Bad Dates with Jameela Jamil - Quarts, Shorts, and Exotic Ports (w/ Mae Martin, A.D. Miles, and Sabrina Jalees)

Episode Date: May 8, 2023

On this episode of Bad Dates, Jameela welcomes Mae Martin, (The Flight Attendant, Taskmaster), A.D. Miles (Wet Hot American Summer, Childrens Hospital) and Sabrina Jalees (Search Party, Carol’s Second Act) to discuss their most iconic dating fiascos. Mae tells us how their seven minutes in heaven went to hell, A.D. has a picnic that is anything but, and Sabrina gets an unwanted jungle escort. Plus, we play an amazing listener voice mail that’s high in Vitamin C, the wrong way. If you’ve had a bad date you’d like to tell us about, our number is 984-265-3283, and our email is [e-mail], we can’t wait to hear all about it.Mae Martin’s new comedy special SAP is streaming on Netflix now, as well as their comedy series Feel Good. Sabrina Jalees is featured in the new movie I Used To Be Funny, and the Netflix special The Comedy Lineup. She also hosts the podcast The Goodie Goodie with Sabrina Jalees.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Hello, Prime Members. You can listen to bad dates early and add free on Amazon music. Download the app today. As I've said before, I am a serial erection killer, so people, I give off no vibe. I am a very, it may have known me for 12 years, asexual vibe. Asexual vibe. I wouldn't agree, but you, yeah, you definitely, you have a sort of, Mr. Bean. You know, a Mr. Bean quality, but then also, a Mr. Bean quality, but I wouldn't say, I say, hey, sexual at all, but it's a term that you think that about yourself.

I'm Bean sexual. I'm Bean sexual. So if you are sexually attracted to Mr. Bean, then you're going to be into me basically. Yeah. Yeah. Bad dates. Bad dates.

May, A.D. and Sabrina, welcome to Bad Dates. Sky is how I was. I'm so excited to be here. Hello. Scared to be here. You. I'm scared to be here. You're scared, AD? A little bit, a little bit. Yeah. Is it a traumatic subject for you?

Well, I mean, I guess I can't really say that it is because I've been telling the story for 20 years, so, you know. No, but dating is general. Obviously, you've milked it. Yeah. But dating in general, how do you feel about it, A.D.? Is it bringing up fair? Well, I looked like I was nine until I was about 25. So my dating has been mostly sort of like hoping someone will be friends with me for

long enough that we might get drunk together. Oops, we made up. So we're playing a long game with a lot of people. Oh my god. I play so many long games with a lot of pedophiles. Yeah. Until 25. I met a girl once who lived in Canada. And this is true. That I wrote her letters and she wrote me back and I was convinced that we were going to be together until she came back to New York and we met at a bar and there was this guy that was like kind of hanging around and she goes, oh my god, Miles, I haven't introduced my boyfriend yet.

And I was like, oh, no. I was like, I have, I have lived my life in the friend zone. Oh, yeah, that's my PO box. That's where I have all of my mail sent. Oh really? Yeah. So, you have your mails sent. Yeah. Okay, so I want to know how you guys feel about dating. May, what's your general feeling on the subject? I feel like you like dating. Yeah. Well, I think for a

long time, I was like a serial manogamous and then now when I'm single, I think I'm a prolific data. I like a, an active, like I like the date itself, like an activity and escape room. I like to plan activities. Made so we got like a whole journal full of questions that are perfect for like icebreaker. Oh my God, give us a minute sign. A prepared date.

Well, I know, which is maybe a red flag, if something, but I am. It's a bit serial killer, I'm not kidding. It's a very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, I'm just going through the motions of some formula. But I have, I've been writing these personality questions, but I don't know why, but I have like 200 of them, and they're rapid fire, and they really reveal

a lot about the person. Oh, wow. That's fucking amazing. Can you give us any idea of some of these questions? So it starts easy things like, is your essence more grass or cloud? You know, is it more tortoise or zebra? And then it gets into like, you know, or do the needs of the many outweigh, the needs of the few?

Are you frightened to like, oh, capitalism? Do you have recurring nightmares? You have said one thing. Are you frightened to like, oh, capitalism? Do you have recurring nightmares? You do. You have said one thing, this is one of the first out, I think it was the first out upset I ever went to see of yours where you revealed that you had once in bed told someone that you wished that you could do want to say it yourself. Oh, yeah, that's embarrassing.

That's, I, yeah, good memory. Just that I was. This is the exact moment I found another to you. We were like, yeah, I was 20 and I started dating someone who I was really into and she was like 27 and more experienced and it was like the second time that we had sex and in the middle of it she said, say something dirty to me. And I was like, yeah, I'm going to,

like, but trying to think of what to say. And Panicking, and I said, I wanna fuck you for 10 years. Yeah, just the weirdest. Yeah, the least hot that you can say. You're nasty. Yeah. I wanna fuck you for 10 years. Yeah.

I'm gonna coast sign on mortgage with you. May you and Sabrina know each other really well? How many years have you been friends? We met when I was 15. And I was 16. OK, this is an ongoing thing. That Sabrina is upset that she was a year older when we met. So often when we say it, Sabrina gets a flicker of rage. It's a lie. I was 17

but for some reason it just sounds so old next to 15. So I say we met when we were 15 and 16 but on this podcast where we're being honest I will admit I was 17. Yeah so many so many years. Yeah 20 years. Actually when we first met we were actually Sabrina was dating men, and I remember her bringing a date. Not men plural. Okay, one man. Oh my god. Yeah. And Sabrina brought him to the comedy club, and she was so mean to him because she didn't like him. So she was just like rolling her eyes every time he spoke. May, this would be a better, this is a good bad day. time he spoke. May, this would be a better, this is a good, bad day. Yeah.

