Bad Dates with Jameela Jamil - Speed Dates: Bananas Tales (w/ Kurt Braunohler and Scotty Landes)

Episode Date: January 11, 2024

On this episode of Speed Dates, Jameela welcomes back comedians and hosts of the Bananas podcast, Kurt Braunohler and Scotty Landes, to discuss the weirdest dating stories they’ve come across on their show. And later, Scotty has a first date story of his own that’s stranger than syence fyction. Follow Kurt on social media @kurtbraunohler, check out the Bananas podcast every week, and, if you missed it, Kurt’s previous episode of Bad Dates (also featuring Ophira Eisenberg).See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Bad dates! Sweet dates! Hello and welcome to another speed day episode of Bad Dates. Today I am joined by the hilarious comedians and hosts of the bananas podcast, Kurt Braunela and Scotty Landis. Welcome Kurt and Scotty. Hello. Hello.

Hello. We're having us. We're happy to be here with you. Thank you so much for coming back. I'm so happy to have you back. I love you guys. I think you're so fun. So on your very strange podcast, Benana, as you cover some of the weirdest news around the world, do each of you have a favorite bad date story that you remember so far? Yes, I do. This is my favorite one. It was actually that a man robbed a bank on a first date and forced the woman

to be his getaway driver. That's right. What? Yeah. I remember that one too. Yeah, it was in Massachusetts, she's from Massachusetts, but I think it happened all in Rhode Island.

And this was on CNN. So this is like a legitimate real story. That's right. Wait, so break it down. Like what happened? Did the date start normally? And then it turned into that? What happened?

So she picks him up. So that's first off, like it was online dating. Yeah, it was on Tinder. They decided to get together. It was, they'd never met each other before. She goes and picks him up at his house. So she already has to drive. Big red flag.

And then drives him, for some reason, they drove 30 minutes away from where he lives. I think that that's maybe closer to where she lived. I don't know why they drove for so long. But the whole time he's drinking red wine in the passenger seat. No. Which is a red flag right there.

But that's's a criminal. As a criminal, I wouldn't want him in my crimes Indicate. You know what I mean? He's dropped on the job. He's sloppy. Exactly. Yeah. I also imagine that he's just drinking it out of like a wine, like a leather wine skin.

It feels like a cotton. It feels like a cotton to me. A carton of wine. Okay. And then he just had her. He asked her to pull over at this bank, and she just met the guy at 30 minutes beforehand. And so she pulls over at the bank,

and he goes, and he's only there for like, what, like a couple minutes, God. Pretty fast. She thought he was just getting cash out for their date. She, he, like, which he was. Which he was. But yeah, he was called like 20 minutes. He went in and like kind of was a little nervous,

but yeah, when he came out, did you, I remember the quote pretty clearly, because he just gets in, slams the door and says, fucking go. And she was so afraid she just guns it out of the parking lot. But also he comes in and he's holding like a bucket hat, sunglasses, a gun, and a thousand dollars. And he's like, fucking go.

And she's just like so scared and panic that she just starts driving away. Oh my God, I would be so pissed if I was being implicated in a felony, in like a huge federal felony for a thousand dollars. For a thousand dollars. For a thousand dollars. Like it has to be at least in the tens. Come on. And the best part is that is exactly how much he asked for.

He wedded it asked for one thousand dollars. He said, and the quote was like, I'm really hurting. I need one thousand dollars. And I think the bank teller was just like, yeah, sure, pal. I'm not bad.

I'm not bad. I'm not bad. That's so much less than what we have here. Oh my God, that's so surreal. I mean, it's quite exciting. But I find that, I always have this toxic trait of siding with the bad guy, but I just feel like he's industrious.

He has a drinking problem, but he's industrious, using like a hinged day or whatever to assist you in your errands, very strong, survive a behavior. My question is this though, was the bank robbery inspired because he had a date? That's my question. Like, he's just like, I'm gonna take this lady out on the town, we're gonna have the best night.

On a thousand dollar date. A thousand dollar date. I'm gonna take this lady out on the town. We're gonna have the best night. On a thousand dollar date. A thousand dollar date. We're going to a lot, red lobster and we're getting all the shrimp scampy we can eat. Yeah, like you're getting a hotel room for a thousand dollars. Yes, oh yeah. I think he's a romantic.

Yeah, I think he's a romantic guy. I like this guy. He is enjoying that. He's gonna stay on that. Well, I know where to find him then You know, so maybe I'll write him a letter That is bonkers, okay, so you have another story about a Japanese man

Can you tell me what he did? Okay He did you yeah, he got arrested after dating 35 women and Getting birthday presents from all of them. So he was arrested because it was like something like it was like a thousand dollars worth of birthday presents. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, why are you getting arrested for that? That's fucking bullshit. You could have as many girlfriends as you like.

That's right. It's not a crime. He didn't trick them into giving him gifts. He just sounds like a wonderful lover. So, but also he like told all of them that his birthday was different days. So he had like them running all at the same time. So he would just get like these expensive gifts

like every couple days for a year. Is it like in Janious? But the fact that they all got together and found each other is kind of the amazing part. Like they figured out that they got used for the birthday present and then they started posting on Facebook and then other people who had dated this guy. And he is the dorkiest looking dude.

