Bad Dates with Jameela Jamil - Speed Dates: Say Goodbye To Your Armada (w/ Rachel Scanlon)

Episode Date: April 13, 2026

On an all-new Speed Dates episode, host Joel Kim Booster sits down with hilarious stand-up comedian Rachel Scanlon to hear the full account of her courtship and marriage (a Tinder success story! You love to see it!), plus making it through the pandemic together, how marriage has made her more confident on stage, and all the sweet (& horny!) movies that influence her view on love. Plus, a sincere question: are some people REALLY into polyamory, or have they just not made a new friend in a decade?   Subscribe to our YouTube Channel for video clips and full episodes.  Merch available at SiriusXMStore.com/BadDates.   Joel Kim Booster: Scrubs Season 10, Psychosexual, Fire Island, Loot Season 3 Rachel Scanlon: @rachelscanloncomedy on Insta, rachelscanloncomedy.com for tickets, Two Dykes & A Mic podcast, live special Gay Fantasy Subscribe to SiriusXM Podcasts+ to listen to new episodes of Bad Dates ad-free. Start a free trial now on Apple Podcasts or by visiting siriusxm.com/podcastsplus. Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

Bad dates Speed dates. Hello, hello, hello, and welcome to another edition of Bad Dates, the podcast Speed Dating Edition. If you're just joining us for the very first time, you may not know that bad dates normally is a panel show where I ask a bunch of comedians to tell me stories of bad dates. But today is a speed date episode, which is a little bit different because I sit down with just one guest and we get a little deeper, you know, not just.

bad date stories, but the full story of their love lives and beyond. And my guest today is very exciting as a writer, podcaster, and as her website says, The Comedian Who Ever Lived. She co-hosts the podcast, Two Dikes and a Mike, and you can stream her comedy special Gay Fantasy on Amazon Prime and Apple TV. And you can see her on tour with Two Dikes and a Mike and, or on her A Bit Much tour, it's Rachel Scanlon, everybody. Yay! And we should, I should specify, The bit much tour is a stand-up. Yes. Yes.

So you have two ways to consume her, either if you're a podcasting girlie or if you're a stand-up girlie or if you're a verse. Exactly. You can do both. You can do both. You can flip. You can definitely flip. You can try one and then go, actually, I need something completely different.

And then there I am doing stand-up. Exactly. If you want to be topped, I do stand-up. If you want to be bottomed, I do podcasting as well. Exactly. Because let's be honest, if you're podcasting, you're bottoming. You're bottoming for life. 100%. Rachel, how are you?

I'm so good. I'm feeling happy. Whenever I'm here, I'm reminded that next door, that woman made my wedding rings for me and my wife. Wait, what? Across the street from here. Oh, I thought you meant in another studio in the series X-M building, and I was like, what podcast were you on that someone made wedding rings for you and your wife? Next door across the street. Do you want a plug? Lizzie Manler. Yeah. Busy Manler?

Lizzie Manler. I was like, that is a bad drag name if I have a ever heard one. Busy Manler. Lizzie. Manler. Okay, so the last name still reads as a little draggy. Yes. Right across the street from here. She's like really good. And show the ring. Podcasting is visual medium. Zoom in. Get a good shot of it for Lizzie. Wait, this is this is not my show watch. This is my running watch. So I'm taking that off.

Do you see the ring? Do you see it? We love it. How long have you guys been together? Seven and a half years? Seven and a half. Wow. Can you believe? That is a long time. I've always said like everything around between seven and ten years for me right now is feel so strange because two years don't count. Right. Two years, two full years don't count because of the pandemic. That got completely just washed away. None of that counts.

So anything that's seven to ten years is actually five to seven years. I definitely feel because my wife and I were just like, oh, it's so crazy that we're, because she was saying, oh, and then we'll have our seven year anniversary. And I'm like, it's actually, it will be eight. Wow. Which we are like, that doesn't make any sense at all. I've never, I had like a two-year curse when I was dating when I was before I got married. I was like, I can't really get past two years.

That's kind of where everything falls apart. I bail. I get dumped once, okay? Once. And then like, I just kind of thought that that was it. And then to go from never getting to two years and then easily to eight. Easily to eight. It's crazy.

So how easy was it? I mean, like, enjoyable feels like a. couple months in. A nice little ride. Yeah, like she, I don't know, we have like a nice time when we're to, I miss her when I'm gone. See, that is key. I find. I feel the same way about my husband. How long have you guys been together? We've only been together for five years. But we got married. I was pretty, I knew right away. I said the second day after meeting him, I'm going to marry this man to my friend Kevin who stood up in my wedding and also in the time said you're being a fucking psycho right now. You need to calm that down. But I knew when you know you know. I'm a big purportant on this show of when you know you know. For her. How did you meet? Tinder. Tinder. A success story on Tinder.

But Hinge didn't launch yet. Oh, really? So it was right at the... No, Hinge has been around for more than seven years. I mean, maybe it was like... I was on Hinge in New York. I was in like early days Hinge. It had not hit my radar yet.

Like, all I knew... Well, Hinge used to be, you'd only show... It would only show you people you were connected... You had mutuals with. Ugh. That was like a big hook. I've already had sex with those people. Exactly.

I know. It's like... What are we doing here? I already know them. And I'm sorry, but just because you know my friend, like a friend, that's not necessarily, I'm not taking endorsements from all my friends. I'm sorry. Just because you know Charlie doesn't mean that you're going to be good for me because

Charlie is a fucking psycho too. 100%. If you know all my friends, then they're only friends with DJs. I don't want those anymore. No, thank you. No, no, no. No, I need outside of that ring. I was at the point when I was on the apps, it was really just.

Just Tinder and then Bumble was like kind of new where they were like, oh my gosh, the girl has to message first. Yeah, which is confusing when you're gay. Exactly. So does that mean the lipstick has some message first? Whoever's shorter has to message first. It's a, yeah, the out that that math equation is tough to crack. Yeah. So I was like on Tinder, it was I thought it was like also more slutty-ish.