This is he showed up to second city, which was like where I was flourishing and like coming closer and edging my gay identity, but it was still wearing like a butterfly beret and like, and like, halter tops, because I was still in high school being like, I'll be normal. I'll be good. I'll be normal. I'll be good. I'll be normal and I'll be good. And Michael Scavuzo, who was a boy in my neighborhood, saw me in a way that none of the other boys were seeing me

and he liked what he saw. And I said, all right, Sabrina, let's do this. Let's do it. I'd given him half a hand job, which was the furthest I'd gotten. He put Cologne on his penis. He put Cologne on his penis? Yeah. Wait a minute.

Half a hand job. Did he stop it? Or did you stop it? Was he like, that's enough? That's enough. Forget it. No, I literally was like, I'm gonna check in with my friends. Like, I literally was like, this this is we're spending too much time here I have to go do something like I just invented something to do. Oh my god You always want to hear somebody say I got to go check in with my friends in the middle of a hand job May you are up. Okay.

Your story is called quote the Raven. Oh, yeah, okay. Yeah. Okay, I'm 13 and it's been sort of ordained in my class that I'm, my boyfriend is going to be this guy, Mark Ravenz Emla. Like the whole class has agreed, Mark Ravenz Emla. Like the whole class has agreed, Mark Ravenz Emla and May are gonna date. He went to a different school,

but I think we'd had one dance together, something like a school dance. And Claire Markham was having a house party. I'm using full names, by the way, but it's okay, because I'm still in touch with them. But she's having a house party, and it's like May and Mark are gonna have their first kiss. Half the class is gonna be there,

everyone's gonna watch. And I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I think we've never even touched each other at this point,

but it's like we're boyfriend. You're going to be a- Yeah, you're getting married. Yeah. We're getting married and we're gonna have our first kiss. And so that day, and I think it was the first house party

I was ever going to, and that day I got my braces on. Full of grace face, like so painful, just like swollen. There's like two types of people in the world, people who have had braces and people who haven't, and it's torturous, and my mom. Your property value as a person lowers for you presently. It's character building but like it's oh it was never recover when you're eating and run of people like I still start

having panic attacks when I eat salad in front of strangers or not even strangers friends my boyfriend anyone like it never it never the PTSD never leaves you it's like you can't stop your hand from coming up to cover your entire face, will you? Yeah, I will, I spiritually have braces all the way still. And so I got them on and I go home and I'm like, I can't go to this party. I can't see them tonight. I can't have my first kiss tonight. And my mom's like, may he likes you for you, for your personality.

You have to go. You can't even see the braces. Oh my God. She's a liar. Yeah. And I'm like, OK, I guess. And shit, my mom, like, paints my nails and helps me choose my outfit.

And I'm so nervous. And I walk in the door and Mark is there and all these kids. And he literally takes one look at me and it's like horrified and takes Claire. Takes Claire Markham's hand. This is my friend Claire who's hosting the party, takes her into the bathroom and they make out while I listen at the door like, oh, God. Oh my God.

I know, so that's my government appointed boyfriend. Yeah, but it was ordained. And so, they are making out. And yeah, it was horrifying. And I saw Claire Markham for the first time in maybe 18 years. Like, she still upset. I'm upset. Yeah, so she comes to my show and she had DM me.

And we were like, let's have a drink after. I haven't seen her in, yeah, maybe 20 years or something. And I see her in the lobby and we walk up to each other and the first thing out of her mouth is, I'm so sorry about Mark Raven. And I like don't let her off the hook. Oh my, yeah, thanks. That was shitty. That was shitty.

Yeah. Thank you, Claire. That was shitty. It's insane. We have both been holding on to it for two decades. And yeah, but now it's all settled. I mean, I haven't gotten in touch with Mark, but I'm intending to. So why did you tear up to the bathroom door?

Like, you want to torture myself? Yeah, just... When you get to know me a little better, you'll understand. Yeah, it's very on-prem. I feel like... I'm made listening at the door. You have to be very on-prem. I feel like, I feel like, maybe listening at the door, you could draw a direct correlation to the scene where your mom is like, you go out there and you get him.

Like, I do that. I can see your freshly painted nails against the door. Oh, God. Exactly. What are they doing? But also, I feel like that site, the generation that we grew up in, like all of our movies were about romantic torture, right?

All of those 80s movies was just about, that's exactly what you do in the film. I feel like, May and I both learned a lot in our lives from movies. And I thought we were so first, I don't want to speak for you, but I certainly thought I had to replicate a lot of what was happening in films.

To me, ages to stop having sex, like a sex scene. Like, to me, ages even, like clock, that's what I was doing. It was so modifying when I realised that I was just acting way before I was an actor. But I can so imagine that the movies tell you to put your hand against that door and listen. And then the camera pans in on your like teenage torturous pain. So I get it. It's such an indulgent era. You can hear like the song Kiss Me by Six Benz and the Ritual. And then also do you know that shot in the shining when he's up against the door and that the camera's down here and he's like, Yeah, yeah. Open the door Wendy. Imagine if I was like that.

That would be... Claire. Claire. Yeah. Were people watching you at the door? Oh yeah, everyone was just like, like, frozen and shocked. And did he like, wordlessly just immediately look around and grab the first hand he could grab and march off? Like, when he saw your braces.

He was like, hey, and I was like, hey, and then he was like, crispy, and my memory is crispy, yeah. Ready to suck, can't. Oh, sorry, no, I'm a rapper. Oh, sorry, no, I'm a rapper. Oh, man, that is, that is, how long did it take you to recover? Do you feel like from that humidity? Not long. I was weirdly... Any day now.

