Bad Dates with Jameela Jamil - That’s How Wolves Say Goodbye (w/ Rachael Harris, Elna Baker, and Morgan Jay)

Episode Date: September 4, 2023

On this episode of Bad Dates, Jameela welcomes Rachael Harris, Elna Baker, and Morgan Jay to discuss their most iconic dating fiascos. Rachael’s date comes with strings attached, Elna should’ve brought a flea collar, and Morgan debuts his new single “Sex Party (Let’s Go).” If you’ve had a bad date you’d like to tell us about, our number is 984-265-3283, and our email is [e-mail], we can’t wait to hear all about it.Rachael Harris: @rachaelharris on InstagramElna Baker: This American LifeMorgan Jay: morganjay.com, Morgan Jay Live At The VillageSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

I once was taken on a hike by an unbelievably handsome man, but half way up there's the first bit of the hike. He was way ahead of me, which is also so disrespectful, but I remember calling up to him, just going, Hi, I'm so sorry. You're very good looking. You're not quite good looking enough for me to do this. So I'm going to head for my husband.

Oh, my God. I'm not that you said that. Yeah. And he's handsome enough to survive it. I heard my feelings when you said that to me on the hype. Yeah. I was upset. Bad dates.

Bad dates. Rachel, Elner and Morgan, hello and welcome to Bad Dates, bloody hell. Hey, what's up? Hello. Hi. I'm so happy to have you here. I am so excited to hear all of your stories and thank you for coming on to tell me your truth about your dating lives.

I am someone who's not had a lot of dating experience and so I live for these fucking stories and so does my lovely audience. Before we get into everyone's specific tales, I just want to kind of get to know you, none of us know each other, right? None of us know each other. This is a blind date.

Yeah, exactly. Like a sexist, isn't it? It's like a blind orgy date. That's really intense. Morgan, will you tell me what you feel about the world of dating and whether or not you feel like you are a good date? I, so I'm 36, I have a girlfriend. We're in, so we're in an open relationship.

It's so I should put that out there, but I think dating is fun. In my experience. Should you put that out there because you're looking for other. No, no, no, no, no. It's, look, I'm not like showing, because I'm a touring comedian.

I'm not like showing that. I'm not your pimp Morgan. I know, I know. I don't show up to a city like DMing people, like who wants to hook up. You know, as far as dating goes, I mean, I think dating is fun. I have a good time.

I don't think I'm a bad first date. Could for you, Elmer, what about you? How do you feel about the world of dating and how are you to date? I enjoy dating think I'm a bad first date. Could for you, Elma, what about you? How do you feel about the world of dating and how are you to date? I enjoy dating because I feel like I love to meet new people. And even if it goes badly, there's like something to glean. And then I am like, I think I'm a fun date.

I was just something Morgan was saying, I completely forgot about this, but I was like a very late bloomer. I'd never had a boyfriend. I was sort of like sitting on the sidelines, like dreaming of someday getting to date and how, you know, and I made this list, and I found it in my journal recently,

and it was like future imaginary dates that I planned out. And one was climbed to the top of a tall building and list for him all of my life goals Which is a terrible date For you when you But can you imagine something like oh my god just like no and then I you guys I'm good I've heard from both of you and I'm out. Oh You guys, I'm good. I've heard from both of you. And I'm out.

Oh, this is me. This is your girlfriend, right? I'm taking off. So how was your vision for a good date evolved? How's it evolved? Alma? It has evolved. I mean, definitely.

I feel like I've been single a lot. And I also, like, I was more mental. I was 28, but I lived in New York. So, like, I was Mormon till I was 28, but I lived in New York. So, like, I didn't have sex. And so I feel like I, the longest relationship I had was four weeks. Wait, Elmo, can I ask you a question? I'm so sorry.

So you said you were Mormon? Yeah, not anymore, but I was Mormon till I was 8. Is this my future personal little question, but did you guys soak? Have you guys sort of soaking? Oh, we did. You guys know it's soaking in, no. What is it? know what soaking is? No, what is it? What is soaking is?

So soaking is like basically, it's so hot. It's like when you soak your balls. So. No. It's like if you're Mormon, it's nothing. Any sexual sin is like the most serious and next to murder.

But you find these like loopholes. And if you do sexual things, you have to like repent to your bishop, but like basically. But you fucking love that. I'm sorry. It's about like friction is one thing. So one loophole Mormons have found is they'll lay

on top of each other naked, the guy will stick his penis in the woman's vagina, and they won't move. And as long as nobody moves, then you don't have to repent and you've done nothing wrong. And God won't be angry. It's just sort of parking. You're parking. Exactly.

