Bad Dates with Jameela Jamil - Partner Checklists (w/ Evan Williams, Alyssa Limperis, and Kel Cripe)

Episode Date: June 22, 2026

Series premiere. Joel Kim Booster sits down with comedians and real-life best friends Alyssa Limperis, Evan Williams, and Kel Cripe to take apart the mental “checklist” of qualities we swear we need in a partner — and what happens to that list the second you actually fall for someone. They get into dating red flags, the code words couples use to defuse a fight, and how the relationships we grew up watching shaped what we think love is supposed to be. Plus, a listener question from a newly single party boy looking for a man who’s got his life together but still knows how to misbehave. Send in your own listener questions by emailing us at [e-mail] or leave us a voicemail at ‪[phone]‬‪. Subscribe to SmartLess Media on YouTube for full episodes, and follow @intimacycoordinatorshow on Instagram and TikTok for clips. Joel Kim Booster: @ihatejoelkim · Loot Season 3 (Apple TV+), Fire Island (Hulu), Psychosexual (Netflix) Evan Williams: @itsevanwilliams · viral “Credit Card Fraud Dept.” characters; album It’s All Embarrassing Alyssa Limperis: @alyssalimp · What We Do in the Shadows, Hacks, Dexter: Original Sin; special No Bad Days (Peacock) Kel Cripe: @kelcripe · creator of the viral “SCRAM!” video; sketch trio Babe Motel Produced by Brian Baldinger and Anne Harris. Associate Producers are Maddie McCann and Katherine Calligori. Editor is Jacob Vaus. Executive Producers are Will Arnett, Jason Bateman, Sean Hayes, Robert Cohen, Richard Korson and Bernie Kaminski. Subscribe to SiriusXM Podcasts+ to listen to new episodes of Bad Dates ad-free. Start a free trial now on Apple Podcasts or by visiting siriusxm.com/podcastsplus. Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

Hello, hello, hello, and welcome to Intimistic Coordinator. I'm your host, Joel Kimbooster, and this is a show where we get into love, sex, relationships, and all the messy, wonderful, humiliating stuff that comes with trying to find another person to put up with you and your life. Today I've got three comedians who I adore, Calcrype, Alyssa Lamperis, and Evan Williams. We dig into the checklist, the qualities you swear you need in a partner, and what happens to that list the second you actually fall for someone, red flags, code words, and a listener question from a reformed horror.

looking for a man who's got a shit together but still knows how to party. Great stories, great people, and a great time. Let's get into it. You can see her on what we do in the shadows. Dexter and most recently on hacks, congrats. And her special No Bad Days is now on Peacock. It's Alyssa LeParis, everybody.

Thank you, thank you, thank you for coming. And he's an actor, stand-up, and writer's scene on Comedy Central's Roast Battle. FX's The Americans and Netflix's The Break. That's range, baby. It's Evan Williams. Yeah. for being here and they're a comedian and writer who's been featured at SF Sketch Fest, New York Comedy Fest, and the Netflix is a joke festival. It's CalCripe.

How are we all doing, folks? We good? So excited. I'm so excited to be with my buddies. This is great. Yes. For the listeners at home, we have a trio of best friends. Literally.

Like that, we were best friends. We really were. We were all on a set together and we were all, we met and then became best friends. There wasn't a lot of distance. in trouble we were so That's right That's the best thing You know what I mean

You know when you get yelled I have an 80 to shut up That you're having a good time Exactly I bring up Albatross soup all the time Should we start with a riddle? Yeah I mean what is

Albatross soup You gotta tell us With this fucking riddle We're having that look We're sitting around for a while I'm going let's feel some time Why don't we do a little bit of a riddle So I

There's no way that she said the riddle as it's supposed to be saying. Go ahead, tell it. Which makes it harder to guess. If the riddle is not told. She said a guy walks into a bar, first of all, a bar. A bar, did I say? He said a bar.

Maybe you said restaurant. You should have said restaurant. So let's say you said restaurant. Wouldn't have helped. No matter what bar restaurant, he wouldn't have given any. The guy walks into a restaurant. More inclusive, though. He orders a bowl of albatross soup, okay.

Takes a sip, goes outside, kills himself. and then she just looked at us like no prompt of like why he killed himself what's going on Arpatra's soup no there's a lot of there's a mystery on mystery on mystery and then by the time I got to the solution it there was so many

there's a solution and I was like so there's zero chance you get it spoiler alert by the way so tune out now if you don't want to know the answer to this riddle and you want to figure it out on your own but the solution is like well a father and daughter were shipwrecked on an island with a bunch of people. How would be it were able to get there?

And they were on the island for a long time. Uh-oh, they ran out of food. They had to eat a soup. The father told the daughter, don't worry, honey. This is Albatross soup. Of course, people are even telling you. There's zero chance to have gotten there. The answer is 10 times as long as this wrong?

It's not fair. When someone died, they started serving people's soup. But to comfort the children, they would say it's albatross soup. So this kid grew up, went to a bar, ordered albatross soup, realized it doesn't taste like this. I must have eaten human. There's so many logical leaves. The fact that the person would taste the soup and immediately go, well, I was eating people. I don't know what's in this one, but I was eating people.

