Bad Dates with Jameela Jamil - The Bar Is In Hell (w/ London Hughes and Grace Campbell)

Episode Date: April 17, 2023

On this episode of Bad Dates, Jameela welcomes comedians London Hughes (To Catch A Dick) and Grace Campbell (A Show About MEn) to discuss their most iconic dating fiascos. London declares her intention to find a boyfriend by Thanksgiving and tells us about the dishonest car that bagged a dissatisfied star, then Grace talks about shagging to socialize her dog and a date that took six months. Finally, our listener emails tell us about dates gone awry through lactation obsession, coke benders, and unexpected third wheels.London Hughes is the author of Living My Best Life, Hon: Following Your Dreams is No Joke, released September 5, 2023. Her comedy special To Catch a Dick is streaming on Netflix. And you can find out about all of Grace Campbell’s upcoming projects and stand-up appearances by following @disgracecampbell on Instagram. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Hello, Prime members. You can listen to bad dates early and add free on Amazon music. Download the app today. She ain't got no stories. Everything's so cute with her. Like, oh, the day me and James fell in love. They were so cute. I'm thinking, everything's so perfect. Like, no drama. Like, literally. Literally. There's been some chaos, but not much. That's why you're here, though, okay?

So I can, like, carelessly live through you. Yes, clearly. That's why you're here, because I want to... I want to... All of a sudden, they'd be the pass, and it's like... No, no, no, no. And that's why I want to meet you, pussy peasants, like... LAUGHTER

Pussy peasants, is that what you called us? LAUGHTER Are we pussy peddence? No, I was jammed. Not how I feel about that. Is that what you just said? Tell me about your scum to this ways. Your wrenches.

Tell me about what is right in the string. I'm literally sweating. All right, let's just she Oh, jam! Ah! Bad dates! Hello and welcome to Bad dates. The podcast that celebrates the absolute fucking disasters that we could all face on the road to love, to shagging. Well, both. I'm Dramina Jamel and I'm inviting some of my absolute favorite people to discuss their

most iconic dating clusterfucks. Now, we have all had them. It doesn't matter how hot, smart, rich, funny you are. And if you don't think you've had a bad day, that's probably just because you are someone else's bad day. So, without further ado, let's meet our guests who are two of my favorite people on earth. It's really nice to have two really close friends. First up, we have the excellent London Hughes.

He's a comedian and writer who became the first British woman to have her own Netflix comedy special, which has the unforgettable title of To Catch a Dick. And we have my very close friend and also hilarious comedian Grace Campbell, whose debut novel, it's called Amazing Disc Race, A Must Read, and just one of my favourite people, I'm so happy that you're both here

and you both know each other and you both like each other. What a fucking gift. Like women, right? Imagine. I know. I know. I know you both, and I love you both as friends, but I have no idea, obviously, as to what you're like today. Grace, how would you describe date?

I'm not going to lie. I wouldn't want to do it if I wasn't me because I'm very like, I think I go out of my way to be quite difficult on dates to see whether or not someone's going to be able to handle me like overall. Wait, give me an example. I'm poor. Okay, so good example is I was once on our first date and the guy was like really hot, like he was really hot. It was our first proper date. We'd had sex once before, but it was our first proper date. And these two girls were like checking him out and it was so obvious that they were trying to like sort of see whether or not he was enjoying the date.

So then I went to the toilet and he made a joke. Like, they're obviously gonna try and talk to me. Then I go to the toilet and I come back and they were sat where I was sat. These two go. Oh, wow. Trying to crack on with this guy. And so I lost my fucking shit.

When you say, lost your shit, what does that look like? I was screaming at him and at them. And I was like, what did you say? I was just like, what the fuck, we're clearly on a fucking date. Like we were like sat on a sofa next to each other like cuddling. We were so obviously on a fucking day.

What did they say? Yeah. And they were like laughing. They were Danish girls. Not that that's going to be serious, is it? Oh, the Danish. Oh. I should have started with that.

Then bitches. Yeah. I should have started with that, then bitch. I should have started with that. I was like, what British girl would do that? And you were like, they were Danish. I was like, no, no British girl would ever do that. No British girl would do that. No, we're not that way in time. No, it was wild.

It was wild. Oh, wow. I've shagged very sexy men. Like, my roster is fucking superior, but dating them is like the same. And we don't go outside, like the same. So now I'm like, I want to say, like, they've been my friends and like, we've been outside as friends, but like, they actually actively having a boyfriend that's hotter than me, I've never had.

