Bad Dates with Jameela Jamil - Top Titty Meat (w/ Michelle Buteau, Josh Johnson, and Jordan Carlos)

Episode Date: July 24, 2023

On this episode of Bad Dates, Jameela welcomes comedians Michelle Buteau (First Wives Club, Clerks III), Josh Johnson (The Daily Show, Hashtag), and Jordan Carlos (Everything Is Trash, The Drew Barrymore Show) to discuss their most iconic dating fiascos. Michelle’s cab fun is hampered by the wrong gum, and she makes a fetish ditch that leads to an upgrade switch, Josh goes mini golf cruising with a maximum bruiser, and Jordan tells us about the fender bender that was a prom night upender. If you’ve had a bad date you’d like to tell us about, our number is 984-265-3283, and our email is [e-mail], we can’t wait to hear all about it.Tickets for Michelle Buteau’s upcoming tour Full Heart, Tight Jeans can be found at michellebuteau.org. Jordan Carlos co-hosts the podcast Adulting with Michelle, and his tour dates are available at jordancarloscomic.com. Josh Johnson hosts the podcast The Josh Johnson Show, and his stand-up dates are available at joshjohnsoncomedy.com.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

I think right now I'm putting out a vibe that is not my most fun. Mm-hmm. Mm. Thank you for bringing your best energy to my podcast today, George. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha I'm doing well. Maintain it. Everyone else been okay, locating all of their body parts? Yeah, I newly, I newly haven't any actually, so I'm good. Thank you so much for caring. Congratulations, man. Thank you, thank you guys.

It was a dream. I'm lucky on my wrist strength. I have a pull-up bar that I just do dead hangs, and I, because they're so skinny, they're very dainty. I don't even feel like black men should be hanging from anything any more Josh but you fuck me Christ. I'm so much for the

the last for the little oh for the last guys guys it's very clear that Josh has just been wanking and he's showing the I've been doing other actors. He's got abs on just one of his wrists. I'm so excited. I love it. I'm thrilled to have you all here. I think you're also funny and gorgeous and I'm dying to hear all of your dating stories. But before I go into all of that,

I just want to know, I like to get a vibe for people's attitudes towards dating. So Jordan, can we start with you? How do you feel about dating? Do you love it? Oh, why do we start with me? Do I love it? I mean, you've given away a lot already. I'm a good counter puncher. I'm a really good counter puncher.

Do I love it? Sure. I'm a great dater. I'll walk you after dinner, have a nice long walk after you gotta have like, Paseo. I don't see what the problem is. It's like, you go to an event together, and it usually ends in, you know, hot,

buck-neg-ed action. I don't understand. Okay, not for everyone. All right, go this, not for everyone. Not for all of us. I do love my blurs, my black nerds. They are so cute, and they just keep group on alive. 100%, 100%. my blurs, my black nerds, they are so cute and they just keep group on alive.

A hundred, a hundred percent. Josh, she's talking to both of us here. Oh, no, I know. Josh, how do you feel about dating? Do you have as robust and confident in opinion as Jordan? Not as confident of, for me, dating is usually finding out who's not right for me $80 at a time. Oh, it's just.

It's just. You're getting off cheap, bro. We're all like puzzle pieces and most pieces, just like when you're doing a real puzzle, most pieces don't fit. Like most people, you will be. Ooh, baby. Yeah, I mean, it will make sense. So on a long enough timeline, yes, you meet your person and it's great and it's very fun,

but on the way, and especially between people you're compatible with, it's just everyone that you're not. You know, like when you're putting that fruit basket puzzle together, you're not going to be able to, you know, put the piece that goes with the orange, with the piece that goes with a banana, it's just never gonna happen. So I'm doing great. And it these are sort of sexy analogies that you present during the day.

Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. Like this is when it's on the date, I'm like, you know, like you're an orange, you're on banana, and she's like, what are you talking about? I was like, I'll just check. Michelle, will you tell me how you feel about dating? I imagine you are such a fun fucking date.

You know what, I am a fun date, but I'm tired of showing up for other people. I was a fun date for them. Everyone was like, oh, this is really good. Should we do this again? I'm like, no, I was not interested. And they're like, but you seem so interested. It's like, it's like an emotional late night

expensive interview, but no LinkedIn connection. You know what I mean? I'm like, yeah, I gave my best foot forward. I'm like, Josh here and I just kidding. Just kidding. Come on. You know, and so I know how to make it nice, but I want someone to be the funny one

to also be engaging and have something else to say besides me. You know, what is dating? You know, like you're spending your money, I don't even want you to spend your money on me. I could buy my own drink, bitch. You know what I mean? Like, I don't want to have to ask you for a second one. Get outta here!

And then I got to like touch your dick because you got chicken sad take. Get the fuck outta here! I can make my own sad say, bitch! It's a peanut sauce. It's not that hard. Bad dates. Bad dates. Michelle, you are up now with first pancake. Not going to get it right.