Like the energy was less relationship-e. And then I popped on there, found way more lesbians than I did on the other apps, surprisingly. Interesting. Well, you know, it makes sense, though, because Tinder was probably the biggest one seven years ago. Yeah. And we're such a small portion of the population. We're all going to grav up towards the biggest one anyways. So what was your first date?

We met halfway between us because we were long distance, which I do not recommend. How far? She was in San Luis. Abispo. Oh, that's wild. It's wild. She was finishing in college, which I was, what am I, that's crazy. Wow. How old were, how, what's the age gap? I was 27. She was 24. Oh, okay. So it's fine. So she, wait, she did a smart thing. She waited a couple years. Yes. Was she held back or does she wait? She waited. Okay. She was like, let me just get my bearings, decided to pop back into Cal Poly. Gotcha. I think Cal Paul. Cal Poly. My accent. Is it California Polly? I don't know what

is. There's a college out there. It's none of my business. But she was there and I was in L.A. And so we met up halfway in between. What's halfway in between? Santa Barbara. Santa Barbara. Okay. Well, that's not a bad place for our first day. Perfect place. Beautiful place. Very Republican. Well, yes. Very red. Right. Very, very red. We don't want to live there. We only go. We go there to fuck and then we leave. And then you leave because you're not allowed to stay. Exactly. They won't let you. They said you can day pass only. So you met. So you met. at in Santa Barbara, how long were you guys long distance before you closed the gap? Okay, so we were long distance. We chatted for a while on the app and then I was like,

what at that time, do they still, you can see how far away people are from you? I believe so. In miles. So her miles were going further. Then I was like, oh, you're not in, you're in San Luis Obisso, nobody's heard of that. Yeah. And then we had our first date. She moved back to the Bay Area. Oh, even further. I know that. And I'm like, what are we going to do here? We were kind of doing like vacationy type date. where we would get together, but it would be weekends and Airbnbs and, like, that kind of figuring it out, but having, like, so much fun. And I was like, I have no idea. Well, of course, because you only see each other on vacation at this point. So that's dangerous.

That can be dangerous to be like, I associate you with no work and no responsibilities. We're having the best time. And then, I think six months later of dating like that, she moved to Pasadena. So I was like, okay, doable. Doable. Still a long distance relationship in many ways. 13 miles from me, which is far. Yeah. And it took everything in me to not just have her move in with me when she was moving to L.A. Which is your way. It's my way.

You know that. That's how lesbians are doing it. And it took everything in me to be like, don't be a lesbian statistic. Yeah. Live in the same city in two different places. Let her have her own life. Let her develop her own life. So you're not just folding someone into your life.

Right. And I think I'm, I didn't realize that I have kind of just. always just forced my friends upon whoever I was dating. I was like, listen, I'm a comedian with all these friends. So if you want to hang out, come see me at a show. Yeah. Now with my wife, Nazara, I was actually like, what if we form something just you and I? And then we can see your life unfold and my life unfold. And if they work out together, then maybe we should get married. That makes a lot of sense. I had never done that before. Worked surprisingly. It is interesting how when you take a different strategy after doing it wrong so many times over and over and over and over again.

And suddenly you change course just a little bit. And it all turns out. Because that's, I'd say my version of this is I'm a very, my attachment style is very anxious until I got you. And then it flips and suddenly I'm very avoidant. And I'm like gone. I've never made it past three months before my husband. And part of that was either I was so anxious at the top that I chased people away with my,

with, you know, being too needy. or I would get to the three month mark. They'd finally be like, okay, you warm me down. Let's do this. And suddenly I'd say, everything you do is annoying. I have to flee. So you like to chase or you liked to? I liked to, yeah, for sure.

And I think what happened was with my husband, this same thing, the same pattern almost presented itself. But I remember saying to myself, let's just sit in this for a second. Let's just ride this out. See what's on the other side of this feeling. this feeling that's telling me to run. And if I just like sit through it and get to the other side, I bet it'll be different. And it was.

It was very different. And I'm so grateful that I did things differently than I normally did because clearly it was not working before. I completely resonate with like trying something different and then being like, holy shit, I'm married. Yeah. I changed my patterns and it completely has a completely different outcome. I was doing the same thing over and over again with women over and over and over again. Yeah. And that is the definition of insanity.

And here we are. Now we're saying we're people. We're married. Shout out Lizzie Manler. Yeah. But I was like, shout out Elliot Gaskin. Oh no. I forgot my ring.

Where's your ring? This is not a joke. I don't know where it is. No. No, it's probably at home on the sink because. Do you take it off at night? I take it off to wash my face, etc. And so I'm sure it's on the sink at home.

But or I'm sure he's found it and has, it's an it's an pocket and he's going to ask me immediately when I get home, hey, where's your ring? Where's your ring? And then I'll go and look for it for a while and he'll let me do that. And then as soon as I feel like I've lost it forever, he'll reveal it to me. That's powerful. McAvellian. He's nuts.

Yeah. I like that energy. I like somebody who's a little nuts. You know what I mean? Yeah. Well, I out nut him tenfold. So if he wants to play a little game with the ring, then by God, it's his, you know, it's his duty. It is.

Sweet days. Sweet days You had this first date in Santa Barbara You were long distance for a while She moves pastina You're getting closer Nine months she lives in Pasadena Nine months before she moves in with you

Wow And that also I look back now and I'm like Who are we like old-fashioned lesbians? Yeah This is so No I think you're new age Or new age It's giving

What are we Amish? Like this is so traditional It's a wait so long Born again It's giving born again I, what felt really different about Nazara is that she never, like, I never felt any type of pressure or timelines. Yeah. And I never felt like I was ever, like sometimes I feel like I would start to date somebody and I thought that they would kind of like me.

But then I feel like they actually did not like how I actually was. And then that kind of wears off. And then they're like mad. And I feel like Nazar. They were sold a bill of goods. Right. And then they're like, I'm like surprised. It's actually like sucks sometimes.

