Bad Dates with Jameela Jamil - That’s How They Make Cupid (w/ Jazmyn W, Fiona Cauley, and Fumi Abe)

Episode Date: February 9, 2026

On an all-new panel episode of Bad Dates, host Joel Kim Booster welcomes comedians Jazmyn W, Fiona Cauley, and Fumi Abe to discuss their most iconic dating fiascos. First he’ll ask the group "what is one thing you should never do on Valentine’s Day?" Then, Jazmyn is on a date with the mayor of a bar where everybody knows his name, Fiona senses things are about to get spooky at this suburban Chili’s, and Fumi meets a model who takes his digits. Well, one digit, into her mouth.  Subscribe to our YouTube Channel for full episodes. Merch available at SiriusXMStore.com/BadDates. Joel Kim Booster: Psychosexual, Fire Island, Loot Season 3Jazmyn W: @jazmynw on socials, new podcast Quit Playin’ with Jazmyn and Amber, check socials for upcoming tour datesFiona Cauley: @fionacauley on Insta, fionacauley.com for tour dates, podcast Rampin’ UpFumi Abe: @thefumiabe on socials for tour dates Subscribe to SiriusXM Podcasts+ to listen to new episodes of Bad Dates ad-free. Start a free trial now on Apple Podcasts or by visiting siriusxm.com/podcastsplus. Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

Hello, hello, hello, and welcome to another edition of the Bad Dates Podcast. I am your host, Joel Kim Booster, back, back again. I am so sorry, I know it has been a long time since our last record, but here we are in 26 with more stories of no good, awful, terrible dating woes. I am very excited about our panel today. Joining me is a comedian, content creator, and actress who co-hosts the podcast, Quit Playing with Jasmine and Amber, after she released her TikTok. comedy series White House HR. She was called by the actual White House. It's Jasmine W.

Hello, Jasmine. Hey. Thank you so much for joining us today. We also have a comedian and speaker who has appeared on the Tonight Show toured with Nikki Glazer and spoke at the Khan Lions Festival of Creativity. It's Fiona Kali, everybody. Hello, Fiona. Thank you so much for coming. And we welcome a writer and comedian who was recently one of the new faces of comedy at Just for Laughs. He has appeared on the Tonight Show and The Late Show with Stephen Colbert. It's Fumi Abbe. Everybody. Hello, thanks for having me. Hilarious that you were a new face.

The farce of new faces is that they continually select people who have been around the block many, many times. Nowhere near a new face to me, or I'm sure my audience at home, but here you are. Congratulations, that's huge. So nice to have all of you with me today. So I'm not exactly sure. I'm assuming this comes out around Valentine's Day because today we have. as we always do, a quick icebreaker question just to get to know each other a little bit better. And that question is, what is one thing you should never do on Valentine's Day?

Jasmine, we'll start with you. What is your piece of advice for our listeners at home? What is one thing they should never do on Valentine's Day? I personally don't think you should ever go on a first date on Valentine's Day. I think that's very intelligent, very smart. I think the stakes are too high on Valentine's Day. How many dates do you think you should, is safe to finally go out on Valentine's Day? You know, I think, um, date four.

Date four. Date four. Maybe date three. Maybe if y'all really hit off. If you're clicking. Yeah, you know, but like day, first date, second day, uh-uh. That's not about that day. I got to say, I almost feel like you shouldn't go on a date for Valentine's Day unless you are

established, if you have figured out what the terminology you are using as a, as a, as a, If you're in the relationship, if you're in, right. You don't want to be doing what are we? Yeah, what are we on Valentine's Day? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Are you my Valentine's, yeah, yeah. My gifts should have been exchanged at a different date first, you know what I mean? Exactly.

Yeah. Very, very fair. Have you ever, have any of you ever been on a first date on Valentine's Day? No. No. Have any of you ever been on a date on Valentine's Day before? My girlfriend, we've been together for so long. she, we've been together for like 12 years.

So like, we, she doesn't like Valentine's Day. So when I got this question, I was like, oh, actually, I've never really done Valentine's Day like that? Because she doesn't like it. So we don't. So I've never really done it. And before her, I never really dated anyone seriously. So, so what, we'll go with you then, Foube. What is, uh, Phumme, what is one thing you would say you should not do on Valentine's Day?

Well, for me, I've never really done it. So I'm just like, don't do Valentine's Day. Don't do it. Hot take? Very, very, I think a lot of people agree with you. I am not a Valentine's Day person either, I have to say. Like, we don't really, I've only been in this really one serious relationship. My now husband, that is right.

I am back on the podcast as a married man now. And we have never been Valentine's Day people. It just doesn't seem like, for me, it's like we do special stuff together year round. Yes. It doesn't, we don't need some hallmark corporate bullshit holiday to tell me how to love and give my guy a gift of some sort or, you know, have sex. I know many people who will see it as the one day a year, you are guaranteed sex. He's not really into Valentine's Day either.

