Bad Dates with Jameela Jamil - Was It Something I Said? (w/ Celeste Barber and Jinkx Monsoon)

Episode Date: April 24, 2023

On this episode of Bad Dates, Jameela welcomes comedians Celeste Barber (The Letdown, Challenge Accepted) and Jinkx Monsoon (RuPaul’s Drag Race, Chicago) to discuss their most iconic dating fiascos. Celeste talks about a rude dude's bawdy wordplay, Jinkx tells us about an important item lost in a sensitive location, and a letter from a listener recounts the incredible story of the world’s least-aware Brad.Celeste Barber’s comedy special Fine, Thanks and her comedy series Wellmania are both on Netflix. You can find her upcoming tour dates on CelesteBarber.com. Jinkx Monsoon is on tour this summer, you can find information at JinkxMonsoon.com, and look for their upcoming comedy special Redhead Redemption.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Hello, Prime members. You can listen to bad dates early and add free on Amazon music. Download the app today. Our woman came up to me. It was the morning I was about to shoot my Netflix special, right? And I looked like a slapped ass. I looked so stupid. I was at the fucking buffet going just, I'm eating everything. And this girl came up to me and she's like, oh my god, I love you. I love you so much. Can I please have a photo? And I went really over at breakfast and she was like, I know. And I said, of course, sorry, yes, sorry, I'm being a con. Yeah, let's do it.

And then she put her photo out and she pulled her phone and she put it up and you know, you see yourself because it's a selfie. And I was like, oh my god, I look like shit. And she went, yeah, I know. That's why I didn't want to ask. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha bad dates. How are you guys? I'm wonderful. Thank you, Jermela. I'm also fabulous. Thank you, darling. How are you? Good. Really good. Do you two know each other from beforehand or no? This is your first time coming together? I know, Jinks. I know, Jinks. But this is no our first time

meeting. I guess you could say we know of each other, but we need to know one another in the biblical sense. Well, we're going to all get to know each other extremely intimately today. I'm testing. Jink, starting with you, how do you feel about dating? Is it something you love? Is it something you despise? Do you feel anything different about it? I am. Two years married to my husband. We're not your traditional marriage in any form of the word, but

I am just like, what do you mean by that? We are non-monogamous and we've been long distance our entire relationship because he's from the UK and his immigration only just got to prove two weeks ago. So we've yet to really... Oh, I'm sorry. Yeah. I know, he's kind of going in the wrong direction, but you know, we have a cute house in Portland, but but as far as dating, I'm very glad to be done with it. I hated it. So if you're non-menogamous, it means you're still shagging but not dating when it comes to other people. Yeah, you know, I like

that we are in a marriage where we don't say no to exciting opportunities. Let's put it that way. No, the question I have is like before you meet that person in that exciting, impromptu situation, do you go on some sort of a date first or is it like a fun hook-up? I say this partially just because my boyfriend meet that person in that exciting, impromptu situation. Do you go on some sort of a date first, or is it like a fun hookup? I say this partially just because my boyfriend and I have a rule that I don't think I should talk about here, but, yo, lo, I'm very precious about my art hole,

you know, as a rule. And I don't want anything going inside of it ever. And so therefore, I was like, if he ever wanted to do that, that's something he could outsource and I feel completely fine about that and that's none of my business. But I wouldn't want them to go on like a fun romantic date first. So that's created some challenges for him to go straight for that. But yeah, straight for the ass. Yeah, straight for the ass hell. No, straight for the ass. That's what I'm saying, as we kind of make it up as we go,

because the kind of guy's eye attracts, being a trans-feminine binary human being with a penis, are different from the guys that Michael attracts, or the people that Michael's attracts, being a more mask presenting trans-amorous person. So we attract different types of people, so we're not, you know, we're in different situations. But...

Yeah, yeah, and no cross-contamination fabulous. We love that. You've been married for fucking ages, Celeste. To... What, your fucking ages. Celeste, to your fucking ages. Like forever, like for more than my whole life. 20 years we've been together this year. We do not fucking talk and we do not touch our salt.

So that's what you tell everyone. What you told me if you remember it about how you were able to resolve. Yeah, how you're able to like get over an argument with your husband. Well, so the way I find it helps to do that is I sometimes imagine, not sometimes, most of the time I imagine that he died or he was about to die. Like I do, I don't know if you how much I've been doing. I've been doing it for a long time. I've been doing it for a long time. I've been doing it for a long time. I've been doing it for a long time.

