Bad Dates with Jameela Jamil - Re-Release: Yum Yum Two Scoops Perfect!: Live in NYC (w/ London Hughes, Zach Zimmerman, and Michael Cruz Kayne)

Episode Date: March 18, 2024

For the next few weeks, please enjoy repeat performances of some of the Bad Dates team's favorite episodes.On this special LIVE episode, Jameela welcomes comedians London Hughes, Zach Zimmerman, and Michael Cruz Kayne to the Paradise Club in New York City to discuss their most iconic dating fiascos. London catches a dream ride to a nightmare picnic, Zach’s date beats a hasty escape, and Michael shows how far he'd jump for love. If you’ve had a bad date you’d like to tell us about, our number is 984-265-3283, and our email is [e-mail], we can’t wait to hear all about it.London Hughes: Living My Best Life, Hon: Following Your Dreams is No Joke, To Catch a Dick is streaming on Netflix. Zach Zimmerman: Is It Hot In Here? Or Am I Suffering For All Eternity For The Sins I Committed On Earth?, tour dates at zach-zimmerman.com. Michael Cruz Kayne: A Good Cry, Sorry For Your Loss, live dates at michaelcruzkayne.com. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

I'm Peter Frankapern. And I'm Afro-Hersch. And we're here to tell you about our new season of Legacy, covering the iconic, troubled musical genius that was Nina Simone. Full disclosure, this is a big one for me. Nina Simone, one of my favourite artists of all time, somebody who's had a huge impact on me,

who I think objectively stands apart for the level of her talent, the audacity of her message. If I was a first year at university, the first time I sat down and really listened to her and engaged with her message, it totally floored me. And the truth and pain and messiness of her struggle, that's all captured in unforgettable music that has stood the test of time. Think that's fair, Peter? I mean, the way in which her music comes across is so powerful, no matter what song it is. So join us on Legacy for Nina Simone.

Hello, I'm Emily and I'm one of the hosts of Terribly Famous, the show that takes you inside the lives of our biggest celebrities. And they don't get much bigger than the man who made badminton sexy. Okay, maybe that's a stretch, but if I say pop star and shuttlecocks, you know who I'm talking about. No? Short shorts? Free cocktails?

Careless whispers? Okay, last one. It's not Andrew Ridgely. Yep, that's right. It's Stone Cold icon George Michael. From teen pop sensation to one of the biggest solo artists on the planet, join us for our new series, George Michael's Fight for Freedom. From the outside, it looks like he has it all.

But behind the trademark dark sunglasses is a man in turmoil. George is trapped in a lie of his own making with a secret he feels would ruin him if the truth ever came out. Follow Terribly Famous wherever you listen to your podcasts or listen early and ad free on Wandery Plus on Apple Podcasts or the Wandery app. Hello, I am Alice Levine and I am one of the hosts of Wondry's podcast British Scandal. On our latest series, The Race to Ruin, we tell the story of a British man who took part in the first ever round the world sailing race.

Good on him, I hear you say. But there is a problem, as there always is in this show. The man in question hadn't actually sailed before. Oh, and his boat wasn't seaworthy. Oh, and also tiny little detail almost didn't mention it. He bet his family home on making it to the finish line. What ensued was one of the most complex cheating plots in British sporting history. To find out the full story, follow British Scandal wherever you listen to podcasts or listen early and ad free on Wondry Plus on Apple podcasts or the Wondry app.

Hey there, Bad Dates fans. This is Robert Cohen, the creator of and executive producer of the Bad Dates podcast. Thank you, thank you so much for listening to season one. We cannot tell you how much we appreciate it. As part of that appreciation, we are picking our favorite episodes from the season to re-listen to and this is one of my favorite flashback episodes. It was actually one of our very first episodes. We did it in New York live at a place called the Paradise Club.

We had a fantastic crowd and we had three incredible storytellers. We had London Hughes, Zach Zimmerman, and Michael Cruz-Kane. We called this episode Yum Yum 2 Scoops. And I think when you listen to it, you'll understand why. But please listen again. I hope you enjoy it as much as we did. episode Yum Yum 2 Scoops and I think when you listen to it you'll understand why, but please listen again. I hope you enjoyed it as much as we did and thank you again for listening to Bad Dates. We could not have done it without you.

Hello, and now we are bringing on our guests, London Hughes, Zach Zimmerman, and Michael Cruz-Cain. Bloody hell. I'm trying to get up here like a lady, babe. One sec. This is difficult. This is a very basic instinct moment. Do I need to cover you here like a lady, babe. One sec. This is difficult. This is a very basic instinct moment. Do I need to cover you for a second? Are you alright? Oh, that's my pooch. I'm done, Jam. Is the pussy away?

The pussy's away. The pussy's away. Alright. But the dicks are out. I'm sorry. How are you guys? You alright? Living our best lives, Jamila Jamil. How are you? Yeah, no, I'm alright. So this is a show about bad dates, right? Put your hands up if you've had a shit date.

Oh, that is 98% of the room. Jesus Christ. We are all with you. Put your hands up now if you think you were responsible for the bad date. The men at the back. Three very honest men at the back. And I think we have one woman.

Hello. I'm attracted have one woman. Hello. I'm attracted to them. Also, you know what? I join you in that. I'm a rotter. Obviously, you've seen my Twitter. It's so good to have you all here. And I just love this subject.

The reason that we're making this podcast is because it is the great equalizer. It is a democratic subject in which doesn't matter how hot or cool or funny or smart or rich or famous you are, you are never... Kind of does, don't they? Except no... I'm all those things. Yeah, literally.

We are all incredibly rich. We're all hot, famous, rich or cool on this panel. But you're just never safe. You're never safe from a bad date. Before we get into everyone's stories, I just want to know one by one, what's your relationship with dating? London. Jesus Christ, I have no relationship, it's bad. We're not together anymore.

Have you consciously uncoupled? Consciously uncoupled, it's shitty. Can I swear? I've just sworn like 15 hours. I think we started the show with pussy away. That's very true. No, I have a terrible relationship with dating. Don't love me. No, but you're currently single and still dating. Very much so. Yes.

And London has made a vow to get a boyfriend by Thanksgiving. I can do it! Gentleman, of course you can. Thank you ladies. What made you pick Thanksgiving? It's an American holiday that I watch in the show. I watch it in movies. And I'm like, oh, I want that.

I want a little American boy and a turkey. It's a holiday known for great relationships. I love all that shit. Little turk candy, yams and all that. I love it. I don't know what they are. You're mocking our culture. That's what I'm hearing.

The world mocks your culture. It's America. This is why we did... Let's be very clear. This is why we did Fourth of July. It was this. This is why they went independent from us. For fuck's sake, London. We are arranged on stage in a clear line. Yes, there's a divide. This is the Atlantic Ocean right here.

