Bad Dates with Jameela Jamil - Re-Release: Prime Ho Days (w/ Amy Miller, Phoebe Robinson, and Sam Richardson)

Episode Date: March 4, 2024

February? No, no. Date-U-Ary! For the next few weeks, please enjoy repeat performances of some of the Bad Dates team's favorite episodes.On this episode of Bad Dates, Jameela welcomes comedians Amy Miller, Phoebe Robinson, and Sam Richardson to discuss their most iconic dating fiascos. Amy’s date is a walking red flag who wants the weight of the world on his shoulders, Phoebe receives unsolicited career advice, and Sam loses it in the front seat. If you’ve had a bad date you’d like to tell us about, our number is 984-265-3283, and our email is [e-mail], we can’t wait to hear all about it.Amy Miller: @amymillercomedy on social media, https://www.amymillercomedy.com/Phoebe Robinson: @dopequeenpheebs on social media, https://www.phoeberobinson.com/Sam Richardson: @thesamrichardson on social mediaSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Hi, I'm Anna. And I'm Emily. We're the hosts of Wanderer's podcast Terribly Famous, a show where we bring you outrageous true stories about our most famous celebrities. And our latest season is all about the one and only Katie Price. You might think you know her, you might have an opinion,

but there is way more to the former glamour model than just her cup size. Yes, this is a woman who's gone from pin up to publishing sensation. We all have teenage dreams and for Katie it was simple, massive fame and everlasting love. I just wanted to kiss a boy.

Just one boy. Well, she does kiss a few boys but there are plenty of bumps along the way and when I say bumps, I mean terrible boyfriend choices, secret dates with spiky-haired pop stars and a tabloid press that wants to tear her apart at every opportunity. And she surprises even herself when suddenly she becomes a role model for a whole new generation

of young women who want to be just like her. Want to hear more? Follow Terribly Famous wherever you listen to podcasts, or listen early and add free on Wondery Plus on Apple Podcasts or the Wondery App. podcasts or listen early and add free on Wondery Plus on Apple Podcasts or the Wondery App. I'm Afwa Hirsh. I'm Peter Francopern. And in our podcast, Legacy, we explore the lives of some of the biggest characters in history. This season, we delve into the life of Mikhail Gorbachev. This season has everything. It's got political ideology. It's got nuclear armageddon. It's got love story. It's got betrayal. It's got economic collapse. One ingredient that you left out, legacy. Was he someone who helped make the world a better place, saved us all from all of those terrible things? Or was he about who created

the problems and the challenges of many parts of the world today? Those questions about how to think about Gorbachev, you know, was he unwitting character in history or was he one who helped forge and frame the world? And it's not necessarily just a question of our making, there is a real life binary in how his legacy is perceived. In the West he's considered a hero and in Russia it's a bit of a different picture. So join us on Legacy for Mikhail Gorbachev. Hello, I am Alice Levine and I am one of the hosts of Wondry's podcast British Scandal. On our latest series The Race to Ruin, we tell the story of a British man who took part in the first ever round-the-world sailing race. Good on, I hear you say, but there is a problem,

as there always is in this show. The man in question hadn't actually sailed before. Oh, and his boat wasn't sea worthy. Oh, and also tiny little detail, almost didn't mention it. He bet his family home on making it to the finish line. Wattenseud was one of the most complex cheating plots in British sporting history. To find out the full story, follow British Scandal wherever you listen to podcasts, or listen early and add free on Wondry

Plus on Apple Podcasts or the Wondry app. Bless me on. Hello listeners. I'm Stuart Bailey, a producer on Bad Dates. Before we get to this week's episode, please indulge me a moment to share a quick congratulations to our staff. We were nominated as best comedy at the podcast awards known as the Ambies. As my son would say, what the H? Quick thanks to our team in alphabetical order, Devon Bryant, Robert Cohen, Tommy Galgano,

Ann Harris, Jamila Jamil, Bernie Kaminski, Richard Corson, Maddie McCann, and Kyle McGraw. This week's episode is one of my absolute favorites, featuring Amy Miller, Phoebe Robinson, and Sam Richardson. Amy shares a romantic misfire story about a first date with a guy who wants to know which white people should be allowed to use the N-word.

He then proceeds to circle around her in an impromptu N-word dance. It was only at that part of her story that Amy truly felt what it was like to be the only white person on the show and just exactly how that hits different. Please enjoy the hilarity and supreme awkwardness of this episode and thanks for listening.

Even writing my profile was like a nightmare because I'm like, well, I'm not trying to be like, oh, I'm a DJ and I'm like this, but most of like, I don't take it too seriously, but I do take it seriously. I'm finding this all very charming. Yeah, this is so cute. Everyone's turned on Sam.

Well done. Everyone's drenched. Everyone is sliding out of their chairs. That's why I didn't wear the pants. I'm just sitting on top of a bucket. It is Six Flags amusement park. It's actually actually harassing Sam now. But Sam, I feel you.