I've been doing it for a long time. I've been doing it for a long time. I've been doing it for a long time. I've been doing it for a long time. I've been doing it for a long time. I've been doing it for a long time. I've been doing it for a long time. I've been doing it for a long time. I've been doing it for a long time. And I'd be so fucked off at myself if he died. And I was like, well, you were a bitch the whole time to him,

and now he's dead. So be nice. That's what I'm happy to do. That's what I'm happy to do. Is there any greater marriage advice out there? Is there any great... Like, it should be carved on stone around the world. Like, I... Is guilt is such a great motivator.

LAUGHTER world like I was guilty. Is guilt is such a great motivator. LAUGHTER FADDITS! MUSIC All right, I am dying to hear your stories, especially hearing your takes on love and relationships and dating. Celeste, you are up first. Correct. Your story is called First Date.

Is this your actual first date? Well, yeah, I think it is because as I was saying, I was never a big data and I met my husband when I was 21. So I kind of, you know, I got in quick there, which was kind of annoying. I met him. I was working in a bar and in a pub and he walked in. I was pulling a beer and he walked in and I saw him and then when we were like locked eyes and I'm one of those really fucking annoying people, we were fell straight in love. And I was really annoyed.

I was like, fuck, sake, like 21, come back in 10 years, dickhead, but it was like, no, I'm here now. But I was really kind of confident with him. It's a first, like, the first person I ever could be him, right? I came onto him. Yeah, the first person I hit on, I married. Like, you know, the first person who didn't turn me down, I fucking married. So I'm not an idiot there.

But my first ever date, I was, I think I was like 16, and my friend was dating this guy and he had a brother. Yeah, we're like 17. So we were young, like it's kind of young. And she was like, you want to come on a double date? I was like, I do, yeah, do that thing. Woo! Like so excited. And I used to dance as a kid. So I was like, I'm going to date us. So excited. So I kind of got on my cute little outfit. so I was like, I'm gonna date, I'm so excited. So I kind of got on my cute little outfit. So she's like, we're going to the Hard Rock Cafe.

And I was like, yes, we're fucking, ah, whoa, I was so pumped. Like, I'm gonna go to the Hard Rock Cafe on a date, on a double date, this Christmas. So I kind of, I put all like, like, Glitter, as I said, it used to done. Glitter kind of up here on my cheekbones. It's really high on my features.

And so we get on this date and we're all there and they were all kind of really lovely and kissy and very cute, because they'd been dating for like, you know, 10 minutes. And I just make this guy and I was like, well, serious in 10 minutes. Yeah, exactly. And I was like, I'm just gonna talk to this guy

about my hopes and my dreams and I'm like, so Jenna Jackson's first dreams and I'm like, so Jenna Jackson's first album and I like started to just going to how much I loved her and then he was kind of you know We got all our lemonade and having a great time and I'm He let over to me and he was like, I see this any pointed to my cheeks How I had like a little bit of glitter on it? I think I had a little bit through my all my hair line I had a little bit of glitter on it. I think I had it a little bit through my, all my hairline, fuck happened.

And I got excited. And I got excited. It was the age of like subtlety. I think I think because I had no eyebrows, I was like, well, you would make up for that with glitter. And so I had it all, and then I remember, going to the bathroom coming back and my friend Sally was like, I think you really liked you.

And I'm like, I really haven't really noticed. And then he leans over to me at one point, and he's like, oh, so I see the, you've got like a little bit of glitter on your cheeks. And I, yeah, I danced, it was just kind of over. I just thought I'd do it like to express myself. I'm gonna be good out. And he went, oh, that's really cool.

And I think he was a footballer. If I remember correctly, I think he was a footballer. He'd just been like signed to some football team. So he was like, fuck, and glitter. And he went, I really like this glitter. I said, yeah, thanks. You know, just do it. I'm putting it in my features.

And he went, oh, yeah, you know what they say. And I was like, no, why? And he goes, chicks at wear glitter, take it up the shitter. And I went, is that what they say? That's what he said. You know what they say. Chicks that wear glitter, take it up the shitter. You got to shitter up. Yeah. And I was like, oh my god. I was shook.