There is. The Brits on this side and the Heavans. Heavans. Zach, what's your relationship to dating? Like how's it been for you? Are you currently dating? Oh dating's great, no notes, you know, everyone's perfect, they all know what they want, everyone's clean, clear. They all look the same as they do on their profile picture. I think dating today is very hard because there's tools that make it seem like it's easy,

but it's actually very, it makes it harder. And then they charge you money. I was thinking dating apps, but also dildos. They seem, no one ever needs to date again if you have that little magic wand. Rabbit, me and him, best friends. I love my rabbit. But sincerely, like, how is it out there?

Do you live here? Yes, I live here at the Paradise Club here in Times Square in New York City, which is what I call my bedroom. Am I right? Okay, we're having fun. I'm so sorry. I've been sitting on that for a while. But I'm single and trying to be very happy single.

And if things come along, that's great. Because you've got to love yourself, etc. etc. That's so sweet. Thank you. Beautiful. That felt slightly patronizing. No, I meant it really so beautiful. He's married, so I have no trust in you. Yeah, I'm married.

Sorry, ladies. Uh-oh. Had your eye on a guy who wore a hoodie to something that she wore that to? Well, sucks for you. He's married. So I guess my relationship with dating You don't have your eye on a guy who wore a hoodie to something that she wore that to? Well, sucks for you. He's married. Boo.

So I guess my relationship with dating, my wife and I, sorry. Okay, my wife and I have been married for 15 years. I know. Jesus Christ. It's hard to believe because I am very young and fuckable, right? Industry.

So we try to go on dates, but we have children. So it's tough, it's tough. It's just, you know, it's tough. But you gotta keep the passion alive, I always say. One must. And let's not talk about that anymore. I think it's good to have someone like me, sorry, on the show to represent the people

who have kind of one dating. Oh, wow. Okay. Yeah, because I bet you've never been on a bad date as with your wife, right? That's exactly right. Because me and my beautiful wife who is listening to this knows that she is beautiful.

I love that the one straight white guy on this show is like, you need me on this show because my opinion is so fucking rare. Wait, hang on. I'm a straight white man. Wait, he's not all. Wait a second. I am half Asian.

Yeah. Oh, oh wow. I'm, okay. Cancel. I'm so sorry. Stop Asian hates. Stop Asian hate. Thank you. I'm so sorry, white Asian man. I'm so sorry. You Asian.

All right. But Michael, I'm representing white over here. Yeah. Jesus. Oh, my. I'm wearing white. We've only been doing this five minutes and there's already a race for. Literally, what is this podcast about? I'm married! It's called Best Day of Your Life. Okay, wait, before you were married,

how did you find the dating scene? Like, is there a part of you that misses it or are you super relieved to not be in it? 1960s, what was dating like? Okay! I didn't like dating, I wasn't any good at it. My whole, kind of like, the move I would pull on the ladies was trying to just still be around

after they had dated everyone else. You know what I mean? I would like gradually, like their standards would gradually lower and they'd be like, well, he's still here. And that's kind of how I would, that was my approach. Is that, you look at me with such pity and I think that's right.

No, I'm not, I'm actually not, I'm just like, there's a part of me that really resonates with that. I hadn't kissed anyone till I was 21 because I was so rubbish at, oh me, although I've kind of enjoyed it. At parties, I would panic, and I would set up a coat check at a house party that doesn't need a coat check. And I was 14 years old, and I would set up like a coat check at a house party that doesn't need a coat check.

And I was like 14 years old and I would charge people. So I would make money because I'm Asian as fuck. And I would be there until the very end of the party at the very end of the night, making sure everyone diligently got their coat back and got home safe. And so I was there at the end, like the dregs who someone would maybe

consider having sex with. I've never heard of anyone having a sort of anxiety that goes, okay, I'm freaked out, let me give myself a profession. I think that it's important to say that like while dating can be shit, relationships can also be really, really hard. So I think it's just important for us

to just make sure that everyone is, we're not shitting on single life. I mean, really hard. So I think it's just important for us to just make sure that everyone is, we're not shitting on single life. I mean, Michael is. But the rest of us, the rest of us aren't. We are here in celebration of the stupidest dates we've ever been on, and now it's time to hear them. One person clap, thank you. Oh, yeah, yeah.

Bad dates. Thank you. Oh, yeah, yeah. Bad Gates. Bad Gates. All right, so we're going straight in. London, your story's up first. It's called Ferrari Fiasco. Yes.

Yes, it is. Are you ready? I'm ready. Is the audience ready? Are you guys ready? Woo! Oh, gosh. Ferrari Fiasco. Go on. Hit me. Are you ready? I'm ready. Is the audience ready? Are you guys ready? Ferrari fiasco. Go on. I'll start from the beginning. First of all, I need to make sure this is a safe space So, um, are there single women in the house? Single women, make some noise. Okay

Just making sure my ladies are here because some of you can't relate to this. So Okay, so I'm very much single currently at the time of this day. I was depressingly single. You know when ladies, when you literally just want any man, you know, when you're just so single that you like reply to the pizza hut texts that you get on your phone. That was Michael's whole life. This is when I swooped in. Literally, like, that was the part.

And like, I wanted like, we all have, when we're single, like, we like to manifest what our dream guy is. And I was manifesting my dream date at the time, and then it came true. And then it didn't. So I'll tell you about it. I met this guy who was an investment banker. He was of Caucasian persuasion.

I don't discriminate, by the way. Anyone can get it. And I do not discriminate, okay? Just so you know. I've been suffering for years. They're all welcome in London. London is open. It's the only London that's welcoming.

The only London that's welcoming. The real London, they'll send you on boats to Rwanda. This London, all the immigrants, they really will. They really will. This London loves immigrants. Essentially, I met this guy, he was an investment banker, white dude, he had a bald head, let's call him Steven. I was chatting with Steven, and I approached him,

because I was hungry for dick, ladies, single ladies, I know you feel me. I went up to him, I was like, hey, flirting with him, what do you do? He said he was an investment banker. I had the best chat up line, right? It's what I said, I said, oh, you're good with numbers, do you want mine?

Boom, done, done, sealed the you're good with numbers. Do you want mine? Boom, done, done. Sealed the deal, sealed the deal. I'll be seeing him in his face in a week, trust me. Now. What did you call it, a chat line? Chat up line. Chat up line? I'm British.

Oh, okay. What do you call that? I think we call it a pickup line over here. Pickup line, right, right, right. Yeah, chat up. Right, right, right. So I said, I got his number. It was cool, we were flirting.

