Bad Dates with Jameela Jamil - Slut For A Souvenir (w/ Daniel Webb, Zoe Chao, and Olivia DeLaurentis)

Episode Date: October 28, 2024

On a new episode of Bad Dates, host Joel Kim Booster welcomes Daniel Webb, Zoe Chao, and Olivia DeLaurentis to discuss their most iconic dating fiascos. Daniel’s amuse-bouche is larger than expected, and his main course is tainted by a medieval bird, Zoe’s rendezvous comes with construction paper, a recorder, and a Ginger King, and Olivia’s date is that rare case of “oops, all villains!”  If you’ve had a bad date you’d like to tell us about, our number is 984-265-3283, and our email is [e-mail], we can’t wait to hear all about it! Subscribe to our YouTube Channel for video clips. Joel Kim Booster: Psychosexual, Fire Island, Loot Season 2Daniel Webb: @thedanielwebb on socials, tickets for tour with Margaret Cho at TheDanielWebb.comZoe Chao: New movie Nightbitch out in December, new series Creature CommandosOlivia DeLaurentis: @ocdelaurentis on Insta, @SydAndOlivia on YouTube Subscribe to SiriusXM Podcasts+ on Apple Podcasts to listen to ad-free new episodes.

Smart. Less. Me. Young. Olivia, I don't, you look very young, Olivia, to me. I don't know, I don't know, Daniel, how old you are either. That's so nice. I gotta say, you could not pay me to go back to my 20s.

My 30s have been exponentially better. Same. In every way imaginable. I'm so excited for my 20s. I'm fucking kidding. I'm so excited for my 20s. I'm fucking kidding. I'm fucking kidding. I'm fucking kidding. Kick her out. Kick her out of the zoom. Bye. Get her out of here. No, I'm fucking joking. I'm doing a bit.

So I just turned 14. Her dating story is very sweet. It takes place at a Sabaro in the mall. Hello, hello, hello, and welcome to another episode of Bad Dates. I am your host, Joel Kim Booster, once again, back to bring you more stories from the trenches of dating and hooking up and love and life. Really. We cover it all here at this podcast. So as always, I'm going to start off with a little bit of listener mail. This one is from Meredith. Bad dates. I recently reconnected with an ex boyfriend of mine after we'd been broken up for two and a half years. We've been on a couple of dates and I thought we had a great time, but nothing physical

has happened between us yet. We had a plan to meet again last week, but the day before he texted me that he forgot he was going on vacation and can't make it. Personally, I've never forgotten that I was going on vacation. I feel like it's pretty early to be already throwing around some weird lies and excuses. I'm tempted to just ghost and cut my losses, but should I give him a chance to explain and bring me back a souvenir? Well, Meredith, this is another episode of our straight man, OK, because you're completely correct in your assertion that no one forgets that they're going on vacation. Certainly not before.

Like, it's just not it's not a thing. He's lying. And I don't know why. I don he's lying and I don't know why I don't know why I don't know why he's lying to you I you mentioned that you haven't been physical yet I wonder if that you know is you know famously a barrier to a lot of straight men for um treating women kindly so uh I wonder if that might have something to do with it you know him better than I do Meredith so you included it in the email for a reason. So I would say trust your gut on that one. And I am going to say, in this case, ghosting is fine.

I would be curious to see if he reaches out at post vacation. And maybe if he does, you hear him out. But ultimately, I don't think you should be chasing this man across the globe, it appears. That's my advice to you. I would say take a couple steps back. You've been through this before. And that's that. So that's my advice. But we have some other people here that might have some other advice for you.

I am, of course, not a woman, a cis woman, and neither is this first guest that I'm introducing. One of the funniest people I know. He's a comedian, writer and musician who has appeared on Netflix, NBC and Comedy Central and the cohost of the podcast, What We Thought Would Happen. Please give it up for Daniel Webb. Hi, Daniel. Hey. Hi, Joel. Good to see you.

Thanks for having me. Good to see you. Good to see you. This next actual woman who we will be hearing from is an actress and a writer from the after party, Party Down, and the upcoming movie Night Bitch. Please give it up for Zoe Chow. Hi Zoe. Hi, hi Joe.

