Bad Dates with Jameela Jamil - Speed Dates: Ayyy, Stenographer! (w/ Jay Jurden)

Episode Date: December 8, 2025

On an all-new episode, host Joel Kim Booster sits down with the hilarious and thoughtful Jay Jurden to talk about Joel’s impending nuptials! Jay has been married for a few years, and together with his husband for a long time before that, so he’s an ideal person for Joel to chat to. They'll talk about what marriage means to them as gay men, the benefits of preventative couples therapy, balancing everybody’s happiness, keeping a marriage happily open, and finally Jay explains why Megan Thee Stallion is making him believe in love this week. Joel Kim Booster: Psychosexual, Fire Island, Loot Season 3Jay Jurden: @jayjurden on socials, stand-up special Yes, Ma’am on Hulu Subscribe to SiriusXM Podcasts+ to listen to new episodes of Bad Dates ad-free. Start a free trial now on Apple Podcasts or by visiting siriusxm.com/podcastsplus. Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

Hello, hello, hello, and welcome to a very special episode of the Bad Dates. As you know, every week here, we bring in a troop of incredible comedians and storytellers and people of interest who tell stories from their dating. past, but today we are actually going to sit down and talk one-on-one with a success story. And that is my very good friend. He's an actor, writer, and comedian who has performed on HBO Comedy Central three times on The Tonight Show and written for The New Yorker and has a special coming out on Hulu on November 7th, 7th called Yes, Ma'am. And you guys, he's written for none other than John Stewart. I almost missed that part. That's very important. I'm circling it now. Guys, give it up for Jay Jordan.

Thank you. Thank you for having me. Thank you so much for being here. Good to see you. Yes. You are seeing me fresh off of my bachelor party in New Orleans, which is also has a very special significance as a city for you because. My special, I shot it in New Orleans at the Joy Theater on Canal.

Amazing. And why did you choose New Orleans? Well, the special is super southern and super queer and super black. Just like you. Just like me, but also just like New Orleans. So that's kind of, I mean, I grew up in Mississippi, and whenever you talked about, like, the craziest gay places close to where I grew up, New Orleans was the closest place. That's where Tennessee Williams went to be super loud.

And we had a gay ghost tour guide. Unfortunately, he was not a ghost, and he really didn't touch on a lot of ghosts either, I have to say. He really, anybody who's been in New Orleans knows exactly who I'm talking about. Wonderful tour guide. So much history, gay history, in and around New Orleans. Were there a lot of ghosts? No. So we maybe, I don't know,

miss sort of represented what the tour is, but I still highly recommend because he touches on how he started off the tour by telling us that New Orleans is the gayest city in America. Or in fact, was at one point. Fuck New York's drag. And by the end of the tour,

I'm sort of on board for it. There were stories of lesbian vampires, a lesbian pie. Pirate. That was really great. Many, many stories of Marlon Brando being in New Orleans, getting a little gay, you know. Lesbian pirate, I just see instead of a peg leg, a strap. But yes. Yes. That's kind of beautiful. That would be. I think that is your next project. To bring to live. Exactly. Producing in writing the lesbian pirate tale. But so you have a lot of experience with Noel. How was the crowd in Nolan? It was great. It's such a cool mix because, as you know, when you get to do really fun, gay comedy,

for a blue dot, a kind of a wonderful progressive oasis in a red state. They're so grateful. They're so on board. They get all of my southern idiosyncrasies. They get all the queer stuff. They get it and they get it in a way

that resonates that they like laugh and respond really loud. I had some of the best audiences. I did two shows. We recorded it over two shows and then we chopped it up. They were great. I loved it.

So is this your first special? This is my first special. Wow. That's crazy to me because I just feel like this is you're on to your third. by now. You have the material. I've been following you for a long time. And as a nice transition into what we're going to talk about today, one of my favorite jokes that you have, not to spoil it. I bring this up to you every single time I see you. But it is the joke that you have where you talk about your partner. Yes. And then talk about how he wants or has a raccoon? Yeah. At one point, this is the back of the day, at one point, my husband now, he wanted a pet raccoon.

And I always used to say my husband, at the time, my boyfriend wants a pet raccoon. That lets you know three things about you. Number one, I'm queer. Number two, I'm in a relationship. And number three, it is inter-raceous. It's my favorite. Because it really does paint the picture quite well. So now, husband, how long have you been married? We got married in 2022. So three years this past summer, and it's been delightful. 2022. What a good year. Right. Coming back.