Or like I am. I'm like, I do, I don't know, I'm like flirty and I like need a lot of attention a lot. And I'm also like cry all the time. You know what I mean. And so, Mazarra, though, just never, like there was no rush on anything. There was no rush on moving in. There was no rush on monogamy. There was no rush on like, what is this?

We just kept saying like, if we, if we're having a good time, let's just keep doing it. Yeah, follow the fun. And that's what it's been for eight years. I'm just like, well, it's just like nice. Are you monogyn? now? We are Monag. Yeah. Which I also wasn't sure how that would land in my life. Yeah. Because it just was never something, I never like prioritized marriage or a relationship or like monog, like whatever. I've just been so focused in stand up. It takes a lot of your time and dedication. That's a huge reason why at 33,

that was my first relationship. Right. Because I was finally in a place professionally where I had like a little bit of room. Yes. To focus on it. And I get it. Yeah. It takes so much of and you're just like, you know, I don't know. The priorities was never like, and then I'll be married. But it somehow just was like, it became this thing that I was like, we have these like caveats where we'll be like, I sometimes think I might need to go to a sex party. Like when I'm older, like I think once I'm at this beautiful age of maybe like, I don't want to put a number on it because I have to fall. You have to follow your feelings. You do not have to explain the impulse to me one bit, Rachel. Yes.

I understand. I feel like also there's something in me that if I think I am like one thing forever and always locked, then I think I will act out regardless of my true desires. Totally. So I have, and we have like a very open understanding of like, tell me where you're at. We're queer. We can do whatever we want. Listen, that is so smart because a lot of monogamous couples do not have that policy of openness and communication and talking about it day to day. Because that's the thing I think that makes my non-monogamous relationship work is, again, I think I've said this many times on this podcast.

I do not think non-monogamy is better than monogamy. I do think that we communicate, though, about a lot of stuff every single day that a lot of monogamous couples do not communicate about. Because they're uncomfortable with admitting that there's even a realm where they're attracted to someone else. Or they want something a little different that day. And I find that energy of coming home and telling my wife, like, Oh my God, I like got my hair cut by this new person and like she touched the nape of my neck and I was like, I think I have a crush on this person. Now using that energy for your own sex life can be so fun. Very true.

Pretending like it doesn't exist is crazy. No, it's nuts because the thing is is I think people think if they have a crush on a new person, which is so common and so normal. It's a best part of life. That it invalidates their love for their partner, which is like so silly because like a crush is a crush. you know the difference between the magnitude of a crush versus the magnitude of your committed relationship is so nothing. You know, so why not just be open and honest about this? I always joke that I'm my husband's best wingman, too.

Hell yes. Because we do not, we do not stop. And the thing is, it's like, we had a lot of rules at the beginning of our open relationship and they worked to an extent. But the problem is that if you're not communicating every day still, and you just set it and forget it and say, these are the rules, I'm just going to live by these and we never have to talk about it again.

It didn't work. Right. Didn't work. And what we've landed on now is not necessarily a set of rules but it is just a system wherein we talk about it every single day and recheck the levels

every single day because it's like, listen, some days we could be at a warehouse party downtown LA. I could be bopping around, sucking dick, making out with guys

and he's like, thank God he's off my hands. Somebody is keeping him busy. And it's, could be the same night, same conditions, same party, same people, same everything, but because of the way he's feeling that day, he might just need me to be his husband, you know? And that is cool. And it's something you have to communicate about because otherwise, you know, I would do things that maybe necessarily didn't break a rule, but because of how he was feeling that day, it would hurt him. But he didn't feel like he could talk to me about it because it didn't break a rule. And so it's

completely ineffectual if you're not communicating. And constantly. Yes. You can't make black and white rules when people's emotions are involved. And it's the same for monogamous couples, too, because I beat this drum all the time. Monogamy does not look the same in every relationship. Totally. Everyone's line is a little bit different of what actually being monogamous means. I know couples who are like, oh, kiss is fine, making it out is fine. And I know couples who think that's insane. Right. You know? And it's like I, and they would consider themselves monogamous. It's just, it is different and it requires the same amount of communication that an open relationship does. and I don't think people always realize that.

I feel like too with the popularity of open relationships and non-monogamy and the type of like polyamory being more like on the forefront, but I've seen it so many times where people are using it as like a testing of a breakup where they're like, I actually am checked out. Yeah. And they're like, what if this is my out? Or just in ways where I'm like, are you truly like wanting to try polyamory or have you not made a new friend in six years?

Have you forgotten Like community? What's the need you're actually trying to get met? That is something that I think about a lot Because I sometimes feel like Yeah, when I look at non-monogamy and that And polyamory and stuff, I'm like, oh yeah, gay men Are like a great example of how this can be

A thing that makes more sense in like In a community of people, I'm like they're doing it right Sometimes I look at straight call I try not to judge straight people so harshly But alas I do No, and this is the thing Like I get a lot of judgment been for being in the type of relationship that I'm in.

But sometimes I look at monogamous couples and the way they behave and the way they treat each other. And I'm like, see, that is wild to me. Like your behavior, I would consider, if not cheating, then a betrayal, certainly. Some of the ways they talk about each other when they're not around. Like there's just like things about, it's like glass houses. Don't act like your shit don't stink. Like, just because we operate a little bit differently than you do. And the thing is, too, is I think for us as well, like we try not to.

to center sex with other people. Like we're still like, we are still connected. Yeah. We are maintain and maintaining that connection is paramount over, you know, some recreational sex, you know, and because the sex I have with my husband is not recreational all the time. It's very spiritual. It's very passionate.

That rocks. Yes. But then, you know, like the sex I have with other people, it's like playing pickleball. Right. You know, for me. It's not, it's, it has the same. It's doubles. There's two on two.

And again, I get it. That's crazy to a lot of people. But everyone's relationship. but to sex is a little bit different. Totally. You know, and I think also you cannot deny, even if you're not interested in an open relationship at all, you cannot deny that we are socialized in this country as a Judeo-Christian country to think one thing is completely normal.

