Bad Dates with Jameela Jamil - The Musk Of Miss Frizzle (w/ Oscar Montoya, Tien Tran, and River Butcher)

Episode Date: February 23, 2026

On an all-new episode of Bad Dates, host Joel Kim Booster is coming to you live from Cobb’s Comedy Club at the San Francisco Sketchfest, where he sits down with the stellar panel of comedians Oscar Montoya, Tien Tran, and River Butcher to discuss their most iconic dating fiascos. Oscar takes us on an epic post-college adventure which, in the cold light of day, is tough to square as a “bad” date per se, Tien sets out for a memorable night and unfortunately achieves exactly that, and River is a helluva getaway driver and he just wants that acknowledged. Plus, a pair of bad date tales from our live audience!   Subscribe to our YouTube Channel for full episodes.  Merch available at SiriusXMStore.com/BadDates.   Joel Kim Booster: Psychosexual, Fire Island, Loot Season 3 Oscar Montoya:@ozzymo on socials Tien Tran:@hanktina on socials River Butcher:@rivbutcher on socials Subscribe to SiriusXM Podcasts+ to listen to new episodes of Bad Dates ad-free. Start a free trial now on Apple Podcasts or by visiting siriusxm.com/podcastsplus. Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

Excuse me, son. Are you old enough to drink? You believe so. What kind of home did you raise this person in? He doesn't know anything. How did you feel about growing up with gay parents? Did it fuck you up? You never really thought about it very much.

Are you thinking about it now? Cool, cool. What is the best piece of advice you have for me about being a good gay dad. What you obviously, they obviously did a good job. So I want to know what do you think they did right? Listen to them.

I already told you I'm not doing that. Hello, hello, hello, and welcome to another episode of the Bad Dates Podcast. I am your host, Joel Kim Booster. And if you are just joining us for the first time listening, we are live, coming at you live from San Francisco as a part of the San Francisco Sketch Fest here in January.

Oh no, it's February. Fuck. I fired. If you're just now tuning in for the first time, the Bad Dates podcast, it's very simple what we do here. I bring on some of my funniest friends. They tell some of their worst dating tales.

And here on our podcast, dates can be hookups. They can be marriages. They can be relationships. It runs the full spectrum of human relationships. And now, without further ado, I'm going to bring out our esteemed panel of guests. First up, please welcome

an actor, writer, and comedian from Dropouts Dimension 20 in Canto and Minks. He's a member of the Improop Troops Spanish Aki Presents and co-host the podcast, Bad Drag Race. Oscar Montoya, everybody. Give it up for him.

We are also so thrilled to have an actor, writer, and comedian from How I Met Your Mother and Mr. Throwback and Candyman. She is one of the hosts of the queer and women's sports podcast Jocular. It's Jen Tran, everybody.

And we have a writer, comedian, producer, and actor from Comedy Central, HBO, a league of their own, Adam Ruins Everything, and Friendsgiving. Give it up for River Butcher, everybody. Oh, my goodness. I am so excited. Thank you guys for coming for joining us on the live show. Thanks for having us.

This is a very exciting panel for me because I go way back with all of these people. River and I started comedy, I think, the same week. in Chicago, which is very cool. Cheyenne and I also started in Chicago. And Oscar is an acquaintance. We've exchanged words in the past. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Maybe we'll become friends someday. I don't know. How are we all doing today? Are we enjoying our sketch fest? Yeah. Yes, very fun. What's your favorite part about San Francisco? I wouldn't have had to think that long.

I love the people. Yes. Yo, the people, the people are great. What about the people, Chan? What about the people? They are people in so well here in San Francisco. No, very, very kind, very sweet. Every interaction I've had has been very positive.

Oh, until now. Yeah. I love the very divided opinions on Waymo's. That's what I'm really biving with. By round of applause. Who is pro Waymo? See what I'm saying? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Show yourselves! By round of applause, do you have a 401k out of everybody who... Sorry. By round of applause, who's a property owner? Who's... By round of applause, who's anti-Waimo? Yes. Wow. Now, fight!

Did you guys see that TikTok of the guy who was hiding in the trunk of a Waymo? Yes, I did. I think the fact that that can happen is Mark against. them, I'll say. Some of these people are out here trying to get a person in the trunk in the way, Mo. Oscar, what's your favorite thing about Oh, my favorite thing is the

AI billboards on the way to the airport? They're scary. You guys. What? Does anyone in here work on AI? Well, like, obviously they're not.

So many of you are lying. Guy Wu. Okay, we know you're here. And we know what you're doing. They're probably looking on chatGBT to see how to respond to this. And I just have to say, look, I understand.

Like, a lot of people are like, I just use it for this. Like, no. You know? And if you just use it for like a grocery list, like if you do, if you're using it, like I'm just, I just have to break it to you. Like, you need Medicaid. If you can't write a grocery list, you have a disability.

Get it checked out. I have a disability. I got it checked out. You know what I mean? Like, I just don't use chat GPT. Yeah. Listen, I'm one of those people who, like, probably would use chat GPT, but my chat GPT is a type A friend that I'm like, look at my fridge.

What do I need? Write that down. And that's how I get my groceries done, right? Get you a type A friend. That's right. Who is this friend? My friend. He doesn't want to share.

No, I want that. Now, before, I will say the thing about ChatGBT, GBT, B.T, before I knew that I was destroying oceans every single time I used to and stopped using it, I did once ask it, what is the gayest word? And ChatGPT immediately said, I don't play that way, I will not answer this question. All people are equal, and et cetera, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera.

It was like, they thought I was homophobic. And then I simply responded, but I'm gay. And then it was like, oh, and then it said, Slay, Queen, boots. Chad, he said, girl. It was like, oh, I didn't know you were a sister. You know, it's a shame. It's a shame we can't have fun.

But here we are. Let's get into it with our dating stories this week. We're going to start with Oscar Montoya this week. Now, Oscar, you've done the podcast before, but give the people a refresher. What is your dating status currently? What is your dating history? like, give us the context. I am currently seeing someone right now.