That's right. And that's inspired by Jordan, because he always says that when we know we're trying something on stage and he's like, it's okay, it doesn't have to be right. And that's exactly what dating is for me. It feels like too many choices, I hate buffets, I never know how to go. It's beef stroganoff and cottage cheese on one plate, it's disgusting. And that's how dating feels sometimes. So okay, so in my mid 20s, I started making a little bit of money and then Zara came out with an extra large. Now as a plus size woman and all this top-titting me

I was very excited to wear a blazer that never button because at least it hugged the back fat and I was loud and proud. Okay, and so my friends and I love dancing because we did have the good knees back then. And so we used to go to this place called Gonzales, Iconzales in the West Village. If you haven't been, please go. If you can't afford to go to Cuba, you better go to Gonzales and have $40 for an overpriced case of deal because it delicious. And so I went with a handful of friends and yeah, man, I was looking and feeling fine as fuck. Like I had my express jeans on the boot cut ones.

I just got with the coupon on the wall. I was like, give me that one size 13. I know you got it in the back. And then I had a white blazer on from Zara, looking like I was about to like pass out the collection basket on Easter at church. But here I was. And I had a Perry Winkle silky satin fucking tank top top

to the meat out here. Ray to motorboat anyone that was shorter than me. I was looking good as fuck. And so when we went to Kazalzi, Kazalzi, my friends are just like, you look good girl. I don't know what that glow is. And I'm just like a debit card.

And I met this, I met this Dominican guy that spoke, I mean, when I say no English, it's no shame on him. It might Spanish is horrible. We were just pointing at shit. Like we need to translate our nine day fiancee. You know what I mean? It is what it is. And but he spawned me like he meant it.

I felt like Shakira and JLo. I felt like dancing with the stars, 10, 10, 10, all across the board. I was like, this is Ena. And like, he had this like brown Adam's apple that I just kept looking at. I say so sexy. They're like, what's his name? I said Dominic and got, I don't know.

Because he was giving Dominic and a baseball player. There were sweats, socks and pant and leather shoes. But I said, boy, you better wear your good shoes out on a Friday night. And so because I was feeling myself, I'm like, I'm gonna take them home. And two of my friends who necessary. Run the Monday, the bus. No reason. I wasn't going to throw up that. Give us all to the story whatsoever.

Yeah. So this isn't like, this is like a girls night out. I might have the two friends who are shit, or also that. Anyway. But this could not even afford that own. Because Dia were eating my leftovers. Anyway. But this is like, of those like girls night out, where you like meet someone and then you like leave the pack.

And that's very fun too, because that's like an impromptu day. And you're like, okay, I have more chemistry with this guy. It's like you get to ring the bell, isn't it? It's like ding, ding, ding, go on. Yes, it was giving me Charlotte, only I hopped the fence. And so anyways, you guys, nobody got it. So we get to

attack me. And off the fridgerton, yes, I know. Yeah, go ahead. And he gives me, he just puts a piece of gum in my mouth. I'm like, okay, I understand. Like I guess it was the onions from the case of Dia. It is what it is. I guess my bread. I don't know. He put a piece of gum in my mouth. We're making out. He puts gum in my mouth. And I was just like, grassy. Gracias and you know, my friends really, my friends really gas me up and they're like,

you're so hot. You're so fucking fine. You're so sexy. Any man will be lucky to heat. And when you like think that you're that hot, I'm like, oh, I'm going to do hot people things. And I thought one of like a hot person thing to do was do something nasty in public. So I was like, I'm gonna do something nasty in public.

You know, I'll eat with your hands or. Sure. Go ahead. Yes. I mean, essentially, yes. And I was like, okay, here we go. I could tell everything was working down. Stay honey. So I was like, here we go. I could tell everything was working down still. Honey, so I was like, here we go. And I went down to San Tode de Mingo. Wait, where, where? Real quick. In the back seat of the taxi. In the back seat of the taxi.

God, and they're so, like, when was this? You were giving CSI bad dates. I don't remember the dates. I have bad dates. Because I need to know, because it's a New York yellow cab. You are a battery. You are an 8-inch from that driver. There was truly just a tiny piece of a thin piece of plastic

between the two of you. Oh, it was definitely giving panic room in a closet. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was definitely giving panic room. It was teeny tiny. And with my lockjaw, I was really out here just doing God's work. It's cracking right now. And what I forgot was that I had gum in my mouth. And so when I pulled back up, I was like, uh-oh.

So sorry, God, this really is Minty Fresh. And it was hurting him. And he was like, no, no, no. And I was like, most of the end, though, I wish I would have paid more attention in Spanish class. And so he essentially like kicked me out so he can go to the hospital. And I was like, wow, and this was before sex sent me to the ER was even a show on TLC,

which is really the learning channel because I didn't even know. And so, yeah, that was, that was definitely a bad date. Is everybody okay? Everyone's giving home a lone face. No, you burned his cock with chewing gum. I didn't even know that was a thing. I didn't either.

