Bad Dates with Jameela Jamil - Terminal Boner Killer (w/ Laura Kightlinger, Brad Williams, and Caroline Baniewicz)

Episode Date: November 27, 2023

On this episode of Bad Dates, Jameela welcomes comedians Laura Kightlinger, Brad Williams, and Caroline Baniewicz to discuss their most iconic dating fiascos. Laura butters up the band then slides into danger, Brad has his hands full with a non-consensual snake, and Caroline’s date needs you to know he forgot the tip, like right now. If you’ve had a bad date you’d like to tell us about, our number is 984-265-3283, and our email is [e-mail], we can’t wait to hear all about it.Laura Kightlinger: What We Thought Would Happen podcast with Daniel WebbBrad Williams: bradwilliamscomedy.com, bradwilliams.veeps.comCaroline Baniewicz: @carolinebaniewicz on InstaSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Army and Navy store. What does that mean? Oh, it's like a surplus store like They have it seems like a hat they have, you know, like do you have a thing Jack Hamill go for it? No, that's just I was like I was like is it like old Navy and it's just preppy clothes or is this We used to get by the tank tops with the German Eagle on it or whatever. That brand. You did the job. I love the pause after German.

The pause after German was stressing me out. It was a Nazi story. Does anyone have a problem with that? Laura Brad and Caroline, hello, welcome to Bad Dates. How are you? Thanks for having us. Oh, I'm very excited to have you here. How is everyone? Are we well?

Yeah, we're doing well. How are you? Yeah, good. Are we ready to share? Do we feel open? Yeah, we are ready to share. I think we're ready to grow. I think we're ready to expand our heroes. Oh, that's enough. That's enough, Brad. Oh, sorry. That was an unintentional dwarf joke when I said ready to grow. Sometimes I just do, I do them on accident sometimes.

Well, I may as well start with you then, Brad. Okay. How do you feel about the world of dating? Are you into it? Do you enjoy it? I mean, not currently because I'm married, but back when I was, yeah, I enjoyed it. I enjoyed going on dates.

I enjoyed, I had a, quite the range. I would date average size women. I would date average size women. I would also date dwarf women. And so I enjoyed discovering and meeting new people. Would you say that you are a fundate? I thought I was a fundate. I'm sure if you pull all the people that I went on dates with, you might get varying results.

But I thought it was a fundate. I thought your average statistic, would might get varying results. But I thought it was a fun date. I thought it was your average statistic, would you say of being a fun date? Oh, I'd say the same with my looks, about a six or a seven. I'll fucking take that, that's higher than mine. Jesus Christ. I don't think anyone's heard that good a time

on a date with me. So Caroline, how would you say that your dating experience has been? You live in New York, right? Yeah, I'm not a big data. I feel like I don't like to waste my time. And it's such like a crab shoot, like what you're going to get. So usually I will go on there, I'll swipe, I'll have some fun. But I won't really respond to the messages.

I love that. And then if we do go on a date, it's just so much work. And I've never, yeah, I really haven't gone on that many dates. I've really dated always friends, like I've ended up dating people who I was friends with. And my boyfriend now we were friends before. I imagine the girlfriends of your friends who you haven't dated

can spot this pattern and then freak out. Because I have also dated friends and then everyone else feels petrified. Yeah, for me, it's just I have the psycho back check. It just feels like the safest way to date is someone that you've already gotten to know everything about. Especially in this day and age, if you're gonna go on a date in New York City,

like you have to hire your friend to be like, a private investigator in the back of the restaurant, like to wear a bulletproof vest. It's lovely. It is like, oh, so you're the one who blew up the friend group. You're the one who ruined all the birthday parties, you know what I mean? So then you don't really do a lot of dating.

It's just you get to know someone and then eventually, smash. But tell me about this. If you, if you are someone who also has dated friends, tell me about this, how do you like get them to take you out? Because now you're in this relationship and you're like, OK, I know we entered this as friends. But I need you to take me to dinner.

I don't like going to dinner. I like staying home and watching television together. So all like playing board games. I like staying home and watching television together, so all like playing board games. I am unbelievably dull. I have a 90 year old man trapped inside of my big buzzing body. I don't know why through that in that was completely unnecessary. It's just an unnecessary pod cast. So, I'll book bread.

Yeah. So you're not a girl. She doesn't have a dinner. She's not a girl. Yeah, but I don't. No, but it's not, I'm just not an exciting person. So for me, I think part of why I'm dating a general. She's not an exciting person. No, but it's not, I'm just not an exciting person. So for me, I think part of why I'm dating a friend is because then they won't put me through the theatrics

of romance, because I can't bear it. I can't bear it. So for me, it's ideal. Every, every move I make in this life, to your dog agrees. But every, every move I make in this life is towards laziness, is towards enabling my own laziness, including only dating people who are already in my home

for some reason. You know, they're already living there. Yeah, I met my current boyfriend at my work. Like I really, I didn't, wasn't able to do all the apps and everything for more than about 11 days. Your dog and I are vibing. Okay, that's another dog.

