Bad Dates with Jameela Jamil - Re-Release: The Whispers...Of Tyrese (w/ Zoe Lister-Jones, Lamorne Morris, and Adam Pally)

Episode Date: February 19, 2024

February? No, no. Date-U-Ary! For the next few weeks, please enjoy repeat performances of some of the Bad Dates team's favorite episodes.On this episode of Bad Dates, Jameela welcomes Zoe Lister-Jones, Lamorne Morris, and Adam Pally to discuss their most iconic dating fiascos. Zoe tells us about a suitor who couldn't pass up a free meal, Lamorne talks about falling for a woman on the lam and losing his date to a man in slow motion, then Adam describes a date night fight with audience involvement. Plus a letter from a listener describes a prom prevented per parental proclivities. Zoe Lister-Jones created and stars in Slip on The Roku Channel, Lamorne Morris will appear in the new season of Fargo on FX, and Adam Pally appears in the Netflix series FUBAR alongside Arnold Schwarzenegger, and is in the movie Who Invited Charlie?See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Hello, I am Alice Levine and I am one of the hosts of Wondery's podcast British Scandal. On our latest series, The Race to Ruin, we tell the story of a British man who took part in the first ever round the world sailing race. Good on him, I hear you say, but there is a problem, as there always is in this show. The man in question hadn't actually sailed before. Oh, and his boat wasn't seaworthy. Oh, and also tiny little detail, almost didn't mention it. He bet his family home on making it to the finish line.

What ensued was one of the most complex cheating plots in British sporting history. To find out the full story, follow British Scandal wherever you listen to podcasts or listen early and ad-free on Wondery Plus on Apple Podcasts or the Wondery app. Listen early and ad-free on Wondery Plus on Apple Podcasts or the Wondery app. Hi, I'm Anna.

And I'm Emily. We're the hosts of Wondery's podcast, Terribly Famous, a show where we bring you outrageous true stories about our most famous celebrities. And our latest season is all about the one and only Katie Price. You might think you know her, you might have an opinion, but there is way more to the former glamour model than just her cup size. Yes, this is a woman who's gone from pin-up to publishing sensation. We all have teenage dreams, and for Katie it was simple, massive fame and everlasting love.

I just wanted to kiss a boy. Just one boy. Well, she does kiss a few boys, but there are plenty of bumps along the way. And when I say bumps, I mean terrible boyfriend choices, secret dates with spiky haired pop stars and a tabloid press that wants to tear her apart at every opportunity. And she surprises even herself when suddenly she becomes a role model for a whole new generation of young women who want to be just like her. Want to hear more? Follow Terribly Famous wherever you listen to podcasts or listen early and add free on Wondery Plus on Apple Podcasts or the Wondery app. I'm Afua Hirsch.

I'm Peter Frankopan. And in our podcast Legacy, we explore the lives of some of the biggest characters in history. This season, we delve into the life of Mikhail Gorbachev. This season has everything. It's got political ideology. It's got nuclear Armageddon. It's got

love story. It's got betrayal. It's got economic collapse. One ingredient you left out, Legacy, was he someone who helped make the world a better place saved us all from all of those terrible things or was he a man who created the problems and the challenges of many parts of the world today those questions about how to think about Gorbachev you know was he unwitting character in history was he one who helped forge and frame the world and it's not necessarily just a question of our making. There is a real life binary in how his legacy is perceived. In the West, he's

considered a hero. And in Russia, it's a bit of a different picture. So join us on Legacy for Hey there, everybody. This is Rob Cohen, the creator and executive producer of the show. I want to start by thanking all of you for listening this past season. We really, really appreciate it. And your comments and for a lot of you, your submissions of your own bad dates for our listener mailbag. We could not have done the show without you. In honor of everybody's favorite month, Dateuary, we're doing staff picks. This is one of my picks as one of my favorite episodes. We called it The Whispers of Tyrese, and it features the incredible Zoe Lister-Jones,

Adam Pally, and Lamorne Morris. And what I love about this episode is not only are the stories crazy, but the three of them are really good friends. And you could feel that right out of the gate. Amazing energy, incredible stories. I hope you enjoy it. And again, thank you so much for listening to the show. I know someone who got out of jail, found an old flip phone, had all this Bitcoin on it pre-jail and came out and had like $40 million worth of Bitcoin. And I would say that's a metaphor for my dating life. What?

Yikes. I'm not going to even. That's good. Great. That analogy. That's great. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All over the place. Are you the Bitcoin?

Are you the phone? Are you the person that finds the phone? I am lost in that analogy. Bad dates. Bad dates. bad dates oh jesus christ on a bicycle adam pally zoe lister jones lamor morris hello and welcome to bad dates how is everyone good how are you good i'm good i'm good i'm so excited that you're here this is a podcast that is just about everything that we do and are willing to encounter on the road to love, to shagging and both. And I have had a very limited dating life because of my personality and therefore I like to vicariously live through the lives and stories

of others. And so I'm thrilled that you're all here and I can't wait to hear your stories. Before we get into that, I just want to ask you all, just to put the shoe on the other foot, what is it like, do you think, to date you? Starting with Lamorne. Ooh, to date me? In a word, glorious. I've got to be that.

