Bad Dates with Jameela Jamil - The Wrong Side of 36 (w/ Dylan Carlino, Pat Regan, and Roz Hernandez)

Episode Date: March 10, 2025

On a new episode of Bad Dates, host Joel Kim Booster welcomes comedians Dylan Carlino, Pat Regan, and Roz Hernandez to discuss their most iconic dating fiascos. Dylan can’t make a connection and his date can’t make a breakup fort, Pat is on a date with a Goofy pilot who has seemingly never been hugged, and Roz’ date gets a call to action that doesn’t take a season of Serial to unravel. If you’ve had a bad date you’d like to tell us about, our number is 984-265-3283, and our email is [e-mail], we can’t wait to hear all about it! Subscribe to our YouTube Channel for video clips. Subscribe to our YouTube Channel for video clips.Merch available at SiriusXMStore.com/BadDates. Joel Kim Booster: Psychosexual, Fire Island, Loot Season 2Dylan Carlino: @dylanpcarlino in Insta, Some Of This Is Bad podcastPat Regan: @patreegs on Insta, Seek Treatment podcastRoz Hernandez: @rozhernandez on Insta, Ghosted! podcast Subscribe to SiriusXM Podcasts+ to listen to new episodes of Bad Dates ad-free. Start a free trial now on Apple Podcasts or by visiting siriusxm.com/podcastsplus.

Smart. Less. Neon. So I just hit 10 years sober. Pause for applause. Wait, are all of you sober? Wow, I really... No way.

And Joel, this is an intervention. Joel, you need not be wondering. I'm asked to talk to you. Please get help. Please. intervention. Hey, y'all, it's Joel Kim Booster here with another episode of Bad Dates, the podcast. That's right. You're listening to a podcast, an audio medium. If you're wondering why there's no picture, it's because you opened the wrong application on your phone. You fucking idiot.

Just kidding. I love all of our listeners equally. You're all geniuses for even being here. Thank you so much. If you're wondering after that caustic intro, what you're listening to bad dates is a podcast that is exactly what it sounds like. It is a podcast where I bring on some of my funniest friends and they tell their worst, horrible, no good dating stories, but they're not alone. Some of you guys write in and share your bad date stories as well. And I'm going to begin the podcast now with such a letter. It is from Emma. Bad dates. I was at your SF live show. Shout

out to everybody who was at our SF live show. It was a resounding success. I loved being there with all of you. And I thought I'd share my horrible date experience with y'all before any first date. I tell my brother the name of the guy I'm meeting in case I suspiciously disappear. Smart. This time, my brother happened to Google the guy, let's call him Frank, before our date. He said to me, hey, I Googled Frank and you're gonna hate this. So I looked him up. The very first search result is the guy's medium page where he recently published his only article titled, My Bloody Battle with Crohn's Disease. The literal first sentence of this 15 paragraph article read, Have you ever looked into the toilet bowl and wondered how you're still alive?

Beautiful Katy Perry lyric if I've ever heard it. Frank then proceeded to document in detail every poop he'd taken the previous year, I'm talking consistency, smell, color, girth, etc. and how he managed his Crohn's disease by performing a black market fecal transplant on himself. It was so detailed I found myself dry heaving by sentence 5. I showed up to our scheduled lunch date hoping this wouldn't somehow come up because who mentions their bowels on a first date, but no, within 3 minutes Frank told me that we couldn't order any sushi with fake crab meat because it would trigger his Crohn's disease

and give him fiery diarrhea. Super. I ordered Pad Thai and he got the sushi platter sans fake crab. Our food came out and he took one look at mine and said, wow, yours looks about a lot better than mine. Do you mind if we share? Baffled, I said, sure. Then I sat there and watched as he ate not only his meal, but mine in its entirety. When the check arrived, he asked if I wanted to split it. Still can't believe I fucked that guy. Okay, no, but should we all be Googling our first date or does it kill the mystery? Oh wow, lots of thoughts here Emma. I gotta say, first of all,

I will say I was not necessarily on your side for the first half of your email. I will say this, I don't think it's that crazy to write an article about your disease if that is your prerogative. I would have saw what the article was about and simply stopped reading. That was an option that we never touched on in your email. However, as it gets to the date portion, now I'm back on your side. Now I'm a feminist again, Emma, because here's the thing.

It is such a strange thing to talk about your bowels on the first date. This is not the first time we've heard from a straight woman that a man has shown thing to talk about your bowels on the first date. This is not the first time we've heard from a straight woman that a man has shown up to the date and informed her of a recent bowel movement or a bowel movement that's about to happen. And that I think we can all say blanket, not okay, not something that you want to do on a first date. Again, we are in the are straight men okay corner because we rarely if ever hear from straight men that straight women are sharing about their balsam dates.

