Bad Dates with Jameela Jamil - Prime Ho Days (w/ Amy Miller, Phoebe Robinson, and Sam Richardson)

Episode Date: November 6, 2023

On this episode of Bad Dates, Jameela welcomes comedians Amy Miller, Phoebe Robinson, and Sam Richardson to discuss their most iconic dating fiascos. Amy’s date is a walking red flag who wa...nts the weight of the world on his shoulders, Phoebe receives unsolicited career advice, and Sam loses it in the front seat. If you’ve had a bad date you’d like to tell us about, our number is 984-265-3283, and our email is baddatespod@gmail.com, we can’t wait to hear all about it.Amy Miller: @amymillercomedy on social media, https://www.amymillercomedy.com/Phoebe Robinson: @dopequeenpheebs on social media, https://www.phoeberobinson.com/Sam Richardson: @thesamrichardson on social mediaSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Transcript
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Starting point is 00:00:00 Even wearing my profile was like a nightmare because I'm like, well, I'm not trying to be like, oh, I'm a DJ and I'm like This but most of like I don't take it too seriously, but I do take it seriously. I'm finding this all very charming Yeah, this is so cute Everyone's turned on some well done everyone's drenched Everyone is sliding out of their chair. I'm sliding where the pants I'm just sitting on top of a bucket It is six flags amusement park I'm quite in where the pants. I'm just sitting on top of a bucket. It is six flags of amusement park.
Starting point is 00:00:27 It actually is actually harassing Sam now. Sam, I feel you. Bad dates. Sam, Phoebe, Amy, hello. you're also funny. I'm so happy that you're here. I'm so excited to learn all about your genitals. What? But you don't. That just popped right out. I don't know where that came. I've said that. That's exactly why I'm here. Yeah. I mean, I didn't wear pants, so I'm technically prepared, but that's great. Thank you so much for reading the instructions properly, Amy. Okay, guys, this is a podcast about our city's dating moments.
Starting point is 00:01:15 I'm dying to get into your stories, but before I do, I just want to know how each of you feel about the world of dating. So Sam, I'm going to start with you. How do you feel about dating? Do you enjoy it? Are you good at it? Do you feel like the world of dating. So Sam, I'm gonna start with you. How do you feel about dating? Do you enjoy it? Are you good at it? Do you feel like they have a nice time? I'm not in the world of dating anymore.
Starting point is 00:01:34 And I was very uncomfortable in it. It's not true. I have to, I have to, I loved it half the time. I just like didn't like, I didn't like the new part dating. Like once you're in it, then it was like, it was great. But like, I get really nervous and like, you know, I build things up too much and I try and like do math too much.
Starting point is 00:01:54 And so it was always. What kind of math? This like, trying to plan out like, oh, if I say this, then that leads to four different possibilities of this going on. But if I said that, did I close this door to that, or did I make this statement that I don't fully believe because I was like, it's like I do too much.
Starting point is 00:02:14 Oh, you live in your head. A beautiful mind. I live in my head. That's more stressful than like that. That's like hearing about the Jimmy Fallon pre-interview before you go on, like you can play by play. Everything. That's so nice.
Starting point is 00:02:27 It's really, truly. But I think that's a deeply, deeply relatable answer. And I think that, like, that's something that we all do where we tailor, we slightly kind of get a rough vibe from someone's Instagram as to what they're like. And we can't help but sociopathically tailor ourselves slightly to what they might be more interested in because really, we're just used car salesmen
Starting point is 00:02:46 At the start of every interaction with people just like no the mileage is fantastic Yeah, no never has any problems and then slowly we like that smell is actually really good Phoebe how do you feel about the world of dating? I mean, I feel like we went on a dinner date last night and I was ready to go home with you. I think at one point, I even offered to sleep with you. No, I hate that time. But last night we went out for dinner
Starting point is 00:03:17 and I feel like that felt kind of like a date, not to get too much in my head. And I mean, I would love to date you. I think you're very, very datable. Do you enjoy dating? Because I feel like you'd be a great fucking date. You know, I'm becoming less of a hopeless romantic because I think I was too, like, you know, stars and eyes.
Starting point is 00:03:36 And, you know, I'm me the guy that I think is hit by movies. Yeah, and I'm like, okay, let's like look up our compatibility based on our likes and zodiac signs. Like I was doing all that groupie shit. But I think now that I am 38 and I'm single, I know really what I want. I think for real. So definitely want someone older. The issue is, guys, my age are not really sort of dazzled by me, but like, they're like eight-year-olds.
Starting point is 00:04:06 The 50, no, no, the fifth, I will say the fifth, like the late 40s to like early 60s, completely charmed by me. It's so ridiculous. Like, I feel like I'm big with geriatrics. I feel like that's where it's just like, they're not looking for sex appeal anymore. You know what I mean? They've got low tea. They just want to spend a nice cup of tea with someone I feel like that's that's my vibe so yeah
Starting point is 00:04:31 If I ever become single again, and if you meet someone 20 years older than me if you could set me up with his dad That would be fantastic Also, mum. I'll take a mum. Love a mum. Mums. Yeah, love me Amy Hello, hi love a mom, mom's love me. Amy, hello. Hi. Hi. I'm so happy to be me to you. So tell me, tell me how you feel about the world of dating.