We all feel alive again. We got married Queens at the foundry in New York City. And for you, and I, like, you know, this is the thing that, this is the one number one thing that people who, when they find out I'm getting married, love to either curiously ask about or sort of aggressively ask about, but it is like you're open. You're non-monogamous. So why marriage? Why is that important to you? I mean, completely misunderstanding, I think, what marriage actually is for, you know, I don't know about you, but I'm actually quite glad that sex is not at the center of why I wanted to get married. I didn't need to lock down one person for the rest of my life.

I am choosing, in fact, to devote my life to somebody else. But, like, what brought you, have you always wanted to get married or? No, so I never thought about marriage just because I think up until I started really dating my husband. husband who I've been with for a very long time. And still we were together for a while. Marriage for me was so, it was so far away from the life I wanted as a performer as kind of this transient actor slash like person who was constantly in school. Like I wasn't thinking, oh, you do this to, you go to school, you get the job, you get married,

you have kids. That kind of, the minute you come out as queer, every rule is broken. So the foundational pathway for a lot of cishead people is gone. You just go, I don't know what's going to. I truly don't know. So when we moved to New York, I was like, oh, we've been together for a very long time. We're in New York together. We should probably get married.

And we kept letting each other know that I do want to marry you. We do have to figure out from a money standpoint, from a time standpoint, how are we going to make this work? And so when I finally got the job at the problem with John Stewart, I had enough disposable income and enough time. And he had a big boy job so we could do a wedding the way we wanted. We could have family come up. We could afford to do it that way. I didn't go into dating him thinking, oh, we're going to get married because the minute you accept your queerness, you kind of go, oh, well, marriage and long-term commitment for me is going to look

different than it, than for my peers. Yeah, absolutely. So what I think, what does marriage mean to you then? Is it more practical? Is it more symbolic? What, I mean, I can answer the question for myself because, like, quite frankly, we didn't need to get married for any practical sort of reason. Our finances aren't super entwined.

I don't think they will be until we may or may not. We will have kids someday just depending on when. And so, like, you know, it was important for those reasons. But for me, it was largely symbolic because I just knew that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with this person, building a life with this person, being in a partnership with this person. And for me, the big reason to throw a wedding is, A, we could. And B, for me, it's a lot like writing a book where you tell people, you tell a bunch of people, hey, I'm writing a book. And then suddenly, you have to write it. You have to do it. Everybody knows that you just said you were going to do it. So now everyone's going to be checking in with you. Hey, how's the book going? And so you have that built-in sort of accountability with all of these people that you have pre-selected and chosen to tell that you're writing the book. And for me, the ceremony is that part. I'm going to stand up in front of all. of my closest friends and family and say, I'm going to make it work with this person no matter what. Yeah. And now y'all are responsible for checking it on me and keeping me accountable to that

and saying like, hey, how is it going devoting your life to this one person for the rest of your life, you know? We had a similar experience where he knew that he wanted to have a wedding. I knew that I wanted to continue the beautiful relationship we have. And a wedding was not a deal breaker for me. Marriage wasn't a deal breaker for me. What I wanted to. was to be kind of on board and celebratory of the entire thing with him. So he was so focused on, like, planning and making sure everything was correct. And I was kind of focused on like, okay, this is something that we really, we're really committing ourselves to.

And we're also bringing our friends and family to celebrate us. We've been together for a very long time. This is a celebration of us. And like you kind of said, our continued commitment to each other. In our vows, we talked about how, like, every day we choose each other and we choose to continue to try to make it work with each other. And even in a world where that marriage looks different than straight people's marriages, that marriage looks different than like queer partnerships 20 years ago, I do like the fact

that I have a husband. I like the fact that I have someone I come home to. I like the fact that I have someone who I'm accountable for. I love the fact that we're going to a wedding so people know that he's coming with me to this event. So I love that. He's been with me since I was going to Creek in the Cave in Queens. And if you're a comic, you understand why.

He was with, he came to show where the floor smelled like piss. And so it is my duty and my right to make things work with him because he sat through a lot. And to give him that wedding that, you know, it sounds like you were sort of agnostic about weddings in your own. But like, if that's what he wants after he has waited for me at the end of an open mic, after three hours of sitting in the back of a shitty bar, then by God, this man gets a wedding. Yeah, and he gets a good one. Yeah.