So yeah, this is weird. This is bad. I can't believe you let him eat your food. Again, I'm sorry to put the onus on you and blame you, but you could have said something. And then to split the bill is a travesty. This is again, where my own internalized misogyny comes into play because he's the boy he should pay for the date, especially if he's going to regale you with tales of his fecal matter on the date. But this speaks to something and I'm going to bring in our guests really quick because I can see they're chomping at the bit to jump in here. But this brings up something, a phenomenon that I have noticed a lot in the era of

TikTok, which is you make a TikTok or in this case, a blog post and about something that's going on in your life and it hits. And then suddenly you think that that has to become your entire personality. I cannot tell you how many times I've seen a TikTok of someone talking about their arthritis and suddenly that goes viral and they go from a normal TikTok feed to suddenly they are the arthritis TikTok girl and they can only talk about arthritis. And I get it. It's something to share with the world and you're connecting people, but at the same time, it's very dangerous on the internet to let one thing about you become your entire personality. I say as I

host a podcast about sex and dating. Anyways, I'm not the only person with opinions on Emma's story here. I have a incredible panel today that I'm so excited to get their take on it. Joining us first is a comedian featured in last year's Netflix is a Joke Showcase. And as the co-host of the podcast, some of this is bad. Please welcome Dylan Carlino. Hello, Dylan. How are we doing? Welcome, welcome. I'm so good. I'm so glad to have you.

Speaking of someone who makes incredible videos, Dylan Carlino, check him out. We also have an actress, comedian, and host of the Paranormal Comedy Podcast, which I have been featured on. It's an amazing podcast. It's called Ghosted. Please welcome Ross Hernandez.

Oh my God, hi. Let me tell you about my bowels. Oh, I can't wait to hear about him. And last, but certainly not least, a dear friend, a sister, a pal. He's a writer and a producer on a show you might have heard of called Hacks and another show called Nobody Wants This, which I am just finding out from this doc, Pat. That's incredible. Please welcome my friend, Pat Regan. Hello, I'm feeling this crazy pressure like RuPaul's Drag Race panel. It's like have like kind of like a pithy like a pun.

But I don't have it. But I what but what I do want to say is hi. Hi. Hi. And thank you for joining us, Pat. You could have made your high something about bottoming a reference to, uh, rimming, um, anything that they do on RuPaul, really. You could have tried. You could have tried. Are we going to get right into this person's situation? We are gonna get right into this person's situation,

and I think you should lead us off, Pat. What do you think about Emma and her date with Crohn's? Well, okay, this is not the first time that I'm being, that I'm kind of coming up against the, as we look around at the media landscape, we of course acknowledge that there's quite a bit of identity forward content, which is wonderful. Obviously, yeah. There's something that's going on with the Crohn's community where there is such a robust, almost death drive to talk about Crohn's disease, which

I celebrate, but it's like, it's a lot. There's just a lot of people out, there's a lot of voices raising their hand and saying, me too, with Crohn's disease. And it's like, and then I do think it's this, I then assign it this certain sort of thing of like, yeah, I talk about my shit. It's cool, but whatever. And it's like, okay, whatever. Take me or leave me, yeah. What I'll say is I don't mind the going Dutch of it all. Oh, really? Like, I don't know.

21st century guy. Well, I'm just like, you never know. Like, sometimes I'm like, the check coming to me already, maybe weird money stuff, I'm already like, what's gonna happen now that anyone who has a confident, like, let's do this, I'm like, thank you. Like whether it's like I'll pay or whether it's like, let's just go half and say, okay, thank you. That's taken off the table.

I think the wrinkle for her and correct me if I'm wrong, guys, is that he did eat all of her food. I think he had had. Of course, if somebody else would have snapped. Yeah, but dating for me a date, it's like the food is prop. It's like a prop, do you know what I mean? It's like, I don't even register what I've eaten. Like none of this counts.

Like, you know what I mean? Like I don't- Well, and you're speaking as a classically trained bottom right now. Totally, that's also why- You're not eating on the date, yeah. I'm not eating a ton of the date, but also like I, but I'm also of the mind

that like you could eat on the date. You know what I mean? Depending on how everything works for you and your personal journey know your body Yeah, but also I think we as gay men and and we as queer people like a lot of times when the butt is involved It's like we don't you kind of want to act like it's a separate sexual entity for this you want you You don't want to talk about shit. You don't mean you don't want to you want to pretend that doesn't exist Yeah, shit does not exist in our world. It's not even a you don't want to, you want to pretend that doesn't exist. Yeah.

Shit does not exist in our world. It's not even a possibility. It's not on the table. Dylan, what do you think? I feel, well, I think, okay, this is actually not part of her. I mean, like the big point of her issue, but like my crazy takeaway was that like her brother

looked up her date because my brother would actually let me die before ever looking up any guy ever on a date with. And that kind of shocked me that she has a relationship with her brother. It's kind of, to me, was giving like, they're taking photos in high school and everyone's like, they're fucking.

Yeah, they brought each other to homecoming, that sort of thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Ross, how would you feel if a date of yours showed up and regaled you down to the finer details of their shits? Thank you so much for asking. You know, I see I come from Translady World and personally I do Google everyone. And I try to find everything I can.

Seriously, if I'm going to shave anything or if I'm going to put on makeup or any of it. Listen, my couch, my dog, it's a lovely place I have. And if I'm going to leave it, I got to know that it's a sacred space. It's not going to be an instant. Oh, God. I can't tell how I feel about the eating of food. It is. It does.

