Bad Dates with Jameela Jamil - Re-Release: Keep It Slick (w/ Heather McMahan, Adam Ray, and Stacy Traub)

Episode Date: March 25, 2024

For the next few weeks, please enjoy repeat performances of some of the Bad Dates team's favorite episodes.On this episode of Bad Dates, Jameela welcomes comedians Heather McMahan, Adam Ray, and Stacy Traub to discuss their most iconic dating fiascos. Heather tells us about the banker who hankered to keep it slippery, Adam ponders a literal and metaphorical open door, then Stacy’s "Gorilla Time" leads her to a low point on the high seas. If you’ve had a bad date you’d like to tell us about, our number is 984-265-3283, and our email is [e-mail], we can’t wait to hear all about it.Heather McMahan: HeatherOnTour.com Adam Ray: AdamRayComedy.comStacy Traub: Daisy Jones and the Six, streaming on Amazon.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

I'm Matt Ford and I'm Alice Levine and we're the hosts of British Scandal. In our latest series we're visiting one of the rockiest sibling relationships ever. Okay so I'm thinking Danny and Kylie. No no no I'm thinking Anne Boleyn and the other Boleyn. No no Barry and Paul Chuckle. No it's Noel and Liam Gallagher. Now these two couldn't be more different but they're tied to each other in musical dependency. Despite their music catching the attention of people around the world,

Liam's behavior could destroy their chances. However, their manager saw an opportunity to build a brand around their rebellious nature. It's got fights on boats, fights on planes, fights on land. They just fight everywhere. If you like fights, you'll love this. To find out the full story, follow British Scandal wherever you listen to podcasts, or listen early and ad-free

on Wondry+, on Apple Podcasts, or on the Wondry app. I'm Peter Frankenapurne. And I'm Afro-Hirsch. And we're here to tell you about our new season of Legacy, covering the iconic, troubled musical genius that was Nina Simone. Full disclosure, this is a big one for me. Nina Simone, one of my favourite artists of all time, somebody who's had a huge impact on me, who I think objectively stands apart for the level of her talent, the audacity of her message. If I was a first year at university, the first time I sat down and

really listened to her and engaged with her message, it totally floored me. And the truth and pain and messiness of her struggle that's all captured in unforgettable music that has stood the test of time. Think that's fair, Peter? I mean, the way in which her music comes across is so powerful, no matter what song it is. So join us on Legacy for Nina Simone. Hello, I'm Emily and I'm one of the hosts of Terribly Famous, the show that takes you inside the lives of our biggest celebrities. And they don't get much bigger than the man who made badminton sexy. Okay, maybe that's a stretch, but if I say Popstar and shuttlecocks,

you know who I'm talking about. No? Short shorts? Free cocktails? Careless whispers? Okay, last one. It's not Andrew Ridgely. Yep, that's right. It's Stone Cold icon George Michael. From teen pop sensation to one of the biggest solo artists on the planet, join us for our new series, George Michael's Fight for Freedom. From the outside, it looks like he has it all. But behind the trademark dark sunglasses is a man in turmoil. George is trapped in a lie of his own making, with a

secret he feels would ruin him if the truth ever came out. Follow Terribly Famous wherever you listen to your podcasts, or listen early and ad-free on Wandery Plus on Apple Podcasts or the Wondery app. Hello, listeners. This is Maddie McCann, Associate Producer of Bad Dates. I'm a little under the weather right now. My voice is not usually trapped inside of my nose, as you might be able to hear, but you guys,

this episode of Bad Dates is helping me get through it. One of my all-time favorites from season one with guests Heather McMahon, Adam Ray, and Stacy Traub, it is so, so funny. We've got it all, a kinky Wall Streeter, a cuckold trapped for the ages, and a cruise with a stranger. What more could you ask for from an episode of Bad Dates? You guys enjoy. I'm going to go blow my nose. Bye. My dating past prior to that, you know, raised by a single mom. So, you know, she gave me a

couple pointers going into the, you know, the dating circuit. Like don't, you know, when you, when you hug a girl with big boobs and they press up against you, don't, don't say good out loud. I would have absolutely loved that. Hello and welcome to Bad Dates, a podcast that celebrates the absolute fucking disasters that we can all face on the road to love, to shagging or both. I'm Jamila Jamil, I'm your host and I'm inviting some of my favourite people to discuss their most iconic dating clusterfucks. Now we've all had them, it doesn't matter how hot, smart, tall,

short, funny, rich you are. And if you don't think that you've had a bad date, maybe that's just because you're someone else's and you haven't considered it. So while I watch the blood drain out of all of my guests faces, let's introduce them. So we have three excellent funny guests today. We are so happy to welcome comedian and actress Heather McMahon, who is traveling the country with the comeback tour. She's been in Netflix movie, Love Hard, and hosts the podcast, Absolutely Not. Hello, Heather.

We also have comedian and actor Adam Ray joining us. Adam has been in a million things, including Young Rock, Hacks, and Welcome to Chip and Dale's. And we welcome the very funny writer and producer, Stacey Traub, whose credits include Blackish, Glee, and Trophy Wife. Her new Amazon show is Daisy Jones and the Six. Hi guys, thanks for being here. Hi, thanks for having us. I'm here for Heather. Heather's my spirit animal.

Sit right back at you, Adam. I'd just like to start with Heather. I want to ask you, before we hear your story, what's it like to date you, Heather? Like, if you're being honest. Jesus Christ! It's fucking shit to date me. You want to lay down? It's fucking shit to date you, Heather? Like if you're being honest. Jesus Christ. It's fucking shit to date me. It's fucking shit to date me. Okay, all right, wow. Didn't know I need to take a trazadome before this.