He did that thing where he texted me back immediately. Single ladies, we love that. So I said, I got his number, it was cool, we were flirting, he did that thing where he texted me back immediately, single ladies, we love that. So I was into him, he was like, I'll take you on a date, it'll be a surprise, fucking creamed my vagina, I was ready for the surprise. Okay, I was excited, don't be shocked, ladies do cream their vaginas sometimes. Did you say you're dick-sighted? I was, I was dick-sighted. Oh nice.

But I said I was excited, but I like that you put the dick on. It's all like in her think now. So anyway, he said as a surprise, I'm really dick-sighted. And... I'm ready to go on this date. He pulls up outside my house in a Ferrari. A... you know it, a bright red, gorgeous, sexy, real Ferrari. Not the little keychains, the real one, right? And I'm just like, I've never seen a Ferrari in the flesh. So I'm just like, oh my sexy, real Ferrari, not the little key chains, the real one, right?

And I'm just like, I've never seen a Ferrari in the flesh. So I'm just like, oh my God, this is insane. Is it an Uber? No, it's his, he owns it, right? He weren't renting it, it was his. He picks me up in it. And I don't know if this is a safe space, I feel like I can tell you this,

but like ladies, you know when like, you're in a nice car with a nice guy, and like life is good, the sun is shining, and you just kind of like, pretend you're in a nice car with a nice guy and like life is good the sun is shining and you just kind of like Pretend you're in a music video. Is it just? Yeah. Okay, alright, okay. So I was, I did that, I was in Beyonce and Jay-Z music video, Bonnie and Clyde O'Free and I was there like Oh, need in my life a sin, and me and my boyfriend look for me, I want a man in the middle.

And I was loving it, okay? And I literally was like, this will go down as the best day of my life. We're cruising through London in the summertime, drop top convertible, Jay-Z and Beyonce, okay, white Jay-Z, but still, I still look like Beyonce. We go through all of the traffic, I'm feeling myself, and he still hasn't taken me to my destination.

It's a surprise. We roll up at Hyde Park. Hyde Park is a beautiful park in London. It's like Central Park but without the murders. And I'm sorry, it's true. But Hyde Park was insane and beautiful, and I was like, okay, we're doing picnic vibes. He has like a hamper, a picnic hamper that he takes out,

and inside the hamper is Whole Foods food, guys. Literally. Now I'm a burger McDonald's before. I was a McDonald's 20 chicken nuggets type of girl. Now I'm eating cheese with white girl names like Brie. I was living my best life. So I'm here eating Brie cheese in the park with this dude and we're cute, we're flirting, he's sexy, he's witty.

I'm enjoying everything. And I'm like, this is it, I'm gonna suck his dick, I'm gonna fuck him in the park. Like, this is, he's won, like, Ferrari, great food, full hamper, yes, champagne and the little plastic flutes, life is great, I was ready to, ready to do it. Explain, explain what you just did, though. You guys don't know this, because we're in New York, but back in England, I'm so good at sucking dick, they call me the seagull. Explain what you just did. So, you guys don't know this because we're in New York,

but back in England, I'm so good at sucking dick, they call me the seagull. Caw-caw! Ah-wah, ah-wah, ah-wah, ah-wah. In the States, we sound more like, Caw-caw, caw-caw. Oh, really? Yeah, we pronounce it just a little.

Seagull. Caw-caw, caw-caw. Caw-caw, caw-caw. It's because I swallow it. I feel like that's clear, right? I swallow it, oh, the seagull. I don't have like an animal nickname for how I do sex I think it would be like the sloth. I was about to say for myself

I I was once told that it was like shagging a memory foam mattress. Oh wow You never forget it. That's beautiful. Oh Someone like a comfortable shag and an affordable comfortable shag. Did someone leave you like a Yelp review? You know what's crazy is actually three separate lovers of mine compared me to that, like independently of each other. And I have immediate regret about saying that right now. Okay. As you were.

The imagery of the memory. I know. Because when you press the memory from it, it bounces back. I've got no muscles, all right? You press it, it bounces back. I stay in whatever shape you put me in. You mull. So essentially, I was going to suck and stick in this park, right?

Because it was such an amazing day, but then shit went so left, guys. So he starts sneezing, right? Like proper crazy season. This is before COVID. This is when people just sneeze because they had the cold. And so he was sneezing. It's the summertime. So I thought he had allergies.

And I was like, okay, he's got hay fever or whatever. And he's like, he keeps sneezing. His eyes are watering. So I offer him some Claritin and he takes it, but it doesn't do any difference. He's still watery eyes. And before he was speaking in a deep man voice very much like, hey London, I'm an investment banker, hey hey.

After a while his voice kind of went like this, and he was talking to me like this. And I was like, what is happening to this man? And you know when you just kind of like don't ruin it, because like most guys, guys, when we think we want to fuck you, the whole time we're like, don't say anything stupid, because we're going to fuck you. Don we're like, don't say anything stupid, because we're gonna fuck you. Don't ruin it, don't ruin it, do you know what I mean? So the whole time I'm on this state like, don't ruin it, don't ruin it.

Don't ruin it with your medical emergency. But this is the thing, no, because it kind of gave me, it was giving me the ick, my vagina was starting to get dry, and I was like, why are you sneezing, nose running, crying, and acting like this isn't a problem? He's like, I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm fine. I'm like you're not fucking fine So after a while it got worse and worse and he went pale like really blue cuz white men can go blue sometimes

and they he went blue and He was like not paying attention to anything. I was saying he was swaying and I was like, are you okay? And as I said, are you okay? I shit you not. He vomited all over me and himself and passed out. And I was like, what the fuck? Now let me be very, very clear. The year was 2016, okay? I am a black woman, he is a white man, nearly dead, and we're in a park.

Whatever way you look at it, it doesn't end well for me. Okay? I did not want to be caught with this half dead white man in a park. I knew I would go to, I was like, what's happening? And I didn't know how to revive him. I didn't pay attention in life saving school or whatever. I don't know the, what is it?

The position you put them in? The fucking- Heimlich or CPR. Heimlich or CPR. The only position I know is doggy style. So I literally said to him, I can't help you. I was slapping him, throwing the expensive water on his face. The Fiji water, the good one. And I literally said to him, I can't help you, I was slapping him throwing the expensive water on his face. The Fiji water, the good one. And I wake up wake up.

He eventually woke up dizzy. And I was like, what the fuck is wrong with you? What's happening? Should I take you to the hospital? He was like, No, no, no, you can't you can't. And I'm having a methadone calm down. Yes, guys. Now here's the thing. I am not like a druggy person. The only thing I sniff is Vicks Vaporub. So I didn't know what methadone was. But apparently methadone is a drug that they give like recovering heroin addicts. So like people that do heroin for real are methadone addicts. And this investment banker was a methadone addict

and I didn't know. And so he was having this come down crazy situation and he said I couldn't take him to the hospital because then his work would know and they could fight him. So the only thing I could do was drive his Ferrari home. And so I was like, okay. I've never driven a Ferrari before. And I was like, cool, when in Rome?