It does feel like that's something that's like for some reason so different between a like straight, straight. You don't even. Is it? I don't know. It doesn't bother me really. It doesn't bother me. See, this is another one of my favorite pastimes on this podcast and something that I've really implemented as we as I have taken over as host, which is pathologizing random behavior to straight people. And because there's, and because we so rarely talk to them, we can say anything is a straight, is what straight people do. Like eating each other's food that is so straight coded.

That's what they do. No one should be going to a first date being like, well, this is going to be my main sustenance for the day. It's like, you should be fully fed. Anything you eat on the date is sort of like bonus fare. Do you know what I mean? It's not like, oh my God, I'm not, this is my main meal of the day. It's my first date with Crohn's disease guy. You will not know my normal eating habits until we were in a

committed monogamous relationship. We're going to start first up with Dylan Carlino. Dylan, give us a little background, give us a little context for where you're at right now. Are you currently in a relationship? Are you a serial monogamist? Are you someone who's perpetually single? What's your deal? The third answer. And so I'm always, I've never really had a real boyfriend other than a straight guy that I kind of dated for three months. Oh my God. Sounds very real. Yeah.

It was. Well, we were in Portland, so everybody was confused. Of course. And so yeah, I live in Austin, Texas. I have never had a boyfriend and I'm really happy about that. Okay. Yeah, I guess that's where I'm at right now. I kind of just like hook up, but I'm not sure. But I'm also now kind of looking for love in a way.

I did ask God for love and then he sent me a dog that I found on the streets last month. That's when specificity comes into play. Yeah. Because God, famous trickster, famous trickster loves to trick you. I laughed. I laughed. I said, yeah, I love I was holding the dog and I go, I love you so much. And I thought, well, he answered. You can't get mad. This is your version. He told that guy to kill his son. And then right when he was about to, he was like, J.K., I just wanted to see if you would. And it's like, we're not dealing with a normal person here. OK, we're not dealing with a normal person up in the sky.

It's not he's a silly guy. So you've never had a real boyfriend other than said straight guy. Where does your date take place? -♪ DING DONG! -♪ It does take place in Portland, Oregon, and it's one of those dates where you end up, like, being with the person for, like, over 24 hours, because at first it started really well.

And also, this story begins before I knew what the concept of self-worth was. Oh, important. Yeah. And what really starts of, I think it's most stories start, which is I dyed my hair red so I was feeling sexy. Mmm.

You were feeling something. Well, my roommate dyed my hair red. Yeah, and as the hair dye was in, I was like, I need to download Tinder. And so I got a start. Are we talking like a natural red or like a Jennifer Garner and Alias red? Oh my God. I'm rewatching Alias right now. Is it like that kind of red? Yeah.

Really? It's Fomke Janssen in X-Men Red. My so-called life crim Crimson Glow. Okay. Yeah. And so I did it right and I immediately matched with this guy on Tinder who was like very hot and I was like, oh, this is like what people talk about when you first download the apps and you meet the one. And so he was like, we should go grab…

Is that what people say? Is that what people say about the apps? That's the famous thing about the apps is you download them and immediately meet the one. Well, there's those stories where they're like, I was never on the apps and then I downloaded it immediately and now me and Ryan have been together for eight years. I hate those people. The apps are cesspools for the drags. And I'm one of them.

Same. But this was also 2017 when it was a little bit more... I don't know, it's actually probably the same. But I met up with this guy, he was like, let's go to a bar and this is before I quit drinking. And so I met up with this guy and we immediately hit it off and we're having the best time ever and so we proceeded to get blackout drunk. And yeah, of course.

And then I started, and this is not who I am as a person, but we started making out with him, straddling me at the bar until, yeah. until a bar counter came over to me and was like, couldn't you guys leave? Is this a gay bar or is this a straight bar? This is a straight bar. Oh my god. You were really rolling the dice.

You said... How was the straddle? How was the... Are you in a booth? That's not... No, I think actually just a regular chair. Oh my god. That's hot. No, it was actually crazy a regular chair. Oh my God. That's hot.

No, it was, it was actually crazy. You were at Dave and Busters. You were in straight town. You are getting straddled by a stranger. I love that for you. We ended up, he was like, all right, let's go back to my place. And we Ubered and he actually, I didn't realize this lived in Vancouver, which is like 25 minutes from Portland. Oh wait, not in Washington, Canada, Washington. And so we go back to his place and then we like started to from Portland. Oh wait, not in Washington. In Washington. No, Washington. Okay. And so we go back to his place and then we started to hook up, but we were both way too

drunk so we just like, I was like, he was like, all right, let's just go to sleep. And then the next morning he kind of woke me up in this cute way and was like, oh my God, come out to the living room. I did something and he had built a pillow and blanket for. And I thought that was really cute. And now looking back, I'm like, oh, no, he's just an alcoholic. And he does this every weekend. And so you know, maybe this is like at 25.