Zoe and I also share a sister in Poppy Lou, former guest of the pod Poppy Lou. You can check her out being sisters with Poppy Lou on the after party. You cannot check out me and Poppy being twins on Sunnyside, the famously pulled and canceled NBC show that is now nowhere to be found on the web. You can find a super cut of just me and Poppy Seeds

on YouTube and that's that. And last but certainly not least, we have Olivia De Laurentiis from Cora Bora with Meg Stalter pivoting on Fox and half of the internet comedy duo at Sid and Olivia and co-host of the podcast Sid and Olivia Talk Shit. It's Olivia De Laurentiis. Hi, Olivia. Hi, everyone. Welcome to the pod. Welcome to the pod. All right. So what do we think about Meredith's little predicament here?

Ladies, I'll start with you. I want to I want to get the female opinion on this. Do you have you ever had a man forget a vacation on you? And does this seem suspicious to you at all? Oh, it's a hard pass. It's a hard pass. I'm with Olivia. Meredith, just keep going.

Don't look back. Hard pass, pass, immediate pass, super pass. Yeah, no. Vacations are great. Why would you forget? You're not gonna, you know. Yeah. No. You're looking forward to a vacation all year long, baby.

Especially in this economy. Exactly, say it. Yeah, in this economy, you're panicking about the cost of the vacation. Exactly. You're not forgetting. Totally. I'm also just disturbed by how bad that lie is. You know? Yeah.

Like come up with something better. Respect me enough to have a better lie prepared when you're going to like cancel plans. Like, yeah, that don't insult my intelligence. It's a lazy lie. It's a last minute panic lie. It's a lazy lie. Lazy lie.

If you're going to do something bad, do it well. Yes, exactly that. Daniel, what do you think of the theater of this lie? I mean, I think she's said it in the text. She's gonna play the player and she's gonna be a slut for a souvenir like me. Ah. Ah.

He sounds like the type that would steal a culturally significant artifact from a museum or something. It's true, that is always her. He's one of the people who's like stealing those Hawaiian rocks that they keep asking people not to steal. He's a colonizer. Yeah, for sure.

This guy's giving huge colonizer energy. Exactly. Bad Dates Bad Dates This gentleman, he has both a quick amuse-bouche story at the top, a hookup story, I'm told. And then we will be going into a dating story because hookups count here. Otherwise I would not be qualified to be speaking on this mic because I'm not a dater. I've never been a dater.

So I got on the elevator in the hotel, I was saying, and this guy was already in the elevator, so we just stood there and he did the bro nod, right? He did the like, the that. And so I- Listeners, this is not a visual medium, but everyone at home listening knows exactly what you just did. Yeah.

And so unfortunately, I'm from Texas, so I revert back to my like, don't let him know, you know what I mean? I bro-code back as humiliating and non-convincing as that might be, so I nod back, right? And then as the elevator door's open for him to leave, he literally says, he goes, room 805, 10 minutes. And then the door's closed, and I'm still on the elevator, I'm going up to my room, and then my horny inebriated ass

is like, yeah, let's do it. So I grab my poppers and I go, I wait, I'm standing at my door for nine minutes. That's the time that I go. Go down to his room, he answers the door, he's hot. He's shirtless, he's just in like shorts and stuff like that, dark room, which I'm into but also is very suspicious.

And so we just, I'm a busy but also is very suspicious. And so we just, I'm a busy man, so I just get straight to business. So I'm like down on my knees and all of a sudden I hear this like, and like he is taking his shorts off and I look up and he has this like medical, not diaper, but like medical underwear on. And when he velcros it in the front,

he presents the hugest set of balls, like inflamed, elephantitis, like watermelon, watermelon testicles that the velcroed underwear were damning up. Essentially. Yes. You got to warn a person about this. Thank you.

That is exactly what I said. That's the headline. Oh my God. I'm not a size queen. I'm not anything like that. But you got to give some people heads up if there's a curve ball or in this case, two of them. But like there, and then he had like a normal dick, right?

