Bad Dates with Jameela Jamil - Re-release: Speed Dates: I Was The Bomb! (w/ Brendan Scannell)

Episode Date: June 8, 2026

Please enjoy another of our favorite recent episodes while we move ever closer to unveiling the new thing we've been working on for you, stay tuned to this feed! This week, it's family time as host Joel Kim Booster sits down with his good friend, actor/comedian Brendan Scannell (Heathers, Bonding, newsletter The Abyss) to discuss maintaining a sense of self in your relationship, making friends later in life, being sober (or Bushwick sober as the case may be), knowing somebody in The Candy Hall Of Fame, and the real work of checking in with your partner. Plus, Brendan brings gifts! And Joel has some advice for single people, which is honestly not that different from his advice for anyone looking to get into entertainment.   Subscribe to our YouTube Channel for video clips. Merch available at SiriusXMStore.com/BadDates.   Joel Kim Booster: Scrubs Season 10, Psychosexual, Fire Island, Loot Season 3 Brendan Scannell: @bscan on socials, check BrendanScannell.com for newsletter and tour dates Subscribe to SiriusXM Podcasts+ to listen to new episodes of Bad Dates ad-free. Start a free trial now on Apple Podcasts or by visiting siriusxm.com/podcastsplus. Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

Hello, Bad Dates listeners. Producer Devin here with another re-release as we move ever closer to unveiling this new thing we've been working on for you. Stay tuned to this feed. This week, it's one of our favorite speed dates episodes where Joel goes a little bit deeper in a one-on-one conversation, and this time it's with his very good friend, actor-comedian Brendan Scannell. He knows somebody in the Candy Hall of Fame. How cool is that? Please enjoy. New episodes do imminently.

Sweet days. Hello, hello, hello, and welcome to another edition of the Bad Dates podcast. I am your host, Joel Kim Booster. Today is a very special episode, just family in the studio today. We are slowing things down, just one-on-one with my good friend, comedian, Emmy-nominated actor from Heathers and Bonding. You can subscribe to his weekly newsletter, The Abyss, and you can see us performing together, Thursday, April 2nd at the Elysian Theater. It's Brendan Scannell, everybody.

Hi, everyone. Joel's listenership. I'm so sorry you subject yourself to him so often. Oh, already, with the shade. This is how, we've been friends for about 10 years, maybe over years, 10 years now. I still remember when I met you, which was I was with Aaron Jackson and Josh Sharp, walking down the street, and you sort of swerved over, pulled over to the side of the road during Riot Fest in L.A.

and said, y'all need a ride to the gay bar. And then you drove us to Akbar. And the rest is history. That's actually how we used to pick guys up and murder them too. Bad Dates is a podcast where we talk about. You guys did bad dates. But sometimes I like to switch things up and bring on a very special friend like Brendan and talk about, certainly we'll get into your love life.

Maybe you have some bad date stories to share off the fly. But we wanted to cover it all today. Cover it all. Cover it all. It's so nice to visit you at work. For the listeners, Joel is wearing a porn hub. Yeah, well, we are a visual medium now. So if you'd like to see what I'm wearing today,

please check us out on the YouTube page. Go to the Smartless YouTube page. Like and subscribe. No one, I don't think anyone has yet, so you could be the very first person to do it. First person. First subscriber. For subscribers.

That's when you get the perks. Brendan, I want, there's like so many things I actually. want to talk to you about and that I think our listeners would be interested in hearing about. But let's get to the nitty gritty of the sort of premise of the show, which is you are currently in a relationship right now. Long term. Long term. In fact, I was actually thinking on the drive over here. We've been friends for over 10 years. I don't know if I've ever known you with another boyfriend. Have you had another boyfriend in the time that we've been friends? Nothing over like six months. Okay. Who was the most serious person before your current partner Joe.

Honestly, Joe was the first really serious person where it felt like, well, we moved in together really quickly because of COVID. Where I, you know, started, I think a big part of being in a relationship is giving up some of yourself. And that was always difficult for me is to like fully submit to the idea of being like a partnership. Well, here's the thing, though, about, you. you and Joe that I have clocked and that J.M. and I are really, my partner and I are really

have struggled with and are really working on is I love John Michael so much and we spend so much time together. We also live together. We're married. But we did have this realization a year or so ago where we realized we were becoming sort of just this unit that and we're really, not necessarily losing our individual selves, but, you know, we only hung out together. We only went out together. We spent, you know, his friends became mine, my friends became his. Like, and it was just like, if I'm going to go hang out with Brendan, you better believe Jiam would be there. And, and there is something to be said, I think, for maintaining a sense of yourself in a relationship. And we've been very intentional about, like, hey, I know that, like, Kail has been your best friend for over 10 years.

And though he is my friend now, be through our relationship, why don't you go and have that time with him? Why don't, I just got back from a wedding that J.M. didn't accompany me to because they were my friends, you know? And the reason he didn't come to the wedding is because he had to work and couldn't make it work. He would have come otherwise. But it was one of those things where I think a lot of couples, if, you know, there was a time in our relationship. I think if John Michael couldn't go to the wedding with me, I would have said, well, then I'm not going. And so I do think what you're talking about, the resistance that you mentioned at the beginning of your relationship of giving yourself up, I think is like it's a fine line to walk between giving enough of yourself up so that you can welcome, make room for someone else in your life, but not completely losing yourself to the relationship. Yeah, I think that makes sense.

I also think that as gay people or gay guys, as gay guys, as gay guys. Let's be very specific here. We are not just gay people. We are died in the world. We're gay guys. As gay guys, I think that there can be a, in like, an everybody get in here attitude with relationships where it's like all of the sudden you only see your friend with their new boyfriend. Or I think Joe had a, Joe who wants everyone to like him a great quality that I wish I had more of. But he immediately wanted all of my friends to be his friends.