Yeah, rather than parking. Oh, you call it parking. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, it looked good wrong. And that moment. Yeah.

But I have heard of like a people will like get their roomate to jump on the bed to create the friction and then it's not like they've been doing it. So I'm just having through some. What? This is some of the best shit I've ever heard. Rachel, last but certainly not least, I'm dying to hear how you feel about dieting. Oh my god. What on earth, you're like, yeah, go on. Okay. I feel like dating's tricky. I feel like it's essential to get to know people.

I'm a hundred years old and I have two little children. So for me and I'm single, you have to get really quick to what's this going to be like tonight? Or is this about we're just good friends that are hooking up? Or is this what are you looking for kind of thing? I only know you for about seven minutes, but I already feel very confident that you are a very straight shooter on a date. Which I like. Kind of.

Yes, I am now. But when I was younger, oh, no, no, no, no. I would have been like so people-pleasy and so gross. You know, just like, just trying to like get you to like me, right? Like thinking, because it was like, this, I don't mean to make this a, like a TED talk on self-esteem, but it's like, you know, you, I'm an actor for a reason.

So it's like, you have to get to that place where you're like, you, I'm an actor for a reason. So it's like you have to get to that place where you're like, oh, I am enough. This is great. But I think until you really are confident in who you are. Yes, Anne. The lot when you're younger, don't you? Oh, for sure. Bad dates. I'm Anna and I'm Emily and we're the hosts of Terribly Famous, the show that takes you behind the velvet rope and inside the lives of our most iconic stars. This season, we're going to spice up your life, diving into the world of Victoria Beckham.

From her disastrous first Spice Girls audition to her fateful meeting with a certain footballer, say you'll be there, listeners. Okay, that's enough. You're going to want to be listening? Stop that immediately. Listen to Terribly Famous, early and ad-free on Wondering Plus. T-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t- found me Rob Briden on my podcast. In this series of Briden and I talk to, among others, Harry Hill, Ben Elton, Charlotte Church, Steve Cougan and Dame Harriet Walter. And that's just a few. We tend to chat for about 45 minutes to an hour, never longer. It's terrific conversation,

reminiscent, sweat appropriate and exchange of anecdotes. So do join me Rob Briden, wherever you get your podcasts. New episodes of Briden and are available early and ad-free on Amazon Music, or by subscribing to Wondery Plus in Apple Podcasts, or the Wondery app. Rachel, your story is called The Twilight Zone. And I'm dying to see how it happened.

My date, I knew somebody, I met somebody as you work and I had met them and it was kind of one of the things like, well, we have mutual friends. We should hook up and have a drink sometime. I was like, that sounds amazing. So we'll do that. We'll have a drink. He's super cute. Very good looking, smart, funny, all the things.

And you have to cycle back. Check from your friends, which is great. Exactly. He worked with my friends. Okay, so at any rate, but I didn't tell my friends that I was going to go CM because I had already kind of figured out, I didn't know where it was at, but I was like, I was into him. So I was like, I kind of was like, let's go.

And by go, I mean, let's get down. Let's go like I'm like I'm ready. So we meet for drinks. Ready to soak. Yeah. Yeah. You soak. I'm ready to soak.

And use friction. But we have drinks. And then he lives very close to this bar that we went to. And we have drinks, and it's fun. And we have drinks and it's fun, and we're having a great time. And it's pretty clear, like we wanna hook up. And so he's like, well, I live very close. So let's just go.

So we go back to his place. We start kind of making out even before we get into the house. And so we get into the house. And the first thing I notice as we walk up the stairs and we're kind of like getting into it is getting into it. Almost as dangerous. Yeah, we're just like making out, but it was like on. Like it was like we're ready to like hook up.

So we get into the house, we're making out, we get on the couch, we're making out, we get on the couch and suddenly I start noticing that there are puppets. There are puppets. Oh, no. Like all over the house. And there's like ventriloquist puppets. And all over the house.

How many are we talking? But just like in the living room area. And I'm like, okay, this is, so this person has an appreciation for puppets. And we're on the couch and I'm just sort of like, I'm aware of it, but he's so, he's very cute and smart and funny. And I'm like, you know what, it's gonna be okay. Are these like, like Jeff Dunham puppets,

like furry puppets, or are these like theisanal wooden, old school creepy bulge. You know what I'm talking about? There's like, yeah, there's a mix. There's a mix of puppets. Are they just sitting? Are they just sitting? They're just sitting. Oh gosh.

They're not posed together. I don't really remember, but that's a good point. They're not totally posed together, but it's enough that you walk into a living room and you're like, there's puppets. And there's like, I've got to look at this puppet. And so we're on the couch. We're making out.