So, I'm kind of jealous of both of you that you both experienced that and now I need to add something to my man diary in 2023 because I haven't dated a really hot boyfriend before. All my boyfriend's have been uglier than me. All of them. And I hope that you have built up their self-esteem. They had very big willies and they were really nice. What is dating you like? It's amazing. Honestly, it's an opposite of great. I don't know why Grace is telling herself short saying that like no one would want to date

her. Everyone should want to date me. I'm not set that more people haven't come forward and said that they want to because I'm exceptional. First of all, my head game is top tier. So number one, you're going to get the bed, the bedtest of your life. How many, how many years you've been in the streets for Grace? I've been single for two years now. Okay, I've been in the streets for six

years, guys. So respectfully, I've got stories. I want to get out the streets this year. My plan is to have a boyfriend by Thanksgiving. That's the plan. Right, that's the plan. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I want to, what are you doing? Because like one of my goals this year is to to have a boyfriend by Thanksgiving. That's the plan. Right, that's the good plan. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I want to, what are you doing? Cause like one of my goals this year is to go on a date every week. But how are you meeting these guys? Cause I don't do dating apps. So I refuse to like.

You don't do dating apps. It's beneath me and everywhere. Beneath me. It's beneath me. Beneath me. But there was you, me then. No, because I'm matching with guys and I'm going on dates with guys. I wouldn't even make my assistant.

So why is it that now we and you are sharing tacos when really, technically, you're beneath me in every way. So I know the side issue. Oh my God, you're a nightmare. This is like my friend who was having these really great chats with a guy on Reya, and then he said he could call her on his lunch break and she decided to completely block him because she was like,

Of course, because nobody. The fact that you have a lunch break, who are we in school? I've had a lunch break since I was 14. What are you talking about? I do want to say that as much of a wanker as London sounds like right now, she's got a lot of talk,

but she's definitely been dating people who don't have a lot of money. I just have a lot of sense. You're not about, yeah. That's what I'm saying. You're not a team member. You're not a group. You're a person.

Let's be clear. I am not a prick. I'm very truthful. The reality is, I know that I'm a whole star. I'm aware, right? With Raya and Hinge and all those dating apps, I will chat and I will entertain someone who's beneath me. But in the moment I find out they're beneath me,

I get the ick and I'm like, why am I doing this? And then I delete the whole app. Well, let's get into it. I wanna hear these stories. Okay, we're gonna, this is what happens when you get us together. We're just trying to, I know I'm get into it. I want to hear these stories. Um, alright, we're gonna... Yeah, see, this is what happens when you get us together. We're in a track called Radio. I know, I fucking love it.

Bad dates! London, I would like to hear your story. It's called Designer Dick. Go for it. Hit me. It starts off with like, it feels like a fable. Because this is a very new story, and it just sums up my current situation. So I was telling my friend about the guys I date, and at the time I was wearing designer,

I was wearing LeBouh Tonshu's, I had in Fendi earrings, I had a Fendi bag, I was wearing a Fendi dress, and I was like saying like, oh my god. It's a Destiny's Child song, this is like a tragedy. Literally. I was feeling fabulous. And I like designers and I like dressing well, and I like looking after myself.

And so essentially I feel like I'm quite fabulous, but my dick circle is broke. I have a broke dick circle. So the guys I have sex with are not... Oh, we call him as your cock ring. Basically my cock ring. Yes, yeah. The guys who have so, like, I literally,

I literally spend so much time and crafting like the designer look. Like, I literally will spend time in a store picking out the perfect shoe. And I don't give that same energy to the guys I have sex with or date. And so I need a designer dick circle and I don't have one. And it's and I realize this when a few months ago, I met this guy who was really nice, good looking,

really sweet, great personality. We really got on well. He was driving a matter at E. So I was like, cool, you've got a nice car. Not that I really care about cars. I don't drive in America because I respect myself. But I was like, you know what? He might have a nice place. He told me that he has his own place. I like to date people that have their own places because I have my own place.

And I get back to his house and he has a roommate. And not only that, he literally lives in a studio flat with essentially a curtain separating the two rooms and a little wall separating it. And I go into his bedroom. He knew I was coming. I go into his bedroom. His bedroom is a mess. Like filled, filled with things, books, it's just messy.

And I have a plan five documentary hoarder. Horders messy. And I have a plan. And I have a five documentary hoarder. Horda, and I have a Maserati. Thank you, great. This is a Los Angeles, it's deceitful. So anyway. Because you can rent cars for like a really reasonable price here. You can, but that was his car. So he spent money on the Maserati.