I thought that was cute. It's like being in a band. And now I'm like, yeah, 30 year old. I was like, this is loser behavior. And so we did that. And then we went back. We like ubered back to get his car. Well, wait, I'm sorry. You did what, though? He's created the fort. And how did you utilize the fort?

We did not hook up, just cuddled. Oh, like made out. Can I just ask how old are you? Because it affects the fort. Yeah, he's 32. Cool. OK, I'm 25 at this point, you know? Yeah.

So it's you. And so I'm thinking like he has his life together. He has kind of money where he can spend his weekends building pillow forts. Well, and this is 2017 too. This is sort of the height. This is like where we're starting to come out of Tweed, but it was still like the new girl had just gone off the air, you know?

And so like pillow fort culture was probably right at its peak. And I don't blame you for it working on you. In 2017. It was so romantic. In a first Trump presidency, yeah, of course you're falling for the pillow fort. Of course. And so we were like, go, he's like, let In a first Trump presidency, of course you're falling for the pillow.

Of course. And so he's like, let's go get his car. So we ubered back. And then we get to the car, and he's like, we should go for a hike, because that's like what everyone in Oregon likes to do. And this is where things really start to take a turn. And so we're on the hike.

And the entire hour-long hike, he's telling me all about how he recently, two weeks ago, got out of a relationship. And it's really upset about it. And in my mind, I'm kinda like, why are you ruining things between us? You know what I mean? This is crazy, I'm gonna be your new boyfriend

because I didn't know how it worked. And so I'm at the top of a mountain and he starts to cry over it. And I'm like, oh no. And I know that this is like red flags, but I've also never had a boyfriend, so I'm just going off like Grey's Anatomy stuff. So I'm like, no, I'm sure that we can work through this,

like I'm here now. And so after the hike, we get back in his car, and almost immediately he changed the subjects by going like, he taps his teeth and goes, are you thinking about getting any dental work done? Whoa. Yeah. And in his defense, I was missing a tooth at the time.

But. But he still wasn't graceful. It still wasn't graceful. M. Night Shyamalan over here with the twist ending. And then, and I'm like, and I was missing a tooth, but I was like moving my mouth in a way that I really thought you couldn't tell. And so,

he's like, let's go get food. And I'm like, okay, cool. Obviously I tell him like, yeah, of course, when I have the money, I'm gonna get them to work done. And then we like go pick up food. He goes inside and comes back out and he's like, he's like completely changed his whole mood. And I'm like, what's wrong?

He's like, I just ran into my ex. And I was like... Now, this is... This is the problem for you and this is the problem for him in that there are, last I counted, roughly 17 gay men in the entire world, okay? And you're on that mountain hearing this, seeing this man cry over his ex. And in your mind, you know, a lot of straight people,

I'd say, in this position, in your position, you know, a lot of straight people I'd say in this position in your position would would immediately like red flag it's over because they have so many options. But in the back of you have to understand if you're straight and you're listening to this story in the back of Dylan's mind, he's saying this is one of 17. Yeah. So I'm grading. I'm grading on this curve. This is me. This is one of 17 chances I have at love and really one of 16 because you have to take out the X at the end of the day. Yeah. So if you're wondering why Dylan's still there, this is why. So continue. He's come back. He's seen the X. Okay. He's seen the X. He gets in the car. And so then we do that. This is actually a very straight quality of him. We go back in the car and then we drove for 17 minutes

in pure silence. And I was like, what's going on? You know, and so then we get back and we start eating our food and we eat it and then afterwards he's like, he like comes over and kind of starts initiating things and we start like making out, we get on his bed and then he like stops and pulls away and he gets like really serious and he goes,

actually I'm just like not sexually attracted to you. Oh! Actually? Actually I'm like, and I go, okay. And then I said, you know, I'm not gonna stay somewhere I'm not wanted and so I Uber back home and yeah. And then I did the exact same thing within the next weekend.

The pillow fort. No! The pillow fort. With the pillow fort. How did the exact same thing within the next weekend. The pillow for him. No! The pillow for him. With the pillow for him. How did the second date come about if you knew he wasn't sexually attracted? He's informed you. Okay, I will say in his defense,

we really did hit it off conversation-wise. And sometimes when you hit off so hard conversation-wise, I think people were kind of like, I can make this work. I don't want to be shallow. And so then he hit me back up and he was like, actually I am. And so then I was like, ding ding ding.

And we did the exact same thing, went out, got drunk, forked again, that's where I was kind of like, all right, the fork's definitely a red flag. And then we went out a second night in a row and all of his friends were there. And then he ended up coming back to my house that night. And then in the middle of the night, he woke me up by rubbing on my chest. And then in the middle of the night, he woke me up by like rubbing on my chest.

And I woke up and I was like, yeah. And he was like, I think we should just be friends. And I jumped off the bed and I said, get out, get out of my house. I couldn't wait until morning and do it in a brand new fort for you. He couldn't have built you a break up fort. Woke me up to tell me, don't wanna fuck you.

