Bad Dates with Jameela Jamil - Tommy Bihama (w/ Asif Ali, Lea’h Sampson, and Zach Zucker)

Episode Date: March 24, 2025

On a new episode of Bad Dates, host Joel Kim Booster welcomes comedians Asif Ali, Lea’h Sampson, and Zach Zucker to discuss their most iconic dating fiascos. Asif’s date seemed so promising over the phone but she needs to get her head out of the memes, Lea’h thinks she’s all set but her date’s Price Is Right car is only the first of many problems, and Zach is not clowning around when he describes yet another thing that the British have ruined. If you’ve had a bad date you’d like to tell us about, our number is 984-265-3283, and our email is [e-mail], we can’t wait to hear all about it! Subscribe to our YouTube Channel for video clips. Subscribe to our YouTube Channel for video clips.Merch available at SiriusXMStore.com/BadDates. Joel Kim Booster: Psychosexual, Fire Island, Loot Season 2Asif Ali: @alicomedy on Insta for tour dates, Deli Boys streaming on Hulu nowLea’h Sampson: @officialleahsampson on Insta, new standup special coming soonZach Zucker: Stamptown tour dates, Jack Tucker Comedy Standup Hour Subscribe to SiriusXM Podcasts+ to listen to new episodes of Bad Dates ad-free. Start a free trial now on Apple Podcasts or by visiting siriusxm.com/podcastsplus.

Smart. Blast. Me. Young. I'm young. He's young. It's fine. He's younger than me, obviously. Very pubescent, but he's legal. You finally got around to you'll understand when you get older.

Yeah, there we go. I am in my Black Auntie era. And I love it so much. I feel so powerful. I feel like Ursula on like Ozempic. Oh, hello and welcome to another episode of Bad Dates brought to you by Smartless Media. I am your host, Joel Kim Booster. Back, back, back again.

You don't know this, but it's been several weeks since I've recorded an episode of my beloved podcast. But through the magic of podcasting, it doesn't feel like that to you. But you'll see, I'll see if you can notice from the way I do this job. As always, we're going to start the podcast off with a bad date story from one of you. I probably should have mentioned up top if you're new to the podcast, it's pretty obvious what it's about. It's right there in the title. This is about bad dates, bad dates, bad hookups, bad situationships, bad relationships, bad marriages, even if you can believe it. We cover it all here with a panel of incredibly funny guests.

But first we're going to be covering one of your tales. This is from Jared. Bad Dates. He says, Dear Bad Dates, I am newly of gay drinking age. Don't know exactly if that's different from straight drinking age, but here we go. And I was in San Francisco for the first time. So my friends decided to go to a gay club together. In the club, a cute guy came up to me, we were dancing for a while and

getting a bit handsy. During the night, his pants ripped near the crotch, he handled the embarrassment well, and I thought it was funny and cute. Eventually he asked if I wanted to go back to his hotel room, to which I agreed. We get in an Uber, and the entire time he's trying to unbuckle my pants, to which I keep pushing him away because I didn't want to jeopardize his Uber rating. As soon as we step out on the curb, he proceeds to vomit all over the sidewalk. I now feel responsible for his well-being and take him up to his room to make sure he is okay. Eventually, I get him to his hotel room to go to sleep when his friend comes into the room. I proceed to make out with the friend a bit before leaving. Unfortunately, the friend was a bad kisser.

So my question is, at one point in the night, should I have tapped out? And is this what I have to look forward to if I go back to a gay club? Well, Jared, here's the thing that I'm just so sorry to inform you of. But this is actually not a gay club problem. This is this is a drinking age problem. You will. This is this is a dealing with men problem, primarily too, I will say. And this will not go away when you get older. It will not go away. Also, this is a problem with fast fashion. Pants will just erupt on you.

Pants will rip. Well, since he's jumping in already, let's just get to our guests, because I want their takes. I think I am the only gay voice on the panel today. So I want these people to convince Jared to stay gay and tell him all about how terrible it is on the other side of the line as well. Joining us is a comedian and actor from shows

like The Mandalorian, WandaVision, and the new series, Deli Boys, streaming now on Hulu. It's Asif Ali. We also have an actress, a comedian, and a writer who has performed on Netflix and Peacock and who proudly says she does her own eyebrows. And may I say, looks absolutely stunning today. Podcasting is not a visual medium, and yet this bitch show, it's Leah Sampson. Thank you. I find any reason to be delusional and just, you know, shower. I love it. I absolutely adore you. And then last but not least, we have an award winning producer and comedian who has appeared at the Just For Laughs Festival on Comedy Central

and the new TBS series, The Joe Schmo Show. It's Zach Zucker, everybody. Hello, hello. And I would also like to say, I would like to set the record straight that I am also a little bit gay and I'm a bisexual. So I can give you the answers from both sides. You are, I'm so glad that I decided to tell

Jared's story on the pod today because you do have a really prescient perspective on this situation. Now I'll start with you Zach. This is something you, we can all agree. This is just what happens when you get around people who are drinking. This behavior is asshole behavior, not gay behavior. True. No, no. Now it's only gay behavior in that there's like some extra sin to it that you

have to deal with with God at the end of your life. Right. No, the only difference is that he's going straight to hell and if you were straight He's going straight to hell And in hell it's a lot harder to get everyone's pants off. It is fast fashion So it is still quick and they crumble but you don't get the result that you're looking for now with normal clothes in the real World, you know, yeah, I just say I think all of it's sin The whole thing? I love that. Now, Leah, I said something that you seemed to resonate with.