It is a whirlwind for sure. No, I could say, well, there's two versions of me. There's pre-child and then there's post-child, you know. Before I had a kid, I would say I was a fairly adventurous individual. You know, I like to do things. Not like outdoorsy or anything, but I'd like to. You just mean sexually, yeah.

Yeah, butt stuff, you know, all kinds of stuff. If that's how I'm going, no. I just, you know, it of stuff if that's all i'm going no i i just i just uh i i you know it's pretty general with me you know i like to do everything i like to experience everything or play or try everything not talking sexually i'm just talking overall you know what i mean i was game yeah yeah fun loving guy yeah but now but now i gotta bitch, I ain't got the time. I don't. No, I just I'm just I just I'm busy. I have a kid and I would love to do things. But I'm I'm the kind of guy now that's more laid back and I'll allow you to to steer the ship, you know, and I'm still getting tired.

I'm tired. Yeah, you're a bit tired, babe. Little girl, you know what I mean? So it's just been a down two and a half. I haven't been dating anybody, really. I'm not going to lie to you. Also, you can't take the same kind of risks as you could when you were adventurous, because now someone's depending on you. So that sort of bungee jumping first date is no longer on the cards.

No, no. Oh, no, no, no. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, I feel that. I feel that. But it sounds like you're a respectful, fun-loving guy. That sounded guy. That sounded great. Pre the child. Now it sounds like a shame. Zoe, what would you say it's like to date you? Oh, God. Well, I don't know. I was in a relationship for so long. I was in a relationship

for 17 years. So I haven't also haven't had a ton of dating experience. Lamorne just had a stroke. You knew that Lamorne also. I also, by the way, sorry, love that you all know each other because it means that you can all call each other out on any bullshit that comes out here. Any propaganda that you put out here about your dating lives can be deconstructed by the friend. I would never call anybody out on that. I would be like, good for you. Yeah. Stones from glass houses. Both Adam and Lamorne have played my partners in films. That's true.

So they could talk about what it's like to, to fictionally date me. Cool. Very clingy. I would like to know what they, what they think it's like to fictionally date me. Well, we were, we were fictionally married.

We were fictionally married. So it was, it's a little different. It's a little different. We were fictionally pegging. I think that's. We were. We were fictionally pegging, I think. We were fictionally pegging. And I think between, I think pegging and marriage, it does sort of sum up what it's like to date me.

It's somewhere between those two things, or both of them at the same time. Adam, what would you say it was like to date you? I think it's probably pretty great to date me. I mean, the only negative is that I am married. No, I think there's probably ups and downs, you know, from someone who's kind of lived a life and um like uh I think this is getting very politician-y no I'm trying to I'm trying to be like well like I live I didn't finish the sentence like uh live a life in entertainment and so there's a there's a certain

like narcissism that I think is probably uh very hard to date me in a lot of ways so I I would probably apologize for that beforehand and then hope hope that it doesn't get too out of control that the relationship can sustain oh such a such a sincere answer. I applaud that, Adam. That's great. Bad dates. Bad dates. Zoe, your story is called The Rule Breaker. Well, this was like in college. And I, so I had not yet met my, my ex-husband. And this, I started to, there was this boy that was my age in college, maybe a year or two older.

And he was covered in tattoos. He had like so many piercings. And I was like immediately drawn to him he felt like a he felt like trouble started to like date sort of casually but but we were spending like some time together and when we first went out to eat um we went to the selka, sort of a classic East Village establishment. And as we're passing a table that's just cleared, he picks up a piece of half-eaten cake off the plate and puts it in his mouth with his hands. And my whole body sort of atrophied. When I sat down, I didn't even know how to address it.

Like, I think he was doing a bit like trying to shock you. No. I mean, yes, I was like, I just, I was paralyzed. I was like, so we sat down and I didn't say anything and we kept eating. And the whole time I was like, I'm in such severe danger. Do you know what I mean? Like, I was like, this is, I saw my life flash before my eyes. But I stayed with him. We didn't talk about it. And then we went on another date. And we were walking down the street.

I was like, we're not going to a restaurant. We're walking down the street. And we walk past, like, a patio that has tables. And just walking down the street and we walk past like a patio that has tables. And just walking down the street, he reaches over that patio. He grabs some half-eaten sandwich, picks it up, and then we keep walking and he's eating someone's garbage. Someone's garbage. And so then I had to ask him what was happening. And he didn't like readily identify as a freegan although that was

like will you explain what that is for everyone a freegan it was like at that time especially it was like people that were like dumpster diving but like to make like to make a statement about like food waste or the environment yeah they weren't people who needed to eat like that they were people who chose to as an identity right and he he was also like dabbling in like like hari hari krishna and so like there were things at play um we and and so but i like i almost would have respected it more if it was like if he was trying to make a political statement i think he was just trying to fuck with me um and then he like he shaved his entire head and just left one patch of a rat tail in the back and that's what i started to feel that you know it was i was being

sort of um i was being tested sort of minute by minute um but the mate the biggest test was when we went to have sex he did have um eight eight barbells um in his dick that were oh my god sorry what the fuck is going on what do you mean by barbells what exactly don't say barbells casually as if we all know what that is explain anyway explicitly what that is yeah explain the barbells wait talk about the barbells casually as if we all know what that is. Explain explicitly what that is. Anyway, so at a molester story. Explain the barbells. Wait, talk about the barbells. What are we seeing here?

