Bad Dates with Jameela Jamil - We All Heard Carl: Live in LA (w/ Sarah Silverman, Jillian Bell, and Mae Martin)

Episode Date: September 11, 2023

On this special LIVE episode of Bad Dates, Jameela welcomes comedians Sarah Silverman, Jillian Bell, and Mae Martin to the stage at Dynasty Typewriter in Los Angeles to discuss their most iconic dating fiascos. Sarah’s Carl is marooned up a particular creek with no paddle, but it’s the chocolate-covered fruitsicle that will be his downfall. Jillian’s Carl engineers an adorable meet cute, but unfortunately bad dates come in threes. Mae’s Carl tucks them in as snug as a bug in a rug, but something sinister lurks below the duvet. Plus, two of our audience members tell us about their own Carls.This live show was a benefit for the SAG-AFTRA Foundation and The Entertainment Community Fund.SAG-AFTRA Foundation: https://members.sagfoundation.org/donateThe Entertainment Community Fund: entertainmentcommunityfund.org/donate Sarah Silverman: https://sarahsilvermanmerch.com/Jillian Bell: @jillianbell on Twitter and InstagramMae Martin: https://www.maemartin.net/See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Are you guys ready for a great show? Please keep that love going. This is being recorded so lack out loud as much as you possibly can. And make it loud for your hosts, Jamila Jamil! Thanks. Hi! Hello everyone, give it up for Zach, no he towers, but God save! Hello, how are you? Are you well? Thank God, because I'm shitting myself. I'm very afraid of being alone on stage, if you've ever seen my Twitter, you will know

that I'm someone who far too often allows the intrusive thoughts to win. And so it doesn't feel super safe, but thankfully for all of us, I'm going to be joined on stage by three of the funniest people in the world. Can we give a little round of applause for Gillian Bell? Such a hilarious actress and human and one of my best friends and one of my favorite humans on the planet May Martin and the comedy icon that is Sarah Bucking Silverman. I so appreciate you being here today. I am not only thankful that you've come out to support such a disgusting podcast. I thought the world was done when it came to Jizz and Pooh, but it turns out you can't get enough, so thank you very much for that.

But most importantly, thank you for coming out tonight to support the Hollywood strike. All of the money from tonight is going to the Entertainment Fund to make sure that we can help support all of the crew and the artists who are being impacted by these greedy, callous, shortsighted, fucking bastards at the studios. It is absolute country. Can we please boo the studios? Boo! And now can we give the biggest yay ever to Gillian Bell, May Martin and Sarah Silverman? CHEERING AND APPLAUSE So I, just for anyone who doesn't know, there's a podcast about the funniest and silliest things

that have ever happened on the road to love or shagging or both, preferably both, also fun. And these three have kindly come here today to share their best stories. Before we get into those stories, I just first want to know what each of you are like when it comes to dating. Are you fun to date? Do you enjoy dating? Sarah, I'm going to go first with you. You have the most horrified face. Well, I don't, I, you know, when I was thinking of this, I was like,

I haven't been on many dates. Like, I'm usually, I, I, I, locate a person, I zero in on a person. And then I, um, Google it. Google it. And then like 38 minutes invite him to hang out and then like 38 minutes into it,

we're having sex and then we're together for at least two years. So I'm just like, I just happened like, I did go on one date, not long, I don't know, four years ago where it was like a date. Like he picked me up, we went to a restaurant and he ordered for me. Stop.

It was crazy. Wait, did you like it or not like it? I was giggling just like uncomfortably, which I've literally done through sexual assault. But like, I'm scared. Because, you know, no one's telling you it's going to be tragic.

It's like, there's no slow motion. There's no music playing. That's like, no, this is a serious moment. Hi. Hi. Wait, well, was the question? Did he have your order for me? Yeah, this one guy, he ordered for me.

And he ordered like a meat thing. Like, he should have this sausage something. And I was like, oh, I don't, I don't eat meat. And he was like, and then instead of like, well, what would you like? He was like, well, what's the best, the best, the best vegetable. Oh my god.

I still have that. And I'm just like, I found it amusing. And I giggled. And I was just like, I've never, no one's ever like ordered for me before. And he was like, well, I don't think Shivalry is dead. And I'm just like, what part of Shivalry is just- I think it just died in that moment.

Yeah, that was the death of it. Taking choices away from you. The woman will have a me-tore of vegetable. Yeah. But I did try to fuck him. But it didn't happen. Yeah, so. What do you mean you tried?

Well, it's funny. He took me home. He came up. And I literally between dinner and coming to my apartment, watch him get a cold. And it's the best. You ever see someone get a cold? It was crazy.

I go, am I watching you get sick? Can you show me what that looks like? He was like, well, normally I like to, I can't do it to the old, I don't know what I was improvising. I'm not a good improviser, but it was a sentence. And he suddenly, like his nose, you could tell just, you know how in my pool, my nose will just stop breathing. Like I get something in my pool must make me allergic.

Anyway, that's what I watched happen. He came up, I gave him some hypospheric vitamin C, which you should take every day. It's really incredible. This is hot. But pricey, pricey for packet. We need to lose. Others are on the show.

I'm sorry. But yeah, and then he kissed me, even though he had a cold, but it was different times. And I did do my move where I put my finger like inside his gene top. But then he was like, this is your move. I don't know, it's almost. You're just like, oh, just holding it. He's kissing me and then I like put my finger down the front

of his, is that how to move? I love it. I would have 100% full thought holding it. Like he's kissing me and then I like put my finger down the front of his. Does that have to move? I love it. I would have had to hold that. Is that not a move? I want to know what everyone's doing to show you. It's like this. I'll do it three year.

But then just kind of like we're kissing and then I just go like, it's good. It's not bad. I love this move. Because I can, you know, I don't know. Anyway, he, yeah, didn't know. Anyway, yeah. It must be kind of relaxing to know what your move is. Feel like I'll just do my move.

