Bad Dates with Jameela Jamil - The Second Hole (w/ Casey Wilson, Sapphira Cristál, and Murray Hill)
Episode Date: November 25, 2024On a new episode of Bad Dates, host Joel Kim Booster welcomes comedians Casey Wilson and Murray Hill and performer/composer Sapphira Cristál to discuss their most iconic dating fiascos. Casey’s mag...ic man goes up in smoke after a nightcap solution, Sapphira conducts a guided tour of Pound Town in the name of revenge, and Murray provides a trilogy of tragic tales with a twist ending. If you’ve had a bad date you’d like to tell us about, our number is 984-265-3283, and our email is baddatespod@gmail.com, we can’t wait to hear all about it! Subscribe to our YouTube Channel for video clips. Merch available at SiriusXMStore.com/BadDates.Tickets for our live show 1/25/25 at SF Sketchfest HERE: https://sched.co/1rbPt Joel Kim Booster: Psychosexual, Fire Island, Loot Season 2Casey Wilson: @caseyrosewilson on Insta, Bitch Sesh podcast on Garbage World or wherever you get your podcastsSapphira Cristál: @sapphiracristal on social media, new single “Keep It Cute (feat Ocean Kelly),” new album coming in 2025Murray Hill: @murrayhill on Insta, Somebody Somewhere on Max Subscribe to SiriusXM Podcasts+ on Apple Podcasts to listen to ad-free new episodes.
Transcript
Discussion (0)
Smart.
Less.
Neon.
When people are like, what are you into? I list all of the laundry list of things I'm into.
And then at the end I say, and some kinky stuff too,
with discussion. And then like, if they're even a little interested,
they'll be like, OK, but what do you mean? And then we can have that conversation.
But if they don't address it at all, then I'm like, okay, but what do you mean? And then we can have that conversation. But if they don't address it at all,
then I'm like, okay, we are face to face,
dick to dick, missionary, impossible biologically,
but that somehow will make it work.
You know?
I don't get anything that's happening here today.
I don't.
That's. Hello, hello, hello.
This is another episode of the Bad Dates Podcast.
I am your host, Joel Kim Booster.
And here at Bad Dates, I mean, it's right there in the name y'all. It's a podcast about bad
dates, hookups, relationships, situationships. It all falls under the banner. Okay. We've all
been in the trenches and yet listen, the name, we wanted to keep it simple. We didn't want to go
crazy with the name. We wanted to make it obvious what this is about. And so I hope you don't, or you aren't upset with me about the name.
Anyways, as always, I'm going to open up with a little bit of listener mail.
This one is from Robert.
Hi Joel.
I recently came out of the closet and I have found two hookups so far.
In the first one we were making out and then the guy led me to what I thought was going to be his bedroom. Instead it was his bathroom. He got in the
empty tub fully clothed and asked me to pee on him. I did, but I had recently peed so
a little bit trickled out and it was very much not my kink. On the second hookup, with
a different guy, everything was going great, I'm eating his ass and loving it, and then
he asked me to start calling him racial slurs.
Three problems here.
We are both white, my mouth is busy, and racial slurs.
I ignore it and then he says, come on, call me some dirty names.
I am really uncomfortable and not sure where this name came from, but I called him a hobo.
You can imagine how that killed the vibe. How long do
I have to wait before I get to have kink-free sex? Okay, so here's the thing. One of two things is
happening to you, Robert. Either you're very young, you're Gen Z, and you've unfortunately been
exposed to people of your generation who have been infected by porn brain. And porn brain has made
sex really fucking weird for a lot of young people right now
because they have been exposed to sex for so long that now it needs to be weird in order for it to
be fun. The other option is is that you are on the apps and you are not communicating accurately
enough or they are not communicating accurately enough what the game plan is.
It's so important if you're meeting up on Grindr or etc.
You gotta say, what are you into? What are you looking for?
Here's the laundry list of things that I like and here's the list of things I won't do.
Okay? Set that up from the beginning.
And yes, it feels like you shouldn't have to say,
I won't call you a racial slur as a white person
But maybe add it into the saved phrases, you know, just add it into the laundry list
I wouldn't I'm unfortunately gonna say that like, you know
You're either really young and porn brain is in is the problem or you're really old and all of these guys have had so much
Sex that now they need sex to be super weird in order to get
off and either either way, it's a sad story. I will say there are plenty of normal guys.