When I said this was a dating men problem or dealing with men problem. It's a man thing. I don't care who comes for me, because God knows my heart. I don't give a fuck what you suck. Men are men. Gay, straight, whatever. Men are men. Gay, straight, whatever.

Men are men. That is not a gay problem. It is a I like a man problem. And that will never change. Even exorcisms have been proven to not work. So, and all of it's sinning. All of it's a sin, but it's fun. So that's fine.

But no, this is just dating. This is just dating men. Pastor Samson taking us to church. Yeah. I hate to do this a few days after International Women's Day, because again, I am here. I don't want to work. I don't care. But I started a relationship a few years ago with somebody who we had a party on

New Year's Eve. And at one point, we were good friends, we were deciding if we were going to go for this. And she like brought me outside. And we kissed and about maybe 15 seconds into the kiss, she went, hold on, and then turned to the side and then projectile vomited on to the street. So, you know, again, it could be the fact that there was some gay energy in there that led to this behavior. But it definitely was something that happened. I'll go back to you, Joel. I'll go back to your right. Alcohol. That's the number one.

Period. Alcohol. Men are men. And I will agree with. And bitches be bitches. And drinkers are drinkers. That is. Drinkers. Yes. I feel like that was honestly, I feel like that's such a normal situation that Jared went through.

And he made out with a friend. So like he kept his options open, which is great. That means he didn't fall in love, because that's when that would have been weird. Because I've done that. I'm like, oh my gosh, he bought my drink and didn't drug me. I think we're going to get married. Kind of looks like. If he's now just at legal gay drinking age, which again, could be anywhere between 15 to 45, I'm not entirely sure. Literally.

Jared, good luck to you. I hope that gay adulthood treats you as well as whatever age you are. Currently, I worry that it is not 21. Bad Dates Bad Dates Asif, please tell me a little bit about the context of where you're at right now, lovewise. Are you in a relationship? Are you a dater? Are you a serial monogamous? What's your deal?

I'm single right now. Yeah, I usually would. I was in a relationship for like two years and then it's been about I want to say about eight months now No about a year about ten months now and so I feel like I'm ready to You know get back out there. Yeah. I mean when you know specifically the month That tells me that you're really over it. Yeah To the day to the hour Yeah, it tells me you're emotionally open and ready and not a.

Yeah, of course. At all. I'm ready to go. I'm ready to go. Amazing. So tell me where in your life does this story take place? So this was in Los Angeles. Can you imagine Hollywood? This is 2000, maybe 17 maybe. Okay. And see, see how you had to think about it. That means you're truly over it. This was like the glory days of the Arclight synodome.

Oh yeah. This was the Cinerama. The pandemic. Yeah. Amoeba Records was still Cinerama. The pandemic. Oh, I'm riding high. In the first Trump presidency. The city was romantic. Yeah. We love a Wikipedia intro to a movie. Yes. And so I was on the apps. I don't hate the apps. I feel like a lot of people have bad experiences on the apps. For some reason, my experiences have been pretty normal, very normal. And so I was talking to this girl and it was going great.

You know, we were chatting and we were really hitting it off, pretty responsive. And I was like, hey, let's go out. What kind of food are you into? And she was like, you know, I'm into Mexican food. And I was like, great. There's a Mexican place nearby me. Why don't we meet up there? We can get some food. We can meet up, blah, great, there's a Mexican place nearby me. Why don't we meet up there? We can get some food, we can meet up, blah, blah, blah. So we meet up.

Sounds pretty normal so far. Pretty normal standard stuff. We meet up, you know, faces are matching the pictures, you know, all those immediate, you know, those are all green flags, right? So then we're eating, we're having a conversation, and then I realize about 10 minutes into the conversation that this very responsive woman that I was speaking to

or just texting on the apps has not looked up from her phone. Oh. She's doing this weird thing where she's just like buried in her phone and then we'll look up and just have like a two word response. And how long was she, like, why did it take you so long

to notice this behavior, Asif? Because Joel, I was in it, you know? I was romanticizing what this was gonna be. So I was like, you know what, maybe people, I've been, you know, it took me a while to open up when it came to dating and socializing. So I was like, okay, maybe a little bit socially awkward. It's the first time we're meeting each other in real life So maybe you know people take a little bit to open up

So I was like, you know what? Yeah, I'm just gonna you know power through this and maybe you know in a couple minutes You know, we're eating and stuff Did not look up from the phone and then proceeded to start to just show me like memes. Oh no. So she was she was she was scrolling Twitter this. Yes. But what type of memes that we're not asking the right questions. Oh they were just like random ass just sort of like these are like you know mid 2000s memes of like when when he comes

home and does a blah blah blah just like bullshit you know a random photo with like text on the top. She's not the gay legal drinking age. No no no. We're we're broke ass people we're like in our 20s so this is not like a I'm 18 or something like that and I just found it very confusing confusing. And initially I was just like, oh, that's funny, that's funny, meme or whatever. But you know, tell me about your parents

or your siblings or whatever. And I found that what I was doing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I found it to be so confusing because we were, now I had finished, I'd finished eating a burrito. So I was like, okay. And I found that- You were ready to eat some taco. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Your boy was ready. That's what I'm saying. That's what I'm saying. And I was wearing that on a t-shirt. And I was talking to her and I was trying to get just human information. And then I found that I was doing something that I have since coined as like Jimmy Falloning it, where it is where you are now hanging

on both sides of the conversation and now you are laughing for both people and you are just trying to just through sheer force of will, trying to make this into something that it is clearly not. This is a clearly one-sided kind of thing. And I was hoping that Jimmy founding it, you were like pulling out, you know, references of photos and being like, can you believe this is you when you were in court grade? And then smacking the table really hard.