Like that. I mean, I think there's the first time I've ever articulated it even in my own brain. That's your brain. That's your brain. And Julian, what about yourself? Do you enjoy dating? Are you good at it?

I don't know. I usually get a second date. That's pretty good. I'm not afraid. Round of applause for Jillian. Thank you guys. Sorry. I'm really okay.

Yeah, I'm all right at it. I feel like I try to win though, you know? Like a slime. Like a slime. Am I charming? And hope for the best. But I do remember a bad date I went on that's not my story, you know?

Oh, which is that I went out with this guy. We met at a karaoke bar, which is the first sign I shouldn't have gone out with them, but we went out and he was like, how about a museum date? And I said, great. And then I was like, oh, it's free. It's just, you know. Yeah, yeah, like, oh, it's free. You know.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wait, is that a good thing or a bad thing? I don't know. I don't know. Maybe spend a couple pin. Oh, 100%. Yeah. But then he was like, let's get a meal.

So we walked over and we got some dinner. And he ate a full meal. Was it a happy meal? Yeah. Yeah. It was a decent meal, it wasn't a McDonald's. And when it was done, the waitress came by and he goes, forgot my wallet. No! And I go, oh, I, and then I started to reach and the waitress goes,

oh, is it in your car, we can wait. Oh my God. Oh my God. And I was like, I love you. And he goes, I mean, I think she was reaching through and I go, yeah, he goes, I only have like a few bucks on me. And I was like, okay, so I paid for it. And then we walked to where my car was valid.

And I go, oh look, it's only like a few bucks. And he goes, well, it's been a great night. And he walked away. And I paid for that too. And then years later, years. He called me and he left me a voicemail. What? And he said, I was really going through some stuff during that time,

and I really want to apologize to you. So now we all love him. Oh. That's a nice happy ending. Yeah. That's so nice. Yeah, it's very sweet. You're a nice and a generous date, and I think you won that date for sure.

Thank you. May, how would you describe dating? Do you enjoy it? Are you good to date? I can imagine you're the fucking best. Oh, I think if I'm single, I'm like a prolific date or like I like dates. I like an activity.

I like, but I don't know if I'm really myself. Like I have like a book in my bag with like interesting facts to deploy. And like I do a lot of like escape rooms and do you have a favorite fact of your facts? Oh, I mean, yeah, so many. Okay, but like one time Arthur Conan Doyle, who wrote, this is just the one that came to me, who wrote, that's the best. So I love that.

Yeah, I was about to say, wrote Shakespeare. Yeah, Arthur Conan Doyle, he was watching a cricket game and the ball flew into the audience and it struck him in his thigh. And in his thigh, he had a pack of matches that exploded. And like lit him on fire. So I was like, this is fucking amazing fact actually. Thank you.

I also do a lot of escape rooms and that's really, some people really hate that. And like, and you know, feel pressured to do it. They're invited. And then, and I love the intensity of an escape room. And I did take someone of an escape room, and I did take someone recently who was like, there's no actors, there's no live actors, and I was like, no, and I even checked, there's no live actors, and they were like, we'll see, and I just didn't pass that on. And then the first thing that happened was she was chained to a chair, I was in a dungeon,

and a guy with a chain saw came running out at her, I felt off, I felt like I promised he's not an actor. What you, what you also like in prison somehow. I was in, I was behind it because I couldn't get there to help. Oh man, it was scary. So that's how it felt. Okay, so slightly dangerous to date, but generally a sweetheart with a lot of facts. Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think we'd all day you happily, happily. All right, so I want to get into, okay, several people already. Ghost Sound Reel. At least is a journalist. That's what I've always believed. Sure, odd things happen in my childhood bedroom. But ultimately, I shrugged it all off. That is, until a couple of years ago, when I discovered that every subsequent argument of that house is convinced they've experienced something inexplicable too.

Including the most recent inhabitant who says she was visited at night by the ghost of a faceless woman. And it gets even stranger. It just so happens that the alleged ghost haunting my childhood room might just be my wife's great grandmother. It was murdered in the house next door by two gunshots to the face. From wandering in Pineapple Street Studios comes ghost story, a podcast about family secrets, overwhelming coincidence, and the things that come back to haunt us. Follow ghost story wherever you get your podcasts. Listen everywhere on October 23rd or you can binge early and add free on Wondery Plus

the same day. His daughter He's in the hands of a madman. What are the police have been looking for me? But nothing can stop a father We want to find her just as much as you do I doubt that very much. From doing what the law can't And we have to do this the very way You have to I don't

Bosch Legacy Watch the new season now streaming exclusively on FreeV Like you see, watch the new season now streaming exclusively on FreeVee. Sarah, will you go first and tell me the story, the tale of Sweetcom? It was the late 90s. I was dating this lovely, lovely guy. We're gonna call him Sweet Carl. Or Carl. But the name of this story is Sweet Carl.

All right. Carl and I go to my sister. Carl is not his name, but it's gonna be his name. Because I wanted just a very difficult name that looks, seems like one syllable, but is clearly two. Carl. Where if I was like, why would you call him Carl? That you can't even say my name.

I don't know. All right. My boyfriend's name is Rory. Okay. Carl. Carl. Carl and I go, uh, I'm pretty glad to not be the only one stoned on the stage right now. Oh, God.

I've had so much cloning pin. I could be peeing right now. I would have no idea. Oh, yeah, I'm numb from the waist down. Yeah. Carl and I went to visit my sister Susie, Rabbi Susie in Massachusetts. She was living in Massachusetts at this time.

She has five kids, maybe at this time she had four. But we stayed in the attic. They have a little room, you know, those add-ics, they have a little room and then a little bathroom. So we get in late at night, we go to sleep, we wake up in the morning, one of the nieces wakes us up, it's so cute.