That's another dog. Yeah, that's another dog. Oh, that's not dog. That's another dog. No, that's not a dog. You're so blind. I was not a grease. Oh. Well, I'm having an affinity with some sort of K9. And so what about you, Laura? Big data, little data, fun data.

No, I've seemed to be like a, you know, a serial relationship person. I'll stay in until, you in until one of us nearly dies. Because you tried to kill each other? Yeah, no, just in general. I usually hang in. When I brought Garrett, my husband now, when I brought him home to my mom's house,

he was just working on his laptop, and I came in holding two guns because my mom was in North Carolina. She has guns all over her house. And I was just really afraid. I was like holding them like they were, I don't know, you know, little shit-covered racks. Yeah, I was just afraid that they were gonna go off.

I had never held a gun. And so he had to go outside and discharge the guns. So that was Christmas Eve one year. What? Oh my God. Did he think that you were and discharge the guns. So that was Christmas Eve one year. What? Oh my God. Did he think that you were bringing in the guns to be like, okay, this is how we decide if you can stay or not.

That dates. Hello listeners. This is Mike Corey of Against the Odds. You might know that I adventure around the world while recording this podcast. And over the years, I've learned that where I stay when I travel can make all the difference. Airbnb has been my go-to place for finding the perfect accommodations. Because with hotels, you often don't have the luxury of extra space or privacy.

Recently, I had a bunch of friends come down to visit in Mexico. We found this large house and the place had a pool, a barbecue, a kitchen, and a great big living room to play cards, watch movies, and just chill out. It honestly made all the difference in the trip. It felt like we were all roommates again. The next time you're planning a trip, whether it's with friends, family, or yourself, check out Airbnb to find something you won't forget. I'm Rob Briden and welcome to my podcast, Brighton and.

We are now in our third series. Among those still to come is some Michael Pailin, the comedy duo Egg and Robbie Williams. The list goes on, so do sit back and enjoy. Brighten and on Amazon Music, Wondery Plus or wherever you get your podcasts. So Laura, I would like you to tell me your story first. It's called Night Moves. This was like in 89 or 90 in Boston.

I was a little bit of a hazy. This first time I've ever been in, you know, lived in a city and I was working at an army and navy store and there was a guy there that was I thought you know really gorgeous and funny We kept missing each other on our shifts and this guy I really liked he gave me a flyer to his band I went with my girlfriend and to see see his band and We were drinking there. There's some drink specials and whatever so So we were having too much to drink because we're like 20. After they were done, I ran back to stage with my friend and was just so effusive.

Oh my God, you guys are so great. That song about wanting things to be better. I always wanted things to be better too. Just quoting the most banal bullshit sentiment, whatever that was in the song. And I noticed that his bandmates are kind of smiling at me. And then I thought, oh man, I'm fawning over this one guy too much.

John was listening. And they're kind of looking at me. And I said, I'm sorry, I mean, D'Ainbarra said, and you guys, you were all so amazing and it was really fantastic. And we were way and back in what little space we had. We were dancing the whole time. And then John said, Lord, this is so nice. I hope you feel this way when we go on stage.

Oh, no. And now it's time to debut. You're one woman show. Yeah, but here's the best one, my gloomy, got friend who had not set a word, who was kind of standing in the doorway with me, laughed so hard and so loud that she kind of crunched down in the doorway and peed.

And she peed a lot because- That's so relatable. I remember just looking down and they were, the pee was going from her combat boots to my combat boots into the room. So puddle. And I was like, oh, damn. And so then we, I kind of, I apologize. I said, oh, we were so far away. And I hadn't heard your band before. And when I apologized and backed us out of the room.

And so then later, my friend went home early, and I hung around, because I had such a crush on this guy. And he said, oh, you know, well, Fuvusar, can I just come over to my place and have some drinks? And I said, yeah, can I just go with you guys? So I got into the van with them. And that's not a thing like you can never get a ride anywhere. You know, and the team was always running too late.

So the thing, the things I've done for a ride home, I'll tell you some other time. So a couple of there are other friends come over. And then John and I go upstairs to his room. We're kind of making out a little bit. We go upstairs to his room. We're kind of making out a little bit. We go upstairs to his room. And I had this night plan, by the way. I brought a little teddy with me,

like a little bodysuit in my backpack. And it was like a kind of a lazy bodysuit thing. And toothbrush and makeup, remover and more makeup and whatever. And so we're going, we're about to go into his room, which is a wool blanket over the door. And I said, oh, just suck, yeah, just suck, I'll be right back. So he had the bathroom service. I said, I went to the bathroom. And the bathroom had like a, like just a piece of plywood over the door. And I guess it was enough for them, like five guys living alone.