Starting point is 00:04:52 Are you in it currently? You know, I'm not and by accident. And I'm kind of pissed off because I tried. So I don't miss it when I'm not in it. But I also like, I do find it interesting when I'm not in it, but I also like, I do find it interesting when I'm doing it like hilarious. It's just like such a ridiculous experience all the time. You're just, you just meet people that are like a cliche
Starting point is 00:05:15 of a bad man and you're just like laugh in their face because you're like, do you even hear yourself? Like, but I try, I was in a long relationship and then I was only single for about a year and a half. And then I went on Tinder just to fuck, and then now I have a boyfriend, and he's the best, and I hate it. And I have the opposite problem, by the way.
Starting point is 00:05:36 I don't think Geriatric's are interested in me for romance. I do get much younger man, which he is 11 years younger than me. Okay, I'm really glad you said 11 years younger than me. I thought for a Oh, I'm a little bit younger than me. Okay, I'm really glad you said 11 years younger than me. Because I thought for a minute I was like, he's 11. He's going to be 12 soon, so I feel like it's on the side.
Starting point is 00:05:54 Yeah, yeah, yeah. 11 and a half. If Dane Cook can do it, we'll announce our relationship in nine years. Ah. But I, because he's at the lowest age that I set for hooking up, you know what I mean? And I wouldn't have necessarily chosen to date that young,
Starting point is 00:06:11 but it just wasn't. Oh, what is it? I feel like the only way he found you, Amy, is if you put your age range down to that number. So, I mean, you need to calm down. We both had in our profiles not looking for anything serious, and then immediately became serious.
Starting point is 00:06:27 Yeah. And he is wonderful. We'll probably get married. It's sick. I hate the whole thing. I was going to like be a slut again for a while. James. James, who's my current boyfriend, who I've been with for eight and a half years, was my
Starting point is 00:06:40 rebound shack. Right. From the relationship. I'm absolutely like, I keep, we keep discussing the fact that we're both still each other's rebound. It's just a very long rebounded situation. Yes, and I think if we never get married, we can always be each other's rebound, which I find personally spicy. It's very spicy. I love that. I'm Rob Briden and welcome to my podcast, Briden and we are now in our third series. Among those still to come is some Michael Pailin, the comedy duo Egg and Robbie Williams.
Starting point is 00:07:20 The list goes on, so do sit back and enjoy. Bride and And, on Amazon Music, Wondery Plus, or wherever, you get your podcasts. Everyone leaves the legacy. I like Mr Gorbachev. We can do business together. For some, the shadow falls across decades, even centuries. It is unacceptable to have figures like roads glorified. But it also changes.
Starting point is 00:07:53 Reputations are reexamined by new generations who may not like what they find. Picasso is undeniably a genius, but also a less than perfect human. From Wundery and Goldhanger podcasts, I'm Afwahersh. I'm Peter Frankapan. And this is Legacy. A brand new show exploring the lives of some of the biggest characters in history. To find out what their past tells us about our present. Nina Simone was constantly told to sit down and shut up.
Starting point is 00:08:23 You're the angry black woman. The name of Napoleon still rings out and the pattern of the guides will thrive on the tourist trade. Search and follow legacy to listen to the full trailer. Amy, then I want to get into your story. It's called vodka water. Yes. Can you tell me what? Well, most of my bad dating stories take place in the same time period when I fucked up really bad and accidentally lived in Portland, Oregon for three years.
Starting point is 00:09:03 Whoops. up really bad and accidentally lived in Portland, Oregon for three years. Whoops. Um, yeah, don't recommend it. Not whatever. They'll come for me. They always come for me, but it's always people that also moved to Portland 10 years ago. So like, I don't care. Um, it's a beautiful city, but you should visit it and then go back to another place.
Starting point is 00:09:21 Um, but it's just like, because I was doing updating, and it is this brand of like very, I don't know, Phoebe, you've spent a little time in the Pacific Northwest. It's like very like just soggy white men, like just yes. Like English men. Yeah. Maybe so. No, because it is the weather, right? The weather sort of soaks through your sort of charisma sometimes. So English people, not just English man. I've got it. It is similarly white in a way that like they don't even have juice. You know what I mean? Like that's, that's troublesome. Every time I go there, every lawn has like a black lives matter, like little laying year or whatever. I'm like, every lawn has a black lives matter,
Starting point is 00:10:05 like little lanyard or whatever. I'm like, there's no black people in this neighborhood. It's purely theoretical. It's just a theory. Yeah. Exactly. This will touch your hair because they have the sign. Exactly.
Starting point is 00:10:17 It's because they love it so much. That's beautiful. Oh my god. Okay. Thank you for setting the scene. I feel like I can, I feel like I get it now. Like, and a lot of men who would like only date like a plus size woman in secret, and they were just like, I want to like see you all the time and talk to you every day and have sex with you. But
Starting point is 00:10:36 can't, you can't be my public girlfriend. Oh, good god. That kind of thing. I'm like, oh, the other guy's in your bike gang. Gonna find out. You, it's a bicycle gang. Just to be clear, it's an autism, like, an old antique bicycle gang. I'm like, you have nothing. I just happen to be plus sized, but killing it. Anyway. So, I went on the apps and just, I responded to this guy because he had a very direct approach.
Starting point is 00:11:09 Like he seemed cute and normal and he literally was just like, Hey, you're hot. Like can I take you on a date? Which is like good, you know, it's like right out front, but not creepy. And it's like, you know what? I agree. I am hot. I forgot. Yeah. And this horrible fucking place.
