Bad Dates with Jameela Jamil - Re-Release: Dull-Eyed Manatees (w/ Amy Miller, Guy Branum, and Kyle Ayers)

Episode Date: May 26, 2025

Happy Memorial Day! Please enjoy this re-release of Joel's first episode as host. On this episode, Joel Kim Booster welcomes comedians Amy Miller, Guy Branum, and Kyle Ayers to discuss their most iconic dating fiascos. Amy would rather not belong to a club that now has her as a member, Guy simply demands Stacey Dash or better, and Kyle fakes a not-allergy in order to remain on a date he isn’t enjoying, which is maybe a first for us. If you’ve had a bad date you’d like to tell us about, our number is 984-265-3283, and our email is [e-mail], we can’t wait to hear all about it! Subscribe to our YouTube Channel for video clips. Subscribe to our YouTube Channel for video clips.Merch available at SiriusXMStore.com/BadDates. Joel Kim Booster: Psychosexual, Fire Island, Loot Season 2Amy Miller: @amymillercomedy on Insta, @amymiller on TwitterGuy Branum: @guybranum on all social mediaKyle Ayers: @kyleayers on all social media Subscribe to SiriusXM Podcasts+ to listen to new episodes of Bad Dates ad-free. Start a free trial now on Apple Podcasts or by visiting siriusxm.com/podcastsplus.

Smart, Blast, Neon Hey folks, happy Memorial Day! This is Joel Cambustor, host of Bad Dates, and I am here to tell you that I need a vacation, okay? I have absorbed all of these stories and I need to go and blow off some steam for Memorial Day, which means we are re-releasing one of my first Bad Date episodes as hosts, featuring Amy Miller, Guy Branum, and Kyle Ayers. It was recorded almost a year ago, and I think it's kind of iconic if you haven't checked it out yet. Download that now and listen to it, and even if you had heard it before, see how I've evolved

and grown as a host over the last year. It's been a lot. It's been tons. It's been exponential. Have a great Memorial Day. We will be back with more episodes next week. Bad dates. Don't cut any of that out.

I swear to God, if I listened to this episode back and you've cut out anything, I'll be so freaking out. Just so everyone knows, if they're listening, we're an hour and 42 minutes in now. So if it's any shorter than that, they've cut a lot about that. It was juicy. Hello, hello, hello. I am Joel Kim Booster and you are listening to a brand new season of Bad Dates here on the Smart List Network.

I know many of you, if you've listened to the show in the past, you're probably wondering who the fuck is this guy. This is not who we are used to. I am out of my comfort zone. I don't like change. My name, as I said up top, is Joel Kim Booster. I am a writer, comedian, actor, producer, multi-hyphenate, and now podcast host.

And I'm really excited to be hosting the Bad Dates podcast. If you've never listened before, it's pretty self-explanatory. We're here to gather some of my funniest friends to talk about some of their worst dating experiences. And that includes dates, that includes hookups, that includes third, fourth, fifth dates, that includes relationships in their entirety. It can mean a lot of different things. The definition is very fluid. That this is a celebration. This podcast is about celebrating

the terrible things that we have all made it through. Okay. I myself am currently in a relationship, so I am out of the dating pool, but boy, oh boy, did I not get into a relationship until I was in my mid thirties. So I have a real history. I've made it through the wilderness though, and I've made it out on the other side and I'm a success story. And that makes me an expert on dates, relationships, and love. With that in mind, a little switch up, there's a new sheriff in town. He is me. And so we're going to try something a little different to start off the podcast today. A little listener advice section.

We have an email here. It is from a man named David and it goes like this. I met a guy at the gym. We start chatting slash flirting. We go to my apartment and he immediately asked me if he can eat my ass. I had just worked out and would need a deep cleaning first, so I said no. Then he asks if I could eat his. Before I even raise the cleanliness issue, he sticks his hand in the back of his shorts

and reports all clean. He was so hot that I went along with it, but as I got started, I felt something in my mouth that shouldn't have been there. I stop, I go to the bathroom and spit out what I realize is a bit of toilet paper. That killed the vibe for sure, but he keeps texting me for our next date and I'm not sure I can get over the unexpected Charmin, although he is hot as fuck.