He's a real, he's a real, is a real wimp looking guy. Sort of has like a vertical like, I know like people talk about mullets where it's like short in the front and long in the back, but his is almost like short in the front, long in the back, but it's so high that it's just like a cone on his head. Yeah. Just mac in it out in Japan. But how is the people you never imagine anything off who do the things that you could never imagine?

Exactly. You know, this is, this is special, this is special behavior. He's a keeper, he's a winner, he's a multitasker, he's a go getter. I do like it. You're always on their side. I always love it. I always love it. I always love it. I always love it.

I always love it. The fact that he got caught because of a floral, sharp fuck up is the funniest part. Like he was running a pretty tight game. You forget to put one thing in your eye, Kyle, and your whole life can get fucked. Yes, he probably got dumped 50 times in two days, which is so exciting. I have some point.

Yes. He was a very extreme love addict, but I like that he was the gift-giver. So I feel like that makes him redeemable to me. What's everybody's love language? Um, I like to be left alone. I like it but in me time is what I like. Sweeties.

I'm F.W.H.R And I'm Peter Fragerpen. And in our new podcast Legacy, we explore the lives of some of the biggest characters in history. This season, we delve into the life of Pablo Picasso, hugely interesting, important influential artist, certainly the greatest of the 20th century, perhaps the greatest of all time, but a man with a complicated, difficult, personal side too that makes us look at his art in a different way. The ultimate giant of modern art and someone who everyone has heard of or seen a Picasso work, or the Picasso brand on something, but who was he as a person, as a hospind, as a

lover, he was a genius, and he was very problematic. Follow Legacy Now, wherever you get your podcasts. You can binge entire seasons of Legacy Add Free on Amazon Music, or by subscribing to Wondery Plus on Apple Podcasts or the Wondery app. Even if you read all the books, there is very little that can prepare you for parenthood. But sometimes you can find something that gives you a little insight. From Wondery, I love my kid, but shares hilarious stories and anecdotes about parenting that are actually relatable. Like when a friend asks you to do something at 6 p.m. on a weeknight.

Here's a clip from an episode. It's dinner three hours at your house. I notice that when I have company over and we have a dinner party, that is about the time. And I really want everyone to leave no later than 6, 30 or 7. And only the people without kids are like, kind of clueless. And I'm like, no, you don't understand,

like it's bedtime now. And it is, you don't wanna see this. You don't wanna see this. And I don't want you to see this. It is. Some horrors are about that. and it is, you don't want to see this. You don't want to see this. And I don't want you to see this. It is. Some horrors are about that. Yeah, they are the boss.

She is the boss of us. And I don't want you to see that. Listen to, I love my kid butt on the Wondry app or wherever you get your podcasts. You can listen to, I love my kid butt early and add free on Wondry Plus. Sweet days. Kurt, we did one also that was about a woman who, a guy went on a first date and the woman

brought 23 family members to the restaurant and expected him to be generous and to pay for all of it. But it was a blind date and so he walks in and there's 24 people waiting and they're all related to her and she's like, this is a test. This is a test for you. And so he paid like a big portion of it, but he's like, I don't know you. This is our first time. Is it the guy that robbed a bank and he needed a thousand dollars to pay for her and his family? Oh my goodness. Well, you have your own story now, Scotty.

I do want to tell me your bad days. I have a first date story for you. So when I was pretty young, probably 22, I was living in New York and my space was still the thing. And you could do like, who's within five miles? Who's within 15 miles? At that time, I was strangely hanging out with a bunch of aspiring male models.

I was not one of them. I was friends with one of them. And they would all hang out this bar called the still. So I had a first date with somebody through my space and I was like, you know what, I'm going to do it on sort of the regular drinking night with that whole gang. I'm just gonna go to a place nearby, just in case it's not a great date,

I can kind of peel off. So I've walked in this restaurant and I'm just going to say her name is Rachel. It was not Rachel. And I walk in and there's Rachel sitting there and I sit down at this noodle shop with her and she goes, before the date gets started, I just have to tell you that last night I fucked the vice president of the sci-fi channel because he looks like Robert Downey Jr. That's the first thing she said to me. The first sentence, I say, hey, I'm Scotty and she goes, I have to tell you, last night, I fucked the vice president of the sci-fi channel, which is already insane. As if there's just one. There's probably 500 vice presidents at the sci-fi channel.

Yes. And I also have to make one little timeline here because he looked like Robert Downey Jr. This is pre-Iron man. What? This was pre-2008. So this was just Robert Downey Jr. doing cameos on TV and lots of mug shots online on the smoking gun. And so I said, Oh, cool. So then

we have dinner and it's equally weird. And I'm like, you know what, I'm going to sit through this. I'm going to pay for this dinner. I'm going to be nice and curious the whole time. And then I'm going to go tell everybody at the bar, all my friends that are over there. And she would not let this date end. She's like, well, I'll walk with you. So then I walk her in a different direction from the barks. I didn't want to bring this energy into the situation. Eventually, I'm so bored of just walking blocks

around third avenue and the teens that I take her. And there are a lot of gay men there. A bunch of my friend, a group of gay men, and she instantly breaks into the, hey girl, you know me girl, like just starts kind of like. Oh no. They were like, who the hell is this? I'm like, I just met her one hour ago.