And then Carl goes to wash up and I go downstairs and I hang out with my sister, we make breakfast, we eat breakfast, we're talking, we're laughing. And all of a sudden we're like, where's Carl? And I'm like, Carl? Nothing. And then I go up the stairs to look up the stairs. The others, there's like the little stairs to the attic.

And I'm like, and then I see the bathroom door is closed and I go, oh, because we're not like very, we're not at a point where I'm going to be like, Carl? Are you making a BM? You know, like it's like not every point where I'm gonna be like, Carl, are you making a BM? You know, like it's like not every night. I'm not, so I just said it because my mom used to say BM and it still makes me like get embarrassed.

So I go downstairs and I say, Susie, I think he's in the bathroom and she goes, ah, ah, ah, ah. And, um, don't explain why, just leave it there. Yeah, before I explain why, I just want to say, my sister does that for anything, so I'm not worried yet. I can take you back to the day she got her driver's license. She's seven years older than me, so like I was,

she was 16 and I was nine, and she took me to McDonald's to the drive-through, you know, because she got to drive, and I was nine and she took me to McDonald's to the drive through You know because she got to drive and I had to sit in the back seat and then we're driving home And I did this thing with the straw, you know like I can hear it as you're doing it It goes like I'm moving the strap and down my cup the chick. Yeah, it goes You know and Susie goes And Susie goes, he almost got an accident and I was like, what? And she goes,

oh my god, it's your shake. And I remember going, what did you think it was? And she goes, I thought it was a clown laughing. So, anyway, cut to many years later, it's like, I don't know, 99.

I love her. And she does that. Woo! You know, and I'm like, what? And she says, I totally forgot to tell you that that bathroom is out of order. It does not flush. And then we just both started like sobbing crying,

because there's like, what do you even do? Like, and uh... I couldn't, I wasn't gonna be like, f***ing f***ing. Did you poop, you know, whatever, and I'm, we're just like, f***ing out. Oh! LAUGHTER

LAUGHTER LAUGHTER Oh, we're gonna edit that out. Whoa, edit that out, edit that out. This is a fucking safe space. This is a ball. This is a circle of trust. I'm so sorry. No one repaid that it was f***ing.

We all heard Carl. We all heard Carl. We all heard Carl. We all heard Carl. Thanks. Sorry for drawing attention to it. We all heard Carl. We all heard Carl. Thanks. Sorry for drawing attention to it. I feel like everyone was.

So Carl was on his own. He is going to have to figure this out for himself. Well, a much longer later, he came down, we're all kind of looking around, but all right, he seems like totally he didn't have anything to tell us, he was just like, wow, he's just hanging out and I did kind of peak up there at one point, immaculate. So all I can imagine is either sheer terror, terror, just sheer terror made, gave him plumbing Sheer terror. Terror? Just sheer terror made, gave him plumbing skills.

Or he picked up that poop and threw it out the window. Like a fucking winner. Yeah, by the way. I appreciate it. That's pretty much it. A little later in the day, we're all hanging out laughing. And I remember laughing in the morning. And I was like, Susie, what were we laughing about this morning?

And then she looked at me and I had a heart attack and we very quickly changed the subject. I'm still very good friends with Carl. And we ended up, we broke up actually on 9-11 over a chocolate-covered fruit sickle. We ended up, we broke up actually on 9-11 over a chocolate-covered fruit sickle. But this is relevant, by the way. It is?

It is. And we're gonna tell the story. You're gonna tell the story. Oh, well, this I feel bad, but we were in my apartment, I had a little apartment and 9-11 happened. And it was on the phone with my sisters. We're crying.

It's terrifying. It's, you know. But several hours later, at some point, we're like, I'm starving. You know, so we want to get something to eat. And remember that day, everyone you pass, you're like looking at each other like, oh my god. Or a war. Like, this is crazy.

I'll have to number nine. I'll have to number War. Like, this is crazy. I'll have to number nine. I'll have to number nine. Yeah, it's like, sad ordering is so weird. Like, God, is this the end times and horrible? Can I sub cheese for?

I was about to do it. Do you want dipping sauces? Yeah. So we went, we come back to my place, and he's already like, I'm gonna write, you know? I mean, I feel like that's a nice whole way of doing his voice, he's like, I'm gonna write. All right, so he's writing at my desk, and I'm on the phone with my sister,

and he comes in for a second, peeks into the bedroom where I'm on the phone and he's got this chocolate covered fruit sickle and he's like, we're gonna go on a curve and I'm like, yeah, yeah, I go, will you tell me a favor? Would you get a paper towel for that? And he's like, hmm, yeah. So a little while later I come out

and I sit on his lap, hey, what you working on? And I see, I had sit on his lap, hey, what you working on? And I see, I had just gotten this used wooden desk, like a wooden table. The paper towels here, and the chocolate covered fritzicles just melting here, you know? And I still keep my shit together, like a hero. And I go, a car all the paper dowels

for the chocolate-covered fruit sickle, you know? He goes, he doesn't go, oh my gosh, I'm sorry. He just leaves it there. He goes, it's chocolate on a table. And I go, oh boy. Yeah, I go, all right. But it's my table and I don't want chocolate. I mean, I could get bugs.

It's chocolate on a table. And I'm like, mm, okay, so I go to pee. But then in the time I peed, I was like, fuck that motherfucker. And I know it's starting 11 and there's more important things, but I come back and I go, pick that up. That's my table and I don't want melted chocolate on it. And he says, it's chocolate on a table.

Oh, my God. And I said, get the fuck out of my apartment. That was the last day we dated. But he is an excellent man. An excellent man. and I love that. An excellent man, but I think it's striking that he's willing to handle his own poo with his bare hands, but will not pick up a chocolate.

Chocolate on a table. Popsicle. He's eating. Yeah, is? That is a good point. Maybe he was jerking off in the bathroom. For two hours. OK, yeah, very, very, very, very, very, hours. Okay, yeah, fair, fair.