Yeah, any day now. Weirdly, even for such an insecure kid, I always had boyfriends. I had so many, so many, oh god. That I was like, it's true love, but we never really, we would just sort of slow dance to Aerosmith, but. It's like a movie.

Not everyone's out there giving half-hand jobs. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. I was not given any jobs. I was not allowed to give or receive any jobs. Really? Not all of us were in the market. Oh, it's fine. I was watching the films and never getting a chance to re-enact them

until my mid-20s. So you have another story called, Brose Before Appropriate Engagement. Well, I just thought it would be funny to tell this. It sort of counts as a date, because Sabrina and I have a unique connection where we, I guess it counts as a date because we both... I can't believe this is one of your stories. This is why I love having friends on the podcast

at the same time. We were having a couple's vacation in Greece at my parents' house in Corfu. They used to live there and they have this like sort of beautiful place. Beautiful place. And so I was with my girlfriend, Sabrina's with her girlfriend, and we had this dinner book,

I think this is partly why this happened Sabrina. We had a dinner book that we knew was gonna be really romantic, and I had planned on proposing to my girlfriend, we've been together five years. I had a ring, this is like my emotional family home, you know, with a lot of history in my family. It was perfect, like I picked the spot. And I go, Sabrina, I'm gonna propose to Lindsay.

And I just see something cross over Sabrina's face, like, well, I wanna do that. Like, just a slight jealousy and like, and she's gonna go, that's a Lindsay. No, but you're like, okay, well, I'm to do that. Like just a slight jealousy and like, and she's gonna go, that's a Lindsay. No, but you're like, okay, well, I'm gonna propose Dishonor and I'm like, okay, well when? She's like the day after you.

So I proposed to Lindsay and, first of all, I hadn't planned it very well and I just started, I was weeping and I didn't really say anything good, but it was romantic and we're really happy. And then Sabrina goes, okay, I'm weeping and I didn't really say anything good, but it was romantic and we're really happy. And then Sabrina goes, okay, I'm going to propose to Shawna the next day in the exact same spot that you did, but I'm going to take this ring that I got and I'm going to tie it with fishing line to a bunch of grapes.

And then they're going to descend from, so she's got this whole magic trick planned out, which kind of up stages my proposal. But I'm like, okay, that night, Sabrina's girlfriend, Shana, gets severe food poisoning. Like, I spend the entire night just like doubled over the toilet, wretched. How did that happen, May? Oh, I think... I think...

I claim it's from a, from a, from a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, likely story. Yeah. Not the, uh, a likely story. Yeah. Not the, uh, the maps. I was cooking over an open flame. But she, uh, so she's, and I go, she's Sabrina, you can't propose tomorrow morning.

Like, Shana hasn't slept. She's green. She's like her stomach is empty. Like she's an empty shell of a person. And Sabrina's like, no, no, it'll be fine. So the next morning comes, and Shna is not expecting a proposal at all. I think Lindsey, my ex, really was. So me and Lindsey know this is going to happen, and we're hiding, watching through a window,

and we see Sabrina bustling away like a busy little bee dressed to the 9s. It's like 11 a.m. Sabrina is dressed in a shiny shirt, buttoned up. She's cooked this beautiful breakfast, laid it out outside, and Shawna just comes shuffling out, like hobbling out, because she's been throwing up all night. She's kind of lost her voice. Like she hasn't even brushed her teeth yet. She's like, inhale.

And Sabrina's like, good morning, really, weirdly chipper, really nervous. Living up her proposal, Blouse. Yeah. And Lindsay and I are just watching this. Like, how is this going to go down? And we hear Sabrina saying things like, these tomatoes are great. And she's like, what?

Like, can I go back to bed? And then Sabrina kind of lures her over to the spot where I had just proposed that previous day. Oh my God, this is so insane. And like, Delirious Shawna just suddenly sees this bunch of grapes like descending in front of her. And Sabrina's like, Da-da, and here's the ring.

Hadn't, is it true you had it? It was a fishing line. Okay, yeah, what's the mechanism for lowing your grapes? Okay, so he's like, now my advice for anyone that wants to propose is like, the magic is in the moment and in the love, but all I was thinking about like, the magic is in the moment and in the love, but all I was thinking about like the magic is a magic trick. It's literal magic. Oh my god. I had tied a fishing line

around these grapes that had our engagement rings on them and then I had pulled them up into the grape vines and I was impatient and waiting and wanting to tee up this celebratory dinner. So she's attached the end of the fishing line to her finger, something slowly. That's what I'm, yeah. Yeah. There was a rock. So she's slowly raising her hand, as the rings, as the grapes descend. And then all, and my stomach was in my, I was so nervous.

And all Lindsay and I hear is Sean going, no, no no no no no no what and she's like no I don't and so we was like what do you mean no and she's like no I mean yes I've like I'll marry you but I'm so sick and then yeah but then the crazy thing is it's like that marriage lasted whereas mine and we never got married It's Sabrina still married to this day and we did have like that night or the night That was like 13 years ago so many years ago and we had the most romantic like engagement dinner the four of us and that was really magical I stand by it was worth it for that dinner that dinner. I was gonna say I think there's something to using the magic trick

Clearly, may I think that's what yours was missing. Yeah, mine was too earnest. I should have had a little bit of pizzazz. Yeah, earnest is good. Honest is great. More bad dates right after a quick break. Looking for love. I'm Jujube. And on this season of Queen Queen of Hearts we're going all the way down to sunny sexy Miami. I'm setting up the hottest singles in South Florida. Maybe I can find them their perfect partner or someone to fulfill their sexiest fantasies. A man who unconditionally loves me and is a raging feminist and then ties me up rubbing oils on me then surprise gets a girl to lick my another guy to put it in my and as a huge but remember there's a twist no one can see each other until the very end cameras on oh hi got me blessed follow

Queen of Hearts on Amazon Music or wherever you get your podcasts. You can listen ad-free on Amazon Music, included with the Prime. Download the Amazon Music app now, or you can listen ad-free by subscribing to Wondery Plus and Apple Podcasts or the Wondery app. And we're back. Ad, your story is called, Wait, It Gets Worth. It does. It does.