I'm coming in hot. I like that. What's it like to date me? Well, here's the thing. I am recently married. So my early dating years were like the formative like college years. You know, when you thought you were gonna like date

this person and end up with them for life and you look back and you're like, I got, thank fucking God, I got out of their relationship. But what it was like dating me in my early twenties, cheap drunk, you know what I mean? Like I put out often an easy, so that was fun. It was always fun for the other person. I think I have more trauma from it, but I was like, you know, a solid, a solid eight and a half out of 10. Would you say? Yes. You took me to an outback steakhouse and like, you know, I would, I would definitely give you a BJ for sure.

So I think it was great for everybody on the other side. Yeah. That is the opposite of me. For me it was like a, an Olympic sort of training marathon where I put you through three months of hanging out with me before I'll even kiss you. So it really did like weed out the week or people who had self-respect or like a job, you know? Well, I had no self-respect. So that's also a great reminder. I had zero self-respect. We should have dated each other. It's exactly my vibe. And Adam, how would you say it is

to date you? You know, so also recently married as of a couple months ago, couple red flags already, she's addicted to Citizens app. I don't know if you guys know what this app is. Wait, is this the one that tells you about all the terrible things that are happening in your neighborhood? Yeah, it's basically just giving you the heads up

on the guys that dress like Jack Sparrow that are stealing Coinstar machines from the grocery store. And like, you you know, sometimes should be like there's a guy in a tree with his buck naked holding a machete and she's like, can you go see what he wants? And I'm like, I think a guy tree with his cock out holding a sword at three in the morning already has his night played out babe. But yeah, for sure. I'll step it up and be the man of your dreams. Stacey, how's the love life been? What's it like? Yeah. I was basically like a serial monogamist,

kind of all through high school, college, moving out to LA, and then I was married. I would say my dating career really happened in a two year period between my ex-husband and my now husband. And I got quite a lot done. Which is why I call it gorilla time, which I'll explain when I talk about, when I talk about my bad date. I can't wait to find out more. Oh my goodness. Heather, let's just get going because these stories sound like they're going to be fantastic. Yours is sexily titled Body Oil.

Yes, Body Oil, Baby Oil. It's how I went from being a Southern belle to covered head to toe in baby oil on Canal Street. Okay. So I consensually though, so let's just dive right in. When I moved to New York, I was like fresh out of college. I just moved from the University of Mississippi. So I went from Mississippi to New York City doing comedy. And my mom and I thought it like this guy that I dated in college was a little bit heartbroken about. But I knew I was never going to like move to the coast of Mississippi and like be a brat. Like that was not for me, you know? So I was chasing my dreams with

the big apple. But my mom told me, I was like, Mom, how do I date like, you know, after being in college? She said, go down to basically Wall Street, dress like you're going to the Kentucky Derby and have a map that makes shows that you're lost and just stand outside of Wall Street, dress like you're going to the Kentucky Derby and have a map that shows that you're lost and just stand outside of Wall Street and see if you can pick up a hot finance guy. My mom is still in that age where she's like, the men make all the money kind of vibe. So I'm down on Wall Street.

I feel like I've seen this porno. Yeah, yeah. And I'm down there and I'm literally- Money shot, yeah. Yeah, hair's already blown out. I'm dressed like I'm going to the Kentucky Derby. I'm standing outside of the biggest I'm down there, I'm literally- Money shot, yeah. Yeah, hair's already blown out. I'm dressed like I'm going to the Kentucky Derby. I'm standing outside of like the biggest steakhouse down there, like right at the corner of Wall Street.

And I'm like, I'm so lost. I know what she does at a steakhouse, go on. I am so lost. It's one o'clock. I know they're going to lunch. Like it's a whole vibe. End of meeting this guy anyways. Oh my God, so it works. It fucking works. It works.

I tell all women who are newly single, stand outside of Wall Street if you want to deal with a finance guy or the Delta Sky Club on like a Friday at like 10 a.m. because that's when people are jet setting. Do you know what I mean? You know, in the middle of the week, like a Wednesday, the Sky Club is not going to be as profitable as a Monday morning or a Friday morning. But wait, wait, how do you, okay, but how do you strike the balance of like how to look, because I feel like I'm so poor at this sort of thing,

that I would look like I'd freshly escaped a sort of mental institution. Like I would look, I'm worried that I would overdo the looking lost. Are you just sort of, do you know what I mean? I feel like I'd go full girl interrupted, you know? Yeah, but your accent coming out of a mental institution escaping is like a lot like less, you know,

demonstrative than if I came out and was like, where's the Arby's? You know, like, so I don't think you have a tough time with that. Okay. But I go on a date with this guy and everything I think is just totally fine, right? I'm like, okay, he's a little bit older.

It's fine. I can handle it. He's purchasing everything, takes me to a nice dinner and so we're living it up. We're having a couple drinks, but there's just little like inklings this entire date that I realized he might be a sociopath, right? Just like he kept talking about his trust fund, but he didn't have a good relationship with his family. And that's always kind of a ticker for me. Like, listen, we all have family drama, but there was something about he just kept talking about his trust fund from his step dad. It was his stepdad.

And when anybody ever brings up their stepparent, you know, like, you know, that one girl in high school always had a bad relationship. Her name was Brittany. She always hated her stepmom, Kathy. You know what I mean? And if you do a wellness check on Brittany now, she's not well. Like that bitch is not well. So I started to get a little worried about the trust fund with the stepdad.