And I remember feeling like, oh, my friends are for me. And so then I had to allow him in, if that makes sense. Yeah, I remember that time when he really wanted to be my friend. Keep working, Joe. Yes, you'll get there. You'll get there someday. You're a little thorny. I am a very, I'm not ready for new people person.

And I will say that all in all honesty, like I do love Joe and you know that I love Joe and Joe loves that I love Joe. But I am sort of the person who like when there's an established friend group, it's very difficult for me to trust new people because I love my friends very deeply. I'm very protective of my friends. When you are my friend, I will give you everything. and it takes a little bit of time for me to warm up to people who I think like Joe sort of came in like a reckon ball and we're trying to make these connections with everybody and it was I think it's difficult sometimes when like people come in and and want to operate as though they've always been there you know and I know that's more of a me thing than

than anyone else but like um it is it is just difficult and I think that the more like like the reason it worked with my partner so much is that we were doing it at the same time. Like, we were introducing our friend groups to each other and had so many lovely moments when we were like, whoa, what is Justin doing talking to Lewis? You know, like, that doesn't make any sense. Gay guys, you know? Two gay guys. Two gay guys.

Who are now married. Talking to each other. Like, that doesn't make any sense. And it is this beautiful thing that was really highlighted at the wedding where one of the best parts about being in a relationship is standing back and seeing these two parts of your lives sort of come together and intermingle and then becoming, you know, some of his friends are now friends individually with my friends. And it's just, it is, it is really nice to see, but it is difficult. Did you feel like with Joe that you were, you were coming in to his friend group and shaking

things up and trying to connect? Yeah, I mean, it's hard to even remember. We sort of were together and then COVID happened really quickly. So we became very codependent. Sort of like what you were talking about with JM, where we were only seeing each other. And then we sort of re-entered into the world and had to be reminded that, like, we were separate people. Yeah.

If that makes sense. How long were you together before a lockdown happened? Like six months. Six months. And then we moved into his parents' backhouse. I remember that period. And so I was spending a lot of time with him, his family, his brother.

and his sister, and it was like the six of us as a COVID unit. That is immersion therapy. I had 70 dinners in a row with my partner's parents, who I love. But it was a lot. I mean, it's no matter how much you love your in-laws, it is always going to be a lot when you're trapped inside and have no other options. In the first six months that you were dating him, first date, do you remember? Well, we met at Bears in Space, which...

there for? I was there for because Joe was hitting on me first. In line to get into Bears in Space, Joe famously was hitting on me and had I not left Bears in Space early to go hook up with someone else at a different party. Who knows?

You would be sliding doors with JM. With J.M. Just playing video games. No, I mean, but you were, so you were at Bears in Space. You met at that. party at bears in space i had a show that night and so i was like stone cold sober just kind of

chilling and we both we kind of met and we talked about how we both had laser hair removal classic and um and then i sent him a dm that the next day which was if you ever want to talk about laser hair removal again this is my number wow smooth smooth smooth honestly i think that's the best way to do it i think that's like you take the one thing the one notable thing from the very brief interaction, and you spin it and you make it your thing. Right. The thing, you know?

And I was never really afraid of, like, getting rejected, if that makes sense. Like, if somebody, if he just, like, didn't respond to it, I was at a point in my life where I was fine with that. Well, look at the material. I mean, the world is your oyster. One of the most beautiful boys in the world. The thing is, there's safety in that, too, because like there's a lot enough plausible deniability of like it's also a joke and i could also be

recommending my laser hair removal list exactly truly truly truly um it's bet it's it's like it's smoother it's safer and it's funnier than like hey i had a really nice time talking to you yesterday i thought were you really connected and i'd love to see you again you know like if you want to talk about laser hair removal again here's my number is so simple to the point it it it it it it it it it it it gives, it sends the message that you want to send, but it also gives them enough of an out to be like, oh, ha ha, thanks. Yeah. You know, next time I need a girl, I'll text you. And then they can end it there. It's like, it sort of gives them the ability to either like engage or politely decline. And, and then you also can say, like, well, it's not like I asked him out on a date. It's just like, it's the perfect amount of subterfuge. And I was good at dating at the time. Like I was good at the like setting dates up, going on dates, dating a guy for a couple months. I was good at that, which I think some people struggle with.

I never had a problem like going on the apps or Tinder or something and just like lining up like six dates and like going on all of them and just being like this is the one I like or I like none of them. And then in six months I'll do it again. So you were going on a lot of first dates, a lot of, oh my God. I was going on a lot of. A lot of like drinks. Both ended up telling our coming out story and never seeing the person again. It's like when you do like some queer person's podcast and you like all of a sudden like 40 minutes into it, you're crying. And you're like, and then my mom.

Yeah. I just sent me to conversion therapy. And that actually didn't happen. I don't know why I said that. Gay dating. Gay dating oftentimes can descend into like trauma carpet bombing. You know. You're just like, let's get it all.

He's got more. Yeah. I imagine you mostly. Olympics. Sweet days. Sweet days. Out of all the many dates, first dates you went on in that period, any notable bad dates that you went on that spring to mind, anything that like...

Well, I guess one thing that is coming up is I went on like a second date to see. a screening of a film at Amblin on the lot. For those of you who don't remember, Amblin is their logo is Steven Spielberg. It's the ET sort of motif and is their little logo. And I saw, I think, a McKenzie Davis horror film.