So I walked out of there, went to the pay phone. Did the 1-800, I don't have a hairpin in Australia, 1-800 reverse. To call my mum, you need to pick me up. You just said, shut up shit up, fuck to me. Yeah. You know what they say. That can't be a real saying. I mean Australia's a little bit on the wild side,

but for fuck's sake. No, no, that is fucking bananas that he said that, because every time I tell that story, even people who think they can't think they're like, what the fuck, that's not a thing. Well, it was when you're 16 and you're on the goal coast, in Australia, at the Hard Rock Cafe, and you've got fucking glitter on your cheeks.

I feel like this is something that, as it's like through games of telephone, this guy got this idea, because if I think about the kind of girls who wear glitter the most in my life, they're drag queens. So objectively, yes, they probably do take it up the shit. Yeah, absolutely. But I wouldn't know how it came about. Like, is he sitting around with his footy mates and they're just doing some word play? Like, I can spit all some ideas

over here. Glitter, glitter, what round with glitter? Glitter, glitter. Was he embarrassed when that went down badly? He high-fived his brother. He high-fived his brother. I don't know. Oh, he's been waiting his entire 17 years on this planet to be able to fucking say that.

I mean, I've said some stupid shit in the heat of the moment. I think the worst thing I've ever said was when someone accidentally put it in the heat of the moment. I think the worst thing I ever said was when someone accidentally put it in the wrong hole. So the shitter one might call it. I said unexpected item and backing area in a moment of like total fresh panic. Oh my god. I'm sorry. I think that was quite bad. So many words to say. I know. I know. I think so. That's so fluently rehearsed. Like, it wasn't. It's happened more than once. I've never happened to me before.

But we have almost no human beings working in supermarkets in England. So it's a big part of your day to day existence. Those machines, those automated machines. So I think it's just in my vernacular. But I was even stunned that that was my instantaneous, a second, went by before I managed to get that entire sentence out. And it killed the moment dead.

Yeah, I mean, this is why I can imagine it. I'm known as a serial erection killer, you know, for this exact reason. I'm going to have my own Netflix documentary one day about all this the digs that have died. Not the erections that have died in my presence. Dama, Ryan Murphy is going to make a show about it, I think. I remember the first time I met you, Jamila, when I did my podcast, I remember, after you were like,

so anyway, I hate having sex. And this is sometimes how I hate doing it. You got on the floor and you're like, I'm seeing I'm not very good at it. And you were like, Ryan, you're on the floor. And I was like having sex, and this is sometimes how I hate doing it. You got on the floor and you're like, I'm not very good at it. And you were like, right, you're on the floor. And I was like, hi mate, this is all weird. To be clear, just to add some nuance to that, I wasn't saying I hate sex.

I was just saying that I can't do reverse cowgirl, right? I just have no... Oh, it's so sorry you're right. I haven't done my bad. Lower body straight. No, so I've got like, I can get up to three pumps. So I've worked my way up to three pumps. And then I just sort of collapse like a sad pancake.

I sort of melt onto the poor person beneath and then, I like, I didn't sign up for a fucking gym class. You know what I mean? Right. Yeah, exactly. It's not equinox. Like, this is not a dick-win-ox. You know, like, this is not what I signed up for.

Dic-win-ox. Yeah. Bucking out. So, Celeste, no lessons really to be learned from that What I've signed up for. It's a sequel. Yeah. Back and out. So, Celeste, no lessons really to be learned from that for you, in my opinion, your dinner. Don't take football as a scenario. Yeah, there we go.

There it is. There. Come on, that note. It's what we're right back after this. Bad beats. Raising kids can be one of the greatest rewards of a parent's life. But come on, someday, parenting is unbearable. I love my kid, but is a new parenting podcast from Wondry that shares of our freshly-honest and insightful take on parenting.

Hosted by myself, Megan Galey, Chris Garcia, and Kurt Brown-Oller, we will be your resident not-so-expert experts. Each week we'll share a parenting story that'll have you laughing, nodding, and thinking, oh yeah, I have absolutely been there. We'll talk about what went right and wrong, what would we do differently? And the next time you step on yet another stray Lego in the middle of the night, you'll feel less alone. So if you like to laugh with us as we talk about the hardest job in the world, listen to,

I love my kid, but wherever you get your podcasts. You can listen ad free on the Amazon Music or Wondery app. And we're back. Okay, God, we've learned so much about each other in the last 15 or 20 minutes. Like, honestly, this is, this is wild. Like, this is becoming extremely intimate. I've given away more details about my own life on this podcast episode than I have in the entire series. I feel like my presence tends to bring it out in people. Like people who normally don't talk about their sex life will just sit down next to me and just turn to me and start telling me intimate details. I don't know if it's because I'm a drag queen or a redhead or what, like what about me

says, tell me about your genitalia and what last was inside it. But it does happen a lot. I think it's one thing that you make people feel comfortable, Jigs, which absolutely do. Like we started and Jumila went, no one's allowed to go to my household. Like, straight in. I do. I mean, that's why you're here.

