Bad Dates with Jameela Jamil - Wait, That's Not Cocaine (w/ Gianmarco Soresi, Dan Ahdoot, and Anna Drezen)

Episode Date: September 25, 2023

On this episode of Bad Dates, Jameela welcomes comedians Gianmarco Soresi, Dan Ahdoot, and Anna Drezen to discuss their most iconic dating fiascos. Gianmarco prowls the streets with telltale cheeks, Dan scrambles up a half-baked alternative, and Anna’s cemetery date threatens to tip into the crypt. If you’ve had a bad date you’d like to tell us about, our number is 984-265-3283, and our email is [e-mail], we can’t wait to hear all about it.Gianmarco Soresi: @gianmarcosoresi on Instagram, The Downside with Gianmarco SoresiDan Ahdoot: @standupdan on Instagram, Undercooked by Dan AhdootAnna Drezen: @annadrezen on InstagramSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

My friend was like, I'll set you up with my brother. And I guess he thought that his sister, I was like, ooh, a date with her tall brother. And tall in New York is like five, nine. That is very, that's it. That's anti-Semitic. That's very anti-Semitic. Very anti-Semitic way.

It is pro-Semitic, excuse me. Vailed anti-Semitism right there. Excuse me. I'm calling it out. I'm a Jew, I'm a Jew and I'm six foot four, so I don't know. I'm a it out. I'm a Jew and I'm 6'4", so I don't know. I'm a Jew too and I have fucked every 5'4 man in the eyebrows and I've been like, you're so tall. [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ BAD DATES! Jamaica, Anna, and Dan, welcome to Bad Dates. Hello.

Hello. Hi. Thanks for having us. Before we get into everyone's story, I always loved to just find out a little bit about each of you. So Anna, starting with you, tell me how you feel about dating and do you feel like you are a good date. I don't know. I think I have a big chip on my shoulder about being a fun first date, but I don't know. I think I like not being known and then once they know me, I'm like, this

isn't great. I also used to... Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. You mean as in, you don't like them to know your work or you don't like them to know who you are as a person. That, the second one. Why? Oh. It's easier to be like, hi, I'm charming. He, he, he, and then, like, that's not who I am day to day, I guess.

I'm a good job interview, but not a great employee, I think is what I think in terms of. That's everyone. That's everyone. That's everyone. But wait, what do you do differently? I'm curious. Do you put on an affect, like a charming affect in your voice? I'm just funnier than I normally am.

And then on the second day, it's like choosing between presenting a completely different person than they know or keeping up this fun ruse. And it just makes me resent them. I love a gal who resents me. That's all my relationships. Wait, so have that ever then made you want to not be a fundate so you could just be, I mean, I'm not saying you're not a fund, I don't know you, but like, has it ever made you want to just sort of be your full self? Have you ever tried being your full, less fun self

on a date and seeing how that goes? Yeah, it doesn't go good. OK. I'm usually sleepy. So are there any other than the resentment? Do you find dating fun? Or is it like a sort of improv acting? Yeah, it's interesting.

I used to just get super wasted. And that made it a lot easier. You just don't have to decide as much when you're really, really drunk all the time. And then when you're on a caffeinated date at 5 p.m., then it's like, it's a completely different experience. I don't know if that was answering your question, but not really at all. No, no, no, no, no, no. question, but... Not really, I don't know.

No, no, no, no. This mug is still very full of coffee. It's not in my brain yet. That was more of a cry for help than an answer. That's what you get with me. I'm not fun. I'm not very fun. Thanks for having me on your phone.

Thank you for being here. That's fun. Dad, what about you? Do you enjoy dieting? I do. I. That's fun. That, what about you? Do you enjoy dating? I do. I think it's fun. It's, I mean, I'm an eternal optimist

when it comes to dating. I'm like very much like the, I'll meet someone and then be like, let's go to Napa for the weekend together. And then on Hour 2, I'm like, what have I done? Hour 2 of Napa or Hour 2 of the date in the United States. No, Hour two of Napa will be, what have I done? So I think I put blinders on on my first dates, and I think they're just like,

now this is great. You have quite a, like, you've got Disney eyes, and even when you were speaking about dating, you've got your eyes got more Disney just then. So I feel like you're just like a hopeless romantic, is that because of films? Listen, I didn't want to talk about it, but you say Disney is. I actually used to play the iconic character on Disney's kick in it, full-offle fill. So maybe that's what you're seeing.

I think that's it. It was, yeah, you're cute, but laugh-al-wise. A question I ask on first dates, which my, my female cousins are like, you're out of your mind, stop doing that. But it's just like, I think it's like a fun first day question is like, is this whole like, do you think, like eventually they're gonna make robots that look like humans and you can't tell the difference?

Would it be okay for people to have sex with a child robot? Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I think it's a thought experiment. It's a thought experiment. You learn a lot about people with questions like that. Favorite TV show.

