Bad Dates with Jameela Jamil - Speed Dates: Weird Holidates (w/ Kurt Braunohler and Scotty Landes)

Episode Date: December 28, 2023

On this episode of Speed Dates, Jameela welcomes comedians and hosts of the Bananas podcast, Kurt Braunohler and Scotty Landes, to answer your weird holiday dating questions, give their advice about breaking up before or after the season, and leave haunted by the phrase “The Big Brown.” Follow Kurt on social media @kurtbraunohler, check out the Bananas podcast every week, and, if you missed it, Kurt’s previous episode of Bad Dates (also featuring Ophira Eisenberg).See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Bad dates. Sweet dates. Hello and welcome to another speed day episode of Bad Dates. Today I am joined by the hilarious comedians and hosts of the Banana's podcast, Kurt Bronola and Scotty Landers. Welcome, Kurt and Scotty. Hello.

Hi, good to see you again. Nice to see you again. So you've been on this podcast before, Kurt, and then I had the pleasure of meeting Scotty. Well, I met Scotty before because we did the misery index together, but I was able to come on your podcast bananas, which was one of the funniest and wildest times of my podcast life. Thank you for having me. It was truly insane. It was truly, it's very rare. Like, you know, so many interviews are just like, run of the mill shit. shit and I I still can't get over any of the things that you asked me about or

told me about on that episode everyone should go listen but I'm thrilled to have you here and and Scotty welcome to bad dates welcome to the bad dates family thank you such a joy to be on I appreciate it now for today's episode some of our listeners are sent in some weird dating questions that I think are perfect for you. Please let us know how you would have handled these situations. Okay, so first up, someone said, my girlfriend's family always makes everyone go around the table and share some examples of Yul Thai joy. Oh man. Oh boy. I've got nothing this year. Can you help me fake it? Great question. Great question.

I fucking hate going around the table, by the way. It feels, it always becomes competitive. Everyone always starts to become really self-conscious. And then everyone's so cheesy. And if you try and say something, ungracious to be funny, it almost always flops. It's just a fucking nightmare. People get stage fright.

I really hate it so much. This year, on Thanksgiving, I told my friends that we're gonna go around the table and everyone's gonna complain about something. Good. And that actually worked a wonder. What are we not thankful for? Yeah, and people start to cry.

There's always tears. And then if one person starts to cry because they're so grateful then other people start to up up their emotional game and then there's a thing. And then someone just has to split their throat at the end of the cable. But then there's also like right with suit

is like you know you have to say something, means you immediately stop listening to what everyone else is saying. You're like, I gotta get a thing. I gotta get a thing. I gotta get a thing. That's so true. Okay, so what are we giving this person? you're like, I gotta get a thing, I gotta get a thing, I gotta get a thing. So true. Yeah. Oh.

Okay, so what are we giving this person to say for their youth eyes, Joy? Actions speak way louder than words, right? I mean, you're right in a way, this seems so awkward and everybody's gonna say family, friends, health, all the normal things. I think there's still time to do this. So this person should get their partners face of really flattering photo,

printed on a t-shirt, and wear sweater over the t-shirt the entire time until it's their time to speak about their happy about. Then when they go, what did bring me the most you'll tie joy this year? Stand up in front of everybody and peel off the sweater and reveal your partner's face. Then, double down on it by getting the same photo temporary tattoo on your back. Take off your shirt, turn around, show them her face again. And then you can win them back by if somebody goes, is that real? You say, no, no, no, I'm crazy for her, but I'm not that crazy.

And then everybody will feel relaxed that their daughter is not dating a true, complete lunatic, just a halfway one. Halfway there. I was so impressed. And then you really lost me. You really did lose me. No, because the first half, I was like,

did he just fucking come up with this off the top of his head? Have you ever done that before? No, but I think that would be a great thing to do because everybody would be like, we love it. And then you don't have to say a word. Yeah, but why do you ruin it? Why did you take it too far with the like, topless back tattoo? That's what the name is. That's my favorite part. Yeah. She's sick. See, I was like, I like the first part, but then the second part, he would double down. I was like, now I the first part, but then the second part, he would have doubled down. I was like, now I'm into this. And now, then, kind of this is her to her family. Just like, I like her, just not that much.

