Bad Dates with Jameela Jamil - Re-Release: We All Heard Carl: Live in LA (w/ Sarah Silverman, Jillian Bell, and Mae Martin)

Episode Date: April 8, 2024

For the next few weeks, please enjoy repeat performances of some of the Bad Dates team's favorite episodes.On this special LIVE episode of Bad Dates, Jameela welcomes comedians Sarah Silverman, Jillian Bell, and Mae Martin to the stage at Dynasty Typewriter in Los Angeles to discuss their most iconic dating fiascos. Sarah’s Carl is marooned up a particular creek with no paddle, but it’s the chocolate-covered fruitsicle that will be his downfall. Jillian’s Carl engineers an adorable meet cute, but unfortunately bad dates come in threes. Mae’s Carl tucks them in as snug as a bug in a rug, but something sinister lurks below the duvet. Plus, two of our audience members tell us about Carls of their own.Sarah Silverman: https://sarahsilvermanmerch.com/Jillian Bell: @jillianbell on Twitter and InstagramMae Martin: https://www.maemartin.net/See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

I'm Matt Ford and I'm Alice Levine and we're the hosts of British Scandal. In our latest series we're visiting one of the rockiest sibling relationships ever. Okay so I'm thinking Danny and Kylie, no no no I'm thinking Anne Boleyn and the other Boleyn. No no Barry and Paul Chuckle. No, it's Noel and Liam Gallagher. Now these two couldn't be more different but they're tied to each other in musical dependency. Despite their music catching the attention of people around the world,

Liam's behavior could destroy their chances. However, their manager saw an opportunity to build a brand around their rebellious nature. It's got fights on boats, fights on planes, fights on land. They just fight everywhere. If you like fights, you'll love this. To find out the full story, follow British Scandal wherever you listen to podcasts,

or listen early and ad-free on Wondry+, on Apple Podcasts, or on the Wondry app. Hello, I'm Emily, one of the hosts of Terribly Famous, the show that takes you inside the lives of our biggest celebrities. Some of them hit the big time overnight, some had to plug away for years, but in our latest series we're talking about a man who was world famous before he was even born. A life of extreme privilege that was mapped out from the start, but left him struggling to find his true purpose. A man who, compared to his big brother, felt a bit, you know, spare.

Yes, it's Prince Harry. You might think you know everything about him, but trust me, there's even more. We follow Harry and the obsessive, all-consuming relationship of his life, not with Meghan, but the British tabloid press. Hounded and harassed, Harry is taking on an institution almost every bit as powerful as his own royal family. Follow Terribly Famous wherever you listen to podcasts, or listen early and ad-free on Wandery Plus on Apple Podcasts or the Wandery app. I'm Afua Hirsch. I'm Peter Frankopan. And in our podcast Legacy, we explore the lives of some of the biggest characters in history.

This season, we delve into the life of Alan Turing. Why are we talking about Alan Turing, Peter? Alan Turing is the father of computer science and some of those questions we're thinking about today around artificial intelligence. Turing was so involved in setting and framing what some of those questions were, but he's also interesting for lots of other reasons, Afro. He had such a fascinating life. He was unapologetically gay at a time when that was completely criminalised and stigmatised. And from his imagination,

he created ideas that have formed a very physical, practical foundation for all of the technology on which our lives depend. And on top of that, he's responsible for being part of a team that saved millions, maybe even tens of millions of lives because of his work during the Second World War using maths and computer science to code-break. So join us on Legacy wherever you get your podcasts. Hello, Bad Dates listeners. Producer Devin back again with another favorite of mine from our first year of the show and new episodes coming along shortly. This one was our second live show at the Fabulous Dynasty Typewriter here in Los Angeles. We did this as a benefit

show, sold it out and made a nice chunk of change to donate, which always feels good. And just as importantly, the show was awesome. We had the benefit of some great guests, Sarah Silverman, Jillian Bell, and Taskmaster champ, Mae Martin. We had some really funny dates from the audience too, and Mae's story here, which they did want to tell on their very first appearance, but were just too nervous to do it,

is maybe our favorite from the whole year here at the Bad Dates offices. Also, this episode has Jillian inventing the chant, We All Heard Carl, to cover for when one of our guests slips and accidentally says a real name that they shouldn't have in front of a crowd. What really warmed my heart was at our Toronto live show months later when the same thing happened and some people in the audience totally unprompted shouted out, We All Heard Carl. We love an audience that respects the cone of silence.

Thank you. Please enjoy We All Heard Carl, live from LA. Are you guys ready for a great show? Please keep that love going. This is being recorded, so laugh out loud as much as you possibly can and make it loud for your host, Jamila Jamil! Hi! Hello everyone! Give it up for Zach Noe Towers for God's sake!

Hello, how are you? Are you well? Thank God, because I'm shitting myself. I'm very afraid of being alone on stage. If you've ever seen my Twitter, you will know that I'm someone who far too often allows the intrusive thoughts to win. And so it doesn't feel super safe. But thankfully for all of us, I'm going to be joined on stage by three of the funniest people in the world. Can we give a little round of applause for Gillian Bell?

CHEERING Such a hilarious actress and human, and one of my best friends and one of my favourite humans on the planet, May Martin. CHEERING And the comedy icon, that is Sarah Bucking Silverman. So I, just for anyone who doesn't know, there's a podcast about the funniest and silliest things that have ever happened on the road to love or shagging or both, preferably both, also fun. And these three have kindly come here today to share their best stories.

Before we get into those stories, I just first want to know what each of you are like when it comes to dating. Are you fun to date? Do you enjoy dating? Sarah, I'm going to go first with you. You have the most horrified face. Well, I don't... You know, when I was thinking of this,

I was like, I don't... I haven't been on many dates. Like, I'm usually... I locate a person. I zero in on a person. And then I, um... Google her. ...like, invite him to hang out.

And then, like, 38 minutes into it, we're having sex and then we're together for at least two years. So I'm excited. I just haven't like, I did go on one date, not long, you know, I don't know, four years ago where it was like a date. Like he picked me up, we went to a restaurant and he ordered for me.