I deal vacation. If the robots is it okay. Anna, okay, you guys can see this, but Anna's giving me a second date face. It's not her first date face. This is just, yeah, this is just my face. I'm not doing the like, I'm Natalie Portman. One thing I'm not going to do is make anyone answer that question on this podcast. Hey, work, I just-

But I think you sound like a riot. Personally, I think you sound like a riot. Thank you. I think that's good. I think consistency is an easier way to be. The person that I'm still with now, who I've been with for like eight or nine years now, is the first person I ever dated who I was my full self throughout all of our dates. And it was a sort of experiment to see if anyone

could love me for me. And he did. He did ask me to get therapy about a year and a half in, but other than that, loved me for me. So pretty did. He did. He did ask me to get therapy about a year and a half in, but other than that, loved me for me. So pretty good, pretty good. John Marko, what about you? Do you love dating? Oh, no, hey, that is terrible, terrible. I feel I never did it. I always wanted to try speed dating because I always felt like you knew within two seconds. So I went on three okay, cupid dates, I think in 2013. and that was it. I said I'm

gonna I'm gonna meet people the old fashioned way know them for like 10 years and then awkwardly make out at a party someday. That's been like a game of all time. I have very passive. I went on date once this we we dinner drinks and then I put my hand on her knee and she went finally We dinner drinks and then I put my hand on her knee and she went finally Jesus Christ and I was like oh my god So so I I was terrible awful Most of my relationships it was really a woman asking me that's why because I'm tall and I think I've had a lot of dated a lot of tall women

I don't think it's my taste. I think it's tall women. They see me I'm taller than them and they go, I'm gonna go up. And so it's mostly people asking me because I'm too shy and scared. That's fine. Must be, must be nice. I can feel Dan's disdain and disgust, like bleeding out onto the microphone.

As a five foot seven and a half human. I'm on active duty if I want to get down to the mic. As a five foot seven and a half human. I'm on active duty if I want to get a girl's phone number. Sure. There's no stand around and wait to see what happens. Also, I just wanted to clarify, just a little tangent. I wouldn't have sex with the child robot doll. I just wanted to get that.

I feel like we left that out there. That's really cool. At five foot seven, it would be having sex with an equal, really. Oh, my God. Jesus Christ. Bad dates. Bosh Legacy returns. Now streaming. Mad, it's been taken.

Oh, God. His daughter. Mad! He's in the hands of a mad man. What are the police have been looking for me? But nothing can stop a father. We want to find her just as much as you do. I doubt that very much.

From doing what the law can't. And we have to do this the way. You have to. I don't. Bosch Legacy. Watch the new season, now streaming exclusively on FreeV. there is something inexplicable too. Including the most recent inhabitant who says she was visited at night by the ghost of a faceless woman. And it gets even stranger.

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or you can binge early and add free on Wondry Plus the same day. So John Marco, you're up first. I want to know your story. Say hello to my little friend. Okay, so when I date with this woman from my improv class, improv 101, so again, there's someone I knew for a while and at the end I go, okay, we'll go on this tape. And I took her to my favorite Italian restaurant, this place in New York called Sobarro, and we had a really nice meal.

We went back to her place, and it was like her parents, there was a door man, elevator that opened up into her apartment, which I know might be, you know, usual for you, but for me it was nice, it was nice to kind of ever seem. Fuckin' lose it.

Her family had invented oil or something. And we, you know, we got in there, the mood was right. I say, can we turn off the lights? Cause I was feeling bloated from the garlic knots. And we just like, you know, I went down on her, she teased like she was gonna go down to me and that she didn't, it was very cute. And then it was, it felt like it was time for sex,

but neither of us had a condom. And I always kept one in my wallet, but it expired like in 2013, it's more like a kind of reminder to be social. And she said to me, she said, we can just do it without a condom. But I have always said that I will never have unprotected sex with anyone who would have unprotected sex with me. So was that like Groucho Mox? Sure, it's a dirty version of Groucho Mox.

But it's a true concept. I mean, anyone whose standards are there, you got to question their character. And so I said to her, I was like, let me run to a 7-Eleven, I was like, I was like, keep the lights off, keep the music going, keep the mood, I will be right back.

And it was February and freezing cold. I ran like 10 blocks, two avenues to the nearest 7-11. And when I got in, it was just like one young guy. I was two in the morning. I pointed, you know, on the wall, they had hanging. I pointed one of those three-packed Trojan, her pleasure. You know, let her know I'm a feminist. Yeah You know, with letter No, I'm a feminist. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Well, when you were a king. And the guy, the cashier, like, looked kind of like a little bit startled. Not, I was like, is he, it wasn't judging me. He just looked kind of like a little bit scared, which I thought was weird because he was a young guy. I was a young guy. I thought it'd be like sex. And he'd be like, I got you.

And he'd throw them like a football. And as I ran off, he'd be like, I got you, and he'd throw them like a football. And as I ran off, he'd be like, oh, and that kid's gonna be all right. But instead, he just gave me this scared look. And I was like, please, please, get the comms, I'm so hard, we gotta go. And... You've been what, you were hard for 10 bucks.