I think truly for eight hours, we were guessing. Where did you come up with this riddle? Oh. Oh, it's me. No, you'd think it's me. Sorry. You think it's out of my mind. 100% I heard this riddle.

I'm from, I think my friend Gwyn Ballard, who was telling riddles at a wedding once to the point where my friend's boyfriend said, stop it. You have to stop. You have to stop. I'm mad at my friend's. I got to tell you, it doesn't have the narrative satisfaction of, the doctor was his mother. Yes. Or like the horse's name was Friday.

It doesn't happen. No, not all. Let's just, listen, we've already broken the ice, but we're going to break the ice a little bit further with today's icebreaker question, which is, what is your biggest dating red flag? Or if you don't have one off the top of your head, what's something you didn't realize was a red flag until you experienced it? We'll start with Cal.

What would be your biggest dating red flag? So there's so many options for this, right? I was thinking long and hard. And I think if you feel a pit of anxiety in your stomach at the idea of double texting, it's not your person. That is so good. Like my sister and I always joke, nothing is more relieving than someone sending you like seven short messages in a row. And it's like, we've broken the seal. That's right.

There's no, like, I think the right person will make you be like, I couldn't text them wrong. Yes. You know, if you're too worried about text etiquette, respectfully. you know, across all parties. But like I think with my girlfriend who's loved my life, I feel like it never once crossed my mind that I was like, that I wasn't

allowed to like text. Yeah, and you can have different cadences. Like I'm on the fence with texting because a lot of people are like, he's a bad texter. And I'm sort of like of the mind of no one's a bad texter. Like when you, especially at the beginning, when you like someone, you're texting them back.

But cadences can be different. I found out really quickly that my boyfriend or my husband, rather, takes a lot. of naps and I would text Mietje Jihari like three or four times over the course of the first four months that we were dating it's over he's ignoring my texts he hasn't responded in an hours it's over he's over it and then I would have to text her back like three hours later and be like never mind he was napping my girlfriend when we first started dating had an allergy attack like an allergic reaction and was in the hospital for like 10 hours

and I was like what you hope for that yeah it's like bad news but you go they're either not texting me back or they're in the hospital God, something terrible. That's right. But no games. No games. No games. My girlfriend texted me as I walked away.

Would love to see you again. Amazing. Amazing. Evan? I think if you hear too soon that you're their best friend. And that used to be like so romantic to me. Like, you know, like two weeks in like you're the best friend I've ever had. And I would be like, that's amazing.

Like what a like, I have this like hot little buddy, you know? That's fantastic. That's love bombing at J-Sat. Right. Yeah. Yeah. And then you realize like, wait,

why don't you have friends better than me? You know, like, I'm not that good of a friend. Right. I want to have sex with you all the time. There's ulterior motives, you know,

and like, you annoy me. And I annoy you to death. There's kind of for me, it's one of my biggest, like, turnouts, just socially enjoy.

general is over familiarity. Like, don't pretend like you know me that well when you don't. Like, don't try to, like, we're not on the level to, like, joke like that. We're not on the level for you to be intrusive like that. Like, it makes me recede so much quicker when people are too soon, too familiar. Couldn't agree more.

I couldn't agree more. And I think, you know, I'm from Massachusetts. There's a tough, it's a very, there. And we all started in New York. There's something that's like, no, we have to earn that we like each other. Let's, let's have a long time. I will say I can bring in the, like, lesbian

perspective. We were moving in date too. People have told me a lot that I'm a lesbian. I'm a U-Haul lesbian, as they say. Amazing. Because I was moving in a lot. I was like, you know, yeah. And I'm currently back with a girl that I was with for two years,

and then we took seven months off. Is she your best friend? She's earned best friend at this point, you know? We've been through some trials and tribulations. Yes, yes. But what someone's saying is, says I'm your best friend, it really sets you up for a lot of times

where you're like, my best friend wouldn't do that. You're mad I was hanging out with John? That's crazy. Your best bud wouldn't care. Yeah, that's a good one. That's a really good one. You guys have thought about this. Alyssa? I'd say like if someone has like a banana tattoo,

like on the... No, I'm not saying I don't have red flags. That's a big one right there, yeah. No, you know how long I've been out of the dating game that I'm... Because I got this... Readers at home, we got this question ahead of time. We've had a little bit of time.

Readers. Readers at home. Maybe you're reading the transcript. Maybe you saw. You saw how we look at it. And you kind of went, I don't know if I want to, yeah. And I was literally like, if they honk when they're at your house. If you're in your house.

When it's 2004, they honk at your house. You were in high school. You were in high school. Your parents are there. I get what you're saying, oh, a little bit. It's a respect thing. It's a respect thing. It's a respect thing.

another riddle, Guy Hawks killed himself. What happens? 2004. What happens? What's going on there? No, but I like everything that's been said. And I think my friend Glenn Boozan has said, you can't say the wrong thing to the right person. And I think it goes back to Kel's advice of just you should feel like yourself. Like you shouldn't feel like you're someone different.

So if you're feeling like you're putting on a show when you're with someone, even if that's a really fun show and everything's going great, if you feel like when you leave you're like decompressing, that's probably not a good sign, even though it feels exciting. Games are for boards. Yes. Wow. Put that on a T-shirt. Well, this is actually, this is a great, all of your red flags are a really great segue into the thing we are talking about today.

