Bad Dates with Jameela Jamil - Speed Dates: I Was The Bomb! (w/ Brendan Scannell)

Episode Date: April 6, 2026

On an all-new Speed Dates episode, it’s family time as host Joel Kim Booster sits down with his good friend, actor/comedian Brendan Scannell (Heathers, Bonding, newsletter The Abyss) to discuss maintaining a sense of self in your relationship, making friends later in life, being sober (or Bushwick sober as the case may be), knowing somebody in The Candy Hall Of Fame, and the real work of checking in with your partner. Plus, Brendan brings gifts! And Joel has some advice for single people, which is honestly not that different from his advice for anyone looking to get into entertainment.    Subscribe to our YouTube Channel for video clips and full episodes.  Merch available at SiriusXMStore.com/BadDates.   Joel Kim Booster: Scrubs Season 10, Psychosexual, Fire Island, Loot Season 3 Brendan Scannell: @bscan on socials, check BrendanScannell.com for newsletter and tour dates Subscribe to SiriusXM Podcasts+ to listen to new episodes of Bad Dates ad-free. Start a free trial now on Apple Podcasts or by visiting siriusxm.com/podcastsplus. Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

Bad dates. Sweet days. Hello, hello, hello, and welcome to another edition of the Bad Dates podcast. I am your host, Joel Kim Booster. Today is a very special episode, just family in the studio today. We are slowing things down just one-on-one with my good friend, comedian, Emmy-nominated actor from Heathers and Bonding. You can subscribe to his weekly newsletter, The Abunding. Biss, and you can see us performing together Thursday, April 2nd at the Elysian Theater.

It's Brendan Scanal, everybody. Hi, everyone. Joel's listenership. I'm so sorry, you subject yourself to him so often. Oh, already with the shade. This is how, we've been friends for about 10 years, maybe over years, 10 years now. I still remember when I met you, which was I was with Aaron Jackson and Josh Sharp, walking down the street, and you sort of swerved over, pulled over to the side of the road during riot fest in L.A. and said, y'all need a ride to the gay bar. And then you drove us to

Akbar. And it was, and the rest is history. Right. That's actually how we used to pick guys up and murder them too. Yeah. Bad dates is a podcast where we talk about. You guessed it bad dates. But sometimes I like to switch things up and bring on a very special friend like Brendan and talk about, certainly we'll get into your love life. Maybe you have some bad date stories to share off the fly. but we wanted to cover it all today. Cover it all. Cover it all. It's so nice to visit you at work.

For the listeners, Joel is wearing a porn hub. Yeah, well, we are a visual medium now. So if you'd like to see what I'm wearing today, please check us out on the YouTube page. Go to the Smartless YouTube page, like and subscribe. No one, I don't think anyone has yet, so you could be the very first person to do it. First person.

So. First subscriber. For time. Subscribers. That's when you get the perks. Brendan, there's like so many things I actually want to talk to you about and that I think our listeners would be interested in hearing about. But let's get to the nitty gritty of the sort of premise of the show, which is you are currently in a relationship right now. Long term. Long term. In fact, I was actually thinking on the drive over here. We've been friends for over 10 years. I don't know if I've ever known you with another boyfriend. Have you had another boyfriend in the time that we've been friends? Nothing over like six months. Okay. Who was the most serious person before your current partner Joe? Honestly, Joe was the first really serious person where it felt like, well, we moved in together really quickly because of COVID. Where I, you know, started, I think a big part of being in a relationship is giving up some of yourself.

And that was always difficult for me is to like fully submit to the idea of being like a partnership. Well, here's the thing, though, about you and Joe that I have clocked and that J.M. and I are really, my partner and I are really, have struggled with and are really working on is I love John Michael so much. And we spend so much time together. We also live together. We're married, et cetera. But we did have this realization a year or so ago where we realized we were becoming sort of just this unit that and we're really not necessarily losing our individual selves. But, you know, we only only hung out together. We only went out together. We spent, you know, his friends became mine. My friends became his. Like, and it was just like, if I'm going to go hang out with Brendan, you better believe Jiam would be there. And, and there is something to be said, I think, for maintaining a sense of yourself in a relationship. And we've been very intentional about like, hey, I know that, like, Kail has been your best friend for over 10 years. And though he is my friend now, be through, our relationship, why don't you go and have that time with him? Why don't, I just got back from a

wedding that J.M. didn't accompany me to because they were my friends, you know? And like, and it was, the reason he didn't come to the wedding is because he had to work and couldn't make it work. He would have come otherwise. But it was one of those things where I think a lot of couples, if, you know, there was a time in our relationship, I think if John Michael couldn't go to the wedding with me, I would have said, well, then I'm not going. And so I do think what you're talking about, the resistance that you mentioned at the beginning of your relationship of giving yourself up, I think it's a fine line to walk between giving enough of yourself up so that you can welcome, make room for someone else in your life, but not completely losing yourself to the relationship. Yeah, I think that makes

sense. I also think that as gay people or gay guys, as we, as gay guys, let's be very specific here. We are not just gay people. We are died in the world. We're gay guys. As gay guys, I think that there can be a, in like an everybody get in here attitude with relationships where it's like all of the sudden you only see your friend with their new boyfriend. I think Joe had a, Joe who wants everyone to like him a great quality that I wish I had more of. But he immediately wanted all of my friends to be his friends. And I remember feeling like, oh, my friends are for me.

And so then I had to allow him in, if that makes sense. Yeah, I remember that time when he really wanted to be my friend. Keep working, Joe. Yes, you'll get there. You'll get there someday. You're a little thorny. I am a very, I'm not ready for new people person. And I will say, in all honesty, like I do love Joe.