People like appearances. So I guess he bought the Maserati by his life is not a Maserati, it's not even a mini-coupart, it's busted, per show, 206. Anyway, I got into his room, and I could have left. I could have left at that point, but I still said,

and me and him were chatting, getting on well, and I was sitting on a little chair, which had a little bit of clothes on it that I moved to one side. And eventually, I got horny, and I was like, oh, my as well, smash.ny. And I was like, ah, might as well smash. We kissed. I was like, ah, clean your bed, let's smash. He moves his stuff of his bed. He has an air bed, not a real bed, an air bed. So I literally am like, at that point

I could have left. Like your room's a mess. You told me you lived by yourself. You have roommates, red flag. You told me you lived by yourself, you have roommates, red flag. You told me that you were a student human being. Remake for only a piece of material. For a piece of material separating. I'm like, cool, you have an air bed. I could have left then. I still didn't, guys, I have a Netflix special produced

by Kevin Hart, and I'm fucking a guy on an air bed. Do you understand the levels? I'm stuck by that. Do you understand? What, so I'm having sex with him now. And it was raining like crazy in LA. And it was freezing. And I was like, it's cold.

Can I, can we put the heating on? And he was like, oh, I don't really have like, like like a heating system. He had like this old school like fire lamp thing that he had to turn on for heating. Like he didn't have heating and I still didn't leave. And then we're having, I'm wrapping myself in his blanket, it's fucking him on his air bed,

the heat in lamp is on, trying to heat up the room. And then because it was raining, the roof starts leaking and water is dripping on my face. And I'm still having sex with him guys. At no point, did I say something? I probably five minutes ago you said that dating apps is beneath you. This is what I'm saying.

I have a problem. I literally say all this stuff and I don't live by it. I'm like dating apps are beneath me by fucking this guy and him up to you. You are on an air bed with the fucking rain on your face and you're still. You also refer to face and your... Lister! You also refer to yourself in your own special

as your dating history being a whos who of Uber drivers. Literally! And that is true. Because I'm like, why is it that I'm letting this happen? And I'm enjoying myself. The sex was amazing. But the surroundings, I was like, why am I doing this? And then his roommate who is a girl did not like that.

I was so loud so she like pulled the curtain back and she was like, I, and then he like came out. Showed my God. And I hit under the covers and I still didn't leave. And then in the morning she was on the phone. He stayed the night. I stayed the night. Oh my God.

In the morning she was on the phone. Like I just think his I stayed the night. Oh my God. In the morning, she was on the phone like I just think it's so disrespectful that he's got some bitch here. She's here screaming. And we live in a studio. It's a fucking studio. And I'm like hiding under the covers. And I literally don't want her to come out.

I don't want to come out of the curtain because she might recognize me. It's all night. I'm not hiding under the covers. We it all day for her to go to work. And then she went to work. And then I left and I said, do you know what? Respectfully, sir. Don't call me again. And so, yeah, after that, I realized that my dick circle is broken. I need a new dick circle. I need to put the same standards as I do, is choosing shoes as I do into choosing men.

So it's... To give your vagina the same respect to give your feet. The same respect, but my vagina has respect. She has the best time. It's just that... Yeah. In my vagina, I was thinking with my vagina. If I thought of my brain,

then I wouldn't be there, but my vagina was like, but you want this? People thought with their brain instead of their vaginas and cocks and this podcast would ever exist. So, you know, you suffered. Where did you meet him? So I met him for a friend. He works in television. So I thought that he was actually, you know, he works in television and drives the matter out of you. So I was like, oh, you're a, you're not like, right? Clearly, I just thought me and you were on the same level, because I was like, oh, I like making television and I don't drive.

So surely like, you know, this is someone that I can relate to, we're in the same circles, no. He was like an intern on this show and I didn't know that he didn't get paid for his work or if he did, it was very minimal. And on top of that, I literally was like, oh, this is why I am where I am.

Like, this is why. That's like, there's an episode of Sex and the City where Carrie goes to LA and then she gets with Vince Vaughn and then he's like, makes out that he's just like big deal and then then there's like, bathhouse and then they're going to come to him. It's over and he's her assistant. That is the literal like LA. That is the blueprint for Los Angeles Day in. And I just feel like, I don't mind,

I don't mind if someone's broke. I've, like, I'm fat. The first James is the first boyfriend I've ever dated who has like his own career money, but what I really hate is someone who's insecure about their finances to the point where they drown a car that speaks, it means that they're not comfortable with their status.

And then that leads to, are they gonna have a problem that I've got my own money? Like, is this going to be an issue? I cannot stand people who are dishonest about like their lifestyle or their fucking, I don't know, anything about themselves. I think that's like an immediate fucking red flag. Yes. But also it's just so, it's just, it's also, it's a bit, it's, it's an upsetting, isn't it? It's a bit upset. But this is the thing, the bar is in hell. And I genuinely, I genuinely, I genuinely, I genuinely, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, it's, it's just, it's also, it's a bit, it's an upsetting, isn't it? It's a bit sad.