I will say out there who are who just want to have vanilla missionary sex and you will
be able to find them. But before I go too deep into your problem, I want to get my panel
involved in this because I can see their faces. I can see they have some opinions. And so let's just get into it.
This first guest, I am so honored
that she would be joining me on my podcast
as I have joined her on her podcast so many times.
She was on SNL, Happy Endings, Black Monday.
Her current podcast, Garbage Sesh slash Bitch Sesh
is a weekly podcast, multiple episodes a week if you're if
you're a subscriber and it is well worth the money please give it up for my friend Casey Wilson.
Hi Joel. Hi. Oh my god. I'm so excited to be here and in such glorious company. Thank you so much
for being here. Next up we have literal royalty in the room with us in the zoom with us today
from RuPaul's Drag Race. They have a new single out called Keep It Cute featuring Ocean Kelly,
which is huge, fucking huge. Please give it up for Sefirah Kristal.
Hey, hey, hey, I'm so excited to be here. It's so nice to see you again outside of a
competition setting. Although, yes, you know, though I will say seeing you in that competition setting,
you were very, very beautiful.
So, well, you know,
we'll talk about the filter that they put over me
in which I catfished America
by making myself seem way more hot than I actually am.
But we'll talk about that later.
Last and certainly, certainly, certainly not least,
this legend, I cannot believe we have them about that later. Last and certainly, certainly, certainly not least, this legend.
I cannot believe we have them on the podcast.
They are a performance artist, a comedian, an actor, a writer.
They have done so many things in and around New York, Brooklyn,
all over the place.
You can see them on television, on Life and Beth and the final season
of Somebody Somewhere streaming on Max.
Please give it up for Murray Hill, everybody!
Showbiz.
Showbiz.
And when you say legend, you mean old,
but I do appreciate that, Joel.
No, no, no.
Murray, you are a solid 29 in my eyes, okay?
When I saw you performing in Brooklyn
when I was in my early 20s? I assumed you were seven, okay?
So don't give me that attitude right now.
Guys, very quickly, before we move on to your stories,
what do you think about this kinky sex situation?
Two, like, this is the thing.
Kinky sex, I'm not here to yuck anybody's yums,
but you gotta set it up.
You gotta present it.
You gotta ask, I mean, it is a part of the it falls under the consent umbrella, I believe.
What do we think here?
Certainly these two dates fall under the consent umbrella.
There's so many emojis internationally that you have to learn what they actually mean,
what sex act they're referring to.
And I'm like, why?
Like, why do I have to know what the diamond ring means in Spain?
You know, because it means something very different in Spain, let me tell you, than it does in other countries.
You have to do your homework if you travel.
And I just learned, I just finished learning the whole hanky code and now we've got emoji code and I'm just like, girl.
There's too much extended education as queer people we have to go through.
I think I'm just realizing, is this a gay show?
Because I'm the only straight guy on the call right now.
No.
Can I ask you a question, Joel?
We're all cishets here.
All right.
I know we get vulnerable on this show.
Can I ask you a question?
I'm not too versed in gay culture,
gay male culture, but so is pissing on another person,
is that something that happens as a choice?
Very, oh yeah, yeah.
Because I accidentally wet my pants when I'm having sex
and it's not a choice, it just happens.
Involuntary. Yeah.
Yeah, involuntary, thank you.
An accidental kink.
You stumbled upon a kink
as though you tripped over a wire, almost.
Um.
Bad dates.
Bad dates.
Casey Wilson, we're gonna start with you today.
I'm so excited to hear this dating
story because I know you Casey, and I know you have some trauma. I know you were in the
trenches for a while before you landed with your amazing, incredible husband, David, who
I love and adore. But give us some context. What was your style before you met David, you're now husband?
Was it, were you a serial monogamist?
Were you a whore?
Were you a prude?
A whore, and I always had sex on the first date.
Like I was never the one that was like,
make him wait.
Like, it's just like,
and I'm not saying this like build myself up or anything,
but like I always at least got a couple more dates out of it,
you know, and I don't know,
I'm just kind of like life is for the living kind of that's my type I am.
I am of the firm belief that that is such an hugely important part of compatibility that like
there, like sure like wait till date three, I guess maybe if you have comfort issues and like
really need to know the person. But for me, I'm like, do it as soon as you feel comfortable doing it. Because if that
part isn't clicking, then baby, you got problems. Because let's look at love is blind. Let's look at
love is blind. I'm sorry, fundamentally, every couple on love is blind that does not work. It's
because they do not want, they are not attracted to each other.