So for a second, I'm like, maybe this isn't really his money, you know? Anyways, long story short, I'm like, all right, I have a couple of drinks. He's still pretty cute. I'm like, you know, I'll go back to his place. He lives in this old chocolate factory that was in these like insane apartments in New York. So he had the entire floor, which was this old chocolate factory. So being 22, bright-eyed and bushy-tailed, looking for a sugar daddy, I come up this elevator. Literal sugar daddy in a chocolate factory. In a chocolate factory. I like that.

The doors open and I'm just like, okay, we've made it, we've struggled, we've made it big. We end up, you know, hooking up. Wait, when the doors open, was there any song and dance? Like, welcome, Heather, you're gonna fuck. Do, do, do. Like, when the doors open, was there any song and dance like, welcome Heather, you're gonna fuck. Like this guy doesn't have daddy issues. Like I don't know what. Jews, yes.

It was weird because he had those, what are those candies, the gold ones and they have the hazelnut, the Rocher candy. Brera Rocher. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He did, it was kind of like he was feeding a piglet. Like if you had like bowls of candy out or something, or nuts, like I love a warmed mixed nut.

I'm gonna eat it. And they were just everywhere in this chocolate factory. And I'm just like, wolfing this down. Foaming at the mouth. Yeah, I'm half covered in chocolate. We started hooking up or whatever. It's fine, all right? And you know, he's like, let me give you a massage.

The next thing I know, I've processed this, I've worked through it. I am now covered head to toe in baby oil. There is just a bottle of baby oil on the side of the bed and it's down my hair. It's on my, I'm just covered. What do you mean? Sorry, did you just say the next thing

you know you're covered in? The next thing I know. Yeah, did you pass out for a couple minutes? Was there something in the Ferrero Rocher Heather that we need to discuss off your podcast maybe? Here's the thing, I've processed it. I do think I set myself up for this situation. Like, you know, it was like a heavy petting,

but it was just, no, he said, the next step was, let me rub your shoulders. Okay, they weren't, they weren't roofy almonds. No, no, no, I wasn't like down and then I woke up four hours later. Covered. OK. Covered. Yeah.

So he goes straight for the massage, which I'm like, all right, I'm literally over the couch now. I'm over the couch. And there's just a bottle as big as this Stanley cup is. Are you bent over the couch? Is that what you mean? Bent over the couch. Your knees are on the seat part and then your body is like?

Yes. And I'm like, OK, maybe like, you know, you kind of do like a little roll off the couch. Like maybe we're just trying to get adjusted. He's like, no, no, no, let me rub your shoulders. Then pulls out a giant thing of body oil. To me it was baby oil. You know what I mean? It was, that's what it was to me. Also red flag. If that's just already in the living room. Ding, ding, ding. Where the fuck did that come from? Yeah. We're at high tide. The sharks are fucking out. All of the flags are out. So like chocolates and oils everywhere. Oh, chocolates and oil. But then again, like I took a second,

I was like, all right, this is weird. We're getting a rub down very quickly, quickly. But then I'm looking around, I'm like, but I am in a chocolate factory. You know what I mean? So it was like, in my mind. Yeah. Can't be surprised. Also, was it kind of like sweet charity where you're like, this is how the other half lives? Like, do you know what I mean? Like you're, you're unsure of. I was thinking it's a hard knock life in my mind the whole time. I have a little orphan Annie, she has made it out.

Also, isn't this just like consistent with dating at this stage where you're like, you're given a lot of benefit of the doubt of like, who doesn't have baby oil? This guy's actually prepared. But also I would love it if Heather has taken that through the rest of her life and now she's got baby oil in her living room because she's made a lot of money now.

So this is how the other half. I keep it slick and slippery nowadays. So I'm thinking, I'm with an older man. He is, oh my God, it's about my needs first. So at first I'm into it. But then when the giant bottle of oil, it just starts rushing down my head. It's all over me.

Wait, so he goes head first? He goes above your head and goes through your hair? Is this through your southern blowout? Yeah, and bitch, you know how long I sat in hot rollers. You know, and this is not real blonde. You know what I mean? Like I can already just feel like the phthalates like just stripping my hair.

But it takes a second when somebody puts oil on your head. It takes a second. I just felt it on my back first. It took another like 30 seconds before I feel it rolling down my face. Oh God. Do you think this was his call? Or do you think he had a buddy that was like,

Troy dude, I'm telling you, start at the top, squeeze it, let it cover the fucking head and drip to the toes. It sounds like being gunned at the Nickelodeon Awards. OK, no, I literally it was GAC. And what did they call that? They're like the slime. I was flying with the Nickelodeon Awards. And honestly, the age difference, I'm sure it was like it was fucking creepy.

But again, I keep my eye on the prize. I'm like, all right, this is weird. He's into it. And I was like, oh, it's on my head. Okay, that's enough. And I like awkwardly like try and roll out of it, but then started being a good massage. And here's the thing, if you know this about me, I let anybody rub my shoulders. Like you could be a line cook at Panda Express.

If you got a little cooking oil, you can hit the L7. You know what I mean? I have a bad back. I don't care. I get massages everywhere I go. I will let anybody rub me. So I was kind of into it. Next thing you know though,

full body covered head to toe, every inch, every acrylic nail, everything is covered head to toe in baby oil. I go along with the evening, end up having a fairly decent time, but at about 4 a.m. I'm laying in this man's bed and I'm like, I gotta get the fuck out of here. I look over, he's like in a deep snore,

I realize he's too old for me, like I got to fucking bounce. Would you know what it's like to put on clothes after you've now been covered head to toe in baby oil? It's fucking impossible. Very easy, no? Oh really? Well, you think it's slide right in. Yeah. You think it's slide right in. It's a sticky situation and I'm trying to put my heel. So I'm now I'm walking out of this guy's apartment, trying to catch the elevator without waking him up. And you know, the elevator is going to be.