Yeah, I was just laughing too much and it was unnecessary. I thought you were going to say like, I was like, I was, I was going to say you say absolutely. We got a cut yeah by the way we won't be using that no reason yeah actually leave it in but just read what I said just so that yeah scream screaming at all it's not even I can still go on the show something this is like early on right so I. Okay, so this was like early on, right? So I'm doing this and this is like early on when I started dating. So I was like, you know what?

Fuck it, let's see. Maybe something else, maybe we need to just move venues. Huge mistake. Never go to the second location if first location is this fucking boring. So then I'm like, okay, maybe if we get a drink, maybe things will turn around, right? Maybe it might be like a loosen up situation.

We go to a place, it's right down the street, just buried, still buried in the phone. And at one point I'm like, what, is there something going on in your phone? And her boyfriend's on a jail. Yeah. Trump has just tweeted Kofifei, and she can't, she can't get enough.

And she's like, no, no, no, what, I mean, what? And just was like completely being weird about it. And so I initially just, I just hit a wall at one point, and I was just like, all right, listen, man, I've, in my head, I'm like, you've done everything you could possibly do. This person is a type of weird that you can't even, I don't even know how to work around this.

She has not had a pulse for about 15 minutes and you're still on her like clear, like one more go. Let's see if we can get this heartbeat, this to stop flatlining. Right, and because the conversation on the apps and like over text messages was so great. Because it was on the phone. Because it was on the phone. Because it was on the phone.

Which she seems to be in love with. Yeah. Yeah, it's her home base. Here she is doing that moment when you go from being on the phone to realize that you got nothing to say. And it's Mr. Bean just like, yeah. And so I was like, okay, maybe this is just what this is, whatever, just chalk it up to the game, whatever.

I'm going to go home. This is very, this is too what this is, whatever, just chalk it up to the game, whatever. I'm gonna go home, this is very, this is too much work. I go home and then she texts me like the next day being like, that was so fun, when are we gonna hang out again? And I'm like, is this, am I being pranked right now? Is this like a mental patient that I was catfished into going out with?

And like what world is she living in that that was a great night? Like she went home being like killed it again. This is my husband. I mean if you zoom out for a second and you're one of her friends, you're like, how was your night? Well, I went out with a handsome, talented comedian

and actor and I got to show him my favorite memes. Sounds like a pretty good night. And I assume she got fed as well. That's a suc- that's suc- Oh yeah. Yeah, that's true. So on her end it was pretty successful. I know you're a gentleman. And then I was texting, and then she was, she texted me like

when are we gonna go out again? And I go, I, I truthfully I don't understand. She said when you're hungry? Yeah. I was like I don't understand, truthfully I don't know when you're hungry. I was like, I don't understand truth. I don't understand what happened yesterday. I feel like we weren't like having a conversation and you were just in your phone the whole time. And, and I just don't feel like, you know, you seem nice, but I don't feel like, you know,

we have like a, you know, the maturity on you to actually give her the note and not just go to the woman is kind of remarkable. Communicative king. Yeah, because it was so beyond like, oh, if you just weren't vibing and you're like, ah, whatever, it is what it is. We both understood what was going on and we don't really need to explain.

But when a date is that weird and then someone comes in with the energy of like, so obviously this was the greatest night of my life. That's why I felt like I had to be like, oh, no, no, no, I have to like lay this down for you because I don't want you to continue to think that we're still in a thing right now. No, and good for you for doing that. Asif, really quickly, do you think that she showed you the memes because she knew you were a comedian and for so many normal people, quote unquote, I will say, I do think memes, we can speak as comedians on this.

I think memes have sort of ruined a lot of people's comedic sensibilities in a big way. of these memes, the joke is this it's exactly that scene in Devil Wears Prada where she's like where it's like we make the jokes and then somehow they filter through the internet and then get slapped on a photo of a real housewife yelling at a cat and then they and then they think that they have discovered that joke through the meme meanwhile they don't know that it started at an open mic in Brooklyn in the back of a bar and then trickled down through The system into a meme. Yeah, they think because we're comedians too. That's that's what that's all we want. Yeah No, I'm here because I'm horny. I'm ovulating. I'm hungry. I need Thank you so much, Pastor Ali for the sermon. Give it up to God.

Next, another woman of God, Saint, even. Hallelujah. Ma'am, Leah. Same question that I asked Asif. What is your current status and what is your style, would you say, what's your history like? Okay, well, history, concerning. Concerning?