Today's topic is really about the stuff on paper. Like the sort of the checklist of qualities that a lot of people set out to like search for a partner with, you know. Like some people have a lot of things on that list. Some people have three. But it's interesting. Sort of the thing that the thread that connects all three of you together and your red flags is this idea that it's feeling-based, that it's a little bit more reading the vibes and like knowing yourself rather than necessarily hitting like the checkmarks of what's going in. But I am curious because you're in a relationship currently. You're in a relationship currently.

You're in a relationship currently. Let's just start this. like do your current partners meet the checklist that you have in your head? Please. Can I steal the mic here? Please. A friend of mine once gave me the advice of the importance of making a list of the qualities you're looking for in a partner, like physically writing it down in a kind of manifesting

way. And I did that like a month or two before I met my partner. And we laughed so hard because I'm someone, I had a long one. and the only two she didn't have was I thought I wanted someone 5-2 was on my list. Hey, get her annular. Yeah. There wasn't a range there that was just 5-2?

I had like had it in my mind that that's who I was supposed to be in. How tall are you? 5-4. 5-5 to the doctor. Sure. I won't tell. Yeah. Yeah.

And then not a lot. allergic to cats because I had a cat. But she is allergic, but we make it work. Wow. She's, in fact, the most allergic person I've ever met across the board. Like, she is, like, her nickname was Tissue Girl. Oh, no. In school, could she always had Tissue.

It's crazy because Tissue Girl, that imparts sneezing, you know, sinus problems. Tissue Boy, that's a very different kind of thing. That's a very different kind of thing. We don't fuck with Tissue Boy. But Tissue Girl, that makes a lot of sense. How many things would you, like, estimate are on your list? I would say, like, probably 25. 25.

That's a lot. Give us some of the highlights. I feel like, okay, I feel like one of the biggest ones that sounds so simple is, like, literally likes me. We talked about this on this podcast before. It is such a weird thing that some people do not consider this in their relationships. It ties back into the games, I think, because it's just. Like when you know you want like to make someone's life better, you have no desire to like be vague.

Yep. I think. I also do think it ties into how much you love yourself. Because I'm thinking like when I hear that, why would you not want that? But I'm like, oh, in my life when I haven't wanted that is when I have not liked myself. And so if you don't like yourself, you don't even know to find someone who likes you because you're like, oh, that's not familiar to me. Yeah. Yeah.

And like, good one to have on the list. I'm also a big gabber. So I was like loves to talk. Yeah. Like loves to swap stories. Um, uh, I said like, uh, ties into the likes me, but is the like cares about my life and the people in it, like wants to like invest in the people in my life. Um, because I had tended a little bit to kind of go like all in on a crush and kind of like abandoned my own life. So I was like, it's really important to me that it's like a mutual interest here. No, that's totally fair. And I'm so happy for you that you found someone who meets 23.

I mean, that's... 23 miles is a big of average. And the two that she don't meet are sort of the most sort of... Out of control. Right. She's always like... How tall is she? She's always like...

How tall is she? Probably like 5, 6. Okay. Oh, you didn't want someone taller. Yeah, I thought I wanted to be like... I thought I wanted to be kind of like Evan. Yeah. In terms of like...

Oh, I was like, what a year? Am I? Check out this episode on YouTube if you want to see what Evan looks like. In my head, if I was taller than someone that meant my role in the relationship was masculine. I think this is so fair because I have always wanted someone my height or shorter if I was going to be big man. Yeah. And now I am like permanently little spoon. Yeah, my husband is six two.

My husband is six too. And he's like, and he's the six two, like, mostly bottoms. And it's like, it's a weird thing for me to get, it was a weird hill for me to get over at the beginning. And a weird hill for him to get over. He famously told me, we were talking about how we were in the same place at the same time on a lot of vacations. And I was like, it's crazy.

We never spoke on Grindr or anything like that. And he was like, oh, you would have been filtered out. Because you were tolerant? Because I wasn't tolerated. Whoa. And again, that level of honesty. No, I didn't filter. I didn't use the filters.

I'm very much like, there's room for everybody at the table, sexually, especially. But like, yeah, it was, that is crazy. Did either of you two have checklists? I am, I, I, I, uh, I'm a lover, you know. I, some would say love addict, someone would say that, yeah. Some would say. Some would say, okay, doctor, yeah. So once I go to, would raise their hands with me when I say it, yeah.

And so for me, I, I wasn't looking at. checklists for a while there. Yeah, I mean, you knew me and you knew me when I was a very wholesome married man. Yes, I was actually going to ask you about this. Did your ex, did you have a checklist before your ex and did, how did that? She checked everyone. She checked everyone. She was just the best little, you know, wonderful thing and a really wholesome person and we were wholesomly married for, you know, 11 years. But we got married as little babies. And so we, we grew apart just kind of naturally. It's all love to this day.

She's remarried him happy for her. But I was single for the first time in my life at 32. And like, you know, with DMs and a bit of a following. And I appreciate it. And I appreciate it. Macho? Yeah, I was like, do you identify as macho before I project that onto you? No.