And I do, I think I have to start mine off. Just by saying that every detail of this happened and it's going to strain credulity. So mine was in the 90s. I'd just moved to New York City. I was in my 20s and I was working at a company called Bones of Steel. I made exercise videos and what? Abs of Steel, all parts of the body of Steel. Really?

Yeah. And so, you know, you're horny and you're young and you flirt with everyone. And so there was a girl that I worked with who I'm calling Darla. And we- Interesting choice. Yeah. Darla is the real name? No. No, no, no.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, it's an interesting choice. It's gonna be Dutch mental for me. Cool. Darla. Darla. How about very 1940s of you. So yeah, I was flirting with Darla and doing my thing where I'm a friend and I'm like,

well, hang out a lot and maybe it'll lead to something four or five years from now. So I said, we'd made plans to go to Central Park on like a day date. We're going to go to Sheep's Meadow. And I was pretty much hungover all the time at this point. This is on a Saturday and no exception. And it's hot New York City day and I'm hungover and we go to Sheep's Meadow and I'm not feeling great, but oh my God, I finally got this day date going. So I'm gonna stick with it.

And we're laying on a towel that she brought, and you know, we're looking up at the sky or eyes are closed because we're staring at the sun, and she's talking, and you know, my stomach is not feeling amazing. Oh my god. And I'm so nervous. And I'm wearing like cut off khaki shorts and a big time red flag. I was just, I was at the time. It was the start of the time. So I'm wearing these shorts and I, you know, I go to what I think is going to be

to let out a silent fart. And I filled my pants with diarrhea. Oh my gosh. Like I'm not saying a little bit. I mean, I'm talking courts of diarrhea. Oh my gosh. Like, I'm not saying a little bit. I mean, I'm talking courts of diarrhea. Like a ton. No, of course. Oh my gosh.

Maybe a court, maybe a court. Oh my god. A quantity, an inescapable quantity of diarrhea was now in my cutoff shorts and I'm laying on my back. So it's all contained in the moment. In your bunch of stale. In my bunch of stale. And so she's sitting there talking.

And so I have this moment where I'm the only one that knows the new reality, right? And I'm like, because Darla didn't realize. Did. Yeah. I'm not going. I'm sure about it. I just talked about it. I want to hop in. Yeah. I'm not going to. I'm not going to. I'm not sure about.

I just want to hop in. I just want to hop in. Yeah. Okay. Well played. And so I'm sitting there and I'm like, all right, well, this has happened. This is the reality in the ground.

I do have to deal with this. And so I start trying to concoct a plan to get out of it. And so I form like a seal with my shorts. I grab them on the sides so I form like a seal with my shorts. You know, I grab them on the sides and I form like a seal around my leg and I stand up while she's talking and I'm like, hey, Darla, I gotta go take a leak. I'll be right back and I back away from her and she's just laying there and I'm like, oh my god, I made it away from her. I can't believe it. And so I head to the public bathroom in Central Park, which you know is really luxurious

and really nice. And so I go there, of course there's like a huge line, but you know, I'm like, how do I pair? I'm gonna, I'm, you know, I have an emergency here. I start to cut and of course everybody's like, I get the fuck back in the line. Yeah, but then they smell you, right? Right, well now that's like, I'm like,

I'm like, in my nice guy way, I'm like, yeah, you know, I don't want to cut line and I don't want to tell everybody, well, see, here's the thing, guys, I have courts of diarrhea in my shorts, so I really do have to get in there. So I didn't want anybody to know that. So I wait in line and I'm sitting there

and like it's taking forever. So I finally make it to the bathroom and I go into the stall. And like I said, this is the public bathroom in Central Park and there's pee and water all over the floor and I'm not kidding. Someone has taken a dump next to the toilet like on the ground. So there's like pee water swirling around someone else's dump on the ground next to the toilet and I'm like, I'm gonna stop recording these episodes at lunchtime.

I'm so sorry everyone. It could have been another man. It could have not been someone who's taken a dump. It could be another man in CapriPant said just emptied his toilet. I wasn't with him. CapriPant. Well, not wearing paddle pushers. Okay, I was wearing proper cut off.

CapriPant, right? Yeah, I got sure. Kaki, yeah. K like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, else is shit getting on my shorts. And so I start cleaning up the best I can and then cops raid the bathroom. And they forced everyone to start screaming

for everyone to get out because they've just done a huge drug bust and they're going to use this bathroom as a holding thing, all right, for all the people they just spudged it. So they're just they're running in, they're throwing drug dealers against the wall and they're screaming at them, you know, like blah, blah, blah, and I'm like, I am definitely not leaving the bathroom stall because I am halfway through this very messy ordeal, you know, I'm like trying to, throwing wads a toilet paper in there, I'm doing the best I can. I finally get cleaned

up enough to where I can like hike up my shorts to my nipples and untuck my teeth and untuck my t-shirt, you know, so it hangs down below the stain. And it, you know, it looks like, so I come out of the bathroom stall in the middle of this drug bust, I look like I'm wearing like a mini skirt or a dress, you know, because I've got no shorts on now suddenly. And they start screaming and they're like, get the fuck out of the bathroom! We told you to get out of here and I was like, get the fuck out of the bathroom. We told you to get out of here. And I was like, sorry. And so I leave and I go back to Darla and I'm like, and I'm like, hey, Darla, and she's, I look ridiculous, all right?