Was it juicy fruit or what brand? No, juicy fruit would be fine. That's got, it's gillian, wrigglies. Yeah, crystals, tin teeth. Flavor crystals, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, it was, it was bigger than a chicle. You know what, he's the one he put that gum in your mouth. I hold him at least partially responsible. I've got your back Michelle.

Thank you so much. Yeah, he was just taking the onions on the chin. A dick injury on a date is really upsetting. I had a flat-night one who was doing reverse cowgirl with his girlfriend and she snapped his banjo string. And I'm sorry everyone that I said any of this. What's your banjo string? It's his John Toss. Go on, go on, that's. His dick then.

Oh, yeah, yeah, got it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I do, I do like that. I just like reverse cowgirl or breaking you down. I don't even have a dick. My vagina hurts, just talking about it. I'm really sorry, I said it. Sorry, I called it a ban a dick. My vagina hurts. Just talking about it. I'm really sorry.

I said it. Sorry. I called it a banjo string. Let's move on. Um, yeah. That's what happens when I go bear back. Crossed real tight. Just that.

Not mine. Mine opened a little bit wider. That's a banjo string. Like a little bit wet, Michelle. Um, okay. So, 145 and still got it. Yeah. Michelle, Um, okay. So, like 45, I still got it. Yeah. Ha, ha, ha.

Michelle, you have one more story, no? Oh my God, you guys, I'm so excited because I've been with my kids all week, so here the fuck we are. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. I met this guy and he was a musician, heavy air quotes, heavy. It was a lot of copies on YouTube, but jobless. Sensing a theme, heavy. It was a lot of copies on YouTube, but jobless. Sensing a theme, Michelle. He always had a suitcase. And I said, where you going? He's like, oh, it just came from a friend's house.

I said, wait, you have your own home. And he's all in between. And there was always like a very well crafted story with like a southern accent. I said, that sounds cool. I guess. And he's like drifting, or is he more of a sort of ed share and, you know, who was like sleeping on Jamie Foxx's couch and all these different people when he was making it? I think it's a little bit of both. Okay. Do you know what I mean?

Like, he was a good singer, but he would definitely go to the promenade with his CDs and a hat and try to work for tips. Okay, we're like, look, I do because we have been out on the street corner handing out flyers being like free comedy show so he comes to New York and You know, I'm like okay. We're both starving artists, but at least like I opened up a credit card that's going through And I take him to all the free things central park time square time square I had no idea all of a sudden he had $25 cash and got a new suitcase. I said, okay, you feel it fancy got a new suitcase and shit

And so we're roaming around the city and end up at this place that I love in the lower east side to have dinner and As we're having dinner. He's like I would love to take you dancing I was like, well what money and he's like do you know any free places? I say yes, I do so we had In a taxi that I'm paying for you guys. And so the suitcase is sitting between us and we're sucking traffic on the ones where bridge. And I was just like, you know, a couple of Sanctuary is in. I'm like, what's going on?

Cause I wanna know like what's going on. You know what I mean? Like what are we doing tonight? Do I have to go home and clean my bathroom? Like are we taking a shower again? What's going on? And cause that's what I like to do. I like to take people home and clean my bathroom? Like are we taking a shower again? Oh no. And cause that's what I like to do. I like to take people home and put them in the shower

because you dick is gross. So, um. Lord almighty. I do. Look. I'm giving you a chance. Listen, yeah. No one wants disco dick.

I understand. You know what I mean? We already talking about the way we're all here. I'm also taking a little shower. I'm sure everyone's having a nice little shower. I think it's- Nobody wants a falafel dick. So, um, what are we talking? What's on that falafel, though?

You know, like, I mean, it was tiny. Was that tahini? Tahini to believe. I look over at him. I was just like, how do you feel about me? Like, what's going on here? Like, do you like it? Like, you know, I feel like there's a connection.

It was a check in and you're right. I do like to know what's happening. And he was a white boy and he straight up said, you know, I really like you, but if I'm gonna be with a black girl, she's gonna have darker skin. And I said, that's not nice. Now it sounds like you got a fetish.

This is racist. He's like, no, I'm not racist. It's the opposite. I said, no, no, no. It's fetish. This is racing. He's like, no, I'm not racist. It's the opposite. I said, no, no, no. It's still right. That's crazy. And even the taxi driver is, I don't even know where he was from.

He looked at me and he's just like, bitch, you could do better. He didn't say it. But he was looking at me like, you could do better. So we get- Yeah, look at you in the rear view. That just was like, with the eyes. Yes, he looked at me like, I'm gonna tell my wife the story tonight.

