Bad Dates with Jameela Jamil - Speed Dates: Red Flags and Dealbreakers (w/ Jared Freid)

Episode Date: January 4, 2024

On this episode of Speed Dates, Jameela welcomes comedian and co-host of the U Up? podcast, Jared Freid, to talk about some truly unsettling dealbreakers, and answer your questions about holiday-related red flags. Plus, Jameela tells the story of eating an entire birthday cake alone in a cemetery, don’t miss it. Follow Jared on social media @jaredfreid, check out the U Up? podcast, and watch his new stand-up special Jared Freid: 37 & Single on Netflix.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Bad dates! Sweet dates. Hello, I'm Dramida Jamil, and welcome to another mini episode of Bad Dates. We call them speed dates here, and my guest today is the hilarious comedian and podcaster, Jared Freed. Hello, Jared, how are you? I'm good. Thank you so much for having me. Thank you so much for being here. I feel as though you have a lot of wisdom to be able to impart upon us.

I feel very, very lucky. Now, you yourself are out in the dating game correct. I'm out there. I'm in the dating world. I guess yeah. You sound a bit exhausted by dating. Is that just because it's the end of the year? Did you have a shit date last night? No, I think, you know, as far as this holiday season, like I think holiday season is a great time to like let the wind take you. Be the bag in the wind. Like there's holiday parties. There's a lot more fuck it in the air.

A lot more like, you know what, fuck the gym. I'm getting drinks. I'm going out. There's a lot more planned occasions this time of year. It's comfy cozy season. You can layer up. You can feel comfortable and something, you know, wearing a couple layers instead of just a t-shirt and shorts and you're like, Oh, I feel too fat for this t-shirt. You know, these things are all like, so there's a lot of good to be seen in this season.

Also, your energy picked up once you started talking about Christmas dating. So I know that you're fucking excited. You are ready. I love it. Especially in New York City, it has a vibe, but it has a, you know, it has a, you know, an element of magic in the air. Again, layering up really excites me too. I'm really going to be best looking in a coat and a sweater and a t-shirt underneath. Like, that's where I'm really going to thrive as a, as a, as a, as a, as a, as a, as a, as a, as a, as a, as a, as a, as a, I'm imagining you wearing like 20 layers now. I'm imagining it take up. I'm really going to thrive as a, as a, as a, as a, as a, I'm imagining you wearing like 20 layers now. I'm imagining it take about 45 minutes to get you under.

Seven, seven pairs of mittens. Do you feel like you've had any particular highlights or low lights of holiday dating that have, I don't know, inspired your take? Um, no, you could just feel it, you know, like, especially in New York city, any like city area, like if you go to like a little bit of a, anything bustling, the word bustling is very holiday season. I like the word bustling. So I think if you like, like, I've been to places, like, I've been all of the country doing stand-up and you go to like an outdoor mall in the winter and you're like, wow, this is a hallmark movie Like you know as much as we want to talk shit on an outdoor mall and how corny it is

Holiday season they got the music playing they got the tree up. They got Santa sitting there. It's great You're a big old romantic, aren't you? I am so you are a co-host of the podcast you up where you have listeners Send you their bad dates and our ears and then you have to determine whether they are red flags or deal breakers. Can you share some of these and then we can maybe decide together with that be all right? No problem. I mean, we've had so many over the years. We made a card game too and we got one recently that was like shocking.

It was the first she said, and I like the more specific, the more honest, the better. I don't know how this is honest. I thought this was, I can't believe this is true, but she said, the family is a known bath family, okay? I thought does that mean? Like the whole family is like known to take baths. Like likes a good bath. Which I can't believe.

What do you mean together? Not together, just like, well, we're gonna get to the red flag deal breaker But they they're just known to like a bath individually. I guess I didn't know that was a thing I think that's even weird in itself But then she said that one person they went on vacation together and one person from the family would come down from the Bath and be like hey, it's ready for you. And they would leave the water in it for the next person to use. No, no, no, no.

Red flag and two. Oh my Jesus Christ, DNA soup. Oh my God. That is fucking foul. I'm sorry. I'm sorry, not to yuck someone's yum, but like you are stewing in your own filth. If that's a yum, that's a kink.