So I've got like these, my pants have disappeared and I'm wearing this long t-shirt untucked. And I'm like, you smell amazing, I'm like, hey, Darla. I'm not feeling great. I think I gotta go home. She's like, oh man, I'm sorry. Well, yeah, let's go. You know, she Gathered us just because I'll go with you. We walked to the show. She wants to go ride the subway with me. So we're like getting We're going back to the subway and like we get in the subway and of course, thank God it already smells like shit anyway.

So she doesn't like question the fact that it smells a lot like showed me standing next to her. I I go home and I, you know, I'm like, make it back to my house and I'm like, I cannot believe that I made it. I actually pulled this off. She's got no idea. I take off my clothes, I put them in a bag, burn them, take a shower, I'm like, holy shit,

I just dodged the biggest shit ball of all time. And the phone rings. And it's Darla. And she's like, hey, Miles, how are you feeling? And I was like, so much better, thank you. I'm so sorry. She's like, no, no problem. Listen, my roommate's out of town.

And I don't know if you wanted to come over, I could make some pasta and I'll make you dinner. And I was like, wait, I can't believe that there's now another chapter is starting that I'm like, even more nervous about now. Like, I thought you made it home, you're safe. Now I'm like, what is this now? No, no, no, that would just be out there.

I'm like, stay. Oh, no, no, no, I might get to make up with someone. Also, Darlas knows is just done. Yeah, she has had COVID. She was the patient's hero, she's the Corona virus. Yeah. Uh, so I'm like, well, now I'm definitely sure she doesn't know.

So I go over to her house and I'm thinking this might actually still happen. And I go to her house and we're her apartment. And, you know, she shows you. Oh, this is the, this is the horror movie and you're the girl and the bikini going into the basement that's making noise right now. It's really stressful. It's fun. Yeah.

Yeah. So I'm hanging out. She shows me around her apartment. She shows me her room, her living room. It's you know, and she goes to the kitchen. She's making and making some dinner. And she's you know we're yelling across the apartment and she's like, Miles, this is ridiculous. We're screaming across the apartment. Why don't you just come in here and talk to me while I'm making dinner. I was like, okay, cool.

And I get up and I start walking towards the kitchen and I reach back to scratch my butt and I pull back a handful of shit. Wait, okay, how? What do you mean? So your hand, you reach into your pants to scratch your foot. No, I scratch the outside of my pants. And I pull back a handful of shit. I'm the outside. On the outside. And I'm like, my brain melts.

And I'm like, what the fuck is going, am I shitting through my pants? No, and I don't even know it. Like, what is happening to my body? What's happening to me? And I'm flipping out. And I'm standing there with my hand full of shit. And Darla guns out and she's like,

sees me standing there. And I'm standing there with this handful of shit. And I'm like, Darla, I don't know what's happening, but there's, and she looks around and everywhere that I have set in the last hour, there's a shit smear, like there's a shit smear on her couch. There's a shit smear on the foot of her bed. There's a shit smear on the bar stool.

There's shit everywhere. And I am completely ready to just cave and have a mental breakdown. And she gets this very angry look in her face. And she's like, oh god damn it. My roommate's cat shed on the couch and you sat in it. This happens all the time. And I'm like, elated.

I am so happy. And so really, she can't figure out where I'm like, oh really? That's great. Oh my god. She's like, why are you so happy that so really she can't figure out where I'm like really? That's great. Oh my god She's like why are you so happy that you sat in cat shit and tracked it all over my apartment because she didn't know that Five hours earlier I had filled my pants with diarrhea on the first part of our day. Thanks for saying it again Yeah, yeah, quartz of diarrhea So yeah, so she gave me some I want to put the mission impossible music

underneath that entire story. Yes. Round of applause. Round of applause for not getting busted in spite of courts of diary and ruining the term courts around food. And then I was like, I'm not sure if I can do that. I'm not sure if I can do that. I'm not sure if I can do that.

I'm not sure if I can do that. I'm not sure if I can do that. story. Yes. Round of applause. Round of applause for not getting busted in spite of courts of diary and ruining the term courts around food forever. Courts makes it sound fancy like diamonds. Yeah, yeah, I'm telling you. I got a full court shit. Yes, we're asking poo. Garlets of diarrhea. Could it be? Could it be that Darla liked men who shit their pants? Could it be because follow that was her king follow the the follow the clump of poo here. You had poopy pants you smelled like shit. It was your shit.

She wanted more. You go to her house. You've got shit. It's cash at this time. She's pissed. Damn it. And you don't hook up. Friends own. Oh, because you think. Damn it! And you don't hook up. Friend zone.

Oh, because you think she wanted it to be your shit. And she said it was just the... Yes. Or I'm just thinking, now, I never did see a cat. It could have been her shit. I never did see a cat. Is it good title? That was she did it because she wanted me to sit in her shit.

She brought a snack and there was laxative in it. It was revenge. It the whole thing was revenge. For the other. She had a nose. Yeah. Ladies and gentlemen. Wait. Oh my God. So the moment when the moment when you're lying next to her and you release your balls and there's like a moment and deciding what to do. Was that did you feel like maybe you would just have to lie there forever or like what what? Well, you know, you're talking about missions and mission and possible. My brain went into

like problem-solving mode and I just was, I started listing all the options, cop to it. Hey, I just shit my pants, dates over. Or try to figure a way out of this and continue the date, but with this very obvious, horrible situation going on. I feel like I would steal her handbag and run away so that she just thought I was a criminal, rather than another whole thing, it'd just been an elaborate ruse for me to steal her handbag rather than her ever know that I had shipped my pants.