And I, again, I know what this is, and I'm like, this is fine. It's okay. We all have our eccentricities, right? Yeah. It's almost in daily even some months cute and has a weird nutty habit. So then things progress. And I'm like, all right, we're going to go upstairs. He's taking me upstairs to his bedroom. And I'm like, okay, fine, we're getting out of that room. And we're we're gonna go up to the bedroom. And we get up to the bedroom.

And I get on the bed and I look up and there's like cutouts in the stucco where you would put a candle. Okay, I think that. And there's a puppet in the bedroom, in the cutout. And then there's a puppet on like a stool or chair in the madras. And then there's another puppet. And so I'm cognizant of this that there are puppets in the bedroom and I'm like, it's fine. You know, or I'm just like just let's just let's just do this and

we start having sex safely and and then and it's like it's fine and we're making out and I do do that it's like it's like it's like if you wrote it in a movie It would be like that would never happen But I really legit like could look over and be like What's up? Like I could see it. They have those eyes that are always looking at you no matter where you are in the room. It's like the moment they saw it.

Yeah, so I see the puppet and it's weird. And then he does this. Then he starts, he, God, here we go. He pulls out. He starts masturbating. He takes off the condom so it's masturbating and I'm like, okay, okay, and I'm like, am I? Am I gonna start? Am I? Let's just start doing that too, but there's like no Communication is just like and then he's getting And is he like? Wait, wait, wait, wait, is he furiously wonking? Is it a gentle rub or is it?

No, well, it's kind of it starts out like Slow, but then it very quickly becomes about him. And I'm like, oh, I'm here, but I'm not really here. I could be a puppet. I could be at this point. And so he starts furiously winking off. And then, and I'm like, I don't know exactly what I'm doing. And then he looks at me and he goes, can I come in your face?

No. And that's when I was like, I'm out. So Morgan, that's when I was like, he goes, can I come in your face? And I said, no. No, you cannot. Like, as if I was talking to, you know, a child, saying that. You're very, you're too handsome for me to be a

you're too handsome to be surrounded by moments are coming and then you take it out of here and then he says, can I come on your tits? And I was like, I just want to get out of here. Is it possible also that like if he comes inside of you, then the puppets don't get to see the whole show?

Yeah. It's like he's, do you feel like he wants them to be there for the big finish? Because they're all positioned facing the bed. So, you know, it's like, do you feel like you're in the... Oh my god. But it feels like who knows. Yeah, it feels like it's awesome to see what Daddy does. You know what I mean? It's upsetting. It is upsetting. But what I did is I remember, I think he finished. I don't really remember it, you guys,

because at that point I was just like, you know when you tell your friend, the first thing he said to me. It's the first time we've been intimate, like having sex or whatever. And when I share this with my friends, I'm like, he hates women. Oh. Oh. I literally did get up.

And that was weird too, like grabbing your things, you know, the awkward, like walk out of a chain. Did you take a puppet? I should have. No, but I just remember walking back down, and I think he walked with me, but just taking in just how surreal it was and knowing, oh my God, my friends are not gonna believe this. My girlfriend's are not gonna believe this. If you could ballpark it, how many puppets do you think

we're in his home? Yeah. If you could ballpark it, are we more than 10, less than 10? Yes. Okay. More than 10. Okay, so that's too many. That's literally nine too many

So I'm never gonna get the image of this out of my head and it's not even the first time We've had someone we've had someone talk about a collection of several hundred Garfields that someone had in a room that they were trying to have Sucks with so this is definitely it's definitely a thing. It's definitely a vibe It's a fringe movement that I'm dying to learn more about. And thank you for telling me that story. You were so welcome. You guys were welcome, it was my pleasure. Thank you for sharing Rachel. That's a good sharing.

Thank you. Thanks for having us. Oh my goodness. All right, we'll be right back after this. Bad days. Amazon 5 Star Reviews Presents Works better than BO. Today's customer review is from Rico.

Rico writes, I purchased this crafting with cat hair book on Amazon as I was tired of people sitting to near me on public transportation. The book worked like a charm. Five stars. Rico, my friend. Those are some next level problem solving skills. and that's how to make everyday better. Real Amazon customers, real reviews, really.

