Bad Dates with Jameela Jamil - Re-Release: Other People Soup (w/ Sabrina Wu, Catherine Cohen, and Gavin Crawford)

Episode Date: February 12, 2024

February? No, no. Date-U-Ary! For the next few weeks, please enjoy repeat performances of some of the Bad Dates team's favorite episodes. On this special LIVE episode of Bad Dates from the Just For Laughs Festival in Toronto, Jameela welcomes comedians Sabrina Wu, Catherine Cohen, and Gavin Crawford to discuss their most iconic dating fiascos. Sabrina scratches and scratches but barely gets below the surface, Catherine serves up regretful sex three ways, and Gavin unexpectedly learns his worth. Plus, two audience members offer their stories live. If you’ve had a bad date you’d like to tell us about, our number is 984-265-3283, and our email is [e-mail], we can’t wait to hear all about it.Sabrina Wu: @asabrinawu on InstagramCatherine Cohen: Seek Treatment with Cat & PatGavin Crawford: Because News with Gavin Crawford, Let’s Not Be KiddingSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

I'm Afwa Hirsh. I'm Peter Frankopan. And in our podcast, Legacy, we explore the lives of some of the biggest characters in history. This season, we delve into the life of Michael Gorbachev. This season has everything. It's got political ideology. It's got nuclear Armageddon. It's got love story. It's got betrayal. It's got economic collapse. One ingredient you left out, legacy. Was he someone who helped make the world a better place, saved us all from all of those terrible things, or was he a man who created the problems and the challenges

of many parts of the world today? Those questions about how to think about Gordbacherov, you know, was he unwitting character and history, or was he one who helped forge and frame the world? And it's not necessarily just a question of our making. There is a real-life binary in how his legacy is perceived. In the West, he's considered a hero. And in Russia, it's a bit of a different picture.

So join us on legacy for Mikhail Gorbachev. Hi, I'm Anna. And I'm Emily. We're the hosts of Wanderer's podcast Terribly Famous, a show where we bring you outrageous true stories about our most famous celebrities. And our latest season is all about the one and only Katie Price. You might think you know her, you might have an opinion, but there is way more to the former glamour model than just her cup size.

Yes, this is a woman who's gone from pin up to publishing sensation. We all have teenage dreams and for Katie it was simple, massive fame and everlasting love. I just wanted to kiss a boy. Just one boy. Well, she does kiss a few boys, but there are plenty of bumps along the way. And when I say bumps, I mean terrible boyfriend choices, secret dates with spiky-haired pop stars,

and a tabloid press that wants to tear her apart at every opportunity. And she surprises even herself when suddenly she becomes a role model for a whole new generation of young women who want to be just like her. Want to hear more? Follow Terribly Famous wherever you listen to podcasts, or listen early and ad-free onondery Plus on Apple Podcasts or the Wondery app. Hello, I'm Alice Levine and I am one of the hosts of British Scandal. So I want you to imagine that you're being offered £500,000 to introduce someone to your ex. I mean, the answer is still no. So you shake hands and agree to do it. But it's all about to get a hell of a lot more complicated because the you in this story is Fergie, the Duchess of York, ex-wife of Prince Andrew,

and the person who's offered you half a million pounds is an undercover tabloid reporter who's recorded the whole conversation. Oh, and just one more thing, promise, last one, it's all about to appear on the front page of the news of the world. In the latest season of British Scandal, we take you inside the story of the so-called fake shake, the investigative journalist Mazem Amoud, and the series of explosive

sting operations he used to con public figures, from Fergie to singer Telysa and former England football coach Sven Gorin Ericsson. Follow British Scandal wherever you listen to podcasts or listen early and ad free on Wondry Plus on Apple podcasts or the Wondry app. Honestly, a million pounds and I still wouldn't introduce you to him. And that's for your sake.

Smart. Less. Tsk. Me. Yuh. Hello listeners. I'm Devin Bryant, one of the producers and editors of Bad Dates, and for the next few weeks, we'll be repeating some of our favorite episodes from our first year. In a roundup, we are calling with a straight face, Date You, Erie!

This week's staff pick was one of my favorites. We did three live shows last year, and this was the third in Toronto at the Just For Laughs Festival. We recorded this at the Elgin Theatre, which is one of the more beautiful, restored old cinemas I've ever seen. The people that ran the theatre were even nice enough to take us upstairs to see the Winter Garden, this like linked venue that has thousands and thousands of artificial leaves woven into the ceiling, and the railings is so gorgeous.

We hadn't taken the show out of the country yet, so we weren't sure exactly what to expect, but we got a great lineup of guests and we sold the place out. It was a great night with a couple of really funny audience members sharing their dates too. Sabrina and Gavin and Kat Cohen were all hilarious. The staff were super cool and so helpful at the Elgin.

I loved recording it and I really love how the episode came out. So take a listen to my staff pick for Date You, Aerie, Other People Soup, Bad Dates, live from Toronto. You ready for the host? I can't hear you. You ready for the host? You love her. You know her. So please give it up, Jamila Jamil!

Toronto, hello, are you well? I'm gonna shit my pants, oh my god, there's so many of you here. Ah Anyone on a first date here? No good, I'm glad I'm relieved it would have been a terrible decision Thank you so much for coming. Please give another round of applause to the amazing Dulce Sloan. CHEERING Jesus Christ, when they told me that this is the venue that we were going to do this podcast in, I was like, you're fucking crazy.