I think obviously my version is super illegal and we are learning continuously that I'm a sociopath throughout this entire episode. But that to me is the move. Steal the bag. Run. I never speak true again. This is where like having a period is good where you could just, I would have been like, I didn't even know that I didn't even know that I didn't even know that I didn't even know that I didn't even know that I didn't even know that I didn't even know that I didn't even know that I didn't even know that I didn't even know that I didn't even know that I didn't even know that I didn't even know that I didn't even know that I didn't even know that I didn't even know that I didn't even know that I didn't even know that I didn't even know that I didn't even know that I didn't even know that I didn't even know that I didn't even know that I didn't even know that I didn't even know that I didn't even know that I didn't even know that I didn't even know that I didn't even know that I didn't even know that I didn't even know that I didn't even know that I didn't even know that I didn't even know that I didn't even know that I didn't even know that I didn't even know that I didn't even know that I didn't even know that I didn't even know that I didn't even know that I didn't even know that I didn't even know that I didn't even know that I didn't even know that I didn't even know that I didn't even know that I didn't even know that I didn't even know that I didn't even know that I didn't even know that I didn't even know that I didn't even know that I didn't even know that I didn't even know that I didn't even know that I didn't even know that I didn't even know that I didn't even know that I didn't even know that I didn't even know that I didn't even know that I didn't even know that I didn't even know that I didn know that I didn't even know that I didn't even know that I didn't even know that I didn't even know that I didn know that I didn't even know that I didn't even know was. They're disgusting that we need to move on immediately. I feel like Immediately okay, we will have more bad dates right after this

Hello listeners, Jameela here. I wanted to let you know about a new show from Smartness Media and Wondery called Just Jack and Will. It is the ultimate Will and Grace rewatch podcast. Sean Hayes and Eric McCormack, who starred as Will and Jack, will be watching the whole series from the beginning. And it turns out that while Eric has seen the show many, many times, Sean has somehow never watched his own sitcom. So they're going to be looking at it with fresh eyes,

bringing on their fellow cast members and fabulous guest stars, the writers and the director of the show, and all the people behind the scenes who helped Will and Grace win an astounding 18 Emmy Awards. Sean and Eric have hilarious chemistry and if you've listened to Smartness or Sean's appearance with Conan on our very first episode of Bad Dates, then you will know just how silly and irreverent they can get and you will not want to miss it. Just Jack and Will is available anywhere you get your podcast.

Episodes are available one week early and add free on want to miss it. Just Jack and Will is available anywhere, you get your podcast. Episodes are available one week early and add free on Wondery Plus. Follow and subscribe to it now. And we're back. Okay, so Sabrina, your story is called Zhivan. MUSIC Um, yeah. So, my...

My... There's a lot of setup for me. You have to know a couple things. You have to know that I built a backhouse and, you know, if they build that they will come, what they don't tell you is they won't fucking leave. So I built this backhouse. My parents are coming to visit. We, I have a part. That's a different PSA, by the way.

South Asian should never build a guest room or a guest house. So what's happening is, what's happening is, top of this year, my parents are coming, Shana, my wife is like, how long are they coming for? And I was like, that's a mystery, only time will tell. And so I know that I've got to, I've got to do something romantic for Shana. You know, I'm good at marriage in that way, where I'm like, I'm gonna, I found a flight deal on Scott's cheap flights, 700 bucks,

business class round trip to Belize. Why? I'm gonna, I'm gonna, I'm gonna, I'm gonna, I'm gonna, I'm good at marriage in that way where I'm like, I'm gonna I found a flight deal on scots cheap flights 700 bucks business class round trip to Belize. Wow. I never heard of anyone going to Belize But it's that I look that deal was too good. I book it. I immediately tell a couple friends to book it And so this romantic trip sort of shifted into a friend trip, which was okay And then but by the time we are on our way to believes, our marriage is in not, it's been like, you know, when your parents are visiting,

it's like they are the depiction of the things, like personified that your partner wants to change in you. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. After picture. Yes, like every time my mother is controlling or my dad has a catch up staying, Sean is like, it's you.

And so we're heading to, we're heading to Belize. I'm aware that we, it's like a little bit, we need to invent, we need to have time together. But when we get to Belize, Shana's back hurts. And so this, this like beautiful cave tubing trip that I had planned, she can't do it. So instead she stuck at where did I book us the best Western? That was a problem. It was the best Western Belize. I shouldn't have booked it, but every place was just Mahogany bad. And it just looked on the pictures like it might be the nicest for our two days in Belize City. San Pedro Belize beautiful. It's two days in Belize City. By the way we get to Belize City. I did some googling before and they're like they might not like gay people

in Belize and we are here to tell you they don't. They do not want anybody gay there. They do They do not want anybody to get there. They do not want everybody. Literally, it was like a sketch where every person, and we are both nice people. I am Canadian. I am trying to establish. We are traveling and trying to connect, and everyone is like $30.

Keep moving. Like just like very rude, and I got a suite for us and like I paid extra and they put us in like a dungeon. No, not one way. Okay, dungeon. Yeah. Okay, dungeon. They're like, we need to put these two. Exactly. It was so bad. At one point I asked the front desk, I was like, is this because we're gay? And they're like, yeah. No, they go, their answer said no, but then their explanation said yes, where they was like, no, I know some gay people. They're very nice. And it's like, just like very evil vibes.