What should I do? Okay, here's my quick piece of advice in a nutshell, which is grow up, okay? You are a gay man, presumably, who has dabbled in gay sex. You know what is back there. You know the territory. You know that anything is possible when you are playing with butts, okay?

That's just it. And the fact is, if this man is so hot, are you really gonna throw him away because of something so trivial as a piece of toilet paper in your mouth? Do you know how little of the population gay people make up? We are, there is not enough of us to be this picky. If you have found someone that you are decently, decently compatible with, this should not

be the deal breaker. Text him back immediately. I already know that our guests are chomping at the bit to weigh in on this. I can see it in their eyes. So let's, without further ado, introduce my guests. I'm actually gonna start with the person who I think has the most to say about the letter,

and that is my dear friend, actor, comedian, and writer. He has a book out called My Life as a Goddess. Please welcome to the podcast Guy Branum. Hello, friend. Thank you so much. Sorry, I was chomping at the bit to tap in here, but that reeks of a man who has been gay for under a year. Super hot guy who doesn't understand like all of the things that we need to do is like,

you know, I'll just leverage how hot I am so that people do dumb things and I don't have to learn a lesson. And that's a little boy who, A, needs to be trained, and B, who potentially a slightly less attractive man could trap for up to three years before he realizes he could do better. Who knows what went on between Dustin Lance Black and that little diver when they were first exploring

the birds and the beast? You know? What did Lance have to ignore? What did Lance have to teach? And I just want to say, be your own Dustin Lance Black to the author of this letter. Tom Daley. Um, somebody who I'm sure has a lot to say herself on this topic. She's a nationally touring stand-up.

Very, very funny. Specials on Comedy Central, a comedy album called California King. Again, another good friend of mine. Please welcome Amy Miller. Hi, Joel. Hi, Amy. Has this ever, has anything similar ever happened to you?

I feel like I'm reading a prestigious fashion magazine right now. So, um. Um. Well, I, yeah, I'm not too squeamish about that kind of stuff. It's the cleaning apparatus. Like if you're worried about cleanliness, then you saw evidence in your mouth of the cleaning system. There you go.

Was it regular toilet paper? Was it a dude wipe? You know? Charmin, I mean, Charmin is pretty high quality too. I mean, I don it a dude wipe? You know? Charmin. I mean, Charmin is pretty high quality too. I mean, I don't know how you would get to the Charmin of it all, but. I can't afford it. Yeah.

No, I'm Scott. Okay. And finally, someone who I know is an expert in this area. A dear friend of mine goes way back. We were in the trenches together in the open mic scene in Brooklyn. He is a comedian, actor, writer, producer. He has a new comedy album called Happiness, a podcast of his own called Never Seen It. Please welcome another good friend, Kyle Ayers to the podcast.

Hello, Kyle. Hello. How are you going to listen to podcasts and not own a bidet? They sponsored every one. Number one sponsor. You are absolutely correct. They sponsored all. This is a perfect point. Number one sponsor. You are absolutely correct. They sponsored all of them. I have two unhooked up bidets and two hooked up bidets in my apartment.

No, it's very true. And you're straight. No one is poking around back there, generally speaking. Well, sure. Yeah, okay. No, you're right. I shouldn't assume. Shouldn't make assumptions.

I make an ass out of you and me and then I eat it. I will say just tangentially a story I have is my friend and I at an event ate the same ass. I lost my gum and my friend found the gum. Oh no. that's beautiful. A Christmas party. Yeah, yeah, yeah. True story.

I found it romantic. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's how I actually, I'm gonna recreate that and that's how I'm gonna propose to my partner. That sounds refreshing. Bad Gates. Bad Gates. Bad Gates.