There's no way that we're going to be able to sell this out. But then they told me that Canada is by far one of the biggest territories of listeners of this podcast in the world. Well, given how much this podcast is about jizzing and shitting, it means you're a right bunch of filthy bastards, aren't you? And it makes me love you all the more. This is my first time in Canada, and so you are taking my Canadian virginity.

I've already had such a blast. I fucking love you guys so much. And it's also my first time ever at a comedy festival, and obviously I am not a comedian But I'm joined by three very talented ones And so will you please join me in welcoming on stage the fabulous Sabrina Wu Catherine Cohen and Gavin Crawford Hello, how are you? Hi.

I'm electric. Now, anyone who's here hopefully knows this is a podcast about the silliest and most degrading things we've done or seen on the road to love, to shagging or both. Before we get into everyone's stories, I want to know just a little bit about your dating histories. I'm going to start with you, Gavin. Um, uh, my dating history is just back. You don't have to take me through the whole thing. No, it's very history.

Because I think the last time I, I don't think the last time I went on a date, no one on this panel was born. So it was a while ago. I've been with my husband for like 25 years or so. So I haven't gone on a date for romance in a while. Right. But did you enjoy dating when you did it? I think I was probably, I'm probably a fun date because I like to do stuff and go to movies but I also have this problem where I can't read body language or signals at all. I probably am a fun date because I like to do stuff and go to movies,

but I also have this problem where I can't read body language or signals at all. So I would often go out with someone. I have no idea if they're flirting with me. So oftentimes I would just go on a very long date and have a great time with someone. And at the end be like, okay, that was fun. Bye. Yeah. Someone has to be inside me before I realize that they're interested, which that's literally me too. It's incredibly complicated. inside me before I realized that they're interested which that's literally me too is incredibly complicated. I've had things in my mouth and been like I think I like me.

That's when I know. Great. Yeah so I'm not really great with signals. I sort of become like maybe I just am but I get a little specter me at the end of a date and I just, I'm like, is this gonna be like a kissing thing or just like a going home thing? Because I'm good with either, but I'd like to know. Yeah, I feel very much so the same way. And I've mentioned a few times on the podcast to the shock and horror of my guests that I've only ever kissed six people,

not for lack of trying. I was fucking giving out all the vibes. I thought, I'm sorry I did that. I'm very sorry. But I, it was to no avail. But thank you for sharing that with us. Catherine, this is not your first time on the podcast, but welcome back. Thank you for having me back. Wait, first, I'm like, what's the secret to 25 years?

Laziness? Lazy. Laziness. Mutual laziness. That's beautiful. I could have said rimming, but I went with Laziness. Mutual laziness. I could have said rimming, but I went with laziness. That's gorgeous. I too...

Sorry, did you say rimming? No, I said I could have said rimming. Can you describe what lazy rimming is like? I mean, that won't play well on the podcast, but you just lay back and think of England. I think it's a good idea. I think it's a good idea. I mean that won't play well on the podcast but you just lay back and think of England. He's being actively rimmed right now for those of you who are listening.

It's okay. Sorry. So Catherine, how do you feel about dating? Well, I'm currently in a relationship but for many years I was one of the dumbest sluts in New York City. And so it's cool to be here and get to share that with you. Is it a bender or are you collecting stories? That's kind of something I had to ask myself for many years.

Yeah. And so do you feel like you are a fundate? I'm the most fundate. Too fun. Too fun. What does too fun mean? I guess I mean just always drunk and needing to be fucked. Lovely.

More of that in the world. Is that nice and romantic? Yeah. I'm a romantic at heart, though. That's coming across, clearly. I was just actively searching for validation from men for years. Anyone else? Yes!

Let me hear you go. Yes! My therapist is backstage. And Sabrina, what about you? Do you enjoy the world of dating? I seek out the world of dating. Enjoy is tough. I like, genuinely, if someone has sex with me, I'm literally without fail, sort of like,

and you can call me whenever, until the day that you die, to the point, I used to be in this relationship with someone who literally said to me, we had been casual for a year, and she was like, actually, I love you, and I want you to be, you know, like we had been like, casual for like a year and she was like, you know, actually I love you and I want you to be my squirrel friend.

And basically she said squirrel friend cause girlfriend was too scary. And I instead of being like, okay, you actually fuck up. I was like, oh. Like. Like. Like. Like.

Like. And is it okay that I'm going on and on? But you know what? It has paid off because I am in a bit of an unconventional... So I am now in a polycule. Like, I am the hinge in a V, so I'm dating... What is a polycule? Just let me explain. I'm sorry for doing my job.

I mean, okay, so I'm breaking it down for all of you. So I'm like the hinge in a V, so I'm dating two people who are not dating each other. And if you have to put a label on it, I am technically kind of a baller. And... Bad dates. Sabrina, what is starting from scratch? Tell me your stories. Okay, so this great story is it doesn't start right at the date. In fact, I kind of have to justify to you that it was a date at all. But I was like very, I came out in high school as a lesbian like 16, and I was one of the very few people

in my school that were out, and I played a ton of sports. And I obviously had crushes on some of the people that I was playing with, but I would never like, I was like so afraid, I was like, I'm gay, but I'm not like creepy. I'm not gay now. And there's this girl on the team that I had this crush on. And the thing about volleyball, we played volleyball together, is after every point, the girls come together

and spank each other on the butt. It's just sort of like, go, Griffin! And I was always way too like, go Gryphins. Like, and I was always like way too afraid to ever like Spank. Cause I was like, you know, everyone would be like, go Gryphins. I'd be like, and I respect all of you so much. Thank you for being on my team. And then one day someone was like, hey, like,

do you not like Spank Sabrina? And I was like, no, no, I spank. And I do, I spank. And I'm like, I've literally never seen, and it was like the girl that I had a crush on was like, I've literally never seen you spank. Spank me right now. And so then I was like, well, now I feel like

if I don't spank, like it would be gayer. And you know what I mean? Like there was just, I was like, right, so I'm spankier. It's a sports spank. I'm not like feeling her up. So I wind back. I like take steps back. Can I stand up?