Stop. It was one crazy. Wait, did you like it or not like it? I was giggling just like uncomfortably, which I've literally done through sexual assault. Because, you know, no one's telling you it's going to be tragic. It's like there's no slow motion. There's no music playing. That's no slow motion, there's no music playing that's like, no, this is a serious moment. Hi.

Wait, what was the question? Wait, yeah, he ordered for me. One guy, he ordered for me. And he ordered a meat thing. She'll have the sausage something. And I was like, oh, I don't eat meat and he was like, and then instead of like, well what would you like, he was like, well what's the best vegetarian dish?

She'll have that and I'm just like, I found it amusing and I giggled and I was just like, I've never, no one's ever like ordered for me before and he was like, well I don't think chivalry is dead. And I'm just like, what part of chivalry is just taking- I think it just died in that moment. Yeah, that was the death of it. Just taking choices away from you.

The woman will have a meat or a vegetable. Yeah. But I did try to fuck him, but it didn't happen. Yeah, so. What do you mean you tried? Well, it's funny. He took me home, he came up, and I literally between dinner and coming to my apartment

watched him get a cold in his defense. You ever see someone get a cold? It was crazy. I go, am I watching you get sick and what that looks like? He was like, well, am I watching you get sick? Can you show me what that looks like? He was like, well, normally I like to, I don't know what I was improvising. I'm not a good improviser, but it was a sentence.

And he suddenly, like his nose, you could tell just, you know how in my pool, my nose will just stop breathing? I get something in my pool must make me allergic. Anyway, that's what I watched happen. He came up, I gave him some lipospheric vitamin C, which you should take every day. It's really incredible. But pricey, pricey per packet.

Who needs lube? Others are on this show, I'm sorry. But yeah, and then I like, he kissed me, even though he had a cold, but it was different times. And I did do my move where I put my finger like inside his jean top. But then he was like, go, go, go. This is your move?

I don't know, it's a move. Oh, just holding it? Like he's kissing me and then I like put my finger down the front of his. Is that not a move? I love it. I was 100% full for that move. I want to know what everyone's move is. Can I just show you?

It's like this. I'll do it three or, but then just kind of like, we're kissing and then I just go like, weren't. It's good, it's not bad. I love this move. Because I mean, you know, I don't know. Anyway, he, yeah.

It must be kind of relaxing to know what your move is. Be like, I'll just do my move. Like that. I mean, I think this is the first time I've ever articulated it, even in my own brain. And Jillian, what about yourself? Do you enjoy dating? Are you good at it? I don't know. I usually get a second date. If I go on a first date. Round of applause for Jillian.

Thanks, you guys. Sorry. No, no, it's okay. Yeah, I'm all right at it. I feel like I try to win, though, you know? What does that mean? Am I charming? And hope for the best. But I do remember a bad date I went on that was that's not my story, you know, which is that I went out with this guy. We met at a karaoke bar, which is

the first sign I shouldn't have gone out with him. But we went out and he was like, how about a museum date? And I said, great. And then I was like, it's free. Just, you know, yeah, yeah, yeah. But is I was like, oh, it's free. Uh, it's just, you know. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wait, is that a good thing or a bad thing? I don't know. I don't know. Maybe spend a couple pennies.

Oh, 100%, yes. But then he was like, let's get a meal. So we walked over and we got some dinner and he ate a full meal. Was it a happy meal? Yeah. Yeah. It was a decent meal. It wasn't a McDonald's.

And when it was done, the waitress came by and he goes, I forgot my wallet. And I go, oh, I, and then I like started to read and the waitress goes, oh, is it in your car? We can wait. Oh my God. Oh my God. And I was like, I love you. Whoa. And he goes, I mean, I think she was reaching for,

and I go, yeah, he goes, I only have a few bucks on me. And I was like, okay, so I paid for it. And then we walked to where my car was valet. And I go, oh, look, it's only like a few bucks. And he goes, well, it's been a great night. And he walked away. And I paid for that too. And then years later, years, he called me and he left me a voicemail. What?

And he said, I was really going through some stuff during that time and I really want to apologize to you. So now we all love him. That's a nice happy ending. Yeah. That's so nice. You're a nice and a generous date. And I think you won that date for sure.

Thank you. May, how would you describe dating? Do you enjoy it? Are you good to date? I can imagine you're the fucking best. Oh, I think if I'm single, I'm like a prolific dater. I like dates. I like an activity.

But I don't know if I'm really myself. Like I have like a book in my bag with like interesting facts to deploy and like I do a lot of like escape rooms and... Do you have a favorite fact of your facts? Oh, I mean, yeah, so many. Okay, but like one time Arthur Conan Doyle, who wrote, this is just the one that came to me, who wrote, um, that's yet. Yeah, I was about to say wrote Shakespeare.

Yeah, Arthur Conan Doyle, he was watching a cricket game and the ball flew into the audience and it struck him in his thigh. And in his thigh, he had a pack of matches that exploded and like lit him on fire. Fucking amazing fact, actually, thank you. I also do a lot of escape rooms, and that's really, some people really hate that. And feel pressured to do it, they're invited,

and I love the intensity of an escape room, and I did take someone recently who was like there's no actors there's no live actors and I was like no and I even checked there's no live actors and they were like we'll see and I just didn't pass that on and then the first thing that happened was she was chained to a chair I was in a dungeon and a guy with a chainsaw came running out at her. I felt awful. I felt like, I promise he's not an actor. Yeah.

But weren't you also like in prison somehow? I was in, I was behind the, so I couldn't get there to help. Oh man, it was scary. Yeah. Terrifying. Okay, so slightly dangerous to date, but generally a sweetheart with a lot of facts.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think we'd all date you. Happily, happily. All right, so I want to get into... Okay, several people already. Bad Dates Bad Dates Sarah, will you go first and tell me the story,

the tale of Sweet Carl? It was the late 90s. I was dating this lovely, lovely guy. We're gonna call him Sweet Carl. Or Carl. But the name of this story is Sweet Carl. Or Carl. But the name of this story is Sweet Carl. All right. Carl and I go to my sister.

Carl is not his name, but it's gonna be his name because I wanted just a very difficult name that seems like one syllable but is clearly two. Yeah. Carl. The boyfriend was like, why would you call him Carl? You can't even say my name. I don't know. All right.

