Bad Dates with Jameela Jamil - Speed Dates: Newlyweds Special! (w/ Justin Martindale)

Episode Date: March 2, 2026

On an all-new Speed Dates episode, host Joel Kim Booster sits down with hilarious fellow newlywed Justin Martindale to compare notes on their respective weddings, and they GET INTO IT: everything from arguing with officiants, to who gets invited (and disinvited), unplanned plus ones, competing vows, lesbian alarms, and also the time Joel saw Megan Fox fix her hair in the reflection of a steak knife. Plus: Celine Dion talk, and why Joel should get a dog.   Subscribe to our YouTube Channel for video clips and full episodes.  Merch available at SiriusXMStore.com/BadDates.   Joel Kim Booster: Scrubs Season 10, Psychosexual, Fire Island, Loot Season 3 Justin Martindale: @justinmartindale on Insta, Just Sayin’ podcast, on tour this year! Subscribe to SiriusXM Podcasts+ to listen to new episodes of Bad Dates ad-free. Start a free trial now on Apple Podcasts or by visiting siriusxm.com/podcastsplus. Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

Bad dates. Speed dates. Hello, hello, hello, and welcome to another episode of Bad Dates. This is a special edition, a speed date episode. Now, normally here on Bad Dates, we talk about, you guessed it, bad dates with our guests, but today I'm slowing things down. I'm getting one-on-one. I'm going deep with just one special person, former guests of the show.

Joining me today is a writer, comedian, host of the Just, same podcast. He's performed on Hulu, MTV, and E. It's my good friend Justin Martindale. Hello. So good to see you. Welcome, welcome, welcome. How are you doing, sir? I'm good. You know, things are great. Back in my life and very invested in the Olympics. Really? You're an Olympics gay. Yeah. I think this is like, it's hitting me differently now that, you know, I'm married. It's hitting you differently. Well, let's get into it. Ladies and gentlemen, Justin, and I share a very special bond because we both got married in 2025. Freshly newlyweds. Hello.

Yeah, I'm actually dying to talk to you about it. What, if anything, has changed for you since being married? In the few months that you've been married. No, nothing's like changed. Right. Nothing's changed at all. We just got our wedding pictures back. Oh, wow.

And those are great. So we actually went through those like last week, actually. And there's a lot of them. And it was just, it was nice. It was just great to see like how Because I don't, I mean, I'm sure you were, I had bruises on my arm from being just dragged. It's the most overwhelmed.

It's the most loved I've ever felt and the most stressed I've ever felt about feeling loved. They were just like, now we need you here. Over here, over here. It's crazy. The thing about wedding photos too is we got a few back ourselves, not all of them. And they are the only photos I return to look at. Like I am not somebody who enjoys seeing photos like other people's photos or even my photos. I don't take a lot of photos.

Don't get me started with concert photos. Oh, my God. No, you know what's the bigger sin for me? What? Stop taking videos of fireworks displays. Have you ever been scrolling on Instagram and seen somebody's recording of a fireworks display and said, oh, better pause here? I bet I'll get the full experience of this fireworks display through your shitty iPhone camera. It's like, can we have one thing?

Because at least with concert footage. sometimes you might want to see Beyonce again. Just a clip. You know? Maybe. I guess. There's music. Or is it blue ivy?

I can't tell these days. It's impossible to know. I know. But I just think like I have gone past a concert video and been like, what is Maggie Rogers up to in this video? I got to know. She's playing a guitar. She's waltzing around stage.

It's not much, but I paused to watch it. But it's artistry. But it's artistry. Fireworks? Baby, if you've seen one fireworks display, you've seen them all. They are not innovating in that space. No. They gave up.

You know what I do love? We need to ante up. Like, stop recording the fireworks. Start recording the LED, like, drones. Oh, yeah. Because that's cool. I will say they eat fireworks up. They eat fireworks up.

And I hate to say that because, you know, obviously I am someone who's anti-technology. But the way they can make anything with a drone these days. It's crazy. It's boots the house down drone. It's boots the house down drones. Possible title of that. I and the things you're seeing we're seeing come out of Korea. Complementary. Yes. It is the drone shows. It's really like to say we're the greatest country in the world and then to compare our drone shows to Koreas. I mean, is what are we even doing? It's just delusion. Did you have any sort of big theatrical display at your wedding, fireworks. Maggie Rogers

showed up. It was so wild. She just, you know, had her guitar and kind of walked across the stage. She'll take stage time anywhere. No, I mean, it was just very chill. It was funny because I was,

I was trying to think, um, I mean, we had like a lot of greenery, not like marijuana, like, like, like firms and, yeah, yeah, yeah.

And a lot of people, it was very like, it was a very southern gentlemanly, like Tennessee Williams haunted mansion vibe. Love that. Love that. So it looks like,

like people were like, we could have been anywhere. We could have been in Orleans. We did it here in L.A. Oh, wow. Yeah, people were like, we could have been in South Carolina. We could have been. There were so many places we could have been in Los Al. It sounds like the set of a Real Housewives reunion is what it sounds like.

It sounds like they went to, their cast trip was New Orleans. And the reunion was then meant to reconstruct that cast trip. At the hurricane bar. Yeah, it was very much like they were like Spanish tile and found. mountains and indoor outdoor. It's the venue right next to Dynasty Typewriter over there on Wilshire. The Korean Baths? Maybe.

Okay. We really gussied it up. Yeah, yeah. I mean, it was just family and friends. It was looking back, like just seeing how all of our, both of our worlds just kind of merged. It's just really cool. It really is. I think it's the best part.

It was like an early thing in our relationship. The first time we had people over to the house and it was a mix of his. friends and my friends and you just sort of stand back and watch two people intersect who are from different universes and you're like it's like the fucking like dc marvel crossover it's like batman shouldn't be speaking to wolverine but here they are and it's the most amazing feeling in the world and the wedding is that times 10 oh it was it was fantastic did you i mean there was we we definitely felt the pressure a couple days going in there was um we did have a uh i got into a little bit of a altercation with the

person marrying us. Oh, the efficient. Yes. Who was my husband's, like, dear friend. And the night before, we all went out for like a family dinner. We went to El Coyote. And they put Everclear in their margaritas,

allegedly, but I think it was ever clear. And maybe a little bit of bleach. And we just kind of crossed over. All of that. the whole party. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And so it was when it was raining.