That's it.
You can be intellectually attracted to someone
till the cows come home.
But if you do not want to fuck those cows
when they get there, then you are doomed.
Okay?
That's so true.
You know, I have so many bad dates, Joel.
I'll just, I'll just launch into,
honestly just one that comes to mind.
You know, there's just so many.
So one is in college and it's more, it's sad on my part in a way.
Okay.
So I'm doing a short film already said, and I meet a male magician named Leslie.
Oh boy.
Okay.
Male magician named Leslie.
Talk about a hat on a hat on a hat situation. Boy. Okay. Yeah. Male magician named Leslie.
Talk about a hat on a hat on a hat situation.
Yes.
But I was like this, yes.
I was like telling my friends, I'm like,
you don't understand like how hot this guy is.
And then they would see him and they're like, so sorry.
Like we're not trying to,
it's just you're going on and on about how hot he is.
You know, and it's just, it's just simply, you know,
maybe objectively not the case,
but fine.
So I liked him so much, mainly because,
and I know he's been canceled since, okay?
So just remember this is like 2004.
Okay. Okay.
Leslie's like, I share a terrace with Woody Allen.
My parents obviously still lived with his parents
where he practiced magic by night and short films by day.
And I thought like, wow, I'm from Virginia.
I didn't know one famous person.
I was just like, this is Manhattan, you know, at the time.
Now I know that's wrong now.
Yeah, a closeup magician who lives next door
to Woody Allen.
Red flag.
That is, I mean.
I'm sorry, you don't find it every day.
Yeah.
And that's not coming along, but once in a lifetime.
So immediately, and not even to make like an obvious joke, because this is just the truth,
he tried to pull several disappearing acts on me.
And I would not let him.
I was barraging him with texts, emails,
and this is someone in person, we would just sit in silence.
We had nothing between us going on, nothing.
No magic. You would say there was no magic.
Literally nothing. Okay, nothing.
And still I would go home like clutching my pillow,
like, Leslie, I love you.
And I know this isn't great.
So I sent so many texts and then he would not,
he would respond like three weeks later.
And every day between those three weeks was agony for me.
Yeah.
Friends, I'm like, another day, nothing.
Well, can we talk about this really quickly?
Please.
In the beginning stages, if you like someone,
you are texting them back, period, no contest, I'm sorry.
Unless they're at work, they're the kind of person
who like puts their phone away at work,
that's a different story.
But ultimately, if they want to talk to you
and communicate with you, that's what they're doing, okay?
There's no such thing as someone being a quote unquote
bad texture in the beginning.
It doesn't exist, I'm sorry.
You know what my therapist has told me
and I've spent hundreds and thousands of dollars on therapy?
She has told me, no response is the response.
Exactly, say that and say it louder
for the people in the back. No response is the response. Exactly. Say that and say it louder for the people in the back.
No response is the response.
That is so true.
It's true. But you know, you don't ever want to accept that.
You know, oh, they're busy at work or they're watching TV.
It's families in town. Yeah.
But I think it's very important to what Joe was saying,
is like, especially at the beginning, with the with that new relationship
energy, when you're really like trying to get to know someone, then you're going to text them back no
matter what. You could be in the bathroom and your phone is in the thing and you will run into that
phone and see what they said so you can message that person specifically. And listen, there are
bad textures. But the thing is like my partner is a bad texter now. Now. But when we when we first started dating, I was getting the responses.
Because I'm a bad text.
Yeah. But when you like someone at the beginning, they're going to get your texting back.
Yeah. Yeah. And that's all, you know, is making me feel sadder about that time.
We're telling you, you should have known better.
I know there's nothing more humiliating than seeing
going to the text and seeing the sea of blue,
just the ocean of blue on your side.
And not one little white response on the other,
on the left side of that screen.
Guys, I'll just tell you the saddest part,
because believe it or not, that was just setting the table
for what happened.
We thought that was it.
It gets worse.
No, no context for all three of you.
Okay, so we got to the place where we would maybe, we only went, I saw this person four
times, but for the last two dates, we got to the place where on the Friday we would
have had a plan for Sunday, but I would not hear from him.
So what I did is so sad, and I know you're thinking this poor girl, like she has no confidence.