Ad-dates. Bad dates. Bad dates. Bad dates. Bad dates. Bad dates. Bad dates. Sam, Phoebe, Amy, hello, welcome to Bad Dates. Hello. Hi. I think you're all so funny, I'm so happy that you're here.

I'm so excited to learn all about your genitals. What? That just popped right out. I don't know where that came from. Who said that? That was really weird. That's exactly why I'm here. Yeah.

I mean, I didn't wear pants, so I'm technically prepared, but. Yeah. That's great. Thank you so much for reading the instructions properly, Amy. Okay, guys, this is a podcast about our serious dating moments.

I'm dying to get into your stories, but before I do, I just wanna know how each of you feel about the world of dating. So Sam, I'm gonna start with you. How do you feel about dating? Do you enjoy it? Are you good at it? Do you feel like they have a nice time?

Well, I'm not in the world of dating anymore. And I was very uncomfortable in it. That's not true. Like, half time I loved it, half the time I just didn't like the new part of dating. Like, once you were in it, then it was like, it was great. But like, I get really nervous and like, you know, I build things up too much. And I try and like do math too much. And so it was always like, uh, trying to plan out like, oh, if I say this, do math too much? And so it was always like, It's like, trying to plan out like, oh, if I say this, then that leads to four different possibilities of this going on.

But then like, if I said that, did I close this door to that, or did I make this statement that I don't fully believe because I was like, it's like, I do too much. Oh, you live in your head, a beautiful mind. I live in my head. That's more stressful than like, that's like hearing do too much. You live in your head, a beautiful mind. I live in my head. That's more stressful than like, that's like hearing about the Jimmy Fallon pre-interview

before you go on, like you get a play by play. Everything happens. That's so intense. It's really, truly. But I think that's a deeply, deeply relatable answer. And I think that like, that's something that we all do where we tailor, we slightly kind of, we get a rough vibe from someone's Instagram

As to what they're like and we can't help but sociopathically tailor ourselves slightly to what they might be more interested in because really we're just used car salesman At the start of every interaction with people just like no the mileage is fantastic Yeah, no never has any problems and then slowly we like that smell is actually really good but has any problems. And then slowly we like to- That smell is actually really good. Well, that's talk about. For sure. That's talk about.

Phoebe, how do you feel about the world of dating? I mean, I feel like we went on a dinner date last night and I was ready to go home with you. I think at one point I even offered to sleep with you. No, wait, that sounds wrong. But last night we went out for dinner and I feel like that felt kind of like a date, not to get too much in my head.

And I mean, I would love to date you. I think you're very, very dateable. Do you enjoy dating? Cause I feel like you'd be a great fucking date. You know, I'm becoming less of a hopeless romantic because I think I was too, like, you know, stars in my eyes and, you know, I meet a guy that is hit by movies. Yeah.

And I'm like, okay, let's like look up our compatibility based on our like the zodiac signs. Like I was doing all that goofy shit. I think now that I am 38 and I'm single, I, I know really what I want. I think for real. Um, so I definitely want someone older. really what I want, I think for real. So I definitely want someone older. The issue is guys my age are not really sort of dazzled

by me, but like the like- 80 year olds. The 50, no, no, the fifth, I will say the fit like the late 40s to like early 60s, completely charmed by me. It's so ridiculous. Like I feel like I'm big with geriatrics. like early 60s, completely charmed by me. It's so ridiculous. Like I feel like I'm big with geriatrics.

I feel like that's where, where it's just like, they're not looking for sex appeal anymore. You know what I mean? They've got low T, they just want to spend a nice cup of tea with someone. I feel like that's my vibe. So yeah, if I ever become single again, and if you meet someone 20 years older than me,

if you could set me up with his dad, that would be fantastic. Also a mum, I'll take a mum, love a mum, mum's love me. Amy, hello. Hi. Hi. I'm so happy to be meeting you. So tell me, tell me how you feel about the world of dating. Are you in it currently? You know, I'm not and by accident and I'm kind of pissed off because I tried. So I don't miss it when I'm not in it.

But I also like, I do find it interesting when I'm doing it like hilarious. It's just like such a ridiculous experience all the time. You just, you just meet people that are like a cliche of a bad man and you just like laugh in their face because you're like, do you even hear yourself? Like, um, but I try, I was in a long relationship and then I was only single for about a year and a half. And then I went on Tinder just to fuck. And then now I have a boyfriend and he's the best and I hate it.

And I have the opposite problem, by the way. I don't think geriatrics are interested in me for romance. I do get much younger men. Which he is 11 years younger than me. Okay, I'm really glad you said 11 years younger than you. I thought for a minute I was like, hmm, the 12 year olds. He's gonna be 12 soon, so I feel like it's honestly fine.

11 and a half. If Dane Cook can do it, we'll announce our relationship in nine years, you know? But I, because he's at the lowest age that I set for hooking up, you know what I mean? And I wouldn't have necessarily chosen to date that young, but it just wasn't it was.

