Bad Dates with Jameela Jamil - Typecast & Lonely (w/ Michelle Collins, Dylan Adler, and Shane Torres)
Episode Date: December 9, 2024On a new episode of Bad Dates, host Joel Kim Booster welcomes comedians Michelle Collins, Dylan Adler, and Shane Torres to discuss their most iconic dating fiascos. Michelle goes Dutch with two types ...of German, Dylan lets loose in the backyard (not a euphemism), and Shane explains how sometimes you don’t know your worth until someone eats their own blood at you. If you’ve had a bad date you’d like to tell us about, our number is 984-265-3283, and our email is baddatespod@gmail.com, we can’t wait to hear all about it!  Subscribe to our YouTube Channel for video clips. Merch available at SiriusXMStore.com/BadDates.Tickets for our live show 1/25/25 at SF Sketchfest HERE: https://sched.co/1rbPt Joel Kim Booster: Psychosexual, Fire Island, Loot Season 2Michelle Collins: Patreon.com/michcollDylan Adler: @dylanadler_ on Insta, @DylanAdler6 on Twitter, @dylanadler7 on TikTokShane Torres: @ShaneTorres on social media, stand-up special The Blue-Eyed Mexican on YouTube Subscribe to SiriusXM Podcasts+ on Apple Podcasts to listen to ad-free new episodes.
Transcript
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Smart.
Less.
Media.
Couch time is so important with my partner.
Like, just to be able to sit on a couch and like, shit talk reality show stars.
Like, I mean, that is like the cornerstone of our relationship.
And that might seem sad to a lot of people. But like like for me, it's more intimate than sex, honestly.
That is the dream.
Yeah.
Like, forget penis size, forget all that.
Can you couch talk with me?
You can have a micro.
If you can couch chat with me, I will overlook it.
I will not laugh.
If your takes on the Love is Blind cast are fire,
then like who cares what you look like, you know?
Yes.
Once I can afford a Yes. I still care.
Once I can afford a couch, I'm there.
Hello, hello, hello, and welcome to another episode of Bad Dates.
I am your host, Joel Kim Booster.
Really excited about today's episode.
If you're joining us for the first time, Bad Dates brought to you by Smartless Media is
a podcast all about, well, listen, it's in the title, Bad Dates.
I want to hear all about the ins and outs
of what makes a date bad,
what made your date specifically bad,
and at the end, we'll even sort of land
on a red flag lesson takeaway from each of the stories
from the amazing comics that we have brought you today.
I'm really excited to get to them.
But first, before we do that,
I'm gonna do a quick little
bit of advice from a listener. This is an email from an anonymous male listener.
I'm newly divorced after 10 years of marriage. My friends encouraged me to get
on the apps and it quickly led to what seemed like an amazing date. We got rip
roaring drunk and went back to her apartment and made out like teenagers.
As we are furiously
taking off each other's clothes, she notices my erection, says, oh, and looks away. I ask what's
going on and she's trying not to laugh but says I've just never seen one that size before. I knew
I wasn't exactly John Hamm, but I didn't know it was like that. I haven't really dated since then
and I'm having trouble getting back out there. What should I do? So this is actually kind of a foreign topic for me. I'm interested
to get some of the straight comedians POV on this. But for me, and I assume one of our
gay guests, I don't go into a situation like that without knowing what the penis looks
like or having the other person know what my penis looks like.
So it's rarely ever a surprise, shock, and awe situation.
But I will have to say this, I do subscribe to the,
it's not what you got, it's how you use it,
for the most part.
And I think like a lot of women believe this.
It is strange to me though,
the straight male experience of not knowing what your dick actually is like
because I've seen so many penises in my lifetime probably in the four digits at this point that I
have such a good understanding of where my dick falls on the scale of good to bad and it is wild
to me that straight men really only have the word of their female partner to go off of. And of course, they lie because they're scared.
So that is, I will say, like, I don't know where women have landed recently on dick pics,
but I think it might be a good idea to sort of preface it and say,
hey, would you like to see the goods?
Would you like to check under the hood before we go out?
That's just my thought.
But let me introduce your comics today.
They might have some different perspectives.
As I said, we're getting some straight people's ideas into the mix on this.
So first off, I would love to introduce to you
truly one of my favorite people in the entire world.
She's a comedian and a talk show host who will be coming
to America with her big natural tour starting in September. Please give it up for my good friend,
Michelle Collins. Oh my God, Julie. Oh, and clapping from our other guests. This is such a
welcoming environment. Thank you. Thanks for having me. You're so welcome. I'm so excited to have you.
Our next guest, also a good friend. Listen, it's just, it's all family here today
at Bad Dates. He is a comedian, actor, writer, and musician who wrote for The Late Late Show
with James Corden. Please give it up for Dylan Adler. Hello. Thank you so much for having me.