Listen, it'd been a long time. I go long spells in between. I was running fast. He'd just done improv. I just done improv. And he goes to get the condoms and I'm paying in cash and I was counting out my money. And as I'm counting it out, I look down and I realize that my hands are covered in blood. And my first thought was, oh my God,

what does my face look like? And I look at the shoplifting there in the corner and I look like a very sloppy vampire. Like I'd be in a full rack of ribs and they were out in the abkins and the whole block. And I was like, oh, that's why the guy was acting. So what do you think I'd come in the several of them two in the morning, like condoms quick,

while the body's still warm? Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, So for our second day, I'm vying. Just so you know. I just have to say this woman is my hero. She was like, you do me, then you go get it. Also, my period, whatever. Well, she just want to go down on him. He feels too bloated to have the lights on in her penthouse apartment and she's just bleeding all over him. Just a fucking mad, Just a rich bleeding queen.

Yeah. God. And so I assumed it was like, that was it. We had already graduated in Provinne 101. I figured our days were numbered. But then a couple weeks later, she wrote me, she said, hey, I just acquired an eighth of cocaine. Would you like to come over and do it together?

And I had never done cocaine. I went to the university of Miami where it's offered as a minor, but I never even tried it. I think I'd seen the first half of Scarface, and I was like, well, that looked fun. So I thought, in my mind, I thought you'd do cocaine and you have very good sex. So I was like, sure. Let's give a one more go. I went.

I brought condoms this time in advance. And when I got there, elevators opened up. She was like, she was in a towel. She was holding like the cocaine. I was like, this is dream scenario. this is nice. I did some lines, she did some lines, back and forth, back and forth, back and forth. And I was like, okay, I think I'm ready to go. I'm feeling it. So I get out the condoms and that's when I find out

what I'm sure many people know who have done cocaine is a cauctec where there is nothing. There was nothing going on. They didn't have that in Scarf, they didn't have that and they didn't have that in the car. people know who have done cocaine is a caulk dick where there is nothing. There was nothing going on. They didn't have that in Scarface. There was no scene where he was keeping one woman aroused with his non-dominant hand. We're trying to get himself ready with the other.

So I'm like, I can't believe this is the second time. And Vylai's, I got something going, but not a lot. It was like putting the bedsheets on a bean bag, getting this condom on. And we're moving, we're grooving, we're getting to the bed, and then I just happened to notice that my heart's beating a little bit faster than normal. So I'm like, let me just do a quick Google search to see if anyone's ever died of cocaine. And it turns out it's a massive number of people. A lot of people. A lot of people have died of cocaine.

It's my opening story. Yeah, my opening story on episode one of this podcast is a man who had to go to hospital because of cocaine. Well, don't get ahead of me, because that's exactly where we went. We went to my God. We went to an emergency room because I was convinced I was going to die.

She told me I was being neurotic. We got there and by the time we got there, it was one of those things where by the time we got there, my heart was fine. I told the doctor and he was like, don't do cocaine. Just don't do cocaine. And that was our last date. So you never actually shagged. You just had one do a cooking. And that was our last date. So you never actually shagged. You just had one bloody lick.

We never shagged. She did cast me in a comedy sketch of her later that didn't do very well on YouTube. But aside from that, that was the end. Oh, man, what a story. Thank you so much for that. The buying of the condoms thing is so awkward. Why is it still so awkward?

It should be so normal by now, but it still feels, they should be everywhere. Especially in your circumstance. Once later, it was like, I was with someone we were about to hook up, but it was like late, I was in like Missouri or something, and I was so desperate that I, a random guy was walking on the other side of the street and I went up to a random guy and I was like,

hey man, I really tried to relate like on some kind of like dude level that I've never related to men at any other point in my life. And I'm like, hey man, you know, Sachs, could you give me a condom? And he had one and he gave it to me like a cigarette. I was like, please, please brother, do a good deed. And he gave it to me.

Oh God, I feel like I have vague recollections of a traumatic condom buying session where I think when I was younger, I'd dressed up, like I'd done the underwear with the very slussy lingerie with the raincoat thing for a boyfriend. Sure. But I was poor. When you do that, you're supposed to get a cab, but I couldn't afford a boyfriend. Sure. But I was poor. And you know, when you do that, you're supposed to get a cab, but I couldn't afford a taxi. So I had to get on the underground

for a one hour train ride in the middle of summer. We don't have AC in the United Kingdom, especially not on public transport. So I was just cooking. I was fucking cooking. I was wearing leather underneath, everything. I was sweating in places that I didn't even know exist. God, I haven't even thought about this for like 10 years. And there was like, there were nuns on the fucking train and children and it was just incredibly like, obviously I can't remove or even slightly loosen the raincoat. Sure. Because I'm surrounded by them. So like, it's surely it's some sort of sexual offensive I do. And then he lived on a fucking hill. And so I had to walk all the way up the hill

in the burning summer. He, my bangs are sticking to my forehead. I'm just dripping sweat. I've never felt less sexy in my entire life. I'm starting to stink. And I finally get to do it. I actually turned on by the record. Yeah, for the record.