I actually had too much confidence.
So it was a very weird, I have a confidence dysmorphia.
So I decided I was so emotionally invested in this person
that I decided it's actually too painful for me
to sit with myself here and not,
and see he's not texting back.
So I came up with a, I think, cutting edge strategy
that would worry so many people.
Which is, if you're rolling around about four o'clock,
I would take NyQuil to just literally put myself down
like a dog for the night.
I know, you guys are worrying about me, I'm okay.
You know, I'm okay.
Is this 4 p.m.?
Pardon?
4 p.m.?
That's right, thank you, Murray, 4 p.m.
And then just to simply put my phone away
and not put myself through, is he texting?
And more so, not me texting 10 times.
It was really about me.
It was just like, I can't be trusted.
And I know again, your faces are telling me
what a problem this is.
As my therapist was like, this is insane.
And I stopped, it was two nights,
but I just felt like,
you know when you like someone so much,
you're just like, every minute is an eternity.
And so really in a way, I think he did me a favor
when he finally got his act right and disappeared fully.
And that was the finale.
So I thought it was your date as a learning.
Did he break up with you officially or did he ghost?
Oh, I think, you know, it was the latter, Joel.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
But you know, I have seen him on the streets,
and this is the capper.
Leslie has told several people, I'm no big star,
I'm not sitting here pretending, I'm, you know, whatever,
but like, you know, I've been in, played the friend
of a friend on several TV shows,
and the amount of people that will come up to me
and they'll go, you dated Leslie.
And I'm like, Leslie's trying to tell people
around this town.
And I'm here to tell you, Leslie.
I had to drug myself to hear back from you.
Can I tell you, Casey, okay, two things.
Confidence dysmorphia is the best spin of delusion
I've ever heard.
In fact, if I do not-
And I've taken that as a compliment.
If I do not hear a drag queen on Drag Race
referring to confidence dysmorphia in the coming seasons,
I'll be so upset,
because that show is rife with confidence dysmorphia,
I will say.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. But the second thing is,
was this pulled, this real-life story pulled and made into a storyline on
Happy Ending?
Yes, it was.
Okay, because Casey, I will tell you as a huge Happy Endings fan in my 20s, I learned
this trick from you.
I learned it from watching you.
I would take two klonopin and put myself to bed
at 2 p.m. on a Saturday so that I would wake up
and put myself to bed so that I would keep myself
from texting all day long.
Yes, save myself from myself.
And I learned that, it is so crazy
that this is a story you decided to tell
and it's come full circle because I learned
from watching you.
Thank you.
Wow.
Bad Dates
Bad Dates
Sapphira Kristal.
Just one of the best drag queens that we've seen in recent memory on television.
The Slayage is out of control.
And I've heard you talk a little bit about
your love life on other podcasts.
You know, we flirt a little bit backstage.
And so I'm interested to hear about like
what the context of your love life is currently.
Are you in a relationship?
Are you looking?
Are you a serial monogamist?
Are you a dater? Are you looking? Are you a serial monogamist? Are you a dater?
What's your deal?
I am a pansexual polyamorous non-binary being.
And-
Oh, wow.
What the hell is that?
Yeah, I'm all of those things.
Which means-
Yeah, Murray thought they were just on a gay podcast
and now it's like, you added a whole new layer.
I am nuts gay.
I amuts gay.
What does that even mean?
Does that mean you like pissing and shitting?
No.
No, no, no, no, no.
I'm doing a callback, I'm sorry.
So where are we at in your story?
I started thinking about what stories am I gonna tell?
I don't have any bad dates.
Every single one is a...
Then I thought about like, how can I tell you a story about some time when,
maybe it was bad for somebody else.
It wasn't bad for me.
You're, so one where you're the villain of the piece.
Yes, finally.
Miss Congeniality is the villain, honey.
I had a roommate who was extremely, extremely homo.
I don't know if she was homophobic.
That's a word, right?
Murray, you're the...
Yeah, if we can look at today's campaign strategy,
I think that's a word.
Yeah, it's okay.
So I don't think she was necessarily homophobic,
but me and my roommate,
I had a roommate who was actually my actual in the room,
we were staying in the same room roommate.
And he and I, both gay best friends,
stayed in the same bed
because we just didn't have another bed in that place.
And eventually,
we got our own beds and like separated. But our roommate was like, I think they're a couple.