Is it is your shoe making that sort of, of you know when you put like a wet foot or a freshly moisturized foot into a heel it sounds like a queef every time you step such as like this wet fart like... I am queefing all over the place okay I'm queefing my way to freedom and naturally I stole like you know a handful of the chocolate on my way out so I I go downstairs, it's not like 4.50 in the morning. I've escaped and I realized I got to get home, but there's like no cabs running. Okay. I see one cab sitting in front of this Popeyes.

All right. There's an infamous Popeyes on Canal Street. I bang on the door, my shoes are in my hand. I'm literally slick, covered head to toe, shiny. At no point does this baby oil get taken off. I'm like, listen, dude, I desperately need you to take me. He's like, I'm not running. I'm like, please take me uptown. $40 cash. Take me uptown. He's like, what the fuck are you covered in? I go, don't ask questions. And I slid in the back of this guy's cab, paid him $40 cash and took me back to my apartment.

I had realized at some point I was like, oh, this is it. Like Adam said it earlier, you know, like I picked up, I was like, this is the kink. It is, it's, this has got to be what he does to everybody. And I just couldn't live. He just sort of wants to shag a wet fish. Probably. Yeah. What do we think? Is it an eel? Does he want it to be his eel? Like, probably. And I have really bad eczema so I could already feel the flare up coming. You know what I mean? The skin was getting hot. Did you say that during a, was that some dirty talk?

Hey, my ex must flare it up, take it down or not, you'll be good. Let me tell you right now, that patchy skin behind my ass is gonna get real hot. I always get really confused, because don't you like during sex, do you like sort of slip and slide all over each other? Like, is that quite hazardous, no?

You can't be near an open flame. There's a time and a place for that. Yeah, did he have oil? Guys, he had no oil. What he did was, oh Jesus Christ, when I laid down, he then laid on top and you know what I mean? Oh, a friction thing. It was a friction thing.

Wait, so he used you as like a loofah to sort of rub the oil into him. Yeah, I was a slip and slide, like just a slip and slide. Yes. I wanted to say, like, I think I blocked a lot of it out. The dirty talk was not as alarming because as he was like taking the lube and putting it over every fingertip, I kind of was just like, what is happening here? You know what I mean? Like, I mean, he could have been, you know, saying duck, duck, goose. And I would have been like. At the point at which someone's like lubing up my hands. I'd be like Do you want me to put is this gonna have to go up something like and I did ask at some point

I said like what you know why so wet why so slippery and he was just He just kept saying I'm gonna rub you down. I was like, okay great like just you know Report back to your down. I was like, okay, great. Like just- Did you report back to your mom? I sure did. I sure did. And then my makeup was schmeared everywhere. The hair was wet. And I was like, this can't be attractive for him.

Let me ask you this. If he had suggested, right? And this is where my dude brain goes. And maybe it's premature, but like, if it is too messy, do you suggest like, oh, do you need to shower it off or should we shower it off? Like, is that exciting or is that too early? I definitely think, I mean, at some point-

I don't feel like boundaries are a thing in this case, Adam. Like, he's gone straight from, like, he's poured a bottle of baby oil open, taking the cap off, like not even using the little squirty bit and just poured it down her scalp. Like I don't- But no, Adam, there was never a suggestion to bathe. There was never like, you want to hit the shower? I've got a hot fudge shower in the back of my chocolate factory. Uh, don't, don't, don't forget to take an everlasting godstop on your way

out. Never say yes to a hot fudge shower. Okay. Never ever. Lord. All right. Yeah. We will be back with more bad dates after this. learn all about it on the new podcast, Wiki Hole, from all of us here at Smartless Media. Discover the craziest rabbit holes on Wikipedia with host Darcy Carden and her favorite comedian friends as they bring the cyber frontier directly to your tympanic membrane. And if you listen to Wiki Hole, you'll learn that's the sciency term for eardrum. Wiki Hole is the wild, wild west of Wikipedia. Starting out on one Wikipedia page, they go from link to link to link to link, careening through trivia, oddities and unexpected connections until everyone wonders, how the hell did we get here? Follow WIKIHOLE on the WONDERI app or wherever you get your podcast. You can listen to WIKIHOLE ad free by joining WONDERI plus in the WONDERI app

or on Apple podcasts. And we're back. Okay, Adam, while I still recover from Heather's story, can you please tell me the story behind Plus One? Sure. It's a great tale. It takes us back to Seattle, Washington, where I'm born and raised and we're looking at we're looking at 2009 okay okay I'm about two years into stand-up comedy and I went back one year after the big economic crash great times were exciting put in the timeline thank you that's imperative to the story you need to know that everyone was running on hard times that fuel the plot points even more so. This is your show, clearly.

So everyone's just looking to step out and have a good time. And you know, one of the benefits, and Heather knows this, you're on stage, like it's an immediate icebreaker for people to approach you and, you know, hit you up and great show and whatever. So I'm in that era of getting messages or people coming to shows and whatever. So I'm in that era of getting messages and people coming to shows and whatever. So do the show in Seattle and get a message that night.