Bad dates. Bad dates. So tell me, obviously, you've been together for how long in total? Ooh, this, okay, so this fall, you're going to lose it. I want to say, if this is 2025, 14. Woof. Yeah. That's crazy.

Because you're also such a baby. Yeah. Well, we met in undergrad, and then he was my assistant stage manager. And then he was helping me with lines. And then we started flirting a lot and kissing. And then I went to grad school. And so for three years, we were long distance and a bit off and on. Part of when we talk about the honest approach to marriage and what kind of non-monogamy looks like for people,

we had an experience with kind of being honest and truthful with our desires early on. We've been together for a year. I went to grad school. I was gone for three years. So there was not a world. I was like, you can't kiss anyone. No, have fun. Yeah.

Have as much fun as possible. We're going to continue to try to make it work. We're going to visit each other. We're also, we moved to New York. I moved to New York and then he moved up there with me. And part of that reasoning was like, if we are in New York together, no one goes, you may move this poledunk fucking town when I should have been to New York. We moved to New York together.

And if we would have broken up, we would have been too hot, 20-something, queer people in New York, and it still would have been fine. Exactly. Yeah, you're not ruining somebody's life by dragging them. Yeah. You know, I'm not even going to stay the city because we have listenership everywhere. Yeah, but we're both from places where we would have been like, don't drag me back home. Yeah, exactly. So, but I guess my question then is in this 14 years span or so, you've obviously had a lot of ups and downs. You've gone through a lot together. What were some of the big sort of, we got over this so we can handle life together moments for you? If you had to pinpoint a

couple of those selection points. I mean, it was the fact that, like, I continued performing and he stopped performing. Oh, wow. He took, he took, he took, kind of, like, he had one opportunity where he could have gone on tour, and I was working as a personal trainer. I think he was still working, like, in some capacity for onboarding at either Barry's or Rumble at the time. So we're, like, we're, like, a fit, Jimmy, couple, whatever.

And, like, he could have gone and done this tour. And I was like, do you want to try to make it work in New York? And he sacrificed that opportunity. And now he works in the, I want to say in the, like the financial sector. That's the best way I can put it. But primarily like talent, acquisition, onboarding, offboarding. So there was a point where he, when he chose to do something that was more reliable for us. And it was, you know, there were some arguments.

there was some back and forth about it. I think also he doesn't resent me, but he was aware that it was a sacrifice. And it was a sacrifice that I am forever kind of grateful and indebted to him for making. Because it also allowed me to be more flexible. So I guess my question then for you is, in the span of time since he's made that sacrifice for you,

which is a big one. It's a huge deal to sort of not give up on something that's a part of you, but also like make a very practical choice for the relationship that you're in. in that maybe, you know, sort of puts somebody else in front of your self in terms of needs. What have you done to repay him? I mean, Joel, if you saw the amount of Gucci bags, he's got like a couple of bamboo handle bags. Like, when I tell you, I did a gig and the check

went straight to him, that's kind of, that's a very superficial answer. But also like building a home and making sure that I execute a level where I'm honoring his sacrifice and trying to match that. So now sometimes if he has to go do something, our dog passed away in December, but there were times when I was responsible for all of our dog stuff because he couldn't be there and just making sure that I'm attempting to repay him or at least honor that commitment he made to me. Because that what he did, that decision that he made was an investment in you. Yeah.

You know, it was a show of confidence that, like, I'm going to make these decisions because I know that someday it's going to pay off in your success. Yeah. Which is a huge vote of confidence. We were both actors. We were both performers. And he told me, early in our career, he was like, you're really good at comedy and you're a really good writer.

I think, like, comedy and writing is, like, going to be your thing. And I wasn't him saying I was a shitty actor, but that was him saying, these are the things that you excel at. And these are the things that I'm seeing people light up when they see you do these things. And he said that. And, you know, when you're an actor, you're kind of like, no, but I'm also so talented. I'm so good at so many other things. Let me stretch.

Let me stretch. And so when he said that, way back in the day, I still remember being like, holy shit, what did he, he knew or he saw something. And for him to continue to stand by me, like, it's almost like, it's the question of, like, I'm on the road all the damn time. And so, like, he also is sacrificing. There are times, even now, when I come home and he goes, I feel like I haven't seen you. And I have to, like, stop what I'm doing and be like, oh, you're right. Being present. You're right.