And everything that deviates from that is fucking crazy. It's like, now you have to maybe take a step back and untangle yourself from that and then decide for yourself, you know, make an informed decision based on like, what you actually want, not based on what you were socialized to want. Yeah. And I think that for gay people, the reason non-monogamy is more common amongst gay people is because we are already one step outside of the norm that we've been socialized to accept. Right.

And so it's like, and anything goes. We've already unwound ourselves from mainstream society. We're like, okay, we're not doing what the Bible told us to do. And my mom's mad already. So if you can figure out exactly. what you actually desire, then sometimes it looks different than monogamy. Yeah. Yeah.

The next step makes more sense. And who's to say, I don't know that this is how we're going to operate forever. Right. I don't know, you know, if this is how both of us are always going to feel. My favorite thing, though, is when people are like, aren't you worried that he's going to leave you for one of these other people that he sleeps with? And I'm like, that could happen if he didn't sleep with them. Right.

That could happen if we were monogamous. He could sleep with them and leave me for them. It happens all the fucking time. the monogamous relationships. What do you think that is, that is not a level of protection for you at all. I'm sorry, monogamy does not protect you from your partner wanting to leave you. Right. It just doesn't. And in fact, like, the fact that he can experience all of these other things and still wants and still chooses me at the end of the day, for me is more meaningful than if I was holding him locked in tower somewhere saying you can only interface with me on this level. because of our rules that we decided versus the freedom of choice that you're coming back all the time. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. But again, not for everybody. Not for everybody. I totally get that. I also am like in a very like monogamy is powerful type of moment because I'm finding it to be so obviously I'm only one year married. So there's so much of that right now. We're like when you're getting married and you have a like we have like a ceremony with like a whole thing.

I wore a cape. Like I was like let's do the whole thing. A lot of times queer people you never know. we can do whatever. We can be in a barn. We could have two people and whatever. And we did the whole thing. But I'm like something about it. I think I've given so much of myself to so many people for so many years. Comedically and also dating-wise and podcasting. You're just giving so much tidbits of your true. I mean, I'm giving like real bits my real life out there that recently I've been like, oh my God, it's so cool that Nazar is like the only person who knows this side of me for a while. It's been really fun. It's nice to have a secret.

It is. You know, it's nice to not cannibalize every single part of your life for public consumption. Do you, how is being with her altered, like, because you talk about her on stage. Yeah. But does she have veto power? Do you run things by her first? Yeah. Like, how does that work for you?

Because that has been an adjustment for me. For sure. I mean, I think I just had this conversation like last night because I was like, she has weird things that will come up for. I'm like, that didn't even cross my mind. Same. So we have a rule. I always want her to come to every show. I don't invite her to every show.

The baseline is like, I want you there. So when you come to shows, I know that's because you want to, not because I've asked you to come. And then she's now been like, when I do come to your shows, she's like, you cannot say, oh, my wife is here because she's like the whole crowd starts to look for me. And she is more introverted. She's not looking for that kind of attention. She doesn't get shit about that. And she's also just like more, I'm like an open book. and she's like, I want people, you have to like know her powerful.

I'm like, who are you? What is that? But she doesn't want like a room full of lesbians being like, no, where is like the wife? So I can't out her at shows. And I've just like been talking about her for me as a comedian. I'm like, everything is fair game in my life, in my personal life. Yes. But then you add somebody, right, who has their own boundaries that I don't know until I know them.

But I give her veto power on anything. And there are certain things that I don't feel like they're my place to necessarily speak on for her experience. Yeah, I guess the big problem for me is that I thought he would be a well of material. And our relationship and our marriage would be a well of material. And unfortunately, we're just very happy and functional and respectful of each other. So there's not a lot there. My biggest joke right now about my wife is that she's better at sex than me. And I'm like, that's kind of it.

My only thing is like talking about how, you know, he's white. That's like that's the big one for him. I will say he has vetoed a couple of jokes. And they're mostly for the benefit of like this is the main problem. It's not that he veto stuff or that he's uncomfortable with certain jokes about him or that involve him. It's that his parents follow my career religiously now. Oh, I see. And so they will watch.

They will consume everything and be so proud of me. But I also know they don't need to hear certain details about our sex life, and they don't want to hear that. And, you know, my first instinct is to say, then don't stick it out. But I understand that, you know, this is like, I'm their son now too. Right. And they want to support me. And I think that's very lovely. They watched Fire Island the night, it came, midnight it came out and said they loved it.

And then privately told their son, maybe we learn too much. And that's fine. And that's fine. But that's on them for watching it right away. I know. It's just such a fine line because when you've spent 15 years building a career around utilizing every single thing that happens to you for material and then suddenly you have to be considerate of another human being that's entwined in that life that you've been utilizing, it is a very difficult thing to figure out. And it's so hard to know. I have a pretty good gauge of what I think is something that is not for public consumption

about my wife or our relationship. But then, like, I just had a clip come out from my podcast, and I'm like, babe, isn't this so funny? I'm showing Nazara. It's a clip of me being like, oh, and then I want to, I pin down my wife, I grab her arm and I sniff her armpit, and it's the most fun part of my day. And I was like, isn't that funny? My wife was like, of all the things, that's the clip. And I'm like, oh, is that the line for you?

I'm like, that's so. That's like, to me, that's like, that is nothing. The people who pull clips for podcasts, I swear to God. Psycho. What are they doing? Right. Where, there he is. I think it's because I go cross-up.

I'm kidding. I'm kidding. Actually, whoever does ours is pretty good. Good. They usually, they make it. They make it pretty, they always pick the right ones. Sweet days. Sweet days.

You made it through the pandemic together. Yes, we did. And that is a sign for me, every relationship that started before and made it through, I'm sort of like, that's a lock. Yeah. That's a lock. That's a wrap. We got what we needed.

You know, everybody go home. We're locked. I mean, I remember because we were already, we had decided to move in together February, 2019. Whoa. So she was moving in already. Do you mean 2020? Was it? It was 2020.

