Bad Dates with Jameela Jamil - Speed Dates: The Way To A Man’s Heart… (w/ Zach Noe Towers)

Episode Date: December 14, 2023

On this episode of Speed Dates, Jameela welcomes comedian Zach Noe Towers to share his stories of epic date fails, dating a couple, kittenfishing, and everything in between. Make sure to check out Zach’s podcast, After Hours with Zach Noe Towers, and, if you missed it, his previous episode of Bad Dates (also featuring Priyanka and Greta Titelman).See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Bad dates! Sweet dates! Hello everyone and welcome to a speed day version of Bad Days. Just a tiny little nugget-sized version of our usual episodes. This week we are getting into some epic dating fails. Especially some of the worst dating stories we've ever heard. And I'm joined this week by comedian and host of the podcast After Hours, the hilarious and charming Zach Noe Towers.

Oh my gosh, it's just us two. I know, Zach Noe Towers, welcome to our mini speed date for bad dates. How are you? I'm so great. I was just singing your praises to the producers about how you're one of the most naturally funny people I've ever met.

That's very nice of me to say. Thank you. I feel exactly the same way about you. And I'm very happy that you're here with me today. Now, you and I both host our own podcast. Yours is called After Hours with Zach Noe Towers. You and I have both heard some truly, truly horrific dating stories. Do you think you could even begin to pick the worst one you think you've heard? Like your standout bad day. Yeah, stand up, stand out, run out of the room screaming. Bad day.

So this one, the first one that jumps to mind actually did not happen to me. It happened to my good friend. So I do know it was true. But in the gay community, we are kind of known for like hookups. We kind of get straight to the point. So this is a hookup. And my friend went over to this person's apartment. This is in New York.

They were hooking up. And he felt something kind of brush against his foot. And he kind of shook it off. He was like, oh, whatever. But then he felt something lick his foot. And he was like, oh, your dog licked my foot. And the guy was like, oh, that, that, that, your dog licked my foot and the guy was like, I don't have a dog. And there was, there was a third party under the bed, licking his

feet. Well, as in, okay, wait, so not a rat. A person. A person. Well, yeah, no, human version of a rat. But yes, a person was under the bed and he licked my friend's feet as they were dangling off the side. Oh my god. That's so fucking foul. Is that a lie? She's so demented.

I, because, what were I first thought this was going? Because I dated someone who had dated this beautiful model, but she didn't want to have her dog outside of the room, so she allowed her dog to stay in the room. And then while they were having sex, he, I guess, was kind of in some sort of bent over position, bent over her, and then he felt looking at his balls. And it was like, I know that she liked does yoga,

but no one back flexed bull. And it turned out that her little dog had jumped on the bed and was licking his balls. It was so upsetting. So just, no. This shit is just horrendous, but that's awful. My dog. I now I'm stuck on the dog licking the balls.

That is so funny, because I feel like the dog was trying to be supportive. Like he was trying to like help in some way, but that's so funny. Well, like getting him there faster, so that everyone can go back to meal time. He's like, I need treats and I need treats now. This needs to bust a nut and get off my mom.

Do you think that when we tell these stories, that you tell these stories in your standup and on your podcast and just generally out there in your life, you've been on this podcast with your amazing stories? Do you think and just generally out there in your life, you've been on this podcast with your amazing stories. Do you think that it's scarring people for life or do you think it's kind of creating like a relief community of knowing

that we're not all alone out there? I am pulling for the latter. I want there to be so much relief in the dating and sex community because I think that does happen. People go on these dates, these things happen to them and then they shut down instead of open up. And so like, I want to hear the craziest thing to actually see that my crazy thing doesn't even come close to what other people have experienced. You know, I want to feel a part of something.

I can't believe how many people have shit their pants on dates. Like, that's been a really overwhelming understanding of dating culture for me from having done this podcast for a year. It's just how many people have emptied their assholes in the middle of the day. It's terrifying. My friend has a theory that like, everyone has a poop story.

Like, what's your poop story. And she asked that on first dates, which I think is a very bold question to ask, but she said it always results into like the funniest fit of laughter ever between her and the date. Oh, totally. I mean, sometimes it can be completely bonding like Kevin Neal and, you know, on one of the early episodes of bad dates was telling me that he had horrific, like, crippling constipation. And on his third, I think he'd gone on maybe like one or two dates with a beautiful, wonderful woman, and he had to call her.