So I got this like, I bundled in into the car and I drove, I was supposed to be speeding, but I drove very slow because bitches need to see me in a Ferrari. So I was literally taking the long way around. And it is living my best life. And yeah. You're driving him.

I was driving him. He's in the car. And you're just like snapping selfies and he's covered in vomit. I was in my own music video. I didn't give a shit that the fuck he was in the car. This was now lemonade. Yeah, this is lemonade.

Like, get information. I was like in the car. It was great. Not from him, but it was great. Anyway, I drove him home. He didn't live that far. And he passed out on his bed and I was just waiting because I was like, am I still gonna suck his dick?

I'm not sure. Maybe if he gets better, he's got a ferret. He was sweet. I mean, and he had a really nice house. So I was like, I could stay. I could stay. And he had some drugs that helped him get better. And he got better and nice house, so I was like, I could stay. I could stay. And he had some drugs that helped him get better, and he got better, and he said, thank

you. And then he gave me the equivalent of $350 for a cab home back to my house. I live 10 minutes away, guys. So I took the bus and I bought a pair of shoes. That is my story. Yay! Yeah. That is a wild ride.

Wild ride. It's also amazing how people can't, how amazing, it's also amazing how people can contain that kind of level of addiction where you have no idea, there's no way of knowing it's happening. I have no idea that he, so in between the date he was doing bumps of heroin, I guess, I don't know. Can you do, I guess? I don't know. Can you do bumps of it? I don't know. I'm not a druggy person.

Neither am I. But essentially he was topping himself up in the park. He couldn't top himself up in the park, cause I was there. So he... Audience, do you do bumps of heroin? This crowd wouldn't know. All the heroin people are like, no.

Lights up, get them. We do have police absolutely everywhere. I do just want to warn you. Yeah, I've dated a, I've gone on a date, not dated. I've gone on a date with a very strange man. His name was Wayne, so immediate red flag. We don't know Wayne. No, I'm joking.

But I met him in the cutest way, I don't know if I've, I'm joking. But I met him in the cutest way, I don't know if I've ever told you this story, I met him in the cutest way you could possibly meet someone. My mom was in the hospital, yes, no, no. My mom was in the hospital and I get into the lift and the elevator. Sorry, elevator, elevator. I get into the elevator.

He's American. Thank you. And I. And it's like packed full of people. But then this one incredibly handsome man walks in, and we keep looking at each other, and we keep glancing at each other with a polite smile, English smile, look away. And we're going up and up and up in the elevator. And then we get to his floor, and he gets out.

And I'm a little bit disappointed. I'm like, oh, fuck. And the doors little bit disappointed. I'm like, oh fuck. And the doors start closing and I'm like, oh well. And then suddenly this arm comes shooting through the elevator doors and they burst open and he's holding both the, my tits out, no. And he's holding both the elevator doors open and it's so dramatic and everyone's watching in the lift.

And they're watching all of this and he asked me if I'd like to go downstairs right now with him and have a coffee. And I just think that is the most exciting thing I've ever heard. No one's ever asked me out like that. And everyone's looking at me in anticipation, so I'm like, fuck it, we're gonna get married.

So I say yes, so he gets back down, and we have the smuggest ride down to the cafe, because we're so sure that we're gonna be telling the story at our wedding. We get down there, we have a cup of coffee, everything's nice. He asked me if we can go out together later that night. By the way, the reason he was in the hospital is that his mother was also incredibly sick. Also cute. Okay, cute. Pretty cute. Trauma bonding. So I go to meet up with him that night and he stands me up.

He stands me up. I spend the whole, I've never been stood up before. Mostly because I also just rarely get dates. So I haven't had the opportunity for many people to stand me up. But I get stood up all night and I don't hear from him that night. I don't hear from him the next day.

Please don't let his mom be dead. Please don't let his mom be dead. I don't hear from him for another day. No, no. Three days goes by and I finally get a hear from him that night. I don't hear from him the next day. I don't hear from him for another day. No, no. Three days goes by and I finally get a call from him and he tells me, oh, so casually that he'd had an overdose on his mother who had cancers, methadone.

See what I mean? It's the crisis. It was her morphine, which is like in that same family. It's a pandemic. He stole morphine from a woman, from the woman who gave birth to him. White men must be stopped. He took so much of it that he overdosed on it and wanted to know if I'd like to try again next week. No thank you. For me the scariest part of that story is asking out someone that you just met. Like that gives me a full body panic attack.

That was the worst part of the story for you. Yeah, I was traumatized there. This is what I'm saying, white guys, ladies, be careful. Sometimes they're methadone addicts, you know? They could be amongst us right now. They pretend they're normal. I feel like we should run a phone number at the bottom of the screen.

Like, if you're struggling with addiction, please call this number. There are resources. You can find love. London, high five. What a fucking story. Thank you all. Was there a second date? That's my big question. There was not a fucking second date. I did get a lovely pair of shoes. Some Louboutins. So thank you.

Yeah, but he did meet a nice girl in the hospital a week later. I mean, look at the same guy, same fucking guy. Jesus Christ. All right. Hey, listener, it's Sean Hayes. Do you know when Crystal Pepsi was discontinued or what was in Al Capone's vault? If not, then you haven't spent enough time on Wikipedia. But that's okay because you can learn all about it on the new podcast, Wiki-hole, from

all of us here at Smartless Media. Discover the craziest rabbit holes on Wikipedia with host Darcy Carden and her favorite comedian friends as they bring the cyber frontier directly to your tympanic membrane. And if you listen to Wiki-hole, you learn that's the sciency term for eardrum. Wiki-hole is the wild, wild west of Wikipedia. Starting out on one Wikipedia page, they go from link to link to link to link, careening through trivia, oddities and unexpected connections until everyone wonders, how the hell did we get here?

Follow WikiHole on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. You can listen to WikiHole ad-free by joining Wondery Plus in the Wondery app or on Apple podcasts. Zach, I'm so excited to get to your story now. Do you feel ready? A lot has happened already. You've been attacked several times on this stage. I feel like can we should we have a moment? Let's have a moment. I love you. I love you, too. Thank you so much.