And we're back. Elner, your story is called Dark Side of the Moon. What happened? of the moon. Well, I think. All right, here we go. So, um, so I was married and I was married when all the dating apps came out, like, and they had never existed. And I don't know if, if this has happened for you guys, but like, I was like so curious. And he was too. We were both like, what is this world where people meet online and date? So we would like borrow our friend's phones to look at their Tinder and like,

we're just like, wow, what would it have been like to have been single when this was like available? Right. So then we end up breaking up like within a week of us splitting up. I like joined every single app. Yeah. So I'm, I'm sorry, how soon after discovering

that dating apps existed, you break up for the relationship. Three years. Three years. Yeah, it was like a month later. Really dodgy. OK, go on. So anyway, I'm on my very second Tinder date of all time.

I'm sitting at this really fancy restaurant across from the hottest man. I mean, he looked like Antonio Benderas, he was Spanish. And first thing he says when he sits down, is he's like, I wanna be totally forthcoming. I, it says on my profile that I'm 37, but actually, I'm 49.'m 49. I'm just like, oh, I don't put that in my age. That's a huge discrepancies.

I know. They're not even close, right? And he was like, I don't put that in because people will use age settings to like, we do out. Right, right. And I'm like, yeah, look young. Would you have been able to tell? He looks younger, but it's like by design. That's what the settings are for, right? Yes. Yeah. Yeah.

So then I'm like, well, you told me at least he's being honest. So we keep talking and he asks me about like my dating life. And I'm like, well, I'm just separated from my husband. I'm going through a divorce. And then I'm like, have you ever been married? And he's like, I'm married right now. Oh boy. And I was like, what? And he's like, well, you know, I don't put that on my profile because I just put anything on his profile.

It seems like. He's like, that weed's people out. And he's like, yeah, we, you know, we're polyamorous. We tend to live with, we used to live with two women. We all live together. And we just lost those two. And so we're looking for a third to, you know, join our mayor. This is actually a job interview. So what can you bring to the table? Would you have to move in? Yeah, so they all live together.

And so he basically spends the next two hours of the day pitching me on joining this commut. And I'm not knocking polyamory, but this sounded so much more polygamy. He was describing polygamy. And I grew up Mormon, right? So like if you, if you go back, like two, my great-great-grandpa had 21 wives.

My great-great-great-oncle had 15. My other great-great-oncle had eight. Respect. Respect. You know. So like if anyone knows, like this works out well for the men, not so much for the women, right? So I'm a hard sell, but I also like,

you know, you're on the date, you're there. I like, I just flip into journalist mode easily to be like, oh, I'll just ask questions. So I'm like trying to figure out how it works. I'm like, do you all sleep in the same bed? And he's like, yeah, yeah. Is it California King? And, yeah. Makes sense.

Yeah. So then he's like, the date ends. He walks me to my door, and he's like, you know, will you, like, do you want to meet my wife? Are you interested in, like, joining my marriage? And I was like, no. And he's like, oh, but I feel so much chemistry with you. Like, will I ever see you again?

And I'm like, no. But do you wanna come upstairs and make out for 10 minutes and not have sex? Is that, do you write down those parameters? Like these are these? Those are my, yeah. You're asking for 10% equity, 10 minutes of making out, and that's for the deal.

Okay. Why did you do that? Why did you want to come up to that? I hadn't kissed anyone in seven years besides my husband, right? And I was like, I just, but I, you know, so you've been feeling a little bit of this chemistry as well.

He was hot. He was hot. She was hot. But like- So you ended up soaking. They're soaked. We soaked. No, I mean, the thing is, like, I, I even did it, like all my stories

when I was trying to think of bad date stories all involved fingering. Cause like, I will, like, I'm like, it takes a little, there's a bar for me to have sex with somebody, but like all of New York has fingered me. So I'm just like, come upstairs, we'll see, you know, let's make out, right? So I bring him upstairs. She says with quotation marks, listen.

So he comes upstairs, he's in the bedroom, I run into the bathroom and I really quickly brush my teeth. And I come out and he pushes me against the wall and he kisses me. And then he pulls back and he's like, did you just brush your teeth? And I was like, yeah. And he's like, in the future, don't do that. What? I like to taste another human's mouth. Oh, no.

Immediately know. For those reasons I'm out. Nice, I'm glad. That's gonna be a note for me, dog. Well, the thing about me, is that my no is never, never someone else's though. So I'm just sort of like,

okay, that's like a thing about him. Good to know. Yeah, yeah. Let's though. So I'm just sort of like, okay, that's like a thing about him. Good to know. Yeah, yeah. Let's work. So we start kissing and he's kissing me and he starts doing this thing where he's like, he's like, oh, kiss me and then I pull back and he's like, oh, he's like tearing his hair

and he's like, oh, oh. Are you sure you're filming an episode of General Hospital or what? Yeah. And you sure you're filming an episode of General Hospital? Or what? But what exactly is he doing? He's grabbing his hair. Grabbing his hair is sort of like kicking a grub into it. A grub? What is it?