I would. Open the dossier. No, real talk. Please, she was on the list. I always tell my friends, every list. I always tell my friends, you can tell my mental state based on who I'm dating. Every, like without it, like every time. So actually right now, I don't know if you can really see, but there's a bunch of sports stuff behind me. I'm seeing some guy right now. He's my new victim and he let me

He has great Wi-Fi so I'm using his room I'm surrounded by pops and We have reptar and He's a collector Holy shit Is a day drinking age I'm from Texas. So he's technically 37. This is like Let's talk about somebody who wasn't a keeper in your dating history set the scene. Where are we in your life? What year is it? How are you feeling? Why did you how did you find yourself in this situation? My brother is a DJ.

This was in Austin, Texas. He's a DJ. You could tell like, yeah, our father was not around a lot. I'm a comedian, actress. He's a DJ. Like, you know, it all checks out, right? So he had this event and he was like, come through. I was like, of course.

So I pull up. So it was really dark. There was this guy and he was tall. He was dressed, I'm a sucker for a smile and you're dressing good. Nice smile, dressing good. And so me and the guy start talking. So then I'm leaving and he's like,

oh, can I get your number? Sure, I give him my number. Cause I was like, you're not the IRS, you're not the bill collector. Let's get busy. Cause I never get my number out for those reasons. And I'm not even trying to be funny. College is hard.

You've been served. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. Type shit like I'm scared. For real, I'm scared of that shit. So that's the IRS trick that they haven't used yet, which is hot guys serving. And it's always when you're like. And they always serve you when it's like,

you're really enjoying yourself. Like a Ross, frozen yogurt, like it's like you're really enjoying yourself like a Ross Frozen yogurt play like it's a target. No, that's why I avoid those places all the spots. I'm not about to get served I'm nobody served any mittens. I can afford to not be at sex off if yeah at all ever So fast forward he did everything that we will want in a man, right? He Especially you the straight one. But no, like he was, he did everything that you would want a man to do. He was, he started texting me the next day.

We were having a good conversation. He was following up. He was doing pushups all the time. Made plans. Yeah, he made plans, right? That's a big green flag. He made plans. He was like, hey, I wanna see you.

I wanna take you to dinner. Cool, everything's great. That's a big green flag. He made plans. He was like, hey, I want to see you. I want to take you to dinner. Cool. I would think it's great. So then he goes, tomorrow I got a spot for us. I'll pick you up. I said, oh my gosh, you have a car? I'm in.

So then, Wow. The next day, and he's doing everything perfect, y'all. He's following up. He's like, good morning. Almost too perfect. Hey, almost too motherfucking too up. He's like, good morning. Almost too perfect. Almost too motherfucking too perfect.

It feels like we're coming to some sort of twist in the story. And the documentary begins. Yeah. OK. Yeah, and then fucking what's the due from law and order? Mr. Wolf pops up. Yeah.

But he picks me up. He's like, yeah, I'm outside. I'm here. You know, cool, cool. Everything. No reflex. I go outside. Fiat. First one. The first reflect. It's a fiat. Now, mind you, again, I'm like, OK. It was Austin, Texas.

All of my friends are lesbians. I've been in a fiat. But it was just experience Italian vehicles before. I have an Italian loafer with wheels. Yes, I've I've I've been Italian vehicles before. I have. An Italian loafer with wheels. Yes, I've been around the block. But that kind of threw me off a little bit. Mind you, this was for context, tall, I think he was African, tall, big black dude, right? So I'm like, Fiat.

Oh, this wasn't a choice. This was a necessity. This is a circumstance. There was no ultimate you went on. Right. This car. And this was this was. Yeah. This was the prize package was a brand new Fiat. Like you had to have this car for whatever reason.

So that's for again, the car. So the red flag is he didn't open the door, open the door, open the door. It's not that big of a deal, open, and maybe it's a Southern thing, open the door. I was gonna say, I was like, it's easy. That's a Southern thing, yeah. If you're in Texas, then absolutely be open in that part of the world. Yes, you have to open the door.

Open the door, and it takes nothing, and women, we're pathetic, we are, we are. And we're in the car, he didn't tell me where we were going, so that made me feel like I was being kidnapped, because he started driving, he didn't tell me where we were going. Fast that made me feel like I was being kidnapped because he started driving and he didn't tell me where we were going. Fast forward, continue, we're going, going, going, going. We're talking whatever.

How fast was he driving? Oh, how fast does the Fiat go? Okay, fair enough, fair enough. I answered my own question. That's my fault. My bad, my bad. It depends how much you want to impress the person in the car. So we're having a conversation 20 miles an hour.

A down to the fucking metal. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So we're having a conversation 20 miles an hour. And- Down to 405. Pedal to the fucking metal. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like he's driving you from gate to gate in the airport on one of those airport movers. He's shuttling you across. No, literally.

Like, what? And so he said, where do you want to go? I look up all these places. I'm like, oh, because Austin's, you know, you have been asked. Austin's real cute. There's lots of the restaurant stuff, lots of vegan shit. And so I was like, oh, there's the data. He goes, well, I'm vegan.