I literally was like... And then, okay, so then she actually wailed in pain. And everybody was like, oh my God. But then we, I'm taking way too long, but we then, and then we started this like- You're not, I'm loving this. Okay, as long as you're eating it up. So now we're closer to me and this girl and we start talking and texting and calling and she was straight, she was cognitively dissonant.

And like... Because we would touch each other all the time. You know, high school girls, it was such a thing to be like sit on my lap Let's cuddle and we were like touch and and we would we were having actual dialogue We're like she would touch me and I would touch her and she'd be like this feels weird and I'm like Like before games it got to the point that before games, we were literally like, like over the pants, rubbing each other's clits.

And sh, but just friends. And sh, just two athletes. And you can't play a game of basketball until your clit is the size of a ping pong ball. Okay. So we're rubbing each other's clits and we're just literally going like, this feels so weird. You know, I can't even think right now. Like, I can't think. And then we would like, we would do like, we'd be like, let's try to do long division and like,

and like, like we would look through like, I'd be like, try to find this artist on your iPhone so we can list to a whole, anyway, so. So one day at the courage to be like, you wanna come like, you wanna have like a sleepover, like hang out and that is what I'm considering a date at that point, like, given that we had already like, basically lost our virginities to each other, That is what I'm considering a date at that point. Given that we had already basically

lost our virginities to each other, I was like, will you come over? And she was like, yeah. And so we had our first sleepover, and I honestly, my back just got really itchy. And I was sort of like, oh, can you scratch this part of my back? And she was scratching it, and I was like,

feels amazing. Feels so weird. And she was like, oh, can you scratch my back? And I was like, yeah. And then I'm not even kidding. We literally on and off scratched each other for like 10 hours straight. Like it was literally the morning like an

And basically in the morning I had one point was like well we haven't kissed like I should like say something So I was like oh like you know like my mouth is a little itchy Yeah, fuck yeah, I have two girlfriends now. Okay, my mouth is a little itchy, and she honestly, like, took her hand and just put it in my mouth. And, like, started scratching, LOL. I was like, um, this could mean anything, I guess.

But I, like, yes, and did, and I, so then I put, like, my hand in her mouth, and then why are you groaning? This is a beautiful queer love story. This is the next love Simon. And I'm sorry. And then we're like, we're just like scratching and rubbing and like at one point I'm like even like top of her, but we're not kissing or doing... But there was some grinding... Isn't that my painting a graphic picture for you? So all of that is happening.

And then I hear the words, ball, ball, and I turn to my right, and basically what I see is my 80-year-old immigrant Chinese grandfather watching us. LAUGHTER He had to enter my room room and I was so scared. Like, I was not out to my family. My parents would always tell me if they ever found out your grandparents would die.

Like, they would literally physically have a heart attack. And so I freaked out. I like jumped off this girl's back. I like jumped off her, you don't need, I, wait, okay. We were like, okay, so I jumped off of her. You don't need, I, I, okay, we were like, okay. So I'm off of her. And I'm like, oh my God, like I'm about to be kicked out of this family. But I also was like, what does my grandpa think he just saw?

And so I was like just waiting for him to say something. And then he literally just goes, Sabrina, your grandmother has not pooped in three days. Like, she is so constipated. Like, we need you to, like, go to the store because you drive and, like, buy her, like, some stool softener. He was like, sorry to interrupt. Grandma can't shit. Like, and then he, and I was like, okay, I'll get it.

And then he like just leaves and we've never talked about it to this day. I literally think he was just like, uh, yeah, no, Sabrina's not gay, Sabrina's like eczema or like whatever. And like, and so then he leaves and then it's just me and this girl and she doesn't speak Chinese. So she was like, what just happened? And I was like, oh, my grandma can't poop.

And then she was like, I could see the sexual energy leaving her eyes. So then I was like, no, no, no, no. And then we kept scratching bags. For so, like, and you know when you're, I mean, I don't know, if you're straight, I don't know if you have this equivalent. Like if you just like have like months

of like pent up sexual energy and you've never kissed, you're just rubbing each other, like you're literally in this like time vortex. Like you feel like you're on like Molly. Like it's like insane. And I just, we were scratching and humping and then my grandma busts through the door. And I was like, harmically you're on like Molly, like it's like insane. And I just, we were scratching and humping, and then my grandma busts through the door. And I was like,

harmically I was like, actually I deserve to like be kicked out. Like that woman has not, she busts through the door and I'm like, fuck, like what does she think? And then she literally goes, Sabrina, I have not pooped in five days. And honestly, like, because it was so weird to be scratched, like, you know, because I was in that weird, like, sex space time,

I literally was like, I had to thought, have we been scratching bags for two fucking days? Like, ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Anyways, then I was like, I got you. And then I told her everything that had happened. And she was like, oh, okay, you should go to the pharmacy. And I was like, you know, and I'm gay. And if you ever want to talk to somebody about it. And she literally just goes, oh, I'm not gay. And now she is really happy with her boyfriend

of many years, many years, and I, um, yeah, and I can't call him unless someone else can't shit, so that's great, um, and, um... Um... Yeah, that's sort of, that's sort of my bad date saga. Thanks for having me. That was fucking insane. Also, like, how are you not both red raw within like 20 minutes? What the fuck? I'm just imagining you both completely skinless.