Well, that could be any... I'm kidding, McKinsey. I'm kidding. I don't know if it ever came out. However, I was extremely scared by it and was like screaming and shouting. And then afterwards there was a talkback where a lot of people who had been invited, not invited, you know, strangers from the street, basically told the director in the studio that they didn't like the movie. And I was seated right next to the director.

And she was like, I want you to come to all of my talkbacks and all of my screenings. And then I never heard from that guy or that director again. Did he like the movie? Do you know? I think he was a little so-so on the movie. You know how sometimes when people work on the movies? They're like, it's coming together. He worked in movies.

Oh, he worked on the movie. He worked in the movie. And so I think I did a good showing as like a guest that he brought who was like screaming and shouting. Yeah, but giving an off-broadway performance. Making the screening about myself. Just, ah! But no, no, like, nothing that's that like scarred you, traumatized you, use. currently use on stage in a stand-up bit.

Because that's the problem, man. It's like, I dated a little bit, but like, I just never dated some. I never dated enough people to generate the kind of Nikki Glazer level material that like, um, cart blanche straight guys are like. Exactly. I guess that's part of it is like gay guys can be awful, but like not at the level that, you know, there's just not enough of us, you know, we're getting the note from the community because if you're dating in the community that we are living in,

it's just like there's 17 gay guys in total. You date one of them, you know, and you do something shitty. All the other 16 are going to know about it. And it will eventually, one of them will sit you down and say, you cannot keep talking about your surgery. You know? Well, I think being a gay comic, you don't, you often realize in dating stories that you're the villain.

Oh, all the time. Women, I think women comedians are often talking from a perspective of the hero of like, these are the bad things that have happened to be on dates and like aren't, don't you identify with me? I made it through the rain and the fire. Exactly. Like a gay guy talking about his dating stories, like I'm usually sitting there and I'm like, and you are evil, right?

Yeah. or myself, or this is something that I did. I led some guy on to a point where he invited me on a catamaran for a week. And in the middle of it, I was like, I don't know if I love this person, but I have to stay on because I'm on vacation with him. You know what I'm saying? Exactly. It's one of these things where it's like,

if you're dating a normal person and like because we're so neurotic and so like many comedians are looking for the weird thing, are looking for the heightened thing about this. this like going on a date with a normal person. You're often like, you make something about their normalcy seem weird and try to present it as weird and then, or react to it as though it's weird. And then after the fact, realize that you were the one who is the villain of the piece as though you were saying.

And it's just like this innocent normie that was caught in the crossfires of my mental illness. Right. You know. Well, I used to always want to be like the special. boy in my relationships, you know. I wanted to be the... Gardner and flower, you wanted to be the flower. I wanted to be the flower.

I wanted to be the fun, fanciful one with no problems, but in reality, then I'd be dating somebody for like three months, and they'd be like, hey, so, like, I'm now seeing the real you and that's not you at all, and I would, like, run away. You know what I'm saying? And then I met my partner, and he was like, no, I'm the flower. And it allowed me to be like, oh, yeah, I actually... thrive in this Gardner position.

It was really difficult for John Michael, and I think, like, he wouldn't mind me saying this, but, like, for his entire life, high-achieving, genius, charismatic, cute, hot, like, life of the party. For the first 27 years of his life, he was the star of his own life. And then he met me.

And suddenly, he's the plus one to a lot of things. Sure. And at the beginning of our relationship, especially after the movie came out, It was this thing that we really had to talk about in an address because it would be really easy for me to not to forget that, you know, he needs, like, I think I even said it in my vows. I said, I want to, I will always make sure to remind you that you are the star of your own life because it's very easy when people are dating someone like us to like just lose themselves as like first lady, you know. Yeah. Joe was really good about, I mean, like, when we went to the Emmys, he was like, and what am I wearing?

And I was like, oh, I guess now I have to think about that. And like, the stylist can do both of us. And he was like, good, you know, and sort of advocating for what he needed in that moment. Yes. Yes. Yeah. Very relatable. We were just talking about. But, okay, switching gears a little bit. So you're dating, you decided to be boyfriends. How many months before lockdown? maybe like three months three months and then you moved in to his parents home why did you make that call well i was living with uh roommates in silver lake i was living with a lovely house love how i was living with a straight couple my second straight couple that i've been living with in a row oh my yes humphrey are uh the best boy but um both straight couples that i've married that i lived with married with children now so So if you are a straight girl looking to get engaged, I will live in your house. Gay reboot of Good Luck Chuck over here. Never even saw it.

You understand. Yes. And so I was living with roommates and he was living with roommates who, like a new, new-ish couple. And it felt like we were going to have to lock down together in one of these homes with this other couple. and because his family's in LA, he was like, I want to be with my family. And so I just packed up my stuff as well and went along. And how did that go? So great.

I mean, stressful, but it was really nice to be around people who loved each other. That made sense. Like being away, I'm from Indiana, and so being out here, like, I don't have any family out here. and something I realized that I was missing in my adult life was just like the immediate closeness of like, I don't know, like home-cooked meals. Sure, no, no, no, no, totally. What would you say is the biggest thing that you struggled with

in the relationship in that period? Because it is my true belief. If you are a couple who made it through the pandemic, then you have a much higher shot, I think, of making it. Just because, like, if, girl, if you can make it through the gauntlet that was lockdown, that, you know, for, in terms of a relationship, like, you've, you, if sort of, it lived through a condensed boot camp of what many couples take years to have to experience. I think one thing we struggled with immediately after that was, where do we go from here, right? Like, I was, after like a few months, I was like, I can't live in this backhouse. more. I need to be back in my space with my roommates, which meant without him. And how do you, like,