He's great, really awesome guy. Is he in the room with us right now? He's not here. Okay. So I guess I'm single. No, he's awesome. He's great. He's a very a patient gentleman, which I think

I need a lot. Because I'm quite chaotic. I'm all over the place. But yes. Okay, great. And what was your style before you met him. Were you serial monogamist? Were you a slut? What was your thing? I was a serial monologist. I was a serial monogamous. And then I was like dating like back, two back, to back. And then after a while I said, I'm going to be single. And I was single for 10 years. Not dating anybody, not doing a single thing. And then I met Sam and I was like,

okay. Okay. It's time. What about Sam said? Okay. Okay. It's time. The fact that he lived so close to me It's L.A. It's L.A. He lived two blocks from where I lived. I said it's going to work. And that is how you know. We are in our late 30s.

That is where it gets to at point. That's amazing. So, paint us the picture. Bring us to where this story takes place. Where in your history does it start? This was like post-college. I was working at, I was working for Scholastic Publishing as an event coordinator.

This is the first and last time I ever had a serious 9-to-5 job. It was crazy. So, like, part of my job was to create events for books that were being released at that time. And also to host children's parties, mostly, like, celebrities, children's parties. I also worked with a certain coli-sola at the time. Which is crazy. Make that name right up off the ground. Anyway, so this is, yeah, this was like right after, maybe like two years after college.

There was a friend that I had in college. His name is J.T., and he was older than everybody else in college. He was 26 years old. Oof. While everybody else was like 19-20. And so immediately that's like automatically like hot, you know. He was also a poetry major. Oh, so he was in school, but he waited to, or was he helped that?

No, this is his second time. It's an early midlife crisis is what he went. He went to school at FIT for toy design, won an award for Adore the Explorer, like, talking house, and then said, I am unfulfilled. I'm going back to SUNY purchase to study poetry, which is where I went to school. Anyway, this man was a light clap for SUNY purchase. Which, honestly, correct. That's the correct amount. And, yeah, he was, like, such an intellectual, very distant from everybody because he was older, but, like, everybody thought he was, like, the hottest guy.

He was, like, so reserved. And, yeah, anyway. So, we became very good friends. But he's straight, so nothing really happened. I don't like that a straight man created the door to explore our talking house, you know? That feels like it should have been ours to make. Stolen gay valor. And it continues with the story.

So two years have passed. We kind of don't talk to each other. He was seeing this girl who was like the epitome of a Zoe de Chanel, like, and around the time was like, you know, the baby pixie-dixie dream girl. Very adorcable. Yes, adorcable. Played the ukulele. Every color was fluorescent of some sort. What happened to those girls?

I don't know. Do they all work for Wells Fargo now? Like what? Yeah, they play the ukulele at Wells Fargo. They make things awkward at Deloite. Yeah. So he reaches out to me and he's like, hey, I haven't seen you. I've been living in the woods in Washington State.

I would love to, me and Jackie would love to see you. and we're like, oh, okay, cool, awesome. Let's hang out Sunday. We hang out, it's great. We have a great time. He still looks incredibly sexy. She's still quite adorkeable, you know? We go play pool, and, like, throughout the night,

they're sort of having these conversations to themselves, and they're leaving me out of it, which I'm like, what are they saying? What am they saying? And I, I'm like not going to get in their way. I'm like, whatever, this has nothing to do with me. You're doing it again, Oscar. It's okay.

They're not talking about you. So then at the end of the night, we go to where they're staying, and I have to work the next morning, super early. And I was like, okay, I have to go. And they're like, why? You can just stay and sleep in the couch, and it'll be fine. And I was like, okay. So I sleep on the couch.

I go to sleep on the couch, and they're like, wait, why sleep on the couch when you can sleep on the bed? And I'm like, okay. So I sleep on the edge of the bed and they're like, wait, why sleep on the edge of the bed when you can sleep in between us? And I say, okay, what's going on? Something is happening here. Anyway, I'm going to bed

So I go to bed Sandwich between the two of them We need the orientation Who is Big Spoon, who is in the middle Or you in the middle, but This is great for a podcast by the way This is the bed Famously in visual media

Jackie's here I'm in the middle And JT's here, yeah? Okay, but which one is your dick rubbing up against? Okay My dick is orientating towards Jackie Oh, interesting choice.

Yes, yes. Funny, yeah, funny that you think it's a choice. I was just tired. I'm going to bed and whatever. You're like, this is the side I usually sleep on. This is the side I'm comfortable sleeping in. But then, you know, I ultimately, in the middle of the night, I have become the little spoon to JT's large spoon, right?

And whatever, I'm like, okay. A man totally in touch with his masculinity, it's that he's, It's okay for him to cuddle up against me. This is nice. I'm so proud of men. What a win for men today. Oh, my gosh. I love that.

The logic of like, he's being so gay. He's definitely straight. You know? Exactly. And then throughout the course of the night, this is a family podcast, so I'm just going to say this in the best. Okay. His dick was unfurling on my.

back, okay? It was uncoiling, if you will. Like a birthday party? Like a... Yeah, yeah. Yes. Very... Like a... Or like that. Like a Billferry croissant. Very that.

Very that. The swellage was felt, you know? And I said, Wait. He thinks I'm his girlfriend. Wow. And I'm like, okay, how do I do this?

Do I say? say something out loud, that would be so rude. It's like literally four in the morning right now. And then I sort of like shift over to be like, I have a wide back. This is a guy you're cuddling. And it causes him to gyrate even more. Wait, so he's gyrating along with unfurling?

Yes, he's unfurling and, you know, yeah. I love that you're so polite that you're like, it would be rude to tell him that he's unfurling into my back. Of course. Like, you're so generous. You're like, I'm giving him space. This is growth. He's unpacking his masculinity.