Two hours? It was like, it was not a lot. I wish I hadn't said it. And if I found out that we're true, I would be thrilled. It's my like, it's my like, escape room brand, right? I'm like, is there another way? I had a brief thought that maybe it's not in the hole, but is it in the back compartment?

You think he took a shit in the tank? No, I just took a shit in the hole, but then put it in the tank. Oh my God. Why would he move it to the tank every flush after that? The water would be poopy. I know. Ah.

Ah. Ah. Have you guys seen Lee and Belle? She's been with some people just want to see the world. Where are you? I've never seen Jillian look this alive. She is.

I started with Sarah talking about the guy who got a cold. Through the date, that is the funniest thing I've ever heard and watched to happen to people? Have you guys heard that news story about that girl who went to, right? Yes. Who went to, one of our favorites, who went to her boyfriend's parents' house for dinner. This is true. It's not urban myth.

It's true. It's in the papers. There's a fucking amazing photograph of it online that I urge you to go and Google after this show, where she went to the toilet, she was feeling a little bit nervous. We've all done a nervous poo, alright, we've all done it. But she did it in his parents house, it was ginormous and it broke the toilet, right? So it wasn't going to flush. So she panicked, she didn't know how she was going to get out of this. And so she did the natural thing, which was pick it up,

just like Carl, with her bare hands, and tried to throw it out of the window. But unfortunately, his family were quite well off and had double glazing. And so it got trapped in between the double glazing. This is only one was open. Very high, yeah. Oh, my god.

It gets better. It gets better. She decides, like, the gallant hero that she is, to try to climb into this double glazing, like this, reached down. And there is a photograph of her. She got stuck. Like this.

Stuck in between. The double glazing. And the fire brigade had to come to remove her and save her. And that photograph is how she will be immortalized for the rest of her life. But you know what's so nice is they stayed together. There was an early date and they stayed together. I remember reading the article and at the end it so what's so nice is they stayed together. There was an early date and they stayed I remember reading the article and at the end it was like they they kept dating they stayed together. So it was like an early date and then he was like what a legend.

Yeah. Yeah. Bad dates. Emily, do you remember when one direction called it a day? I think you'll find there are still many people who can't talk about it. Well luckily we can. A lot, because our new season of terribly famous is all about the first One Directioner to go it alone. Zayn Malik. We'll take you on Zayn's journey from Shilad from Bradford to being in the world's biggest boy band and explore why when he reached the top,

he decided to walk away. Follow terribly famous wherever you get your podcasts. Totally famous. Gillian. Oh, you're up next. Oh, yeah. Oh, no. OK, everyone, please get ready for once, twice, three times a ladies. All right, well, three times a day. All right. Well, sometimes dates are good.

Yeah, I don't know if you know that, but they are. And it doesn't really help. And the spot cough. First. The first date I had with this guy, Carl. Carl. I'm not going to name him. But everyone's called on the show.

Yeah, everyone's Carl. I'm not going to name him. But everyone's call on the show. Yeah, everyone's carol. I'm not carol. I listen. I am a lady of a certain age. I saw him on Instagram. I thought, what do the kids do? You follow him? You see if he follows you back.

And then you go in the DMs. And I did that. And it said a funny thing. And it said a funny thing and he said a funny thing that we got each other's numbers. It was going great. Then he's like, you know, maybe we should make this official. Maybe we should meet up, have a cup of coffee. And I said, oh, well, I don't drink coffee.

I love water. And he said, great, I go, but I go for a drink. He said, I don't drink. I like water. He said great. I go, but I go for a drink. He said, I don't drink. I like water. So what should we do? So then he said, well, what is, what do they do like in a meat queue? Let's like make a meat queue. And I'm like, that's sweet as heck. And I said, like in a Jennifer Lopez movie. And he said, yeah, what are they doing those? And I said, well, usually it's like, oh, I'm a chef and I met the guy in a cookbook aisle at my local bookstore. And he said, well, we're doing that. What's the one closest to you? So this is great, right? Oh my gosh, I'm loving it. So then I'm just standing there staring at God

damn cookbooks, just sweating, just waiting. And then not wanting to be the first one to see him. And then he walks up and he's very handsome. And we hung out for a little bit, walked up and down Ventura Boulevard. And I got in my car to drive him to his car. And there was Christmas music playing and we kissed. Is that the loveliest race date I ever? Great, second date.

We go to a nice restaurant. Lovely. We're having a good time. Maybe we should go for a walk again. It's kind of our thing. So we go for a walk. So we go for a walk. And he says to me, I could tell he's nervous. And I'm like, what's going on, buddy?

And he's like, you know, I really think we should tell each other every single relationship we've ever been in. Why? Why? And I was like, OK. Well, there's this guy, and he's like, great, here's my past. And I'm like, okay. And then he goes, I just want to say, I'm not going to marry you

right now. Exactly. And I thought, I do. So I just kept proposing to him for the whole night to win him over. There's that charm. And by the end of the day, we were kind of laughing about it. And I'm like, yeah, and he's handsome.

I'm going to forget about it. Third date. This was the last date. Don't worry. It doesn't keep going. Third date. This was the last date to worry. It doesn't keep going. Third date. I said, I'm going to make you dinner. Come over to my house. I'm going to make you dinner. He said, this is all over text. Great. What can I bring you? I said, nothing just a bunch of flowers. And he said, huh? And I'm like, no, I'm just getting just come over.

So he shows up 40 minutes late with a bottle of wine that he won't drink. And I'm like, what's happening? And he goes, I went to go get you flowers because of that you said that for the bit. So I'm getting all these flowers together. And I'm like, no, she needs to know, I don't get women flowers. And I'm like, come on in. I'm like, but you bought wine and he goes,

yeah, then I felt bad not bringing anything. So I stopped to go to follow wine. So he comes in, we have dinner and he's looking around my home making slight judgments. He's like, tarot cards and I go, yeah, just for fun because that's a trigger for me and I go, okay. Wow. Did he explain why? His mother used to do them and she never explained them to him so it really freaks him out. Did he say why he doesn't buy women flowers? No, never got to the bottom of that.