It's a ugh. And I think what he's trying to do is like, is he concentrated? It's the same sound. So he's like trying to telegraph like, oh, I wanna fuck you so bad, but I can't. But he's like overacting so much that it seems like, like he was sent there to kill me

or something. Like, hold a second, Adam Barr is supposed gonna actually end my life. Go on. So he's like, he's tortured. It seems like he was like sent there to kill me and he can't go through with it. Like there's this like inner conflict,

where he's just like, oh, yeah, I can't. And then he pulls back, he's wearing a button-up denim shirt and he just rips it open. And then throws his head back and howls. Like he literally went, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, So I'm like what's what's happening? Yeah, he's like he's turning into a werewolf. That's what he's like I I'm sorry, you know, when I get oh when I get so turned on I like to pretend that I'm a werewolf He did not say that he actually said that no, he actually said when he gets turned on

He actually said that. No, he actually said when he gets turned on, he likes to pretend he's aware of that. And that one, he was exactly what he was kicking his leg. He said that he was kicking his leg. I didn't know. No. The early section was like the firewall building. So after they shit, they like, they cover up the shit

with the exactly. Yeah. Exactly. Exactly. Yeah, he had the zoomies. He had the zoomies. They cover up the shit with the exact, exactly. Exactly. Yeah, he had the zoomies. He had the zoomies. So I was, there was a five minute buildup of like, okay, until he became the war wolf, now he's the war wolf.

So then anyway, he's howling, he comes in and he takes like his two fingers and he puts his fingers in me But then he immediately pulls it out and then sticks it in his mouth and he's like Sucking but he's also like like chewing on it in the corners of his mouth People listening to see what we're seeing just the act. This is so wild. I'm like I have no what we're seeing just the eye. This is so wild. I'm like, I have no, it's hard to do color commentage. Do you think he's doing on his fingers like a dog in?

I can't toy Elma. Like a dog toy. He's like, I'm not, but he's making direct eye contact the whole time. Yeah. For like a minute, you know? And so I'm just like, I'm like, I would pay 50,000 pounds just to be able to be in his eyes seeing your eyes in that moment just to see the look on your face. Jesus Christ.

And like also the fact that you let him think you after he was howling, I've made you told you. I think the legend of the week is that you're the, I mean, we need to work on your safety. Uh-huh. All I can think about right now is like, yeah, how soon did he leave? I mean, we need to work on your safety. Um, uh-huh. That's all I can think about right now is like, how soon did he leave?

Like, that's where I'm already at. I'm like, yeah. Okay, wait, so he's okay. So he's finger to you. He's chewing on his fingers. Well, I'm making direct eye contact. And I'm just like, I'm right here. I can see you.

Like, I don't know what to do about this. I'm watching what you're doing. And so then, and then he like takes it down to a whisper and he leans into my ear and he's like, you know what I want? What I really, really want. I want to go for it. Oh, sorry.

He's like, I want to be your lover. I want to be your friend. And then I laugh. And he's like, there's a Spice Go lyrics. Yeah, that's why it's that funny. And I was like, that's a Spice Girls song. And he was like, it is. And I'm like, yeah, that's their main song.

He's like, I don't know this song. You know, how does it go? And I'm like, I'll tell you what I want, what I really want. Oh my God. And then I'm like, I want you to leave. And he was like, yeah, I don't know that song. And I was like, well, those aren't the lyrics.

Like, I made the last part up, but like, I do really, I think you should leave. It's like the biggest red flag is not knowing spice girls. He was totally surprised. He picked up his snap on shirt, which by the way, the snap on shirt is such a telling detail. He's like, oh, you drive me wild. I'm feral.

Fortunately, I'm wearing a snap on shirt. And like, if you go on a date with a guy in a snap on shirt, it's the same as felt crow trousers, as in like the ones that like you can whip off like a stripper. They're the magic like trousers. So they're like, ah, so then he buttons, like he slowly burns the wrist snap button. And like we, I walk him to, you know, we're at the door. You just walk him to leave it at that that button. And I walk him at the door. You just hold him, just leave it at that.

Yeah, like I walk him. I walk him. So we're at my bedroom door and he just turns around. He's like, can I at least lick your asshole? What? Well, that is kind of dog behavior. That is kind of wolf dog behavior. Is this all kind of tracks for him?

You know, he's in a polyamory wolf pack. He said at least. At least. Get your mouth off. Get your mouth off. And I'm like, that's not how people say goodbye. Who says goodbye like that? That's how wolf say goodbye though.