Literally. I don't want to make him feel weird. He's unsheathing behind me. I don't, you know. And then he starts feeling me up. Hmm. Which parts? The top parts.

Ooh. The parts where there are no boobies. And I said, he must know. And I'm like, oh, wait, wait, wait, wait. This is kind of delicious. because this is something that I wanted to do forever. But his girlfriend is right there. How is this going to work?

And then I'm like, are we just going to hook up in the quietest way possible? Like, is this okay? What are the ethics behind this? So then I turned around and I was like, this is Oscar by the heart. And he goes, I know. And I'm like, well. And my pants go off.

And it's happening. As it's happening, he reaches over and grabs his girlfriend. And like a literal machine, she backs up on it, docking right on my crotch area. And I said, this was a setup. That's entrapment, honey. Now I know what I'd have gotten myself into. This was staged. Oh, my God.

So wait, she was awake the whole thing? She was awake the entire time. She was just waiting. 4 o'clock in the morning? She was waiting for go. She was waiting for the activation code, which was just a tap on the side. Sleeper, agent.

Literally. Literally. What is that conversation between a couple, like, just like, babe, when I tap you on the shoulder, it is, you back up, neck. Yes. So while we were at playing pools, they were literally talking about the course of action.

This is going to happen and this and I was like And meanwhile you thought she was so quirky You thought she was just like how do I use the cure pool Literally this is what you do to his day So whatever we we do and listen this is the first Threesome I've ever been a part of I've never done a threesome before Oh Okay okay cute

I've done more since you guys I'm pretty experienced Not really But also this is the like sort of my very first like mixed gender threesome two by king um hello um and listen i i've i've hooked up with all the genders ever so that's great do you want a purple heart what do you want and i'm expecting one in the mail thank you um so but i've never done it with a couple before an existing couple and there was something quite interesting as it started happening

where I was like, oh, you're giving each other notes while this is happening. I didn't know that that was a thing that people, I don't know if that's a normal three-something thing or not. What do you mean notes? What do you mean notes? Okay. So, for example, while, okay, so I'm going down on her and she's like very much being like, you know, she's like, you can be messier with that if you wanted to. And I was like, huh? She's like, like a harmonica.

And I'm like, oh, okay. So wouldn't that mean you'd have to sort of go and attack it from the side? Also, make sure you hold it with like this. Yeah. And I said, okay, so you want me to be John Popper, okay, and blues traveler, okay, work. But then while things were happening,

they were being each other's like creative director. They were like, okay, you stand here and then you go, here. I want you to eat his ass while I ride you now. Okay, good. Let's do that. Meanwhile, I was like, whoa, communication during

sex is new to me. And was there any input from you? Were you ever like, hey, I'd like to try. I didn't want to get in the way. This is like a dream come true. Are you kidding? I was like, make the least amount of noise. If I say anything, they might realize

who I am. And you're, kick me out of the bed. You are operating in this threesome as though they are T-Rexes. That if you move, they will see you. Yes, exactly. But it ended up being fine. Also, like, for me, personally, like, I love, like,

goofy sex, like, silly sex in which people, like, laugh at stuff and, like, we take breaks and we sort of, like, laugh. And they... Got your nose. Yes, very that. Yeah. Got your clit. You know what I mean? Very that. So, that was happening. It was so...

such a good vibe. I was like, I'm having the best time. We were laughing, like, having a great time. And I look at my watch. It's like, oh, the sun is up. That's crazy. It's fully 9 o'clock. I'm an hour late for work. And I have to go to a children's publishing company. I was like, I have to go. They're like, do you want to show? I said, I'm out the door already. I'm gone. I show up to the Scholastic Store. reeking in sex. Just like Miss Frizzle back in the day. The musk of Miss Frizzle was alive in me for sure.

And it was highly... Musk of Miss Frizzle, by the way, title of up. Yes, I reeked. I reeked of sex. Everyone could tell. I was not happy. I was there for six hours that day. Super embarrassed.

but they were like, oh, you got love. And I was like, I don't want to talk about this. I don't want to talk to the whole time texting them, being like, this is so fun. Remember when? Remember when? Harmonica, right? Like, having such a great time. And me just being like, I can't wait to be part of this pollicule.

It's going to be so magical, and I never saw them again. Did they ever text you back? No. And what do you think you did to cause that? I said something. You were the squeaky wheel in that threesome. No, they were very, like, while it was happening, they were like, we've been wanting to do this since college.

Like, you were so cool. Like, I had a big crush on you. He had a big crush on you. We were trying to find a way to, like, make this work. And it took us six years to do that. And I was like, y'all planned this for, you should just ask me. What the hell?

But I think a lot of their thing Because I reached, I mean Years and years and years later I reached out to him and I was like Hey remember that time? He's like yeah that was really fun And he was like oh that was a fun thing That we checked off our list

And I was like I was a bet Like that's what I felt like I was a bet to you She's all that Very she's all that Very she's all that But still I love it

And I cherish that memory forever Well Oscar We have a very special surprise for you J.T. and Jackie, come on out. No. They are not together anymore. That would be awkward for them to be together. I have to say, Oscar,

the title of this podcast is Bad Dates. And this sounds awesome. You sort of had a make-a-wish situation. I'm dying tomorrow. What would you say is like, The last, like the bad, the thing that when you said, we said, what's a bad date story you have? What in your mind made it bad? Just the fact that they ghosted you?

Yeah, I think the fact that it was like this magical, this happens all the time. Especially when I like went back into dating where people just don't talk to you at all. It's this like, you have a magical moment with someone and you spend a night with someone that you're like, I'm fully connecting with you. And the realization is like, oh, you've met this strange. for one night. Whatever story that you've created in your mind about the history of that person

is not true. They are dealing with mental health issues that is preventing them from, you know what I mean? Like continuing the date or whatever it is, right? But for that moment, while you're in it and having the best time of your life,

the sobering comes afterwards, right? And maybe like, listen, maybe luckily the sobering will never happen, and you're with that person till the day you die, right? You get married. And you get married.