No, no. I'm not depriving him. But have you guys dated people who work? Because then that changes everything, right? I don't know if I've ever dated somebody who's a big Valentine's Day person, or at least someone who's willing to admit that they're a big Valentine's Day person. I'm a big Valentine's Day person. I was married for a really long time, and I'm deviant.

now. Congratulations me. Shouts. Shouts. Thank you. And I think when you're,

now that you're, you know, you've been with your girlfriend for 12 years. You know she's not a big Valentine's Day person. This Valentine's Day,

you should do something for her. I'm not saying you should take her out and leave the house. But I'm saying, her saying, oh, I don't like it.

It doesn't mean it. Just do something. Write her a nice letter. Get her a nice bouquet of flowers. Change her mind.

Do something for her for Valentine's Day. That could really spice things up. 12 years in. Yeah. Yeah, that's true. That is.

That would be the big shocker for her. That is, okay, this is huge because we need to spice things up. Yes. Maybe a nice little letter. A nice letter. A letter is how you're going to spice things up. Interesting tactic. I've never heard someone say they wanted to spice up their relationship with a letter before.

A little appendix, Joe. What do you think could be in the letter that would spice things up? Oh, I was going to just say something nice, like you said. I think sometimes a handwritten letter with like some, not like, emo gushing, but just like... Gush. You should like gush. If you want her to gush. Period.

Okay. On that disgusting. No, we turn now to Fiona. Fiona, are you a big Valentine's Day person? No. No? No. You are also freshly married. You were telling me before we jumped on. Have you ever in the course of your relationship with your now husband been a Valentine's Day person? I'm always working. You're always working. I find that to be true too. I guess that is like Valentine's Day is a

show day for a lot of people. It's like New Year's. People love to go out on dates to the comedy club on Valentine's Day for some reason. Yeah, romance and roasting is in the air, I guess. They do love it. What would you say

is one thing you should not do? If you were to do Valentine's Day, something you shouldn't do on Valentine's Day. I wouldn't get an abortion on Valentine's Day. Yeah. That's a good one. That's a good one. I mean, just first,

What's another day? Wait a one more day. Right. That's how they make Cupid, I assume. So just like putting kids to work for free. I'm good. That is such a great origin story for Cupid is that he was just simply aborted on Valentine's Day. I would see that movie.

Give me that prequel series right now immediately. my piece of advice is I think very simple which is do not eat before you have sex on Valentine's Day. Here's the big one I think that is such a simple piece of advice that a lot of people get wrong which is they do the order of operations like big dinner, big fancy romantic dinner and then they expect to have sex after that and that is just so foolish. It's so foolish because what do you want to do right when you've eaten five manacoleses? You know? It's like I've eaten an entire romantic lasagna and now I want to use my butt for sex. That is ridiculous. Just a fool's errand if I've ever heard one.

Have sex first, then have the meal. That's my everyday rule. Yes. Every day. I mean, that is, I think, not just for Valentine's Day, but just in general. She's getting a lot of letters. Getting a lot of letters. that is that should just

that is you're right that's a general piece of advice I think wherever we got the idea that like you wine and dine and then you have sex was so stupid and I think it's it comes from this preconceived notion

about like I'm buying someone dinner in order to get them to have sex with me which is again sort of foolish I think you should have you know it's a carrot and stick sort of situation which is like you got to keep the carrot Like you have sex with me, you'll get a big meal.

And depending on the quality of the orgasm, depends on what meal you'll be getting. You know, do you want like, you know, Michelin Star or do you want Olive Garden again? Let's see how much work you're willing to put in. Oh, that's great. To the experience. Like they're graded.

That's fun. You only get appetites of this time. You know why. Bad dates. We're going to start with Jasmine W today. Now Jasmine, give me a little bit. You alluded to a divorce earlier in the pod.

But give me sort of the lay of the land with Jasmine. Are you a serial dater? Are you a serial monogamist? Are you somebody who fucks around? Like, what is your style or your approach to dating? I would say I'm a serial dater and I'm a serial monogamous. You know, I have my annual boyfriend. I typically go through.

I had one in 2024. I've been separated for almost four years, but I started dating when my kid turned one, and they're almost four. So I had a boyfriend each year that I've been single. So I'm single right now. And yeah, I'm kind of like a, I like to go out on dates. I think it's fun. I think when you've been with somebody for over a decade and then you get free, you like to just go out and have fun, you know. So where in your dating history does your story take place?

painting this picture right now. Okay, so I, this is actually right after I decided I was going to start dating. So this is a couple years ago. And when you're freshly divorced and you just had a kid, you'll date anybody, to be honest with you. Why should look at me? Why is you? I'm a respectable man. Anyone.

What the hell? I write letters, goddamn. No, you plan on writing a letter. You haven't written one. Yeah, call her when you've written a letter. And they're in cursive. Question. Danny didn't know what to say in it.

Okay. So I was dating this guy for a few months, maybe like four months at this time. And I didn't realize, I've never dated an alcoholic before, but I realized that he was an alcoholic soon after dating him. So we're dating. He was like, Jasmine, let's go on a date this weekend. What was your indication, though, that he was an alcoholic? Was he going to meetings or was he just a behavior? No, he wasn't that far along his progress.