Tell me about somethings missing. Okay, yeah. I'm so excited. Well, so something's missing. This is one of, I think I learned the biggest lesson from this too, and this is, there is a moral at the end of the story. Okay. So this guy I was sleeping with one summer, we had, you know, a couple good dates,

but it was like we would have dinner, go back to his place. He was a chef. So when I woke up the next morning, he'd always be making breakfast naked. And I thought that was super romantic and hot. It's so hot. So that just came. I did. Thank you Come on. And he was a chef. So he had the good ingredients. It wasn't just like, you know, it was like heirloom tomatoes on our toast for breakfast. So I was very charmed by this guy. And my summer break was over. I was going to go back to school.

And it was our last chance to hook up. And I was like, whatever it takes, I know I need to have sex with this guy one last time. And so got my roommates out of the house, called him up. He said he was totally down, but he prefaced that he had been drinking that night. And I was like, I don't see how that's supposed to be an issue. So I invite him over and he shows up

and he's visibly drunk, you know? He's like, he's not slurrinous words. He's just like clearly, you know, like feeling himself. He's got that kind of like, smarmy grin on, you know, that a big dick guy gets when he's a little drunk and he thinks he's gonna like, the drunk man. He's a prowl.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So he's just came again. Yeah. Yeah. So all of this is working for me. I'm fine with it. He smells like whiskey and cigarettes. It's all like, it's very mad men.

Everything that I'm imagining is Don Draper. It's all, it's very Beyoncé. It's like it lyrics would be on Sassal. Yeah. Yeah. Everything sexy. But because he was, you know, he had whiskey dick. And if you don't know what whiskey dick is, it's just when you're too drunk to maintain

or achieve a full blown erection. So not the same as disco dick, which smells because you've been on the dance floor. No, very different. No whiskey dick is, you can get like half hard, you know, and it happens with all kinds of alcohol, seven-year-on-blank dick or vodka dick or Mike's not so hard lemonade. Okay, so that's a rehearsed answer. Anyway. Anyway.

So he has whiskey dick. He gets it just hard enough for us to have sex. So like, it's not the best sex we've ever had, but you know, we're still going through the motions and having a good time. And then we finish and I'm making a small talk. You know, this is, he walked in and we immediately, immediately started having sex. So now all the small talk with the date is coming after the sex while we're naked and kind of like slowly redressing.

And I'm looking around the room for the condom so I can throw it away. And I ask him, do you know where the condom ended up? And he looks around and he goes, oh, I think it's still inside you. Oh. But like, no, he's not thinking any issue of it. He says it very non-plus, very matter of fact, which I guess, I mean, what else can you do in that situation?

But the fact that he had it brought it up until now, like I had to ask where it was and then he remembered, oh, I forgot to tell you, the condom came off my half-heart dick and has now somewhere inside of you. I've heard of this happening to people but I've never actually met someone it's happened to. And the worst part is because of, you know, me wanting to maintain my mistake, is because of me wanting to maintain my mystique, me wanting to like me trying to play it off like it's no big deal. I was like, oh, okay, that's weird. That's never happened before, but oh well, I'll take care of it later because I didn't want to go into the bathroom and have him know I'm sitting out. Exactly. I don't want him imagining that. He's still for the next 45 minutes.

I'm just making small talk with the condom inside of me as we're just like. Did you say 40 five? Did you say 40, 40 five? It's about 40. 45 minutes. And all the while in the back of my brain, I'm thinking it's going to float up to my head. It's going to like get in a longer time.

Yeah, it's like Tom Hanks and that movie, the terminal. You know, I mean, where he's just wandering around and all those tools. Oh my God. But the very worst thing of the whole experience was when I asked him, how did the condom come off? And I was just kind of like stunned. So I was just making conversation, I guess. But I knew how the condom came off. It was because it wasn't hard. His dick was hard enough to keep it on. He says to me, I don't know, your ass is really tight. And he said it like a bad thing.