Okay, we have shaft. What's on and in? Yeah, is this like a Peloton? It's not a pussy. Yeah, go on. Okay, so. Yeah, so they were 25 pounders sort of hanging. No, so like they were like horizontal.

They were perpendicular to the shaft on the underside of the shaft going. Can you picture what I'm saying? So just sort of like a ladder going through with knobs on the outside. That's right. Like bolts on the outside. Okay. She's like, climb up on that, baby. Stairway to heaven.

Chip a tooth and i had never had braces so i was like really like you know these are bad it's a good thing you didn't you would have been electrocuted fucking battery and then i like i knew that I had to break up with him. Why? Well, yeah. Mostly because I didn't like his parents. No, I'm just kidding. His dad had a crazy sports car.

That was, like, really cool. kidding. Um, his dad had a crazy sports car. That was like really cool. Um, but no, he, and so what, it was a very like, um, sort of romantic comedy moment of like us, um, biking around New York and me like calling to him from the bike being like, I don't think this is working. And, um, I just wanted to be able to, to bike away, you and and but but he was like he was like i'm breaking he was like no i'm bringing up with you and so riding down the street we were fighting about who was bringing up with who on the bikes and then we crashed oh my god we crashed on houston and we we pulled them to get up in the middle of Houston and sort of like part. We did laugh and we parted ways.

Oh, no. So why had he done that to his penis, just out of curiosity? Well, I think because he was, he was like young and experimenting. And I think he was like, look, you know, he was looking to like, probably make his parents angry. But was he ripped for your pleasure? Like, what is? I don't think that was his intention. Right.

Because also, it made safe sex impossible. Oh, God. Maybe that was his intention. Yeah, maybe that was. Was this Nick Cannon? So anyway, it was Nick Cannon. And that was the big finish. Oh, man.

I can see Nick Cannon liking to ride on the back of a two-person bicycle. Oh, that's interesting, Adam. Were you picturing that tandem? Yeah. I'm picturing him on a tandem bike. picturing that tandem yeah okay so i i like i have a one of my best friends is a is a is free gun adjacent where he will like sit in like uh nando's is a chicken restaurant that we'd love to go to in london and he will get out off a table like we have a full table of food the fresh food just for us and if he sees people on tables around us,

leave half eaten chicken, he will leave the fresh food that has only touched his mouth. And he will go to their table and eat their chicken off the bone. Off the bone, which feels like sucking someone else's lollipop. Like that to me is like, I can take a cake. I can,

you know what? I can take a cake. I'll take a cake. But eating, you know what? I can take a cake. I'll take a cake. But eating someone else's chicken off the bone fucking horrifies me. If you don't need to, it horrifies me. I get the point that everyone's making. But for me, I'm just like, then if I kiss you, then what, whose germs am I getting? Whose chicken am I sucking?

Yeah, exactly. Gary Fernando. Oh, that is, that is, that is foul and interesting. I will say, I have been known to like come back to a hotel drunk and if there is like room service left in the hallway. Oh, 100%. I have grabbed. You have?

Yeah, I've grabbed a chicken finger, a fry, a fried shrimp. I would never grab anything that looks like it's been in anyone else's mouth. Nothing bit. Yeah, nothing bit. We're not animals. I'm not a... Yeah, come on. Yeah, yeah.

Do you go out of your way to... Have you ever lifted the lid very quietly? Yeah, okay, my man, my man. Jamila, look at me. I'm so with you. Yeah, yeah. Look at me. Adam lifts the lid very quietly. Yeah, okay, my man, my man. Jamila, look at me. I'm so with you. Yeah, yeah. Look at me. Adam lifts the lid, pal.

Yeah, you don't get a full face from not lifting the lid. Good for us. I'll tell you something. I do like to share a lollipop. All right. That's a metaphor. From experience.

No, but from experience of of being fake married to zoe i will say that that like zoe zoe will overlook like she still dated that guy for like a long time with a ladder dick like she dated ladder dick for like did you ever did you ever shank the ladder dick did you try it just? Just to try it? I was too afraid. Yeah, that's fair. So like Zoe is like a very loving, like, you know, very loving, very, very like,

like I feel like it, I don't think that if Zoe and I came back to a hotel wasted and I ate like a fried shrimp, that that would be a game. A deal breaker. You know what? I'm trying to imagine you wanking off. I just try to imagine like,

how does one wank off someone with that many bolts in their penis you sort of have to approach it like a recorder no no i know i'm asking i'm not asking it's not about you anymore zoe okay sorry why don't you just calm down um you're saying like the royal you yeah the fingers do you have to put your fingers in between each bolt? Like a bowling ball. Like a recorder and then just sort of do like sort of mini wanks in between each section. You got to play it like a flute. Wow.