And she thought he was calling her to Arthur another date, but he was like, I'm so sorry, I don't have anyone else to call. I need you to go to the pharmacy and get me a suppository. And they hadn't kissed, they hadn't had sex, but she hadn't seen him naked from the waist down. So she came over, she did it, she went to the pharmacy, bought the suppository, and like 30 years later, they're still married. And the happiest couple in Hollywood. Yeah. Yeah, the most in love couples. So sometimes the anus really can be the portal to true love, which is unexpected, but true. The way to Amanda is there is anus.

That's wild. Sweet days. Hello listeners, this is Mike Corey of Against the Odds. You might know that I adventure around the world while recording this podcast. And over the years, I've learned that where I stay when I travel can make all the difference. Airbnb has been my go-to place for finding the perfect accommodations. Because with hotels, you often don't have the luxury of extra space or privacy. Recently, I had a bunch of friends come down to visit in Mexico. We found this large house and the place had a pool, a barbecue, a kitchen, and a great

big living room to play cards, watch movies, and just chill out. It honestly made all the difference in the trip. It felt like we were all roommates again. The next time you're planning a trip, whether it's with friends, family, or yourself, check out Airbnb. To find something you won't forget. Hi, it's me, the Grand Puba of Bahambad, the OG Green Grump, the Grinch, from Wanderie. Tis the Grinch Holiday talk show is a pathetic attempt by the people of O'Vill to use my situation

as a teachable moment. So join me, the Grinch, along with Cindy Luhu, Hello, everyone. And of course, my dog Max, every week for this complete waste of time. Listen, as I launch a campaign against Christmas cheer, grilling celebrity guests, like chestnuts on an open fire. Now try to get my heart to grow a few sizes, but it's not gonna work, honey.

Your family will love the show! As you know, I'm famously great with kids. Follow Tiz the Grinch Holiday Talk Show on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. You can listen to Tiz the Grinch Holiday Talk Show early and add free right now by joining Wondery Plus. When it comes to dating for you, are you meeting, are you sort of, you know, meeting people out in the wild or are you finding them on apps? What do you find to be the most helpful? Because I feel like we're going through like a rejection of app culture now.

Everyone's fucking sick of it after the pandemic. Yeah, we are going through that and I feel that very much too. And I even have a joke about how I like to hunt for my dick in the wild, like a slutty pilgrim because there is something very exciting about for nuts and berries, if you will, to get me through the winter.

But there is something to be said about like that electricity you feel when you realize you're flirting with someone and they're flirting back and you're like, oh my God, like this feels good. Cause app culture, like I think we're desensitized to it. Like we get notifications now and we're like, oh great, what's this asshole gonna do? What, how much time is this person gonna waste?

Like, I will say that said, I recently matched with two men separately on Tinder who are a married couple and I've gone on three dates with this married couple. And it's been very, I know. I know! Oh my God, what's it like? Are they competing for your attention? What's going on?

Like, how is their dynamic? They are very much in love. They've been together eight years. I, like, okay, this is a perfect example. First date was walking around the grove and then going to see a movie. And so we walked and talked and... Do you sit in the middle or on the side?

So my seat, my assigned seat was on the side, but they were like, why don't you sit in the middle? And I was like, okay. And then like 10 minutes in the movie, there's one that's my size and one that's much taller than both of us. And in the middle, and eight 10 minutes in the movie, the smaller one goes, can I put my hand on your leg?

And I was like, yes you may. And he did. And then tall guy put his hand on my leg. So Jamila, I got like a leg massage for like an hour and 10 minutes. These guys just like rubbing my leg. Like, could you even walk afterwards? It's like wagyu.

That's my sausage. That's too much sausage. As fuck. But then we got to the, so you know, the Grove Parking Structures huge. We were on the seventh floor. and it was empty by then, by the end of the movie. So went up there, made out with one, turned around,

made out with the other, turned around, made out with the first one, turned around, made out with the other. It was so fun. It was so much fun. Oh, man. So I, yeah, I feel like you have a very open approach. And also like that takes so much confidence to be able to handle two people who know each other really well

against one and to enjoy being the kind of, I don't mean this inappropriate, but the fairy on top of the Christmas tree is what I meant to say, but let's just say the gold star. No, fairy, I take the wrong way. No, I love it. I give you permission. I love it when you pronounce it. I love it when you pronounce it.

I love it when you pronounce it. I love it when you pronounce it. Okay, it's just checking. And lastly, something I want to know because I feel like when you've collected a wealth of this kind of dating data, what have you decided the best way to tap out of a bad date? Do you just see it all the way through

and just fuck your way out of it or do you call it and leave? Oh, but so I think this is an evolution as you get older, you waste less time. So like when I was younger, I'd be like, oh, I'll just get drunk and like, you know, get through this day. And then as I got older, I was like,

oh, I'll just do a coffee with this person. And now if I don't feel it, I'm like, I, you know, I don't know if you're feeling this too, but I'm not picking up on much chemistry. So like, I've got a pretty busy day that I'm gonna get back to. I, you know, thanks for meeting me. But like, as you get older, you don't want to wait.