I mean, thank you. Yeah. It's flattering. It's flattering. It's entirely complimentary. Thank you. I appreciate it. I identify as a little tiny boy.

Yeah. Just a little soft. And do you feel like maybe that's why you like to lift out? Lift out. Lift out. Lift out. Lift out. I feel so smart.

I'm going to lift out. Out and up. Yeah. No, I, uh, she checked a lot of them. Yeah, she checked if not all of them if I ever made a checklist, you know. But we just, uh, once you, you can't, my, my thing is like, you can't really know what your checklist is until until you run into some roadblocks and you're like, oh, you know, You know what, that's on the checklist, you know?

Yeah. You can, like, you can theorize what your checklist is until you get in the field and and you see, like, what actual difficulties are and, like, how you guys are able to show up and how you're not able to show up. And you're like, oh, man, but if you're with the right person, like, stuff's going to come up on her checklist too, his or her or their checklist. And you guys can, like, meet each other in the middle, you know what I mean? This relationship now, we're meeting in the middle on, on so many things that, like,

Like, you know, I'm really, like, proud of us for, like, I was just telling somebody this morning, like, I've been looking at her recently and I'm like, man, you're still here. That's crazy. You know, like, we've been through so many things and, like, you've seen me at the lowest, the highest, like, and you're still here and you got that smile on your face still. Like, that's crazy. To me, that's, like, above anything I could write down on a checklist. I think about that a lot, too. Was Luca surprise to you? Your boyfriend?

I'm kind of, yeah, I feel like I'm in a similar boat. No, I was so young. Like we both, I think, do you guys all relate to this? Like, as comedians, like, I feel like for a while I thought I was very different and I didn't understand like why I connected to some people and why I didn't. And then once I started doing comedy, I'm like, oh, it's just funny people. I just in my life, when I met someone that was in comedy, then I fell to kinship. So with Luke, it was just very exciting to be like, oh, we speak the exact same language.

This is so easy. This has never, like, we're, I'm not acting. Like, I'm, this is me. And we were friends first, which helped as well. But then, yeah, you grow up. And so, yeah, like, if I had made a checklist at 25, that would look very different than the one I would make this morning. And so I think being part of a long-term relationship is being like, okay, I love you, you love me. We love each other at our cores.

As our checklists change, how do we talk about that? How do we adjust that? Yeah. I have a very similar story to you in that three months before I met my husband, I put out in the universe. I wrote it down one time on a Post-it note, but I was just like, I want someone who, who is on my level, like, can keep up with me who makes me laugh and someone who, within the first 15 minutes of meeting them,

does not bring up how disgusting they think homeless people are. And which is sort of a catch-all for just being kind and sort of politically aligned with me on that sort of stuff. You're running into that a lot, huh? Literally, in LA, it's crazy the number of guys you will meet within the first 15 minutes. And they will get so mad about, like, at homeless people specifically, and not at any of,

of the systemic factors that brought them to that place. But yeah, and I remember very vividly being on the beach with him the night we met after we had hooked up and been like, so, like, and asking, and going through it all. And he had already started making me laugh. He think he's the funny his person alive. And like, I think like just those three as sort of catchalls, I think it's something internally we all know. Yeah.

Like those sort of three things, I think. And like, I didn't, I didn't like tell him right away, but I did tell my friend on the second day after meeting him, I'm going to marry this man. And my friend was like, you're being psycho. You need to chill out. But I think like, you know, because I was at a point, I was 33. So like I, it's exactly what you were saying earlier is I liked myself and I knew myself at that point.

And I don't think I was ready before that because I was so all over the fucking place and like about myself. Totally. My, in terms of knowing on like the second date, my girlfriend's friends, after we had our first date she was like so all into me not to brag and um but her friends were like we don't want you to like just rush in we want you to go on one more date with someone and she didn't tell me for like months and months that she did this but she went on like one date with with someone in between our first and second date and she said that that whole date she was just wishing we were together and that's

like how she knew and it validated to her friends like okay you can pursue this but it was funny too just to throw out there we were talking about apps was that we met on Hinge but it turns out we lived on the same street it felt like I was like the universe was like okay you dummies won't look up from your phones

they were right there the whole time you could have bumped into each other carrying groceries dropped all your fruit on the ground on the sidewalk we should go back and do it again yeah yeah yeah yeah did any of the Did any of your partners have, like, a red flag that you were worried about initially going in? I dare one of you.

Maybe being too perfect, too beautiful, too funny, too smart. Too good to me, right? Yeah. I've got a jokey one is my girlfriend's also a napper. And I grew up kind of with, like, napping. Well, not anti-nap, but napping meant being very, like, sad and, like, hiding from life. And I was like always trying to get her to stop napping because I was like, no, don't fall

into the darkness. But eventually I just learned. That's just closing your eyes. It gets dark. Yeah, I haven't slept ever. No, but no, but I like learned that that was just something she genuinely loves. And I've talked to a lot of girls since who are just like, it's like a girl. thing is like I love to nap and so I have to be like she's happy this is her happy

place how how is it girly I don't know why we really gender gendering this like because my husband he does two things the girls get it girl naps my husband he yaps and he naps those are like those are the two dichotomies and he says it's because he's too active in his dreams he doesn't he doesn't get a good amount of sleep at night because his dreams are too intense and he's working. He's working away. Okay, I'm so similar too. I've sometimes had credits roll at the end of my dreams. Seriously.