You got to Lizzo it. This man is living on the edge. He's really lived. We should get him on the show. Okay. We'll be right back. Bad Geeks. eat-or-be-eaten world. Ava's ambitions take hold and her small-town values break in hopes of becoming the first scholarship student to make The List, Bishop Gray's all-coveted academic top ten, curated by the headmaster himself.

But after realizing she has no chance at The List on her own, she reluctantly accepts an invitation to a secret underground society that pulls the strings on campus life and academic success. If she bends to their will, she'll have everything she's ever dreamed of. But at what cost? Academy takes you into the world of a cutthroat private school where power, money, and sex collide in a game of life and death. Follow Academy on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. You can binge all episodes of Academy early and ad-free right now by joining Wondery Plus.

Today, hip-hop dominates pop culture, but it wasn't always like that. And to tell the story of how that changed, I want to take you back to a very special year in rap. 88, it was too much good music. The world was on fire. I'm Will Smith. This is Class of 88, it was too much good music. The world was on fire. I'm Will Smith.

This is Class of 88, my new podcast about the moments, albums, and artists that inspired a sonic revolution and secured 1988 as one of hip-hop's most important years. We'll talk to the people who were there. And most of all, we'll bring you some amazing stories. You know what my biggest memory from that tour is? It was your birthday. Yes, and you brought me to Shard Day.

Life-size cardboard cutout. This is Class of 88, the story of a year that changed hip-hop. Follow Class of 88 on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. And we're back. Lamorne, your two stories are called New York Stories. It's very elusive, and I'm dying to hear what happened. Let's go with the first one. So when I dated in New York, it was probably in the beginning of my outwardly sexual phase, I guess. When I was like, I had just lost my virginity previous to moving to New York. And then lost it late, I guess you would say. I was 19.

Does inwardly sexual being the opposite of that just mean a lot of wanking? Just a lot of porn. Fair. That's fair. No, no, no. no porn i didn't we back in the day it was too scrambled you know you have to watch cinemax and the tv was like this so i didn't watch porn you know what i mean i just used my imagination tantric did you watch mtv spring break though

i think that was our generation's porn. The grind. The grind. BET uncut. 106 and Park would do their spring break too. That's what happened. That's what happened. I started hosting for BET and I moved to New York.

That's how you... You're a hot commodity. God, that isought to 100 as well my god i was just out there dangling you know i was young and new everybody was like oh he's new you were dangling that dick uh yes wow did you have a windmill yeah come on jesus i'm not a porn star you think i'm carrying that kind of weight no i was just wondering what's a windmill that you go no you can swing swing your penis all your imagination and you can just swing them round and round and round and they generate electricity and they save the planet that's right oh that's what wind turbines yeah so um i met this girl um during a time when I was like, you know, being outside a lot. I meet this girl, everything's

fine. And it was one of those New York relationships where you kind of moved quick and you went everywhere together. You walk to this bar, you go here, you go there. And I felt like I fell in love with her overnight. I introduced her to my friends, family, you know what I mean? We would, we would, like friends were going to like the Hamptons and I would take her and they would go, oh, we love her. And this is all within like four or five days, you know, it got to the point where the kissing was good. The sex was good. Like everything, all of that turns across the board. Right. Fantastic. You know what I mean? It was, uh, it was great for, and it was even greater for me. Just like you said, 106th Park, Roxy, who was hosting at the time,

she had these little parties at her house, and I would bring. And so obviously she's like a TV personality, so she's got all these cool clothes. She's got all this cool stuff. And she loved the girl that I was dating so much that she would give give her clothes they were the same size she was in her circle and she was in my sister's circle and all that stuff within a few days within a few days incredible and every time we would like walk into a door we burst the door open and we'd have sex and be throw everything off the desk we would do it just like the white movies no but so uh one day one day we're sitting we're sitting in my apartment and she says oh i have to go visit some family and um in atlanta i said oh okay cool she says can you take me to the train station i'm like when she said now it's like oh

that's quick all right go to the train station she gets was like, when? She said, now. I was like, oh, that's quick. All right. Go to the train station. She gets a ticket. It says North Carolina. And I was like, oh, I thought you were going to Atlanta. She's like, oh, I'm going to go to North Carolina. I'm going to get, I have a car there. I'm going to drive my car to Atlanta. And I was like, all right, this is a little strange. She goes, she leaves. And then I get a phone call. I get a phone call from the Federal Bureau of Investigation. The Federal Bureau of Investigation. They call me to inform me that this woman that i have been seeing that i have fallen in love with is wanted she's a wanted fugitive what do you mean she on the run y'all she on the run okay so they'd been tracking her

the whole time yeah so she ended up the weird thing about it was you know her i would get these wait what had she done why was she on the run it was it was like a it was major credit card fraud and identity theft identity theft and how was she able to pull this like how was she doing this was it just by dating people and stealing their shit she worked she worked in a hotel she worked oh she's a genius no wonder you fell in love with her yeah Yorkdale Hotel she had all the best rooms uh yeah oh my god that's that must have been such a crushing feeling like given that you thought you were like in the love of your life and then 100% you don't know if anything's true do you feel like what you had was real though do you feel like she was just like playing you for free shit and for a fun

experience was she hiding out like you, your domain or was it real? I thought it was. I mean, here's the thing. When you go to a strip club, you feel like they all fall in love with you. Yeah. Okay. A good actor is a good actor. Yeah.