No, literally, that's what I'm saying. Like, do you know how hard it is to take someone seriously when their skin is red raw because your hands have been all over and she's like yeah, I'm not gay Look down like Well, thank you for that no problem no problem Many put their hope in Dr. Serhat. His company was worth half a billion dollars. His research promised groundbreaking treatments for HIV and cancer. Scientists, doctors, renowned experts were saying, genius, genius, genius.

People that knew him were convinced that he saved their life. But the brilliant doctor was hiding a secret. Do not cross this line that was being messaged to us. Do not cross this line. A secret the doctor was desperate to keep. This was a person who was willing to cold-heartedly just lie to people's faces. We're dealing with an international fugitive.

From Wondery, the makers of Over My Dead Body and The Shrink Next Door comes a new season of Doctor Death, Bad Magic. You can listen to Doctor Death, Bad Magic, ad free by subscribing to Wondery Plus in the Wondery app or on Apple podcasts. I love a good pair of social relationship with a celebrity who will probably never know my name. I mean, honestly, who knows? Don't count yourself out.

But my favorite part about these feuds is how they're ignited by the tiniest things. Jada, I love you. G.I. Jane too. Can't wait to see it. I accidentally laminated my brows too much. It starts small and then it gets so big. Hey, Honest Naomi, I'm fearful of you to this day. I don't know her. We all just have to admit, we're addicted. Everybody has opinions, everyone picks sides.

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to get your podcasts. ["Retreat"] Next story is from Catherine. Catherine, you actually have multiple stories that you have relatively titled. I think we can all really relate to this. Regretful sex. Yeah. First of all, that was so beautiful and exquisite

and so pure in some ways. Sweet, yeah. It's really sweet, wholesome story. Love Simon. Love, love. But it's also by the way... It's also what, like, I think a lot of boys and maybe some men think that girls' soccer teams are doing. It's just rubbing each other's clits. Like, you have fully now cemented the idea that that's what's happening in a girl's locker room. Yeah, I'm so happy to be hurting my community. Ha ha ha ha.

Ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. No, it's wholesome. I wish that's what happened in the boys. Um... Ha ha ha ha ha. But it was not the same. Cat, yes, regretful sex, of which I've had a lot, not to brag.

Well, a story came to my mind when I was on my way here, which is that years ago, years ago, I was in Barcelona. And my kind of vibe used to be that if I was in a club-like space, which I haven't been for many years, if I was in a club-like space, I would just look at who the tallest person was, and then I would just go and kind of stand near him and see what happened. You know when you're younger and you're really fucked up and you just start kissing someone,

you're just like, there's no way to know how this started, but we're absolutely kissing. So I was doing that with this guy. No, literally never. So sorry. I was doing that. And then he was like, come back to the VIP section. I'm like, oh my God, VIP.

I'm in Barcelona. This is the sexiest thing that's ever happened to me. He's like, yeah, at the VIP section we got vodka and Red Bull. I was like, best night of my life. So we're sitting there just destroying our bodies and all of a sudden he's like, can I see your feet? Yeah, and I should have obviously been like, bye. But I was like, well, I'm wearing sandals.

So like, there they are. I'm wearing sandals. And then we ended up going into, this is now just like not even charming at all. Hooking up in like a bathroom stall. And then someone who worked there came to be like, get out? And then I went out, we ran out and I went to find him and he disappeared.

So if he's here tonight, I wanna get down on one knee and fully propose. Yeah, that was like a very chaotic time. A few years later, I was like trying to get my act together. I was trying to be academic. So I was reading an article on my phone at the bar. And it was one of those, I really wanted something to happen to me because I was in London and when you're travelling you really, you owe it to yourself to have sex with someone you'll never see again.

Also we go fucking nuts for Americans and England. Oh, I do so well in America, everyone wants me dead. I go to London, they can't get enough, they lap, lap, lap it up. So I'm like reading an article, like wanting something to happen to me, but it's like a Monday night, there's like no one in this bar, and then I swear to you,

in walks like the most beautiful man I've ever seen, and I'm not kidding, he comes up to me and he's like, can I get you a drink? And I'm like, so I'm in a movie right now. Fully in a movie right now. I find out he's a, wanna hear the hottest thing you can ever be? Bisexual model.

He's a bisexual model. Can you imagine? Can you imagine? So we go back to his place and he becomes the first person to ever, I can't believe I'm saying this. I'm gonna say it to you. I'm gonna say it to you.

First person to ever make me squirt. Can I get a yeah? Woo! Yeah! Now this is a real question. Okay, is Squirt P? Yes. Okay, cool.

A bit. A bit. So I'd never done it. And by the way, I am sorry. And by the way, I am a highbrow artist. So if this goes over your head, don't worry about it. But he makes me squirt and I'm like, I'm shocked. I'm shocked.

He goes to the bathroom. I'm like smelling the bed. I'm like, what is this? What is this? It's not more like beer than anything else which sort of is a whole other issue, but... Do we have any gynecologists in the building? I'm like, okay, a bisexual model made me squirt. Has anything better ever happened to anyone? Like I'm the luckiest girl in the world. But then he comes back and he's like, I want to take you to a museum. I'm like, a museum? The Holy Trinity, bisexual model, squirting a museum. The next morning I wake

up and I'm like ready for it. He's like, I'll meet you there. I'm like, yeah, I'm going to go home and get my stuff, whatever. Obviously, I've never heard from him again, never saw him again, never spoke to me again. And it's just crazy that, you know, for years, I was like, will I ever squirt again? And did you? Yeah. Hurray! In a museum.

