Bad Dates with Jameela Jamil - Speed Dates: Holidating Advice (w/ Zach Zimmerman)

Episode Date: December 21, 2023

On this episode of Speed Dates, Jameela welcomes comedian Zach Zimmerman to answer holiday-themed dating advice questions from you, the listener! They talk about bringing drugs to Thanksgiving, offer advice for the quietest holiday smash, and agree you should always run the shower. Follow Zach on social media @zzimmerman, check out a copy of his book Is It Hot In Here (Or Am I Suffering For All Eternity For The Sins I Committed On Earth?), and, if you missed it, his previous episode of Bad Dates (also featuring London Hughes and Michael Cruz Kayne).See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Bad dates! Sweet dates! Hello and welcome to another speed date edition of Bad Dates. I'm Jermila Jamil and my guest today is the return of the insanely funny comedian and author, Zack Zimmerman. He's here to answer your holiday dating advice. Welcome back, Zack. Hello, how are you? Oh, I'm so well, Jermila. Thank you for having me back. I haven't been on a single date since we last spoke,

making me an expert on this topic. Fuck, wait, that was ages ago. I know, something happened. I got to get back out there. What happened? I decided I'd rather be a little lonely than a little annoyed. I can see that being a viral quote. You know, like, I think it was Linda

of Angela Lister this week who went viral for, I just don't want to get married again. I don't want to hear someone breathe. Breathe. Yes. I saw that. Or I think whoopee has a couple great ones. Just once you settled in, I don't want somebody in my house. Yeah, you're joining quite a strong lineage. And do you think you'll ever look for love again? Or is this it? Have, has my podcast forced you to retire? I don't want to point fingers, but if it smells like a pig, if it,

honestly, it sounds weird, but I think when I had a book come out, which is like a creative birth, and I don't think I've yet since birth, like someone who gives actual birth to a human child, it's hard to get back in the groove. Yeah, your creative uterus is still recovering, not fair. It's recovering. 100%. Okay, so even though you haven't been dating recently you've been dating a fair bit before then and When you came on this podcast you told me one of the funniest stories

I've ever heard definitely go back and listen to Zack Zimmerman's first appearance on this podcast a few months ago But because of your expertise we have some questions for you. Are you ready? Oh? I'm so prepared. I think I also I'm not in the thick of dating right now. I can observe it from outside giving me a powerful perspective. Your sex adjacent. Exactly. Wonderful. Okay, so how will you be spending the holidays and have you had your own holiday date nightmar stories? Oh my goodness. I spend the holidays either alone or with my conservative family, which is its own kind of unique challenge and struggle. I went home for Thanksgiving. This year, I

opened a can of wisdom worms by taking an edible before Thanksgiving dinner. And it was the best, best family gathering I've ever been to. Wait, who received or gave the wisdom? The universe gave it to me by telling me, hey, have an edible. How high were you? Not even that high. Just high enough to be a little goofy at dinner. Usually I'm like, oh god, everything's going to go wrong.

But this year my aunt was like, I'm so thankful for the best family in the world and I was high enough to be like, when are they showing up? And everyone laughed. I'm giggled and giggled. I just was able to be like a little bit more of my goofy self. So that's the trick I'm finding to Thanksgiving and time with family. Drugs, basically drugs. I think that's fair. I actually think the holidays are a dangerous time to date, especially between Thanksgiving and Christmas because people are traveling so much, you're longing,

there's lots of longing, there's lots of emotions. And in my past, I've fallen for people during this period that were bad fits for me. And you sort of, things get accelerated because suddenly you're with your family who you hate and you're texting the person you've been on two dates with, like, oh my God, I hate my family.

And that's like an intimacy that should come much later. But that's what I'm finding. So be careful with dates right now. Yeah, and it's expensive. You suddenly have to buy a gift for a fucking stranger. There's so much FaceTime wanking because of all the distance. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, in your childhood bedrooms.

That Christmas Eve FaceTime wank ruining your camera. Oh, no, not the splash zone. I'm sorry, everyone. No, that's bad. Have two of you ever taken anyone back for the holidays? My family's never met anyone. No, I dated a guy for three years who could have gone, but he was so we were concerned about how they'd react.

I think they're more open now than they ever would be to someone visiting of a male persuasion, but I've dodged anyone introducing anyone to my family. I think that sounds fine. I think you're gonna bring weed and I think that is the greatest companion that anyone could ask for. Amen. So we also have some questions looking for our advice. And someone's written in, we are going to my girlfriend's grandparents house for the holiday

and they make us sleep in separate beds since we're not married. We fucking live together in sin. But at their house, we have to sleep in twin beds. Should we sneak in the same bed once the old time is conceded? I want to, but don't seniors wake up at quarter to five or some shit? What do you think?