Starting point is 00:11:26 A fake good people. Yeah. So we, at first, meet, you know, in a neutral place for a drink, of course, because got to make sure if we're going to a second location, then he's not scary. So we meet up and I was a little bit put off by his drink order, which was vodka water. I was like, okay, wild. So you like want to get drunk as fast as possible. Yeah, he's a murderer. Yes. So you can just down it. I find to get as drunk as possible as quick as you can. Right. Superfessional alcohol. Oh, yeah. Now some, some actually lit up like a crime.
Starting point is 00:12:03 Oh, not about this. Yeah, yeah, no, Sam's actually lit up like a car. Oh, not about this. Yeah, yeah. You know that butt is rushing for water. So in Russia, that's a water water. Oh, God, so a room temp water down vodka. Okay, yeah, red light. Mm-hmm. Go on.
Starting point is 00:12:18 But, you know, we chat, we hang out. And I'm like, he seems safe enough to go to a second location. We were going to go to a movie, which also I would never do on a date now. That's like psychotic young people shit. Like getting yourself into an automatic two hour affair is not a good idea. But we get into his truck to drive to the movies. He reaches behind my seat and pulls out a full bottle of vodka
Starting point is 00:12:42 that his car vodka. No. Please prepare. He's just a voice tone. No water this time. Yeah, he's prepared. So he's just like slamming this bottle of smear and off while driving to the movie. He's like, okay, red flag.
Starting point is 00:13:00 Red flag. What movie did you guys go to? What movie? We were going to see back to the future. That's a great date movie. Yeah, and like this old like art house theater, it's Portland. Of course, we were going to see back to the future on a Tuesday night. Yeah, 100%.
Starting point is 00:13:15 Went to the movie. It was fine. We did some handholding. I did feel attracted to him, but the whole time I was like, something is off. But at that point, I'm like, I think it could have been a rampant drink driving or something else. Yeah. That's like the bar is so low in Portland, like it's in hell that I was like, well, that's normal for here. Having a car vodka fine. I just hope nothing else comes up of concern.
Starting point is 00:13:45 But I do feel, I think I'm also just attracted to him because he's being like direct and kind of forward but not in a scary way and just being like, you're cute and funny. It's like how hard is that shit to say it loud? So I do end up taking him back to my home. Of course, these were like prime holidays too. So it was just like, whatever,
Starting point is 00:14:10 if you're not going to kill me, like let's do it. But I didn't want to have all the way sex. So because I still have that just like, something's off. Does that mean just the tip or is that oral? And the strangest blowjob I've ever given in my life because he requested to be standing on the bed with his hands on the ceiling. No, first day.
Starting point is 00:14:35 First day. And why with his hands on the ceiling? It's just what he wanted to do. He wanted to have his hands on the ceiling because he wanted to feel like he was holding the house up while he was getting below. It's a real power. So it's end. I mean, it's like an incredible hope,
Starting point is 00:14:55 load ups. But listen, I, in my former life, yeah, I was here to please men and I was like, I like shit that I've never seen before. That's funny. It wasn't a bad time, but I specifically was like, I'm not having all the way sex with this man because something is deeply wrong with him, but he is kind of hogged to me still. And then we're just kind of hanging out after the he-man blow jobs finish.
Starting point is 00:15:25 And he had his arms up the whole time. I'm actually impressed by that upper body strength because that's like... Maybe he's not actually holding the house up. No, we had a roof. No, but to hold your arms over your head for like 10 minutes, right? Yeah, that's true. That's why I didn't hold my hair anymore.
Starting point is 00:15:43 I can't, I can't keep my arms up. I think he had done it before and maybe he was, you know. Yeah, those muscles were built. He had practice. Yeah. Oh yeah, what are those side ones? Oh, bleak straps. Is that what it's called?
Starting point is 00:15:56 Oh bleaks, yeah. His traps and obliques were firm. He's held up many chubby women's homes before. But, ah. Ah. He's held up many chubby women's homes before. But then we're just kind of like watching TV and he wants to talk about comedy, which I'm like, oh, good, can't wait for this. Always the worst, as Phoebe knows, there's always some like,
Starting point is 00:16:19 I've been thinking about, I'm pretty funny, I'm gonna get into it too. So I was waiting for that, but he didn't, that's not where he went. He wanted to talk about Louis CK. And no. Yeah, he was like, oh, I think he's so great. And then he just out of nowhere, he was like, what do you think about him saying the N word? And I was like, not good.
Starting point is 00:16:40 I don't know. What if I was like, I love it. They're good. What if I was like I love it. She said, we only wipe her some on this. No, I love it. I love being trapped. So I'm like, I think it sucks. I think he doesn't, he shouldn't. You know, she thought all of the correct things that someone is supposed to think
Starting point is 00:17:26 Yeah, so far so good So I need to keep telling us your answer He wasn't hearing me though that was the thing he was pushing back and was just you know started into this this really fun like What about free speech thing and And then he was like I think anyone should be allowed to say it in their comedy. But then he says it. He just says the word hard-r.
Starting point is 00:17:51 And I was like, oh, you can't say that in my house. So you have to leave now. And he was like, are you fucking serious? And I was like, oh, yeah, you have to leave. We did the weird blowjob already. Like, we're done. The way how's your your ceiling gonna stay up? Ladies.