I don't think that's. And it's like, it's because it's hot, it's sweating. So you're like, it's your inside toxins, not just your outside shit that you've picked up in the world. That is fucking filthy. I bet these people didn't get COVID, did they? Because they must have immune systems of fucking steel.

I guess so. I mean, I thought, I even, if I've ever taken a bath, it's, I've taken a shower after the bath. Like, I'm not a bath guy. I think that's a weird thing generally. I can understand candles and shit. But the idea of being like, yup, next one up,

like you're saving water during, you know, the 1800s is bizarre to me. I think I'm reevaluating the whole relationship. I'm with that. 100% yeah, becausevaluating the whole relationship. I'm with you. 100% yeah, because then someone's marinating. That's marinating. It's not cleaning. There's a big difference.

Big huge difference. Fucking filthy. Okay, yeah, I think that's a red flag. Oh, I'm deeply upset about that. That's actually fucked up by day. Thank you for that. Sorry. I hate baths.

I hate baths anyway. Right. Okay, so a woman wrote that her date was hyper aware of his breath and consistently did breath checks where he breaks into his cup-tanned and makes faces all in anticipation of a kiss. What are you thinking about that? To me, I have to wonder what's happened to them in another phase of life. Like I get and like that's one of those like, how did you get to the point where this is

because that's a nervous tick at that point. If you're doing the, the check on your breath, you must have had a horrific thing happen at some point. If it's nothing's happened, then I need to know like you don't trust your dental, you know, program, I guess, like, I don't know. For me, I would need to know more about it. But I think it's considered it. I think it's quite sweet that someone stressed about that. I would rather have someone who's a bit intense about checking that than someone who doesn't give a shit and then Gorgon's old is my mouth. Well, what if they never not have bad breath, but

they keep checking it? That's like, well that's different. That's a whole other issue. That's a Christmas gift of a trip to the dentist. But I think I don't hate the sentiment. It sounds a bit obsessive, but it sounds like it's coming from a very good place

of wanting you to have their freshest possible breath. Right, they are taking care of you. I never think about my breath. This makes me think that I need to think about it more. It never occurs to me. Would you ever do a breath check like that? Not so obviously, not a double hand cup and then making faces. I feel like that was too much. It was too theatrical, but I, you know, I could imagine a world if like after I ate, because I eat meat and my boyfriend doesn't.

So I feel like that's the one time I do actually just pop in a mint. But other than that, I'm not conscious about this. Maybe I should be. So you think red flag? I think it's more of a red flag. I do understand. I think you're right as far as like they care about the other person's experience with them, which is like, that's a good thought.

That's a good place to be in. The idea that like pre-kiss, like we're there already. This is it. You winner, you lose after this kiss. It's, you know, haze in the barn, you know, at this point. Do you wash your penis before a blowjob? Um, I give it a, you know, about a one-hour scrubbing with a beforehand.

What an exfoliating. Yeah, I go through a whole routine. She's like, I'm going to go down and you're like, okay, hold on. Once I can be back in an hour. I'm going to go to the penis spa. Yeah, I got a, I have a washer, you know, I, I put, I dip my balls into a, you know, a bubbling bath. I keep the water so that my dad can use it at a later date.

But it's fucking horrifying. Hey, I'm Marisha and I'm Brooke. And we're the hosts of Wunderys' podcast Even the Rich, where we bring you absolutely true and absolutely shocking stories about the most famous families and biggest celebrities the world has ever seen. Our newest series is all about the Royal Spare Prince Harry. Stalked by grief and terrorized by the press, he grew up as the black sheep of the British Royal family.