And you know that I love Joe and Joe loves that I love. Joe, but I am, I am sort of the person who like, when there's an established friend group, it's very difficult for me to trust new people because I love my friends very deeply. I'm very protective of my friends. When you are my friend, I will give you everything. And it takes a little bit of time for me to warm up to people who, I think, like Joe, sort of came in like a reckon ball. And we're trying to make these connections with everybody.

And it was, I think it's difficult sometimes when like people come in and, and want to, to operate as though they've always been there. You know, and I know that's more of a me thing than anyone else. But like, it is, it is just difficult. And I think that the more, like, the reason it worked with my partner so much is that we were doing it at the same time. Like, we were introducing our friend groups to each other and had so many lovely moments when we, We were like, whoa, what is Justin doing talking to Lewis? You know, like that doesn't make any sense. Gay guys, you know?

Two gay guys. Two gay guys. We are now married. Talking to each other. Like, that doesn't make any sense. And it is this beautiful thing that was really highlighted at the wedding where one of the best parts about being in a relationship is standing back and seeing these two parts of your lives sort of come together and intermingle and then becoming, you know, some of his friends

are now friends individually with my friends. And it's just, it is, it is really nice to see, but it is difficult. Did you feel like with Joe that you were, you were coming in to his friend group and shaking things up and trying to connect? Yeah. I mean, it's hard to even remember. We sort of were together and then COVID happened really quickly. So we became very codependent, sort of like what you were talking about with JM, where we were only seeing each other. And then we sort of re-entered into the world and had to be reminded that, like,

Like we were separate people. Yeah. If that makes sense. How long were you together before lockdown happened? Like six months. Six months? And then we moved into his parents' backhouse. I remember that period.

I remember that period. I was spending a lot of time with him, his family, his brother and his sister. And it was like the six of us has a COVID unit. That is immersion therapy. Yeah. I had 70 dinners in a row with my partner's parents, who I love. But it was a lot. I mean, it's no matter how much you love your in-laws, it is always going to be a lot when you're trapped inside and have no other options.

In the first six months that you were dating him, first date, do you remember? Well, we met at Bears in Space, which... Were you there for? I was there for because Joe was hitting on me first. In line to get into Bears in Space, Joe famously was hitting on me. and had I not left Bears in Space early to go hook up with someone else at a different party Who knows?

You would be... Slighting doors with JM. With J.M. Just play video games. No, I mean, but you were, so you were at Bears in Space, you met at that party. At Bears in Space, I had a show that night,

and so I was like stone cold, sober, just kind of chilling. And we both, we kind of met. and we talked about how we both had laser hair removal, classic. And then I sent him a DM the next day, which was, if you ever want to talk about laser hair removal again, this is my number. Wow, smooth, smooth. Honestly, I think that's the best way to do it.

I think that's, like, you take the one thing, the one notable thing, from the very brief interaction, and you spin it and you make it your thing. Right. The thing, you know, like. And I was never really afraid of, like, like getting rejected, if that makes sense. Like, if somebody, if he just, like, didn't respond to it, I was at a point in my life where I was fine with that. Well, look at the material.

I mean, you, the world is your oyster. One of the most beautiful boys in the world. The thing is, there's safety in that, too, because, like, there's enough plausible deniability of, like, it's also a joke. And I could also be recommending my laser hair removalist. Exactly. Exactly. Truly, truly. It's better.

It's like, it's smoother. It's safer and it's funnier than like, hey, I had a really nice time talking to you yesterday. I thought were you really connected and I'd love to see you again. You know, like, if you want to talk about laser hair removal again, here's my number. It is so simple to the point. It sends the message that you want to send, but it also gives them enough of an out to be like, oh, ha, thanks. Yeah, you know, next time I need a girl, I'll text you, and then they can end it there. It's like, it sort of gives them the ability to either like engage or politely decline.

And then you also can say like, well, it's not like I asked him out on a date. It's just like it's the perfect amount of subterfuge at the beginning of relationship. And I was good at dating at the time. Like I was good at the like setting dates up, going on dates, dating a guy for a couple. months. I was good at that, which I think some people struggle with. I never had a problem like going on the apps or Tinder or something and just like lining up like six dates and like going on all of them and just being like, this is the one I like or I like none of them. And then in six months, I'll do it again. So you were going on a lot of first dates, a lot of, oh my God. I was going

a lot of like drinks, both ended up telling our coming out story and never seeing the person again. It's like when you do like some queer person's podcast and you like all of a sudden like 40 minutes into it, you're crying. And you're like, and then my mom, I just sent me to conversion therapy. And that actually didn't happen. I don't know why I said that. Gay dating. Gay dating oftentimes can descend into like trauma carpet bombing. You know, you're just like, let's get it all in.

Yeah. I imagine you mostly. Olympics. Sweet days. Sweet days. Out of all the many dates, first dates you went on in that period, any notable bad dates that you went on that spring to mind, anything that like... Well, I guess one thing that is coming up is I went on like a second date to see a screening of a film at Amblin on the lot. And in...

For those of you who don't remember, Ampland is the... Their logo is Steven Spielberg. It's the E.T. sort of motif is their little logo. And I saw, I think, a McKenzie Davis horror film. And... Well, that could be any... I'm kidding. I'm kidding. I don't know if it ever came out.