scale back the intensity of a relationship to, like, help the relationship, if that makes sense? Yeah, without it seeming like an exit. Exactly. And without it seeming like you are, I don't know, breaking some sort of agreement that you've come to. And then once I started doing stand-up, again a lot, that became difficult for him because he knew me as a comic when we first started dating, but we weren't spending every night together. And then when I started being like, I'm doing sets again. And not only am I doing sets, but I'm like reaching out to places. Yeah, I was about to say, you've really ramped it up post-pandemic in a way that I think pre-pandemic, it was, you were focused on other stuff too. Yeah. Yeah. And he was like, where are you going? Like,

why are you like the other night I had a show at west side comedy at 10 p.m. Oh my God. Have fun getting back at like midnight the next day. But I love it. You know, but at like 9.30 I had to 9.30 p.m. I was like, all right, I'm going to leave now for the night and go hang out with comics for like 90 minutes and do a set and do like, you know, 10 minutes for $10 and drive 40 minutes each way to do that. And so I had to kind of explain where the priority of like my art and my passion, where that like aligned in terms of our relationship and the time we spend together. Totally. I mean, I do you deal with going on the road? I find it. The road can be difficult.

I find like spots during the week here in L.A. It's sort of the reverse for me is I find it very hard to motivate myself. I do it now, especially because I'm getting ready to tour again. And so I need the reps. but like I want I want to be home with my husband like I'm not hanging out in the way that I should be hanging out or the way that I needed to hang out when we were coming up because hanging out is sort of the linchpin of how you get ahead in at least in the early stages of her stand-up career like you got to show face and I'm I'm very lucky to have sort of grandfathered out of that need but like it is really hard to motivate I will say his big struggle is about our jobs is not the stand-up. Like, he understands the practicalities and the realities of me needing to do stand-up, but what he doesn't understand is when I'm on set, when I'm shooting something, you mean to tell me, you can tell me what time you start work, but you don't know exactly

what time you're ending work? That to him, as someone who works a nine-to-five job, who works in corporate America, who has worked in the tech world for his entire life, is like, that's fucking crazy. Like, that is insane. And it's always the full day. It's always the full day. You're always like, well, it seems like my scenes are at the beginning of the day. So I'm going to be done in eight hours. No, because they need you for the first scene and the last scene.

So you can sit in your trailer for seven hours and stare at your phone and ignore the book that you brought to read for that very purpose. Yeah. That's his bigger struggle. Let's shift gears again. I want to keep talking to you about Joe because I am fascinated by your relationship on some. many levels, but I want to know a little bit. You are sober now. How long have you been sober? A year? A year. And Han Joe is also sober now. And how long has Joe been sober? Longer than me. Longer than you. See, I thought it was the reverse because I've obviously been,

I were friends and I know you've been on this sober journey for a minute now. But I thought that Joe's sober journey was in response to yours. I had tried to stop. I quit. Drinking was the thing I was mostly struggling with, binge drinking specifically. And I had had like periods of sobriety that then wouldn't really stick. Yeah. And then Joe stopped after like we, honestly, we went to Orlando.

His dad was inducted into the Candy Hall of Fame. Shout out Jeff. Like helped bring war. heads to the masses. Oh, my God, he changed my life. Exactly. He changed all of our lives. Wow.

And we had this wacky trip in Orlando. We went to Epcot, got fucked up at Epcot, and just kind of like, it didn't go well. It didn't like sit well with our relationship, this like trip to Orlando. And after that. That is, I mean, that sentence alone, it didn't sit well. This trip to Orlando. This trip to Orlando. spiritually said well with us.

Oh my God. What a play. I really did not enjoy my time at Disney in general. I don't know if I feel comfortable saying that aloud. Technically, we're not affiliated. I won't say anything because I'm on an ABC show, but you go off queen. I just felt like with no children there being an adult, I was like, what are we all doing? Yeah.

Matt Rogers is somewhere at home, like twisting into a knot, screaming at his phone. Right. No, he's not listening to your podcast. I was just about to say. Imagine a world where any of my friends listen to my podcast. So then he stopped, he stopped drinking, and then he just kept, he just never started again. And he stopped drinking when you guys got back from Orlando? Yes.

And was it a discussion? Or what did he just stop? He was like, I'm not going to drink this weekend, right? And that kind of is with, can be with gay guys, right? It's like the weekend is the thing that can throw you off. Because you're such a high functioning adult during the week. At least we both were. And so then he just kind of kept going.

He kept going. And then it was a few months in. And it felt like it was very hard for me to quit previously while he was still drinking. I was going to ask. Because I, you know, am a bit of a, I have FOMO, right? Who doesn't? And so once he stopped drinking, I was like, I'm not necessarily missing that anymore. Any change you make to the way that we go out and socialize, it's an unlearning process.

And not only unlearning, but then you have to relearn how to be in like spaces and how to have fun again without XYZ thing. I have a friend right now who for the first time in his life is in a monogamous relationship. And, you know, we went to Palm Springs Pride. It's a very sex forward, sex-centered event. And, you know, I think for his entire adult gay life, for the most part, he has looked at these parties as like, okay, I'm going to go to this party. I'm going to find a guy to take home. And that was sort of this, like, what he centered about the experience.

And suddenly he's in this monogamous relationship. His boyfriend had left early. And he was like, I don't know. if that sounds fun anymore to go. And I was like, you need to go there and figure out if you can have a different kind of fun. You need to relearn how to be in these spaces as a person who's not just chasing Dick. And he did have a good time. But does that seem like a similar experience to what you went through with drinking?