Bad Gates. Bad Gates. Bad Gates. Bad Gates. Bad Dates Bad Dates We'll start with Amy now to present her story entitled, Alaska. And give it up to Alaska. Do you know what I mean? What a beautiful, weird place. Well, I have never been like a hookup with strangers on the apps kind of hoe, which sometimes surprises people. Not anti-fucking strangers, I wouldn't judge anybody.

It's just like, I don't know, maybe sometimes for safety or like, I don't wanna- For sure, your rate of being, your chance of being murdered is pretty high. Yeah. Pretty high. I did promise the producer I wouldn't wanna- For sure. Your rate of being, your chance of being murdered is pretty high. Yeah. Pretty high. I did promise the producer I wouldn't bring up murder, but how do you not when we're talking about dating? Yeah.

No, and you're on the road, it's a whole thing. Yes. They can cut it if they need to, but everybody's thinking it. That's what the murderer said. Well, sometimes death would be a good option also to like talking to a random straight man for an hour. You know what I mean?

That's the other miserable part is like, I don't know you. But anyway, I have like matched with this very cute man, like meet up with him before I'm about to headline a show. And he's very sweet, very handsome, like, you know, just by all accounts, a wonderful person. I do immediately get the vibe that he might be closeted. And let me tell you why. Yeah, I was just about to say, let's dig into this. A lot of things added up, like, you know, very Southern background, very religious parents, but all of his favorite comedians were women.

I mean. Oh. Yeah. I know, I think we all agree that's a red flag. Yeah, gotta be gay. Truly, in all of the hookups I have had, anytime I tell someone that I'm a comedian, these gay guys are always immediately like,

I love Theo Von, and and there's just there's There's nothing hot about something with respect with respectable tasting comedy. Yeah It's just too bottoming. God knows he would not name me or guy if you were gay, you know Well, Joel every time your name comes up when people hear I'm a comedian It's a like always like he's so people hear I'm a comedian, it's like always like he's so hot. And I'm like, he's really funny too. That's what you as a comedian, that's what you want to hear.

Yeah, thank you. Thank you so much. After I hear one of Joel's punch lines, I always think to myself, those pecs. What were some of the female comics that he named that were his favorite? Well, that is the thing because he did bring up Kathy Griffin. So by then we're like, you know, but hot man, like whatever. I was in high school choir. I've hooked up with gay men.

He could afford cable in Alaska. So that's good. But it's like, it's a very like horny moment for me, you know? Like there are just some days where you're just like, so I'm like, let's go in the parking lot. Basically, you seem safe, you seem fun, nice, like eat me out in your car. Okay? Wow, that is some real gay guy behavior, Amy.

I gotta say. Thank you so much. I also love Kathy Griffiths. So that happens. It's very fun. I then go to headline a show, but then, but which I'm, I was so, I crushed, you know, because I'm free and open at that point. Post-not clarity. Yeahity, yeah. Yes. But I made the mistake of telling one comedian in between that and the show that that happened. I'm like, oh my God, I just hooked up in this guy's car. I don't even do stuff like this. I'm not like this.

And by the time I got off stage, the owner of that venue in Alaska gave me this little card, pre-printed card with two blanks on it, that basically said, I hooked up in the parking lot of and then business name and then filled in my... And I was like, what is this? And he's like, oh, one of the comics told me that you fucked in the parking lot or whatever, and it happened so often that we got these cards printed. Perfect. So glad that I told my good friend that special information so that they could run to the

manager. And then I'm like, well, do you guys have cameras out there? He's like, no, no, no. It's just, it's Alaska, you know, like people just fucking cars a lot. Now, do you remember the parking lot well enough to remember? Like, was there anything features about it that made it seem like really safe to hook up? I mean, there were very bright like floodlights and it just was spacious. It was easy to get away from other cars. Got it.