And so we were stressed out about like, oh, my God, it's going to rain. But that means good luck. Shut up, right? And I was locked out of the house with my mom, who's 73 years old because I had lost my keys that day. My husband had a flat tire in Beverly Hills. Like, it was one of those things. And this is the day before the wedding?

This was the day before the rehearsal. Got it. And so, like, I was standing in the rain with my mom. I'm like, well, here we are. I'm locked out and standing in the rain with my mom and she's getting pneumonia. And so I like call my husband. I'm like, I need you to come home now

because we are locked out. So he shows up and I'm like, babe, take your time. Like I'm just, you know, just flooded here with my mom. And the official was like, don't talk to him like that. Oh? She's like, no, you don't need. And I'm like, oh, no, no, mama, mama.

You're in my home right now. Unfortunately, too late in the process for you to act up like that. Like, we're about to get married. Oh, yeah. Like, my best friend was our efficient, my best friend since high school. And she gets along with J.M. Great. But I will say that, like, both his best friend and my best friend, if we're pretty good, we don't get snippy or fight normally in public.

But they all know that their involvement would only be a detriment because we don't need the backup. No. Not in that moment. No. Not from you. Right. This is not the time. Also, you're in our place right now.

Like, door was opened. We came in. And you don't know how we talk to each other. Like, I was upset, but I'm not like. You're not inside of the relationship. Right. And so I was just kind of like, all right, you know, my mom's, my mom goes to bed. She's down the hallway.

And now the two of us are like screaming at each other in the living room. And I'm like, no, I'm like, you need to, you need to go. And was it? And she goes, you go. And I'm like, what? I live here. Oh, my God. Now, was the timbre of the voice a little bit like, don't talk to him that way?

You need to go. Yeah. Yeah. It was that drunk, white girl, you know, that. It is interesting. And like best, besties, you know, best, best, best, whatever. So the next day, I had to reach out. I had to reach out and be like, let's squash this.

I'm not going to make it weird. you're literally going to be marrying us, that kind of stuff. And we did, we did. But I was just like... That's good. That is good. See, I don't drink. I am not California sober,

Bushwick sober, which means I do everything but drink. Substance... Everything? But like, part of it is because I really cannot be around drunk people, especially now that I'm not drunk anymore. Right. I find it very difficult to experience someone who is blackout drunk. Oh, and

these unprecedented times, everyone is blacked out. No, and it is like the worst one to do the worst substance to do too much of. Like, you know, because weed and other, and like a downer you know, ketamine, it's like,

you're sort of just sit, you know, in a chair. You're in a chair. You're not bothering anybody. Sure, we might have to move you around like, weekend at Bernies a couple times to get to, from the next club to the next club, but that's fine. Yeah. I would much rather have that than my dumbass friend getting so drunk, he pulls a flat screen off the TV, or off the flat screen off

the wall in the bar, and we are asked to leave. That happened. And this is definitely real. And this is, definitely real. And this friend is the one who is the most judgmental about anything illegal that I put into my body. They say, it's illegal for a reason. And I go, it's, you. You know, Do you know why alcohol is legal and this stuff isn't? Let me tell you, there's a, there's a lot of reasons, and it's not to do with the safety or efficacy of, or like, you know, it's just so hypocritical to me, like, drinkers who are judgmental about other people's behavior, when, especially the ones who get blackout drunk. Yeah. I got racially profiled from a drunk the other day. It was kind of fun.

That must have been thrilling for you. It was really exotic. Now, for those watching at home, not watching at home, Justin is white. He, oh, I don't know. You could be Brazilian. They can look like anything. Hashtag could be Brazilian. Yeah.

No, well, it was like this drunk guy, same thing, at the table with a bunch of my friends. And there's that one guy who we don't even know just starts coming up to the table. Hey, you guys. And we're like, okay, cool. Okay, got it. Keeps going, keeps going. And I'm just staring at him. Like, go away.

And he's like, are you American? And I'm like, oh, here we go, bitch. I'm like, yeah. Yeah, I am American. Yeah. And he goes, well, I looked at him and the gay ego kicked in and I was like, well, what did you think I was? And he was like, well, you could be like, I guess Brazilian or Eastern European or, you know, he keeps going. And I'm like, are you trying to fuck?

Like, that's like, what's happening here? Why is the 23 and me going on live in front of you? But I was like, I am 6% Turkish. So. Ooh. Ooh. I even know. But it is.

You never got to the bottom of why he was asking you these questions? No, he was just drunk and like, I don't know. It was very, very strange. That is, and that is the worst. There's a bar. The blackout drunk. There's a bar in New York called the Exley. Shout out to the Exley.

Love the Exley. It is a small-ish bar with a nice outdoor, like, sort of patio space. It's a very much of fun neighborhood gay bar to go to in New York if you're in Brooklyn. But the problem with it being so small is, and inevitably you go there. And this is such a catch-22 for their situation. There's that single person at the bar who's gone to the bar themselves or was possibly left at the bar themselves, by themselves. And has drank so much that will do anything in their power to glom on to your group and your conversation. But the unfortunate thing is, is maybe an hour ago when they were sober, we would have welcomed a new addition and welcomed them with open arms.

But they have, in order to get the courage to approach a strange group of people, they have drank themselves into a blackout. And now are the most annoying person you've ever met in your life. And you want them dead. Yeah. Immediately. And there's always, there's always just one there. And it is unique to that bar experience. Because so many other bars are so big, there's five of them, but they're easy to avoid, you know.

but on a small bar it really is you're you know shoulder to shoulder with strangers and they will find their end and then there's always

the actually I have a really funny story about this there's also the people who get banned from the bars but yet

they still hang out outside have you seen those I have not encountered this I have this was probably like a week or two

ago my husband had this like kind of like a corporate event and they rented out the patio at gym bar

now I say patio at gym bar bar like it's it's not it's just a long strip of sidewalk with a fence around anything any excuse to be outdoors yeah anything just a nice little like right on the boulevard and um we're outside and i go inside and grab a drink come back outside and there's this like are we still saying unhoused sure okay unhoused person who is kind of like just really like kind of going through it and kind of like looks like they might be tweaking a little bit right and i see the this person, I'm like, all right, I'm just going back this way out onto the patio, and they're on

the sidewalk. So they're not in, they're right there on the corner, right? And the guy's mumbling to me, and I look over and I'm like, do I know you? And he's like, hey, man, he gives me a fist bump. And I'm like, okay, Purell, Purell, Purell, and I'm like, oh, yeah, I hooked up with this guy like 15 years ago. Oh my. Like, probably longer than that. But I was like, wow, and he just kind of kept mumbling, and I'm just kind of like taking it all in, like, whoa, this guy's like... Was he going places when you hooked up with him?