I feel like the only way he found you, Amy, is if you put your age range down to that number. So I need you to calm down. We both had in our profiles not looking for anything serious, and then immediately became serious. Yeah. And he is wonderful. We'll probably get married.

It's sick. I hate the whole thing. I was going to like be a slut again for a while. And James, who's my current boyfriend, who I've been with for eight and a half years, was my rebound shag from the relationship. I'm absolutely, like, I keep, we keep discussing the fact that we're both still

each other's rebound. It's just a very long rebounding situation. Yes, it was for him too. And I think if we never get married, we can always be each other's rebound, which I find personally very... Spicy. It's very spicy. I love that. Bad dates.

Amy then I want to get into your story it's called Vodka Water. Yes. Can you tell me what happened? Well, most of my bad dating stories take place in the same time period when I fucked up really bad and accidentally lived in Portland, Oregon for three years. Whoops. Yeah, don't recommend it. Not whatever.

They'll come for me. They always come for me. But it's always people that also moved to Portland 10 years ago So I don't care It's a beautiful city, but you should visit it and then go back to another place But it's just like because I was doing updating and it is this brand of like very I Don't know Phoebe you've spent a little time in the Pacific Northwest it's like very like just soggy white men, like just,

where? Oh, like English men. Yeah. Maybe so. No, because it is the weather, right? The weather sort of soaks through your sort of charisma sometimes for English people, not just English men. I've got it.

It is similarly white in a way that like they don't even have Jews. You know what I mean? Like that's, that's troublesome. Every time I go there, every lawn has like a Black Lives Matter, like little lanyard or whatever. I'm like, there's no Black people in this neighborhood. It's purely theoretical. It's just a theory.

Yeah. Exactly. They will touch your hair because they have the sign. Exactly. Because they love it so much. Well, it's beautiful. Oh, my God. OK. Thank you for setting the scene.

I feel like I can, I feel like I get it now. Like, and a lot of men who would like only date like a plus size woman in secret and then we're just like, I want to like see you all the time and talk to you every day and have sex with you. But can't you can't be my public girlfriend. Oh, good God. That kind of thing.

I'm like, oh, what are the other guys in your bike gang going to find out? It's a bicycle gang. Just to be clear, it's an it's an artisan, like artisan or like old a bicycle gang. Just to be clear, it's an artisan, like artisanal, like old, antique bicycle gang. Curly handles. I'm like, you have nothing. I just happen to be plus size, but killing it. Anyway. So I went on the apps and just I responded to this guy because he had a very direct approach. Like he seemed cute and normal and he literally was just like, hey, you're hot.

Like, can I take you on a date? Which is like, good, you know? It's like right out front, but not creepy. And it's like, you know what? I agree, I am hot. I forgot living in this horrible fucking place. A fake good people. Yeah.

So we at first meet, you know, in a neutral place for a drink, of course, because you've got to make sure if we're going to a second location that he's not scary. So we meet up and I was a little bit put off by his drink order, which was vodka water. I was like, okay, wild. So you like want to get drunk as fast as possible. Yeah, he's a murderer. Yes. So you can just down it, I guess. Trying to get get drunk as fast as possible. Yeah, he's a murderer. Yes, so you can just down it, I guess? Trying to get as drunk as possible as quick as you can.

Right. He's a professional alcoholic. Oh, yeah, no, Sam's actually lit up like a Christmas tree. Oh, now I know about this. You know that Bhatta is rushing for water? So in Russia, that's a water, water. Oh, God, so a room temp watered down vodka. Okay, yeah, red black. Go on.

But you know, we chat, we hang out, I'm like, he seems safe enough to go to a second location. We were going to go to a movie, which also I would never do on a date now. That's like psychotic young people shit. Like getting yourself into an automatic two hour affair is not a good idea. But we get into his truck to drive to the movies. He reaches behind my seat and pulls out a full bottle of vodka that it's his car vodka. No.

So he's prepared. There's a voice down. No water this time. Yeah, he's prepared. So he's just no water this time. Yeah, he's prepared. So he's just like slamming this bottle of Smirnoff while driving to the movies. And I'm like, okay, red flag, red flag. What movie did you guys go with movie?

We were going to see Back to the Future. That's a great date movie. Yeah, and like this old like art house theater, it's Portland. Of course we were going to see Back to the theater on a Tuesday night. Yeah, 100%. Went to the movie, it was fine, we did some hand holding. I did feel attracted to him, but the whole time I was like,

something is off. But at that point I'm like, oh. Do you think it could have been rampant drink driving or no, something else? I mean, yeah, that's so sad. It was a stuff who got feeling. That's like, the bar is so low in Portland, like it's in hell, that I was like,

well that's normal for here having a car vodka. Fine. I just hope nothing else comes up of concern. But I do feel, I think I'm also just attracted to him cause he's being like direct and kind of forward but not in a scary way and just being like, you're cute and funny, you know? It's like, how hard is that shit to say it loud?