So I finally get to his door and I knock on the door and he answers it and he's forgotten that we were going to meet and he's just woken up and he's not really put himself together. The house looks like shit, he looks like shit, but you know, he's got more English. So he's sort of, you know, he's a bit out of it, can't really show me the enthusiasm, I fucking deserve after having just walked basically what feels like the green mile to his house, and then he says to me he's got no condoms, and rather than go, well you've made all this effort for me, because I'm standing there with my fucking, I'm like just panting and hot and fatigued and wilted, but I've

just sort of like in this sort of half-wise way opened my, my raincoat and I'm just showing him. You'd think he'd go to the shop to get the condom, but he's tired. He's tired because he'd just woke up and he's not ready. So he asks me if I'll go to the fucking shop, so I have to walk up another hill to get to the fucking corner store. I get in there, I'm, it's 9am when I did this, which is insane of me, but I've had work. And the shop is full of school children who are getting their sweets and crisps just before they go to school. And so there's a whole line of children behind me as I get finally to the front of the line and I'm trying to sort of mime shacking, which is just finger through the hole in the other fingers

to the guy to explain what I need. And then finally just had to scream, come down, I need fucking condoms! He gave them to me, I get back to my boyfriend's house. I'm now so exhausted. My vagina is drier than Gandhi's asshole. I don't want to do anything. We didn't have sex. And I don't even know why I told you that story, but your condom story just reminded me of that.

No, it's those kind of stories that lead women to join the nunnery in the first place. They go, you know what? I'd rather be in that robe than this one. A hundred percent. I never did that ever again. even though I can now not to brag, I thought an Uber never again, ever again. No way. Can I take this moment to defend Gandhi's asshole? Because I know that he- You know, it was very moist.

He didn't eat a lot, I know, but I feel like he probably did moisturize and take care of himself. You know, I thought I'm just looking out for the G-man. First of all, the balls on that guy to be like, you go get the condom. I feel like he and the period queen need to get together. They are meant for each other. Sure.

Just the confidence. Yeah. Jamaica, we can connect them after the show. Yeah, yeah. Perfect. Thank you for that stunning story. I will never forget the visual of you realising what your face looks like.

And also one of my favourite lines, the Pocosso far, which is the fact that you need to get the condoms quick before the body stops being warm. So disgusting. We'll be right back. Bad beats. Bad beats. Emily, do you remember when One Direction called it a day? I think you'll find there are still many people who can't talk about it.

Well luckily, we can. A lot, because our new season of terribly famous is all about the first One Directioner to go it alone. Zayn Malik We'll take you on Zayn's journey from Shilad from Bradford to being in the world's biggest boy band and explore why, when he reached the top, he decided to walk away. Follow terribly famous wherever you get your podcasts. And we're back.

And now it's time for Dan. Dan. Yeah. Tell me about rising to the occasion. Okay, so I'm going to take you back to the mid-Auts 2005. I was a fresh graduate from Johns Hopkins University with my two buddies, Tiki and Mo. Tiki and Mo were becoming doctors as they should, and I was an open mic comedian. So they were at the top of their game,

they're both very handsome, a lot better looking than I am. And, you know, just very confident. And we go out every night. What's that? Tall or two? Tall, oh. Tiki is not as tall, but he just has a lot of confidence.

Mo is like a tall Arab George Clooney. And so we would go out every night and like clockwork, they would meet three girls and then two of them would go home with them. And then the third girl would go home alone and them would go home with them, and then the third girl would go home alone, and I would go home alone. So I was like the love grenade. Like the third girl would just talk to me so that her friends could talk to my friends. And it was very disheartening.

And one night we were out in the meat packing district at a club, and just like clockwork, three girls. And it was clockwork, three girls. And it was the end of the night. And the two girls were going home with Mohantiki. And I asked the girl that I was talking to you, do you want to come back to my place for a drink? And she goes, no, I'm okay. I was like, okay.

And she goes, unless you have Coke. And I was like, yeah. Oh, yeah, I have Coke. I totally have Coke. Let's go. Well, she sounds like a keeper, I think. Oh my God. So we start walking back to my place and I'm like,

oh my God, I have like five blocks to get cocaine. And just like, John Mark, I've never done cocaine. So I like, I text one of my finance friends and I'm like, yo, do you have any cocaine? He's like, no, but if you find some, let me know. And then like, he's like, I gotta grow with me right now and she's gonna come back if I can do cocaine too. Yeah.

And then I text my weed dealer. Back then they were weed dealers. I was like, do you diversify? Do you also have cocaine? And he was like wrong number. Cause copula, copula, no. All right, okay. And yeah, they're very different.

