking days? Anyways, then I was like, I got you and then I told her, like, happened. And she was like, okay, you should go to the pharmacy. And I was like, and I'm gay. And if you ever want to talk to somebody about it, and she literally just goes, oh, I'm not gay. Um. And now she is really happy with her boyfriend

of like many years. And I can't calm unless the Reynolds can't shit. So that's great, um, and um, um, yeah, that's sort of, that's sort of my bad date, saga. Thanks for having me. That was fucking insane. Also, like, how are you not both red-raw? Thank you. Thank you.

That was fucking insane. Also, how are you not both red-raw within 20 minutes? What the fuck? I'm just imagining you both completely skinless. No, literally, that's what I'm saying. Do you know how hard it is to take someone seriously? When their skin is red-rawed because your hands have been all over and she's like, Yaaah, not gay. Like, look down!

Like, Uh, well, thank you for that. No problem, no problem. That's fucking incredible. I... Bad gates. Bosh Legacy returns, now streaming. Maddie's been taken.

Oh God. His daughter is in the hands of a madman. What are the police have been looking for me? But nothing can stop a father. We want to find her just as much as you do. I doubt that very much. From doing what the law can't. And we have to do this about way.

You have to. I can't. And we have to do this the very way. You have to. I don't. Bosch Legacy watched the new season now streaming exclusively on FreeV. Next story is from Catherine. Catherine, you actually have multiple stories that you have relatively titled. I think we can already relate to this. Regretful sex. Yeah. First of all, that was so beautiful and exquisite and so pure in some ways. Sweet. Yeah. It's really sweet. Hulsome story. Love Simon. Love Simon.

But it's also something we're going to do there. It's also what, like, I think a lot of boys, and maybe some men think that girls' soccer teams are doing, it's just rubbing each other's clits. Like, you have fully now cemented the idea that that's what's happening in a girls' locker room. Yeah, I'm so happy to be hurting my community. LAUGHTER Oh. No, it's wholesome. I wish that's what happened in the boys. But it was not the same. Yes, regretful sex of which I've had a lot, not to brag. Well, a story came to my mind when I was on my way here, which is the years ago, years ago.

I was in Barcelona. And my kind of vibe used to be that if I was in a club, club like space, which I haven't been for many years, if I was in a club like space, I would just look at who the tallest person was. And then I would just go and kind of stand near him and like see what happened. You know when you're younger and you're really fucked up and you just like start kissing someone, you're just like, there's no way to

know how this started, but we're absolutely kissing. So I was doing that with this guy. No, literally never. So sorry. I was doing that. And then he was like, come back to the VIP section. I'm like, oh my god, VIP. I'm in Barcelona. This is the sexiest thing that's ever happened to me. He's like, yeah, at the VIP section, we got vodka and red bull. I was like, best night of my life. So we're sitting there just destroying our bodies.

And all of a sudden, he's like, can I see your feet? Yeah, and I should have obviously been like, oh, bye. But I was like, well, I'm wearing sandals. So, like, there they are. I'm wearing sandals. And we ended up going into, this is now just like not even charming at all. Hooking up in like a bathroom stall and then someone who worked there came to be like, get out and then I went out.

We ran out and I went to find him and he disappeared. So if he's here tonight, I want to get down on one knee and fully propose. Yeah, that was like a very chaotic time. A few years later, I was like trying to get my act together. I was trying to be academic. So I was reading an article on my phone at the bar. And it was one of those, I really wanted something to happen to me, because I was in London.

And when you're traveling, you really, you owe it to yourself to have sex with someone you'll never see again. Also, we got fucking nuts for Americans in England. Oh, I do so well in America, everyone wants me dead. If I go to London, they can't get enough. They lap, lap, lap it up. So I'm like reading an article, wanting something to happen to me,

but it's like a Monday night, there's like no one in this bar, and then I swear to you, in walks like the most beautiful, man I've ever seen. And I'm not kidding, he comes up to me and he's like, can I get you a drink? And I'm like, so I'm in a movie right now. Fully in a movie right now. I find out he's a,

why don't you hear the hottest thing you can ever be? Bisexual model. He's a bisexual model. You imagine? Can you imagine? So we go back to his place I can't hear the hottest thing you can ever be. Bisexual model. He's a bisexual model. Can you imagine? Can you imagine? So we go back to his place and he becomes the first person to ever, I can't believe I'm saying this.