I'm sorry I stopped your story. It's OK. I'm going to do the same to you. Well, I'm you. I love you too. Thank you so much. I'm sorry I stopped your story. It's okay. I'm going to do the same to you. I'm joking. All right. And I encourage you to. No I won't. I welcome it. Zach's story is called, it's a great title, The Twink From Hell. The Twink From hell. Hit me. I'm there. I'm back there now, and I'm just, oh. So after college I moved to Chicago, because I could not afford New York. Okay, we got some Chicago here. And I love Chicago, you know, side tracks, the Bean,

the Great Chicago Fire of 1871. The wind. It had a lot of hits. A lot of hits. But I'm sort of newly out, too. I grew up super religious, so I'm learning my sexuality. And it's my first time asking a guy out, giving him my number. I'm at this breakfast restaurant called Anne Sathers

with my bestie and I order cinnamon rolls and he's the host. And so I think the host is super cute. I'm like, I'm gonna give him my number. I build up my confidence. It's BYO mimosas. I'm getting a little boozy. Yep, London has a quite. This is the exact moment.

You're allowed. What's a twink? No. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Young, hairless, thin, carefree, droidivive, can't spell droidivive. Those are the five requirements to be a twink. Wait, what was the last one? Can't spell droidivive, or can't, yeah. Doesn't matter, how do you spell droidivive?

J-O-I-E space D-E space V-I-V-R-E. Not a twink. Also too old. I, and straight, and a twink. Also, too old. I... Oh! And straight. And a little hairy. Wait, you can't be a straight twink. Oh! That's up for debate.

People call Timothy Chalamet a twink, but it's sort of a very queer term, I think. I get that. Are there any twinks here tonight? Twinkies? Okay. I usually, it's too high pitched. I can't hear it anyway.

It's a twinkless, it's a twinkless night. I'm too old, my ears are sore. It did sound like one smurf-sized person said, me. Yeah, they respond in Mariah Carey's highest tone. Right. Yeah. And a sound only audible to other twinks.

Exactly. It's like a dog whistle. Now you may continue. Thank you. I ask him out, I give him my number. I think I'm going to be like, call me. But I'm like, call me if you want, blah, blah, blah. I fumble it.

But he does text me. And so we go on a first day, we get to a coffee shop. He has candied almonds there, you know, no outside food or drink is allowed in the coffee shop. I got a bad boy here. And so the red flags just are coming. He just moved to Chicago. He played hooky in high school.

He calls his mom every day. He's 19, like red flags everywhere. They look like confetti 22 on rice so Twink and I were on a date. We got a second date with up I see in his notebook. He's written another name of a guy put a lot of hearts around him. I'm like, okay He had a little journal. Hello journal So I'm like, okay, I gotta pull out all the stats. I'm gonna take him to a bar, a hot dog restaurant, that has a bar attached.

Oh, like the secret ones? A secret, yes. What do you have to go through, like a phone booth? I find those so exciting. I know what you're talking about. I'm talking about the Krift dog. Krift, it's Clark dog in Chicago. It's gigantic.

It's very visible. But I know they won't cart him. And I'm like, you want to feel like an adult, let's go to this bar. So I order a beer, he orders a martini. I get another beer, he's another martini. He orders shots. Our nights are going in very different directions.

So I'm like, I'm going to call it a night. And he's like, I'm staying. When you're 19 in a bar, you stay. So I leave, my heart's broken. I go home. I wake up at like 2, 2.30 a..m. To pee and I have four missed voicemails Blah blah blah, he's left me for incoherent voicemails. So I call him like what's going on. He's lost his keys He's locked out of his apartment. He's in his courtyard yelling at his room like friends

He lives alone to let him in his neighbors and I'm like dude you can come to mine you can sleep on my couch he's like it's like fine I'll come and get you I feel a little guilty like I got him in there maybe this is my responsibility yes yeah he was underage yeah oh my god Oh my God. All right, calm down. He was only 21. I'm joking. Go carry over your little twink self.

What? I love it. So I get in a cab. Said the woman who was like throwing Fiji water in the face of a man who's having a medical emergency. The methadone killed him. He died. He died.

Go on, Zach. Go on, Zach. So I get in the cab. I go to pick him up. He's yelling at his neighbors. And I'm like, dude, you can stay at mine, come with me. The cab driver runs away because he can tell like that he's going to vomit in this cab.

So I nearly carry him back to my apartment. It's January, Chicago. I feel like I've attached. It's like the Revenant. It's like the Revenant. It's like the Revenant. Yeah. Exactly.

Oh. There's a bear? It's like yellow Revenant. Revenant. Revenant. Oh. There's a bear? It's like yellow jackets. Yeah. Yeah. It's, yes. So I feel like, and I feel like he has a tattoo that's like, I'm 19.

He helped me get food. I'm just like very self-confident. Yeah, it's very Jeffrey Dahmer. Yeah. I'm Jeffrey Dahmer. Dahmer. I had already had dinner. I wasn't feeling Jeffrey.

Oh, god. But we get back to our apartment, and I'm on the fourth floor. So we're climbing four flights of stairs. I put him on the couch. I toss him a Jeffrey. Oh God. But we get back to our apartment and I'm on the fourth floor. So we're climbing four flights of stairs. I put them on the couch. I toss them a sheet and a pillow. And he's like, I'm gonna use the bathroom. So he goes to use the bathroom.

I hear the shower turn on. Like, oh yeah, it's 2.30 a.m. Take a little late night shower while I have roommates. Okay, do you need any like hygiene products at Hotel Zack? Like, minute goes by, couple minutes, 10 minutes go by, longer than a shower should take. And I'm like, what's going on there? I'm knocking and like, hello?

He doesn't respond. And then I check the knob, he's locked the door. And so I'm like, oh my God, is he drowning in a inch of water? What's going on? At this time, my roommate's been woken up because I'm knocking so loud. I'm like, what should I do?

And I feel like I'm underreacting. So I break down the door. I know. And then I'm like the killer from Psycho. I pull the shower curtain, shower's empty. There's just water and like conditioner bottles and the little window that we only open and to let steam out is open.

The twink is gone. Oh my God. The twink is gone. open, the twink is gone. Oh my God. The twink is gone. So I stick my head out the window and I look down. And on the fire escape, looking up, I can see the whites of the twink's eyes.

He's just frozen in space. And I turned into like a mom, like, get back up here this instant. What are you doing? And I look at my friend. She's like, I think you have to. So I climb down. Because he's not coming. Is that the only way to get in? It's the only way, yes. How high up are you doing? And I look at my friend, she's like, I think you have to, so I climbed down. Cause he's not coming. Is that the only way to get in?

It's the only way, yes. How high up are you? We're 40 feet up the apartment and he's around 20. And when I get down there, I realize why he stopped. The fire escape stops. It doesn't go to the ground. He's trapped. He's stuck.

Beneath us are bags of trash in the alley filled with like razor blades or something. Wait, your fire escape is a trick? It's very dangerous. Wait, wait. Yeah, that's health and safety violence. And then there's a fence at the end of the alley. Like if a fire happened, we all die. Like...