Well, how I'm going to be saying goodbye to everyone now. That's how I'm going to say goodbye. That's how wolf say goodbye. the way. Well, how I'm going to be saying goodbye to everyone now. That's how I'm worried. That's a wolf's secret by. But you let him. Right. I mean, I've been married for seven years. No one had lived my asshole. No.

No. Wait, did you actually let him take your eyes off of that? No, I didn't. Okay, just the... I don't want to find out how I'd actually appreciate your tone of like, no, I'm not crazy. At this point in the story, I'm so impressed with how far you'd let that go. And I'm so impressed with him for that outro. What an outro.

What a legendary, like, I would want that on my epitaph as my last words. Can I at least lick your arthole? Unbelievable. Please tell me that that was the story that immediately jumped to mind when we asked you for one. No, the best part. I think this is, I kept telling you more story. I was like, I don't have that many bad dates.

I told one, I told that out. I think this was the sixth story I told. And I didn't even know it was that insane. And I guess you're coming back then, Elna, to tell me some other stories another time. But that was one of the, that was this, that's the dumbest shit I've ever heard. I, this man is a hero. He's a hero. He's the hall of fame. What is he? Wow, so many. Yeah. You've ruined Antonio Banderas for me forever, because he's who I've pictured for the whole story, because you said that at the top. So now I can never watch a Vita again. Thanks a bunch, Elma. And I can never hear a We're

Off in London. We'll be right back. Hello, all you delightful bad dates listeners. Thank you so much for loving this show. We couldn't have done it without you. And now I am so excited to announce that bad dates is doing our third live show. Be warned Toronto because we are headed your way. Tuesday, September 26th at 7pm for the Just for Last Festival, live at the fabulous and historic Elgin Theatre. Tickets are on sale now for another ridiculous night of our guest horrific tales of romance

gone wrong. We're gonna have another amazing panel of guest storytellers and may even call on you to tell your story as part of the show. So come see us live at the Elgin Theatre Tuesday, September 26, so we can all laugh together at more bad dates. For tickets, go to Toronto.ha-ha-ha.com In the first part of the 20th century, the Hilton family had a lock on the hotel industry by offering upscaled service at a modest price. The company was expanding fast and buying up iconic properties across the country, like the Plaza and the Waldorf Astoria, but their unchallenged rise wouldn't last.

An ambitious Mormon named J.W. Marriott decides to pivot from restaurants to hospitality, and he's after Hilton's business, developing modern hotels across the world, but both the Hilton and Marriott families will have to contend with their share of drama in finding a successor, while also fighting to stay solvent in a high stakes business. Hi, I'm David Brown, the host of Wonderree Show Business Wars. We go deep into some of the biggest corporate rivalries of all time. In our latest season, Hilton and Marriott are in a race to expand globally and secure

the loyalty of fickle customers. Make sure to follow Business Wars wherever you get your podcasts. You can listen ad-free on the Amazon Music or Wonderree app. And we're back. Morgan, your story is called sensual encounters of the third country. You know, this is honestly very embarrassing because I should all, I should just say first thought that I'm actually 49. Second off, no, I have. So, so, so, so I have, all right, so me and my girlfriend, we'd been together for

a while. We'd actually known each other for about a decade, and we first started hooking up casually. And you know, we had a threesome, and then we were like, this was fun. So we joined this app called, at the time, it was called Threinder. Now Threinder was an app for finding three sims and then it was changed to field. So if anybody knows. So they changed it from Thrinder, I guess it was too close to center, to field. So we joined this app and then we matched with a like a grassroots sex party group. That was

like advertising on this app, you know, and so I'm taking you back. So this is like our sixth sex party. And which already feels like a lot what I say that loud. Oh no, you're your face is showing signs of shame, don't be. It's very sex positive. I don't think it's viable. We're fine. So, um, so anyway, you know, the first couple sex parties are fun. They're exciting. You know, as a comedian, it's like, I got to try everything. I got to see what's out there.

This can be hilarious. Yeah. The first sex party we went to, I remember we were, it was like a nice four story, like townhouse in Santa Monica. It was actually like really beautiful. And we're leaving we're like going down the stairs and we see a couple and they're fighting and the guy is like I'm gonna move the microphone when he starts yelling at his girlfriend like we said no penetration okay that's what we said that's

what we said and we were kind of you know good one on the way out because you know sex party gonna sex party you know I, you know, Giggling on the way out, because you know, a sex party, you know what I mean? You know what I mean? You know, show up to a sex party. You know, it's gonna say, a sex party, all sex party, you know what I mean? More kids. So we're, we're, we're,

we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're,

we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, and all that stuff. And the guy who hosted that sex party came into the Apple Store to upgrade his iPhone. And remember, I remember locking eyes with him. And I said, I know you. As I hold my app in place. And I know you are. But fast forward a couple of parties.