I mean, I don't... I mean, I went to his place. Oh, so there was a turn at some point. There was a turn at some point, and I guess there was like a lot of being banned, but here's where it got, like, magical. So I'm like, I talked to him, and I'm like, hey, and of course, I'm like, how is everything?

Obviously, it's good, but that's all that came to my head at the time. Tough question to ask somebody in that situation, for sure. And he goes, still the biggest dick I've ever seen. And I'm like, still got it. Wow. Picked up a spoon, clunked the glasses. Like, did everyone here? Wow.

And he didn't, that wasn't a, lost his home. Wasn't, he wasn't saying that because he thought maybe you wouldn't give him some money or some assistance. I'm not going to give him money. I will hold my head high and take that back into the group. I would love to think that you actually didn't hook up with this man. this is just his scheme. This is his grift on... That of just a whore.

He's like, you won't remember me. On the WeHo strip. He's just like, he throws... You know, he gets a lot of people saying like, fuck off, I definitely didn't. But every now again, it's a numbers game. You will hit a big enough whore that they'll be like, sure, I guess I did.

Yeah. I, you know, I do have the biggest dick we've ever seen. Yeah. And then here's five dollars. Let me get you a soft serve, you know? Steve, have you been. That could easily happen. It was kind of a trip, though.

I was like, whoa. It is like there are those moments in your life where you have these like sliding doors moments. I have it all the time because like as someone like I, you know, I volunteer a lot with CILA who is a, they are a neighborhood homelessness coalition. And the thing about the unhoused community and especially in L.A. is like people think they're all like that guy. They're all visible. And because the people who are are tend to be like the most mentally ill or addicts or whatever. But the lion's share of unhouse people in the city are, you'd never know. No.

Because they're charging their phone and they're going to have a job. That's my biggest pet people. Going to the gym. When people are like, oh, they need to get a job. And I'm like, baby, they do. Many of them do. And unfortunately in this country, a job don't mean shit anymore in terms of getting a house. But you fucked that guy.

you have a big dick. Congratulations. I mean, not recently. It was a while back, but yeah. So it's not, maybe not as big a. But didn't have a home, didn't have... And your dick was top of mind. Yeah, exactly.

He didn't ask for food or money. He said, give me that hog. Alexa, play I'll remember by Madonna. Sweet days. Sweet days. Was planning the way? wedding easy for you guys. You know what? It was a little bit of both. I kind of gravitated towards the whole decorative part of it, which I had a blast doing. Like I was like picking out, you know,

colors and fabrics and seating. Did you have a planner? Yeah, we had a planner. Amazing planner. She was great ex-o weddings. Go to it. Love that. Love that. The hard part was just kind of like the pricing of it all because I mean, everything's $5,000. And Caitlin Wright. Shout out, Caitlin Riley told me that because she was getting married. I think she actually got married in September of last year. And she was like, everything's $5,000. And I was like, okay, Caitlin. And then I knew.

I'm like, yes, it is. It really is, at minimum. Yeah. And did you, what was the biggest thing you had a conflict with your partner over while planning the wedding, your husband? If you had any at all. We didn't. See, neither did we. We didn't have any.

I mean, it was all, I mean, I, I trusted him taking the reins. he trusted me taking the reins, and then we would go into our meetings. This is the piece of advice we got before going into planning our wedding that I really came back, circled back to, is that somebody told us like, hey, before you have the fight,

take a step back, and really examine, do you care about the thing that you're about to fight about? Because something about planning a wedding really tricks you into thinking you care about shit, you have never cared about before in your entire life.

And there were several moments where I'm not the aesthetic visual person that he is. And so I had a moment where I remember the first time I paused and did this was like, wait, I don't care what the napkins look like. Oh, yes. That's never something that I've ever thought about. If you have a strong idea, go with God, babe. Like, I trust you. And I trust that even if I hate the napkins, you know where those are going to go?

In the fucking trash. Yeah. So, like, who cares? Yeah. And people were like giving, they were saying, you got to put your face on the napkin. You got to make a personalized napkin. And I was like, for what reason? A personalized napkin?

Yeah. One of my friends was like, you're getting a personalized napkin? And that is the psychosis of wedding planning. Wait, like, is like the napkin that's on the plate at the, your face on that napkin? Or the cocktail napkins or like. Oh, we had our dog on the cocktail napkins. And see many people do. That was cute.

I got hit by the Instagram. And they get you every time. They got me. And I was like, yeah. We had a specialty cocktail named after our dog. I love that. It was adorable. That's not the only gay wedding.

I've been to a gay wedding that has done that exact thing. It's the best. And, you know, dogs are powerful. Did you have any, so you had, was it all like friends or mainly family or mixed with both? It was his mom, dad, sister, and cousin and her husband and daughter. And that was the only family represented at the wedding. My family did not come. It is not a dramatic situation.

it's just, you know, I've closed the gap and we have met about as close in the middle as we're going to get. And they're lovely to my husband when I bring him home. But marriage is the line. And quite frankly, I was a little relieved because I did not have to manage my mother's expectation of my wedding. Yeah. You know, which I know he was doing a little bit of that day. But I was just like, oh, I can just let loose and have fun and not worry about like if the music is offensive. to her or if she's like, you know, sitting too long or what people say in their speeches, none of that.

