Bad Dates with Jameela Jamil - The Ol’ Cincinnati Funny Bone (w/ Pete Lee, Lili Michelle, and Rachel Scanlon)

Episode Date: May 19, 2025

On a new episode of Bad Dates, host Joel Kim Booster welcomes comedians Pete Lee, Lili Michelle, and Rachel Scanlon to discuss their most iconic dating fiascos. Pete gives us the epic tale of the threesome that never was, Lili tells a comically large story from her Year Of Yes, and Rachel is either on a date or a Make-A-Wish, it’s hard to say. If you’ve had a bad date you’d like to tell us about, our number is 984-265-3283, and our email is [e-mail], we can’t wait to hear all about it! Subscribe to our YouTube Channel for video clips. Subscribe to our YouTube Channel for video clips.Merch available at SiriusXMStore.com/BadDates. Joel Kim Booster: Psychosexual, Fire Island, Loot Season 2Pete Lee: @peteleepeteleepetelee on socials, tickets and tour dates at PeteLee.netLili Michelle: @lilsmichelle on socialsRachel Scanlon: @rachelscanloncomedy on socials, Two Dykes And A Mic podcast Subscribe to SiriusXM Podcasts+ to listen to new episodes of Bad Dates ad-free. Start a free trial now on Apple Podcasts or by visiting siriusxm.com/podcastsplus.

Smart. Less. Neon. I feel like men with a lot of confidence that are monsters often have little dicks in the street. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And the big ones, the guys with the big dicks are pretty chill. Yeah, like Pete. Yeah, like Pete.

I was like this, like, kind was like, I was like this, like kind of like, well, oh, hello and welcome to another episode of bad dates. I'm your host, Joel Kim Booster. And here at this podcast, we are the only podcast that talks about bad dating stories. We're the only ones. We're the only ones who are doing it in the entire podcasting world. It's crazy.

We were the first. We will be the last. And I will not hear any fact checks on that whatsoever. If you're new to the podcast, this is a panel show where and I will not hear any fact checks on that whatsoever. If you're new to the podcast, this is a panel show where I invite three of my funniest friends and they dig deep and tell me a little traumatic story from their dating history.

And dating is, it's a wide net that we cast here on Bad Dates. A bad date can be a third date, a first date. It can be a 10 year long marriage or it can be a hookup. It can be really whatever serves the story the best because what we're here to do is entertain you with our trauma. Okay, before I get to our guests,

as we've been doing the last couple of weeks, we have sourced 150 questions from relationship experts that are supposed to be questions that you ask on a first date that will lead to a successful relationship. And the question that we've chosen today is what would you name your memoir if it were specifically about your dating history?

Bad dates. For me personally, it would be 9-11, never forget. Because huge disaster, huge disaster, lots of cleanup, but eventually success and freedom. And no French words left in my vocabulary. So that's my memoir title, but we have three more to get to as I introduce our guest for

today. I'm very excited. All three very funny people, as always, but this one might be a little funnier. I don't know. We'll see. Joining me today is a very funny comedian who has appeared on The Tonight Show nine times. Count them nine times.

He's currently performing around the country on his Ready to Connect tour. He's a good friend. Pete Lee, everybody. Welcome, Pete. Woo, how are you? Thanks for having me. Thanks for being here. You're an absolute legend.

Okay. Another legend with me here today is a comedian who co-hosts the podcast, Two Dykes and a Mike. Her comedy special is Gay Fantasy. She just stomped me on After Midnight. You can check out that episode. And she's on tour around the country.

It's Rachel Scanlon, everybody. Welcome, Rachel. Yes, hi. Thank you for having me. Obsessed with bad dates, this rocks. I'm so happy to have you. And finally, we welcome a comedian who was named a comic to watch

at the New York Comedy Festival. You can see her on Search Party. It's Lily Michelle. Hello, Lily. Hello. And a little fun behind the scenes tea, Lily is currently operating with a computer that might die at any moment.

So there's an added layer of suspense to this episode because at any moment we might lose Lily and it's terrifying. It feels like the show 24 where there's like a countdown. Yeah. This is the podcast version of The Pit right now. Exactly. Can we title this episode Losing Lily?

That sounds like a band I would have bought a patch for from Hot Topic in 2006. It sounds like a poem that I would have written about an actual woman named Lily in It's so funny like my memoir pot my memoir name for my Let's go in backwards order Lily, what is your memoir title based on your dating history? Well losing Lily sounds really good Pretty good. I was gonna this. It's pretty good. I was going to say that probably Young Horny and Sad is my name. Young Horny and Sad. That's a very evocative picture, I will say.

Thank you. Next, Rachel Scanlon, what would be your memoir title based on your dating history? I feel like my memoir title based on my dating history would be The Only Lesbian Too Many Lesbians found the one lesbian. Wow, so it's a trilogy. It's the Hunger Games. Yeah, it is. It's a trilogy.

Wow. It's a trilogy, yeah. I think it's really powerful. I wanna kind of confuse people and like draw in, like what does that even mean? I love that. I love that your memoir has a sequel. Pete Lee, what would your memoir title be

based on your dating history? Well, I'm a serial monogamous, so mine would be called U-Haul, because if I make eye contact with any woman, we move in together. Like, all it takes is direct eye contact. And then I'm like, just enter your address into my U-Haul app.