I just let that slide on by. I do kind of love the idea of a mom sitting their son down every day after school, laying out tarot cards and being like, it's bad, but not explaining it. But it's like, it's not as real, and it's like, I don't know, man. That is a psychological torture.

You're just going to be able to control them and telling them terrible things are going to happen if they don't clean their room. You do, right, you say. Right, so now he needs to let women know you're not getting flowers. You're not going to get flowers. You're not going to get flowers. You're not going to get flowers. You're not going to get flowers. You're not getting flowers, bitch. Mom. Yeah.

So then. So I have a dog. And my dog was outside of the backyard. And I was like, oh, he's kind of afraid of this, you know, fireworks or something like that. And he said, he goes, oh, you're one of those people who like let's human emotions on animals. I go, yeah.

Oh, yeah, I didn't know that was a problem. Because fear is an emotion only human's eyes. Exactly. Exactly. So, he says, can I come sit by you guys like why the heck not? It's going so great. And he proceeds to kiss me and then push me away and go, I'm not your boyfriend just to be clear.

Oh my god, this fucking guy. Oh my god. What the fuck is this? Is he a woman? I don't know. She's... I don't know. She's... I don't know. The end of this... I'm getting to the end of this. I'm sorry, I'm taking so long. No, I'm having a lovely time.

Okay, so good, good. I do. I'm glad. I'm having a lovely time. So, for some reason, I'm saying, want to see the rest of the house. I think I was like, but as well, try to get laid. Yeah. You put the time in, yeah. Yeah, yeah. I live, so it's me, my sister and her husband.

We all live together in a sitcom house. And they're on the other side of the house, but we went up to my room when we started to kiss like a little bit. And they's like, I just feel like they can hear me, and I'm like, I think you should go. So we go downstairs, and I walk him out of the front, and he just stares at me, and I go,

man, I bought a new bra for this, too. And he goes, you did? Can I see it? And I go, yeah, all right. And I lift it up my shirt. Over my head. And I put my shirt back down and he goes, this is me. And he lifts his shirt over his head.

I'm like, call. And he goes, we're never going to see each other again. Are we? And I go, nah. That's crazy. That's crazy. And the craziest part is we did. Years later, he said, I want to take you to a movie. It's really important to me.

I've already seen it. We went. We saw uncut gems. What? I want to take you to a movie. It's really important to me. I've already seen it. We went. We saw uncut gems. What? What? What? What?

Spoiler alert. Plug yours if you don't want to know. Someone gets shot in the head at the end of the movie. And then he leaned over to kiss me and I go, yeah, right. And the movie is so stressful. I leaned over to kiss me and I go, yeah, right. LAUGHTER That movie is so stressful. If the year was stressed for like four days after that. I was having heart palpitations.

I was like, what? And he's like, my tongue. I'm like, no. Did he apologize for like the other guy? Like, was he like, I was going through a weird time? No. This guy sucks. I think he felt great about it.

Why did he explain why it was important that you see this movie? No. He really doesn't explain a lot. And I guess I don't ask follow-up questions. I can't think of truly anything cuter I've ever heard of than two adults just lifting their tops up at each other. Just like, you know, like we did when we were little.

Like, not adults, other children. Yeah. Where we just feel like, oh, will he some fun? This is me. Yeah. Please God tell me someone else did that. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Great, thank you.

That's just the sweetest, it feels like it should be in a movie. I know, I want to put it in a movie, yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, great. Thank you. That's just the sweetest. It feels like it should be in a movie. I know, I want to put it in a movie, but I wonder if anybody would believe it was real. It's best they don't. They'll be like, she's so creative. You're such a legend for still showing him your bra. Well, someone needs to see it. I love that story so much.

Thank you very much. Bad beats! The seaside town of Amble is cold, grey and run down. So when a wild dolphin appears, it's the miracle everyone's been waiting for. It was like a magical draw. I'm going and nothing can stop me. I must meet this stuff.

Some believe Freddy has healing powers, others that he's an alien. Everyone wants to swim with him. It's just, oh, this world, you know. Until one day someone is accused of taking things way too far. Alan Cooper committed an act of allude, obscene and disgusting nature. A tabloid scandal leads to a court battle that grips the whole country. By behaving in an indecent manner with a bottle nose dolphin.

From Wondry and Blanchard House, I'm Becky Milligan and this is Hooked On Freddy. Listen to Hooked On Freddy on the Wondry and Blanchard House, I'm Becky Milligan, and this is Hooked on Freddy. Listen to Hooked on Freddy on the Wondry app, or wherever you get your podcasts. Deep in the enchanted forest, from the whimsical world of Disney Frozen, something is wrong. Arondelle is in danger once again from dark forces threatening to disrupt the peace and tranquility. And it's up to Anna and Elsa to stop the villains before it's too late. For the last ten years, Frozen has mesmerized millions around the world. Now, Wondry presents Disney Frozen, Forces of Nature podcast,

which extends the storytelling of the beloved animated series as an audio-first original story, complete with new characters and a standalone adventure set after the events of Frozen 2. Reunite with the whole crew! Anna, Elsa, Olaf, and Kristoff for an action-packed adventure of fun, imagination, and mystery. Follow along as the gang enlist the help of old friends and new as they venture deep into the forest and discover the mysterious copper machines behind the chaos. And count yourself amongst the allies as they investigate the strange happenings in the enchanted forest.