Ample parking. And then so I'm humiliated. I don't know, not for the getting eaten out in a car part, but just like, I don't want this weird manager to know. You know? The unoriginality of it all is what's getting to you. Yeah, but then I'm like, now the whole staff at this fucking venue knows

I got eaten out, I got ate it out, ate and out. I got ate it out, ate it out in my car. The conjugation is tough. But that's the first night and then the second night I'm there we make plans to meet up again and I'm like I don't know if this is like a full like sex situation, like he's very sweet, but something is not quite matching up, maybe the gayness. But he, nevertheless, I invite him to my hotel room. I'm like, let's see how it goes. And he, by that point also is like,

please come to South Carolina and meet my parents. Whoa. I hadn't even done anything for him yet. So I don't know. I guess the pussy's just that good. And the show, I was also very funny. So it's like a two. Oh, he came to the show?

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I'm like, yeah, that's a little bit sudden, but okay. And so then we start hooking up and all every all signs are pointing to we're gonna have sex But I take his pants off and he is already wearing a cock ring friends Now for our listeners at home for our listeners at home You might have to and I can't believe I'm asking you to do this work

Describe what a cock ring is for the people who might not know. Okay, so it's, I mean, what is the material? Is it like a latex? It's like rubbery? Oh, there's lots of different materials. They can come in anything. That's true. Yes. They can be leather, studded. Metal. I mean, it's a ring that goes at the base of your penis. It's pretty self-explanatory. Yeah, yeah. It is too, we should say it is to help keep you hard for longer. Yes.

And it's not typically something you put on before a date. A, presumptuous, and B, I don't know if it's been washed. You know? Huh. And also like the dick is not quite working. So we don't end up having sex, but I'm also just, like, put off by the whole thing, and I'm just like, why did you think that would be a good idea to show up with this on? I don't find that strange behavior. In fact-

Showing up with a cock ring? No. The thing is, I was just, if this is a repressed gay guy who is trying to have sex with Amy, there is the subset who are so repressed that their dick will react to anything and they can be rock hard for anything. And I was like, if you can find that little boy, you put a ring on, a different kind of ring on him, Amy, because even though he will never be sexually attracted to you, like, oh, just think of the good times watching Designing Women you could have.

But if he is having, like, it is the behavior of a jaded gay man of just sort of like, we got to work this out any way we can. I have experienced the cock ring that was on from before the beginning of the date many times, but I'm playing a different game. Yeah. Yeah. Yes, and it is not very common straight behavior. Ladies always want to believe that the only thing that a man needs to get hard is their own luminous beauty, and I would like to push back at that and say the hardness is its own

reward, whatever, by hook or by crook, however he gets there, yay. For me, it is always, always, always communicate when you have put a cock ring on and when specifically when you put it on, write it down in your phone, make a note, create an app. Hold up today's newspaper next to it. Take a video of you washing it as well. I don't think I've ever washed a cock ring. I don't know if that's insane to admit on on air but you don't use the same one with multiple people without washing it. I'm going to move the conversation along at this point. I'm going to move the conversation along. Thank you so much, Amy.

Bad Dates. Bad Dates. Bad Dates. Bad Dates. Bad Dates. We're gonna move on to Guy's story now. It's a beautiful title. I cannot wait to hear what it's all about. It is an afternoon of theater in Los Angeles.

Guy. I was on my fourth or fifth hangout with the premier chubby chaser of West Hollywood. He was like a roidy HGH-y but with glasses guy who had been on a couple of Sally Jessies talking about his perverse taste for the fat. And I was like, this is sexually satisfying to me. Let's do this. We met for lunch somewhere on Fairfax and I tried to order in ways that would make him happy

and he would see me, you know, like eating like a piggy, that kind of thing. Cause he was also a feeder, not just a chaser, but also a feeder. Wow, that's like a hat on a hat. Yes, but they run together, they run together. But he also was a playwright. He was also very full of himself about being a playwright

and he had written some play that took place in the Inca empire. And I remember we got into a fight because I was speaking derisively in the Inca Empire. And I remember we got into a fight because I was speaking derisively of the Inca for not having invented the wheel. And she was like, it's the handies. The most Sky Branum argument on a date I've ever had. I can't.