I'm going to say it to you. I'm going to say it to you. The first person to ever make me squirt. Can I get a yeah? Woo! Woo! Now, this is a real question. OK. Is squirt. Can I get a yeah? Woo! Now this is a real question. Okay, is squirt pee?

Yes. Okay, cool. A bit. A bit. So I'd never done it. And by the way, I am sorry. And by the way, I am a high-brow artist. So if this goes over your head, don't worry about it. But he makes me squirt. And I'm like, I'm shocked, I'm shocked.

He goes to the bathroom, I'm like smelling the bed. What is this? What is this? It's no more like beer than anything else, which sort of is a whole other issue. But do we have any gynecologists in the building? I'm like, okay, a bisexual model made me squirt. Has anything better ever happened to anyone? Like, I'm the luckiestologist in the building. I'm like, okay, a bisexual model made me squirt. Is anything better ever happened to anyone? Like, I'm the luckiest girl in the world.

But then he comes back and he's like, I wanna take you to a museum. I'm like a museum. The Holy Trinity, bisexual model, squirting a museum. So, the next morning wake up and I'm like, ready for, he's like like I'll meet you there I'm like yeah, I'm gonna go home get my stuff whatever Obviously never heard from again never saw him again never spoke to me again

And it's just crazy that you know for years. I was like will I ever scored again? And did you yeah Right! In a museum. In a museum, as performance art. Good luck. He didn't give you some sort of weird squirt shame. Good for you. There was also a story about...

Stairs. Yes, we discussed. You know, don't you romanticize like, hooking up like in a stairwell? Like, oh my god, no one can see us. Like, we're in this sexy stairwell. I once tried to have sex in a stairwell. Like oh my god no one can see us like we're in this sexy stairwell. I once tried to have sex in a stairwell but I couldn't come standing up because that's not how my body works. So cut to me fully like draped over six stairs. Like just my back is like absolutely

bruised. I hurt so bad. I'm like I'm gonna go. It's like, at that point is it worth it. The answer is no way, no way. But to be young and in love with the world. The fucking movies, the fucking movies, sex and a shower. So dangerous. Never worth the payoff. Never what, never what. Never what, never what.

Never what, never what, never what, never what. Yeah, because it's wet on the outside. It's all the, but everything is the wrong wet. No. So we are all doctors up here, so we know that. Like, evidently. That makes me very happy to know that, like, other people don't like sex on the shower.

Right? People try it and I'm like, what are you doing? Yeah. This is not the time for this. But I'm also like, I'm almost 40. I'm not bouncing back from that. I'm not 20 anymore. You know what I mean?

This is serious. I have a career. But where else is this shit to have sex that they made it look great in the movie? A car is difficult. That's true. People, hot tubs make people horny and I don't get difficult. Yeah, that's true. That's a hard... People, hot tubs make people horny, and I don't get it.

Oh, no. Oh, the piece. Other people soup in places. I don't want to... Oh, my God, I'm never getting an hot tub ever again. Other people soup is horrible. Oh, my God. I guess, like, just for anyone who's on my side,

I've been scared to speak up. But I like sex in the shower, and frankly, I would love to have sex with being literally in other people's soup. Like, I would... That sounds actually really hot to me. And I just see if anyone else is with me, I see you. There was at least one other person, so you're not alone.