In a museum, as performance art. Good, Matt, he didn't give you some sort of weird squirt shame. Good for you. There was also a story about stairs. Yes, we discussed. You know, don't you romanticize like hooking up like in a stairwell?

Like, oh my God, no one can see us. Like we're in this sexy stairwell. I once tried to have sex in a stairwell, but I couldn't come standing up because that's not how my body works. So cut to me fully like draped over six stairs. Like, just, my back is like absolutely bruised, it hurts so bad, but I'm like, I'm good, I got!

It's like, at that point is it worth it? The answer is no way, no way. But to be young and in love with the world. The fucking movies, the fucking movies. Sex and a shower. So dangerous. Never worth the payoff. Never worth it. No, and it makes you drier.

Yeah, because it's wet on the outside. It's all the, but everything is the wrong wet. No. Sex and a pool. And we are all doctors up here, so we know that. Thank you. Evidently. That makes me very happy to know that other people don't

like sex in the shower. Right? People try it, and I'm like, what are you doing? Yeah. This is not the time for this. But I'm also like, I'm almost 40. I'm not bouncing back from that. Fuck.

Anymore. I'm not 20 anymore. You know what I mean? This is serious. I have a career, you know? But pool, where else is like shit to have sex that they made it look great in the movie? I mean a car is difficult. Yeah, that's true. Yeah, cars are hard. People, hot tubs make people horny and I don't get it. Oh, no. Oh, the beach.

I'm like, this is other people's soup in places I don't want to be. Oh my God, I'm like other people soup in Never getting a hot tub ever again other people's soup horrible. I Guess like just for anyone who's on on my side. I've been scared to speak up But I like sex in the shower and frankly I would love to have sex with being literally in other people's soup. Like, I would... That sounds actually really hot to me. And I just... If anyone else is with me, I see you. There was at least one other person, so you're not alone. I did not mean to soup shame.

Yeah, apologies. Bad things. Being an actual royal is never about finding your happy ending. But the worst part is, if they step out of line or fall in love with the wrong person, it changes the course of history. I'm Aresha Skidmore-Williams. And I'm Brooke Sifrin.

We've been telling the stories of the rich and famous on the hit Wondery Show, Even the Rich. and talking about the latest celebrity news on Rich and Daily. We're going all over the world on our new show Even the Royals. We'll be diving headfirst into the lives of the world's kings, queens, and all the wannabes in their orbit throughout history. Think succession meets the crown meets real life. We're going to pull back the gilded curtain and show how royal status might be bright and shiny, but it comes at the expense of, well, everything else,

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collide in a game of life and death. Follow Academy on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. You can binge all episodes of Academy early and ad-free right now by joining Wondery Plus. Gavin. Yes. Are you ready? Yeah. Your time is now. Oh no.

Your story is called, How to do gay dating. Is it? Okay. Yeah. I should preface this by saying I came came out very late like when I was like 22 Like you're like very religious and it took me a long time And then it kind of almost instantly got into it like a relationship for like two and a half years And then that broke up because the guy he didn't really like to have sex

And then one night I kind of called him on it and he was like look I really love you and you have a great personality, but I just you're not physically my type After how long? Two and a half years. No. And I was like, OK, I guess we're broken up. And then we broke up. And then very shortly after that,

I was touring with this gay theater company out of Toronto to the UK in this very bad gay play. But I had vowed that I was gonna go to the UK and just sew my wild oats and date everyone and really learn how to like, you know, what was out there and who was out there? Cause he wasted like 22 to 24 and a half. And I was mad and very horny.

And so I was like, yes. What I didn't realize is that, you know, I thought I'm gonna go to the UK and everyone's gonna be like, oh, you I didn't realize is that, you know, I thought I'm going to go to the UK and everyone's going to be like, Oh, you're Canadian. It's so attractive. And, and then I didn't realize that I'm a ginger. And it's the one thing you don't, you don't want to be in the UK. I love a ginger, but you're right. It's difficult. It's hard out there.

This was 96. Right. That was before the time. But so I went there and all the other guys that I was touring with, you know, instantly we would go to the bars and like the first, the guy I was rooming with instantly got this like hot Irish boyfriend the first night and was like, we're going up to Ireland after the tour is over. And I was like not having really any luck.

And so anyways, this is, Dame Judy Dench figures into this in a big way because the sound guy that was doing our show also was working at the National Theater Center and it was when Judy Dench was in A Little Night's Music and he was like, oh, do you wanna come and sit in the sound booth with me and watch A Little Night's Music? And I'm like, I am gay, yes.

I am a gay stereotype, of course I do. And that was in the day part, he was very straight and like, but he was just like, knew I was the day part. He was very straight, but he just knew I was a super gay Sondheim freak. So I'm sitting in the booth with him watching a little of the lights music, and it's amazing. And at the interval, he's like, oh, Dame Jude's needs her battery changed.

Do you want to come with me? And I was like, yes, I do. So we go down to the dressing room, and Judy dents there, and he's changing her battery pack. And she's twinkly eye Judy Denching at me and she's like, how are you enjoying it? And I was like, you're doing great. And then she was like, wait till the second half, that's my big number. And I was like, oh my god, I just talked to Judy Dench.