Oh, great, great show. Like it was really funny. And I was like, oh, thanks. Did you like my Folgers coffee bit? And yeah, I don't drink that, but it was like, get it. Is it the best part of waking up? And so, what do you wanna, what are you doing tomorrow?

Oh, the shows were done tonight. Love to meet up. So at this place there was a lucky strike, right? Bowling, all that. And so we go down there and meet up and my buddy, my opener was with me and we go down and she's not there for a bit. I was running late, but then she hits me up and goes,

my friends are all there. They're a lot of fun. So, you know, get to know them or whatever. So right out of the gate, again, I'm just like, oh, this is gonna get crazy. Again, like there's no prep for extra people for the escapades, but that's where my head went immediately was just very dude like, oh, dude, this is about to be. What is it like orgy? Is that what you're, but that's where my head went immediately was just very dude like, Oh, dude, it's about, there's about to be.

Is that what you're thinking? That's where my brain went. I was like, Oh, there's gonna be like six supermodel friends who are at the, who are all like looking for bowling tips, all looking for bowling tips, some sort of tip. And they, uh, they were all looking to, to, to have a good time. And so with you, with you, with me, I guess. Yeah.

So that's how it seemed like she was phrasing it. And and so we get there and they're all pretty drunk and pretty annoying. But also, I'm just like, I'm a good people person. And I'm like, you know, she see, you know, from the pick and because I hadn't met her at the show, he just hit me up after. And I, you know, she seemed real sweet and and just again, given benefit of the doubt, I'm like, I want to make a good impression with the friends. I feel like that pays dividends for when she shows up, you're like, he's so nice.

And I'm like, oh yeah. And like, what's, you know, I really admire your long game. All right. Yeah. Sure. Yeah. I mean, I just feel like it's the move in general. Right.

And, uh, so we're hanging out there, they're fine. And, uh, and we're all shooting the shit and, uh, and then it's the move in general, right? And so we're hanging out, they're fine, and we're all shooting the shit. And then she's like, we have a tab, go grab something. So I go and the bartender tells me, hey man, their card, I've told them many times, their card has declined. And I was like, oh, and I was like, well, let me just step up to the plate here

and do the cool guy move. I go, dude, just put them on my car. That's fine. Not thinking it's too much. Wait for it. And so, so then she shows up, the girl that had shot me a message. And, and I was, you know, very pumped

and she's walking through and as she's walking through, you know, very pretty and, and very pregnant. And very pregnant. Oh man, she's rolling to a Lucky Strike slash club with her friends who are fucking hammered, ba-boom, baby full. And so I don't know how you react. I definitely tried to like,

I didn't just go like, ah, baby. Like I just, I probably felt it behind the eyes. I was just, I was like, hey, like how do you, there's no prep for that. You don't just, you can't go, hey, hey. Yeah. So I was a little taken aback and I waited for her to, she goes,

yeah, sorry, I didn't say anything. And I was like, yeah, I couldn't tell from the picture you didn't bring it up. But also how do you bring that up? Like, can I bring my baby? I don't know, like I'm gonna- Yeah, DTW. I don't worry, I'm not gonna be, yeah.

So I'm like all good and she's real sweet. And then she started to, you know, flirt pretty hard. And I'm just, again, now I'm just this kind of middle ground of like, fuck, I don't, like I don't, I immediately go to like, I'm not ready to be a dad. Sure. Which is probably like jumping to dude conclusions, which is a great name for a spinoff pod.

But, but so I'm trying to be like as neutral and fun as possible. And my buddy there is like, pulls me aside and he's like, what the fuck? He's like, dude, a board situation. And I was like, yeah. That's a poor choice of words. We'll be right back. We'll keep it right here. Abort situation and I was like, yeah

So So he's like dude, this is not no bueno like whatever and then I was like dude You're just being a hater and a cock block and he goes dude. She thinks I'm being a cock block She's already pulled me to the side three times and said hey Like can you get the fuck out of here? Like I'm trying to get with Adam and like, and he's my good buddy and we just were having a good time. So we're mixing it up. We're bowling and she's like, he's like, dude, she's like telling me like to fucking bounce like that. I'm getting in the way of like her trying to hook up. And I was like, fuck dude. I don't even know if that is on the table at this point. Like,

well, it's something you've got to wonder. Like is there, where's the dad? You know what I mean? Or you're like, are you together? Like what's happened? Like also, I don't know. There's like, I love that there's an uncertainty here. He's like, Oh, I'm not sure where this is going to go. Like that is, this is iconic. Go on.

I don't know. It's a first time for everything. But like when you haven't, I had never been with a pregnant woman before, so that this was new territory. Right. They're like, Hey, let's go back to my place. You know, and her friends are going to come over. My buddy was talking to one of her friends

and we were like on the fence about even continuing to hang at this point. But, you know, she's like, we got a bunch of weed. My roommate, you know, grows it and we have arcade games at our place and whatever. And we got for whatever. And she just made the night sound like more fun. And I was like, you know what?

Let's at least like keep it rolling. I didn't feel right ending it. And at one point, and this is kind of what she tugged at the hard strings. You also don't want to make a pregnant woman feel like shit, right? Yeah. Bingo.

And so I was like, all right, let's all go back. We go back. First of all, I go close out of the bar, over $300 in drinks. Boom, card from the friends. And just fucking swiped it and was just like, over $300 in drinks, boom, card from the friends. And just fucking swiped it and was just like, I don't need that avocado at Subway.

And so- Babies are expensive. Babies are expensive. Yeah, it's good practice. So we go back to her place and arcade, weed, food. And this is where I titled the story Plus One in multiple ways. You got the baby that was an unexpected plus one.