Yeah, there's definitely a, I think that I thought that I was going to be like white knuckling so many experiences as in sobriety and that's why it became the idea felt really overwhelming of like well i'm you know irish as fuck like my generations of alcoholism in my family like it's taught to me and then in LGBT world there's also so much addiction and drinking that it's like this is what having fun is and this is what social life is and so if i choose to not do that then I'm just going to be like thinking about doing it all the time. And I mean, I entered a program and I don't think about drinking at all anymore. Interesting.

And when I'm at social events, it's almost like I've been hypnotized. Like I just, it's of no interest to me. That's funny. I mean, I'll say, you know this about me. I haven't drank since 2022. I haven't been drunk since 2022. Yeah. You know, though.

I'm Bushwick sober. Sure, girl. There's plenty of other things that I'm doing to enhance the party. But I also don't miss it. Yeah. Not for one second. And granted, it's obviously very different because I've replaced it with other things at times. But like if I'm on it, if it's a Tuesday night and I'm going to some, you know, after party event, like I'm not bringing out the other girls with me.

Like that stuff I try to keep to the weekend. And so like I'm not even, if I'm out during the week, and I'm at a bar, I'm like, this, like, it's true. Like, I don't miss it. And I think part of it might be California makes it a little easier to something, because there's a lot of people who don't drink here. Sure. And so it is less of, you know, everywhere thing.

But, like, yeah, I agree. I don't miss it. And I think, like, I just got to the point where I weighed what it was offering me, and it just, the math wasn't mathing anymore. because I was every time I drank, I was hot, angry, and tired. And I also hate being around drunk people. Some of my closest friends turn into demons when they drink. Me included.

I wasn't going to say it, Brendan. I wasn't going to call you out like that. But I will say that, like, I knew at the point in the night when the eyes were going akimbo, that things were that I had lost my friend for the rest of the night. And I was, like, falling into it. things, bruises, and I was just sort of like, I think my life, life will be better without this. And then I really bought into that idea. And it has proved true.

And, but it is an adjustment socially. And I, you know, Joe and I had similar issues. And so it felt like sober dating sounds very interesting. Yeah. But I think that if you have chosen to be sober, Often there's like a fair amount of like either like some sort of program or A.A. or like therapy or some sort of understanding that that wasn't serving you anymore. So you've done a little bit of work on yourself. But you also have to be really protective of your sobriety. And dating can be disruptive emotionally. Yeah. And so many people use many different kinds of substances to open themselves up, to feel comfortable to like even. like approach dating or sex like you know I think the other problem I think the reason I quit drinking

was I was I was associating it with sex a lot and that was the last thing I wanted was to like feel like I needed to have um you know a drink before I even did that and like I'm very careful with everything else I do to make sure that I don't feel like I need it to be at the party you know like that's when I feel like for me is the line where it's like I don't need it to be at the party. It's additive. It should, it's, if you're doing anything recreationally, it should be additive. It should not be necessary. And I think that for me is one of the big reasons I stopped drinking. Yeah. My thing was I just once I started the train wouldn't stop. And so I was just like, what if I never started the train? Yeah. And that's kind of working for me.

Sweet days. And creatively, I feel like it's created so much more space for other things and socially as well. Well, expand on that. What exactly do you mean by that? I think that when I'm not doing a set and then like coming down by having like a drink or a beer or something like that. I'm like, it leaves space for me to like continue to explore what, how it went. other jokes that I might have. You're not just getting off and dulling and dissociating. Yeah, because sometimes the vulnerability can be hard of,

the vulnerability of just like, even like those jokes didn't work. And so I'm not backing away, if that makes sense. How has both of you being sober changed the contours of your relationship now? I think socially it's different. It's, um, we've met, we met so many of our friends. out. Yes. And so many of our friends do go out still and we like love them. Um, but we're kind of just on a, we're not going to be casually seeing people at like 11 p.m. or midnight. It's more intentional. Like my birthday. Right. Yeah. I was there. I know. That's what I mean. Like, and but the, but it is like,

how late did it go? Um, Riri was there until, Reeri and Poppy were there until like, 11. Okay. Um, but you, it, it like, as the sun came down, most of the, most of the, the, uh, main cast left. But, um, the thing is, is like, you don't realize until your friend goes sober how much, like, just, like, you show up to Akbar on Friday. And there is no plan. You just know you're going to see Brendan at Akbar on Friday. And so the maintenance of the friendship is less of, uh, front of mind. Because it's like, I don't, I don't, have to work that hard to see Brendan because I know I will just see Brendan. And now I think, like, part of the reason I'm so glad we do our show is that it is an excuse to check in with you a lot. I'm so happy already. We're doing our show again. And it is like, you know, because you famously left our group chat. Because in fairness, the group chat is mostly about planning we will be on the weekends. I left that group chat years ago. I know. There's still a spot available for you.

Too crazy. There's too much going on. If you want to be alerted to us starting a war with Iran while you're at a sex party in Mexico, then by God, it is the place to be. I felt like the group chat was becoming a space for people to air their anxieties. And I have an anxious boyfriend. I was like, I'm already receiving. Yes, we're not ordering out.

I have this in the fridge at home. I am already a receptacle of anxiety. I do not need to be a resultical of, you know, 11 queer people's anxieties. Of which there are rightfully a lot to be anxious about. And especially on a group thread full of TV writers and entertainment people. It is just a big ball of neuroses. But lots of really funny memes too. Well, speaking of your birthday, I actually brought you something.

Shut up. A gift live on air? I brought you a few different gifts. I went to our favorite gift store in West Hollywood. It's called Out of the Closet. Oh my God. Oh, my God. Now you all really have to tune in to the YouTube because just to see what I was given, a Titanic mug.