I go, oh, perfect. There's lots of vegan restaurants that I like. This is all good. He goes, let's go to Happy Chicks. Happy Chicks is like a Buffalo. You know what Buffalo Wild Wings is? Yes. Yes. A lot of TV. So, yes, all that beer. Men that lost their kids in the 90s,

like from domestic abuse, like all that. Watching UFC, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But you're vegan, why are we going there? He's like, oh, they have vegan options. Okay. Okay, fast forward, while we're driving, he parks, y'all, I'm trying to make this so quick, but the date was so fucking ridiculous,

it was so ridiculous,. It was so ridiculous. He pulls out a handicap. Oh, yes. Yeah. Yeah. I said, I was like, I haven't heard a lisp. I haven't seen a cockey. What is what? I was like, you're parking in the front, but you're parking in the front. Yeah. I was like, what's your disability?

He goes, oh, no, my mom is disabled. Yeah. She let me park. This seems like an opportunistic hustler. Yeah goes, oh no, my mom is disabled. So she let me ask her to park. This seems like an opportunistic hustler. Yeah, this is a businessman. Yeah, yeah. And that's fine, because I appreciate the mindset. But the thing is, it was like a Tuesday. Free parking everywhere.

Also, and like do this a few months in being like, hey baby, isn't this pretty funny? What do you think? Like to date you that night one is so, you know. If you would have done that, I would have been like, oh my gosh, type shit type shit. Once you know his night one is, you know, I would have like, oh, my gosh, type shit. What's once you know, once you know his mom's name and once you've met her, then you can use her disabled parking.

Yeah. Handicapped placard first date is wild, wild behavior. Pull that out on a Saturday night on a Saturday night where they like, I got you. See how smart and enterprising I am. You know, it's 730 on a Tuesday. Cut it out. Wow. Stolen Valor is only okay on the weekends, for sure. Stolen Valor on the weekdays is a sin. It's disrespectful, honestly.

It's deranged, yeah. It's deranged. Yeah. Fast forward. So we get into the restaurant. He quickly, because you parked up front. We sit down at the bar for two seconds. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, I had valet. It was valet. Okay. It was valet. Okay. It was handicapped. He valeted you to the spot right there. My foot got out the car. My foot was already in the door. It's like, it was just right, we were basically parked

in the building. And he was committed to it. So he made you walk up the ramp part and not take the stairs. I strided. Oh, and he was wearing like, jog, dusty joggers, plaid shirt, slats, two different socks. He looked like he was about to wash a car. Like it was not a first day.

I had a new wig on. I showered. I had put a little my sheens finest. Like I I came with the shits. So fast forward. We're at the bar. He disappears. He comes back, I said, what are you doing? He's like, oh, I rolled up a blunt for us. I'm like, green flag.

We're green flag because he could afford weed. But I was like, I don't understand that. I'm like, why did you go? He's like, I saved up all this money on this Fiat, yeah. Yes. All these parking fees I don't have to pay. I can buy some weed once a month. Literally with my mom's handicap sticker because she got injured back at a factory in the 80s.

Oh my god. Why are you doing that? So then he comes back. Then he goes to the bathroom. He brings out the whole you know those rest of the bars where like it's the whole roll of toilet paper like it's huge like the big big old roll. Oh yeah and it's thinner than a piece of paper. Yeah. Oh, my God. Yes.

He brings it to the bar and I go, what is happening? He goes, I have allergies. OK, fast forward. He starts talking about how he's in aviation. I was like, well, this is a lie. And then you talk to me. I mean, truthfully, he could have said anything and it would have been a thing. Yeah, I'm a manager and zoomies.

Now would it be like, sure, bullshit, dude? I love Supreme. I love Supreme. So then and this is all a true story. I'm not like I wish this was a fake. So it was so no, it gets crazier. So then we're talking. I'm not listening. He's talking, I'm not listening, he's talking, I'm not listening.

Then the bartender can see what's going on, she's like, we need to save her. So she starts giving us shots. She gives us like two shots, nothing crazy. So then the check comes. Oh no, he orders his food. So here's the vegan stuff. He orders the kids' meal.

The kids' meal vegan chicken tenders. And then it came with a little apple juice. No, the barter goes, what would you like fruit, fruit or mac and cheese? He goes, he's like the fruit. I was like, after he eats it, he's like, I'm about to take her home. I'm about to bust it open. When she sees me open up this little stab, this little apple juice box, she'll get it. I'm about to just pour this. Meanwhile, he's drawing, he's like doing a child's puzzle

on a crayon sheet in front of him at the bar. Wait until I finish this maze, that pussy is mine. Yeah. Oh, no, literally. Like if they were like, hey, is it, do you want a toy, the puzzle or pussy? He's like, hmm, what's the image? Is it millions?

Literally, no, he was on that type of time. And so I'm just flabbergasted. So then he so I get like all the car, all the car, because I'm like, I don't I do it too much. So I'll look hard like two chicken strips. Yeah. So which is like what, 40 cents? Yes. Then the check comes and the and the woman she brings a check. She gives it to him. He goes, of course.

You got your half. Oh, I said, um. No, I don't have 50 cents in change right now, actually. I just have a debit card. He's like, oh, so I'm supposed to pay for this? Wow, he's a feminist. It's my birthday. That's what I'm saying. I thought we were breaking the glass ceiling.

What is this bullshit? He goes, my birthday. Why am I paying for this? Oh my God. What is this bullshit? He goes, my birthday. Why am I paying for it? It was his birthday. Allegedly. I'm like, you're spending your and here's the gag, y'all. The check does how much the check was. Spit out numbers. Twenty six thirty four.