I'm excited. I'm so glad to have you in the studio with us today. And next and finally,
another good friend, someone I've known for a long time, someone I came up in the
trenches with at open mics in some of the worst bars in
history. We welcome Shane Torres, a comedian, actor,
writer and podcaster whose new special, the blue eyed
Mexican is on YouTube. Wow, you guys. Thank you all so much for coming on the pod.
Let's get down to the, like really quickly,
what is your take on this listener email?
Well, should I go first because I'm the woman?
I think you should.
I think your POV is probably the most important.
I really am laughing that you're like,
oh, I think that women should get pictures before.
Like we do everything within our power,
some of us, not to get pictures before. Like, we do everything within our power, some of us,
not to get photos beforehand.
100%.
I don't know if we actually gave him great advice ultimately,
but I will say.
We didn't give him any advice.
He's asking what he should do when a woman laughs
at his small penis.
Also, that lady sucks.
No, I mean, she definitely sucks.
Yes, she definitely sucks.
You're not bad in cleanup here,
but that's really shitty of her. Like, just a, she definitely sucks. Yes, she definitely sucks. You're not bad in cleanup here, but that's really shitty of her.
Like, just to laugh at your dick, that's horrible.
Yeah, I mean, I would maybe wait
until you're more emotionally connected while dating
if you're worried about it,
because as Michelle has sort of talked about,
like, that makes a lot of the difference.
Like, maybe hookups aren't for you. Maybe first Maybe hookups aren't for you. Maybe first
date hookups aren't for you. Maybe you need to take it a little slower. You're just back
out there, 10 years in a marriage. Don't go zero to 60 on these ladies. Get off whatever
straight people app you use for hookups and go to The Hinge or whatever one is more for
dating relationships.
They're all for hookups, by the relationships. They're all bullshit, yeah.
That's so sad for you guys.
Bumble BFF.
Yeah, yeah.
That's smart, Dylan, you're so Bumble.
Bumble BFF.
That's a thing, I don't know.
Oh man.
Anyways, so yeah, I would take it a little slower.
I would make that emotional connection first,
and then, you know, by that point they're trapped.
They're in love with
you. What are they going to do? What are they going to dream? You know, that is the dream. I'm dying
to get trapped by a small penis to man just who me for God's sake, you know, God.
I'm really excited for our first guest to share not one, not two, but three stories,
two quick ones and one long one.
Listen, you know, I moved to the Netherlands about, I don't know, a year and a half ago.
And that was nice because as a tall person, I'm very average there.
It's fabulous.
Like every man there is tall, they're hot.
The more I get to know the Dutch,
the more I deeply resent them.
They are the least romantic people in the world.
There is no, you know, I'm trying to think like,
I dated a guy who, well, one guy actually
who was English to be fair, who I dated there,
we went out for a little bit
and then we kind of just cut communication.
And I ran into him a few months later.
We didn't say hello.
And then I got a text from him the next day that was the length of one of the cold mountain letters.
And it said that he was so sorry that he didn't get in touch with me, blah, blah, blah, and that his daughter had scarlet fever.
Did you guys even know that that was still around?
That was like an Oregon trail.
Okay, Beth?
Vintage, yeah.
Exactly, I'm like, come up with a more modern disease lie.
Like who gets scarlet fever?
I didn't know that was a thing.
With these anti-vaxxers these days,
everything's coming back.
I mean, these kids getting polio again.
I will say as a liar, if you throw in a detail like that,
sometimes it kind of is a red herring.
They're like, oh, it actually works.
She thinks my daughter is scarlet fever.
Like, I know that little bitch did not have scarlet fever.
I'm telling you right now.
And she's like six, by the way.
I'm like, that bitch did not have it.
OK, so there's that.
And then like the Dutch in general,
I mean, lots of sense of smell or something from it.
Literally she's full Helen Keller.
I'm like, you little liar.
We all know who your father is.
Anyway, but the Dutch famously and romantic,
they are also quite cheap.
The term going Dutch, splitting the check
originated because the Dutch do not pay.
Like they're like, if you have a Diet Coke,
they will send you a request for like $2 or
two euros after the day.
And their language is so Bobo.
Like, let's like one of the most ridiculous languages.
It's very like, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop.
And it almost seems like they are.
It looks like it like you can understand.
Like, if I read a lot of Dutch, so many of their words are like psychopath instead
of psychopath. And I'm like, well, I get what you're calling me. You know,
No, reading it is very easy. Like the first thing I learned how to say in Dutch was Wi-Fi
into train. Wi-Fi into train. Okay, like I know how to say that. And thank you. That's
it. But anyway, so there was that guy. Then I dated a Dutch guy. We went out for a little
bit who always had to do an activity.
That was kind of nice.
So we like had a tennis thing.
We went to a petting zoo once.