You get married. But the bad date of it all is like, oh, wow, I thought this was a really cool moment. You were a stop on their sexual scavenger hunts. Exactly. Exactly. And in a way, it felt great to be objectified.

So maybe it wasn't bad at all. Oh, shit. Oscar, what would you say you learn? from this experience that you have now brought with you into your current relationship. I mean, the fact that you can, like, give each other notes during sex. Like, it's like, oh, I...

Oh, I don't like that. Oh, that's too much teeth. Ouch, you bite and it hurts me. Like, you can communicate those things. You're like, hey, give me my clit back. Yes, exactly. You've had it for 30 times. Days.

That's beautiful, and that's a beautiful takeaway. Oscar-O-Toy, everybody. Thank you so much for sharing. Bad dates. Next up on deck, it's Chien Tran. Tian, give us a little bit of background. Where are you at right now, relationship-wise? I'm married.

My wife and I have been married for five years. We've been together for 13. Nice. Yes, yes. How did you guys meet? We met, I used to throw a pretty fun birthday party with a friend, our friend Will. A birthday party and a friend brought her to the party and I was like, okay, who's the girl with the legs? And she asked me out over email two weeks later.

Email, yeah, I have an email, I still have it. And we have been together ever since. Oh, that's beautiful. What was your dating style before you met her? and a self-avowed lesbian. Yes, self-avowed. You've admitted that in the streets too. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You've admitted that in the press before. Yes. So I'm not outing you right now. What was your style as a les on the dating scene? As a les on the dating scene, I had a serious girlfriend. When I first came out, I did that thing where, like, I came out and I dated the first lesbian that I met.

And we stayed together for like two years. which is classic. And then two years of being single and being kind of messy, a little messy. Not like, just like dating around. And then I met my wife. Oh, okay. So wow. Not a lot.

You weren't doing the U-Haul thing with a lot of ladies. No, I wasn't U-Hauling a lot. No. No. No, just one. Great. Love that for you. Just one U-Haul. And it was electric.

It was very, you know, climate conscious. So give us the context of where in your history your story takes place. Okay, so my story takes place with this first girlfriend that I had met. We had been dating for like a year and we probably should have broken. You know when you're dating someone and you probably should have broken up already? Yes. We dragged it out for like another year of this relationship. And so where this is like early, 20, we're this is like early,

20s and this date we had really saved up for it. Like I was an intern at a life science ad agency company. Explain. It's not that interesting of a job. It's like, you know, any

scientists in here? Okay. You know those magazines that you buy pipettes from and that sort of thing? I was writing ads for that. Okay? I was writing ads for like piepets and PCR machines.

It seems like it would sell itself. Yeah, you think. You need this is what you wrote. You need. Our boss, my boss used to be like, we need to make it sexier. We need to make it sexier. I'm like, what are you going to fuck the pipette?

Like, what are you? So, I was an intern at this ad agency, and she was also an intern at another ad agency. So we weren't making a lot of money. And so we had saved up to go to the girl in the goat. And like, is anyone familiar with the girl and the goat?

Yeah. It was like the height of top chef's celebrity restaurants. Like Stephanie Isard had just won. She had like opened this restaurant in Chicago that everyone had been waiting for. And we saved up all this money to go. So we go to this restaurant. By the way, I'm embarrassed to say this,

but we did get in a fight on the way because I was like, you're not making time for my improv shows. Oh, that hurts. Yeah, no. I'm not proud of it, okay? So, stop. No, can you just? Wait, wait, but first, before we decide how mad we are at her versus you,

like, how many improv shows did she have to make time for? I just was like, come to, like, once a month. That's too many. That's too many shows. to be asking someone to come to, like, bad. I was, like, early improv, too, so you're in, like, a basement, and it's, like, you and your four friends, and she probably would have been the only audience member.

Okay, just to paint a picture for you. So we got into fight about that, but when we get to the restaurant, and it's actually, we're having, like, a really nice time. We're ordering all the delicious food. It's important to know that we got, like, the monkey bread, and, like, the lamb shank. And, like, growing the goat is very rich, heavy. food. Well, they're putting monkeys in bread.

Yeah, they're putting monkeys in bread. Very rich, buttery food. It's like, it's also she, like, is the one that was like, put fish sauce on green beans. And you're like, okay, white woman. Okay. She sounds so she sounds so whimsical, like Willy Wonka.

So, we eat this. I'm like, we get a dessert. I'm so full. And so is she. But we get back to her place and we're like, we're trying to make it sex. Right? So we start hooking up and she's like, I'm gonna,

this is a safe space, so I'm just telling you all. So she gets the strap on and she's, yes. That was literally, I was thinking, how does that work? You know, and- The strap on? No, like, when you were like, we started hooking up and I was like, but how?

Oh, my. So no. We are duetting harmonica players. It's a full bluegrass band. It's a full bluegrass fan in there. I'm playing the jug. So she puts on the strap on, and I mount. Get on the start.

We're having sex. It's really fun. But I was in a position that I unfortunately can only be described as reverse cowgirl. And, like, that's, it's such a... There is no better way to put it. But I'm like, it's so... unfortunate that we have to describe sex positions in that way. Anyway, reverse how...

Are you glad you brought your son to the show? Your son is... Your son... Where is your son? I literally was expecting someone with a propeller hat in a giant lolly hat. Yes. Oh my God. And there he is. There he is. Moving, right? And I...

You know... Give us that. Give us that move again. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know sex. You know sex, right? You all know sex. Yes. Were you gyrating and unfurling? I was jirling. Giriting and unfurling. And I remember that in her room,

she had like a bureau with a mirror on top. And I'm not a fan of seeing myself have sex. Is anyone in here? Do you guys like seeing yourself? Okay, narcissists. How do you correct your form otherwise? I got to watch the tape. I got to watch back.