Starting point is 00:18:06 Ah. Ah. With residual racism. Yeah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah.
Starting point is 00:18:15 It was being held up by my white guilt. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Heavy. Ah.
Starting point is 00:18:24 Ah. So I'm like, yeah, you just have to leave. And he then starts to jump around the room in a little dance, just saying the N word over and over and over with our songs. Oh, that is the most Portland shit I have ever heard in my life. Wow. I bet you'll have to sign outside this. Oh, yeah, absolutely. It's on his window.
Starting point is 00:18:51 100 fucking percent. Ah, ah, ah. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Because this is an organ native. And those are the scariest ones. Ah, ah, ah.
Starting point is 00:19:01 And they're in that dangerous situation of thinking that they're better than other Americans. So yeah, and the dance is like hilarious because you're a full grown man half dressed, like just in boxers, like doing like a cartoon dance around me. And like we have the fire going out of fireplace at the time, it was a nice life up there.
Starting point is 00:19:23 Um. And I'm like, you have to leave. I'm going to like get my neighbor down here. I'm going to call the cops something like, because now I'm afraid, because he's a psycho. And he, he finally, but before he puts on his clothes and he goes to leave. Oh my God, he did this naked, guys.
Starting point is 00:19:43 He did this naked. Yes. Go on. Just he did this naked, guys. He did this naked. Yes. Go on. Just your standard naked and your dance. But before he leaves, he goes into my fridge and takes several items from my fridge, like a six pack of beer and some cheese. Like he does a little shop. Mm-hmm. This is one of the most unhinged things I've ever heard.
Starting point is 00:20:10 Like he's getting his money's worth. Yeah, and it was all like in defense of comedy somehow, which is my favorite thing. Oh yeah, I hope his career's going really well. I'm sure he's killing it. Wherever he is. Did he ever get into it? No, no, he's for sure dead by now, you guys.
Starting point is 00:20:26 Come on. Yeah, but yeah. I'm not talking smart. He's not dead, he's in jail from four DUIs. He's at least had one nice final meal straight from Amy's Ridge. That story was fucking insane. I can't.
Starting point is 00:20:41 Oh my god. What is the lesson from that? Just listen to your instincts. Clearly this was boiling below the surface the whole time. And then a couple of vodka waters later, you know, he just literally couldn't keep it inside his body. He had to say it as many times as possible. I actually was going to say it today if you guys weren't here, but because that's the producer told me I had to. She said that's what Jimmy listened to on her podcast, but just out of respect. Amy, I did not put this whole costume thing in there. That story was fucking phenomenal and I'm very sorry you had to go through that and no wonder you are dating children now. I completely understand you have my full support and solidarity.
Starting point is 00:21:33 Thank you. We'll be right back. Bad days! At least as a journalist, that's what I've always believed. Sure, odd things happened in my childhood bedroom. But ultimately, I shrugged it all off. That is, until a couple of years ago, when I discovered that every subsequent occupant of that house is convinced they've experienced something inexplicable too, including the most recent inhabitant who says she was visited at night by the ghost of a faceless woman. And it gets even stranger.
Starting point is 00:22:03 It just so happens that the alleged ghost haunting my childhood room might just be my wife's great-grandmother. It was murdered in the house next door by two gunshots to the face. From wandering in Pineapple Street Studios comes ghost story, a podcast about family secrets, overwhelming coincidence, and the things that come back to haunt us. Follow ghost story on the wandering app app wherever you get your podcasts. You can binge all episodes at free right now by joining Wondry Plus. And we're back. So Phoebe, your story is called not all teachers are heroes and I'm dying to hear and I'm sure
Starting point is 00:22:47 so are all of the teachers. Okay I just want to say I'm not crying it's just that my allergies are so good. I'm sorry. Yeah this was when I was back on the streets and so I met this guy, I lived in Philly, which is that a red flag? Yeah, I think so. I have a vibe. I don't know. I mean, I feel like Quinter,
Starting point is 00:23:13 for instance, on a very good job at making Philly look fan fucking Catholic. That's true. But this was this was pre-quinter, you know what I mean? Okay. This is pre-ab-ab-ab-ab-ab-ab-ab-ab-ab-ab-ab-ab-ab-ab-ab-ab-ab-ab-ab-ab-ab-ab-ab-ab-ab-ab-ab-ab-ab-ab-ab-ab-ab-ab-ab-ab-ab-ab-ab-ab-ab-ab-ab-ab-ab-ab-ab-ab-ab-ab-ab-ab-ab-ab-ab-ab-ab-ab-ab-ab-ab-ab-ab-ab-ab-ab-ab-ab-ab-ab-ab-ab-ab-ab-ab-ab-ab-ab-ab-ab-ab-ab-ab-ab-ab-ab-ab-ab-ab-ab-ab-ab-ab-ab-ab-ab-ab-ab-ab-ab-ab-ab-ab-ab-ab-ab-ab-ab-ab-ab-ab-ab-ab-ab-ab-ab-ab-ab-ab-ab-ab-ab-ab-ab-ab-ab-ab-ab-ab-ab-ab-ab-ab-ab-ab-ab-ab-ab-ab-ab-ab-ab-ab-ab-ab-ab-ab-ab-ab-ab-ab-ab-ab-ab-ab-ab-ab-ab-ab-ab-ab-ab-ab-ab-ab-ab-ab-ab-ab-ab-ab-ab-ab-ab-ab-ab-ab-ab-ab-ab-ab-ab-ab-ab-ab-ab-ab-ab-ab-ab-ab-ab-ab-ab-ab-ab-ab-ab-ab-ab-ab-ab-ab-ab-ab-ab-ab-ab-ab-ab-ab-ab-ab like Philly. So, you know, in comedy for probably six, seven years at this point, when I first started doing stand-up, I was sort of dating comics like on my level. And it was just like, why am I dating comics? So just be like these relationships that were physical after two or three months.