So we then went to the Greenway Theater. I think that's what it's called, but that theater that is right next to Fairfax High for a Saturday matinee of The Last Seder, which was a two hour plus, very full of itself, family drama. And of course it's theater in Los Angeles. So everyone on stage has done seven bones.

Everyone on stage... Like... ...was, you know, a regular cast member on Suddenly Susan. And... CSI Cleveland. And it was like, it was so... At least two of the three other people here now understand that if anybody in this goddamn town

is the market for a play called The Last Seder, it's this fucker right here. Like- Jewish Augustos Hitch County is what it sounds like. Well, can I ask one quick question? Was this man, was he chosen as well? Oh, no, no, no, he was not, he was not. Okay.

Like- So he took you to a play about Jewish eating. Yes, exactly, no, no, he was not, he was not. Okay. Like. So he took you to a play about Jewish eating. Yes, exactly, exactly. He knew his audience. So just. After Cantors. So like, yes, truly. So like two and a half hours of the wrong kind of turgid,

like women holding up plates and saying speeches over them. And did I mention none of the actors Jewish? None of the wrong kind of turgid, like women holding up plates and saying speeches over them. And did I mention none of the actors Jewish? None of the actors Jewish. And so we get to the end of it and it's miserable. It's been terrible. And we go outside. At least it's still light outside. Yes, it's, but also no, no.

Kyle in a rare optimistic moment. That we've never heard. It's so bad leaving something like that in its daytime. More than anything I wanted to slink into darkness, and he was like, no, we have to wait. I have previously worked with Alisa Donovan, who played Amber in Clueless. And I must like greet Alisa Donovan,

who played Amber in Clueless. And like we stood outside of the theater for an impossible amount of time. As Alisa Donovan received all of her garlands and received all of her praise. And like, as every moment passed, I was more aware that I was but the last in a long line of dull-eyed manatees who people had had to negotiate next to Dan. And I was just like, the notion of just like,

I'm waiting for fucking Elisa Dung so someone else can talk to the ninth build person from the Clueless cast. She was in the play, right? Yes, she was in the play. She played noteworthy daughter. If you know who Jenny O'Hara is, Jenny O'Hara played the matriarch

and she did it so well for a person whose last name is O'Hara. And long story short, I was just like, I can never do this again. Did we go back to his condo? Yes. Did I eat pudding off of his dick? Yes. We have one last hurrah, 100%.

And then I was just like, I'm not doing this again. And then he regularly comes up to me at West Hollywood Cafes trailing yet another gigantic boy behind him and is honestly, like, too affectionate with me in a way that I'm, like, insulted on behalf of the person who is now occupying the spot that I was in then. The end. Wow.

I gotta say, Dull-Eyed Manatees is sort of the front runner for a title that. That is poetry. It's such an evocative image. What was the actress's name one more time? Elisa Donovan. We should make this very specific and personal. My rule coming out of this story is you must greet Elisa Donovan. That is like a universal rule for dating moving forward. You must greet Elisa Donovan. I would say quite the reverse. I'm going to say politics of science, Stacy Dashore better. Like give me Stacy Dashore better. or better. Bad Dates.

Bad Dates. Bad Dates. And Kyle, your story is called Allergic to a Good Time. Take it away. It's easy to retell them confidently when I am the reason they were all bad. When you look back, I'm like, I actually have a list of people Retail them confidently when I am the reason they were all bad

When you look back I'm like I actually have a list of people with last names not saved in my phone who would do great on this podcast I This one is gonna resonate with with folks with the three of you Towards the end so I went out I used to work at the Apple store in Manhattan and I went on a date with the girl that I worked with there, which is already not a smart thing to do because no matter how it goes, you're scheduled to see them.