Like a lovely, lovely penis. But on top of these two mammoth melons, it looked weird and minuscule and strange. And so I didn't know what to do, mainly cause he didn't give me a heads up, right? It was like, oh, what am I gonna, do I unwrap these? Do I paw, what do I do? Do I juggle them?

Do I, like, so I- I would be concerned that it would hurt to even like mess with them. He was totally acted like nothing was unusual about this. Nothing, not the Velcro, not the swollen tight skin of the testicles, like- Oh my God. Yes, I thought I was in the middle of a medical emergency

and he was acting like it was just Saturday night, right? So- Oh no. I blew him, but it was like blowing up. Oh, my God. I can't. You know what I mean? You felt the ball way before you were like, you were like titty fucking him like you were like motorboating him at the same time as you were blowing him. Well, I could hear the kickback. You know, when you're you know, when you're performing in a large space and you can hear the kickback of your voice, it was like that.

You hear a cock, cock, cock, cock was like that, you hear a kakakaka. So I fucked with it for a little bit and then I literally, I kind of like sat back and he got on Grindr's like, we need to get some more guys in here and that's why rule number one is never let them come to your room, always go to their room so you can leave. So I was like-

I'm taking notes. I totally said, I was like, that's not really my scene even though it is, and left. Cause I was like, I don't wanna get was like, that's not really my scene, even though it is, and left, cause I was like, I don't want to get into a group situation, which it would have been, but I like, I just had to bow out cause I didn't know. Did you ever find out Daniel what happened,

like what was happening to his balls? Was this temporary or permanent or what? Yeah. I think it was a very like Willy Wonka situation, like violent, like he, violent, like chewed the gum and his balls kept swelling. And then he, you know, like, I think I left and they just kept getting bigger. That's what I assumed.

Oh my goodness. And he needed to be escorted out. He was like, this is my last night on earth. I'm going to be at the undying beach. What if you just had the, I would have stuck around just to see the load attached to those balls, because what if it was just like a fire a fire hose situation like just blowing you backwards?

They deflate and then they get normal size. Yeah. It's like what they just got it. He just got excited. Was this during no nut November? Was this like at the end? Yeah. The end of November. We spent so much time on these big, the end of November. This is the very end, yeah. We spent so much time on these big balls.

We gotta get to the dating story now, Daniel. We have to hear about the date. Okay, so I'll be brief on this one, since I took so much, I love the ball, it's stuck up all the time. I did, I actually went on a date with a dude. This was old school too, this is, and he was hot, he was smoking,

we went to the falderall of getting drinks and like dinner. And then I didn't eat, but we went back to his place and when we pulled up, he goes, oh shit, my roommate's here. I was like, roommate, that sounds either really hot or really awful. And so we go in and his female roommate, no diss, was there and she was such a fag hag that she, I could say that, she was such a fag hag,

she was just elated to meet like another gay man, right? And this is like two in the morning, three in the morning, so we've all been drinking wherever she had been. And so she's just like thrilled. She's like show tuning and she's like, you love Tori Amos, I love Tori Amos. And like, you know, and I'm chatty, so I can't help but participate in the conversation,

even though all I want to do is like, fuck a roommate. And he's sitting there not really doing anything about it. And then more time goes on, more time goes on. She finds a bottle of wine, let's keep drinking. And it's like, no, so I didn't drink anything because I was trying to insinuate that, you know, we're going to go to bed. So she drank like all of it.

And it's like me and the dude are just staring at each other. Like, when is this gonna end? And she's- That's the difference between a fag hag and a real ally is a fag hag will do this. A fag hag will cock block you because she's in the presence of a new gay man. A real ally, a real girl that has like real,

like down with gay friends, she knows what's up. She knows what y'all wanna do. And she says, I will be experiencing Shonda land in my room alone on my laptop. You guys go to town on each other. Okay. Right. So she was in, and the saddest part was

she was having the time of her life. And there's nothing sadder than watching someone have a great time when everybody else wants them to leave. That's the saddest place in the world. And she was just eating it up. So finally I'm like, I'm gonna go to bed and you can wake me up when she's done. So I go in his room and just lay down and then pass out.