But then, so then you have to imagine how happy I was when my friends and I get going this cave tubeing trip and we meet Jivon. And Jivon likes us. And Jivon is this like chubby cutie man that knows about the jungle. He teaches us about the plants and he's pulling us through a cave. I had twisted my ankle and I had like a tensor bandage on my ankle. And so he started carrying me places. And I did make plays. Wow.

I loved it. I was like, this is amazing. I'm connecting with a local. This is believes. And so, and then Jivan gets hooks us up with these like pine apples filled with rum on the way home. And we're drinking them in his van. And we're like, she's, oh, I love you.

And so I ended up hiring. Jivan told me he'd give me a good price if he could be our driver for the night. And I'm like, fuck, I don't wanna give the best Western, homophobic best Western anymore money. So yeah, shevon, you're hired, you can drive us around tonight. And tonight, remember, is a moment for me

to repair my marriage, which is right now filled with too much of my parents. It's a moment for me to connect with Shana. And she's been on her own in the gay dungeon while you've been having a blast in a cave. Well, you've been out, maybe. Yeah, I tell her, go to the spa at the best western spa. It is tricky.

This is what they do. There's believes dollars, which is half the price of US dollars, but they trick you and they make you think it's a believes dollars, and then when you pay, they're like, no, no, no, no, no, and it's like literally a different board, and it's like US dollars, but they trick you and they make you think it's a believes dollars and then when you pay they're like no no no no no and it's like literally a different board and it's like US dollars. So she paid $120 for like the worst pedicure she's ever had in her life and she's just been and then like the person that gave her the pedicure was like please they I'm like captured here it was all very dark and sad and so Shana's just had like a traumatic day. So I get home and I'm like,

babe, I found a nice person and believes that likes us. And his name is Jivan and he's going to drive us around tonight. And she's like, cool, cool, cool. And so Jivan picks us up and drives us to this restaurant. But he parks his car and we're like, okay, cool. Maybe he's just like walking us in. No. And then he- Oh no. Yes. What? He asked for a table of five, but we're four.

And then he sits down and starts like ordering lobsters and chickens and like dominating the conversation, being rude to the waitress. No. This hero of the jungle in this restaurant has become a lunatic zero. Like I've invited, like we're like just a four women traveling and somehow. Oh, God. She's the man or the cave.

And he is rude. I'm like trying to dig for something like vulnerable in him to me. I'm like, Shivan, like what's your, Rosenthorne, Rosenthorne Shivan. And his like, Ros was that he I rose in Thorn, rose in Thorn, Jivan. And his, like, rose was that he's like an amazing tour guide. And then his Thorn was like, even when people are sad, I just tell them, forget about it, focus on the tour.

And then I make them happy. And it's like, this is not a Thorn, Jivan. And then, and then the Thorn is addicted to lobster. Okay, so then we're sitting at this restaurant. It's the wind, it's like almost like the environment was also picking up on the mood. Like we all of our hats were being thrown off. And so, and we're planning our next move.

And Shana is like, I'd like to go to this cocktail spot. And I, me and my friends were like, we wanted to go to the casino after dinner. And this is where, looking back, I'm not great. Because I, immediately, we were like, we wanted to go to the casino after dinner. And this is where looking back, I'm not great because I, immediately we're like, no, no, no, no, no. Like give Shana the cocktail spot, right? But I, yeah, but we are, yeah. You're in enough trouble.

You've come home drunk. You've brought her out with a maniac. Like, this is, so really good. I'm like, I want to go, we want to go to the casino. Shana's like, I want to do the cocktails. It's weird energy. I'm like, I want to go, we want to go to the casino. Shana's like, I want to do the cocktails. It's weird energy. I'm like rolling my eyes. Jivon is there just like talking about himself.

And we get, so we decide, okay, fine, we'll do the cocktails. We get to the cocktail place. And when we get there, Shana's like, I just want to acknowledge the energy here is weird, okay? Like, we should be together in this. And like, instead, there's just this man here staring at me, and it's weird that you're here too, sir. And he stood there, she's standing there with a beer now, and he goes, I'm right here, I'm right in the middle. I can see his character literally literally like zero clue most like unbreakable confidence and so that's when I started when he said I'm right in the middle

that's when I was like oh my poor babe like at then it was like a horror movie and we were on the right side and then I was like okay babe it's me and you she's like good let's we'll go to the casino. We go to the casino, Jivan comes to the casino. And we're like, how are we gonna lose this guy? At the casino, by the way, we're playing that blackjack, and this man is playing with us. The man leaves, and the casino dealers,

Westworld robots just shut down and stop serving us. No. Oh, really? Fuck. Yeah, because they're not into you. They don't like us. No one likes us. And then we're like, we all pretended to have tummy aches.

We all pretended to shit our capris. And then we were like, where is she Von? She's on last stop, our hotel, and she's on, uh, sent us home. And I guess she's on, maybe was. She's on, it hotel, and Jivon sent us home. And I guess Jivon maybe was... Jivon's like, can I walk you to your door? Jivon was the therapy I needed to turn towards my wife. And... You needed a common enemy, didn't you?

And Jivon became a... Jivon was the common enemy we needed. And it's always good to have that established right at the top of a trip, is like just a hundred thousand references to Jivon at the top of a trip is like just just a hundred thousand references to Given and the rest of the trip. But I will say San Pedro is amazing. So I like going to San Pedro, amazing experience. They love gay people. Just be quick and believe city. Right. Especially if you see Javon. It's just funny that you introduced Javon to the group and then and then

used him to as a tool to become close to your wife through hate. Genius. If we think about it. I also liked in the story where you were like at the restaurant and she wants to go for cocktails and you go, this is the moment where I realized I need to be nice to my wife. There were moments before. Like not going into the cave, I think, in the first place, staying with her in the dungeon.