Wait, how... Are you stuck now with the twink in the cold? I'm sitting next to the twink in the cold, yes, and he's crying. He's like, I should have never moved to Chicago. And I'm holding him like, it's okay, it's crying. He's like, I should have never moved to Chicago. And I'm holding him like, it's okay, it's okay. Trying to convince him to climb back up. He won't climb up.

So I'm just holding him up, making sure he doesn't fall. I make my friend go to the neighbors we had at that level. There was a window. I was like, okay, we can get in the window. The neighbors in a radical act of Chicago napriliness do not answer the door. So we're still stuck. And then he just keeps crying. And I realized, oh, you're new to a city. numbers in a radical act of Chicago, Napri, Linus do not answer the door, so we're still stuck and then he just keeps crying and I realize, oh, you're new to a city. This is hard. And then he said, I still think about it to this day. He's

like, just let me go. It'll be easier. And I'm like, oh, my God, this is turning into a Leonardo DiCaprio movie. It is the revenue. It's going basketball diaries now, go on. So I'm like, I yell up to my friend, like, call 911. So the Chicago police department, fire department, and paramedics roll up at 3 AM. An axe chops down the wooden fence. A fireman climbs over the garbage, puts a ladder up.

We're given the choice, climb down or be carried. What did he say? I climb down, he is carried. Yeah. Yeah. Good for him. And we make it to the ground, I'm like, thank God, we're like safe, the paramedics are like talking to us

and they're like, what happened, what happened? And I'm like, oh God, what's he gonna say? And he's like, I had a bad night. And they're like, we can all see. We've all had those. So I let him sleep on my couch, keeping one eye open. I know. They released him to my care.

I still felt responsible. Next morning, he's drinking water in the kitchen. And my roommate comes in, very hot gay man, and says, is just like in the kitchen. And the twink to him goes sup. I saved his life and he hit on my roommate. Oh, and that's that's when I learned you can't like force your fairy tale. Oh, my God. I don't think anyone's very.

Wait, did you did anything happen with him and the roommate? No, no, no. He texted later that day and I haven't spoken to him. Please. Yes. What a cunt! Right? This is why I don't speak to 19 year olds, because they have just got nothing to give society. Truly. Seriously. Oh my, you were 21, he was 19.

Yeah. And what did you learn from that? Oh, I feel like I keep learning the same lessons over and over again in my dating career. But like don't bring an engagement ring to a first date. Like don't force it. Don't like try to fall instantly in love. Let things go. You also don't know the person.

Yeah, really? I feel like when you... You don't know what they're capable of. Do you know what it is? It's because when we're single, I don't know, you guys can't relate. But when you're a single person... Suffering. Any new date,, it's more in your head because you're thinking of the possibilities. You're not seeing the reality in front of you like, no, he's always unemployed.

It's the mirror. It's just the thought of him. When someone shows them who they blah, blah, yeah, you know, believe them. You're like, he's got potential to be all of this beautiful shit. It's like, no, he's unemployed and married. But you don't see that in the beginning. Did you know it just clouds your judgment. So I feel for you. The friend who called 911 is here tonight.

Did I get all the story accurate? Friends. Wait, not the hot roommate. No, no loyal good friend. She's hot, too. Well done for. No, no. The loyal good friend. She's hot too. Well done for calling 911, babe. Well done. I like her.

Bad dates. Bad dates. All right, so Michael, your story does not have to have a motto at the end. Don't worry, no pressure. It should though, because look at how well it went for us. I will try to come up with one, but I... Also, you're married, so you've already been dismissed by 80% of the room.

Oh, 20% you think is still on board? I think so, right? Okay, married people, clap it up! Yes, that is the kind of tepid applause married people have the energy for. Yes, this is our one night out. Alright, so your story is called Groupon. The story is called Groupon, yes, thank you. Sounds like a married story.

Already sounds fucking cool as hell. It sounds... Hold on, we had Ferrari Fiasco, The Swing From Hell, Groupon. You can tell he's married. My God. Where's the fun? So I had just moved in with this girl that I really liked. Her name is Carrie. And I wanted, I really liked her so much and I wanted to impress upon her my masculinity, which was at the time en vogue. And... And...

And so what I did was I bought a Groupon to go skydiving. Oh, wow. What could go wrong? Smiling like heights. I don't know. Yeah, so I like, you know, I buy it and then immediately immediately I'm terrified of it because I'm not a skydiving person. I'm like, who likes chess? I'm like, that's kind of more my thing.

But it had an expiration date, and the day before it was about to expire, my desire to save money overcame my will to live. And so I told her, I was like, I bought this skydiving Group told her, I was like, so I bought this skydiving Groupon, and she was like, oh my God, that's so not like you. And I'm like, no shit.

And so I called the place, I'm like, hey, we want to cash in on this thing or whatever. And then like the only time you can come tomorrow is first thing in the morning. You have to be here at five in the morning, it's the only time that you can die. Because the whole rest of the day is full up. So we drive overnight.

We sleep in the parking lot of a stop and shop. Très romantique. Do you, do you? Fuckin' the, yeah, we do not. For the podcast audience, she was doing the finger fucky thing with her hand. Just so you guys know. And for the audience, he's also now doing it as well.

That's great. And I kind of want to get on there too. We're all. That's nice. We're now all doing it as well. That's great. And I kind of want to get it on there too. We're all... We're now all doing it. We do not smash in the car. I think at that point... By the way, goals of being in a serious committed relationship and still doing big dates. Good for you. Thank you so much for saying that. Thank you so much. Thank you. That means a lot to me. So, where was I? So we're in the parking lot. Okay, so we're in the parking lot of the Savage Shop.

And we get up next morning and we go to the place. And if you've been skydiving before, you will know this, but the first thing they have you do is sign a waiver that basically says, if I die, my bad. Oh wow. And then, at this place, you have to read the waiver out loud into a camera. Oh wow. And then, at this place, you have to read the waiver out loud into a camera. Oh, wow.

So somewhere, there is a video of me for all history saying, I guess I'm paying to kill myself. Oh, wow. And I realize sort of the chasm between me and Carrie in this moment, because she is reading that waiver like Braveheart, like she would be happy to die on this day, and I am sobbing. I'm fully crying.

