Bad Dates with Jameela Jamil - Re-Release: That’s How Wolves Say Goodbye (w/ Rachael Harris, Elna Baker, and Morgan Jay)

Episode Date: April 22, 2024

For the next few weeks, please enjoy repeat performances of some of the Bad Dates team's favorite episodes.On this episode of Bad Dates, Jameela welcomes Rachael Harris, Elna Baker, and Morgan Jay to discuss their most iconic dating fiascos. Rachael’s date comes with strings attached, Elna should’ve brought a flea collar, and Morgan debuts his new single “Sex Party (Let’s Go).” If you’ve had a bad date you’d like to tell us about, our number is 984-265-3283, and our email is [e-mail], we can’t wait to hear all about it.Rachael Harris: @rachaelharris on InstagramElna Baker: This American LifeMorgan Jay: morganjay.com, Morgan Jay Live At The VillageSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

I'm Afua Hirsch. I'm Peter Frankopan. And in our podcast Legacy, we explore the lives of some of the biggest characters in history. This season, we delve into the life of Alan Turing. Why are we talking about Alan Turing, Peter? Alan Turing is the father of computer science. And some of those questions we're thinking about today around artificial intelligence. Turing was so involved in setting and framing what some of those questions were.

But he's also interesting for lots of other reasons, Afro. He had such a fascinating life. He was unapologetically gay at a time when that was completely criminalised and stigmatised. And from his imagination, he created ideas that have formed a very physical, practical foundation for all of the technology on which our lives depend. And on top of that, he's responsible for being part of a team that saved millions,

maybe even tens of millions of lives because of his work during the Second World War using maths and computer science to code break. So join us on Legacy wherever you get your podcasts. I'm Alice Levine. And I'm Matt Ford. and we're the presenters of British Scandal. And in our latest series, Hitler's Angel, we tell the story of scandalous beauty Diana Mosley, British aristocrat, Mitford sister and fascist sympathiser. Like so many great British stories, it starts at a lavish garden party. Diana meets the dashing fascist Oswald Moseley. She's captivated by his politics but also by his very good looks.

It's not a classic rom-com story but when she falls in love with Moseley, she's on a collision course with her family, her friends and her whole country. There is some romance though. The couple tied the knot in a ceremony organised by a great, uncelebrated wedding planner, Adolf Hitler. There is some romance though. The couple tied the knot in a ceremony organised by a great, uncelebrated wedding planner, Adolf Hitler. So it's less Notting Hill, more Nuremberg. When Britain took on the Nazis, Diana had to choose between love or betrayal.

This is the story of Diana Mosley on her journey from glamorous socialite to political prisoner. Listen to British Scandal on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. Hello, I'm Emily, one of the hosts of Terribly Famous, the show that takes you inside the lives of our biggest celebrities. Some of them hit the big time overnight, some had to plug away for years. But in our latest series, we're talking about a man who was world famous before he was even born.

A life of extreme privilege that was mapped out from the start, but left him struggling to find his true purpose. A man who, compared to his big brother, felt a bit, you know, spare. Yes, it's Prince Harry. You might think you know everything about him, but trust me, there's even more. We follow Harry and the obsessive, all-consuming relationship of his life, not with Meghan but the British tabloid press. Hounded and harassed, Harry is taking on an institution almost every bit as powerful as his own royal family. Follow Terribly Famous wherever you listen to podcasts or listen early and and ad free on Wandery Plus

on Apple podcasts or the Wandery app. Smart. Less. Me. I. Hello, this is Elna Baker. I am here to introduce the story you're about to hear, which I told to Jamila. It's an epically bad date.

It's such a bad date. I'm happy that you get to hear it. And part of why I'm introducing it is because I now have a show on Smartless that I am co-hosting with the legendary Johnny Knoxville. It's called Pretty Sure I Can Fly. And we really, really want you to come check it out. I really think you're gonna love this show. It's stories of people who've done something, frankly,

in human history no one has ever done. First woman to row across the Atlantic, first person to surf a hundred foot wave. And we sit down with these people and we hear how they did it, all the setbacks, why they did it. So please check that out. It's on SmartList.

It's called Pretty Sure I Can Fly. And in the meantime, listen to how catastrophically bad my love life is. Enjoy. Bad dates. I once was taken on a hike by an unbelievably handsome man, but like halfway up, just the first bit of the hike, he was way ahead of me, which is also so disrespectful, but I remember calling up to him just going,

Hi, I'm so sorry. You're very good looking, but you're not quite good looking enough for me to do this. So I'm going to head. And he's handsome enough to survive it. Yeah. It hurt my feelings when you said that to me on the hype. Rachel, Elna and Morgan, hello and welcome to Bad Dates Bloody Hell. Hey, what's up? Hello. Hi. I'm so happy to have you here.

I am so excited to hear all of your stories and thank you for coming on to tell me your truth about your dating lives. I am someone who's not had a lot of dating experience and so I live for these fucking stories and so does my lovely audience. Before we get into everyone's specific tales, I just want to kind of get to know you. None of us know each other, right? None of us know each other. This is a blind date. Yeah, exactly.

