Bad Dates with Jameela Jamil - Re-Release: The Fart That Broke My Heart (w/ Jack Whitehall, Katherine Ryan, and Hanna Dickinson)

Episode Date: March 11, 2024

For the next few weeks, please enjoy repeat performances of some of the Bad Dates team's favorite episodes.On this episode of Bad Dates, Jameela welcomes comedians Jack Whitehall, Katherine Ryan, and Hanna Dickinson to discuss their most iconic dating fiascos. Jack bottles it up over a broken bottle, Katherine explains why sometimes you SHOULD go home again, and Hanna’s date offers her an unexpected injection. Plus, Jameela shares a listener letter about the worst kind of fashion accessory.Jack Whitehall: Settle Down on Netflix, The Afterparty on Apple TV+Katherine Ryan: Telling Everybody Everything, Missus on SkyHanna Dickinson: Ha Ha Land, hannadickinson.comSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

I'm Peter Frank-Apenn and I'm Afro-Hersh and we're here to tell you about our new season of Legacy Covering the iconic troubled musical genius that was Nina Simone. Full disclosure This is a big one for me Nina Simone one of my favourite artists of all time somebody who's had a huge impact on me who I think objectively stands apart for the level of her talent, the audacity of her message. If I was a first year at university, the first time I sat down and really listened to her and engaged with her message, it totally flawed me. And the truth and pain and messiness

of her struggle that's all captured in unforgettable music that has stood the test of time. I think that's fair, Peter. I mean, the way in which her music comes across is so powerful, no matter what song it is. So join us on Legacy for Nina Simone. Hello, I am Alice Levine and I am one of the hosts of Wondries podcast British Scandal. On our latest series The Race to Ruin, we tell the story of a British man who took part in the first ever round the world sailing race. Good on him I hear you say, but there is a problem, as there always is in this show.

The man in question hadn't actually sailed before. Oh, and his boat wasn't sea worthy. Oh, and also tiny little detail almost didn't mention it. He bet his family home on making it to the finish line. Wattenseud was one of the most complex cheating plots in British sporting history. To find out the full story follow British scandal wherever you listen to podcasts or listen early and add free on Wondry Plus on Apple Podcasts or the Wondry App. Adminton sexy. Okay, maybe that's a stretch. But if I say pop star and shuttlecocks, you know who I'm talking about? No?

Short shorts? Free cocktails? Careless whispers? Okay, last one. It's not Andrew Ridgely. Yeah, that's right. It's Stone Cold icon George Michael. From teen pop sensation to one of the biggest solo artists

on the planet, join us for our new series, George Michael's Fight for Freedom. From the outside, it looks like he has it all, but behind the trademark dark sunglasses is a man in turmoil. George is trapped in a lie of his own making, with a secret he feels would ruin him if the truth ever came out.

Follow Terribly Famous wherever you listen to your podcast, or listen early and ad-free on Wondery Plus on Apple Podcasts or the Wondery app. Hello, bad dates listeners. Producer Devvin Bryant back again with another of my favorite episodes from our first year. This is one we titled, The Fart That Broke My Heart, for reasons which should become clear again as you listen. But I also recall suggesting the alternate title, Trousers at Half-Mest, which is another one of the funniest moments in this episode. It features Jack Whitehall, Katherine Ryan, and Hannah Dickinson, who are all hilarious.

Jack Whitehall has a new stand-up special on Netflix that's fantastic called Settle Down. I would highly recommend checking that out. And then the other reason this episode is special to me is that I got to chat with Catherine Ryan, who I'm a huge fan of anyway, but who also became the sixth Taskmaster competitor that I've met. Some bad dates listeners may already be fans of Taskmaster. If you don't know it, it's a very light and silly but surprisingly profound game show. It's really great. That whole show is free on YouTube. And again, I would highly recommend it. You are not curious, but if you are curious, I've met Katherine Ryan, May Martin, Russell Howard, Ashlyn B., Ed Gamble, and James A. Castor from the Taskmaster world. And honestly, all been lovely people. As were Jack and Hannah,

too, on this fabulous episode of Bad Dates, please enjoy an encore performance. I mean, Jack, you were dating people while still living with your parents for a fair chunk of time. Yeah, I always used to say that my analogy for having sex while I was living in my parents' house was that it was always like arriving late at the theater and trying to find your seat. There's a lot of shuffling, a bit of shushing, a pause, and then from somewhere in the darkness just a whispered, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Which it was, it was just so unromantic.

There's a Canadian comedian, Tom State, who has a joke about that having sex with your spouse when you have small children and then it sounds very dark like some type of like hostage situation where he's like, shh, if you wake them up I'll fucking kill you. Remember that bit. Yeah, yeah. Bad dates. Oh Jesus Christ, Catherine, Ryan, Jack Whitehall and Hannah Dickinson. Welcome to Bad Dates. Hello. Hello.