I mean, you know, we could never just like hang out because he didn't know how to have
a conversation.
And then one night I was like, Hey, why don't you just come over?
Let's watch TV.
You know, I'll order in whatever be cute.
And he showed up with a guitar.
He did not warn me much like that man did not warn about his micro penis.
I did not get the guitar warning.
And we sat on my deck and he was like,
do you like the Beatles?
And then played four chords of help.
I didn't even know I had as many Dutch neighbors.
That night, every head popped out of that wall,
like in laughing, like people going,
what the fuck is going on?
It was, he knew four lines of John Mayer
and I had to sit there as a woman.
Then, Shane, have you ever played guitar for a woman?
Yes. Wow, Shane, have you ever played guitar for a woman? Yes.
Wow.
I knew it.
Thank you for being horrible.
Can I finish?
I was like 15.
I haven't done it grown.
That's fucking pathetic.
You know what?
It is pathetic.
It is.
He sucked.
And it was the last time.
And the funny thing is, is that the next day he was like,
you know, I'm really drained after we hang out.
I'm like, you think?
You show up with a whole like orchestra section
and I have to sit there and pretend to like it.
Because you always want to play pickleball.
He loved pickleball.
I can't even believe you're saying that.
He was obsessed.
Yeah, he's a six foot four guy with a long reach
and giant hands, he's going to be awesome at pickleball.
So my date story, which now I've gone on,
so you threatened me with the two stories,
is I was just starting, I went out on a date with a guy,
he was older, this was in Copenhagen.
But the very first date we went out,
first of all, this was on hinge, she was older, German.
Now I say this, important to note that as a Jewish person,
I'm actually in Berlin right now, I seek the hatred.
I don't know how to explain it,
but something about it for me is very enticing.
And I'm just like, I don't know what it is.
Our first date was fine, Copenhagen, chilly day,
or chilly evening.
He came into the bar, his glasses were fogged,
walked up to a different woman who was on a different date.
I watched this happen and was like, I'm here.
She was brunette.
She was pretty, but like, so it's not like she was like
some dog and I was like, oh great.
No, she was a pretty girl, but he was like, hi.
And the guy looked up.
I watched this happen in slow motion.
She was like, can I help you?
He's like, you know, I'm John, I'm here for our date.
And it was very awkward.
And then he walked around the entire bar, finally found me.
Then another thing that I sort of like at first
is that he didn't let me speak.
It was, I walked to him to an entire runway,
like a circular thing.
Anyway, the bad part of the day comes,
he talked the entire night.
That was fine.
As someone who talks a lot,
it was actually kind of refreshing to have,
to like shut the brain off for an evening.
Then he says to me like, I wanna go out again tomorrow night. I said, fantastic. Now,
new Michelle, I should add, old Michelle was, I would say easier to seduce new Michelle.
We've worked on herself. We have I'm speaking in third person never used to do that. Like we have
self esteem now and we're looking for something more serious.
So I'm not, like, you know, going home with guys
like I used to in Brooklyn, as in the McCarran Park days.
Anyway, so we go out the next night, we go to dinner.
Again, not letting me speak, but I'm loving it.
He's, oh, he's German, he's a professor, I should add,
very intelligent.
And he keeps telling me, never married, no kids,
but he has a German shepherd.
Now, he keeps talking about this German shepherd.
Shane, let's take it up a notch.
German with a German shepherd.
Now we're getting into like Inglorious Bastards territory for me.
This is now turning into, you see, a whole thing.
And anyway, I don't want to keep you guys here, but long story short, afterwards, freezing outside, he was like, why don't we go walk my dog?
Now I knew that him asking me that was a way for him to get me upstairs. So I said, no, no, let's
have a drink somewhere else because you know, I know I'm ahead of him. We went to a bar
in Copenhagen called Finger Bullet. True story. There's no one there. Have you actually?
Yeah, I was in Copenhagen last year. Have you really been to that bar? Yeah, I was touring
last year. We did. Yeah, I've been there. Yeah. Okay. So you really been to that bar? Yeah, I was touring last year. We did COVID.
Yeah, I've been there.
Yeah.
Okay.
So you've been there.
Okay.
So this is actually amazing.
This is like boots on the ground.
We have a witness.
Imagine now, if you will, that it's like a brown bar, like a pub empty two guys, guys,
playing pool, a bartender.
We're making out.
I'm basically topless in the corner now.
I'm not proud of this, but it was like a very, cause I wouldn't go upstairs with him. So I'm like, but we wanted to obviously
go somewhere with each other. Um, the bartender threw us out. That happened. So we got thrown
out of the bar. Now he's like, come over, come over, let's walk the dog. Here's where
it took a turn. So we get to his apartment and very nice building, uh, near finger bullet
chain and he says, uh, well, why don't you come upstairs and we'll grab the dog. And And I knew I know where this is headed. And I said, No, no, let me wait down here.