You don't want to be uncomfortable. You know what I mean? But you also don't want to be unkind. So do you have like a sort of... Oh, a template? This is the thing. If they're a nice person, like if they're like genuinely like they're,

I won't cancel on a person like that. If they're rubbing with the wrong way, or if they're being rude to a waiter, or if they're like scoffing at things that I say, I really don't care about being fine. Well, they're not matching that same energy. Yes, I'm like, ah, you know what? I'm gonna let you get back to your wonderful life

and I'm gonna skidaddle, you know. When it's about chemistry, it can't be something that someone takes. I feel like as a personal rejection, so it makes them feel like, okay, you know what? If it's not fit, it's not fit. Yeah, we had a drink, it was fine, two people were kind to each other and now we leave it. Exactly. And it's the best reason. The truth will always be the best thing, because if you're like,

oh, I have to go like, let my dog out, they might be like, oh, I'll come with you. You know what I mean? And then like, if you don't just say like the chemistry's not there, they're going to keep trying to like be with you in some way. Yeah, yeah, although I am still complicit in being the emergency phone call for all of my really friends. Oh, you do it for them. Yeah, they I call them with an emergency and because of the internet, things like me are such a drama queen anyway.

Everyone believe that I'm having some sorts of genuine emergency. Um, also like, if I was on a date with someone who was like best friends with you and you called, I'd be like, go, fucking go save Jamila. Like, we need her. Like, get out of here. No one needs me because I'm so cute.

Yes, I do. Oh, man. So do you feel like, before we wrap up, you have a kind of dating philosophy now that you want to pass on to other people. Do you have like a nugget of dating advice that you like? Um, yeah. Okay. So this is in regards to the epidemic of kitten fishing and like cat fishing.

Oh, kitten fishing. It's like, um, more innocent than cat fishing. Oh, cat fishing, it's like more innocent than cat fishing. So it's like, it's like if you are bald and you wear a hat in all of your profile pictures, if you say you're like, you know, 48 instead of 52, it's like these little things that you're like, ugh, like it is them, but it's like, you know you're lying. Like you know you're, cut it out.

Please cut it out, because it's just like that doctor sus, like the people who a mind don't matter and the people who matter don't mind. If you lie at the start of the dating process, it's gonna be found out. Like it's gonna be found out. And like, if you're with someone who wouldn't be with you because you you don't have hair or your 52 instead of 48, like you don't want to be with that person. So just like, please have the confidence to just love yourself

enough not to lie on like dating apps. For sure. And thank you for introducing me and probably hundreds of thousands of other people. The term Kitten Fishing. That's my favorite thing I've heard in ages. Zach, you remain the absolute best on the most and most enlightening. Where can people find you and what do you want them to see or hear? Evergreen content, Zach Noe Towers on all platforms, ZAC, H-O-E-T-O-W-E-R-S, and yeah,

listen to After Hours with Zach Noe Towers. It is on Series XM, but they're releasing it as a podcast now too. So it's on like Apple, Spotify, wherever you get your podcasts. Yeah, check it out. Amazing. Thanks.

Thank you. Bad dates. Bad dates is produced by Smartness Media and Wondery. Executive producers are Robert Cohen and Jameena Jamil. That's me. We will see you next time for more. Bad dates. Smart. Blush. That's me, we will see you next time for more! Bad dates! Spark

Blurred Sneeeeer Hello Prime members, you can listen to bad dates early and add free on Amazon Music. Download the Amazon Music app today. Or you can listen early and add free with Wondery Plus in Apple podcasts. Before you go, tell us about yourself by completing a short survey at Wondery.com slash survey. Hi, it's me, the Grand Poova of Bahambad, the OG Green Grump and Grinch. From Wondery, Tis the Grinch. From Wandery!

Tis the Grinch holiday talk show is a pathetic attempt by the people of O'Vill to use my situation as a teachable moment. So join me, the Grinch, along with Cindy Luhu. Hello, everyone. And of course, my dog Max. Every week for this complete waste of time. Listen, as I launch a campaign against Christmas cheer,

grilling celebrity guests, like chestnuts on an open fire. complete waste of time. wherever you get your podcasts. You can listen to Tis the Grinch Holiday talk show early and add free right now by joining One Re Plus. [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