And so, we get to this place, it's called Ben Bay. Hey! Yeah, it's free, it's fun, it's world music. Look, you could take your broke friends there, take your rich friends there, it's fun. And when we get there, it's like, look, this is not gonna work out, you can go have fun, I'm gonna go do me.

It was very bold to even have either of you to have that conversation in traffic on a Williamsburg bridge. So this is a lot more. I didn't think you would go like that. No, that's true. I didn't do that. That's fair. You know what I mean? We have like a wonderful day and I didn't think I was going to go like that. And so the fact that he was crazy enough to say that. It's sort of like someone that cut you off in traffic. You have to recognize when someone's crazy or more ignorant than you. And so I'm like, okay, I, you know, for these reasons I'm out.

Am I the only one who's like the fucking balls on him to even continue to not get out of the cab and leave you alone after saying that. He's still going to the club to find someone that, this is one of the craziest things I've ever heard. Go on, sorry. It does make sense to me though, because it is suitcase confidence. If a person is out in the world, wanting to take a suitcase everywhere, you have to understand it. And on the same playing field as the rest of us, they don't think the way we do.

They're willing to bring their suitcase everywhere. That's not something that we do. So they say things we would never say. That is suitcase confidence. Top to bottom. Yes, literally bringing his baggage literally. True. I love the conviction with which Josh just pulled that out of his arm.

Because I believe in that now. And I'm going to talk about it going forward. I'm going to look for it out in the world. So case confident. So I went in, he stayed upstairs. I went downstairs, got me an overpriced guava drink, cash only. And this other white boy came up to me, I said, you know, I'm so done with these white

boys right now. But he had a nice hat and like good shoes and like minty breath. And he's like, do you want to dance? I said, I don't know. And so we danced. He stepped to my feet a couple of times, bought me some more drinks, spun me. So, okay.

I took him home, had some fun with him, and I ended up marrying that guy. No! There you go. No, this is fucking way. Let's run from a bad date. So what I'm saying, guys, is one bad date can also lead you to your forever nightstand.

Oh my god that gave me chills. Yeah. Yeah. That's crazy. I didn't know the front part of that story. I knew the back part was not the front part. I didn't put it in my wedding vows. You know what I mean Jordan?

Like this is strictly for this podcast and I hope no one listens to it. Meaning my in law. My in laws. My in laws. Everybody else definitely learn from it. Meaning my in-laws, my in-laws, my in-laws. Everybody else definitely learn from it. Oh my goodness. I- That's amazing.

That's truly incredible. Are you okay? Yes. As we said, that was a real, um, in-night shaman on level twist. A hunderst, listen. Oh my God, God, that? Did you such a favor? And you know what he probably knew he was? Because of what was it again, Josh?

Oh, suitcase confidence. Yeah, exactly. He knew. He knew he was. And this man said, I want to take you dancing. Do you know a place that's free? Everywhere. You can dance wherever you want.

Oh my goodness. All right, we'll be right back after this. You can dance wherever you want. Hahaha! Oh my goodness! Alright, we'll be right back after this! Bad dates! When we think of sports stories, we tend to think of tales of epic on the field glory. But the new podcast Sports Explains the World brings you some of the wildest and most surprising sports stories you've never heard, like the teenager who wrote a fake Wikipedia page for a young athlete and then watched

as a real team fell for his prank. Diving into his Wikipedia page will be turned three career goals into eleven, added twenty new assists for good measure. Figures that nobody would, should, have believed. And the mysterious secret of a US Olympic superstar killed at the peak of his career. Was it an accident? Did the police screw up the investigation? It was also nebulous.

Each week, Sports Explains the World goes beyond leagues and stats to share stories that will redefine your understanding of sports. And their impact on the world. Listen to Sports Explains the World on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. You can listen to sports explains the world early and add free on Wondery Plus. And we're back. Okay, so next up we have Josh. Your story is called Tigerwood Swings.

Oh, yeah. Yeah. So I used to live in Chicago, and when I lived there, I would go on lots of dates. So there was this woman that I matched with on Tinder, and you know, very, very good looking, like a incredibly beautiful person. And so we decided to go on a date and we meet up for mini golfs who were planning to do like mini golf and then dinner, right? And so when we get there, I realize that she is, she's very, very beautiful, exactly like her pictures, but she's also very

strong. Like you can just tell from the frame that she's like Captain Marvel, like she's like good to go, right? Right, right, right. Really could handle herself. And so we start playing mini golf and everything and she is taking hard swings. It was like regular golf drives at the mini golf. Yeah, I be like, in a way where I'm like,

you know the holes right there. Like there's no way you're gonna get it in by swinging this hard. And then we go to dinner and dinner is fine. We're having like a nice chat and everything, but she will not tell me what she does. Like, and I've brought it up several times. I'm just like, so what do you do?