Jesus fucking Christ. That's one of the wildest stories I've ever heard. No one ever thinks the FBI is getting involved in their relationship. Good God. No, not at all. Unless you're- Well done for getting out of that unstolen from. All right. So you have another story that I also really want to hear. Okay. This one's quick. This is the, it's very lovely young lady. She was in town and she was, and she was like, she had like a, not like a shoot for Victoria's Secret or something. We were, I was 20.

She was, I was 20. She was 19 or 20. I was 21. And she's like, she's my age. And so she. Those numbers just shifted wildly. Yeah. That was.

Because I was, I was able to. She was 19. I was 25. She was my age. Let me start over. We were both of age that's the most important

I was just saying because we were we were in bars so I was trying to figure out at which part in New York did this happen what part of my time in New York

but we were in we were bar hopping that's what he's trying to figure out yeah and so we must have been we were 40 we were both 40

she had an ID now stop if anything So we must have been, we were 40. We were both 40. She had an ID. Now stop. If anything, we do know that Lamorne definitely checked her ID because he was in his paranoia era. Yeah, for sure. Mine first. Yeah, yeah. But she, we were, we were, we were bar hopping. We met out and that wasn't something that i did you know that

that wasn't part of my i i like to stay at home play video games go to basketball games do stuff like that we were literally moving around like going to this bar it was the best for one night and i was shocked just because of how beautiful this person was that she was spending all her time with me i was like i'm just a little dude i was like why you it was weird it felt like it felt like a movie because it was pre-mustache it was pre-mustache so you have a picture a little more like that yeah didn't have this my testicles hadn't dropped yet i was my voice was like a lot of octaves higher. And so I hadn't truly been that dude. And so we're moving around and having fun. And we end up at this bar.

And the date's going well by this point, right? When I say the date's going well. Are you getting intimate? Yeah, we're like smooching a little bit. We're just holding hands. It felt like we were skipping through the meatpacking district, just bar hopping. We were just like, everything was fine. Everything was very picturesque. And we end up in this other bar. It's very dark, very moody. There's a very Soho house-y vibe to it. It's like,

you got to be this close to see somebody, really. And then we're into each other and all of a sudden the door opens and Tyrese walks in Tyrese the supermodel yeah the supermodel the singer actor singer owner of a hibachi table in his backyard and a starbucks yep yes does Tyrese own a Starbucks? In his backyard. And a Benihana. What do you mean? He has a giant 20-person Benihana table and a personal Starbucks. Yeah.

I don't know how else to be more plain about it. If you go to Tyrese's house, you call the call box, you put an order in for a latte. Somebody will bring you one of them and then at night you go sit down and they make an onion look like a choo-choo train sorry so so tyrese the supermodel with the starbucks in his backyard walks into the room then what happens He's wearing a white fur coat.

Oh, not Tyrese wearing a white fur coat. Jesus, fuck me, Christ. That's like a Hype Williams video. Don't say fuck me. Don't say that. Okay, sorry. That's the energy we all got when he opened the door. Yeah, it's the energy everyone gets when he opens the door. Is that Tyrese?

He walked in. He walked behind us. He sees me. Now, I'm a TV host at at bet i hadn't met him before we had done like something before probably like months prior and he says what's up brother and he shakes my hand i'm like oh that's cool tyrese is here he walks around me to the other side and whispers in her ear i don't know what he said but i look back and he's walking he's taking like two or three steps behind her and he just stands there oh she looks at me after such a lovely evening that we

had and she goes well it was nice meeting you oh my god that is fucking mental. She got up and she disappeared. Shut the fuck up. Oh, that's so upsetting and confusing, isn't it? Gone, but never forgotten. Say her name. We say her name. I'm not going to say her name. She's a very known... Yeah's, she's very known.

Yeah. And did he know that you two were on a date or did he presume that you were sort of, um, I don't know, friends with this lady? Well, there's two things going through my mind,

right? He, he, he either knew her already and they had plans, they had had plans on hanging out. We were, her and I were moving about and she maybe said hey i'm over here i'm tyrese me at the time right now i put me over tyrese sorry um that's just you know the

confidence that i have in myself good for you have you ever spoken to him about it since yes i have oh my god what did he say he He said, he said, he said, yeah, that sounds like something I would do back then. So casual. Oh my God. Her and I are still friends. Her and I are still friends. We became friends later in life

and she acknowledges it. It's crazy how someone can be so hot though that there's a small part of all of our brains, even though we're shocked and horrified on behalf of our good friend, Lamorne. There's a tiny part, I'm sure, of everyone's brain that goes, it is Tyrese.