So I do end up taking him back to my home. Of course, these were like prime ho days too. So it was just like, whatever, if you're not gonna kill me, like, let's do it. But I didn't wanna have all the way sex, so because I still have that just like, something's off. Does that mean just the tip, or is that? Oral and the strangest blowjob I've ever given in my life,

because he requested to be standing on the bed with his hands on the ceiling. No. This is first date. First date. And wide with his hands on the ceiling. It's just what he wanted to do. He wanted to have his hands on the ceiling

because he wanted to feel like he was holding the house up while he was getting blown. It's a real powerhouse. So intense. Amen. It's a real power. So intense. Amen. It's like an incredible Hulk blowjob. Yes. But listen, in my former life, yeah,

I was here to please men and I was like, I like shit that I've never seen before. That's funny, you know? Yeah. It wasn't a bad time, but I specifically was like, I'm not having all the way sex with this man because like something is deeply wrong with him, but he is kind of hot to me still.

And then we're just kind of hanging out after the He-Man blow jobs finish. And he had his arms up the whole time. Like I'm actually impressed by that upper body strength because it's real. That's like, Baby, he's not actually holding the house up. No, we had a roof. No, but to hold your arms over your head for like 10 minutes, right? Yeah, that's true. That's why I don't

have my hair anymore. I can't keep my arms up. I think he had done it before and maybe he was, you know, those muscles were built. He had practice. Yeah. Oh yeah, what are those side ones? Oblique traps. Is that what it's called? Oblique, yeah, his traps and obliques were firm. He's held up many chubby women's homes before. But then we're just kind of like watching TV and he wants to talk about comedy, which I'm like, oh good

Can't wait for this Always the worst as Phoebe knows there's always some like I've been thinking about get I'm pretty funny I'm gonna get into it too. So I was waiting for that, but he didn't that's not where he went He said he wanted to talk about Louis CK and He was like, oh, I think he's so great and then just out of nowhere. He was like, oh, I think he's so great. And then just out of nowhere, he was like, what do you think about him saying the N-word? And I was like, not good. What if I was like, I love it.

I'm... They're game. That's my favorite part. That's the end of the story, guys. Um, by the way, they didn't tell me who was on the show when I pitched this story. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I love it. I love being trapped. So I'm like, I think it sucks. I think he doesn't. He shouldn't, you know. She thought all of the correct things that someone is supposed to think went out that question. So far, so good. You don't need to keep telling us your answer.

Yeah, just... He wasn't hearing me though. That was the thing. He was pushing back and was just, you know, started into this really fun, like, what about free speech thing? And then he was like, I think anyone should be allowed to say it in their comedy, but then he says it. He says the word hard R. And I was like, Oh, oh, you can't say that in my house. So you have to leave now.

And he was like, are you fucking serious? And I was like, Oh yeah, you have to leave. We did the weird blow job already. Like we're done. We're done. But wait, how's your ceiling going to stay up? With the residual racism? Yeah.

It was being held up by my white gil. It was so heavy. So I'm like, yeah, you just have to leave. And he then starts to jump around the room in a little dance, just saying the N word over and over and over with a heart. Oh, that is the most Portland shit I have ever heard in my life. I bet he's got a BLM sign outside his front door as well. Oh, he absolutely does not.

He's on his window. 100 fucking percent. Ah. No, Jamila, because this is an Oregon native, and those are the scariest ones. And they're in that dangerous situation of thinking that they're better than other Americans. So, yeah, and the dance is like hilarious because you're a full grown man half dressed, like just in boxers, like doing like a cartoon dance around me. And like we have the fire going out of fireplace at the time, it was a nice life up there.

And I'm like, you have to leave, I'm going to like get my neighbor down here, I'm gonna call the cops, something like, because now I'm afraid because he's a psycho. And he, um, he finally leaps. But before he puts on his clothes and he goes to leave, he did this naked guys. He did this naked. Yes. Go on. Just your standard naked and work dance. Um, but before he leaves, he goes into my fridge and takes several items from my fridge, like

a six pack of beer and some cheese. Like he does a little shop. This is one of the most unhinged things I've ever heard. He's getting his money's worth. Yeah. And it was all like in defensive comedy somehow, which is my favorite thing. Oh yeah, I hope his career is going really well.

I'm sure he's killing it wherever he is. Did he ever get into it? No, no, he's for sure dead by now, you guys, come on. Yeah, but yeah, almost. He's not dead, he's in jail from four DUIs. He's at least had one nice final meal straight from Amy's fridge. That story was fucking insane. My god.

What is the lesson from that? Just listen to your instincts. Clearly, this was boiling below the surface the whole time. And then a couple of vodka waters later, he just literally couldn't keep it inside his body. He had to say it as many times as possible. I actually was gonna say it today if you guys weren't here, because that's what the producer told me I had to.