Not booking the best Western. Well, look, you're still together now, yeah? Yes. And Javan is now living in your guest house? He's actually... Is he there now? Sanna and Javan are in the other room right now, actually, yeah. I'm right here. I'm right Anjivana in the other room right now, actually. Yeah. I'm right here.

I'm right in the middle. Oh. God bless the common enemy that is Iran. All right, so thank you for that excellent story. And I'm happy that your marriage has survived to tell the tale. So I have a thing that we haven't done before on the podcast before, which is when we ask always for our listeners to send in their worst eight stories, but we have a quick voicemail this time. This is from Anja, who's telling us all about her bad day, and I want to know what you think. I'd gone out on several dates with this lad, a student at university and it was all moving

in the right direction and we got on really well and then on this particular date we decided to go back to his house to carry on as you do and he had this little thing that he called a fruit basket and would I like to put a can said fruit basket and I was like yes sounds good to me basically fruit basket was putting small and soft fruits inside wads vagina and then I think they were sucked out. What? Oh, it's amazing. I might add and I think he got a bit carried away and at one point it wasn't aware obviously because I couldn't really see what was going on.

He fit off a piece of plum and all of a sudden I heard this o noise coming from downstairs and I said what do you mean o and apparently my vagina had eaten this chunk of plum and had disappeared completely inside me. So which part of her palate? And I said we're gonna have to go to the hospital which is about sort of 50 minute walk away. And as I'm walking, I could feel this bloody piece of plum working its way out. It nighted me and it was just really uncomfortable.

And I thought I need to just check see what's going on. So I had to walk into the Daenerys pub just to use a toilet so I was kind of just dashed in and thank God this piece of bloody plummet plopped into my knickers which was great. It was the most surreal date. The wedding look sort of going out together for about eight years actually. He was a lovely lad and guess what? His name was Mark Peach. Ah! Fruit basket, anyway, thought that was quite entertaining. Oh my god!

Oh god, I love British people. That was so casual. Nothing and then ending on. Yeah, it would be going up about eight years. I love British people. That was so casual. Nothing and then ending on, yeah, we're going up about eight years. And his name was Mark Peach, guys. Oh my God. Being chill enough to be like, yeah,

put the suffrautes in, eat them up, but then being so anxious about a plum being up there, it's like, I really think it was a lesbian, a lesbian would have just dug it out. So, this is a plum, blocked out, my bloody nickers. Oh, yeah. But also like, like, Annie is a legend. Yeah.

I feel like if someone, if I get to someone's house, who I don't know, and then they want to stick fruit up my vagina and suck it out, I think she's a legend for just saying, yeah, I'll try that. I've never heard of it before and just went with it. Yeah, it's really depressing. Yeah, at least finish with a banana would imagine. I know.

Oh, what a legend, Daniel. I like it. I like that a lot of some of our terrible dates have led to actually very long relationships. Yeah. You never know, don't be afraid of the bad dates. Lean in, because you could find the great love of your life. A true test.

Or like, find tragedy if you really wanted to connect with someone higher as Yvonne, put him on a bus seat. Yeah. Oh, my God, I really hope people go and find Yvonne at the cave now in Belize City. Like, I really hope that we turn him into a tourist attraction. He's great. He's great out there in the caves. You've been fucking wonderful.

I have loved the arrival of your stories. I feel like I've learned a lot about everyone, anyone out there who's gonna date May. And I feel like the others, were you saying you would all be up for fruit, up you? We've all learned about something. Exactly. Everyone's open to, okay. You've had enough in your pants.

Yeah. No, so you've had enough in your pants. No, we've understood. Thank you so much for sharing and caring. Before we go, does anyone have any dating advice they would like to impart upon our listeners? It's absolutely fine if you don't. But sometimes you just never, okay, coming in hot. Get a journal right down to 200 questions. Like a rapid fire questions. Just get to the bottom of things. It's, it's the only way.

Next time I see you, can we do these questions? I'd like to, I'd like to learn how much of a sociopath I actually am. Thank you guys, stay safe out there. Yeah, same. Thanks for having us. I love you. Thank you. Thanks for having us. I love you. Thank you. May Martin's new comedy special, SAP is streaming on Netflix now, as well as their comedy series Feel Good,

which is one of my favorite shows, I think, of all time. Sabrina D'Aleese is a feature of the new movie I used to be funny and the Netflix special, the comedy lineup. And she also hosts the podcast, The Goodie Goodie, with Sabrina D'Aleese.

Bad dates is produced by Smartless Media and Wondery, created by Robert Cohen. Executive producers are Robert Cohen and Jemida Jamil. That's me, produced by Stuart Bailey, produced and engineered and edited by Devon Tori Bryant. Talent producer is Anne Harris. Associate producer is Maddie McCann. Music by Kushy and Evan Schletter. Executive producers are Will Arnett, Jason Vaatman and Sean Hayes. Executive producers for Smartless Media are Richard Coursen and Bernie Kaminsky.

If you've had a bad date and you'd like to tell us all about it, our number is 984-265-3283 and our email is baddatespod at gmail.com. We can't wait to hear all about it. That's all for this week. We will see you next time for more bad dates. Thank you. Smart, less, me, Hello, Prime Members! You can listen to bad dates early and add free on Amazon Music. Download the Amazon Music app today, or you can listen early and add free with Wondery

Plus in Apple Podcasts. Before you go, tell us about yourself by completing a short survey at Wondery.com slash survey. car. Before you go, tell us about yourself by completing a short survey at 1dory.com slash survey.