Jesus Christ. I think I've told this story before, but I was once broken up with, and three weeks later, that person started dating Miss Universe, not Miss World, but the most beautiful woman in the universe. So I feel you on some level.

Sometimes you gotta date down, you know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sure, sure, sure. Hey, hey. All right, before things steam up too much. This is also crazy to be the other guest on this show when it's like, yeah,

I once got broken up with for a rabbi. You know what? One of my close friends got dumped. I got left for Prince. Can you believe that? Prince? One of my close friends got dumped for Mr. Bean. Even that is amazing.

That's great. Fucking great. That makes sense. I don't know. I feel like that's fucked up. All right. We'll be right back. Bad Beats. Great. That makes sense. I don't know. I feel like that's fucked up. All right. We'll be right back.

Bad Dates. When I say the word history, what do you think about? Horses and buggies and dust and a bunch of white dudes riding their horses and buggies in the dust. Facts. Definitely not enough melanin on all those history books. But we are about to flip the script on all of that. From Wondery, this is Black History For Real. Together we'll weave Black History's most overlooked figures back into the rightful place in American culture and all over the world.

Follow Black History For Real on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. And we're back. Adam, your story is called date night yes uh so i i'm married um and uh well dating dating is uh we have children and um we we schedule these like date nights and it's kind of like the only way that you can you know make sure that you're still connected you're you know not just kind of moving parallel it's like you got to make sure that you're you know connecting and about six months ago we were fighting like pretty bad um and like my my daughter who's eight was sleeping in our room again.

And that is like the worst. And it just like fucks everything up. And like, then you're like, sex starts to become like really hard to get to because you're like, can't your, your space is gone. And it's like, then when,

when that starts to fade, then you start really to like fucking like go at it. And especially if you have kids and you're like sharing a life, like there's so much. You become roommates who don't have any sleep, which is the scariest type of roommate. And even things like, you know, small things like bits of your personality. Like I like it when you, when this is done this way and I don't do it that way. And that's the way I do it. And you guys, if we're going to

be doing this and you're doing it this way, it's like, you know, it's all that all the time. But we had a date, date night scheduled and we were like fighting so bad that like in the middle of the day, there was a moment over text. Cause like we couldn't even get it right over text. Like, you know, and there it's like, where do you want to eat? I don't know. Where do you want to eat? I don't care. Well, I don't care either. So we can eat anywhere. Yeah. You know what I mean? Well, if then it's like, well, do you just not want to go? It's like, no, I do want to go. I just don't care. Well, if you don't care, then you don't care about going. So let's just call it a night. And you're like, you know what I mean? You're like, fuck it. So they're like,

there was even like a midday check and we were like, I don't want to, I don't want to go. And then we, um, we were like, no, we're going. And we, we didn't make any reservations. And we walked down to this like really cool new ramen spot that just opened. And we had been walking by it a bunch of our kids and stuff. And everyone was like, I want to go there. Try it. It's awesome.

We like, we walked in. We're like, can we get a table? Like, you can sit at the bar. I was too at the bar. And we were like, okay. And even that was a fight. Like I turned, I was like, you want to sit at the bar? And she was like, I guess, do you? And I was like, not really. And she's like, fine, we'll go. And I was like, no, no, we'll go to the bar. It's like, go to the bar. Then we're ordering. It's just eggshells. It's so tense. Like the whole time is like tense, tense, tense. And so something happened. I don't know the exact detail.

It was my fault. Tyrese walked in. False. I wish Tyrese walked in at that moment. It was my fault. But I said something that was along the lines of chill out. No. Yikes.

Yeah. Oh, shit. It's such an accelerant, isn't it? It is the most gasoline. I'm trying to describe it in the most subtle way, but imagine the whole restaurant being murdered. That's what happened. Like, the whole restaurant was murdered that's what happened like the whole restaurant was murdered it got so loud and heated and things were being said like you're not worth it you're not worth it that the bartender was like i think you guys should take this outside whoa and soender was like, I think you guys should take this outside.

And so I was like, oh, fuck. Embarrassed and whatever. But the fight was so intense that she left. She was like, fuck it. I don't even want to be on a date with you. And she left. And so then I had that moment where the whole restaurant had just you know I'll take it back they weren't murdered I was murdered in front of them

and they watched it and why have you stayed at this point she's walked out why have you stayed do you because I we didn't have where would it go they didn't have the check. Oh, shit. Oh. So I was like, there was this like Billy Crystal moment like, check, please. You know? And then after that, I was like, oh, shit. I don't have my wallet. So I was like one second and I ran out and stopped her in the front of the restaurant and I can only assume the rest like the whole restaurant was looking at just fucking yelling at me and you and I was just like I'm so sorry I need I need your I need your wallet

because I don't know she's like screaming she took a wallet out I went here to the guy so you're in the restaurant you're in the restaurant waiting to pay. Yes. Everyone's looking at you. I said to the restaurant, I just want to like let you guys know, like, that was my fault. I'm in the wrong. You know what I mean? Like, it was so unnecessary for me to even like. Announce yourself.