I love that. I love that because while Rachel was being hunted down by other lesbians in her prime, I love that because while Rachel was being hunted down by other lesbians in her prime, you were actually living the stereotypical lesbian life, the thing that we always associate with lesbians, which is you were appropriating lesbian culture in many ways.

For sure. By using your hall so early on in the process. Yeah, I really, and I apologize for my appropriation. It's crazy that Pete and I apologize for my appropriation. It's crazy that Pete and I were probably overlapping you hauling experiences in Wisconsin and Minnesota in the same timeline. Wow. Which means that there were no women on house

because of us in the Midwest. Our first storyteller up at the bat is the one and only Pete Lee. Pete, before we jump into your story, give me a little context for where you're at right now. Now, I've known you in relationships. Where are you, what's your current status? And what's your style? We know you're a serial monogamous, but what's your style now? Yeah, well, so I live in New York City. I just got my second divorce,

and I've been doing a joke on stage where I'm like, I won't disparage her for three reasons. Number one, like, you know I'm a loving person. Number two, like, I would never disparage someone who I once loved. And number three, I signed a legal document saying that I, I'm a loving person. Number two, like, I would never disparage someone who I once loved. And number three, I signed a legal document saying that I won't disparage this person. So, um,

so, I, uh, I probably won't talk about her at all, but I'm a serial monogamist and my family's like, no. Like, you can't, you can't have a girlfriend already. And I do, of course I do. And I've been, I've been joking around on stage where people are like, dude, you can't have a girlfriend. And I'm like, yeah, I do. She's her name's Cindy.

She's great. And I, yeah, she like, she's really kind and awesome. And big tits, tattoos, engineer. Yeah, it's awesome. Engineer came in third by the way. Yeah, yeah. Big tits, tattoos, engineer. Yeah, it's awesome. Engineer came in third by the way. Yeah, yeah. Big tits was number one. Yeah.

She could have been like big tits, tattoos, McDonald's. No, we love a big titted woman in STEM. OK, we really do. There's not enough representation for women in STEM and certainly not enough big tits representation in women in STEM and certainly not enough big-tip representation in women in STEM. So we salute your new girlfriend. Congratulations on that, Pete.

I'm glad you found happiness again. Now, on to your story. Where in your timeline does the story take place? This happened in 2004. So this is 21 years ago. My gosh. To set up the story, I've never had a successful threesome. And this was, this was the one,

this was my one chance at it. Like, you know how like Rory McElroy just won the Masters and like 15 years ago, he almost won it? You know, I know it's a sports analogy, but it's one of those things where like this happened in 2004 and then I haven't even had a chance for it since and although like I'm not also the guy that like threw it Out there like I'm like, let's move in together, which is a big swing and I could have been like what about your friend Katie? Yeah

I think it's interesting like when it comes to like love and dating and moving in, you are Michael Jordan playing basketball when it comes to threesomes. You're Michael Jordan playing baseball. And that is tough. That is tough. That was awesome. So it's 2004. You've never had a successful threesome.

I will say threesomes are hard, they're difficult. Especially, were you trying to have a threesome with two people in a relationship, three unconnected people, or were you in the relationship inviting someone in? Great question. I was actually single, and I was playing the old Cincinnati Funny Bone that was in Covington, Kentucky.

So it was across the river. If you've ever been to Cincinnati, you know that the other I literally it took me like five seconds. I thought you said when you said I was playing the old Cincinnati funny bone, I thought you were alluding to masturbation. I thought that was like a phrase that I didn't know about. That was like the Midwest where it's like I was at home playing the old Cincinnati funny bone. But you're talking about a club didn't know about that was like the Midwest where it's like I was at home playing the old Cincinnati Funny Bone.

But you're talking about a club like it's a skin flute or whatever. Yeah, the old Louisville skin flute. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So in back in those days, like like comedy clubs were open from like Wednesday to Sunday. They were like the most impossible, awful weeks. Now you get to go in for like a Friday, Saturday, and then you're home by Sunday.

And so on Wednesday night, I met these two waitresses, and they were waitresses at this bar called Blue Martini, which they have a bunch of those all around the country. And then by day, they were nurses, and by night, they were moonlighting as waitresses. And they were both not paid nurses enough. We don't pay nurses enough in this country. I'll be the first to say it.

If you want to be a nurse, apply at Blue Martini. And so after the shows, you know, I was like young and single and stuff. And I was like, I'm gonna go have a drink at Blue Martini. And I start chatting it up with these two gals. And then one of them went to the bathroom and the other one's like, oh, my friend likes you. So I'm gonna kiss you.

And like nowadays, that nowadays that'd be a red flag, right? I'd be like, oh, this is toxic, you know? But I was like, okay, like that, you know? And so this girl and I make out and I'm like, well, I don't know how long she's gonna go to the bathroom. So then I like kind of be like, go in your seat. We're not, you know, whatever. And you know when two people have been making out,

like their faces, it's like redness, there's change, you know, there's lipstick, whatever. And so her friend comes back and was kind of like, kind of was like, hmm. So then the other girl goes to the bathroom and the girl's like, I wanna make out with you. My friend likes you., kind of like, hmm. So then the other girl goes to the bathroom and the girl's like, I want to make out with you. My friend likes you. And I was like, I was like, okay.