But this is the thing, the bar is in hell. And I genuinely believe that. And for me, I don't care about the money thing, either, because like I'm a giver, I'll share my money. Did I ever think of what James is dad said to his mum when they met? No. He said, I want to take you from the squallor that you're living in to the squallor I'm living in.

Oh! Oh! That's real love! We'll go from squallor to squallor that you're living in to the squallor I'm living in? That's real love! We'll go from squallor to squallor! Exactly, that to me is like that's what I'm about. But I just want you to be able to afford your lifestyle. You don't have to afford mine, but like if you need to be able, we need to be able to go to a restaurant and you can pay for yourself. Like you don't have to pay for me, but you need to be able to pay for yourself. And like, I'm dating guys that they can't pay for themselves. So. Also, is shegging on an air mattress?

Like it was, because I, you know, I've shagged on an air mattress in my 20s. And it just like, every pump feels like sounds like a quiff like coming from the mattress. It does, you know, and that's why the roommate was so, I say, roommate, yeah, literally roommate, they shared a room while she was so angry because she could hear every, like, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, the noises of

the, boom, boom, boom. And I'm just, and he called me recently, he called me actually three days ago to tell me, I answered, like, who's this? And he was like, I just want to tell you how important you are to my life and how you've inspired me. And he thinks I'm an amazing person and he wants, he wants me back. But I'm like, I refuse to do that to myself. Even though sex was great, I cannot go back there to the mattress. We'll check back in with you on that. No, I'm not doing it.

I'm not doing it. I'm turned over a new leaf, guys. Literally, I'm not leading with sex anymore. I'm gonna get to know men as human beings and get to know them. I'm not in manifesting. I am, but I get that. I do get that on my dog's doing a shit. I should have taken out. Oh no. It's too late now. She's doing it. But basically, London, I'm agreeing with you,

because I feel like that's one of my goals this year is to just be like, whatever, if the sex is good, then that's fine. It doesn't mean I actually like them. And the thing is, because I'm a nice person, I'm like, oh, I can trick myself into thinking that I like him if you're a nice person too. Like, literally, if you treat me nicely and you're a good guy, you've got a good sense of humor and you've got, and you're good in bed, then I'll think, oh, I love him.

He's my boyfriend, but it's like, no, you don't like him. He's just a nice guy and you like his dick. And that's good. And you feel this is what's really freaking me out. Basically, last year I realized that I don't trust any of my judgments with men. And then that's it. And that's it. But don't you feel this is what's really freaking me out? Basically last year I realized that I don't trust any of my judgments with men. And then that's really worrying me because I feel like I'm all, like, I've been wrong so many times.

Same. You know what, maybe I think I've got fairly good judgment now in men. Why don't you just bring them all to meet me? I'd be like the Godfather. I can be like Bruce Willis, you know? Yes, it's like cleaning his gun collection when his daughter's bringing someone over

to that, just silently cleaning. I'll do that. I kind of wait for the day where I bring home a guy to you and James Jam, like, literally. I know, we all are like everyone's parents. Everyone is too afraid to bring my day over to me. I'm waiting to get, like, there's never been anyone that I would introduce to you and James,

because I'd be so scared you didn't like that. But that's good, that means you haven't met, because there's no guy that I would introduce. That means we just haven't met the right guy yet. Because there's literally all the guys that have been with in LA, none of them I would want to marry or introduce to James and Jack. So I know they're not the ones.

Yeah, so funny. Yeah, it's so weird how we're the same age as everyone, but we've overtaken over like a parental role. Oh no, there's a couple girls. There, Luke is disgusting. Yeah, you really are. It's disgusting, that's not make me sad because I'm like, I just know I'll never have that.

This is the thing, yeah. If 28 is just sat and returned apparently, right? So my ex, I was dating him up until the age of 28. And when I turned 28, he was like, you're gonna dump me and I was like, why? And he was like, sat and returned, you're gonna want everything different and you're gonna want to change,

and you're gonna change yourself. And I was like, that's not true. And literally three days after my 28th birthday I dumped him and it was like I changed into a different person so I'm glad that whoever I met before didn't I didn't date because I'm not the same person now but I feel now at 33 I'm right this is me now I'm gonna be like this until I'm 4 E 50 so I'm ready now to find someone I actually want to be like this until I'm 40, 50. So I'm ready now to find someone I actually want to be with and for this version of me to find love. So that's, I'm good with that. And now you've got a plan in place.

I have a plan. That's what's good. All right, so we're 23. We're going to be right back after this break. Bad days. Like the short, and it's full of a lot of interesting questions. What does happiness really mean? How do I get the most out of my time here on Earth? And what really is the best cereal?