Turn and talk to everybody. Like, it was so presumptuous. Hey guys, it's me, Adam. Adam Pallis. Well, I mean, it was so presumptuous. Like, you know, I mean, it was a small New York city restaurant, you know, and they had just seen me for 15 minutes, like through an appetizer, get eviscerated to the point where like,

she left the restaurant. I chased her down to get the money, come back in. And then, and so I was like, I just want to let everyone know it's my fault. And the bartender from like across the room loudly goes, no, it wasn't. And I was like, you see?

You see? You see? Do you see? I was like, where is she? He? see do you see I was like where is she and then like it was so meanwhile we've never we've never gone back to that restaurant and it was it was really hard and I and I still like six months now and like we're in the we're in a much better place like we're really doing well and everyone's happy. And I want to walk by the restaurant. Like the insecure, I don't know, desperate part of me wants to walk by the restaurant with my family and be like,

see, it all worked out. Well, look, I'm incredibly glad that you were able to work it out i'm very sorry that you lost that ramen place that is a true genuine tragedy but also i love hearing a date story that happens within a an existing marriage that's that's we need more stories like that because i bet that shit happens all the time we only associate it with single life, but I love hearing that. And thank you for sharing that story. Thank you all. You're welcome.

Yeah, go on. Okay, let's just say. Don't do this, Lamar. Don't do this. You don't have to say it. What can you, just give me something else to say. I'll tell you what not to say. Don't say relax.

Yeah, don't say calm down. Do not say say. Don't say relax. Don't say calm down. Do not say calm down. Never say calm down. Calm down is the worst. It goes calm down, relax, chill out. At least I was in the order. Lower three. Can you massage her temples and go, ooh, easy, easy?

Nope. Yeah, no, if you want to lose a finger, then absolutely. No way, man. Can you rub her womb and just say, ooh, sah, ooh, easy. Nope. Yeah, no, if you want to lose a finger, then absolutely. No way, man. Can you rub her womb and just say, Oosa, Oosa. I think touching is a... What are you saying, Lamorne? Oosa?

Oosa, Oosa. Yeah, talk to her like she's a white noise machine. No, that's... I think what I tend to do is, because I'm softly spoken and I become like alarmingly softly spoken when I'm angry to the point of near silence. I turn into Meryl Streep in The Devil Wears Prada. So it's just a cruel whisper. No, no, no, that wasn't a question.

Yeah, exactly. And I start calling him Andrea, which is really odd. But I ask I just say do you think it would be possible for you to lower your voice and I think that is the closest you can get and even that normally means someone will go no I can't fucking lower

my voice but at least you haven't committed the cardinal sin of the top three gasoline phrases right would it be possible for you to lower your voice you're not demanding you're asking if it's possible and you're not even asking them to do it you're just checking if that's a possibility so for me that feels like the the most fire hazard safe same thing way of of de-escalating that's the same thing or i sometimes speak in an indian accent just to throw him,

you know, I throw him and then he doesn't know what the fuck is going on or who he's now arguing with. And I highly recommend that to anyone, regardless of their race. An Indian accent. Huge diffuser. Let's all not do that. I was about to start working on my,

you know, Lamorne, as much as you're off base, you're, you're every level. I was about to start working on my Lamorne, as much as Lamorne, you're off base. Lamorne, I can't cancel. Lamorne, chill out. What? Oh my god. Okay. Bad dates.

Before you go, I have one last thing, which is that I asked our listeners to send in some of their bad date stories and someone wrote in something that I thought you would all enjoy. So I'm going to read it to you quickly and I'd love to hear any thoughts or questions that you may have. So someone wrote in and said, a few years ago with my high school prom, a few days ago, I finally worked up the courage to ask a beautiful classmate to go with me. She shockingly said, yes, I rented a tux, bought a corsage for her don't worry tyrese is not in the story

and knocked at her door but nothing could have prepared me for what happened next her mum opened the door technically wearing a terry cloth robe but it was open down the middle and she wasn't wearing anything under it okay Okay, starting to feel like the graduate. I swear to God I didn't look, but my peripheral vision still made me aware of something that I can never unsee. Like a stammering idiot, all I can mumble is, I can't quite believe he said this,

I can see where your daughter gets her looks. Mum is not happy. She calls for her daughter and then I hear what i hope is my date coming down the stairs but it gets much worse down walks her father and i shit you not he is completely naked as he walks downstairs he sees me and cups himself with both hands i'm very close to passing out and then two things happen simultaneously the dad towards me, removing a hand from his junk to shake my hand. Oh, with a penile imprint. Absolutely not.