Like it's quite sexy, isn't it? It's like a blind orgy date. It's really intense. Morgan, will you tell me what you feel about the world of dating and whether or not you feel like you are a good date? I, so I'm 36. I have a girlfriend. Uh, we're in, so we're in an open relationship. Uh, so I should put that out there, but I think dating'm 36. I have a girlfriend. We're in it. So we're in an open relationship

It's so I should put that out there, but I think dating is fine my experience put that out there because you're looking for It's look I'm not like showing because I'm a touring comedian. I'm not like showing that your pimp Morgan I know I know I I don't show up to a city like DMing people like who who wants to hook up You know as far as dating goes, I mean, I think dating is fun. I have a good time. I don't think I'm a bad first date. Good for you. Elna, what about you?

How do you feel about the world of dating and how are you today? I enjoy dating because I feel like I love to meet new people. And even if it goes badly, there's like something to glean. And then I am like, I think I'm a fun date. I was just something Morgan was saying, I completely forgot about this, but I was like a very late bloomer.

I'd never had a boyfriend. I was sort of like sitting on the sidelines, like dreaming of someday getting to date and have, you know, and I made this list and I found it in my journal recently and it was like future imaginary dates that I planned out. And one was climb to the top of a tall building and list for him all of my life goals, which is a terrible date.

How old were you when you? I think I was 22, but can you imagine someone being like that? Oh my God, just like... No. And then I... You guys, I'm good. I've heard from both of you. And I'm out. This is me. This is okay.

I'm taking off. So how has your vision for a good date evolved? Has it evolved? I don't know. It has evolved. I mean, definitely. I feel like I've been single a lot and I also like I was Mormon till I was 28, but I lived in New York So like I didn't have sex and so I feel like I the longest relationship I had was

Four weeks. Wait, can I ask you a question? I'm so sorry. So you said you were a Mormon? Yeah, not anymore. But I was Mormon till I was 20. This might be too personal of a question, but did you guys soak? Have you guys heard of soaking? Oh, we did. Do you guys know what soaking is? No, what is soaking? Can you explain to the people what soaking is?

So, soaking is like, basically, it's so hard. Soaking your, like when you soak your balls. No. It's like, if you're Mormon, any sexual sin is like the most serious sin next to murder. But you find these like loopholes. And if you do sexual things, you have to like, repent to your bishop. But like, basically, but he fucking loves that. Like, it's about like, friction is one thing. So one loophole Mormons have found is they'll lay on top of each other naked.

The guy will stick his penis in the woman's vagina and they won't move. And as long as nobody moves, then you don't have to repent and you've done nothing. And God won't be angry. It's just so of parking. You're parking your penis rather than parking. You call it parking.

Yeah. Yeah. I mean, and what could your piece rather than parking. You call it parking. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, and what could go wrong in that moment? But I have heard of like, people will like get their roommate to jump on the bed to create the friction and then it's not like they've been doing anything. So how they just had a threesome? What? This is some of the best shit I've ever heard.

Rachel, last but certainly not least, I'm dying to hear how you feel about dating and what on earth you're like. Yeah, go on. Okay, I feel like dating's tricky. I feel like it's essential to get to know people. I'm a hundred years old and I have two little children. So for me, and I'm single, you have to get really quick to what's this going to be like tonight? Or is this about,

we're just good friends that are hooking up? Or is this, what are you looking for kind of thing? I've only known you for about seven minutes, but I already feel very confident that you are a very straight shooter on a date, which I like. Kind of, yes, I am now, but when I was younger, oh no, no, no, I would have been like so people-pleasy and so gross, you know,

and just like, just trying to like get you to like me, right, like thinking, cause it was like, I don't mean to make this a Ted talk on self-esteem, but it's like, you know, I'm an actor for a reason. So it's like you have to get to that place where you're like, oh, I am enough, this is great. But I think until you really are confident in who you are. Yeah, you yes and a lot when you're younger, don't you? Oh, for sure.

Rachel, your story is called The Twilight Zone. And I'm dying to hear what happened. My date, I knew somebody, I met somebody through work and I had met them and it was kind of one of the things like, oh, we have mutual friends. We should hook up and have a drink sometime. I was like, that sounds amazing. So we'll do that. We'll have a drink. He's super cute.