Is this person gonna have sex at that late at night? That early in the morning? That's true. I'm more of a 4 p.m. kind of gal. We're just a bit more dangerous. That's true. I'm more of a 4 p.m. kind of gal. Oh, morning sex. A bit more dangerous. Morning sex is the one. No kissing morning sex, that's all.

No because of the breath. Yeah, but I think what they're saying is in order to be able to have morning sex, because you can't have evening sex when you're staying with your family because they overfeed you so much that there's just so much farting. There's so much farting at a family affair. You know what I mean? You're so bloated, but in the morning you want to have sex, but they're fucking awake the whole time, pottering around. Yes, yes. I'm of two minds. I think if you were able to not have sex while you were there, it will build up some excitement and tension and you can, for when you get back to your home

where you live in sin, or you can risk it. I mean, if that's sexy and fun to you, but I don't know how hot like two twin beds in with your grandma's like dolls on the wall is going to be and like they're cat-pying at the door. I mean, it depends on your king. It is quite stressful. It can be quite fun knowing it's forbidden, I guess. Maybe anal doesn't count. I don't know. Oh yeah, that'll be very quiet. I think anal is the quietest, easiest version to get into. I think you should smash. I personally, I disagree

with Zach. I think you should go for it. I think it's gonna be fun and funny. And they're not gonna know. And if they do know it means they've bugged your room and then they're fucking creeps. And that's their problem. But I think a little Christmas smash, a little holiday smash, it relieves the tension.

It's a tense time. That's true. What about if you just one-kits other off? Yeah, keep it a hand stuff. Don't, there's no need to... Do you, I don't know what the... Yeah, you don't want to catch anything, and I guess if they're malaguous, never mind.

It's been so long, I don't understand the logistics of sex anymore. All right, well, I think we've landed on anal or just hand stuff. And run the shower. That's always... Run the... Yes. that's the trick deep down I think you should just bone and live your lives and I think they would have done the same thing at your age I think they're pulling some fucking old people bullshit on you. That's just my take. I'm I'm Ruth listen. I don't talk to my family and now maybe we know why

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So next up, it smells like old cheese and fresh farts at my boyfriend's parents' house. Last year I had to fake having COVID to avoid staying there for the holidays. Plus, their crunchy granola hippies who will serve some nonsense like tofurkey. What bullshit excuse can I come up with this year? As a vegetarian, I support the tofurkey enterprises. I thought it will check by that. Checking this reader by that, the farts are part of protecting sentient beings across all its forms, the farts. We suffer the parts, protect the environment. That said, you faked COVID one year, get a variant, fake it, fake a variant this year.

There's lots of respiratory illnesses running around to help you. Or aren't there ways to like lower your sense of smell? I think getting COVID is the main way to lower your sense of smell. Well, I think getting COVID is the main way to low your sense of smell. I'm remembering. I think when it comes to the excuses that I always give when I don't want to go is I think you just have to go with diarrhea. Just say you have diarrhea because no one wants any more questions. It's the thing that you have to answer the least questions about.

Nobody wants that. No one wants to catch that. It'll ruin everything, no one wants you around. The house already smells like farts as it is, that you don't want to make it worse. I always suggest going with food poisoning or the shits. I think actors are you're going up until the night before and then fake, explosive diarrhea. Right? No more questions.

You're not wrong. You don't even want to say more things after I've said that. and fake, explosive diarrhea. Right? No more questions. You're not wrong. You don't even want to say more things after I've said that. I actually have diarrhea. I can't do the podcast today. I need to go. The other wisdom, if you are going to do it, is based on my time, this year I went to the Edinburgh Fringe and everything is a venue there.

They put me in a nightclub that wreaked a vomit. So I was doing comedy for an hour every day in a room that's not fresh vomit, like 10-year-old vomit. And so I learned two things. One, breathe through your mouth. If you're dealing, if you're ever in an environment where you don't like the smell, breathe through your mouth. And two, the resolve of the human spirit.

We get numb so fast to things. Within 10 minutes, it will feel normal. Within 15 minutes, your body will adjust to so much. I believe in the strength of this listener to weather the farts, to acclimate to the fart. You're saying bad down. And use this as an opportunity. You're entering an environment where you can smell

whatever you like. You can create whatever sense. If you've been holding things back in your own body, if you've been showering daily for your entire year, bring the smells, bring the heat. Yeah, teach them a fucking lesson. And then you'll get uninvited. Yes. Love you. Take some of those smelling salts. Okay, so yours is the path of most resistance.