And then the next, I wake up and he's in there, right? And he's like, she finally went to bed. I'm like, yes, it's on. And so we're in his room, but now that we're in his room, I, and the lights are on now that he's like, she finally went to bed. I'm like, yes, it's on. And so we're in his room, but now that we're in his room, and the lights are on now that he's there, I notice that he has a parakeet, right? Like the little bird. Not a bird person, not a bird person.

So scary. He lets it out, cause now he's home. And it has some fucking dumb medieval name, like D'Artagnan or like Camelot some bullshit and it's it's on his finger and it's on me and he's like making out with me while the bird is biting my ear. No. He thinks it's adorable and I think it's disgusting and it's a it's a bigger cock block than his roommate. Um.

Yeah I gotta say birds during foreplay no thank you. It's a big no. It was too bee-steal. It was very bee-steal. No only during regular sex. Yeah. Not foreplay. Yeah. It's a big no. It was to be steel. It was very beast steel. No, only during regular sex. Not for a dog. Yeah.

Totally. It's like I have a dog and when I'm fucking, he waits in the car. You know what I mean? There are no animal business. But so yeah, finally the bird of course shit on the bed and which was my job, right? That's what I'm supposed to do.

I once met a bird that I think could smell I once met a bird that I think could smell that I had my period and was psychotic. Like really... It wasn't a goose, right? No, it was like a regular bird. I wouldn't put it past a goose, but this was like a smaller bird that had big energy and it was, it felt like, it was really scary. Like it was so small and we were such big humans

but we couldn't keep the bird away from me. Was this a bird in the wild or was this a bird, a pet bird? Oh. This was a bird of an ex-boyfriend's aunt. Okay. I'm gonna say this. I feel like, I'm so glad you said that this was a pet bird, because if this was a bird in the wild,

and I found out just today that this is a common occurrence that women experience on their periods, was just walking through a park and having birds attack them. I would be like, why is this not being out? You can't go to the park this week. It's like, get on a fucking, like, a IUD or something to get.

Women can't go outside because birds are attacking them. I mean the birds by Hitchcock. I mean it feels very- You know that movie's about, it's about a bunch of women on their periods. On the rag. Tippi on the rag, yeah. Tippi Hedren was just menstruating like a motherfucker. Next, she already has given us a peek into her dating past. We know a little bit.

We know you've had boyfriends, Zoe Chao, but where in your past is this story taking place? Okay. It's sophomore year, college. Okay. 2006. Wow. We are two years into Facebook. This is my Mandy Moore era. We're about twice a week.

People would stop me and go, you look just like Mandy Moore. I'm seeing it now. I am seeing it now. I am seeing it now. It was weird though, because, you know, Mandy's not Asian. No, that's true. I was like, okay, I will take this and run. And I thought as a joke, I would put...

A point of order though, Zoe. We have never seen Mandy Moore's 23 and Me, okay? We don't know what's going on genetically inside of Mandy Moore. This is true, Joel. This is true. There could be a lot of... This is such a good point. There could be a story there that we...

Maybe we're actually discovering something about Mandy that she doesn't even know. Mandy Moore than meets the eyes. Yeah. Mandy Moore than meets the eyes. Title of that right there. That's amazing. I would watch it. I would watch it. I would watch it.

Well, I thought as a joke, I would put on my Facebook profile picture, a picture of her that looked a lot like me, but then it backfired and people were like, you have never looked better. You are great. No. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You hate to see that. No. You don't like that. I know it really, it wasn't great. Okay, so. I hate that. So it's 2006. I'm in an all-women's acapella group

called the Chattertacks. Iconic. Hell yeah. She's doing a lot of theater. She is in a Monde West African dance troupe. She's an art history major. She's a really artsy girl. Okay, so one day, I go to my campus mailbox and I received this like elaborate card that's made out of like

a lot of different colored construction paper. And I open it up and this like these flower, paper flowers pop up. And then there's this little baggie of paper petals with instructions to scatter the petals on the flower landscape. And then there is this note that says, will you go on a date with me? And it's yes in big letters, no, maybe in medium letters, and then no in really small letters. And it says like a time and place signed John Smith. Okay. Okay.