He said that's what Jimmy listenedela's into on her podcast, but just out of respect. Amy, I did not put this podcast into care. Okay. That story was fucking phenomenal, and I'm very sorry you had to go through that, and no wonder you are dating children now. I completely understand you have my full support

and solidarity. Thanks, yeah. We'll be right back. Bad AIDS. Today, hip hop dominates pop culture. But it wasn't always like that. And to tell the story of how that changed, I want to take you back to a very special year in rap.

88, it was too much good music. The world was on fire. I'm Will Smith. This is Class of 88, my new podcast about the moments, albums and artists that inspired a sonic revolution and secured 1988 as one of hip hop's most important years. We'll talk to the people who were there. And most of all, we'll bring you some amazing stories. You know what my biggest memory from that tour is? It was your birthday. Yes, and you brought me to Shaday. Shaday.

Life-sized, hard-work cut-out. This is Class of 88, the story of a year that changed hip hop. Follow Class of 88 on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. Hey listener, it's Sean Hayes. Do you know when Crystal Pepsi was discontinued or what was in Al Capone's vault? If not, then you haven't spent enough time on Wikipedia,

but that's okay because you can learn all about it on the new podcast, Wiki Hole, from all of us here at SmartList Media. Discover the craziest rabbit holes on Wikipedia with host Darcy Cardin and her favorite comedian friends as they bring the cyber frontier directly to your tympanic membrane. And if you listen to Wickey Hole,

you'd learn that's the sciencey term for eardrum. Wickey Hole is the wild, wild west of Wikipedia. Starting out on one Wikipedia page, they go from link to link to link to link, careening through trivia, odditiesities and unexpected connections until everyone wonders, how the hell did we get here? Follow Wickey Hole on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcast. You can listen to Wickey Hole ad free by joining Wondery Plus in the Wondery app or on Apple And we're back. So Phoebe, your story is called Not All Teachers Are Heroes. And I'm dying to hear and I'm sure so are all of the teachers.

Okay, I just want to say I'm not crying. It's just that my allergies are so bad. I'm sorry. Yeah, this was when I was back on the streets. And so I met this guy. He lived in Philly, which is that a red flag? Yeah, I think so. I don't know.

I mean, I feel like Quinta Bronson's on a very good job at making Philly look fan fucking castig. That's true. But this was this was pre-Quinta, you know what I mean? Right. This is pretty Abba Elementary. This was just like, they had Rocky and, you know, the Crackbell. Don't forget those cheese sticks.

Yeah, correct. No, I kid I kid I like Philly. Um, so, you know, I'm in the comedy for probably six, seven years at this point. When I first started doing standup, I was sort of dating comics like on my level and it was just like, why am I dating comics? So just be like these relationships that were fizzle all after two or three months. So I was like, oh my God, he's a teacher. This is like such a step in the right direction. So we have been like, this is back when people were using gchat. I feel so fucking ancient.

I'm with you. Gchat is the pigeon carrier of all. It is, but we would like gchat all the time and it was like so nice. It would like be the bright part of like my day and it was like so fun, adorable. And then we like started talking on the phone, it was just like really nice. And then, you know, we would decide to meet up in person and like go on a date with Manhattan. You know, I had like my finest like sort of like cute outfit from H&M. Like I really had no money, but I was trying to look cute. And

dinner was nice, but there was kind of like, you know, I think those moments when, especially if you're a straight woman who's on a date with a guy where he just wants to present himself as like an authority and you're like, I didn't ask for this. In what way? You know, you know what you should do? You should try SNL. Oh, that's a good idea. And it looks like that is so, I had never thought of that. Like someone's grandma. Yeah, why aren't you fucking G chat more Michaels and see if I could get on their shitty fucking contracts for 13 weeks.

I think there's so much for that. You're at him. That's what we call a macro view. You see, he saw the outside story and then said, you know what you need to do. See, so teachers can't. And you're like, I actually know too much. Yeah.

He was just like trying to guide me in the right direction, which at the time, that's when I should have left. But I was like, no, like we're really hitting off and we're having a good time. And I think that's okay. So then we go back to my apartment and I live alone. I was very excited. This is my first time ever living alone. So I put on, you know,

the timeless classic romantic film, Wedding Crashers. The vibe. The vibe. The vibe. Sets him the vibe, honey. Dicks were getting hard. During the Will Ferrell scene, he's like, he was on SNL and I really think it helped him. He's like, see that could be no. So I watched the movie, we're laughing and it's like, it's good.

Like it's such a good fun vibe. You know, we started making up, blah, blah, blah. So we have sex. Um, and it was, it was great. It was fine. You know, like it was good. And then afterwards we're just hanging out chatting and he was like, you know, like it was good. And then afterwards we're just hanging out chatting and he was like, you know, there's some exercises you can do to tone up your thigh.

Hey, grumbos. Oh my God. I like to watch Sam slowly just go like, I might be the best man in the world. Yeah. You are. You're starting to glow now, Sam. No, you haven't heard my story yet, so.