That's enough privacy, whatever. So I'm in there there and I've already got kind of bed spins and I'm putting on this teddy and I'm kind of teetering back and forth, like, you know, trying to just, because it snapped at the crotch and I was hard to get it snapped. And so anyway, I'm teetering back and forth. This isn't just like, there's something so funny to me about how it is the unhotest I'll ever look is the process of putting on sexy under. Oh, yeah. It is that I look like a correct, like something out of predator.

Like I'm connected in ways to try and look exactly. Yeah. Yeah. My wife has several things that have, like she has to reach down in between your legs and snap like from the back and it's just just like, like, the woman from the ring. Yeah, it's like just like, I'm trying to put this on and I'm teetering back and forth. And I hit my shoulder against the plywood door. I fall forward and the plywood door comes

off its, like, electrical tape or whatever it's on. I don't have my teddy body suit snapped. It goes up, it just like flings up like a shade, in a cartoon, like, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, you know, like that. And it didn't sound anything like that. And then I fall on the door and slide on the door down the stairs. Wow.

Like a sled. Yeah. Yes, exactly. And it was like a narrow wooden stairs. And then I look over, I'm at the landing, naked, except for a little teddy around my neck. And I look over and his bandmates are all smoking a huka and And just the noise it must have made everybody looks at me and like it was in slow motion And I'm at the bottom of the stairs and so then I start to kind of crawl off the door

backwards And then I you know in naked and pulling the the plywood door up the stairs behind me And so then I put the door down you know lean it against the wall at plywood door up the stairs behind me and said then I put the door down, you know, lean it against the wall at the top of the stairs. Then I finally, finally, finally get the, you know, Teddy snapped and then I go into my Paramore's room, you know, I take the wool blanket aside and he's passed out on the floor on the mattress with his hand down his pants. Lovely. And snoring.

Did you hurt yourself going downstairs? Oh, yeah. Well, I had my elbows were a little bit bloody because of the plywood and I had bruises on my knees. So that was that. Okay. If I can offer a verdict here, I would say that you sound like a fucking legend. You're fucking legend.

Oh, really? Well, that's Indiana Jones levels of going through the motions to get a shag. That is un-fucking believable. And that's just putting the body suit on Indiana Jones. Yeah, that's just like it. We'd love for this to be like someone who's absolutely so famous now.

Like, what is this event? Bond joke. Oh my God, I don't even know. I wish I knew. Bond joke, yeah. So did you say the rest of the night and you just went super well? How was it? Oh yeah.

Oh yeah. I think I, I mean, I guess I was probably pretending I passed out to, you know, and hoping that the roommates were gone. I don't know. The luck of not going through that during a time of camera phones, you would be a lifelong viral sensation. Oh, gosh.

I know, my God. You're so right. Oh, it would have been hell. That could never happen now. Never, you would be famous for the rest of your life just for that one thing. Mm-hmm. Oh, man.

Oh, man. I want to ship myself in the road just before camera phones came out and when camera phones came out I'm sorry, I've said any of this but it's happened now Yeah, I ship myself in the road, right? You know, we're all human But it was on the side of the road before like before camera. No, it was right. It was on Santa Monica, Boulevard In the daytime That we need to get into that. We need to get into it.

It was a very bad day, but the point being, and God, I feel so, I feel so, I feel so heat in my chest and face now for the deep regret of having started that sentence. It's when the inside thoughts just happen on the outside. But, you were probably feeling sick and not thinking it was anything bad, right? And then... Yeah, I know I was literally fine one minute and the next minute I was just doing something really well-served and people were running away from me

in the street, like taking their children by the hand and crossing the road. In emergency, that's... If it makes you feel it better, you shitting yourself in Santa Monica Boulevard isn't the fifth weirdest thing going on on Santa Monica Boulevard. That's not the thing is that everyone was just like,

oh, another person who shits in the road. Yeah. The difference though is like, I'm so desperate. I'm like, okay, yeah, but you'd be famous. Think of the brand deals. You know what I mean? Like, that's so many. That's too much for what?

I mean, for, yeah, like so many for what I mean for yeah like so many brand any back room yeah like a tie tied pens bathroom doors for Laura yeah Laura a new body suits spokeswoman for home depot need a new door yeah how about a door that is on a hinge oh No, that would be great. It'll help. Oh, Laura, we really got away with something there. Thank you for that wonderful, wonderful story. We'll be right back.