However, I was extremely scared by it and was, like, screaming and shouting. and then afterwards there was a talkback where a lot of people who had been invited, not invited, you know, strangers from the street, basically told the director in the studio that they didn't like the movie. And I was seated right next to the director. And she was like, I want you to come to all of my talkbacks

and all of my screenings. And then I never heard from that guy or that director again. Did he like the movie? Do you know? I think he was a little so-so on the movie. You know how sometimes when people work on the movies? They're like, it's coming together. He worked in a movie.

Oh, he worked on the movie. He worked in the movie. And so I think I did a good showing as like a guest that he brought who was like screaming and shouting. Yeah, but giving an off-broadway performance. Making the screening about myself. Just, ah! But no, no, no, nothing that's that like scarred you, traumatized you, use, currently use on stage in a stand-up bit. Because that's the problem, man.

It's like I dated a little bit, but like I just never dated some. I never dated enough people to generate the kind of Nikki Glazer level material that like, cart blanche straight guys are like. Exactly. I guess that's part of it is like gay guys can be awful, but like not at the level that, you know, there's just not enough of us, you know. We're getting the note from the community because if you're dating in the community that we are living, in. It's just like there's 17 gay guys in total. You date one of them, you know, and you do something

shitty. All the other 16 are going to know about it. And it will eventually, one of them will sit you down and say, you cannot keep talking about your surgery, you know. Well, I think being a gay comic, you don't, you often realize in dating stories that you're the villain. Oh, all the I'm, I think women comedians are often talking from a perspective of the hero of like, these are the bad things that have happened to be on dates and like aren't, don't you identify with me? I made it through the rain and the fire. Exactly. Like a gay guy talking about his dating stories.

Like I'm usually sitting there and I'm like, and you are evil, right? Yeah. Or myself. Or this is something that I did. I led some guy on to a point where he invited me on a catamaran for. a week and in the middle of it I was like I don't know if I love this person but I have to stay on because I'm on vacation with him you know what I'm saying exactly well there's this it's one of these things where it's like if you're dating a normal person and like because we're so neurotic

and so like many comedians are looking for the weird thing are looking for the heightened thing about this like going on a date with a normal person you're often like you make something about their normalcy seem weird and try to present it as weird and then or or react to it as though it's weird and then after the fact realized that you were the one who is the villain of the piece as though you were saying and it's just like this innocent normie that was caught in the crossfires of my mental illness right you know well i used to always want to be like the special boy in my relationships you know i wanted to be the gardener and flower you wanted to be the flower right i wanted to be the flower, I wanted to be the fun, fanciful one with no problems, but in reality that then I'd be dating

somebody for like three months and they'd be like, hey, so like, I'm now seeing the real you and that's not you at all. And I would like run away. You know what I'm saying? And then I met my partner and he was like, no, I'm the flower. And it allowed me to be like, oh yeah, I actually thrive in this gardener position. It was really difficult for John Michael. And I think like, he wouldn't mind me saying this. but like for his entire life, high achieving, genius, charismatic, cute, hot, like life of the party. For the first 27 years of his life, he was the star of his own life. And then he met me. And suddenly he's the plus one to a lot of things.

Sure. And at the beginning of our relationship, especially after the movie came out, it was this thing that we really had to talk about in an address because it would be really easy for. for me to not to forget that you know he needs more he like I think I even said it in my vows I said I want to I will always make sure to remind you that you are the star of your own life because it's very easy when people are dating someone like us to like just lose themselves as like first lady you know yeah I was really good about I mean like when we went to the Emmys he was like and what am I wearing and I was like oh I guess now I have to think about that and like we the stylist can do both of us and he was like good you know and

sort of advocating for what he needed in that moment yes um yeah um very relatable we're just talking about uh but okay switching gears a little bit so you're dating um you decided to be boyfriends how many months before lockdown maybe like three months three months and then you moved in to his parents home why did you make that call well i was living with roommates in Silver Lake. I was living with a straight couple. My second straight couple that I've been living with in a row. Oh my yes.

Humphrey are the best boy. But both straight couples that I've married that I lived with married with children now. So if you are a straight girl looking to get engaged, I will live in your house. Gay reboot of Good Luck Chuck over here. Never even saw it. But I get the premise. Yes. And so I was living with roommates and he was living with roommates who like a new newish couple.

And it felt like we were going to have to lock down together in one of these homes with this other couple. And because his family's in L.A., he was like, I want to be with my family. And so I just packed up my stuff as well and went along. And how did that go? so great. I mean, stressful, but it was really nice to be around people who loved each other, if that made sense. Like, being away, I'm from Indiana, and so being out here, like, I don't have any family out here, and something I realized that I was missing in my adult life was just, like, the immediate closeness of, like, I don't know, like home-cooked meals. Sure, sure.

No, no, no, no, totally. Um, what would you say is the biggest thing that you struggled with in the relationship in that period? Because it is my true belief. If you are a couple who made it through the pandemic, then you have a much higher shot, I think, of making it. Just because like if, girl, if you can make it through the gauntlet that was locked down, that, you know, for, in terms of a relationship, like, you've, you, if sort of, it lived through a can't condensed boot camp of what many couples take years to have to experience. I think one thing we struggled with immediately after that was where do we go from here, right? Like I was after like a few months, I was like, I can't live in this backhouse anymore. I need to be back in my space with my roommates, which meant without him.

And how do you like scale back the intensity of a relationship to like help the relationship, if that makes sense? Without it seeming like an exit. Exactly. And without it seeming like you are, I don't know, breaking some sort of agreement that you've come to. And then once I started doing stand-up again a lot, that became difficult for him. Because he knew me as a comic when we first started dating, but we weren't spending every night together. And then when I started being like, I'm doing sets again. and not only am I doing sets, but I'm like reaching out to places.