I was going to say. I'm like, isn't that the point? What do you think, Err? Like a smart, you welcome. Oh my God. Like, yeah, you're welcome. I love how you just were cool. I'm really glad he wasn't like, like, got lost in a gaping

was it sleeper? Yeah, that's what I was thinking. I was like, I was like, yeah, that's what I was thinking. I was like, yeah, that's what he was afraid of. He didn't want him to be like, well, it was like throwing a sausage up an alleyway. You're like, you know, it was too tight. You're grabbing in your black hole just sacking clean up. I love how cool you were that whole time. I was too tired. This is a fucking hell. This is a fucking hell. This is a fucking hell. This is a fucking hell.

This is a fucking hell. This is a fucking hell. This is a fucking hell. This is a fucking hell. This is a fucking hell. This is a fucking hell. This is a fucking hell. This is a fucking hell.

This is a fucking hell. This is a fucking hell. This is a fucking hell. This is a fucking hell. This is a fucking hell. This is a fucking hell. This is a fucking hell. This is a fucking hell.

This is a fucking hell. This is a fucking hell. This is a fucking hell. This is a fucking hell. This is a fucking hell. This is a fucking hell. This is a fucking hell. Coming like an operating theater. Everyone was in strong friends round. Fuckin' scrub it down. Let's go, fuckers. Let's go. What country man? It's 9-1-1. Get the iPhone's green.

It's 9-1-1. It's 9-1-1. It's whatever the fuckers go. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah, get the salad tongs. Yeah, exactly. Do all you got deep breathing and shit that you learn to do when you're having a panic attack. All that. Open it up. Get in there.

I just... Well, you know, and what I say as the moral of the story breathing and shit that you learn to do when you're having a panic attack, all that. Open it up. Get in there. Well, you know, and what I say as the moral of the story, because he blamed it on my asking to type, which I do, which is an amazing Brax. So come on. Yeah, we see what you're doing. I'm not. Okay. No, I say, you know, don't let people blame you for something they did to you.

That was gaslighting to the extreme. Telling me that his little dick lost it. Gaslighting. But I also realize, I also realize now in retrospect, the whole idea of like, well, I've got to leave it in there till he leaves because I don't want to go into the bathroom and have him imagine me. Okay, so that's rooted in the way that we kind of degrade the submissive person or tell the submissive person

that they have to maintain an air of being like perfect, which is rooted in femphobia. It's rooted in whoever is the submissive feminine. The receiver. Exactly. Is that person has to maintain this era of, I don't shit, I don't piss, I don't have any bodily functions. I am just a perfect vessel for fucking.

A vessel for you. I'm a vessel for you. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah. 100%. Well, I think it's a really fucking you. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah. 100%. Well, I think it's a really fucking strong moral of the story. And what I'm saying, don't let people ask like you. And don't let people ask like you.

And don't do the following. Yeah. Anything that goes wrong around the butthole will affect you for the rest of your life, because now, you know, it's such a tender area, Jimmula. Yeah. No, no, you know what? I actually went to something like this. It's very traumatic.

I witnessed something like this, because one of my mother's friends, when I was younger, she was upstairs with her new lover, she'd gone through a divorce, and he was a spicy younger man, and they were getting into all, you know, it was the 90s, it was the early 90s, and so it was a fresh time in sex toys, and they were using sex toys together, none of which she'd ever used. And he had asked her, and I'll tell you why I know this now but he had asked her to shove a vibrator up his ass. Now these are 90s vibrators, okay. Do you remember 90s mobile phones? Do you remember how fucking big they were? Yeah, exactly. It looks like a fire extinguisher. Yeah and it used to have a water bottle. Exactly. And they used to have a battery end. Do you remember? Like they

weren't just like, now they're like round on both sides. Probably because of this very sensitive. Oh, just okay. I'm jumping ahead. She just shoved it in. Battery end already on. And he started screaming. And then she she started screaming and then we all ran upstairs and burst through the door so we didn't know what was happening. I saw this man lying face down crying with this like massive, this gigantic vibrator sticking out of his ass on just kind of like swinging around. Like, ring, ring, ring, r ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, like almost like a lasso, you know. We couldn't get it out.