These are the questions I seek to resolve on my weekly podcast, Life is short, with just and long. If you're looking for the answer to deep philosophical questions like, what is the meaning of life? I can't really help you. But I do believe that we really enrich our experience here by learning from others. And that's why in each episode, I like to talk with actors, musicians, artists, scientists,

and many more types of people about how they get the most out of life. We explore how they felt during the highs. And sometimes more importantly, the lows of their careers. We discuss how they've been able to stay happy during some of the harder times, but if I'm being honest, it's mostly just fun chats between friends about the important stuff.

Like, if you had a sandwich named after you, what would be on it? Follow Life is short wherever you get your podcasts. You can also listen to Add Free on the Amazon Music or Wondering App. or wonder yeah. That dates. I'm with that. Can I just pick up this dog shit on that one?

Oh my God. Go pick up the dog shit, babe. See, this is the thing I want to dog yeah, but like picking up their peeps and that. As long, my dog is at the dog trainers at the moment and she sent me a text about him saying that training him isn't that easy because he has. And this is one I knew he was my dog is at the dog trainers at the moment, and she sent me a text about him saying that training him isn't that easy because he has, and this is when I knew he was my dog,

said he has a low desire to please. Oh, go. No. Ah. He's like, I don't care. You don't want to tease you. Just like me. He's just like me.

A low desire to please is exactly how I would describe myself. If I was on online dating, that would be that would be your bio hundred percent your bio before we started this episode I was talking to Grace who is currently raising a puppy and she was telling me before you got here London that she's been sort of going out of her way to date as much as possible just for the puppy sake to socialize to socialize with the Basically, I didn't want to have a dog that was like annoyed if there was someone in bed with me. So in the first few weeks, I just got with so many people so that she was really socialised with different men in bed. But she's so funny,

because she's quite clever. She's basically worked out that if she's nice to them, she can come in the bed with us. So like she does this whole act where she's like, oh my god, like are you my dad, Ian? She looks up at them and just lies on their chest and they're like, oh, let her in the bed. But then it means that they all, like I got with two guys in December who just thought it was way deeper than it was because my dog

Like, cuddle them and I was like, oh, Backfires when the dog is more into the guy and they're like, whoa, whoa, whoa, this girl's clearly alone. No, the other way around Where they were like messaging this one guy was messaging me like how my two favorite girls like I've got present for Eddie. I was like Goodbye. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, do you shack it with your dog in the bed? Um, now I have ones, but not like... I couldn't! I couldn't!

No, I had a boyfriend who got licked in the bollocks by his girlfriend's dog. Uh, did you like it or no? No, he didn't like it. Some people might have liked it. Some people do like it. Yeah. He was so confused. I think his first thought was like, can I actually get down there? Did you like it or no? No, he didn't like it. Some people might have liked it. Some people do like it. He was so confused. I think his first thought was like,

I can now have she get down there. I'm so fast, but it was a tiny fox terrier who licked him in the bollock. Do you feel like the dog knows that you're fucking like, do you feel like the dog looks at you guys and it's like, something's going down town? Or do you think they just feel like? Well, they have Christian stigmatised belief about it.

Yeah. They're just like, whatever. Because they talk about sex. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, sex in the park. So that, hmm, interesting. I don't know. I want to call dogging when sex in the park is.

Did you know that? Never made that connection. Did you just never just made that connection? You're so pure. I know. This is the thing about Jam. She's talking to me and you, yeah, Grace. She's the opposite of us, like, literally,

she has no sex stories. That's why she has to be friends with us, because she's like, oh, what's happening in single world today? Oh, because she has nothing to offer this conversation. Literally, baby girl. So great to have that. Baby girl. Because I try and explain this to new Americans

who are meeting on this pug class podcast and they don't believe me Like she has nothing to offer it Not one thing Like me and I have a deep meaning for you kids Literally she's kids got two people six people She ain't got nothing and we know we'd have to chat and we'd be And I'd want Jam to like say something profound because she's so smart But she ain't got nothing to give me

in this area, because Baby Girl was not experienced. So this is what I think is hilarious, that she's the host of this. Grace, it's time for your story. Tell me about your bad date history. OK, so this is probably the story that, when I'm out, my friends bring up to like new people the most But basically when I broke up with my ex boyfriend, which was like the year of

2020 like the COVID year and then another lockdown happened here in the UK and it was like Christmas time and I live alone Why had because he'd moved out my ex? So I went on hinge. I basically there another lockdown was coming in and I live alone, well I had because he'd moved out my ex. So I went on hinge. I basically, another lockdown was coming in and I was like, I can't like be single for this because I was just, it was just going to be a disaster. So I went on hinge and I met this guy, he came to my house, like he just came to my house on our first day. Anyway, and then on our second date, well, it was like two days after Christmas, he was meant to be going back to America but Trump bought in the like COVID travel ban.