Okay. Okay. Cur, what are you suggesting? How the fuck do you top that? I would say something that, because it's about the ULTI joy, it's about the spirit of giving, I would love something that leaves people questioning just a little bit. They're induit at first, but then they're a little, and that's why I kind of like the back tattoo.

But I would say that he says, you know what? I did something. I wanted to experience ULTI joy. So I went out just earlier today and everyone I saw, I gave some food to. I took out this bag of russet potatoes and I gave everyone I met, one russet potato. Uncooked? Uncooked, yeah.

You know what they have it for the future. They can do what they want with it because he doesn't want to, or that person doesn't want to, you know, make any decisions about how they take their potato, you know, if they want to jack it, roast it. Those were both so fucking weird. I hope that was helpful.

I do think the T-shirt was an excellent idea. Okay. Okay, great. We can start up there. I think the potato based virtue signaling is a little strange. It's a little strange, but I, yeah, I'm into that. I'm into that. Anything but speaking.

That's right. I'm really into interactions. I'm really into actions. I think that's great. I think that was really, really great, very, very clever. All right, next up, I was dating a guy for a while and I was really into actions, I think that's great. I think that was a really, really great, very, very clever. All right, next up, I was dating a guy for a while and I was really into him. He seemed normal until one night we dared each other

to take shots at Yaga Meister. I forgot how many we took, but I'll never forget what he shared with me. He said years before he was overseas and had this crazy rash on his arms. A local doctor knew what the problem was. It was, oh my God, I'm gonna kill the producers. It was a mega my god, I'm going to kill the producers.

It was a maggot infestation. The doctors put raw bacon on his skin to draw out the larvae and it worked. I'm going to jump off my balcony now. I'm sorry guys. I'm going to take the rest of this book off. When he told me this, I was as close to spewing as you can get without letting it out. My problem was the yeganomite eventually wore off, and I could never forget about his maggot bacon trap. I think I was right to walk away. I think right to walk away. You said, some shit you just can't come back from. I'm sorry for that man, but also certain shit you should take to the grave. There are certain things about me that I just don't tell people that I know won't ever be able to unhear it and they want to have sex with me. This is that is absolutely correct. That is on him.

Also therapists exist that you can pay people to secretly. You can tell all your secrets to somebody and it never gets out. That's a great. He wanted to so bad that Yeager was just greasing the gears like the bacon fowd on his arm. He was just getting her ready. The truth will not set you free. The truth will ruin everything. Lie, lie like a dog. I hope she gave him a present before she broke up with him of a shirt

that says the amazing maggot man. And then, and then that would be, wow, because it's like you did something amazing, but I can't be with the amazing maggot, man. Sometimes the story on this podcast can really ruin my fucking day. I swear to God. Because I don't read these before I'm on the episode, so I have to find out in real time,

I'm gonna murder the producers of this show. So if anyone out there wants to be a producer on this show, you're up for a job, so I'm... I'm gonna kill him. You were right to walk away, yes. Yeah. for a job. I'm going to kill him. You were right to walk away, yes. Yes. We dance. Hello listeners, this is Mike Corey of Against the Odds. You might know that I adventure around the world while recording this podcast. And over the years, I've learned that where I stay

when I travel can make all the difference. Airbnb has been my go-to place for finding the perfect accommodations. Because with hotels, you often don't have the luxury of extra space or privacy. Recently, I had a bunch of friends come down to visit in Mexico. We found this large house and the place had a pool, a barbecue, a kitchen, and a great big living room to play cards. Watch movies and just chill out. It honestly made all the difference in the trip.

It felt like we were all roommates again. The next time you're planning a trip, whether it's with friends, family, or yourself, check out Airbnb. To find something you won't forget. Even if you read all the books, there's very little that can prepare you for parenthood. But sometimes you can find something that gives you a little insight. From Wondery, I love my kid, but shares hilarious stories and anecdotes about parenting that are actually relatable.

Like when a friend asks you to do something at 6 p.m. on a weeknight. Here's a clip from an episode. Is dinner three hours at your house? I notice that when I have company over and we have a dinner party, that is about the time. And I really want everyone to leave no later than 6'30 or 7." And only the people without kids are kind of clueless. And I'm like, no, you don't understand.

It's bedtime now and you don't want to see this. And I don't want you to see this. It is. Some horrors are about that. Yeah, they are the bots. She is the boss of us. And I don't want you to see that. Listen to, I love my kid but on the Wondry app or wherever you get your podcasts.