Bring the dog down downstairs yourself. So I'm now waiting in a vestibule. This is not
a lobby building. European buildings are very narrow. This is a staircase. There is just
enough room for my vertical coffin. Like I'm standing in a vertical coffin next to the
steps and a door. So he's come up, come up. No, no, no. So he goes upstairs to get this fucking German Shepherd.
And I'll say this, and I don't know about you guys,
but I think it's very difficult to compete.
I think it's more difficult to compete with a man's dog
than like with an ex.
I think when a man is married to their pet,
which this man was, he'd had a German Shepherd
his entire life, he'd never gone without one
through his parents' divorce.
I mean, you name it.
This was like a real thing.
German Shepherds are sort of the poster dog
for just following orders too, really.
Well.
I also feel like if a guy owns a German Shepherd,
he's gonna be really clean.
I feel like it's that kind of, like his house is tidy.
And like, it's like, you're not gonna be dealing
with a slob at the very least.
No, you know who loved German Shepherds?
Eichmann.
You know, I'll name 50 people who love German shepherds.
Goebbels, Himmler, you know, all they were big GS fans.
Anyway, so I'm now waiting downstairs in the lobby.
I hear him go upstairs and now it's just sound effects.
Like remember in No Country for Old Men,
when you heard Javier Bardem's boots walking down the hallway
and you knew something terrible was coming.
So I hear him like go up the steps.
I hear the keys jingling in the lock.
The door swings open like AIM instant messenger, you know, and then I hear breathing.
I just hear heavy, breathy breathing. I won't do it, but like a hot, you know, again, like
Jew in the night in the woods hiding and you see the breath of the dog in the condensation. And then I hear him start and I hear him go Chanel, Schnein. And he's yelling German commands at this dog. I'm in the vestibule,
mind you. And all of a sudden I'm like, wait, why am I sitting? Like, why am I? But I'm
very turned on, obviously, but I'm also like, what the fuck is going on? Screaming. And
then all of a sudden I hear him scream whatever the German word is for go. And I hear these footsteps, these dog steps coming down the steps. I smartly open the door because
I know that this thing is going to otherwise attack. I mean, you know, I'm like a human
sized shawarma for this dog. Like this dog is licking his chops. He smells me from two
floors up. And so he runs down, he jumps off the fourth step, out the door, and does not in fact attack me.
And then we spend an hour walking this fucking thing.
It's not a cute dog.
But he's still trying to lure me upstairs.
And the question is now, gentlemen, why didn't I just go home?
Because I wanted to be a lady.
But we're walking through Copenhagen.
He goes, takes me home.
I go home.
Meanwhile, he flies to Amsterdam the next weekend.
Within six hours, you know, it was a done deal.
So I'm like, well, that was fun.
But at least he had to buy a plane ticket.
Like to me that at least confirmed
some sort of low level commitment
and he didn't bring the dog.
So I knew that I was also safe.
Shane's shaking his head, why?
No, absolutely not.
There's no sense of low level commitment
because he flew, that's insane.
Especially within Europe, come on.
Come on, wait.
That's MTA.
Absolutely not, that's crazy.
Ryan Air, 50 pounds.
Jeez, thank you, oh, let's jump on Aer Lingus.
50 pounds.
I jumped on Aer Lingus.
The thing that he did, listen.
I respect what you're saying and trying to do here,
but there's no sense of low level commitment whatsoever
from him just to be-
But let me ask you a question.
As a man, hold on a second,
I meet this girl-
I would pedal across the Brooklyn Bridge
backwards on a unicycle if it meant someone
was gonna hold my hand at some points in my life.
So I don't think-
That's the saddest fucking thing
I've ever heard in my life.
That is so sweet.
Not as sad as what you're thinking, lady. But no, I don't know. I don't know what that means. That's
what I'm thinking for me. I'm very sad if that's what you're using. I'm sorry. Keep going. No,
that's the end of the story. He came, but it was also like what I realized after, you know,
it also kind of killed the fantasy a little bit because once you're out of this foreign city,
when you're like a passport, bro, I'm like a passport, sis. Like I go to these European cities, I meet these hot guys. Once you're back home, the fantasy
kind of ends. And then the next night we went to dinner and I'm like, this motherfucker does not
shut the fuck up. Like he didn't let me say two words. And as you can tell, I love to talk.
And so I said, and you know, I said to him, I started a story and he cut me off and I said,
you know, there are people out there who like pay to hear me talk. It's literally what I do for work.
Like I just want to tell one story. And he got so offended. This is
that straight man thing, right? And he was like, wow, that's really rude.
Yeah. Okay. So Michelle, really quickly, what is your red flag takeaway from this date or
any of the dates that you you briefly ran us through?
It's like I'm afraid to say it because I feel like it's dangerous territory a little bit
because I love animals and I love I really am like an idiot for cats and dogs and chimps and anything else.