But when he finally pushes through his stoic exterior and lets his feelings in, he'll have to make a choice he never thought he'd face. In our series, Prince Harry, Windsor of Change, we'll tell you how Harry discarded years of tradition to find the happiness he always craved. Follow even the rich on the Wondering app or wherever you get your podcasts. You can binge even the rich and Prince Harry Windsor of Change early and add free right now on Wondering Plus. Even if you read all the books, there is very little that can prepare you for parenthood. But sometimes you can find something that gives you a little insight. From Wondery, I love my kid, but shares hilarious stories and anecdotes about parenting that are

actually relatable. Like when a friend asks you to do something at 6 p.m. on a weeknight. Here's a clip from an episode. Is dinner three hours at your house? I notice that when I have company over and we have a dinner party, that is about the time. Oh, okay. And I really want everyone to leave no later than 6 or 30 or 7. Only the people without kids are like kind of clueless.

And I'm like, no, you don't understand, it's bedtime now. And it is, you don't want to see this. You don't want to see this. And I'm like, no, you don't understand, like, it's bedtime now, and it is, you don't wanna see this. You don't wanna see this. And I don't want you to see this. It is. Some horrors are about that. Yeah, they are the bots.

She is the boss of us. And I don't want you to see that. Listen to, I love my kid but on the Wondry app, or wherever you get your podcasts. You can listen to, I love my kid but early, and add free on Wondry Plus. podcast. You can listen to, I love my kid, but early in ad free on 1-3+. Another person wrote about how he surprised his day on her birthday with a cake. He brought it to her place, and she cut a slice for herself, to me, it's bizarre. Like, I think cake is like the ultimate share. Yeah. Like cake

is like, you know, when I go to the dinner and so on and the waiters, like, do you guys want dessert? Like, there's an assumed split more than any other portion of that meal in a dessert situation. So, like, to me, this is like your worldview. Like this is like how you deal with cake is how you deal with everything. So, like, what's gonna happen when it comes to that, you know, oral situation that you brought up, like, I go down and then she's like, we, we, we, we, we, we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we That's insane. Even if it was a slice, right, like if you're sitting at, you know, at dinner with your boyfriend, they go, we have an amazing chocolate mousse and you're like, we'll get one, two, two forks.

And your boyfriend was like, well, two forks. What? You'd be like, wait a minute. What's wrong with you? You know, you have my boyfriend just straight up orders three. He's six for eight. So he just knows he's not sharing anything with me, which is fair. But yeah, he would never, if there was only one left, he would always share it with me.

That's it. I hope to marry Rich one day too. You know, like I... One piece of cake. Yeah, we're big in the mood game. Yeah, I was eight and entire birthday cake by myself selfishly when I was 19. I was given my favorite birthday cake and it was a very big, expensive, luxurious birthday cake from a really nice place and it was like the only present I wanted. My mother was like, hey, I feel like this year, maybe let's not eat the whole cake by ourselves, you know, because that's not healthy and you've been doing that a lot since you were 10. And so I was like, you're right. And she's like, you know what,, you work at the video store. I'm going to chop this up into lots of pieces. I'm going to wrap each of the pieces in foil.

And we're going to take them, you know, over to the video store and you can share them with your friends. It's a birthday cake. You're supposed to share it. So I was like, okay. And as I'm walking towards the video shop, there's a tree that blocks the way. And I know that once I'm passed this tree, she can't see me anymore. Mm-hmm. And a maniacal thought enters my brain of, what if I just fucking take off that this entire cake with all these pieces? No one will be the wiser. She doesn't know my fucking friends.

And so I do it. I pass the tree. I decide not to turn left. And instead I run to the nearest cemetery. I was a very lonely teenager where I sat in a piece after piece after piece after piece by myself, and it was the best fucking day of my life. And you got it out of your system,

this is like the version of like smoking the whole cart in a cigarette. Yeah. I love your, your traumatic food body issue stories sound like hallmark tales. Like you went down, this is like the three bears. It's Hansel and Gretel. I went down to the tree, down the, you know, the windy road. My, this is how I know you're not Jewish.

My mom, when she was like, when she was like, my mom, if I know you're not Jewish this my mom when she was like when she was like my mom If I was eating cake while I was eating it She would pull it away from me and go enough and then take water poured on the cake in front of me And then we would all sit at an apple bees with a wet cake and a waitress would come over and go What happened to the cake and I would have to a 10 years, look up at the waitress and go, we just can't control ourselves. And that's my story. So I kind of prefer yours hiding in the cemetery. Yeah. I had pre-divities before the age of 20, but sure I was fucking living it up. Okay. Oh man. God, childhood is so intense.