What, what, okay, so when somebody calls you and they always have a cup, And you're like, what's in it? And they're like, don't worry about it. That's the first indication. The second indication is he had, like, gone home to visit family. And he was, like, hanging out. And he fell. And he had, like, a huge bruise on his hand.

And I'm like, what? You were out hanging out at bars and you fell? Like, I was like, he fell drunk. This is all coming to me after I stopped dating him. You know? I was like, oh, he's kind of like, I think he takes tequila to the gym. You know, like that kind of guy. This Stanley Cup overflowing.

with tequila on ice. And you never know because it's clear. You never know who's drinking. So anyway, he calls me up. He's like, Jasmine, let's go. Let's go, I want to take you out. Let's go on a date. I said, cool.

So we go to this restaurant off of sunset. It's really nice. This is our first stop. And we're having a nice dinner. He kind of has an attitude. Guys who go to the gym a lot, sometimes they have an attitude. Sometimes they don't. You never know.

Yes, we do. Yeah, we do. They just have an attitude. You know, so he has a little attitude. But I kind of like, okay, rude boy, whatever. He's rude to you or he's rude to like the staff? He's not actually being rude. He's just a little bit unpreparedical.

He's kind of like acting too cool or whatever. Oh, okay. And then when the bill comes, he's like, do you guys take Apple pay? And they're like, no, we don't. He's like, Jasmine, can you just pay the bill and I'll pay you back? Yeah. This man did not bring his wallet? I don't know what the deal.

He wanted to tap to pay. He wanted to tap to pay. And so I was like, oh, my God. So I end up paying this. The bill's like $2.50. I'm like, what if I didn't have the money? Yeah. Seriously. You have a literal human being, a child at home.

Right. That requires a lot of funds, I'm assuming. Yeah. Now, this is a question for you, I guess for Fiona as well. Are you both as modern 21st century women ever paying for the date? Yeah. Yeah. Now, that seems very, your husband is in the booth.

So let's tread carefully here. Is this a necessity or is this a political stance? I mean, he and I go back and board a lot. Okay, yeah. So there's, you know. Trade off. Yeah, like, I don't mind. It's our money, right?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Jasmine, I have a feeling you have a slightly different take on this. You know what? If you are my boyfriend, I sometimes do pick up the bill. But in the early stages. Oh, yeah, no. Traditional. Totally agree.

Yeah. Yeah. When I'm just dating, there's no world. I'm in a wheelchair. And you know what? And I pretend I'm in one, honey. Help me up and do everything for me. Yeah.

And who can argue with that? Who could argue with that? Okay, so you're on the date. He's not paying for it. So I ended up, I whip out my card. I pay for it. He gives me the money right then on Apple Pay. Oh, wow.

He's a digital landscape sort of guy. He's very pretty much. Yeah, the Apple Cash. So he gives me the money during Apple Cash. I'm like, fine. He's like, let's, after this, he's like, let's go to my favorite bar. That is where things kind of jump off. So we get in the car, we go to his favorite bar.

As soon as we walk in, the bartender's like, hey, what up, man? Very cheers. Everybody knows his name. That's not what you want to see in a bartender when your date walks in. So we sit down. We're having some drinks. There's like an old Hispanic guy next to us. He's like, hey man, you look cool.

You want a piece of pizza. He buys the man pizza. He's walking around the bar. He taps to pay for some pizza. He hasn't paid anything at this point. The bartender knows him. The bartender knows him. The part of a scammer, actually.

Do you know what I mean? I don't know where he gets his money from. Like, he was a musician, but I don't know. Okay. Sorry. I don't know. So anyway, so he's like, he says, He says, get this guy a piece of pizza.

He's walking around the bar saying, hey to people. And he tells the bar, bartender, give me my regular. And I said, I'll just have the same thing. And the bartender goes, no, the fuck you won't have what he's having. And then he pulls out a glass and just pours vodka, like in a glass almost to the top with ice and gives it to my day. And I said, I'm just going to have water. Yeah. Like a tall glass full of vodka, slides into my date.

No mixer. There's no name for that drink No that's not on the bed That's lighter fluid baby So he's drinking and having a good time And he's like I'm going to step outside of smoke He steps outside the smoke He's there he's outside for 20 minutes

That's one big cigarette He's outside for 20 minutes The Hispanic guy at the bar is kind of like Your boyfriend's so cool He's so cool I like you Just get a piece of pizza out of him Exactly

I would think he was pretty cool too Right And I'm like, if you had a date this hot, would you leave her at the bar for 20 minutes? And he's like, no, she might get taken. And I'm like, right idea, wrong person. Okay, not you. And so I go in the bathroom. I'm like, oh, my God, should I just leave?