Very good looking, smart, funny, all the things like. And you have to psycho back check from your friends, which is great Exactly. Yeah, he worked. Yeah, he worked with my friends okay, so at any rate, but I didn't tell my friends that I was gonna go see him because I I had already kind of Figured out I didn't know I didn't know where he was at, but I was like I was into him So I was like I kind of was like let's go, I mean, like, let's get down. Let's go like I'm ready. So we meet for drinks ready to soak. I'm ready to soak and use friction. But we, we have drinks. And then he lives very close to this bar that we went to. And we have drinks

and it's fun and we're having a great time and it's pretty clear, like we want to hook up. And so he's like, well, I live very close, so let's just go. So we go back to his place. We start kind of making out even before we get into the house. And so we get into the house. And, and the first thing I noticed as we like walk up the stairs, and we're kind of like getting into it is getting into it on the stairs. Dangerous. Yeah, we'll just like making out but it was like on like it was like we're ready to like hook up. So we get into the house, we're making out,

we get on the couch and suddenly I start noticing that there are puppets. Oh God. Oh no. Like all over the house and there's like ventriloquist puppets. All over the house, how many are we talking? But just like in the living room area. And I'm like, okay, this is, so this person has an appreciation for puppets

and we're on the couch and I'm just sort of like, I'm aware of it, but he's so, he's very cute and smart and funny. And I'm like, you know what? It's gonna be okay. Are these like Jeff Dunham puppets, like furry puppets? Or are these like the artisanal, wooden, old school, creepy, bulge? You know what I'm talking about? There's like- There's- yeah, there's a mix. There's a mix of puppets.

Okay. Are they just sitting? They're just sitting. Oh, gosh. They're not posed together? Uh, I don't really remember, but that's a good question. They're not totally posed together, but it's enough that you walk into a living room and you're like, oh, there's puppets.

Yeah. And there's like a virtual across puppet. And so we're on the couch, we're making out. And I, again, I know what this is. And I'm like, this is fine. Like it's, it's okay. we all have our eccentricities, right? And I just was like... It's almost endearing when someone's cute and has like a weird nerdy habit.

Yeah. So then things progress and I'm like, all right, you know what, we're going to go upstairs. He's like taking me upstairs to his bedroom and I'm like, okay, fine, we're getting out of that room, right? And we're going to go up to the bedroom. And I'm like, okay, fine, we're getting out of that room, right? And we're going to go up to the bedroom. And we get up to the bedroom and I get on the bed and I look up and there's like cutouts, you know, like in the stucco, you know, where you would put a candle, right? Okay. Things like that. And there's a puppet in the bedroom in the cutout.

And then there's a puppet on like a stool or a chair in the corner. He's a madra. He's a fucking madra. And then there's another puppet. And so I'm cognizant of this, that there are puppets in the bedroom and I'm like, it's fine. You know, I'm just like, let's just do this. And we start having sex safely. And it's fine and we're making out.

And I do do that. It's like if you wrote it in a movie, it would be like, that would never happen. But I really legit like could look over and be like, what's up? Like I could see a puppet. Well, they have those eyes that are always looking at you no matter where you are in the room.

It's like the Mona Lisa. Yeah, so I see the puppet and it's weird. And then he does this. Then he starts, he, God, here we go. He pulls out and he starts masturbating. He takes off the condom, starts masturbating. And I'm like, okay, okay. And I'm like, am I, am I going to start? Am I supposed to start doing that too? But there's like no communication. He's just like, and then he's getting really excited.

And is he like, wait, wait, wait, is he furiously wanking? Is it a gentle rub? Or is it, I've imagined it would be furious? It starts out slow, but then it very quickly becomes about him. And I'm like, oh, I'm here, but I'm not really here. I could be a puppet. I could be anybody at this point. And so he starts furiously wanking off. And I'm like, I don't know exactly what I'm doing.

And then he looks at me and he goes, can I come in your face? No. And that's when I was like, I'm out. So Morgan, that's when I was like, he goes, can I come in your face? And I said, no, no, you cannot. Like as if I was talking to, you know, a child saying that,

you're too handsome for me to be, you're too handsome to be surrounded by puppets. And then he says, can I come on your tits? And I was like, I just want to get out of here. Is it possible also that like, if he comes inside of you, then the puppets don't get to see the whole show? Like, if he comes inside of you, then the puppets don't get to see the whole show. Yeah. Do you feel like he wants them to be there for the big finish? Because they're all positioned facing the bed. Yeah.

And who knows there could be cameras in the puppets? Who knows? Oh my God. But it feels like he wants them to see what daddy does. You know what I mean? It's upsetting. It is upsetting. But what I did is I remember, I think he finished.

I don't really remember you guys. Cause at that point I was just like, you know when you tell your friends, like the first thing he said to me, it's the first time we've been intimate, like having sex or whatever. And when I share this with my friends, they're like, he hates women.

Oh. I literally did get up. And that was weird too, like grabbing your things, you know, the awkward, like, walk out of shame. Did you take a puppet? I should have. No, but I just remember walking back down. And I think he walked with me,

but just taking in just how surreal it was and knowing, oh my God, my friends are not gonna believe this. My girlfriends are not gonna believe this. If you could ballpark it, how many puppets do you think were in his home? Yeah. If you could ballpark it. Are we more than 10, less than 10? Yes. Okay.

More than 10. Okay, so that Yes. Okay. More than 10. More. Okay. So that's too many. That's, that's literally nine, too many. So I'm never going to get the image of this out of my head. And it's not even the first time we've had this. We've had someone, we've had someone talk about a collection of several hundred Garfields that someone had in a room that they were trying to have sex with. So this is definitely, it's definitely a thing. It's definitely a vibe. It's a fringe

movement that I'm dying to learn more about. And thank you for telling me that story. You are so welcome. You guys are welcome. It's my pleasure. Thank you for sharing, Rachel. That's a good sharing. Thank you for sharing. Thanks, guys. Oh my goodness. All right, we'll be right back after this. Back after this. Bad Gates. Have you ever felt like escaping to your own desert island?