And she has seen me cry at this point maybe 10 times, and all of them prior to this were me trying to describe to her point-for-point the plot to Miss Saigon, which is beautiful, and sad. Fuck you, it's great. Okay, so we do all that, and then the skydivers come out. And I say the skydivers because when you go skydiving

for the first time, you don't go skydiving. Another guy goes skydiving, and you are baby-bjorned to his chest. Her guy comes out. It's the hottest guy I've ever seen in my life. Bar none. His name is Sean. He is fucking jacked. But not like, you know, some guys, like a little too, you can see the veins and everything,

you're like, whoa, that's too much. This guy is yum yum, two scoops, perfect. His body is so good. I would imagine, does this make sense? I would imagine that he was born with a ribbed penis. Does that make sense? Is that good? Would people like that? Or would they be like, ah, this is-

No, we don't always like that. You don't? No. You're like, ah, it's bumpy. Huh? I don't know. Yeah, we don't always like it. So, oh, the other thing he says is, oh, you know, I'm Sean, bye bye, I've been doing this

for a couple years, I used to be a Navy SEAL, oh, fuck you. Okay. So he's like putting the straps on her or whatever, and like, you know, this one goes here and this one goes here. And I know I'm supposed to be jealous, but I'm like, this is my fantasy. And so then my guy comes out and you can right away see the Groupon kicking it. Right away. You're like, oh, this is where the discount is here. This isn't even part of the story, but his face is covered in burns.

So why? I don't know. Oh no. And it's also smashed in on one side as if, say, I don't know, he had maybe jumped, perhaps, from a high height and landed right on his fucking face. So he only says one sentence to me the entire time, which is, if you touch my hands, we both gonna die.

And I don't know like what race he is, if you touch my hands, we both gonna die. And I don't know like what race he is, but when I find out, I'm gonna be racist against those people. If we touch hands, we're going to die. If you touch my hands, I think he's saying like, yeah, I'm just saying my hands very much to myself. All right, Ian Neeson, keep going. I'm terrified. He said like a typical Wajian man, how dare. So we get on the plane, which is a,

it's not like a plane, like when you think of a plane, you have a particular vision in your mind. This is one of those jobs where like, the guy has to go up front and like do this to the propeller, you know what I mean? It's not, it doesn't even go by itself, he has to like encourage it. He has to be like, come on buddy.

It's like Wright Brothers situation. Exactly, it's a very Orville situation. At what point could you tap out of this? At what point could you say? I don't think at any point. I've like banked my entire relationship. I'm getting to the end of this. So you weren't going to just say I'm good?

Absolutely not. I am going to shiver and cry, but I'm going to do it. Wow. So we get in the plane. The plane starts going. At one point, the radio doesn't work, so the pilot has to pull the radio out of the dashboard. And a child comes on the runway

and gives him a new radio, and they swap it out. A child? A child. I am sitting in what I think is the co-pilot. Okay, so Carrie's in the back, sitting on Sean's lap, living both of our dreams, and I am sitting on the lap of a monster man, where the co-pilot seat would be, but the seat has been torn out, we're sitting on the lap of a monster man where the co-pilot's seat would be, but the seat has been torn out,

we're sitting on the floor, and my feet are touching these pedals that I guess planes have, I don't fucking know. And the pilot's like, oh, that's kinda hard to steer. I'm like, what the? Is it because my feet are touching these? And he's like, oh yeah, you can't touch those.

But what the fuck am I doing here? We get up in the sky. It's when we've reached the appropriate height to die, whatever height that is. Sean gets up with Carrie, and he's talking like quietly, but his masculinity. Wait, Sean is G-I-J? Sean is the hot guy that's over there.

Okay, he's the hot one. Sean says to her, you know, we're gonna walk over to the aperture. I'm gonna count down from three, then we'll both tumble out. And they do exactly that. It's like symbiotic, it's synchronicity, it's gorgeous. And it's called the aperture? Hold on.

The opening, the aperture. The aperture. Okay, okay, wait. I wanna learn new words today. The aperture. Aperture. Aperture. It's an opening.

The aperture opens. No, the aperture, it's already, oh no, no, no, no. The fucking thing is open the whole time. We're up in the thing, the fucking. The edge. The aperture. Aperture's like, okay, I should have said it's a doorway, but there's no door in it. OK. They jump out of the plane.

Can anything be an aperture? What? Can anything be an aperture? Could you call your asshole like, my aperture? I think you could. So apertures just are open. Wait, OK, you're at the aperture. No, I want to know. She's jumped out now already.

She's gone. She and Sean are gone. Why did you say, nah, fuck this shit the aperture. No, I want to know. She's jumped out now already. She's gone. She and Sean are gone. Why didn't you say, nah, fuck this shit? Because she's already gone. What am I going to do? You could have just said, no. I'm already in the plane. Wait, she's going to marry Sean at the bottom if he doesn't go after her.

That's exactly right. The only thing I'm thinking is, Sean's going to have sex with her down there. That's true. I'll get there as fast as I can. He's already in the air. And there's no way I couldn't possibly be mad at her for that. I have to be like, of course. Sean is the kind of guy who could fuck her midair, isn't he?

Absolutely. Absolutely. He's in her aperture already. All in her aperture. All right. All up in her aperture. There we go. Go team.

Yes, you didn't hear the sentence. OK, spell it, me. This is the most mileage I've ever gotten out of the word aperture in my life. No, because this is the first time we'd heard it. OK, so they're gone. My Frankenstein gets to his feet. Frankenstein.

And may I demonstrate? Is that allowed? Yeah. Oh, my god. He is lurching toward the door. For the podcast people, he's doing a Frankenstein walk in midair. I've got you. I've got you. Thank you. It people, he's doing a Frankenstein walk in midair. I've got you, I've got you.

Thank you. It's a very stilted Frankenstein walk. And that is for the first time I realize how much bigger he is than me, because as he's doing this, I'm strapped to his chest and my legs are just dangling. Wait, OK, wait, wait, wait. He's showing, his legs are wobbling. Are you going to be?

Jamila's now joining. Jamila Jamil has now mounted a chair. This is incredible. OK, great. Jamila Jamil's mounted the chair. Incredible visual. has now mounted the chair. This is incredible. Okay, great. Jamila Jamil's mounted the chair. She's pretending to be the aperture. It's like American Gothic for those at home.

What is happening? And then he says nothing, sprints toward the opening. Oh wow. And goes, ah! All the way down. And that is basically the end of this story,

except to say that that woman, Carrie, is now my wife. Hey! Well done. Fuck you, Sean. Fuck you, Sean. Fuck you, Sean. That should have been the name of it. Fuck you, Sean would have been maybe better. No, with Groupon, we didn't know where it was gonna go. Yeah, fuck you, Sean. You should have called it Fuck Who Sean. That should have been the name of it. Fuck Who Sean would have been maybe better.

With Groupon, we didn't know where it was gonna go. Yeah, that's true. But I like the mystery. I do like Groupon. I have been skydiving, by the way, since then, brag. And it was, I only subsequently did I realize how busted the first place, like most skydiving places are like kind of nice.