My boyfriend's name is Roary. Okay. Carl. Carl and I go to... I'm really glad to not be the only one stoned on this stage right now. Oh God, I've had so much clonopin, I could be peeing right now and I would have no idea. Oh yeah, I'm numb from the waist down. Carl and I went to visit my sister Susie,

Rabbi Susie in Massachusetts. She was living in Massachusetts at this time. She has five kids, maybe at this time she had four. But we stayed in, they have like in the attic, they have a little room, you know, those attics, they have a little room and then a little bathroom. So we get in late at night, we go to sleep, we wake up in the morning, one of the nieces wakes us up,

it's so cute. And then Carl goes to wash up, and I go downstairs, and I hang out with my sister. We make breakfast. We eat breakfast. We're talking. We're laughing. And then all of a sudden, we're like, where's Carl?

And I'm like, Carl? Nothing. And then I go up the stairs to look up the stair, the others, you know, there's like the little stairs to the attic. And I'm like, Carl? Nothing. And then I go up the stairs to look up the stair, the others, you know, there's like the little stairs to the attic, and I'm like, and then I see the bathroom door is closed, and I go, oh. Because we're not, like, very,

we're not at a point where I'm going to be like, Carl? Are you making a BM? You know, like, it's like, no, we're not at that. I'm not, so, um, I just said it because my mom used to say BM, and it still makes me, like, no, we're not in that. So I just said it because my mom used to say BM and it still makes me like get embarrassed. So I go downstairs and I say, Suzy,

I think he's in the bathroom and she goes, ah, ah, ah. And don't explain why, just leave it there. Before I explain why, I just wanna say my sister does that for anything, so I'm not worried yet. I can take you back to the day she got her driver's license. She's seven years older than me,

so like I was, she was 16 and I was nine, and she took me to McDonald's to the drive-through, you know, because she got to drive, and I had to sit in the back seat. And then we're driving home, and I did this thing with the straw, you know, like... I can hear it as you're doing it. It goes like, I'm moving the straw up and down with my chocolate shake.

Yeah, it goes... You know, and Suzy goes... She almost got in an accident and I was like, what? And she goes, oh my God, it's your shake. And I remember going, what did you think it was? And she goes, oh my God, it's your shake. And I remember going, what did you think it was? And she goes, I thought it was a clown laughing. So anyway, cut to many years later,

it's like, I don't know, 99. And she does that, you know, and I'm like, what? And she says, I totally forgot to tell you that that bathroom is out of order. It does not flush. And then we just both started, like, sobbing, crying, you know, because there's, like, what do you even do? Like, and, uh...

I couldn't, I wasn't gonna be like, "[bleep], did you poop?" You know, whatever, and we're just like... He's "[bleep"] up. Oh! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

We're gonna edit that out. We'll edit that out. This is a fucking safe space. This is a vault. This is a circle of trust. God, you're so sweet. No one repeats that it was f***. We all heard Carl.

We all heard Carl. You learned the art. We all heard Carl. Thanks. Sorry for drawing attention to it. I feel like everyone was... So Carl was on his own. He is gonna have to figure this out for himself. Well, much longer later, he came down.

We're all kind of looking around, but all right. He seems like totally he didn't have anything to tell us. He was just like, well, I was just hanging out. And I did kind of peek up there at one point. Immaculate. So all I can imagine is either sheer terror. Terror? Just sheer terror gave him plumbing skills.

Or he picked up that poop and threw it out the window. Like a fucking winner. Yeah, by the way. I appreciate it. That's pretty much it. A little later in the day, we're all hanging out laughing, and I remembered laughing in the morning, and I was like,

Suzy, what were you laughing about this morning? And then she looked at me, and I had a heart attack, and we very quickly changed the subject. I'm still very good friends with Carl. And we ended up, we broke up actually on 9-11 over a chocolate-covered fruit sickle. And this is relevant, by the way. It is?

It is. Am I gonna tell the story? You're gonna tell the fucking story. Well this I feel bad because but um we were in my apartment I had a little apartment and 9-11 happened and I was on the phone with my sisters were crying it's terrifying it's you know but several hours later at some point we're like, I'm starving, you know, so we went and get something to eat and remember that day, everyone you pass you're like looking at each other like, oh my God, we're at war, like this is crazy. I'll have the number nine. Yeah, it's like sad ordering is so weird.

Like, God, is so weird. Like, God, is this the end times? It's horrible. Can I sub cheese for... I was about to cry. Do you want dipping sauces? Yeah. So, we come back to my place, and he's already like, I'm gonna write, you know?

I mean, I feel like that's an asshole way of doing his voice. He was like, I'm gonna write, all right. So he's writing at my desk, and I'm on the phone with my sister, and he comes in for a second, peeks into the bedroom where I'm on the phone, and he's got this chocolate-covered fruit-sicle, and he's like, you don't care?

And I'm like, yeah, yeah. I go, will you do me a favor? Would you get a paper towel for that? And he's like, mm, yeah. So a little while later I come out and I sit on his lap. Hey, what you working on? And I see, I had just gotten this used wooden desk, like a wooden table, you know?

The paper towel's here, and the chocolate-covered fruitcicle's just melting here, you know? And I still keep my shit together, like a hero, and I go... Uh, Carl, uh... The paper towel's for the chocolate-covered fruitcicle, you know? He goes...

He doesn't go, oh, my gosh, I'm sorry. Hele, you know? He goes, he doesn't go, oh my gosh, I'm sorry. He just leaves it there. He goes, it's chocolate on a table. And I go, oh boy. Yeah, I go, all right. But it's my table and I don't want chocolate. I mean, I could get bugs. It's chocolate on a table.

And I'm like, okay. So I go to pee. But then in the time I peed And I'm like, mm, okay. So I go to pee. But then in the time I peed, I was like, fuck that motherfucker. And I know it's 9-11, and there's more important things, but I come back and I go, pick that up!

That's my table, and I don't want melted chocolate on it. And he says, it's chocolate on a table. Oh my God. And I said, get the fuck out of my apartment. And that was the last date we dated. But he is an excellent man, and I love him.

An excellent man, but I think it's striking that he's willing to handle his own poo with his bare hands, but will not pick up a chocolate popsicle. That he's eating. Yeah. That is a good point. Maybe he was jerking off in the bathroom.