You're having us. That's always the worst bit. I always say hello to everyone at the same time and no one wants to be that cunt that jumps in first but I'm very, very, very, very, very happy to have you here. Hannah, you and I are not super familiar with each other, but Jack and Catherine, I've known you pretty much our whole careers. I just kind of want to first get into, before we get into your stories, what each of you feel about the world of dating. Catherine, I'm going to start with you. How did you enjoy dating? Did you enjoy it? Because I feel like you must be an amazing date. One of my great life regrets is never having dated you because I feel like you'd be so fun.

What am I like to date? Probably terrible because I used to date these massive losers who would feel badly about themselves because they were with me and I was such an angel. I really think I'm perfect. I'm really easy to get along with. I pay for everything. I don't like to fight. I communicate very clearly. I articulate myself for a living.

I usually like to have sex with anyone who's emptying the dishwasher. Like I'm a really fun person to date, but they didn't have fun with me because I didn't like them taking drugs or cheating on me or lying or doing all that scoundrel behavior. But I don't... That's very stiff of you. Yeah. So I don't date strangers.

That's the only thing. So I'm captivated by this American culture of dating. I think it's cool. The dishwasher thing is real. James, the other day, we were just finishing up a holiday and I was in the pool and so that I could stay in the pool longer. He packed all of my stuff up, packed my bags and he was in there doing that and I was like, that is the sauciest thing I have ever seen. I have never felt such like a physical wave of like, oh my God, he is flirting with

me so hard right now. Why is that so attractive? I find that very attractive. Anyone that can load a dishwasher or pack a bag really efficiently, like seeing someone that's capable, because I'm incapable of doing that, and watching someone like, like tetrasize a dishwasher, I think is like, it's I'm stood there and in all. Rock hard. Yeah. I was about to say that someone that's amazing at it is my mother, but that's a rather Freudian thing to bring into this podcast at this juncture.

But I think it's definitely something that has tried to my mom and dad to each other. I was going to say that, Jack, that I've met your mother and I feel that Hilary Whitehall is one of the women that I most admire, her choice of power suit alone. Yes. I mean, Jack, I got to fall in love with your mother around the same time that I became friends with you

because she was just so heavily involved in your life that it was like, if you're friends with Jack, you're friends with Hillary. Yeah. Jack, when we were first hanging out, because we just kept on going out for dinner all the time, which when you're 22 is like, I think I was like 23, you were 22.

It was confusing. I was like, are these dates? I don't think they're dates. And it was confirmed not to be a date when you started farting in my handbag regularly. And then it became clear. Yeah, I think. Well, hang on.

I think these were dates. Let's circle back to the dinners. Because I feel like. That's what I was gonna say. I hate that. That's the worst. What do you mean? I just feel like everyone I hate that. That's the worst. What do you mean? I just feel like everyone I date have dated.

I found out they weren't dates like eight dates in. They're like, no, we're just going to dinner and having sex, this isn't a date. I don't think either of us knew what was going on. Like we were also like such unics at that age. Don't you agree, Jack? Like we knew each other was new and also we were so grateful to meet a friend

because we were both so weird that I think we both found this industry quite alienating. And so I think we just wanted to hang out all the time. But I think for other people around us, it was probably more confusing than for us. We just get them farting at each other. Yeah. The farting is significant, though.

It was significant. We'd be eating, it was always like some sort of a form of an itzu restaurant, which is like a sort of a sushi restaurant in Britain. But he just suddenly completely seriously with no sense of irony, but like, get up, get up, get up immediately, get up immediately and go and stand in the corner, go and stand in the corner right now. And it's because he just farted. And I was always like, why do I have to leave?

Surely you as the perpetrator should leave. I should definitely. But I think I then changed my habits and realized that that was possibly quite a deterrent to not just ladies, but anyone in your life. And so then I seized farting in front of any potential date. But then I do remember I had a very significant fart that happened in my life after the breakup of my first kind of long-term relationship and I hadn't heard

her fart for six years and then we broke up but we were sort of still living in the same house for like three months and then she farted in front of me for the first time in six years and it was a fart that had been held, well I don't think it had been held in for six years. I think she had probably been farting elsewhere, just not in my presence. And I remember it being like this really crushing moment, because it was the moment that I realised that the relationship was genuinely over. And I cry, I remember crying, like, not in front of her, but I excuse myself in the room and I was like, if she's farted in front of me, then it's definitely over. And I just had like a little sob in the loo on my own.

And it was the fart that broke my heart. Oh my God. This really is so sad. So Hannah, what would you say you feel about the dating world? I hate it, but I also have herpes and I'm also sober. So it's like those two things are tough going into it. And I do stand up, which as a woman, it's like not that attractive.

Because I talk shit. Stand up is the worst of those, yeah. Is that because they're afraid you're gonna talk about them on stage? Probably. And probably because I do. Yeah. Yeah.