This was just like apropos of nothing. So apropos, it's the most apropos of nothing in the history of apropos of nothing. And so he like jumps out of bed bed like throws on a pair of boxers and he starts demonstrating the exercises. Oh my God! Why is everyone so much? Like truly doing lunges, side lunges, fucking sumo squats. He should try a ceiling hand.

It's really effective. Yeah. Well, upper body. Yeah. And at that point, I'm literally floating outside of my body. I mean, you goofy, fucking bitch. Maya Angelou didn't do all this work for you to be going through this.

Like, so fucking, I was so shocked because I was just like, that's not a thing like anyone would ever do. You go like, the sex was good. Like you fucking end it. Like why are you like undoing that? And so I was just like so confused. I was like, this is so insane.

Yeah, like he thinks he's Simon Cowell at the end of your audition. This is insane. Except he already sent you to Hollywood. And now he's like, by the way. I know. Yeah, that is traditionally when Simon starts to eat his sword. And the people go,

Yes. Men are just, for whatever reason, I mean, I think he sounds like a specific breed of prick. Yes. I mean, because Sam's nodding like, I would never say that to you Phoebe. I think you guys are fantastic. Sam's in a good mood. I mean, I think he's a good person. I mean, I think he's a good person. I mean, I think he's a good person. I mean, I think he's a good person.

I mean, I think he's a good person. I mean, I think he's a good person. I mean, I think he's a good person. I mean, because Sam's nodding like, I would never say that to you Phoebe. I think your thighs are fantastic. Sam's in it. Thank you. I'm like, every thigh is a perfect thigh. Yeah, exactly.

When he was hard, when he was between them, so fuck off. Exactly, yeah. And so I just let him come back into bed and then be like went to sleep. And then the next morning I was like, oh, I got some stuff to do, so you should go. But it was just such a thing, like I wish I could not go back to that time because I don't want to go back to that time.

But I really- Did you lie awake thinking of all the different exercises you could have recommended to him to try to lengthen his dick or something? Yeah. I closed his mouth. Just sent him a bunch of devices that can be used. Just from the east, where they make those devices.

Just a little penis pump, you know? Yeah, exactly. Just be like, you know, there are operations to be... You know, for that sort of thing. I think that would... I mean, I would lie awake all night, paralyzed with all the things that I wish I'd said in that moment, but I completely understand the shock. I've had a comment like that before and it totally stunned.

It's amazing how many women I know have received comments like that, especially post-coital where it's just like, okay, I understand that you're relaxed because you've just come, but like, let's roll it back a few. Let's just dial that relaxation back to the point where I don't need to hear every bit on your fucking head. Yeah. I know that likey man is like my biggest character flaw. And I'm like, this is just horrific.

It's just like, you know what I mean? Like, it's a mental illness. I frequently feel that. Yes. Yeah. So how did you end it with this son of a bitch? So he loved town and then we chatted on G-Chat again. And I just told him, I was like,

you hurt my feelings like that wasn't nice. And he was like, oh, I was just trying to be helpful. And I was like, I had to ask for your help. What are you, you fucking Mr. Rogers, a fucking, you know, thigh jiggly feet. Maybe he was trying to get you the body that would help you get on SNL, okay? He's your manager, that's his job. You fucking Mr. Rogers are fucking, you know, dying, jiggly feet. He was going to get you the body that would help you get on SNL, okay?

He's your manager, that's his job. He just resprawl-ified. He was getting you that sports illustrated cover because he thinks that you can just call up the editor of sports illustrations, obviously. Have you pulled up the G-chat? Well, you know what? Let me do it now.

Because I know they're like all in your Gmail, right? Yeah, I never delete my, what's his name? Yeah, what is his name? I want to see the text. I think it would be, I think, stupid, can't, what's his name, I think. Ha, ha, ha, ha. I remember that I think that, I can't remember his middle name,

though, I'm so sorry. My damn fucking stupid F gun. It's infuriating. They know how to get us when we're young enough to not reach. And that's why we're all so mad at this point. It's your fault. Sorry about that guys. That's why you wanna date 21 year olds

because we're a little salty. At least now this podcast episode has been as awkward for Sarah as it happened for Amy. So, really, we just need to make her feel uncomfortable and then we have a happy... Yeah, who's a piece of shit now? We'll be right back. Bad Dates.

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And we're back. All right, Sam, I'm dying to hear your story. Your story is called Young Sam's Misadventures. Yeah, sorry about being a man, you guys. It's hereditary. I went to an all boys high school. It's called U of D Jesuit. It was all boys, so I wasn't prepared to go to an all boys school.