And I sat through the second act of a little nice music, which is all about people hooking up. And then I think I got like overly confident because I had spoken to Judy Dench. And then I was like, after this is over, I'm gonna do cruising. I'm gonna try cruising, because I had heard about like meeting guys gay cruising and I knew it like kind of involved like either a park

or the water, but I wasn't super sure. For anyone who doesn't know, what's cruising? Cruising is, I don't still really know, but it's just when you like, you know, when gay guys walk around outside and they like make eye contact and then they sort of like be like, oh you want to go home with me and you get together and that's sort of what it is. Sometimes they do it right there, but I was young, I didn't really know. So, you know the National Theatre, it was the big concrete one, and there's like a park behind it that is on the Thames.

Yes, I go there all the time. And it's kind of like a, yeah. And so I thought like, oh, that kind of looks like the docks, and you know, a musical just got out. Surely there's gays down there. Getting a bit jacked the Ripperie, but... Ha ha ha! So I was like, yeah.

And so like, I went down, and I was like, yeah. And so, like, I went down, and I was, like, just wandering around with my backpack, and I had kind of, like, rippie jeans and a hoodie on, and I was just sort of skirting around. And there was a guy, like, that I thought was, like, an old guy, but he was probably, like, 32, maybe. And, you know, he was kind of looking at me, and I was looking at him,

and I didn't really know how to do cruising, so I just eventually walked right up to him was like do you have the time? Only he was like depends the time for what? And I was like, oh And then I was sort of just making small talk and I'm like, oh isn't the view of the Thames lovely? And he's like, yeah, I have a flat just down there. The view's really lovely. Very good English accent.

No best cat. Do you want to come to mine? That they don't say my place, they just say mine. And so then I was like, oh, exciting. I'm going to go to a flat. And so I was like, sure. I love how much you've made this man sound like Sir Ian McKellen.

It actually was. No, it was not. So we were walking there and I'm kind of talking and I'm like, I'm an actor, I'm from Canada and blah blah blah. And he's like, oh I'm in finance and I'm like, oh you have a flat in London. I'm like, oh I'm going to get a rich British boyfriend by the end of this. This is exciting. And so we get to his flat and we kind of go up and we go

inside and it's very nice. It overlooks the river and instantly like he goes right for the belt. Like no talking, nothing. Like it's just like the belt, the pants, out comes the day. Successful cruising. Yeah. And then I'm like, oh, this is great. And just as so, he gets my pants down and like I'm sitting on the couch and then all of a sudden the phone rings and he's like then I'm like, oh, this is great. And just as though he gets my pants down and like I'm sitting on the couch and then all of a sudden the phone rings and he's like, I'm sorry, I have to take this.

And then he gets on the phone and he's like, hello darling. And then he's like having quite a long conversation. Like I'm gonna be like, I know I'm trapped in the city. Are you just lying there, just sausage out? Yeah, and I'm just sitting on the couch like very turgid because I'm like very horny and like young and it's been two and a half years And I don't know whether to like put it back

Or just wait and so I'm trying different poses to be And and me Trying not to like I think I just was like And then I was trying not to eavesdrop on his conversation where he clearly is talking to his wife Where he's like, oh, I'm gonna be in the city for just in a couple nights longer But I'll be back and like love you and darling and kisses and all this kind of stuff. And I'm like, oh, I'm not, I don't know, break up this guy's marriage.

So I still thought we were gonna be a thing. Yeah. And I was, didn't want to be a mistress. So I'm just there with my, and then I'm trying to cover my boner because I don't want his wife to hear. And I think he did actually be like, shh, on the phone. And then he gets off of, he finally gets off the phone and he's like, sorry, that was my sister.

She's very needy. And I was like, sure. And I look on his hand and there was definitely a wedding ring. But he comes back over and then goes right back to business and he pushes me back on the couch. And then I'm like trying to like also make out with him but he's just like no touching. And then I was like okay. And so I just like let him, yeah so I just let him do his thing and not, I don't think. To be honest. I said how was it? Not how long was it?

But it was very good. Sounds like it's great. No, it was very good. He knew what he was doing. He knew his way around a wand. It was a Ian McKellen, yeah. No, but then so yeah, then it finished and then he's like, oh, there's a, I don't know if he said washroom or loo

Or what if there's like a toilet back there? So I went and washed my hands like splash some water on my face and I was like and then I came out of the bathroom And he was just standing at the door with the door open And I thought like oh, are we going out for a drink? And then so I went to the door and then he just took his wallet out and gave me a hundred pounds. Oh! Fuck! And I, I was like, sorry, what? And he was like, for the cab. And then as I started to say, like, no, you don't,

I'm not far, a cab is like four pounds. The whole thing replayed in my mind. And I realized like, I'm like a young guy in rippy jeans and a hoodie hanging around the docks. And I go back and then I was like, did I just be a sex worker? And then I was like, yes. Five, that was $200.

Yeah, that's what I thought. And then I was like in the cab on the way home, like looking at the, and being like, sex workers work. And I could not wait to tell like everybody in the theater company to be like, oh yeah, you may have an Irish boyfriend, but I have $200! Which back then, before inflation, could have bought you a house. Oh, it was more than I was making for the play, that's for sure.

It's also nice to have a price, and also you got paid, isn't it? Do you know what I mean? Like we've all at some point wandered. What is my price? But it's yeah I think that's the most I've ever made. The fact that you got sucked off and then got paid is beyond a dream. Yeah. Unbelievable. Yeah I was like I didn't, I mean I would have probably wanted to do this. I thought this was a bad date. Well, I just thought it was a date. Not at all. Thank you for that. That was fucking amazing.

You should call your ex. You should call your ex and tell him there was $200 worth of sex he was missing out on. He would really, he would feel bad. I feel less confident as I keep speaking. No, I... You also have another story. He should have paid every time. Yeah. Oh, from earlier.