It's true, I did not mean to soup shame. Yeah, apologies. Bad bitch! Hello, I'm Hannah. And I'm Suryte. And we are the hosts of A Red Handed, a weekly true crime podcast. Every week on Red Handed, we yet stuck into the most talked about cases. But we also dig into those you might not have heard of, like the Nephiles Royal Massacre

and the Nithory Child Sacrifices. Whatever the case, we want to know what pushes people to the extremes of human behaviour. Find, download and binge Red Handed wherever you listen to your podcasts. Emily, do you remember when One Direction called it a day? I think you'll find there are still many people who can't talk about it. Well luckily, we can. A lot, because our new season of terribly famous is all about the first One Directioner to go it alone. Zayn Malik We'll take you on Zayn's journey from Shilad from Bradford to being in the world's biggest

boy band and explore why why when he reached the top He decided to walk away. Follow terribly famous wherever you get your podcasts Gavin yes, are you ready? Yeah, your time is now. Oh, no. Your story is called, how to do gay dating. Is it? Okay. Yeah. I should preface this by saying, I came out very late, like when I was like 22,

because I grew up very religious and it took me a long time. And then it kind of almost instantly got into a relationship for like two and a half years. And then that broke up because the guy, he didn't really like to have sex. And then one night I kind of called him on it and he was like, look, I really love you and you have a great personality,

but you're not physically my type. Oh, after how long? Two and a half years. No. And I was like, okay, I guess we're broken up. And then we broke up. And then very shortly after that, I was touring, okay, I guess we're broken up. And then we broke up. And then very shortly after that, I was touring with this gay theater company at Arturano

into the UK in this kind of very bad gay play. But I had vowed that I was going to go to the UK and just sew my wild oats and date everyone and really learn how to like, you know, what was out there and who was out there because he wasted like 22 to 24 and a half. And I was mad and very horny. And so I was like, yes, when I didn't realize this, that, you know, I thought, I'm gonna go to the UK and everyone's gonna be like, oh, you're Canadian,

it's so attractive. And then I didn't realize that I'm a ginger. And it's still one thing you don't want to be in the UK. I love a ginger, but you're right. It's difficult. It's hard out there. This was 96. Right.

That was before the time. But so I went there and all the other guys that I was touring with, you know, instantly would go to the bars. And like the first, the guy I was rooming with instantly got this hot Irish boyfriend, the first night. And I was like, we're going up to Ireland

after the tour is over. And I was like, we're going up to Ireland after the tour is over. And I was like, not having really any luck. And so anyways, this is, damn Judy Dentch, figures into this in a big way. Because the sound guy that was doing art show also was working at the National Theater Center. And it was when Judy Dentch was in a little lights music. And he was like, oh, do you want to come and sit in the sound booth

with me and watch a little lights music and I'm like I am gay, yes. I am a gay stereotype. Of course I do. And that was in the day part he was very straight and like but he was just like new I was like a super gay, song time freak. So I'm sitting in the booth with him watching a little lights music and it's amazing and at the interval he's like, oh, damn Jude's needs her battery changed. Do you want to come with me? And I was like, yes, I do. So he go down to the dressing room,

and Judea dentures there, and he's changing her battery pack, and she's like, twinkly eye, Judea denturing at me, and she's like, how are you enjoying it? And I was like, you're doing great. And then she was like, wait till the second half, that's my big number. And I was like, oh my god, I just talked to Judy Dench. And I sat through the second act of Little Night's Music, which is all about people hooking

up. And then I think I got like overly confident because I had spoken to Judy Dench. And then I was like, after this is over, I'm going to do cruising. I'm going to try cruising because I had heard about meeting guys gay cruising, and I knew it kind of involved either a park or the water, but I wasn't super sure. For anyone he doesn't know what's cruising. Cruising is, I don't still really know, but it's just when you, you know, when gay guys walk around outside and they make eye contact and then they sort of like be like

Oh, you want to go home with me and you get together and that's sort of what it is Sometimes they do it right there, but I was young. I didn't really know so I you know the national theater it was the big concrete one and there's like a park behind it that is on the Tams and it's kind of like a yeah, and so I I thought like, oh, that kind of looks like the docks. And you know, a musical just got out. Surely there's gays down there. Getting a bit jacked the ripory. But.

So I was like, yeah. And so I like it went down. And I was like just wandering around with my backpack. And I had kind of like, rippy jeans and a hoodie on. And I was just sort of skirting around. And there was a guy like, and I thought it was like, rippy jeans and a hoodie on, and I was just sort of skirting around. And there was a guy that I thought was like an old guy, but he was probably like 32 maybe. And he was kind of looking at me, and I was looking at him,

and I didn't really know how to do cruising. So I just eventually walked right up to him, and was like, do you have the time? And he was like, depends the time for what? And I was like, oh! And then I was sort of just making small talk and I'm like, oh isn't the view of the Thames lovely? And he's like, yeah, I have a flat just down there.