I go, great. So then I kicked him out of my apartment in a big scene. And then as he left, his friend texted me and said like, he's crazy. I actually have a big crush on you. And I was like, gay guys are toxic. I know. Wow.

I love that. One of the 17. You had two of the 17 gay men after you. Yeah, two of the 17. I know. Did you go out with a had two of the 17 gay men after you. Yeah, two of the 17 in Portland. Did you go out with a friend? No, because I'm from Massachusetts, so loyalty means a lot to me, and I was like, you're a bad friend.

That is true. Well, whatever. No, wait, he was also ugly. What? Oh, I did that? Okay, so we got to the real reason. Bad dates. Bad dates. We're moving on now. Dear friend, I know a lot about your dating history, Pat. I've been regaled many times at parties via text message, DMs.

I know a lot, but give the listener, give someone who's not close to you sort of a picture, a window into your dating world right now. Soterios Johnson Yeah, I'm single. I've had like one real relationship, and then I've had a couple of situations. And I can't tell what I think of it. I will say I newly have this awareness of being on what I call the wrong side of 36. And I don't know. I think that I thought I was perhaps unavailable. I just had like an experience that I'm like, maybe I'm more available than I thought.

I can't tell. I'm examining my relationship with sort of everything right now and I'm better than ever at sitting with my feelings. But I, yeah, so, and then for my date, does that cover it? Yeah, that covers it. I think, I mean, it was confusing and a little opaque, but I think people following along understand

you're single and you are at least giving lip service to the fact that you're okay with it. Yes, I don't think I'm okay with it. Oh, you don't think you're okay. And see, this is why I'm glad we qualified. You don't know. Yeah, I don't really know. I don't know what's going on anymore.

I'm more lost than ever. But you're okay sitting with your feelings and you don't know what those feelings exactly are. Yes, and I think that I've seen myself get carried away when the situation did not call for it a few times now. And I'm like, I need to know myself a little better so that that does not happen. Do you know what I mean?

Very fair. That's the right side of 36. Wrong side of 36, I'm sorry, is Taylor's next leading single. I went through a thing like a year ago where I was like, I am going to go on the apps and date like how people do. And so I was like, maybe a couple, I went with one, you know, it's hard going on these dates and these apps. And like, I matched with this person who was a pilot on a major airline and I thought,

isn't that interesting? What would that mean if I who was a pilot on a major airline and I thought, isn't that interesting? What would that mean if I was dating a pilot? And I do think you always are kind of like that, where it's like, in lieu of context to make this an actual human being you're considering and just like, you view them as like an accessory to yourself and you picture it's like, oh, Pat and this person are coming. He's a comedian and the other one's a pilot. It's crazy. Yeah, my boyfriend needs the jump seat today. If you please. My boyfriend, Pat Regan, will be sitting in the jump seat,

if that's okay. Yes. That's hot. I know. I kinda got on board and I get the... Literally. Board. Okay. What zone were you? And I was like, let me go ahead and – I get scared of like getting stuck places. So

sometimes I'll go to the black cat and stuff like that because I feel like it's easy to leave. And I said, let's go for a drink. I go to the black cat. I see him. I don't know what I mean by this. His aura is the year 2004. He was handsome. I wasn't like, you know, bowled over, but he was handsome. And so, and he was wearing a kind of crisp button down shirt that like Lauren Conrad states would kind of wear on the hills. You know what I mean? I love that. So he goes to me, he says, meanwhile he's 39, by the way. And he says, I made us a reservation. I'm thinking to myself, the black cat? This

is crazy. I think to myself, that cannot be. So we go in the woman, like, he's like, we have a reservation for two. She looks at us like we're crazy. I'm trying to look at her like I wasn't me. Listeners who are LA based, let me just say the black cat is like a dive bar. But clearly the woman probably had to blow the dust off the iPad to even put in a restoration. So like we go in, we're meeting for a drink. I'm like, whatever. And I'm, I can't tell what you think.

And so he starts talking, he's like, new to LA and he's just like, honestly, my sensation was like, you're not going to make it here. I'm not going to. You don't have ants. No, I was like, I can't even make it here. I'm not gonna. I can't even make it here. He just was like, you know, he was saying things like, yeah, this town, it's all who you know, people will look over your shoulder. It's just, you know, all anyone cares about is what they could do for your career. And the way it was, I agree with kind of actually, I don't know if that's true. But I know that people say it and the way he was saying it, I was like, these are just

words that, you know, people say about LA. it, and the way he was saying it, I was like, these are just words that you know people say about LA. Do you know what I mean? There was just something almost tender, where I was like, he grew up in the Midwest, and then he went to pilot school in Florida. And so there was just this kind of anachronism to him, and it felt like these almost kind of family values that kind of go along

with that 2004 aesthetic of like that palatable first generation queer eye. Don't ask, don't tell. Yes. Sort of like, civil union, but gay marriages between man and a woman, but I can be civil union. I just happened to be gay. Yes, and like family values type.

I can't explain why I was getting this, I was getting it. So we start talking and he goes, we start talking about work. He doesn't know why an airplane flies just which push buttons to press. But he was doing international flights. And I've been saying this about pilots for forever. Do not go to a pilot if you need navigation, all right? Because they let the computers do the work. Come for me, pilots in the audience.