Ironically, a place where you were a genius. Yeah, I was with a capital G and unearned. So she was sort of like a granola-y, outdoorsy, right? Brewery. We all are, whoever you're picturing is exactly right. Rescue dog. She lives in Bushwick, yeah, I get it. She picked where we went and it was in the Upper East Side

by the Apple store that I worked at. And we went to like a brewery sort of everything looks exposed brick pipe wood area that was very popular in like 2015. That is involved. Yeah, yeah, exactly. Oh yes. They put an egg on a burger and considered a personality,

if that makes sense. A lesbian wedding in a Capital One commercial. Is that what I'm saying? Yeah. And then you're like, is she from? And then she's not famous at all actually. And so we go and I'm allergic to beer. I can't have it, beer and wine, fermentation process.

I will get very, very sick if I have six ounces of either of them. And she didn't know this. Can I just say, have you ever considered being a character in a farce because that could play out really well? They don't know this. Kyle, can I just say, have you ever considered being a character in a farce? Because that could play out really well. Ha ha ha. They don't email back.

Um... Ha ha ha. They don't like cold calls in this town anymore. And, uh, so we go to this place and she orders for me, and it's a beer, and I'm so insecure and nervous that I just start drinking it. And I immediately, my throat swells up, and I have so insecure and nervous that I just start drinking it. And I immediately, my throat swells up and I have to vomit. I have to, it is a very immediate reaction.

And so I go within five minutes and I go throw up in the bathroom. And you know how, when you're younger and you think you can get away, everyone knows. Like you can't go throw up in a bathroom and come back out and people, everyone knows. Like you can't go throw up in a bathroom and come back out and people, everyone knows what your eyes are. I came out and I was, then I continued drinking the beer

thinking I'd got it out of my system. And I kept doing this for the whole time we were there. Kyle, I would also say if there are a lot of 14 year old girls who would really take umbrage with us. Um, they know what they're doing. I just wanna let everyone know, I don't have any of their phone numbers. Um, I have none of their contact info and I kept, I, but I wanted to, I'd have a good time.

She was nice. We didn't click at all. There was really no redemptive reason for me to be putting this on. Um, but I kept trying. It could have been 70 beers, but honestly it was probably not three, but this is just how ill I kept trying. It could have been 70 beers, but honestly, it was probably not three. But this is just how ill I would get. Did you ever once in the lead up to this date suggest a different location? She really, really was like, I love this spot.

I want to go to this spot. And if you're I'm very eager to go out with her, I don't want to put up any reasons to say no to like, like, what if I'm like, and it's wild looking back because it's New York and there's probably 18 bars you could see from the bathroom. And so I'm throwing up a whole bunch and trying to keep up with, I don't know, people are probably playing giant Jenga or whatever is around at these places.

And we're also just not clicking. I'm getting vibes. This is right, this is, I would time it after the gold escalator before the election. Um, so. Uh. And I'm getting vibes. She's saying a lot of things like, well, he is pretty cool,

though. Or he does build big buildings. Or like these sort of things. And I'm realizing, well, she is, I think, from the South. And when you don't want to connect the dots and then someone's like screaming at you, here's all of the dots and I don't think the dots should be allowed. You know what I mean?

Yeah. And I'm like, okay, well, I don't know how to dismount this. Both jaws on the floor, by the way, in the other half of this. Crunchy in New York is not supposed to mean that. There are things that you are supposed to be half of this. Crunchy in New York is not supposed to mean that. There are things that you are supposed to be worried about with Crunchy Girl in New York, and that is mostly just that your jaw

will never be able to do what her ex-girlfriends did. Yeah, like not. Oh, he builds big buildings. This is the weird cross-section of like crunchy. But like you forget that crunchy is also in the realm of anti-vax. Yes. You know, you gotta remember that. Joel, Amy and I, all people from real America who should remember that these people exist,

but we have wiped it from our minds. Does she think he was building the buildings himself? I couldn't tell you. I mean, I was just probably changing the topic like, wow, can you believe horse racing's on this late or something like that? And then I get a, so this has gone poorly, very poorly so far.