And I come back to the bar and he's sitting at the bar again. Finally. Finally, after like 20 minutes. So I sit down and he looks at me and he goes, what do you have to say? I'm like, what do you mean? What do I have to say? And his demeanor has completely changed. I think he went outside and smoked crack.

I don't know what happened. Seems likely. And he starts to go in and tell about how I ain't shit. He's basically like, I'm more charismatic than you. I'm a better person than you. You're a woman. You'll always be beneath me. Whoa.

I'm dead serious. What was in that vodka? I don't know. He was like, I'm more talented than you. He's like, pull up your bank account. I bet you have more money than you right now. I'm like, you probably don't. wallet.

Yeah. Yeah. So he thought because he bought one person a piece of pizza and had, was famous, was the mayor of the bar. Yes. Mayor of the bar. That somehow this put him above you. Above me. And what triggered this?

Was it just because you didn't follow him outside for his crack cigarette? You know what? I don't know if him and the other guy at the bar had a little conversation when I was in the bathroom. I don't know if it was like. something he smoked I don't know what it was I really don't he probably told him the thing you said about like would you leave a date this hot

at the bar bar which he probably told on you he's not which is very fair yeah well it's because you rejected him as well that's the thing is that you rejected the guy at the bar as well so he narked on you immediately yeah maybe so um he's like

you know going in him he's like telling me you know you're a woman I'm better than you and I said are you done with your Martin Luther King ass speech about how I ain't shit. And he was like, yeah, Jasmine, what do you have to say? And I just called it Uber. And I was like, I'm just going to leave.

I have a good night. And so he walks me out. He opens the door. He opens my black car. You know you got to order a black car. Oh, yeah, yeah. And this, if someone's coming for your bank account. Yes.

You got to order a black car thing. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. The Kia is at home. Yes. Yes. So he opens the black car door. I get in. He literally closed the door. He doesn't say anything.

And as soon as I got in the car, my Uber's just sitting there. And I'm like, what are we waiting on? You know, and he's like, oh, is he not coming? I was like, no, he's not coming. I literally blocked him. And then the Uber took off. I've never seen this man again, never spoke to him. And how did you meet him again?

I met him at a friend's barbecue. Oh, not at the barbecue. Yes. Yes. Being sullied by this man. Yes. So you never saw him again. Jasmine, what is sort of the lesson you took away from this bad date that you have carried with you and sort of helped you grow as a person moving forward?

You know what? I leave, I notoriously leave dates when I'm done. Like when I'm not having a good time, somebody's being mean to me, I get up and leave. And I've done that a few times. Like, I don't, I'm just like, you know what, I'm good. And I get up, I call it Uber, and I leave at that very moment. I don't wait till the end of the date. I don't think, well, maybe I should just stick it out.

No, I get up and leave right when I'm not having a good time. No, exactly, because life is too goddamn short to have a bad time with a stranger. I just won't do it. No, I think everybody should take note of that lesson. And honestly, we wouldn't have a podcast, though. If more people did what you're doing, the podcast simply would not exist. But I commend you. I think that is a power move and more people should do it.

We now move on to Fiona Colley. Now, Fiona, how long have you been married now? Three months. Three months. Still fresh. Still time for you to get out while you can. He stares at me from inside the booth right now. How long were you guys together before you got married?

Like two years. Two years. And how'd you meet? He's also a comedian. Whof. Isn't that illegal? Yeah. In some state.

Yeah, absolutely. Definitely a difficult pairing, but I'm rooting for you guys at the end of the day. And what was your dating sort of approach before you met your husband? Not good. Really, really bad. I've never been good at dating. What made it bad? Well, so I am a wheelchair user. I have a disease called Free Jerks. And it's progressive neurological disease and I got diagnosed 18. Okay.

So they don't really tell you how to introduce that type of thing to strangers. No, it's not covered. Young men are assholes, you know. So it was hard to navigate that and like still have value in myself. So I put up with a lot of shit before I found that. Well, congrats. I'm happy that you found somebody that is not making you put up with a lot of shit. Yes.

So where in your history does your story take place? How long ago? Maybe seven years ago? Seven years ago. Okay. This is kind of scary. I love it. Halloween has come early, ladies and gentlemen.

It's about to get spooky up in here. Get ready for a spooky Valentine's Day up. Okay. seven years ago, things are about to get spooky. So I was big on the online dating thing, which if you're in a wheelchair, I have to be really upfront about that, you know? So I'm in my chair and all my photos. My bio was maybe she's bummed then. Maybe it's muscular dystrophy.

You know? Couldn't be clear. Right. You would think. And, okay. So my mistake was I matched with this guy. I was just like,

I felt, you know, like he's okay with this. What a cool thing. What a good guy. Which is not, you know, not a great mindset. Yeah.

No, I agree because I was that, me, that's my mind. mindset that was my mindset when I was dating about a lot of things like honestly quite frankly at a certain point in my life before a lots of therapy and coming you know and and finding myself was how I felt about being Asian on the dating market quite frankly because you know they say that like Asian men are sort of at the bottom of the dating pool in that regard so I would always put my race front and center in all the folks I really wanted to make sure that no one would be confused. Especially what you showed up.