It's a very different genre. So next thing I know we're back in my place and like, I was like, maybe she'll forget about the fact that drugs lured her back to my home. And I was like, I'll get some drinks. She's like, okay, but do you have the Coke? I was like, yes, give me a second. And I go into the kitchen and I'm like,

just looking in the pantry and I'm like, what am I gonna use for cocaine? Oh my God. Do you just think I'm ever? I know, I know. Now, I need to take a little aside. I love cooking. And I specifically love cooking soufflase. I've cooked soufflase since I was a child with my mom.

It was like our bonding thing. I soufflase were my thing. I can whip up a soufflase anywhere, so because of that, I always have a little jar of cream of tartar in my pantry. And cream of tartar is sort of like baking soda. It's a it's a it's a byproduct of wine making like it's they scoop the barrels out and they get this powder and it helps rise the souffle is rise. And it's also the exact consistency of cocaine. Okay. What's happening? You won't you won't read about that in the joy of cooking,

but it is the exact consistency of cocaine. So I take the cream of tartar and I put it into a little bag and I come out and I'm like, here's our cocaine and she's like, all right, I was like, okay, I guess I will go first. So I put out and make a line and I roll up a dollar and I'm like, what the, like, what's gonna, I have no idea what's gonna happen to me. Like, I might die.

I don't know if this is like going to kill me, but I was like, I'd be more scared to do that than cocaine. Yeah, 100%. So I did a line of the cream of tartar, of tartar, and I was like fine for three seconds, and then suddenly I started violently sneezing, like I've never sneezed before. Like 15 in a row, holding onto the armchair,

like I am like having an extracesm sneezing, and then like I would stop, and then it would start back over, she's like, are you okay? I'm like, yeah, I'm fine, and boom,m sneezing. And then I would stop and then it would start back over. She'd be like, are you okay? I'm like, yeah, I'm fine. Boom, start sneezing again. And after 30 sneezes, my body was violently trying to reject this thing.

I see that she's going down to do her line. Oh my God. The cream of tartar. And I was like, wait, stop! Stop! She's like, the cream of tartar. And I was like, wait, stop! Stop! She's like, what's wrong? I'm like, it's not, it's not, just don't do the cocaine, it's not good.

She's like, oh, whatever, even bad cocaine. It's like pizza, it's like, it's kind of good. I was like, no, it's not cocaine, it's not cocaine. She's like, what are you talking about? I'm like, it's cream of tartar. She's like, what's cream of tartar? I was like, it's a byproduct of wine making. It's used for two flavors.

And she's like, why the fuck did you put out lines of cream of tartar? I was like, I don't have cocaine and I wanted you to come back. I'm sorry. It was a stupid thing. She's like, why do you have this? I was like, because I like making soufflé,

I like soufflé. And she's like, well, I'm kind of hungry. Can you make a soufflé? I was like, fuck yeah, make me souffle, I like souffle. And she's like, well, I'm kind of hungry. Can you make a souffle? I was like, fuck yeah, I can make a souffle. And I made her a souffle. We had souffle and wine, and had a wonderful, wonderful night together. So my friends had their confidence and their charms,

and I had my souffle making. That was my... I don't know, man. My love like much. Disney eyes, five foot seven, love a short king, and you make souffle? I think. Oh, fuck.

And you'll lie to get a woman into bed. You are a real charmer. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha There is poisoning of women to spend the evening with her. That is, that feels like a Ben Steadamovie. The whole thing feels like a Ben Steadamovie. Oh, yeah. Right. The montage. And she says, well, then make me a souffle. You can hear the pop song kick in,

and then the montage of you guys making souffle and having a flower fight with the whisk. Oh, yeah. Yeah. So PSA, if you need fake cocaine, do not use cream of tartar. A PSA. Or just don't promise people that you have fake, that you have cocaine when you don't.

That's probably the most important thing. I think that's the one. That's the one. He landed on it eventually. Thank you. We got there. We'll be right back. Bad beats.

The seaside town of Ambul is cold, gray, and run down. So when a wild dolphin appears, it's the miracle everyone's been waiting for. It was like a magical draw. I'm going and nothing can stop me. I must meet the dolphin. Some believe Freddy has healing powers, others that he's an alien. Everyone wants to swim with him.

It's just, oh this world you know. Until one day someone is accused of taking things way too far. Alan Cooper committed an act of allude, obscene and disgusting nature. A tabloid scandal leads to a court battle that grips the whole country. By behaving in an indecent manner with a bottle-nose dolphin. From Wondry and Blanchard House, I'm Becky Milligan, and this is Hooked on Freddy. Listen to Hooked on Freddy on the Wondry app,

or wherever you get your podcasts. Deep in the Enchanted Forest, from the whimsical world of Disney Frozen, something is wrong. Airendel is in danger once again, from dark forces threatening to disrupt the peace and tranquility. And it's up to Anna and Elsa to stop the villains before it's too late. For the last 10 years, Frozen has mesmerized millions around the world. Now, Wondry presents Disney Frozen Forces of Nature Podcast, which extends the storytelling of the beloved animated series as an audio-first original story, complete with new characters and a standalone adventure set after the events of Frozen 2.