Fourteen ninety seven. Eleven dollars. OK. OK. It was nineteen eighty seven. That's insane. Wow. The check was $19. That was the proof of my anxiety. I was so scared to eat. I got two ticket strips a la carte. It was like four bucks. The check was $19.79. And he was like, whatever, I'll pay it. So he throws on a 20 dollar bill, doesn't tip the bartender. Well, good over here. And I was like. And so he leaves. And then the waitresses are like, we need to hide you.

So they take me. So he starts beating on the door. This is all like this all happened in what, what, two hours. He's banging on the door. They put me in the kitchen and then, oh, my God, these women. No, it was a holy shit. These are heroes. Shout to the bar. There's a happy chicks on 6th Street. Yeah. Thank you.

They knew what was up. They're like, this is weird. This is like we could tell this some weird shit. Yeah. In the kitchen. He's banging on the door. And then this is going to get really cute. I know it's like crazy right now, but it's like, yeah. He calls me. He goes, what? Where the fuck are you?

And I go, if you call me again, as you keep making the door, I'm calling the cops. Now for a black woman in Texas to be like, I will happily call the police, takes a lot. Yeah. Yeah. I was like, I will call the cops. And he goes, okay, have a good night.

And I never heard from him again. And then the cooks, and the cooks started flirting with me, but they were cute and they were nice, so it was okay. Okay. And then they're like, let me throw another a la carte on the house for you. Yeah. Okay, that's how you want to do it. You want another chicken tender?

You're like, but your pain is buffering. You were underground railroaded in the Happy Chicks to escape this man. Absolutely. In a fiat. Like the corn rows underneath my wig could not even lead me out of that fucking situation. Bad Dates Bad Dates I just know, having known this man for many years now, that this story is going to be

insane. So last but not least again, Zach Zucker, where are you at now? What's your dating style? What'd you say? I'd say for a while, so for those of you who don't know, I'm like a legitimate, I'm a clown, like I'm a literal, I went to a clown school, I'm a professional clown and I've lived on the road predominantly for a while So for a long time out of just kind of what I had Available to myself. I was kind of pitching myself as a good time Not a long time and if you were up for that and that vibe with what you were looking for then great

We can have you know, I hate to be it's so cringe to say lovers But people that I would reconnect with when I would go to different places and I was in France so I was like, yeah lovers, but people that I would reconnect with when I would go to different places, and I was in France, so I was like, yeah, lovers, of course. And then recently- Yeah, that plays in France. That doesn't play in Texas, I imagine. No, no, no, not so much.

Paris, France, not Paris, Texas. Exactly, exactly. You jump around a lot, but where does your story take place in your timeline, Zach? This was post pandemic 2021, or like we had just, everyone had gotten, we were having our hot vac summers. We're all out there having a good time. And I made it back to the UK and it was my first time there since the pandemic.

And I was kind of like, I just got out of a relationship. I was happy to be back out there. And I was staying with a friend who's like, one of, Joel, I'm sure you have some friends, that you could relate to this. As me as a bi, when I have, I have some gay friends who only look at our friendship as an opportunity of trying to hook up with me.

And it's like, oh, you're bi? Well, we're gonna fuck. And I'm like, well, you have to ask me still. Yeah. Well, I didn't know that about you until today. And that has definitely shifted the course of our friendship, Zach. And for sure, I I was willing to. I just didn't realize I didn't have to to get on the podcast, but I was willing. I was I was asked.

I was trying to go outside the studio. Yeah. No, I mean, I let's be let's be real transparent. I fucked all three of you before. I was it's the only way you can get booked on the pod. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, yeah. It's it's the real it's that Joel Kim boost to my career. All right. And that's the pod, everybody. I think so. And I'm in this. I'm in the guys. So you're much for being in. I'm in this guy's house.

So you're in London with some of your Lettris gay friends. It's with my Lettris gay friends and it's a couple and they're really putting it on me. And I had met a friend of his, this girl who came by, and she and I were like chatty. It was just fun. It was just like, you know, there's like flirting and then there's like you crank the dial

and there's like flirting. There's like just I'm being flirty and having fun and then I'm flirting with intention. And I was just being flirty and having fun. And then she made one comment about like, well, you know, I'm bi and I just started dating this guy who's like really curious and I'm pretty sure you're his type. And I was like, oh, ha ha ha ha ha ha ha, that's fun.

And didn't really think anything of this. And then she just asked this other guy for my number. They got into a fight because he was like, oh, ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha couple before, why not? I'm an adventurous person. If I'm a bisexual clown, I have to live up to the career that I have put forward for myself. What a bio. I know, truly a bio. And it's like we have everything now. We're co-opting the word as the community. And so they invite me over to their place and they're like, hey, you're leaving town, we're leaving town. What if you come over and we have like a nice little like, we have a fun little time, we'll invite you back to our place and we'll see what happens.

And I was like, okay, cool, let me do this. And so I should have known from the address, but I got the postcode, which was in these artist warehouses of London. And these are all the illegal zoning spots that all of the cosplaying poor whites live to pretend that they're enjoying this. We all know, we all know this.

Yeah, yeah. And so, and I should have known when I got there that there was a bunch of unmarked warehouses and I was like, all right, don't love this. I don't know if any of these have like working toilets or showers or if that would. Yeah, no, this is the beginning of a Saw movie that you just did.