I start to back up out of a reflex. Just then my date comes to the door and we walk out. So I managed to escape without having any contact with dad's nut fingers. Oh, let's never say nut fingers again. She sees how freaked out I am and says her parents embrace the nudist lifestyle bit like you're freaking um which was not exactly news to me

we get in my car and at the first stoplight my shitty used car stalls and i can't get the engine to turn back on i realized my fictional god was giving me an out but she says that we can walk to her place and her dad can give us a ride possibly a naked ride i jokingly ask if we should just call ahead to make sure he puts some pants on and she flips out screaming at me that the only reason he walks around nude is because of the fungus he got on his balls when he was in the marines oh my god wow so it's honorable yeah oh my god i mean look at what he did for this country yeah uh she hops out slams my dead car's door shut screaming that i will never understand the word paratism i correct her asking if she meant to say patriotism and the next thing i know she is throwing her high heels

at my face and screaming that she would rather watch her mum spread ointment on her dad's sick balls than go to the prom with an arsehole like me and after some random AAA dude helped me start my car I spent the rest of my prom night with him in my tux getting drunk behind a Burger Oh, babe. Oh, babe. That is a young and scarring experience. That's a big night, prom night. Damn. Oh, God. Oh, God, what do you do? What do you do in that situation?

Have you ever had any nudist parents? No. Or like, you know, parent-in-laws? What the fuck are you supposed to do in that situation? I was, my parents would take me to a nude beach growing up. And so I'd have to see all of their friends' dicks. And, um, and it was gross. I didn't like it, but they were like hippies. Oh, and my mom and it's, it's weird when you're cause like in that story, you immediately assume that they've just had sex, but if they're nudists, they're just

walking around that way, which like, but I think as a young person, that is a confusing distinction to make. I remember being on the nude beach being like, is everybody here fucking? But they were all just friends just being nude. I mean,

maybe they were also fucking. Come on, Zoe. Stop it. Zoe. Yeah, I went to a few nude beaches when I was little. They all have fungus.

Just let me believe that. Sometimes. The fungus thing. They all have fungus. Just let me believe that. Sometimes. The fungus thing. They all served in the military. The fungus thing really upsets me knowing that he knows he's got this fungus and has cupped his bollocks, his fungal bollocks,

and then gone to shake someone's hand. That feels a bit fucked up. What do you think he does with his honorable discharge? I heard he was awarded the purple shark. If he knew that they were nudists, I mean, like Zoe is saying,

isn't that something like, don't you think that that was part of like, he was probably like, oh, sweet, your parents are nudists. Like, you know, I don't know. Conceptually, you imagine that they're nude on a beach. I don't think you think

they answer the door to what could be like, you know, think it's conceptually you imagine that they're nude on a beach i don't think you think they answer the door to what could be like you know an evangelical christian who's knocking with a survey a jehovah's witness is in for a shock with this family i guess i just feel like when are the nudist hours then yeah i will say this about their the the the the people at home you shouldn't you be allowed to just have your dick out at home? You should be allowed to walk around butt naked. He walked into their environment. It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter.

He walked into their environment. Okay. It is prom night. You're going to see what you're going to see. You're going to smell what you're going to smell. It is prom night. It is prom night. I really enjoy it. This is the first time I've had everyone turn on a listener

and it's exciting. But we are still sorry that, you know, he will never be a parrot, according to this guy. Oh, my God. We are very, very sorry that he spent the shittiest night. I'm with you, mate. I'm with you. These bastards might not be, but I'm with you. If you hear that the girl you're taking to prom's parents are nudists,

there's a chance they will be naked when you show up. And look happy because there's a chance that you and her might be naked. Exactly. That's what I'm saying. It's a bit like hearing that your parents clay shoot on the weekend and then them opening the door with a fucking massive rifle. Yeah. Yeah.

I'd be like, oh, right. You're clay shooters. You're gun people. Yeah, I see it. Oh, for God. Oh, yeah. You know what? She, right, you're Clay Shooters. You're gun people. Yeah, I see it. Oh, for God. Oh, yeah, yeah. You know what? She did tell me you guys are Clay Shooters.

If I walked into Shaq's house and there was a basketball rolling across the floor, I would go, yeah, it's Chuck's house. Oh, yeah. Oh, right. We're in Shaq's house. Not the same. Different kind of ball. Different kind of ball.

All right. We are going to fight about this all night if we don't stop. So, guys, thank you so much for your excellent stories. I've had such a fucking blast uh and and thank you to our listener for bringing truly the most divisive uh essay of the entire series so far uh i'm so happy to know that everyone's still alive and safe and well and i love you all thanks for coming thank you thank you coming. Thank you. Thank you. Lamorne Morris will appear in the new season of Fargo on FX. Zoe Lister-Jones created and stars

in Slip on the Roku channel and Adam Pally appears in the Netflix series Foo Bar along Arnold Schwarzenegger and is in the movie Who Invited Charlie? They're all so funny. Go check out all of their stuff. Bad Dates is produced by Smartless Media and Wondery. Created by Robert Cohen. They're all so funny. Go check is Maddy McCann. Music by Cushy and Evan Schletter. Executive producers are Will Arnett, Jason Bateman and Sean Hayes. Executive producers

for Smart List Media are Richard Coulson and Bernie Kaminsky. If you've had a bad date and you'd like to tell us all about it, our number is 984-265-3283 and our email is baddatespod at gmail.com. We can't wait to hear all about it. That's all for this week. We will see you next time for more Bad Dates. Smart.

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