Yeah, I was about to say you've really ramped it up post-pandemic in a way that I think pre-pandemic, it was, you were focused on other stuff too. Yeah. Yeah, and he was like, where are you going? Like, why are you? Like the other night, I had a show at West Side Comedy at 10 p.m. Oh, my God. Have fun getting back at like midnight the next day. But I love it, you know, but at like 9.30 I had to 9.30 p.m. I was like, all right, I'm going to leave now for the night. and go hang out with comics for like 90 minutes and do a set and do like, you know, 10 minutes for $10 and drive 40 minutes each way to do that. And so I had to kind of explain where the priority of like my art and my passion, where that like aligned in terms of our relationship and the time we spend together.

Totally. I mean, I... How do you deal with going on the road? I find it, um, the road can be difficult. I find spots during the week here in L.A. It's sort of the reverse for me is I find it very hard to motivate myself. I do it now, especially because I'm getting ready to tour again, and so I need the reps. But like, I want to be home with my husband.

Like, I'm not hanging out in the way that I should be hanging out or the way that I needed to hang out when we were coming up, because hanging out is sort of the linchpin of how you get ahead in, at least in the early stages of her stand-up career. Like, you got to show face. and I'm very lucky to have sort of grandfathered out of that need, but like it is really hard to motivate. I will say his big struggle about our jobs is not the stand-up. Like he understands the practicalities and the realities of me needing to do stand-up, but what he doesn't understand is when I'm on set, when I'm shooting something, you mean to tell me, you can tell me what time you start work,

but you don't know exactly what time your ending work. Yeah. That to him as someone who works a 9 to 5 job, who works in corporate America, who has worked in the tech world for his entire life, is like, that's fucking crazy. Like, that is insane. And it's always the full day. It's always the full day. You're always like, well, it seems like my scenes are at the beginning of the day, so I'm

going to be done in eight hours. No, because they need you for the first scene and the last scene. So you can sit in your trailer for seven hours and stare at your phone and ignore the book that you brought to read for that very purpose. Yeah. That's his bigger struggle. Let's shift gears again. I want to keep talking to you about Joe

because I am fascinated by your relationship on so many levels. But I want to know a little bit. You are sober now. How long have you been sober? A year. A year. And Joe is also sober now.

And how long has Joe been sober? Um, longer than me. Longer than you. Yeah. See, I thought it was the reverse because I have obviously been, I were friends and I know you've been on this sober journey for a minute now, but I thought that Joe's sober journey was in response to yours. I had tried to stop.

I quit. Drinking was the thing I was mostly struggling with, binge drinking specifically. And I had had like periods of sobriety that then wouldn't really stick. Yeah. And then Joe stopped after like we, honestly, we went to Orlando. His dad was inducted into the Candy Hall of Fame. Shout out Jeff. Like helped bring warheads to the masses.

Oh, my God. He changed my life. Exactly. He changed all of our lives. Wow. And we had this wacky trip in Orlando. We went to Epcot, got fucked up at Epcot. And just kind of like, it didn't go well.

It didn't like sit well with our relationship, this like trip to Orlando. And after that. That is, I mean, that sentence alone, it didn't sit well. This trip to Orlando. This trip to Orlando. This trip to Orlando. That is spiritually sit well with us. Oh my God.

What a play. I really did not enjoy my time at Disney in general. I don't know if I feel comfortable saying that aloud. technically we're not affiliated i won't say anything because i'm on an abc show but you go off queen i just felt like with no children there being an adult i was like what are we all doing yeah matt rogers is somewhere at home like twisting into a knot screaming at his phone right um no he's not listening to your podcast i was just about to say um imagine a world where any of my friends listen to my podcast.

But, so then he stopped, he stopped drinking and then he, um, he just kept stopped, he just never started again. And he stopped drinking when you guys got back from Orlando. Yes. And was it a discussion? Um, or what did he just stop? He was like, I'm not going to drink this weekend, right? And then this weekend can be with gay guys, right?

Yeah. It's like the weekend is the thing that can throw you off. because you're such a high functioning adult during the week. At least we both were. And then he just kind of kept going. He kept going. And then it was a few months in, and it felt like it was very hard for me to quit previously

while he was still drinking. I was going to ask. Because I, you know, am a bit of a... I have FOMO, right? Who doesn't? And so once he stopped drinking, I was like, I'm not necessarily missing that anymore. more. Any change you make to the way that we go out and socialize, it's an unlearning process. And not only

unlearning, but then you have to relearn how to be in like spaces and how to have fun again without XYZ thing. I have a friend right now who for the first time in his life is in a monogamous relationship. And, you know, we went to Palm Springs Pride. It's very sex forward, sex centered. event and you know I think for his entire adult gay life for the most part he has looked at these parties as like okay I'm going to go to this party I'm going to find a guy to take home and that was sort of this like what he centered about the experience and suddenly he's in this monogamous relationship his boyfriend had left early and he was like I don't know if that sounds fun anymore to go and I was like you need to go there and figure out if you can have

a different kind of fun. You need to relearn how to be in these spaces as a person who's not just chasing Dick. And he did have a good time. But does that seem like a similar experience to what you went through with drinking? Yeah. There's definitely a, I think that I thought that I was going to be like white knuckling so many experiences as in sobriety. And that's why it became the idea felt really overwhelming of like well i'm you know irish as fuck like my generations of alcoholism in my family like it's taught to me and then in LGBT world there's also so much addiction and drinking that it's like this is what having fun is and this is what social life is and so if i choose to not do that then i'm just going to be like thinking about doing it all the time and um

I mean, I entered a program and I don't think about drinking at all anymore. Interesting. When I'm at social events, it's almost like I've been hypnotized. Like, I just, it's of no interest to me. That's funny. I mean, I'll say, you know this about me. I haven't drank since 2022. Oh, I didn't know that.