So you know, you kind of interact with girls from the sister schools. And so, you know, in chat groups and all those sort of things on AOL, I am, I started talking to this girl and like, we just like hit it off. I was like 15, you know, I'm just like, oh, fun, fun, fun. And then like as horned up 15 year olds, we get, it was like, okay, we gotta,

we gotta have sex with each other. This is, this is gonna be, we're gonna be each other's first. And this was at 15. And then we just like talking about it so much gotta have sex with each other. This is gonna be it, we're gonna be each other's first. And this is at 15. And we just talking about it so much. Our parents met each other, we went through the whole thing and they kinda knew. It was like, okay, these guys are clearly horned up. But we just at least wanna know

who each other is talking to, you know what I mean? And it was like- You told your parents about the sex? No, we weren't talking about sex, but it was very obvious, you know? Like, I sex, but it was like very obvious, you know? Like, I mean, the girls are like, we got eight year, you know? Like, let's go through all the channels, please.

So I'm just standing there 15 years old with an erection of the parent pyramid. I was like, what? Let's get this over with, dad. This is the best way I can see how. So I turned 16, year 2000, we all made it through Y2K and I had my birthdays on January 12th. I got my driver's license and the first thing I did,

it was I went and picked my girlfriend, I was like, all right, here we go. All right, well, we can't do it at your house, can't do it at my house. So then we like drove around Metro Detroit, like looking for like, well, maybe a friend's house. Okay, well, maybe a hotel, okay, but we're 16. So like, there's no where we can go.

And we drive, oh, it's so sad and embarrassing. We drive out to Oakland and we go to Oakland Mall in the middle of the day. and we are in the parking lot, outside, bright day, in the parking lot, and we're just like, okay, this is the place, this is the time. So we did it in my dad's Saturn in the front seat with the seat pulled back, and it was not fun for either of us, and it was not fun for either of us.

It was very much, ah, well, there you go. Like, both of us, like, very disappointed, but like, very accomplished as well. Do you remember how long it lasted? Yeah, so it was about 10... Many seconds. It was like, you know, maybe five, five, five to 10 minutes of just like pure panic,

you know. Yeah, a friend of mine came on his way to the vagina for his virginity last year. And then just sort of come in his hand and then just say, oh, I think I just want to cuddle. I just cuddle. I'm not ready yet. And then finally wait until he had the urge to go again. I mean, it's a fucking,

but didn't he such fucking nightmare? Wow. It really is. And like the idea of getting rid of it was like, we have to, you know? And so we did. But then like, so that was the first go, which is like a truly nightmare.

Nobody wants their kids to like have that experience as their first. are there people like Walking around the car. We were lucky that nobody walked by the car That was also like part of the terror, you know, because it was like jail You know yeah, you get arrested for looking through the window if you were an adult Exactly if you were an adult of legal age. Exactly, gotcha. It was like on the streets.

Going on in there. Oh, it's two kids fucking outside the mall. Now I'm being arrested. Great. But this is reminding me of the guy that I lost my virginity to. He would just get very, very excited and felt like he wasn't lasting long enough.

So I realized that the reason he was asking for us to listen to the radio specifically, rather than ever having sex and silence, is because he was using the amount of songs to count roughly how long he'd been fucking for. So as soon as he'd come, he'd be like, three songs! Oh my god! That's him! Oh my god! I know, it was amazing when I was with people.

But it was a pop punk album, so it was only three minutes. Yeah, like three minutes for all Ramone songs. It was the Strokes' first album, yeah. Oh my God. So with this same, we dated, we were boyfriend and girlfriend. How could you not with that amazing connection? with the same girls. So we like dated. We were boyfriend and girlfriend. How could you not with that amazing connection? Whoa, you know what I mean?

Like sweet property. Fireworks. That was kind of. Did you ever go into the mall? No, we didn't have to. Wow. Nothing at Claire's for the lady? No manners.

Got some of our Gardettos popcorn. That's Chicago. But so we dated after that. And so, you know, we'd done it a few more times. And so, later that year, I lived in a pretty big house in Detroit. And so, like, I got the third floor of my house. It was like an attic.

So I converted into an apartment, you know? So it had two rooms within the joining hallway and a bathroom. And so in each room, one room was like my bedroom, where I had like a futon and a desk and my computer. The other room I had TV and a DVD player and a futon in there too. So I had two futons and like each one was like

a living room futon, was a bedroom futon. So we're having sex on my futon upstairs in my bedroom. And she's on top and we're having a good time, and she starts to ejaculate. She squirts, and I'm like, and as a 16-year-old, I say, what? Why the fuck are you pissing on my futon? I get so mad, I'm upset. I said, I had no idea.

So I'm like, what are you doing? And she's like, I don't know. And I'm like, well, stop, we need to stop. This is like- Also, I'm really enjoying the humble brag of this. I'm really enjoying it. I was hoping that would be a subtler than that. Yeah, yeah, no.

But like we just stopped and like she was so upset and I was like upset and like angry I was I was angry because I was like I will cherish this futon that I got for like a hundred dollars at some place and I'm like I to me I thought she was just like doing some weird like just I had no idea what that meant. You know what I mean? Yeah, so she so she had to go to her doctor and say like I started So she had to go to her doctor and say, like I started urinating in the middle of sex. And she was like, oh no, that's not what that was. So I'm sure that I know.