But I feel like when a man is too tied to their pet a little bit and I can't, there
is just something about it where I thought I could never compete with this perfect work
of German engineering.
Like there's nothing about me. He sent me a picture when he got home and he was spooning of German engineering. Like there's nothing about me.
He sent me a picture when he got home
and he was spooning the German Shepherd.
And I thought, I just can't, I've been lasered.
Bad Dates.
Bad Dates.
Bad Dates.
Bad Dates.
Bad Dates.
Bad Dates.
Bad Dates.
Bad Dates.
Bad Dates.
Bad Dates.
Bad Dates.
Dylan, you're up to bat.
Yes.
I cannot wait to hear what you have brought to the table today.
Tell us your bad date story.
Oh my God, Joel. You guys, I want to take you back to 2015. The chain smokers were at the
top of the charts. I had just come home from college and I was kind of new in the gay dating scene.
I was on Tinder. I matched with this guy on Tinder and I'm from the Bay Area. I'm from
like the suburbs of the Bay. And so this guy was also from the suburbs and it's like, well,
let's meet up in San Francisco. We're both like, we're like 18, we're like 18, 19.
And so we meet up.
Wait, I'm sorry, you were 18 or 19 in 2015?
Can we turn Dylan's mic down a little bit?
All the way to zero?
Wait, no, no, no, no, no.
I meant, yeah, so I, yeah,, yeah, that's, that's, that's my age.
Keep going. Keep going. You've already started.
Oh my God. Already starting. Really unlikable. But, um, I, I...
Unlikable.
Yeah.
For being an age we all were.
Yes. Yes.
Wow, what a piece of shit. You were 18.
Jesus.
What a freak you turned out to be.
And so we meet up in San Francisco and in the gay community, Joel knows this, there's
this thing called Rice Queens and it's gays who fetishize Asians. And I call them
Edamame Baronesses, but Rice Queens is the term. But it was like my first encounter with like a real, true rice queen. And basically, he was like talking to me about like planning how he loved,
he wanted to go to Japan like very like next year and how he was.
This is like a white dude. He was like fluent in Japanese.
I can't speak Japanese at all.
So like during the date, sometimes he would just like
he was speaking in English, then he'd go like, and I'm like, um, I don't I don't I don't know
what to say. That's nice. But I don't know what that means. Actually. Then after like we go to
the restaurant, we want to go to a bar, we want to go to a bar. So we go to the Castro and on my way to the Castro, I ran into some kids I went into high
school with and they were like, oh my God, dude, are you these are straight guys is like,
dude, are you gay?
Oh my God.
I kind of knew no offense.
And I'm like, oh yeah, I'm gay.
He's like, oh my God, that's great.
Okay.
And then he goes and then I don't know, that was just kind of sweet.
Honestly, kind of a sweet moment.
Like, you know, for a 19 year old kid in 2015 to like be about it.
Maybe not post-Racism.
This is a post-Glee world.
Okay.
So yes.
Yes.
You don't have to talk to me about Glee.
All right.
Like I fully in on the first season.
Yes.
This was post-Glee.
This was post-Art Pop. so it was, you know, great
era. And so then we go, we like go to a bar and we sit down. And then the bartend, like,
take our order. He's like, can I see both of your IDs? We both pull out our fake IDs
and they're like, you have to go. This is our fake IDs look so fake.
It was like Nick Levin, super bad kind of like looking ID. So promptly kicked out is
like, okay. And so then he had the ID. It's like, let's go to the beach because we were
kind of close to Ocean Beach. And so we both we like are walking to the beach and he pulls out this anime on his phone
that's in complete Japanese, no subtitles.
And it's like, let's watch this on the beach.
And so I'm just kind of like watching this anime,
I can't understand any of it, no subtitles.
And then, you know, then it becomes, you know,
comes clear that we both kind of want to hook up.
And we're like, okay, because we're both like new to the we're like, do we go to a 24 hour gym bathroom?
Like, what do we do? We, you know, we both live kind of far away.
We were literally bargaining. It's like, do you need a membership to 24 hour gym?
Like, what do we need to pay a fee?"
So he's like, okay, I live in Atherton.
Why don't we drive there and hook up there?
So, yeah, yeah, it's like an hour drive, but I know I was very, very horny.
So we drive to his parents' house.
It's like one in the morning.
And he was like, do you want to piss in my backyard?
And I'm like, yeah, I'm like, yeah, let's piss in your backyard.
It's like, yeah, fuck my parents.
I hate my let me let's piss on my backyard.
So I walk.
So this wasn't a euphemism.
Yeah, no, no. Oh, yeah.
I was like, I was like, oh, he's one of those.
But okay, no, this is genuinely about pissing in a backyard.
Was it on his homophobic grandfather's grave?