Everyone leaves the legacy. I like Mr Gorbachev. We can do business together. For some, the shadow falls across decades, even centuries. It is unacceptable to have figures like roads glorified. But it also changes. Reputations are reexamined by new generations who may not like what they find. Picasso is undeniably a genius,

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As you know, I'm famously great with kids. Follow Tiz the Grinch Holiday Talk Show on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. You can listen to Tiz the Grinch Holiday Talk Show early and add free right now on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. You can listen to Tins the Grandcholiday talk show early and add free right now by joining Wondery Plus. And we're back. So next up, it's Brad. Brad, this is called Cold Blooded Date.

What happened? Yeah, cold blooded. So I had mentioned earlier that I've dated advertised women and I've dated dwarf women. But when I was in college, when this date took place, I see a theme here where all young and dumb when our dates happen. Sure. When I was in college, there wasn't really, social media wasn't prevalent, and I was under the impression that I had to marry another dwarf woman.

I was told by my parents, you have to marry a dwarf woman because any average size woman that has any sort of interest in me would only be for money or because they have a sick sexual fetish of which I would say okay. Yeah. I'm fine. You're parent, your parents said that? Yes, yes, yes. That's about the sexual fetish.

Well, I'm hearing is that you are rich. Wow. Those who will I just heard from that? You know, I'm hearing is that you are rich. Wow. That's all I just heard from that. You know, I'm doing okay. Yeah. I grew up all right. No one has had ever dated me for my money. I was just young.

Even now? I managed to find someone just before I had any, but I couldn't have paid them. My boyfriend's dad once said to his mother, he was like, when they first started dating, he was like, I want to take you from the squally you're living in to the squally I'm living in. Oh, that's so great. Good job.

That's so good of all. That's so good of fun. It's gonna be a movie. Yeah. And so that's the impression I was under that I had to find at War of Woman. And before the days of Social media and dating apps and like now. I'm sure you can go on various apps and like height

I want it very small like like you do we don't necessarily have a dwarf dating app out there There's not like an app called like thumble or some or something like that That's not out there. But I think it's going to be now. Yeah, someone should do it. So I didn't know how to meet dwarf women. And when I did meet dwarf women, it was under my impression of like, okay,

this could be the one, you know, like it is. So on Facebook, the early days of Facebook, when it was strictly just a college is, I had come across a dwarf female. She looked great and she was very nice to me. She had a, what I thought, a very sexy tattoo of a snake on her arm. and I thought, ooh, she's fun. So we talk and I say, hey, let's go out, let's go to dinner. And she said, let's just skip dinner and you just come to my place and meet me. And I was like, heck, yeah, here we go.

This is gonna go great. So I go to her place and then it becomes very obvious to me why she just wanted to get this out of the way because I go into her apartment and I believe this is the right word. It kind of resembles a terrarium. There's just tanks all over the apartment with different sorts of reptiles.

Oh. Just all these different types of reptiles. How many tanks are we talking? Oh, we're talking over 12. Like it is. You know, that's a vet shop. Yeah, it's pet shop, brother. Yeah, I mean, vet shop, pet shop, something where you bring snakes because there are,

there are lizards, there are snakes, there are just, and it's very reptile centric. It's very just like, no, these are the things I like. I don't think there's really any animal, like, because I, you know, not to shit on reptiles, they are probably, to me, like, the least safe and cozy I'm gonna feel other than tarantulas. But I don't know if there's any animal that you could have 12 of that I feel like, that's not a red flag.

Do you know what I mean? Like, it's not to just make it about reptiles, 12 cats, 12 dogs, something's wrong, something's happening. Maybe fish. Yeah, yeah, yeah,, something's wrong. Something's wrong. Something's wrong. Maybe fish. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's about it. It's still so weird though.

It's still, I don't know. Yeah, I mean, that's... Did it smell weird? Of course it smelled weird. Oh, okay. It smelled, it smelled very wet. Was it a big apartment? No, it wasn't a large apartment.

So this was taking up like a good, like there was no part of the apartment where maybe the bathroom if the door is closed where you could not see tanks and animals and reptiles. So this is- But did the bathroom smell the best? What was the best smelling area? I mean, now that I think back, I'm guessing. bathroom smell the best. What was the best smelling area?

I mean, now that I think back, I'm guessing. Cause yeah. Did you make him meet them? Yeah. All right, no wait a second. Brad, what was she wearing? It was standing there in front of all the snakes. I remember this very well.

She was wearing jeans and a sort of striped shirt that showed off a mid-riff. She looked great. She looked fantastic. She, you know, she wasn't wearing like, waiters or something like that, that would indicate. Yeah, like yeah, she's like, croaking, wait a minute, go ahead, mate. It's blooming, it's blooming, blah, blah, hey, look at these fangsangs, like he didn't do that at all. So, and then I'm there and she goes, do you wanna meet the snakes? And I'm sitting here like, say no, Brad.