Reunite with the whole crew! Anna, Elsa, Olaf, and Kristoff for an action-packed adventure of fun, imagination, and mystery. Follow along as the gang enlist the help of old friends and new as they venture deep into the forest and discover the mysterious copper machines behind the chaos. And count yourself amongst the allies as they investigate the strange happenings in the enchanted forest. The only question is, are Anna and Elsa able to save their peaceful kingdom? Listen early and add free to the entire season of Disney Frozen Forces of Nature podcast,

along with exclusive bonus content on Wondery Plus. Join Wondery Plus in the Wondery app, or Wondery Plus kits on Apple Podcasts. [♪ BAD DATES, BAD DATES, BAD DATES, BAD DATES, BAD DATES, BAD DATES, BAD DATES, BAD DATES, BAD DATES, BAD DATES, BAD DATES, BAD DATES, BAD DATES, BAD DATES, BAD DATES, BAD DATES, BAD DATES, BAD DATES, BAD DATES, BAD DATES, BAD DATES, BAD DATES, BAD DATES, BAD DATES, BAD DATES, BAD DATES, BAD DATES, BAD DATES, BAD DATES, BAD DATES, BAD DATES, BAD DATES, BAD DATES, BAD DATES, BAD DATES, BAD DATES, BAD DATES, BAD DATES, BAD DATES, BAD DATES, BAD DATES, BAD DATES, BAD DATES, BAD DATES, BAD DATES,AD BAD DATES,AD DATES,AD DATES,AD DATES,AD, BAD DATES, BAD DATES, BAD DATES,AD, BAD DATES,AD, BAD DATES,AD, BAD DATES,AD DATES,AD,AD,AD DATES,AD,AD DATES different kind of girl, like not like other girls. Mm-hmm. Like not normal. Not normal, yeah. Yeah, so I was in LA between seasons on SNL

and I figured I would just find a boyfriend in LA because I dated everybody in New York. So I was like, I'll just find someone out here and we'll date long distance. Yeah, there's this thing in LA called Sinus Bia where you can go to Hollywood Forever Cemetery which is full of a lot of just grandmothers and grandfathers and then also like very famous old actors, which I think is a great marriage.

It's amazingly, I can't decide ever how I feel about it. The fact that we have events and concerts there, but I think it's hilarious. It's all very Victorian. And I love Cemetery's. My mom is a big cemetery girl. When we're in any sort of small New England town, we got to make

a pit stop. Look at the cemetery. I thought you were trying to say that your mom is dead. I thought that's what that. She's a big cemetery girl. And you need to be out with me. That's your first day. I wanted to meet my mother. That's like we're good about those things. Oh my god, this bitch is always in the ground. She's an aspiring. she would love to be an asymmetry, I think she'll be excited when it's her turn. But yeah, I invited this guy, we'd been on a couple of dates, so we go to this like quirky girl date in the cemetery. And if you've ever been to an outdoor

movie, you know that saving space is a whole thing. You have to get there early. Like, it's, you're in a battle with everyone else who wants to see this movie. Yeah, it's Hunger Games. Yeah. Very intense. I just didn't know the amount of defending the space. I was going to have to do. And it's a lot of passive aggressive people holding baskets full of baguettes and wine and cheese. And he was then pretty late. And so, which just means the closer you get to movie time, the more people are looking at you, you have to move. And then you're just... This whole blanket is just for you? Yeah.

Yeah. Are you crazy with your blanket? I'm like, I just don't be mad at me. Are you planning on using this as a bed? Yeah, like I was gonna spread out and be like, idiots, ha ha. Can't wait to watch a rear window on my belly. Just stop fishing. Yeah, stop fishing in the middle. Yeah, stop fishing in the middle.

He got there pretty late and then was talking a mile a minute about like his day. He was telling me about like about people he saw at work and movies that he'd watched. And the difference between me and him is that I've lived in New York for 15 years. And so I keep my volume down when I'm in public. And he's from Utah, which is like,

big mountain, like giant Walmart everywhere. So like, he's never adjusted his volume in public. And everyone around us is glaring that he's talking, the movie hasn't started yet, but it's still like, it's rude to talk loudly around other people, I guess, you know? Because then you have to listen to that. Well, so it's a fear that this guy's gonna be allowed

to talk through the movies, isn't it? For sure. And also he's, again, he's tall, which is exciting. Already annoying. Yeah, but it's already annoying because of the people behind him. For cemetery, yeah, exactly. It's a flat, famously cemetery is very flat. That's their whole thing.

And he's talking really fast while also eating the picnic stuff that I brought. So like talking with his mouthful, which was like, fine, I get it. And then he's in the middle of talking and then, I don't know if you guys have ever been around a person who's legitimately choking, but it is so, the sound that happens is so shocking because it's the complete absence of sound. Like when someone's still coughing and being like, water, water.

It's like you can hear it. But like when something is lodged in their throat, it's just a, like so I just heard this like vacuum from him. And I realized he is choking on baby carrots because he was talking too fast about joy story four, I think. And. Good, that was a judgey time. was choking on baby carrots because he was talking too fast about Toy Story 4, I think. And that was a judgey tone.