Yes. Literally, it's, Kneels on the Floor. Blumhouse presents Zach's dating life. But the worst part about this is it's not the Saw movie where you get killed. It's the type of Saw movie where you know you're going to have the worst hookup of your life. And it's going to happen. And so I go into this room and immediately I see in what could comfortably seat or house four to five people, 13 people, two, three different people with three different types of white dreads,

which I'm like, I love the fact I love Yeah, it was it was a bunch of no Don't oh that that's always a good omen when you see what dreads it's you know, just white dreads and a didgeridoo You've made a mistake And it wasn't and it wasn't like the fun type of white dreads where you're getting like Chet Hanks, like Patois, you know, these are like just normal British people with white dreads, you know? So you're not even getting the fun parts

of the problematic bits of it. Right, oh, that's the, what a waste. Truly, if you're gonna play the part, you know, really take advantage of the world that you're opening up to. Well, Meryl Streep with it. Daniel Day-Lewis, that shit. Exactly, and you've got incense burning

that it's like surely you just picked up. You can't have white dreads and be with a white person. You gotta like. No, no, no, no. You have to at least try and foray somewhere else. You've gotta use that to get in. Try, yeah. And so I'm in there and I'm seeing,

it smells like someone's like, someone's like kind of, you know, saging the place, but it's like, it feels like they just picked up a wood chip from the park and just like lit it on fire. So there's no real, there's no real smell, just more amber and ash. There's like, you know, people chilling with drums. Everyone's kind of, everyone kind of has that like

level of stone where it feels like you're all on a much like heavier drug but everybody I think just was just like high, just kind of hanging out, doing their thing. And a lot of cross-legged sitting that was way too comfortable for the energy that was in the room. You know?

So I quickly, I kinda walk into the room and I see the girl that I remember meeting, but I've not met her boyfriend yet. I'm meeting him for the first time and we're kinda bro-hugging and I'm like, crazy, because we're gonna suck each other's dicks, I think. And so I'm like, hey, what's up, dude? Yeah, hey! I love the theater. I mean, gonna suck each other's dicks I think. And so I'm like hey what's up dude? I love the theater. I mean the theater in London is unparalleled. It's happening everywhere.

It's been in their culture for 4,000 years. It is the land of Shakespeare after all. After we kind of dance in iambic pentameter a bit, we do our little sonnets at each other. I am led on a tour of the place and I see, you know, what is essentially like a summer camp style shower hall and bathrooms with no dividers. So it's like open toilets and showers. Again, a sign for me to go.

But you know, I was like- That's less summer camp and that's more prison, Zach. Yeah. You're describing a prison. Summer camp is the thing where you're outside for one hour a day. A sweet prison. There's a little bit of happiness all around. Yeah, exactly.

It's a Norwegian rehabilitation. Yeah, exactly. And so I get led into the room and, you know, I think all of us are like, how much are we going to play the show of us getting to know each other and how quick are we going to start fucking each other if we decide we want to do that? And I'm starting to notice things like, you know, I'm not loving, I'm not attracted to either of them kind of as the start.

Uh, and I don't, and I, and I, and I, and I. It's a rough place to start. But I was like, you know what, I'm here. This is a new experience. Let me just, that's what I kept telling myself is like, don't, you know, just don't knock until you've tried it. This happens every podcast. We heard it in Asif's story.

We heard it a little bit with Leah's story. But this is comedy. This is comedian brain that has bored, that has removed whatever part of our brains that normal people would say actually no. But you don't get out of there. No, this is not a good idea. You're thinking about the type five that's going to come from this.

You're already being on this podcast. Of course. I'm in this room and we start like they're pouring me some sort of like horrific jungle juice type concoction. And I'm like, this also just sucks. Like, you know, again, we're pulling out the stops. They have a loft, you know, that's like a very small downstairs, their bedrooms upstairs. And you can tell there's like, there is just this anticipatory energy of like, when's it going to start? And eventually it just kind of starts. And he also, I forgot to mention, was wearing a Hawaii, like a really, like, like really loud Hawaiian shirt,

like a really like a, but one from, yeah, it was, it was just, you know, it kind of just felt out of nowhere. It was really fun. It was like one of the details. A rare breed. A Tommy Bahama is bisexual. You don't see those often. Atami Bahama Bi. Atami Bahama, if I will. Atami Bahama. Bahama. Come on. Tied with that.

Money. Atami Bahama. There we go. It's the same shirt. It's just cropped. It's $65. That's Atami Bahama. Okay. Yeah. For real. And so we started hooking up and I remember like, you know, we're kind of going through the motions and I, do people usually get like graphic on here Joel or am I missing Mark? Oh please, it's my podcast.

Okay, okay, perfect, perfect. And basically at one point, we got to the point where she was on top of me. I was safe the entire time and I went condom mode and they were not using a condom. Obviously, they're in a relationship. And he is, how to say, fucking her in the ass and I'm in her vagina. And it was like from the porn where they do a classic, but this was, you know, three non-porn stars doing what is a very high, um, gymnastic-level porn star move.

So we're all three kind of just like, thumping into each other a little bit, and it was like, it was, there was no rhythm. We're kind of like those marbles that are like, you know, this type thing. And so they're describing three white people having sex. Yeah. Okay, please, I would like to think, I're describing three white people having sex. Yeah. Okay, please. I would like to think it was a clown.