Yeah, yeah, exactly. Booster. It was very confusing for a lot of the people that I dated. They had no idea what was going on. What apps were you on primarily? Hinge was the big one, and I was on Bumble for a while, but no one's funny on Bumble. No. I mean, Bumble is for people who are afraid.

Yes. Scared people. They don't want to make the first move. No, and I don't like that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's no fun at all. So you matched with this gentleman, very upfront with your situation, and you show up to the first date. No, he, so it's hard for me to get my chair, my car and stuff, so I opted for him to pick me up in my house.

Terrible idea. And he, I get in the passenger seat of his car and he's putting my wheelchair in his trunk. so I, like, looked around the car for a minute. He lived in his car. Whoa! Yeah. Oh, my God. He was not up front about that.

Interesting. I wouldn't tell people that. What kind of car? It was like a Nissan Ultima. It was a little. There was a piss jar in the back seat. Now, wait, to be fair, I have a piss jar in the back seat. You live in L.A., though.

I mean, not necessarily. This is actually, no, I'll be really up front. As many people who have listened to this podcast know, I take frequent breaks to pee because I am in almost 40 now, and it is a, it's a scary time to have a bladder when you're almost 40 because I cannot sit in a window seat. I'm an aisle seat for life person now. It's just, I'm peeing all the time.

So I have an old laundry bottle detergent bottle in my car because there's still laundry detergent in it, so it doesn't. This is such a guy logic. I love it. Yeah, no. It's a camping trick. You do it when you're camping so you don't have to go out of your tent at late in the middle of the night. And those caps are so sealed.

Exactly. Really good. And you don't immediately tip people off to the fact that you're peeing in your car. Which just sounds like he wasn't as savvy about it. Yeah. So you saw the pee jar. What else sort of tipped you off to the fact that he was living in his car? car.

Add the pillows and blanket. Oh, yeah, that'll do it. How about it smelled weird in there, too? Yeah, it was a lot, but like, I can't walk in. He has my chair. Like, I'm in this. I'm locked in. You're locked in. Yeah.

That is interesting. Keep going. I have some more questions, but I'm wondering. You're going to see where this goes. I'm wondering if any of my questions will be answered just through the telling of the story, but I'm very nervous for you at this juncture. Yeah. I was very scared immediately because his energy was so manic.

Like, he was definitely on something, but I was young 20s. I didn't know, you know, and he was in his 30s. I have to say after a couple years of doing this podcast, many women who had the ability to run from this situation wouldn't have in their early 20s. I have to say it's the most depressing part about hosting this podcast is hearing how many more. And yet they won't. They simply refuse. Because it would be rude. Yep.

And you, you know, the other thing I've literally learned from this podcast is that you'd be putting your life at risk by saying no. And that is the scariest part, I think, about hearing all of these many stories from women in their early 20s about the dates that they have continued. you'd on with. So you have now realized that you're, you're in his house. Oh my God. I normally don't go home with the gun. Crazy.

Where's the first stop? He starts driving and I'm just like trying to be nice and normal. Like stay alive, you know? And he's like, hey, I got to make one stop before dinner. Is that cool? I can't say no. You know what I mean? So I'm like, yeah, okay, sleigh, you know.

Sleigh? I know. Slay. Go off queen. You're right. Yeah. And we pull into a parking lot. He gets out of the car, but I don't even look around at first.

I'm like sending my location to everyone. Like, this is not good. We're parked in front of a plasma bank. He got a donate plasma. He's donating plasma on your date. To get money, yeah. So chivalry isn't dead. Yeah.

Wait, what's plasma? Is that blood? It's like you get it from blood. Yeah, I've never done it. Yeah. I've never needed to do it either, but I have looked into it. And what is the money? Like, is it pretty good? I think it's pretty good.

Because you can't give it that often. They can't be that great. The man's living. in his car. I think it's like, I don't even know. I mean, he didn't tell me, but probably like 100. Yeah. Because I think it's like more painful than giving blood.

It's more painful and you can't do it as often. Yeah. Yeah. There's like you have to wait a certain amount of time or something. Yeah. So I'm just like, okay. So he's a real catch. Yeah.

It's amazing. And how long were you in the car? I had like 30 minutes. It was a long time. Did he crack a window at least? No, I wasn't getting in safe gas. It was, no, and I'm just sitting there like, what do I do? And I'm already like 30, 45 minutes from my home.

Oh, my God. So I'm like, I'm 20 something. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And now he's made the actual main event part of the date a second location, which is already you don't want to be going to the second location. But here we are. He sort of made it that by default. So he gets back from getting poked and prodded. And what's next?