Because that I would like.
Very possibly.
Like if there was a homophobic family member in the backyard.
A homophobic dog?
Yeah, homophobic cat pissing on it.
Oh, homophobic German Shepherd. Aren't they all?
Yeah.
They are all. They're the they're the cop dog. So, yes.
Yeah, no.
So we like literally we pissed in the backyard.
And then we go back to his room.
It is decked out in anime, Naruto,
Sailor Moon, Obscured.
There's bonsai trees.
There is a katana. There are trees, there is a katana, there's samurai garb all
over.
And at this point, and like this is my first experience with a rice queen and also I was
more horny than offended.
So I'm just like, you know what, let's yeah, exactly.
So I'm like, let's go, let's do this.
Let's go. Let's do this. Let's go. And so we kind of start, we like start making out.
And then he's like, I have a samurai hat.
Do you want to put it on? No.
And I'm like, actually, I would not.
But but but I like where your head's at.
But then, oh, yeah, yeah, support it. And then he was like, okay, well then, instead, I'm gonna put it on.
And so he put on the samurai costume and a Japanese robe and a Japanese thing.
And so we're doing it.
We're like kind of...
And more horny than offended.
More horny than offended.
And so we keep doing it.
And then as we keep going,
he starts making hentai anime sounds. He's like, oh, you know, like how the hentai sounds. He sounds
like that. So, you know, it was like, you know, we kept sleep over at his house. And then the next
day I wake up and he's there and he's like, Hey, can you drive me to my brother's graduation
party? And I'm like, Sure, yes, I will. I drove him to his graduation party and at the time,
I'm so embarrassed, but I literally walked away
from that being like, that was kind of weird.
That was overall not bad.
You know, I don't know, like where I was like,
that was not bad.
I wasn't assaulted.
That's good.
That's good in my book.
So I, so basically that was that.
And the crazy part of the story is I have on stage recently
talked about this experience.
And then another Gaijin after the show came up and is like,
-"Oh, my God. Is that beep?" And I'm like, yes.
That is beep.
This must be a generational thing,
but like, there are so many guys.
There is one like famous rice queen in New York This must be a generational thing, but like, there are so many guys.
There is one like famous rice queen in New York
that has traumatized me and several other prominent Asian people
in the gay community that I will not name for their privacy sake.
But boy, oh boy, did he traumatize a lot of us.
And here's the thing about rice queens, I have to say.
There's a big difference between a rice queen who's like generally into the
features that often come along with Asian men, dark hair, dark features,
smooth, you know, not a lot of hair, whatever. Like that I'm like,
okay with in a lot of ways because like they're also usually into like Latinos
too or something like that. It's more about physical attraction,
and it just happens to be that a lot of their
partners have an Asian.
And then you have the two katanas on the wall, rice queen.
And that's where it gets dicey for me.
That's where it gets dicey.
Can I ask a question?
Because I'm curious where you would draw the line.
Because I, years ago, also in my my 20s when I lived in New York, was seeing a man older than me who was very charming this and that and then eventually I stayed over he lives in Brooklyn, McCarran Park stayed over and in the morning he brought out giant to spawn. Okay. And this was never mentioned. This was never and like I'm six to one.
I own it. It is what it is.
Was it bad? Like I want to support people's things.
I want to be cool. I want to be on board.
I didn't like that. I was like, oh, and the world's after the fact.
You have to be a willing participant.
Like that's exactly. Yeah.
He tricked you. Yeah. Like a little.
He did. And the other thing I remember about it, because I'd never seen it before.
I don't know if any of you have ever delved into the world of Giantus Porn.
This was my only time, but it was so poorly done.
I thought surely there's better production quality in the world of Giantus Porn.
It was like little like little cutouts, like photocopied cutouts of men with like women
with heels, like stepping on them, you know, very fetish in that low budget.
Very. But it did.
Yeah, it really grossed me out.
And it's like, yeah, it just felt I felt the same way where it's like, oh,
so this is the only thing that you are kind of on board for from the beginning.
It did feel that way a little. Yes.
Yes. No. And like, I think now I would hope that I would draw the line and be like, no, that's
not but that was like, I was very horny and it was like my first experience with like
a true rice queen. So I'm like, you know, I didn't know I was just like all new. And
if I, if I, if I saw the thing is a lot of these people are hot. And so that'll do a
lot. Yeah, I don't get you that'll'll get them. That'll get them around the track at least one time.
Yeah, like I know.
That's insane to say.
So I let him do a little data bail.
It's not. Yeah.
Kind of hard, you know, whatever.
Yeah.
You'll I want to actually know what his name is afterwards,
because if you're in the Bay Area, I mean, because what if I was like,
I sound like an interesting person if I'm.
Yeah.
He's touched all communities, actually.
BOTH LAUGH
Really quickly, Dylan, what is your red flag takeaway
from this situation?