Starting point is 00:23:59 So I was like, oh my god, he's a teacher. This is like such a step in the right direction. So we had been like, this is back when people were using G chat. I feel so fucking ancient. I'm wasting you. G chat is the pigeon carrier of all. It is, but we would like G chat all the time.
Starting point is 00:24:19 And it was like so nice. It would like be the bright part of like my day. And it was like so fun, adorable. And then we started talking on the phone, and it was just really nice. And then we decided to meet up in person, and go on a date with Manhattan. I had my finest cute outfit from H&M.
Starting point is 00:24:42 I really had no money, but I was trying to look cute. And dinner was nice, but there was kind of like, you know, I think those moments when, especially if you're a straight woman who's going to date with a guy where he just wants to present himself as like an authority. And you're like, I didn't ask for this. In what way? You know, you know what she should do? You should try SNL. Oh, that's a good idea.
Starting point is 00:25:11 And I was like, that is so, I had never thought of that. She's like someone's grandma. Yeah, why aren't your grandparents say? Bucking G chat more Michaels and see if I can get on their shitty fucking Contracts for 13 weeks. Thank you so much for that Yeah You see he saw the outside story
Starting point is 00:25:39 You know what you need to do And you're like I actually know too much. Yeah, he was just like trying to guide me in the right direction. Um, which at the time, that's when I should have left. But I was like, no, like we're really hanging off and we're having a good time. And I think that's okay. Um, so then we go back to, to my apartment, um, and I live alone. I was very excited. It's my first time ever living alone.
Starting point is 00:26:07 So I put on the timeless, classic romantic film, wedding crashes. He's like, he's like, see that the movie. So watch the movie. We're laughing. It's like, it's good. Like it's such a good fun vibe. You know, start to get a little bit more of a sense of the story. I'm not going to say that.
Starting point is 00:26:32 I'm not going to say that. I'm not going to say that. I'm not going to say that. I'm not going to say that. I'm not going to say that. I'm not going to say that. I'm not going to say that. I'm not going to say that.
Starting point is 00:26:40 I'm not going to say that. I'm not going to say that. I'm not going to say that. I'm not going to say that. I'm not going to say that. I'm not going to say that. I'm not going to say that. I'm not going to say that. It's like, it's good. It's such a good, fun vibe. You know, we started making out blah, blah, blah. So we have sex. And it was great. It's fine. You know, like it was good. And then afterwards, we're just hanging out chatting. And he was like, you know, there are some exercises you can do to tone up your thigh.
Starting point is 00:27:05 Hey, Gorumba! Oh my God! I like to watch Sam slowly just go like, I might be the best man in the world. Yeah. You are. You are just going to glow now, Sam. No, you haven't heard my story yet, so. This was just like apropos of nothing.
Starting point is 00:27:33 So apropos, the most apropos of nothing and the history of apropos of nothing. And so he like jumps out of bed like throws on a pair of boxers and he starts demonstrating the exercises. Why is everyone so much? Like truly doing lunges, side lunges, fucking sumo squad. He's trying ceiling hand. I try ceiling hand. It's easy. It's actually. Well, I'm papote.
Starting point is 00:28:05 Yeah. And like at that point, I'm literally like, lonely outside of my body. And like, you could be fucking bitch. My angelou didn't do all this work for you to be going through this. Like, go, fucking, I was so shocked because I was just like, that's not a thing like anyone would ever do.
Starting point is 00:28:28 You go like the sex was good, like you fucking ended. Like why are you like unduming that? And so I was just like so confused. I was like, this is someone saying, you can see Simon Campbell at the end of your audition. This isn't the same. Except he already sent you to Hollywood. And now he's like, I can't wait. This isn't the same. Except he already sent you to Hollywood.
Starting point is 00:28:45 And now he's like, I can't wait. Yeah, that is traditionally when Simon starts the eating source in the people's business. Men are just, for whatever reason, they just have the confidence to think that no matter what size a woman is at, it's never good enough. So there's never any sort of like, you can't win, you know? I mean, I think he sounds like a specific breed of prick. Yes.
Starting point is 00:29:17 I mean, because Sam's not doing like, I would never say that to you, Phoebe, I think you're thighs are fantastic. So I'm really good guys. I'm like, every thigh is a perfect thigh. Exactly. When he was hard, when he was between them, so fuck off. Exactly. Yeah. And so I just let him come back into bed and then be like, went to sleep. And then the next morning, I was like, oh, I got some stuff to do. So you should go.
Starting point is 00:29:42 But it was just such a thing. I wish I could not go back to that time because I don't want to do so you should go, but it was just such a thing like I wish I could like not go back to that time because I don't want to go back to that time, but I really... Did you lie awake thinking of like all the different exercises you could have recommended to him to try to like lengthen his dick or something? Yeah, I've felt his mouth. Just sent him like sent him a bunch of like devices that could be used just from from the east where they make the stuff. You're awake?