He has his money. We drive to a Chili's. So he's kind of fancy. Yeah. And I like that about him. No, I like a triple dipper. That's fine. I would say out of all the neighborhood, like, chain restaurants,

Chili's is number one. Yeah, I agree. Chili's is number one. Chili's to go. in an airport? Yes, please. I would get, that's where my writing reception was. At the Lickorye's to go at the

LaGuardia Airport. A fave spot. So you're at the Chili's. We go in, I'm still nervous, like, kind of looking around, but at least people are around now, and that made me feel a little better. You know

what I mean? But I was being polite because I was scared not to be. And he's being Weird. He gets real fucked up, you know. At the Chili's. Because they have a lot of drink deals. How many drinks do you think he had? Maybe six or six or seven at the Chili's.

First date. After giving blood? Yeah, I'm like, okay. But the cool part was like, he was so fucked up. I was able just to like slip out an Uber home. But yeah, I survived. And that's that. Did you ever hear from him again? Oh, no, blocked.

Blocked. Right. Yeah. And you just left him at the Chili's. Yeah. He could still be there to the stay. Yeah, this part might be in that very parking lot. I mean, if I had to pick a parking lot to live in,

Chili's would be the one. Chilies would be the spot. Are they a sponsor of this pod? They should be. They are now. Let me tell you. I've said the name, and I've hyped them up enough. They should be.

God damn it. So, Fiona, what is one lesson you learned from your bad date experience? that you've taken with you on. And now to a very successful marriage. I mean, I assume it's a successful marriage. I think don't question your own value. I think that dictates how you interact with people because you let bad stuff happen when you don't value yourself. That's powerful stuff.

And then also, me at a neutral location. Because unfortunately, that man now has your ass. I moved. Oh, okay. Because of the day. Yeah. I'm like, all right, we're out. You broke the lease.

You had to. Fiona Collie, everybody, thank you so much for sharing that very raw and real and vulnerable story. And now, finally, turning to our final storyteller Fuliabe.

You also mentioned you were married as well, long-term. Or your girlfriend. Yeah. And why not? Exactly. Exactly.

Exactly. 12 years is a long time to not put a ring on it. It's a long time, brother. I don't know. Yeah. People ask me the long time. They're like, why don't you get married? And yet you haven't taken the hint.

No, no, no. She's very like cool with the, you know. You're making such a picture of this girlfriend. She doesn't care. Oh, she's cool. She doesn't care about Valentine's Day. She doesn't want us to get married. I'm sure your girlfriend is listening to this at home,

throwing things around your apartment, just at the wall right now. We are domestic partners, but that's an insurance thing. Oh, okay. Comedian and, you know, the WG insurance. You got to do that. But 12 years, that's a long time. It's a big feat.

So my first girlfriend. Yeah, and first girlfriend, how did you meet? At school, we went to NYU together. Oh, okay, so you're both smarties. I don't know about that. Yeah, I was being kind. Oh, okay. She's a smarty.

You're a comedian. So where in your dating history then? If she was your first girlfriend, where in your dating history does your bad date take place? So her and I got together a fisher in like 2014. Before that, I like two years when I was, I graduated in 2012. So between 2012 and 2014, I guess like the apps were out and stuff, but like I didn't really, it was very difficult. I didn't go in a lot of days. dates. Some like hookups here and there. But this is actually, it's not even a dating story. It's a

hookup story. Is that okay? Oh, please. I should preface this entire podcast by saying if we didn't talk about hookup stories and count them as dates, then I would have no business. I feel a little weird going after these two women's stories after it's like, it's like you've painted this awful picture of the dating world how like how scary it can be. Mine is very stupid and horny. So thank God. Clear the decks. Thank God we're ending on a high note. So this is like 2013-ish, maybe between 2013 and 2014. Yeah, great. Great year, you know.

We didn't know what was coming. So I had met this girl, like, through a friend. We've known each other kind of in college. She didn't go to college with me, but I'd met her through a friend through college. And then now we were, like, adults, like, working. And she was very attractive. I don't want to use her real name. Well, yeah, we would bleep it anyways.

Please don't use her real. I'm just going to say Rachel. That wasn't her name, but I'm just going to say Rachel because I needed to say her name a lot. She was, she wasn't like a model, but she looked like a model, but very tall, like very attractive. No one would ever believe that someone like me would be dating her. Oh, come on. Did you not hear Fiona's take away? No, you're worth for me.

No, but this is 2013 for me. Like, this is that, you know, what you say about the Asian thing. I was still in it. This is before comedy. I didn't really. This is before crazy rich Asians changed everything. And I was going to say, did you hear her story? Women lower their standards all the time.

What makes you think? She wouldn't be out with you. But anyways, this wasn't even a date. She just kind of hit me up out of there and just like, hey, do you want to grab a drink or something? And like, it wasn't totally out of the blue because I had kind of known her, but I was like kind of random. We're getting drinks. And I found out like she had just kind of been cheated on or something. And I think she was on some sort of.

She was in a vulnerable place. She was in a vulnerable place. And, you know, hey, you know me? I'm an ally. You know what I'm saying? I'm connecting with her in an emotional level. That's what I do. Okay?