I'm pretty sure they're a couple. And when in fact, it was much more of a Charlie and
the Chocolate Factory grandparent situation. Very bad, very bad, honey. We just couldn't
afford another bed, honey. It was just poverty.
We're not a couple, we're just broke.
We're starting to get all our stuff together
and at some point we told her,
do not tell Miss Lewis that we're gay.
Like, Miss Lewis doesn't know we're gay.
Her rule in her house is that she did not want
homosexuals living together in her house.
Now this is illegal. However,
she, we didn't care about, we were just trying to live. Housing is difficult to come by and you do
what you need to do. You say what you gotta say. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Funny thing is I wake up
one day and Ms. Lewis comes to my room. This is the day that we're about to move or two days before
we're about to move into the new apartment. And she sits at the foot of my bed and she goes,
so I've learned today that you're homosexual.
And so is Mark.
And we were like, and Mark wasn't there.
And so I was just like, yes.
And Ms. Lewis loves me, by the way.
She is a big fan of me.
It's Sherry Lewis of Lambchop.
Yes, it is definitely Sherry Lewis.
And she's a big fan of me and she's just so sweet.
And she goes, well, that doesn't matter
because you're moving into your own apartment tomorrow.
So I don't care anymore.
Like it's not my house.
I don't care.
And that was the first straw that started this whole like,
meow meow is gonna be a problem kind of thing.
So then at some-
She's a narc.
Not only is she a narc, but she narcs that we're a couple
and she has a problem with this homosexual couple
for some reason.
And I wasn't sure where we were going with this,
but it gets better.
You think that someone named meow meow
would be both less homophobic and more trustworthy, but...
100%.
I...
You can't.
She was just...
She was a pianist from Beijing.
I don't know.
Like, I just expected...
I expected more from her, but...
So, I...
One day, I'm singing in...
We have all these different fights with Meow Meow.
She doesn't want to wash her clothes in the same
washer with us because she doesn't want us she doesn't want
to get HIV. She said I don't want to get because Oh, oh, oh
yeah. Oh, yeah. She goes I am I said well, number one, we don't
have HIV. Number two, and we are tested because you know, we're
active people. And, and, and I said, and we are tested because we're active people.
And I said, and that's not how you spread it.
She goes, well, you're not an expert.
So how do you know?
And I said, well, as a homosexual man,
we're pretty much as close as experts get, honey.
Yeah.
And she just was like, it was not,
it just kept going.
What did she want you to do?
Call Dr. Drew and get him on the line and explain it to him? To her? Like, it just kept going. It kept going. What did she want you to do? Call Dr. Drew and get him on the line
and explain it to him?
Like to her?
Like it's crazy.
So at some point, Meow Meow has expressed all this horrible,
these horrible thoughts about homosexual sex.
And I love it so much at this time.
And so I meet this guy online, he is Ty,
and he's so cute.
And I was like, this is gonna be so good.
He's so small.
And I asked him, I said, hey, where do you into,
as one should do, before you get into the bed?
And he's like, oh, I just really love getting pounded.
And I said, well, guess what?
Welcome to pound town.
I'm the mayor.
And so I'll show you around.
And I say, so are you loud?
I have roommates.
And he said, oh no, I'm not loud at all.
Don't worry, I'm not loud at all.
And I said, okay, cool, awesome.
He goes, yeah, I'm very quiet.
And that's up to people who-
I don't think he was prepared for the pounding
he was about to get though, that's the problem.
That's the problem.
So we get into the house,
and I think that I'm at home alone.
I did not realize that Meow Meow was home.
And so we go into my room, my roommate is gone
somewhere, and we started making out and we start actually having sex. And I, I've been called a
deep digger, if that makes sense. And so like, I'm, you know, in there, and I'm going and he's like, oh, oh, oh, okay, oh.
And he's screaming and he's just, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah.
And I'm like, oh my God, I feel like I'm killing this person.
And then all of a sudden-
Well, it's like you think you don't make noise
and then it hits the second hole
and you're like, that's where it, yeah.
So we're doing it, we're doing it.
All of a sudden I hear.
And it's just it's not anyone knocking, it's my roommate walking.
She walks to the kitchen now on the way to the kitchen is my room.
And so she walks to the kitchen and he's screaming.
So by the time she gets back, it's
she's stomping past my room
because she is furious about the sound she is hearing.
And I'm realizing what's happening.