And so we had to call an ambulance. No, because he was like tightened up, you know what I mean? We became like, jinx level tight. And so many people in this room trying to get this out, like five. It's all, it's a solid five people. So room trying to get this out like five Solid five people so we had to get and I'm gonna they couldn't get it out on the scene either So we're gonna need to like sedate him and so he had to be carried out in the middle of like an extremely fancy and respectable neighborhood Broad daylight like 2 p.m. And they had a sheet over him, but obviously under the sheet,

you can still see this like, like, a red or a red or a red or a ghost under the sheet to go real, real, real. Oh my God. And then you know the bat, how the, the top of the battery packs that like can slide off. Yeah. Back in, in the, yeah. What if that slid off and the battery stayed in? I need, I need to follow up.

Can we do it? Don't follow? I need to follow up. Can we do it? Don't follow up. Why? Yeah. That's what it went. I was like, hey, that guy's got every... That guy's got triple A's in him for the rest of his fucking life. He's got triple A in liquid, just putting him in the end of the rest of his life.

Yeah. He's the juror's cell bunny. He's the energizer bunny. Oh, no. So, just know that it could have been worse, Jinks. Oh, yeah. I mean, I enjoy the funny. Yeah. Oh, no. So just know that it could have been worse, Jinks. Oh, yeah. I mean, I feel fairly lucky in my sex life that, you know, things have been embarrassing, but I'm still having sex.

I haven't been turned off of it completely. Well, we love a queen who survives. Thank you for that ridiculous story. Well, bad dates, right after this. Bad dates. Life is short, and it's full of a lot of interesting questions. What does happiness really mean? How do I get the most out of my time, pure on earth?

And what really is the best cereal? These are the questions I seek to resolve on my weekly podcast Life is Short with Justin Long. If you're looking for the answer to deep philosophical questions, like what is the meaning of life? I can't really help you, but I do believe that we really enrich our experience here by learning from others. And that's why in each episode, I like to talk with actors, musicians, artists, scientists, and many more types of people about how they get the most out of life.

We explore how they felt during the highs and sometimes more importantly, the lows of their careers. We discuss how they've been able to stay happy during some of the harder times, but if I'm being honest, it's mostly just fun chats between friends about the important stuff. Like if you had a sandwich named after you, what would be on it?

Follow Life is short wherever you get your podcasts. You can also listen to Add Free on the Amazon Music or Wondering Up. Okay, welcome back. So while we still recover from the many crazy things that we have just heard, a listener, guys, wrote to us about her bad date, and I have not read this story before, but I have decided to share it with you all. And she says, her name is Mindy, by the way. She has said that it's okay to say her name.

Hi, Jameela, I love you on everything you do, I didn't need to read that out. I didn't know it was coming. She says, and I thought you and in bad dates, might enjoy this crazy story. It's fine if you use my name and I change the guy's name to Brad as I'm not anticipating our lives overlap in any way, ever again. Strong start, Mindy. All right, so I met Brad through a friend of a friend at a point in my life where I was beyond frustrated with online dating and thought I needed a partner desperately to give my life meaning. First mistake.

I reluctantly gave Brad my number after a brief encounter and after texting me endlessly for a week, I agreed to go with him to a black-tie work event his job was throwing at a local casino. He even offered to buy the dress, which felt very pretty woman and not a romantic way. I reassured him that I had dresses appropriate for the event. I just thought, free drinks, Uber home, how bad could it be? I quickly found out. He picked me up at my house. Yeah, he picked me up at my house, and for the first 15 minutes, he was in total disbelief

that I owned my home. I am a 30-something nurse. This is Brad. Is that your house? Me. Yeah, I bought it a few years ago. Brad, but who Is that your house? Me. Yeah, I bought it a few years ago. Brad, but who pays for your house? Me. I do. Brad, but like who pays the mortgage, shaking his head since I clearly wasn't understanding his questions. Me, I do. Brad, so your dad helps you. Me.

Fuck off Brad. No, it's my house, the bank, and I own it. Brad, okay, so how many roommates do you have? What a fucking cunt! I'm like God, I'm done with you. He's going on the list. Okay, me, none. Brad, but wait, who pays for it? Oh my God, me, I do. Why is this so weird? And Brad said, you don't know? Okay, so she says, I went silent partially out of frustration and partially from confusion. He then launched into a long qualifying conversation about how he makes 250,000 a year and he could have a house but doesn't blah blah blah. He would rather stay liquid in case some shit went down. Never explained what shit he was referring to.

He also had insisted he pick me up from the event, but said on the way there that he wasn't going to be able to bring me home, so that he was planning on getting, quote unquote, fucked up, and didn't want to drive, so he got a hotel room. He reassured me he would pay for an Uber for me if necessary. Foolishly, I stayed in the car.