Say no, Brad. Yeah, but you want her to meet your snake. So yeah, say it. Yeah, I've been a while, I'm in college. I'm looking at this, like I said, when I would meet a dwarf one, I'd be like, okay, you gotta make this work, because this is your potential wife right here.

So I was like, yeah, let's meet the snakes. She started off bringing out like chameleons and other sorts of lizards and they were fine. That was actually kind of fun. But then she moved on to the snakes. And there was one time, I remember this, I was kind of holding a chameleon looking one direction. And then from behind me, she just puts the snake.

There was a, normally when you hear non-consensual snake, it means something completely different on a date. But she just sort of drapes the snake on me and that was the last straw. That was where I just, I freaked out. Also, and you can't really visibly freak out in that moment because you don't wanna get strangled by the snake. But I was just like, I gotta go.

She was another little person, so I'm looking at her like, hey, if these snakes all get on the same page, your lunch like, you're not fighting back. Like, you're not that much bigger than the rats that you're feeding this thing. Yeah, that was my other question. It's like that she have to have a bunch of rats

to feed all those snakes. Oh, yes. Oh, no. And they're live with hate. I would hate that. Well, they were in their separate tank. So you had the rat tank, which was just a feat of food. Oh no.

No, you know what, I do feel you. That's too far. 12 is too far. Feeding the rats in the bench. It's just too much. That's a terminal bone achilla for, I think, a fair amount to people. No shame to anyone, but that's intense. I definitely would have had a little performance in Zayn.

LAUGHTER Well, thank you for that story. That was, bleh. That's going to stay with me forever. Mm-hmm. We'll be right back. Bad dates. But, Anna Boyz here, I'm Scotty Landis.

And I'm Kurt Brownwell, or you may remember me from my episode of Bad Dates Back in May. Now we are here to tell you about our podcast, Bananas. New episode's drop every Tuesday on exactly right, the podcast network behind my favorite murder. Every week we're joined by a fun guest to chat about the strange, fascinating, and just plain bananas news from around the world. Like the delivery robot that ran straight through a crime scene. Or the lady who took in a straight cat only to find out it was a mountain lion.

And we've been joined by hilarious guests, including Kristyla Alonzo, Sushir Zamada, and now Jamila Jamil. They're the best in the biz. Tune in for these wild headlines and hear Jamila stories like the time a bee caused her to break her back. Or crazy anecdotes from her time spent working as a DJ. We had A-Blast. Follow bananas wherever you get your podcast.

You can listen early and ad-free by joining Wondery Plus. And we're back. So Caroline, yours is called Just the Tip. Yeah, here's a deal. I don't know if I can live up to that reptile one, but I'm going to try. That is so crazy. So okay, we start. Also I'm young in this story.

We start. I'm like graduated college. I, uh, story. We start. I'm like graduated college. I, uh, Bragg. I know. Yeah. So, uh, sorry, I just wanted to drop that,

but I am educated. Yeah, I'm, so, I'm educated in your education. This is a law. No, but like, you know, it's that time where I, I'm going to move to New York

and you just feel really lonely. And I had had a boyfriend at the end of the call, at the end of the college that I really liked, but it was like, he wasn't gonna move to New York and like it just was, you know, things weren't gonna work out. And I was really heartbroken.

We broke up over the phone, right? And he says to me, he's like, you know, I'm really not gonna just like listen to you cry. Like if you wanna call me back, I have to be like calm down a little bit. And I call him back. I know, no, no, no, I know. I just need you to get, I need you to know where I am

when I go on the state. I need you to understand. Not as a man I've discovered, nothing makes a woman calm down more than when you tell her, I need you to calm down. No, I know, it gets worse. It gets worse every time. Or relax.

Yeah. Oh yeah, oh yeah. So I call back and he's like, he doesn't answer with a phone call and he calls back every time. Or relax. Yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. So I call back and he's like, oh, I'm, he doesn't answer with phone call and he calls back a few seconds later. He's like, oh, sorry, like I'm playing some type of military game on a video game. Yeah. Some kind of video game, like sorry, I'm playing whoever on.

Why not? You don't broken your heart. Say that. You don't say hot. Say that. Say that. I know. And then we spend like another hour so talking, it's like, you know, 2am.

And I can hear like the controller. You know what I mean? But I was devastated. Okay, I was devastated. I was really sad. So I am working this summer job. And there's a guy I meet and like, you know, I'm so lonely and like, we start hanging out every day. And we're just like friends. Some things are like, I think he really

liked me, but they were things said that were like, oh, I think you, I think you like the idea of me. Like, I remember one time we're in New York and we're hanging out as friends and then he's like, you know, I'd really like to like, like date you. I'm like, yeah, I'm open to that. I'm cool with that. And then the next morning I wake up to a few like phone calls and texts that he had like posted on Facebook, like had so much fun last night hanging out with my girlfriend. Tagged me, picture of me.