Well, that's exactly what Jane, Phil and their three kids did when they traded their English home for a tropical island they bought online. But paradise has its secrets, and family life is about to take a terrifying turn. You don't fire at people in that area without some kind of consequence. And he says, yes ma'am, he's dead. There's pure cold-blooded terror running through me. From Wondery, I'm Alice Levine, and this is The Price of Paradise, the real life story of an island dream that ends in kidnap, corruption, and murder.

Follow The Price of Paradise wherever you get your podcasts or binge the entire season right now on Wondry+. Looking for inspiration? Craving something new? When you visit Audible, there are endless ways to ignite your imagination. With over 750,000 titles including bestsellers, there's a listen for every type of listener. Discover all the best in audiobooks, podcasts and originals, featuring authentic Canadian voices and celebrity talent like Brendan Fraser and Luke Kirby's latest sci-fi adventure, The Downloaded.

A first listen is waiting for you when you start your free trial at audible.ca. And we're back. Elna, your story is called Dark Side of the Moon. What happened? All right, here we go. So I was married and I was married when all the dating apps came out, and they had never existed and I don't know if this has happened for you guys, but like, I was like so curious. And he was too. We were both like, what is

this world where people meet online and date? So we would like borrow our friends' phones to look at their Tinder. And like, Chris was like, wow, what would it have been like to have been single when this was like available? Right? So then we end up breaking up, like within a week of us splitting up, I like joined every single app. Yeah. So I'm- How soon, wait, sorry,

how soon after discovering that dating apps exist, did you break up from the relationship? Three years. Three years. Okay, okay, I gave it. Because if it was like a month later, it would be dodgy. Okay, go on.

So anyway, I'm on my very second Tinder date of all time. I'm sitting at this really fancy restaurant across from like the hottest man. I mean, you look like Antonio Banderas, he was Spanish. And first thing he says when he sits down is he's like, you know, I want to be totally forthcoming. I, it says on my profile that I'm 37, but actually, you know, I'm 49. Oh, what? But, but you know, I don't put that in my, that's a huge discrepancy.

I know, I know. They're not even close, right? And he was like, I don't, I don't put that in because, you know, people will use age settings to like weed you out. Right, right, right. And I'm like, yeah. Did he look good?

Did he look young? Would you have been able to tell? He looked younger, but it's like by design. That's what the settings are for, right? Yes. Yeah. So then I'm like, well, he told me. At least he's being honest.

So we keep talking and he asks me about like my dating life and I'm like, well, I'm just separated from my husband, I'm going through a divorce. And then I'm like, have you ever been married? And he's like, I'm married right now. Oh boy. And I was like, what? And he's like, well, you know, I don't put that on my profile because we didn't put anything on his fucking profile. It seems And he was like, well, you know, I don't put that on my profile because, you know. We didn't put anything on his fucking profile, it seems like.

He was like, that weeds people out. And he was like, yeah, we, you know, we're polyamorous. We tend to live with, we used to live with two women. We all live together and we just lost those two. And so we're looking for a third to join our marriage. This is actually a job interview. So what can you bring to the table? Wait, would you have to move in? Yeah. So they all live together. And so he basically spends the next two hours of the

day pitching me on joining this commune. And I'm not knocking polyamory, but this sounded so much more like polygamy. He was describing polygamy. And I grew up Mormon, right? So if you go back, my great-great-grandpa had 21 wives, my great-great-uncle had 15, my other great-great-un uncle had eight. Fuck me. Respect. So like if anyone knows like this works out well for the men, not so much for the women, right? So I'm a hard sell. But I also like, you know, you're on the date, you're there. I like, I just flip into journalist mode easily to be like, oh, I'll just ask questions. So I'm like trying to figure out how it works.

I'm like, do you all sleep in the same bed? And he's like, yeah, yeah, is a California king. And- Makes sense. Yeah. So then he's like, the date ends, he walks me to my door and he's like, you know, will you, like, do you wanna meet my wife?

Are you interested in like joining my marriage? And I was like, do you want to meet my wife? Are you interested in like joining my marriage? And I was like, no. Uh, and he was like, I feel so much chemistry with you. Like, will I ever see you again? And I'm like, no. Uh, but, uh, do you want to come upstairs and make out for 10 minutes and not have sex? Did you lay down those parameters? Like these are, those are, you're asking for 10% equity, 10 minutes of making out. And that's where the deal, okay.

Why, why did you do that? Why did you want him to come upstairs? Because I hadn't kissed anyone in seven years besides my husband, right? And I was like, I just, but I, you know. So you'd been feeling a little bit of this chemistry as well? He was hot. He was hot.