And I'm terrible at secrets. And they were like, both of them were like, you got to keep this secret that when the other one leaves, we make out. And I'm like, I'm, I'm a horrible, like I, I'm somebody that like, like my buddy and I, we took mushrooms a few months ago and we were at this concert and he's like,

Hey, my, the guy that I work with this year year and he's like, don't tell him we're on mushrooms. The guy was like, hi, I'm Tim. I'm like, we're on mushrooms. I'm horrible. These are not girls. Girls. I gotta say, these are not girls. Girls. Why does it sound like a trap already to me? Yeah. It feels like a test that they are putting on you to see like how you react. At this point in the bathroom and then making out with each other. Maybe that's happening. Yeah, which is also hot, I guess.

And so anyway, so they so finally, like it's like Wednesday night that happens. Then I see them on Thursday. It happens again. And so like at the end of Thursday night, I was like, Hey, I don't want to blow this all up. But like, you guys are both making out with me. Like, can I ask really quickly, are you sure it was two separate women and it wasn't one woman going to the bathroom, changing her wig and coming back as a quote unquote second woman? And like a miss stout fire.

Yeah, a miss stout fire situation. A miss stout fire. Yeah, Mrs. Doubtfire situation. A Mrs. Doubtfire. Yeah, one of them was Robin Williams. And the other one was an older lady. So it could have been a Mrs. Doubtfire. No, it was, it was definitely, they were two different ladies with two different bodies. And, and they were like,

it was interesting because like one of them was like one of them was like really fit and the other one was a little thick and I like both of those so it was like you're really great fucking purple heart for Pete Lee I was like oh my god like yeah so I was worlds so I just blew it up I was like hey like you like I, have you like, I'm, I can't lie. I'm like, I'm going to mess all this up. I've been enjoying making out with both of you. And they're like, what? Both of us.

And like, yeah, every time both of you go to the bathroom, I make out with the other one. And, and like, I'm also somebody that like, like I have accountability and I also like, like I have accountability, like I can't lie. But then to have even to take the accountability off of somebody, I can like dodge the bullet. I was like, it was my idea for both of you. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. That's actually really funny.

Yeah, but then it's so funny because they both were like, no, like you're obviously lying. Cause it wasn't, it was my, it was me for this. And then both of them were like, it was me. And I was like, okay. And so they were like, well, what should we do? And I was like, well, I've never had a threesome. And I think it'd be great.

And they're like, what? Us? No. And then the thicker of the two was like, well, I'm like kind of bisexual and I've always wanted to hook up with her. And I was like, that's great. OK, so now we have two people in agreement. Now, did you get the sense that this was news to, I guess what we're going with is the fitter one.

Was this news for the fitter one that the other young lady was into her? Yeah, yeah. Oh. Yeah, and it was funny because she was kinda like, oh okay, and then we kinda negotiated the terms. She's like, well, she's like, I don't mind having sex with you while she's there,

because she's like, I'm not weirded out by her body. Like we get changed all the time. Like that's kind of a thing. And so we kind of negotiated the terms of the contract. It was like, she's like, I don't want to do sex stuff with her, but like we can like go down on you together, like as a team, you know? I think this is... A lot of people go into threesomes blind,

and there's not enough understanding of the roles that you've been cast in. And I think this is a really smart move, because oftentimes, especially with gay threesomes, there's just... Sometimes there's just not enough for everyone to do, you know? And you really have to figure that out before you enter the space. Because if everybody, you know, it wants to do the same thing, it just, there's not enough holes in the body.

So- There has to be like a pregame, like coach with a whiteboard taking a kneel. Yes. With the extras and those. You're here. You're here. I'm here.

I'm like, you know, that's important. And while he's doing that, I'm holding the poppers and sort of like observing. So I think it's very smart for you to have this game plan. So you've established that they will not interact sexually together, but they will sort of, you are the intermediary patient that they're both sort of. You're the Vendiagram Center. Yes. How did they both go down on you? are the intermediary patient that they're both sort of.

You're the Venn diagram center. Yes. How did they both go down on you? Like how did that, as someone who doesn't like to suck dick that much, I would love someone to help me. Yeah, well, I'm gonna get to that in the story. That's gonna be a very interesting.

So I was kind of like, you know, I mean, I'm a guy. So I was like, all right, so threesome tonight, right? And they were like, no, no, we have a shift tomorrow morning, we can't do that. By the way, they're getting hammered. They're getting absolutely hammered. Like, by the way, they both went to the bathroom often and I didn't know it then, but now I'm probably like,

oh, they probably were doing drugs in the bathroom often and I didn't know it then, but now I'm probably like, oh, they probably were doing drugs in the bathroom. Absolutely. No one loves to party and do drugs, like hardcore drugs more than healthcare professionals. In my opinion. 100%. If you're a gay anesthesiologist, chances are you on the weekends are getting turned inside out

by a drug I have never even heard of. Um. It's just how they are. It's true. It's really true. That's how they are. Yeah. So it was so funny that they're like,

we can't have this threesome, but we're going to do whatever we're going to do. Like back in those days, the Jagermeister was big and so we're doing the Jaeger shots and they're probably doing toots in the bathroom. And so anyway, they were like, no, Sunday, Sunday is gonna be the day because- The Lord's Day.

Yeah, the Lord's Day, because they're like, you have a Sunday show. I also think it's kind of safer a lot of times if you have sex with somebody on their last day in town, because then it's not gonna become a serial thing. And so, and then they didn't have to work on Monday. So I was like, all right, Sunday. So Friday and Saturday, I kept meeting them at the bar.