For two hours? Okay, yeah. Wait, was it two hours? It was like, it was a couple hours. I wish I hadn't said it. I do love that though. Oh no. And if I found out that were true, I would be thrilled.

It's my like escape room brain, right? I'm like, is there another way out? Mm-hmm. I had a brief thought that maybe it's not in the hole, but is it in the back compartment? You think he took a shit in the tank? No, I think he took a shit in the hole. But then moved it to the tank. Oh my God.

Why would he move it to the tank? Every flush after that, the water would be poopy. I know. Have you guys seen the- Jillian Bell. Some people just wanna see the world burn? I've never seen Gillian look this alive. Honestly, it started with Sarah talking about the guy who got a cold through the date.

That is the funniest thing I've ever heard and so has happened to people. Have you guys heard that news story about that girl who went to, right, who went to, it's one of our favorites, who went to her boyfriend's parents house for dinner. This is true, it's not urban myth, it's true, it's in the papers. There's a fucking amazing photograph of it online that I urge you to go and Google after this show, where she went to the toilet, she was feeling a little bit nervous. We've all done a nervous poo, all right? We've all done it.

But she did it in his parents' house. It was ginormous and it broke the toilet. So it wasn't going to flush. So she panicked, she didn't know how she was gonna get out of this. And so she did the natural thing which was pick it up just like Carl with her bare hands and tried to throw it out of the window but unfortunately his family were quite well off and had double

glazing and so it got trapped in between the double glazing. Only one was open. This is verifiable. Yeah. It gets better. It gets better. It gets better. She decides, like the gallant hero that she is, to try to climb into this double glazing.

Like this. To reach down. And there is a photograph of her. She got stuck. Like this, stuck in between the double glazing and the fire brigade have had to come to remove her and save her and that photograph is how she will be immortalized for the rest of her life. But do you know what's so nice is they stayed together. There was an early date and they stayed, I remember reading the article and at the end it was like they kept

dating, they stayed together. So it was like an early date and then he was like what a legend. Yeah. Yeah. Bad dates. The early 2000s was a breeding ground for bad reality competition series from shows like Kid Nation, CBS's weird Lord of the Flies style social experiment that took 40 kids to live by themselves in a ghost town to The Swan, a horrifying concept where women spent months undergoing a physical transformation and then were made to compete in a beauty pageant. Hi, I'm Misha Brown and I'm the

host of Wanderer's podcast, The Big Flop. Each episode, comedians join me to chronicle one of the biggest pop culture fails of all time and try to answer the age-old question, who thought this was a good idea? Recently on The Big Flop, we looked at the reality TV show, The Swan. The problem, this dream opportunity quickly became a viewing nightmare.

They were isolated for weeks, berated, operated on, and then were ranked by a panel of judges. Follow the big flop on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. Are you looking to add a new podcast to your ever-growing podcast schedule? If the answer to that question is yes, or even if it's, eh, maybe,

or really anything other than a hard no, let me suggest my podcast, Life is Short with Justin Long. In every episode, we peek inside the heads of actors, musicians, authors, and thinkers to find out what makes them tick and how they find meaning in life. I'm also very curious about some of the heavier,

more existential stuff, like what emoji they use most often and what their favorite form of a potato is, you know, the important stuff. So join us because, you know, life is short. If you'd like life is short and life is shorter, you can listen ad free right now by joining Wondery Plus in the Wondery app or on Apple podcasts. Prime members can listen ad free on Amazon Music. Jillian. Oh, you're up next. Oh, no. Oh, no. Okay, everyone, please get ready for once, twice, three times a lady.

All right. Well, sometimes dates are good. Yeah. I don't know if you know that, but they are. And it doesn't really help this podcast. The first date I had with this guy, Carl. I'm not going to name him, but everyone's Carl on this show. Yeah, everyone's Carl. Carl. I listen. I I am a lady of a certain age.

I saw him on Instagram. I thought, what do the kids do? You follow him. You see if he follows you back. And then you go in the DMs. And I did that. And it said a funny thing. And he said a funny thing.

Then we got each other's numbers. It was going great. Then he's like, you know, maybe we should make this official. Maybe we should meet up, have a cup of coffee. And I said, Oh, well, I don't drink coffee. I love water. Great. I go, but I go for a drink. He said, I don't drink. I like water. So what should we do? So then he said, Well, what is what? What do they do? Like in a meat cube? Let's like make a meat cube. And I'm like, that's sweet as heck. And I said like in a Jennifer Lopez movie?

And he said, yeah, what do they do in those? And I said, well, usually it's like, oh, I'm a chef. And I met the guy in a cookbook aisle at my local bookstore. And he said, well, we're doing that. What's the one closest to you? So this is great. Right. Oh, my gosh. I'm loving it. So then I'm just standing there staring at goddamn cookbooks,

just sweating, just waiting and then not wanting to like be the first one to see him. And, you know, and then he walks up and he's very handsome. And we we hung out for a little bit, walked up and down Ventura Boulevard and I got in my car to drive him to his car and there was Christmas music playing and we kissed. Is that the loveliest first date ever? Great date. Second date.

We go to a nice restaurant. Lovely, we're having a good time. Maybe we should go for a walk again. It's kind of our thing. So we go for a walk. And he says to me, I could tell he's nervous. And I'm like, what's going on, buddy?

And he's like, you know, I really think we should tell each other every single relationship we've ever been in. What? Why? And I was like, okay. Uh, well, there's this guy, this,

and he's like, great, here's my past. And I'm like, okay. And then he goes, I just want to say, I'm not gonna like. And then he goes, I just want to say, I'm not going to like marry you right now. Exactly. And I thought, I do. So I just kept proposing to him for the whole night to win him over. There's that charm. And.

And by the end of the day, we were kind of laughing about it, and I'm like, yeah, he's handsome. I'm going to forget about it. Third date. Ooh. This was the last date. Don't worry. It doesn't keep going.