Have you always been sober dating? No, I got sober two years ago. Okay, okay, okay. I've always been sober dating? No, I got sober two years ago. Okay, okay, okay. I've always been sober dating, so I've never, ever, ever had an inebriated shag or fingering and that is... Well, no one's fingering anymore. Well, some people are fingering.

I'm getting fingered out here. Yeah, yeah. Wow! In America, we're getting fingered. Thank you. Plus, I'm dating in LA and every guy's on a diet, so no one's eating pussy either. Did you say every guy's on a diet, so nobody's eating pussy? It feels that way.

I don't like to bother people, so I'm like, alright, do whatever you want. Jack, it's time for teppanyaki dinner. Also, do you just take all of your girls to Asian restaurants? Oh, it was a date. No, I'm joking. No, this story involves no farting at all. Okay. This was my first date back having come out of the six year relationship. The one that ended with the sad small fart.

With the sad small fart. And so it was my, I was sort of released back out into the wild and this was my first date and so I was quite kind of nervous. I'd sort of forgotten how to do it. And I booked a teppanyaki restaurant in Kensington and I arrived with my date who I'd been set up with by a friend and we were led to a table right in the middle of the room, which I was not particularly keen on if I'm on a date subsequently. I'm always like to sort of be tucked away in the corner away from prying eyes. It's a very light room as well, so I felt very exposed and

on show in the middle of this room. And I studied, I think I did a big dick swinging red wine order, ordered like some ridiculous bottle of wine, because I thought that would be some kind of a flex. And then ordered the special, which was a sizzling teppanyaki beef plate. Subsequently turned out that she was a vegan. So that was probably not a great thing to order with her there, but I was sort of committed already

and was really, I don't know, I don't know why, but what you're showing off getting- Wait, so had you started this dinner with like, allow me, right? Yeah, I was really, I don't know, I don't know why, but Wait, so had you started this dinner with like, Allow Me? Right? Yeah, I was like, we'll get the most expensive wine we're gonna get. Yeah, the special, the teppanyaki beef plate and then she was like, I'm not gonna go anywhere near that because I'm a vegan. I was like, oh great, and I don't really drink red wines.

I'm drinking that on my own as well. And then they brought over the teppanyaki beef plate and put it down in the middle of the table and had like the sort of sizzling hot plate which was there to cook the beef on. And then the waiter came over with the red wine and started pouring the red wine and as he poured the red wine he accidentally knocked over my glass of red wine, which then smashed onto the sizzling hot plate and then sprayed up boiling hot red wine into my face and eyes and all over her as well. I screamed. I was like, not shout, like a proper like scream. And everyone, I was like, ah! And in the physique and I couldn't see because it was in my eyes. I was wearing a white shirt as well, completely covered in the white shirt.

Wait, you're in the middle of the restaurant, so you have a 360 degree. In the middle of the restaurant, everyone is now, like I feel everyone's gaze on me, and they're all looking, some of them are getting out their camera phones, and I'm there. And then the Britishness kicks in as well.

I'm apologising like it's my fault, and turning the waiter, it's absolutely fine. I wanted to taste the wine that way. It's always good to get the full effect of the wine when you can have it through your eyes and face and feel it through the pores of your skin as well. And then it got to right to the end of the meal, I remember, and the bill came and they'd still charged me for everything, the wine, the service. I remember. And the bill came and they'd still charged me for everything, the wine, the service, everything. I was like, that's a bit surprised,

but I didn't want to make a scene. He had literally smashed a bottle of red wine like into my face. I was like, at the very least maybe that wine's coming off the bill, but it didn't. So I just signed and paid the bill and then was on the way out and my date went to the toilet, presumably to text her friend and say, give me an excuse to get the hell out of here.

And then the matriot was leaving. And what was the excuse? What was the excuse? Well, no, no, she said, was everything okay with your meal? And I looked down at my shirt, which was like blood spattered. I looked like Carrie. And I said, well, I mean, it was fine, but I mean, you're way too did smash a glass

of boiling red wine into my face and all over my clothes. And I think if that happens in the future, it might be pertinent to omit that from the bill. And she was like, oh, I'm so sorry, please let me take that off. I was like, no, no, no, I wasn't saying, I want it taken off the bill. I'm more than happy to pay for it. But I just think it happens again. You'm more than happy to pay for it. I don't want to look cheap. Exactly.

No, I insist. Let me take it off the bill. No, no, no, no, you can't take it off the bill. She said, give me your credit card. Literally, my date then walked back out to see me having a tug of war with the bill and my credit card. I don't want to pay for it. Please don't make me pay for it. And then I managed to rip the bill off her and run it, literally bolting out of the restaurant to avoid the awkward situation. And I was just, I just handled it completely wrong and was so sort of self-conscious and embarrassed

and just, it was horrendous. How much was the bottle of wine? 100 pounds plus. I know what's happening here, by the way. I know exactly what's happening, Jack. Go on, what's happening? You are a skilled entertainer. I know that you're very suave with the ladies.