Starting point is 00:30:04 It's like a bunch of little penis balls, you know? Yeah, yeah exactly. just from from the east where they make the most of the past as long as Venus while Venus. Yeah exactly. Just be like, you know, there are operations to be you know, that sort of thing. I think that would I mean I would lie awake all night paralyzed with all the things that I wish I said in that moment but I completely understand the shock. I've
Starting point is 00:30:23 had a comment like that before and it totally stunned. It's amazing how many women I know have received comments like that, especially post-coital where it's just like, okay, I understand that you're relaxed because you've just come, but like, there's a roll at back a few. Let's just dial that with that statement back to the point where if I need to hear after born,
Starting point is 00:30:42 you're a fucking head, yeah. I know that liking men is like my biggest character flaw. I'm like, this is just horrific. It's just like, you know what I mean? Like, it's a mental illness. I have frequently feel that. Yes, yeah. So how did you end it with this son of a bitch?
Starting point is 00:30:57 So he loved town and then we chatted on Vchat again. And I just told him I was like, you hurt chatted on D chat again. And I just told him I was like, you hurt my feelings. Like that wasn't nice. And he was like, Oh, I was just trying to be helpful. And I was like, I didn't ask for your help. What are you, you fucking Mr. Rogers, a fucking, you know, die.
Starting point is 00:31:18 He was trying to get you the body that would help you go on as an L. Okay, your manager, that's his. He was getting you that illustrated cover because he thinks that you can just call up the editor of sports. So the stress is obviously, have you popped up the G chat? No, no, no, no, no, no. Let me do it now.
Starting point is 00:31:38 Because I know they're like all in your Gmail, right? Yeah, I never do it my, what's his name? I want to see the text. I think it would be, I think it's just, it's his name, I think. I remember, I can't remember his middle name though, I'm so sorry. It's my kid in fucking stupid F gun. It's infuriating. They know how to get us when we're young enough to not rage.
Starting point is 00:32:07 That's why we're all so mad at this point. It's your fault. Sorry about that, guys. That's why you want to date 21 year olds because we're a little salty. At least now this podcast episode has been as awkward for Saturday. Yeah, a bit too any. So, I'm ready. We just need to make it be uncomfortable and then we have a perfect... Yeah, there's a fantastic show now! We'll be right back.
Starting point is 00:32:30 Bad beats! What a life these celebrities lead. Imagine walking the red carpet, the cameras in your face, the designer clothes, the worst dress list, big house, the world constantly peering in, the bursting bank account, the people trying to get the grobby mitts on it. What's he all about? I'm just saying, being really, really famous. It's not always easy.
Starting point is 00:32:55 I'm Emily Lloyd-Saini and I'm Anneli Young-Rofi. And we're the hosts of Terribly Famous from Wondery, the podcast which tells the stories of our favourite celebrities from their perspective. Each season we show you what it's really like being famous by taking you inside the life of a British icon. We walk you through their glittering highs and eyebrow raising lows and ask, is fame and fortune really worth it? Follow terribly famous now wherever you get your podcasts or listen early and ad-free on Wondery Plus on Apple Podcasts or the Wondery app. Hello, I'm Hannah and I'm Seruti and we are the hosts of a Redhanded a weekly true crime podcast.
Starting point is 00:33:39 Every week on Redhanded we get stuck into the most talked about cases. But we also dig into those you might not have heard of. Like the Nephiles Royal Massacre and the Nithory Child Sacrifices. Whatever the case, we want to know what pushes people to the extremes of human behavior. Find, download, and binge Red Handed wherever you listen to your podcasts. And we're back. All right, Sam, I'm dying to hear your story. Your story is called Young Sam's, Miss Adventure. Yeah, sorry about being a man, you guys. It's, it's her monetary.
Starting point is 00:34:23 I went to an all boys high school. It's called U of D Jesuit. And so all boys, so you know, I wasn't prepared I went to an all boys high school school at U of D. Jesuit I was all boys, so you know I wasn't prepared to go to an all boys school so you know You'd like kind of interact with with girls from the sister schools and so you know in chat groups and all those sort of things on AOL I am. I started talking to this girl and like we just like hit it off.
Starting point is 00:34:49 I was like 15, you know, she's like, oh, fun, fun, fun. And then like as horned up 15 year olds, we get it was like, okay, we got, we got to have sex with each other. This is going to be it. We're going to be each other's first. And this is at 15 and like we just like talking about it so much. Our parents met each other. Like we went through the whole thing
Starting point is 00:35:06 and like they kind of like knew it was like very, it was like, okay, these guys are clearly horned up. But like we just at least want to know who each other is talking to, you know what I mean? And it's like. And it's like, And it's like, Hold your parents up off the sex?
Starting point is 00:35:18 No, we were in time at the sex, but it was like very obvious, you know? Like, I mean, this girl is like, we got, you know, like let's go through all the channels, please. So I'm just standing there 15 years old with an erection that the pair are waiting. Let's get this over with, dad. This is the best way I can see how.