Third date. I said, I'm going to make you dinner. Come over to my house. I'm going to make you dinner. He said, this is all over text. Great. What can I bring you? I said, nothing, just a bunch of flowers. And he said, huh? And I'm like, no, I'm just kidding. Just come over. So he shows up 40 minutes late with a bottle of wine that he won't drink. And I'm like, what's happening? And he goes,

I went to go get you flowers because of that you said that for the bit. So I'm getting all these flowers together, and I'm like, no, she needs to know I don't get women flowers. What? And I'm like, come on in. I'm like, but you bought wine?

And he goes, yeah, then I felt bad not bringing anything, so I stopped and got a bottle of wine. So he comes in. We have dinner, and he's looking around my home making slight judgments. He's like, tarot cards. And I go, yeah, just for fun. And he goes, that's a trigger for me.

And I go, okay. just for fun. And he goes, that's a trigger for me. And I go, okay. Whoa. Did he explain why? His mother used to do them and she never explained them to him. So it really freaks him out. Did he explain why he doesn't buy women flowers? No, never got to the bottom of that. I just let that slide on by. I do kind of love the idea of a mom sitting there sundown every day after school,

laying out tarot cards and being like, it's bad, but not explaining it. It's like, but is it real? And it's like, I don't know, man. That is psychological torture, yeah. You just got the devil card again. There's an amazing way of controlling them and telling them terrible things are gonna happen

if they don't clean their room or do what you say. Right. So now he needs to let women know you're not getting flowers. You're not getting flowers. You're not getting flowers. You're not getting flowers. You're not getting flowers. You're not getting flowers. You're not getting flowers. You're not getting flowers. You're not getting flowers. You're not getting flowers. You're not getting flowers. You're not getting flowers. You're not getting flowers. You're not getting flowers. You're not getting flowers. You're not getting flowers. You're not getting flowers. You're not getting flowers. You're not getting flowers. You're not getting flowers. You're not getting flowers. You're not getting flowers. You're not getting flowers. You're not getting flowers. You're not getting flowers. You're not getting flowers. You're not getting flowers. You're not getting flowers. You're not getting flowers. You're not getting flowers. You're not getting flowers. You're not getting flowers. You're not getting flowers. You're not getting flowers. You're not getting flowers. You're not getting flowers. You're not getting flowers. You're not getting flowers. You're not getting flowers. You're not getting flowers. You're not getting flowers. You're not getting flowers. You're not getting flowers. You're not getting flowers. You're not getting flowers. You're not getting flowers. You're not getting flowers. You're not getting flowers. You're not getting flowers. You're not getting flowers. You're not getting flowers. You're not getting flowers. You're not getting flowers. You're not getting flowers. You're not getting flowers. You're not getting flowers. You're not getting flowers. You're not getting flowers. You're not getting flowers. You're not getting flowers. You're not getting flowers. You're not getting flowers. You're not getting flowers. You're not getting flowers. You're not getting flowers. You're not getting flowers. You're not getting So I have a dog and my dog was outside of the backyard and I was like, oh, he's kind of afraid of this, you know, fireworks or something like that. And he said, he goes, oh, you're one of those people who like puts human emotions on animals. I go, yeah. Yeah. Is that I didn't know that was a problem. Because fear is an emotion only humans have. Right. Exactly. Exactly.

So he says, could I come sit by you? I was like, why the heck not? It's going so great. And he proceeds to kiss me and then push me away and go, I'm not your boyfriend, just to be clear. Oh my God, this fucking guy. Oh my God.

What the fuck is this? Is he a woman? I don't know. Oh shit. I don't know. Go. Go. Go.

Go. Go. Go. The end of this, I'm getting to the end of this. I'm sorry, I'm taking so long. No, you're, I'm having a lovely time. Okay, so good, good. I didn't. Up all of you, I'm getting to the end of this. I'm sorry, I'm taking so long. No, you're, I'm having a lovely time. Okay, so good, good. I didn't.

Of all of you, I'm having a lovely time. So for some reason I am saying, want to see the rest of the house? Because I think I was like, might as well try to get laid. Yeah, you put the time in, yeah. Yeah, yeah. I live, so it's me, my sister and her husband, we all live together in like a sitcom house. Yeah, I live, so it's me, my sister, and her husband.

We all live together in like a sitcom house. And, you know, they're on the other side of the house, but we went up to my room and we started kissing a little bit. And he's like, I just feel like they can hear me. And I'm like, I think you should go. So we go downstairs and I walk him out to the front and he just stares at me, and I go,

man, I bought a new bra for this, too. And he goes, you did? Can I see it? And I go, yeah, all right. And I lifted up my shirt. I lifted up my shirt. I lifted up my shirt. I lifted up my shirt.

I lifted up my shirt. I lifted up my shirt. Over my head. And I put my shirt back down, and he goes, this is me, and I put my shirt back down, and he goes, this is me, and he lifted his shirt over his head. I was like, cool, and he goes, we're never gonna see each other again, are we?

And I go, nah. Amazing. Amazing. And the craziest part is we did. Years later, he said, I want to take you to a movie. It's really important to me. I've already seen it. We went. We saw uncut gems.

What is happening? Spoiler alert. Plug yours if you don't wanna know, someone gets shot in the head at the end of the movie and then he leaned over to kiss me and I go, yeah right. Ah. That movie is so stressful. I was stressed for like four days after that.

I was having heart palpitations, I was like, what? And he's like, my tongue. I'm like, no. Did he apologize for like the other guy? Was he like, oh, I was going through a weird time? No. Oh, this guy sucks. I think he felt great about it.

Why, did he explain why it was important that you see this movie? No, he really doesn't explain a lot and I guess I don't ask follow-up questions. I can't think of truly anything cuter I've ever heard of than two adults just lifting their tops up at each other. I know. Just like, do you know what we did when we were little?

Not adults, other children. Where we'd just be like, oh, Willie's funny. This is me. Please God tell me someone else did that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Great, thank you. That's just the sweetest, it feels like it should be in a movie. I know, I wanna put it in a movie,

but I wonder if anybody would believe it was real. It's best they don't. They'll be like, she's so creative. You're such a legend for still showing him your bra. Well, someone needed to see it. I love that story so much. Thank you very much. Hey, listener, it's Sean Hayes. Do you know when Crystal Pepsi was discontinued or what was in Al Capone's vault? If not, then you haven't spent enough time on Wikipedia. But that's okay because you can learn all about it on the new podcast, WikiHole, from all of us here at Smartless Media.