The John Smith. The John Smith. Of Lord. John Snow. John Smith. And yeah, I've never met a John Smith. I have no idea who this guy is. And didn't include any photos or anything like that. Just this hobby lobby puzzle that he created for you. Yes, this like labor intensive, you know, craft event.

Yes. Why even include maybe? That's my big question. Why include maybe as an option at all? Like it does feel like at that point. That's such a good point. Right. You gotta go with just the yes or the no.

Well, unless maybe gets you more information. That's true, that's true. If it's like click here for like more info as to who I am, I would click maybe. He's trying to be too cute about the whole thing. Like it's not like maybe he's too cute, the construction paper is too, like he's gay or a Wes Anderson character, like it's one or both.

So I, you know, I take this card back with the pedals and the, you know, the baggy and the instructions. And I take it back to my roommates and I'm like, and they're like, oh my God, John Smith. He is so hot. He's the head of the, he's captain of the football team. You didn't know. And I'm like, I my God, John Smith. He is so hot. He's the head of the, he's captain of the football team. You didn't know. And I'm like, I've never met this person.

And they're like, well, he clearly knows you and he's hot. And he made this really cute card go on the date, Zoe. And I'm still just like hung up on like, I just think it's too much work went into the card. We're in college. Where did he find construction paper and glue? I don't know. You know, it's just like football and crafts.

And that's a guy that could ask you out and you'd just say yes, most likely. Like that's a guy I don't think who has to do the construction paper thing, which is why I smell a catfish. You know what I mean? Like, so I don't know. Right.

Norman do not have an exacto. I'm also very paranoid. I'm also very paranoid and very neurotic. Well, great. Okay, we're on the same page. It was just helpful. Nobody else was on the same page. God damn it.

So I circled maybe on the answer card and I sent the letter back. Anyway, I show up to the French house where he's told me to go. There's Dashing John. He's in a preppy button down. Looks like he's getting ready for an away game. I say, hello, John. He says, hi, Zoe.

Let me take you out back. And he is right, which is crazy language to use in this situation. He takes me out back. You know, we're on this beautiful college campus house. It's this verdant like garden in the back and this long table that has been dressed and two plates and settings

on the ends of this long banquet table that is out in this garden. And cannibal, cannibal shit? I mean, it's giving. So he just, just for me to sit at one side of the table, you know, there's a plate and on that plate, standing vertically is a recorder. The flute adjacent instrument. It's on every every part of his ideas. He really stagnated like somewhere around the third grade, right? Like he's like, why is this a kind of Montessori bullshit date?

Is he like putting on for you right now? Like that is so weird. Okay, exactly. And I just, I, as it's going further into this day, I'm knowing less and less about this person. Like I, it's making less and less sense as to why I am there. So he pulls out this chair, I sit down, the recorder wobbles.

I ask, John, is this a recorder? He says, yes, Zoe, why don't you give it a toot? Ew. And I say, a toot? And he says, a toot? And he says, a toot. He goes and sits down at the other end of the table and waits for me to give the recorder a toot. Oh my God.

Now, at this point, I'm really scared. I am getting scared. We're in college. He's a known entity, sure. But I really don't understand what the rules are of this, this date. But I put the recorder to my mouth and I give it a blow. And then out comes behind a bush, a very buff, redheaded man dressed in a tuxedo, holding like a silver bucket with ice and champagne. And he comes over to me and John explains

that this is one of his teammates. Okay, the guy doesn't speak a word. He's like really committed to like the silent waiter. He pours me champagne. I think this is the first time I'm ever drinking champagne in my life. I'm also allergic to alcohol. So like I'm immediately start getting red.

I'm like, I get red, itchy. You know, it's hard to know what is the alcohol and what's actually the date. So we're sitting at the opposing ends of these table and I'm drinking this bubbly shit and I'm like, okay, what's your major? Where are you from? Like, what, what'd you eat today? And he, he goes, why don't you give the recorder another blow?

Oh my God, not another blow. Another two. And then the ginger King comes like back out this time with chocolate covered strawberries on a silver platter. And he says that they had made them the night before. Or he had made them the night before. And... No, he and the teammate were up late.