I didn't have to worry about any of it. So it was, it was mostly friends. And it's funny because I think I told you this, we got married the day before New Year's Eve because it was just like the safest time for me to plan without some work thing coming up. A few of the gay guys we invited. It was, it was so predominantly gay guy heavy at our wedding. And they, a couple of them were like, oh, it's going to be on New Year's, but um, wow, we wanted to go to Rio. And, um, and my thing was, especially as we got into the planning was, baby, if you want to go to Rio, go to Rio, fucking Rio. If you'd rather be getting your back blown out in Rio, then be at my wedding. I don't need to spend $150 for a plate of food for you. Is that why you said I look for Zogun? Yeah. But the thing was is there were so many

gay guys there. I was like, babe, if you wanted to hook up, there's a, you know, we practically had a dark room at our wedding. So, what is that? A dark room? Yeah. Yeah. Like a place you go to have sex? At your wedding? Really, that's a joke. This is not a Christian service. We did. We did have the tactile dome at the Exploratorium,

which is a sensory deprivation obstacle course that you can go through where it's flat. Well, that just sounds like a marriage. And you have to touch the person, you have to sort of grab hold of the person in front of you and it's so scary. But it did feel a little bit like a dark room. Okay, that makes sense.

No one hooked up in there, to my knowledge, thank God, if the Exploratorium is listening. It's so funny because we, got married the weekend of that Wicked 2 came out. Wow. And people were like, and I'm like, I'm sorry. Wait, wait, wait. If Elfaba and Glinda are more important than our friendship, like yours is like, oh yeah, New Year's Eve. We had a couple people who were like, oh, that's like right before Thanksgiving and I'm like, so you have no plans. So you have no plans and say fuck off to your family

that is one time you're an adult. You know my favorite part, like getting closer to the day, I was, I was, I was this bitch. Oh. Oh, it was my, I was just, and I was making a scissors, like cutting motion.

People don't understand until they start planning a wedding. No. The minute those nose start coming in or the change of RSBVs coming in, it's like, I love you, would have to have you. They're so relieved you're not going to be there.

I'm so glad you're not coming now. This is such a relief to me. Yeah. Because it just like, you, you think you aim for a number and you just have no conception. And it really does like put in perspective of like, I don't need, I didn't need anybody there but him. Yeah. You know, I wanted people there, certainly, and it would have enriched the experience. But already, we had 160 yes. You know how many

of them I talked to for more than a brief moment? Like, not very many. Yeah. And it was sweet. And I'm so glad for me the wedding was so much about being able to stand in front of those people and like I've said this before but like you know how when you tell someone you're writing a book and then like suddenly you kind of have to write the book now because they're going to approach you at some point and be like how's the book going and you'll be humiliated if you say oh oh fuck I forgot I told you that that to me was sort of what our vows were it's I'm going to stand in front of all of these people and say I'm writing a book I am going to commit to this person and do the work to make sure that I stay committed to this person for the rest of my life.

And now all of you are in on it. Witnesses. Keeping me accountable. And doing, and like, it's a community. And we did a little ring warming where we, like, passed our rings and people, like, held them and sort of, like, imbued them with good energy. And it was really. Oh, that's cool. Because, like, we kept, we, I don't know if you struggled with this.

We were at many points after we got engaged, or even before we got engaged, sort of like, do we get married? Why? What would that be for? And then we sort of, like, do we get courtroom married? Do we have a wedding reception and nothing else? And, you know, he's a little bit more traditional. And I think for his mother's sake, especially, she really tipped the scales in the favor of a wedding.

But when I really sat down and thought about it, that was the part for me that was the most important, was like saying all that shit in front of the people who are most important to me outside of our relationship. And that feels like the most significant. And then just to throw a nice party that they can all enjoy too. Oh, we had a blast. We had a blast.

We did have a couple, because we had a lot of family come. And thank God we both have supportive family, which was great. And I never, you know, I talk about this on stage now where, you know, I'm working it out on stage like, oh, yeah, I'm married now and talking about it. And we're just very, very lucky. We're both from the South. We have a very supportive family. There were some people who didn't come, but at the end of the day, we were like, oh, no, they can't be here.

All right, we're still having it. and everyone had a blast. Everyone was like, this was the most beautiful wedding we've ever been to. And I'm like, on God. And then,

but it was funny, like, mixing the gays with the family because, because the gays would, you know, it's an open bar. Yeah.

And some of them are like, you know, doing their own thing. They were like going up to the piano player and being like, can you play, padam,

padam by Kylie Minogue? And they're like, what? Like, what, this is a piano. This is in a DJ booth. Or like having my straight friends interact with some of the gay friends, one of the gay friends went up to them. And they told me this.

They were like, oh, yeah, I haven't seen him in forever. And I asked him how he was doing it dinner. And it was like, oh, well, girl, I got railed by three Gemini's last night. And I'm like, oh, no, not three Geminides. Oh, my God. Were there a lot of comics at yours? I had some. Yeah.

I mean, the interesting thing about comics. is that I love them. They mean well. I support them. But I had asked several of them if they would come. I asked some of them to actually officiate the wedding. And it was like the majority of the responses that I got were, I don't know where I'm going to be.

And I'm like, what? I'm like, this is in November. It's like January. Right. And they're like, I don't know. And I'm like, just. What, you think you're going to? you get a fucking guest spot at stand-up New York and you can't make it?

Like, babe, if you're on a tour, that's booked out months in advance. And I had a comic friend of mine who had shows that weekend cancel them to come to my wedding. So that was interesting. I mean, but, you know, some of them sent gifts. Some of them did not. And, you know, it was just kind of like, I don't think it's a lot to ask. I actually had a friend of mine cancel because she was actually working. working that night. She was, she was a writer for a show on TV and she was coming, but then she's

like, I can't, that's our rap party. I'm so sorry. I'm not, I'm so bummed. And then she walks in, like, at the dinner and she's like, hi, I'm like, you made it. She's like, oh, yeah, I left the party to be here. I'm like, and see, that's the real one. The real people show up for you. No, they really do. And, you know, I, I just think it's kind of lame to, to be like, well, I, you know what? I, I don't know where I'm going to be. I don't know where I'm going to be is for like a pickleball game that somebody is asking you to play in a two weeks time. Like that is not for, like you don't say that to a wedding. You say yes or no.

Yes or no. And you know what now I know to never invite you anywhere ever again. Did you have this happen? What? This is so fun. Did anyone bring a plus one who did not have a plus one? No, but yes. Interesting.

Because somebody didn't mind. Okay, and what happened? Well, and the thing is, is this person might even be listening to the podcast right now. And I want to tell you, dear one, I love you. You are a friend for life. Otherwise, you wouldn't have been at my wedding. I find you to be, to my eyes, an experience, very normal, very socially adept. Do I know this person?