And she's like always manages to change the subject. And we know we're chatting and everything and having a decent enough time. I like to think that I'm good at conversation. And it's down to the end part of the date when we make that decision. Are we going to go back to my place or re-girl? And has that been a good vibe? It has, like even though it's clear that she would be the one fucking me, like even though that is like, you know, out there. I'm still like, wow, this is a cool person. Like I like hanging out with him

like the conversation and everything. Could not do par at many golf, but still just, you know just really, really cool. And then sure enough, we're in the car, she's giving me a ride home, right? And then she gets a call on her phone and she takes the call while she's driving. And she's like, what?

No, you're not gonna, no, tell her he can't. Okay, you know what, just keep them there. Just keep them there. And then she does a U-turn in like, in the middle of traffic, does a U-turn and starts gunning it the other way, right? And so I don't know where we're going, but she's going to be the one.

Wait, because when you first started this, I was like, oh, she's doing the emergency phone call of pretending there's been a thing and she needs to drop you off, but she's taking you with her. That would have been so much better. Is this Liam Neeson? Who are you doing?

She, like, this is, I feel like we've been leading up to this, something like this the whole day, but nothing like this has happened. A little too intense, leather jacket, like ready to fight anybody, even the server, like just is, is there's a cloud a cloud of like action movie around her, but nothing has actually happened. Now she's like with the car around, right? And she's gunning it. And it's late.

So there's barely anybody on the road where we're still running lights, like properly blowing through lights in a way that would get you side-swiped, do you know what I mean? And so then I was like, hey, if you got somewhere to be, I could hop out, right? She's like, there's no time.

And so she's just gunning it as hard as she can. Oh my God. So I lived in Rogers Park, when I lived in Chicago, right? And we were almost, we were like almost at my apartment, and we are at Hyde Park, which is way, way south in no time,

like just blowing through lights, like cutting around people and stuff like that. She gets out of the car and now I don't know what to do. And so I'm just sitting in the car and she goes into a house, right? And so then I'm sitting there for like all this took place in like four minutes, you know, but I hear two very loud crashes, like two just like, like, it just felt like, it felt like a bookcase was coming down or something,

like two very loud crashes. And then a couple of like little scuffle sounds, which must have been insanely loud if I can hear them happening in the house from outside in the car. And so then she comes out of the side of the house, so not the front door. And then she gets in the car and guns it backwards and then drives off. And it's like, try and continue the conversation like nothing happened. She goes, what?

She grew up with your mom, right? I'm like, what? I'm like, oh my god, what? She grew up with your mom, right? I'm like, what? I'm like, oh my God, what? And then I look at like one of her hands is just destroyed. Like just the knuckles are just like- Oh, just all the way to the bone. She's clearly like beat someone into mud. And then in her leather jacket or just like a couple of bills just like falling

out right? Just like like falling out of the leather jacket. And so I'm just like staring and the thing is even on the way, I don't know why you do this when you're speeding but on the way when I wanted to get out of the car, it wasn't like we were speeding in a way that was like, all right, we're doing 60 at a 40. It was like, I had one hand on the roof, and I went on the dash, you know, that part. And so now, I'm just sitting there,

I remembered rubbing my seatbelt, just tried to like, self-soof, because I was just like, what did I witness? This is so bad. And now- She wouldn't tell you what happened or did you? She still wouldn't tell me what she did and like I didn't bring this up. This I just stayed straight and in my mind now I'm like oh my gosh, this lunatic is taking me home, she's going to know where I live.

And so I'm just sitting at the car answering questions, just one word answers. So you grew up living with your mom and was like, yep, me and my mom. And then we get to the apartment where I live in Rogers Park. And she's kind of like alluding that she's still willing to come up and everything. And I'm just giving every excuse. I'm just like, oh, yeah, my roommate, like, he crazy, you know, he like to sleep on the floor and stuff. It doesn't sound like that would be a deterrent for her.

Yeah, yeah. And like none of it, she's not having any of it. I'm like, oh, I gotta get up really early, which was also true. But it's like, I gotta get up really, really early. And then finally, I'm getting out of the car and she's like, well, you owe me a second date. What?

And she did it with the bloody. And then obviously I never saw her again. Which is a brave move, by the way. Yeah. Because maybe that other guy was someone who also hadn't called her again. Yeah. I don't know. Maybe she's out here saving the world.

Maybe she put those powers to good. It wasn't like I ghosted her. I just did not hear her from her. That's why I think prison. Oh my God. This sounds like the season finale is swarm. Like I don't even know what in the homelands carry with an ugly cry is going on. I know. I love her. Am I the only one who loves her? I am. I love. I have such a toxic trait. There's no one that doesn't

love her. Right. Including Brody. We're all out here. We're all out here, loving her. I kind of love the sound of this woman. She's insane. A little turned on, Josh. Got to admit. Mildly insane. Yeah, yeah.