There is an opening for the Late Late Show, and this is the antithesis of a James Corden restaurant story. And you are positioning yourself here now on this podcast as a man of the people. He says, you're gonna bring my wife the wrong omelet? No problem. You could smash a boiling bottle of wine in my face. I'll pay for it and say thank you.

And this is a talk show host that I think the nation can get behind. You're a great guy. And I like what you've done here. We'll use this as the clip. Don't worry, Jack. We're gonna push you as far as we can. I am, but I am genuinely a horrendous complainer.

And I think that is part of the issue with me in a date situation or a restaurant situation. So you're horrendous at complaining. I'm horrendous at complaining. We had, I took Roxy for dinner and Roxy is a pescatarian. And we told the waiter before that she was pescatarian and one of the dishes they brought her had foie gras on it.

Which is, I mean that's not a great one to bring someone that is a pescatarian and so... You made Roxy eat it. No, I didn't make her eat it but I was like, it's just fine. I'll just don't say anything. We just leave it there. I'll subtly eat it off your plate and we'll be fine. Like I think if someone gives you foie gras against your will, you're very within your rights

to say something, but even in that situation, I couldn't bring myself to. I've also realized I've now, it may, I'm... All my dates, I'm ordering, yes, but I'm ordering 100 pound bottles of red wine and eating foie gras. I think maybe I'm losing my appeal as the man of the people. No, no, no, because of your accent,

people assume you're a tosser from the second you have your mouth anyway, don't worry. Thank you. Thank you very much. Yeah, I also worked at a restaurant where, and it was a kind of big chain restaurant where the waiters would come back and report if someone had been rude or like off or difficult

and the chefs would put their hands down their pants and rub their hands around a bit and and then just flick or put that in the food. There was also a period of waiters thinking it was really funny to store up come and put it in the carbonara. So I never ate at work even though that was supposed to be a perk. Obviously. But I can't say because it's a really big chain. Well, thank you for that story. I'm very glad to see that you have not been permanently blinded by that tapenaki and wine. And I'm glad you've lived to see another day. We'll be right back.

We'll be right back. Bad Gates. Hey, listener. It's Sean Hayes. Do you know when Crystal Pepsi was discontinued or what was in Al Capone's vault? If not, then you haven't spent enough time on Wikipedia. But that's okay because you can learn all about it on the new podcast, Wiki Hole, from all of us here at SmartList Media. Discover the craziest rabbit holes on Wikipedia with host Darcy Cardin and her favorite comedian friends

as they bring the cyber frontier directly to your tympanic membrane. And if you listen to WikiHole, you learn that's the sciencey term for eardrum. WikiHole is the wild, wild west of Wikipedia. Starting out on one Wikipedia page, they go from link to link to link to link, careening through trivia, oddities,

and unexpected connections until everyone wonders, how the hell did we get here? Follow Wicky Hole on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. You can listen to Wicky Hole ad free by joining Wondery Plus in the Wondery app or on Apple Podcasts. Today, hip hop dominates pop culture, but it wasn't always like that. And to tell the story of how that changed, I want to take you back to a very special year in rap. I'm Will Smith. This is Class of 88, my new podcast about the moments, albums and artists that inspired a sonic revolution and secured 1988 as one of hip hop's most important years. We'll talk to the people who were there. And most of all, we'll bring you some amazing stories. You know what my biggest memory from that tour is? It was your birthday.

Yes, and you brought me to Shoddy. Life-sized artwork cut out. This is Class of 88, the story of a year that changed hip hop. Follow Class of 88 on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. And we're back. Katherine, your story is called Who Do You Think You Are? Yes.

So I was invited to do this BBC ancestry show that Jack has also been on, and it's called Who Do You Think You Are? So to do this program, they don't tell you where you're gonna go. All they do is tell you where you're gonna begin because they want to get your natural surprise reaction on camera.

I explained to them that Botox ship has sailed, but I was excited to sign up for the show. One thing that you never expect on who do you think you are is to hook up because you're searching your ancestry, like everyone's family, no one's packing condoms for that flight. So I go home, totally single, always wanting to be single, and my sister begged me to go to the pub that night because we didn't know how long I'd be in town for

in the town I grew up in. So I went out with her to the pub that night because we didn't know how long I'd be in town for in the town I grew up in. So I went out with her to the pub and in walks my high school boyfriend. He will always be my first love. He will always be the second dude I lost my virginity to. Someone I always really had feelings for. Someone normal that I dated before I started dating all these comedian losers and Musicians and all that jazz and so I found that very humbling and he looked really sexy Which is great when you used to have sex with someone when they were a teenager And then you see them in their late 30s and you think they're hotter than they were when they're a teenager

That's what you want. So right away. I said to myself great Catherine like you don't fancy teenagers You find this man hotter, like older, a bit wrinkled, a bit gray. It's such a relief, right? We can't all do that test on ourselves, but I was like, oh, he's really fit. And then I was drinking with my sister, of course. So I said, I'm gonna bang him for a laugh, just for a laugh.