After one day, I don't even know if it was a date. Not even a date. Just saying, hey, you like the idea, right? Yeah, he's like, I want to, I would like, if we like maybe try to make this work. So I'm thinking like, okay, now we're talking, right? He posts on Facebook, my sister calls me. I'm also, I'm in the headspace where I'm like,

I hope the gamer didn't see that because, you know, that's the love of my life. That's right there. That man is the love of my life. Yeah, once he gets done with this campaign in Cambodia, he's gonna be back and we're gonna be friends forever. One day, one day I'm gonna tell my children about how he had this like a hundred kill streak

on Calamity against other children online. Yes, against other, and how that was the moment I knew. So I was like, oh, so, okay. I'm like, hey, listen, we're not, we're not, like if you really want to date me, you gotta get to me, it's dinner, we gotta like really, you're not dating me, I'm not your girlfriend, you haven't like courted me,

okay, we're like friends. So he's like, oh yay, I get it, I'm not your girlfriend. You haven't courted me, okay, we're like friends. So he's like, oh yay, I get it, I get it. Like, let me take you to dinner. And I'm like, okay, great. So we go to dinner, no drinks are ordered. We're like, you know, broke. So no drinks are ordered. It's just like a bowl of ramen, a bowl of ramen.

And this is like, this is like one of those, like, you know, like $14, you know. So nothing crazy, nothing crazy, just a of ramen. And this is like one of those like $14, you know? So nothing crazy, nothing crazy, just a spicy ramen. So the check comes, he's like, I'll pay. I'm like, oh, okay, yeah. Yeah. There you go. Okay, yeah.

And he pays, and then he goes to the bathroom, and he then requests me for my half of the ramen. Yeah. And I pay, I pay them. Brad's very excited about this. I'm just like, I just, not that I support it, I'm excited because I just think to myself, what in his mind where he goes, this is a good idea. Like, the added detail that he did it from the bathroom,

which to me says, oh yeah. Yeah, it's like the check in front of you. How can it be more of a coward than that? If you've gone to the bathroom and you can use both hands to text message, it means you're not peeing like everything about that is wrong. Everything about that is wrong. We know now that he's shitting,

and he's thinking about it. And then you like, you wouldn't be able to while aiming your penis to pee. You wouldn't be able to send it, no one's that good. No one's that good that they can send a Venmo request mid-stand up pee. This man is shitting. This man is shitting.

No, well, here's the deal. It's $12. It's like very important. Like he had, you know what I deal. It's $12. It's like very important. You know what I mean? Like $12. So then, so I fulfill the Vemna request. And then he texts me, just soaking wet. No, he texts me from the bathroom.

Hey, I forgot the tips, Mileyface. Smileyface. And I send him like what? $3 for the tip. And the place where art is an open mic. It's an open music mic and he goes up right after. So we took me to a restaurant so we could do like an open mic. And that, yeah, that's it. Wait, an open mic of what? Stand up of what? No, music, music, music.

No. Yeah. I don't know what's worse. Wait, what did he just sing? Acapella? What did he up? No, music. Music, music. No. Yeah. I don't know what's worse. Wait, what did he just sing, Acabello? What did he do? No, he played an instrument.

He went up there like, how did he get the instrument? I get it, you know what? I guess he got the restaurant before me and I didn't notice it. Or maybe I thought, there's a dog in the corner. Or maybe I thought, I thought, maybe Adam, he's coming from a gig. Honestly, the truth is, I probably would have been okay with that kind of treatment at that time, at that age, but I just don't think I liked him enough

to be treated that way. That's so awesome. Because like there's a way, there's a way to split the bill. Listen, everyone's young, everyone's broke. That's fine, that's fine. I've been on first date so we've had to split the bill that's cool.

But the way that's handled, and then the miserliness of then, you've made the gesture, you haven't made a big deal of it, to then ask you to contribute again for the... It's like, just did in his mind, was he thinking, I'm giving you dinner and a performance, so you can... Oh my, what? Oh, I'm serious. Yeah, like she should be paying me. She should be paying me.

So how did it end with this man and his... That was... I think I was like, okay, I'm, as I handle all issues, just gonna ignore this one. Like I'm just gonna pretend. So I'm just gonna... Sweet down the rug. Yeah, I'm just gonna ignore this.

So like he would text to hang out and I would just be like, oh, I'm so busy, I'm so busy, I'm so busy. And then I think that was like a phone call where he was like, how does that make me feel? Like I posted that you were my girlfriend on Facebook and you said, you told me to take it down. How do you think that made me feel?