But like- So you ended up soaking. I soaked, we soaked. No, I mean, the thing is like, like I, I even did it, like all my stories when I was trying to think of bad date stories, all involve fingering. Cause like I will, like, I'm like, it takes a little, there's a bar for me to have sex with somebody,

but like all of New York has fingered me. So I'm just like, come upstairs, we'll see, you know, let's make out, right? So I bring him upstairs. She says with quotation marks, listen. So he comes upstairs, he's in the bedroom, I like run into the bathroom and I like really quickly brush my teeth. And I come out and he like pushes me against the wall and kisses me. And then he pulls back and he's like, did you just brush your teeth?

And I was like, yeah. And he's like, in the future, don't do that. I like to taste another human's mouth. Oh, immediately no. For those reasons, I'm out. That's going to be a no for me, dog. Well, see, the thing about me is that my no is never, never someone else's no. So I'm just sort of like, okay, that's like a thing about him. Good to know.

Yeah, yeah. So let's work. So we start kissing and he's kissing me and he starts doing this thing where he's like, he's like, kiss me and then he'll pull back and he's like, ah, and he's like tearing his hair and he's like, ah! Ugh! Are you sure you weren't filming an episode of General Hospital or what?

Wait, what exactly is he doing? He's like grabbing his hair, he's grunting. He's sort of like kicking his feet. Is it a grunt? Is it a growl? What is it? It's a, ah! And I think what he's trying to do is like...

Is he constipated? It's the same sound. So he's like trying to telegraph like, oh, I wanna fuck you so bad, but I can't. But he's like overacting so much that it seems like, like he was sent there to kill me or something. The second hand embarrassment is to actually end my life. Go on.

Sorry. So it's like, he's tortured. It seems like he was sent there to kill me and he can't go through with it. Like there's this inner conflict where he's just like, I can't, I can't. And then he pulls back. He's wearing a button-up denim shirt

and he just rips it open and then throws his head back and howls like he literally went there's no way and then he does it again and i'm like what you're like i have neighbors so i go i'm like i don't have a pet license. Oh my God. So I'm like, what's, what's happening? And he, he's like, well, he's turning into a werewolf. That's what he goes. He's like, uh, I, uh, I'm sorry.

You know, when I get, oh, when I get so turned on, I like to pretend that I'm a werewolf. He did not say that. He actually said that. No, he actually said when he gets turned on, he likes to pretend he's a werewolf. Is that why he was kicking his leg? You said he was kicking his leg.

Yeah, like the early section was like the werewolf building. So after they shit, they like, they cover up the shit with the... Exactly. Exactly. Yeah, he had the zoomies. He had the zoomies. So I was, there was a five minute build up of like, uh, uh, uh, until he became the werewolf. Now he's the werewolf, right?

So then anyway, he's howling, he comes in and he takes like his two fingers and he puts them down my skirt and he puts his fingers in me. But then he immediately pulls it out and then sticks it in his mouth and he's like sucking, but he's also like, like chewing on it in the corners of his mouth.

Like a dog toy. I wish the people listening could see what we're seeing. Just the act. This is so wild. I'm like, I have no... It's hard to do color commentary on this. Can you say he's chewing on his fingers like a dog toy, Elna? Like a dog toy.

He's like... But he's making direct eye contact the whole time for like a minute, you know? And so I'm just like... God, he just met you. I'm like, I'm right here. I would pay £50,000 just to be able to be in His eyes seeing your eyes in that moment, just to see the look on your face. Jesus Christ. Also, the fact that you let Him finger you after He was howling makes you, I think the legend of the week is that you're the, I mean we need to work on your safety. That's all I can think about right now is like,

how soon did he leave? Like that's where I'm already at. I'm like, yeah. Okay, wait, so he's fingered you, he's chewing on his fingers. While making direct eye contact. No. I'm just like, I'm right here, I can see you, like I don't know what to do about this. I'm watching what you're doing. And then he takes it down to a whisper, and he leans into my ear and he's like, you know what I want? What I really, really want? I want to go for a walk. No.

I'm sorry. You know what I want? What I really, really want? I want to go for a walk. He's like, I want to be your lover. I want to be your friend. And then I laugh and he's like... Because there's a Spice Girls lyrics. Yeah, that's why. He goes, why is that funny? And I was like, that's a Spice Girls song. And he's like, it is?

And I'm like, yeah, that's their main song. He was like, I don't know this song, how does it go? And I'm like, I'll tell you what I want, what I really really want. Oh my God. And then I'm like, I want you to leave. He was like, yeah, I don't know that song. And I was like, well, those aren't the lyrics.

I made the last part up, but I do really, I think you should leave. It's like the biggest red flag is not knowing Spice Girls. He was totally surprised. He picked up his snap-on shirt, which by the way, the snap-on shirt is such a telling detail. Something meditative. Totally, because he's like, oh, you drive me wild. I'm feral.