So he got stuck here. So I thought of like, I don't know what I was thinking but said he could stay with me. So then basically on our second day, he went and got his suitcase, came to stay with me, which I thought was going to be like, for a bit of time, guys, he didn't leave till May. Wait, when you tell him, when you say he didn't leave, as in,

he was paying rent and offered you? No. No, he was not paying rent. Okay. Okay. It's a fantasy island, London, she was not paying rent. Okay, okay. It's a fantasy island, London, right? It's a Christian. Okay, okay, okay.

So it was, it was weird. It was like, like, there's a bit in girls where like Shoshana doesn't realise that the Ray like lives with her and then she's telling her like, but you've been here like every day for like the last two weeks and he's like, have I? And I didn't quite realise it until like one of my friends was like, kind of insane.

You just like, go out of a relationship and now you have like this whole man like living with you. And I was like, he doesn't live with me. And they were like, where does he go? Like does he go anywhere else? And I was like, no, he never leaves actually. Now I think, I'm like, wow. I leave more than him.

Wait, were you smashing? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, we were. So that's how he was paying for his service. And he was very clean and like really good at cooking. Oh, he was very... A boyfriend. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, he prefers Mrs. X.

But you don't refer to him as your ex. No, he's just a very long date. Yes. That's how it felt. I kinda like that though. It felt like a day that turned into like circumstantially like you can't go back to America, we're in a lockdown. Let's just like hang out in my house and take trunes. But it felt like it was like a week. But then suddenly it was April and I was like this is kind of insane. Like that you're still

here. So then I turned him one day and I was like you know is kind of insane, like, that you're still here. So then I turned him one day and I was like, you know, you kind of like live with me and he was like, no, I don't. And I was like, well, you kind of do, like you do a bit live with me, like. And I feel like, you know, I was like, everybody keeps saying

that I should like ask you just like, be rent or something. And he was like, on a live of you. And then he like, left, went missing for two weeks. He said he didn't have Instagram this guy. This is such a long story. But then he would always be on Instagram. So then one day, like, we're hanging out in my house.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. How can he say he doesn't have Instagram when he's on Instagram? He was always on Instagram. He was always on Instagram, but he said he didn't post to it. Okay. And then one day, we were talking about someone, like, someone famous, and he was like, oh, I'm gonna go and follow him on follow him on my little bot Instagram account I have.

So then I went on the person who we were talking about since the most recent follows. Oh my god. So he's found his Instagram. He'd been posting pictures of me on this Instagram and my dog as well, my parents dog, we would like walk together. He'd been posting pictures onto this Instagram. and my dog as well, my parents dog, we would like walk together. He'd been posting pictures onto his Instagram. So anyway, when he then went missing for like three weeks, I didn't know where the fuck he was.

I was like, because I basically said to him, like, you have to go, like, this is so weird, you live with me. And but I was tracking where he was from this Instagram. And he was like moving all over the country. And then he resurfaced and he's still now two years later trying to be with me. So this man was in love with you. Yeah. This is a movie with Jack Black and holiday.

This is a, like, this is the holiday part too. So how did this relationship end? Yeah, so then it's dating. So how did this very long date? How did this very long date? This is the thing, like, this is why I do not trust my judgment because when I was in that situation, I thought it was completely normal.

And then now I see it, I'm like, that is so fucking weird that I let that happen. And then I think what happened was I started... Also sorry, sorry, the other way around, gender wise, had a girl just moved in with a guy straight after the first day, we would think that she's a bunny boiler, right? That's the cultural way of the guy.

Yeah, and from a secret sort of Instagram account, with everyone, like, she'd be nationally shamed on Twitter or something. No, I know. It's worth it to say. I kind of like it. Is that bad? Like, I like that.

I kind of don't see anything wrong with it. I'm like, he wanted you. He wanted you for accommodation. He actually liked you. But you didn't like him. My mates are in their travelling and they want to go home with someone or when they're at a festival, they call it Pull or Die. That's the game that they have in their head. Oh my god. You have to find someone to have sex with so you can stay in their tent. Yes, last in brief. Grace, how did it actually end? Just he just went back to America and now he's constantly.

Then I met up with him once in a moment of weakness, but it was just as friends, but then he declared his love to me and then we were like in this bar and I was so not attracted to him, I ended up going to the toilet and having sex with the girl who worked behind the bar while he was just downstairs. I think first of all, like, wait, because the toilet... And then he gave in to the toilet and he was like, Grace? He was here. The story took a big left and I didn't expect it to go down that avenue when you...