Yeah. You know, though, I'm Bushwick sober. Sure, girl. There's plenty of other things that I'm doing to enhance the party. but I also don't miss it. Yeah. Not for one second. And granted, it's obviously very different because I've replaced it with other things at times.

But like if I'm on it, if it's a Tuesday night and I'm going to some, you know, after party event, like I'm not bringing out the other girls with me. Like that stuff I try to keep to the weekend. And so like I'm not even, if I'm out during the week and I'm at a bar, I'm like this scene, like, you know, you. It's true. Like, I don't miss it. And I think part of it might be California makes it a little easier to something, because there's a lot of people who don't drink here. Sure.

And so it is less of, you know, everywhere thing. But, like, yeah, I agree. I don't miss it. And I think, like, I just got to the point where I weighed what it was offering me, and it just, the math wasn't mathing anymore. Because I was, every time I drank, I was hot, angry, and tired. And I also, hate being around drunk people.

Some of my closest friends turn into demons when they drink. You included. I wasn't going to say it, Brendan. I wasn't going to call you out like that. But I will say that like I knew at the point in the night when the eyes were going akimbo that things were that I had lost my friend for the rest of the night. And I was like falling into things, bruises. And I was just sort of like I think my life.

life will be better without this. And then I really bought into that idea and it has proved true. But it is an adjustment socially. And I, you know, Joe and I had similar issues. And so it felt like sober dating sounds very interesting. Like, but I think that if you have chosen to be sober, often there's like a fair amount of like either like some sort of program or AA or like things. therapy or some sort of understanding that that wasn't serving you anymore. So you've done a little bit of work on yourself. But you also have to be really protective of your sobriety. And dating can be disruptive emotionally. And so many people use many different kinds of substances to open themselves up, to feel comfortable to like even like approach dating or sex. Like, you know, I think the other problem, I think the reason. I quit drinking was I was I was associating it with sex a lot and that was the last thing I wanted was to like feel like I needed to have um you know a drink before I even did that and like I'm very careful with everything else I do to make sure that I don't feel like I need it to be at the party

you know like that's when I feel like for me is the line where it's like I don't need it to be at the party. It's additive. If you're doing anything recreationally, it should be additive. It should not be necessary. And I think that for me is one of the big reasons I stopped drinking. Yeah. My thing was I just, once I started the train wouldn't stop. And so I was just like, what if I never started the train? Yeah. And that's kind of working for me. And creatively, I feel like it's created so much more space for other things and socially as well. Well, expand on that. What exactly do you mean by that? I think that when I'm not doing a set and then like coming down by having like a drink or a beer or something like that, I'm like, it leaves space for me to like continue to explore what, how it went, other jokes that I might have.

You're not just getting off and dulling and dissociating. Yeah. Yeah, because sometimes the vulnerability can be hard of the vulnerability of just like, even like those jokes didn't work. And so I'm not backing away, if that makes sense. How has both of you being sober changed the contours of your relationship now? I think socially it's different. It's, we've met so many of our friends out. Yes.

And so many of our friends do go out still and we like love them. but we're kind of just on a we're not going to be casually seeing people at like 11 p.m. Right. It's more intentional. Like my birthday. Yeah. I was there. I know.

That's what I mean. But it is like. How late did it go? Riri was there until, Reeri and Poppy were there until like 11. Okay. But it like as the sun came down, most of the main cast left.

But the thing is, you don't realize until your friend goes sober how much, like, just, like, you show up to Akbar on Friday, and there is no plan. You just know you're going to see Brendan at Akbar on Friday.

And so the maintenance of the friendship is less of a front of mind because it's like, I don't have to work that hard to see Brendan, because I know I will just see Brendan. And now I think, like, part of the reason I'm so glad we do our show is that it is an excuse to check in with you a lot. I'm so happy already doing our show again. And it is like, you know, because you famously left our group chat.

Because in fairness, the group chat is mostly about planning where we will be on the weekends. I left that group chat years ago. I know. There's still a spot available for you. Too crazy. There's too much going on. If you want to be. alerted to us starting a war with Iran while you're at a sex party in Mexico, then by God,

it is the place to be. I felt like the group chat was becoming a space for people to air their anxieties. And I have an anxious boyfriend. I was like, I'm already receiving. Yes, we're not ordering out. I have this in the fridge at home. I am already a receptacle of anxiety. I do not just need to be a receptacle of, you know, 11 queer people's.

anxieties. Of which there are rightfully a lot to be anxious about. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And especially on a group thread full of TV writers and entertainment people. It is just a big ball of neuroses. But lots of really funny memes, too. Well, speaking of your birthday, I actually brought you something. Shut up.

A gift live on air? I brought you a few different gifts. I went to our favorite gift store in West Hollywood. It's called Out of the Closet. Oh my God. Oh, my God. Now you all really have to tune in to the YouTube because just to see what I was given, a Titanic mug.

Gay guy. Gay guy. We do love to reference Titanic, which I didn't see until I was 24, 25 years old. Oh, wow. I get that. But was still able to quote most of the movie before I'd seen it because. Talk about a bad guy. A very important book.

Couldn't come. Couldn't have come at a better time becoming gay, the journey to self-acceptance. I'm still hopeful you'll get there. Someday I'll get there. It came out in 1996. 1996. Probably a lot of really fun references in there. I actually, yeah, yeah, yeah.