How do you think that made me feel? How iconically crazy a woman would look if she did that. Like, yes, it would become like reposted by me accounts. Again, it would be like, fire all for 100% jail. 100% jail. Do not Costco did not collect $200. You'd be fired if it wasn't crazy. Yeah.

Wow. No, it's death penalty, honestly. If a woman would do that after just having a conversation with a man and then posted, this is my boyfriend. Yeah, and you would get your meal, and then they would ask you to pay for it and tip. That's what they would do. You'd have your final meal.

By the way, you said you couldn't top the reptiles. I think you did. I really, I feel like he's getting like, like having a reptile put on me without consent. The rat is fed by a rat. Yeah, I do. That's like, they need to add that in like consent training, like at work, colleges. Like, you need a verbal yes.

A verbal yes. Please drape your snake across me, but- I think that that's something that I come away with almost every single week that I can't help but feel like the people who misbehaving away that is so beyond blind. Like it's so it's so beyond reason that I'd like that it's legendary. It's like. No, I know. It's almost like respect. It's almost like there was a there was a guy who I went on a date with when I was younger. And he, I didn't know it was a date because I never know anything's a date until someone's inside of me, which is obviously very puppy in this current time.

So I, but we were hanging out and he was trying to make a move on me. And I was very like, you know, I'd mentioned earlier in the evening that I really like the song Soul Love by David Bowie and then he's like, do you want to come to my house and see this thing that I have? And I was like, yeah, sure, he lives down the road for me.

I go into his house and suddenly the lights start dimming, and he doesn't have catches. He's only got beds in the living room. It's like three beds. And everything silver. And then the opening chords, the opening chords of soul love start happening as the lights are dimming and I'm like, oh no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

I don't want this, I don't want this. And he was like, wait, wait, do you find me attractive? And he picks up his phone as he asks. And I was like, no, but I'd really love to hang out with you, his friend. And he had on speed dial a local car company and called them and was like, oh yeah, I need a car immediately.

Yeah, as soon as possible. Thank you so much. Two minutes. Fantastic. And then shuts the phone. And he was like, I'll be outside in two minutes. Through me out of his house at lightning speed, I'm not gonna lie.

Suddenly, I was like kind of into him. I didn't do anything because I'm not gonna lie. Suddenly, I was like kind of into him. I didn't like what you do, I think, because I'm not a masochist, but I was like, it was so iconically rude and straightforward. And I was like, the fucking bulls on someone. Some of the men and women on this, or the who I've heard about on this podcast

in the last year, almost, have blown my mind. I just didn't know they're out there walking amongst us. I know, I know. And I was still like, you got you a car. Like, have blown my mind. I just didn't know they're out there walking amongst us. I know. I know. And I'll still be like, you got you a car. Like that's pretty nice. Pretty nice.

You know. It was a floor, but it's a driver. It was literally a split second between me saying no, and his thumb hovering over speed dial. Yeah, for a cab company. Like why waste your time? Like I like it. I kind of love it. He's a gobos. Yeah, for a cab company. Like, why waste your time? Like, I kind of love it. He's a garbos.

Yeah, no, literally. I wish I had gotten there quicker. Like, I feel like that's something. Yeah, tell them, tell them. Yeah, exactly. Oh man, thank you guys for those stories. Bad dates. So finally, I want to share a story from our listeners.

They send us some wonderful stories. So this one is from Dan, and it says, I matched on Tinder with this woman who said she was visiting from out of town and was only looking for someone to go to dinner with and hang out. And that was fine, isn't it? It's I was really just feeling lonely. She said she was absolutely not looking to hook up, which I was okay with. We met up at a restaurant and we clicked instantly.

Dinner was over and she hemmed and hawed and then finally said that we could go to her mum's house because she wasn't home, but you can't freak out by the state of the place she said. So I immediately assumed this was some sort of hawed house with dead cats and piles of old newspapers everywhere. I told her I didn't care what her mum's house looked like. That was a nice guy. I followed her to the house and it was a mansion, like a legit mansion with electronic gates and a horse stable. I grew up poor and made it all the way to broke. So this was definitely a bit of a shock to me. We go in and we have sex and now it's actually time for me to go. I gave her a ride to the front gate

because A, the distance between her front door and the gate was enough to warrant a ride. And B, she needed to punch a code in to let me out. As we drove, she talked about how much fun she'd had and how she'd loved to see me again before she left town. And I said that sounded like fun, and I loved to. Oh my God. And then she frisked me to make sure I didn't steal anything.

Like not a cute, flirty pretend check. She fully patted me down. Oh my god. I even had to pull out a vial of insulin to prove what it was. I'm diabetic. I was in shock, so I didn't say anything after that and just left.