I probably not. Okay, good. And then to show up at the well, party with a guy who no one is quite sure the relationship between them. And I thought, oh, he brought him to the welcome party. He's like, yeah, I'm in town with that. Bleep that. Oh, my God. Bleep that. But, and I was like, that's fine. It's the welcome party. You know, like, the more the merrier. It just got closer and closer. And I thought to myself, he's not going to bring this person to the wedding, right? Certainly not. And then from where we were held before, like, me and the wedding party and stuff, there were windows down where you could see where all the guests were arriving and where they were being held before they were led into the ceremony space. And sure enough, there he was. And my planner is amazing. A fucking rock star.

I texted her. I was like, figure this out. You know, two people had to drop because of COVID. So there was extra food. But I'm like, what do you think when you walk into the reception? And you see everybody's name assigned to a table. and there is no name for the plus one you did not have when you are SVP. And you have the gall to just be like, it'll be fine.

Yeah. And again, this person is a normal person. This person isn't a freak. This is the first freak behavior, I would say, I have observed from them. And to say nothing either. To notice that, to notice your date's name isn't on the seating chart. does not have did not get to choose a meal just gets whatever the person who is who who who who canceled got to eat you don't say one thing to me the rest of the weekend like hey you know did he

say anything to you that night nope I mean he said congratulations like the you know is he still talking to that person I don't know probably not I don't know I had an instance where um my thing was like the plus ones like if they were in my party and they were like single and they were like can I bring somebody. I was like, of course, bring, you know, but make sure that I'm cool with them. Right. I don't want to babysit anybody. Like, I was like, I swear to God, if one of you guys just start pissing in a bush, like, gone. Like, if you can't, if you throw up out, like, if you cannot get it together for one night. Our SPBG deadline was November, and I said you have to be in love by August. Because you're not taking some three-date hinge date to my wedding. Like, you have to

lock it down and say, I love you. By August. And then we can talk about a plus one. Happy Valentine's Day. Sweet days. Sweet days. There was a friend of ours who, we were all out. This was like right around like the cake cutting part, right?

And I look over and I see somebody that I'm like, I did not unwrite this person. But also, I know this person. and why do I know this person? Because this person is a registered nurse and checked my balls when I had a physical. And now that person is dating one of my friends who came to my wedding. And I did not know this. And I'm like, why is the doctor who checked my balls? This is a hippod disaster.

Here. Here I am in a tuxedo. I'm looking good. And the whole time I'm looking at this guy just fondling my nuts. And there's my husband. Am I cheating already? what's happening. That's crazy.

Yeah. And so I was like, and also didn't even say hi. That's, it was so weird. Like didn't come up and like say, oh my God, congratulations. Yeah, have you been? Nothing. Just stood in the corner. And I asked, bless you, I asked the friend about it.

And I was like, who is that? He's like, oh, yeah, that's the guy I'm seeing. And I'm like, well, why was he there? He's like, oh, he came to pick me up. And I'm like, oh. What? Okay, so, you know, beep, beep, beep from the car. Beep from the car don't come in.

Five minutes and then you're off to your next ride. Yeah. Didn't even offer you an exam. Nothing. A free wedding night exam? No lumps, but just check. You know? Did anything go massively wrong during your wedding that you are aware of?

Not massively. Okay. But as a performer, I was doing my vows and a phone was dropped on the hardwood floor. from a friend of ours and the look that shot from my eyes like I looked and I went great, cool. There was that, but I mean, it's a phone drop, whatever, but I was still like, can you put it away?

Why is it even out? Why is it even out? And then there was an instance when we started the catering staff, you could hear them talking on the other side of the wall and so I'm just standing there and I'm hearing it it wasn't a big deal I just know that I was like

my best man was just like do you want me to say anything and I was just like no and I just shot my like wedding planner a look and I was like you know tell him to shut up and it got quiet but nothing I don't think anybody

made a fool of themselves during my vows a phone alarm went on No. Which at the time, I was like, if this is some motherfucker's G-timer, going off in the middle of my goddamn wedding ceremony, I will slit their throat. What alarm was it? It was a lesbian's alarm to take her medication that she had forgotten she had said. And in that case, acquitted.

You know, I can't, she's got too much going against her already. I can't come down. I can't bring the hammer down on her. She needed to remember to take a medication and she's a lesbian. Of course she's setting timers for that. But lesbians don't need alarms. They can check the sun. Yeah, it's true.

They're good at that. It's true. They know time from the shadows of the trees on the yard. Exactly. You know? The angles. What alarm sound was it? Do you remember?

It was, I mean, I don't know if you have this framework of reference, but it was the classic G-Queen, like, standard alarm, like, timer. Yeah. But it's like, didn't. miss the beat. I will say the other only disaster for me was that my husband who is not a writer or performer bodied me in terms of the vows.

Now my vows were great. I will say my vows were great but I think in part because people's expectations were so much lower for him because obviously like I'm a comic, I'm a writer, this is what I do you know, I write amazing monologues and then like you know and he was so neurotic about it too

because he was like well you have to go second like I can't like, oh, I'm going to have to, like, was really nervous about it. And like, his were so funny. He kept saying, I hope I've never felt this way about any of your performances, but I do hope you bomb this. Oh, good. In a fun, jockey way. Yes.

It was laugh line after laugh line. It made me cry. It was so good. And people just kept coming up to us all night being like, oh my God, champ, your vows were so good. Jules, yours were good, too. But, you know. Thanks, guys. I get a little offensive with him where they were,

some of the tenor of the compliments was like, we didn't know you were capable of something like that. And he was like, well, fuck my drag then. Thank you. We went, we, uh, I went first in the rehearsal and I was a mess. And that was the rehearsal. I was like, uh, couldn't do it. And then the day of, uh, Evan was like,

I'll go first. And I'm like, yeah, you go first. And, uh, just, I was just watching just the tears rolling out. And I was like, It was so good. But the big shocker of all the speeches was my sister. My sister ate it up. And mind you, my sister had nothing prepared.