2019 was the golden year, baby. Wait, was it? We had everything. Why'd they call it COVID-19? Am I losing my mind? That's a really good question. In fact, it hit before. It hit because I remember we spent, we were in New Year, we were spending my, me and my friends were in PV, Porta Viarta for New Year's that year. And I remember getting home from a party like 4 a.m. flopping on my bed, looking at Twitter and seeing a mention of it for the first time and being like, well, this thing that happened in China, I'll never have to worry about. Let's talk like, I'm more concerned about this fucking Iranian general. We just assassinated. Remember the first time we were going to war with Iran? What a time. Oh my God. Every single time it happens, I have the best sex of my life.

No, it is. So I remember, yes, it did start in 2019, but February 2020. It's when the lockdown was, yeah. So February, we decided to move in before they did whatever. And being already a couple that was established and we were like, we want to live together before things got crazy and then watching all of our other friends. friends in relationships completely fall apart during the pandemic. And we were like, this is going to show you your relationship.

Yeah. It's either showing the cracks or the glue. And we got a ton of glue out of that. We were having the best time. I know a couple who broke up post-pandemic, made it through the pandemic. Oh, wow. Broke up shortly before it ended because it wrecked them. And now we're getting back together.

And I think like for me... Interesting. I guess like my thing is just like... They see the world to be falling apart? No, I think they need... Well, like the outside world, they just couldn't spend 24-7 together, which is fair. That's totally fair. That's totally fair.

That's not normal. Right. You know, like if you can't escape the person, like, I, you know, we both have separate lives that we lead to. And like, that's very important, I think, to have. Because you know what we decided recently is that we need to spend more time with our friends individually and not just be a unit. Because I think what we've been finding is that we've been melding into each other so much. that we are losing a little bit of our own individual, jesh.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And so making time to make sure that he's seeing some of his good friends, who are also my friends, you know, wouldn't be weird if I showed up, but like to spend that individual time with people and to like go out if the other wants to stay home or something like that. And normalizing that has been really helpful too. Oh, for sure.

My wife decides to, so my wife runs like a couple of book clubs. and what I have found to be perfect is if she has her book club night and then I'm gone, but I come back right in the last like 15 minutes of her book club. So I get to show up, right? And she like kind of shows me off. And I like make her a tea or I refill her drink or something and all of the, everyone's like, your wife is so nice, but I don't like talk too much. I just say hi and then I'm gone.

And that's all that that's all that they need from me. is just to see a little bit of like, oh, I do exist, but this is your thing. She's the star. This is your thing. She's the star tonight. Exactly. I'm the side character who just like is a little bit of a lackey. And that is nice.

It's nice because it's a change. I will say my husband is not an introvert like your wife is. And my husband was very much used to his entire life being the star of his own life. And it was something we really had to work through at the beginning of our relationship. And now even still is something that we can. continue to work on, which is making sure that he knows that he is the star of his own life still. And I, you know, want to center him in as many interactions that we have because it can get, I mean, the way people treat him when I'm not in town sometimes really is mask off like bullshit. Like the, the, it's crazy sometimes when people reveal that they were only nice to him before because they were.

wanted access to me. And that is, and that becomes evident when I'm not in town and they come up to a metaparte and ask where I am. And then they'll say Dallas and then they, without another word, just turn around and walk away. And he doesn't get the invite to the after party. It's crazy. This has happened a few times. And it's very useful information for me to have.

I will say that because it's like those people are persona non grata in my fucking house now. Yeah. So, but it is, it isn't an important thing. I think even for you having an introvert. herded wife to take moments to make sure that she is the center, she is the start, because God knows we could suck it all up. Forever. Forever.

Until it's gone. A bottomless well of need. Can never be filled. Never be forever. So you made, what was your secret to making it through lockdown together? Do you think? Well, I also kind of going back to, we were both busy a lot. I was working.

She was working. That's nice. We were not like, oh, we're both just here. Like I've been missing her since then. I still haven't gotten enough of her time. I still can't get enough of her attention, which is, I think like, also we were nesting because she just moved in. And we found ways to just like really support each other. I got sober during that time, which I think also helped with like being able to like sense other people's needs more when you're not hammered all the time.

If you would if you can even believe that. And I think like that combination of like, I start. started to go to therapy. I got sober and all that happened during 2020 during the lockdown. So I was still able to, I don't know, I feel like it really cemented that it's like we're going to do, we're going to get through this thing together as like we are feeling like our own family now because we couldn't reach our families. So I don't know. It just like really like locked it in. God forbid, heaven forbid, we went through another thing like that. Would you approach it any differently now that you're seven years deep, married, et cetera? I mean, listen, it sounds so bad because what a horrific.

time for everybody. But we like fucked a lot and did puzzles. I was like, I would do it. No, and here's the thing. I feel, and I feel like I'm like conjuring this, so I want to be really careful. Yeah. But we would fucking nail it if we were trapped inside together for however long. I'm sorry. Like we do really, we're couch boys. Yeah. We couch rot like so much. And it's just like, I don't feel guilty about it. Yes. I don't want anything else. I just want to sit on the couch and actually watch and play a video game for a couple hours. That's fine. by me. I don't want to go anywhere. Yeah, no. She wants to read. I want to watch her read a little bit. We're happy. We would ace another lockdown. I have no problem with that. I'm actually kind of tired.

Yeah. No, I mean, that's the thing, man, is that like the first two weeks of lockdown, snow day. Felt great. A hundred percent snow day. Felt amazing. Yeah, we're watching Tiger King. A little break. I get to binge. I get to, you know, eat and watch. You know, it felt like a nice reprieve because I was, I was, I I remember I was very busy in that moment. And boy, did I miss being busy real quick. But, yeah, I mean, I would love like a week-long shutdown. God. I say that from a position of immense privilege, and I realize that.

We know that it's bad. We're not conjuring that. No, no, no, no. I'm not secreting that. It's not on the vision board. Right. I'm just saying I would love to, maybe our honeymoon is just we're going to tell people that we're in Spain. Yes.