Discover the craziest rabbit holes on Wikipedia with host Darcy Carden and her favorite comedian friends as they bring the cyber frontier directly to your tympanic membrane. And if you listen to WikiHole, you'll learn that's the sciency term for eardrum. WikiHole is the wild, wild west of Wikipedia. Starting out on one Wikipedia page, they go from link to link to link to link, careening through trivia, oddities and unexpected connections until everyone wonders, how the hell did we get here? Follow WikiHole on the Wondery app

or wherever you get your podcasts. You can listen to WikiHole ad free by joining Wondery Plus in the Wondery app or on Apple podcasts. Your girl Kiki Palmer is out here doing all the things, winning an Emmy, acting, singing, looking fabulous, and my favorite role yet, podcast host. In my podcast, Baby This Is Kiki Palmer, I'm talking to so many cool people.

Some of my favorite conversations have been about growing up as a child star with Allian AJ, queer rights and trans issues with JVN, abusive relationships with Dr. Drew, silk presses with the VP, and the music that shapes us with Mean Girls' Renee Rapp. So many to choose from. And in this new season, just wait who I'll be talking to next. Snoop Dogg, Sterling K. Brown, Saweetie to name a few. Follow Baby This Is Kiki Palmer on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. Watch full episodes on YouTube and you can listen to Baby This Is Kiki Palmer early and ad free.

Right now by joining Wondery Plus. So, Mae. I'm so nervous. Literally, just wiping the sweat off of your jeans. You know this story, Jamila. I do. I love this story. I convinced Mae to tell this story today. So, we have to be very kind and respectful of their privacy as to who this is. I did the podcast before and I was like I want to tell that story but I truly cannot. And so now here you are kindly telling me the tale of human burrito.

Yeah. Okay. Okay. And I'm okay., there was this person that I knew. I'm taking out all the context and details. This person that I knew will call her Carl, and she, we'd had like a flirtation, and then one night she texts me and she goes, hey, I'm in London and I have nowhere to stay, like the trains aren't running. And can I come crash at your house?

And I knew this was, like, we didn't know each other that well and I'm sure she had tons of friends in London, so I was like, okay, I know what this is. So she comes over and, okay, do I need, wow, I'm thinking, okay, I should have practiced the story. I'll just tell it, okay. So.

First of two things. First of all, we will protect you in the edit. Second of all, safe fucking space. Safe space, okay. Circle of trust. So, it's strange right away. Like it's right away strange. This is what you need to know.

She's not drunk. I am drunk. I assumed that she would be coming over drunk. It was late. And so I'd had a few drinks quickly. I got, I think I was like 25 or something. And then, so she comes over and the first strange thing that happens is she says, can we lie in your bed and pretend we're in a movie? So I'm like, what does that entail? What kind of movie? Exactly yeah so I but it's like this like sort of romance like and so we we lie in my bed and we start making out and right away like again I'm

like this oh my oh this is gonna be strange I just know right away there's like she's making these crazy noises and I haven't done anything to warrant the noises. Like what's happening with her is unconnected to anything I'm doing at all. So I know, you know what I mean? And I'm like, oh, it's like gonna, it's maybe like a bit of a performance. It's a manic pixie dream girl performance.

Sort of, yeah. And I have roommates and I'm like, okay, and then. What kind of noises? Like sex noises? Like, ah. Yes, times 20. Like, it's that, but it's like, reee! Like, it's like so...

It was a cat. I should have warned you. How loud was it? Was it very loud? Loud, loud, loud, loud. And so we start having sex. And these details are... I'm a sex-positive person, So we start having sex, and these details are... I'm a sex-positive person, but I think sometimes people take liberties

because I think they see me as, you know, okay. So we started having sex, and I was wearing a... See, your stories didn't have this level of graphic detail, but mine does, but that's okay. Okay. Um... So, no, no, it's not, but it's like... So, this is important to where the story ultimately ends up, too.

It's not, like, gratuitous, me saying this. So, immediately, she... So, yeah, I'm wearing a strap on, immediately she starts faking an orgasm and I have the same anatomy as her, I know this is you know, but I'm like let it play out like this like you know and but genuinely like no judgment that's you know. How long would we say it takes? Three minutes like it's just crazy like yeah my God. Yeah, so I'm like, okay, as the fake orgasm happens with like the noises

and everything, she pisses all over me, like gallons of, like it's like coming out. And so I start laughing really hard. And I, but I'm also a nice, and so I'm like maybe this bi-act, so I'm like, don't worry about it. Wait, is she on top? I'm on top. You and so I'm like maybe this by Ak, so I'm like don't worry about it. She's like. Wait is she on top?

I'm on top. You're on top, she's pissed. Yeah, I'm on top, she just starts pissing. Like the Trevi Fountain, like how is she? It's sort of going all over me. Yeah, right, okay, gotcha, gotcha, gotcha. And she says it's not piss. Right.

And I'm like, okay, maybe it is, maybe it isn't, but I'm pretty sure, you know. Did it smell like piss? You know, the signs were there. Like it was. But again, I'm a sex positive person, but I'm in my head, I'm like, change your sheets. So, and it was just like the weirdness

of the whole situation connected to the faking of the orgasm, which I, and so then anyway, at a certain point I thought, I need to just go to bed and kind of end this experience. So I go to bed, and I think I took like a bunch of melatonin or something to like sleep hard. And then I, so I wake up like eight hours later, slept so well, and I open my eyes and I can see I'm really groggy and I can see that she's already fully dressed and she's getting ready to

go. And she's been awake and she's like had a shower and she goes, Hey, I shouldn't have done this. I have a girlfriend. I got it. Yeah. And so I'm like, okay, that's another element of this. And she goes, I gotta go, but anyway. And so I'm like, all right, okay, bye. And then she leaves, and then I immediately remember, oh, my God, my sheets. I gotta change my sheets. And so I go to sit up, and I find that I can't. And I'm like, what is happening?