Oh, this is a long letter. This is also so well written, by the way, Mindy. So we got to the event, all white men. He said, people think we don't have a lot of diversity here, but look, I'm pointed to only two black men in the room. And they're gay too. So like the two for one, he said. Then he went.

Sleezes, grudges. Then he went for a high five from me. Oh my God. My dear, in response, more of this victory. I smiled and I kept my hands. Brad's got to find me deep. Yeah, I smiled and kept my hands by my side. Then he introduced me to all of his colleagues saying,

this is Mindy, this is our first date. She doesn't know it yet, but we're going to get married and fall madly in love. And then we sat at our table where Mr. Romance only stayed for a few minutes and kept disappearing. It turns out Brad has a major Coke habit, which probably explains why he couldn't afford to buy a house.

Let's be honest. Yeah, I was doing lines in the bathroom all night. Then went from table to table, assaulting helpless co-workers with Chris Farley and Christopher Walken impressions. Oh, my God. He was hilarious. And thought anyone who would listen that he should be on SNL. I knew this because he would stumble over

and knock everybody's drinks over while screaming, get lawnmikeos on the phone. ASAP, because I found his new star. Oh, my God. I feel like only Matthew McConaughey could play this person, you know. Mercifully at night, she says, the event ended abruptly. I immediately set up my Uber ride.

Brad was drunk and coked out. He was screaming and yelling as we left the ballroom and went into the main casino lobby and then turned to me and screamed, hey, Mrs. Future Brad. Oh, ugh. I've got something important to tell you. Then he ran backwards down the escalator,

got to the bottom and began singing. I had the time of my life. That's the best thing he's done. Oh, it ought to. It's the best fucking thing he's done all night running back with down the escalator. That's cool. That's the best thing he's fucking done all night.

Yeah. Then he shouted at me to run towards him, like dirty dancing. Come on, he said it. Everyone in the main entrance of the casino stopped and watched us, then he dropped his pants and started calling his penis swaysy. Making horrible even worse, he spun his crotch towards the African-American gay couple and started singing, oh my god, Haku no Matata from the lion king at them. Looping his penis like a conductor's baton in tempo.

I saw my opportunity for escape, ran outside, hopped into my uber, and as it pulled away, ran over and was knocking on the car window and screaming, that's my future wife! I screamed for the driver to get me out of there, and he got me home so fast that I tipped him so much he tried to give the money back. When I walked into my house and I owned, I saw a text on my phone from Brad that simply said, was it something I said? No.

With three sad face emojis, needless to say, the friend of my friend is no longer a friend. Love you on the show. Brad's not okay. Brad is not okay. Oh my god, how much worst did Brad other dates go that he was like this one? I'm gonna be my wife. I listening to that story all I can think is and that man Brad went on to be the insurrection Viking on January 6th.

That's the only thing that can possibly make sense. Yeah, the Jumericwai guy. Oh, the Jumericwai guy. Yeah, because also, like, poor old Jumericwai has been gone for like 15 years. We haven't seen him in the zeit guy. So everyone was like, that's why he's been out too. Oh my God, Brad's not a guy. Oh my God, Brad. Brad's not a eye, fucking hell. I'm truly like, truly sweating from that story.

I lost a condom at my butt, but I... Yeah, but that's... ...feel my heart breaks from me. That's tear, that's also just like in terrifying as well. That's like... That's next level terrifying for me. Yeah. What do we think?

Because it's like an embarrassment of Richard's hit, right? What do we think is the most cringy part of that date? Brad. Um, yeah. Brad. I think the high five, I think the high five of all of Brad's attributes, the high five is punctuation on his douchebag behavior that really makes it all sing.

I don't know what, what was it, Tina Fey did, but in one of the shows she's done, you know, she high-fired herself. I can't have imagined that happening. He'd go, hey, don't not doing it. He's just having to do it himself. I mean, I just think this story is the perfect example of what, to the extent at which the patriarchy is also bad

for men. Yes. You know, because he had to have been so uninhibited in his life. So few people holding him back that he got to this point. You know, like, it's a very indicative of straight white cis male privilege. That's the limit he is necessarily. Exactly.