I've thrown up a few times. I keep having to go back to the bathroom. I've gone to the bathroom so much, like it's best case scenario I'm throwing up for the amount of trips. And I come back and I had got a text message from a comedian asking me if someone had dropped on a show at the Creek in the Cave in Long Island City and asked me if I wanted to go do a spot on the show. And the show is called Wildcats and was

like a very vulgar show, like overly vulgar. And so I was like, hey, I'm gonna go do this show. I think I have an out, I'm so excited. I'm like, I just gotta ask to do this show. I think I even was like, you know, I got the, it pays, which is, it pays nothing. But I'm like, I need to leave. And she's like, ooh, I love comedy, I'll come. Who are some of her favorite comics?

Did you get any of that info? Probably the people at this show. Also, just wanna say the basement at the Creek, wonderful place to smell when you're nauseous. Beautiful. Oh, absolutely the worst. That stairway was covered in vomit. So you could have just gone right there.

Went to this Creek, five audience members at the show, all there alone. That's so you know it's good when no audience member has brought another audience member and, and, and she's one of them. And I'm having a miserable time before I can even go up. Everyone else is talking to her and she's not once mentioned me or anything. She said she's just there because she likes comedy. It's like, I'd never met her at point, and then she's having a good time, and then I bomb, and then everyone is super mean to her. And it's just this very uncomfortable sort of like,

fade out, where she leaves independent of me. There's no goodbye. We never ever talked about it ever again, after it worked together for two more years. And it never came up. None of this ever came up. Comedy can usually be an out from a relationship or even just a date and this was such a miserable, Amy's talking about like crushing in front of this guy

and I'm like, I didn't know that's possible. Oh. Oh. Oh. What is the big takeaway from this state, do you think, rule wise? What can we, how can we save someone some pain in the future with a lesson from this?

I mean, I feel like speak up about your allergies, maybe number one. All the other lessons were more fun. This one just makes me feel dumb. So we are going to move into the final segment of the podcast, which is a listener story from a listener named Jennifer. Again, feel free to interrupt me as I read. In this world, it is not rude. It is in fact helpful.

Dear bad dates, I met a guy from an app. We had a bunch of margaritas at a bar, and both of us were primed and ready to hook up. We Uber back to his place, and as we walk up to his place, we can hear this dog going crazy inside. We open the door, and his bulldog is so hyper. My date says, hang on Chester, I'll get you your treat. He then gets a stick of beef jerky from a drawer, unwraps it, puts one end in his mouth,

and gets down low so he and Chester could have a lady in the tramp moment. Chester ends up going to town on my date's mouth. It was a lot, but the deal breaker came when he got up and asked what I wanted to drink. He had a line of his dog's drool hanging from the side of his mouth, swinging from side to side. There was no fucking way I could ever get past the dog slobber. At the very least, he should have felt the weight of it. So I pretended I got a family crisis text and got the fuck out.

And that's Jennifer's story. Listen, I think my big thing, and always has been, dog people are fucking crazy, man. They're fucking crazy. I am anti kissing a dog on the mouth despite being a white lady. Yes. But there's even something more specifically gross about a bulldog. Yes.

Like no disrespect to the underbite community, but. Right, you have to get in there to find the mouth. It's always so wet. Yeah, it's mostly nose, honestly. Yeah, it's like docking an airplane. Like it was probably more snot than drool even. Yeah, and my big thing is, is like a dog person is the first person to tell you,

actually the dog's mouth is the cleanest part of the dog. Right. They love to tell you Yeah, I don't like anyone. I don't like anyone who knew that information already. Like it's like very I think it's all this is such an easy. I think we all agree with her. I don't making up something was being kind to him. Yeah. Like, but to be fair, the bulldog is what makes it egregious, because it's also just like a dumb hack.