Let's go get something to eat. Let's go to a restaurant close in our neighborhood. So we're not hopping in the Uber. We're walking together. We're talking about it. We're not looking at our phones and, like, worrying about shit at the restaurant. We're, like, actually going to try to engage with each other. So that's something that we continue to work on.

And it's gotten better because I, I mean, I was late to the game. but I started doing therapy, I want to say, a year and a half ago. Oh, wow. Yeah, he was in therapy already. I was a holdout. I just wasn't doing it. Have you ever done couples therapy? No, I don't know if we do couples therapy.

We could, but that's not something. We don't need, we don't have to do it yet. Our thing is, is we're doing it, but it's prophylactic. Yeah. It's like, it's doxypet, basically. It's like, literally, like, we don't need this, but like, we might as well shore up, you know, our relationship now and get everything out on the. the table. And it feels in some way safer to do it in that setting than otherwise. But yeah, I, yeah, it's not something that neither, that we need necessarily. And if the calendar works out,

if the calendar works out, I would do it. I'm not opposed to it. Because a lot of times I go, hey, hey, hey, hey, a stenographer. Can we get the minutes back on what actually happened? Just so, just so we won't relitigate. Totally, totally. So you've been married now for three years. Yes. What is some of your advice for me? as I'm going to being married. Oh, I would say the words, my husband have so much weight, you throw it around. Have fun. Being like, well, you know me, my husband.

We got diarrhea at that place. My husband and I. That is, you know what, I haven't dipped my toe into, because it's difficult now. I famously hate the word fiancé. I do not need more French in my life. And so I've sort of defaulted to partner because now it feels wrong to say boyfriend. But there's so much explanation that's required.

I'm also going to tell you, you know what else is going to happen? And you'll get out of it. Joel, you are going to slip up and say boyfriend and maybe he's fine. Garrison was not fine whenever he would say, you're what? I go, you're right. I like rewrote jokes.

I was like, husband, husband, husband. There was one joke in my special where at the time I said boyfriend So to honor the kind of like pocket that it was in, I said boyfriend, but like looking back on it in the edit, I was like I could have said a husband. But that would have made it seem like it was happening currently and the story happened like a few years ago. But yeah, for the weight that my husband as a phrase has, but also like remember to say my husband after you're married because, you know, it's honoring the commitment. Yeah, I had a sit when I filmed my Netflix special, we only been dating for a year or so. And so it just, like, I was like, I'm not going to include any of the jokes I've written about our relationship. So in the special, I am single.

Yeah. And he struggled with that in a way that he did not expect to struggle with it. Because he's like, he knows that we're together. But it was like suddenly me announcing to the entire world via Netflix that I was single really sort of like got under his skin a little bit in the way that I don't think either of us expected. Well, it's reach. It's because it's not you saying you're single at a bar. show or even at a show like in the city it's like oh everyone is looking at this clip that you have to put out for promo about how you're single and now if they meet me you have to be like well that was

that was so lovely that's not right now I'm not yeah bad dates are there any sort of like very nitty-gritty practical things that you've changed about your day-to-day since being married that I should be weary of. Since being married, do you wear the rings now? We, I, so he does. I don't have a ring yet. Okay. That's been his, that's his job at this point. Because I got the engagement ring and the engagement ring will double as our wedding band too. But because I'm the one who proposed, I had to get the ring and he is now, that I have like totally put on him. Yeah. to figure out for our wedding. Because I know you do like the gym,

the on and off with the ring, just if you're, if you ever are worried about losing it, just leave it at home. Truly just leave it at home because the argument about you not wearing it to one thing is so small compared to the argument about you losing it.

And that is like a practical, that's a practical thing. Have you lost the ring? No, I haven't. So we did like a double joint. So I did like the band and like my stack and like one has diamonds and one doesn't. But his rings, there's one ring I got him a long time ago. And then there's the actual ring he uses now.

And it's also a stack. And one time I almost thought he lost one of those. And I'm like the chill one. I'm the dumb, I'm the dumb silly one. I don't care about stuff. When I thought he lost it, I truly was like, so you don't care anything about less. So you actually hate me. So you actually hate me.

That's insane. But yeah, the ring is, you know how straight guys kind of wear the plastic joint whenever they work out now? Oh, I didn't know that. A lot of straight guys have like the rubber. They have the rubber. If they work in like a thing where a ring would be a work hazard. Got it, got it, got it, got it. And sometimes if they work out too, if they're like cross-fitting guys, they have like the black sort of like rubber ring.