And her roommate is, dun dun dun dun, her baby daddy. And so he greets me and he was so nice. And we walk in and we're all hanging out. And she was still super flirty and I'm super uncomfortable. And we got high. Is she being flirty in front of him? Oh yeah. And now I'm thinking I'm like on some hidden camera show

or to set up. Now I'm just going into like fuck dude. To catch a predator. Yeah. Oh, 1,000%. Yeah, to catch a baby daddy. And so my buddy is like, dude, I don't like this, whatever. He's like, he does have NBA jams.

Maybe we should play a couple of games and then bounce. So we're kind of all kicking it and getting along. And then we start playing some NBA jam. She's flirting. She's like now taking the flirting from like light petting to heavy petting. Now she's like on my arm. She's like giving me back rubs with no baby oil.

Starting to like neck me and stuff. And now I'm in this position where it's like, we're all there. And the guy, it was almost like, it's cuck holding, right? That's the term where it's like, we're all there. And the guy, it was almost like, it's cuckolding, right? That's the term where it's like, people are like, he's like watching in the corner of his eye almost like, like this was like a part of the plan where it was like, bring me home, do stuff, he's watching.

I'm very turned on. I've never understood that. No, I'm very, I'm very nervous is what I'm gonna say. No, I'm very uncomfortable. And so- But he's into it. Oh, he's very into it. And so then when he and I start playing NBA Jam, and then he just stops one point and goes,

hey dude, like, I really, like, you're a good dude. Like, and gives me like a fucking man to man talk. He goes, he goes, dude, dude, like, like she really digs you. Like, I'm in full support. This is after, by the way way maybe like 80 minutes of hang, right? I don't think this guy knows my last name or my second favorite color and he's already being like, dude, you're my choice. And I look over by the way, my buddy full-on

make out with a couple of the girls. So he's having the time of his life, my opener. And so now by the way, I mean, it's's not a fun group by the sound of things. Not a fun group. Not a fun group. Yeah, yeah. And so now you're thinking to yourself, oh, so Adam, you threw out the Coco thing. Like, was this like, was it just kind of like,

oh, you good guy, date, whatever? No, no, no. Then there was a room where he was like, hey man, whenever you like want to, like fucking. No. Like, a thousand percent. Like tap to him. Whenever, whenever.

Like, yeah. Yeah, like he's like, dude, you got my blessing basically. No. And. Like, yeah. Yeah. Like he's like, you got my blessing, basically. And well, this is a version of an orgy, which is what you thought. Sure. Beginning. Sure. And I was like, hey, man, like, I fucking I got to make my mom breakfast at eight. And I mean, I was like, searching for excuse.

I'm like, I'm in a Halo tournament that's overseas. It starts like the time difference. Like, I fucking there's a Sudoku that I like. Yeah, I told myself I'd finished by the New Year. So I'm just looking for ways to get out of this. How sorry, how many fucking hours were you with all these people? Probably total, like two and a half to three. I will say it was it was a good couple hours into it before, like the door was open

literally and figuratively, to like, hey, there's the pregnant sex room. But it was a silent... I wish you would have done it. I don't know. I wish I would have done it. I'm really sad you did it. I'm sad you did it. Definitely a little bit of like,

man, probably should have done it. Probably should have done it. Not only for him, but I could tell she... Sometimes you just got to get people to please her. Needed it. what a wild girl? I always feel so like amazed and kind of oddly proud of humans when they are so fucking bold and their expectations of strangers Do you know what? I mean that we've just heard two stories of two people who really put their fucking freak out there In a way that I don't know if I would ever have the balls to do.

By the way, let's not skip over the fact that he said weed and NBA jam and I was like, yeah, we'll come over for a little bit. That's all it took. I mean, all in all, it sounds like you had a pretty fantastic night just with like a little bit of quite scary sexual harassment. Sure, picked up a couple fans. Yeah. Yeah.

Couple new followers. Couple of longtime fans. Yeah. Yeah. Couple new followers. Couple of long time fans. Long time fans, yeah. I love that he still messages you. Who will murder you one day? That man is gonna murder you one day. Cause I know who's gonna murder me, but like this guy is eventually, you know.

Yeah, if Adam goes missing, we all know to head straight to his DM. Who did it? Yeah. You know where to go. He did ask me what my liver tasted like, and that was a little, that was kind of like a, Yeah.

That was a joke. All right, we'll let that out. Yeah, I'm so glad that that didn't take a wrong turn and you were able to like pull that shit back and still wingman your friend. What a legend. You're a legend, Adam. Yeah, I stuck around. Yeah, let's not skip over that. He had the time of his life.

All right. He passed away last night. But yeah, well, more bad dates right after this. And we're back. Stacey, you have a story called Gorilla Time. Given what I've heard already today, I now can't imagine where this is going. I know. I'm starting to get nervous that I'm actually the freak in the story, but let's see how it goes. Yeah, so guerrilla time is the time when you're divorced and you basically,

you're not really thinking straight and you just do whatever the fuck you want. So you'll fuck whoever you want, you eat whatever you want, you do things that might not be safe because... You become the embodiment of that like really famous photograph of Nicole Kidman straight after she walked out of her divorce from Tom Cruise. Do you know the one I'm talking about where she's like looking up and her eyes are closed into the sun and her hands are like clenched, her fists are clenched with freedom? Like that's you in that moment. Ultimate freedom. Yeah. Okay. So I'm kind of going through that time and then weirdly my sister was going through a divorce the exact same time as me. So we decided we would meet in New Orleans. All I really wanted was, this is going to sound so quaint, but I just wanted a guy to buy me a drink. Because in my life,

I'd never had a guy buy me a drink and it seemed fun and free and whatever. So we go to this bar and this guy comes up and he starts kind of hitting on my sister and says, can I buy you a drink to her? And I'm there and I say, you can if you buy one for me too, because this is important to me. And I'm not trying to get in the way. I'm not into this guy, but I'm like, I want to fulfill this goal. So he's like, actually I'll buy you a drink,

but you know, my friend's over there. Maybe you should go talk to him. I'm going to talk to your sister. And I'm like, okay, that's fine. So I go and I start chatting with this guy and you have to understand like, when I was in guerrilla time, like if a dude stepped foot in my house, we had sex.