They'd go to the bathroom, we'd all make out. We started just making out together at the bar. So I was having like a bar threesome. And I was like, yeah, in hindsight, I probably should have been like, why is my mouth a little numb? And. And.

And. And. And. And. And. And. And. And. And. And. And. And.

And. And. And. And. And. And. And. And.

And. And. And. And. And. And. And. And.

And. And. And. And. And. And. And. And I won't say, so I was the feature act. I was the middle act, you know, making that like four sweet $400 for those five days. And I'm not gonna say the headliner, but I walked in on the headliner, like I got off stage and then I walked into the green room and the headliner, I'm like,

hey, you're supposed to be on stage. And there was a gay waiter that was sucking his dick in the closet of the funny bone. Like the funny bone had almost like the- Not in the closet. Yeah, I know, literally a closet. And that was my intro to a main character of the story, who is the gay waiter.

Oh, the gay waiter is a main character in the story. The gay waiter is a main character. So I was at the bar with the two nurse waitresses on Sunday night and we're drinking, we're doing some yager shots, but nothing too crazy. And I left my drink alone when I went to the bathroom. Well, apparently the gay waiter roofied my drink. What? Oh my drink. And that's-

What? Oh my God. So anyway, so the two nurses didn't see him do it. And then we were kind of like, all right, well let's go. And like the walk from the Funny Bone to the Cincinnati Funny Bone condo. So I was bringing these ladies back to a comedy condo. And it just, the walk started to get kind of wavy.

And I'm gonna say this, I've been roofied twice, maybe three times in my life. And the one mistake that the evil roofie people do is they give me like an otter's roofie amount when they should give me a bear's roofie. No, yeah, yeah, yeah. And so they misdosed me. They're not good pharmacists, the Predators.

Do you know if it was 1, 4B, GBL, GHB, which was it? Do you know the strain? I don't know. I only knew that he roofied me because he was bragging to the other people on the wait staff, like, yeah, I roofied Pete. This is crazy! This is a gay villain. This was just 20 years ago, and like, oh my God! This is pre gay villain. This was just 20 years ago and like, oh my god!

This is pre-Obama and he was openly as a gay man roofing straight comics? Pre-Obama? This was George Bush's country! Oh my god, this is... I got roofied on George Bush's watch. Wow. So me and the nurses get back and they're like, do you have any fantasies about the like the three way?

And I was like, yeah, I don't know why, but I've always thought it's cool when like, like I just wanted to like finger two girls at the same time kind of a thing. So like we're making out, and by the way, it's getting wavy. Like consciousness almost felt like a screen that was going like,

eh, bleh. And I was like, this doesn't happen with the Jagermeister. And I just, things were getting really weird. And I'm like doing my fantasy. And the fit one was like telling me, she was like instructing me and she's like, yeah, harder blah blah blah.

And dude, and I made her cum and I was like, oh my God, I made a girl cum in a threesome. And then the other one was like, I'm on antidepressants, it's gonna take more. And I was like, I don't know what that means. But I remember while this one was was coming and while I was like, well, this one's fun, but like a little impossible, I started to be like, oh my God, I'm gonna throw up.

Like, and so, so like, I don't know if you've ever been like, like going down and you're like, I gotta hold my breath a little bit or whatever. Like I can get through this or like, like maybe it's just like you're doing a lot of work and you're like, all right, this is about to happen. I can get through it. Imagine that with throwing up. And I was just like, all right, like maybe it's just like, you're doing a lot of work and you're like, all right, this is about to happen. I can get through it. Imagine that with throwing up.

And I was just like, all right, get through it. And then she comes and I go, I was like, and I like threw up a little bit and I threw up a lot. And I threw up literally like on their pussies. And like, it's like, like, like a Seth Rogen movie, like kind of a scene. I was like, oh, so sorry. And, and I found out that when I get roofied

and it's not enough to like take me down, what it does, it just makes me throw up uncontrollably for hours. Like almost like in between throwing up, you can't even catch your breath because you're hyperventilating. Well, so these are nurses and she like, so the one that's on antidepressants,

she's like, oh my God, she gets up, gets a towel. This situation certainly didn't help, by the way. She wasn't getting off of them after this experience. Exactly, exactly. Well, so she's like, oh my God, and she turns to the other girl, and she goes, he needs Klonopin. He's panic attacking.

Because I'm throwing up so much that I'm hyperventilating, and she's like, he needs Klonopin. And that's a wrong move if you've been roofied, my friend. Yeah. Well, apparently it is a course of treatment. Like if you're if you're like having a panic attack, like so it like stopped that. And for sure, a panic attack, but not if you've already been roofied with a downer. Yeah, with a downer. Well, so I start to like I'm like jello mellow and like like and I keep the Kalanip and down

and they gave me one of the quick dissolves or whatever. And so then and then like they went to CVS or like one of them went to CVS and got me like Petite Light and all this kind of stuff. And they just like took care of me. They took care of me all night and they were so sweet. They did take an oath. They took care of me all night. And they were so sweet. Well, they did take an oath, so. Yeah. Yeah. It was legal.

But like, and like, when like they, like I got in like a shower after like it was all done and like state, like we like all showered together. And cause there was like a big shower at the condo. And I was like, oh, that's cool. And then like, we like kind of all snuggled to sleep and we woke up and it was really sweet. So like I like a snuggle, like naked three way or whatever.