Look at my cute little move. If this had been a chocolate lab, I would have felt differently about it. I still don't think you should be kissing a dog on the mouth. I am myself between dogs and cats, more of a dog person, but there are separate spheres. I'm sorry, call me old fashioned, but they get to murder things with their mouths, but they don't get to touch my mouth with theirs. Also, like I said, they lick their dicks, they're eating shit. Like it's just, I can't believe,

I refuse to believe that it's the cleanest part of their mouth. I don't even like the idea that he thought this was like what to lead with. This is like the first date. This is such a crazy thing to do. That's so good. Good for her, like for,

or good for her that he did this immediately. But what an insane thing to be like, to be casual about anything on a first date is crazy to me. This is all made up. Like your beer out. I pretended I wasn't allergic to something. This guy should have done that, should have thrown it up in his dog's mouth.

And also, no matter how clean his mouth is, we at minimum know Chester has beef jerky breath at all times. Yeah, it would be weird if he just pulled it out. Yeah. Bulldogs are so low to the ground that like, now I know this man is like also on all fours in some way doing the lady on the trail. He's in doggy position.

And listen, guys, the irony of me starting off this podcast for chastising someone, for being squirmish about eating an ass that had some debris in it, and ending the podcast by being so disgusted with a man for kissing a dog. I see optically how that makes me look, like a hypocrite. Yet you're correct. So correct.

But I'm right, I'm right, I know I am. Yet you're correct the entire time. Because it's gotta be a real weird dog story for four people to agree it was a weird dog story. Because there's a big spectrum of dog acceptability as far as behavior. But this was like, this was a lot. There are more movies starring dogs in America

than starring Asian American men, okay? And that's just a fact. And we are, and for me, I gotta say, I think we get it. We've, you know, we get the inner life of a dog at this point. But Joel, hear me out. We remake Sounder with you. Original cast to the extent that they're still alive, but it's black sharecroppers,

and they're just trying to live despite the fact that dad stole a ham bone and love the Asian American gay guy who lives in their house. Yeah. Or we could do Marley and me, you know? Yeah. I think that's a similar answer.

It's Marley or me. This is her day. It's Marley or me. You gotta pick one. Too sad. I don't like that he had a drawer beef jerky. I don't want to get too far past just having a bunch of beef jerky singles that are separate

of the rest of the kitchen. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Chester's drawer beef jerky. You getting anti-keto over here? You coming for the, you coming for paleo? Oh, Dr. Mike Isretel on this podcast so fast. It is really incredible in that window where all signs are pointing to probably hooking up how many ways a straight man can ruin it.

Can fumble the ball in the fucking end zone. Yeah, it is so weird. Like I'm in your house. So confidently too. It's not like the dog ran up and did it and he was pushing the dog away or any just confidently striding in like time to close the like Don Draper confidence leans down and mouths not

even a Frenchie, maybe a Frenchie. Yeah. Okay. Well, listen, you guys, thank you all so much for going on this journey with me my first episode as host of this podcast. So I'm really, really grateful that you were all the guests on our maiden voyage together. Guy, where can people find you?

Where can they slide into the DMs maybe? Where is that? I am at Guy Branham across all social media. Amazing, Kyle? I am at Kyle Ayers, A-Y-E-R-S. Love that. And Amy. Amy Miller comedy on Instagram and everything else.

And Twitter's Amy Miller, but it's just me and you left there, Joel. Yeah, it really is. It's so sad. And like, we're going strong. If it weren't for the porn, I swear to fucking God. Yeah. Okay, this has been an episode of Bad Dates I went strong. If it weren't for the porn, I swear to fucking God.

Okay. This has been an episode of Bad Dates here on the Smart List podcast network. Thank you guys so much for listening. Please rate and review the podcast. It helps people find it. I will be back next week with more Bad Dates. I'm Joel Kim Booster. Goodbye.

Bad Dates is a production of Smart List Media created by Robert Cohen. and booster Bateman. Executive producers for Smartless Media are Richard Corson and Bernie Kaminsky. Music by Kushi and Evan Schleder. If you've had a bad date or would like our advice on any dating issues, please tell us about it at baddatespod at gmail.com or call us at 984-265-3283. That's 984-265-3283. That's all for this week. We will be back for more Bad Dates.