Because when are you gonna see your high school boyfriend in a pub? And that's why everyone loves Canadian girls too, because we'll just bang you for a laugh. Like British girls, karaoke, pub quiz, I'll suck your dick at my mom's house while I'm in town for 24 hours. So I brought him back to my mom's house

and we had this wild night where I, again, I never have one night's dance, never, but I felt like this didn't count because he was my high school boyfriend. So I thought it was just really funny, all our friends, our school friends will get a laugh out of it, whatever. And because I've been drinking, I was uncharacteristically vocal.

I know that I was being loud. My childhood, during sex I was being loud. I don't remember what I was saying, but I know that. Oh, you were saying words and not just moaning, you actually delivering big sentences. I think so. I think so. Doing bits. Uh-oh. I think I was doing bits.

Doing bits. Go on. I was doing Jack Whitehall's material. I didn't know what I was saying. Don't kill the mood. Stop talking about Jack Whitehall's dad. Yeah. I always talk about your dad during sex.

So the bed in my childhood bedroom was squeaky. I was making noise. I was definitely moaning. I was definitely just being obnoxious. I'm not normally that way. But my mom was not in town, so it was fine. She and her husband were out of town. I had the house to myself.

I was staying there for the night. And then in the morning, I made my ex-boyfriend leave. I was like, you have to get out of here. I never do this. I'm so embarrassed. I have to film today. I'm usually very responsible. You have to go.

So he left. And I had a little mini panic attack on the end of the bed. And I thought, pull yourself together, Catherine. You whore. Get downstairs. Make a cup of coffee. You have to go film. So I go into my mother's kitchen to make a pot of coffee.

And into this kitchen walks her husband's brother, who is a very lovely man. He's like 50 years old, single computer systems analyst, exactly the kind of guy who would be listening. I had forgotten that he is currently living with my mother and her husband, and he had been home the whole night. And he was in the next bedroom, my child at home is very small. Yeah, very thin walls.

And I could tell by the look on his face, like he had heard absolutely everything. He would have thought I was performing for him. I was that loud in such a small house. And I just was like, oh my God. And I was taken back to high school straight away. And I just looked at him. I couldn't speak. I thought I was going to be sick. I just looked at him and I was like, with my God, and I was taken back to high school straight away, and I just looked at him. I couldn't speak, I thought I was going to be sick.

I just looked at him and I was like, with my eyes, I tried to convey, like, you better not tell my mom about this, Pete. You better shut the fuck up about anything that you heard, like, you get out of here, Pete. And Pete is terrifying me at the best of times, so he ran off to work. And then I filmed the rest of the show. We had a great time filming it. I flew back to the UK. And my ex-boyfriend was really great.

Like, text did me right away. He was really complimentary about the 90s. Like, oh, I've missed you all these years. It's been so good to see what you're doing, da, da, da, da. And then we started a relationship. So you know, that first week I was just in love. I couldn't believe I was back. Where, you know, with the man, I always

thought I would marry my high school boyfriend. I loved him so much. we were chatting and chatting. And I have a way of telling everybody everything. I just, you know, I can't help it. So I was invited on the Jonathan Ross show. It's a chat show in the UK. And he asked me what I'd been up to all week. And I said, well, I flew home and I banged my high school boyfriend

at my mom's house for a laugh. And then we talked about that the whole interview. Because why not? Jonathan's my friend. So the next morning I get a phone call from my mom, and I had forgotten that they can access British television in Canada now. I always thought that everything I do in the UK is like a secret, but I always forget that of course my mom can watch it. So I thought that she was going to be cross about me shagging at her house, but instead,

I picked up the phone, I saw her name, and I kind of panicked, and I just said, hello? And she said, Catherine, did you threaten Pete? And I was like, what? No, no, I would never, I don't understand, like, what, what is, these accusations are coming from, what do you mean? And she goes, well, Catherine, last night I sat down with my husband, Ann Pete, to enjoy the Jonathan Ross show.

And you say that while you were home, you banged Bobby, your high school boyfriend, at my house for a laugh. Well, of course, Pete wasn't the house. Pete was home all night. And he was watching the program with us. So I turned to him and I said, Pete, what was she on about? Did you hear anything? Did you see anyone come in?

Tell us. What do you know Pete? It's all right, you can tell us. We're very open in our family. We like to have a laugh. And she said, Pete didn't say a word, Catherine. The whole program, you stared straight ahead, sweating. Yeah, he would not say a word, Catherine. And I need to know, like, don't lie to me.