Listen, I don't talk that fast and that loud about Toy Story 4. If you wanna talk about Toy Story 4 in public, keep your voice down and pace it out. And you allowed to choke on like, scussesy, or is it? Yes, that's fair. Yeah, the stakes are there, it's dumb. Also don't shovel, don't shovel little carrots

in your mouth while you're waxing poetic on Toy Story 4. This is what I'm saying. Dan, we're back on the same page. We're back on the same page. Yeah. Okay. But so he is choking and then motions for me,

he comes over and does the heimlich on himself and is going, come here do this. What are you doing all this time? So this is over a second and I realize I'm going to have to give him the Heimlich. And then I realize something else, which is to have people look at us and call attention to ourselves while I give the high-liked to my date. So what I did was instead, and I was a camp counselor at some point, so I've been trained in it, and I know that you both have to be standing. And it's best if you're around the same height.

But if you're not, you have to like go into a deep squat if you're too tall, and then if you're not tall, you have to like bend them over. I don't take this, this is my memory from like 2004, but it's also a truth of sex, of doggie. I was gonna say doggie daycare, that's worrying. I hope that's all that's happening there. Sorry, I hope they didn't cover that. Excuse me everyone.

I'm really a camp counselor. That's where you do Doggie style sex from the hours of 10 a.m. to 6 p.m. and then someone drives you home. And so I, he's kneeling up and I, instead of standing, which probably would have been the right thing to do for like the alignment, I was too shy and just kind of kneeled behind him and reached around him and kind of get, you know, like a side hug. Like that was the kind of energy I was giving behind with. And people started going, oh my God, and looking over, we're surrounded by like hundreds of people.

And I'm kind of doing it like, oh, I hope not. So can you imagine anything worse than thinking you're dying in a cemetery? Can you imagine anything more like convenient? To be convenient. But yeah. You know, if you're mouth to mouth, you're trying to give a mouth to mouth on the cheek, just to not be too overly Romantic.

Blowing in his air or nibbling on his lobe. Can you just go really quick? I'll just cover you with leaves. It's probably fine. You got the blanket right there. Cover them up. Listen, that's for someone else to clean up. But then he fortunately for this story does not die. He instead rose up just for just fortunately for this story does not die He instead gross up just for just fortunately for this story every other I am we wish death upon this man, but right now for the people sitting behind him They were like, please please take him out at least is laying down

But so then he But so then he expels a torrent of chewed carrot and water all over our picnic blanket. And everyone around us starts, you guessed it, applauding. For me, the hero, because I saved a man's life. And as soon as we're done, I asked him, did what I do help? Because I was like, curious. And he said, no, I just use my abdominal muscles to get it up.

And then we kind of had an argument about like, no, I think you're just not wanting to give me credit. And so I didn't really give him the Heimlich, and then I wanted credit right after. I don't believe him, honestly, that I don't think you can just use your abdominals to dislodge things in your throat. I think that's bullshit.

I think you did do it. You think Anna's gentle side cuddle saves us. Yeah, there's no one man Heimlich. There's no, you can't like Heimlich's derbait. You can't alley you. It was an alley you can. You can't like heimlich stir bait. You can't, it was an alley. You can. You can choke hard enough that something comes out. You can use a chair.

You can use a chair. But we didn't have a chair. Or a two-star. Depending on what's around. And so we're saying Anna's gentle side stroke. I think so. I think it did something. Projected.

There's nothing in the side. There's nothing in the, the, the, the, the, the, the, I was here. I was like diagonally. It was a chain reaction. So my hands were kind of to the rate of his solar plexus. Did the carrots come out at an angle that reflected the opposite of the angle you were squeezing? Like if it's shot, you know, I think I think that's the proof.

I love the fact that you were helping on the credit more than checking that he was okay. I think that's fucking brilliant. It's insane when it makes me like you even more. Thank you. Yeah, when it comes to other people noticing, there's no depth I won't sink to to impress other people while my loved one dies.

Yeah, in an emergency, I've always learned how what terrible soulless bastard I am. And also, I think I've told the story before, so I'm not going to tell the full story on the podcast, but I just want to remind everyone who's listening to Google the Heimlich maneuver now. Check it out on YouTube now, because don't wait until the moment because when I was choking, we tried to YouTube it and they put a 30 second compulsory ad that you can't skip out of the video of the public maneuver, which is unbelievable seeing as everyone's normally going to YouTube that when they're dying or when someone's choking. So please look it up after this

episode rather than in an emergency otherwise, because I almost died because of that fucking that when they're dying or when someone's choking. So please look it up after this episode, rather than in an emergency otherwise, because I almost died because of that fucking advert. So please know that they are bastards who put a 30 second immovable ad on every video of the Heimlovenuva. That's like a big cap. It's end stage capitalism, it's finest.