And I'm like, are you okay?
He's like, yeah, I'm fine. I'm fine. Keep going.
And I said, okay, just so you know,
it's about to get worse and or better, you know, however
you feel.
And he wails.
You would swear someone was dying in that room.
But he very happy person.
And she was furious.
Oh, she was mad.
She was slamming dishes.
She was trying to make all sorts of noise to make it be known that I and I said, oh no
I know you're there and that's why I'm making him louder and louder and louder and louder dear because
Honey, don't come for me. Don't make me
Smiteful because there's one thing that I will do. I'm a very very kind loving caring
considerate and
Compassionate person. However, I'm also petty as fuck
So don't make me go there and I mean and thus, you know
She had to hear what it sounded like to be in pound town and I'm you know what?
I bet it made her say get get on Travelocity.com and say, how can I get there?
How can I get there from cheap?
Is it a bus?
Is it a plane?
Is it a train?
Um, Safira, what was the lesson that you took away?
What, what, what rule did you put in place for the rest of your dating life that has
led you to this wonderful relationship?
Or your housing life.
Or your house.
Yeah, truly that. Don't believe someone when relationship. Or your housing life. Or your housing, yeah, truly that.
Don't believe someone when they say they don't scream.
Like, they don't scream. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Murray Hill, same question, context, are you in a relationship currently? Are you a relationship
person? Were you running around town throwing it out there for everybody to catch? What's
going on?
Well, I'm going to answer that. I'm still trying to figure out what the second hole
is from the last story. I actually legitimately don't know.
Oh, there's a second hole up there and you don't want it.
You don't want it touched.
I don't want it touched anyways, personally,
but I'm not a bottom.
We'll take this offline, the second hole conversation.
You know, I learned a lot of new things today.
And I'm still learning.
But fellas and young lady,
I've been the worst at relationships for the past three decades.
Awful. And I had this special knack to date crazy showgirls, actresses, musicians. So it's
the same thing of, I know it's the same thing as a musician, as a magician. So, you know,
I should have known better. Showgirls and magicians share a lot of DNA.
Yeah, it just, I kept making the same mistakes.
Yeah, it is sort of the McDonald's toy,
like the boy toy is the magician,
the girl toy is the showgirl,
and you sort of get that option at the drive-through.
And, you know, I had to go to the doctor too,
not for my second hole, but I had to go to the doctor too, not for my second hole, but I had to go to the doctor
and it turned out that I'm colorblind
and I legally can't see red flags.
So that was part of the problem, okay?
That's the same thing.
Let's say, yeah, it's like over and over and over again.
So I'll just tell you, there's so many,
there's so many bad dates that I could have done
about six or seven hours of interview time for this,
but I'm gonna do two quick ones
and then a quick third one, real quick.
Okay, great.
I love it.
["The First Night"]
One of them is this young lady I went home with her the first night, I shouldn't have
done it, but I did.
And she sounded like Kathleen Turner, but in later in life.
So again, that's a red flag that I totally missed.
Okay.
And just because you were worried about her lung health or what was the red flag about that?
Well, Kathleen Turner, when she had a couple of drinks and the health, it sounded a little
questionable.
You should run.
So this woman was talking all sex style to me.
And I was trying to be open,
cause I'm an older guy.
And I was trying to be open to a woman talking sexy talk
to me.
And she was like, I'm touching the back of your neck.
I'm blowing on your ear.
My hand is on the nape of your,
I'm like all this shit.
And I'm blowing on your neck.
And what does it smell like?
And I said, hot dogs?
And she literally went insane.
Okay?
And then wrote a blog.
She kicked me out.
I'm not kidding this.
She kicked me out and she wrote a blog the next day.
Of course I looked because you know,
that's one of the things about messaging.
I have to look.
The title was, Never Date a Comedian, Here's Why. So that was one quick story.
Well, wait, can I ask one clarifying question about that? When she asked,
what does it smell like? What was she referring to?
Her breath.
Her breath. Oh, okay.
You know what?
That's not as, that's, that is so,
she's so sensitive.
She probably had some street meat
before she was blowing on the nape of your neck.
And that's okay.
You were just being honest.
Well, see, people don't like that.
No, no.
And comedians, as delusional as they are,
or optimistic as we're saying tonight, you know,
you know, you set me up for a joke, I had to go there.
That's right.
That's on her.
Yeah.