I think Facebook profile photo,
if there is a pagoda in the back...
Wow.
...a red flag.
Yeah.
Was that him?
Yeah, it's tough. It's really, yeah.
Was he in front of a pagoda in his Facebook picture?
Well, yes, in his Tinder profile,
it was like pagoda, pagoda.
You're just like usual suspecting this whole thing to us.
Like, this is like, like.
Bad dates.
Bad dates.
Bad dates.
Bad dates.
Bad dates. We have to get to our final story of the day.
Really excited about this one because I've heard some stories already in our time as
friends together.
So I'm excited to hear what he's brought to the pod today.
Shane Torres, go for it.
All right.
This is a pretty, I don't want to say traumatic, but embarrassing and kind of hard to tell.
So I guess this was probably 10 or 12 years ago now.
It was when I first got to New York.
And let's just say my dance card was pretty open.
Wasn't getting a lot of hits. Dating a hero is tough
anyways. And like, I don't think this is a stretch to say I'm a bit of a type. So like, that's fine.
But, you know, long hair, beard, tattoos, all that kind of stuff. If you're going to be into
it or you're not, I think a lot of the time. Listeners, for those of you who don't know what Chain looks like, it is sort of sixth
on the call sheet for Sons of Anarchy.
Is that how I would describe it?
Well, you could have at least picked a more recent show.
Well, I think it might still be running on TNT.
Sixth on the call sheet for Sons of Anarchy?
It's not unfair.
It's not inaccurate, but yeah.
Anyway, I look like Ron Perlman. I'm on the apps and they're tough and I get not a ton of hits
so I
Finally someone hits and I'm like, alright and you know
It's always a red flag when they get back to you to me right away when you like something and they message like super quickly
Like in the minute or two. I it's always a little unving. She does that, but I'm like, okay, fine.
We're messaging back and forth and doing this kind of
getting to know each other thing, which is nice.
And then she's like, oh, where do you live?
And I was like, I'm in Williamsburg, blah, blah, blah.
And then like two days later, she just messages me,
like she gives me her phone number right away,
like within the first 15 minutes, which is like,
oh wow, not my favorite move, but I
take it because I'm lonely and desperate. Starved for affection.
There's a real theme to today's episode, by the way. Every story we're like, we were typecast,
we were lonely.
The podcast is called I found the love of my life.
Yeah.
The most desperate comedians in the world.
Sorry, Shane, go on.
No, you're totally fine.
And so she's been over and then we're talking and she's like,
I'm an art student and I'm like, OK, I guess, you know, like,
but like she starts sending me pictures of her art and it was all fucking horrendous.
I don't know shit freely, willing to admit that.
But I'm always up to try and be interested in things.
And she was mixing this in with pretty graphic nudes.
So it would just be like, yeah, it'd be like, here's a picture of my asshole and also a bucket of honey and put a bunch of flies in real thing.
Hot. OK.
Yeah. So but like, you have to understand, like all of this, I know, is bad.
It literally sounds like the ring tape.
Like it's like everything you've described about her, just like graphic asshole pig into, you know, bowl of honey with flies in it.
Like you've got seven days to live.
My ring tape is also like a college experimental theater thesis.
Yeah. Yeah.
But this is going back and forth.
Like also, like I'm like, this is hot.
And also trying to like tell her I like her art.
So I'm lying a bunch.
And then she just messages me one day.
She just made a text.
She goes, Hey, I'm in your neighborhood.
Wow.
And I'm like, okay.
You met her already?
Or no?
No, no.
Oh wow.
Scary, scary.
Okay.
I mean, he's seen her assholes.
So.
Wow. And the flies.
So, you know. And the, yeah. Lot of fun. And I mean, he's seen her assholes, so. Wow, and the flies, so.
Yeah, a lot of fun.
And I go, oh, really?
And I was already kind of trying to figure out
how I was gonna pull my parachute on this.
She goes, let's meet up for coffee.
And I go, okay, well, I'm at this coffee shop.
And she is like basically across the street.
I don't think she just happened to be,
but she did do that.
She comes in and I'm in this little courtyard in the black back
and she shows up.
All black, hot summer day.
Very I'm doing a thing like she was really right.
Like we should say for the listeners to Williamsburg is not a small neighborhood.
That's like three or four stops on the train.
Like the fact that she was that close,
that's concerning, but keep going.
Anyway, she comes in and I like, I stand up like,
oh, hello, you know, like, nice to meet you.
And we're talking, this was the grossest.
We're there and I'm trying to like get through this
and be nice and char, you know, and her leg was bleeding.
No. Like a lot. Oh, yeah.
And I go.
Oh, your legs bleeding.
And she goes, oh, yeah.
And I go, oh, did you like.
I was kind of like not embarrassed or so.