She winged it? She winged it. That is? And it was flawless. It was epic. That's a one in ten chance of that ever happened. It was like one, like my sibling's speeches were like, great. My brothers was fantastic at the rehearsal dinner. My sisters at the ceremony was just

like, damn. Like, I wanted her to like Shiblam on the floor like after she was done. You know, it was so good. So, so good. That's so fun. I, um, the only one time, speaking of impromptu speeches that shouldn't have gone well but did. I was at a time like next 100 dinner event, something. And it was a bunch of people, some more famous than others, and we were all on this list. And then some of us were tapped to give speeches. And they could be it to anything. And they had to, they wanted them to be sort of abstract. Like, I gave us a toast to all the women who made me gay when I was growing up. So, like, all of the, like, women I watched on TV and the actresses that, like, really made me gay. Some of them were in the room. It was really cute. I was sitting at the same table as Machine Gun Kelly. And Megan Fox, actually. By the way, Megan Fox sat directly across from me, sat down at the table, picked up her knife, steak knife, looked at herself

in the mirror, in the knife, adjust to her hair, and then put it down, and I reached across the table and I said, I'm so sorry, I'm gay, but that was amazing. And she really did appreciate it. But Machine Gun Kelly was tapped to give a toast as well, and he kept saying, a lovely guy, actually, very talkative, but very, like, asked me

a lot of questions about myself, was just, seemed like a nice guy. And he was like, ah, I forgot I had to do this. What should I talk about? What guys, like sort of pulling the table? What should I talk about? And then I'm like, oh, boy, this is going to be terrible. This is certainly not going to be five minutes.

This is going to be rambling. This is going to be awful. He gets up and gives one of the most cogent, well-thought-out, well-structured toasts to reading and the importance of reading books. That I will not, I'm not exaggerating, was the best one of the night. And it was insane. I'm like, I guess Machine Gunn Kelly is a fucking genius. Everyone's like, Everyone's like, Machine Gun Kelly, that was great.

Joel's yours was good. And you're like, wait, why does this always happen? Marsha, Marsha. It's so crazy. I'm like, where is the application of some of this gray matter to the song lyrics, Machine and Kelly? I don't know. Listen, I love you.

I hope to one day be at your cafe in Cleveland where you invited me and to tell me to text you anytime I'm at your cafe in Cleveland don't have his number. And that's always, it's my favorite thing that any celebrity does to me is when you meet them at an event where they're sort of forced to interact with you. And at the end as they're leaving, they go, oh yeah, text me about that. And then they turn in no number. It's like, you know what you're doing. Yeah.

We talked a little bit, I asked you this up top, but before we wrap up, I wanted to get into it a little bit. But like, so for instance, like, obviously nothing about our relationships has really changed, you know, astronomically. The marriage did not shift anything for us. It did not change the ways we interact. But I wonder if this is true for you, because for me, what it has done, though, is it has really put in perspective my future in a very sharp way that I have never really thought about. because, you know, we want to have kids roughly in six years. Like, that's the plan. And that's been the plan for a couple of years, even before we decided to get married. And now that we're married, I like, wake up and look at myself in the mirror and I'm like, well, we're not

ready for that. We're not even close to ready for that. We got to, we got to fucking get our lives into fucking gear now if we want to be ready for that in six fucking years. And so that is the thing that changed. You need to take care and be there for a little Francesca. Yeah, I think it's like, we've, we've like checked the box. No, Francesca's beautiful. Francesca can booster. Yes. It has a really lovely ring to it.

Yeah, how about this? Yeah. Leviticus can booster. Levitticus can booster? Levi, for short. But why Leviticus? Because of the chapter in the Bible? I kind of love, I actually just love the name, the sound of it.

That says gay people are bad? Yeah. And also, and also taking it back and saying. owning it, but with your child. With my child. Letting my child own it, rather. But it also makes it, I just like, Leviticus Kimbooster sounds like a child detective

that stars in his own series of books, you know? Okay. Leviticus Kimbooster, yeah. Yeah, P.I. Yeah, my husband's not on board for it either, so don't worry, you won't be meeting Leviticus can booster anytime soon. But, yeah, has the same thing happened to you now that you've...

I'm very much... Yeah, I'm like, I'm definitely more chill. And I like knowing that I have an anchor. Somebody that I know that I'm like, this person is in, all in like 100% who believes in me, who, um, there for me. And we do like, we do like married stuff now. We did, I mean, we did it before, but now that we're like official. Like we do like family walks in the morning That's so cute

Yeah so we like wake up and take our dog out We make our coffee and we like walk our dog And you didn't do that before you were married We did yeah yeah yeah But now it's like now we're married And we're like oh great We're now we're the neighborhood gays with our coffee And our you know King Charles Cavalier

And it's just stuff It's just we just it reframes certain things that you've always done With your partner and now suddenly it's reframed And it's like but we're married Yeah we work out together I mean but we have our distance. It's like, you know, he goes out of town for work. I go out of town for work.

So it's not like we do everything, but I just appreciate those smaller moments and I appreciate. You know, and now it's like even when I have shows in town, I'm like, I'll go do the show. And then I'm getting right back in my car and I go home. That is the home. Oh, my God. Home.

It is. And you remember what it was like coming up. Yeah. To get traction in this industry, in this side of the industry, with stand-up, you have to hang out. You have to hang out. You have to make comedy your entire social life in order.

You had to put in that FaceTime. Everybody has to see you after the show, stay through the show, hang out, do three beers after the show, like go to a fourth location after the show. It's like you had to really, it was a part of the job. Yeah. You know, and especially like, you know, befriending all of these straight men who I love dearly now with my life, but that was the job, you know, was getting, was, was, was forming those relationships.

And now I'm so glad to be sort of grandfathered out of that. Oh, yeah. I'm gone. I see. I mean, and it's great. I mean, it was a right of passage like, like you just said. It was, and now I have those days, for instance, like when my husband is out of town, right? And the dog has already gone out.

And I haven't been around in a while or like, you know, I haven't had those nights. and then I'll be like, you know what? I want to like hang out, let's see who's on the lineup, let's catch up, you know, and I have those nights, but I'm not there until like the doors closed and the lights, you know, are out. Like, I leave at like a 10 or a 1030 or an 11. You see some other sets. Yeah.