Especially if she does a Tokyo drift and pulls the emergency brake in the middle of traffic, like, come on now. Like, whenever I've had the conversation with my friends about it, they have all been like, why didn't you come on now. Like whenever I've had the conversation with my friends about it, they have all been like, why didn't you come on now? Oh, I'm sorry. Like, yeah, I can.

I'd be dead at the end. Like, I'm, you know what? I understand a bit more of like some of your reticence now. Having heard that terminator story, I'm very glad that you're still alive. I will always remain sad that you did not have sex with that woman. I'm very glad that I paid. Yes, who wasn't Linda Hamilton.

Now we gotta know. We'll be right back. Bad beats. Welcome to Bishop Gray Academy, the country's most exclusive boarding school. A place where the best and brightest art fighting to be prom queen or captain of the football team. They're on track to become the next Supreme Court Justice. Academy is a new scripted podcast that follows Ava Richards, a brilliant scholarship student who must quickly adapt in a school where rules mean nothing, and money means everything. Ava sets her sights on being the first scholarship student to make the list.

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And we're back. Jordan, you're going to take us home now with Daylight Savings debacle. After I've ramped up, you know, like how great my dating game is, I've had bad dates, everybody, okay? All right, listen, I was a the, let me set the scene for you. Okay. I'm a child of the 90s. It was prom. It was a different time. L.O. Cool J was dominating the airwaves.

I was ready to X, X, this young lady who I'd been squiring about town to get a prompany. Because prom was a big deal, especially in Texas. It can mean like everything. It was like, finally, I'm gonna lose my V card. This is gonna be amazing. Not my visa, but I think, you know what I mean.

And it was finally gonna have PAN. I even had a hotel room, which I kind of like finagled and got, which was impossible. With love and love. And that's boy. Exactly. She just happened to live like 30 miles away from where I lived. But I was willing because women were not into

whatever was going on with me. Had a back brace, braces is great. I just don't see how this could have detracted, but go on. Yeah, I was a little deleterious to the dating scene. So anyway, I, I gone out with her a couple times and I was like, I primed the pump. I think this is, I think we're ready.

I asked her to prom. She's like, absolutely. So, all's going well. This is great. This is gonna be the end of an era. It's the end of the cold snap. I'm ready to do this. I mean, how do you like assess that there's chemistry?

Has there been kissing or? Oh. Has there been kissing? Jimmy, let's do a meal stop. OK, fingering. OK, nice. No, no, no, no. Did you know what that was at the time?

No, actually. And actually, I had gone out with her before. And in a park, we'd like, we'd kissed. We celebrated our bodies a bit. You know, she'd taken off her top, I was like, this is crazy. And then a nice, like, police one was like, you can't be doing that in this park.

And I was like, you're absolutely right, I'm sorry, officer. What in the foot loose is going on? It was innocent, it was nice and sweet and innocent. And I was like, that's what an area all it is. And so it was kind of crazy. It was kind of crazy. It was a sweet kid, a sweet kid.

And then, um, I love that she's got a tip. And her tits out in the park and you just keep trying to like gloss over it with just like, I'm just innocent, just innocent children. Just innocent. We were kids. I know you were, but you were freaky fucking kid. Go on.

We were a bit, you know. It was a lovely time in the prairie. I sucked ten apples in the park. Come on, Texas. Come on. You put it like that. All right, all right, bring it home. Okay, so basically I asked my mother

because my mother had a BMW. If I could take her BMW to prom, like, could I drive that car? She was like, I kill you. If a bird shits on it wrong or something like that, I kill you. I was like, all right, all right, mom, I promise, I will be super careful with the car.

And then she's like, just don't take the toll road. Please don't take the toll road, whatever you do. It's just, it's too crazy. And like, me? It's me. So what's the first thing to do? I take the toll road. I take the toll road.

I end up in this traffic jam. And then in Texas, we got a lot of trucks. And a giant truck stopped short and crashed into me from behind and crumpled the entire fucking car. Now, worst part, her little flower, her corsage, was in the trunk, because I didn't want anything bad to happen to.

That's gone. That's the first casualty of the night. So this is bad news, Bears. I cannot drive this car now. I cannot go see her. She's like 30 miles away. Now my dad, I'm 18, and he has to drive me to prom, right? So we drive for miles to her. This is before cell phone, so I have to explain to this girl what's happened. My mother is like

apoplectic. She's just like, you know, she can't take it. She won't even talk to me for months either. So, we pick up the girl, we're going, I feel like, I'm in eighth grade now. You know, like, I just, it's bad. It's not hot, and she looks so great. Everything is so great. We get to prom, and everybody's like, who, what happened to you? What happened? You know, because I also, my jacket was in the trunk. You get to prom and everybody's like, what happened to you? What happened?