Yes, they're like full, beginning, middle end credits roll. And I wake up. And by the way, I love to be in a thank you. Who is the picture of photography? I don't know. I just have such a distinct memory of like a high angle, me in the bathroom, somber finishing the movie, credits roll fade to black. And it was definitely like not real words.

Like everything was a different font, different color. But I just remember waking up like, wow. On a journey. Like art house movies were like, the scene's still going. Yeah. You're just kind of like living with yourself in the bathroom. I was like looking in the mirror at a house party in the bathroom. Like, I'm going to be okay.

Okay, but that thing you're saying about NAPS, I do feel something that's kind of cool about relationships is like you had this negative association with NAPS or NAPS meant something to you. So then when you see someone else doing it, you immediately prescribe to them like, oh, that's negative for you. And then it's helpful to then realize, like, oh, no, no, that for them is really happy. I don't, like, yeah, we can. Red flag turned green.

Red flag turned green. You know, it's crazy is I had, I struggled with the exact same thing because for me, for me growing up, naps were associated with being lazy. And it took me a long time to accept that, A, his ADD brain works just so much differently with me than mine regarding, like, work and chores and stuff like that. Like he, like, he's just laser focus on one thing and lets a lot of the others. He's like fish eye lens. I'm like wide angle lens.

And so, and we just have to learn that. Is there anything that you guys had to learn over the course of your relationships that you now think is like paramount in the success in the health of your relationship that you didn't expect or didn't have on the list before even mentally? I think just being, I know it's like a cliche one with like just being wrong. But that's like beyond like the romantic relationships, like in every relationship, friendship in my life. Any encounter, it's just like just being wrong. Like I wish more people understood like how freeing it is. Like just to be like, I was wrong about, yeah. I'm like kind of stupid when it comes to that.

Like, you know, I'm completely ignorant. I'm in new waters. So here we are. It is the hardest thing to do because there's a moment of tension when you're like deciding if you're going to fight this or be like, no, you were right. Yeah. And like it is the most difficult thing. My husband and I have the system, though, where if we've like maybe disagreed about something and then it turns out that one of us was in the right, so sort of cut through the tension,

we will just go, you're right. I just scream that you're right. And it's so funny every time. Yep. And it immediately cuts the tension. Totally. And it's playful. And it reminds you, like, we're on the same team.

We're having fun. It's okay. Who cares? Who cares? Who cares. But I do really feel that strongly where it's helped me in friendships too to be like, if someone feels like it takes two people to create a problem. So even in the beginning, I think I would be way quicker to be like, he does this thing

that annoys me versus being like, oh, what's wrong in our dynamic that's causing this thing to happen and knowing that I'm a player in that as well? That's like, yeah, hugely helpful. The thing is, for people who are more inclined to want conflict and drama in their lives, it completely defangs them immediately. Yeah. When you come back with, no, actually, I was wrong. Yeah, like, and then they're like, wait.

They don't know what to do with that. That would be no real housewife franchise. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. Yeah, you're right. Yeah, I did it. I'm a monster. What you're saying is valid, and I was a little off on that.

I could learn. It's kind of a good video. I was considered it from your POV. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've also had to learn how to navigate out of that, though, because, like, in terms of out of the, okay, I know I'm wrong. We know we love each other. How do I, like, not carry guilt and anxiety about.

Tell, let me tell you. You're never wrong. Let me just tell you, Kel, I love you, and I cannot imagine you've ever done anything wrong, so just kind of let you take that with you. I gab too much. I gab too much. Never. But I, but like my girlfriend and I made a code word for how to, like, properly get out of a conflict

where I just carry a lot of, like, guilt and anxiety. And so I'm like, I know you're not mad at me, but how do I know, know that you're not mad at we can resume laughing and having fun? and so we have a code word which is and we use it sparingly for full impact is F word and that means forgive I forgive you there is nothing I haven't said there's nothing still on the table we've gotten it all out and we're good and so if I'm really anxious should be like F word and I go F word and we know it's like done and we released it and I feel like the value of code words to quickly signal to your partner like oh this is bringing up this memory or this is bringing up this and

making it goofy words. We have like, I think edamame means like, Kel, you're talking a little too much of the function. Pat Reagan has a joke that I love, which is in every gay relationship, there's one who talks and one who's not allowed. I am definitely the one who's not allowed in my, but it is so fun to like, be like, oh, somebody will be like, should I go rescue my friend who's been talking to John Michael for a long time?

And I'll, like, peek in and be like, no, he's actually almost at the end of this story. And it's funny, we also use F word too, but it's usually when I'm like, he's being a little faggy. Hey, you're being an F word right now. I say that. I say it. Okay, we do something that is really helpful.

That I can't remember when we learned it. We read it in some article and it's helped hurt or hugged. Have you guys ever used this? No, no. It's really helpful because I sometimes feel not, I don't know if it's a gendered thing, but like I feel that sometimes, early in our relationship, I would have a problem.