I've got some of that circus dancer energy. You know, my hips can jump. Sure. Oh, my God. And it only took me till I was 26 to realize that ladies could have an orgasm as well. So... Wow. Allegedly, allegedly.

And, uh, and eventually, there was a moment in there where she was like, I forgot how it started, but they started dirty talking a bit more. And it started to be more about the two of them of her being like, are you loving, are you loving seeing, you're seeing, you're seeing me get just double teem by these two hot guys and this and this comedian, this clown. And then she started calling me her sexy fuck clown. Oh my gosh. Sexy fuck clown? And then she me her sexy fuck clown. Oh, my gosh. Sexy fuck clown?

And then she called me sexy fuck clown, and that's when I kind of started to tap out a little bit. And I was like, all right, now I'm starting to remember that this is like, it's already probably, I've got my material, if I'm gonna talk about this on stage, it's time to go, it's time to get out of here. But not before we switched, so then it was my turn to go. And I eventually, again, I'm like really just having

a hard time with everything that's going on. And I pulled out and of course, the condom is covered in shit. And they don't know this. They can't see they're both face she's facing the other way. He's looking at up at her they're kissing and really loving this. And I very expertly was able to wiggle my fingers underneath the condom and roll it off and turn it inside out dog picking up poop style. Didn't get anything on it. Was able to throw into a trash can and they're still going and I kind of, I tossed it. I went like this. And she then starts going, mm, like eat my ass. Eat my ass while he's fucking me.

Oh no. Oh no. Yeah, so that was kind of the problem area that I had just removed myself from. So I, and what I wish I could have heard myself said was like, mm, nah, let me just watch. Ha ha ha. Eventually they finished, and I was kind of tap, going along like, oh yeah, yeah, I'm a little,

yeah, sexy, who's your sexy fuck clown? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And they- You were hype manning their sex. You were hype manning. I was. No, literally. You were DJ Khaled in the-

I was. I was ad-libbing it. I was kind of me ghosting their sex right there. Be like, you know? And yeah, I've not been with a couple or had any group sex since. So I think that's what I learned from that. That's such a shame.

I hate that the British have ruined yet one other thing for us. Thank you, Rabbi Zucker, for that incredible whatever you guys call sermons. And the blessings to all of you as well. Bad dates. So guys, that was our show. Three incredible Hall of Fame stories, I have to say. Before I let you guys go though, Asif, where can people find you? I know Deli Boys is now shooting on Hulu.

Incredible show. Congratulations on that. Thank you so much. Anything else going on? Where can the people find you? I'll be on the road starting April, so you can find my dates and everything on my Instagram at Ali Comedy, A-L-I Comedy. Amazing.

Leah, where can people find you? What are you doing these days? On Cops, and... Um... You're on Cops? Hell yeah. Yeah, because I dated once. But...

No. What? I can't admit that. No, you can catch me on Instagram. Official Leah Sampson. I do have a go to my Instagram, officialleasamson. I do have a comedy special coming out, produced by Kevin Hart. Woo!

Nice! Amazing! That'll be out pretty soon. So yeah, just follow me for show dates. Be on the lookout for that. I cannot wait to watch that. Officialleasamson. Officialleasamson.

Thank you, Joe. Appreciate you. And finally, Zack Zucker, what are you doing these days? Where can people find you? I'm kind of like gluing my bio to the back of my head shots, trying to find representation. I'm kind of hanging out at the Hollywood cafes. No, I have.

That's it? That's it? Yeah. That's what we all do? At the Kwanok's lobby. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, exactly, exactly. I do a show called Stamptown.

We're going to be doing shows in New York and LA and London and Austin coming up. I tour a solo show called Jack Tucker Comedy Stand Up Hour. We're putting some new shows out there as well and we'll be touring the US, the UK and Australia. And there's a few movies that will hopefully one day come out and if they don't, then don't worry about it. But if they do, that would be sick.

I would love that. A plug and a threat. Yes. Thank you so much, Zach Zucker. That's been the show. Listen, you guys, if you have a story of your own that you'd like us to address on the pod, email us at baddatespod at gmail.com. That's baddatespod at gmail.com. We love hearing from you. We love giving you impeccable advice like you heard on today's podcast. If you like what you heard today, go and rate and review us on the podcasting app of your choice. It really helps other people find the podcast. Five stars, please.

Even if it's a bad review, leave us five stars. Many people have and it makes me laugh every time. Really brightens my day. That's awesome. But until next time, I'm Joel Kim Booster. This has been Bad Dates. Bye bye. Bad Dates is a production of Smartless Media

created by Robert Cohen. Executive producers are Robert Cohen and Stuart Bailey. Produced, edited, and engineered by Devon Torrey Bryant. Produced by Anne Harris. Edited by Kyle McGrath. Associate producer is Maddie McCann. Social media producer is Tommy Galgana. Executive producers are Sean Hayes, Will Arnett, and Jason Bateman. Executive producers for Smartless Media are Richard

Corson and Bernie Kaminski. Music by Kushi and Eben Schleder. If you've had a bad date or would like our advice on any dating issues, please tell us about it at baddatespod at gmail.com or call us at 984-265-3283. That's 984-265-3283. That's all for this week. We will be back for more Bad Dates. It's smart. Bless me.