The views are really lovely. Very good English accent. You want to come to mine. But they don't say my place, they're the same mine. And so then I was like, oh, exciting. I'm getting, like, go to a flat. And so I was like, sure. I like how much this, you've made this man sound like,

Sir Ian McClellan. It actually was. No, it was not. But he might, no, so we were walking there. And I'm kind of talking. I'm like, yeah, I'm an actor. I'm from Canada, blah, blah, blah. And he's like, oh, I'm in finance. And I'm like, yeah, I'm an actor, I'm from Canada, blah blah blah. And he's like, oh, I'm in finance.

And I'm like, oh, you have a flat in London. I'm like, oh, I'm going to get a rich British boyfriend by the end of this. This is exciting. And so we get to his flat and we kind of go up and we go inside. And it's very nice. It overlooks the river. And instantly, he goes right for the belt. Like, no talking, nothing.

Like, the belt, the pants, the outcomes, the dicks. Successful cruising. Yeah, and then I'm like, oh, this is great. And just so he gets my pants down, and I'm sitting on the couch, and then all of a sudden the phone rings, and he's like, I'm sorry, I have to take this. LAUGHTER

And then he gets on the phone, He's like, hello, darling. And then he's like having quite a long conversation. Like, I mean, I know I'm trying to be steady. Are you just lying there just sausage out? Yeah, and I'm just sitting on the couch, like, very turgid because I'm like very horny and like young and it's been two and a half years. And I don't know whether to like,

put it back, or just wait. And I don't know whether to like put it back or just wait. And so I'm trying different poses to be and me and what kind of like trying not to like, I think I just was like, and then I was trying not to ease drop on this conversation where he clearly is talking to his wife. Where he's like, oh, I'm gonna be in the city

for just a couple nights longer, but I'll be back and like love you and darling and kisses and all this kind of stuff. And I'm like, oh, I'm not, I don't know, break up this guy's married. But I still thought we were gonna be a thing. Yeah. And I was, didn't't wanna be a mistress.

So I'm just there with my, and then I'm trying to cover my bone because I don't want his wife to hear. And I think he did actually be like, shh, on the phone. And then he gets off, he finally gets off the phone and he's like, sorry, that was my sister. She's very needy.

I know, like, sure. And I look on his head and there's definitely a wedding ring. But he comes back over and then goes right back to business and he pushes me back on the couch. And then I'm like trying to like also make out with him, but he's just like, no touching. And then I was like, okay. And so I just let him do his thing.

How was it? Not long, I don't think. To be honest. I said how was it, not how long was it. It was very good. No tea. No, it was very good. He knew what he was doing. He knew his way around a wand.

It was a in the calendar, yeah. No, but then so yeah, then it finished. And then he's like, oh, there's a, I don't know if he said watchroom or louer, but there's like a toilet back there. So I went and washed my hands, like splash the water in my face. And I was like, and then I came out of the bathroom and he was just standing at the door with the door open.

And I thought, like, oh, are we going out for a drink? And then, uh, so I went to the door, and then he just took his wallet out and gave me a hundred pounds. 100 pounds. Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh! And I was like, what? I mean, he was like, for the cab. And then as I started to say, like, no, you don't, I'm not far. A cab is like four pounds. The whole thing replayed in my mind, I realized like I'm like a young guy in Rippy Jeans and a hoodie hanging around the ducks and I go back and then I was like, did

I just be a sex worker? And then I was like, that was $200. Yeah, that's what I thought. And then I was like in the was $200. Yeah, that's what I thought. And then I was like, in the cab on the way home, like looking at the end being like, sex work is work, and I could not wait to tell like everybody in the theater company to be like, oh yeah, you may have an Irish boyfriend, but I have $200.

Which back then, before inflation, could have bought you a house, so... Oh, it was more than I was making for the play, that's for sure. It's also nice to have a price, and also, you got paid, isn't it? Do you know what I mean? We've all at some point wondered, what is my price? But it's... yeah, I think that... That's the most I've ever read. The fact that you got sucked off and then got paid is beyond a dream.