And there would be a lot of solutions presented to me. And I was like, I don't want solutions. I just want to be like heard right now or comforted. And so that's really helpful. Because then sometimes now I'm like, no, helped. And so if it's helped, then we're in solution territory. But if I've just like had a bad day or something, then it's heard.

Usually heard and hugged. But then sometimes I'm like, okay, help, let's move to help here. Yeah. That's big for me. I feel like whenever I would watch TV shows or movies where you can tell the subtext of the scene is guy is trying to be too helpful.

Girlfriend just wants to complain. I'd go like, that's me and I need to take note and work on not being solution-oriented all the time. But again, I think that comes back to the two-person thing where it's like, if no one's telling you, like I think we have to teach each other how we like to be treated. It's like, how would you know?

Because you're like, oh, maybe when you have a problem, you want a solution. So then when someone presents a problem, you're like, oh, I'm going to help them by giving them a solution. So yeah. Another important question is like why you operate that way, you know, and like why we operate the way we operate

and like what trauma it's coming from? You know what I mean? So like, why do I need to fix this? Because like when I was a kid, shit was crazy and I was trying to fix it every day. And if I could just fix it, that would mean that everything was going to be okay. There was no threat.

And then yes, yes, yes. Like the other kids in school, I have a happy family at home. You know, now I'm like trauma dumping on you guys. No, no, no, no. But it's like, you know, everybody has their thing. Like my. No same bro.

Yeah, bro. We're drama dumping together, you know? Yeah, yeah. And, like, my, my girlfriend, like, admittedly, like, you know, from her mouth, she's like, you know, I have a bit of both of my parents, like, one is like, I'm a loud mouth like my mom, and then I'll also shut down, like, my dad, you know? And it's like once you get to know the history behind somebody, like, you can love that about them too, you know, and you get you see through, like, the adult that's, like,

arguing with you and you see that little kid who just, like, wanted their parents to be okay. And it's an opportunity to like mutually heal each other in that way where I come from a very talkative like loud outburst family. And she comes from more of a like everything's okay. Let's not talk about it family. And I think she helps me work on like pulling it back a little. Like it's okay. Like everything's fine. And then I can kind of help encourage you to be like, this is a safe place to tell me you're annoyed with me.

You're annoyed at something. Like, I want you to pull that out, not hide it in. And it's like a cool chance to heal those, like, kid. Yeah. I mean, jumping off of that, is there anything about your parents' relationship, good or bad, that you witnessed growing up that sort of you internalized and added to the checklist? Maybe, like, I don't want that or I do want that. Just modeling after your parents or not modeling after that. I mean, yeah, I think it all starts there. I think the only thing we see growing up is our parents.

So I think there were things that I thought were love. that later I realized like, oh, that might not have that what I've been my, I need this in order for this. It's not love if it's not this. And then kind of unlearning, oh, some of that wasn't necessarily love. Some of that might have been an unhealthy attachment. And so I think if you asked me what I thought love was 10 years ago versus now, I'd have a very different answer because you learn how other people love and what their families look like

and you find some middle ground. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. My parents got divorced when I was like four, classic. And then my dad moved to a different state. And I had a really interesting, like, juxtaposition where my mom raised me as one of the, like,

strongest, most hilarious, wonderful women people in the world to me. And she's, like, never gone on one date in my whole life. And my dad was, like, always with a different woman every time I ever saw him. And it was, like, I just craped stability and consistency. and like I saw what kind of could happen if I didn't put myself out like she was like I knew when I since I was a little kid I just wanted to be a mother and I kind of took I just wanted to become a mother however I could and I knew how important love was to me and partnership was to me and but I didn't really have any like example for it and that's why I'm so grateful to have found someone that like

makes me feel so safe and reminds me every day that like she wants to be with me we want to get married, we want to have babies, like, is always affirming that kind of, like, abandonment fear I have, tea dumping with you, bro. Yeah. Trauma dumping. And I think, like, I feel also so grateful because my sister has found, my older sister found an amazing partner who, like, is, like, the guy version of my girlfriend, who's, like, so sweet and kind.

And I think we can be a lot, and they're very calm people who, like, it's not overwhelming to them. And so I worried so much that because I didn't have an example, I would have no clue what to chase. And for so long, I was, like, so afraid of love and, like, so desperate to bend myself to be what someone wanted. And then truly, I say to my friends, it's like, you will accidentally, it's not about being ready. Like, you've checked off all the things that, and now you're ready to be loved. It's about, like, accidentally stumbling into someone who... Accidentally in love.

Literally. They wrote a song about this. They wrote a song about this. But it's like accidentally stumbling into someone who's not, no one's perfect yet either, but you want to grow together. Yeah. And there's nothing you can do that makes you like, now you're worthy of love. It really is the thing I think that a lot,

I struggled with and didn't realize until I met my husband is I spent my entire life imagining what it would be like to fall in love with someone. And until I met my husband, I had never conceptualized once what it would feel like to be loved by someone. And I think like that's the thing that everybody needs to, to be looking for is like if nothing else, like you should feel loved and like, and that is transformative in its own way.

A therapist of mine once had me write down, I don't need to be of service to have value. Like I always wanted to be a partner that was like, what's everything, everything I can do for you? And I had never imagined what it would feel like. And that is such a challenge is, are you able to accept that? Like are you ready to accept being loved?