That's what I do. And, you know, we're kind of flirting. And I, at this time, I'm still like, I think we're just hanging. I'm not doing any moves. We're actually sitting across from each other to table. So no legs touching anything like that. And then she gets a little more drunk and she starts kind of like touching my hand a little bit, like from the table. And I'm like, okay, like, this is fine.

That's a sign. That's a sign. It's a sign. And then she really takes it up a notch. She, um, this is, this is something that women do something. She, she, she takes my hand and she puts my finger in her mouth. Um, did you just preface that by saying this is something women do? Sometimes, sometimes.

Have you had this happen to you more than once? Twice, but same girl. Oh, okay. Well, then it sounds like something this lunatic does, quite frankly. And public is crazy. Okay, but it's like, okay. The setting is 2013 New York City Dive Bar, New York City.

I think it was called like Black and White or something was the name of the bar. There's no one like this. A lot of good memories there, but very dark bar. She's put my finger in her mouth. I'm freaking out because this is awesome, but also I've got Ezema on my hands.

Oh, geez. I got X-O-Han's hands. So I'm like trying to change the, I only have it on my index finger. So I'm like a little, you know, freaked out about which finger she's doing it. Anyway, so she's doing that. And clearly a sign that, like,

she's in it. Yeah, I would say at this point, it's pretty. Wait, he's sucking your finger. He's sucking my finger, bro. It's crazy. And so now it's like on. So now we're like getting...

What are you doing while she's doing that? I don't even want to know. Just like confusion. I mean, it is kind of crazy because I really wasn't like I didn't do this. Like I didn't hook up a lot. So to go from like, oh, like it would be fun if she flirted with me to like now my hand is in your mouth. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Was this turning you on?

Were you like... Oh, yeah. I mean, this is like movie shit. This is like, you know. Yeah. Horror movie. Horror movie. Yeah.

We've seen different movies. Media diets are very different. I like it. I like it. I like the fact that you. Are you putting your finger in men's mouths? Of course. Oh.

I'm going to do it. Yeah. Okay. Well, I stand corrected. I stay corrected. Do it. Do it. I would miss.

I don't know I'm the. You'd miss? Yeah, I have a balance problem You have to grab their arms She doesn't have the death perception Yeah, that's what it is Yeah, yeah, yeah So anyways, so now it's like on

And then, so I go So now, like, I don't know why I said Well, I know why I said it like said I said, I said, do you want to go to the bathroom? So we go to the bathroom Which again, I think I don't know if anyone has a bathroom sex It sounds hot conceptually

But like, again, dive bar, New York City, like, it's fucking dirty as hell in there. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, I think I've definitely had experiences in dive bar bathrooms, too, because sometimes when you, I mean, we were young. Yes. We had roommates. Yes. It seems like a viable

option at the time, for sure. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, uh, we go to the bathroom. We're like making out. Uh, and then, uh, it's, it's very small. The back, New York City bathrooms. And so, was this like, uh, a single gender bathroom? Were you in the men's room?

It was like whatever gender bathroom. It didn't say that because it was 2013 but it was like both. So it was the handicap bathroom. I think that was all in the You were taking up space in the handicapped bathroom. I was and I was. And where do you park your cars?

Okay so we're in the but it's small. We're in the bathroom. We're about to have sex and but really the only position you can do is doggy because it's small that's the only position you could do I think in a small area that makes the most sense from like a efficiency

I think missionary makes more sense but where would she lay like on the sink or butt on the sink oh you're saying standing up doggy like arms like perploc doggy like movie style this is crazy yeah yeah yeah got it got it got it perfect okay so she turns around takes her pants

we're doing it doggy right and I'm like this is so awesome like this this never happens to me like you know this is like a movie like i'm freaking out i look down okay she has toilet paper stuck on her butt and it's it's there and it's like a this bar this bar's got black and white so all the all the walls are black so it's like you can't not it's so it's you can't not notice it's like the sun in this room right yeah so i'm was and i'm super like i don't know if oCD is the word i'm like a neat freak like i i i And yet you've ended up in the restaurant. With that finger in your mouth, fucking in it.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, you're really painting a picture of a clean person. Your shoes are sticky. Yeah. So she just looked up on her on her butt and... Like in her butt cheeks? Like in between, like on the whole. Like a lot?

I don't know. Or like a piece. Not small, like a decent amount. A clump. That's odd. One try. I don't know if it's a woman thing or not I don't know, I haven't seen it since.

Yeah, you seem like such an expert up to this point. So I'm like doing it, but I'm like, now I'm distracted and I'm like going soft. Why didn't you grab, like, I didn't want to touch it? Are you scared what's underneath it? You're making body contact with her and you can't touch her a butthole to get the tissue off? Because you weren't sure if it was just stuck there or if it was poop on it. That's one of the thing.

And now we said it. And now we said it. And now we said it. Thank you. Thank you. And so now I'm like trying to figure out how it could maybe like fall off. So I'm like trying to like have sexer in a way, like thruster in a way that like a vending machine. Like you know, your snack is kind of vibe.