Gay guy. Gay guy. We do love to reference Titanic, which I didn't see until I was 24, 25 years old. I get that. But was still able to quote most of the movie. before I'd seen it because... Talk about a bad date. A very important book.

Couldn't come, couldn't have come at a better time becoming gay, the journey to self-acceptance. I'm still hopefully you'll get there. Someday I'll get there. It came out in 1996. 1996. Probably a lot of really fun references in there. I actually, yeah, yeah, yeah.

That is really funny because it is almost like even the verbiage is like, well, we don't become gay. We are gay, but like it is just like, you know, I would love for this to be reading this, and it's still somebody who's like, well, it is a choice. I was either going to get you that or a Sue's Ormond book on money and, you know, felt like I couldn't give Suez that resale money. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Because, of course, she's still getting residuals from when it's bought it out of the closet, a threat store. And then finally, the piece of the resistance of the birthday gifts is, a t-shirt, cut off, thank God.

Of course. You really do find the wackiest things at the out of the closet. And of course this would be out of the closet and we go. You guys, this is a Diane Warren cut off muscle to you that says hitmaker legend, pain in the ass, now on Masterclass. And listen, if I have to explain the lore of Diane Warren to you, the listener at home, Then sign off now. Talk about someone who's been on a lot of bad dates with the Oscars. Oh, yes.

Like, and she'll never win. She's the Susan Lucci of songwriters. I think she'll get there eventually. She just needs to stop fucking around with some of these Bobo movies that will never, you know, produce. Well, she's not getting like the, she's completely wasted on. She's a genius. I agree. She's not getting the Top Gun Mavericks anymore.

No, and she's always, it's always that. thing of like, she's sort of, are you watching drag race? No. Okay, then I won't say it. Once you go sober, you completely stop watching drag race. There's no reason anymore. You really do need to be on something to enjoy it.

But I will say, you know, she's just, it feels like many years she's just edged out. She is second place almost every year. And if we did rank choice voting at the Oscars, she might win. I think she'd win. Bring rank choice voting to the Oscars before we bring it to

the country. That's what I want. I want to go back really quickly while we still have some time about what it's changed about your relationship. You mentioned socially it's changed a lot of things, but interpersonally between the two of you, like how has it changed the contours of your relationship? Well, I think that I was emotionally irregular when I would dream. And so I'm not throwing fire into my relationship anymore. Like I can still act out, lash out, be imperfect. But I'm not like Mr. Jackal, Mr. hiding my relationship anymore, like with my partner and like kind of. You're not like setting traps and throwing bombs to see, to get a reaction almost.

Right. Well, not even to get a reaction to, I was like being the reaction, right? Like I wasn't setting bombs. I like was the bomb, you know? You know, we'd get in these fights and I would like point, you know, I'd be like in my house pissed off and be like, that's mine, that's mine. And when I leave, I'm taking it with me. It's just like so dramatic. And so that has allowed more like depth and understanding and patient.

to be part of our relationship. And would you say that he has been, become an easier man to love and to be in a relationship with? I think in most relationships, but I think in gay relationships, gay guys relationship is you're really trying to, your higher goal in their relationship

is to help heal the broken boy that's across from you, who the world has damaged. And so I think that, It is allowed more space for me to, like, help heal him and he can help heal me. That's really beautiful. I do want to point out to everyone who's listening right now. That's not necessarily your job.

It is the instinct. When you are able to take on that labor, I think it's a really beautiful thing to do. I also think there are a lot of situations like that where the labor balance is off. And so I think like, and I think if you both were still drinking, I don't know how that would work, honestly. Like if what you just described to me of being the bomb, being the explosive device, like strapping yourself with emotional C4 and heading into these fights, you would obliterate him. You wouldn't be helping him heal, you know? And so I think that is, you know, a huge thing for you to have really. about yourself and a really beautiful sentiment about relationships.

Sweet days. Sweet days. What is a piece of advice you would give to somebody out there who is looking for love, is experiencing bad dates, is feeling frustrated, burned out? What is a piece of advice you would have for them or a piece of advice you have for someone who's already in a relationship who might be struggling or dealing with or dealing with a similar sort of issue as that you've experienced. It can be general to you.

I don't know if I can speak to single people because I... You're in a relationship and you're not allowed to speak to single people. Yeah. I feel like I got really lucky. Same. And so that would be my advice is just keep putting yourself in positions where you might get like, keep gambling. And but in relationships, what it, the biggest thing that I've learned is, um, we did couples therapy. And, um, and first off, the couple's therapist was like obsessed with Joe.

It was just like so every time he'd be like, I'm like Joe. And I'd be like, well, fuck me. And having knowing Joe, you need to really reexamine how you're picking your couples therapist. But, but we did this thing, we did this, uh, practice with him called. Imago where essentially I like if we were having a therapy session about our comedy show, I would say something like Joel, sometimes when we're on stage, you make flippant comments about my career and it makes me feel small, which you don't do.

But then you would have to say like, so what you're saying is that when we're on stage together, I make statements that sometimes make you feel small. And you have to repeat exactly what that person said and come to and then apologize, even if it's not something that you feel like you need to apologize for. Totally. And that process really helped me understand that he's understanding things about a relationship from a completely different perspective, which makes sense, obviously, but I think that there can be an instinct to just be like,

why can't you just see things exactly how I do? Yeah. Because this is annoying to have to, like, explain why I think the way I think. But I do think you kind of have to do that. Totally. And I think the response and having,

not only, you know, it would be one thing if the exercise was, I feel this way, and then the other person just had to apologize. is the second part of the second step is so important because so often I think I could hear you say like you make flippic comments about my career that make me feel small which again I'd like to point out I don't do and you know it's so easy sometimes in a relationship to not hear that and be like oh so you don't think that I'm funny right you know that we had created an environment where we were able to do that

to each other and we're ribbing. And it's like you're to have to explain it back how you understand what they just said. It is such an important part of the process because we don't always hear each other even when it seems very, very clear. And forcing the other person to articulate back exactly what they heard is a perfect, it's like, oh, you can head off the fight of the past because it's like, oh, no, no, no, no, no. That's not what I said. Like, you know, let's work, like, let's stop and have that moment where it's like, you heard me say this and you're taking away this, but that was not the intent at all.