Back the tape. Okay. So I remember just like staring at myself in the mirror and just being like, don't throw up, don't throw up, don't throw up, don't throw up, don't throw up, don't throw up, don't ther up, don't ther up. Because like, I can like feel the monkey bread is traveling up and the lamb shank and all the, it is just like traveling up, up, up, up, up, up into my... How big was the strap on? Okay. It was less the size, I could take it, it was less the size, it was less the size and more the gyration, like it was more the movement. The motion of the ocean.

The motion of the ocean. And, you know, I didn't want to be rude and stop what was happening. Oh my God. Obviously, you know. Because I'm like, I'm trying to reconnect. Like we had been not having sex for a little bit because we were not having a great relationship. So we're like, I'm trying to like keep this. This is going to improve things.

This is going to improve things. Incredibly. So I'm staring at myself, telling myself again, don't throw up, don't throw up. You know when you, you know that moment when you are throwing up but you catch it? Okay. You all, okay. Everyone's done it. Okay.

Or they're about to. Oh, yeah. I didn't catch it in time. but instead I sprayed it every dial on your hose that you can like turn you can like click it over from like gentle shower to like razor spray power wash power wash you sliced the air with your vomit yes I did I straight up just went and I And I jumped off that dildo so fast and ran right to the bathroom and threw up. And to her credit, she did come follow me right away and, like, held my hair back.

Which was very... Strap on first. I know. That's what I was... Yeah. Yeah. She's poking me in the back in, holding my hair. And needless to say,

We did not continue having sex that night. Why? I don't know. Something about seeing, you know, spray art of your vomit on the wall. Really, we had to, like, clean up the vomit that I had, like, sprayed. Let's not kinksham in here. Yeah, you're right. You're right.

Hey, if you're into that, cool. Yeah, so we, you know, we stopped and cleaned up. cleaned up the... You did housework. Yeah, we did housework, and I believe we started Avatar after that. Wait, are we talking which avatar? The first one.

No, no, no, no. The Last Airbender? Last Airbender or... James Cameron. James Cameron. Well, both of them would have been that. No wonder it didn't last. You want to save the relationship.

You put on Ang, the last airbender, okay? Sorry. Okay, wait, are we talking the live action movie or the animated show? Oh, come on, Oscar. Get out of here. He gotcha. That's who we met. And then we broke up a couple, like a couple months later. That's actually quite impressive you made it a couple months after this event.

Would you, wait, you would break up with someone for throwing up during sex? Yeah. Fuck yeah, said the little kid with the propeller hat. Oh, look, he's flying away. Do you think this Did this have anything to do with the eventual breakup? Or was it already? No.

No, we were already done. I think this was just like the last death rattle. Like the straw that broke the camel's back. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The bile that broke the camel's back. Yeah, the bile that broke the camel. What, Tien, would you say, is your takeaway

that you have brought now into your very successful 13-year-long relationship? Yes, don't eat fucking heavy. before you have sex. Yeah, no. This is real. This is like such a good piece of advice. Valentine's Day is coming up.

Fuck before you go to dinner. Yes. Yes. That's the other one. Yeah. Either fuck before you go to dinner or have a light dinner and then fuck. Yeah.

Or have a light fucking before. Yeah. I love it. I love it. Like fucking before heavy. Digits, you know. Nothing too serious. Chan Tran, everybody.

Thank you so much for being. Thank you. Bad Beats. And now to our final panelist, it is River Butcher. My friend, River, we were talking a little bit backstage. I don't know if you want to share. What is your current status? Oh, I'm happy to share.

I am in a relationship. Thank you. With a partner. They are a non-binary person. They're also vegan. So they barely exist. One of my favorite dates is to just stand in the automatic door so that they can scurry in.

That's like just one of my favorite things to do. Otherwise they can never go shopping. Not scurrying in. Scurrying in. Just scurrying in. I got to say all three of you have painted such pictures of these people. That's great. So that's wonderful.

How long has it been? It's been just over two and a half years. Wow. Yeah, yeah. Beautiful. Congratulations. And what would you say was your dating style previous to this relationship? Well, I mean, I'm a serial monogamous, like 100%.

I am a trans guy. However, I was raised by lesbians. So this is just the culture of my people most of the time. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So that's, you know, just true for me. I'm also divorced, so I just want to shout out to divorcees. You know what I mean? Don't bring that energy around me right now, okay?

Look, I'm divorced. I'm wearing overalls. Like, I'm just fucking living my life out here. You're a Mumford and son. That's right. That is great. How many, what was the longest relationship you'd been in before? The longest relationship is, are you counting? I don't need to ask that question.

I'm not doing math. I said I'm not doing math today. I think it is six years. Yes, six years. Six years. And what's the shortest relationship you were in during the monotonous period? Great question. Two?

Two. Okay. So, yeah, you were pretty serious. Yeah, yeah. I have not really been single. I can't really say that. That I've been single. I can honestly say, I think in the like almost 15 years that we've known each other,

I don't think I've ever known you single. No. Which is wild. Look, I have a therapist. Very honest about this. My partner knows this. Well, give us that now, paint us the picture.

Where in your history does this bad date or possibly bad, full relationship, take place? Well, I mean, I do have a rich history of mental illness and myself and the people I've dated, so that is true. But this takes place at age, like, it's probably 21.

And so I grew up in Akron, Ohio. What? Did everybody move here? Did we go to high school? Because I did a show with Oscar last night and like half the theater wooed for it. So that's great. Anyway, so you guys will know this story. There's a lot of gay guys fleeing Ohio, I have to say.