Fortunately, I'm wearing a snap-on shirt. And then, like, if you go on a date with a guy in a snap-on shirt. It's the same as Velcro trousers, as in, like, the ones that, like, you can whip off like a stripper. They're the Magic Mike trousers. Totally. So then he buttons, like he slowly buttons every snap button and like I walk him to, you know,

we're at the door. You just walk him, just leave it at that. You walk him. I walk him, I walk him. So we're at my bedroom door and he just turns around and he's like, can I at least lick your asshole? What? Well, that's fair.

That is kind of dog behavior. That is kind of wolf dog behavior. It's all kind of tracks for him, you know. He's in a polyamory wolf pack. He said, at least. Can I at least lick your asshole? And I'm like, that's not how people say goodbye. Who says goodbye like that?

That's how wolves say goodbye though. Well, that's how I'm gonna be saying goodbye to everyone now. That's right, Morgan. That's how wolves say goodbye. That's how wolves say goodbye. I know. But you let him, right?

I mean, I've been married for seven years. No one had licked my asshole. No, you know. Wait, did you actually let him lick your asshole? No, I didn't. I didn't let him. Okay, just now. I don't want to find out how a werewolf- I actually appreciate your tone of like, no. I'm not crazy at this point in the story. I'm so impressed with how far you let that go.

And I'm so impressed with him for that outro. What an outro, what a legendary, like I would want that on my epitaph as my last words. Can I at least lick your arsehole? Unbelievable. Please tell me that that was the story that immediately jumped to mind when we asked you for one. No, the best part. I think this is, I was, I kept telling more story. I was like, I don't have that many bad dates. I told one, I told another. I think this was the sixth story I told and I didn't even know it was that insane.

Well, I guess you're coming back then, Elna, to tell me some other stories another time. But that was one of the, that was the dumbest shit I've ever heard. This man is a hero. He's a hero. He's the hall of famer. What's his name? Wow, so many. Yeah.

You've ruined Antonio Banderas for me forever. Forever. He's who I've pictured for the whole story because you said that at the top. So now I can never watch Evita again. Thanks a bunch, Elna. And I can never hear Werewolf in London. We'll be right back. Hello, I'm Hannah.

And I'm Saruti. And we are the hosts of Red Handed, a weekly true crime podcast. Hello, I'm Hannah. And I'm Saruti. And we are the hosts of Red Handed, a weekly true crime podcast. Every week on Red Handed, we get stuck into the most talked about cases. From Idaho student killings, the Delphi murders, and our recent rundown of the Murdoch saga. Last year, we also started a second weekly show, Shorthand, which is just an excuse for us to talk about anything we find interesting because it's our show and we can do what we like. We've covered the death of Princess Diana, an unholy Quran written in Saddam Hussein's

blood, the gruesome history of European witch hunting, and the very uncomfortable phenomenon of genetic sexual attraction. Whatever the case, we want to know what pushes people to the extremes of human behavior. Like can someone give consent to be cannibalized? What drives a child to kill? And what's the psychology of a terrorist? Listen to Red Handed wherever you get your podcasts and access our bonus short-hand episodes exclusively on Amazon Music or by subscribing to Wondry Plus in Apple Podcasts or the Wondry app.

Hello, I'm Johnny Knoxville. And I'm Elna Baker and we have a new podcast that's called Pretty Sure I Can Fly. Yep, we've teamed up with my friends and bar mates from SmartList to create a podcast where we talk to folks who have more balls in a bowling alley. People who accomplish something extraordinary despite people telling them that it couldn't or shouldn't be done. You'll hear stories about the Air Force doctor who buckled into a 600 mile per hour rocket sled and became the fastest man on the planet.

And a man who wrestles alligators and sharks for fun. Do not do this. You'll hear about a foul-mouthed moonshiner. Got a two-inch dick and a six-inch tongue and knows how to use both of them. And an even more foul-mouthed female stunt pilot. We got bull riders, balloonists, bobsledders, and big wave surfers. People who lay their balls on an anvil and hand the other fellow the hammer. I bet you've actually done that, Johnny. Maybe for sweeps. Follow Pretty Sure I Can Fly on the Wondery app.

Or wherever you get your podcast. You can listen to Pretty Sure I Can Fly early and ad free right now on Wondery Plus. And we're back. Morgan, your story is called Sensual Encounters of the Third Kind. Yeah. You know, this is honestly very embarrassing because I should just say first off that I'm actually 49. Second off, no.

So, mine was, so I have, all right, so me and my girlfriend, we've been together for a while. We've actually known each other for about a decade and we first started hooking up casually and, uh, you know, we had a threesome and then we were like, this was fun. So we joined this app called at the time it was called Thrinder. Now Thrinder was an app for finding threesomes and then it was changed to field. So if anybody knows, so there's an, so they, they, they changed it from Thrinder, I guess it was too close to dinner to field. So we joined this app and then we matched

with a, like a grassroots sex party group that was like advertising on this app, you know? And so I'm taking you back. So this is like our sixth sex party. And which already feels like a lot when I say it out loud. Oh no, your face is showing signs of shame. Don't be. It's very sex positive. Oh my God, finger by a wolf. We're fine.