Did you threaten our Pete? Cause Pete, and I said, no, but I just, I thought Pete that day, I didn't realize. I always thought Pete was kind, you know. And I said, no, but I just, I thought Pete that day, I didn't realize. I always thought Pete was kind of a nerd, like, you know, he's 50, he lives with my parents, but I was like, what a cool guy, like Pete's my bro. I love Pete.

By the way, that sounds like the best episode of Gogglebox ever. Son, watching that story being told. I know. And then the heads just turning to Pete. They did. They're like, Pete, go on. And my mom can be very intimidating.

Oh, my god. But Pete never said a word. He's my husband now. I married not Pete, but my high school boyfriend six months later. And I've asked Pete. I've been like, oh, come on, Pete. It's Christmas.

It's a laugh. Tell me what you heard. Like, what was I saying? I want to know. We're married now. what you heard. Like, what was I saying? I wanna know, we're married now, it's funny. Like, what happened? We don't remember. And Pete won't even tell me.

He is a great man. We call it Pete TSD that he's got. Yeah, he wants to talk about it. He wants to say, oh my God. It is so uncomfortable listening to people have sex or knowing that he was like, because I've had flatmates my whole life. I've never, ever, ever lived without flatmates.

And so I have been having sex like a mime my entire sexual life. Because there's just, even though we know it's so normal or so natural, there's just nothing more uncomfortable. A few months ago, I heard my neighbor having sex and it like gave me a panic attack because I was like, holy shit. Like if I can hear her having sex,

she can a hundred percent hear me. Like it didn't even sound like climactic sex. I'm scared she can hear me right now. It was just like very basic. And I was like, cause I was like, what is, is the TV on? Like what is that? But then there's also something awkward about putting music on so that no one else here

can have sex. Cause then they know you're putting music on to have sex and that also feels even more cringe. So I feel like the mime route is the way to go. God help us all. We'll be right back. Bad Gates. When I say the word history, what do you think about?

Horses and buggies and dust and a bunch of white dudes riding their horses and buggies in the and a bunch of white dudes, rodent-naked horses and buggies and a dust. Facts! Definitely not enough melanin on all those history books. But we are about to flip the script on all of that. From Wondery, this is Black History For Real. Together we'll weave Black History's most overlooked figures back into the rightful place in American culture and all over the world. Follow Black History for Real on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. Academy is a new scripted podcast

that follows Ava Richards, played by HBO's Industries, Myhalla Harald, a brilliant scholarship student who has to quickly adapt to her newfound eat or be eaten world. Ava's ambitions take hold and her small town values break in hopes of becoming

the first scholarship student to make the list. Bishop Gray is all coveted academic top 10, curated by the headmaster himself. But after realizing she has no chance at the list on her own, she reluctantly accepts an invitation to a secret underground society that pulls the strings on campus life and academic success. If she bends to their will, she'll have everything she's ever dreamed of. But at what cost? Academy takes you into the world

of a cutthroat private school where power, money, and sex collide in a game of life and death. Follow Academy on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. You can binge all episodes of Academy early and ad-free right now by joining Wondery Plus. And we're back.

Hannah, I want to hear about your worst date. It's called Love It's Blind. Can you tell me? Yeah, this happened a few years ago. I was set up by a coworker because I was in, I worked digital for Comedy Central and we had this talk show and a guy who I worked with was like,

oh, my friend has been watching the show and he wants to go out with you. And I was like, great. And he was in med school and he came down for a show and he was pretty quiet the whole night and then we went back to my place and he's just sitting on my couch and I'm just... Wait, wait, wait, wait, sorry, sorry, sorry. A show of yours, he came to watch you do a show.

Yeah, a show of mine. And then he was quiet. What does that mean? As in he didn't like your show? He... Yeah, that's what I thought. I thought something was wrong. I was like, what did I say in that show that he could have been so upset about?

So I was in my head like like I was trying to start conversation. He just was very quiet. And then he told me that his mom had died three months ago and he was still really upset. And I was like, I did obviously I felt, I felt so bad. I was like, I'm so sorry. Like I just met him. So I just, and also I was so pissed at my friend I worked with.

I was like, you couldn't have like given me this heads up. Like, you know, so I didn't know how to be there for him. So I literally just started like sucking his dick. And perfect. Perfect. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. It was just like awkward. So I just did it. How does one segue from the tears about one step mother to unzipping someone else's trousers?

I mean, there was like a half an hour between. Right, right, right, good. No, I think you just do it right away because you don't have to say anything. You just like lower down, put a stick in your mouth, you don't have to respond. You don't have to say anything. You have the perfect excuse.

Yeah, it's actually, it is more effective than an I'm sorry because who doesn't I'm sorry, it's just the thoughts and prayers So someone's dick you actually genuinely make them feel better. I guess about the situation I feel like Hannah has really cracked men and their trauma Jack wouldn't you? What do you think Jack? Yeah, well, I was really struggling when the Queen died and now I come to think of it On the menu at the time, I think it really could have helped me

through that difficult time. There you go. Sorry I couldn't be there. Trousers at half mast, to show my respect. And away we go. Lie back and think of England. Yeah. Okay, so Hannah, you are sucking his dick.