You know, because I also, my jacket was in the trunk. And now I'm just, I'm a jacketless man at prom. I look crazy, prom is prom, it's fine, whatever. And then my friends are like, didn't you get a hotel room? How are you gonna get to the hotel? I was like, one of you could drive me. No. That's not happening.

My dad's like, Please don't say. Oh my gosh. My dad, yeah, my dad is like, I'll pick you up later. Right. So my dad has to pick me up. But then, unbeknownst to me, it was daylight savings time. So we're stuck out there for another hour

because the time had changed. So he comes to get me at what he perceives to be midnight, but it's actually one in the morning. Now, the prom is in the wrong side of town. It's like, it's in a beautiful place, but in not such a hot neighborhood. And now, we're hearing footsteps around us because the whole building has to shut down.

And we're outside. And we hear like, yeah, we hear like, do do do do do do do do do do. And it's not furry, woodland creatures. And we're like, it's some of the locals. And I'm like, this is getting wild. And then, but she's had a little, we were like passing little, you know, whatever bottles to each other.

During, during prom and she's like, we could make out a little bit and it's like, okay, I think we could do that. And then we go into the bushes and it's, there's somebody in there. And so, um, I said, he's like, in the, what's he's like, what's he's still doing? He says, what's he'll doing? I'm like, nothing. And I'm like, we kind of have to get out of there. And so we are like just, she's like, what are you gonna tell? What are you gonna tell?

I'm like, I don't know. I don't know. This is turning bad rapidly. Finally, my dad arrives. My dad is like, okay, who's ready to go home? I was like, dad, I did get a hotel. And he's like, okay, who's ready to go home? I was like, dad, I did get a hotel and he's like, okay, and that's the waste of your money. And so, I'm...

Because he's not gonna take you. Yeah, yeah, try to convince my father. What a fucker. Oh my God. Yeah, and so he just drove us home and it was rough. I had to, it's been through the rest of the summer paying back my mother for the damage in the car. I tried to like gin things up again with this young lady.

I was like, okay, let's go to a concert. So I take her to a concert, don't ever do this. I took her to a Maxwell concert don't ever do this. I took her to a Maxwell concert, Maxwell took it out. Oh. For her birthday. Okay. The first. The first. I pro-alternate. Yeah, yeah, I did. I was a smooth little guy. And so the, and so that was sure. No, I will take it. I will take it. There was on the side of my body is flaring. Like between that story and then you not knowing she's talking about Maxwell.

I don't know where she's talking about. Yeah, no, but I think we all knew she was talking about Maxwell. We all did. So my ring of ice to a million. About 18 year old boy. Sexy little vibe, Jen Jorden. Thank you. I was like, oh, thank you, Jeneal.

This is weird, but thank you. Where is my cream? Okay. Here's what happened. I take her to the Maxwell concert. SMU, Moody Coliseum. She's really in a Maxwell. And she just runs off to the front row, you know,

takes her panties off and throws them at Maxwell. Oh no. She's there the whole time, wants to meet Maxwell after. Like, it's just, it just was, and that was the last time we ever talked. I'm so glad you guys didn't get murdered. I thought you were gonna get robbed or something when you were waiting outside for an hour,

but instead you sort of, you're likely perfed on by a stranger in a bush. Yeah, and even watching it that whole time. Yeah, yeah. Did you feel like the black reboot of Teen Wolf was like, uh-oh, who the fuck is in the bushes? Yeah, I can't believe your dad wouldn't take you to the hotel. But you know what, I, I get it.

I get it, I get it. I get it. He's afraid of teen pregnancy. I get it. Even if he wasn't, though, he doesn't want to award him for the whole thing. I got a zone through, actually, you know what I've got. I haven't got a disciplinarian bone in my body.

You're a hundred percent right Josh. Now, but now that I have kids, if that happened to my son or daughter, I would have taken them to the hotel. What, you're cool. Legend. Fucking legends. I would have taken, because I remember what that feels like. I really do. I remember what that, the feeling that you're talking about right now, I remember, because you just like fucked up like every chapter in your life,

it's giving every season of Never Have I Ever. And at that point, it's like you just need a wind and sometimes we can't see that because all we see is you don't fucked up and took the toll road. You know what I mean? But yeah, I would have taken my child to the hotel but been like, you better take a shower before you do it.

Yeah, and do it safely. Yeah. I really want to hear Jordan's story again, but from the perspective of the guy in the bush, because he probably told many of the people of a different story that I was like, I was just in the bush, right? Try to jerk off, just enjoy my night and everything. And then these two people jump in my bush, the disrespect. I've done so many of these episodes now and every time I think I must have heard it all. I will have to wrap up the show soon because I can't be surprised anymore.

And you fucking all gone and done it again. They sounded like movies. They all sounded like movies from different eras. It felt very specifically of the 80s genre of film with Michelle having a happier sending. I've ever heard of on the show so far. Thank you all so much to telling me these stories. Before we wrap up, I love to read stories from our beautiful listeners who send in their letters of their darker days within the dating world. And we got this letter from Maggie that I would like to read to you. You ready?