And I still say you should lie and fein diarrhea and have a lovely Christmas. We've really switched on this. Because we know that the Farts thing is, I mean, that's poo particles. That's poo particles in the airs act. And we can't keep lying to people about this. All right, it's tying the truth is out there.

It's tiny, tiny, little poo particles particles and no one wants that in their mouth. Okay. So once again, you and I are on opposing sides of good and evil. You being good. What's it? What's it like being wrong? Yeah. I wouldn't know. Okay. So thank you for that. A noble and empowering answer. Finally, I have a holiday bad date story from one of our listeners, and I would just love to get your reaction to it. This is from Annabelle. Now, she writes,

I've been seeing this guy for a bit. We'd already had sex a couple of times, and we were kind of getting to know each other still. He shares with me that he has a thing for armpits and that he can get a bit loud when he's really aroused. It was the week of Christmas and for our next date, he asked me to full-go my deodorant as my holiday present to him. Why I agreed remains a Christmas miracle. The date goes well and we find ourselves in bed. While we were going at it He had positioned himself so that his nose and mouth were right in my armpit

I was grossed out by this and began to reconsider when he licked my armpit Wrong move that action calls me to flinch which called me to tighten down on him which brought him to climax He roared I'm serious at the top of his his lungs he roared right into my armpit. Let me elaborate, can you... Let me elaborate, can you imagine what it would sound like if a gorilla was wrestling a lion and the gorilla managed to vise-script, squeeze the lion's testicles, yes, that in my armpit, apparently him getting a bit loud was actually him screaming like this at his climax. I came to find out that he frequently would make this noise

at climax, prior to us dating, he was in the military. He lived and got that's difficult for a whang, couldn't it? For a cheeky white girl, sharing the same room. He lived in the barracks for this dude, unashamedly, would masturbate and fucking loudly roar while surrounded by his fellow soldiers. Oh man, we broke up before Christmas. I mean, you can't take him back to your grandparents house and Shagam, can you? That's that'd be a little loud. Everything you've read sounds like hot as fuck. Like,

I mean, I like there was not I the, you know, pit man's act. I'm not, there are people in my community that are, so I don't wanna shame them in any sort of way. And I have so much empathy for the Lao climax. I, I know I sound like Gandalf, when I finish, it's like, oh, like, it's very loud. It's very loud.

It's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, yeah, my God. Oh, it's very loud. Oh, is it? Yeah, my God. Oh, is it? Early or late, he comes precisely when he intends to. But people make noises. Oh, that's a show. I'm glad she tried, did that kink for him or like didn't. Yeah, I think I'm not interloud noises.

I'm not into screamers. I think the armpit shit is fine. It doesn't make it, it doesn't make a difference to me. I think it's quite nice. If someone enjoys your natural scent or your phoemones, but the screaming is too much to me, that's it's scary. It's problematic for the neighbors. It's quite intense. It also, I imagine it can feel sometimes, especially a given how graphic that example was, that

zoo-based example was, it could feel a bit performative. Oh, that's interesting. Do you know what I mean? I'm not saying ladies love when you get animalistic and make... Oh, ah, ah! Yeah, exactly. Exactly, and I think that would be slightly off-putting, where it feels at some point out at the moment because they're just trying to show off how hard they're

coming. So I think maybe that's what it was. But no, we don't want to kink shame the armpit screaming community, but it isn't a bit much. There's so few moments where you get to let your guard down and relax and be you, if not at the moment of climax, then when? Well, I look forward to having you back on the podcast to hear how your dating life is continuing. Should you wish to hear someone breathe again? I adore you. Thank you for answering these questions and for listening to the stories of our listeners. Thank you to our listeners for all your thoughtful questions and stories. And Zach, before you go, can you tell me

where can people find you? What do you have coming up? Yes, I'm on all the socials. I'm at ZZ Double ZZ. That's ZZ and then the word double and ZZ, TikTok and Instagram, all that stuff. And I have a book of some bad dating experiences and family experiences. It's called Is it Hot and Here? Or am I suffering for all eternity for the sins I committed on earth? And it makes a great holiday gift for the enemy or friend in your life. It's an uplifting book. It really is actually it's full of love. It's an amazing book. Everyone go by it. Go follow that. Kazaka Adoye, thank you. Thank you, Jamil. I appreciate you. Bad dates is produced by Smartness Media and Wondery.

Executive producers are Robert Cohen and Jameena Jamil. That's me. We will see you next time for more! Bad dates! Smart, Blush, Smeee-ya! Hello, Prime Members! You can listen to bad dates early and add free on Amazon Music. Download the Amazon Music app today, or you can listen early and add free with Wondery Plus in Apple podcasts. Before you go, tell us about yourself by completing a short survey

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