I know. And I guess this is... As I'm telling this story to you, I guess it is becoming clear. But I just didn't understand. I finally said, hey, John, why am I here? And it turns out that he had been, he had gone to an acapella concert. Oh wow. He had seen the chatter talks. And he had seen me sing a very tinny version

of Hideaway's What Is Love? What is love? Great song. Oh, I love that. Yeah, great song. That's iconic. A banger. And I think that that's what happened. He saw me sing the song and he's like, she shall be my young wife and I shall court her.

And so then I was like, okay, acapella is why we're here. What next, John? And he goes, now would you like to take some pictures? Oh. And- No. What? Then his teammate comes back out with a camera.

Oh my God. And we pose in front of the garden. And take photos as a camera. Oh my god, this is so weird. And we pose in front of the garden and take photos as a couple. And then he says, I'll email you these pictures. We talk a little bit more. And then I go back to my dorm room. And a week later, I get the pictures. And other stuff happens after that's also very weird, but I feel like I've taken up a lot of time. But all I'll say is like a year later, my parents, I go home for the weekend, and I've received a package from John Smith. And in the package is a vintage glass ashtray and a vintage album from the musical Hair. He is not beating the allegations here, Zoe.

I mean, this fucking gay Unabomber, like. Bad beats. Bad beats. Bad beats. Bad beats. Bad beats. Bad beats. Bad beats. Bad beats. gay Unabomber. And finally, we have Olivia De Laurentiis. Okay, so I found this guy on Tinder. He was shocker, older, but he was just like, I don't know, I think one of my biggest problems is like, I have trouble staying interested when people are too normal, you know what I mean?

Like if someone's got a vibe that's like super normal, super trad, super just like not that like interesting, I'm just like, I don't know, there's so many people, I don't know how to like differentiate. I like something to, I don't know, there's so many people. I don't know how to like differentiate. I like something to, yeah, something interesting, you know? Something weird. And so I went on this date with this guy and I was just like, I already know this is not it.

Like, I don't know why I'm here. And I think those are, it's a great way to start a date. Like I'm entering Laurel Tavern. I don't know why I'm here. I shouldn't be doing this. How much older are we talking, Olivia? Is this like start a discourse on Twitter older or is this like a couple years older?

Now what a great question. Now what a great question. So I, at the time, I just turned 23 and he was 37. So not horrendous, but there's something there. Definitely different stages. Yeah. Definitely different stages in life. So another thing that's an interesting part of the story is that my best friend and I are codependent. We do everything together. We are a writing duo where we are all over each other's social

media. And I have a, I'm really good at getting strong armed into things on dates that I don't know if I want to do. So as an insurance policy, right, we developed this system where if one of us is going on a date and we're like, I don't know about this, the other person will show up in the same location. This isn't for good dates. This is for dates where you're like, I have a feeling this might go bad. So you show up in the same location and just make sure everyone's safe, everyone's having a good time and there can be like an emergency out if need be.

But because we're all over each other's social media, if you've seen my face, you have seen her face. So we play with an element of disguise, right? And the thing about this story that's really good is that there's only four characters and everyone is the bad guy, including myself. So we realized as we were going on doing this, that if you show up in a wig to your friend's date, right? And we called it wigging. This was just a thing we did for ourselves. Even if the outfit is fucking insane,

the person you're on a date with is never gonna guess that that person in the wig is there to watch your date. They're just gonna think, oh, there's a crazy person in the bar. So it's great. You can go ham. You can wear whatever the fuck you want. And people don't notice. Like people don't guess what's, like they'll notice you, but they won't

guess that you're with the person they're on a date with, making sure that nothing bad happens. Right. They're just seeing a baby drag queen in the corner and going on with their day. 100%. So my friend said he's on call to wig with our other friend. I show up, the guy immediately, immediately we sit down and he's got like a, like, he's just like, there's nothing wrong with being small and having a high voice, but he is both these things. And he's just like immediately being like, oh wow, look at your boobs. And I'm like, okay, that's a crazy thing to start with.

He also said that he lied about his age and he hopes that's okay. He's actually 47. Wow. Ooh, a decade off. Yeah, so I send the text. Let's go. I'm like, okay, what's like an appropriate amount of time I can be here on this date before I leave?