So anyway, you know, the first couple sex parties are fun. They're exciting. As a comedian, it's like, I gotta try everything. I gotta see what's out there. This could be hilarious. The first sex party we went to, I remember it was like a nice four story townhouse in Santa Monica.

It was actually really beautiful. And we're leaving, we're like going down the stairs and we see a couple and they're fighting and the guy is like, I'm going to move the microphone. He starts yelling at his girlfriend like, we said no penetration. Okay. That's what we said. That's what we said. And we were kind of, you know, giggling on the way out because you know, sex party, gonna sex party. You know what I mean? You don't show up to a sex party. You know, it's not a sex party, you know what I mean? So we're, we're, we're, we're dipping a funny story

about that. So for a while I was working part-time at the Apple store. I'm a full-time comedian now and I'm like touring and all that stuff. And the guy who hosted that sex party came into the Apple store to upgrade his iPhone. And I remember, I remember locking eyes with him and I said, I know you, as I hold my Apple pencil, I said, I know who you are. Um, but, uh,

but fast forward a couple of parties and, um, we had to make, we had to like run an errand and stop somewhere beforehand. And I parked in a CVS, There's a CVS on Cahuenga and I parked in that lot and my girlfriend's friend lived around the corner. We couldn't find parking. I parked in that spot. We went up there for a second, came back, car was gone, car was towed on the way to the sex party. So I was already in a bad mood. I was like, I can't let this car stay overnight in the tow garage. So I was like, we gotta also tow garage,

kind of a funny name. I don't know, can mean other things. But so we go pick up the car. It's like 10 PM. And it's still early for like, for a sex party. Do you know what I mean? So we pick up the car. I'm for a sex party. You know We pick up the car I'm in a bad roll off till midnight Yeah, you know we pick up the car

I'm in a bad mood because I did just drop $400 to take my car out of this thing and she's like well Like do you want to go still like maybe the night could be salvaged? You know we can like I'm like yeah, we might as well. We're already on this side of town, so We go and this this sex party was in like a really nice apartment in downtown LA, but it was like a one bedroom apartment. Normally like at one point we were joking, like we just liked going to these to see the homes. Cause some of the homes were just like, the bathrooms were nice and there was like, It was a decor inspiration.

Yeah. It was like a sexy open house. You know what I mean? And so But this one was like a really small one bedroom apartment and um Oh, that's not good. It's not good and everybody was kind of like I don't the the energy in the room I maybe I brought the energy in because I was already in a bad mood But I think there was a lot of first timers at the party They didn't really know what was going to go on. And then like- Wait, how many people crammed into a what bedroom?

I mean, at this party, I have to say there was probably like 20. Oh my God. But it was a big living room and it was a big one bedroom. Okay. So like, you know, but we're having sex in this room and this, and like 10 or 15 minutes in, this guy like pops out of a, what I thought was a closet, but it was a full bathroom.

And he was like, Hey, I went to use the bathroom. I've been in here. Uh, I'm going to just leave. I just feel like I don't, I just got to get out of here. You know, like he like, so he was in there for like 10 minutes waiting for, I guess for us to finish then like out of nowhere. And again, I'm very sex positive, but I just wasn't in the head space for this, you know, this guy comes up from behind me and starts like rubbing my shoulders and he's like watching what's happening.

He's like, he's like, yeah, he's basically like, yeah, dude, yeah, dude, you know, sorry, I have vocal effects. I just wanted to get some story. I can't believe you just did that. I love it. Yeah, dude, yeah, dude, you know, and so, yeah dude, yeah dude. You know? And so, yeah, yeah dude. Sex party, let's go.

I'm in love with those sex parties. And so, and that music started playing and I said, what is going on? No, that didn't happen. But I just want to say guys, for anybody listening, I'm available to do like local sex parties if you want. It's very on brand for the music that I sing and perform at my concerts. Oh god, honestly, that sex party song is one of the best songs of the year. You have to release it on TikTok, I think. Let's go. This is so unhinged.

This has never happened on any podcast I've ever done before. Thank you. Thank you, Morgan. You're a fucking legend. All right. Before you guys go, before I let you go, thank you for spending so much time with me and telling me so many honest stories. We have a story from one of our listeners.

They send in sometimes the most amazing voicemails. And this is a story from Kate about her bad date. Take it away, Kate. Kate Sills I went on a Tinder date a few years ago with a cute, shy med student at a cocktail bar. So I asked him what he was specializing in, and he said gynecology. So I made some perfunctory joke about knowing his way around a woman's body. And then I asked, so do you just do pap smears all day? He laughed and he said, what?

No, they wouldn't let me near a human woman. What? Okay. So he went on to explain that he did ultrasounds on monkeys all day for his job and the conversation sort of went like this. Oh, weird. Okay.