And then I woke up in the morning and I was like, hey, so there's like no chance that like we can fire this back up and they're like, no chance, zero chances of that after what happened. I was like, okay, cool. What was the lesson you think you took away from this story that you applied to the rest of your life? I think that I'm not meant to have a three-way

because I'm a serial monogamous and I would have married both of them. And honestly, I'm such a good guy that I would have had that three-way and if I would have had any penetration, somehow I would have gotten both of them pregnant and then I would have had that three way and like, if I would have had any penetration, somehow I would have gotten both of them pregnant and then I would have been tied to Kentucky with two babies at the same time.

And there's your half hour pilot right there. Ah! Bad Dates! Bad Dates! We're gonna move on now to Lily Michelle. We got to get her in. We got to make sure the story gets told before technology gets in the way. Where in your timeline, I'm assuming it's during the young satin horny period. Does your story take place?

Paint us a picture. It takes place in 2019. Like right, like a fall of 2019, like right before the pandemic. And we didn't know, we had no idea what was coming. I remember, I remember new years that year, like flopping down on my bed in Mexico and pulling up Twitter and being like, oh, we just assassinated someone in Iran. I guess that's going to be the big thing this year is our Iran.

What's this thing going on in China? I bet that will never affect me. No, truly as an Iranian, I was like, wow, Iran and America this year, it's going to be this is it. Yeah. And then we got a little distracted. So 2019, honestly one of my favorite years, but let's hear how it went for you. Such a good year, other than my dating life.

My life has been so fun and amazing except for my love life. And so I was just like 2019, I had been doing comedy for like a year and a half, almost two years. I was working a sales job where I was like on the phone, cold calling, but I, I know, but I loved the sales job because it felt like it felt like I love community. And so it felt like a community,

a community of people hanging up as soon as they hear what you're calling about. Yeah. This fratty guy at the job was like, hey, do you want to go out? And I was in my year of saying yes. I was like, just go out. What's wrong with going out? So he was like, okay, let's tomorrow after work

go get a drink. And I was like, perfect. So I was waiting in the lobby for him. He comes down the elevator, literally halfway through a beer, already had a couple beers like at the office, and he's drunk, he chugs the beer and he throws it out and he goes, let's go. We go to the bar next to the office where everybody's at. And instead of talking to me, he's telling everybody that he's on a date with me. No!

Oh! I mean, terrible, but at the same time, I don't know if this is just my brand of narcissism, it does sort of position you as a prize that he won, which had to feel a little good, you know? Like you were the big teddy bear at the fair. It was the first time I've been considered hot was 2019. It's like when I started to get more attractive.

Literally same, Lilly. That is my journey as well. I was not hot. People were like, in high school I did nothing. College, nothing. 2019, things change. And so then we're at this bar and he's like, let's do shots.

Like we're doing like, it's like the whole company's there. And I'm like, OK. I love it. First date with an audience. It's amazing. You were you were doing immersive theater. You were doing sleep film or for your coworkers. And I was so embarrassed and I hated this guy. So then obviously I was like, okay, you can come over. No!

The year of yes, baby! The year of yes. I was just like, who cares? I love comedy. This sales job is nothing. Who cares if I fuck a coworker? I literally didn't care about it. Also, you have the comedy brain worm

that whispers into your ear, do it for the bed. There's gonna be a story. There's gonna be, this is at least three minutes at the next open. You know? And it was my next three minutes at the next open. Yes.

We all have the same disease. Okay. I know. So you go back with this man. So we're in the Uber back to my apartment in Bushwick and he is on, like we're pretty drunk at this point. He's on his phone and he goes, I just ordered food for myself.

And I go, okay. He ordered halal food for himself, didn't offer to get me some. Also I'm a vegetarian at this time, so I'm not eating meat. So I was like grossed out with the idea of like even meat in my apartment. Yeah. But I was like- Meat in his mouth and then little tiny meat particles in your mouth and other places, I'm sure.

Yeah. And halal spices. Halal spices aren't really the gateway to a hookup. No, they're a gateway to time in the bathroom for 24 hours. But literally, so we get to my place, the halal gets there at the same time. And so I was like, okay, let's put something on the TV. He's just fully like eating the halal. I go to the bathroom, I come out, he's eating the whole all watching TV.

It's like I like entered a 10 year marriage all of a sudden. Literally, like he had a threesome with two nurses. You had a threesome with a finance bro and a whole law play. Yes, literally. And he eats all of it. Disgusting. He goes to the bathroom, he comes out without a shirt on. And I was like, okay, presumptuous. But then my guy friends told me

that he probably took a shit. Cause like, apparently guys do that. They take their shirts off when they take a shit. What? Have you guys heard this? Pete. Yeah. I'm gonna do a first one on this one. I do, but like, I would say that that's conditional.

Like, if I'm going to the bathroom in my own apartment, I'm gonna take my shirt off. But if I'm, like I was volunteering today at a food pantry, I do that because I'm better than you. And like I had to poop at the food pantry, which washed my hands, wore gloves. I just wanna let you know that. But I didn't take my shirt off during that shit, you know?

I'm so sorry, I have never heard of this before in my entire life. I didn't either. I don't know why this would be specific to the straight male community and not the gay one, because we love taking our shirts off. That's like a huge part of it. And like, you'd think we would search for any excuse to continue to do it. But I've never taken off my shirt to poop, poop before.

But I will say, Lily, it is a common thread on this podcast that on first date, second dates, men love to shit in front of their dates or not in front of, but like in the vicinity of their dates. Like, well, they're marking their territory. Yeah, yeah. That's so old. So that's true. I think about the fact that his body allows him to do that.