Yeah. None of these stories make me look good. I'm realizing- That's the point of the fucking podcast. It's we make everyone else feel better about themselves. But it's like, sometimes it's like, I feel like I'm the bad dick. Well, this one I definitely am the bad dick. You have $200 dick.

You're doing fine. This is true. I mean, well, you know, it's been marked down So time goes on it's a cost of living crisis It's like wine. Maybe it's more expensive now depends how things age No, the other story is from the very first person I ever dated Took me on a road trip date. We had been out a few times and done it. I was very excited.

I was the first person that I ever had gay sex with. And I was very much in love. But he was quite a lot older than me, like nine years or something. And he was an engineer. We didn't really have that much in common. But after a couple of weeks of dating, he was like, hey, we were in Vancouver. And he was like, do you want to come with me this weekend

to the gay volleyball tournament? And I was like, there, we were in Vancouver and he was like, do you want to come with me this weekend to the gay volleyball tournament? And I was like, there's straight volleyball? That's what I've been saying. No, I don't. There's straight volleyball. I feel like I didn't know it existed, but you're right about that, Sabrina. So I was like, sure.

Yeah, so, you you know it was like Seattle's like a two and a half hour drive And so we got in the car and he had like a little Mazda Miata, which the gays did at that time and We were there and then the whole way there though I realized like maybe we didn't have that much in common because he was playing I don't what the bet What's the band that's like everybody dance now? Yeah, well anyways, what's the band that's like? Everybody dance now. Doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo. Yeah, well anyways, that's a band, and apparently they have a whole album.

It's C&C Music. C&C Music Factory, and they have a whole CD of that, with like two sides. And he played that blasting the whole way to Seattle. So I was like, mm-hmm. Unrepeat? I'm like, this is not a little night's music. So maybe we don't have a lot in common. But so anyways, we went to the volleyball tournament. And the whole deal was like, it was in

this like, school gym, like near a hotel. And there was gay volleyball players from all across America. And my job was to just sit in the bleachers and watch him and his team play volleyball, which was very boring. And also, I was surrounded by hot, gay volleyball players from all across America. And so I'm sitting there watching his team play,

and then of course, a hot volleyball player sits down beside me and is like, hey, and starts chatting. I've seen this porn now. Yeah, and then of course like a hot volleyball player sits down beside me it's like hey and starts chatting. I've seen this corner. Yeah and then I'm like I was just like you know naive and I'm talking to the guy and I'm like well I'm I don't know I'm is there a snack stand around I need to go get some food or something and he's like oh I have cake in my hotel room and I was like okay'll go, yeah, let's go eat your cake. And then we went back to this hotel room, and I wasn't intending on doing things other than eat the cake.

Bullshit. I mean, maybe I was. I didn't know, but then, you know, things started happening, and then we made out, and then I had cake, and then I came back, and then sat at the stand. But then we were there for like three days. then I came back and then sat at the stand But then we were there for like three days and like he was busy playing volleyball and like totally ignoring me

And I kept just going to different guys's hotel rooms And like having all of the sex That I could possibly have and then I made a very big error in judgment because on the day we were supposed to leave, we went down and we were about to get in the Mazumiana. We were packing our car and everything. And I thought, this is really weighing heavy on my heart. I should probably come clean.

No. And then I was like, listen, I should probably tell you, while you were playing volleyball, I sort of like fooled around, like, with a couple of people. And he was like, with who? And I was like, I don't know, maybe a mic? This was one.

And then he's like, that's it. We're broken up. How could you? And then we had to drive back for two and a half hours with angry C&C sound machine playing, like extra loud. And he got in the car, let me out, and then was like, I never want to see you again. How could you? And I'm like, how could I?

That is like putting a gusset's glup in the middle of the chocolate factory. Like I just came out, I had never had sex before, and you sat me in a sea of hot volleyball players who all want to do sex. I don't think this is my fault. I'd like to take a vote please. Who's with Gavin here?

There we go. So what? What I learned on that trip earned me $200 on the next trip. Ah! Ah! I can't believe you told him at the beginning of a drive, you fucking psycho. It's so dumb.

The worst. So mad. Yeah, my older sister was so mad at me because her philosophy is deny, deny, deny. She could be literally like have like robbed money in her head and she's like, nope, this is not me. And somehow she doesn't. So you're just like, I guess you didn't do it. Yeah, Gaslight Gatekeep Girl Boss works every time.

Oh my god, thank you guys for some of the best stories I've ever heard. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Now, I asked this wonderful audience if anyone had some stories to share of their own, and boy did you deliver. I have been asked to read out the stories because people are feeling shy. And so hopefully you're still willing to like stand up and participate. But Ashley are you here? I mean there could be loads of Ashley's but it seems like you know who it is. Hi, I'm thinking. Oh, fuck, there's loads of you. Hi, everyone.

Hi, babes. How are you? Good, how are you? Good. How are you feeling? Feeling great. I'm here. Good. Okay, so I'm going to read the story out for you. You ready? I'm ready.

Okay. So Ashley says, Okay, so I'm gonna read the story out for you. You ready? I'm ready. Okay So Ashley says I matched with a guy online when he made a joke about doing a naked cartwheel We were supposed to meet at a park by my house for a sunset drink But he was one and a half hours late red flag. So we went to his place When we got there Ashley's a legend. So when we got there, he vanished to the washroom and came out as a naked acrobat and did a cartwheel across the room.

This is like a Britney Spears Instagram video. This is like a Britney Spears Instagram video. This is insane. And it was not a big room. He had to be very concise in the cartwheel. So he's planned it before. It's like a shit Ryan Gosling in that dirty dancing moment. Okay, so his cartwheel was apparently 10 out of 10. So not his first rodeo.