The only question is, are Anna and Elsa able to save their peaceful kingdom? Listen early and add free to the entire season of Disney Frozen Forces of Nature podcast, along with exclusive bonus content on Wondery Plus. Join Wondery Plus in the Wondery app, or Wondery Plus kits on Apple Podcasts. So May, I'm so nervous. Literally just wiping the sweat off of your jeans. You know this story, Jamila.

I do. I love this story. I convinced May to tell this story today. So we have to be very kind and respectful of their privacy as to who this is. I did what I did the podcast before and I was like, I want to tell that story, but I truly cannot. But then I blackmailed you by telling you that it was for SAG and WGA, and to tell you about.

And so now here you are kindly telling me the tale of human burrito. Yeah. OK. OK, and I'm OK. So there was this person that I knew. I'm taking out all the context and details. This person that I knew will call her Carl.

And we'd had like a flirtation and then one night she text me and she goes, hey, I'm in London and I have nowhere to stay. The trains aren't running. And can I come crash at your house? And I knew this. We didn't know each other that well. And I'm sure she had tons of friends in London. So I was like, okay, I know what this is.

So she comes over and, okay, do I need, wow, I'm thinking, okay, I should have practiced the story. I'll'm thinking it, okay. I should have practiced the story. I'll just tell it. Okay. So, first of two things, first of all, we will protect you in the edit, second of all, say fucking space, suck it, okay. Okay, okay.

So, it's strange right away. Like, it's right away strange. This is what you need to know. She's not drunk. I am drunk. I assumed that she would be coming over drunk. It was late. And so I'd had a few drinks quickly.

I get, I don't know, like, 25 or something. And then, so she comes over. And the first strange thing that happens is she says, can we lie in your bed and pretend we're in a movie? So I'm like, what does that entail? I don't know. I'm like, what does that entail? I'm like, what? What kind of movie?

Exactly, yeah. But it's like this sort of romance. And so we lie in my bed and we start making out and right away, like, again, I'm like, this is going to be strange. I just know right away, she's making these crazy noises and I haven't done anything to warrant the noises. Like what's happening with her is unconnected to anything I'm doing at all. So I know you know what I mean and I'm like oh it's like it's maybe like a bit of a performance. It's a manic pixie dream go performance. Sort of. Yeah. And I have roommates and I'm like and then, what kind of noises? Like sex noises?

Like, yes, times 20. Like, it's that, but it's like, errrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr And so we start having sex. And these details are, I'm a sex-positive person, but I think sometimes people take liberties. Because I think they see me as, you know, okay, so we start having sex. And I was wearing a, see, your stories didn't have this level of graphic detail,

but mine does, but that's okay. Yeah, okay. Um... So, you know what I mean? It's not that it's like... So, this is important to wear the story ultimately ends up too. It's not like gratuitous me saying this. So, immediately, she... So, yeah, I'm wearing a strap on.

Immediately, she starts faking an orgasm. And I have the same anatomy as her. I know this is, you know? But I'm like, let it play out. Like this, you know? But genuinely, like no judgment, that's, you know. And how long would we say it takes? Three minutes?

It's just crazy. Like, yes. So I'm like, okay. As the fake orgasm happens with like the noises and everything, she pisses all over me. Like gallons of... Like it just is like coming out. And so I start laughing really hard. And I'm also a nice... And so I'm like maybe this bi-ac, so I'm like, don't worry about it.

Wait, is she on top? I'm on top. You're on top. She's pissed. Yeah, I'm on top. She just starts pissing. Like the trevvy fountain. Like, how is she?

It's sort of going all over me. Oh yeah, right. Okay, gotcha, gotcha. And she says it's not piss. And I'm like, okay, maybe it is, maybe it isn't. But I'm pretty gonna check up. And she says it's not piss. Right. And I'm like, okay, maybe it is, maybe it isn't. But I'm pretty, you know, it's smell like piss. You know, the signs were there, like it is. But again, I'm a sex positive person,

but I'm in my head, I'm like, change your sheets. So, and it was just like the weirdness of the whole situation connected to the fake, getting up the orgasm, which I, and so, then anyway, at a certain point I thought, I got, I need to just go to bed and kind of end this experience. So, we, I go to bed, and I think I took like a bunch of melatonin or something to like sleep hard. And then I, so I wake up up eight hours later, slept so well,

and I open my eyes, and I can see, I'm really groggy, and I can see that she's already fully dressed, and she's getting ready to go. And she's been awake, and she's like, how to shower, and she goes, hey, I shouldn't have done this, I have a girlfriend. Yeah, so I'm like, okay, that's another element of this. And she goes, I got to go.

But anyway, and so I'm like, OK, bye. And then she leaves. And then I immediately remember, oh my god, my sheets. I got to change my sheets. And so I go to sit up. And I find that I can't. And I'm like, what is happening? And I realize I've been tucked in tightly to the bed,

like in a hotel, around the whole bed is tucked in and folded. And I'm tucked in so tight, like all around the bed. So this is kind of claustrophobic. I peel back. Oh, god, oh, of claustrophobic. I peel back. Oh, God, oh, God, oh, God. There is a pile of poo in my bag. I know. So this is the best day of my life.

So it's not like Skidmark on my sheet. It's like, it is the size of a small plate. It's like, through a pile. It's like, three, it's not like a turd. It's like a pile of loose poo, which I've been tucked into bed with. Like, I know. And so my mind is, man, it was just squat. Yeah, okay, okay, okay, okay.

That's also squat. That's all for sure, yeah. So I start screaming and I run into my kitchen. All my roommates are my friends. They come running, I'm like, guys, you gotta see this. And I'm like, so they come into my room and we're all screaming. And so, but again, my first thought is like, oh my God,

she must be so embarrassed. She had an accident while I was asleep, like something. But then the more I think about it, the more I'm like, but she got up, she had a shower. She made no attempt to clean it up. She tucked me into it. And she knew that she did it. Like, the volume of poo was like, she would have known in the shower.