That is really funny because it is almost like the, even the verbiage is like, well, we don't become gay. We are gay. But like, it is just like, you know, I would love for this to be reading this. And it's still somebody who's like, well, it is a choice. I was either going to get you that or a Sue's Ormond book on money. And, you know, felt like I couldn't give Suez that resale money. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Because, of course, she's still getting residuals from when it's bought it out of the closet, a threat store.

And then finally, the piece of the resistance of the birthday gifts is a T-shirt. Cut off, thank God. Of course. Yes. You really do find the wackiest things at Out of the Closet. And of course, this would be Out of Closet and Weho. You guys, this is a Diane Warren cut off muscle tea that says hitmaker legend, pain in the ass, now on Masterclass. And listen, if I have to explain the lore of Diane Warren to you, the listener at home, then sign off now.

Talk about someone who's been on a lot of bad dates with the Oscars. Oh, yes. And she'll never win. She's the Susan Lucci of songwriters. I think she'll get there eventually. She just needs to stop fucking around with some of these Bobo movies that will never, you know, produce. Well, she's not getting like the, she's completely wasted on. She's a genius.

I agree. She's not getting the Top Gun Mavericks anymore. No. And she's always, it's always that thing of like, she's sort of, are you watching Drag Race? No. Okay. Then I won't say it. Once you go sober, you completely want to stop watching drag.

There's no reason anymore. You really do need to be on something to enjoy it. But I will say, you know, she's just, it feels like many years she's just edged out. She is second place almost every year. And if we did rank choice voting at the Oscars, she might win. I think she'd win. Bring Rank Choice voting to the Oscars before we bring it to the country. That's what I want.

I want to go back really quickly while we. We still have some time about what it's changed about your relationship. You mentioned socially it's changed a lot of things, but interpersonally between the two of you, like how has it changed the contours of your relationship? Well, I think that I was emotionally irregular when I would drink. And so I'm not throwing fire into my relationship anymore. Like I can still act out, lash out, be imperfect, but I'm not like, Mr. Jackal, Mr. hiding my relationship anymore, like with my partner and like kind of.

You're not, you're not like setting traps and throwing bombs. Right. To see, to get a reaction almost. Right. Well, not even to get a reaction to, I was like being the reaction, right? Like, I wasn't setting bombs. I, like, was the bomb, you know? You know, we'd get in these fights, and I would, like, point, you know, I'd be, like,

in my house, pissed off and be like, that's mine, that's mine. And when I leave, I'm taking it with me. It's just, like, so dramatic. And so that has allowed more, like, depth and understanding and patience to be part of our relationship. And would you say that he has been. become an easier man to love and to be in a relationship with? I think in most relationships, but I think in gay relationships, gay guys' relationship is you really trying to, your higher goal in their relationship is to help heal the broken boy

that's across from you, who the world has damaged. And so I think that it is allowed more space for me to, to, to, like help heal him and he can help heal me. That's really beautiful. I do want to point out to everyone who's listening right now, that's not necessarily your job. It is the instinct. When you are able to take on that labor, I think it's a really beautiful thing to do.

I also think there are a lot of situations like that where the labor balance is off. And so I think like, and I think if you both were still drinking, I don't know how that would work, honestly. Like if what you just described to me of being the bomb, being the explosive device, like strapping yourself with emotional C4 and heading into these fights, you would obliterate him.

You wouldn't be helping him heal, you know? Of course not. And so I think that is, you know, a huge thing for you to have realized about yourself and a really beautiful sentiment about relationships. Sweet days. Sweet days. What is a piece of advice you would give to somebody out there who is looking for love?

Is experiencing bad dates? Is feeling frustrated, burned out? What is a piece of advice you would have for them or a piece of advice you have for someone who's already in a relationship who might be struggling or dealing with a similar sort of issue that you've experienced? It can be general, too. I don't know if I can speak to single people because I... You're in a relationship and you're not allowed to speak to single people. Yeah. I feel like I got really lucky.

Same. And so that would be my advice is just keep putting yourself in positions where you might get like... Keep gambling. But in relationships, the biggest thing that I've learned is we did couples therapy and um and first off the couple's therapist was like obsessed with joe was just like so every time he'd be like i'm like joe and i'd be like well whoa and having knowing joe you need to really reexamine how you're picking your couples therapist but but we did this thing we did this uh practice with him called imago where essentially um i like if we were having a therapy

session about our comedy show. I would say something like Joel, sometimes when we're on stage, you make flippant comments about my career and it makes me feel small, which you don't do. But then you would have to say like, so what you're saying is that when we're on stage together, I make statements that sometimes make you feel small. And you have to repeat exactly what that person said and come to and then apologize, even if it's not something that you feel like you need to apologize for. Totally. And that process really helped me understand that he's understanding things about a relationship

from a completely different perspective, which makes sense, obviously, but I think that there can be an instinct to just be like, why can't you just see things exactly how I do? Yeah. Because this is annoying to have to, like, explain why I think the way I think. But I do think you kind of have to do that. Totally. And I think the response and having not only, you know, it would be one thing if the exercise was, I feel this way. And then the other person just had to apologize.

It is the second part of the second step is so important because so often I think I could hear you say, like, you make flippic comments about my computer. career that make me feel small, which again, I'd like to point out I don't do. And, you know, it's so easy sometimes in a relationship to not hear that and be like, oh, so you don't think that I'm funny. Right. Or I thought we had created an environment where we were able to do that to each other. Right. Yeah, yeah. Or it's, and it's like you're, to have to explain it back how you understand what they just said. It is such an important part of the process, because,

because we don't always hear each other, even when it seems very, very clear. And forcing the other person to articulate back exactly what they heard is a perfect, it's like, oh, you can head off the fight of the past because it's like, oh, no, no, no, no, no. That's not what I said. Like, you know, let's work, like, let's stop and have that moment where it's like, you heard me say this and you're taking away this, but that was not the intent at all. Right. It like prevents you from going like A to B.