Starting point is 00:35:39 So I turned 16 year 2000. We all made it through Y2K and I had my birthday's January 12th. I got my driver's license and the first thing I did, it went and picked my girlfriend. I'm like, all right, here we go. All right, well, what can't do to your house? Can't do it in my house. So then we like drove around Metro Detroit,
Starting point is 00:35:58 like looking for like, well, maybe a friend's house. Okay, well, maybe a hotel. Okay, we're 16 maybe a hotel, okay? We're 16, so like there's no where we can go. And we drive, oh, it's so saddening embarrassing. We drive out to Oakland, and we go to Oakland Mall in the middle of the day, and we are in the parking lot, outside,
Starting point is 00:36:24 bright day in the parking lot. And we're just like, okay, this is the place, this is the time. So we did it in my dad's Saturn, in the front seat with the seat pulled back. And it was not fun for either of us. It was very much, ah, well, there you go. Like both of us, like, very disappointed, but like, very, like, accomplished as well. How do you remember how long it lasted?
Starting point is 00:36:51 Yeah, it was about 10, it was like, like, you know, me five, five, five, just to 10 minutes of, of just like, pure panic, you know. Yeah, a friend of mine came on his way to the vagina for his virginity last year, and then just sort of come in his hand and then just say, oh, I think I just wanna cuddle.
Starting point is 00:37:17 I'm just cuddle, I'm not ready yet, and then finally wait until he had the urge to go again. I mean, it's a fucking, but it didn't he such fucking nightmare. Wow. It really is. And like the idea of getting rid of it was like, we have to, you know,
Starting point is 00:37:30 and so we did. And so that was the first go, which is like a truly nightmare. Nobody wants their kids to like have that experience is their first. Were there people like walking around the car? We were lucky that nobody walked by the car. That was also like part of the terror, you know, is it?
Starting point is 00:37:48 It was like jail. Uh, but, you know, yeah, you get arrested for looking through the window if you were an adult. Exactly. Catch it. It was like on the streets going on in there. Oh, it's two kids fucking outside. I'm being arrested, great.
Starting point is 00:38:05 This reminded me of the guy that I lost my virginity to. He would just get very, very excited and felt like he wasn't lasting long enough. So I realized that the reason he was asking for us to listen to the radio specifically, rather than ever having sex and silence, is because he was using the amount of songs to count roughly how long he'd been fucking full. So as soon as he'd come, he'd be like, three songs. No!
Starting point is 00:38:34 It's my house! First! Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God! I know it was a real way of people. But it was a pop punk album, so it was only three minutes. Like three can draw remote songs.
Starting point is 00:38:48 It was the stroke's first album, yeah. Oh, yeah. But so with the same growth, so we like dated, we were boyfriend, girlfriend. We were having a good time. We're having a good time. We're having a good time. We're having a good time. We're having a good time. We're having a good time. We're having a good time. We're having I mean? Like a sweet pop of the ear. My ear works.
Starting point is 00:39:05 Oh, it's kind of. Did you ever go into them all? No, we didn't have to. Wow. Nothing at Clair's for the lady. No manners. Yes, I'm a guard, that was popcorn. That's Chicago.
Starting point is 00:39:19 But so we dated after that. And so, you know, we've done it a few more times. And so later that year, I lived done a few more times. And so, later that year, I lived in a pretty big house in Detroit. And so, like, I got the third floor of my house was like an attic. So, I converted into an apartment, you know. So, it had two rooms with an adjoining hallway in a bathroom. And so, in each room, one room was like my bedroom. Well, I have like a futon and a desk and my computer. The other room I had TV and a DVD player and a futon in there too. So I had two futons and like each one was like a living room futon was a bedroom futon.
Starting point is 00:39:53 So we're having sex on my futon upstairs in my bedroom and she's on top and we're having a good time and she starts to ejaculate. She squirts. And I'm like, and as a 16 year old, I say, what? Why the fuck are you pissing on my futon? I can soak my head, you said. I have no idea.
Starting point is 00:40:19 So I'm like, what are you doing? And she's like, I don't know. And I'm like, what's up? We stop. This is like, I don't know. And I'm like, what's up? We had stopped. This is like, we're really enjoying the humble brag of this time. I really enjoyed it. I was hoping that I was the sole winner of that.
Starting point is 00:40:33 Yeah, no. But like, we just stopped and she was so upset. And I was like, I was like, I was angry. Because I was like, I will cherish this futon that I got for like $100 at some place. And I'm like, to me, I thought she was upset like, I was angry because I was like, I will cherish this futon that I got for like $100 at some place. And I'm like, to me, I thought she was just like doing some weird, like just- You were just being panky. I had no idea what that meant, you know what I mean?
Starting point is 00:40:55 So she had to go to her doctor and say like, I started urinating in the middle of sex. And she was like, oh no, that's not what that was. But so I'm not sure that I can get this. It's like 30% of what it is, but yeah. It's not right there. If we look at the content of the mix, but yeah, so we didn't date much longer after that.
Starting point is 00:41:19 Because I'm sure it's a complex that I've instilled in this poor, knows who knows who is the one time going. Also, futons are literally for bodily fluids. Like it was already covered in your cum probably anyway, so like I don't know why you're such a secular. It's a great idea. It's a great room.