But thank you. Oh, but I'm isn't ending that. Oh, yeah, go on. What happened between me and that guy is that we are getting married next year. We've been together. Come on. Wow. We're engaged. Get it out of the way up top. Oh, he married his hero. Yeah, I think he kind of only. Good luck on the wedding and congratulations on getting engaged. I always find it really gross and weird when people congratulate people who I need to

both of you, especially given how you first met. I fucking love it when a terrible date turns into, we've had a few of those where a terrible date turns into a life long love and I think it's good, important and hopeful. You got us. That's not what happened to old Giancarlo, is it? Giancarlo? Gianmarco. It's a Gianmarco. I fucked myself in the ass there.

Thank you so much for that story. I'm thrilled to know that that's turned into a long term love. Bad dates. So we have one final story. I always ask the listeners for their stories because they have brilliant tales, and this one this week that I'm going to read you is from Zoe. So she writes, A few years ago I met this really cute guy, a friend's birthday party, and we really hit it off.

He asked for my number and called the next day to ask me out on a date. It had been a while since I dated anyone, and it had only been my cat and I enjoying the single life for the past couple of years. Well, the date went great. So after a few drinks at a bar, I asked him to come over to my place and things got hot, she writes in caps, and heavy, also in caps, as soon as we crossed the door. Clothes flew around the room, and we managed to get to my bedroom and start going at it, missionary style. This detail is important. We were both really into it,

and all of a sudden, he loud, this loud scream. I thought maybe his penis had broken or something, because it can happen, but it turns out, oh my God. My sweet cat Margaret Scratcher, not Margaret Scratcher. No. My sweet cat Margaret Scratcher,

who was not used to this kind of activity at all, had discovered this man's balls moving while he strabelled me and figured why not play with these. Oh my God, she jumped and dove, claws first towards my dates, testicles hanging from them until he stood up screaming as she quickly fled the scene. Fortunately, there was no serious injury and he took it quite well considering, but that definitely killed the mood. He ghosted me a little after that and honestly, I don't

blame him. Oh, that's horrible, but Margaret scratched her for the fucking win. No, that's the wrong kind of pussy. Yeah. But he was on the cat's territory. That sounded more sexual than I meant to. I don't animals animals or or I Hooked up a couple times with someone who would let their dog in the room and I I really was like and the dog would go on the bed That's it. There was no nothing else, but like it was weird. I hated it so much. The dog looking at me try doggy style, like you're doing it all wrong. What is this? I know someone who had a dog start licking his bollocks while he was straddling someone. He was doing doggy style and then the dog was, I guess, coming to doing a type of doggy style, extremely disturbing. Extremely disturbing. Never let your pets into the room. Let them wine outside. No, Dan, no. That's Dan's second question on a date. Okay, so if the dog

starts licking and you didn't ask for it, and it's just happening, how many seconds can you wait? Oh my God. John Marco, Dan, and Anna, thank you so much for coming today. You're so fucking great. I'm amazed that I was able to be stunned yet again, even I've done so many episodes of this podcast. Before we go, we'll quickly tell everyone where they can find you. Jomarko. Sure. I'm touring all around the country,

doing stand-up comedy. It's called The Leaning in Tor. Find me on Instagram to see all the dates, but I'm going everywhere. And then listen to my podcast, the downside with Chumarko Sirrezi. Dan. You can find me on all the socials at Stand Up Dan.

I also have a podcast called Green Eggs in Dan, which is a food podcast, which Chumarko's gonna be on soon. And I have a book out called Under Cooked, How I Let Food Become My Life Navigator, and how maybe that's a dumb way to live. It's an Amazon best seller right now, but fuck Amazon, right guys.

Golly, golly. But you can read all about my souffle store, I just told, and many more that are similarly embarrassing. I was gonna say, what a way to sell the podcast and the book with the souffle store. Well done, well played, and Anna. Thank you. You can find me on socials at Anna Dresden

and by Dan's book, it's called Cooking with Gas, how I learn to be myself. Hahaha. Wow. Thanks guys. Bad dates is produced by smartness media and Wondery, created by Robert Cohen. Executive producers are Robert Cohen and Jemila Jamil. That's me.

Produced by Stuart Bailey. Produced and jeanired and edited by Dev and Tori Bryant. Also engineered and edited by Karl McGraw. Talent producer is Anne Harris. Associate producer is Maddie McCann. Music by Kushy and Evan Schletter. Executive producers are Will Arnett, Jason Bateman and Sean Hayes. Executive producers for Smartness Media are Richard Coulson and Bernie Kaminsky. If you've had a bad day and you'd like to tell us all about it, our number is 984-265-3283

and our email is baddatespod.com. We can't wait to hear all about it. That's all for this week. We will see you next time for more bad dates. Hello, Prime Members! You can listen to bad dates early and add free on Amazon Music. Download the Amazon Music app today. Or you can listen early and add free with Wondery Plus in Apple podcasts. Before you go, tell us about yourself by completing a short survey at Wondery.com slash survey. podcasts. Before you go, tell us about yourself by completing a short survey at Wondery.com slash survey.