Childhood is so intense. Yeah, I think red flag for the woman with the fridge. It's not a deal breaker, but I think it does say something about her spirit. She's not gonna share any. Deal breaker for me. Yeah, no joint bank account. Deal breaker, I gotta share a cake.

Okay, so finally we have some holiday dating questions from listeners and together you and I are gonna help them figure it out. My date's family goes to church, Christmassy, even Christmas morning, which is way too much Jesus for this atheist. How do I get through it? Weed, drugs.

Weed, drugs. So you're advising them to numb their own thoughts, but go. Here's the thing, we all have, if you're person that you're dating has a family, they are dealing with them in their own special way. It's probably not healthy, it's probably not the way you do it. But you have to respect that this is how they're handling this scenario. And you're not going to, nobody's a speed boat and people are more like cruise ships than speed boats.

So, maybe they can turn right a little, but they're never going to turn on a dime. You're not just saying no to them, you're saying no to their family, you're saying no to their relationship. They have with their family, you're saying how they deal with their family. I think this is one of those things that you got to deal with. And a little weed might help you, a little Scotch, a little brandy, and your Hacoco might help you. Yeah, and also those wafers will never have hit harder.

Oh my God, the fucking munchies plus the fucking little wafers. What a joy. I've never had Jesus skin, but I've heard it's good. Yeah, yeah, the music's gonna hit harder. The crack is gonna go deeper. I think just get it out the way, just suck it up and do it.

Otherwise, you have to fake a terrible illness or something like it just like, it feels like you're rejecting such a big part of them and. Otherwise, you have to fake a terrible illness or something like it. It feels like you're rejecting such a big part of them and you obviously don't have to, but if it's no big deal, drugs, drug your way through it. Bear down. Maybe there's a fun game you can play during it. Like you can play like some sort of game to get you through it

with you and your boyfriend, a girlfriend or whoever it is. You can just like, who can find the most, you know, Karen haircuts. I don't know. You can go through, you know, do some sort of fun game. Okay. So we're in agreement on that. Yeah. Well, Jared, thank you so much for joining us today. Thanks for being so funny and so honest. Before you go, you tell everyone where we can find you and what you want us to see. Thank you so much for having me.

I have a Netflix special that you can watch right now. If you're interested in dating, the first half is about dating. It's called 37 and single. It's streaming right now. It talks about dating apps and breakups and gender reveal parties and the ICC, which has become like a whole thing.

People keep sending me their ICCs, and I talk about if men have the ICC, they don't spoil our alert. And then I talk about my family and body issues and eating and all that stuff. So 37 singles on Netflix right now. And my podcast that I do with batches, batches everyone knows is fantastic and hilarious.

And the U-Wap Podcast, we do modern dating and give advice. And it's called the U-Wap Podcasts on Betches. You're a joy. Thank you so much, Abby Holidays. Thank you. Good luck out there. Bad dates. Bad dates is produced by Smartness Media and Wondery. Executive producers are Robert Cohen and Jameela Jamil.

That's me. We will see you next time for more. Bad dates. Smart. Blast. Smeeeer. Hello, Prime Members! You can listen to bad dates early and add free on Amazon Music. Download the Amazon Music app today, or you can listen early and add free with Wondery Plus in Apple Podcasts.

Before you go, tell us about yourself by completing a short survey at Wondery.com slash survey. Hey y'all! It's your girl Kiki Palmer, your favorite quadruple threat actor, singer, dancer, and my new role, podcaster. My podcast, baby, this is Kiki Palmer, it's blowing up y'all, because every episode I bring on in Icon. Like when John Stamos and I talked about internet trolls heading on Disney adults, or when Jordan Pills explained why we love scary movies, even though the world is already creepy as fuck.

Tune in to learn a little and laugh a lot because your girl keeps it real. Listen all Wondery Plus, join Wondery Plus in the Wondery app or on Apple Podcasts.