And they all relocate here. You got to get out of there. We're airlifting them out as we speak. That's right. In silks. It's very sexy. A little drone for the lesbians from pluribus. You know, it's like,

lesbian, get out. We're not mad at you, Carol. We still love you. Yes, so this was, I was like 21, and I wasn't, was I, I don't know. My, like, coming out, like, I've always, look. If you see old pictures of me from, like, my 20s and 30s, I do actually look like my own teenage son. Like, that's what I look at.

like, so like I've always been very queer, but like I was born in the 80s. You know, it's like I couldn't, I didn't know. I was like, I love Jody Foster. I don't understand. And so it was like, it took a while to like come out and like actually live my life because it wasn't safe. And it wasn't available really, you know? But I just remember the first time I met you with your, he was carrying like a skateboard

and it was the hottest person alive. So, congratulations on that. But anyways, so you were 21. Yes, I was 21. Maybe had come out, but maybe didn't need to. I was starting to know that about, you know, I was like, I was dating a man that I, actually, I just remembered on, I, I was dating a guy, and I had been in a relationship with him for two years or two and a half years. And he was the first person I came out to. That's what it was.

And then he was like, awesome. And then like a week later, he's like, you can't be gay. I'm in love with you. And I was like, all right. my bad so I was like coming out of that relationship and being like

yeah I'm I'm really gay I'm really queer you know and I was in college and I had met new people and I had met this friend that I was like this person at all she was like so funny so great and then I met a woman

that I was like oh my God I am in love with this you know like this person is incredible and so this is like the era when it takes place and so I would always just like my My method of, like, getting on dates with people, or like, I would just sort of be around.

And, like, fun. And, like, cool, you know? Like, walk up with a skateboard and be like, are you into it yet? Or? I don't really know how to say this, so I'm not going to. And so I would just sort of, like, be like, yeah, let's all hang out. You know, that kind of thing. And so this night, I was saying, I'll use names because whatever, you can bleep it out if they hate me.

But so my friend, and I, we would go dancing at this club called Thursdays in Akron. Oh. Okay, you guys aren't from Akron. I just, anyway. Because you know about Thursdays otherwise. But it was like this like goth slash like queer, not, it wasn't a queer club, but it was very queer. You know what I mean? Yeah.

Like Ohio. And so they had this same. playlist that they would play every night it was the same exact one like you knew when debaser by the pixies was gonna go on like 1113 every night you know amazing so that's where we went but we took this crew of people our friend Eric and then this girl that I was wanted to date but she was dating a guy at the time and I was like I love this for me you know like I I love like it has to also be like you know like an adventure you know like let's I got to get this damsel in distress

away from this disgusting straight man, you know. Admirable. Absolutely. And I was a skateboarder at the time, and this guy that she brought all for this crew to go dancing, he was a rollerblader.

Oh my God. This is a Disney Channel original movie. Truly. Incredible. Truly. But he was like an aggressive in-line skater, like a street in-line skater. So he's doing those tricks

where like, I mean, you know, you guys, like, even bad skateboarding is cool. And even, like, incredibly good rollerblading is so dumb. Yeah. Because, like, their tricks are like, I'm holding my boot. Or they're like, I'm going down the rail.

You know, it's like, it's just really silly, you know? Okay. I mean, I couldn't do it, but... Neither can I, but... No, it looks ridiculous. It's very much like... It's a humiliation ritual to rollerblade. It absolutely is. My first boyfriend in eighth grade

was a inline rollerblader trick. Doug, he's great. Yeah, yeah. Totally cool in eighth grade. Not so much at 22, you know? So we all go dancing at this club and I drove, so we were all hanging out. And it is the only time that,

and now that I have said this to multiple people in coming on this podcast, I'm like, oh, maybe this is a thing people don't do. But we closed the bar down, you know, and we bought beer from the bar to take home. Huh. I thought it was a thing people did all the time. That's a genius move. I mean, I'm going to do it here at cops before I leave.

They charged us like $30, but it was, you know, four in the morning so you couldn't get any more alcohol. That is some like early 2000s shit. It was, quite frankly, the early 2000s. Yeah. Yeah. And so we all get in my car to go to her. boyfriend or I don't even, they were just seeing each other at that time, go to his house

to keep drinking and like hanging out. And so this is like downtown Akron, which is like very sketch. And so I was like, oh, I just need a pack of cigarettes because every time I'd start drinking I would want to smoke. So I'm like, and they're like, no, we are not stopping anywhere. It's 4 o'clock in the morning in downtown Akron.

I was like, oh, it'll be fine. Just get a pack of cigarettes. We'll keep going. So I pull into this gas station. My car is packed my 1996 Chevy Malibu. which didn't have a rear defroster, just as a side note. Important. Yeah, you need those.

So I pull up, there's nobody at the gas station. Chekhov's rear defroster. I have a feeling it'll come back. Sadly, it won't. But anyway, so I pull into this gas station, there's nobody there. And it's a corner gas station, it's huge. And it's like, I pull in, and there's like a geo-tracker pulling in. And it's like some rural white kids just like in-toucher, whatever.

And that's the only people at the gas station and the person working there. And I walk up, it's so late, you can't go in. They just have a lazy Susan. And I'm like, I'll just have some camel lights. And he's like, totally. So then I like pay for them. And as I turn around, the speedway is just inundated with cars, like peeling into the gas station. And they open their doors and they start shooting at each other.

The last thing I thought you were going to say. Shooting in each other at the gas station and I go, holy shit! And then I see this, we're parked this way. And this like big Caprice Classic comes up behind my car to like block. I love that you know every make and model of every car. It flavors the story. So it's a big boat car, you know, it's like a cop car or whatever. It pulls in, like blocks me in.

My friend Danielle's also, we're both like hillbillies, you know, and so she's like, get in the fucking car, dude, we gotta go, you know? And I get in the car and she's like, drive, drive, drive. You know, she's got like her flip phone in one hand, like calling cops. And so I like put it in reverse. I whip the car around, like I back it around that car, whip it completely around, it turns around, she goes, gas, gas, gas! And I just peel out of this fucking gas station.

they're still shooting in each other I'm saying multiple guns multiple shots also those like hillbilly white kids with a geo-tracker are just like watching the whole thing fucking go down and then we peel off and my friend Eric is like looking like this through the back window and Daniel's like get down get down

we're getting shot at all this shit well he couldn't see through it because there was no weird across the shot thank you he was like he drew a heart so we're like pulling away My friend Daniel's like, oh, I got, you know, whatever.