So you just rub the jelly on their little tummies and then do ultrasound. He said, no, you know, the monkeys are too small. So we need to go inside of them. I was fascinated and I said, Oh my God, what? So you do a transvaginal ultrasound on them with a wand? He said, no, their vaginas are too small to stick the wand up. So we have to go up their butt. I said, what? You have to stick a wand up their butt? Tell me everything. Do you have to use lube? doesn't the poop get in the way of the camera he was trying to change the subject at this point I realized sort of how unsexy it was so you know he's uncomfortable at this

point but he said well actually the wand is too big so I have to put a little camera on my pinky and stick it up there. You stick your pinky in a monkey's asshole, you get paid all day to stink your monkey buttholes. He's trying to retain a little bit of dignity, try to salvage this date. And he said, well, when I was an intern, it was actually my job to scoop out the poop with my finger, but now someone does that for me by the time I get there. So I said, wow, what a promotion. The date was pretty much cooked by them. Thanks, talk to you all later. I love that.

I want to stay on that date. That sounds like a fun date. That's more fun than most conversations. I don't know why he was so embarrassed by that. I know. I mean, it's not the hottest of subjects. I'm so horribly disturbed by that entire interaction. Is he from New York?

Elna, you said all of New York fingered you. Do you know if this... Did he wash his fingers? That's my question now. She's not a monkey. All right, Morgan. No, I just... Okay, yeah, I guess that.

Beautiful young woman. Yeah. But my favorite part is the fact that he's telling her about his promotion where he's like, no, my job used to be to basically, well, scoop the monkey poo out with his pinkie and now it's someone else's job. It's so upsetting.

All of that is so upsetting. And also, I mean, she didn't have to go full Barbara Walters on him, but I respect her because she did. I'd want to know. I think all of us would want to know everything. We would all have asked all the same questions, right? It's his fault for having a weird fucking job. Yeah. What are they trying to learn from all this fingering?

I don't know. What is the science here? I'm not sure. You know what? I actually think for the first time in my life, I don't want to know. You know what? I'm suddenly with you. I'm like, you know what? That was a great story. Yeah, I think I think she she made it. She made it. No. Yeah. You know what? As much as she might have made it a bit awkward and weird,

it wouldn't have been awkward and weird if he didn't have such a fucking weird job. We're all the way on Kate's side. It's because he started with the guy. If he just said, oh, I work with animals and just left it there. You know what I mean? Like, why do you have to be like, I'm a gynecologist? It's like, you're why do you have to be like, I'm a god, I'm an oncologist. It's like, why do you have to be clever about it? Why do you call yourself that?

That's intense. Yeah, that's just weird. Oh man. It's a strange world out there and I thank you so much for all of your stories and Kate, thank you for that story. You sound like a fucking great day and a right love and I love your curiosity. I love all of you. We've never met before, but I feel very, very close to you. And I think this went really well. As far as first date, I don't know, like a vocal orgy with a live DJ.

Girls, I think this was top notch, 10 out of 10. Thank you for coming. You're the best. Thank you for having us. Thank you so much for having us, lady. Before we go, will you tell everyone where they can find you and what you've got coming up at the moment? Morgan? You guys can go to morganj.com.

I have a 30 city tour coming up. We start in September. We're zigzagging all over America. Sex parties across the United States. Sex parties across the United States. And then my comedy special, which I can promote, is out now. You can watch it on YouTube. It's called Morgan J Live at the Village. And if you watch that with a significant other,

you guys will, or a second or third date, I promise you will hook up. I set up, I lay a lot of groundwork in the special for you guys to hook up. That's amazing. Baby making comedy. Absolutely. I love it.

Yeah. Elna, you can find, I've been at This American Life for 12 years, so you can find many of my stories on their website. I'm also currently writing a book that I'm about to take out to sell. And the only thing I I have a disclaimer, because in the middle of the episode, you said, to help Morgan not feel ashamed, Elna got fingered by a wolf,

and I wanna make sure if anyone tuned in halfway through, that they don't think my story was a lie. I put a wolf paw in my pussy. I did not do that. I didn't do that. Thank you for that. That would have been some weird headlines. And Rachel? You can find me on Instagram at Rachel Harris.

Hooray! Thank you so much. I can't wait for all your projects. Everyone go follow them, everyone go find them, go watch all their shit. You're the best, thank you for coming. Thank you. Thank you so much. Thank you. Bad Dates is produced by Smartless Media and Wondery. Created by Robert Cohen.

Executive producers are Robert Cohen and Jamila Jamil. That's me. Produced by Stuart Bailey. Produced, engineered and edited by Devon Torrey Bryant. Also engineered and edited by Kyle McGraw. Talent producer is Anne Harris. Associate producer is Maddie McCann. Music by Cushy and Evan Schletter.

Executive producers are Will Arnett, Jason Bateman, and Sean Hayes. Executive producers for Smart List Media are Richard Coulson and Bernie Kaminsky. If you've had a bad date and you'd like to tell us all about it, our number is 984-265-3283 and our email is baddatespod at gmail.com. We can't wait to hear all about it.

That's all for this week. We will see you next time listen to Bad Dates early and ad-free on Amazon Music. Download the Amazon Music app today. Or you can listen early and ad free with Wondery Plus and Apple Podcasts. Before you go, tell us about yourself by completing a short survey at Wondery.com slash survey.