Right. It like prevents you from going like A to B. You have to go like A to A and just kind of like put, get on the same plane about like what actually someone is feeling about something that happened before you then can respond and explain your. self or whatever. So that's been really helpful. And I think a lot of times in relationships, I just have to like eat shit when I'm being like a pissy little baby. You know, like sometimes I am just being like a moody little bitch and like have to be like, I need to stop being a moody bitch and then have to actually say like, so for the last half hour, I do want to acknowledge the fact that I was a pissy little baby boy bitch. And then have him be like, yeah, you kind of were. feeling it was upsetting me right yeah but it's okay yeah and you have to be humble yourself i will say back to your advice for single people to first of all the advice you gave for single

people is almost exactly the advice i give to people who want to break into the entertainment industry which is it's a numbers game it's a numbers game but also you can't and and the thing but the thing i'll add that i say to people who are trying to break into the entertainment industry that is also very true for people who are single who are looking for a partner is you're right it's luck it's very luck based it's about getting up on stage a hundred times because you know you never know who's going to be in the room and you need to like up your odds basically and i think dating is a very similar thing i don't think you need to go on a hundred dates necessarily but putting yourself in situations where you can meet new people is important but the real thing the linchpin i think of this advice is that i always tell people

you cannot make the moment happen for you. Like I got discovered at a gay bar in Portland, you know? And it's like, I never, I never could have predicted. That's how I got my manager. My manager saw me do a 10 minute, yep, a 10 minutes spot. Yeah. Wow. In like 2015, he saw me do.

A straight guy. Yeah. Yeah. And literally when we sat down to meet after he saw me do that set, because he was, you know, it wasn't a done deal. He was interested in ripping me. And he said to me, do you have a half-hour comedy spec script? Do you have a five-minute TV ready set that's recorded? Do you have X? Do you have, you know, Y, Z, et cetera? And because I had spent the last, you know, four or five years leading up to that, writing that script on my lunch break, forcing myself to do this work,

doing everything I could to, I could to prepare for this exact moment, because I was able to look at him and say, Yeah, let's fucking go. I got it all. And I think it's the same with relationships where if you are ready or think you're ready and are searching for a partner, not only is it about getting in the room and as many rooms and putting yourself out there and taking chances and doing things that, you know, social situations that might make you uncomfortable, but it's also doing the work on yourself so that when you do meet that person, you're ready to say, let's fucking go.

You know, because so many of these people I think are so outwardly focused on, I need to find the guy. I need to find the guy. I need to find the guy. They meet the guy. And the guy's like, hey, I like you, but you are nowhere near ready to be in a relationship because of X, Y, Z about your life. So it's like, gentlemen, like, pick up all the half-used Gatorade bottles from your bedroom,

get a bed frame. Ladies, like, go to therapy, make sure that, you know, like, it's just like everybody needs to be coming to the table having done some prerequisite work. in order for it to, you know, blast off. That's my take. See, I have so many really high-functioning women in my life who are struggling to meet men at this point. Most of them are based in L.A. And, you know, they own houses and they have great careers and dogs and, you know, all of these great friend groups and support systems. and they're having trouble meeting men.

And I don't really know what that is. Men's? What are you up to? It's a men. We're having a men crisis. And I will say after a year in some change of doing this podcast, women after woman have come onto this podcast to tell a bad date story where it essentially boils down to, I want a hot guy who aligns with me politically, but all the hot guys

don't align with me politically, to which I'm begging progressive and leftist men. You guys know there's vegan protein, right? Like, you can do that. Like, you, there is options here. And it's just the ideological... All those men are ethically not... Yeah, exactly. But there is this gulf...

There is this divide that's happening between men and women where men are swerveen off to the right and women are swerving off to the left. And that, I think, is one of the main issues is especially the woman you described on paper with a great job, a house, and a great supportive group of...

friends is just not going to be appealing to these right-wing nut jobs, you know, and it's like... Well, and I think sometimes that person is like, I now have all my ducks in a row. I'm a high-functioning woman, and now I'm ready to add someone to my life. Yeah. And the thing about adding someone to your life is like, your life will be completely changed, you know, like a boyfriend is not like another dog. even if they like struggle to clean themselves up like they it's going to fuck up your life yeah so if you have a sense of stasis you might become in unstableized by yeah because your cup is full and you're like the cup is so full i'm ready for a boyfriend but the boyfriend is additional liquid that will overflow out of the already full cup so you better take a second sippy sipy sipy slurp it

make some space in the mug sister um i think a lot of gay guys are like that too especially the older we get like so many are really high you know the velvet rage high functioning in so many ways making more money than ever and feeling trying to make up for feeling great about their bodies working out nonstop partying doing all of these things more more and then um but but then to be like slightly invalidated by like a guy being like i don't want to go on a third date with you it can completely derail that oh it demolishes people and i've been there oh same same same same same very much same um three months before i'm at jam i i know me you've known me for a long time i was not a dater i was not somebody who was going on

a lot of dates i was going on a lot of parties rendezvous sure bushes bushes bushes bushes But like I said I was like and it was because I knew this about myself I had no room I was grinding I was doing shows every night I was also working a day job I was also doing all these things and then at 33 was the moment I was like actually I think I have room now and so I'm ready to send out into the universe bring him and I think that a lot of people who think they're ready and are like sending out the call to the universe like I'm ready I'm ready where is he? It's like, take a look at your life.