Yeah. Unbelievable. Yeah, I was like, I mean, I would have probably wanted to do this, but. I thought this was a bad date. I just thought it was a date. Not at all. Thank you for that.

That was a good problem. Fucking amazing. Thank you for that. That was fucking amazing. You should call your ex. You should call your ex and Tom. It was $200 worth of sex he was missing out on. He would really, he would feel bad. I do less confident as I keep speaking. No, I...

You also have another story. You should have paid every time. Oh, yeah. Oh, from earlier. Yeah. Yeah, none of these stories make me look good. I'm real, I think. No, that's the point of the fucking podcast.

This is I'm true. It's weird make everyone else feel better about themselves. I know. But it's like, sometimes it's, sometimes I feel like I'm the bad dick. Well, this one I definitely have the bad dick. You have $200 dick. You're doing fine. I mean, well, it's been marked out. So time goes on.

It's a cost of living, gross. It's like wine, maybe it's more expensive now, depends on how things age. No, the other story is from the very first person I ever dated took me on a road trip date. We had been out a few times and done it. I was very excited. I was the first person I ever had gay sex with.

And I was very much in love, but he was quite a lot older than me, like, nine years or something. And he was an engineer. We didn't really have very much in love, but he was quite a lot older than me, like nine years or something, and he was an engineer. We didn't really have that much in common. But after a couple of weeks of dating, he was like, hey, we were in Vancouver, and he was like, do you want to come with me this weekend to the gay volleyball tournament? And I was like, they're straight volleyball. A theme. That's what I've been saying. No, I don't.

Straight ball. I feel like I didn't know it existed, but you're right about that, Sabina. So I was like, sure. Yeah, so, you know, it was like, Seattle's like a two and a half hour drive, and so we got in the car, and he had like a little Mazda Miata, which the Gaze did at that time. And we were there. And then the whole way there, though, I realized like maybe we didn't have that much in common

because he was playing, I don't know what the band is like. Hey, everybody, days now. Doom, doom, doom, doom. Yeah, well anyways, that's a band. And apparently they have a whole album. It's CNC music. It's CNC music factory. And they have a whole CD of It's CNC music. CNC music factory. And they have a whole CD of that with two sides.

And he played that blasting the whole way to Seattle. So I was like, I'm like, this is not a little night's music. So I was like, maybe we don't have a lot in common. But so anyways, we went to the volleyball tournament. And the whole deal was in, it was in this like, school gym, like near a hotel, and there was gay volleyball players from all across America. And my job was to just sit in the bleachers

and watch him and his team play volleyball, which was very boring. And also, I was surrounded by hot gay volleyball players from all across America. And so I'm like sitting there watching his team play. And then of course, a hot volleyball player sits down beside me and is like, hey, and so exciting. I've seen this bull in a.

Yeah, and then I'm like, I was just like, you know, naive and I'm talking to the guy. And I'm like, well, I don't know, is there a snack stand around? I need to go get some food or something. And he's like, oh, I have cake in my hotel room. And I was like, okay, sure. I'll go... Yeah, let's go eat your cake. And then we went back to the hotel room and I wasn't intending on doing things other than

eating the cake. Bullshit. I mean, maybe I was. I didn't know, but then, you know, things started happening and then we made out and then had cake and then I came back and then sat at the stand. But then we were there for like three days and like he was busy playing volleyball and like totally ignoring me and I kept just going to different guys' hotel rooms.

And like having all of the sex that I could possibly have. And then I made a very big air in judgment because like on the day we were supposed to leave like we went down and we were like about to get in the masammona, we were packing our car and everything and I thought like, oh, this is really weighing heavy on my heart. I should probably come clean. I was like, listen, I should probably tell you like while you were playing volleyball, I sort of like fooled around like with a couple of people. And he was like, with who?

And I was like, I don't know, maybe a mic. Was one. And then he was like, that's it. We're broken up. How could you? And then we had to drive back for two and a half hours with angry C&C sound machine playing extra loud. And he got in the car, let me out.