But stay home. Oh, I love. That sounds awesome, actually. That sounds amazing. I actually feel really bad that I just feel that on air. I feel like, I'm getting less extroverted or something where I'm like, I want to be at. I definitely feel that. I definitely feel that.

I think part of that, part of my introversion, I've always been a bit of a mix and especially shy when you first meet me. But like, he is much more extroverted than I am. So by comparison alone, I think I've receded a little bit more and am satisfied with less my social battery just feels smaller too than it used to. I don't know. Who proposed to who? I proposed to her first. She countered.

Wow. She countered. I'd say a lot of lesbians are doing that. As though it's judo or something like that. Yes. 100%. So you proposed, how quickly did she count her? It honestly took longer than I would have liked.

Why did she feel the need? Why was that necessary? I wanted it. Yes. Oh, you wanted it. I wanted it. I wanted it. I want all of the attention I can get.

Yeah, that's fair. I proposed to her, and we were in the Florida Keys. I did this, like, cute, like, TikTok trend, and then on the last one flipped it, I was, like, on my knees so we can always watch it, which I love. That is very cute. And I then, because we had designed the rings. It's like, I turned my grandparents' rings into two new rings with her diamond. And so, like, we got it ready.

But the whole time I kept being like, but I'm not ready. Let's just have these ready because I, like, had one paycheck. And I was like, I think now it's, it's either. now or who knows if I can never afford these rings. And then we got them. And then after I proposed to her, it was like one month, two month. And then I was, now I'm like, okay, I have to publicly shame you in front of our friends. So then she would have a ring and I would be like on stage or in spaces.

And I'd be like, well, I still don't have a ring because she hasn't proposed to me yet. And then finally, I think like four months later, she took me back to Santa Barbara. Oh. Where we had our first date. Yeah. And did it there. You know, it's funny. I proposed to him.

I didn't, I guess, I didn't need it, I guess. But I also like you love attention. So I'm surprised I didn't need it. But we did have a video, our Korean tour guy, we were in Korea. Oh, wow. At the end of our engagement video that she is taking a video of it happening. She just goes to this boat full of old Korean men fishing off the side. All right.

Now, everyone, please clap. Please clap. No one claps. Not a single person clapped. I think, yeah. It was like fully jabbush on the boat in Korea, begging people to clap for our engagement. And none of these people would even look up.

I'm not even sure they knew what was happening. Of course. They're fishing. That is, that is adorable. Sweet days. Sweet days. So now that you're married, you're living together, Um, this is the question that everybody wants to ask you when you're freshly married.

Right. What's changed? I feel like, I feel completely different. Really? Yeah. This is so, so interesting because people have been asking me this and I say nothing has changed. We're operating exactly the same. The future is put in perspective for me a lot sharper now.

Yeah. But like, so what, what, how have you changed? I feel like, I feel so powerful. I feel like my pacing on stage is slower. Whoa. If you, I don't know why. I feel like a level of security, which is not like I was chasing stability through marriage. It's not like I equate stability to marriage.

Right. But I feel like it's made me feel a little bit older maybe to be married. And I've been wanting to feel older my whole life. And so finally, I think that has helped me. I feel like more also, yeah, you feel more future oriented. Like these things, I've also felt like because her and I'm not. I are like, we, in the, you know, planning it can take so long and you're so worried about if I'm going to look okay on this day, curls can be really testy. And then having that part

over, I was like, and now, like, the rest of my other parts of my life can grow and change. And I felt like really powerful being married. And I think our, our relationship feels more, like, it feels young still, like, I think eight years. I'm like, that doesn't make sense. But I've, I have felt different in our relationship being married. Yeah. I feel like, so locked in with her all the time, even when I, because I'm on tour all the time. And so I don't know. I just feel like this level of like, it's always been there. It's not like I haven't connected to her and then we got married, but I feel like something about it. I also like didn't know I could get married because I came out before it was legalized. And so something that feels so legitimized

in like straight culture as this thing that everybody is supposed to be doing. And then to do it in a way that felt so authentic to me and to her. And for it to be so queer, I've just felt like I feel really like, I don't know, powerful. That's dope. That is dope. Do you want kids? No. No.

Neither of you. No. You're not, there's nothing inside you going, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, let's get to work. Bless. And maybe that's a gender thing. I have zero interest in being somebody's mom. Yeah.

That feels so womanly that I can't handle that. But I don't want, we have like a God baby that we love and she's two. and we spend so much time with her, but I have no, I have to live life for like me. Yeah. I think if our listeners are going to take one thing home with them from this conversation is, I think they get that. I think you've made that loud and clear. I could not like do.

And she can't either. And she doesn't. She doesn't zero desire to. And no, no pressure from the family either. I think there is pressure from my parents, but that's, you can't have a baby for some, for your mom. That's fucking crazy. Terrible idea.

No. Terrible idea. Zero. Do you guys want kids? Yeah. You know, I was sort of always traditionally on the fence. I have a very famous joke in my special about how I don't think gay men should be having kids. That gay men who have kids have misunderstood the assignment of why we're here.

But I have since meeting my husband, I think it was hard to conceptualize having kids when I was single because I was thinking about it in the context of my life then. And like, oh God, that would be way too hard. I don't want to do that. And it never once dawn on me that like the missing piece was having a partner who I suddenly was like, oh, I'd be doing this with him. Yes. And we'd collaborate on something pretty cool, I think. And so he really wants kids. The big question for us now is like adopt or surrogacy.

And it feels crazy. The more and more things go on to introduce a new, brand new life into the good. equation of what's happening. So it's, I think I'm leaning more towards adoption. Obviously, it's very personal for me as an adoptee. But like, it just seems like, I believe like we got it. There's a lot of, there's a lot of, you know, babies out there rolling around. Nobody's taking care of them. They're on. And they're rolling. They're just rolling around. They're like loose shape. Let's just, yeah, let's just nab one of those loose babies. I think like also with the whole, I think unfortunately, and I don't know what this is and this is

fucked up let me know. If I make too much money, I feel like I will have to have a kid. Oh, that's fair. Like, if you're like a morality wise, you can't just have, you have to do something. Is that? Is that fucked up? I don't think people should have so much money. Sure. Give it away. You don't have to have a kid. But you don't have to create generational wealth. If you're concerned, if your concern is having too much money, then generational wealth does not seem like the answer to that. You're so right. I think you should Melinda Gates it. I would love to give it away. Get it. Yeah. A philanthropist.