I don't know her. But she just fucked the vice president. She has a slight problem down here, or some greasy version of who loves sci-fi. So my friends can't stand her. She, they're bathroom at the place of the still, the bar was go the still, is downstairs. So she goes downstairs and they're like,

what is happening? I'm like, I gotta get out of here. They're like, well, let's just say we're splitting a cab back to Brooklyn. She lives in Manhattan so you can get out of here. So I walk outside with my friend Fred and she comes out and I'm like, hey, we're gonna grab a cab. I'm just gonna call it a night. So nice to meet you. This is really fun. She goes, oh, I'll, hey, we're gonna grab a cab. I'm just gonna call tonight.

So nice to meet you. This is really fun. She goes, oh, I'll go with you. I'll get a ride. And so she gets in the middle seat between Fred and I. Oh, I know. And again, so we're on third avenue and I think like 17th Street.

She's like, yeah, I'll just get a ride home. She lives between third avenue and second avenue on 15th Street. So she rides with us two blocks. Fred gets out politely so that this Rachel can get out. And she goes, I had the greatest time and kisses me so hard. The most violent kiss I've ever been kissed in the back of the cab. Just a fucking sci-fi vice president kiss.

You still have that energy, that juice. It could still taste that alien paranormal action. So Fred gets back in and he goes, let's go back to the bar. So we circle back around. The cab fare was $3.70. That's what we just went through. She walks one book to book. And when I get back in, everybody was cheering for me and celebrating for me.

And while I was still there drinking about, I would say eight minutes later, she goes, I don't want to walk on egg shells. I think we have a connection. Well, she texted you. She texted you. She texted you. She texted me instantly. She didn't know I went back.

She thought I was headed into Brooklyn. When can I see you again? And I said, hey, I think we're on a different wavelength, different page. Not sure. And she goes, ooh, you're gross. And then deleted me off of my space and block me on all of social media. So the whole first date lasted.

One hour of weird noodle talk, and then two hours of her harassing and bothering everybody. And then the most violent kiss of my entire life. Oh, man, what a weird, long date. I'm a little bit, I'm a little bit gonna to say that you should have got rid of her sooner. You're two polite, two nice, two polite, two nice, but you're a good man. You're a good man. I did it. No, I was stuck in a vortex. I thought I could get out of it, but it just kept getting stranger. And I feel like we should reach out to the president from that time of the sci-fi channel to see if he's okay, because this might be how she got him to just, just never fucking letting up until she gets her aggressive kiss.

I wonder what she's telling everyone about you? Probably that. Probably that I'm a gay man because I was hanging out with so many of them that night, and it's a great excuse if you're eating those fruits. I love an immediate, I'm into you. And then someone says, no thanks. And then you're like, er, you're gross. I love people who just change on a dime like that.

I think it's really refreshing, actually, which is unpredictable. It's exciting. I'm toxic. I'm toxic. Guys, thank you so much. This has been absolutely hilarious. Before you go, will you tell me, where can people find you? You can find the bananas on Instagram

at the bananas podcast on there. As you can also find any dates for our touring, anything about me as well at curtcomedy.com. That's Kurt with the K comedy with the C. And I don't have social media anymore. So you can find me on bananas every Tuesday on the exactly right network. Is that because you're hiding from that woman still? Yes, I'm that German. I'm done walking on eggshells. Good thinking. Thank you guys. Thank you.

Thanks, you're me. Bad dates. Bad dates is produced by Smartness Media and Wondery. Executive producers are Robert Cohen and Jameena Jamil. That's me. We will see you next time for more. Bad dates. Smart,

Blurred, Tis me, I'm... Hello, Prime Members. You can listen to bad dates early and add free on Amazon Music. Download the Amazon Music app today, or you can listen early and add free with Wondery Plus in Apple podcasts. Before you go, tell us about yourself by completing a short survey at Wondery.com Slash Survey. Hey, I'm Aresha and I'm Brooke. And we're the host of Wonderree's podcast, even the rich, where we bring you absolutely true and absolutely shocking stories about the most famous families and biggest celebrities the world has ever seen.

Our newest series is all about the royal spare Prince Harry. Stalked by grief and terrorized by the press, he grew up as the black sheep of the British royal family. But when he finally pushes through his stoic exterior and lets his feelings in, he'll have to make a choice he never thought he'd face. In our series, Prince Harry, Windsor of Change, we'll tell you how Harry discarded years of tradition

to find the happiness he always craved. Follow even the Rich on the Wondering app or wherever you get your podcasts. You can binge even the Rich and Prince Harry Windsor of Change early and ad-free right now on Wondering Plus. or wherever you get your podcasts, you can binge even the rich and Prince Harry Windsor of Change early and ad-free

right now on Wondery Plus.