She would have, like, it's just so many quats on like, this is so fucked. So I throw out all my sheets and the garbage and everything. And then I, I'm like, I'll never hear from her again. I bet two hours later, I got a text text and the wording of it is so fascinating because she goes hey That was amazing. I want to do it again exactly the same way Those are the specific words. So I'm like I Didn't respond and actually that's such a lie.

I think I was like, it was great. Yeah. I didn't know what to do because I was like, I, still in my mind, I'm like, surely this was just an accident and this is anyway. I think she might be a genius though because I think what she did was try to give herself like a head start to, by the time you discover it, you can't get out. I'm like, run start to, by the time you discover it, you can't get out. I'm like, run off to her.

But she like, why wouldn't she just clear herself up and go? Yeah. She like, shower. She also, I mean, did you look anywhere on your neck for like a needle mark? Because you're like, I must have taken Melatonin. She drugged you and shit on you. And then answer, cake.

No, I know I took a bunch of stuff to sleep. I know I will need to just knock myself out, but it is the boldness of like, I could have woken up. I'm like, when did it happen? Was it during the sex? I don't think so. I think it was while I was asleep. And then, yes, so then, I'm telling the story

to everyone that I meet. Yeah, losing my mind about it. it was while I was asleep. And then, yes, so then, I'm telling the story to everyone that I meet. Yeah, and yeah, losing my mind about it. But again, I have, I mean, I still have this sort of guilt about telling it, because I'm like, you know, sex is so intimate, but then I'm like, this is fucked. And then, so, okay, years later, I love a years later epilogue, we've had a couple of those years later.

I'm with my friend in a pub, and my friend goes, oh my god, my friend had sex with this girl the other day, and the craziest thing happened. I'm like, what? And she describes, she describes, I can't, like, the girl. I can't say the detail. Carl.

Yeah, Carl. Yeah. And, uh, hot, Carl. Yeah. Carl. Yeah. And, uh, hot, Carl. Yeah. And, um, basically her friend, this guy, was having sex with her, and she was on top, and she, during sex, got off and did a shit on his chest, non-consensual shit. So now I know it's a kink.

I'm like, okay, I can, I can now, like now like own the story because that was bizarre. That was insane. That's out. I'll never talk to her about it. I'm too, I know I'll never bring it up and I have bumped into her once or twice and it's like we both know that this happened and I, well, maybe we have her here tonight. Oh my god. Oh my God. Oh my God. Rather of applause for May being so generous and telling us that story. They really didn't want to.

In a way, like, she gave me the greatest gift, because I have dined out on that story, like, for years. Oh, no, she gave us all the greatest gift. Sarah said it was the greatest night of her life already. I can't, I just, like, you know, when you hear a story and you just can't wait to tell someone else, I'm just, like, sitting here waiting for this show to be over to tell someone else. Yeah, yeah.

Bad dates. We have two members of the audience who have kindly shared their story. That's what I felt everyone's art hold just go... So I'm looking for a Melanie and a Jillian. Hi, hi. Which of the two are you? Hello, Melanie. Hello. How are you?

I'm doing well. How about you? I'm good. Do you want to tell your story, or would you like me to tell your story? I can tell it. OK. Melanie is fucking ready. Let's go.

OK. Well, as soon as I send the email, I told her friend of mine, she's like you have to. And so since everybody else had a name for theirs, this is the cannibal. Oh, my God. So it really sets the tone. Yeah. for theirs. This is the cannibal. Oh my god. So, um... It sets the tone.

So, this is when, um, this was in 2019, the spring of 2019, and I was, at this point, I was teaching high school choir, and I'm no longer a teacher, but at that point, I was teaching high school choir, and I was going on a first date that I met from okayCupid, and I was in Colorado Springs, which, if you're not familiar with Colorado Springs, there are five military bases and focus on the family's base there. So for a single Jewish woman in her late 20s, it is not great. And so it's a rough dating scene, but I met this guy on OkayCupid. We were going to go to dinner. I started because I was coming from musical rehearsal, get to the restaurant.

I'm like, it smells great, I'm so hungry. He goes, yeah, me too, I train myself to eat one meal a day. And I go, why? He was like, I don't know, I don't really like food. I was like, well, this is going to go nowhere. But I was like, I'm here, I'm starving, might as well sit down and get a meal out of it. So we sit down, start looking at the menu, and I go,

oh, there's yak on the menu. I wonder what that's like because of this one, I'm just making conversation. And he goes, oh, I think I'm going to get that. It's my goal to try one of every animal. And then there's his paws. And then he follows it up with, humans going to be hard to get. And I think, no, I think my face does like the scooby-doo kind of like. Um, and he, and I go, what? And he goes, yeah, I wonder what human meat tastes like. And I just go, no.

Um, and he was like, you don't? I was like, no. And at this point, I'm like, okay, I'm so hungry. I'm just gonna order, like, how long can this be? 20 minutes, like, get my food, get out of here. This is the plot line to Dama. Basically, yeah. I feel like a lot of things have sold my thunder,

Army Hammer being one of them at this point. Um, but, I sit there, I'm like, OK, I'm so hungry. I might as well just order. It's going to take 20 minutes for the food to get here. And 45 minutes later, our food still hasn't arrived. And I'm sipping my water because dear God knows why. I didn't order anything stronger. And there's a low-enconversation, which, of course, there is.

And this was spring of 2019. So this question did make sense. He asked, do you watch Game of Thrones? And I said, no, I don't really do violence. And he goes, oh, you don't do violence. And this is after, he's already asked what? I'm like a judgey way. He's like that.

Yes, he said it in a judgey way. And you don't do violence. Exactly. And this is after he asked what wondered what human meat tasted like. So I'm sitting there, and they're like, huh. And so at that point, I looked at him and go, you know, I'm not really feeling a connection here.

And he goes, do you want to get our food? I was like, yeah, I'm out. So I got my food. I got to my car. I called my best friend. And she was like, I'm so proud of you because college Melanie would have sat there for the whole three hours.