Starting point is 00:41:40 It's a great room. It's a great room. The bedroom one was for coming in all the pisses. That one was for watching Matrix on DVD. Oh, I'm sorry to hear about. I'm sorry to lay down. RIP, RIP to Sam's food on. But what a great way to get a bragging
Starting point is 00:41:57 to all the people listening, I salute you. That was smoother down than anyone I know. I wish he hadn't called it out like I just lived with it. He's nice and he makes you squirt. All right, before we go, I always like to pay tribute to our wonderful wonderful listeners who send in their stories. And this here is a short voicemail from a person called Stephanie. Hi, bad day. It's this is Stephanie. It's okay to use my name. A couple of years ago, I've been a friend of this guy who asked me out on a real date. We met at my house. I was going to drive
Starting point is 00:42:38 us to a restaurant. Anyway, as we're walking out, he asked me if I locked the door behind me. I told him I did. He said, no problem at which point the fucking guy walks to the side of my house. It takes a goddamn leak on my head to and somehow sketchwork. I want to hold a finger in each nostril and lots not rockets into the ground. He looks up at me and says, the old farmer's hanging. I told this guy had to cancel because I was coming down with a migraine. It just wasn't gonna work out. So he walks home. Honestly, the farmer's hanky was the death blow. Thanks for listening.
Starting point is 00:43:17 That's so short. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, Elite, Holly with your real class on me. All right, yeah. Braaaah! Ha ha ha ha ha! And we have all the farms out here. You know what's on your vegetables? That you eat your organic vegetables, cafe gratitude, all right? Oh, no. The farmer's not rocket. Someone squashed it on me. Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, Oh God, Stephanie. You know what? Stephanie is the only one of us who immediately followed her instincts.
Starting point is 00:44:10 We could all learn something from Stephanie. She cut her losses at the very beginning of the day and changed her mind and fucking went home. So shout out to you, Stephanie. We're going to go far in your life. All right, babe. Thank you. You're welcome. Thank you for sending in that life. All right, babe. Thank you.
Starting point is 00:44:25 You're welcome to have some. Good job, round of applause. Let me know if I should try out for SNL. I'm still on the fence. Any teachers out there with any Hollywood advice, please send it in. Send it specifically to Phoebe, not me, because she's dying for tips.
Starting point is 00:44:41 But guys, it's been such a pleasure to get to know you guys and hear these stories that have been so ridiculous. And I feel like we've only been like 50% hugely judgmental and confrontational, which is not bad, given the subject matter. But Amy, Sam, Phoebe, you're a fucking joy. And I've loved every second of this. Thank you.
Starting point is 00:45:04 Before I go, can you tell people where we can find you and your work? Sam? Ah, you can find me on Instagram, the Sam Richardson, who knows for how long on Twitter at Sam Richardson. And Phoebe? You can find me on social media at DobeQueenFeeds, P-H-E-E-B-S. I'm launching my Messier F tour. I'm going to be a London, a Lanta, Chicago, Seattle, Portland, DC, tons of fun places, Texas, or so out these theaters. I like money.
Starting point is 00:45:44 I am. Yeah. I'm going to be a little bit more DC, tons of fun places, Texas, or so out of these theaters, I like money. Amy? Yeah, just follow me on Instagram at Amy Miller Comedy. All my tour dates are at Amy Miller Comedy.com. I'll also be in some of those places, not with Phoebe separately. I'm not in Portland from the fancy things. Your band, your band, I will be in Portland twice in the next few months and Seattle and we heard it. Yeah guys. Get it. No, I took it from my show. I can't wait to come to your fucking show. You're hilarious. Tell me
Starting point is 00:46:20 how mad you are after you're inside the door with your money. Alright, I can't wait. And love you lots, guys. Thank you so much for coming. Thank you! MONEY TICK! Yay! Bad dates is produced by Smartless Media and Wondery, created by Robert Cohen. Executive producers are Robert Cohen and Jameena Jamil.
Starting point is 00:46:41 That's me, produced by Stuart Bailey, produced, engineered and edited by Devon Tori Bryant, also engineered and edited by Karl McGraw. Talent producer is Anne Harris. Associate producer is Maddie McCann, music by Kushy and Evan Schletter. Executive producers are Will Arnett, Jason Vaatman and Sean Hayes. Executive producers for Smartless Media,
Starting point is 00:47:02 are Richard Coulson and Bernie Kaminsky. If you've had a bad day and you'd like to tell us all about it, our number is 984-265-3283 and our email is baddatespod at gmail.com. We can't wait to hear all about it. That's all for this week, we will see you next time for more! more. You can listen to bad dates early and add free on Amazon Music. Download the Amazon Music app today, or you can listen early and add free with Wondery Plus in Apple podcasts. Before you go, tell us about yourself by completing a short survey at Wondery.com slash survey. Today, hip hop dominates pop culture, but it wasn't always like that.
Starting point is 00:48:01 And to tell the story of how that changed, I want to take you back to a very special year in rap. 88, it was too much good music. The world was on fire. I'm Will Smith. This is Class of 88, my new podcast about the moments, albums, and artists that inspired a sonic revolution. And Secured 1988 is one of hip-hop's most important years. We'll talk to the people who were there, and most of all, we'll bring you some amazing
Starting point is 00:48:31 stories. You know what my biggest memory from that tour is? It was your birthday. Yes, and you brought me to Shoday Life Size Hardware Cutout. This is Class of 88, the story of a year that changed hip hop. Listen to Class of 88 wherever you get your podcasts. You can binge the entire series right now on the Amazon Music app or audible.

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