No one said no to this man enough in life that this was what he thought was a good first date. Yeah, that's what I mean. I'm interested to see how he's probably like him that message to her at the end going, was it something I said? You're like, yes, fuck, Stain, like, are you kidding? What happened? But also, I shout out to Mindy

for staying that long to acquire that many details. She's clearly a funny, but that's pretty entertaining. She's a pretty, an opportunity for a hilarious anecdote. Absolutely. She's stuck it through. She's a legend, she's a queen.

She's a legend. Yeah, she's a queen. She's a legend. Yeah, she's a legend, she's a lifeguard. She's a survivor. Mindy is the moment, yeah. And frankly, I eventually will have to write new stand-up material. So I'm thinking I need to get Brad's number and just for the story of it, because I mean,

Mindy has like an hour-long special right there. Absolutely. I was just thinking the same thing. I have to write a new stand-up show as well. Maybe. I'll write, maybe Mindy and I write one. And then, Jinx, you come on with Brad after, and it's like a whole fucking thing.

Mindy, this has been the best response to a story we've had so far. What a great fucking letter. Thank you for including so much detail. Thanks for sticking it out with Brad so that we could have this hilarious moment. It's brought everyone much joy and we have no choice but to stand Mindy. Yeah. And please let me use it in my new standup show. Okay, so thank you

me. I always I always ask and you can decide whether or not to answer, but any words of advice for people on the dating scene out there. I would say it's always best to get the big things out first, like right away. Yeah, get out of here right away. Get it out of you before the date starts. I like to be an open book because I need to know right away if the person can chill. I need to know right away because just like you said, Celeste, this is a tall order. I'm a lot to take on.

And I met my husband because I met someone who was patient and I guess amused enough by me to stick around long enough. And you got to learn those things early on. It's also a courtesy. Give this person an out before they invest too much time in you. 100% absolutely. Absolutely. I agree.

I agree. I think get it all out at the beginning. And don't anyone name Brad ever? And you know what I mean? But if your name is, we're going to change your fucking name now. Like put a different name on your dating app. Yeah, sorry, Mr. Pitt. I would say the case file actually, Brad embodies everything that you just said. Brad is a master of what you just said.

Brad let it all hang out, okay? And there is while he, we don't like this man. He did, no one can say that he didn't give it his special. Yeah, I was extremely forthright. He was by himself figuratively and mysterally. Yeah. Do you know what? There's a very good chance that he probably went home. If you look at it like that, he probably went home that night and went, okay, good to know. That's probably a bit much. So next time, we're just going to do like a coffee and a hike. And then I'm just going to fucking chill. I need to see where we're going and now I know that that was probably a little bit too much.

Oh, what a wild ride. Honestly, I feel sweaty and joyous. Thanks for coming on for such a fun episode. You're both hilarious. Come back anytime and I adore you both. I just feel very close to you now. This has been so fun. This has been so fun. Coming to an end. Yeah. Jinks, you're an icon of our generation. Celeste, you are just one of my favourite people of all time.

I'm so happy that I know you here and in the real world. I love you, though. I love you, thanks. Thank you for coming. Thank you so much. Thank you. Have a great day. Bye. Bye. I love you both. Thank you for coming. Thank you so much. Thank you. Have a great day. Bye.

Bye. Celeste Barbour's comedy special fine thanks in her comedy series, Wellmania, are both on Netflix and you can find her upcoming tour dates on Celeste Barbour.com. Jinx Monsoon is on tour this summer and you can find information at JinxMonsoon.com. And don't forget to look for her upcoming comedy special Redhead Redemption. Bad dates is produced by Smartless Media and Wondery, created by Robert Cohen. Executive producers are Robert Cohen and Jermila Jamil. That's me. Produced by Stuart Bailey. Produced, engineered and edited by Devon Tori Bryant. Talent producer is Anne Harris. Associate producer is Maddie McCann. Music by

cushy and ebb and schlector. Executive producers are Will Arnett, Jason Bateman and Sean Hove. Executive producers for Smartless Media are Richard Coulson and Bernie Kaminsky. If you've had a bad day and you'd like to tell us all about it, our number is 984-265-3283, and our email is baddate-pot at gmail.com. We can't wait to hear all about it. That's all for this week. We will see you next time for more bad dates. Thank you.

Smart. Left. Me. Yeah. Hello, Prime Members! You can listen to bad dates early and add free on Amazon Music. Download the Amazon Music app today, or you can listen early and add free with Wondery Plus in Apple Podcasts. Before you go, tell us about yourself by completing a short survey at Wondery.com slash survey.

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