I've never shit-notted my house, and I'm like, how on earth are these people so brave and bold? I mean, I guess I'm just amazed at the audacity of men's bowels. Yeah. I know. Oh man, that's another good title of that at the audacity of men's bowels. Yeah. I know. Oh, man, that's another good title of ep, the audacity of men's bowels. So he comes out, he's not no shirt on at this point.

You think because of sex, but maybe because of comfortability while he shit. While he took a shit. Good body? Was it a good body, no shirt? No. No. No? I couldn't stress this enough. I was not attracted to this man. While you took a good body, was it a good body? No, no, no.

I couldn't stress this enough. I was not attracted to this man. I was not. I was just lonely, sad. Yeah. And Europe. Yes. You know, and I think there needs to be some guardrails put up the next time you decide to do a year of. Yes. There should be a giant asteriskks nest next to the yes on that.

Yes to everything except when it comes to men, you know what I mean? Like two experiences. But so he comes out shirt off immediately tries to like make out with me and it tasted like halal. Like he didn't even take the opportunity to do a little whores brush of the teeth with a toothpaste on the finger in your bathroom. Come on. That's courtesy courtesy. I know. It was crazy. So obviously I'm absolutely disgusted at this point. So I invite him into my bedroom. And I'm really upset about it, okay? I'm embarrassed. I'm embarrassed that this happened.

But my year of yes, I said, it can't get worse, right? And so we go to my bedroom and obviously we get naked. I've never, and like, there's great, dicks come in all different sizes, right? Dicks can be awesome. Famously, yeah. There is such thing as a dick that is too big

that it's like comical. Oh, no. One hundo-pee, one hundo-pee. I'm not even kidding. It was, it was, it was. No, I'm sorry, but if your dick looks like it was dug up from underneath the ground, like a root vegetable, like a yam, I don't need to see that.

It was a yam. It was a yam. Not a yam. My eye is twitching from this. I think this guy had such a big dick that he feels no pressure on dates. Like, you know, yeah, yeah, it was crazy. I think this guy had such a big dick that he feels no pressure on dates. I know. Yeah. Yeah. It was crazy. And so, you know, I literally was like, I don't know why, like my brain was broken and I was like, okay, it's huge.

We're going to try. I was so dry. Like I, my pussy was not, not a drop. Like I was so dry. I, we couldn't make it work. Like it would, it would have broken my pussy. He was like, okay, fine. You can just suck it.

And it's something about me. I have TMJ and I'm not going to suck it. Okay? Especially when it's that big. So I was like, no, no, no. He slept over. Wait, what is TMJ? Too much joie de vivre? Yeah, exactly.

I don't, I. I. He sleeps in my bed, he passes out. And I go, whatever, it's fine. We wake up the next morning and again he tried, he was like, well, will you suck my dick now? And I was like, now? Okay, now you've crossed the line, you get up.

Yeah. Wow. He really thought that like sucking his dick was like converting to Judaism, and he just needed to be denied three times before you would actually agree to it. This final story of the episode coming to us from Rachel Scanlon. Now, Rachel, I did just meet your beautiful wife last week. I hope you're still together. It has only been a week since I met her.

It's been a week. But I will tell you, I have known gay people in the past who a week sometimes is all it takes. And I've been humiliated on this podcast many times before, a week after meeting someone's spouse. So I have to ask, you are still together. We are still together, yes. We just got married in November, so we're newlyweds.

Oh wow. Oh congratulations. And how long have you guys been together in total? Almost seven years. Beautiful, beautiful. And we sort of got this from your memoir title as well, but like, you were not a U-Haul lesbian, necessarily. I was not, I was not.

I think I definitely, I had more of a turbulent dating in my 20s, or like a lot more kind of going on in my 20s. I think if my 20 year old self looked into the future and saw me married, I think I would be surprised that that had happened at all. I wasn't like on the trajectory to be somebody's husband, but here I am, you know what I mean?

One of those classic like slut turns into husband storylines as we see over and over again. And sometimes like in my case, I'm about to be a husband but will continue to be a slut. So- That's so beautiful. So where in your timeline does this story take place? This would be in the middle of the trilogy. So this would be right in the middle one.

Too many lesbians. Yeah, because I definitely was in a reality where I, in Minnesota, was like, I am the only queer person that exists in the world. And I was exposed to the L word. I would be like renting the L word from Blockbuster and kind of sandwiching it between Shrek one and two to kind of like conceal it. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah.

And I was watching and every lesbian that I saw on the L word lived in Los Angeles and I moved here and I was like, I can't wait to find an actual, like where queer people are. And this date. That is so funny that I'm so glad they set that show in Los Angeles and inspired lesbians to move to Los Angeles because our version of the show Queer as Folk took place

in Pittsburgh. Okay. And the way they made Pittsburgh seem like a hub of gay male activity, I got to tell you after visiting there, it is not the case. And also a lot of like lesbians will be like, there's like this lore that like, oh well straight girls don't really do anything. You have to do everything in the sack is like the lore.

And so I had this streak in time where I was like- Well from Lilly's story, unfortunately Lilly's story did sort of confirm this. That straight girls really, they won't suck your dick. They won't let you inside. They will let you shit in their bathroom, but that's about it. You know?