Do you even have room for one? Right. You know, maybe he's not coming because you have not. You've turned. Where would you put him? Right. You know? Especially if like, one of your main priorities is either your career or some sort of

creativity. Like, I previously, like in my mid-20s was just like, there's no way a boyfriend is going to come in the way of like me having. like the career success I'm looking for. 100%. And, yeah. And you weren't going to date another actor. No, oh my goodness.

I really can't believe this. Terrible nightmare landscape. Brendan Scannell, this has been such a great conversation. I love you so much. Love you. Dearest one of my life. Just a couple of questions before we leave you, though, that I ask all of my guests on this podcast, which is, first one is, first one is,

a pop culture related question, which is, is there a moment, a couple, a scene, a movie in general, or a television show, a song lyric, anything from pop culture that in your mind you point to and say, that is love. That is the model. That is what you, that triggered in me, like, if it doesn't feel like that, then I don't want it. I've been thinking about this. And for me, like, the great, all my favorite couple, in pop culture are from dating show dating reality shows like I fundamentally do believe that reality TV is like a great conduit either for love or for like an audience to meet like a Tiffany Pollard for all of us to fall in love with the latter I can agree with the former I don't know the data

the data backs you up but who are you talking about who are some of your inspoes um oh well I'm a big Love Island, like, Stockholm Syndrome person. And so I think a lot about- Traders, by the way. Yes, Moira. Good for your, huge fan. Good for your community. It was huge for me.

Yeah. And I actually, people didn't get Rob. I watched his season. I was like, I love Rob. Huge Rob fan. But I love Olds, Love Island, UK. They used to be able to smoke cigarettes. People would enter the island, non-smokers,

and they would leave smokers. So beautiful. I mean, I guess it did some good. But there was this one woman in season three, and her name was Camilla, and she was a bomb diffuser in the army in the United Kingdom. And she entered the villa with so many walls from her career as a bomb diffuser. And she couldn't meet a guy. It wasn't working for her. And then, like, four weeks in, a bombshell entered the villa.

And now they are married and have two children. Wow. How long has it been? It's been probably seven or eight years. And if they're not together, I don't want to know. I often, I'm a love is blind girlie. And I do. That one's weird.

Every single fucking day. That one is weird. Every single fucking day, I look up who's still together, who's making it work. And the thing is, is every single couple that has made it work from Love is Blind invalidates the premise of Love is Blind because it, like, the windows, the, like, the shades open. and they're both completely physically compatible, the hottest people you've ever seen alive. And it's like, well, sure, love might have been blind,

but they may have fallen in love without seeing each other, but they certainly wouldn't have stayed in love if they weren't horny for each other. That's beautiful. That's a beautiful answer. And then finally, Brendan, what is making you believe in love this week? I'm going to tell you what, Joel, I actually don't believe in love this week. It's a tough one. People are breaking up. We did our show

We talked to people in the audience At the beginning of the show Just being like What's going on with you? What's the problem you're going through? Both people Going through breakups My gay doctor just ended his marriage

Of over 15 years Something's in the air Something's in there It's happening earlier than usual Someone in our friend group Former They're breaking up after many years You're going to have to tell me

After the show Yeah no no Oh my god Is it someone really close to me? No And like I was just at this wedding and like I saw an old friend and he was like the last time I was actually bleep that out. The last time, you know, I was, you know, here was when I was married and now I'm, we just got divorced and like it does feel like something is in the air. Hide your wife.

Hide your husband. Don't get in a little fight because your partner might be thinking about ending things. And you just need to ride out the next six weeks. No, yeah. I recently, I'm still, I think I'm good. I think we're good for a minute. I think we, we, they skated in under the wire and we're in the new cycle of relationships that will last forever. Not, uh, we didn't get, we didn't get together or get married in the time when there was this apparently clock, count down clock happening for these couples. Really? Like from the planets or something? I, you know, I'm not going to be the one to say it, but here we are.

Brendan Scannell, thank you so much for joining me. This was a great hang, and I hope people got something out of it. Where can people find you? And what are you doing these? On Instagram at B-Scan. I am Joel Kimbooster. This has been the show. If you liked what you heard, please give us a rating and review.

Five stars only. If you leave anything less than five stars, then I think you need to really consider why. Is it because I, is it because? you feel some kind of way about like i'm i'm not going to say it's racism or homophobia but it's something i would i would rather you not leave the four-star review and consider that take a few days to consider that and then come back and leave a five-star review that's all i'm saying um listen if you guys have any questions comments concerns advice you'd like the podcast to answer please email us at baddatespod

at gmail.com. Someone's reading it. And I will see you next week on another episode of Bad Dates. Bye-bye. Bad Dates is a production of Smartless Media created by Robert Cohen.

Executive producers are Robert Cohen and Stuart Bailey. Produced, edited, and engineered by Devin Torrey Bryant. Produced by Ann Harris. Edited by Kyle McGrath. Associate producer is Maddie McCann. Social media producer is Tommy Galgana.

Executive producers are Sean Hayes, Will Arnett, and Jason Baitman. Executive producers for Smartless media are Richard Corson and Bernie Komenzky. Music by Cushy and Evan Schleller. If you've had a bad date or would like our advice on any dating issues, please tell us about it at baddatespod at gmail.com or call us at 984-265-3-283. That's 984-265-3-283. That's all for this week. We will be back for more.