And as I was driving, she texted me again to say what a good time she had. And I responded that I was not okay with what just happened and I was not interested in seeing her again. Fuck me! Oh, that's really fucking amazing. Oh my god. Damn, thanks.

Thank you for that letter. It reveals how she feels like he is low. You would name me. Yeah, yeah. It's like, oh, that's so awful. Oh my god. Oh my god, that is... I don't even think I've seen yeah, that's so awful. Oh my God. Oh my God, that is. I don't even think I've seen anything like that in a film.

No. Don, you have to write a film. No kidding, and have that be a scene. I mean, at least put like a full pat down. Yeah, you know, if you're that paranoid, put a TSA agent at your front door. And if she lives in a mansion like that. What the hell would she care if he stole an ass tray or something? Who cares? Yeah, you know, but again, it's

the fucking nerve, isn't it? It's patting someone down and making them feel like a criminal and then texting them, telling them you'd love to see them again. She's an icon. Yeah, there's no other way around it. She let she let him into the house, they had sex, but that wasn't enough to be like, okay, you're not gonna steal the fine china. Like, I trust you enough to fuck me, but not to be in our house. Yes.

Yes. Oh man. Priorities. Wow, you know, someone sent me a letter today to say that they'd been single for a really long time, and they'd been feeling really depressed about it until hearing this podcast. That's nice. You did one good.

It's really nice to know that we're doing God's work out here in reminding everyone that they're not alone. It is hell. Yeah, it's a really amazing show. Yeah, it's really damn great. No, I understand when you just hear about what's going on out there, no one, you're none of you are alone. Before you all go and you've been such delightful guests, can you tell everyone where they can find you and is there anything that you would like them to know about?

Is it not just generally in life, but work stuff, starting with you Brad? Yeah, you can go to Bradwilliamscomedy.com find all my tour dates on book well into 2024 and I have a brand new special I actually announced today that's going to be streaming on a platform called Veebs which is where BEEPS and you can go there it comes out December 21st right now if you use promo code Brad you get it for 25% off. This is the time where you bet on yourself. So I self-finance this comedy special. Okay.

And so I paid for it myself, so I would like some of the money back. So yeah, and I really like it. I'm really proud of it. So go to BradWilliams.beeps.com and you can pick that up. Good good for you everyone go and do that immediately and Caroline Yes, you can go to my Instagram Caroline vanowitz B a N I E W I C incredibly funny It's how I first found you and oh slip into your DMs and asked you to come on to the pub

That means a lot that means a lot that's like me But um, yeah, go to my Instagram. I have like a ton of dates coming up in New York City. I, in the new year, I'm going to start touring. So if you follow, you'll see that there. And then also, I have a sketch show. Please end this that you can also follow. But really, if you're on the Instagram, everything you need is there.

So it follow me there. I have like a link also to like Spotify. I have some songs, comedy songs, some musical comedy, the shows, everything you need is there. So it follow me there. I have a link also to Spotify, I have some songs, comedy songs, some musical comedy, the shows, I mean, the comedy. Yeah, she's got a song called NEPO that I sing almost every day of my life. Yeah, it's really, it's the way to be.

If I could re-incarnate as not even hate, that's what I want. Like you, that's my dream. Uh-huh. So yeah, it's really all there. Great. And Laura, where can I find you? Oh, I won't wear anything with snaps anymore

if anybody's curious. Now I'm married. I have a podcast with Daniel Webb called What We Thought Would Happen. Fabulous. All right, everyone go listen, go watch, go sing. Thank you to my wonderful guests, Laura, Brad and Caroline. I appreciate you so much.

I'll be thinking about your stories for the rest of my life. Thank you. Me too. Thank you having us. Thank you. Bad dates is produced by Smartless Media and Wondery. Created by Robert Cohen. Executive producers are Robert Cohen and Jemila Jamil.

That's me, produced by Stuart Bailey. Produced, engineered and edited by Devon Tori Bryant, also engineered and edited by Karl McGraw. Talent producer is Anne Harris, associate producer is Maddie McCann, music by Kushy and Evan Schletter. Executive producers are Will Arnet, Jason Baseman and Sean Hayes, executive producers for Smartness Media, a Richard Courson and Bernie Kaminsky. If you've had a bad date and you'd like to tell us all about it, our number is 984-265-3283, and our email is baddatespod.com.

We can't wait to hear all about it. That's all for this week. We will see you next time for more... ...Bad Gates. ...Squee. We will see you next time for more. Bad dates. You. Smart. Blast. Me.

You. You. Hello, Prime Members. You can listen to bad dates early and add free on Amazon Music. Download the Amazon Music app today, or you can listen early and add free with Wondery Plus in Apple Podcasts. Before you go, tell us about yourself by completing a short survey at Wondery.com slash survey.