And everybody's like, who, our adrenaline is like so spiked, you know. And we're driving. I'm like, holy shit. And everybody's like, man, that was, I can't believe that happened. I can't believe you got us out of there. And the rollerblader, who is the guy that's seeing this person I want to date, he goes, yeah, I mean, that was some pretty good driving. For a girl. No.

Is it a Disney movie. It's literally motorcross. It is motorcross. Literally. It is like motocross meets brink. Literally. Wow. Elder millennials shout out.

So I don't think it helped like his cause, you know, to be dating that person. I definitely think me being like the hero of the night and saving all our lives. And being a woman while I did it, absolutely. Yeah, yeah. What if he's like, what if he was like, I know how to stop this, puts on his rollerblades, goes to the people shooting at each other, does a fun trick. Everyone in his eyes.

He's holding his food. It's blocking the bullets. Don't do that. Stop shooting at each other. Did you end up getting together with this girl? Yeah, yeah. We were in like a two-year relationship, then we broke up, then we got back together,

and then that was it. Okay, well, trauma will do that for you. Very lesbian, you know, very lesbian. Incredible, incredible. What was your takeaway from this situation that you... What did you learn from your near-death experience that you've taken with you into now this relationship? For sure. I mean, well, number one, always have cigarettes. Number two, quit smoking cigarettes. And also, in this relationship, hmm, I thought about it that way.

I protect the people I care about. Oh, wow. Very cool. Very cool. Yes, clap, clap, clap, but you didn't really do anything to stop the gun violence. No, I didn't stop the gun violence. People died that night. Oh, yeah.

And you fled. Well, I mean, I used to, yeah, no, I'm not. Yeah, the cops are still searching for you, River. A key witness to the murder. That's why I transition. They'll never catch me now. If you want to find those boobs, they're at Ronald Reagan Memorial Hospital. You think they keep them?

Yeah. Because they messaged me. This is why, Joel. This is why I think they think them. Because I got a message from UCLA that was like, hey, you're very late on your mammogram. And were you like, well, they're there. You can just check them out. Can you just roll them out and, like, give them a good squeeze?

you know, like at a bakery at the end of the night? Like, is this still good to go? You know? Day old bread. Okay. River Butcher, everybody. Good for them. Incredible, riveting story. Bad dates.

Before I let you guys go, we do have a few audience submission stories of their very own bad dates that we're going to read, and we're going to actually ask them some questions about some of the situations that they've submitted. This first story, I want to make sure they're there. Grace, are you in the room with us tonight? I'm right here.

Oh, wow, right here. Amazing, amazing. So this is Grace's story. I'll read it for you now and get ready to be interrogated. Oh, oh, yeah, Grace. Keep it off for Grace. This is Grace's story. About 10 years after I graduated college,

I was out one night on Polk Street and spotted this cute guy I remembered college. We locked eyes and he started to come over to talk to me, but my friends and I were leaving the bar, so we basically said hi to each other before I left the bar that night. I thought it was a sign from the universe that we were reunited and I was trying to move on from a toxic X, so I spent the next five or six weekends going out around Polk Street and the Marina in an effort to find him. Gur. Some people really know these places and what they mean. I even took out a I ended up finding him at the tipsy pig in the marina and we exchanged phone numbers.

Wow, so much judgment for these locations. He was initially so into me and kept saying how much, how worried he was that he was going to like me too much. After about seven dates in the span of two weeks, we slept together and he freaked out and said he wasn't ready to date me more seriously. one of these dates included him taking Bart to my parents home in Fremont I was living at home then where we had spicy food for dinner and he took a dump in my parents toilet and ended up clogging it Oh toilet

Yeah yeah He came out of the bathroom bright red and asked me for a plunger Which caused me to fall to the floor laughing My poor Chinese mother saw me and asked me what the matter was What the matter was And when I told her in Chinese that his boyfriend Pooh had clogged the toilet. She also couldn't contain herself

and started laughing hysterically in his face. She did find him a plunger, though, and Poop Gate was resolved. A few months later, she told me she was glad things didn't work out with him. And that is Grace's story. Now, Grace, I have a couple questions for you. Incredible.

Was the Poohate date before or after he freaked out and said he wasn't sure he was ready to date you more seriously? I think it was like our third date So it was like in the middle of our courtship It was in the middle of your courtship So then after telling you he was not ready to date you He goes and craps up your parents' bathroom I think that he

Well because he's a white guy And I think he wanted to be We could tell We could tell When you said spicy dinner And then he went and shat his hands I was like literally Honestly

You said spicy dinner, I said this man is quotho-age. Yes, yes. He didn't have his ancestors on his side at that moment. No, no, no, no, no. So, wait, so he, he, when did, so the poo came after he told you he wasn't ready to date you more seriously. It was before. It was like, like our third. Okay, so then, Grace, I have to have some tough love with you right now.

You sort of ritualistically humiliated this man over bowel movements. And do you think that maybe that might have had something to do with his freak out? Yeah, it could be. Or I was bad in bed and then, you know, just... No. No, no, no, Grace. No.

Thank you. Are you with this, are you her... Oh, yeah. Just a friend? Grace, did he plunge the toilet, right? He did. My mom offered, but he did. Oh, my God.

Asian mother. Thank you. Asian mothers, okay? The optics of forcing a mom of color to do your, to clean up your shit is crazy, actually. River, do you have anything for Grace? What was the spicy food? I'm so curious. I'm from Fremont, so there's really good Indian food there.

So I was like, let's go have some. I think he wanted to be, you know, cool. and like down. And how do you? Well, the confidence of a white man I'm only just now stepping into mine. Was this sort of an intentional trap?