Oh my God. Big lay down community, I would say, yeah. Well, and I just like, I've heard this, you know, this is kind of like a trope within the lesbian community. Like there's a toxic butch who only dates straight femmes and is like the top and does everything. And I had like almost the direct opposite experience.

I didn't feel like I was chasing straight women. I felt very much like straight women were like turning and burning me. I felt like I was being targeted. And this happens a lot too. This happens a lot too. I've seen this happen. It does happen.

I feel like it does happen. And I'm like, I felt very like, yeah, I was not, I was like straight women were slaying me. Anyways, this brings me to the date. This was at this time in my life where I was trying to explore more dating, more frequent dating. And I was, I went out with this like woman from Bumble.

Okay. And when we went on the date- Wait, sort of a hard situation with two women on Bumble, because two women on Bumble isn't the whole isn't. Yeah. Is it the whole point of Bumble that the women have to. So is it like in your situation was it like the lipstick had to initiate or what? I guess I just don't understand the functionality of Bumble for Whoever has the mullet has to message first. Exactly. Yeah.

It was definitely like a mute point to be on Bumble when you're two women. But we ended up going to an arcade bar, which I already thought was the straightest place I can imagine. I felt like it was kind of bro-y, but I was there. And when I was on this date- She took you to Dave and Buster's.

She took me to Dave and Buster's. She took me to Dave and Buster's. Oh my God. We realized quickly on this date, or I realized quickly on this date, I was having an interesting experience where, for maybe the first time, somebody was more interested in me than I was in them, which has never happened before.

I'm so into every woman and I'm always kind of like, but this was interesting where she, and she let it, she really showed her cards immediately to me where she was like, I've never been on a date with a woman. I have always wanted to do this. I have always wanted to do this. So I started to feel like just like a painting of a person.

I was not like an actual, it wasn't me she was seeing. She was seeing her queer future. She was ticking a box. Yes, 100%. I started to feel like she was Jane Goodall taking notes to take back to the straight community about what it's like on this side of like the queer spectrum. Like very interviewee.

I was like, are you wearing a wire? It was very like, it was just like, she felt so, it was very like, yeah, almost like we were at the zoo, you know, and she was really like, what else, you know, and it wasn't like bad enough for me to be like, I'm offended, I'm going to leave. I also had less, like, I was, I was going to say less people pleasing tendencies, but they're the exact, I still have the exact same amount as I do now. So who's to say? Going off, I meant to say this during Lily's. I'm so bad at not hooking up with someone

I'm not attracted to that I once went over to a guy's place. He did not look like his pictures. And I didn't have the courage to say I'm leaving. So instead I said, do you like role play? And he said, yeah. And he was like, what's the scenario? And I was like. So instead I said, do you like role play? And he said, yeah. And I was like, he was like, what's the scenario? And I was like, what if I was like not into you and sort of being forced to be here.

And like the whole time I'm like not into it, but you're paying me to be here. So I'm like going through with it anyways or something like that. And he was like, yeah, down. And I was like, and we did it that way. And so, you know, creative advice. Did it work?

It worked in that, like, I didn't have to act like I was enjoying having sex with him. Yes, yeah. It allowed me to stay soft and be dissatisfied. And be honest. Openly. Yeah. I've had this fan, I've had this genuine fantasy with my actual wife where I'm like, I wanna pretend like, I'm like not that into it. She's like, great, we'll try. The my actual wife where I'm like, I want to pretend like

I'm like not that into it. She's like, great, we'll try. The second we tried, I'm like, I fucking love this actually, sorry. I'm actually having the best time I've ever had with you. So you're a people pleaser, you're on this date with Jane Goodall. Jane Goodall, she is,

and revealing her cards very quickly to me, right? So she still lives with her ex-boyfriend. They broke up like two weeks ago. And they're best friends. She's like, he's my best friend and I know it's weird, but like he did drop me off on a date. I'm like, okay. And I'm, you know, fresh, I've never done any of this before

and she was so like excited to be on a date with a lesbian. And I was, like, finding the nuance in bisexuality, and I'm like, let's fucking rock, whatever. She seems super interested. And the date was, like, mostly fine, only weird because she kept bringing up this guy, like, every other sentence was like, I would order a beer, and she'd be like, oh my God, my ex, Jared, he loves that beer. That's so crazy.

Do lesbians love beer? Oh, no. Honestly, it's sounding more and more like a make-a-wish situation. Like she, like, this was her dying wish, was to go out with a lesbian. So she's really getting in every question she possibly can. Well, and at this point, I was like,

I have the entire lesbian community on my shoulders right now. I have to be the perfect lesbian for you, because this is now your full story. Yeah, because if not, she leaves the date and joins the Westboro Baptist Church immediately afterwards. She's getting baptized later. She's right back into being saved, I'm sure.

And it was a lot. It was also interesting watching somebody like, yeah, I mean, she's obsessed with this guy, but she's obsessed with me. And we end, you know, it starts to go to the next phase, the date where we would either go back to one of our houses, and she ends up kissing me, which I wasn't sure if we were going to, to the next phase, the date where we would either go back to one of our houses and I, she ends up kissing me, which I wasn't sure if we were going to because I wasn't like,

I was still feeling out if you weren't sure if that was in the terms of the make a wish contract that you have signed in order for you to feel okay. And while we were kissing and so I, I, as I'd never kissed anyone but women my whole life, I've always had like very, like romantic, tender, good kisses. I don't have like the, ooh, it was like, I've never really had bad make-outs with women. This woman toothed me, like a lot. Toothed, tooth on, bone on bone, y'all.