And then wondered why it was her fault. And then I called my mother, who is the world's nicest human being. And I say, I tell her the whole story. I was like, this is why I don't do this. And I really think she was trying to be supportive. And she says, well, it's not the worst date you've ever been on. And the amazing thing is, I think she's right. Oh my god woman. Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that you had that date. Thank god you got out of there because you would have been dinner. Yes I think it would have been. That's very clear. Also I bet we smell, I mean

we smell like bacon because I burned my ear with my hair tongue. What I smelled like for three days and now I regret saying that out loud. So, we're leaving! There we go. Have you Googled that guy? No, I think she's in real? I think she's in real. Probably sure. Rowlesson just check up on him.

Yeah, I think so. Thank you for that wonderful day. I'm glorified. I'm glorified. Terrified, yes. All right, now I'm looking for a Jillian. Hi. Jillian.

Yes. How are you feeling? nervous. Oh no, don't be nervous. You're going to be great. Thanks. You're going to be great. Tell us about Carl.

Carl. I know. I was like, I can't name him. And now I have a name. He's Bartender Carl. So this is my older mate who was also there this night for the beginning of it. So is your name also Carl?

Yes, Carla. Oh, Carla. Yeah. So this was San Francisco about 11 years ago. Bad dating thing. Bad dating thing. Everyone was dating bartenders. And if you've dated a bartender, you know, a bartender

date means sitting at the bar waiting for them to get off. So listen, I had drinks. Barcton or Carl's working, Nyan's around 3am or whatever when they close up the bar and clean up. And she can voucher this, he seemed totally sober when we left the bar. Like normal normal human. And I don't drink very much. I wasn't like very drunk. Okay, we walked the two blocks to his house, get there, his ex-girlfriend who had a reputation for being a little protective, I guess you would say, calls him, he walks away, and I'm like, great, this is going super well. Comes back, he goes, I go, should I leave? And he goes, well, she has a key to the house, and I was like, should I leave?" And he goes, no, I think we're fine. I was like, okay, cool.

So he starts drinking out of a yellow party cup. I, naively assumed, he was drinking water at 3.30 in the morning after his bar shift. Good, I'm not drinking anything. He keeps drinking, we're like talking, hanging out, and things got a little weirder. He starts to walk me through his turquoise ring collection. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly.

San Francisco, yeah, I know. And he walks me through them. He tells me everywhere he has bought them, and I'm like, this is like a daring sort of whatever. Okay. We have sex. He says weird, weird shit to me. I can't remember it word for word.

I wish I could remember specifically having the thoughts of like, why is he saying this stuff to me right now? Could you paraphrase? There are definitely things about like, if he had my ass something, something, something about what he would do with, it was really, as if you, like if you had my ass, something, something, something, about what he would do with it was really... As if you have my ass. If you have my ass.

On, yes, exactly. Like, really weird shit. Also, drinking from the yellow party cup while we were having sex. Like, taking breaks and drinking. I've been known to have a little chocolate almond in the middle. Yes, something else. Okay, sex in whatever.

We go to sleep. I wake up maybe an hour later to bartender Carl, pulling out his drawer, pissing all over his clothes, and then immediately stomping and looking at me and goes, who did this? Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God.

And I went, yeah, I went, you did this, Carl, you did this. And he goes, no, who did this? And then lay down and passed out. I immediately got up, ran to the living room, hope his roommates had come out, got dressed, walked out the door with my bra and socks in hand because my purse was too small to carry them, instead at 630 in the morning on one of the busiest corners

in San Francisco waiting for a new bird. And then he called me later that day. And he's like, hey, I just wanted to know if you know what happened last night. And I just, I was kind to him. And I said, hey, look, you were fine when we left the bar. And then you got so, so drunk. And I'd never seen you so drunk before in my life. And he goes, okay, thanks.

And that was that. And we never went out on a date again. And now, years later, we both are raising children. They're two weeks apart from each other. I know that from Instagram. Oh my gosh. Oh my gosh. But yeah, who did this has become a very like a nice call between me and my friends?

You need to make merch of who did this. Who did this? Yeah, so good. And that feels like a really uplifting way to end this lovely popcorn. Yeah. You guys have been the most amazing audience. Thank you so much for coming here tonight for supporting the strike. There are QR codes fucking everywhere. So if you want to take a picture and send them to rich friends, as well to get them to donate

which I want to raise as much as we can. But thank you so much to you for coming out tonight. And thank you so much, such an extraordinary panel of kind and generous and hilarious people. Jillian Bell, Sarah Silverman and May Martin. APPLAUSE Jemila Jibal. APPLAUSE Thank you, everyone. We're going to go now.

But, and thank you, by the way, to our amazing audience members. You were amazing and hilarious. Bad dates is produced by Smartness Media and Wondery, created by Robert Cohen. Executive producers are Robert Cohen and Jeanine de Jamille. That's me, produced by Stuart Bailey, produced, engineered and edited by Devon Torrey Bryant. Also engineered and edited by Karl McGraw. Talent producer is Anne Harris. Associate producer is Maddie McCann. Music by Kushy and Evan Schletter.

Executive producers are Will Arnett, Jason Vaatman and Sean Hayes. Executive producers for Smartness Media are Richard Coulson and Bernie Kaminsky. If you've had a bad date and you'd like to tell us all about it, our number is 984-265-3283 and our email is baddatespod at gmail.com. We can't wait to hear all about it. That's all for this week, we will see you next time for more... Hello, Prime Members! You can listen to bad dates early and add free on Amazon Music. Download the Amazon Music app today, or you can listen early and add free with Wondery

Plus in Apple Podcasts. Before you go, early and add free with Wondery Plus in Apple podcasts. Before you go, tell us about yourself by completing a short survey at Wondery.com slash survey.