I'm sure she was loving that. It's not still not working. It's not falling off. And then I went soft. And then she kind of looked at me like disappointed like, oh like. like I was looking for like, she didn't say this, but the facial expression was like, you know, like, she obviously knew that she was much harder than me and she was just like, oh, like, you know, I take a chance on this little fucking guy and I know now you can't. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And she wanted to get railed. She wanted to get railed. Yeah. And so she like pulls her pants up, toilet paper still there. And then she like leaves the bar. And I didn't say anything. And, and, uh, she left the bar. And that's, I haven't really seen her since then. It could still be there

The toilet paper could still be there To this day Yeah I want to know out what point did she realize Yeah The toilet paper Maybe she never did Maybe she went home

Took a shower And it just like rinsed off And she never And she thought that she did And you're the weird one there And that's the kind of the You know you're gonna ask me What lesson I learned

And I was really thinking about this And perhaps this is the wrong lesson But What I really walked away from this experience Is like I think hot people like when people have hot oras I think hot people are hot

not because they're hot but sometimes because regular people like me allow them to be you know what I mean that's beautiful you know what I'm saying like I didn't say anything to her

because I didn't want to I wanted her to stay hot I wanted right you didn't want to shatter the illusion I didn't want to shatter the illusion you know and I think like if you were to date with a hot person and they fart like a little bit

and you hear it you're not going to bring it up. If that person's harder than you, you're not going to bring it up. But if it's like somebody at your level, you're probably going to like laugh about it. Yeah. You know? And I think there's a lot of things like that happening where like hot people can like sort of maintain their image because other people won't say anything. Mm-hmm.

I know. I feel that. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So I don't know. Maybe I think every once in a while. Like losing aura points or whatever.

Yeah. Yeah. And this is before then. This is 2013. So the lesson is. The lesson is I think maybe sometimes hot people. should pull like a regular person aside and just like thank, thank us. They should thank us for letting you just be you.

Like, you think you're hot shit? You got toilet paper in your ass. Yeah, I'm sure that would go really great for the hot person and the quote-unquote regular person that they're pulling aside to thank. I'm sure what a rude awakening that must be for someone. For the regular person? Yeah, who didn't realize they were simply a regular person up until that moment. Bad dates. And that's the podcast, everybody.

You have heard it here first. Some terrible, no good dating stories. Jasmine W. Where can do people find you if they're looking for you these days? And what are you doing? Oh, yeah. You can find me on Instagram, TikTok at J-A-Z, M-Y-N-J-W. I do have a new podcast with my bestie called Quit Plan with Jasmine and Amber.

We're comedians. We're moms. We talk about pop culture and all of the above. Love, love. And I'll be on a comedy tour this summer, maybe in a city near you. It's called The Soft and Dangerous. comedy tour, really excited about it. And I'm sure people can find info on that on your

Instagram and TikTok as well. Yes, yes. All right. Well, you heard it. Follow her and you'll be updated on this upcoming tour. She's very, very funny lady. Fiona Colley, where can people find you and what are you doing these days? I'm on Instagram at Fiona Collie. I have a

website, FionaColley.com. Fancy? Yeah. And I'm on tour as well. I'm going everywhere in all the places. I also a podcast with my husband called Rampin' Up. Very clever. We love to hear it.

Yeah, I'm a hack. It's beautiful to see that, you know, no matter who you are, no matter what you identify as, you too can be a hack. It's not limited to just one specific kind of person. It comes very easy. Yeah.

Love that. Fiona Kali, look her up if you'd like to see her on tour. And finally, Fumi Abe, where can the people find you? What are you doing these days? Please find me on all the socials at the Fumi ABE. That's T-H-E-F-U-M-I-A-B-E. I'm also on tour.

So just go to Fumi-A-B-A-B-com for dates. I don't know when this comes out, but I think the only dates I have right now are like Portland, Seattle, Oklahoma City, randomly. Atlanta? I'm sure the lovely and fine people at the Oklahoma City would not like to hear that they're randoms to you, okay? Well, I told by age that I was like,

way to fill out the room. Flume. All right, you guys, that has been our show. If you liked what you heard today, please give us a rating and review. Five stars only, please. I don't care about the four stars and below. I only listen to the five star ratings. Thank you very much. I'm Joel Kimbooster. We'll be back next week with another episode of Bad Dates. Thank you so much for listening. Goodbye. Bad Dates is a production of Smartless Media, created by Robert Cohen. Executive producers are Robert Cohen and Stuart Bailey. Produced, edited, and engineered by Kyle McGrath. Produced by Anne Harris,

and Devon Tori Bryan. Associate producer is Maddie McCann. Social media producer is Tommy Galgano. Executive producers are Sean Hayes, Will Arnett, and Jason Bigman. Executive producers for Smartless Media are Richard Corson and Bernie Komensky. Music by Cushie and Evan Schleder. If you've had a bad date or would like our advice on any dating issues,

please tell us about it at baddatespod. At gmail.com or call us at 984-265-3-283. from 984-265-3-3-8-3. That's all for this week. We will be back for more.