And so I'm like forgetting kind of the story. I've never told it so many times, but I was like, I had just written on this show with Kristen Bell. He goes, I love Kristen Bell. I go, oh, like, you know, Veronica Mars changed my life. He goes, what's Veronica Mars? I'm like, okay, well, you love Veronica, you love Kristen Bell, you know, Veronica Mars.

I go, and for some reason, like I watched the show on Fox Heroes, and for some reason, obviously the next obvious thing is this, like, good place. But I was like, oh, were you a heroes person? He's like, what's that? And I go, so you loved The Good Place? He's like, I don't know what The Good Place is. And I say, what do you love Kristen Bell

from? And he says, mainly, Frozen. Oh, that's bad. Oh my God. Like, that is so crazy. And so we keep talking and I'm like, he says that he loves, the whole time he's looking at across the booth, this person he thinks he recognizes, he gets up because he thinks he's a woman he's seen on Broadway. I can tell it's not her. He comes back and I'm like, I'm so sorry. And oh, first of all, then they came over to take our order.

This was the real thing. So I'm like, whatever, I'll have a diet coke with this person. We'll see how it goes. He goes, I'll have this steak frights. And I'm like, I don't care about mispronouncing it, but I'm just like, now we're in it. And then I, because I'm kind of so subby on a date, I'm like, I don't care about mispronouncing it, but I'm just like, now we're in it. And then I, because I'm kind of so subby on a day, I just do, I just follow the lead.

I'm like, I'll have the steak frights also. So now we're both getting the steak frights. That's so bad. So codependent about what? So then he's like, I was like, do you like Broadway? He's like, I love Broadway. I go, what's your favorite musicals? And he's like, mainly Wicked and Frozen.

And I was like, oh, okay. I was just sort of like, that's so unique as the 39 year old man that those are your favorite musicals as a Broadway lover. Talk about the wrong side of 30s. Yes, yes. Yes. So then I was like, okay, so you love Disney, I see. I love it. Talk about the wrong side of 30s. Yes. Yes.

So then I was like, okay, so you love Disney, I see. And he was like, yeah. And I was like, well, you must be so happy to live here you could go to Disneyland. He's like, I could never pay for Disney. And I was like, why not? And he was like, well, I just after going so long for free. And I was like, why did you go for free? And he was like, well, in Orlando, I worked there.

And I was like, well, what did you do? And he was like, I worked in entertainment. And I said, what does that mean? And he said, well, I was goofy. And I was like, wow. Wow, I was goofy. It's crazy. So then I said, wow, like that's actually kind of cool that I would think that wearing

that suit in the heat would sort of kill the magic after a little while. And he was like, no. Actually, sometimes I would put on the mask and look in the mirror and actually feel more magic. And I was like, cool. And so then at a certain point, we start talking like,

I don't know what, but like the apps, I guess, because we had met on the apps and he was like, I don't, when I'm on a date, I won't fuck the person. Like I don't, like I'm not having sex with you tonight. That's how he said that to me. And I'm like, I don't really care at this point, but all of a sudden you feel like you're pretending you don't care.

I was like, I know, and I don't want to. And I was like, why am I like feeling like I'm performing, not caring if I'm having sex with this person when I really don't? But I was like, he's like, yeah, like I'm not, if I wanna fuck, I'll go and grind her. But it's like for this, like I'm not, I'm'm having sex with this person, but I really don't. But I was like, he's like, yeah, if I want to fuck, I'll go and grind her. But it's like for this, I'm not having sex with you tonight. And I was like, okay, I don't care.

I felt like I was asking him to have sex with me and I couldn't get out of that mindset. He was like, listen, so I saw on your profile that you're sober. And I was like, yeah. And he was like, and how would a partner best support that? It's such a nice thing, of course, but I'm like hanging from the rafters. I was like, go away about it. And then this is like the real moment. And then he goes, and what are your thoughts on monogamy? And I was like, I don't know. I mean, I've always been monogamous but I guess I'm

flexible and what about you? Just kind of from an anthropological standpoint and he was like, I'm into monogamy. I could see a situation where we bring someone home together but there are rules. And I was like, what are the rules? You got gotta ask. And then he, Larry goes, well, I'm a top. So that ass is mine. And I was like, oh my God, Corey, here's the thing. There was something horny about it to me, but I was like, that's so crazy.

Absolutely. Yeah. So anyways, we go out, we're walking in our cars, and like, he goes to, you know, kiss me. And I was like, sure. I know. So I have my, I don't know, I just was like, I guess I'll never say no.