You have to go like A to A and just kind of like put get on the same plane about like what actually someone is feeling about something that happened before you then can respond and explain yourself or whatever. So that that's been really helpful. And I think a lot of times in relationships I just have to like eat shit when I'm being like a pissy little baby. You know, like sometimes I am just being like a moody little bitch And like have to be like I need to stop being a moody bitch And then have to actually say like So for the last half hour I do want to acknowledge the fact

That I was in pissy little baby boy bitch And then have him be like Yeah, you kind of were and it was feeling It was upsetting me right? Yeah, but it's okay Yeah And you have to be humble yourself I will say back to your advice

for single people too. First of all, the advice you gave for single people is almost exactly the advice I give to people who want to break into the entertainment industry, which is... It's a numbers game. It's a numbers game, but also you can't. And the thing I'll add that I say to people who are trying to break into the entertainment industry, that is also very true for people who are single, who are looking for a partner is, you're right. It's luck. It's very luck-based. It's about getting up on stage 100 times because, you know, you never know who's going to be in the and you need to like up your odds basically. And I think dating is a very similar thing.

I don't think you need to go on 100 dates necessarily, but putting yourself in situations where you can meet new people is important. But the real thing, the linchpin, I think, of this advice, is that I always tell people you cannot make the moment happen for you. Like I got discovered at a gay bar in Portland, you know? And it's like, I never could have predicted. That's how I got my manager. My manager saw me do a 10 minute, yep, a 10 minutes spot.

Yeah. Wow. In like 2015, he saw me do. A straight guy. Yeah. Yeah. And literally when we sat down to meet after he saw me do that set, because he was, he was, you know, it wasn't a done deal. He was interested in ripping me.

And he said to me, do you have a half hour comedy spec script? Do you have a five minute TV ready set that's recorded? Do you have X? do you have, you know, Y, Z, et cetera. And because I had spent the last, you know, four or five years leading up to that, writing that script on my lunch break, forcing myself to do this work, doing everything I could to prepare for this exact moment, because I was able to look at him and say, yeah, let's fucking go.

I got it all. And I think it's the same with relationships where if you are ready, or think you're ready and are searching for a partner, not only is it about getting in the room and as many rooms and putting yourself out there and taking chances and doing things that, you know, social situations that might make you uncomfortable, but it's also doing the work on yourself so that when you do meet that person, you're ready to say, let's fucking go, you know, because so many of these people I think are so outwardly focused on like, I need to find the guy, I need to find the guy, I need to find the guy, they meet the guy and the guy's like, hey, I like you, but you are nowhere near ready to be in a relationship because of X, Y, Z about your life. So it's like, gentlemen, like, pick up all the half-used Gatorade bottles from your bedroom, get a bed frame. Ladies, like, go to therapy, make sure that, you know, like, it's just like everybody needs to be coming to the table, having done some prerequisite work in order for it to, you know, blast off. That's my take.

See, I have so many really high functioning women in my life who are struggling to meet men at this point. Most of them are based in L.A. And, you know, they own houses and they have great careers and dogs and, you know, all of these great friend groups and support systems. And they're having trouble meeting men. and I don't really know what that is. Men's? What are you up to? It's a men.

We're having a men crisis. And I will say after a year in some change of doing this podcast, women after woman have come onto this podcast to tell a bad date story where it essentially boils down to, I want a hot guy who aligns with me politically. But all the hot guys don't align with me politically to which I'm begging progressive and leftist men. You guys know there's vegan protein. Like, you can do that. Like, you, there is options here. And it's just the, the ideological. All those men are ethically not, not, right.

Yeah, exactly. But there is this golf, there is this divide that's happening between men and women where men are swerve enough to the right and women are swerveen off to the left. And that, I think, is one of the main issues, is especially, the woman you described on paper with a great job, a house, and a great supportive group of friends is just not going to be appealing. to these right wing nut jobs, you know? And it's like... Well, and I think sometimes that person is like,

I now have all my ducks in a row. I'm a high functioning woman. And now I'm ready to add someone to my life. Yeah. And the thing about adding someone to your life is like, it... Your life will be completely changed. You know, like a boyfriend is not like another dog.

Nope. Even if they, like, struggle to clean themselves up. Like they, it's going to fuck up your life. Yeah. So if you have a sense of stasis, you might become in unstableized by dating. Yeah. Because your cup is full and you're like, the cup is so full, I'm ready for a boyfriend. But the boyfriend is additional liquid that will overflow out of the already full cup.

So you better take a second. Sippy, sippy, sippy, sippy. Slurpe it. Make some space in the mug, sister. I think a lot of gay guys are like that too Especially the older we get Like so many are really high You know the Velvet Rage

High functioning in so many ways Making more money than ever And feeling Trying to make up for Feeling great about their bodies Working out nonstop Partying Doing all of these things more and more

And then But But then to be like slightly invalidated By like a guy being like I don't want to go on a third day date with you. It can completely derail that. Oh, it demolishes people. And I've been there. Oh, same, same, same, same. Very much same. Um, three months before I'm at J.M. I, I, you know me. You've known me for a long time. I was not a dater. I was not somebody who was

going on a lot of dates. I was going on a lot of parties, rendezvous and things. Bush. Bushes. Um, but like I said, I was like, and it was because I knew this about myself, I had no room. I was grinding. I was doing shows every night. I was also working a day job. I was also doing all these things. And then at 33 was the moment I was like, actually, I think I have room now. And so I'm ready to send out into the universe, bring him. And I think that a lot of people who think they're ready and are like sending out the call to the universe, like, I'm ready. I'm ready. Where is he? It's like, take a look at your life. Do you even have room for one? Right. You know, maybe he's not coming because you have not. You've turned, where would you put him? Right. You know?