Yes! Prepare it here. So Maggie says, a while back, I met a man who was going door to door trying to convince people to switch to the internet provider that he was representing. My sick brain almost as soon as he started talking, started thinking about the story I'd be able to tell,

making my own porno if I was able to bag door to door. Come, come cast guy, oh my god, she's a fucking legend, she's already a legend. And I've seen this porno, we've all seen this porno. Oh my god, okay, so he said that he would return when he was done with work, so she did, she asked him out, she came onto him, asked him out, asked him to come back and have sex with her, So he did, and we quickly moved to the bedroom, and he was about to go down on me, but my bedroom was dark, however, and he didn't want to turn the lights on. So what he chose to do,

he was doing, what he chose to do instead, in order to better see what he was doing, was light up my entire vagina with his iPad, which was actively playing the movie training day with the sound on why he didn't just use the home screen as a light I will never know instead while he was performing oral sex, a very lit up oral sex, Denzel Washington was literally screaming into my vagina. But what felt like an eternity?

Needless to say, I was not able to get off. Oh my God. I mean, Bravo, Maggie. Do you need training day for everybody? Training day for everybody. How much do you need? Do you need that? You need the light?

I feel like I get it. I feel like I get most bodies. I don't think I would need that much light. All right, Josh, this is not a bragging space. But I get it. No, I'm joking. I get most bodies. Look at this guy.

I'm not saying I get as an I've had. I just understand that much. I would do the light for the first minute just to make sure there's nothing suspicious. Yeah, I think I'll end. I turn the light for the first minute, just to make sure there's nothing suspicious. Yeah, they go in. Yeah, I'm going to the light off. But to leave the sound on, to not have the presence,

just to leave Denzel screaming into this woman's vagina. Okay, it's confidence. Okay, confidence. Amazing. Not only is it okay, it's confidence, but it's probably how he cosplays into the mode to be that guy. Maybe he's like, it's common sense, it's probably how he cause plays into the mode to be that guy. Maybe he's like, as Denzel screams,

I'm becoming Denzel. Denzel is making this happen right now. Denzel's training him through the Cunnelingus, right? He's screaming at him to do better. Being a Hong Kong ain't got shit. Oh, you're a man. And then you're a center.

Because I'm so unbold in life, I live for bold people. And you are all that, including you, Maggie, my new best friend. Thank you all so much for telling me these stories. They will carry me through the rest of my life, I fairly sense that. I agree. You are the boldest.

Oh my God, first of all, bangs on a daily basis, all that, base responsibility, how you do it do it before we go will you tell me quickly where people can find you what you want them to see of yours Michelle You're going first. Yes, you can at me at Michelle. You tell how it's like bureau with the tea bitch You can stream my show survival of the thickest on Netflix all the episode. Thank you so much And it is based on the book I wrote. You can also get Surravel of the Thiccus plus size essays in a small money world and I might be coming to your town. I don't know you or the fuck you live, but I'm going on tour this fall and it's called Full Heart Tite Jeans because it's real life, bitch. Jordan. Well, you can find me on adulting wherever you cast your soul.

Absolutely. And you can find me making comedy most nights at either Union Hall, which has been really great, or out of the guy's bill, just check out my Instagram, that's me, or on survival of the thickest to make a little cameo. I'm excited about that. Yeah. I'm excited about that. Yeah. I'm Josh. Oh, you can find me at Josh Johnson, comedy on TikTok,

Instagram, and YouTube. I also have a podcast, The Josh Johnson Show, and I have a special out on peacock called up here killing myself that just got released in February. And then I might also be coming to your town. I might also come visit you you so check out both the pages and My website Josh Hansen comedy.com to see if I'm coming to where you're going. Oh my goodness This one you sound tall. Then you are I'm here for it. Okay, bye guys

Bye. We'll tell you how it goes Bad dates is produced by smartness Media and Wondery, created by Robert Cohen. Executive producers are Robert Cohen and Jemila Jamil. That's me, produced by Stuart Bailey, produced, engineered and edited by Devon Tori Bryant, also engineered and edited by Karl McGraw. Talent producer is Anne Harris. Associate producer is Maddie McCann, music by Kushy and Evelyn Schletter. Executive producers are Will Arnett, Jason Vaatman and Sean Hayes.

Executive producers for Smartless Media are Richard Coulson and Bernie Kaminsky. If you've had a bad date and you'd like to tell us all about it, our number is 984-265-3283 and our email is baddatespod at gmail.com. We can't wait to hear all about it. That's all for this week. We will see you next time for more bad dates. Thank you. Smart, Blurred, Sneey-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o- Hello, Prime Members! You can listen to bad dates early and add free on Amazon Music.

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