You can wear that. I will say as a queer man, I will be like, Joel. Yeah. I don't think that's the move. I think taking it off. I'd rather wear nothing quite frankly. Yeah, yeah, bear bad. Yeah, exactly.

Because I don't need to signal to the world that, like, stay back. Yeah, yeah. Do you see this? Yeah, you got stuff to promote. Exactly. Exactly. All right. Well, Jay, this has been so fantastic.

Such a, you are, I think, the first queer married person that I have talked to on the podcast about this. So this has been especially illuminating for me. Oh, I'll also say, there's one more thing. Oh, please. So boys will think it's even. even hotter that you have a husband now. Really?

Yeah, the boys who thought it was hot, you had a boyfriend, the number raises. I see, I'm almost, like, turned off by that. Whoa. I'm almost like, because I'm like, what's your game? Yeah. You know, like, what, because I was never that person. Okay. I never thought someone being in a relationship made it hotter or less hot to me at all.

It's a lateral move, all of it. So it's good to know that there are those people out there because I want to stay far away from those fuck of people. I am, it's just, it should be just about me, not about whatever's going on at my home. Yeah. Exactly. Let's just be horrors. Okay.

So Jay, before I let you go and before we end up the thing, I want to ask a question that I always ask during our speed date questions, speed date episodes, which is what is something? And this can be as literal or as figurative as you'd like it to be that is, that is you've seen or that has happened to you this week. Okay. That is making you believe in love. things. One's very sweet and one is so nasty. So the first one is I saw this Halloween couple's costume. It was a girl, a guy, and their baby. And they were just this cute couple and then they were TikTok the transition. And they were like the baby wasn't Evie. He was a Florian and she was a Vaporion. And it was so cute, but she still had her titty's out. He still

had his shirt off. Like they were still sexy. But the baby was a cute little Evie. And that was so, I was like they really love each other And they were a black nerdy couple I was like y'all are precious It's so cute Give them the world And so the nasty thing is Megan the Stallion

Put out lover girl And the whole song Like the chorus one of the hooks Is like pop that pussy for your man It's about Clay Thompson Who is her new boyfriend He's a basketball player For Dallas Mavericks

But it's like a song about like Fuck your man Like give him like really Rock the Man's world And she's like throwing She's shaking her ass this video in a way that you will be discombobulated

if you watch. The shockwaves will be felt throughout history. And it's one of, arguably one of the best asses we've seen in the rap game for the past 30 years. We're so lucky to get to witness it. But it's a love song where she's still throwing her ass. So much

like me and you, people are like, oh, you're locked down. Why are you still being a slut? Because I still get to be slutty and be happy about my man. You get to throw ass no matter what commitment you have made under God and legally in the state of California. And they're not even married. They've been together for a little bit now. But seeing her, like, you know, be pro

ass throwing and pro her man. I hope that wakes something up in people's brain so they get less puritanical. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Wow. That was such a quick. Both answers so beautiful in their own way. Two sides of the same coin. Yeah. Bad dates. Jay Jerdin, everybody. Thank you so much for joining me guys check out a special yes ma'am coming out november 7th on hulu it is a treat jay you're one of my favorite comics working today i've said it before i'll say it again one of the best joke writers in the game so please please please check them out and if you'd like a little l'ooseboosh

go and look him up on youtube because the tonight show sets are crisp and clean and immaculate they let me get away with a couple of group gay sex jokes on the tonight show that and see that is why you are a hero of mine i'm jolkin booster goodbye bad dates is a production of Smartless Media created by Robert Cohen. Executive producers are Robert Cohen and Stuart Bailey. Produced, edited, and engineered by Devin Tori Bryant. Produced by Anne Harris. Edited by Kyle McGrath.

Associate producer is Maddie McCann. Social media producer is Tommy Galgana. Executive producers are Sean Hayes, Will Arnett, and Jason Bateman. Executive producers for Smartless Media are Richard Corson and Bernie Kaminsky. Music by Kushi and Evan Schlever. If you've had a bad date or would like our advice on any dating issues, please tell us about it at baddatespod at gmail.com or call us at 984-265-3283. That's 984-265-3283. That's all for this week. We will be back for more.

Thank you.