I don't think I've ever had that one. Yeah, and I'd never had that before. And at first, like, have you ever been really excited to kiss somebody and maybe one time accidentally, your two teeth clank, okay? Of course, we've all done that. We've all been excited, okay? So I'm thinking like, oh, oops, like, oh my God, whoops.

We pulled back for a second to be like, hope nobody has to go to the dentist later. And then as we came back in, it kept happening multiple times where our teeth are hitting each other. And I was like... Maybe she read this in some lesbian erotica and thought you liked it. I don't know if she was like, this is the mating call in the lesbian community.

You have to like knock your DNA together. I mean, it was really, it was like jarring to have bone on bone. But I think as I look back, I'm like, I think she was so excited that she was like, almost eating me, like almost devouring me because I think she had this thing in her, once again, different than other lesbians where I'm like,

she was so excited to kiss a woman. So I end the date, okay? I'm like, let's, we'll see you some other time. We part ways. The next day, I go to a pizza place with my friends and I'm recounting them at how weird this date was with this woman who felt like she was a journalist trying to get a story about how lesbians drink beer

and how like the kiss was so intense and clanky and that's never really been something that happened and how weird it was. And then the pizza gets delivered to the table. The server was her ex-boyfriend. Shut up. Oh my God. That is some, that is some,

we live in a simulation bullshit right there. Because what are the odds of that happening? Crazy. And- And did he hear you talking about it? So I have to live in a world where he didn't so that I can sleep at night. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Obviously.

But how did you know it was her ex? This is a great question. Thank you for asking. Cause I have never met this or seen this man before. I know because when he dropped the pizza at the table, he looked at me and he's like, you went on a date with my ex last night. She showed me your Instagram, okay?

Meaning after this date, she went right back home to her ex and just showed him my entire, so many pictures of me that he recognized me from dropping a table, a pizza on my table. And you guys are gonna believe this, he was like, she told me you guys hooked up and it was awesome. So she lied to him about what we did.

Wait, to her is kissing, hooking up? Like was she like, oh my God. Yeah, that's a tough one. Look at her teeth, you should see how they feel. It's so good. You guys, because also I don't talk to men very often. So to have this man speaking right at me was insane. And that he knew that I was with his ex the night before.

I mean, it was all around like so nuts. Did you ever confront her about this? The lies? I did not. I didn't confront her because I felt like she needed it. Did you ever confront her about this? The lies? I did not. Okay. I didn't confront her because I felt like she needed it. Do you know what I mean? Like it would not even worth it for me to,

cause for what? Like it doesn't save me anything to correct. I'm honestly not sure who out of the three of you has the better this American life story out of this. Like the boyfriend, the journalist or you, honestly it could be anybody. So Rachel, what was the lesson? What was the big takeaway you took from this experience has followed you into marriage, quite frankly.

Rachel Svazic Fuck, I think that my takeaway is to not, you can't speak too loudly about bad dates in public. You have to only do it on podcasts. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. Absolutely. That is exactly the lesson I was hoping to get from you. Bad dates. You guys, this has been a supersized episode of the podcast, and I am so pleased about it because this was so funny from top to bottom.

You guys were all incredible. Let's end it out really quickly just with your credits. Pete Lee, where can people find you? What are you doing these days? People can find me on Instagram or TikTok at PeteLeePeteLeePeteLee. If they want to go to my tour dates, they're on PeteLee.net.

And I'm also going to be on the Bad Dates podcast. Perfect. Lily Michelle, where can people find you? What are you doing these days? You can find me on all social media at LilsMichelle, L-I-L-S Michelle. And I'm currently opening for people, but if you follow me on Instagram, eventually I'll do my own stuff. Brilliant. Lovely. And you were also on the Bad Dates podcast as well. And I'm also on the Bad Dates podcast. And finally, Rachel Scanlon, where can the people find you? What are you doing these

days? I'm on the Bad Dates podcast first and foremost. I'm at Rachel Scanlon Comedy. I have a podcast weekly called Two Dykes and a Mic. My podcast is on tour in the spring, and I'm also going to be touring around. I got shows in California, Colorado, Wisconsin, and Texas all throughout the summer and moving to the fall.

So you can get tickets at rachelscanloncomedy.com. And I may or may not have been a guest on your live podcast before. And I got to say, it's an absolute delight. Everyone check it out. You don't even have to start with my episode. So that was the episode, everybody. I hope you had as much fun as I fucking did this week. If you had fun, please rate and review us on Apple

podcasts or wherever you're listening to this podcast. It really helps people find the joy that you just experienced. I will see you next week with another episode of Bad Dates. Thank you so much for listening. Goodbye. Bad Dates is a production of Smartless Media created by Robert Cohen. Executive producers are Robert Cohen and Stuart Bailey. Produced, edited, and engineered by Devin Torrey-Brien. Produced by Anne Harris. Edited by Kyle McGrath. Associate producer is Maddie McCann.

Social media producer is Tommy Galgana. Executive producers are Sean Hayes, Will Arnett, and Jason Baitman. Executive producers for Smartless Media are Richard Corson and Bernie Kaminsky. Music by Cushi and Evan Schledder. If you've had a bad date or would like our advice on any dating issues, please tell us about it at baddatespod at gmail.com or call us at 984-265-3283. That's 984-265-3283. That's all for this week. We will be back for more Bad Dates.