Like there was no, there were no rules. Like there was no, it was on. Like it was- There's the hangover. It's like two year of the hangover. Yeah, it was a two year also because my ex had cheated on me and I was really out for revenge. There were some people I hooked up with that I knew he knew.

So I was like, maybe I'll get back to him. How close? Like a couple degrees. No, no, no, no. Like a friend of a friend. Like a friend of a friend who was a model. So I thought that was extra good. I really want to see the movie of this.

Go on. Oh yeah. I'm working on it. So anyway, I start chatting with the guy. He ends up, we end up hitting it off and I go back with the guy to his hotel and, uh, and we hook up. We don't, we, I think we do everything but have sex and it's getting late and I have a plane to catch.

So I end up doing this like walk of shame through New Orleans, you know, back to the hotel, which again is super exciting for me because I've never done a walk of shame. So I'm like super into it. Like obviously no one knew me, but it felt good. I come home. Can I ask what's your walk of shame?

Like, is there pep in your step? Do you grab like a continental breakfast on the way out? Are you like, like, or are you just like, oh. I was like, this is all like. It's her walk of fame really in this moment. She's loving it. Yeah. Like I got a drink.

I hooked up with a stranger. Like not thinking any of this is unsafe. I have small children at home. I'm just like, I did it guys. Big fan. Yeah. I'm imagining again that someone, you know, I'm being filmed and it's all going to be shown. I was going to say it's your very main main character syndrome. Yeah. Oh, it's all my character energy. Please tell me you looked like into like the security came in the lobby of the hotel before you walked out and went. Yeah, wink. Totally, wink, thumb up.

Right, okay, so then we end up staying and touch me in the sky. And he is like, hey, would you ever wanna hang out again? And he like lives in Minnesota or something, I'm in LA. And I was like, yeah, but like, I don't know how that's gonna work. And he goes, well, what if I came to LA and like, we went away for a weekend. So again, I'm going to do everything. It's guerrilla time. So I'm like, yeah, sure. I'll do that.

It's also a nice review of the first act. You know what I mean? Now someone wants to have a weekend with you. It's like, go, Stacey. Yeah, I was like, okay, this is cool. And again, I'm trying to like get a roster going and all of that. So I say yes and he goes, how about a cruise? No. And that's bad. That is bad. That is the first red flag. Yeah, you lost the crowd.

Okay, go on. Oh yeah, no, no, no, as I should. That's why I'm saying this is where it turns that I'm the freak, but we get on the boat and I bought like nausea bands and anti-nausea bands, which I kept on the entire time. And so we get on the boat. So hot by the way. I was sexy.

I hope you wore them. Oh, the whole time. Well, I never took them off. Wore them in the shower. I'm not risking it. Just sitting there snapping during a blow job. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Hold on. So we get on and we're like, let's go to the room and he starts walking down like flights of stairs and we walked out one flight and

then another flight and then and I'm like, fuck. Now I'm thinking about Titanic because I'm like, we're going. Someone else said like someone someone else put it like to where the Irish go. Like, where? My people, yeah. It's gonna be a lot of table dancing. Yeah. We are literally seven flights down, I don't know. And I'm getting more and more nervous and I'm thinking now

we must be underwater, but we get to our room. We actually, there's like a tiny little window and we, there is, we're just above the water, just above. Like we're the bottom floor. You pass by dolphins playing like backgammon. They're like, what are you doing down here? Right, exactly. There's no light anymore.

So also the room is basically the size of a king bed, the whole room. So there's maybe like a double bed in the room, but the room, so imagine a room that small. And I've now decided to be in this room with a stranger. The bathroom is part of that space. And I'm like, okay, well, I won't be going to the bathroom in here, which I didn't. Well, thankfully it's only a short seven flights up to be able to go somewhere. To get to the lobby bathroom. I think there was an elevator, but I never found it.

So it was, yeah, I would be running out. Oh, is there anything scarier than an elevator on a cruise? I don't wanna do that either, yeah. I don't wanna do that either. Okay, so we start hooking up and literally upon insertion, blood everywhere, just blood. From who? From me, like, I don't know if you're-

Hilarious. You never know. All right, there's a banjo string there. And it's vulnerable. He got a bloody nose immediately. Yes, yes, he was so, yeah. No, no, no, no, no, no. I basically, and it's vulnerable. He got a bloody nose immediately. Yes, yes. He was so, yeah. No, no, no, no, no. I basically, I, and it's like, it is like a crime scene within minutes. And I'm super embarrassed, but thinking, well, maybe he's into it, could be a kink of his. He's not, he's not into it.