And we had to run an errand and stop somewhere beforehand. And I parked in a CVS. There's a CVS on a Kohinguenga and I parked in that lot and my girlfriend's friend lived around the corner and we couldn't find parking. I parked in that spot. We went up there for a second, came back, car was gone, car was towed on the way to the sex party. So, fuck. Now I was already in a bad mood as I can't let this car stay overnight in the Toe Garage. So we got a, we got a, also Toe Garage,

kind of a funny name. I don't know, can mean other things. But so we go pick up the car. It's like 10 p.m. And it's still early for a sex party. You know what I mean? So we pick up the car. I'm in a bad mood.

They were left to midnight. Yeah, you know, we pick up the car. I'm in a bad mood because I had to just drop $400 to take my car out of this thing. And she's like, well, like, do you want to go still? Like, maybe the night could be salvaged, you know, we can like, I'm like, yeah, we might as well already on this side of town.

So we go, and this, this X party was in like a really nice apartment in downtown LA, but it was like a one bedroom apartment. Normally like at one point we were joking like we just liked going to these to see like the homes because some of the homes were just like the bathrooms were nice and there was like it was a decal inspiration. Yeah, it was like a sexy open house. You know what I mean? And so, but this one was like a really small one-bedroom apartment and,

that's not good. It's not good and everybody was kind of like, I don't know, the energy in the room, maybe I brought the energy in because I was already in a bad mood, but I think there was a lot of first times at the party, they didn't really know what was gonna go on.

And then like, How many people crammed into a what bedroom? I mean, at this party, I have to say there was probably like 20. Oh my God. But it was a big living room, and there was a big one bedroom. Okay? So like, you know,

but we're having sex in this room. And like 10 or 15 minutes in this guy, like pops out of a, what I thought was a closet, but it was a full bathroom. And he was like, hey, I went to use the bathroom. I'd been in here. I'm gonna just leave. I just feel like I just gotta get outta here.

So he was in there for like 10 minutes waiting for us to finish. Then I got to know where, then again, I'm very sex positive, but I just wasn't in the headspace for this, you know, this guy comes up from behind me and starts rubbing my shoulders and he's like watching what's happening. He's like, he's like, yeah, he's basically like, you know, sorry, I have vocal effects. I just want to make some story. I believe you just did

that. I said, you know, and so, yeah. Yeah, dude, Suns party, let's go. Oh, the suns party. And so, and not, not music started playing. And I said, what is going on?

That didn't happen. But I just want to say, guys, for anybody anybody listening I'm available to do like local sex parties. It's very on-brand for the the music that I sing and perform it my car. Oh god honestly that's like 40 songs one of the best songs for the year. You have to release it on TikTok. Let's go. This is so unhinged, this has never happened on any... Wow, so bad for tonne for so long, please. Thank you, thank you Morgan, you're a fucking legend. Bad dates.

Alright, before you guys go, before I let you go, thank you for spending so much time with me in Tellamy, so many honest stories. We have a story from one of our listeners, they send in sometimes the most amazing voicemails. And this is a story from Kate about her bad date. Take it away, Kate. I went on a Tinder date a few years ago

with a cute, shy, med student at a cocktail bar. So I asked him what he was specializing in. And he said, gynecology. So I made some perfunctory joke about knowing his way around a woman's body. And then I asked, so do you just do past years all day? He laughed and he said, but no, they wouldn't let me near a human woman. What? Okay.

So he went on to explain that he did ultrasound on monkeys all day for his job and Convertation sort of went like this. Oh weird. Okay, so you just rub the jelly on their little tummies and then do ultrasound He said no, you know the monkeys are too small. So we need to Go inside of them. I was fascinated and I said, oh my God, what? So you do a trans-badginal ultrasound on them with a wand. He said, no, they're vaginas are too small to fix the wand up. So we have to go up their butt. I said, what? You have to stick a wand up their butt. Tell me everything. Do you have to use the loop? this dick a wand up their butt, tell me everything. Do you have to use the loop? Doesn't the poop it in the way of the camera? He was trying to change the subject at this point. I just realized

sort of how unsexy it was. So, you know, he's uncomfortable at this point, but he said, well, actually the wand is too big. So, I have to put a little camera on my pinky and stick it up there. You stick your pinky in a monkey's ass hole You get paid all day to finger monkey butt holes He's trying to retain a little bit of dignity try to salvage the state and he said well when I was in turn It was actually my job to scoop out the group with my finger But now someone does that for me by the time I get there. So I said, wow, what a promotion. The date was pretty much cooked by that. Thank you, Prof. Leder. I love that. I'm going to stay on that date. That sounds like a fun date. That's more fun

than most conversations. I don't know why he was so embarrassed by that. I know. I mean, it's not the process of subjects. I'm so horribly disturbed by that entire interaction. Is he from New York? Elma, you said all of New York fingered you. Do you know if this? Did he wash his fingers? That's my question now. She's not a monkey, all right, Morgan? No, I just, okay, I understand. Use it for young woman.