London's had to close her eyes to try and figure this out. In your defense, I will say, that no one had a good sense of time during the pandemic, like months to month, went by, but your story is taking the piss. That was too far. You went too far, Grace. What should be my bar, Grace? Grace dumped someone for saying the word dish. Okay, so like, they think I really want to say to the listener, right?

He might be judging me after taking someone in for four months. Is that now I've done a full 180, where like, my standards have just become like far too high in the last year since I stopped dating men and seeing them for what they really are. And also not trusting my judgment. So, but now I'm like, oh my god, they do like one tiny little thing

and I just have to block them. See, now should I be more like Grace Jam because I say my standards are so high, but then I let them do whatever I want. And the point is, we're both fucked. Yeah. Ah! Ah! Ah! All right, we're both fucked. Yeah. Ah!

Alright, we're going to be right back after the break. Bad beats! Hello listeners, Jemila here. I wanted to let you know about a new show from Smartness Media and Wondery called Just Jack and Will. It is the ultimate Will and Grace rewatch podcast. Sean Hayes and Eric McCormack, who starred as Will and Jack, will be watching the whole series from the beginning, and it turns out that while Eric has seen the show many, many times, Sean has somehow never watched his own sitcom, so they're going to be

looking at it with fresh eyes, bringing on their fellow cast members and fabulous guest stars, the writers and the director of the show, and all the people behind the scenes, who helped Will & Grace win an astounding 18 Emmy Awards. Sean and Eric have hilarious chemistry and if you've listened to Smartless or Sean's appearance with Conan on our very first episode of Bad Dates, then you will know just how silly and irreverent they can get and you will not want to miss it. Just Jack and Will is available anywhere you get your podcast. Episodes are available one week early and add free on Wondery Plus.

Follow and subscribe to it now. And we're back. Now we're here, now we're sharing. God, I really just wanted to date someone who would let me gluten free. Oh my God. No, because this is the big English man, like no one would let me gluten free. They were they say? They would just berate and belittle my need for gluten free food. Because they just don't, because English people don't understand, right? It's not like L.A.

English people would be like, if you say organic, they're like, oh, did someone read their chickpeas before bed? I hope so. And so that was very much our attitude. So I was once on a date with a famous British comedian who forced me to eat gluten. What do you mean, I'm almost...

Just like, like, went at me and went at me, like, saying that it doesn't exist, it's not real. Like, there's no such thing as gluten free. Like, you eat this and I promise you nothing's going to happen. It wasn't going to be today. It feels like it was going to be today. It wasn't. It wasn't.

But it wasn't far off. It wasn't far off. It wasn't going to be today's. It wasn't far off. It was the far off. All right. So this time I went out to the internet, the scariest place on earth to ask for people's bad dates for it. Why did you do that? Because they're fucking amazing.

I fucking love the internet. I love all the people. I love some of the people on it. And I have the most amazingly open listeners who give me their personal stories. We have a good sense of what it would take for you to bail on a date, but let's see what you feel about some of these stories. So, a man took me out to dinner and halfway through, he asked me how long I was breastfed for, and I kind of was like, oh, it's a bit weird, but sure, maybe he's a researcher, so he went on to tell me that he was breastfed for and I kind of was like a bit weird, but sure, you know, like maybe he's a researcher So he went on to tell me that he was breastfed until the age of four and that he vivid and I quote vividly remembers his mother's breasts

And to make it worse he then said that the reason he was interested in me is that She looked like his mom Wow, is that Prince Harry? Was that a poem? No, no, no, no. So she told him these are things he needed to work out with the therapist and not a first date. And then he stormed off and left her with a $350 bill.

Can I just say breastfeeding? There's a huge breastfeeding kink, you know? Yeah. Oh yeah, yeah. What, I know about this. Yeah, I've heard about this. I got loads of messages from girls who have babies saying that they get men messaging them being like,

are you still like taking, like, if they're single, like, can we meet up? Like, men who like one of them. I physically feel sick at this conversation. Yeah, yeah. I've got a friend who only dates women with artificial breasts because he with bottle fed is a child. What?

That makes sense. So he wants that plastic comforting sort of feeling. Do you know what? I can't. I can't. Yeah, I think it's quite logical. It's logical. You can't put it in existence. I went on a date to a jazz club with this guy.