And apparently he was hung like King Kong. So, his helicopter was more like a weapon of mass destruction and full flight. Ashley is a writer. Clearly a writer. So, she thought to herself, okay, this is why he wanted to do the cartwheel. He also told her three times how big it was as if she didn't hear it the first time. 9.5 inches. Oh flaccid or hard. I don't think he was he's a show or not a grower so I don't know. It's always there. That's a leg. Yeah. I'm sorry that's a leg. It was a three legged part. That's

too much. Okay. So she says then he sat down on the couch and went for a surprise solo performance and proceeded to jack off. What a keeper! I didn't know what to do, so I just turned into my childhood hero, Barbara Walters, and asked him some hard-hitting questions. LAUGHTER Apparently, he gets turned on

by putting himself in awkward and embarrassing situations. At one point he spread his legs and sat spread eagle with his legs up on the couch so that I had a direct view of his cock and balls and then he said that that was too much. And that he felt exposed. Is it like literally like? Yeah, it was like. That's so awkward. So sorry in front row. And then he felt exposed. Is it like literally like... Yeah, it was like...

That's so also sorry, front row. And then he, yeah. He switched to sidesaddle, so I couldn't see him. Right, sort of a more of a... Yeah. This situation, lovely. An eloquent jet job. Lovely ladylike.

Okay, so he said that he felt too exposed as if you had violated him and went back to his sides idle position. He asked if, so she says, he asked if I wanted to participate in his one-man show and I said no thank you I'm good. His eyes got watery like he was going to cry right before he came on his chest. He then, he then took out a little neatly folded napkin that was in his jean pocket that he had placed beside him. This was clearly a planned event. His

props were right beside him and he knew exactly where that napkin was for tidy time, not tidy time. He then ran to the washroom to put his clothes back on. I called an Uber as soon as possible. I got a text a week later asking for a second date and I declined the encore. Stand up, Ashley. Amazing. Round of applause for Ashley.

Take a bow. Are you sure it wasn't a fringe show? Yeah, this very Cirque du Soleil. It was very, it was interesting. I want to know what hard-hitting question you asked. Oh, I asked a lot. Just went about into his family, his job, whether you're siblings. Oh, well, he's like...

Yeah, and then I was like, so you jack off randomly in front of people? Did you make him cry? I think so. He didn't like it. Well it. There was a little bit of a tear. More of an embarrassed tear, but it was a tear. A tear is a tear. Yeah. She's a lad and she's an icon. She is. Thank you, Ashley. Okay. Any other questions for Ashley? No, we're all clearly very stunned. So next up we have a story from Will. Will are you here? Oh, hello!

Will, hi babes, how are you? Hello, I'm good, how are you? Yeah, good. You're hunching, I can see that you're anxious. Yes. Are you still consenting for me to read your story? Excellent. Okay, so, courageous Will. Are you still consenting for me to read your story? Excellent. Okay.

So, courageous Will. I met this guy at a friend's birthday party and he was super cute. A month later, I ran into him and his friend at a karaoke bar. The friend came to me and said, Davey is into you. Then she went to him and said, Will wants you really bad. Ha, ha, ha, ha. Will is Will. Obviously, you know that. I'm sorry.

Uh... I'm drunk. No, I'm not. Um... No one had said anything to her, so she was really just trying to play matchmaker. A few minutes later, we kissed, and he was so incredibly drunk that right after we kissed,

he threw up on my shoes and spent the rest of the night throwing up and crying about how he always ruins everything. LAUGHTER Oh, bless him! I relate so hard. When I got home, I found him on Facebook and messaged him asking him if he was okay.

It turned out he was okay. He found it lovely that I cared. I found it adorable that he wasn't trying to pretend to be something that he was not. And we've been together for eight years now. Oh! Woo! Woo!

Woo! Woo! They are happily married for five years and they just moved into Canada last year from Round of applause for Will and Derek. I love it when these terrible stories turn into lasting love. It makes me really happy. You've all been a fucking wonderful audience. I was so scared of tonight and you've made this so fun. And thank you so much to our wonderful guests who've told us their stories and to our amazing panellists.

My good God. Before we go, I just want to ask you all where everyone can find you other than right here right now. So Gavin, where can people find your work? You can find me at BecauseNews at cbc.ca, which is a podcast, and also I have a podcast called Let's Not Be Kidding, which is out everywhere you get your podcasts. Amazing.

I have a podcast called Seek Treatment, and thank you, and I'm actually doing shows in Toronto the next four days as part of JFL. So I'd love to see you at the Royal Cinema. Thank you. You can follow me on Instagram at a Sabrina Woo. And then I think because of SAG, I can't talk about other. OK, well, I have not that much going on.

Just follow me on Instagram. Ha ha amazing please stand up take a bow. Good night everyone! Bad dates is produced by smartless media and Wondery. Created by Robert Cohen. Executive producers are Robert Cohen and Jamila Jameel. That's me. Produced by Stuart Bailey. Produced, engineered and edited by Devon Torrey Bryant. Talent producer is Ann Harris.

Associate producer is Maddie McCann. Music by Cushy and Evan Schletter. Executive producers are Will Arnett, Jason Bateman, and Sean Hayes. Executive producers for SmartList Media are Richard Cawson and Bernie Kaminski. If you've had a bad date and you'd like to tell us all about it,

our number is 984-265-3283, and our email is baddatespod at gmail.com. We can't wait to hear all about it. That's all for this week. We will see you next time for more Bad Dates. Excuse me. Start. Last.

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