But my favorite part is the fact that he's telling her about his promotion, where it's like, no, my job used to be to basically scoop the monkey poo out with his big pinky and now it's someone else's job. It's just, it's so upsetting. All of that so upsetting. And also, I mean, she didn't have to go full Barbara Walters on him, but I respect her because she did. I'd want to know, I'd want to know all, I think all of us would want to know everything. We would all of us, all the same questions, right? Yes, but for having a weird fucking job.

Yeah, what are they trying to learn from all this fingering? That's, I don't know. What is the science here? I'm not sure. You know what? I actually think for the first time in my life, I don't want to know. You know what?

I'm suddenly with you. I'm like, you know what? That was a great story. Thanks. Yeah, I think she made it. She made it. No, yeah. You know what?

I'm not sure she might have made it a bit awkward and weird. It wouldn't have been awkward and weird if you didn't have such a fucking weird job. We're all the way on Kate's side. It's because he started with the guy. If he just said, oh, I work with animals and just left it there. Why do you have to be like, I'm a gynecologist. It's like, why do you have to be clever? Hey, why do you call yourself that?

Yeah. Yeah, that's just good. Oh, man. It's a strange world out there. And I thank you so much for all of your stories. And Kate, thank you for that story. You sound like a fucking great day and a right love. And I love your curiosity.

I love all of you. We've never met before, but I feel very, very close to you. And I think this went really well. As far as first date, I don't know, like a vocal orgy with a live DJ, goals. I think this was top notch 10 out of 10. Thank you for coming. You're the best. Thank you for having us. Thank you, my 10. Thank you for coming, you're the best. Thank you for having us. Thank you, my straight hair. Thank you, my straight hair. Before we go, will you tell everyone where they can find you and what you've got coming up at the moment, Morgan?

You guys can go to morganj.com. I have a 30 city tour coming up. We started in September. We're zigzagging all over America. Sex parties across the United States. Sex parties across the United States. Sex parties across the United States. And then my comedy special, which I can promote, is out now you can watch it on YouTube. It's called Morgan J. Live at the Village. And if you watch that with a significant other,

you guys will, or a second or third day, I promise you will hook up. There's, I set up, I lay a lot of groundwork in the special for you guys to hook up. That's amazing. Baby making comedy. I love it. Elma, you can find, I've been in this American life for 12 years, so you can find many of my stories on their website. I'm also currently writing a book that I'm about to take out to sell.

And the only thing I have a disclaimer because in the middle of the episode, you said to help Morgan not feel ashamed. Elna got fingered by a wolf. And I wanna make sure if anyone tuned in halfway through, that they don't think it was a story. It was not so hard. It was a story.

I put a wolf paw in my pussy. I did not get to do that. I didn't do that. Ah! No, you didn't have to. Thank you for that. No, thank you for that. That would have been some weird headlines.

And Rachel. You can find me on Instagram at Rachel Harris. Hooray! Thank you so much. And I can't wait for all your projects. Everyone go follow them, everyone go find them, go watch all their shit. You're the best. Thank you for coming.

Thank you so much. Thank you. Bad dates is produced by Smartness Media and Wondery, created by Robert Cohen. Executive producers are Robert Cohen and Jemila Jamil. That's me, produced by Stuart Bailey, produced, engineered and edited by Devon Tori Bryant, also engineered and edited by Karl Mc Tori Bryant, also engineered and edited by Karl McGraw. Talent producer is Anne Harris.

Associate producer is Maddie McCann, music by Kushy and Evan Schletter. Executive producers are Will Arnett, Jason Bateman and Sean Hayes. Executive producers for Smartless Media are Richard Coulson and Bernie Kaminsky. If you've had a bad day and you'd like to tell us all about it, our number is 984-265-3283 and our email is baddatespod at gmail.com. We can't wait to hear all about it. That's all for this week, we will see you next can listen to bad dates early and add free on Amazon Music. Download the Amazon Music app today, or you can listen early and add free with

Wondery Plus in Apple podcasts. Before you go, tell us about yourself by completing a short survey at Wondery.com slash survey.