And I realize I've been tucked in tightly to the bed, like in a hotel, like around, the whole bed is tucked in and folded, and I'm tucked in so tight, like all around the bed, so, and it's kind of claustrophobic. I peel back the duvet. Oh God, oh God, oh God, duvet. There is a pile of poo in my bed. I know. So this

is the best day of my life. So it's not like a skid mark on my sheet. It's like, it is the size of a small plate. It's like a pile. It's like three, it's not like a turd. It's like a pile of loose poo, which I've been tucked into bed with. Like, I know. And so my mind is-

May it was just squat. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. That's also squirt. it was just squirt. Yeah. That's also squirt. That's also squirt, yeah. So I start screaming, and I run into my kitchen. All my roommates are my friends. They come running. I'm like, guys, you gotta see this.

And I'm like... So they come into my room and we're all screaming and um so but again like my first thought is like oh my god she must be so embarrassed she had an accident while I was asleep like something but then like the more I think about it the more I'm like but she got up she had a shower she she made no attempt to clean it up, she tucked me into it. And she knew that she did it.

The volume of poo was like, she would've known, in the shower she would've, it's just, so many, so I'm like, this is so fucked. So I throw out all my sheets in the garbage and everything and then I'm like, I'll never hear from her again, I bet. Two hours later I get a text, and the wording of it is so fascinating, because she goes, hey, that was amazing.

I want to do it again exactly the same way. So those are the specific words. So I'm like, I didn't respond, and actually, that's such a lie. I think I was like, it was great, yeah. But I didn't know what to do, because I was like, I didn't respond and actually that's such a lie. I think I was like, it was great. Yeah. I didn't know what to do because I was like,

I still in my mind I'm like, surely this was just an accident and this is anyway. I think she might be a genius though. Cause I think what she did was try to give herself like a headstart to by the time you discover it, you can't get out and like run after her. I think. But she like, why would,

wouldn't she just clear herself up and go? Yeah. She like showered, she, also, I mean, did you look anywhere on your neck for like a needle mark or anything? Because you're like, I must have taken melatonin. She drugged you and shit on you. I mean, that's her cake.

No, I know I took a bunch of stuff to sleep. Like, I know I was like, I will need to just knock myself out, but it is the boldness of, like, I could have woken up. She... I'm like, when did it happen? Like, was it during the sex? I don't think so. I think it was while I was asleep. And then, yeah, so then,

I'm telling this story to everyone that I meet. Yeah. And, yeah, losing my mind about it. And... but again, I have... Yes, so then I'm telling this story to everyone that I meet. And yeah, losing my mind about it. And but again, I have I mean, I still have this like sort of guilt about telling it because I'm like, you know, sex is so intimate. But then I'm like, this is fucked. And then so, OK, years later, I love it. Years later, epilogue, we've had a couple of years later. I'm with my friend in a pub

and my friend goes, oh my God, my friend had sex with this girl the other day and the craziest thing happened. I'm like, what? And he describes, or she describes, I can't say, like, the girl. I can't say the details. Carl. Yeah, Carl, yeah.

And, uh. Hot Carl. Hot Carl, yeah. And, and, um, basically her friend, Carl, yeah. And... Hot Carl. Hot Carl, yeah. And... And basically her friend, this guy, was having sex with her and she was on top and she during sex got off and did a shit on his chest. Non-consensual shit. So now I know it's a kink.

I'm like, okay, I can now like own the story because that was bizarre, that was insane. That's outrageous. And I will never, I'll never talk to her about it. I'm too, I know I'll never bring it up and I have bumped into her once or twice and it's like, we both know that this happened and I... Well, Mae, we have her here tonight.

Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my god. Oh my god. Round of applause for May being so generous in telling us that story. They really didn't want to. In a way, she gave me the greatest gift because I've dined out on that story for years. Oh no, she gave us all the greatest gift. Sarah said it was the greatest night of her life already. I mean, I just, like, you know when you hear a story and you just can't wait to tell someone else,

I'm just like sitting here waiting for the show to be over to tell someone else. Yeah, yeah. Bad dates. We have two members of the audience who have kindly shared their story. I felt everyone's asshole just go... So I'm looking for a Melanie and a Jillian.

Hi, hi. Which of the two are you? Hello Melanie, hello. How are you? I'm doing well. How about you? I'm good. Do you want to tell your story or would you like me to tell your story?

I can tell it. OK. Melanie is fucking ready. Let's go. OK. This is well, as soon as they sent the email, I told a friend of mine, she's like, you have to. And so since everybody else had a name for theirs, this is the cannibal. So it really sets the tone. Yeah. So this is really sets the tone. Yeah.

So this is when, this was in 2019, the spring of 2019. I was, at this point, I was teaching high school choir and I'm no longer a teacher, but at that point, I was teaching high school choir and I was going on a first date that I met from OKCupid and I was in Colorado Springs, which if you're not familiar with Colorado Springs, there are five military bases and focus on the families based there. So for a single Jewish woman in her late 20s,

it is not great. And so like, it's, it's a rough dating scene, but I met this guy on OkCupid, we were going to go to dinner. I was starving because I was coming from musical rehearsal, get to the restaurant. I'm like, it smells great. I'm so hungry. He goes, yeah, me too. I train myself to eat one meal a day. And I go, why? He's like, I don't know. I don't really like food. I was like, well, this is going to go nowhere.

But I was like, I'm here. I'm starving. Might as well sit down and get a meal out of it. So we sit down and start looking at the menu. And I go, oh, there's yak on the menu. I wonder what that's like. Because at this point, I'm just making conversation. And he goes, oh, I think I I'm gonna get that. It's my goal

to try one of every animal and then there's his paws and he then he follows it up with humans gonna be hard to get and I I think no I think my face does like the Scooby-Doo kind of like and he and I go what he goes yeah I wonder what human meat tastes like and I just go no he was And he goes, yeah, I wonder what human meat tastes like. And I just go, no. And he was like, you don't? I was like, no. And at this point I'm like, okay, I'm so hungry.

I'm just gonna order, like, how long can this be? 20 minutes, like, get my food, get out of here. This is the plot line to Dharma. Basically, yeah. I feel like a lot of things have stolen my thunder, Armie Hammer being one of them at this point. But I sit there, I'm like, OK, I'm so hungry. I might as well just order.