Yeah. Of course. So this is a lofty question. So take your time thinking about it. But what's the secret? How do you make it work? What's the secret? What is the one thing that our listeners can do to make it last?

Last through a pandemic. Through eight years, ups and downs, long distance, all of it. What was the thing? It's surprisingly simple. You have to just like your partner. And there's a lot of people that put other things. above that. They will be with somebody that they don't like because they have this, this, that, or they want these things to happen and they try to make it work with somebody that they don't

actually like. Yeah. Like I oftentimes am like, oh, I just wish everybody could like marry Nazara and be with her because it would be so healing and so helpful. But that's because her and I are so good together. There are. Yeah. That's it. You have to find somebody that you like. I think that because like there is a difference. I know, I agree. I know people who love their partner, but I don't know if they like them. Right. And that is a key thing. Because if you have an armada of ships, okay, and the armada is doing great. But there's like one or two of the little pontoons that are maybe suffering, you don't blow up the whole armada because one or two little pontoons are suffering. But if one of the big ships is on fire, say goodbye to your armada.

And liking your partner is the big ship. Exactly. Media diet is the pontoon. You know, it's like if you guys can't agree on what to watch on TV, I think the ships will be. ships are going to be fine. You can go to war still with the ships that you have. If the big one is on fire, you do not like your partner as a person. It just like the whole fleet is fucked. Whole fleet's fucked. You have to like each other. It's my favorite analogy. It's really good. I'm loving the fleet. Shout out to the Navy. It's simple, but people, oh, people. I think people

really underestimate that that aspect of it because I think I think like you know representation of of love and couples and especially long-term couples has shown us that like I think we have heard that love is more important or that like it's normal to be to dislike your spouse at a certain point um it's work the old ball in chain um but no I think a fundamental thing that should exist in your relationship is is an enjoyment of the person that you are with. And if you're not feeling that joy, then, I don't know, maybe you're driving right now and you need to pull over and think about it.

Think about it. Yeah. Think about it. I feel like your partner is usually the person that you want to spend the most amount of your time with and that you want to be around. And I feel like also to want pure happiness for that person. I think also helps a lot. Yeah.

I see other relationships and I'm like, do you want them to be happy? Because you seem, you seem like you, there's like a darkness in there. Yeah. People who are, who are so clearly miserable because of their relationships, it's always a puzzle to me. But on the same token, like, it's so, I get it though on some level because like when I hear about, first of all, do you feel, are a lot of your friends breaking up right now, a lot of people in your social circle?

It is in the air right now. It is crazy. It's nuts. How many long-ass relationships are people are breaking up. And when I hear someone who's been together with their partner for 15 years is breaking up, it's the scariest motherfucking thing I could ever possibly hear because I'm like, how? Right. How does that happen?

How do you invest 15 years into a person? Right. And then suddenly it's over? Right. Like that is the fact that that could happen, I don't think it will happen. But the fact that that's even a possibility is so crazy to me. It's nuts to have all of that time. And I know a lot of people that have been together for 15 years that two months ago are like it's over.

I mean, it's like a freaky little time. Yeah, something's in the air. Yes. I don't know if it's, you know, just general bad vibes from the, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, there's something. I also feel like I am, and this is, I mean, listen, a little woo-woo, but I do think Nazara and I, our souls will find each other in the next life. Like, I think that we're soulmates, so I don't think, like, when I think about, oh,

I can't believe we've done it for eight years or like thinking we're going to 15 years or 20 or 30, and I'm like, well, we're, we'll go beyond this lifetime. And I'm sure we found each other in another one before. I do think that the big thing is, is growing together in the same direction, which is not something you can always control. True. And I think, like, a lot of my friends that I've seen who are in the 15-year-long relationships who are now, you know, ending things is that they simply grew in different directions.

Yeah. And that's a really difficult thing to control, I think. And I think it's about when you meet your partner, I established really early on. I said, these are the things I want in life. And they're locked in. Like, these are fundamental things. I'm an adult now.

That's the other nice thing about getting into a relationship at 33 is I was cooked. Yes. I was like pretty fucking cooked at that point. And I knew what I wanted, what I wanted my life to look like in 10, 15, 20 years. And we talked about that really early on. And we aligned on so many of those things. And yes, you know, he could change. his mind on any of those things. I could change my mind on any of those things. But we got together

when both of us were pretty established in what we knew about ourselves. So that I just think like people don't always have those conversations early enough. Yeah, it is like a weird mix of I know what I want. Do these work with you? And then being like, there's also this weird fluidity of like life is kind of weird where you're like, if I do go this way, we've decided by commitment. We have verbally said it's going to be us forever. But in actuality, like, are you fine if I, if I need to join the circus for three years? Like, are you cool with that? Like, logistics do come into mind. And like, I, you know, I am committed. That's where the work comes in for me, I think, is people say relationships are work. And like, I do think that it requires some

work sometimes to say to your partner, I'm going to love every version of you. Even this next one, who needs to join the circus for a year, I will do the work to make sure that I remain in love with this person because that's not fundamentally different from who you are. Joining the circus is not. That's something you can work through.

Right. That doesn't change the being within. No. Yeah. Not at all. Lovely piece of advice. Go ahead and into the end game of the podcast now, Rachel, I'm going to ask you one of the questions that I ask every person who breezes on through here.

And I know you have many answers to this. But what is your favorite most memorable couple or moment from pop culture that could be movies, television, music, books, what have you. That just captures what you see as aspirational when it comes to love. Okay. Now this is tough because I'm kind of a sap. I love that.