Like a trial, one of the many trials you were putting him through. Joe, you keep taking his side. No, I'm not taking his side. I'm just suggesting she's the villain. I'm kidding. Grace, I'm going, I'm totally on your side. Fuck him.

But have you dated a white guy's sense? I'm married to one now. I mean, y'all are good. How does he handle his spicy food? He's a little better, but not much. Has he clogged any toilets recently? He has not. That's good.

And then I have three kids who also don't like spicy foods. Oh. That's okay. That's okay. That's what you get for marrying a white guy. They're going to grow up to fuck up someone else's toilet. And the cycle will continue. Grace, same question I asked all my panelists.

Did you learn anything from dating this guy that you took on with you into the now current white guy? I think when I was younger, I chased a lot of fairy tales. And I think relationships are not that. Yeah, yeah, no. I see the fairy tale in this, like, Cinderella, he left the dump. And it sort of... And she's been going town to town with a piece of shit. Who's turd is this?

I will stick it up every man in San Francisco. Who had corn recently? Grace, thank you so much for being real and vulnerable sharing a story. Give it up for Grace, everybody. Okay, we have time for one more. Is Olivia in the crowd tonight? Okay. There she is.

So excited. Thank you so much for joining us. Oh, do you work at the sun? No, I just love it. Oh, work. Same. We're the same. Okay.

This is Olivia's story. I once swiped right on a Tinder guy with a personal plane in his photo, lured by the offer of free rides in his bio. He was a nerdy startup dad, newly separated with a 20-year age gap between us, but I thought, what could go wrong? We planned a flight, and I met him at the airport.

As he led me to the plane, he bombarded me with trivia and even quizzed me afterward. The energy was giving that feeling when you're over your friend's house in high school and you're making polite small talk with the dad. Oh, no! But I was fixated on the joyride over the Bay Area at sunset. Once on board, we sat shoulder to shoulder in the table. tiny plane. I tried to break the awkwardness with the usual first-day questions, but

he, librarian, shushed me so he could focus solely on the plane. I ignored him and took in the view of my city in silence until 20 minutes from landing, he said, hold your phone out, I'm going to make it float. He then nosedive the plane

simulating a crash, I panicked, screaming and smacking him to steady it. After he leveled out, I tasted metal and had to rush to the bathroom. I didn't puke, but pretended to, so I could escape. With a parachute? We had landed.

Spoiler alert, she's alive. She's here with us today. That is amazing. So did you ever see this guy again? Absolutely not. Absolutely not. Did he ever try to reach out to you? He was like, are you feeling this?

I was like, no. he shushed you like a librarian Josh this is an airplane Easy Wow Do you have any lingering fear of flying after this No just some techies

Baby move Wow You're really doing that sort of immersion therapy for fears Living in San Francisco Aren't you It's like when Tyra doused that woman in spiders

because she was afraid of spiders. You're like entering the Google building every day, like, huh, ha, ha, ha. Have you ever gone on another private plane date? I think I learned my lesson. Okay. Now, what is typically your type? Was that the kind that you were attracted to,

or was that like you were just... I just wanted the plane ride, to be honest. I see. What is your type? It's all dark and funny. So you were swiping, you're like, oh, fish, fish, fish, fish, plane. Now, here's my question for you, Olivia. Ultimately, now that you've had some distance from it,

do you regret going on the date? Actually, no. Exactly. No, exactly. If you are in your 20s right now, go on the plane, babe. Go on the plane. Put your life at risk for the bit, you know? Because once the stakes just keep getting higher.

Like, I'm almost 40 now. I can't put my life at risk for the bit as much anymore. The 20s is when you get to do that. I think it's really fun. Did you learn anything from this experience? If they want to, Techies can and will kill you. Girl, get out of San Francisco. You can't be here, girl.

They're going to come after you. Danger at every turn. Do you see a paddock? bologna Fleece Fest and get like triggered. Three-quarter zip. Watch out. A lanyard and you just get hives. That's amazing.

What's that? Do you ride wainspian? No. Absolutely not. And then on the right side of history. Give it up for Olivia, everybody. Thank you. Thank you.

Bad dates. That was incredible. Thank you so much to all of our audience participants tonight. Those were incredible stories. Give it up for my panel one more time, you guys. Oscar Montoya, what are you doing these days? Where can the people find you if they'd like to follow you? You can follow me on social media at Ozimo, OZZYMO.

Brilliant. Jan Tran, where can the people find you if they'd like to follow you? You can follow me on Instagram at Hank Tina. Love that. And River Butcher, where can the people find you if they're looking for you? Yeah, you can find me on Instagram at at Riv Butcher. Amazing. I have been Joel Kambuster.

I am the host of this podcast. If you liked what you heard and you're at home, please give us a rating and review. Five stars only. I don't care about the ones lower than five stars. I simply won't read them.

I don't take accountability. Talks to get about Joel, but give him five stars. Oh yeah, no, that's perfectly okay. You can say awful things about me and my appearance, but as long as you give me five stars, I won't notice.

Also, give it up for Joel, an amazing. Yeah. Thank you guys so much. Give it a round of applause for my team, the whole Bad Dates team that helped me put this together. The amazing staff at Copts Comedy Club, everybody who put Sketch Fest together,

and yourselves for coming out today. Have a good night. Bad Dates is a production of smartless media created by Robert Cohen. Executive producers are Robert Cohen and Stuart Bailey. Produced, edited, and engineered by Devin Torrey Bryant. Produced by Ann Harris. edited by Kyle McRough.

Associate producer is Maddie McCann. Social media producer is Tommy Galgana. Executive producers are Sean Hayes, Will Arnett, and Jason Baitman. Executive producers for smartless media are Richard Corson and Bernie Kaminsky. Music by Cushie and Evan Schleder. If you've had a bad date or would like our advice on any dating issues, please tell us about it at bad datespod at gmail.com Or call us at 984-265-3-283. 984-265-3283.

That's all for this week. We will be back for more.