It's going to take, what, 20 minutes for the food to get here. And 45 minutes later, our food still hasn't arrived. And I'm sipping my water because dear God knows why I didn't order anything stronger. And there's a lull in conversation, which of course there is. And this was spring of 2019.

So this question did make sense. He asked, do you watch Game of Thrones? And I said, no, I don't really do violence. And he goes, oh, you don't do violence. And this is after he's already asked. In like a judgy way, he said it. Yes, he said it in a judgy way. Like, oh, you don't do violence.

Exactly. And this is after he asked, wondered what human meat tasted like. So I'm sitting there going, huh. And so at that point I looked at him and go, you know, I'm not really feeling a connection here. And he goes, do you want to get our food? I was like, yeah, I'm out.

So I got my food. I call, I get to my car, I call my best friend and she was like, I'm so proud of you because like college Melanie would have sat there for the whole three hours and then wondered why it was her fault. And then I call my mother who is the world's nicest human being. And I say, I tell her the whole story. I was like, this is why I don't do this. And I really think she was trying to be supportive.

And she says, well, it's not the worst date you've ever been on. And the amazing thing is I think she's right. Oh my dear God woman. Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that you had that date Thank god you got out of there because you would have been dinner. Yes That's very clear. Also, I bet we smell Oh, I mean we smell like bacon because I burned my ear with my hair tongue

Yeah, well I smelled like for three days and now I regret saying that out loud There we go. Have you Googled that guy? No. I think you should regularly Google him. I probably should. Rather than just check up on him. Yeah, I think so.

Thank you for that wonderful day. Of course. Terrifying out there. Terrified, yes. All right, now I'm looking for a Jillian. Hi. Jillian. Hi. Jillian. Yes.

How are you feeling? Nervous. Oh, don't be nervous. You're going to be great. Thanks. You're going to be great. Tell us about Carl. Carl.

I know. I was like, I can't name him and now I have a name. He's bartender Carl. So this is my old roommate who was also there this night for the beginning of it. So is your name also Carl? Yes, Carla. Oh Carla. Yeah. So this was San Francisco about 11 years ago. Bad dating scene. Bad dating scene. Everyone was dating bartenders and if you've dated a bartender you know a

bartender date means sitting at the bar waiting for them to get off. So Melissa and I had drinks, bartender Carl's working, night in's around 3 a.m. or whatever when they close up the bar and clean up, and she can vouch for this. He seemed totally sober when we left the bar. Like, normal human. And I don't drink very much, so I wasn't like very drunk. Okay, we walk the two blocks to his house, get there.

His ex-girlfriend who had a reputation for being a little protective, I guess you would say, calls him. He walks away, and I'm like, great, this is going super well. Comes back, he goes, I go, should I leave? And he goes, well, she has a key to the house. And I was like, should I leave? And he goes, no, I think we're fine. I was like, okay, cool.

So he starts drinking out of a yellow party cup. I naively assumed he was drinking water at 3.30 in the morning after his bar shift. Good, I'm not drinking anything. He keeps drinking. We're, like, talking, hanging out. And things get a little weirder. He starts to walk me through his, like,

turquoise ring collection. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly. San Francisco, yeah, I know. And, um... He walks me through them. He tells me everywhere he has bought them, and I'm like, this is endearing, sort of, whatever. Uh...

Okay, we have sex. He says weird, weird shit to me. I can't remember it word for word. I wish I could remember specifically having the thoughts of like, why is he saying this stuff to me right now? Could you paraphrase? There's definitely things about like, if he had my ass something, something, something about what he would do with it was really as if you're like, something about what he would do with it was really... As if you're... If you have my ass hat on. Yes, exactly.

Like really weird shit. Also drinking from the yellow party cup while we were having sex. Like taking breaks and drinking. I've been known to have a little chocolate almond in the middle. Yeah. It's a substance. So, okay, sex is whatever. We go to sleep.

I wake up maybe an hour later to bartender Carl pulling out his drawer, pissing all over his clothes, and then immediately stopping and looking at me and goes, who did this? Oh my God. And I went, yeah, I went, you did this, Carl, you did this. And he goes, no, who did this? And then laid down and passed out.

I immediately got up, ran to the living room, hope his roommates didn't come out, got dressed, walked out the door with my bra and socks in hand because my purse was too small to carry them and stood at 6.30 in the morning on one of the busiest corners in San Francisco, waiting for an Uber. And then he called me later that day and he's like, hey, I just wanted to know if you knew

what happened last night. And I just, I was kind to him and I said, hey, look, you were fine when we left the bar and then you got so, so drunk and I'd never seen you so drunk before in my life. And he goes, okay, thanks. And that was that, and we never went out on a date again. And now, years later, we both are raising children that are two weeks apart from each other. I know that from Instagram.

Oh my God. Yay! Oh my God. Ah! Ah! But yeah, who did this has become a very, like, a nice call between me and my friends. Who did this? You need to make merch of who did this. Yeah, who did this? Like, that's so good. But yeah, Who Did This has become a very like a nice call between me and my friends.

You need to make merch of Who Did This. Yeah, Who Did This. Yeah, so good. And that feels like a really uplifting way to end this lovely podcast. Yeah. But thank you so much to you for coming out tonight and thank you so much to such an extraordinary panel of kind and generous and hilarious people. Gillian Bell, Sarah Silverman and Mae Martin. Jimmy Lajimov. Thank you everyone. We're going to go now. And thank you by the way to our

amazing audience members. You were amazing and hilarious. Produced by Stuart Bailey. Produced, engineered and edited by Devon Torrey Bryant. Also engineered and edited by Kyle McGraw. Talent producer is Anne Harris. Associate producer is Maddy McCann. Music by Cushy and Eben Schletter. Executive producers are Will Arnett, Jason Bateman and Sean Hayes. Executive producers for Smartlist Media

are Richard Cawson and Bernie Kaminsky. If you've had a bad day and you'd like to tell us all about it, our number is 984-265-3283 and our email is baddatespod at gmail.com. We can't wait to hear all about it. That's all for this week, we will see you next can listen to Bad Dates early and ad-free on Amazon Music. Download the Amazon Music app today. Or you can listen early and add free with Wondery Plus and Apple Podcasts. Before you go, tell us about yourself by completing a short survey at Wondery.com slash survey.