I mean, it's still scary. Did you shop on Groupon again, or is that your? No, never again. Never a single Groupon, I'm sorry if there are any Group are like kind of nice. I mean, it's still scary. Did you shop on Groupon again, or is that your? No, never again. Never a single Groupon. I'm sorry, if there are any Groupon people here right now. No. They understand. I think they fired everybody.

That's your motto. That's your moral. Yes. That's your motto, see? Never again Groupon. Jammies learn not to use Groupon. It's great. Thank you so much.

Me, however, Groupon, I would love free product if they're listening. I love all brands. Hello Groupon. Love brands. Zach would absolutely love a tooth whitening at a dentist you would never go to. Yes. Uh-huh.

Have you done anything as exciting with your wife since like adrenaline? Yeah, what talks that really? At one point we went white water rafting with my family in Colorado. Okay. And the water or whatever was like especially rough. The guide's like, this is like really tough water.

We were all like, oh yeah, good one. And we're out and it's very smooth. And we are kind of like cracking jokes. We hit a boulder, the boat capsizes. My family's just strewn into the river. And my dad like bashes his knee open, he's like gushing blood. So the woman who's the guide gets up on top of the upside down dinghy or whatever and

is just like, you know, a jungle priestess has no problem navigating it. And they finally pull us out. We're like, you know, bloodied and sad. And my wife comes out and she was like, that was fucking awesome. We're just different. I like her. We're just different. She's an adrenaline junkie. and she was like, that was fucking awesome. Oh, okay. I like her. We're just different.

She's an adrenaline junkie. I think I've learned something from your stories, which is to never go on any kind of excursion with you. Yeah, exactly. You're the common denominator for the disaster. Oh my goodness. Guys, these stories have been fucking amazing. I'm sweating.

Do you have any words of, and you don't have to, but does anyone here have any words of wisdom you would like to impart upon these wonderful dating New Yorkers here tonight before we go? I guess I would say it, as hard as dating is, you know? From your ivory tower of power and privilege. I know. Don't you dare give up. Don't you dare.

Who knows? It could be someone here. It could be a white 19 year old twink, you don't know. You don't know, that's true. Keep your heart open, is all I would say. Stop. He sort of blew a kiss to the amorphous blob of audience. To Jesus Christ.

Yeah, to Jesus Christ. So smug. Smug guy. I don't have any. I mean, it does, to quote the white married man, it does get better, but I kind of enjoying being single. Like, I kind of like the fact that like, there's a new dick in my life every week, you know? I kind of like that, that there's a question mark over my life every week. I kind of like that.

That there's a question mark over my summer. You know what your summers are, I don't. I could be in the streets, I could be in the river, I could be anywhere. I'm very happy. So yeah, I just like the adventure of it all. And life is an adventure. So you're saying enjoy it.

Enjoy your single shit. Enjoy it while you can. Yeah. Before you're in jail, apparently, like us according to London. Well, before you're just tied down to the same old moldy dick that don't give head for. You are friends with my boyfriend.

Not you. Not James Blake's dick. I'm sure it is amazing. I'm talking about the future. My mom said this to me. My mom's 70 and she asked me if I was having enough sex. And I was like shocked at that. But she was like, I was having enough sex. And I was like shocked at that. But she was like, are you having enough sex?

And I was like, yes, mom, I really am. I'm living my best life. I could write a book on it. And she literally was like, okay, that's good because no one tells you that it slows down when you get older. And she said she wishes she had more sex in her 20s because apparently men's libidos, they go down, but women's go up. So you don't want to be 85 and dilly-dallying yourself

off to artificial intelligence, okay? So all I'm saying is, just enjoy it and fuck while you still can, okay ladies? Thank you. Beautiful, absolutely beautiful. Zach, any words? I don't know. I hope everyone knows that they're a full and unique

and whole person by themselves. That sort of no other person is going to, you might find different people to compliment you. Also, nothing is forever. I know people say like, we're gonna be together forever. There is no forever. We all die. Why are you looking at me? I'm just saying.

Your relationship's come and go. That's so rude. People. Why are you coming for me like that? You found the one for now. Why are you coming for Jam? Yeah. So.

Why are you doing that? You'll be back in this. That's so rude. Is it? Why are you coming for the? So live in the moment. Why are you coming for Jam's relationship? No, not yours.

That one lasts forever. Zach, your thing started so inspirational. Really took a turn. All right, guys, where can everyone find your work? London, where can people find you? OK, so you can find my Netflix special on Netflix. Thank you. It's produced by Kevin Hart. It's called To Catch a Dick.

It will be your best ever special you've ever seen. I'm very proud of it. But I also have a book coming out September 5th in all UK and US bookstores. So it's called, Living My Best Life, Han, Following Your Dreams is no joke. So yeah, buy that and watch my special. Yay!

Thank you. And Zach, where can we find you? After you pre-order London's book, please buy my new book. It comes out, it's out now. Yeah. And I hope you love it. But tell us the amazing title. It's a long title.

It's called, Is It Hot In Here Or Am I Suffering For All Eternity For The Sins I Committed On Earth? Oh my god! Oh my god! It's a bunch of essays, humor pieces about religion, hell, dating, the story of the Twink on the Firescape is inside of it. Amazing.

Available now across the world. Yes, can't wait. Cannot wait for that book. Thank you. Thank you. Go on, babe. And you can find me at the Minetta Lane Theater. I'm doing a one person show called Sorry for Your Loss,

produced by Audible, heard of it. And I also have a podcast called A Good Cry that I hope you will check out wherever you listen to podcasts. And I love you. Woo hoo! Michael, you're a dream. You're a dream.

Guys, you've all been absolutely incredible. Wait, wait, wait, no. Can we make some noise for Jamila Jamil on hosting her first ever Dainty Podcast, Bad Day Like a Bad Bitch. Love this. I love you. Congratulations, Queen.

Have you seen our billboard in Times Square? It's fucking massive. Go see our billboard. It's by American Eagle. Thank you, London. I love you very much. No worries. Oh my God.

This has been unhinged, but it's been the fucking best. I love all of you so much. I'm so excited for all the work you have coming out. Thank you for coming here to support this. And thank you to the audience for being so fucking fun. Whoo! Let's party.

All right, good luck out there. Stay safe. Bye, guys. Use protection. Bye! Whoo-hoo! Bye! CHEERING Bad Dates is produced by Smartless Media and Wondery. Thank you. Talent producer is Anne Harris. Associate producer is Maddie McCann. Music by Kushy and Evan Schletter. Executive producers are Will Arnett, Jason Bateman and Sean Hayes. Executive producers for Smartlist Media are Richard Coulson and Bernie Kaminsky.

If you've had a bad date and you'd like to tell us all about it, our number is 984-265-3283 and our email is baddatespod at gmail.com. We can't wait to hear all about it. That's all for this week. We will see you next time for more Bad Dates. Mia