Yeah. Yes. And that's harder. I think that's definitely, yeah. I think I struggle with, that as well. The idea of love means giving and perhaps

like, yeah. You can't even say receiving. Giving in the other one the opposite. An open whole to receive their love. Perfect. Okay, so before I let you guys go, we are going to help out one of our listeners who wrote in with a very specific

problem with his own sort of checklist that he has for his next partner. Hello, Joel, and Distinguished Panel of Guests. That's you guys. I am a gay guy who is a massive whore in my 20s, followed by a five-year period of self-imposed celibacy to stop attempting to solve my problems with Dick.

Wow, that's a long time. I'm now 35, a bit of a catch, TBH, and back on the market, which is really fun. However, I'm finding that a lot of the settled boys I am dating are a bit dull. They have never taken a single step on the wild side, let alone a walk. I want a man with their shit together, but I also want a man who has a man who has a has transitioned from being a 365 party girl to more of a 12-day party girl like myself. Where should I look for men like this? This is a really interesting question because the checklist is shit together, but also

used to have fun. Right. And the thing is, I totally get it. I totally get the sort of thought at the back of your head when you're dating somebody who's never done anything. That like, oh, are they going to be happy? Are they going to be satisfied with me? Like, are they going to want that later on down the road?

And like, you want somebody who's been used and abused and ready to go for the next phase. And so I get that. But I also think that, like, not everybody wants that, you know? And I wonder why this is important to him in the first place. I literally think it goes back to what we were saying, which is like maybe he's thinking, well, I needed the wild side to get out of. So if someone hasn't had it, they also must need it. But it's like, oh, no, they could be totally different.

And they could be someone who craves stability and doesn't want that. And so, yeah, I think there's two issues too. It's like, there's the dull factor and that. So it's like, is it that you don't want someone dull or is it that you want someone who's gotten this out of their system and it's now dull? That's maybe what they need to ask. I think also, like, it sounds like wanting someone who doesn't judge me for my past or also, like, can come from a similar place as me and we can kind of, like,

Like in a, like I'm sober and I think just being able to like communicate, like have a sense of understanding before you have to explain yourself is like, is very helpful to feel at ease in a relationship. In terms of where maybe the library. I think like, you don't like dope. Okay, go to the library. There's really fun stuff there. I think the thing is, is maybe just to be real practical with him about the wares is if you're still, if you're, if you're going to parties 12 times, you know, in a year or whatever, like, you catch somebody who you see at the party who's feeling a little like over it, you know, and you find them, and because

they're on the way to transition out of that lifestyle. You grab them on the way out. Maybe they're 24. Maybe they're not at 12, but they're not 365. You know, and the party ends at 5, you're like, oh, that's the person I want. Like, they still came, but they're ready to go. Listen for the scoff. Listen for the scoff. Yeah, maybe they're going to two opposite ends of the extreme. They just got to go in the middle. They got to go in the middle. Yeah.

Evan? I think just, I don't know, we can get too caught up trying to, like, control, like, what someone's circumstances are going to be, like, the perfect person's circumstances when, like, that's getting a little too caught up in the past instead of, like, where are they at today? Yeah. You know, like, and then literally just like a sober thing, which is take it one step at a time, like one day at a time. You know what I mean?

And if you're in a relationship and you're worried about, like, who they were, you're in the wrong spot, I think, you know? As far as where, probably an AA meeting. Yeah. That's a good one. That's a good one. That's totally cool to show up and observe. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Just here doing research. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So, listen. If you have a question that you would like answer to problem, piece of advice, you'd like to hear from us or something we can tackle. Leave us a voicemail at 213-379-9-8-51. That's 213-379-9851.

Or you can email us at bad datespot at gmail.com. Also, we love this if you have a text exchange or a screenshot of a DM that's confusing to you that you would like us to examine and maybe get you some answers for. or you can also email those to bad dates pot at gmail.com. We'd love to hear from you. So before we go, I just have one last question for you that our listeners are dying to hear. And I think we've, the thing about this panel is we're all in such healthy relationships.

I kept thinking, like, if I was a single person listening to this, I'm driving off the road. Yeah, it's been so lovely to be. Guys, let's be honest with the listeners. There's no. No. My friends joke, I live in a, like, a gingerbread house with a gumdrop wife and we, like, make cookies every night. Do you struggle with this?

I do not have a lot of material about my relationship because it's so uninteresting comedically because it's just good. It's just so loving and safe. Yeah. I know, I joke like when we argue, if we argue, we get quieter and closer. Like, it's not interesting, you know? Oh my God, that's adorable. We're like, I just love you and I just never want to make. And then we go into our gumdrop house and like everything's, no, because conflict is important and good, but it's not explosive if it's healthy.

Safe, which is boring for comedy. Exactly. Exactly. What is one piece of advice you would give anybody to make their love life or their relationship better? Their love life in general or if they're in a relationship, their relationship. It can be either or. And you guys have dropped so many pearls of wisdom already today. I'm sorry to ask you to continue, but if you have a tidbit to share, our listeners would be very appreciative.