Tears in his eyes are sucking his dick. Yeah. Tears in his eyes, sucking his dick. And he finishes in my mouth. And then I was like really far from the bathroom. So I was like, I'll just spit it into this cup, which I should have swallowed. But I just, I don't- No, great, why? You don't have to swallow.

Yeah. And at the time I was really weird about food, so I also was just like, I didn't, it was just on a diet, so I was like, okay. It was a calorie thing. Yeah. It was a calorie thing. It usually is.

Is sperm keto? Yeah. Yeah, it is. I think it is. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's got the same enzymes as a pineapple. I think it's really good for you. I've never not swallowed, but go on.

That's a brag. I mean, I was a bit unnecessary, Catherine. I felt like that was a microaggression to a tonne. No, I'm just learning a lot about American dating culture. I didn't know that there were people spitting it out. I didn't know this. Yeah, but we eat street meat at the end of a night in Britain where you've spent far too long. All right, we have different standards. This is what I'm saying. Street meat euphemism for blowjobs Sorry, Hannah, so okay, so you you have spit it in your cup you spit it into a cup and he was like is that the cup that had my Contacts oh

I thought it was gonna be an, oh. Me too. It earned to his mouth. I thought it was an urn. I thought you spat into the ashes. No, he's at my house. Sorry, he's at my house. Oh, thank God.

But I mean, not thank God. That's still horrendous. That is still horrendous. Oh my God, you spit come into his contact lenses. And I was like, oh God. And he goes, because I knew he had driven down from the Bronx. So I was like, oh, okay.

And then he was like, I'm legally blind without them. No. So I'm like, oh. And then it's like back to being awkward because I finished sucking his dick and there's no conversation. So he's like, well, I'm gonna have to sleep over and then figure out tomorrow how to get my car back

up to his school. And I was like, okay. All right. And then the next day, he's calling his friends, which honestly, and it doesn't get less awkward. He doesn't go down on me, like he doesn't even finger me. He just goes to sleep. And to be fair, I think he was panicked.

I don't know why, just he was crying. So he went to sleep. The next day, I'm like, and that's why the contact lenses had to come out in the first place. Yes, I see. Because that's, I thought that's so insulting if you're getting intimate with someone and then the

first action is to take out their contact lens. I'm only able to do this if I'm legally blind. Well, this one I hadn't had my lips done yet, so maybe that wasn't. Oh my God, this is so ridiculous. I didn't feel like he liked me in any way and it was like, all right, well, I just sucked your dick. You are sleeping over at my apartment. And then he called his friends the next morning,

and he needed a ride home. So I was like, all right, I'll drive you back. So I drove him like literally over an hour up to his school, and then he invited me up, and I was like, okay, and this is when we're gonna have sex. Cause he was hot. This sounds horrible. I was 24 at the time, so maybe 25. So I feel like I wouldn't have put up with this now,

but I was like, all right, now maybe he'll go down on me. Now that we're in his apartment, he's feeling more comfortable. He can see again. Yeah. We get into his apartment, he's like, do you want an IV? And do you think that's a euphemism?

Yeah, I'm like, I'm about to get stuck in the right way. And I- He actually offers you an IV with a needle. Like a bank. Yeah, with a needle. And I agree, because I, again, I just don't know how to say no. I don't know how to leave a situation.

So I just, and then he makes me a hand sandwich. And then the awkward thing is I'm stuck to this IV sitting on his couch and we're sitting in silence. Wait, IVs take ages. How long were you sitting there? Two hours, two hours. We were watching friends and yeah, he was like, oh, do you think friends is funny? And I was like, yeah. And he's like, I don't. And he was like, oh, do you think Friends is funny?

And I was like, yeah, and he's like, I don't. And I was like, all right. So then I was like, what's in this IV? Is this man like slowly murdering me? And he makes me a ham sandwich. So then we just don't talk. I just eat the ham sandwich. It was truly just the most awkward,

it was just the most awkward dead air. And then I was watching the one where Chandler ejaculates into Monica's contact lens solution. I wish we could add some guidance on this one, but no. And then the IV was up and he was like, all right, see you later. And then I text, I have to take the train home because he doesn't offer to give me a ride home.

And I text my friend and I was like, why is your friend, you should have told me your friend was a weirdo. And he was like, in my defense, you are also a weirdo. So, oh. I think if you're legally blind, without your concert lenses, then at the very least, you should take a backup pair of spectacles

to any kind of overnight situation. Agreed, Jack. Leave them in your car, right? Yeah, yeah. Or have your mother drop you off and then if you do have a similar situation. His mother died. He's always got your back up contact lenses.

Oh, she's dead. She's dead, of course. She is dead. Well, the worst part, the worst part, the worst part is, of course, how his mother died, which was she went home with something, he came in her contact lenses and she chose to take the risk and drive. Okay. Died in an accident.