Especially if one of your main priorities is either your career or some sort of creativity. Like, I previously, like in my mid-20s was just like there's no way a boyfriend is going to come in the way of like me having like the career success I'm looking for. 100%. And yeah. And you weren't going to date another actor. No. Oh, my goodness. I really can't believe this.

A nightmare landscape. Brendan Scannell, this has been such a great conversation. I love you so much. Love you. Dearest one of my life. Just a couple of questions before we leave you, though, that I ask all of my guests on this podcast, which is, first one is a pop culture related question, which is, is there a moment, a couple, a scene, a movie in general, or a television show, a song lyric, anything from

pop culture that in your mind you point to you and say that is love that is the model that is what you that triggered in me like if it doesn't feel like that then I don't want it I've been thinking about this and for me like the great the I all my favorite couples in pop culture are from dating show dating reality like I fundamentally do believe that reality TV is like a great conduit either for love or for like an audience to meet like a Tiffany Pollard for all of us to fall in love with the latter I can agree with the former I don't know the data the data backs you up but who are you talking about who who are some of your inspo's um oh well I'm a big love island like Stockholm syndrome person and so I think a lot about traders by the way yeah yes morea good for

your good for your community it was huge for me yeah and I actually people didn't get Rob. I watched his season. I was like, I love Rob, huge Rob fan. But I love Olds, Love Island, UK. They used to be able to smoke cigarettes. People would enter the island, non-smokers, and they would leave smokers. It was so beautiful. I mean, I guess it did some good. But there was this one woman in season three, and her name was Camilla, and she was a bomb diffuser in the Army in the United Kingdom. And she entered the villa with so many walls from her career as a bomb diffuser. And she couldn't meet a guy.

It wasn't working for her. And then, like, four weeks in, a bombshell entered the villa. And now they are married and have two children. Wow. How long has it been? It's been probably seven or eight years. And if they're not together, I don't want to know. I often, I'm a love as blind girlie.

And I do. That one's weird. Every single fucking day. That one is weird. Every single fucking day I look up who's still together, who's making it work. And the thing is, is every single couple that has made it work from Love is Blind invalidates the premise of Love is Blind because it, like the windows, the like the shades open and they're both completely physically compatible, the hottest people you've ever seen alive.

And it's like, well, sure, love might have been blind, but like they may have fallen in love without seeing each other, but they certainly wouldn't have stayed in love if they weren't horny for each other. That's beautiful. That's a beautiful answer. And then finally, Brendan, what is making you believe in love this week? I'm going to tell you what, Joel, I actually don't believe in love this week. It's a tough one. People are breaking up. We did our show. We talked to people in the audience at the beginning of the show, just being like, what's going on with you? What's a problem you're going through? Both people going through breakups. My gay, doctor just ended his marriage of over 15 years.

Something's in the air. Something's in there. It's happening earlier than usual. Someone in our friend group, former, you know, they're breaking up after many years. You're going to have to tell me after the show. Yeah, no, no, no. No, my God, is it someone really close to me? No.

And, like, I was just at this wedding and, like, I saw an old friend and he was like the last time I was actually bleep that out. The last time, you know, I was, you know, here was when I was married and now I'm, we just got divorced and like it does feel like something's in the air. Hide your wife, hide your husband. Yeah. Don't get in a little fight because your partner might be thinking about ending things and you just need to ride out the next six weeks. No. Yeah.

I recently, I'm still, I think I'm good. I think we're good for a minute. I think we, we, they skated in under the wire and we're in the new. cycle of relationships that will last forever. We didn't get together or get married in the time when there was this apparently countdown clock happening for these couples. Really? Like from the planets or something?

You know, I'm not going to be the one to say it, but here we are. Brendan Scannell, thank you so much for joining me. This was a great hang, and I hope people got something out of it. where can people find you And what are you doing these? On Instagram at B-Scan I am Joel Kimbooster This has been the show

If you liked what you heard Please give us a rating and review Five stars only If you leave anything less than five stars Then I think you need to really consider Why? Why would you do that? Is it because you feel some kind of way about

Like I'm not going to say It's racism Or homophobia but it's something I would rather you not leave the four-star review and consider that. Take a few days to consider that and then come back and

leave a five-star review. That's all I'm saying. Listen, if you guys have any questions, comments, concerns, advice you'd like the podcast to answer, please email us at baddatespod at gmail.com. Someone's reading it and I will see you next week on another episode of

Bad Dates. Bye-bye. Bad Dates is a production of Smartless Media created by Robert Cohen. Executive producers are Robert Cohen and Stuart Bailey. Produced, edited and engineered by Devon Torrey Bryant. Produced by Anne Harris. Edited by Kyle McGrath. Associate producer is Maddie McCann. Social media producer is Tommy Galgana. Executive producers are Sean Hayes, Will Arnett, and Jason Bateman. Executive producers for smartless media are Richard Corson and Bernie Kaminsky. Music by Kushi and Evan Schleather. If you've had a bad date or would like our advice on any dating issues, please tell us about it at baddatespod at gmail.com or call us at 984-265-3283.

That's 984-265-3283. That's all for this week. We will be back for more.