This is one of my favorite stories I've had so far on this podcast. We'd been on a couple of dates before. We planned a big drinking night, but just before the date, he sent some texts about how it may need to be an early one, because he has work to do the next day. That's important, remember that. An hour into the date, he announces

that his quote unquote friend is joining us who turns out to be another girl. She arrives with a hairbrush in her bag. Turns out she'd asked to stay at his house earlier in the evening and he'd said, yes, I live in shock. Once again, I regain my composure. I text him some angry messages and he replies saying,

and this is one of the richest things I've ever heard. On a Coke bender, we'll reply tomorrow, sorry. Oh, no! I'm confused, she texted him when. She texted him after he'd gone home with this, with this other guy. Oh, he let put, I thought they were then hanging out. Oh my God.

Yeah. So this girl who has to stay, he sounds like just my type. Yeah. Oh my God. Honestly. Did you write this message, Ray? Do you want to say in your toxic grace?

Not hey. No, not any more more but that would have been so the kind of guy would have gone for before. Yes, toxic. You like toxic guys? Are you stupid? Absolutely. All right, calm down, Air mattress.

No, I'm not judging. Come on, I'm not judging. I am not judging. I am not judging. I shagged on oxygen. I am not judging. I'm just saying like if you're into that, you have to be a little bit toxic to that behaviour.

Yeah, 100%. Imagine bringing another woman to your date. That's fucking... But Jack, the audacity of people. Jack, I don't think you understand. You haven't been in the streets. That story was not shocking. No, I think it's really not.

It's really not. Because you're in a love bubble with the love of your life. But me and Grace, we have seen the cold streets. So like, that story didn't even shock me. That at all. Wow. I'm very sheltered. I think. You have dating privilege.

So like, you have white privilege and down to Sanless Truggles or black people. You have dating privilege, okay? You do not have to understand the struggles of single people. But by the way, I would have known that. I would have known that. But that would have to date me. And I didn't drink alcohol, so it was unable to go anywhere because I was so shy.

So, you know, like, it's not that I didn't try to go and raw dog the dating scene. Yeah. It's just that, you know, it didn't want to raw dog me. And that's your truth. And that is your truth. Given everything we've heard, everything we've thought, everything we've felt. Like, this is honestly felt like therapy, this chat. Is there any advice that you would like to get to? That's so nice, too. Because it's just really reminded me of all of my problems.

Same, I was about to say, does it feel like therapy for me? I know it's so, I'm not so enjoyable, man. You're not really, you're not really, you're not really, you're not really afraid. Me, for you to. I'm happy for you. I'm very happy for me. I don't, no, this has been therapy, I said it feels like therapy. I'm not too,. I'm very happy for me. I don't know. This has been therapy. I said it for me. I was like, I'm happy. I'm happy. I'm the same expression.

Did she really think that this was work? I didn't mean it for me. Did she think that we're happy off from this conversation? Well, not what therapy is supposed to do. It's supposed to have surface things up and you feel miserable all week. Yeah, no. I've had something worth.

I kind of wish I didn't do this, honestly. Like, I kind of would have liked to have just... I really had to look at all in the eye. Yeah, I'd go on. I didn't enjoy any of this. I don't want to be in my house. Guys, what advice do you have for a week?

No way. Go get, like, find love. Yeah, get married. I want to know what advice they have for me. Yeah, please, someone give us advice. I'm like a vice, please. Because I think what I'm now, and I don't have any advice for anybody.

When you tell me about this podcast yet, you were like, come on, the podcast is going to be jailed. It's going to be so funny. I don't understand. I don't. I don't. I'm upset. I'm upset.

I'm going to have to think about what we just spoke about. I might have to call you after this, because I haven't been thinking so many things in life now. All right, so I'll let you guys descend into a sex-essential crisis. Yeah, thanks, John. Appreciate that. Go fuck myself. Goodbye. London Hughes is hit comedy special to catch a dick is streaming now on Netflix and you can find out about all of Grace Campbell's upcoming projects and stand-up appearances by following at this Grace Campbell on Instagram.

Bad dates is produced by Smartless Media and Wondery, created by Robert Cohen. Executive producers are Robert Cohen and Jermila Jamil. That's me, produced by Stuart Bailey, produced and engineered and edited byel, that's me. Produced by Stuart Bailey. Produced, engineered and edited by Devon Tori Bryant. Talent producer is Anne Harris. Associate producer is Maddie McCann. Music by Kushy and Evan Schletter. Executive producers are Will Arnett, Jason Bateman,

and Sean Hayes. Executive producers for Smartless Media, are Richard Coulson and Bernie Kaminsky. If you've had a bad day and you'd like to tell us all about it, our number is 984-265-3283. And our email is baddatespod at gmail.com. We can't wait to hear all about it. That's all for this week, we will see you next time for more... Hello, Prime members! You can listen to bad dates early and add free on Amazon Music. Download the Amazon Music app today, or you can listen early and add free on Amazon Music. Download the Amazon Music app today. Or you can listen early and add free

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