It's like 30% of what it is, but yeah. If we look at the content of the mix, but yeah, so we didn't date much longer after that because I'm sure it's a complex that, I haven't still been this poor, who knows, who knows? It was a long time ago. Also, futons are literally for bodily fluids. Like, it was already covered in your cum probably anyway,

so like, I don't know why you're such a stickler. It's a true toddler, it's a radion. Bedroom was. Yeah. The bedroom was. Yeah. The bedroom one was for coming in all the pissing shit. That one was for watching Matrix on DVD. I'm sorry to hear about.

But having the option to lie down. RIP, RIP to Sam's futon. But what a great way to get a bragging to all the people listening. Oh, I salute you. That was smoother than anyone I know. I wish he hadn't called it out. Like, I'd just say lived with it. He's nice and he makes you squirt.

Yeah. Bad dates. All right. Before we go, I always like to pay tribute to our wonderful, wonderful listeners who send in their stories. And this here is a short voicemail from a person called Stephanie. Hi, bad dates. This is Stephanie. It's okay to use my name.

A couple of years ago, I'd been friends with this guy who asked me out on a real date. We met at my house. I was going to drive us to a restaurant. Anyway, as we're walking out, he asked me if I locked the door behind me. I told him I did. He said, no problem. At which point, this fucking guy walks to the side of my house. It takes a goddamn week on my head just somehow gets worse. I want to pull the finger to each nostril and blow out snot rockets into the ground. He looks up at me and says, the old farmer's hanky.

I told this guy I had to cancel because I was coming down with a migraine. It just wasn't going to work out. So he walks home. Honestly, the farmer's hanky was the death blow. Thanks for listening. That was So short. Men have no fucking sense of decency. No goddamn manners.

What is going on? You're just doing snot rockets. It's called a farmer's hang. Hey, it's part of farming culture. All right. Don't be insensitive. Fucking coastal elite Hollywood role. How am I coastal elite? All right, okay. Ah!

Ah! Ah! Oh, God. Stephanie, you know what? Stephanie is the only one of us who immediately followed her instincts. We can all learn something from Stephanie. She cut her losses at the very beginning of the date and changed her mind and fucking went home.

So shout out to you, Stephanie. You're strong. You're out to you, Stephanie. We're gonna go far in your life. All right, babe. Thank you for sending in that story. Yeah, good job. Round of applause to Stephanie. Let me know if I should try out for SNL.

I'm still on the fence. Any teachers out there with any Hollywood advice, please send it in, send it specifically to Phoebe, not me, because she's dying for tips. But guys, it's been such a pleasure to get to know you guys and to hear these stories if it's so ridiculous. And I feel like we've only been like 50% hugely judgmental and confrontational, which is not bad, given the subject matter.

But Amy, Sam, Phoebe, you're a fucking joy, and I've loved every second of this. Thank you. Before I go, can you tell people where we can find you and your work, Sam? You can find me on Instagram, the Sam Richardson. Who knows for how long on Twitter at Sam Richardson? And Phoebe?

You can find me on social means at dope queen feeds. P H E E B S. I'm launching my mess, the A F tour. Standard tour. So you go to Phoebe Robinson.com to get tickets. I'm going to be in London, Atlanta, Chicago, Seattle, Portland, D, tons of fun places, Texas, so out these theaters I like money. Amy?

Yeah, just follow me on Instagram at Amy Miller Comedy. All my tour dates are at AmyMillerComedy.com. I'll also be in some of those places, not with Phoebe separately. And not in Portland, from the sounds of things. Your ban hat, your ban hat. No, I will be in Portland, twice in the next few months. Seattle and many others. Well you heard it here guys.

Get her. No, buy tickets for my show. I can't wait to come to your fucking show, you're hilarious. Tell me how mad you are after you're inside the door with your money. All right, I can't wait. And love you lots, guys. Thank you so much for coming. Thank you!

Hey! Bad Dates is produced by Smartless Media and Wondery. Created by Robert Cohen. Executive producers are Robert Cohen and Jamila Jamil. That's me. Produced by Stuart Bailey. Produced, engineered and edited by Devon Torrey Bryant. Also engineered and edited by Kyle McGraw.

Talent producer is Ann Harris. Associate producer is Maddie McCann. Music by Cushy and Evan Schletter. Executive producers are Will Arnett, Jason Bateman, and Sean Hayes. Executive producers are Will Arnett, Jason Bateman, and Sean Hayes. Executive producers for SmartList Media are Richard Cawson and Bernie Kaminski. If you've had a bad date

and you'd like to tell us all about it, our number is 984-265-3283 and our email is baddatespod.com. We can't wait to hear all about it. That's all for this week. We will see you next time for more... Bad Dates! Scoop!

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