Not to steal the mic again. Before I met my girlfriend, I worked at a barber shop as a receptionist, and my manager there gave me such wonderful advice, which was like, Kel, this person could be the greatest person to ever walk this earth. If you don't see yourself as the prize, you're not going to be able to de-pedestal. Like you can't Yeah, good luck following this Guys Like you can't

You won't be able to Depestolize someone And like be on the same Depatistolize someone It's also a little sexual There's also something I know I know

I don't want to hear it again Wait Is that well like you know Take them off the pedestal Okay I made a word I made a word I'm sorry My friends call me Webster

Um No but But like you have to see yourself as a prize You have to consider what you bring to a relationship, not just how wonderful this person is. And with that comes self-love to be able to accept love. Totally.

I think you hear this a lot, but I think it's just true is that you have to be happy on your own, by yourself. Like, at least I was on a podcast in 2019, two years before I met my husband saying, I am so happy being single right now and my life is so good. I don't think I'm cut out for relationships and I never want to be in a relationship because I'm so happy with how things are going right now. And it is like one of those things you have to earnestly believe you cannot trick the universe by saying like I don't want it, I don't want it, I don't want it. When in fact that's all you want.

But like once you transition into that place, I think naturally, you just attract like the person that is going to compliment you. That was going to be tangential to my advice, which is just like having things outside of your relationship that also bring you joy so that you can come back together versus being in a place where you're kind of each other's only source. of joy and stability. I think it's great to be able to lean on each other, but it's also great to make sure you maintain your community and your hobbies and your identity outside of the relationship. Dude, for real.

Yeah. I just so agree. Working on that right now, it's like we love every single second of the day with each other. Let's make sure we don't forget our community. Yeah, yeah. It's a hard balance. And I think we're all trying to, we're all on one end of it,

trying to find, yeah. It's harder in LA, right? Yeah. It's, it is harder in LA because it's so much easier to just stay at home, with your partner, like, chill on the couch. Like, it's some of our happiest moments, but we have to be so intentional about, like, no.

Like, we are going to see a friend tonight. Like, we're going to see a movie. We're going, we're venturing up. Because it'll creep up on you. If you don't do it, then all of a sudden you'll wake up. You'll be like, oh, I feel really isolated. And you're like, oh, I haven't been doing the things because it's cozy was. I'm happy that was your answer, Cal.

Because earlier you were saying that, you know, you finally have someone now who constantly gives you, you know, affirmations and stuff and I was going to ask you if those affirmations went away would you still love you you know like would you be okay without that if it went away well you know that's why I just started therapy again hell yeah yeah but you you know you know you know you know I think that there's not a better thing I could say right now than that you know love yourself we're going to come back on this podcast and two years keels can go two years ago you told me Therapy, in fact.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Wow, thank you guys so much. This has been a really, really excellent episode of the pod. I cannot believe I got such an esteemed panel of relationship experts. Wow. I mean, everybody should be so grateful to be listening. But Alyssa, where can the people find you?

What are you doing these days? Okay, these days, yes. You can see me on Hax. Keep watching Hax. It's their final season, and it's amazing and so funny. And I am doing a play. in the Hollywood Fringe that you can come see. There's five show dates.

I'm not sure of them off the top of my head. But follow me out of Lissa Limpid. You can see it. It's a beautiful play about relationships. Whoa. Whoa. What a good club. Check it out.

No way. It's called Cell. And theater in L.A. You don't see it enough? You really don't. You really don't. It's an hour, just dramatic play to people. Wow.

So you've got to come see it. I'm going to check it out. I'll be there too. I love that. Evan? You can just find me at It's Evan Williams on all the socials, you know, making goofy things. It's true.

We just made something together. What's that? We just made something together. We did just make something together. And I was like busy that day. Well, yeah. I was going to pull up. I have you in a pitch doc.

I want you in this thing. He was talking about it before you did. Oh my gosh. When I was late, I was running late. Bring up. So making some stuff and we'll be like talking about what that is on those platforms. You can just follow me. Kel Kripe, where can the people find you?

What are you doing these days? I'm Kel Kripe online also on the socials. I'm also doing a play in the Hollywood Friends. Stop! Shut up! That is also being directed by Mitra. Your Hari. Yes, it's like very kind of like vulnerable one-person show connecting myself to my past memories,

especially as like a trans person and when you look so different in your pictures and how do you like hold on to the positive, well, looking not like how you want to look. But also very fun and silly. I think the title is called The Magic Computer. You're going to tell your mom and your mom's going to be like, no. Yeah, no, no, no, that's not it.

That's not it. And then I've got a YouTube where I've got a show I'm starting with my buddy called What the Ruck, where I'd love to ruck with all of you. It's walking with a weighted vest with pals. Hell yeah. Oh, nice. Nice.

So I think that's all my plugs. Love, love, love, love, love. Thank you guys so much for being so real raw and honest with me today. I cannot imagine a better group of people to discuss this particular topic with. If you guys liked what you heard today, please give us a rating and review wherever you're listening to this. Five stars only. Or if you like what you read. If you have a critique, I'm only read the five stars.

So if you want it to be seen, make it five stars. And then I will address it live on the air. That's been the podcast, you guys. Thank you so much for listening. Have a great rest of your day wherever you are. Bye-bye.