Hang, like, how is everything? Okay, now I'm good. You know what I will say? I was a better stand-up when I was seeing more stand-up because I find bad sets to be the most inspirational, like get my juices flowing. when I watch someone bungle a premise. And it's not even that I take the premise necessarily. But when I see someone bungle a premise,

it always gives me some sort of parallel thought of like, God, why didn't that work? And then when you start to work out why it didn't work, you land on something sort of laterally away from it, too. Like, some of my best jokes have come as a result of watching someone bomb. Absolutely. Because, I mean, that's when you, like, you're watching somebody else bomb and it's making you better? Yeah.

it's just like it's making me think about the writing more like I'm generating more because I'm thinking about why that didn't work right structurally or like content wise or like what you know and it's like it's like maybe the premise was good but why didn't the joke work and then it makes me think about some jokes that maybe of mine that don't work and I'm like oh I see what went wrong there and I rewrite that joke or something like that but I just generate a lot more when I'm seeing more stand-up just naturally that's not a that's not a crazy thing to say by any means. And I think that was like the best part is just like sitting back and and watching, you know, because I don't really, I haven't done that in a while. Yeah.

And I appreciate that. Like watching, you know, Ali Wong go up on stage and watching, you know, Mark Marin and who was there the other night, Chris Rock like showed up, you know, and was like, he's like, I wasn't going to go up. And I'm like, okay. Okay. But like just watching them kind of fumble around. And you're like, oh, okay. It's everybody. You know what I mean?

So it makes me definitely want to be better. I just don't want my husband to feel like a comedy widow, as so many of these women do. And it's the stranger thing to me is, is like, there are some girlfriends and wives of comics that I know. And I love these women. And they are God's bravest soldiers who are at every show. I know. And I do, like, that could never be my husband. he wants to see me once a quarter at most

and only he asked me every time, are you doing new stuff? Because he doesn't need to hear it more than twice. Like, never. And I cannot imagine what that life is like to sit and watch the same 10 minute, 15 minute set night after night talking to the same people. Like, it seems miserable.

I'd rather he stuck in an escape room with Pambondi. You know what I mean? Yeah. Like, no, I couldn't do it. Like, there's people who do do that. Like, and I, I'm the same way with Evan. He's like, oh, can I come with you? And I'm like, no.

And I'll straight to say no. I'm like, you stay here. I'll tell you on your comfies. Lay on the couch. Get some, get some grub and like, just hang out. Get some chocolate. You do you. I'll be back in like 20, 30 minutes.

Thrilled when I have a show because that means he can do, you know, he can watch his anime or play a video game. So, you know, he's thrilled every single time. Do you want kids? Do you want kids? No. No, no. I love how I was like, what?

What? No, I mean, no. I don't know. Yeah. I don't think so. It's too much. It's so funny. I was so anti for so long.

I mean, I famously have a joke in my special where I say gay men who are raising children have misunderstood the assignment. Like the whole reason we're here is population control. And then to take one on is, is, you know, against God's plan. But I don't know. Loviticus 512. Leviticus 512. But something about meaning my partner is I was like, we'd collaborate on something really cool. And it just, I guess like the thing was is I was imagining having kids without having any conception for what having a partner would be like.

And so imagining having kids without the knowledge, I was sort of like, oh, that seems miserable. But now that I have this partner, I'm sort of like, well, I do want to see a little version of you. So I don't know. It's weird. It's vanity. It's also like I feel crazy every time we talk about having kids in this climate. Like that that is my number one. What exactly are we living for these kids?

I'm like, I'm not going to have this kid and then send them off to school and they don't come home. It's like absolutely not. I can't know. I could not even imagine. It's like the judgment and the, you know, the, they're not really. Reading, Gen Alpha can't read third-person narrative. They can only read first-person narrative. Did you read that recently? They can't tell time. They took all the clocks down. And you know the biggest farce in all the land? And then we'll start to wrap up is I had to sign a contract. And I used the docu-sign. And I used their font that they choose for your signature. Because it's an electronic signature. They have that now? Yeah. And it's just like if you don't want to use your finger or whatever, you can just pick like a cursive font that looks like a signature. And you just send it. And I've always done that because it's like, who can.

cares. This company sent it back and was like, no, no, no, we need to see his real signature. And I was like, how do you know what my real signature is? And I was like, what, in what world, are we still using a signature as an identifier? Like, it's so crazy. I got to tell you, mine looks different every time. So good luck trying to match him. Oh, mine is so good. No, I have a terrible one. And I don't care because it's like, it, we're not even teaching kids cursive anymore. Oh, no. I was that little gay kid in like fourth, fifth grade, like learning cursory. And I was like, oh, bitch, and I still have that signature. And it's still pretty sick.

But they don't even teach cursive. They don't teach you. So what the fuck are signature is going to be? Yeah. It's the biggest piece of theater in terms of identity, security that we have is a signature, meaning anything to anyone. Well, and also, here's the thing. If and when you do become parents, you'll have to give up social media. Oh, the thing.

I am never posting about my children. I don't even like posting about my husband. It just invites all sorts of opinions from people who are morons. Yeah, absolute idiots. And then there's the couples that are the Insta gays, you know, where it's like, it's a full Broadway production. It's the brand. Balloons behind.

It's Joanna Gaines. Yeah. Like Barn door, the matching outfits. like I no I never want to put that part of my life up for public consumption unless I'm talking about it on stage yeah yeah if it's if it's in part of your act but I mean how do you feel about babies on Instagram with the emoji over the face why why why even do it at all why it's like who are you serving like it just it's it's such a and I know lovely people who do this by the way but I'm like then why post why post just delete it babe

I don't need this mystery child. No. It's like weird. I don't like this cartoon devil emoji over your baby. Like, it makes me feel like that baby's horny. And I don't want to think about it that way. You have to get the right about it. You can't just put an eggplant or a peach.

You know, straight people don't use the devil horns emoji to mean horny, though. What do they use? They use, like, eggplant. This blew my straight friend's minds, by the way, when I said this. Because they were a straight guy friend in our group chat kept using this. the devil horns emoji and we're like, bro, you can't do that. That means you want to get laid. Yeah.