And then I was like, I never want to see you again. How could you? And I'm like, how could I? That is putting a gust of swoop in the middle of the chocolate factory. I just came out. I had never had sex before. And you sat me in a sea of hot volleyball players

who all want to do sex. I don't think this is my fault. I'd like to take a vote, please. Who's with Gavin here? Oh, there we go. Oh, my God. So what I learned on that trip earned me $200 on the next trip. I can't believe you told him at the beginning of a drive, you fucking psycho.

It's so dumb. The worst. So mad. Yeah, my older sister was so mad at me because her philosophy is deny, deny, deny. Yeah. She could be literally like have robbed money in her hand and she's like, nope, this is not me. And somehow she doesn't so, you're just like,

I guess you didn't do it. Gaslight, gatekeep, girlboss. Yeah. Works every time. Oh my god, thank you guys for some of the best stories I've ever heard. Now I asked this wonderful audience if anyone had some stories to share of their own and boy did you deliver. I have been asked to read out the stories because people are feeling shy

been asked to read out the stories because people are feeling shy and so hopefully you're still willing to like stand up and participate but Ashley are you here? I mean there could be loads of Ashley's but it seems like you know who it is. Oh fuck there's loads of you, hi everyone. Hi babe, how are you? Good, how. Ha ha ha. Hi, babe. How are you? Good. How are you? Good. How you feeling? Feeling great? I'm here. Good. Okay, so I'm going to read the story out for you. You ready? I'm ready.

Okay. So Ashley says, I matched with a guy online when he made a joke about doing a naked car wheel. We were supposed to meet at a park by my house for a sunset drink, but he was one and a half hours late, red flag, so we went to his place. When we got there, I know. I know. Ashley's a legend.

So when we got there, he vanished to the washroom and came out as a naked acrobat and did a cartwheel across the room. This is like a Britney Spears Instagram video. This isn't same. And it was not a big room. He had to be very concise in the cartwheel. So he's planned it before it's like a shit Ryan Gosling in that dirty dancing moment. Okay, so his cartwheel was apparently 10 out of 10, so not his first rodeo. And apparently he was hung like King Kong. So his helicopter was more like a weapon of mass destruction and full flight. Ashley is a writer, clearly a writer. So she thought to herself, OK, this is why

he wanted to do the cartwheel. He also told her three times how big it was as if she didn't hear it the first time. 9.5 inches. Oh, flaccid or hard? I don't think he was, he's a show or not a grower, so I don't know. It's always like that. That's a leg. Yeah, it was like, sorry, he's a show or not a grower, so I don't know. It's always a leg. That's a leg.

Yeah, it was like, sorry, that's a leg. It was a three-legged cartwheel. That's too much. Okay. So she says, then he sat down on the couch and went for a surprise solo performance and proceeded to jack off. What a keeper. I didn't know what to do, so I just turned into my childhood hero Barbara Walters and asked him some hard hitting questions.

Apparently he gets turned on by putting himself in awkward and embarrassing situations. At one point he spread his legs and sat spread eagle with his legs up on the couch So that I had a direct view of his cock and balls and then he said that that was too much And that he felt exposed I didn't like literally like it was like That's so sorry Switch to side saddle so he I couldn't see him. Right, sort of a more of a this situation. And it felt like it went lovely. Yeah, exactly. OK, so he said that he felt to expose

as if you had violated him and went back to his side saddle position. He asked if, so she says, he asked if I wanted to participate in his one-man show and I said, no, thank you, I'm good. His eyes got watery, like he was going to cry, right before he came on his chest. He then took out a little neatly folded napkin that was in his jean pocket that he had placed beside him.

This was clearly a planned event. His props were right beside him and he knew exactly where that napkin was for tidy time, not tidy time. He then ran to the washroom to put his clothes back on. I called an Uber as soon as possible. I got a text a week later asking for a second date and I declined to be on call. Stand up, Husty! That's amazing. Random applause, Husty. Take a bow. LAUGHTER

Are you sure it wasn't a fringe show? A fringe show. Yeah, it's very Cirque de Soleil. It was very... it was interesting. I want to know what hard-hitting question you asked. Oh, I asked a lot. Just went about into his family His job whether your siblings

Oh, how he's like yeah, and then I was like so you jack off randomly in front of people Did you make him cry? I think so he didn't like there was a little bit of a tear More of an embarrassed here, but it was a tear a tear is a tear. Yeah She's a latin. She's a tear. A tear is a tear. Yeah. She's a legend, she's an icon, she's a moment. Thank you, Ashley. Okay. Any other questions, Ashley? No, we're all clearly very stunned.