Showbiz.
And the other one, this is also, this is real.
The first night I went home with her, she's like, I just weaned myself off of my vibrator.
Now I didn't know what that meant.
And I don't know if you kids from the other communities
will understand what that means.
But when women use machines to get off,
it's very, a human can never replicate a machine type of-
This is AI guys, this is what's coming from all of us.
Unfortunately for men, we don't need the machines.
We need, what happens to us is just the gorilla grip
of our own hand is what we get used to,
and that can be problematic.
So I understand, it's a lateral sort of problem,
but I understand.
Yeah, so imagine the grip of your own hand
completely automated, like when you plug it in.
Oh, we have those.
Yeah, I'm sure you do.
And that's probably where the second hole comes in handy.
But anyway, so I didn't know what this meant
and I was like, oh, okay, cool.
And you know, I should have, that was a red flag,
the fifth floor fucking walk up in Greenpoint,
second red flag.
So I was already dying by the time I got up there.
Anyway, so-
You don't have much more to give after that.
Yeah, I didn't have much more to give to start with.
So anyway, so we're making out and stuff,
and I'm doing whatever I can.
And you're not gonna know this kid,
but with a woman, she does have two holes.
So-
Oh, I did know that. I did know that.
It's two roads diverged in a yellow wood, okay?
And you took the one most traveled by.
The one time I did finger a woman,
I chose the wrong, the one the pee comes out of, okay?
So it is not easy.
Not just women, not just women.
So try to imagine this, kids.
I'm doing this, I've got one finger in one hole,
the other finger in the other hole,
I'm blowing on the clip, I love you first thing.
Okay.
Nothing, dead silence.
So I went like, I licked my fingers.
I don't know if that comes across.
I'm getting all excited.
My blood pressure just went up.
I licked my fingers and I pounded it in there,
went to pound town and she faked her orgasm.
And so that didn't go anywhere.
How do you know she faked?
Yeah, because she told me.
There's the honesty again.
Coming back to bite you in the ass.
And the last thing, it's not necessarily a bad date,
but it's embarrassing is I don't know if you kids spoon,
like big spoon, little spoon. Even though I'm big and little at the same time, I'm the big spoon.
And this woman that I went home with for the first night to my place,
she's very tall. She's a showgirl. She's a showgirl.
And I have pet steps to get into my bed. So that was a problem already.
She was like, why are these here? Because you don't have a pet.
And then she said something else, Joel, and I'm not making this shit up. She said, why are there
crumbs in the bed? And I said, well, my feelings aren't going to eat themselves.
Oh my god, stop.
We're spooning. You know how this sometimes in heterosexual situations, this can happen.
You spoon so much, the lady falls asleep.
Yeah.
Okay?
I will say actually that is a problem across-
Oh it is?
Sexualities.
Oh I didn't know that.
I'm learning more stuff.
Gay men get tired too, believe it or not.
We do sleep.
I didn't know that, I just thought, cocaine and holes.
Not no, not no. Not no, you're, cocaine and holes. Not no, not no.
Not no, you're not wrong, yeah.
I'm picking this shit up, bros.
So anyway, we're spooning, she's falling asleep,
she's snoring, and you know,
anytime I put something in my mouth,
my shrink is like, have a glass of water.
So I was drinking all night, So I had to go pee.
So I tried to get up, okay?
First night, I tried to get up
and I don't know if you could tell on the podcast,
but I got a big belly down there.
My belly was stuck in her cum bucket
and or the arch of her back.
It literally like a bowling ball in a gutter.
It was stuck in there.
Okay, my stomach was stuck in there. Okay.
My stomach was stuck in there.
She was sweating.
I was sweating.
It was like a suction cup and I couldn't get out.
Okay.
Oh my God.
I could not get out.
It was fucking so embarrassing.
Okay.
And finally I was like trying to push.
Okay.
I was trying to push myself.
It really was like, I think it's science.
I think it's science.
And I was trying to push myself up
and it made the craziest sound that woke her up,
the biggest, wettest, slurp, stucky thing that, you know.
Pfft, pfft, pfft.
And it was so loud, it woke her up.
And then I started laughing. And then when I start laughing a lot
Guess what happens you fart. Oh, yes. I farted
Yeah, so there you are this big suction cup and then I just fucking laid like five farts in a row
First date and you know what?
I'm gonna tell you something
You ready for this exclusive? I'm going to tell you something. You ready for this exclusive?