And he was like, what? How do you, then how do gay guys tell people they're mischievous? Take it away, boys. Speed days. Sweet days. This has been such a fun conversation. I could talk to you for another hour, but we got to wrap it up. Before we do, every speed date, every conversation,

I have. I always like to ask the guests. You know, what from pop culture? It can be music, TV, movies, books, what have you, is an example of love that you have always considered a model for yourself or something that you've wanted. Like, you know, was it Meg Ryan and Billy Crystal when Harry met Sally? Was it the way Mariah Carey loves Christmas and all I want for Christmas is you? It can be a relationship on TV. It can just be a vibe. even that you, that evoked anything from pop culture that evoked a feeling of love. Celine Dion.

Honestly, Celine Dion and my heart will go on the video. That actually just popped up a friend of mine posted that. And when she sang that live and just knowing that she just went in there and sang it once, and that was the rendition we got. And knowing what we know now, too, especially. I know. Anything, Celine Dion, anything, anything, like 90s. female singers.

And I'll even go, I'll throw a Tony Braxton in there. I mean, you got it. I will throw it, like all these songs that women had ballads about, like Mariah Carey,

my all, um, these, these divas who had powerful ballad love songs. And me being the little kid, thinking that I know what they're talking about and not having any idea whatsoever. And now that I'm older,

I'm like, you're returning to it. You know, if I'm in a grocery store, and I hear because I'm your lady. I'm like, yes. I am your lady. It's the best.

That's such a good answer. That's such a good answer because I think everybody feels a little bit that way. And I don't know. And it's sort of the like SNL cast problem where like the SNL cast when you were 13 to 16 is the cast you think was the best. And it's never been funnier since then. It is one of those things where I'm like, is Gen Z are, are they getting that from a Billy Elish? They're not. Are they getting that from Olivia Rodriguez?

Are they getting that from a Sabrina carpenter? Are they getting it in the same way that we are? Is it just a generation? You know, I don't know. I don't know. I'll let the kids decide. I would love if that genre came back of the women singing. And the men, too.

I mean, boys to men. Water runs dry. What was the One Sweet Day? There was like, there's no, I was thinking about that on my walk. there's boys to men had that where they'd be like they'd sing and harmonize and then there's the one guy who's like baby I'm sorry come back home girl I don't mean to mess up and you're like they don't have that in songs now yeah like I want the kids I hope the kids get like that like how to how to treat men and women right yeah and like how not to let them down and it is really like

it is heartbreak heavy yeah it is very like I guess Taylor does longing if you're yeah but it's certainly not the same as Tony Braxton. We'll say that. We'll say that. That's an incredible answer. I could talk to you that. I could talk about music with you forever. But finally, the question I ask all my guests on the pod is,

what has made you believe in love this week? It can be something you saw. An interaction with your barista. It could be a baby holding someone's hand. Made me believe in love this week. A friend. Who did something nice for you? It really is...

It's been a rough. Two months. Neb-nableness question. Yeah. Made me believe... You know what? I'm going to stick with this because my husband's been out of town this week.

My dog. My dog. I have those moments with my dog where I'm like, this bitch hates me. And she's the sweetest. I am like officially a dog dad. Wow. And just knowing that she depends on me.

We went to Runyon Canyon today. I don't go to Runny Canyon. and then my friend has dogs. He's like, let's just do it. I'm like, all right. And like, she is just right by me, just looking at me. Does she prefer you to the husband? I will say yes.

Yeah. He will say no, but I think, I think she's like, my girl. Unfortunately, with dogs, there is always one. And it's hard to admit, but if you're not the one. But, like, waking up and, like, she's, like snuggled next to me and just, like, my heart just melts every time. I think, and especially with these crazy times we're living in. Yeah, we're about to get a dog, actually. We're like, it's the training wheels for kid.

We need a, we need a reason to come home at night at a reasonable hour. A dog will keep you in line. Yeah. And they're just the sweetest. Well, I can't wait. You really made me excited to get one. Justin, thank you so much for this lovely conversation. Tell the people where they can find you and what you're doing these days.

Oh my God. You can find me on Instagram and TikTok at Justin Martindale. You can listen to my podcast. podcast just same with Justin Marndale on iTunes and Spotify and YouTube you can watch it there and then you can catch me on the road I think I'll be in Irvine if you're in Irvine at the Irvine Improv the 30 through the 26 with Russell Peters and then the Netflix is a joke festival you're doing that right yes yes yes are you at the troubadour I'm at the troubadour and the elision batch fun yeah yes definitely check out Justin check him out on Instagram

which is... My name. Justin Margo. You are a prolific clipper in a way that the quality is... I know that is just that there we're living in where people have to clip. You got a clip. If you want butts in seats, you got a clip. And I get that. But some of these people posting this bad crowdwork on the main...

Are you in my close friends? You're in my close friends. I don't know. It's just literally like... It's literally like, oh, the person in the... audience said something funny. You didn't say something funny. You know it's your job to say the funny thing. Right, right? Like, you just posted an L on the timeline. And I understand we're all in a rock and a hard place because none of us have the material that they want to burn, constantly churning and

burning it. But it is, oh, it's the, it's, it's dystopian. People need to know. Yeah. But, Justin, I always enjoy your clips and I'm always insanely impressed with you are doing a lot of material on there. And I know for a fact, you have, you don't always do that material when you're, actually on the stage on the road. So I'm very impressed by that. If you want to check out Justin's stand up and then see him on the road, go to his Instagram and give it a peep because it is delightful. Thank you. Justin, thank you so much. This has been another episode of Bad Date. Speed Date edition. We will be back next week with more episodes. Who knows what the format will be? In the meantime, if you liked what you heard today, please give us a rating and review on iTunes or wherever you're

listening to the podcast. It helps people discover the podcast. And don't you want that to have or don't you? Okay, bye-bye. Bad Dates is a production of smartless media created by Robert Cohen. Executive producers are Robert Cohen and Stuart Bailey. Produced, edited, and engineered by Devin Torrey Bryant.

Produced by Ann Harris. Edited by Kyle McRough. Associate producer is Maddie McCann. Social media producer is Tommy Galgana. Executive producers are Sean Hayes, Will Arnett, and Jason Baitman. Executive producers for Smartless Media are Richard Corson and Bernie Komenzki.

Music by Cushy and Evan Schleller. If you've had a bad date or would like our advice on any dating issues, please tell us about it at baddatespod at gmail.com or call us at 984-265-3283. That's 984-265-3-283. That's all for this week. We will be back for more.