So next up we have a story from Will. Will are you here? Oh, hello! Will. Hi, babe. How are you? Hello, I'm good. How are you? Yeah, good. You're hunching, I can see that you're anxious. Yes, but I'm still.

Are you still consenting for me to read your story? Excellent. OK, so courageous will. I met this guy at a friend's birthday party and he was super cute. A month later, I ran into him and his friend, but a karaoke bar. The friend came to me and said, Davey is into you.

Then she went to him and said, Will, once you really bad. Will is, well, obviously, you know that. I'm sorry. I'm drunk. No, I'm not. No one had said anything to her. So she was really just trying to play matchmaker. A few minutes later, we kissed, and he was so incredibly drunk that right after we kissed, he threw up on my shoes and spent the rest of the night throwing up and crying about how he always ruins everything. Oh bless him. I relate so hard. When I got home, I found him on Facebook and

messaged him asking him if he was okay. Turned out he was okay. He found it lovely that I cared. I found it adorable that he wasn't trying to pretend to be something that he was not. And we've been together for eight years now They are happily married for five years And they just moved in to Canada last year from Brazil. And he's right here. Will you both stand up? Random applause for Will and Derek.

I love it when these terrible stories turn into lasting love. It makes me really happy. You've all been a fucking wonderful audience. I was so scared of tonight, and you've made this so fun. And thank you so much to our wonderful guests who've told us their stories and to our amazing panelists. My good God. Before we go, I just want to ask you all where everyone can find you other than right here right now. So Gavin, where can people find your work?

You can find me because news at cbc.ca which is a podcast and also a podcast called Let's Not Be Kidding which is out everywhere you get your podcasts. Amazing. I have a podcast called Seek Treatment and thank you and I'm actually doing shows in Toronto the next four days as part of JFL so I'd love to see you at the Royal Cinema. Thank you. You can follow me on Instagram at a Sabrina Wu and then I think because of sag I can't talk about other

Okay, well, I have not that much going on Guys you've been amazing please stand up take about Good night everyone! Bad dates is produced by Smartness Media and Wondery, created by Robert Cohen. Executive producers are Robert Cohen and Jermila Jamil. That's me, produced by Stuart Bailey, produced and engineered and edited by Devon Tori Bryant. Talent producer is Anne Harris. Associate producer is Maddie McCann.

Music by Kushy and Evan Schletter. Executive producers are Will Arnett, Jason Bateman and Sean Hayes. Executive producers for Smartless Media are Richard Coulson and Bernie Kaminsky. If you've had a bad day and you'd like to tell us all about it, our number is 984-265-3283 and our email is baddatespod at gmail.com. We can't wait to hear all about it. That's all for this week, we will see you next can listen to bad dates early and add free on Amazon Music. Download the Amazon Music app today, or you can listen early and add free with

Wondery Plus in Apple podcasts. Before you go, tell us about yourself by completing a short survey at Wondery.com slash survey. The seaside town of Amble is cold, grey and run down, so when a wild dolphin appears, it's the miracle everyone's been waiting for. It was like a magical draw. I'm going and nothing can stop me. I must meet this dolphin. Some believe Freddy has healing powers, others that he's an alien. Everyone wants to swim with him.

It's just... Oh, this world, you know. Until one day, someone is accused of taking things way too far. Alan Cooper committed an act of allude, obscene and disgusting nature. A tabloid scandal leads to a court battle that grips the whole country. By behaving in an indecent manner with a bottle nose dolphin. From Wondry and Blanchard House, I'm Becky Milligan,

and this is Hooked On Freddy. Listen to Hooked On Freddy on the Wondry app or wherever you get your podcasts.