So of course he couldn't let history repeat itself. And if only there had been a blood transfusion available via IV drip when she was hit by that transport truck, it could have saved her. OK, before the people in here. He doesn't, any team for a turn, incredibly dark psyche. I'm gonna stop you. That's what happened. Bad dates. Guys, thank you so much for these amazing stories.

Before you go, I would like to read you one letter that we got from a listener. Is that all right? And tell me any thoughts and give me any questions that come to your minds. Sure. This is from Crystal and she writes, Sir, I had a date about 20 years ago with a friend of a colleague.

I hadn't had sex in 14 months and was a girl in need. The date was going well, we were laughing a lot and clearly attracted to one another. After three bottles of red wine, I invited him back, that's a lot of red wine. Whoa. Yeah, I invited him back to my flat. And as we were undressing each other, I asked him if there was anything particular

that he liked or wanted me to do. What a lovely lady. Oh, that's nice. I like a question like that. He said he'd love it if I could do a sexy dance for him in heels. I agreed. I grab a pair of brand new shoes in the wardrobe,

never worn and put them on. The shoes are best described as like a wicker basket sort of material with gaps so you can see the skin. Anyway, I'm doing my best to be sexy as I dance. Oh my God, this is actually my nightmare. This is my nightmare that anyone would ever ask me to do this. Anyway, as I dance and Jai right against the wall

and he's visibly excited and stroking himself, he sat on the end of the bed, which is about two feet from the wall. I'm dancing against in my small flat. I can see he's getting excited. So just as I'm thinking of straddling him on the end of the bed, he crouches down at my feet and jizzes on my brand new shoes. He takes care to ensure that there's a dollop on both shoes and jumps back on the bed in a starfish position. I stare at my shoes for a few seconds before tottering off to the bathroom. My wine head didn't really know what to do in

this situation so I decided to step into the bathtub and use the shower head to rinse the comb off my shoes or feet while still wearing the shoes. I climb out of the bathtub, remove my shoes, leave them in the sink and as I'm heading back to the bathroom I can hear snoring. This cunt is sprawled out naked on top of the bench enjoying a post-com nap. I was not pleased with this. I said aloud to myself, oh, don't worry about me. This is definitely an English person. I kicked his foot and shouted at him to get out. I threw him out whilst he was still getting dressed and never saw him again. The shoes went out to the communal, but in the next morning, gutted. Oh my God, that's such a stupid story. I feel like in that situation,

you're allowed to take retribution in his shoes. I think that's probably the way you get your revenge. You take a shit in the shoes. I think that would probably be on the cards. I think you sent a Venmo request, but I'm again, sending it cheap. I would be so angry. If a guy came on both shoes.

And you had to throw them away? Brand new. Well, yeah, but they were like a wicker basket with gaps in between. I mean, these were not nice shoes. I don't think they sound. What is she talking about? Okay, coming in, yeah, coming in hot with the Joan Collins fashion police.

I'm fully appreciated. That's true. Maybe he did. That's true, Catherine, actually. Maybe this man did her a favor. We're not in Holland anymore. Like, what are you wearing on your feet? It was a passive aggressive wank.

Give her a hint that the shoes were not working. Guys, thank you so much for coming onto this podcast. Thank you so much for these incredibly silly stories. I love to hear them. And I've loved hanging out. Thank you so much. Thanks for having us. Thanks.

Jack Whitehall appears in the new season of the After Party on Apple TV Plus. And Catherine Ryan's podcast is telling everybody everything. It's so good and so funny. It's so good and so funny. She's so special, so cool. And her new special is called Mrs. Available on Sky. Hannah Dickinson hosts the new podcast, Ha Ha Land, and the tickets for her upcoming show

can be found at hannadickinson.com. Go see it. Bad Dates is produced by Smartless Media and Wondery. Created by Robert Cohen. Executive producers are Robert Cohen and Jamila Jamil. That's me. Created by Robert Cohen. Executive producers are Robert Cohen and Jamila Jameel. That's me. Produced by Stuart Bailey. Produced, engineered and edited by Devon Torrey Bryant.

Talent producer is Anne Harris. Associate producer is Maddie McCann. Music by Cushy and Evan Schletter. Executive producers are Will Arnett, Jason Bateman, and Sean Hayes. Executive producers for SmartLess Media are Richard Coulson and Bernie Kaminsky. If you've had a bad date and you'd like to tell us all about it, our number is 984-265-3283

and our email is baddatespot at gmail.com. We can't wait to hear all about it. That's all for this week. We will see you next time for more... Bad Dates for more. members, you can listen to bad dates early and add free on Amazon Music. Download the Amazon Music app today. Or you can listen early and add free with Wondery Plus in Apple Podcasts. Before you go, tell us about yourself by completing a short survey at Wondery.com slash survey.