So I was just like, sure. So we make out for a while, he's torn at me, so I put my arms kind of up around him, you know? He literally is physically affected, and he goes, whoa, no one's ever put their arms up on me like that. What? Like it was a crazy sex trick, and I was like, oh, like, no one's ever put their arms up on me like that. What was a crack? It was a crazy sex track. And I was like, Oh, I hope that would be possible. No one's hugged you like this is crazy. So then we went our separate ways. I don't

usually tell this part of the story. But like, he texted he I had messages on hinge. I didn't respond. I had DM requests on Instagram. He had dropped a pin, he was in my grinder. And so I went back to Hinge and I was like, I'm so sorry, I'm not like, I didn't feel a romantic connection. And then he was like, wow, I'm surprised after we kissed like that,

especially after you put your arms up on me. That's the fucking story. I was like, what is going on? I was like, I just, I didn't mean to. Like these arms know not what they do. And so here's the thing. I never even really have said this, but then I went on Grindr and he was like,

well, do you want to come over the next day? And I was like, I was like, sure. You goofy bitch. Bad Gates Bad Gates Bad Gates Bad Gates Moving on, Roz Hernandez. We are friends, we were just on tour together a couple months ago and I know a little bit about your situation. In Portland of all places.

In Portland of all places, exactly. And you better believe I went to the strip club without you. I know. I'm sorry I was being lame, but I had other duties to attend to. One of the strippers DMed me yesterday saying that they saw a clip of me and they go, was that you? And I'm like... Maybe. I love it. Well, you saw their work and now they've seen yours.

Roz, tell us a little bit, what's your current situation dating wise, what is your history with dating been like? Give it to us. I'm exiting a ho era. I've been in many of them. I go on and off. Lately, I'm just leaving one. I'm so incredibly uninterested in men right now. You don't know how many witches I have consulted to try to make me

a lesbian, but it has not happened. I'm a Miss Piggy seeking a Kermit situation, and one day I will find it. Hi-ya! You want to be the abuser in a problematic relationship. Yes! And I see that for you. I see that for you. Aww! Where in your timeline does this story take place? This was definitely, like, rock bottom era. So I went from living in my car to living

in a three bedroom with five people that I met on Craigslist sharing a bedroom with a stranger sleeping on a... In many ways a lateral move. Some might say. I slept on a mattress that they found on the street. It was rough, bitch, okay? It was like real rough. So I was drunk and doing drugs and whatever.

This particular day, I was looking for a drinking buddy. And I think when you're somebody that is that deep in addiction, like to have other people that are kind of at your level is like real comforting. So I opened up Grindr and I found right away, this was a, I'm going to say this was a Tuesday at 10 a.m. I find this guy that is very close by, not super cute but like fine. And I was like, hey, you want to hang out? And he was like, yeah, come over and bring alcohol. And I was like, oh my God, somebody else wants to drink at like 10 a.m. on a Tuesday.

This is great. So I go over there. We're like hanging out. We're having so much fun. Like it turns out we're like friends. Like I was like, oh, this is kind of fun. Now I have someone to drink with, not attracted to them, but whatever.

It's just company. Listen, you take what you can get on a Tuesday morning on Grindr. Yeah. Let's just say that. We end up hanging out for hours. We're ordering food. We're-

Making a pillow fort. We didn't get that far. But it did get to a point where we're quite drunk now and it's probably in the afternoon at some point. We decide to start getting a little freaky deaky. So we're getting freaky deaky. Pregnant paws. But I did not get pregnant that day. So we're getting freaky deaky and then he's all, one second I gotta go make a phone call. So he leaves the room. I think in the middle of the hookup,

like you've already initiated. I mean, no, no, no, we weren't like, nobody was inside of anybody or anything like that. But the decision had been made. Yes, we started, it was getting a little hot and heavy. The destination had been put into the GPS at this point. Exactly. So we took a little derailment for a second as he made this phone call, I don't know to who, I don't know.

He comes back and then he's ready to pounce and we're going at it. And then we're like, it's real ramping up. People are naked at this point. Skinny jeans era, by the way. Skinny jeans are off. It's real ramping up. People are naked at this point. Skinny jeans era, by the way. Skinny jeans are off. So tough. That's a commitment to get out of those jeans? Yes. The worst moment in the human experience is when you're trying to undress each other in a sexual way like you've seen represented in TV and film and like some part of it is just hard to get off.

You feel like a moron. Yeah, that's what I'm kind of like, okay, we're gonna pause for a sec. Like this is not gonna be sexy. This is gonna be strictly administrative or whatever. And then we'll get back to the sexy part. Okay? And we're back. So we're naked. And he's like really like going for it. I was like, what was up with that phone call? I'm sitting here thinking, like that was so weird. And why is he so anxious now to get going?

So all of a sudden, his front door opens. We are on his couch in his studio apartment. The front, the door opens and there's a woman. It is his mother. And she goes, are you fucking kidding me? How many times have I fucking told you this shit again? I told you I hate, like she starts screaming at at him and I'm like, huh? What? Trying to put the skinny jeans on. Oh, no

No them back on Wasted well because I'm naked and there's this older woman that's just like in there screaming and I feel like Bad person or something. I don't know. It's so like this entire scenario like a bad person or something. Like, I don't know, it's so like- This entire scenario, like a mother coming in, you being drunk, having to put on skinny jeans, that is American Ninja Warrior. That is a full obstacle, American Ninja Warrior. Seriously. Like they might as well have spun you around

10 times in a circle and then pushed you forward to try and accomplish this task. That's insane. Is she mad about like the sex junk in middle of a Tuesday or is it about queerness? Well, also you in the living room? And yeah, well, let's be clear. We're right by the door. It's a studio apartment.