No, no, no, no, no. He's just like. He's not into period sex on a Carnival cruise. No, this is insane. This man is crazy. Yeah. Something wrong with him, right? It's not me. Absolutely. Yeah. Fucking freak. Yeah. I bet he loves gas station sandwiches too. Jail immediately. So up until now he seemed like a really cool guy. Yeah. Yeah. Exactly. If he's an expert on the boat, you got to know how to roll with every sort of... Exactly. Wave.

Every wave. Every wave. Including the red wave. Yeah. There are many ways he could have handled it and he didn't. So I take the bloodied sheets off the bed and I sneak into the hallway and I find a housekeeping cart that no one's at and I just shove all the sheets in there,

trying to get rid of the evidence and kind of pretend like that didn't happen. So, yeah, so that was day one. And we basically didn't, we didn't have sex the rest of the time, which was really the only reason to go on the cruise, right, because the rest of it is just gross food and karaoke and we went to Mexico

and they were just trying to sell us, you know, pills that you can't get in America. And yeah, it's basic. Yeah, I would have, I would have stayed for the pills. Immediately turned around. Karaoke, check. You're right, that was a check. You got me. That was a score at least. Yeah, I would have, I would have... A couple of these things are bad examples. Immediately it turned around. Oh sorry, sorry, you're right. You got me. That was a check.

You know what, I think it's because I'm Canadian and I can get them there that it wasn't such a big country. That's got to be. As an English person, it literally sounds like Disney, yeah. Yeah, yeah. It was a carnival. It's your only reason I cruise. It's for the bills.

Yeah, yeah, it was a carnival cruise. Oh, I forgot to add that people were very worried before I went, obviously, because I have... We've all been worried for like 10 minutes and we don't know you. Let me back up. What an amazing detail. I had about 60 text messages day of being like,

don't go, Stace. But you know, my instinct said, I bet he's gonna love period sex. And then we, you know, we get off and then I have to drive them back to the airport. And I don't know why. And this does say a lot about, you know, how I feel about myself, but on the way out,

we stopped at like the cell phone lot. They used to have like this lot near the airport where you could like call to see if your person came. I don't know. We kind of parked there and I gave him a blowjob like on the way out. I just, I just felt like, I don't know. I just was like, yes, this hasn't been great. Okay, Adam's clapping. Adam's growing this decision. I mean, listen, this is all relatable. He almost slept with a pregnant woman

because he felt bad. I ended up covering head to toe with baby oil and you blew this guy at the cell phone lot because you were like. That was for you by the way, that wasn't for him. That was for you to go. This trip was fucking like, you need to prove to yourself. I'm not just period vagina girl.

I'm fucking like, I'm parking lot. Look at me. Look at me. I'll blow you outside the airport girl. Oh, you think this ship wasn't fun? I'll show you. We should have just come to the fucking I I'm parking lot. Look at me. Look at me. I'll blow you outside the airport. I'll blow you out. Oh, you think the ship wasn't fun? I'll show you. We should have just come to the fucking IHOP parking lot like a real adult couple.

Right. We could have done it for free. For free. Yes. Good for your space. That's right. And I crushed it. And I was like.

I bet you did. Good. I did that. I think round of applause for the blow job at the end of a really horrendous three days. You really like took one for the team to secure your legacy there. And while I don't like the fact that he got rewarded for his like slightly weird, stingy, like judgy behavior by getting a great blowjob, I'm happy for you that during your gorilla time, you remained a legend.

Yes. Right, legend. Yes. Right? That was the goal. Guys, I feel like that's how that movie ends. Again, that was for you. That was 100% for you. I can imagine you like, getting out of the car afterwards,

like walking in slow motion, hair like blonde hair blowing in the wind. Like it's a hero's ending. Guys, thank you so much for all of these amazing stories. Try and fuck on land, you know, as much as you can. Yes. Yeah. Keep it on land.

Be a land fucker as much as you can. I also think this is a good lesson for people in relationships now. Right. It's like have a bigger attitude of gratitude for your significant other now. Now that I've heard all these horror stories and the things that we've been through, it's like, I am gonna hug my husband hard tonight and just go, thank you for doing the bare minimum today.

You know? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Well, well done for surviving single life guys. Thank you so much for sharing these stories with me. You're all very brave, very cool people. I really appreciate everyone's yes and approach to live. Mine is very much so, no thank you and so I'm always inspired

to meet people like you. Love it. Thank you. Thank you. You can find ticket information for Heather McMahon's The Comeback Tour on heatherontour.com. Adam Ray appears in Young Rock, Welcome to Chip and Dale's, and you can find tickets for his upcoming shows on adamray.com. And Stacy Traub is a writer and co-executive producer on Daisy Jones and the Six, streaming

on Amazon. Bad Dates is produced by Smartless Media and Wondery. Created by Robert Cohen. Executive producers are Robert Cohen and Jamila Jamil. That's me. Produced by Stuart Bailey. Produced, engineered, and edited by Devin Torrey Bryant. Talent producer is Anne Harris. Associate producer is Maddie McCann.

Music by Cushy and Evan Schletter. Executive producers are Will Arnett, Jason Bateman, and Sean Hayes. Executive producers for Smartlist Media are Richard Coulson and Bernie Kaminsky. If you've had a bad date and you'd like to tell us all about it, our number is 984-265-3283 and our email is baddatespod at gmail.com. We can't wait to hear all about it.

That's all for this week. We will see you next time for listen to Bad Dates early and ad-free on Amazon Music. Download the Amazon Music app today. Or you can listen early and ad-free with Wondery Plus and Apple Podcasts. Before you go, tell us about yourself by completing a short survey at Wondery.com slash survey.