You can listen to, I love my kid but early and add free on Wondry Plus. Sweet days. Alright, next up, if you want to break up with someone, do you wait until after the holidays or rip the bandaid off before? Tough one, good question. Very difficult. I think this is a very, it's case by case specific, is can you, are you able to be with that person during the holidays and not have it be bad?

If it can be midway pleasant, then I say wait. If it will ruin the holidays, then you're doing both a favor by getting it over early. I am a fan of getting it done as fast as possible because what if they have an accident and then you've got to look after them but you didn't love them. I know that sounds awful. No, I know that sounds bad. But I would happily look after someone I love after an accident. But what if they break both their legs and then you have to help them shit?

You know, that's a lot. That's a lot. Yeah. In love with someone. That's a lot because you have to clean up that shit. They're not doing anything. And so the second I want to break up with someone, because I'm someone who broke my back

and I became an immense burden to my family. So I know what it's like for them to have had to deal with that burden. I don't want to have to do that for someone that I don't love. And so I break up with someone the minute I think it's over in case some sort of terrible accident happens. And now then you really can't fucking break up with someone the minute, I think it's over in case some sort of terrible accident happens and now then you really can't fucking break up with them when they broken both their legs.

I don't come across well here at all, but no one can say that I'm not sensible. Were you ever so present of mind that the person did the thing that you were like, and this has broken the back of this relationship, and I immediately break up with them. Yeah, pretty much. Yes.

Yes. In the moment, that's amazing to know that, to know yourself so well. I can't wait. I wait like about 45 minutes, and I formulate how I'm going to say it. And I leave the room, I haven't it making excuse, I come back out, and I send a text while in the room. No, I took it out. I took it out with them. But also, I think before the Christmas period is important because it's a slutty time of year. You're giving them a chance. They're people are going to have sympathy for them. It's coughing season. People want to couple up. There's more

chance of them to go out to parties and have revenge sex. I think it's the kind of thing to do. And then also something makes me feel bad about ending the year with someone that you know you're not going to spend the following year with. There's something about New Year's Eve that feels very symbolic of like, tonight is the sentiment I'm carrying into the New Year. Right. That's why we party. That's why we celebrate.

It's why we want to be with the people that we most like or love. And so I think you're setting a strange precedent, because then when are you going to do it? The first, the second, the second, you've just gone and done these meaningful moments with them, and now you're the prick who breaks up with them when they've just got less money than before the holiday season, they're already feeling like shit. I think I think it's better to do it as fast as possible, you know, because what if they slip in the ice and have a terrible accident? And also the other good things. It happens all the time.

Yeah, exactly. Also, it's tough in the States because in the US it goes, with Thanksgiving in there, and you know, it's like you go Halloween Thanksgiving in there, and it's like you go Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, Hanukkah, New Year's, Valentine's Day. Like, Bing, Bing, Bing, Bing, Bing, Bing, that season's really tough. I almost feel like in the US and then different for every country, there should be two months that are safe. And I think it should be March and August in the US,

where you should break up in March and August because you get there and there's just no holidays and then everybody's just like, I'm not in the holiday season right now. This is a safe zone to pull the plug and get on out. I know people who literally just refuse to date anyone from sort of early November until end of February because they don't buy the gifts

and go through the theatrics of Valentine's Day, Christmas, New Years, Thanksgiving, etc. And they are still alone and they're thrilled about it. I like cheap choices. You know, I actually have a kind of, if something from my life that it applies to this, is that in, it was in December when I was 31 years old that I decided we decided to, I was in a 13 year long relationship and we decided to, before we got married, we would sleep with other people for a month

to decide whether or not we got married. And so then there was like this idea that we had decided we were gonna do this thing and then it was like, okay, but when does it begin? And so what we decided was that it was January 2nd, that was what we decided, it was January 2nd, so then we went away to New Orleans for New Year's and had a very delightful time

and had had like a wonderful New Year's Eve and then came back and then promptly, like I moved out on January 2nd. And then we were never together again after that. But we just like made the very lunatic choice. Like, here we go. Is that quite emotional on like, yes. The thirst.