I don't know, I'm a real pushover. I gotta work on that. So they show up to the bar while he's just like pretty much talking the whole time, which is hard to do when you're in a room with me because I talk a lot. And they show up in all white denim, full, like spiked vests and spiked wigs,

like they're in, it's like immediately jumping the shark. It's immediately jumping the shark. It's immediately jumping the shark and there's no way these people would be real coming into a bar. So they sit at a two top literally right next to us and she can tell I'm having a bad time. So they start speaking in like really bad, loud British accents.

Once again, just way too broad. Yeah. The guy's not like, he's not going like, are these your friends? He's just going like, oh, there's some, there's some lunatics sitting next to us. So, and there are two people or just your friends? There's two people.

There's two people and they- Two friends. Yeah, and so basically like, it's gotten to this point I'm like, I shouldn't be here in the first place. The guy's 47, he keeps talking about my boobs, which I just feel like is crazy. It's crazy to keep bringing up, look at your boobs, they're here.

And it's like, yeah, I don't know. That's like, save it for the second date at least. Yeah, at least like, or the end of the date, like with Milo standards, even just the end of the date. I don't know, even just not, even just not at all. So then- Probably that. Yeah, I even just not at all. So then- Probably that.

Yeah, I would pitch not at all. So- You said he was short, so maybe that's all he could see. You know what I mean? That's such a good point. That is such a good point. Yeah, that's so fair. So they're screaming, they're getting a divorce next to us.

They're arguing about random shit. They're just saying shit, I think to make me laugh because they can tell I'm having a bad time. He's like, can we move tables? Because these people are really loud. And I was like, oh yeah, totally, sure. We move tables. And I move us to a two-top

with another open two-top next to it. And then, of course, they move with us. And so yeah, so I'm just kind of like, I'm kind of going like, can I salvage a good conversation with this person? Like, is this going to be possible? And the other topic he wants to bring up is how annoying he keeps being like, complaining essentially about his teenage daughter. And about how she's going, he's like, oh, she just keeps being all suicidal. And it's like, she's in another state

and I'm out here working. And I'm like, wait, you're in another state on a date with me and your teenage daughter is saying she's suicidal because now I feel very justified in what I'm doing. You're mad, you're just like very mad. You can see why the daughter might be in a dark mental head space. Oh my God what I'm doing. Like, you're mad. You're just like, very mad. You can see why the daughter might be in a dark mental headspace.

Oh my god. I am now. I am now. Yeah, 100%. So then my friends start screaming. They're screaming at each other. My friends kept screaming, I have mouth herpes on me bum in a British accent, just to make me laugh. I don't know. It was great.

Also, the other people at Laurel Tavern didn't really care, which is good. It wasn't like it was a huge public nuisance. It was just kind of like a direct nuisance. Yeah. Yeah. So then eventually they get up and leave in an Uber. It's like the end of the night. He keeps buying me drinks. He's bought me a lot of drinks also this whole time. This guy's great. It's a great guy. Everyone in the story is a good guy.

They get in an Uber, they finally leave. And he turns to me and he goes like, oh my God, those people were insane. Those people were fucking crazy. And I say the most sociopathic thing I've ever said, which is what people I have no idea what you're talking about. And then I get up and I get into an Uber with them and then I leave. And then I did search his Instagram to find his daughter, and can anyone guess the punchline? Did you reach out?

Oh, does she look like you? Does she look exactly like you? Boom, boom! Oh no! She looked exactly like me, so yes, that's awesome. Yeah. Okay, so Olivia, I gotta ask, I was waiting until the end of the story to ask,

I don't quite understand wigging and I don't understand how it's helpful. I was waiting. It's helpful because like, what if I was there alone? Sure, but why not have them be more active in getting you out of this situation is my question. Fair, fair, fair. It's because it sounds like they were just being.

They have. A brain sink. They were just being loud at us. Yeah. But I don't know, like that's kinda my shit. It's cause it sounds like they were just being They have. Abrasive. They were just being loud at us. Yeah. But I don't know, like that's kinda my shit. Okay. Like maybe the point is I love it. It's very 23 year old,

it's very 23 year old. Yes, well then that's the thing. Let's just say that. That's the thing is it's like, it's like I'm 28 now, I don't know how, what to do now. Yeah, what's the plan? Like I can't do that now.