Oh, did maybe you banged your leg against something
because you were so excited to meet me and you just ran into something,
you know, like trying to give her like a little out, cute out.
And she goes, no, I had a really big scab.
So I just picked it.
Oh my God.
Oh.
And then two fingers,
like she's doing the inside of a cookie, a mixing bowl,
like into her mouth.
No.
Yeah. And I'm like, all mouth. No. Yeah.
And I'm like, all right.
I don't care. What do you do?
I mean, this literally I mean, I made the joke,
but this is becoming more and more like the ring tape.
Like it's crazy.
Oh, my God.
I remember like, you know, like in a movie when someone gets in a car wreck
and you just like it's quiet, but there's ringing.
And that's all they that's all that's how they're.
That's exactly what the rest of the day felt like.
Wow, you didn't leave?
Oh my God.
I wanna ask a question.
I pulled an ex, it was daytime,
so I felt pretty safe and I'm pretty burly.
And then dude, she just kept texting
and I don't like doing this, but I just ghosted.
I let it go.
Of course.
You have to. I think sub three dates, but I just ghosted. I let it go. So yeah.
You have to.
You have to.
I think sub three dates ghosting is totally fine.
Even when they're awful.
And she's just weird.
No, but that's like protecting yourself.
I'm sorry.
There's a difference between ghosting and just being a dick
or like fearing for your life.
Yeah.
And fearing for like your safety.
I mean, my God.
I think you really have to weigh
like how much do you owe this person ultimately?
You know, and I think like-
Yeah, you have to think about that more.
One coffee date and then also she ate her own blood.
Like I think that weighs pretty heavily in the ghosting
is fine and appropriate column for sure.
And listen, if you ever bump into her,
you can always tell her that your daughter
got scarlet fever, think about it.
Yeah.
Shane, what would you say out of many red flags
on this date?
What was your big red flag lesson coming out of this?
Know your own value.
Yeah.
Like, you know, know your own value.
Bad dates.
Wow, you guys, this worked out really great
because we are actually sort of exactly
within the window of time that I wanted to spend
talking to you guys today.
So I close.
It's nighttime in Berlin.
I also have to go for the record.
But no, I am truly I'm so glad.
Thank you guys so much for coming today.
Michelle.
Yes.
Tell the people where they can find you.
Thank you. So I have a daily show, patreon.com slash mishcall, M-I-C-H-C-O-L-L.
That's also all my social media handles.
Michelle, you are still like truly probably like top five, like favorite live shows
I've ever seen. That's really nice.
And I miss you. So funny.
Thanks, Jill. It's insane.
Anyways, Dylan, another very funny and live performer, I miss you. So funny. Aw, thanks, Dylan. It's insane.
Anyways, Dylan, another very funny live performer that I love and admire so much.
Where can people find you?
Yes, you can find me on Instagram, at Dylan Adler underscore, on Twitter, at Dylan Adler
six, or on TikTok, at Dylan Adler seven.
Wow.
You can also find Dylan Adler's from Aspen, Colorado, took it.
So I have to do the numbers.
And finally, Shane, where can the people find you
if they're looking?
Shane tours across all platforms, Instagram, Twitter,
all the bullshit, and then YouTube.
New special out, the blue eyed Mexican,
available on YouTube.
Run, don't walk, one of the best joke writers in the biz.
I mean, that's why you're top 1%.
Thank you.
We're all top 1%.
Yeah. Thank you guys so much. This has been another episode of Bad Dates. If you're so
inclined and you only if you loved this episode and any other episode, please go and rate
and review us on iTunes and Spotify and wherever you're listening to this podcast. It really
helps us get the word out. And I would love for this to be a huge success so that
I can, you know, maybe partly it, you know, turn it into a different show, you know, a
bigger sort of like a movie, you know, a mini series on Paramount plus something. That's
the goal. And listen, if you're looking for the perfect gift this holiday season, we have all new
types of Bad Dates merch, like hats, stickers, t-shirts, hoodies, and more.
You won't want to miss these.
You can find it all at SiriusXMstore.com slash Bad Dates.
It's all really cute stuff, you guys.
Check us out next week with another incredible episode of Bad Dates.
I've been Joel Kim Booster.
Thank you so much for listening.
Bye bye.
Bad Dates is a production of Smartless Media
created by Robert Cohen.
Executive producers are Robert Cohen and Stuart Bailey.
Produced, edited, and engineered by Devon Torrey-Brien.
Produced by Anne Harris.
Edited by Kyle McGrath.
Associate producer is Maddie McCann.
Social media producer is Tommy Galgana.
Executive producers are Sean Hayes, Will Arnett,
and Jason Bateman.
Executive producers for Smartless Media
are Richard Corson and Bernie Kaminsky.
Music by Kushi and Evan Schleder.
If you've had a bad date or would like our advice
on any dating issues, please tell us about it
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