I'm ready.
We're engaged now.
Yes!
No!
Yes!
That's beautiful.
Oh my god.
Oh, I can't.
This has been this trilogy.
Oh my god.
It is better than Lord of the Rings.
OK?
Like more satisfying.
Much more satisfying, I got to say, than any of those little dwarf
bullshit movies.
You guys, that was such an incredible episode.
Thank you, all three of you for joining us so, so, so much.
Listen, Sefirah Kristol, where can the people find you?
What are you doing these days?
What do you want them to know?
Oh, I have so much music coming out soon
But you can find me on Instagram
So fear crystal on Twitter so fair crystal on all streaming platforms under guess what?
Crystal. Yeah got new music always putting out something new. I have a new album coming out in the new year
So that's so exciting and And I have to and anybody
who's not familiar with Safira Kristal, I have to tell you incredible singer, like actual talent.
So please check out that album. And I will I want to say just for the listeners benefit is Safira
spelled exactly as you would expect, but it's C R I SI-S-T-A-L, Crystal,
in case anyone wants to Google correctly.
But I'm sure Google would have figured it out.
Murray Hill, where can the people find you?
What are you doing these days?
What do you want the people to know?
Well, for the rest of this year,
I'll be on HBO Somebody Somewhere, playing Fray Bricoco,
and they put it out once a week,
so people can watch every
week for the next couple months.
And you know, I'm on Instagram wasting a lot of time.
It's at Murray Hill.
Love it.
So if anybody wants to send me a note, I'll write them back.
And then if someone wants to tell me about the second whole situation, I'd love to know.
We'll get into it. about the second whole situation. I'd love to know. We got you.
We'll get into it.
Somebody Somewhere, such an incredible show.
Bridget Everett, genius.
Bridget is sort of the conduit through which
I discovered you, Murray.
And it's like so, that show is so exciting to me
because it is like finally someone using Bridget
in the way that she should be used, genius,
and the way that she has also gathered up
all of the fucking, you know,
the scene that she came up with
and put you all in the show is so beautiful.
Everybody run, don't walk to HBO to watch this show.
It's really, really incredible,
and you're incredible in it.
Finally, last but certainly not least, Casey Wilson, where can the people find you? What are
you doing these days? What do you want them to know? God bless Joel. You can find me at
Casey Rose Wilson on Instagram. And I have a podcast largely about the Real Housewives.
And I'm not proud of that, but it's called Bitch Sesh. And it's co-hosted with Daniel Schneider.
You have been a star guest multiple times sharing
your knowledge and doing the work. And I love you and thanks for having me.
Yeah, check it out at garbageworld.com and sign up. It is well worth the meager price of admission.
There's so much bonus content. They're not just talking housewives. They're talking wellness.
They're talking ghosts. They're talking everything under the sun. I cannot recommend it highly enough.
Thank you so much, Casey, for joining us.
Thank you.
Thank you all for joining us. Listen, you guys, if you liked what you heard today, and
I know you fucking did, don't lie to me, leave us a rating and a review wherever you're listening
to your podcast. Five stars, it's the most helpful thing you can do to help other people find our own little
podcast.
And listen, if you're looking for the perfect gift this holiday season, we have all new
types of Bad Dates merch like hats, stickers, t-shirts, hoodies, and more.
You won't want to miss these.
You can find it all at SiriusXMstore.com slash Bad Dates.
It's all really cute stuff, guys. Okay and that has been
the episode. I hope you had as much fun and learned as much as I did this episode. We'll
be back next week with more bad dates. Bye bye. Showbiz. Showbiz baby. Bad Dates is a
production of Smartless Media created by Robert Cohen. Executive producers are Robert Cohen and Stuart Bailey. Produced, edited, and
engineered by Devon Torrey-Brien. Produced by Anne Harris. Edited by Kyle McGrath.
Associate producer is Maddie McCann. Social media producer is Tommy Galgana.
Executive producers are Sean Hayes, Will Arnett, and Jason Bickman. Executive
producers for Smartless Media are Richard Corson and Bernie Kaminsky.
Music by Cushi and Evan Schleder.
If you've had a bad date or would like our advice
on any dating issues, please tell us about it
at baddatespod at gmail.com or call us at 984-265-3283.
That's 984-265-3283.
That's all for this week.
We will be back for more Bad Gates.