Oh, there is none. I can't do that now. So. Oh, if you're on a bad date, just start talking about your now. Oh, there is none. I can't do that now. So- Oh, if you're on a bad date, just start talking about your suicidal daughter. That guy'll run. Yeah. Oh my God, that's actually exactly what I should do.

That's like perfect. Say you have a 47 year old daughter and you're worried about her being suicidal. That's the new wigging for you. That is wigging. That's the new wigging. Bad dates. This is a really good day for us on the pod,

I have to say. Three incredible stories from all three of you. I mean four technically if we were counting big balls from Daniel. We gotta count it. You guys, thank you so, so, so much for joining us. Daniel, where can people find you? What are you doing these days?

What do you want people to know? Oh sorry, that's my rooster clock. It's an egg shaped like, anyway. Oh my God. My website and everything is, and my Instagram everything is at the Daniel Webb. You can find me, I'm in LA, I'm doing shows, I'm on tour, you can see all my dates.

I'm opening for Margaret Cho. Woo! In November. And listeners, I want to point out that it's Daniel Webb with 2Bs, correct? That's 2, correct, yeah, W-A-B-B. That's it. Great, great, great, great. Check him out.

Thank you, thank you. Like I said, funniest person alive. Zoe Chao, where can people find you? What are you doing these days? Okay, you can find me in f***ing Brooklyn. Oh wow, that's a lot of info. That's maybe too much info. We'll believe it. We'll believe it. We'll leave Brooklyn. We'll leave Brooklyn.

But we'll believe this specific game. I appreciate it. Yeah. Check out NightBitch. It's coming out in December. Ooh yeah. I'm so excited. Me too. Amy. Amy Adams. She does it again. Let's see. I have this DC, this new,

James Gunn has a new animated TV show called Creature Commandos, which is coming out very soon too. I had no idea you were in that. I'm so excited to see it. Yeah, yeah, yeah, me too. Yeah. Great. And finally, Olivia, where can people find you? What would you like them to know that you're doing these days?

You can find me on Instagram at OCDLorentis. You can find more importantly, me and my comedy partner on TikTok, Instagram, YouTube, at Sid and Olivia. She's Sid, I'm Olivia. That's the two names. They go together and do that. We have a podcast called Sid and Olivia Talk Shit that we just brought back and we'll

probably be doing live shows and random shit. Follow her to find out about the random shit. You guys, this has been another incredible episode of Bad Dates, the podcast. Thank you so much for listening. If you liked what you heard today or even quite frankly, if you didn't like what you heard today, go and leave us a review on iTunes or wherever you're much for listening. If you liked what you heard today, or even quite frankly, if you didn't like what you heard today, go and leave us a review on iTunes or wherever you're listening this.

Make sure it's a five-star review, no matter what your opinion on the show is. I keep going back to this one review. I have mentioned it truly every episode since I saw it that said Joel is really dropping the ball on this podcast, but still left us a five star review. So I'm saying even if you have notes, that's beautiful. Even if you have notes, just leave us five stars.

That's really all that I care about at the end of the day. You guys, I will be back next week with more stories of horrible, bad, no good dates. I'm Joe Combooster. Goodbye. Bad Dates is a production of Smartless Media created by Robert Cohen. Executive producers are Robert Cohen and Stuart Bailey. Produced, edited, and engineered by Devin Torrey-Brien. Produced by Anne Harris. Edited by Kyle McGrath.

Associate producer is Maddie McCann. Social media producer is Tommy Galgana. Executive producers are Sean Hayes, Will Arnett, and Jason Bateman. Executive producers for Smartless Media are Richard Corson and Bernie Kaminsky. Music by Kushi and Eben Schleder. If you've had a bad date or would like our advice on any dating issues, please tell us about it at baddatespod at gmail.com or call us at 984-265-3283. That's 984-265-3283. That's 984-265-3283.

That's all for this week. We will be back for more Bad Gates.