And I love, love watching people kiss a lot. I cried in Pillion when they kissed. Wow. I did love that movie. movie. Go and see it if you have a... When they had their day together and they're in the park and they kiss, that is something that I was truly, like, moved by. I didn't expect to be moved by that movie, by the way.

On paper... A domcom does not sound moving to me or, like, um, like, sweet. Right. But it was both. It was completely tender. Yeah. It was so sweet and horny, which is like something that we need more of. Yeah, I see myself more that.

For sure. You are that. I also really was moved by, if you're familiar with Jennifer's body, they kiss each other. Uh-huh. And Megan Fox. She's already evil at this point. They're in the water. But she's not freaky evil.

They're in the bedroom. Oh, no, I know exactly what you're talking about. Yes, yes, yes. They're in the bedroom and she kind of alludes. She's like, like how we did as kids. I'll be daddy. You'll be the mommy. That to me was so powerful that moment of kissing.

Oh, mine are, I'm realizing. too horny for this question. Mine are all horned up. No, no, no, no. That's, I mean, listen, that's who you are. That's what you're bringing to the table. Yeah. I think that I love Jennifer's body. I love that scene. I love Megan Fox. Actually, I sat across from her at a dinner one time. And she literally, she was sitting there. I hadn't introduced myself yet. It was just like three of us at the table. She picks up her dinner knife, looks at herself in the knife as though it's a mirror. Incredible. Adjusts her hair and makeup. in the knife and then puts it down.

And I reached, I lunged across the table and I was like, hey, sorry, I'm gay. And that was amazing. So cool. Yeah. She used to come into the restaurant that I worked at, Tuna Niswa salad, Moroccan mint tea. Classy day. Tip 50% every time. See, you know what? Hot people can be awesome.

People don't give her the credit. She's cool. She keeps posting on Instagram for us right now too. She doesn't even have to do that. She's doing that for us. She's doing that for us. She gives, she gives, she gives, she gives. Yeah. Let's put Megan Fox in more things, I'm saying. Any other examples from pop culture? One more.

Um, if you got it. I do. There's a scene in John Tucker must die. Wow, you're really going for the deep cuts today. I have. This is all I have. It's Brittany Snow and Sophia Bush kissing in a Jeep. And to paint you a picture, I was at a 16th birthday slumber party, closeted, kissing girls in jeeps. Whoa. Watching the scene. in like a public setting being like Is this fucking movie about me? Yeah. You were like, wait, why did they choose this? Who knows? I truly was like, am I being?

Is this an intervention from my youth group? Being punked. This is happening. Oh my God. Intervention from the youth group. That is, talk about a punk band. I know that one well. Yeah.

We know that one well in a big way. Those are really great examples, Rachel. Finally, what is making you believe in love this week with something you've seen experienced or um you know it could be a baby's laugh it could be uh it could be uh it could be anything you've seen out in the world what have i seen where am i it's really because i mean it's a tough question these days yeah you know but like what is making you believe that love will persist i think it would just be your wife too i think it is we just replanted our garden together and something about having also like yeah weirdly

The longer we are together, I keep finding more shit that we like to do. That's great. Which is very cool. Because I kind of thought, I was like, I know what a relationship is. Sometimes you meal prep, sometimes you have sex, and then you both do your jobs. But I'm like, we keep unfolding random stuff that we like to do together, whether that be a hobby or sexually or whatever. I'm like, we keep discovering this stuff. And like, I planted her this garden last year for Valentine's Day.

And then I really liked it. but we recently have done it where I was like, I can do all of the work during the daytime. She works at a nonprofit during the day. And I'm like, but if you give me like an hour of time during your lunch break, I can make it so that we have one beautiful hour together gardening. And we just like had watching like your wife's hands kind of in dirt.

It's like simultaneously sweet and horny like pillion. And like that has been, it's like bigger than the garden. Like watching something that you planted grow is very cool. Feet like cooking. and feeding each other something you ate is very cool. But like I really have been, as I took a bunch of pictures of her in the garden,

I was looking at them all day and I'm like, holy shit, this is like a life that we're literally cultivating. And I feel like that's really like powerful and I don't take it lightly. Yeah, that's a beautiful answer to the question. You seemed like you were going to struggle and then you nailed it.

And then we got it. It was gardening, of course. Rachel Scanlan, thank you so much for joining me on today's podcast. Where can the people find you if they want to find information on either of your tour, or any of the stuff you got going on. You can find me at Rachel Scanlan Comedy,

where you can get tickets is Rachelscanloncom. My podcast is called Two Dikes and a Mic at Two Dikes and a Mike. For tickets for that tour. A tough pod for some people to talk about. Some people have a hard time. And I'll tell you what, I'm getting shadow banned all the time. Yeah, I should work on that. Yeah, smart name.

Why did I pick that? I don't know. The rhyme. Yeah. I love the rhyme. You got it. Listen, you paint yourself into a corner with the rhyme and you can't get out. You can't get out.

that's amazing. Definitely check out Rachel Scanlan stuff. You guys, that's been the episode today. If you liked what you heard, please go and give us a rating. Five stars only. I only pay attention to the five-star reviews. I scroll right past anything below that. And listen, we'll be back next week with more Bad Dates for you. I cannot wait for you to hear it because I know it's going to be good. I just know it. Goodbye. Bad Dates is a production of Smartless Media created by Robert Cohen. Executive producers are Robert Cohen and Stuart Bailey. Produced, edited, and engineered by Devin Torrey Bryant. Produced by Ann Harris. Edited by Kyle McGrath. Associate producer is Maddie McCann. Social media producer is Tommy Galgana.

Executive producers are Sean Hayes, Will Arnett, and Jason Bateman. Executive producers for smartless media are Richard Corson and Bernie Komensky. Music by Cushie and Evan Schleller. If you've had a bad date or would like our advice on any dating issues, please tell us about it at Bad Datespod at Gmail. or call us at 984-265-3283. That's 984-265-3-22-83. That's all for this week. We will be back for more.