Yeah, we're right by the door. So a couch in a studio apartment, what is it even? You know, like what can we, how can we classify a couch in a studio apartment, what is it even? You know, like, how can we classify a couch in a studio apartment? It's a second thing. I've had a studio, it's a sectional. Exactly. You can section it off with a curtain. So, Pat, I'll answer your question in a second because at this point, I'm just like freaking out and I need to get out of there.

And so I do. I get the jeans on and I slip out. And then I started processing it, especially once I had inevitably passed out and then woke back up at like 7 p.m., wide awake. And I realized she kept saying this again. How many times have I told you he left to go make a phone call my theory was that he called her and he this is his thing yeah is having her come in and see I'm on her side, because she has things to do on her Tuesday. Oh, I'm 100% on her side. I am number one ally to this poor woman.

So, then I started thinking, you know, it took me maybe one full minute to get my clothes out, find my clothes, get everything, gather. I probably took whatever alcohol we had left as I'm like getting out of here. I also have like an image in my head of him like with his arms on his hips, butt naked. Just like talking to her. The funniest stance you can take while naked is fist sun hip. Yes. Yeah.

Oh my god. I don't think we need five episodes of serial to crack this case. I think you're exactly right, Roz. I think he called his mom, made sure what time she was coming home because you had all day to fuck. You had all day to get freaky. Oh, yeah. And he chose this moment after this phone call, which tells me he was confirming with his mother not that she was going to be home later,

but that she would be home in time for coitus. And it's one of the special moments of life that is based on a sucks in the city episode. Any takeaways here, any life lessons, anything that you've carried with you into your dating life today? No. Perfect.

Yeah. Bad dates. Incredible episode all around. I am so jazzed to be back hosting with you, with this panel. Dylan Carlino, tell the people where they can find you and what you're doing these days. At Dylan P. Carlino on Instagram and then listen to my podcast, Some of This is Bad, where Instagram and then listen to my podcast, some of this is bad.

Where we bring straight men on the podcast, ask them if they would rather have sex with me or my co-host. Hello. And gay, my God. Hard, it's a hard question to answer. Roz Hernandez, tell the people where you're at and where they can find you.

Well, everything's at my Instagram, at Roz Hernandez. And I have a podcast called Ghosted, where I talk to fun, funny people about their experiences with ghosts and psychics and stuff like that. And I would recommend starting with the Joel Kim Booster episode, or maybe the Pat Regan episode, or eventually the Dylan Carlino episode. And one thing I'm really excited about, especially since I'm sitting here

talking to some wonderful gay men, I'm doing a tour where I am going to gay clubs to do stand-up. I'm gonna do like eight o'clock shows before like the party starts. And I'm going to go to like literally dozens and dozens of cities this summer. And so all those dates will be on my Instagram, but I'm coming to like a lot of cities I would never would have gone to otherwise if I was going to like their

local comedy club or something. So like I'm, I'm traveling all over the place this summer. Feeding the children. Check out her tour. I highly recommend. One of the funniest people working today. Speaking of funny people working today, Pat Regan, where can people find you? What are you doing these days? You can find me on Instagram at Pat Regs, P-A-T-R-E-E-G-S.

I have a podcast called Seed Treatment about sex and dating and kind of what like what you eat for lunch and um I would recommend starting with the restaurant episode or the drunken booster episodes or eventually the Dylan Harlino episode whatever you would like. You are booked now. Thank you. Amazing. Check out Hacks now streaming on HBO Max or just favorite show. And check out Kristen Bell's work.

All of it. From start to finish. From start to finish. Starbush Frozen. If you guys have, again, a question or a story you want to share with us, our email is baddatespod at gmail.com. Please rate and review us on iTunes or wherever you're want to share with us, our email is baddatespod at gmail.com. Please rate and review us on iTunes or wherever you're listening to this podcast. It really helps people find

the show and we love when people find the show. And that has been another episode of Bad Dates. I'm Joel Kim Booster. I will talk to you next week with more horrible, no good, steak, frights stories. Goodbye. Bye. Bye. Bad Dates is a production of Smartless Media created by Robert Cohen. Executive producers are Robert Cohen and Stuart Bailey. Produced, edited, and engineered by Devon Torrey-Brien. Produced by Anne Harris.

Edited by Kyle McGrath. Associate producer is Maddie McCann. Social media producer is Tommy Galgana. Executive producers are Sean Hayes, Will Arnett, and Jason Bateman. Executive producers for Smartless Media are Richard Corson and Bernie Kaminsky. Music by Cushi and Eben Schleder.

If you've had a bad date or would like our advice on any dating issues, please tell us about it at baddatespod at gmail.com or call us at 984-265-3283. That's 984-265-3283. That's all for this week. We will be back for more Bad Dates. Smart plus Media. Right, last, me, I