Totally. So like this might be our last seven years eve together. Interestingly enough, the New Orleans trip did not feel super emotional. It was coming back to Brooklyn because you're in a different place. You're on vacation. You know, it's like, there's no, exactly.

You're traveling, there's no rules. It felt different. That's fair, that's a lovely and sad story at the same time. Okay, so last but not least, I met a woman on Hint who I've been seeing for a few months. After a few dates, we were making out when she had to excuse herself.

She later confessed that she had irritable bowel syndrome. The issue is, she told me in college that her friends used to call her the big brown, and that much more than the IBS, returning into the more significant bone of crash. Any advice? That is fair. That is fair. That is fair, because IBS, everyone's got IBS. Yeah, they have it at some point or not.

I think that's fine. But the big brown sent shutters through my lungs. Yes. Yeah, I'm upset. The big brown is bad, yeah. I, yeah, the nickname, because then it instantly goes into that person's head forever. It is that person's nickname because you just can't not associate them with big brown.

Keep something to yourself. Mystery in this fucking generation is just dead. It's just dead. We've been encouraged on TikTok to just bleed out all of our truths. And we've taken that into the real world. And now look what's happening. Now look what's happening. It's ruining love. There is certain, this idea that you're supposed to share

everything with your partner, it's not true. I can tell you, as someone who's been in a nine-year relationship, never even farted in front of each other all this time. Not one single fight. Not one. Not one. The secrets of our lives and our assholes remain ours. And I think it is the key to sustained romance.

There's no reason to put that in someone's head. People just don't understand that once it's been said, it can't be unsaid. You can't men in black just wipe the memory of that. You'll always be the big brown. It's like, oh, fuck me, the big brown. Yeah. Oh, disgusting. But me, the big brown. Yeah. Oh, it's disgusting.

But yeah, I feel you. I just think, I think old nicknames should be left behind. Create new nicknames with the person that you love. And may they never be dumps to vaj, moldy girls, or the big brown. It's not, little brown is actually fine. The big brown. Little browns are publishing companies. Yeah. I. It's a big brand. Little Brown's a publishing company.

Yeah. I think it's a Quentin Tarantino movie. Yeah. I, yeah. Well, I think we've all learned a lot. And hopefully the audience feels sated with our answers. And I want everyone out there to,

I just wish you all a lot of luck with this holiday dating season. And I think just break up with people as soon as you can. If you've learned anything from me, learn that. Um, Kurt and Scotty, you've been an absolute dream before you go. Can you tell everyone where they can find you? The bananas podcast on Instagram. You can also just listen to the bananas podcast anywhere you listen to your podcasts. And for all live dates, you can find everything at Kurt comedy.com. That's Kurt with the K. Kurt with the K.

Are they with the C? There it is. And what about you, Scottie? Same. Any time, you know, you've been a guest on bananas. It's a fun. It's an oasis. It's 50 minutes of not thinking about all the shit in the world. It's the most unique podcast I've ever heard. Go on. All right, strange news and storytelling. We have wonderful guests and I think you'll like it. I definitely think you will.

All right, thank you guys. Happy holidays. You too. You too. Bad dates. Bad dates is produced by smartness media and laundry. Executive producers are Robert Cohen and Jermila Jamil. That's me. We will see you next time for more!

Hello, Prime members. You can listen to bad dates early and add free on Amazon Music. Download the Amazon Music app today, or you can listen early and add free with Wondery Plus in Apple podcasts. Before you go, tell us about yourself by completing a short survey at Wondery.com slash survey. Hey, I'm Marisha, and I'm Brooke. And we're the hosts of Wunderys podcast, even the rich, where we bring you absolutely true and absolutely shocking stories about the most famous families and biggest celebrities the world has ever seen. Our newest series is all about the Royal Spare Prince Harry. Stalked by grief and terrorized by the press, he grew up as

the black sheep of the British Royal family. But when he finally pushes through his stoic exterior and lets his feelings in, he'll have to make a choice he never thought he'd face. In our series, Prince Harry, Windsor of Change, we'll tell you how Harry discarded years of tradition to find the happiness he always craved. Follow even the rich on the Wondering app or wherever you get your podcasts. You can binge even the rich and Prince Harry Windsor of Change early and ad-free right now on Wondering Plus.

you get your podcasts, you can binge even the rich and Prince Harry Windsor of Change early and ad-free right now on Wondery Plus.